WEBVTT - 2026 Update: James 0:00:15.210 --> 0:00:24.889 Pushkin. Hi, Hello, Hi, Back in the studio again, back 0:00:24.890 --> 0:00:27.729 in the saddle. Today, we're gonna knock on the door 0:00:27.730 --> 0:00:30.370 of an old friend of yours named James. 0:00:30.690 --> 0:00:31.210 Ah. 0:00:31.250 --> 0:00:35.450 Okay, this is a first season episode. Yeah, way back 0:00:35.890 --> 0:00:38.050 to me. It's one of the funniest episodes. 0:00:38.370 --> 0:00:39.450 Yeah, it's very funny. 0:00:39.769 --> 0:00:43.610 And it's also one that I would come back to 0:00:45.050 --> 0:00:47.649 when I was kind of missing my friends, when I 0:00:47.690 --> 0:00:50.330 was missing both James and Howard, I would just put 0:00:50.370 --> 0:00:52.330 on this episode and it felt like I could spend 0:00:52.370 --> 0:00:56.170 a little bit of time with them. It is funny 0:00:56.450 --> 0:00:59.650 that at the time, when we, you know, went off 0:00:59.650 --> 0:01:04.050 on our mission for this episode full of hope and 0:01:04.170 --> 0:01:08.370 Shenanigan's in our heart or whatever, we felt like kind 0:01:08.370 --> 0:01:10.450 of over the hill. Well, you know, we felt like 0:01:10.569 --> 0:01:13.210 this is like kid stuff. You know, we're like men 0:01:13.570 --> 0:01:16.289 in our mid forties, you know, and what are we doing. 0:01:17.130 --> 0:01:20.410 But now listening to it from the vantage point ten 0:01:20.450 --> 0:01:23.330 years later, I feel like, Wow, were we ever so young? 0:01:23.610 --> 0:01:27.370 Ten years? My goodness, Yeah, a lot transpires, it turns 0:01:27.450 --> 0:01:31.690 out in the course of ten years. It certainly does. Yeah, 0:01:31.730 --> 0:01:34.930 And at the end of the episode, I uh check 0:01:35.010 --> 0:01:37.450 back in with James to see what his life has 0:01:37.490 --> 0:01:42.970 been all these years later. Well, enjoy, enjoy, indeed, please 0:01:43.410 --> 0:01:49.290 make sure the volume is set at a temperate number. Oh, 0:01:50.290 --> 0:02:00.090 but first, a word from our sponsors. Horrible timing. 0:02:00.530 --> 0:02:03.610 Six kids in my house, two parents and getting kids 0:02:03.610 --> 0:02:04.250 ready for Halloween. 0:02:04.330 --> 0:02:06.850 Jonathan Goldstein calling for doctor Jackie Cohen. 0:02:08.329 --> 0:02:08.810 I gotta go. 0:02:09.570 --> 0:02:14.010 Wait wait, wait, hello Jackie. Do you know what? Okay, 0:02:14.049 --> 0:02:18.930 you're a doctor, right, hurry up. I'm starting to realize, 0:02:18.970 --> 0:02:25.050 like in the past year, I'm hurry. I'm pretty convinced. Hi, 0:02:25.370 --> 0:02:26.170 I'm losing hair. 0:02:27.610 --> 0:02:30.410 You're bald, balding, bald. 0:02:31.010 --> 0:02:34.130 It's a process, so bald. Now I'm trying to figure 0:02:34.130 --> 0:02:36.490 out if it's a symptom of something to go, John, 0:02:36.610 --> 0:02:39.770 I got to go. The party starts in fifteen minutes. 0:02:39.850 --> 0:02:42.010 You're having a party at your house. Why didn't you 0:02:42.010 --> 0:02:42.690 invite me over? 0:02:51.130 --> 0:02:52.890 Do you want to just do the show? 0:02:54.010 --> 0:03:05.050 Or From Dimlet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is 0:03:05.130 --> 0:03:19.770 Heavyweight Today's episode. James In When he was a kid, 0:03:20.250 --> 0:03:24.250 James loved taking long walks with his dad, Douglas. Douglas 0:03:24.330 --> 0:03:27.210 was a film buff, and during these walks, he'd recount 0:03:27.210 --> 0:03:31.329 the plot to every movie he'd ever seen Hitchcock Kubrick. 0:03:31.770 --> 0:03:34.530 James loved it, and when he grew older and finally 0:03:34.530 --> 0:03:37.490 got to see the actual movies. As good as they were, 0:03:37.850 --> 0:03:41.890 they often paled beside the versions. His dad told something 0:03:41.890 --> 0:03:45.090 of a dreamer and an eccentric. Douglas lived his life 0:03:45.130 --> 0:03:47.970 as though he himself were a character in a movie. 