1 00:00:01,480 --> 00:00:05,240 Speaker 1: Welcome everyone to this episode of Amy MTJ. And we 2 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,840 Speaker 1: are talking about something on this episode that I think 3 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,440 Speaker 1: a lot of you listeners will relate to, and it's 4 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: certainly something I have struggled with for most of my life, 5 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:19,919 Speaker 1: but I'm hopefully getting better, and that is about learning 6 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:25,400 Speaker 1: how to let go of control. We're always all of 7 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,040 Speaker 1: us in our minds trying to control every little part 8 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,240 Speaker 1: of our day that we actually have. 9 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:30,960 Speaker 2: No control over. 10 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 1: But somehow we feel safe if we think we're controlling things, 11 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:39,960 Speaker 1: But what we're actually doing is making ourselves crazy. So 12 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,400 Speaker 1: much of the day and so much of our energy 13 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:47,360 Speaker 1: is wasted on trying to make other people do things 14 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:51,159 Speaker 1: we want them to do, or for situations to be 15 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:52,320 Speaker 1: different than what they are. 16 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 2: And I have worked and. 17 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,880 Speaker 1: Will continue to work on trying to just accept what 18 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,000 Speaker 1: is right and the only thing we can control is 19 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:06,280 Speaker 1: how we respond, and that is intellectually very simple to understand, 20 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: but putting that into practice is a whole other set 21 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:15,479 Speaker 1: of problems. DJ, how are you on not wasting your 22 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:19,600 Speaker 1: energy trying to control things that you can't control. 23 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 3: Oh no, I'm I'm in I'm in full control of 24 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,200 Speaker 3: everything going around on around me. 25 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 2: Full control like on the subway today. 26 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 3: Total control. Yeah, I was in control of this podcast 27 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,319 Speaker 3: even and said you needed to start it. Total control. 28 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,000 Speaker 3: I'm in control of everything that's around you. 29 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,120 Speaker 2: That's amazing like that. 30 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,120 Speaker 3: Yeah, total control? 31 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,759 Speaker 2: Yeah, total what's what's your delusional life? 32 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:38,960 Speaker 1: Like? 33 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 3: Delusional? Oh no, no, no, no no no no no no no, 34 00:01:41,959 --> 00:01:45,440 Speaker 3: it's here's the thing. I actually you know this. I 35 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 3: have a tattoo on my right arm that it's one 36 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,320 Speaker 3: of my favorite and the simplest. That might be the 37 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 3: quickest that I've of all my tattoos that I ever 38 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 3: had done, and it simply says surrender. And I struggle 39 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,840 Speaker 3: in moments sometimes and you just the way you end 40 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,920 Speaker 3: up feeling when you're stressed, Oh God, a good day, 41 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,480 Speaker 3: da da day, And once you just say the hell 42 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 3: with it is gonna be what it's gonna be. Wow, 43 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:11,640 Speaker 3: it's amazing. Yes, how life and joy and the weight 44 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,919 Speaker 3: is lifted. And it is hard to put in practice, 45 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 3: but with a little training, and yes, I too have 46 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:19,120 Speaker 3: gotten better at that. 47 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 2: I have been obsessed with a podcaster. 48 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: Many of you may know who she is, and she's 49 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,160 Speaker 1: an author, but she's got a book coming out. But 50 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: I'm talking about Mel Robbins, and she has put this 51 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,120 Speaker 1: theory in my head and she's writing a book about it, 52 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 1: and it's called let Them. And so when I get 53 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: frustrated or I want things to be different, or I 54 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 1: want someone to do something differently, or to respond to 55 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,800 Speaker 1: me in a different way, or to say something that 56 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 1: they haven't said, I just say let them. And if 57 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 1: you just say those two words, all of a sudden 58 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:54,520 Speaker 1: you realize I'm acknowledging that I don't have control right now, 59 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: and acknowledging that. It's amazing how your whole body will 60 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,079 Speaker 1: just relax because you really lies, there's nothing you can 61 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:06,400 Speaker 1: do to change it, and the only person you're hurting 62 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 1: is yourself. Right you get all stressed out, I'll get 63 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:15,800 Speaker 1: a headache, I'll feel just my heart will start just 64 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,600 Speaker 1: beating quickly. You know, all those feelings of just stress. 65 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,320 Speaker 1: Stress is being out of control? 66 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,200 Speaker 3: How do you think I handle that? What you're describing there? 67 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 3: And again I said I can speak on me, but 68 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:30,440 Speaker 3: I'm saying for an observer. I guess this would be 69 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 3: an accurate I'm more honest for the listener at least. 70 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,000 Speaker 3: How do you think ideal in what you are describing? 71 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 3: How would you say, I am and trying to control 72 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:41,280 Speaker 3: things around me. 73 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: You get very in your head, you get very quiet, 74 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 1: you pace, you get antsy, you start cleaning, and you 75 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,040 Speaker 1: start saying to yourself, I believe this is my observation. 76 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 1: I can't control anything that's happening right now, and I'm 77 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 1: really frustrated by it. 78 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 2: So I'm gonna do what I can control, which is 79 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:00,800 Speaker 2: to clean. 80 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,160 Speaker 1: And I get that because I have that tendency as well. 81 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,680 Speaker 1: But you I've never actually seen it in a man, 82 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:10,720 Speaker 1: which I appreciate. 83 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 3: Laughter from the room. Why is that a thing? What 84 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 3: the way? Whoa what is that? I can't. 85 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,080 Speaker 1: Most men will like, I don't know, go do something else. 86 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:23,479 Speaker 1: I would think, like go jump in their car and 87 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:27,440 Speaker 1: drive off, or you know, I don't know, chop some wood, 88 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 1: you clean wood? 89 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:35,040 Speaker 3: Sorry, I left my axe in my other apartment. What 90 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,520 Speaker 3: are you talking about? 91 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,400 Speaker 2: I know, but I related to you on that. But 92 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:40,160 Speaker 2: I actually know. 93 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,120 Speaker 1: When I see you start going into like you've got 94 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,000 Speaker 1: the scrubber and the soft scrub and you are like 95 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 1: in the tub like scrubbing, I'm like. 96 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:52,279 Speaker 2: Oh he is, oh shit is just right now. He's 97 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,040 Speaker 2: working through it. 98 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,200 Speaker 4: He's working through it. 99 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,279 Speaker 3: That's how you He's got the index and the soft 100 00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,720 Speaker 3: scrub out. You better this guy. 101 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:00,640 Speaker 1: Oh no, the. 102 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:01,600 Speaker 2: Vacuum cleaner's coming out. 103 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,760 Speaker 1: Oh no, But I know when you feel out of control, 104 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 1: that's what you do. 105 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,600 Speaker 2: What about me? What do you see me doing? Spiral? 106 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:13,920 Speaker 3: You spiral when things aren't going. Oh my goodness, Grace's sweetheart. 107 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:18,240 Speaker 3: You say it, and this drives me, It doesn't dry me. 108 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,279 Speaker 3: It's fascinating to see. And I've done this to you 109 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:25,800 Speaker 3: a bunch of times. I have used your tutelage that 110 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:29,120 Speaker 3: you've given me to survive some of the worst moments 111 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,320 Speaker 3: of my life the past five years or so, I 112 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:36,599 Speaker 3: use them against you. I actually say, hey, sweetheart, you 113 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,960 Speaker 3: need to settle, you need to center. Nothing you can 114 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 3: do about it. It's fine, It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. 115 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,600 Speaker 3: We still got the whole deck. Don't ruin. I have 116 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,160 Speaker 3: given you so many of those things, throwing them right 117 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 3: back on your face, and I've seen you go you 118 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,839 Speaker 3: completely adjust. Just a little reminder, it's so hard to 119 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,160 Speaker 3: do it ourselves, to implement those things that we know 120 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:57,159 Speaker 3: are the right thing to do. And certainly in the moment, 121 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,839 Speaker 3: you have taught me that, and I have been working 122 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,320 Speaker 3: tirelessly for years on that thing. 