Speaker 1: The only thing America loves more than the coming of
Speaker 1: age story is watching that same person fall from grace.
Speaker 1: Dead ass. That's sad, and that's the exact reason why
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily care for no Fame ship. Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us from
Speaker 1: posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other
Speaker 1: publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you
Speaker 1: need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing
Speaker 1: to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created
Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most
Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about
Speaker 1: to take Philows off to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: As starts right now. Two six. This goes back to
Speaker 1: when I first made it to the NFL, and this
Speaker 1: is when you start feeling yourself. You know what I'm saying. Um,
Speaker 1: I was a free agent trial. I went through a lot.
Speaker 1: Everybody knows the story to make to the NFL. But
Speaker 1: I finally made it, and for years of being the
Speaker 1: underdog and being counted out um not having any scholarship offers,
Speaker 1: having to walk on, I felt like I was this ship,
Speaker 1: like you couldn't tell me anything. At the time, I
Speaker 1: was five ten hundred and sixty five pounds. I went
Speaker 1: to a small school. I'm from Brooklyn. No real football
Speaker 1: players come from Brooklyn. It's not a football state. I
Speaker 1: felt like I made it, like I was the one
Speaker 1: percent of people who didn't make it. I was the
Speaker 1: one percent, and I felt like I was on top
Speaker 1: of the world. I felt like I had figured out
Speaker 1: life and going through that whole process in the NFL.
Speaker 1: I got humbled when I got there and realized that
Speaker 1: even though I was the one percent of the people
Speaker 1: in my community who made it, when I got to
Speaker 1: the NFL, I was just another person, you know. And
Speaker 1: it taught me a valuable lesson that no matter how
Speaker 1: good you may think you are or how much praise
Speaker 1: you get from those around you, your world doesn't exist
Speaker 1: in that vacuum. Once you step out of that world,
Speaker 1: you get hit with a mack truck, and that mack
Speaker 1: truck is the rest of the world, and they will
Speaker 1: humble you very quick, very quickly, because there's chances are
Speaker 1: there's probably somebody else with a similar story, right forget
Speaker 1: somebody else, there's somebody else's with so many other people
Speaker 1: have similar stories to mind, and it humbled me. I'm
Speaker 1: I'm still proud of my accomplishment, but it definitely humbled me.
Speaker 1: And let me know of that. You ain't that special, bro,
Speaker 1: You still got a lot of work to do this
Speaker 1: to stay where you are. Li la la la, wait
Speaker 1: till I get my money right. Oh, I had a
Speaker 1: dream I could about my way to heaven. When I woke,
Speaker 1: I spent that on a necklace. I told God, I'll
Speaker 1: be back in the second. Man, it's so hard not
Speaker 1: to act regularly. To whom much is given, much is tested.
Speaker 1: I'm see. I'm glad we ended all to who much
Speaker 1: is given, much is tested, because that's gonna take me
Speaker 1: back to story time. Also take me back to something
Speaker 1: that happened earlier in the year. Well, I want to
Speaker 1: hear about that. But let's take a quick break and
Speaker 1: we're gonna get back into the meat of the show.
Speaker 1: Let's just let's just first go back to the initial
Speaker 1: sound bite. Right, the only thing Americans love more than
Speaker 1: the coming of age story is watching someone fall from grace. Right.
Speaker 1: Proof of that when you ever heard of rubber necking.
Speaker 1: Rubber Necking is when you're on the highway and there's
Speaker 1: an accident on the opposite side and you have traffic
Speaker 1: on your side because people can't help but watch the wreckage. Right,
Speaker 1: Americans love to watch wreckage. So they love to build
Speaker 1: people up and make them this hero. But more than that,
Speaker 1: they love to watch people fall. It's like it's like
Speaker 1: for them, it's something enjoyable. Look at all of the
Speaker 1: heartache that person is going through. They think they're so perfect,
Speaker 1: their life is so perfect. But watch right, it's it's
Speaker 1: it's part of um, part of a projection. Because I
Speaker 1: say this all the time. The world's wealth is controlled
Speaker 1: by one percent of the population. So most people in
Speaker 1: the world, especially in America, which is a capitalist country,
Speaker 1: are not happy with their place in life because financially
Speaker 1: they can't provide the life they want to have. So
Speaker 1: watching other people struggle is a form of entertainment autely
Speaker 1: a lot of people, And if you understand socio economics,
Speaker 1: you can understand why people are in that place in
Speaker 1: their life. But um, as a celebrity, quote unquote, if
Speaker 1: you're considered a celebrity, it's important for you to understand
Speaker 1: this aspect. Right. When you're celebrated, you're celebrated because you
Speaker 1: do something exceptionally right, and with that you are rewarded financially. Right,
Speaker 1: you're exceptionally doing this job. Whether it's CEO of a company,
Speaker 1: or athlete or an entertainer or a politician, you're celebrated.
Speaker 1: You're a celebrity. You're celebrated for doing something exceptional. With
Speaker 1: that comes partnerships where you get to make money. But
Speaker 1: with that money comes brands, and you have a responsibility
Speaker 1: to those brands who pay you, or the people who
Speaker 1: pay you, to keep a certain level of integrity or
Speaker 1: a certain image, certain image cohesive, cohesive with their brand. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and a lot of people need to understand that when
Speaker 1: you're celebrated for being exceptional, you're required to be exceptional
Speaker 1: in all aspects of life. And I think that's where
Speaker 1: people start to struggle, Especially in today's age. I see
Speaker 1: a lot more celebrities saying, well, I'm human. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm only human. I'm only human, which I understand, or
Speaker 1: they say I'm not here to be your child's role model.
Speaker 1: You know, you need to be the parent, and you
Speaker 1: need to be the one that's filtering with your children. See,
Speaker 1: because I am just entertaining right, which which is fair,
Speaker 1: but it's not always true. Right. For example, if you
Speaker 1: want to be celebrated for being exceptional, you have a
Speaker 1: responsibility to be exceptional in the eyes of those people
Speaker 1: who pay to watch you be exceptional, even when you
Speaker 1: don't want to be exceptional. So that means moving in
Speaker 1: an exceptional manner. If you mess up, you will get
Speaker 1: exceptional criticism. You know, the same way you're praised for
Speaker 1: being exceptional. When you mess up, they are going to
Speaker 1: tear your ass down exceptionally. And if you are smart
Speaker 1: enough to recognize that, you learn to move with integrity,
Speaker 1: right because as integrity allows you to live your truth,
Speaker 1: not for a brand, not for people, or not for praise,
Speaker 1: but you live for what's important to you. This way,
Speaker 1: you don't have to constantly put on a performance. Right
Speaker 1: and at that point, whatever is naturally supposed to align
Speaker 1: with you and your brand or your personality or your
Speaker 1: persona is naturally going to take take place. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: that's and I think that's where when people ask all
Speaker 1: the time, like you know, with the public eye on
Speaker 1: and stuff, how hard is it to keep integrity? It
Speaker 1: is difficult to keep integrity. I want I want people
Speaker 1: to think about this. Right, Imagine you come from and
Speaker 1: I don't want to use entertainment or athletics. I'm going
Speaker 1: to use something completely different that people can relate to,
Speaker 1: but you can look at it through the lens of
Speaker 1: a professional athlete and entertainer. Imagine that you're the first
Speaker 1: in your family to graduate and go to college and
Speaker 1: you work in tech. Right, you graduate with honors, and
Speaker 1: you automatically get a job at one of these startup
Speaker 1: companies making a quarter million in dollars, more than your
Speaker 1: money is your your family has ever seen before. Right, Um,
Speaker 1: you're a black person. You're celebrated by the black community
Speaker 1: as being a glass ceiling breaker. Right. You're one of
Speaker 1: the first in your areas in tech to get this
Speaker 1: position right out of college. So now you're not only
Speaker 1: making a lot of money, you're also being celebrated for it.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of pressure that comes with that, right,
Speaker 1: but also there's a lot of behaviors that since you
Speaker 1: grew up um in an environment where it wasn't supported
Speaker 1: by the life you're living in now. When you get
Speaker 1: to that new life, a lot of people don't necessarily
Speaker 1: know how to maneuver right. And the reason why I
Speaker 1: was choosing this lane because the minute you say entertainment
Speaker 1: or athletics, people automatically assume the words from athletes or entertainers.
