Speaker 1: Happy Birthday, to yeah, by birthday to yeah, happy Birthday,
Speaker 1: to come back, thank you.
Speaker 2: Oh your heart. Hi, welcome back to good Mom's Bad Choices.
Speaker 2: I'm Erica and I'm Mila. Happy Wednesday, Happy Wednesday. Welcome
Speaker 2: back to make your own magic October.
Speaker 3: October is my favorite month. And guess what, you guys,
Speaker 3: it's my birthday.
Speaker 2: It's a very special day. It's my wife's birthday.
Speaker 4: I'm twenty seven, she's twenty seven. Wow, I don't know.
Speaker 4: I feel like twenty seven was a good year for me.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 4: Wait, oh yeah, it was the year I gave birth.
Speaker 3: It's a very transitional year, and I feel like I'm
Speaker 3: in a transitional year in my life.
Speaker 4: So we're going back to the twenty seventh. Okay, Well,
Speaker 4: I'm with it. If you google me, you'll find out
Speaker 4: ho old I am. But don't do that shit.
Speaker 2: If you're twice seven, I'm twenty six, I'm with it.
Speaker 4: That's true exactly.
Speaker 2: How I feel? How do you feel today?
Speaker 4: Like I said, I feel like I'm in a transitional year.
Speaker 4: I feel good.
Speaker 3: I feel good. I feel like this year has been
Speaker 3: very challenging for me. I've had a lot of deep
Speaker 3: shadow work I've been going through and working through, and
Speaker 3: things I thought that I had already dealt with have resurfaced,
Speaker 3: and so I'm kind of in the midst of journeying
Speaker 3: through that path, but excited to do excited to do
Speaker 3: the work, and like, honestly, I'm even more grateful too
Speaker 3: because part of the work is with my dad, and
Speaker 3: my dad is really on board with participating in that
Speaker 3: part of the work that I need to do with him.
Speaker 4: So actually next week, me and him.
Speaker 3: Have a solo trip planned for the weekend, and I'm
Speaker 3: fucking nervous as hell. I'm trying not to have expectations,
Speaker 3: which is really hard, which is the whole thing I'm
Speaker 3: trying to undo with men. But I am open, I'm open,
Speaker 3: I'm happy, and I'm grateful to be alive and have
Speaker 3: been doing this thing here for five and a half years.
Speaker 5: The whole thirties, the whole oh my god, has been
Speaker 5: all of my thirties, because I just told her to
Speaker 5: one whole day, the whole twenties, fuck my whole twenty
Speaker 5: five four and a half's yeah, yeah, you know, I'm
Speaker 5: excited for you, and I think sometimes as we're like
Speaker 5: going into new ages and new stages of our lives. Like,
Speaker 5: for instance, when we were like going into your thirties,
Speaker 5: people tell you all the time, my.
Speaker 2: Thirties are gonna be different. It's gonna be so different,
Speaker 2: like just like what my their heads so crazy, But
Speaker 2: you don't really fully understand or grasp that until you
Speaker 2: do it. So I think after you go through those
Speaker 2: very pivotal moments when you are going through something that's transitional,
Speaker 2: like you are right now, that like it brings a
Speaker 2: little bit more ease because you're like, oh, I've done
Speaker 2: some I've done some transitional shit before, and at the
Speaker 2: other side there's this grand thing. But you know, when
Speaker 2: you get to that part when you're like something's not
Speaker 2: right here and I have to do some work, it
Speaker 2: can be difficult. So I'm proud of you, and I'm
Speaker 2: excited for this year and these changes and that you're
Speaker 2: embracing them. And I'm excited for your journey with your
Speaker 2: with your dad and your trip. I think a lot
Speaker 2: of people don't get the opportunity to identify when they're
Speaker 2: having like having parts of their lives that they're stuck in,
Speaker 2: and then even go even deeper to be like, well,
Speaker 2: this is related to this person, and this person is
Speaker 2: still here, so let's deal with it. And I realized,
Speaker 2: like I was just thinking this yesterday. I'm like, this
Speaker 2: crazy thought came and I'm like, am I close to
Speaker 2: my parents? Or am I just? Are they my parents?