0:03:48.050 --> 0:03:51.650 He died that way too. On his deathbed, he issued 0:03:51.690 --> 0:03:53.570 an unexpected final request. 0:03:54.290 --> 0:03:59.370 The request was that we scatter his ashes on the 0:03:59.530 --> 0:04:02.810 eighteenth hole of the golf course he loved. 0:04:09.210 --> 0:04:12.410 Each of Douglas's kids was handed a different task regarding 0:04:12.410 --> 0:04:15.370 the estate. James was put in charge of the ashes. 0:04:16.210 --> 0:04:18.890 My dad was probably the most important person to me 0:04:19.690 --> 0:04:24.929 outside obviously my wife and kids. When he died and 0:04:25.969 --> 0:04:28.370 when the will was recorded, I wasn't there. You were 0:04:28.409 --> 0:04:29.089 actually there. 0:04:29.130 --> 0:04:31.129 I think I was there. 0:04:31.969 --> 0:04:34.889 Douglas was nearing the end and urgently needed to sign 0:04:34.890 --> 0:04:38.010 his will, and James, who lived out of town, couldn't 0:04:38.049 --> 0:04:40.529 make it in time, so he asked me and our 0:04:40.570 --> 0:04:43.450 other good friend Howard, to go to his father's bedside 0:04:43.489 --> 0:04:45.770 and bear legal witness to the signing of the will. 0:04:46.969 --> 0:04:49.369 To this day, James still carries around a lot of 0:04:49.409 --> 0:04:56.529 regret about not being able to be there. Although I 0:04:56.570 --> 0:04:59.449 know it's unlikely, my memory of that day is of 0:04:59.489 --> 0:05:03.570 Douglas wearing an ascot tucked into his hospital robe, regardless 0:05:03.570 --> 0:05:06.330 of whether he actually was. Douglas was the kind of 0:05:06.409 --> 0:05:09.289 man who always gave the impression of wearing an ascot 0:05:09.929 --> 0:05:14.209 as always he was gentlemanly and cordial, this in spite 0:05:14.210 --> 0:05:16.610 of the fact that he would pass away within the 0:05:16.690 --> 0:05:27.849 next forty eight hours. Douglas was born an illegitimate child 0:05:27.929 --> 0:05:30.129 in a poor part of England and raised by a 0:05:30.169 --> 0:05:33.810 single mom. As a young man, he felt judged and 0:05:33.890 --> 0:05:36.890 carried with him the feeling of always having to prove himself, 0:05:37.289 --> 0:05:39.929 even going so far as to affect a posh, upper 0:05:39.929 --> 0:05:43.849 class accent. For Douglas, golf was the domain of the 0:05:43.890 --> 0:05:47.369 wealthy and sophisticated, and having his ashes placed on the 0:05:47.369 --> 0:05:50.409 eighteenth hole of his beloved golf course, an event that 0:05:50.529 --> 0:05:54.729 James says he probably envisioned being accompanied by bagpipes and artillery, 0:05:55.210 --> 0:05:58.650 would mean finally receiving his due. But James is yet 0:05:58.650 --> 0:06:03.089 to honor his father's request. It's now been sixteen years. 0:06:04.049 --> 0:06:05.449 Is it just procrastination? 0:06:07.010 --> 0:06:10.289 That's what I told myself. Yeah, I can vividly remember, 0:06:10.969 --> 0:06:14.849 you know, a day afterwards thinking, oh, yeah, the simplest thing. 0:06:14.849 --> 0:06:17.450 In fact, it seems so simple that we'll get to it. 0:06:17.489 --> 0:06:24.529 And now, sixteen years later, it's very complicated. I think, 0:06:24.770 --> 0:06:26.929 to be honest with you, there's a part of me 0:06:26.969 --> 0:06:29.729 that wants to hold on to them because it's. 0:06:31.210 --> 0:06:32.130 My dad. 0:06:37.169 --> 0:06:40.449 And so the urn moved from mantles to closets for 0:06:40.489 --> 0:06:42.729 a long time. It even knocked around in the trunk 0:06:42.729 --> 0:06:46.129 of James's car. It now sits on a shelf in 0:06:46.169 --> 0:06:52.210 his basement. Do you think it would be it Would 0:06:52.210 --> 0:06:54.050 it be a load off your head if you were 0:06:54.089 --> 0:06:56.089 able to spread the ashes. 