Speaker 1: But this often happens with people who work in finance,
Speaker 1: or work in tech, or work in any industry where
Speaker 1: they make a lot of money at a young age.
Speaker 1: It's difficult to keep your integrity when you have a
Speaker 1: responsibility to provide for a lot of people who don't
Speaker 1: have those opportunities as you. And since it's difficult to
Speaker 1: live in that to existent and provide for people, when
Speaker 1: people start to throw money your way, you're willing to
Speaker 1: do whatever you can to get it. You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And the reason why I say I use
Speaker 1: that example and not entertainment because people often say Hollywood
Speaker 1: is the devil, you know what I'm saying, or people
Speaker 1: have to sell a soul to make in thee going
Speaker 1: to say is it because entertainers and athletes have an
Speaker 1: aspirational lifestyle that some people wish they could have, or
Speaker 1: is it just the admiration that they have for these individuals.
Speaker 1: What I think it is is that in our community,
Speaker 1: especially um the black community, we look up to athletes
Speaker 1: and entertainers because those are the ones we see make it.
Speaker 1: They're the flashy ones. Mind you, most of the millionaires
Speaker 1: in our community do not work in athletics or entertainment,
Speaker 1: and that's that's fly right under the radar because they're
Speaker 1: driving there. You talk about it. There are tons of
Speaker 1: black millionaires work in the tech space, who work in
Speaker 1: real estate, who work in construction, who build a great
Speaker 1: life for themselves, but they're not celebrated because you're not flashy.
Speaker 1: So when it comes to entertainers and athletes, we look
Speaker 1: at them as the pinnacle of people who made it
Speaker 1: out and they made it out quickly. So when you're
Speaker 1: twenty two and you've made a million dollars because you
Speaker 1: did a song, or you're on YouTube, or you've been
Speaker 1: drafted and whatever sport you play, people aspire to get
Speaker 1: that level of gratification. There's also too Yeah they think
Speaker 1: it's instant, but I mean, think about the athlete who's
Speaker 1: drafted chances are you hear the story about the kid
Speaker 1: that was drafted in the first round been playing football
Speaker 1: since he was two, and there is a road to
Speaker 1: getting to that, So it didn't necessarily happen overnight. Like
Speaker 1: you said, that person who was a celebrity, they are
Speaker 1: deemed to be exceptional in whatever it is that they do.
Speaker 1: So sometimes I can't understand the mindset where people want
Speaker 1: to bash or look down on, or praise the fall
Speaker 1: of some from that status because is it maybe a
Speaker 1: bit of jealousy wrapped in there or envy, or is
Speaker 1: it just like ha, you know, you can't necessarily always
Speaker 1: be at the top, because that's not life. People aren't
Speaker 1: always at the top. Well, it comes back to things
Speaker 1: not being fair. Right, when the world's wealth is controlled
Speaker 1: by one percent of the population, it's not fair. There
Speaker 1: are people who don't get access to have that live
Speaker 1: that aspirational lifestyle, even if they do things the right way,
Speaker 1: because the system is created for only a small amount
Speaker 1: of people to make money. Right, So when you lived
Speaker 1: your life and you're working so hard and it seems
Speaker 1: like you can't break through, you start to have resentment
Speaker 1: towards everybody, and then you you struggling in life. Sometimes
Speaker 1: you know, you don't want a constant reminder that you're struggling.
Speaker 1: So when you watch someone that you you see that
Speaker 1: you admire, or go through a struggle, you relate to that.
Speaker 1: You know, now you're struggling, that I can relate to
Speaker 1: that struggle because I struggle every day. So a lot
Speaker 1: of times people think always, hey, sometimes it's not hate.
Speaker 1: You know, you can't relate to people that don't have
Speaker 1: the same lifestyle as you. So when you're watching someone
Speaker 1: go through a struggle that you admire, it's easier for
Speaker 1: you to say, man, I'm not the only one going
Speaker 1: through something. They're going through it too. But when it
Speaker 1: comes to integrity, imagine you, for example, I been struggling
Speaker 1: your whole life, and now you have an opportunity to
Speaker 1: create financial freedom for yourself and those around you. And
Speaker 1: it's like, all I gotta do is that. Okay, you
Speaker 1: know I've I've been doing all the right things for
Speaker 1: this long and nothing's been happening for me. But now
Speaker 1: you just want me to do that and you'll give
Speaker 1: me X amount of dollars. Hell, yeah, I'm doing that
Speaker 1: because and that's and that's how people That's how people
Speaker 1: find themselves when they get to any level. And that's
Speaker 1: why I'm not going to just make it Hollywood and athletics.
Speaker 1: Even in corporate culture. You hear so many people in
Speaker 1: corporate culture talk about how cutthroat and evil it is
Speaker 1: at that level, because in order to ascend, typically you
Speaker 1: have to step on someone else, or you have to
Speaker 1: do something wait for somebody to get leave their position,
Speaker 1: whether they're fired or you know, or you have to
Speaker 1: do something outside of your integrity in order to get there.
Speaker 1: Like you hear you say the time, well, who did
Speaker 1: they sleep with tickets? And it has nothing to do
Speaker 1: with Hollywood or athletics. It's just trying to ascend in life.
Speaker 1: What kills me is the fact that people want to
Speaker 1: throw the Illuminati all over us, like, oh, it can't
Speaker 1: possibly be that these people have just worked and worked. Yes, folks,
Speaker 1: we've had some people say the devot I have not
Speaker 1: become members of the Illuminati. People there my tax bracket
Speaker 1: don't say Illuminati status yet based off of who is
Speaker 1: making Illuminati style money. But y'all can't just be okay
Speaker 1: with the fact that two people have just been working
Speaker 1: as kids in Brooklyn struggling and working hard over the
Speaker 1: past twenty years to build out a life that we
Speaker 1: had got to be a shortcut because somebody sold. They
Speaker 1: sold to somebody devil. Do you want to imagine spending
Speaker 1: your whole life working hard, going to school, only getting
Speaker 1: bills doing something they're not working out, and then you
Speaker 1: see two people who you grew up with actually make it.
Speaker 1: Some people in their mind said, it's not possible that
Speaker 1: they that they made it when I'm selling the soul
Speaker 1: because I think everything and and sometimes it doesn't happen
Speaker 1: for everybody, Like, we know a lot of people who
Speaker 1: work their tail off, doing everything the right way, and
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. I felt like that when I
Speaker 1: was in Yeah that way. I I've worked my ass off,
Speaker 1: Cadine has worked her ass off, And I do watch
Speaker 1: other people get praise for doing things, not even at
Speaker 1: a standard that I've done, and they get praised by
Speaker 1: by other people or different media outlets, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, how did this person get praised for
Speaker 1: that when I've been doing this for four years at
Speaker 1: an elite level and no one says anything. At times,
Speaker 1: it does become difficult for you to realize that that
Speaker 1: is not your moment. What I don't do is I
Speaker 1: never downplay someone else's moment because if that's their moment,
Speaker 1: but it's it's not that easy for some people, you know.