123 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 1: It's interesting you you have and it does work when 124 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:09,359 Speaker 1: I am reminded. I know what the right thing to 125 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,360 Speaker 1: do is or the right way to respond is. And 126 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 1: sometimes I just if you just say, ropes, this is 127 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,760 Speaker 1: nothing like. This is a drop in the bucket, you know, 128 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,719 Speaker 1: and just a little bit of perspective and I and 129 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,280 Speaker 1: I can switch it back off and go. You know what, 130 00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 1: you're right When you're cleaning and you're in that headspace, 131 00:06:26,279 --> 00:06:27,760 Speaker 1: I don't know what to say to you because I 132 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:28,839 Speaker 1: don't want to make it worse. 133 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,560 Speaker 3: You're supposed to say, come here, baby. 134 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 2: Well I do always try to. You know, it's stopping. 135 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,239 Speaker 1: Right when you're when you're in your in your cleaning frenzy. 136 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:44,880 Speaker 1: I don't think so no, but no, But what would 137 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:45,880 Speaker 1: you want to hear in that moment? 138 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,960 Speaker 2: Nothing? Do you want space? I feel like you want 139 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,000 Speaker 2: space in those moments. 140 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 3: I don't want space. You know what I absolutely don't want. 141 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:54,640 Speaker 3: And you know what's about to come out of my mouth. 142 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,280 Speaker 3: I don't want to have to educate someone on how 143 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,640 Speaker 3: to comfort me in a moment of frustration and pain. 144 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,600 Speaker 3: And that's very difficult to do. And I know that's 145 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:05,280 Speaker 3: on me, but. 146 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,479 Speaker 2: Everyone's different, so it's hard to know. 147 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 3: But you know me better than anybody. 148 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 2: I don't know the answer to that thought. 149 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 3: Well that's the sweetheart. We we have a much bigger 150 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:18,520 Speaker 3: examination of this relationship to do. Wow, I'm just kidding, 151 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,560 Speaker 3: baby Jesus. Everybody got It's true. 152 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: Though, because I said I help, you're like, I don't 153 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 1: want to have to tell you how to help me. 154 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 2: But I actually haven't figured that out yet. 155 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,200 Speaker 3: You haven't after all this time. 156 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 1: And I think what I've what I think you because 157 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 1: everyone's different, but I think you need a little space. 158 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:37,800 Speaker 2: I think you need a little. 159 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 1: Space and I trust, like I'm trusting you that you've 160 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,640 Speaker 1: got this. If there's anything that I could do to help, 161 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,240 Speaker 1: I would, but I think it would just feel maybe 162 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:49,440 Speaker 1: even patronizing to you. 163 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,200 Speaker 3: That's on me as well, because I am somebody who 164 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 3: sits in this this seat of well, if it's going 165 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 3: to get done, I have to do it. I don't 166 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,080 Speaker 3: depend on anybody. That's a problem. I know this is me, 167 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 3: but that is something I am not good at at all. 168 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,239 Speaker 3: Is expecting help. 169 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,640 Speaker 2: What about receiving help? 170 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:16,000 Speaker 3: Okay, fine, but I don't ever when I'm cleaning or whatever, 171 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 3: and you're wondering how to help me. I don't have 172 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 3: an expectation that I'm going to get help, that I'm 173 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,720 Speaker 3: going to get any lifeline to get out of what 174 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 3: I am, of the place I'm in. I don't. I 175 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,520 Speaker 3: just and you know that, and that's not a good 176 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,040 Speaker 3: way to be. I know that as well. But I 177 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,160 Speaker 3: am that I do struggle, and that's why sometimes something 178 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,840 Speaker 3: goes on. It takes TJ. He needs forty eight hours 179 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,800 Speaker 3: to be okay, have gotten better at that. We got 180 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,240 Speaker 3: it down to maybe forty two hours. 181 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:41,400 Speaker 2: I thought it was like twenty four hours. 182 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:45,080 Speaker 3: Okay, we'll get better, even better. But yeah, I don't 183 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,080 Speaker 3: know how to get out of that. So back to 184 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,840 Speaker 3: we were talking, you're the wasting of the energy to 185 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:56,719 Speaker 3: try to control things. I would say you waste more 186 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,000 Speaker 3: energy than I do trying to control things. 187 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,000 Speaker 1: I might I would say that I waste more energy, 188 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,360 Speaker 1: maybe more explosive energy in the moment. 189 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:06,520 Speaker 2: You might waste more. 190 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,280 Speaker 3: Time explosive energy. 191 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,680 Speaker 1: Like I feel like it's more like all at once 192 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 1: and then I'm over it. Like where I'm frustrated, you 193 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:17,280 Speaker 1: will like seethe. 194 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:18,560 Speaker 2: For like a while. 195 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,280 Speaker 3: I don't seethe, sweetheart, come on now. Seething is a 196 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,760 Speaker 3: strong quiet. 197 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:26,960 Speaker 1: Seething, a quiet seaton when you go when you withdraw, Okay, 198 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,360 Speaker 1: that is so, I won't call it seizing. 199 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:29,800 Speaker 3: I do that. 200 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,079 Speaker 1: But when you're out of control, or you feel like 201 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 1: you can't control things that are happening that you're frustrated by, 202 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: you withdraw, Okay, but you. 203 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:39,440 Speaker 3: Go full teddy swams and set the bed on fire 204 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 3: and is short lived. No, yeah, but the bed is 205 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:46,040 Speaker 3: on fire? Is the thing like, ah, yeah, it's a 206 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,319 Speaker 3: it's a it's a four long fire. But I'm a 207 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,560 Speaker 3: dump some water in here. And if that's not how 208 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:55,520 Speaker 3: I roll yours is? It is explosive? Yes, you do, 209 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:59,199 Speaker 3: and I'm impressed you get over it. I really really quickly. 210 00:09:58,920 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 2: Because I get it out. 211 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:04,360 Speaker 3: Yeah, in explosive ways, Andy, is what she's saying here. 212 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:06,880 Speaker 3: But can you please Andy, help us with this. You 213 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,559 Speaker 3: have several I think you have ten on this list 214 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,880 Speaker 3: of ways people? Can you explained what the list is? Again, 215 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 3: we've been talking here so long I forgot what it was. 216 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 4: This list comes from Bold. It's a list of what 217 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:22,000 Speaker 4: you're wasting your energy on and uh, not being able 218 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:22,880 Speaker 4: to control these things. 219 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,239 Speaker 3: We just weighs a lot of energy even talking about. 220 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,679 Speaker 1: Well, I'm hoping that people listening can relate either to 221 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,079 Speaker 1: me or to you. But because I do think we 222 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,199 Speaker 1: all have failures when it comes to this. 223 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,600 Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I'm terrible with all these things. There's ten 224 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 4: of them, and I'm bad at all ten. So number 225 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,040 Speaker 4: one is holding onto your past mistakes. 226 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:45,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's actually been a really tough thing for me, 227 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 1: and I've been really working hard on forgiving myself and 228 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,000 Speaker 1: letting it go and just learning from them. 229 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:57,920 Speaker 3: Uh, that's a tough one for me. I don't think, 230 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,560 Speaker 3: and again I ask for your help on this. I 231 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:04,320 Speaker 3: don't think I hold on to past mistakes a lot. 232 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,920 Speaker 3: I have to get passed and move Really, it's a 233 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,640 Speaker 3: again the training, I to call it training, but you 234 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,200 Speaker 3: know what I mean. I'm just kind of been working 235 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,400 Speaker 3: on getting better at a bunch of things. But the 236 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:19,760 Speaker 3: idea that I'm holding myself like, I'm always feeling as 237 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 3: if I'm a you know, too often I've listened to 238 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:26,080 Speaker 3: others about who I am. I listen to other people 239 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,360 Speaker 3: define me, and I'm thinking, well, maybe I am that, 240 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 3: Maybe I am, and nobody knows me better than me. 241 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,760 Speaker 3: So why am I listening to anybody else or that 242 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:37,720 Speaker 3: idea of holding on to something in my past. I 243 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,439 Speaker 3: screwed up. I screwed up a bunch and I know that, 244 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 3: but I try. I don't think I do a terrible 245 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,240 Speaker 3: job and hold on to a lot of that stuff. 