Speaker 2: And so there's an assumption of closeness, you know, like
Speaker 2: when you grow up in the household with someone or not,
Speaker 2: you know, you're like, so you see them every day,
Speaker 2: so it feels close. But as we become an adults
Speaker 2: and we go off into the world and then we
Speaker 2: go you know, the whole thing is like you have kids,
Speaker 2: you make your own family, get married, and then you're like,
Speaker 2: but like, did I talk to these people on a
Speaker 2: day to day basis like I do my homegirls or
Speaker 2: my friends. And it kind of scared me, you know,
Speaker 2: because it's like all these none of the none of
Speaker 2: us are going to be here permanently, and so what
Speaker 2: does that look like if you know, like this this
Speaker 2: idea that there's closeness, but then the reality that maybe
Speaker 2: it doesn't exist like we think it is, and you
Speaker 2: know how abrupt the ending of that can be if
Speaker 2: you're not really working on the relationships actively. So like
Speaker 2: I'm excited to see, you know how that plays out
Speaker 2: for you, and like, thank your feedback.
Speaker 3: I feel very fortunate that I have a parent that
Speaker 3: wants to do that, because I know that it's there's
Speaker 3: there's a difference between having a parent that's alive that
Speaker 3: you want to work through some shit with and they
Speaker 3: can't even they won't they're not getting to participate or
Speaker 3: they won't even acknowledge anything, versus a parent that is like,
Speaker 3: what do you need? How can I how can I
Speaker 3: help this, how can I help serve view in this way?
Speaker 3: Or how can I help heal this this thing, this
Speaker 3: damage that I've done.
Speaker 2: It also makes me wonder for me, for me as
Speaker 2: a mom and as a parent, and I think about
Speaker 2: how I am with my parents right now, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: what the fuck? Like if if Luna grows up and
Speaker 2: is thirty five and I'm like speaking to her once
Speaker 2: a week, I'll be like, what the fuck? You know
Speaker 2: what I mean? And like how sad that can be
Speaker 2: for a parent. You know, I think parents are probably
Speaker 2: more aware of it because they're the parent, whereas we're
Speaker 2: like at the peak of our lives, just like I
Speaker 2: gotta work and I got to figure it out where
Speaker 2: parents are like probably realizing that not that it's coming
Speaker 2: to an end, but you are getting older, so the
Speaker 2: mortality of that is more present, and so it's like,
Speaker 2: you know it probably you know, just like parents feel
Speaker 2: sadness and your kid goes off to college or gets married,
Speaker 2: there's this level of losing them or losing that relationship,
Speaker 2: and I don't know, it's kind of it scares me
Speaker 2: a little bit, you know. So it is exciting that
Speaker 2: your dad's willing to do that, and it makes me wonder,
Speaker 2: like do I need to reminds me of durand asking
Speaker 2: us this question that we intentionally swept over when he
Speaker 2: was like, would you be friends with your parents if
Speaker 2: they weren't your parents? And I was like, ooh, dog,
Speaker 2: relax with these questions. But you know, it's like yes
Speaker 2: to your parents, but is there a level of friendship
Speaker 2: that you have there and are you working to maintain
Speaker 2: that or you know, even discover if it doesn't exist.
Speaker 2: So I think that's I think your dad's cool, and
Speaker 2: I think he's cool like for being open to doing
Speaker 2: it and he's aware of like what, you know, the
Speaker 2: relationship you guys have had. So I think that's like
Speaker 2: super super inspiring.
Speaker 4: That is a deep question.
Speaker 3: I want if you're listening, ask yourself that question, because
Speaker 3: I'm sitting here thinking, like, I know, yes I would.
Speaker 4: I would be.
Speaker 3: Friends with my parents now right if you asked me
Speaker 3: like five years ago, I don't.
Speaker 4: I don't think so, I don't know. Definitely, I don't know. Sorry, mom.
Speaker 2: But the other questions we don't generally ask ourselves. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's nice to It's nice when people pose those questions
Speaker 2: so you can have the opportunity to reflect on it,
Speaker 2: because a lot of people will just bypass those things
Speaker 2: and then you'll you have regret. You'll have regret, you know,
Speaker 2: and it's like we might as well deal with the
Speaker 2: things that come up in real time so that you're
Speaker 2: not dealing with it when it's too late.