Speaker 1: It's just it's just not And I have so many
Speaker 1: other sspects of my life that I'm at peace with
Speaker 1: that I'm not solely, you know, defined by my career.
Speaker 1: And a lot of times people struggle in life because
Speaker 1: their career defines them. Right, my career doesn't define me.
Speaker 1: If if I don't act tomorrow, I'm still gonna make
Speaker 1: money in all my other business projects. I'm still going
Speaker 1: to be a dad, I'm still going to be a husband,
Speaker 1: I'm still gonna be a friend, a brother. So there's
Speaker 1: so many different aspects of devout that I can lean
Speaker 1: on that I don't feel the need to downplay or
Speaker 1: which down downfall on someone else who is in the
Speaker 1: position and I want to be in. But for a
Speaker 1: lot of people, they don't have those other aspects. They
Speaker 1: don't have a village to rally behind, so their integrity
Speaker 1: is often compromised because they want that one thing that
Speaker 1: they think defines them. If me being a CEO of
Speaker 1: this company and being the first Black CEO defines me.
Speaker 1: I'm willing to do anything to get there. If if
Speaker 1: I want to be the first actor in this movie
Speaker 1: to do this, I'm gonna do anything. If I want
Speaker 1: to be a first round pick, I'm gonna do anything.
Speaker 1: It's in every even at the freaking post office. We
Speaker 1: I we have friends that work in the post office,
Speaker 1: and they'd be like, Yo, these people in here were
Speaker 1: willing to do anything to be just a manager at
Speaker 1: the post office. It's like, it's the post office. You're
Speaker 1: ready to try to get somebody fired. Where is your
Speaker 1: integrity to be the manager at the post office? So
Speaker 1: I think integrity doesn't only come with being a celebrity.
Speaker 1: I think integrity comes with you understanding your place in
Speaker 1: the world, being dissatisfied with your place in the world,
Speaker 1: and willing to step on other people to get higher.
Speaker 1: And I think that's where people lose their integrity. If
Speaker 1: you understand where you're on the world, and you find
Speaker 1: peace in different aspects of your life other than just
Speaker 1: your career, it's easy to keep your integrity because you're
Speaker 1: living for more reasons than just to paycheck. That was
Speaker 1: a whole word in it. It was a word doo
Speaker 1: doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Speaker 1: doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Do
Speaker 1: you better started it started? Hey? Hey, hey, So it's
Speaker 1: a fact to consider, y'all. You figure fame or integrity?
Speaker 1: Which one is more important? Like I said, integrity all
Speaker 1: the way, I, for one, can totally disappear into my
Speaker 1: own corner. Devout tells me now that I am an
Speaker 1: introvert in hermit crab. It feels like COVID did it
Speaker 1: to me because prior to this I was social butterfly
Speaker 1: as well, and now I'm not as not as a
Speaker 1: social as I thought I was before. I guess, but hey, um,
Speaker 1: so which is more important to you? Money or happiness?
Speaker 1: Which is of more value? Success or failure which is
Speaker 1: more destructive? If you look at others for fulfillment, you
Speaker 1: will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money,
Speaker 1: you'll never be happy with yourself. Be content with what
Speaker 1: you have, rejoiced in the way things are you when
Speaker 1: you realize that there's nothing lacking, the whole world belongs
Speaker 1: to you and that's by loud to I have to
Speaker 1: agree with him because when I was in the NFL,
Speaker 1: I made a lot of money and I wasn't happy.
Speaker 1: I was waiting from my family you and not struggling
Speaker 1: a lot um. Once I lost the money and we
Speaker 1: moved back to Brooklyn and we started building, I started
Speaker 1: to find happiness in creating a life from my family.
Speaker 1: You really found happiness. And that because I beg to
Speaker 1: different babies. Listen, started from scratch, was difficult. We can
Speaker 1: we can differ. I'm not going to try to change
Speaker 1: your mind. If that's the way you felt, that's the
Speaker 1: way you felt. But I will say this. I was
Speaker 1: two years old and the league minimum at the time
Speaker 1: was two dollars. Different points in life, then, okay, I'm
Speaker 1: talking about that. But I made that money. My player
Speaker 1: performance bonus the following February was seventy dollars. A kid
Speaker 1: from Brooklyn who's never really worked consistently because I was
Speaker 1: going to school, I was I was on scholarship. I
Speaker 1: never had money. Now had six figures in the bank account,
Speaker 1: and I was dealing with UH withdrawals from pain meds.
Speaker 1: I was dealing with anxiety, anxiety because I was waiting
Speaker 1: from my family, I missed my girl, a friend. Um.
Speaker 1: You would think that the money would have cured all
Speaker 1: of those other things, but it didn't. You know, Like,
Speaker 1: not being in a sense of peace and not knowing
Speaker 1: who I was or not understanding why I wasn't happy
Speaker 1: and fulfilled made me anxious. And there was no amount
Speaker 1: of money that could could solve that. I didn't buy clothes.
Speaker 1: I wasn't able to. It wasn't like retail therapy help me.
Speaker 1: I couldn't buy my way into happiness. Well, I guess
Speaker 1: why I said. Didn't necessarily agree with this statement, per se.
Speaker 1: It says be content with what you have, rejoiced in
Speaker 1: the way things are. Sometimes people are not happy with
Speaker 1: the way they are in that moment, and they're not
Speaker 1: going to be content with the way things are because
Speaker 1: they want better for themselves. So it's like, how do
Speaker 1: you then decide how I'm going to maneuver and make
Speaker 1: the best out of the situation to get the things
Speaker 1: that I want. So this, this is how I navigate
Speaker 1: that being content in the way things are doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that you have to be content that those things will
Speaker 1: never change in the future. You still have to work
Speaker 1: towards what you want. But being content in the moment
Speaker 1: that you have health, you have clarity, and you have
Speaker 1: opportunity to get the things you want allows you to
Speaker 1: be content in the moment. Right you know, I want
Speaker 1: to be the biggest movie star on the planet. I'm
Speaker 1: not that right now. But does that mean that since
Speaker 1: I'm not that right now, I can't be content with
Speaker 1: where my life is right now. No, I can be
Speaker 1: content with all that I have and still work my
Speaker 1: ass off to be that as as hard as I can.
Speaker 1: And and I found that when I wasn't on anybody's
Speaker 1: TV screen, when I was behind O Mari Hart with
Speaker 1: being his stunt double, and no one ever saw in
Speaker 1: my face before social media started to pop, Right when
Speaker 1: I was working as a gym as a trainer, training
Speaker 1: some people's kids who didn't want to be trained, you know,
Speaker 1: whose parents wanted it more than them. I found contentment
Speaker 1: in the fact that I was able to provide a
Speaker 1: lifestyle for my wife and my son at the time,
Speaker 1: and they could. You guys, could do the things you
Speaker 1: wanted to do and be at peace. I found in
Speaker 1: that while knowing I'm still building for what I really
Speaker 1: want to be for myself and the value. You are
Speaker 1: a good egg. Okay, you're a very good egg. And
Speaker 1: I mean, I couldn't think of another word in the moment,
Speaker 1: but it's just what I'm What I'm trying to get
Speaker 1: at is that hearing this from you completely makes sense
Speaker 1: because that is in line with your personality, your drive,
Speaker 1: your ambition, your work ethic. But there's some people, even
Speaker 1: some of the listener letters that we write in, and
Speaker 1: people will say, like, I just am in a rut
Speaker 1: in life, like how can I get myself out of this?