0:06:57.330 --> 0:07:01.169 The amount of times I cried, you know, going on 0:07:01.210 --> 0:07:03.929 about how what a terrible son I was to not 0:07:04.130 --> 0:07:07.650 honor his request, and the guilt I have about the 0:07:07.650 --> 0:07:09.970 way he died, and you know I didn't deal with 0:07:10.010 --> 0:07:12.210 it well, and. 0:07:11.369 --> 0:07:12.970 It's all a piece. 0:07:18.369 --> 0:07:20.369 He As he got sicker and sicker, he wanted to 0:07:20.410 --> 0:07:27.050 go home desperately, and myself and my siblings decided he 0:07:27.050 --> 0:07:29.450 could not go home because he was a hoarder. 0:07:30.290 --> 0:07:33.249 Though it wasn't clear that he ever used them. Douglas 0:07:33.250 --> 0:07:37.050 had an entire room filled solely with golf clubs. Having 0:07:37.130 --> 0:07:40.450 lived through the war. He also saved empty TV dinner trays, 0:07:40.650 --> 0:07:43.889 old microwaves, and broken radios that he'd find on the street. 0:07:44.610 --> 0:07:48.570 We decided he could not go back there, and he 0:07:48.650 --> 0:07:51.130 was so upset about that, and he went out just. 0:07:52.570 --> 0:07:54.329 Really angry. 0:07:54.369 --> 0:07:55.530 He just wanted to go home. 0:07:57.369 --> 0:08:00.009 I can't fix the way he died, but this was 0:08:00.050 --> 0:08:05.490 his one request and I haven't honored it. And not 0:08:05.530 --> 0:08:09.050 only would I be putting to bed something that's been 0:08:11.010 --> 0:08:13.489 dogging me for years, I think I'd also feel pretty 0:08:13.530 --> 0:08:17.290 proud of myself that I'm the person I want. 0:08:17.090 --> 0:08:20.250 To be, since the person I want to be is 0:08:20.290 --> 0:08:22.450 the person who helps people be the people they want 0:08:22.489 --> 0:08:24.770 to be. I asked James if he'd like me to 0:08:24.810 --> 0:08:29.210 help him lay his father's ashes to rest, and James said, yes, 0:08:29.570 --> 0:08:30.489 would you want to do that? 0:08:30.810 --> 0:08:31.650 Yeah, of course I do. 0:08:36.130 --> 0:08:40.170 The objective infiltrate Douglas's fancy old golf course and scatter 0:08:40.250 --> 0:08:45.210 the ashes the obstacles except the genarian narcs with prying eyes, 0:08:45.770 --> 0:08:48.610 not to mention the fact that scattering earthly remains is 0:08:48.650 --> 0:08:52.410 against the law. For this to work, we need the 0:08:52.490 --> 0:08:55.810 right team. James was the key man our entry point 0:08:55.810 --> 0:08:59.290 into the operation and I was the bank bankrolling the 0:08:59.290 --> 0:09:03.050 green for expenditures. All that was missing was a front man. 0:09:03.770 --> 0:09:05.689 We needed a person of quick wit. 0:09:05.490 --> 0:09:08.010 We have bat Cat, sat fat. 0:09:07.810 --> 0:09:15.290 Someone cool under pressure. We needed that's I'm here Howard. 0:09:17.890 --> 0:09:20.370 Not only was Howard our oldest friend, but he was 0:09:20.410 --> 0:09:22.610 there with me the day the will was signed and 0:09:22.650 --> 0:09:26.090 the directive was given. And to top it off, Howard 0:09:26.130 --> 0:09:28.730 never met a grift, swindle or flim flam. He didn't 0:09:28.730 --> 0:09:31.970 think was eggs and the coffee. Okay, fill your pockets 0:09:32.010 --> 0:09:35.290 with extra after dinner mints at the local diner. Check 0:09:35.770 --> 0:09:39.490 avail yourself. Avill gained coffee refills through a counterfeit Russian 0:09:39.530 --> 0:09:43.850 Seniors card double check. Howard was always on the make 0:09:44.290 --> 0:09:51.330 and up for anything. The date had been set Sunday, 0:09:51.850 --> 0:09:55.290 which also, as it happens, was Father's Day. The team 0:09:55.410 --> 0:09:59.330 was in place. We just needed to sort out logistics. 