Speaker 4: True.
Speaker 3: Thanks, Well, we have another parent here in the building.
Speaker 3: We have one of my dear friends and someone that
Speaker 3: I just admire so much. She is a master wellness educator.
Speaker 3: She's also the host of Deeply Well podcast. She's a
Speaker 3: mama to a cutie pilot boy. Debbie Brown. Welcome back
Speaker 3: to the show.
Speaker 4: Thank you. I'm so happy to be here with people.
Speaker 3: I'm so happy to have you.
Speaker 4: Would you be friends with your parents?
Speaker 6: M Yes, And you know, I was really relating first
Speaker 6: of all, that was beautiful, that whole exchange around, because
Speaker 6: my God, is that complex, I think, I you know, yeah,
Speaker 6: I think at the place that I am at now
Speaker 6: at this age with my mom and Jess, especially seeing
Speaker 6: her be such a phenomenal grandmother to my son, like absolutely,
Speaker 6: she's a really amazing friend.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, it's I feel like it's a journey.
Speaker 4: I think.
Speaker 3: I think for women too, with a relationship with the
Speaker 3: mom is always a little bit complicated. It's a little murky,
Speaker 3: and obviously there's so many layers of that, I think
Speaker 3: because of the time in which our parents grew up
Speaker 3: in the pressure to be perfect wives or perfect mothers,
Speaker 3: or and not having the tools also to to self
Speaker 3: regulate and really know how to.
Speaker 4: Support their child.
Speaker 3: Because I think a lot of times too, society paints
Speaker 3: this version of motherhood as like you give birth to
Speaker 3: your mini me and it's not that like, and then
Speaker 3: you're disappointed kind of w or you're frustrated, like why
Speaker 3: are you acting this way? This is not this is
Speaker 3: not what I would do, or this is not how
Speaker 3: I would behave, and so then there's that resistance, at
Speaker 3: least for me with my mother, Like we are very
Speaker 3: different people, similar in ways, but different people, and I
Speaker 3: always felt like there was this like miscommunication of like
Speaker 3: this is who I am and I'm not going to
Speaker 3: be that, and it became like this tug of war,
Speaker 3: and I feel like over the last few years like
Speaker 3: there's kind of honestly, I think it's good moms.
Speaker 4: Really that really helped.
Speaker 3: Heal our relationship because I had to stand ten toes
Speaker 3: down in what I was doing and because I loved it.
Speaker 3: I love it so much and I'm so passionate about it,
Speaker 3: and she didn't understand it, and it caused a lot
Speaker 3: of turmoil at first in our relationship. And then I said, no,
Speaker 3: this is what I'm doing. And then obviously now she's
Speaker 3: seen the growth and you know, the journey, and there's
Speaker 3: like a level of like I think she respects me
Speaker 3: as an adult. Finally, I mean, I'll always be her baby,
Speaker 3: but that has also I think softened her to who
Speaker 3: I who I was as a younger child and really
Speaker 3: understanding like the rebellion that I was going through in
Speaker 3: ways of like this is how I want to dress.
Speaker 3: This is how I am, Like, I'm not weird about
Speaker 3: nakedness just because you are, even though like my mom's
Speaker 3: but as naked in my house every single day.
Speaker 4: That's just that's why I would always be so confused, like, Mom,
Speaker 4: you're like the most naked person I know, why are
Speaker 4: you acting? Yeah?
Speaker 3: She would be just butt naked all over the place like.
Speaker 2: Erica and I would be sometimes I would be uncomfortable.
Speaker 4: I'd be like, Mom, can you just like put some
Speaker 4: underwear on? Like god damn. She was like wow, shit,
Speaker 4: Like wow, I can see where I was birthed. The portal.
Speaker 2: The portal is shining cause.
Speaker 3: But I think that there's a level of understanding and
Speaker 3: softness that has I've seen her adopt in the way
Speaker 3: she communicates with me, like I've seen I don't even
Speaker 3: know if it was intentional, but I so probably something
Speaker 3: I need to acknowledge and tell her because even more recently,
Speaker 3: I've the way she talks to me.