246 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,040 Speaker 2: I don't think as a mother, I do. 247 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,800 Speaker 1: I get a lot of guilt in my head about 248 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 1: how I could have done better, and I'm working on 249 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,560 Speaker 1: not feeling guilty about past mistakes. 250 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 3: Okay, you have two wonderful kids. One of them is 251 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,720 Speaker 3: about to graduate from NYU. The other one was studying 252 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:07,360 Speaker 3: abroad in Spain before she goes to Boulder with great grades. 253 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,560 Speaker 3: So I don't, Yeah, you need to work on your mother. 254 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,520 Speaker 3: What's the number two? 255 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,120 Speaker 4: Number two is saying yes to everyone but yourself. 256 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,720 Speaker 1: I've gotten way better at this, but I have been 257 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 1: terrible at that for a long time. 258 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 3: I've been good at this forever. I mean, I just 259 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,520 Speaker 3: there is no that's you know, that's one of my things. 260 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 2: I just no, You've always been good at saying no. 261 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, I just I have no problem. I don't owe 262 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,000 Speaker 3: anybody anything. I am forty seven years old. 263 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,280 Speaker 2: Now have you always been like that? 264 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 3: I think I might have what's the thing in Your 265 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,400 Speaker 3: success in life is based on what In your twenties, 266 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,760 Speaker 3: your success is based on things you say yes yes too. 267 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,840 Speaker 3: And then in your thirties and forties, your success is 268 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,520 Speaker 3: based on things you say no to. And I have 269 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:57,520 Speaker 3: been very comfortable in that space for a long time, 270 00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:59,800 Speaker 3: not even stressed. Don't have an expectator like I don't 271 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 3: oh you anything. You have to say no. If we didn't, 272 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 3: so heart, we would be even more exhausted than we are. 273 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true, all right. 274 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,960 Speaker 4: Number three is dwelling on the what ifs. 275 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,959 Speaker 1: So yes, this has been a lot of work on 276 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:21,040 Speaker 1: my and I always look back and say, don't say 277 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:24,280 Speaker 1: what if, and don't say if only, and don't say 278 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:28,240 Speaker 1: should have, could have, would have. Those are all very 279 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,400 Speaker 1: damaging things to say to yourself because you can't undo 280 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: what happened. You can't change what happened. And maybe all 281 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,800 Speaker 1: of those things happened because you needed. 282 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 2: To learn something. 283 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,679 Speaker 1: So that's where I always go in my head. If 284 00:13:40,679 --> 00:13:43,480 Speaker 1: I start saying what if, if only, I say, wait 285 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: a minute, what did I learn? And that is my 286 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,520 Speaker 1: way out of that crazy headspace. 287 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:51,800 Speaker 3: My only two things I've said, what if about I'm 288 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,560 Speaker 3: not a regret guy, but two regrets or two what 289 00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:59,000 Speaker 3: ifs that I struggle with one? What if I continued 290 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,320 Speaker 3: playing football? That sounds crazy, but in junior high I 291 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,079 Speaker 3: was a better football player than a basketball player. But 292 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,880 Speaker 3: I was able to go on in basketball and get 293 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:11,000 Speaker 3: some scholarship offers and even dabbled in basketball at the 294 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,320 Speaker 3: University of Arkansas. I was a pretty good basketball player. 295 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,760 Speaker 3: I always wondered, what if I stuck with football? What 296 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 3: if I but I broke my ankle and you know me, 297 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,360 Speaker 3: I'm out. That's the wrap. Ninth grade broke my ankle, 298 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:26,240 Speaker 3: true story, broke my ankle done, I'm over, no more football. 299 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 3: The other thing, you know, sweetheart? The what if? There 300 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:34,760 Speaker 3: is one? What if? That? Still maybe once a week 301 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:40,160 Speaker 3: comes to mind. Wow, what if I had announced to 302 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:43,640 Speaker 3: the public in August of twenty twenty two that I 303 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 3: was getting a divorce. What if I went ahead and 304 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 3: told everybody in August of twenty twenty two that I 305 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 3: was no longer in a relationship, in a marriage, just 306 00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:00,360 Speaker 3: put that out there, and then in August of twenty two, 307 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:01,360 Speaker 3: I didn't know I was gonna end up in a 308 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,120 Speaker 3: relationship with you, so then months later I did, and 309 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:07,200 Speaker 3: people would have found out. It wouldn't have been startling. 310 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,320 Speaker 3: It would have been something that the tabloids could try 311 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:12,080 Speaker 3: to exploit and take advantage of. It wasn't have been 312 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,760 Speaker 3: an issue where the people who then you know, did 313 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 3: intentionally put that out to make it sound bad. They 314 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,000 Speaker 3: wouldn't have had that option. So I that is my 315 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,040 Speaker 3: one if that. I still struggle with, what if? Where? 316 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,600 Speaker 3: How life would have been different if I'd have put 317 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,040 Speaker 3: it out that I was divorced and this never wouldn't 318 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 3: have been something that a tabloid and the people who 319 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:36,120 Speaker 3: told the tabloid were able to exploit. That is when 320 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:36,960 Speaker 3: I still struggle with. 321 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,720 Speaker 1: I get that, and I think the lesson learned from 322 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,000 Speaker 1: that that I have learned and you have learned the 323 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:50,120 Speaker 1: hard way is transparency is key to communication and to understanding. 324 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,520 Speaker 1: And you can get into a mindset of thinking that 325 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:58,600 Speaker 1: you don't owe anybody anything, but that's where confusion takes place. 326 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 2: And if you don't speak, some one's going to speak 327 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 2: for you. 328 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,600 Speaker 1: And so those are lessons that I think we both 329 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,320 Speaker 1: learned during that time. So what if is good in 330 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 1: a reflective way if you can learn how to act 331 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:12,680 Speaker 1: differently in the future. 332 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:16,040 Speaker 3: So, folks, we are giving you ways to try to 333 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:20,640 Speaker 3: stop wasting your energy to control certain things in your life. 334 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,680 Speaker 3: We will continue with that list in just a moment, 335 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,280 Speaker 3: but before we go, give us a little tease here, Andy, 336 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,400 Speaker 3: what's coming up on this list. We've only gone through three. 337 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,160 Speaker 3: We have several more to go, So going into the break, here, 338 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,080 Speaker 3: give us a little tease of what we can expect. 339 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,320 Speaker 4: Oh, next break, you're going to hear about the fear 340 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 4: of failing, maybe overthinking a couple of decisions, and the 341 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:39,440 Speaker 4: fear of judgment. 342 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,320 Speaker 3: All right, there you have it, folks, will be right back. 343 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone. 344 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:55,720 Speaker 1: We are talking about something that I believe all of 345 00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 1: us can relate to, trying to control things that we 346 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 1: cannot actually control, and wasting so much energy, so much emotion, 347 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:11,160 Speaker 1: so much time on things that we actually can't change. 348 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,120 Speaker 1: So we are working our way down a list which 349 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,320 Speaker 1: is fantastic in terms of finding ways to do better 350 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:17,920 Speaker 1: and to be better. 