0:10:00.010 --> 0:10:06.890 Thursday eight forty eight pm. Howard, Hey, Hi, hi, Hi, Hello, 0:10:07.690 --> 0:10:08.970 I'm on the phone with James. 0:10:09.210 --> 0:10:09.370 Hi. 0:10:11.210 --> 0:10:13.890 I just wanted to get us all together to strategize 0:10:13.890 --> 0:10:17.530 a little bit. So, Howard, is there any wisdom or 0:10:17.570 --> 0:10:20.490 experience that you could bring to bear from you know, 0:10:20.850 --> 0:10:22.410 past things, that you've done like this. 0:10:22.490 --> 0:10:26.250 From my previous heist experience. Yeah, well we shouldn't do 0:10:26.250 --> 0:10:29.410 as we get too high. Yeah, that's in one. Some 0:10:29.490 --> 0:10:31.610 booze maybe might help steal our nerves. 0:10:32.130 --> 0:10:35.650 So do you want to try to go there and 0:10:36.010 --> 0:10:36.810 play golf? 0:10:38.290 --> 0:10:39.410 No, I've never golfed. 0:10:39.890 --> 0:10:41.970 I don't know how to golf, so I've never golfed either. 0:10:42.010 --> 0:10:44.930 And it's the eighteenth hole too, so I wish it 0:10:44.970 --> 0:10:46.610 was the first hole because we could just go and 0:10:46.690 --> 0:10:48.930 suck and then do our thing. 0:10:49.130 --> 0:10:50.930 Yeah, specimically needs the eighteenth hole. 0:10:51.010 --> 0:10:53.210 Right, eighteenth hole, it's a last hole. 0:10:53.530 --> 0:10:56.170 But if there's someone there watching us, how we how 0:10:56.210 --> 0:10:56.809 do we do it? 0:10:57.330 --> 0:11:00.809 The clubhouse is near the eighteenth hole. It looks over 0:11:00.850 --> 0:11:02.570 the eighteenth hole, so that's another challenge. 0:11:03.090 --> 0:11:04.050 What the clubhouse? 0:11:05.010 --> 0:11:15.130 Clearly there was a lot of work to be done. 0:11:15.290 --> 0:11:18.610 Nine two pm. A quick look at the golf course 0:11:18.610 --> 0:11:22.930 website reveals a very specific dress code polo shirts, belts, 0:11:23.170 --> 0:11:26.890 golf shoes, something called a tilly hat. If wearing a 0:11:26.930 --> 0:11:30.250 polo shirt with some kind of bonnet wasn't embarrassing enough, 0:11:30.690 --> 0:11:33.650 the rules explicitly stated that all shirts were to be 0:11:33.730 --> 0:11:37.730 tucked in to your pants for this to work. We 0:11:37.810 --> 0:11:41.050 need to honor the dress code to a t. In short, 0:11:41.330 --> 0:11:44.650 we need the best disguises money could buy, and as 0:11:44.690 --> 0:11:47.850 the bank, it was my job to secure the greenbacks. 0:11:48.810 --> 0:11:52.890 After a brief parlay with Gimblet founder in CEO Alex Bloomberg, 0:11:53.170 --> 0:11:56.450 I'm told my budget is fifty dollars, to which I say, 0:11:56.650 --> 0:11:59.050 but I've already promised the crew I take them shopping 0:11:59.130 --> 0:12:01.530 at JC Penny and now I'll look like an idiot, 0:12:01.690 --> 0:12:05.290 to which he says what crew, and I say never mind. 0:12:05.890 --> 0:12:07.970 Alex then tells me to take it up with Matt 0:12:07.970 --> 0:12:10.050 because he's in the middle of a boardroom meeting. But 0:12:10.130 --> 0:12:12.290 Matt scares me, so I just convert the green to 0:12:12.330 --> 0:12:15.850 Canadian travelers checks, a safe, responsible move. So Alex, if 0:12:15.850 --> 0:12:18.010 you're listening, you should at least cover the service fees. 0:12:18.370 --> 0:12:20.890 Except you probably aren't listening because you're too busy with 0:12:20.890 --> 0:12:27.370 your precious startup. So although it probably wasn't the kind 0:12:27.370 --> 0:12:31.170 of establishment James's posh dad Douglas would approve of, we'd 0:12:31.210 --> 0:12:34.450 need to hit the only place we could afford after you, 0:12:35.450 --> 0:12:40.610 all right, Friday twelve thirty six pm. It turns out 0:12:40.610 --> 0:12:43.090 the sports section of a Goodwill can be a pretty 0:12:43.130 --> 0:12:48.010 sad place, unstrung badminton rackets, water logged nerve footballs you 0:12:48.090 --> 0:12:49.850 only hope are logged with water. 