Speaker 4: On the phone, like, Hi, honey, how are you? Like
Speaker 4: She's very like, hey, how you doing?
Speaker 3: Because ITAs before I always felt like, oh god, I'm
Speaker 3: in trouble, Like what did I not do?
Speaker 4: What?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 3: So, yeah, there's there's definitely been a growth there. So
Speaker 3: now I definitely would be friends with my mom.
Speaker 2: It's so interesting, Like I'm hearing you talk, I'm just
Speaker 2: like thinking about us as a unit, and I'm just thinking, like,
Speaker 2: you know, our parents did come from a different time
Speaker 2: and they were experiencing different shit, and like we not
Speaker 2: surpassing our parents, but spiritually and emotionally absolutely, And I
Speaker 2: don't know, like I actually want to know like what
Speaker 2: your background is, and you're like how your spiritual upbringing was,
Speaker 2: But in my household were there really wasn't a lot,
Speaker 2: you know, like was like we weren't very religious. In fact,
Speaker 2: like my dad told me, like Jesus was just like
Speaker 2: some white man that all the white people told us
Speaker 2: to believe in and then everyone believed them, and like
Speaker 2: how people are dumb basically, and like so I wasn't
Speaker 2: forced into any religion, but I've always been like attracted
Speaker 2: to like spirituality and the mystics. But I realize that
Speaker 2: there's this like emotional intelligence that we kind of have
Speaker 2: kind of been birth into. And I'm sure it's partially
Speaker 2: the Internet, and I'm thinking it's partially just like the
Speaker 2: way the world is going that it requires us to
Speaker 2: be a little bit more tuned. And I think that
Speaker 2: this generation right here has been given this like extreme
Speaker 2: blessing responsibility to heal the generations before us. And I
Speaker 2: see it, like I feel it, and I see it
Speaker 2: in my kid, and I see it when I see
Speaker 2: my look at my mom and you know, I've seen
Speaker 2: her grow in ways and same like shift to what
Speaker 2: I'm doing and be like okay, like okay, I get
Speaker 2: it now, but like it's always been a lot of
Speaker 2: this and I'm a lot of person, so I get it,
Speaker 2: and I'm very rebellious and I'm very ten tones down
Speaker 2: and who I am. But even to the like even
Speaker 2: though I was talking to my dad and he was like,
Speaker 2: but you know, back in the day, like my parents
Speaker 2: really didn't tell us we love them. And I asked
Speaker 2: them about that because their parents didn't tell them they
Speaker 2: love them, and there was this like disconnect of emotional
Speaker 2: like emotional vulnerability. And I mean, I think as brown
Speaker 2: and black people too, when you have a lot of
Speaker 2: shit to worry about, like survival, there's not a lot
Speaker 2: of time for like the woo woo shit, and so
Speaker 2: it's like get the work done, work hard, do this
Speaker 2: don't fuck around. So I think when they see us
Speaker 2: and we're like naked, I'm doing this, they're like wait.
Speaker 4: Like they don't.
Speaker 2: There's a level of misunderstanding. But I think it's also shifting,
Speaker 2: shifting generations of like trauma for us, you know, and like,
Speaker 2: I think it's a it's an interesting thing to watch
Speaker 2: us being ourselves and then watching our parents kind of
Speaker 2: like us be the parent and them kind of come
Speaker 2: out of the the you know, like out of their
Speaker 2: just like that very stubborn place where they were. And like,
Speaker 2: I was just thinking about all the tools that we utilize,
Speaker 2: like the tarot cards and the readings, because I know
Speaker 2: I've been to your reader through Erica and I had
Speaker 2: like a I had a uh what did I have?