351 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,360 Speaker 2: Andy, where are we were at number four? 352 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:20,080 Speaker 3: Number four? 353 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:23,479 Speaker 4: And one thing to stop wasting your energy on is 354 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:24,400 Speaker 4: the fear of failing. 355 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:29,359 Speaker 1: Oh, I so so agree with this. I actually haven't 356 00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:32,640 Speaker 1: had this problem. I have failed many many times. And 357 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:37,399 Speaker 1: I whether it's running a marathon or climbing a mountain 358 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:42,400 Speaker 1: and not getting to the top, or going out and saying, hey, 359 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,199 Speaker 1: I want to be this in life and just setting 360 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,720 Speaker 1: expectations for myself that might be far and above what's possible, 361 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,439 Speaker 1: but knowing that if I don't set them there, I 362 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,040 Speaker 1: won't get anywhere near. So I have failed so many 363 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,760 Speaker 1: times in my life, starting falling off of off the 364 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,520 Speaker 1: beam when I was a gymnast and getting back on 365 00:17:58,560 --> 00:17:59,479 Speaker 1: it and doing it anyway. 366 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's when you learn, that's when you grow. Failure 367 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:07,040 Speaker 2: is a huge part of success for me. 368 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:11,240 Speaker 3: I actually kind of remember whose quote this was, but 369 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,320 Speaker 3: this is one I have. I picked this up very 370 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:18,760 Speaker 3: early in life. But the idea is most people fail 371 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,680 Speaker 3: because they didn't realize how close they were to success 372 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:25,399 Speaker 3: when they decided to quit. And so that's it doesn't 373 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,360 Speaker 3: matter if it's not going well. If it's not going 374 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 3: tomorrow might be the day. Right, six people turned us 375 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,399 Speaker 3: down for this. Tomorrow is going to be the seventh. 376 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,399 Speaker 3: We have a meeting, and that's going to be the one. 377 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 3: So that this is one you have to You cannot 378 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,800 Speaker 3: be afraid to fail. If you do, what's the point. 379 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:45,560 Speaker 3: What's the point of just being a valedictorian and following rules? 380 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 3: And I use that example. There are studies out there 381 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,480 Speaker 3: that show valedictorians do fine in life, but they don't 382 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,760 Speaker 3: break any rules, they don't do anything different. They can 383 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,200 Speaker 3: handle a task. But the wildly successful people are the 384 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,520 Speaker 3: ones willing to take a risk, willing to fail, willing 385 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,320 Speaker 3: to take all these chances. And so that's not one 386 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,000 Speaker 3: I necessarily think I struggle with. 387 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, same, I struggled with a lot of other. 388 00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:09,720 Speaker 1: Things though, as you've made clear, and I failed a 389 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,959 Speaker 1: lot and I'm still here all right. 390 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,800 Speaker 4: Number five is clinging to your comfort zones. 391 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:21,520 Speaker 3: Hm hm, oh you know what this I am thinking 392 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,480 Speaker 3: career here, right, we were in jobs that we would 393 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,080 Speaker 3: never have left in all likelihood because it was what 394 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,840 Speaker 3: very comfortable, comfortable, It was safe, dare I say even 395 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,440 Speaker 3: it was it was easy to a certain degree relatively speaking. 396 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,280 Speaker 3: We knew how to do that thing and we were 397 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,359 Speaker 3: very comfortable where we were. So that's a that's a 398 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,000 Speaker 3: tough one. You cling to a comfort zone. I think 399 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,720 Speaker 3: in relationships oftentimes. 400 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,360 Speaker 2: I was going to say the same thing and cling too. 401 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,359 Speaker 3: Well, this is okay, and this is going to be 402 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,400 Speaker 3: messy if I go anything else, and the kids are 403 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,200 Speaker 3: going to be I think we have a tendency to 404 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:53,439 Speaker 3: do that. 405 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,280 Speaker 1: So it's funny because I used to say this and 406 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:02,159 Speaker 1: then I guess I've lived it. I never want to 407 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:09,440 Speaker 1: be wait, I never I never want to get comfortable. 408 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:14,359 Speaker 1: I always want to relish being uncomfortable because that means 409 00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:18,399 Speaker 1: I'm pushing myself into something that either I think I 410 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 1: can't do or I shouldn't do. But it's pushing me 411 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 1: into growth. And so I never wanted to get comfortable. 412 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,240 Speaker 1: I always said that, and it I actually get scared. 413 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,040 Speaker 2: When I get comfortable. I actually get nervous when. 414 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 1: I get comfortable. Relationship, No, I'm not comfortable yet. 415 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,320 Speaker 3: Good. I want to keep you on your tails growing. 416 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:39,960 Speaker 1: I'm not comfortable, and I think that it's that offers 417 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,399 Speaker 1: you a daily challenge to do better, to be better, 418 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 1: and to see where I can take you. 419 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:47,400 Speaker 2: But yeah, you disagree. 420 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,360 Speaker 3: We'll discuss it later, Okay, Well. 421 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I actually I actually. 422 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:57,280 Speaker 1: Think that that I maybe even enjoy being uncomfortable, and 423 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:58,880 Speaker 1: it might explain a lot of my life to people 424 00:20:58,920 --> 00:20:59,879 Speaker 1: who are confused by it. 425 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 3: But that's a good way to be and a lot 426 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,920 Speaker 3: of people, and I think it's okay. Some aren't. I'm 427 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,720 Speaker 3: not built that way, I say. I. I mean some 428 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,320 Speaker 3: people can say that about themselves. They're not built in 429 00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:11,040 Speaker 3: such a way that they can be uncomfortable to take 430 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,080 Speaker 3: a chance. And people have reasons to say no, I 431 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:16,400 Speaker 3: need to keep this very steady job with this these benefits. 432 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,800 Speaker 3: And I think that's okay. These people are different in 433 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,359 Speaker 3: that way. There are that's that's those a chance and 434 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,399 Speaker 3: that's a risk, and this I understand people being risk averrs. 435 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:26,480 Speaker 2: Oh I do too. 436 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:30,720 Speaker 1: I just yes, and I think that in some ways 437 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,959 Speaker 1: being willing to yes, run a marathon, train for a marathon, 438 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,200 Speaker 1: have all these uncomfortable things happened. 439 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,200 Speaker 2: To you, and doing it anyway and maybe even. 440 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 1: Having a hard time explaining to other people why you 441 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:41,400 Speaker 1: still do it. 442 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,480 Speaker 2: But I was born that way. I definitely was. 443 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:46,920 Speaker 4: Do you think there's a point that you could push 444 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:47,680 Speaker 4: yourself too far? 445 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:53,679 Speaker 3: Though I haven't found it yet, but that answer has 446 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,040 Speaker 3: to be yes. Yeah. I think we've gotten close to it, 447 00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,240 Speaker 3: and we discussed it a lot because I've I think 448 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:01,960 Speaker 3: what we said in a previous podcast. I said to 449 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,119 Speaker 3: you in the bedroom not longer. I remember where I 450 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,280 Speaker 3: was as a sweetheart. I am going to drop dead 451 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,320 Speaker 3: because it's too much going on. I'm not sleeping enough. 452 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:15,640 Speaker 3: I've just worn the hell out. So I think, yeah, 453 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:19,000 Speaker 3: you can push yourself too much, you can go too far. 454 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,919 Speaker 3: You can I am finally for the first time in 455 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,720 Speaker 3: my life. We talked about this with the marathon. For 456 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,080 Speaker 3: the first time in my life. My body is not 457 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,800 Speaker 3: letting me physically do something with his achilles and now 458 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,679 Speaker 3: a footprint. I got all kinds of issues. What's that 459 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:35,000 Speaker 3: from trying to run? Trying to run two marathons on 460 00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:39,919 Speaker 3: a bum achilles. I planned that I could have skipped 461 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,240 Speaker 3: one of them. At least that's too much. We get 462 00:22:42,359 --> 00:22:44,320 Speaker 3: up at a two three in the morning and going 463 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,320 Speaker 3: all day hard. That's too much. 464 00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:49,040 Speaker 2: I think. When it's too much, your body tells you. 465 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,600 Speaker 1: And I've certainly had enough things happen physically to me 466 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:56,840 Speaker 1: where I have had to acknowledge that I was pushing 467 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,680 Speaker 1: myself too hard. But for me, it does take something 468 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:04,920 Speaker 1: busy typically to make me stop or or rethink how 469 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:09,880 Speaker 1: I'm approaching things, from crippling migrain headaches to having had 470 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:13,560 Speaker 1: to have heart surgery to having breast answer. I mean, 471 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:17,120 Speaker 1: I have definitely had some physical wake up calls where 472 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,600 Speaker 1: I know I've pushed myself too far and I have 473 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,119 Speaker 1: to reassess and take. 474 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:21,480 Speaker 2: Care of myself. 