0:12:50.410 --> 0:12:51.810 And one boxing glove. 0:12:52.130 --> 0:12:55.490 That's the As an advanced student of the heist film 0:12:55.490 --> 0:12:58.650 as genre, I know that when pulling off a big job, 0:12:58.810 --> 0:13:02.810 the perfect outfit is crucial. Think Michael Kaine's lux white 0:13:02.810 --> 0:13:07.210 turtleneck in The Italian Job or Elliott Gould's neckerchief in 0:13:07.290 --> 0:13:08.170 Ocean's eleven. 0:13:09.450 --> 0:13:12.130 They have some very nice slacks here, I will say, 0:13:12.170 --> 0:13:13.970 and the prices are very affordable. 0:13:14.650 --> 0:13:16.690 You want to try on the polo shirts, not exactly 0:13:16.730 --> 0:13:20.050 Frankie munez is wrap around shades and agent Cody Banks, 0:13:20.410 --> 0:13:21.290 but it'll have to do. 0:13:21.770 --> 0:13:25.730 Look at these two, Oh, it's like rayon. 0:13:27.570 --> 0:13:30.370 The good news is that the Goodwill has changing rooms. 0:13:30.890 --> 0:13:33.730 The bad news is that there's only one, and it's 0:13:33.730 --> 0:13:36.450 about the size of a bus station toilet stall. I'm 0:13:36.450 --> 0:13:37.850 going to come in with you, but since we are 0:13:37.890 --> 0:13:42.290 a a team and be absolutely fearless together, we cram 0:13:42.370 --> 0:13:47.530 in and like any team would strip completely naked. That 0:13:47.610 --> 0:13:52.570 might be the uglies. It bears mentioning that the shirt 0:13:52.610 --> 0:13:56.490 Howard is referring to is creamsicle orange and bears the 0:13:56.490 --> 0:14:01.090 logo of a plumbing company, and luckiest of lucky days, 0:14:01.530 --> 0:14:04.330 he's found the exact same shirts for me and James. 0:14:04.930 --> 0:14:08.730 This way, he reasons, we can all match like a crew. 0:14:09.210 --> 0:14:14.330 He looks good. It's supposed to look good. It's golfing. 0:14:15.170 --> 0:14:15.730 Oh man. 0:14:16.770 --> 0:14:19.770 Howard, James and I have known each other since we're teenagers. 0:14:20.410 --> 0:14:22.250 Back then we used to hang out like this all 0:14:22.290 --> 0:14:25.730 the time, just doing goofy stuff. But we now live 0:14:25.730 --> 0:14:29.450 in separate cities with wives, kids, jobs, and we never 0:14:29.490 --> 0:14:32.410 get to do this kind of thing anymore. Standing around 0:14:32.450 --> 0:14:34.810 in the middle of the afternoon, laughing in the buff 0:14:34.850 --> 0:14:37.450 with old friends feels nice. 0:14:42.690 --> 0:14:45.970 So this is good. We got We've got shirts, and 0:14:46.010 --> 0:14:46.770 I got a belt. 0:14:47.050 --> 0:14:50.170 As we exit into the parking lot, our plastic sacks 0:14:50.250 --> 0:14:53.970 plump with glad rags, something straight up magical happens. 0:14:54.610 --> 0:14:54.810 God. 0:14:55.370 --> 0:14:58.090 Before getting too excited about what we think we might 0:14:58.130 --> 0:15:02.130 be seeing, possibly, we wait confirmation from the man who 0:15:02.210 --> 0:15:05.410 can spot a con a mile off a double rainbow. 0:15:05.570 --> 0:15:10.930 It's legit a double rainbow. And even Howard's impressed mildly, 0:15:11.490 --> 0:15:17.330 and so James and I give ourselves over fully overcome 0:15:17.410 --> 0:15:20.690 by this fortuitous sign. The crew was moved to song. 0:15:21.370 --> 0:15:25.650 So it was red and purple and crimson and green 0:15:25.690 --> 0:15:26.210 apple and. 0:15:26.330 --> 0:15:29.290 A rainbow was a good omen like James's dad, Douglas 0:15:29.330 --> 0:15:32.050 was looking down on us and smiling a big multicolored 0:15:32.130 --> 0:15:33.450 upside down smile. 