Speaker 2: I had a family constellation done, and even for me,
Speaker 2: I'm like, this is crazy, weird, this is so weird,
Speaker 2: but I'm still open to it. And I'm like then
Speaker 2: I have like an hour into it, I'm fucking bawling, crying,
Speaker 2: standing on pieces of paper. But I mean, I just
Speaker 2: imagine for like our parents, these are things that they
Speaker 2: would never be open to, and they'd also be like
Speaker 2: what the fuck you know what I mean? But us
Speaker 2: being open to certain like levels of spiritual medicine has
Speaker 2: really like it's going it's going to change the paradigm
Speaker 2: for our kids and just being open to that type
Speaker 2: of stuff. And I'm just like wondering what was the
Speaker 2: background growing up with your mom and your family and
Speaker 2: like did they did she encourage it or was it
Speaker 2: like forbidden or what did that look like?
Speaker 6: Yeah, well, first, I would love to speak to everything
Speaker 6: that you just said, because I mean it was just
Speaker 6: so beautifully unpacked and just so deeply true and some
Speaker 6: of what you're saying. It's interesting because I think back,
Speaker 6: you know, when you come into enlightenment, especially if you
Speaker 6: are a breaker of generational trauma in your family line,
Speaker 6: or especially if you are an awaken or away shower,
Speaker 6: which so many of us are in this generation, I
Speaker 6: think you go through stages with how you relate to
Speaker 6: your family system. And of course this is dependent on
Speaker 6: our individual experiences, and some people have a lot of
Speaker 6: truly unforgivable, big t trauma that happens with their families,
Speaker 6: so I'm not quite speaking to that, but you go
Speaker 6: through this phase where you know, it's like at first
Speaker 6: you're just high on your own shit, because you just
Speaker 6: think you're so great because you're figuring stuff out and
Speaker 6: you're breaking these curses and you're doing things differently, and
Speaker 6: you're having these awarenesses. And then there's a lot of
Speaker 6: anger that happens towards your family of origin, and sometimes
Speaker 6: a lot of shaming of them, and a lot of
Speaker 6: a deep desire to disassociate and disconnect. And then hopefully
Speaker 6: the farther we get on our journey and the more
Speaker 6: we soften, there comes a lot of humility. Like in
Speaker 6: the last few years, I've come into an immense amount
Speaker 6: of humility, and the way that I was walking around
Speaker 6: with my awakening and kind of allowing it to make
Speaker 6: me feel sometimes better then or above. You know, I'm oh,
Speaker 6: I'm so and I know, and I see how the
Speaker 6: world works, and I understand because to the point of
Speaker 6: what you said, yeah, none of this existed for them.
Speaker 6: You know. It's like we're only a handful of decades
Speaker 6: removed of women having the right to have bank accounts,
Speaker 6: of women having universally around the country, like the right
Speaker 6: to work without permission. And I think something I also
Speaker 6: have really been fascinated by that I'm studying is like
Speaker 6: I love to study generations, like dating back a hundred years,
Speaker 6: like what were people going through in whatever times it was,
Speaker 6: And I think we are always at the mercy no
Speaker 6: matter or how pure your heart is, no matter how
Speaker 6: good your intention, we are always at the mercy of
Speaker 6: the collective consciousness of the time, which means billions of people.
Speaker 6: You know, like it influences everything. But I think, you know,
Speaker 6: as we kind of process our stuff, and for those
Speaker 6: that are looking to reconnect with their families, you know,
Speaker 6: I think the thing that we hear a lot is like,
Speaker 6: you know, they didn't get that either, And have compassion, yes,
Speaker 6: and have a deep gratitude that you were born in
Speaker 6: a time that you could connect to this work with
Speaker 6: so much ease. Granted, no matter what, doing the work
Speaker 6: is hard, but the fact that you can open up
Speaker 6: Instagram and read an infographic that explained something that took
Speaker 6: somebody maybe ten years of therapy to understand. And not
Speaker 6: only are you understanding it, we're blessed with the fact
Speaker 6: that the collective now is having new language, is understanding
Speaker 6: these things. You can slide into conversations like this in
Speaker 6: a way you never could, you know. So as much
Speaker 6: as we feel really proud of the work that we're doing,
Speaker 6: and we should. There also has to be humility with it,
Speaker 6: because it's not that we're better than the generations that
Speaker 6: came before us. We just have a completely different set
Speaker 6: of circumstances and opportunity and space to do this work.