Speaker 1: I'm not happy with where I am in my life.
Speaker 1: I'm not happy with what I've achieved. I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm in this rat race. I can just see how
Speaker 1: it's easy for people to be in that rut, and
Speaker 1: it'd be hard to say, you know what, I just
Speaker 1: don't even know how to begin to be content with
Speaker 1: where I am, you know, and that's a difficult place
Speaker 1: to be in. I just want to acknowledge and love
Speaker 1: on those people because I know that I've been there
Speaker 1: where it seems like you have everything to sustain you.
Speaker 1: And yes, you have health and strength and support and
Speaker 1: love and you know, but you're still just find that purpose.
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe the purpose is not something that people are
Speaker 1: in line with finding in that moment. But you you say,
Speaker 1: I'm a good egg. But a lot of times, how
Speaker 1: many times if you had to talk me off the edge?
Speaker 1: Think think about how many times where I've been downstairs
Speaker 1: in the gym just working my ass off, and then
Speaker 1: I sit down and I'm stopping, and you just like,
Speaker 1: what's the matter. Why are you looking about to cry?
Speaker 1: And I'll just be like, yo, I want to do
Speaker 1: these things and no one is allowing me to do
Speaker 1: these things. I want to create, I want to do this,
Speaker 1: and you'd be like devout. Think about where you were
Speaker 1: five years ago and how much you've done in that time.
Speaker 1: You know, Also, having integrity and learning to be content
Speaker 1: with where you are doesn't mean that that always comes
Speaker 1: from within. Sometimes you need people around you to remind
Speaker 1: you to you know, stop stop looking yes, stop like
Speaker 1: when you're in this moment, one of the biggest things
Speaker 1: that can deter you from from being content is always
Speaker 1: looking ahead right and saying well, I want to be there,
Speaker 1: Because you're looking at where you are and you're comparing
Speaker 1: where you are to where you want to be, as
Speaker 1: opposed to looking behind sometimes and saying look where I was,
Speaker 1: look where I was, look where I am, and look
Speaker 1: where I want to be. I'm happy with how far
Speaker 1: I've come in that amount of time. I'm also happy
Speaker 1: with what I have. If you're always looking ahead. You
Speaker 1: pointed it out to me in the NFL. I was
Speaker 1: not happy one day in the NFL because I was
Speaker 1: always looking at what I wanted to do, and I
Speaker 1: took it for granted, and the opportunity was short lived
Speaker 1: because I wasn't smart enough to be content in the moment.
Speaker 1: I didn't appreciate the moment, so the moment was fleeting.
Speaker 1: I wasn't as successful as I could have been in
Speaker 1: the NFL because I was always thinking about the next thing.
Speaker 1: You still have to appreciate the moment, right, you have
Speaker 1: to honor the gift. The gift in the moment is
Speaker 1: the NFL. So rather than saying, I want in the NFL,
Speaker 1: but I want to be a starter, I want to
Speaker 1: be a startup. I want to be a Hall of Fame,
Speaker 1: I want to win a Super Bowl. Doing all of
Speaker 1: those things and not being able to do that in
Speaker 1: that moment made me upset, and all I did was
Speaker 1: complain and bitch and moan and got my ass cut.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. And now I have no
Speaker 1: opportunity to ever be those things. But in the moment,
Speaker 1: I had an opportunity, and I was not where I
Speaker 1: wanted to be, but I had an opportunity. If people
Speaker 1: start to realize that every day you wake up, you
Speaker 1: have an opportunity to be where you want to be,
Speaker 1: that's where you can find contentment. That's where you can
Speaker 1: find a content Because I know, me coming from where
Speaker 1: I've come from, I tend to sometimes see the glass
Speaker 1: I have have empty, where my husband here always sees it
Speaker 1: half full, and you know, it's hard to sometimes wrap
Speaker 1: your mind around it when you have you're in those
Speaker 1: moments of you feel like what's hopelessness um and how
Speaker 1: you're able to maneuver opportunities and remaneuver your life in
Speaker 1: that moment to then make it to the next level
Speaker 1: of whatever it is you're trying to attain. So I
Speaker 1: figured that was an interesting look on it, because not
Speaker 1: everyone can probably feel like that. You know, it's it's
Speaker 1: it's difficult, and integrity is a hard thing to maintain
Speaker 1: in a world that's based on capital, right because It's
Speaker 1: like you hear all these sayings it's a dog eat dog,
Speaker 1: you know, It's like, okay, so what does what does
Speaker 1: that mean? Like I'm only going to be successful if
Speaker 1: I'm a dog and I eat another dog, which there's
Speaker 1: no integrity and a dog eating another dog, right, But
Speaker 1: we often celebrate people who get success by any means. Right,
Speaker 1: So then it's like, well, doesn't integrity really matter? Doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: especially when it's the fame if that's what you're shooting
Speaker 1: to achieve, and that what does integrity look like for
Speaker 1: some people? Because what maybe a form of integrity to
Speaker 1: you may not need a form of integrity to me.
Speaker 1: And then I think that boils down to just morals.
Speaker 1: And you know what, you're okay with doing things you're
Speaker 1: willing to sacrifice or not in order to make it
Speaker 1: to that next level of whatever you know, your career
Speaker 1: field maybe, or whatever your aspiration is. So that's something
Speaker 1: to also keep in mind too. It's like your level
Speaker 1: of integrity and what you might can ssider to be
Speaker 1: um that is not necessarily the same for the next
Speaker 1: person I want to did you read this second part,
Speaker 1: which one becoming a celebrity? Yes, we read that real quick.
Speaker 1: Becoming a celebrity alters the person's being in the world.
Speaker 1: Once fame hits, with its growing sense of isolation, mistrust,
Speaker 1: and lack of personal privacy, the person develops a kind
Speaker 1: of character splitting between the celebrity self and the authentic
Speaker 1: self as a survival technique in the hyperkinetics and heat
Speaker 1: the atmosphere associated with celebrity life. I agree with that
Speaker 1: once you become a celebrity, people expect you to behave
Speaker 1: in the manner and which made you a celebrity, even
Speaker 1: if that that manner is a character. Yes, absolutely so,
Speaker 1: because I expect er Erkele to fall down and like,
Speaker 1: did I do that? Like when I see him Julia
Speaker 1: White today, like he's a to me and and a
Speaker 1: lot of times people get to a point where they're like,
Speaker 1: I'm tired of performing, right, But even even just the
Speaker 1: character that he plays. When you're a celebrity, people expect
Speaker 1: you to act like a celebrity, And when you don't
Speaker 1: act like a celebrity, people say things like, oh, you're
Speaker 1: just a regular person. Are we all just regularly? What
Speaker 1: exactly does act like a celebrity look like? I guess
Speaker 1: they want you to say the you know, the PC things,
Speaker 1: and you know, always be on and just you know,
Speaker 1: willing to take pictures with whoever you encounter, sinne autographs
Speaker 1: and if you have a day where you're just being
Speaker 1: quote unquote human, you may potentially be scrutinized for that. Well,
Speaker 1: here's another thing. Everybody's idea of what a celebrity supposed
Speaker 1: to act is different. So how do you how are
Speaker 1: you always going to fall into everybody's perfect idea of
Speaker 1: how it's celebrity supposed You can't? Says, you try to
Speaker 1: be at random times. It's impossible, and that's how people
Speaker 1: lose themselves because like, if this person WANs me to
Speaker 1: be this way, let may be that, and that person
Speaker 1: wants me to be a celebrity this way, and and
Speaker 1: and after a while, and this is where integrity comes in.