475 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,600 Speaker 1: But it hasn't stopped me being willing to be uncomfortable. 476 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:28,680 Speaker 1: It's just it's it's put the brakes on certain ways 477 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,680 Speaker 1: of living, and a lot. 478 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,800 Speaker 2: Of it has been about balance. So balance is important, 479 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,240 Speaker 2: and I think for me, I've had to learn it 480 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:37,720 Speaker 2: the hard way. 481 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:38,679 Speaker 3: What are we up to know? 482 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,919 Speaker 4: We're on number six and number six is comparing yourself 483 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:42,479 Speaker 4: to others. 484 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,119 Speaker 3: Ooh, that is what anybody on Instagram you need to 485 00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:46,800 Speaker 3: listen to that one. 486 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:48,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, I've gotten way better at that. 487 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, gracious, that's a tough one. 488 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,560 Speaker 2: Younger. When I was younger, it was. 489 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,960 Speaker 1: It was crippling, absolutely and thank god I didn't have 490 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,480 Speaker 1: social media, but the young when I was younger, oh, 491 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,800 Speaker 1: that was probably one of the most difficult things to 492 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,200 Speaker 1: not do. It's just I think it's a natural thing 493 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,640 Speaker 1: to do. And I don't know if women are more 494 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 1: likely to do it than men. I can't speak for men, 495 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,359 Speaker 1: but I know that that's something that I've talked about 496 00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:17,120 Speaker 1: with my daughters, and I've been really proud of them 497 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:20,440 Speaker 1: for being unique individuals. I think that's something to be celebrated, 498 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,160 Speaker 1: and I think people talk about it more now. 499 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,280 Speaker 2: But yeah, social media, that's. 500 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:28,879 Speaker 1: A really really tough place to be if you have 501 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:32,440 Speaker 1: a problem, or you know that's one of your issues, 502 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,439 Speaker 1: that you're just constantly comparing yourself to other people. 503 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:39,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's it. I don't. That's not something I do 504 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,439 Speaker 3: a lot of. But the one way I do do 505 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,399 Speaker 3: it is oftentimes, throughout my career, I'm twenty five and 506 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,240 Speaker 3: I look at another twenty five year old, I'm like, oh, 507 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,119 Speaker 3: they're there. Wow? Am I not there yet? I'm thirty 508 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,280 Speaker 3: and they're thirty. I'm like, oh, wow, they have that 509 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:54,119 Speaker 3: much success. Why haven't I? And at every stage of 510 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,800 Speaker 3: my life, I usually compare myself to Kobe Bryant because 511 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:57,360 Speaker 3: Coby and I. 512 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,280 Speaker 2: A so you were just in a constant state of depression. 513 00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:02,760 Speaker 3: No, no, no, uh. You know what I'm saying is that 514 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,760 Speaker 3: that kid. I watched him and you probably don't remember 515 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:10,440 Speaker 3: this because but his first couple of game like playoff games, 516 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 3: he was seventeen eighteen years old. He and I were 517 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,280 Speaker 3: about the same age, and he shot air balls. It 518 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,280 Speaker 3: was embarrassing right in this game, but he kept shooting, 519 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,919 Speaker 3: He kept shooting. And I'm looking at this guy, this 520 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,320 Speaker 3: kid on this stage about the same age. You know, 521 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 3: who else is I compare myself to Usher? Now I 522 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,720 Speaker 3: know this sounds crazy, wow, but because these guys are 523 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,760 Speaker 3: about the same age and this is the time, I'm 524 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,240 Speaker 3: still in high school, I'm nothing, I'm not even starting 525 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,840 Speaker 3: my career. But I'm looking at these guys as contemporaries 526 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,520 Speaker 3: in some way to where wow, they have that level 527 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:39,840 Speaker 3: of success at that age. They are doing this on 528 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,919 Speaker 3: the world stage and being cheered at that age, What 529 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:45,399 Speaker 3: am I doing? What can I be doing? Where should 530 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,359 Speaker 3: I be going? And it was a motivating thing. I 531 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,919 Speaker 3: know that sounds insane, but those two guys who I 532 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,760 Speaker 3: later got to be around, got to spend time with, 533 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:58,320 Speaker 3: got to interview. Those were guys I looked at and 534 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,760 Speaker 3: always tried to compare time lines too, because we were 535 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:07,560 Speaker 3: all seventeen eighteen at the same time. That is where 536 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:12,400 Speaker 3: that question of comparison and other people's success has been 537 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,119 Speaker 3: a part. And it took until I was probably thirty 538 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,720 Speaker 3: or so to realize, oh wait, And I started to 539 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:19,480 Speaker 3: see people who were twenty two when I was comparing 540 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,280 Speaker 3: myself with it. Now I'm way ahead of at thirty, 541 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,200 Speaker 3: and even farther ahead of when I'm thirty five and 542 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,399 Speaker 3: blowing them out of the water at four. Right, So 543 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:30,639 Speaker 3: that took a while to actually come around to. So 544 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:32,720 Speaker 3: I get what you're saying. You're being funny, that like 545 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,159 Speaker 3: being priced, you're comparing yourself. 546 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 2: But no, it was motivating. 547 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:37,959 Speaker 3: It was I always looked at those guys because we 548 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:38,520 Speaker 3: were the same age. 549 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,160 Speaker 2: You weren't jealous, you were motivated. 550 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:43,359 Speaker 3: I was, and so I was comparing myself to them. 551 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,159 Speaker 3: So maybe that was Maybe those guys are responsible for 552 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,520 Speaker 3: me working and busting my butt as well as I 553 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:52,280 Speaker 3: did to get to a place of pretty good success. 554 00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:55,800 Speaker 4: Yeah, and do you think it's harder for younger people? 555 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 4: Having daughters yourself who were younger, do you think it's 556 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,720 Speaker 4: harder nowadays to not compare yourself to others? 557 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:01,879 Speaker 1: Oh? 558 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:02,640 Speaker 2: Yes, for sure. 559 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:06,240 Speaker 1: I didn't have visuals of other people, my friends or 560 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:09,560 Speaker 1: people who I'm a contemporary with. And of course everyone 561 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,360 Speaker 1: usually just puts out the best and the brightest pictures 562 00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 1: and images on Instagram, so you're having a false impression 563 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,040 Speaker 1: of what their life is like, and then you're comparing 564 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,640 Speaker 1: it to whatever you're going through. 565 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,199 Speaker 2: Oh, it's it's almost inescapable. 566 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:23,680 Speaker 1: And I think you have to acknowledge it and say, 567 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,879 Speaker 1: I am going to choose not to do this because 568 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,800 Speaker 1: it's it's a human experience. I think to do that 569 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:31,520 Speaker 1: and then to have it constantly at your fingertips on 570 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:35,760 Speaker 1: your phone is it could be absolutely detrimental. 571 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,760 Speaker 3: And obviously those people on Instagram, they took what twenty 572 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:43,040 Speaker 3: takes and how many filters it takes them two hours 573 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,880 Speaker 3: to put out one picture that you think is just natural. Yeah, 574 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,600 Speaker 3: it's just it's a farce. Yeah, it's an absolute farce. Okay. 575 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:53,600 Speaker 4: So number seven is overthinking every decision. 