Speaker 3: I'm thinking about the collect like you're talking about the collective,
Speaker 3: and I'm thinking about in this time. Yes, there is
Speaker 3: the luxury, right that we have these things at our fingertips.
Speaker 3: I have whatuld you call it an infographic that you
Speaker 3: can break down something super quickly that maybe someone took
Speaker 3: ten years to figure out. There's also kind of like
Speaker 3: a privilege in that as well, that, right, I can
Speaker 3: just kind of like, Okay, got it, So why next?
Speaker 4: Oh that was cute? Oh took you ten years? Cool?
Speaker 3: Like how do you view that? Like is that is it?
Speaker 3: Is it dangerous? Or is it helpful? Like?
Speaker 4: Where do what? How would you describe the collective right now?
Speaker 6: I think everything is always both, you know, Like I
Speaker 6: think in every field that we're in and every paradigm
Speaker 6: that shifts, like you always have awful, mediocre, good, excellent,
Speaker 6: you know, And I think that's the same thing for
Speaker 6: this time and in some ways It is dangerous because
Speaker 6: a lot of people who don't do the work are
Speaker 6: getting equipped with language they don't apply or understand, and
Speaker 6: a lot of people are just memorizing books and memorizing
Speaker 6: terms and regurgitating. But to actually change oneself, it's a
Speaker 6: slow process.
Speaker 4: It takes years.
Speaker 6: It's not a weekend of vision boarding that can motivate you,
Speaker 6: but that deeper inspiration that actually allows you to embody
Speaker 6: new ways of being and change your life. It's a
Speaker 6: very slow, beautiful unfolding, and it requires a lot of patience,
Speaker 6: and it requires a lot of revisiting. You know, something
Speaker 6: you said earlier. It's like I thought, I healed this,
Speaker 6: and you did. You healed what you had access to
Speaker 6: at the time. And because of that work, now there's
Speaker 6: a little more. Now there's an opportunity to see it
Speaker 6: from a different lens, to apply that same healing to
Speaker 6: other areas of your life, you know. And so I
Speaker 6: think that's and maybe this isn't the perfect word for this,
Speaker 6: but it's the one that keeps coming through. It's like,
Speaker 6: be in humility with your process. That is what will
Speaker 6: really guide you and push you forward for the rest
Speaker 6: of your life. Allow yourself to be in dignity with
Speaker 6: your process, be an integrity with your process. It's not
Speaker 6: about who's more healed and how much we know than
Speaker 6: the other person, or how many wh I did ayahuasca
Speaker 6: this many times, so that means this I.
Speaker 2: Did da da da da dada.
Speaker 6: It's like cool, cool, cool, And we all have our
Speaker 6: stuff from this lifetime and all the others. You know,
Speaker 6: It's like it's not a race to enlightenment or consciousness.
Speaker 6: And I think very often people, especially once they get
Speaker 6: connected to certain language, it's just so easy to get
Speaker 6: high on your own supply. It is so easy to
Speaker 6: be feeling yourself and holding yourself as above. And you know,
Speaker 6: I'm always of the belief no matter where i am
Speaker 6: in my wisdom and my knowledge and my process above
Speaker 6: nor beneath anyone ever, I'm just dancing with my unique
Speaker 6: karma and my unique spiritual curriculum. And actually, to answer
Speaker 6: your question that you had to start, I didn't come
Speaker 6: from a spiritual home. I think my mom was having
Speaker 6: her own reckoning with God, and so God was not
Speaker 6: at all present in my house. But I always longed
Speaker 6: for God, Like I remember being a child and being
Speaker 6: fascinated by church and being very fascinated by Christ, but
Speaker 6: it kind of was very adjacent to my experience. I'm
Speaker 6: an only child raised by a single parent, and I
Speaker 6: was alive kid, so it's like all of those layers
Speaker 6: kind of experience. In childhood, I was always curious about God.
Speaker 6: I always felt God, but I didn't have any systems
Speaker 6: or language around it or anyone to talk to about it.
Speaker 6: So my dance with the divine has always been about
Speaker 6: me seeking it out and then applying and growing in
Speaker 6: that kind of as my own personal relationship.
Speaker 4: At what point did you begin to seek it out?
Speaker 4: Was it during that time or was.