0:15:33.330 --> 0:15:37.730 And jen blue. 0:15:39.890 --> 0:15:42.770 Sure we were dressed to the eighteens, but if we 0:15:42.850 --> 0:15:45.290 each took forty five minutes to sink a ball from 0:15:45.370 --> 0:15:49.250 two feet away, we might attract suspicion. We needed to 0:15:49.330 --> 0:15:54.570 train hard. I'm talking rocky running through waist high Russian 0:15:54.610 --> 0:15:58.250 snow hard, a montage of steel drum musicians learning to 0:15:58.250 --> 0:16:00.970 play Chariots of Fire set to the tune of Ayah 0:16:01.010 --> 0:16:06.690 the Tiger hard. I'm talking actually learning how to play golf. 0:16:12.170 --> 0:16:14.450 We find a driving range in the fancier part of 0:16:14.530 --> 0:16:19.690 town and book a golf pro by the name of Stephen. Saturday, 0:16:20.130 --> 0:16:25.330 one pm. Are you Stephen, Hey, Stephen, I'm Jonathan, This 0:16:25.450 --> 0:16:27.730 is Howard, and this is James. 0:16:27.730 --> 0:16:28.370 This is Stephen. 0:16:29.490 --> 0:16:32.850 Stephen a smile with more dimples than the golf balls. 0:16:32.890 --> 0:16:36.410 He lovingly cradles a tall drink of sports aqua velva 0:16:36.490 --> 0:16:40.850 ou de toilette. If ever, there was Stephen's been golfing 0:16:40.890 --> 0:16:44.650 professionally for over twenty years, and couldn't be nicer or 0:16:44.770 --> 0:16:49.010 better smelling and considering the frantic barrage of imbecilic questions, 0:16:49.050 --> 0:16:51.770 we ask he also couldn't be more patient. 0:16:52.890 --> 0:16:55.050 Those official golf shoes. Yeah, well I want good questions 0:16:55.090 --> 0:16:57.010 and stupid what a golfer think about? Like happy Gilmore? 0:16:57.090 --> 0:16:59.090 Can we like that they find that they find insulting? 0:17:03.730 --> 0:17:06.650 After a brief lecture on the basic how tos hit 0:17:06.730 --> 0:17:10.090 ball with stick, cold stick, with hands, get ball in hole, 0:17:10.690 --> 0:17:15.090 we're ready. We insist James go first. After all, this 0:17:15.330 --> 0:17:17.929 is his mission, every want of whose doings is finished 0:17:18.090 --> 0:17:20.489 just like this. Yeah, we're going to get to the well. 0:17:20.530 --> 0:17:24.769 Stephen tenderly positions James hips and elbows. Howard grabs my 0:17:24.889 --> 0:17:27.170 microphone and golf commentates. 0:17:27.770 --> 0:17:31.290 I'd say he looks really, really horrible. It's just ridiculous looking. 0:17:31.970 --> 0:17:32.929 I'm not encouraging. 0:17:36.250 --> 0:17:40.570 Somehow James manages to connect on his very first try. 0:17:41.129 --> 0:17:41.530 That's good. 0:17:42.689 --> 0:17:45.169 Everyone's saying very encouraging things. But it's really horrible. Is 0:17:45.290 --> 0:17:46.210 the same. But he got it. 0:17:46.209 --> 0:17:47.490 It went in the air and he hit it. 0:17:47.970 --> 0:17:49.969 It's like you say to a child. He's like, good 0:17:50.050 --> 0:17:50.609 you hit it. 0:17:51.570 --> 0:17:54.569 Stephen looks over at Howard, who now squats in the grass, 0:17:54.689 --> 0:17:58.609 untying and retying his two left footed Goodwill issued golf shoes. 0:17:59.010 --> 0:18:02.330 And then he looks over at me, a grown man 0:18:02.369 --> 0:18:05.330 in a two large tilly hat, strings cinched tight enough 0:18:05.369 --> 0:18:08.490 beneath the chin to ensure the clenched, jawed vocal affect 0:18:08.530 --> 0:18:12.210 of a young Atharine. Hepburn. He waives us to come hither, 0:18:12.810 --> 0:18:15.249 offering up something in the way of inspiration. 