576 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,600 Speaker 1: I don't do that, and probably should. I should probably 577 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,760 Speaker 1: overthink it more or overthink it beforehand. But I am 578 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:06,200 Speaker 1: a I'm somebody who definitely makes quick decisions and then 579 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:10,000 Speaker 1: I I think I'm okay with accepting the consequences. 580 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:14,960 Speaker 3: You know me the opposite, I think, think, think, think, overthink, 581 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:17,000 Speaker 3: and then I am so once the decision is made, 582 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:17,400 Speaker 3: I'm good. 583 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,600 Speaker 4: Yeah, on the opposite, but I will overthink. 584 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:23,159 Speaker 3: After the decision is done, then I will I have 585 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,760 Speaker 3: no I feel so confident in the decision. Once the 586 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:28,560 Speaker 3: decision is made, I. 587 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:30,440 Speaker 4: Both hate and love this next one. 588 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:33,520 Speaker 3: Number hate And it sounded like he was judging our life. No, 589 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:34,520 Speaker 3: feel right? Right? 590 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:35,200 Speaker 1: Right? 591 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:35,800 Speaker 3: I feel right. 592 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 4: I'm more of an amy definitely not in the situation. 593 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:40,800 Speaker 4: I'm like, that's what that was way to put it. 594 00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:42,640 Speaker 1: He drives me crazy with how much time it takes 595 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,480 Speaker 1: him to make a decision sometimes, but he does I do. 596 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,000 Speaker 2: I will say I have seen the value in it. 597 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,600 Speaker 3: Well, babe, is it time or is it? 598 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:50,800 Speaker 1: Like? 599 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:52,840 Speaker 3: Wow, dude, are you really going that deep? Because I 600 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,560 Speaker 3: can make a decision in ten minutes, but I will 601 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,800 Speaker 3: take it down and deep and like, do why are 602 00:28:58,800 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 3: we even you? 603 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:00,600 Speaker 2: It's time for me? 604 00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,120 Speaker 4: I'm impatient ten minutes or too much? 605 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,840 Speaker 1: Oh No, I'm talking about like deciding where we're gonna go, 606 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:09,840 Speaker 1: like for vacations, and it can take weeks or an airbnb. 607 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:12,840 Speaker 2: Take weeks, it can take days. I can make a 608 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:13,640 Speaker 2: decision in minutes. 609 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:15,360 Speaker 3: Okay, wait a minute. You just say you went from 610 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,040 Speaker 3: weeks today. Do you see what I'm talking about. 611 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,120 Speaker 2: Well, it depends on the time what we're doing. No, 612 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:20,200 Speaker 2: I mean it has taken weeks. 613 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,320 Speaker 3: You can take it. You can make a decision in what. 614 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,760 Speaker 1: Minutes and I might regret it about where I'm going. 615 00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,760 Speaker 1: I could book a plane, I could book a hotel room. 616 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:33,200 Speaker 1: I could book a vacation in under ten minutes and 617 00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:34,080 Speaker 1: feel good about it. 618 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:38,800 Speaker 3: And then once we get here or there and the steps, 619 00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,120 Speaker 3: you're like, oh god, I didn't realize we're not sitting 620 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:44,360 Speaker 3: together on this flight. Oh my god, I cannot believe 621 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:48,440 Speaker 3: the hotel is in this neighborhood. Oh my god, we 622 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:52,080 Speaker 3: have to fly into where. That's what happens. That doesn't 623 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:58,840 Speaker 3: happen with my planning. Okay, your silence speaks volumes. 624 00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:00,920 Speaker 2: I'm I stand. 625 00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 1: I've loved all of my vacations. 626 00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:16,960 Speaker 4: You number eight is waiting for someone else to change. 627 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:21,160 Speaker 3: Yeah, I suck at that still waiting. 628 00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:23,920 Speaker 2: Oh well, so. 629 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:29,320 Speaker 1: That is absolutely wasted energy, because yes, you do that. 630 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:32,680 Speaker 1: I have done it in the past, and it doesn't 631 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:36,960 Speaker 1: ever ever change anything. So it's only men through years 632 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,960 Speaker 1: of experience where I have I definitely feel good about 633 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,120 Speaker 1: where I am with a Now, you either accept people 634 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:43,760 Speaker 1: as they are or you don't. But if you are 635 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,480 Speaker 1: waiting for them to change, you are wasting your time. 636 00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 2: Out of doubt, I. 637 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,440 Speaker 3: Would say never that's not something I do waiting for 638 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 3: somebody to change or needing them or asking them to change. 639 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,720 Speaker 3: Even people are who they are. Certainly at the ages 640 00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:59,239 Speaker 3: we are that you're not gonna change a whole lot. 641 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:02,240 Speaker 1: But a lot of people stay in relationships hoping that 642 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:04,200 Speaker 1: the other person's going to come around, hoping the other 643 00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:06,800 Speaker 1: person is going to amend or change or whatever, and 644 00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:10,320 Speaker 1: that does happen. Or even a job. You know you're 645 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:12,920 Speaker 1: waiting for something to change or to get better. But 646 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:15,800 Speaker 1: the reality is you either accept it or you move on, 647 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:17,800 Speaker 1: and that those are really your only two choices. And 648 00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:19,640 Speaker 1: once you kind of get to that place in your head, 649 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,719 Speaker 1: it's freeing because now you're free to make the choice 650 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:24,880 Speaker 1: you want to make instead of waiting for someone else. 651 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:27,640 Speaker 3: All right, we're up to what not number nine nine? 652 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:28,000 Speaker 3: All right? 653 00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:29,640 Speaker 4: The fear of judgment. 654 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,120 Speaker 1: Absolutely, I can say that I struggle with that. So 655 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,440 Speaker 1: you you might not. 656 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:40,720 Speaker 2: Put it all out there. You hide you're crazy a 657 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:41,160 Speaker 2: little bit. 658 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:44,680 Speaker 1: You might not share everything you're thinking or feeling because 659 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:47,200 Speaker 1: you're afraid if you do say it, someone will think 660 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:47,920 Speaker 1: differently of you. 661 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:48,800 Speaker 2: One hundred percent. 662 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:51,840 Speaker 3: No, are you talking in general or in relationships about general? 663 00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,560 Speaker 1: In general in relationships, I think if you really want 664 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:58,840 Speaker 1: to have a true, honest, good relationship, you have to 665 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,320 Speaker 1: be honest. You have to people even if you know 666 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:03,760 Speaker 1: it might elicit judgment. 667 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:06,000 Speaker 2: Then that's good. Then you know that, then you know 668 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:06,720 Speaker 2: it's not gonna work. 669 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:09,520 Speaker 1: Then if I say I think this about that, and 670 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:13,040 Speaker 1: that's going to have such a big response. 671 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:15,040 Speaker 2: That you amend what you think, amend what you. 672 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,960 Speaker 1: Feel, that's a to me, that's a red flag that 673 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:18,920 Speaker 1: you're not with the right person. 674 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:22,120 Speaker 3: You know. I go back to divorce and that I was. 675 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:24,480 Speaker 3: I was so worried about judgment that I didn't even 676 00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:26,520 Speaker 3: tell my mom I was getting divorced. You know that. 677 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 3: I didn't even tell my mom about it. In August 678 00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:32,800 Speaker 3: of twenty two. I didn't even tell her. So the 679 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:36,880 Speaker 3: fear of judgment, it just you hate and we've dealt with. 680 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:39,680 Speaker 3: I don't know why I'm thinking of Jenna Kramer right 681 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:42,480 Speaker 3: now when she's a fourth marriage, is it? 682 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:42,760 Speaker 2: Yeah? 683 00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:43,640 Speaker 3: Four divorces. 684 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:45,600 Speaker 2: I don't remember, but there's a four. 685 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:46,400 Speaker 3: There's a fourth. 