Speaker 6: It very young?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 6: I think I came into an awareness that I was
Speaker 6: a very highly intuitive child really young, and I think
Speaker 6: that was noticed by adults around me and also probably
Speaker 6: really disliked. You know. I was always very, very very
Speaker 6: aware of patterns of decisions and choices adults were making.
Speaker 6: I was always kind of observing and evaluating. My mom
Speaker 6: used to call me like, you're you were a deep feeler,
Speaker 6: you know, and I'm like to say it, I'm like
Speaker 6: to say it lightly.
Speaker 4: There's a lot.
Speaker 6: Going on in this thing, But yeah, I think I
Speaker 6: was always intuitive, So I was connected to the mystery
Speaker 6: of being here on earth and like to kind of
Speaker 6: those unseen energetics and forces that you feel. And then
Speaker 6: I just kind of I've always been since I was
Speaker 6: a kid. This this sounds like kind of ridiculous, Like
Speaker 6: I wasn't Doogie Houser or anything, but like I was
Speaker 6: always like I read it like a ninth grade level,
Speaker 6: like like I think in first grade or second grade
Speaker 6: or something like I had, like I know, I had
Speaker 6: like a terrible at math and science, but always really
Speaker 6: connected to like language and reading and history and fascinated
Speaker 6: by it forever. And so I would just kind of
Speaker 6: start there was no internet back in my day, but
Speaker 6: I would just kind of leaf through books. And I
Speaker 6: think growing up in LA and I had a very
Speaker 6: contrasting way that I grew up, Like I experienced like
Speaker 6: a lot of extremes in lifestyles and in cultures. I
Speaker 6: think I feel really grateful to have been born in
Speaker 6: la and raised in the way that I was, because
Speaker 6: it allowed me to see the way that other people
Speaker 6: were connecting to God so much, other cultures, other backgrounds
Speaker 6: of their households. It's like, you know, there were meditation studios,
Speaker 6: you know, if like you went to Santa Monica. There
Speaker 6: were yoga studios, there were so there were things that
Speaker 6: were always like seating my consciousness of like I don't
Speaker 6: quite know what that is, but damn I feel a
Speaker 6: pull to it. At some point I'll investigate, you know,
Speaker 6: and then it all started making sense.
Speaker 4: You kind of just started to pull the things.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because like do you I mean, I don't know
Speaker 3: if you identify as a Christian or a Catholic or
Speaker 3: you just kind of identify as what spiritualists just someone.
Speaker 6: Who I respect so much about religion. I'm very drawn,
Speaker 6: especially to like Catholicism. I believe that Christ is the
Speaker 6: most masterful teacher that has walked to the planet. But
Speaker 6: in no way would I say that I kind of
Speaker 6: adhere to any dogma or any like particular belief Like
Speaker 6: I believe in my relationship with the divine. I believe
Speaker 6: in goodness, I believe in integrity. I believe in trying
Speaker 6: to make doing what's right because it's right, and making
Speaker 6: aligned choices. But I wouldn't say that I believe in
Speaker 6: like that any one system of worship is better than
Speaker 6: any other. It's how do you know God? And are
Speaker 6: you sure that you're aligned with God or you aligned
Speaker 6: with the middle man connecting you to God. I think
Speaker 6: that's something really important to look at.
Speaker 3: The middle man, meaning like the one who's delivering the
Speaker 3: message or yeah, because you.
Speaker 6: Know, it's like we hear, we hear so many stories.
Speaker 6: You have your you know, you have your just mind
Speaker 6: blowing prophet, like one that I respect so deeply is
Speaker 6: TD Jakes, you know, his daughter Sarah Jakes, Like you
Speaker 6: have really anointed beautiful, powerful conduits of the divine, vessels
Speaker 6: of the divine. And then you also hear all the
Speaker 6: stories about you know, the cults and the predators in churches,
Speaker 6: and you know, again, it's like everything, whether we're talking
Speaker 6: about wellness, whether we're talking about religion, whether we're talking
Speaker 6: about the medical industry or the you know, I don't know,
Speaker 6: the motor industry. I don't know. There's always a spectrum
Speaker 6: of the way that you experience it. There is terrible, mediocre, good, excellent.