Speaker 1: If you don't feel comfortable in living in your true
Speaker 1: self and you're constantly performing for everyone else, at some
Speaker 1: point you're gonna fall just like this, says. Studies show
Speaker 1: that the pressure of celebrity can lead to self destructive
Speaker 1: patterns like substance abuse to help mitigate the stress. How
Speaker 1: many actors or performers do we know have taken their
Speaker 1: own lives because it was just too much to handle
Speaker 1: whatever they were dealing with. It becomes a lot in
Speaker 1: the fear of someone taking my idea. I'm going to
Speaker 1: still tell this story. I was watching everything that happened
Speaker 1: in the media over the last couple of months between entertainers,
Speaker 1: whether it was an actor, a singer, athlete. I've noticed
Speaker 1: that once celebrities start to move in a manner that
Speaker 1: is more advantageous for them and their mental health, everyone
Speaker 1: else STI there crazy, M right. What you mean you
Speaker 1: don't want to do interviews no more? I just I
Speaker 1: don't want to do an interview today. Something's wrong. He's
Speaker 1: isolating himself. He's crazy. What you mean you don't want
Speaker 1: to play no more? He retiring. He's at the peak
Speaker 1: of his game. Why is he retiring? He must be crazy,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Wait? Wait, wait, when he
Speaker 1: went and did something that no one else thinks he
Speaker 1: should do. Other people can do it, but not him. Oh,
Speaker 1: he's crazy. It's like the minute you become a celebrity,
Speaker 1: they expect you to behave in a way that the
Speaker 1: minute you start to focus on what's right for you,
Speaker 1: you've now lost everybody. And that's the part of celebrity
Speaker 1: that I don't think people who are not celebrities understand.
Speaker 1: They just know how to cancel people. Yes, for example,
Speaker 1: I told you about the conversation I had with the
Speaker 1: dude on Instagram. My hair is thinning. It's been thinking
Speaker 1: for years. Right, doesn't make no difference to me. It's
Speaker 1: just standing here. It happen when you get older. Right.
Speaker 1: So dude says to me, Yo, the hair is thinning.
Speaker 1: You need to let that go on my page? Right.
Speaker 1: So I sent him a message back and I said,
Speaker 1: you know, it's funny that you think because you're here
Speaker 1: right now, he's full full head of hair waves. Because
Speaker 1: you're here is better than mines. You should you have
Speaker 1: the right to tell me I should let my hair go. Right.
Speaker 1: My house is better than yours. Should I tell you
Speaker 1: to let that go? My car is better than yours?
Speaker 1: Should I tell you to let that go? My life
Speaker 1: is better than yours? Should I tell you to let
Speaker 1: that go? And he said, he said, you know, I
Speaker 1: never thought about it that way. And I said, now,
Speaker 1: just imagine you made that comment. But look at all
Speaker 1: the people who made comments around your comments. Those are
Speaker 1: hundreds and thousands of people who since you pointed out
Speaker 1: something about me, I felt it was okay to now
Speaker 1: attack that part of my life. But if I were
Speaker 1: to say something to you in the same manner, how
Speaker 1: would it make you feel? And he was like, yeo,
Speaker 1: I never thought about it that way. And and and
Speaker 1: we had this conversation, you know, we had this conversation
Speaker 1: on DM and I said to him, you know, I
Speaker 1: don't care about my hair thinning. I make jokes about
Speaker 1: it myself. My kids make jokes about it, like like
Speaker 1: that's part of life, right. But what if you run
Speaker 1: across the celebrity who's having a bad day, who's mom
Speaker 1: just found out something bad, and they're just in the
Speaker 1: like the like even even me, What if I found
Speaker 1: out something terrible that happened in my life, and if
Speaker 1: you make that same comment and in that moment I
Speaker 1: respond emotionally that person face to face. No, they definitely
Speaker 1: wouldn't say that face to face, because no one ever
Speaker 1: says that things to me face to face that they
Speaker 1: say in the comments. Which I also understand that you
Speaker 1: have keyboard warriors, right, but being a celebrity often often
Speaker 1: people feel like you're supposed to have integrity, But they
Speaker 1: don't realize that those around you don't have integrity with
Speaker 1: dealing with you. So why am I the only one
Speaker 1: that's supposed to have integrity? And I don't think people
Speaker 1: who are not celebrit understand that what that can take,
Speaker 1: like the mental toll it takes, you know, because we
Speaker 1: have friends who play in the NBA and they are very,
Speaker 1: very popular, Like you know, even the NBA has their
Speaker 1: realm of top five players. But the friends that we have,
Speaker 1: our World Champions, defensive Player of the Year's Finals envy,
Speaker 1: like we have friends who are at that level. And
Speaker 1: the stuff that people say to their family in the
Speaker 1: stands and say to them and and calling them outside
Speaker 1: their name, calling their wife outside their name, making funt
Speaker 1: of their kids. Right, No one ever says where is
Speaker 1: your integrity as a fan? Right? Where is your integrity
Speaker 1: as a consumer of content? But when it comes to
Speaker 1: the celebrity is where is your integritiescut? You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I think people need to understand there's
Speaker 1: a lot of pressures that come with the celebrity. So
Speaker 1: if you're a celebrity and people constantly bashing you, constantly
Speaker 1: bashing your family, saying all this other stuff. Then they
Speaker 1: have an opportunity to do something for them and their family,
Speaker 1: and you want them to have integrity and protect you
Speaker 1: as the community. It's like, wait a minute, why would
Speaker 1: I do something to protect the same community that bashes
Speaker 1: me and my family constantly. So yeah, I might take
Speaker 1: this bag, And I'm not validating people for doing stuff
Speaker 1: without integrity. But what I'm saying is is there are
Speaker 1: certain people in the world who don't care about the community,
Speaker 1: who don't care about what you feel or say about them.
Speaker 1: They're only going to focus on their family. And imagine
Speaker 1: being from a low income community and you're the only
Speaker 1: source of light to help your community. If that bag comes,
Speaker 1: those people don't care about your ideas of what they
Speaker 1: should do to keep their integrity. They're gonna get the
Speaker 1: bag to help feed their family. Because as fast as
Speaker 1: you raise that celebrity up, you will tear them down
Speaker 1: just as fast as the heartbeat. And they can't always
Speaker 1: be focused on what you think when they're trying to
Speaker 1: protect their family or feed their family, So that comes
Speaker 1: first and foremost. I have not not a doubt in
Speaker 1: my mind that as your as your start continues to rise,
Speaker 1: that if somebody came out there face sideways about me
Speaker 1: or the kids, it's money and you were caught in
Speaker 1: a moment. It's gonna be a moment. I'm gonna say this.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this wholeheartedly. Wholeheartedly. There's a reason why
Speaker 1: we have multiple streams of income outside of social media
Speaker 1: and Hollywood, because I'm never going to make a decision
Speaker 1: about my family based on me needing to make money
Speaker 1: from something. I learned that when the NFL, right the
Speaker 1: minute they decided that I wasn't going to be in
Speaker 1: the NFL no more, all my revenue streams were cut.