0:18:16.090 --> 0:18:18.369 I'm gonna try to make it go from right to left. 0:18:18.689 --> 0:18:20.129 It must feel really good when you get it up 0:18:20.169 --> 0:18:20.689 in the air like that. 0:18:21.050 --> 0:18:23.570 Well, it's great because that's the goal, right, is to 0:18:23.609 --> 0:18:24.049 get it up. 0:18:26.209 --> 0:18:29.290 The golf ball flies straight up into the air, and then, 0:18:29.730 --> 0:18:33.970 as though eerily achieving human consciousness in mid flight, suddenly 0:18:34.010 --> 0:18:39.529 takes a sharp left wa so cool. Howard, baptized in 0:18:39.530 --> 0:18:43.730 the backsplash of Stephen's pheromones, is born again. He's seen 0:18:43.810 --> 0:18:48.290 the pinnacle of male perfection, and James, it is not see. 0:18:48.129 --> 0:18:51.129 James, that's what it looks like. That's when a man 0:18:51.250 --> 0:18:53.530 hits a golf ball. A male of the species is 0:18:53.570 --> 0:18:54.169 a golf ball. 0:18:55.050 --> 0:18:58.409 Next up is Howard. He steps to the tee grips 0:18:58.449 --> 0:19:01.609 the club, and just the way Stephen instructed, does this 0:19:01.649 --> 0:19:04.769 adorable waddle back and forth to get his footing just so. 0:19:05.730 --> 0:19:10.169 And then did you hear that? Let me play it 0:19:10.209 --> 0:19:16.209 again thrice a swing and a miss, a swing and 0:19:16.209 --> 0:19:17.850 a miss, a swing and a miss. 0:19:18.090 --> 0:19:20.250 That's too much. Well, but if you're losing your balance 0:19:20.369 --> 0:19:23.689 swings fast. The first twenty five years are tough. 0:19:26.810 --> 0:19:31.410 Oh Steven, all this and funny too. My attempts were 0:19:31.530 --> 0:19:35.290 just as fruitless. As it turns out, golf is hard. 0:19:35.850 --> 0:19:38.369 We wonder if Douglas knew just how difficult a mission 0:19:38.369 --> 0:19:39.129 he'd sent us on. 0:19:39.889 --> 0:19:42.410 How would we do without the golf pro standing there 0:19:42.730 --> 0:19:43.249 helping us? 0:19:43.810 --> 0:19:46.649 You know the difference between golf clubs, And. 0:19:46.810 --> 0:19:50.609 There's a wet No, I don't, not really, I mean 0:19:50.649 --> 0:19:51.249 I know it's. 0:19:51.169 --> 0:19:57.890 Lemedge driver, putter, one iron, two iron, three iron, putter, driver. 0:19:58.050 --> 0:19:58.850 Pudder. 0:20:02.810 --> 0:20:06.689 One am. It's the night before the job, and the 0:20:06.730 --> 0:20:10.170 reality of our situation begins to set in. How can 0:20:10.209 --> 0:20:13.450 any sting be stung when the would be stingers absolutely 0:20:13.570 --> 0:20:17.369 stink at golf? Clearly this plan wasn't going to work, 0:20:18.010 --> 0:20:20.209 and so at a quarter to two in the morning, 0:20:20.889 --> 0:20:21.730 panic set in. 0:20:22.490 --> 0:20:23.330 It's impossible. 0:20:23.850 --> 0:20:25.649 It's impossible for us to play golf. 0:20:25.850 --> 0:20:27.649 We would suck so hard we would never make it 0:20:27.689 --> 0:20:28.650 off the first fucking hole. 0:20:28.689 --> 0:20:29.929 And if we knocked the balls anywhere. 0:20:29.970 --> 0:20:31.090 Yeah, I'm with you, it's like. 0:20:31.090 --> 0:20:33.009 Only how to fucking juggle. It's like it's it's an 0:20:33.050 --> 0:20:35.850 incredibly impossible thing to do. It's gonna be so obvious 0:20:36.050 --> 0:20:38.129 that there's something's up because we've never fucking golfed. 0:20:38.290 --> 0:20:40.889 Yeah, that's the issue. If we're doing any sort of subterfuge, 0:20:41.090 --> 0:20:44.249 we're going to be the most obvious, conspicuous people in 0:20:44.290 --> 0:20:46.570 the world, vicious. And then we'll have to get all 0:20:46.609 --> 0:20:49.090 the way to the eighteenth holl That takes hours, I 0:20:49.090 --> 0:20:51.649 mean literally hours, even if you're good, literally Yeah, and 0:20:51.689 --> 0:20:54.170 then try to get the ashes out forget it. 0:20:55.409 --> 0:20:58.250 Two fifteen am. Do you guys know what? Stomp rockets 0:20:58.250 --> 0:21:01.090 are growing desperate? We chuck the old plan and begin 0:21:01.169 --> 0:21:02.930 to free associate new plans. 