686 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,640 Speaker 2: I mean again, and I'm a zero judgment here. 687 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:51,960 Speaker 3: I say that to make a point that even though 688 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,920 Speaker 3: she's been very open and talking about her relationships and 689 00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:58,120 Speaker 3: her relationship history. Even when she was talking about it 690 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:00,280 Speaker 3: to us, she had a little caveat to wear. Well, 691 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:03,200 Speaker 3: let me explain, there was still something in her that 692 00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:05,560 Speaker 3: was worried about in talking to us. 693 00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:08,720 Speaker 1: Judgment, Right, the first two marriages didn't really count because 694 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:10,280 Speaker 1: they were only this amount of time. 695 00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:12,000 Speaker 3: And I don't know why that that thought or that 696 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:14,600 Speaker 3: scenario or that story just came to mind. But that 697 00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:19,600 Speaker 3: type of thing to where at that time with me, like, 698 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:22,600 Speaker 3: I don't want I mean, it's is it embarrassing? I 699 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:24,400 Speaker 3: don't know if that's the right word, but you hate 700 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,600 Speaker 3: to have somebody say this, I don't want to d 701 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,680 Speaker 3: on my resume? Right, So I got two d's right 702 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:33,280 Speaker 3: when I rette two divorces on my resume, And nobody 703 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,120 Speaker 3: likes or wants that. But it's that that is one 704 00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:39,480 Speaker 3: I have struggled with. I don't you fear of judgment 705 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:43,440 Speaker 3: for the way your life has played out, because in 706 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:46,600 Speaker 3: somebody else's in the wider society's mind, it shouldn't be 707 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:49,200 Speaker 3: that way. You should have done this, you should have 708 00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:51,280 Speaker 3: done that, You should have tried harder, you should have 709 00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:53,240 Speaker 3: stuck together. That thing gets me. 710 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,200 Speaker 1: Oh, I mean yes, and I have been the subject 711 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,560 Speaker 1: of judgment for a lot of my life, and I 712 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:02,280 Speaker 1: think I'm now at a place where I feel good 713 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:08,799 Speaker 1: about owning what I've done. I might err on the 714 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:11,200 Speaker 1: side of defending myself a little bit too much, but 715 00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:13,520 Speaker 1: I think I've gotten better at that, because the more 716 00:34:13,680 --> 00:34:17,520 Speaker 1: you try and defend yourself, the more unsure it seems 717 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:19,560 Speaker 1: you are about your choices. And I just think at 718 00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:21,799 Speaker 1: the end of the day, I fall back on this, 719 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:26,320 Speaker 1: I'd rather like I think we all know in our chest, 720 00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:28,440 Speaker 1: in our hearts, what the right thing to do is 721 00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:31,960 Speaker 1: what's right for us, and if we don't follow that 722 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:34,080 Speaker 1: because we're afraid of being judged. 723 00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:36,200 Speaker 2: That's the mistakes I've made. 724 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:38,160 Speaker 1: The big mistakes I've made in my life have been 725 00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:41,040 Speaker 1: because I've been more concerned about what someone else is 726 00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,400 Speaker 1: going to think or say versus what I know is 727 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:43,960 Speaker 1: right for me. 728 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:49,320 Speaker 3: You know this sounds you say that the decisions we've made. 729 00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:55,919 Speaker 3: My first marriage happened not long after my granddad, God 730 00:34:55,920 --> 00:35:00,520 Speaker 3: rest his soul. He came into the apartment where we 731 00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:05,279 Speaker 3: were living at the time, and he said, man, you 732 00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:07,879 Speaker 3: gotta do the right thing. Can't just be shacking up. 733 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:11,239 Speaker 3: He actually said to me made a statement that you 734 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,160 Speaker 3: should be married if you're going to be living together. Now, 735 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:16,920 Speaker 3: that's for my granddad. Who a guy who I that 736 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:19,040 Speaker 3: makes time in my life. He's one of the three 737 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:22,000 Speaker 3: dudes I have respected most, and he's saying that to me. 738 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:26,000 Speaker 3: So the fear of judgment comes from family, It comes 739 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:28,280 Speaker 3: from friends, it comes from society. It comes from Instagram, 740 00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:30,879 Speaker 3: it comes from viewers, it comes from listeners. It comes 741 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:34,759 Speaker 3: from all these places. And I know I shouldn't have 742 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:38,440 Speaker 3: gotten married first time, maybe shouldn't have gotten married the 743 00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:41,480 Speaker 3: second time, but those are all part of my experience. 744 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:45,880 Speaker 3: And now I'm sitting here twice divorced and still worried 745 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:49,680 Speaker 3: about how that looks to someone outside of me and 746 00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:53,239 Speaker 3: my family or people who know and understand me. So 747 00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 3: that out of everything on this list, that might be 748 00:35:55,719 --> 00:36:01,200 Speaker 3: the one that stings most. We got ten here. Give 749 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:02,799 Speaker 3: it to him again, Andy, What what are the ten 750 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:03,759 Speaker 3: things that want? 751 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,520 Speaker 2: Number nine? 752 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:07,759 Speaker 1: Ten? No? 753 00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:09,359 Speaker 3: It was it was you can see I was having 754 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:13,120 Speaker 3: a moment, man, that was that was heavy. I was 755 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:14,520 Speaker 3: tray to wrap this thing up. 756 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:17,759 Speaker 4: No, No, I have one more to torch you. 757 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:19,600 Speaker 3: So sorry. 758 00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:23,480 Speaker 4: Number ten is needing approval from everyone. 759 00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:28,279 Speaker 3: Okay, wet it strong. Oh no, no, no, no. We 760 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:31,719 Speaker 3: talk about judgment, but then approval is something different. Right, 761 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:36,719 Speaker 3: worried about what somebody thinks about me versus needing somebody's 762 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:40,960 Speaker 3: acceptance of me. They seem like the same thing. But 763 00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:43,799 Speaker 3: you see me operate in this way that I am 764 00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:47,680 Speaker 3: in one on one and Okay, I don't I don't care. 765 00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:49,880 Speaker 3: I am not putting on in front of people in 766 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:52,799 Speaker 3: a personal way to try to get them to think 767 00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:54,239 Speaker 3: this of me or to accept me. 768 00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:56,680 Speaker 2: You're very good at that. I am not. I do 769 00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:58,600 Speaker 2: seek approval from everyone. I do. 770 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,520 Speaker 1: I want it. I'm people to like me. I want 771 00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:06,000 Speaker 1: people to understand. No, no, they do not do. I 772 00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:09,600 Speaker 1: want people to Yeah, I want approval. I want people. 773 00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:12,839 Speaker 2: I like an atta boy, and I work hard for it, 774 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:18,960 Speaker 2: and I have two extremes. Actually with my job, I've. 775 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,840 Speaker 1: I've absolutely continued to say yes when I should have 776 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:24,000 Speaker 1: said no because I was seeking approval. 777 00:37:24,239 --> 00:37:26,920 Speaker 2: And I've found my worth in. 778 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:31,200 Speaker 1: External forces. I've found my worth and what people thought 779 00:37:31,239 --> 00:37:33,560 Speaker 1: of me. I've found my worth. And if people thought 780 00:37:33,600 --> 00:37:37,840 Speaker 1: I was a hard enough worker, or a smart enough journalist, 781 00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:42,279 Speaker 1: or a you know, just a all of those things. 782 00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:45,200 Speaker 1: So yes, I still deal with that. I have not 783 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:48,560 Speaker 1: I have not overcome that. I don't know that I 784 00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:50,640 Speaker 1: ever will. I'm aware of it. I'm aware of it, 785 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:54,560 Speaker 1: and I know that I seek approval and I I do, 786 00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:56,919 Speaker 1: Oh my god, every day. I seek it from you. 787 00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,279 Speaker 1: I seek it from my daughters. I seek it from 788 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:05,800 Speaker 1: my parents. Yeah, I do. Just my choice is or 789 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:11,440 Speaker 1: how I operate or you know, I want you to 790 00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:14,880 Speaker 1: approve of how I operate. 791 00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:16,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a good way to put it, I guess, 792 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:18,960 Speaker 2: And it's not healthy. 793 00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:23,760 Speaker 1: I should just be happy and secure in the knowledge 794 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:25,080 Speaker 1: that I'm doing the best I can. 795 00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:27,080 Speaker 2: But I'm not there. 796 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:31,040 Speaker 3: Wow, And you know this is not I mean, I 797 00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:32,440 Speaker 3: didn't think about that. I didn't know what was on 798 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:35,759 Speaker 3: the list. I think race comes into that for me, 799 00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,799 Speaker 3: at least, I am. I am so used to not 800 00:38:38,880 --> 00:38:44,120 Speaker 3: having society's approval. I am so used to There's nothing 801 00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:48,680 Speaker 3: I can do to make somebody think differently of me 802 00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:51,880 Speaker 3: based on what they think about a black man. I 803 00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:54,720 Speaker 3: am not going to make you feel better, feel safer, 804 00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:56,920 Speaker 3: more secure. I'm not going to make you think I'm smarter. 