Speaker 1: So I had to dance to kind of make sure
Speaker 1: that I can make money. The reason why I have
Speaker 1: my own revenue streams doing a bunch of other things
Speaker 1: because if someone ever disrespects my family, I don't want
Speaker 1: to have to worry about my brand in that moment.
Speaker 1: I don't because my brand is not gonna save Because
Speaker 1: we'll be talking about integrity. Your brand is not gonna
Speaker 1: save you when you walk in those doors and your
Speaker 1: kids and your wife gotta look at you like, bro,
Speaker 1: you let that happen. You know what I'm saying, It's
Speaker 1: the same way with me. Picking are roles because I've
Speaker 1: got offered roles to do different things, and I'm just like,
Speaker 1: because of what matters to me, which is my kids
Speaker 1: and my family, I can't do that role. I can't
Speaker 1: play the drug dealing gun toten womanizing black guy on
Speaker 1: TV no more because my family will look at my daddy.
Speaker 1: You've gotten passed the point in your life where you
Speaker 1: have to accept that. There was a point where I
Speaker 1: had to accept that. But because of what integrity means
Speaker 1: to me, which is my family first. Now I can
Speaker 1: make decisions because of my revenue streams to say, you
Speaker 1: know what, I'll pass on that, Well, you'll never work
Speaker 1: here again. All right? Then, well I won't, but I
Speaker 1: can go home and my wife can be like, I
Speaker 1: love you, and chances are after that I love you,
Speaker 1: something else will rolling is don't even worry about those
Speaker 1: because the ones that's not meant for you won't be
Speaker 1: for you, but the ones that are absolutely still going
Speaker 1: to be there, absolutely All right. I guess we can
Speaker 1: move into some listener letters now. They just had a
Speaker 1: couple of things for anybody who's looking to get into
Speaker 1: fame or to be famous. Some tips for managing fame
Speaker 1: really quickly. Um, you cannot meet everyone's unrealistic expectations, So
Speaker 1: just don't try. Take the opinions of others about you
Speaker 1: lightly and don't take it personally. Remember one of the
Speaker 1: four agreements have how they feel about you has nothing
Speaker 1: to do with you. UM, stay grounded and down to
Speaker 1: earth as much as possible, and if needed, get help. UM.
Speaker 1: This this one is says, stay grounded and down to earth.
Speaker 1: The success is not a reason to feel superior to
Speaker 1: other people. Games can often confuse people and make them
Speaker 1: think that they are one of a kind and everyone
Speaker 1: else is inferior. Do not fall for this track. It
Speaker 1: will It will cloud your thinking and perception of true
Speaker 1: self love. I can lose you opportunities just as fast too, absolutely,
Speaker 1: But I can speak to this as an athlete. I've
Speaker 1: seen so many athletes who felt why just look over
Speaker 1: at you? Just look mad, pretty, just don't know? And
Speaker 1: I was if we was outside of how I let you.
Speaker 1: But all right, Mama, still get it when when you
Speaker 1: got it, Oh, you definitely got it. When athletes get
Speaker 1: to the pinnacle, right, whether it's high school and you're
Speaker 1: an All American, and they lose that right, So now
Speaker 1: you go to college and things kind of fizzle out.
Speaker 1: I've watched a lot of athletes lose themselves because they
Speaker 1: thought what they did made them superior to other people.
Speaker 1: But now you no longer have that. So if you know,
Speaker 1: because this this, every job is fleeting, you're only going
Speaker 1: to be an athlete for so long, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. You're only going to be the best actor
Speaker 1: for so long. You're always going to be the best
Speaker 1: singer for some You're only going to be the CEO
Speaker 1: for so long before someone comes along because everyone dies
Speaker 1: and they're always looking for the next best thing for
Speaker 1: the cheaper, younger talent. Absolutely, So, if you take your
Speaker 1: occupation as your reason why you're better than other people,
Speaker 1: when that fleets and goes away, what do you have
Speaker 1: to stand on as a person in individual that right
Speaker 1: there is the most important one staying grounded and down
Speaker 1: to earth. Because I've seen athletes and entertainers at every level,
Speaker 1: whether it was the NFL guy who was retired, the
Speaker 1: college guy who didn't make it to the NFL, or
Speaker 1: the high school guy who never played in college, you
Speaker 1: you thought you were better than everybody because of that,
Speaker 1: And when you no longer had that it was going.
Speaker 1: I watched it firsthand, and those people often end up realizing,
Speaker 1: like day, my my occupation can't define me. And the
Speaker 1: same thing happens to actors. You were a child actor
Speaker 1: and you were on the hit show, and now no
Speaker 1: one knows you anymore. You know, you were the singer
Speaker 1: that was on the Disney Channel who was supposed to
Speaker 1: be the next Britney Spears, and you turned sixteen and
Speaker 1: no one thinks you're cute anymore, and now you're not singing.
Speaker 1: And what happens, you know, it happens at every single level,
Speaker 1: every single month, every single level, y'all. All right, let's
Speaker 1: take a quick break and we'll move into listening letters
Speaker 1: after we get into some ads, So stick around. All right,
Speaker 1: now we're back favorite part of the show. We get
Speaker 1: to hear from y'all. Let's see who got integrity in
Speaker 1: these listening street signed let me see what y'all've been
Speaker 1: up to. Who've been out here throwing ass around and whatnot?
Speaker 1: All right, Hija Valkadeen, please keep me anonymous. I as
Speaker 1: long as you don't say no names, no phase, no caise,
Speaker 1: I love you both and calling you guys my cousins
Speaker 1: all the time. What's up? Cause the podcast is amazing
Speaker 1: and I'm also as a team of stand Okay show
Speaker 1: coming soon. So here's my dilemma. Me and my man
Speaker 1: have been together for over a year and a half.
Speaker 1: He has a few women that he considers best friends.
Speaker 1: I met one of them and she was cool. There's
Speaker 1: this other one that I just don't understand. Child is
Speaker 1: always one. Uh. She seems to be doing some over
Speaker 1: the top stuff, calling, super late, texting early in the
Speaker 1: more running. The most recent and annoying example, me and
Speaker 1: him went out to dinner for my birthday and would
Speaker 1: y'all believe she called in the middle of our dinner
Speaker 1: asking if she I think, asking if she would need
Speaker 1: pliers for whatever she was trying to fix. I'm sure
Speaker 1: she knew that it was my birthday because he was
Speaker 1: telling just about everybody the week of all of his
Speaker 1: friends are before we got together. And I'm not an
Speaker 1: ultimatum user. However, I want to know if they've ever
Speaker 1: had sex or had I'm sorry, if you've ever had sex,
Speaker 1: and what the deal is, because at this point is
Speaker 1: getting annoying, like she's wanting, like she's waiting in the
Speaker 1: wings for him or something. Should I be concerned with
Speaker 1: asking about this or should I brush it off? Signed
Speaker 1: over it? So she doesn't know if they've had sex. Ah,
Speaker 1: So have we asked? Have you asked? Girl? Because I
Speaker 1: want to know where the answer is. Do you think
Speaker 1: that will be a determining factor as to why she
Speaker 1: feels she can do this or not? I don't know,
Speaker 1: to be honest, I just I just think that there's
Speaker 1: a certain boundaries whether you have sex or not. Your
Speaker 1: homeboys out to dinner with his wife, well his wife
Speaker 1: or girlfriend? His girlfriend is well, yeah, they've been together
Speaker 1: for over a year and a half ago. Yeah, so okay,
Speaker 1: so here's nothing. I mean. The consolation to me is
Speaker 1: that she to an extent that the Frankie feels comfortable
Speaker 1: to call and he feels comfortable answering in front of her,
Speaker 1: because I feel like if there was something to hide,
Speaker 1: and there's a chance that that would not be occurring,
Speaker 1: maybe this female friend does not know how to have
Speaker 1: boundaries now that her friend, who she's been a friend
Speaker 1: with for years now has a steady girlfriend of a
Speaker 1: year and a half. A year and a half is
Speaker 1: still new. So unless your boyfriend sets forth the boundary like, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, you can't just be interjecting, or if he
Speaker 1: just not answered the phone, he has to also have
Speaker 1: the wherewithal to know you're calling me in the mid
Speaker 1: middle of my girl's birthday dinner. That call is gonna
Speaker 1: have to wait. There you go. You don't gotta answer it,
Speaker 1: You're gonna answer it. So they may both be a
Speaker 1: little bit at full here too, well, I mean not
Speaker 1: a little bit. Like this also goes to when a
Speaker 1: woman does something and as a man involved, it seemed
Speaker 1: like they always go to blame the woman. Right, you
Speaker 1: just made a good point. He didn't have to answer
Speaker 1: the phone, right, so you you could blame her for calling,
Speaker 1: But you could also say to him like, dude, it's
Speaker 1: my birthday dinner, why are you even answering the like
Speaker 1: you know who it is? Because we all have these
Speaker 1: names that pop up on our phone click or text message.