0:21:03.530 --> 0:21:05.890 We need a T shirt cannon. Well you know actually 0:21:05.929 --> 0:21:06.889 that that could work. 0:21:09.250 --> 0:21:10.570 Three zho five am. 0:21:10.689 --> 0:21:12.690 What if we dumped them into say, like a balloon 0:21:13.250 --> 0:21:16.969 and then filled it with water and then whip them 0:21:17.169 --> 0:21:20.450 so they'll explode all on the eighteenth Green and that's it. 0:21:20.970 --> 0:21:24.050 This was going nowhere. So I raised the possibility of 0:21:24.090 --> 0:21:26.810 our pulling off a night job for those of you 0:21:26.929 --> 0:21:29.209 squares who need to be hept to it. That's a 0:21:29.290 --> 0:21:30.810 job one performs at night. 0:21:31.330 --> 0:21:32.409 I think they might have dogs. 0:21:32.530 --> 0:21:34.769 What if they think we're like terrorists or something super 0:21:34.810 --> 0:21:38.090 super posh exclusive club going late at night with someone's 0:21:38.129 --> 0:21:40.449 human remains, which is fucking totally illegal. Yeah, I mean 0:21:40.449 --> 0:21:41.970 they must have some sort of security there. 0:21:42.050 --> 0:21:42.929 Well, hunch percent. 0:21:43.330 --> 0:21:45.930 The sun was coming up soon, So I suggest that, 0:21:46.290 --> 0:21:49.609 like in Dog Day Afternoon or Reservoir Dogs, or really 0:21:49.649 --> 0:21:52.449 any other movies about dogs that I've also not seen 0:21:52.609 --> 0:21:56.290 but can only assume have happy, heartwarming endings, maybe we 0:21:56.490 --> 0:21:59.249 just show up during the day and hope for the best. 0:22:00.169 --> 0:22:02.890 This idea, Okay, that works for me, they. 0:22:02.850 --> 0:22:08.529 Liked After the break the a team of golf sets 0:22:08.530 --> 0:22:09.529 off on its mission. 0:22:10.290 --> 0:22:12.050 I want to be golf Lungren and you can be 0:22:12.090 --> 0:22:14.090 mister t t o E. 0:22:14.570 --> 0:22:15.050 Right, gotcha? 0:22:15.129 --> 0:22:15.969 I want one of mine. 0:22:16.850 --> 0:22:20.330 You just know it's wedge. Your Reginald Van cleef. 0:22:40.409 --> 0:22:41.930 Yous want to drink Scotch yet? 0:22:42.010 --> 0:22:44.689 Maybe on ice? Sure? Thank you? 0:22:46.250 --> 0:22:51.490 Sunday eight ten am father's day arrives, a beautiful one 0:22:51.530 --> 0:22:54.329 in Montreal. James says, it's a lot like the day 0:22:54.409 --> 0:22:58.369 Douglas died. We all rendezvous at the safe house, which 0:22:58.449 --> 0:23:02.010 also happens to be Howard's wreck room. James has held 0:23:02.050 --> 0:23:04.649 on to his dad's arn for sixteen years, but he's 0:23:04.689 --> 0:23:06.689 always kept it in the velvet bag it came with, 0:23:07.290 --> 0:23:10.689 so he's never actually handled it. Earlier in the day, though, 0:23:10.850 --> 0:23:14.090 in anticipation of the job, he withdrew it. And if 0:23:14.129 --> 0:23:16.889 there was any question about just how much Douglas loved golf, 0:23:17.250 --> 0:23:21.290 it was immediately answered by what was revealed. Etched into 0:23:21.290 --> 0:23:24.530 the side of the urn was a golfer in mid swing. 0:23:29.570 --> 0:23:33.170 It hears to you, Dad, don't you some of Brucy's 0:23:33.169 --> 0:23:35.769 poop bags that are actually unsentive, which is kind of nice. 0:23:35.929 --> 0:23:39.050 We're gonna use these to transfer some of James's beloved's 0:23:39.090 --> 0:23:40.130 father's ashes in't here. 0:23:40.850 --> 0:23:43.569 Herod had the idea of using his pugs poop bags 0:23:43.570 --> 0:23:46.369 to separate the ashes into portions for each of us. 0:23:47.050 --> 0:23:49.809 His reasoning, should one of us get pinched by some 0:23:49.889 --> 0:23:53.129