805 00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:59,440 Speaker 3: I'm not going to thank you. I'm not going to anything. 806 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:06,160 Speaker 3: So I never waste energy in that respect, even working 807 00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:08,720 Speaker 3: in the industry where I am so used to getting 808 00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:11,920 Speaker 3: I think you've heard it before, right, it was so 809 00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:15,160 Speaker 3: offensive to me. Oh, TJ is he's so funny, he's 810 00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,760 Speaker 3: so quick, he's so this or that. There was always 811 00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:22,000 Speaker 3: a reason to explain why TJ was excelling on television 812 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:25,880 Speaker 3: other than he's smart. He actually works harder than me. 813 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,520 Speaker 3: He actually studied harder than me. Right, None of that 814 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:31,520 Speaker 3: stuff came into play. So when it comes to acceptance, 815 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,680 Speaker 3: I was actually comfortable in the idea I am never 816 00:39:34,719 --> 00:39:38,040 Speaker 3: going to win approval from these people ever, so I 817 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:40,400 Speaker 3: stopped trying. I'm not even sure you know what it was. 818 00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:43,920 Speaker 3: It was a CNN. I wasted several years at CNN 819 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:46,520 Speaker 3: trying to be wolf Blitzer because I thought, oh, I 820 00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:48,040 Speaker 3: need to sound this way, I need to look this, 821 00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:51,120 Speaker 3: I need to be something other than me to excel. 822 00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:55,120 Speaker 3: So I have never, for quite some time, at least 823 00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:59,239 Speaker 3: I can remember, tried to get anybody's approval or acceptance, 824 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,080 Speaker 3: because what you think of me is what is going 825 00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:04,000 Speaker 3: to be, and that does factor in. I never thought 826 00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:05,400 Speaker 3: about it, and didn't know this was going to come up, 827 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:07,960 Speaker 3: but I never thought about it in that way until 828 00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:12,200 Speaker 3: I guess kind of this question brings it up. Approval. Mmm, 829 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,680 Speaker 3: nothing I can do about what some people think of me, 830 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:16,919 Speaker 3: and I'm not gonna try. 831 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:20,160 Speaker 1: That's a healthy way to be. And it's I don't know, 832 00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:22,439 Speaker 1: Maybe it's kind of funny you mentioned race. I hadn't 833 00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:25,600 Speaker 1: thought about it like that. Yeah, And I think maybe 834 00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,240 Speaker 1: the reverse maybe is true for me, where the expectations 835 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:31,640 Speaker 1: were this and so I needed to meet them. I 836 00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:34,040 Speaker 1: needed to match them. I needed to prove that I 837 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:39,080 Speaker 1: was what they thought. And so for whatever reason, Yeah, 838 00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:40,080 Speaker 1: I still struggle with that. 839 00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:46,200 Speaker 3: Damn man, is there an eleven? This one got heavy? 840 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:48,840 Speaker 1: But you know what, the cool thing about this list 841 00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:52,960 Speaker 1: is all ten of those things are you know, we 842 00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:55,160 Speaker 1: do a version of them, some more than others. But 843 00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:58,319 Speaker 1: they all take away from our energy and from our 844 00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:02,680 Speaker 1: time and from our healthy mental spaces, and so it's 845 00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:06,600 Speaker 1: important to hear them, recognize them, and then try to 846 00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:08,959 Speaker 1: I think acknowledging them is the most important thing. Right, 847 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,040 Speaker 1: I learned something about myself just hearing you go through 848 00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:15,239 Speaker 1: that list and recognizing it is a huge part of it. 849 00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:17,719 Speaker 1: And then just when you when you feel yourself going 850 00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:20,439 Speaker 1: there or doing that or starting to waste your energy. 851 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:23,120 Speaker 2: You can say, wait, wait, wait, this is. 852 00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:25,680 Speaker 1: I'll use it again a fool's Errand I'm not going 853 00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:28,040 Speaker 1: to change anything. I'm not going to change anyone's mind. 854 00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:31,680 Speaker 1: All I can do is accept who I am and 855 00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:32,160 Speaker 1: do better. 856 00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:35,080 Speaker 3: Give it to the listeners one more time and it 857 00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:37,640 Speaker 3: what's the list here of things they can stop wasting 858 00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:39,560 Speaker 3: your energy? Folks doing these things? 859 00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:43,080 Speaker 4: What is it holding onto your past mistakes, saying yes 860 00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:47,440 Speaker 4: to everyone but yourself, dwelling on what ifs, the fear 861 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:52,160 Speaker 4: of failing, clinging to comfort zones, comparing yourself to others, 862 00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:57,719 Speaker 4: overthinking every decision, waiting for someone else to change, the 863 00:41:57,719 --> 00:42:02,040 Speaker 4: fear of judgment. And number ten is needing approval from everyone. 864 00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:03,719 Speaker 2: Wow, those are good. 865 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:08,400 Speaker 1: Those are good because those are all energy vampires that 866 00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:13,640 Speaker 1: I have absolutely succumb to multiple times. 867 00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:16,920 Speaker 2: Probably still gonna do it. I'm gonna try not to. 868 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:19,239 Speaker 3: Folks. Hope you got something that was something you said 869 00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:21,360 Speaker 3: earlier and it reminded me of the serenity prayer. I 870 00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:23,200 Speaker 3: think we used it not too long ago versus something 871 00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:24,479 Speaker 3: you know. I think it was Jamie Lee. 872 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,960 Speaker 2: Curtis after the election. 873 00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:30,600 Speaker 3: I'm talking about leaving Twitter, right, she was so she 874 00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:33,239 Speaker 3: used the serenity prayer. But there's a there's another it's 875 00:42:33,239 --> 00:42:35,560 Speaker 3: a longer prayer, and there's a part something you said 876 00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:37,800 Speaker 3: that made me think of it. But folks don't remember 877 00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:40,680 Speaker 3: the next line. Can you can anybody recite the first 878 00:42:40,719 --> 00:42:43,880 Speaker 3: part of the serendiy prayer, Lord, grant me the serenity 879 00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:48,600 Speaker 3: to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to 880 00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:51,440 Speaker 3: change the things I can, and the wisdom to know 881 00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:51,960 Speaker 3: the difference. 882 00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:55,840 Speaker 2: Wow, that was very if not verbatim, very close. 883 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:59,040 Speaker 3: That's the one. But the next line of that serendy 884 00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:03,200 Speaker 3: prayer is living one day at a time, enjoying one 885 00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:07,040 Speaker 3: moment at a time, and accepting hardships as the pathway 886 00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:11,399 Speaker 3: to peace, which I think always is the doper part 887 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:13,960 Speaker 3: of the serenity prayer, but nobody recites. 888 00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:15,239 Speaker 2: Well, thank you for that. 889 00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:18,040 Speaker 1: We can take that with us and we appreciate you 890 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:21,319 Speaker 1: and your words of wisdom, and thank you Andy for 891 00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:24,360 Speaker 1: helping us try to do better with our energy and 892 00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:27,399 Speaker 1: our mental health, because that is what it's all about 893 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:29,160 Speaker 1: at the end of the day. This is about us 894 00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:33,200 Speaker 1: taking care of ourselves and recognizing the moments when we 895 00:43:33,239 --> 00:43:36,080 Speaker 1: can do better. And really, when you help yourself, you 896 00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:37,160 Speaker 1: help everyone around you. 897 00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:39,000 Speaker 2: So I love this and we. 898 00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:40,680 Speaker 3: Want to say thanks to our other You have been 899 00:43:40,719 --> 00:43:43,120 Speaker 3: hearing from our super producer Andy in the room, but 900 00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:45,600 Speaker 3: our other super produce of Cilia. You haven't heard her 901 00:43:45,719 --> 00:43:48,560 Speaker 3: voice during this podcast, but she has helped so much 902 00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:52,920 Speaker 3: just with her facial expressions. She's letting us know if 903 00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:54,920 Speaker 3: we're on the right path or hey, guys, you need 904 00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:56,880 Speaker 3: to cut this one short. So she's been great in 905 00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:58,200 Speaker 3: the room as well. We just want to acknowledge. 906 00:43:58,239 --> 00:44:00,440 Speaker 1: All right, everybody, have a wonderful day. I hope this 907 00:44:00,600 --> 00:44:01,840 Speaker 1: helps with your. 908 00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:03,839 Speaker 2: Peace and your harmony in your life. 909 00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:07,480 Speaker 1: You can find us on our official Instagram page at 910 00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:08,800 Speaker 1: Amy and TJ Podcast. 911 00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:10,520 Speaker 2: Have a wonderful day, everyone,