Speaker 1: I can't answer, but a right, they like, he has
Speaker 1: to create boundaries. But what you also said is true.
Speaker 1: A year and a half is not that long, and
Speaker 1: if they've been friends for years, he's probably had relationships
Speaker 1: that came and went, and it's like this is gonna
Speaker 1: be my friend regardless. Until he sets the boundary, He's
Speaker 1: always going to be my friend. And that's just the
Speaker 1: way it exactly. And if she can't respect that, if
Speaker 1: he were to put his foot down, then she might
Speaker 1: be lightning in away. Exist you never now, Anna, because
Speaker 1: I was thinking completely different until you said that. But
Speaker 1: that's true. Until he puts the foot down and creates
Speaker 1: the boundary, what what is she supposed to do? They've
Speaker 1: been existing this way for years, so it's up to him. Definitely,
Speaker 1: I think you need to have conversation with him. Sex
Speaker 1: or not. That really is not, um necessarily the reason.
Speaker 1: Um It's just about because even if they didn't have sex,
Speaker 1: she can't just be calling in the middle of your
Speaker 1: dinner and he answering the phone. Like, that's just not
Speaker 1: absolutely And I mean, like perfect example, you said you
Speaker 1: as a team of stand Crystal and I are close friends.
Speaker 1: Crystal will not call. We had to meet, We had
Speaker 1: to argument. Kay was upset at her last week because
Speaker 1: she alarm went off in her other house. It was
Speaker 1: two in the morning and she lives by herself, and
Speaker 1: k was like, why didn't you call us? And she
Speaker 1: was just like, well, I know you guys to sleep
Speaker 1: and it's inappropriate. And we were just like, yo, like
Speaker 1: you're by yourself, Like that's an emergency, that's that's a
Speaker 1: circumstance where if you can talk in the morning, if
Speaker 1: you didn't call him or I one of us. But
Speaker 1: he answered. But she has the respect to say, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to call at two in the morning because
Speaker 1: you're married. You know. It's like she said, a boundary.
Speaker 1: I've said a boundary. But also as a wife or
Speaker 1: a girlfriend, it's also like, hey, you know, you know
Speaker 1: when things are appropriate and when they're not appropriate. There
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be a rule set or a time set,
Speaker 1: you know, use discretion. If she would have called me
Speaker 1: at two in the morning for supplies in the house,
Speaker 1: Becaude probably been like, yo, what are you fixing that
Speaker 1: two in the morning, Like you have applies to your hand? Awesome, Okay,
Speaker 1: now go to the nearest outlet and stick it right
Speaker 1: into the socket. Hello, hello, Okay, there we go down ship.
Speaker 1: Only only a woman would have go that far. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't even think about killing nobody. Watch somebody got to
Speaker 1: die with y'all all the times back to integrity question
Speaker 1: of it to um but you know, just to close
Speaker 1: out that question, your boyfriend got to set boundaries and
Speaker 1: let people know it's on him totally. I'm thirty years
Speaker 1: old and I've been in a relationship with my thirty
Speaker 1: one year old boyfriend for four years. I will be
Speaker 1: a tending grad school in the fall out of state,
Speaker 1: and have been making plans with my boyfriend to prepare
Speaker 1: for long distance for the past year. I've made it
Speaker 1: clear to him that I'm looking to get engaged before
Speaker 1: grad school or separate given long distance, the stress of
Speaker 1: grad school and me being of childbearing age is is
Speaker 1: enough to bear without having a commitment. He recently has
Speaker 1: shared with me that he began having feelings of being
Speaker 1: unsure of how we would work for a long term marriage,
Speaker 1: and that he also feels unsure that he will be
Speaker 1: able to live up to the compromises. The compromises required.
Speaker 1: I feel completely blindsided, giving he's taken so long to
Speaker 1: tell me this and has had me look at rings
Speaker 1: and go through pre marital counseling with him last year.
Speaker 1: As I searched forward or that's why you go through
Speaker 1: counseling to figure out this what you want to do?
Speaker 1: As I search for answers. He feels the pressure to
Speaker 1: answer my questions without having the space and time to
Speaker 1: think so that he can move forward with being more
Speaker 1: intentional towards committing to marriage. I'm growing impatient and jaded
Speaker 1: because of the time I've spent I've put in only
Speaker 1: to be surprised by this. Are his feelings about marriage
Speaker 1: at this point? Unreasonable? Is this cold feet or something more?
Speaker 1: Although I love him, I don't know what to do anymore.
Speaker 1: Jaddn't bitter? Yeah, okay? How do you tell people how
Speaker 1: you feel and they tell you how they feel and
Speaker 1: you get mad because they don't say what you want
Speaker 1: to say exactly? Counseling the purpose of Yeah, that's usually
Speaker 1: why people recommend premarital counseling. Like you and I had
Speaker 1: the opportunity to do it beforehand, and then stuff got
Speaker 1: crazy and busy and my uncle ended up marrying us,
Speaker 1: and we were like, maybe we should find somebody who
Speaker 1: wasn't related to me to do it. So that's the
Speaker 1: purpose of talking these things out ahead of time, to
Speaker 1: decipher if it's really what you want to do or not.
Speaker 1: I would applaud him in the circumstance for just saying
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not sure if I'm willing to compromise on
Speaker 1: certain things rather than marry you under the false guys
Speaker 1: of I'm going to give you everything you want and need,
Speaker 1: and that he don't and then you're mad, and then
Speaker 1: you even more jaded and bitter. So see, I think
Speaker 1: she wanted him to say something else, and when he didn't,
Speaker 1: she waited, hoping she could change his mind. Mind. He
Speaker 1: just told you how he felt, and now the ball
Speaker 1: is in your court to say, you know what, I
Speaker 1: understand how you feel based on what you said, but
Speaker 1: I'm looking for something immediately, so I'm going to have
Speaker 1: to move on. I don't think that that's an ultimatum.
Speaker 1: I think that you being delttle bit about what you
Speaker 1: need and what you want out of life and not
Speaker 1: being willing to wait, that's not an ultimatum. That's you
Speaker 1: making a choice. Uh. And I think that he told you.
Speaker 1: You know, when when someone shows you who they are,
Speaker 1: it tells you what they want. Believe them the first time,
Speaker 1: don't waste time trying to change their mind, and then
Speaker 1: when they don't, be jaded and bitter because you couldn't
Speaker 1: change their mind. That's you. That's you problem. Like that's
Speaker 1: that's a lot of a lot of times. I think
Speaker 1: what happens people ask for the truth about things they
Speaker 1: asked to hear. How people feel. Think of when you
Speaker 1: did that Madame Noir episode while back, and it's supposed
Speaker 1: to be wasn't I think like a man? Or Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was asked ask black man. And when a lot
Speaker 1: of the men on there were saying the things that
Speaker 1: women didn't want to hear, but we're their truth, got upset.
Speaker 1: You've got people kind of throwing tomatoes. And then you'd
Speaker 1: have the one or two guys who were singing the
Speaker 1: sweet songs and the whispering the sweet promises and saying
Speaker 1: the right words. That was just like a glazed over vague,
Speaker 1: you know, opinion of what a man should be. And
Speaker 1: women were like, yeah, we want him. But he was saying,
Speaker 1: then that's and that's the truth. Like you, you know,
Speaker 1: you can't ask somebody what they want and not be
Speaker 1: ready to receive their truth. You know. But but here's
Speaker 1: another truth though, Um, the biological clock is real. Right.
Speaker 1: I'll give you an example. We had Jackson, we had Kyro,
Speaker 1: we had cass Codine, had great pregnancies, we had the
Speaker 1: code and she had an amazing pregnancy. At the end
Speaker 1: of the pregnancy, she suffered from postpartum preclampson, which could
Speaker 1: have taken her life. That comes with age. And now
Speaker 1: it's to a point where it's like, if Candeine and
Speaker 1: I wanted to have another baby, which we don't, if
Speaker 1: we wanted to, that option has been kind of limited
Speaker 1: because of her health issues that come with age. And
Speaker 1: I think that a lot more men need to realize, like, hey,
Speaker 1: we can take our time because we don't have to
Speaker 1: carry children. A lot more women are being deliberate about
Speaker 1: what they want and need out of life, because once
Speaker 1: you get to that, you know, thirty, mid thirties, now
Speaker 1: you have to start thinking about your health and safety
Speaker 1: if you want to be a mom, and that's a
Speaker 1: real thing. So it's not an ultimatum. It's not you
Speaker 1: being unreasonable, it's not you putting pressure, it's me you
Speaker 1: being honest. But with you being honest, you have to
Speaker 1: be willing to accept that that man may say, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not ready right now. And if he's not ready
Speaker 1: right now, then you have to make the decision to
Speaker 1: move in a different direction, which means you may be
Speaker 1: in love with this man, and you may jump out
Speaker 1: of the frying pan into the fire, and you may
Speaker 1: be looking for something else that you may not find
Speaker 1: in any other man. And you may find yourself by
Speaker 1: yourself because you left someone who you were in love with,
Speaker 1: who may not been ready in that moment, but might
Speaker 1: be ready now. So well maybe it might be ready
Speaker 1: later on. So I get it tough place to be in,
Speaker 1: but I get it's great that y'all are at least
Speaker 1: exploring this by having the conversations and by speaking about
Speaker 1: it and seeking the counseling, because that's actually being proactive,
Speaker 1: absolutely not reactive. Absolutely. All right, y'all keep writing in
Speaker 1: because we'd love to hear more from you guys. Um
Speaker 1: listener letters should go through email. Don't d m U
Speaker 1: s because we're not gonna see it, um dead. Ask
Speaker 1: advice at gmail dot com. That's right, there's d E
Speaker 1: A D A S S A d V I C
Speaker 1: E at gmail dot com. All right, Momenta, True time,
Speaker 1: we're talking about integrity across the board, public scrutiny, praise
Speaker 1: all those good things. When it comes to integrity. My
Speaker 1: thing is pretty simple. Can you sleep at night when
Speaker 1: you do whatever it is that you do, whether it's
Speaker 1: to get that next gig or that next role or
Speaker 1: that promotion or whatever it may be. Um the way
Speaker 1: you handle into actions with people on a day to
Speaker 1: day basis, whether you're famous or not. The way you
Speaker 1: carry yourself is that something that you can do and
Speaker 1: then at the end of the night sleep peacefully. That's
Speaker 1: usually how I look at it, because if it's something
Speaker 1: that's gonna keep me up and it's gonna be like, damn,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have. I wish I didn't, you know, I
Speaker 1: should have could have? What is then that? For me?
Speaker 1: It's never any progress there. I'm always gonna say I
Speaker 1: should be able to sleep at night and sleep peacefully
Speaker 1: and be happy with the decisions that I've made in
Speaker 1: the way I've treated people. I agree with that. And
Speaker 1: I'll also add this, like integrity also depends on what
Speaker 1: you value in life. If you value family, your integrity
Speaker 1: is going to be rooted in what is in the
Speaker 1: best interests of your family first, right. If you don't
Speaker 1: have a family and you value community, your integrity is
Speaker 1: going to be uh dependent upon what's in the best
Speaker 1: interests of the community. If you value career and fame,
Speaker 1: your integrity is going to be dependent upon what you
Speaker 1: think is going to get you the greatest amount of
Speaker 1: fame and finances. So integrity really depends on what the
Speaker 1: person values. You can't put your value on someone else
Speaker 1: and say they have no integrity because of what they did. Also,
Speaker 1: integrity goes both ways. I am tired of watching people
Speaker 1: talk about celebrities saying they have no integrity when these
Speaker 1: people who are not celebrities walk around having no integrity
Speaker 1: at all on a daily basis. Okay, so you don't
Speaker 1: have to be a celebrity to have integrity, right, you
Speaker 1: can be a person that works are on the five is.
Speaker 1: For example, I've been watching a lot of people talk
Speaker 1: about I don't even want to bring the situation up,
Speaker 1: but what they should what one what a celebrity should
Speaker 1: have done. But you cheat on your wife every day.
Speaker 1: So you're telling me what this person should do to
Speaker 1: have a better to be have more integrity, But you
Speaker 1: don't live integrity in your own personal life. Right, you
Speaker 1: stepped on your boss to get that promotion, but you
Speaker 1: think that celebrity should have integrity. You see what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: Get judgment and the whole point. The whole point is
Speaker 1: You do not have to be a celebrity to live
Speaker 1: with integrity. We all, as human beings, should learn to
Speaker 1: live with integrity every single day. And that integrity is
Speaker 1: going to be depending upon what you value. Don't let
Speaker 1: anyone else tell you what's supposed to value more. Because
Speaker 1: if it's your family, put that first and foremost. If
Speaker 1: it's your community, put that first and foremost. If it's
Speaker 1: if it's you, your career, put that first and foremost.
Speaker 1: Because you're the only person has to answer to you.
Speaker 1: And as fast as you become a celebrity, you'll fall
Speaker 1: even faster. So if you continue to put other people
Speaker 1: in the forefront, you get disappointed very quickly. All right, now,
Speaker 1: it was a word a word. Be sure to find
Speaker 1: us on social media if you have not already. Dead
Speaker 1: asked the podcast. Thank you for following and engaging on
Speaker 1: that page. We'd love to see it and you can
Speaker 1: find me at Cadine I Am and I Am devoted
Speaker 1: and if you're listening or Apple Podcasts, be short, rate, review,
Speaker 1: and subscribe. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart
Speaker 1: Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple
Speaker 1: Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the
Speaker 1: podcasts and never miss a thing