Speaker 6: So it's always like evaluating like is this the best,
Speaker 6: is this the most connected? Is this the most aligned?
Speaker 6: And like yeah, just really being present with yourself and
Speaker 6: holding whatever systems you put yourself in to a higher ideal.
Speaker 3: I think about like gurus, right, because people like you
Speaker 3: know they some people live and die by their their
Speaker 3: guru or their Did you ever in your journey, and
Speaker 3: obviously it's continuous, do you have did you have any
Speaker 3: moments in which, like you felt like maybe you were
Speaker 3: adhering to that middleman and that you had to kind
Speaker 3: of like break free and have sovereignty over like what
Speaker 3: your belief systems are, and if and if so, like
Speaker 3: what was that?
Speaker 4: What was that moment?
Speaker 6: Like a what an important question I would for my
Speaker 6: personal journey? I would say no. And I think that's
Speaker 6: because you know, the nature of being an only child,
Speaker 6: especially with a single parent, an ealatrike kid, you're hyper independent.
Speaker 6: So I've been hyper independent my whole life. Like one
Speaker 6: of the things that always comes up in my astrology
Speaker 6: chart is like you will never be able to get
Speaker 6: DEBI to do anything that she doesn't want to do,
Speaker 6: like my body just won't move. And I've always been
Speaker 6: like that since a child, So like for me, it's
Speaker 6: I think it's also been like I've never had any
Speaker 6: true mentors at any point in my life. It was
Speaker 6: always about, Okay, I need to figure this out. And
Speaker 6: so because of that, I developed. I think a lot
Speaker 6: of self trust really young, even if I was you know,
Speaker 6: I'm deeply flawed, and I one million percent have not
Speaker 6: always and still do not make the best choices all
Speaker 6: the time. But I've always known that, like I'm sovereign
Speaker 6: and I'm my own being and I'm taking myself where
Speaker 6: I need to go.
Speaker 2: Is that something you saw your mom like exemplify and
Speaker 2: so you adopted that or is this something that's like
Speaker 2: in you're solely in your DNA.
Speaker 6: I think definitely a little of both. You know. I
Speaker 6: think my mom is an incredibly strong woman and an
Speaker 6: incredibly creative woman, and I've always seen her be resilient
Speaker 6: beyond belief. So there's definitely, you know, this kind of
Speaker 6: life tolerance to endure, this ability to push through that
Speaker 6: I absolutely got from her. And I think part of
Speaker 6: my unique destiny is that I've always meant to be
Speaker 6: I've always do that even make sense, I've always been
Speaker 6: meant to be a little bit of an outlier, a
Speaker 6: little bit of an observer of things that are going on. Again,
Speaker 6: not above nor beneath, but just I've never been an
Speaker 6: organizational person. I'm not a big groups person. I can
Speaker 6: have fun in groups. I'm a super extrovert, which sometimes
Speaker 6: people are surprised to know. But yeah, I've always just
Speaker 6: felt really good about doing my own thing and trusting
Speaker 6: that whatever I feel called to do, I can do it.
Speaker 2: Has that been challenging for you, like a growing in
Speaker 2: your spirituality and in this space, but then like dating
Speaker 2: and like like intimidating for men, or like it's been
Speaker 2: you know, or because you are kind of an outlier,
Speaker 2: Like once you do find someone that you like click with,
Speaker 2: do you feel like you get like much closer to
Speaker 2: them much quicker? Like and how have you protected yourself
Speaker 2: in that way? You know, because you are an EmPATH
Speaker 2: and like you know, notoriously women are weaknesses those men
Speaker 2: and then become in a lot of different forms. And
Speaker 2: we've talked about this a lot this month about just
Speaker 2: like when you're in a special when I think we
Speaker 2: all have our own you know, life's purpose and like
Speaker 2: you know, leading in ways and changing shifting, shifting things
Speaker 2: in ways. But a lot of times we've there are
Speaker 2: there will be tests. You know, you'll be tested in
Speaker 2: order to like take on these roles and lead people,
Speaker 2: and like how have you dealt with those challenges in dating.
Speaker 4: Well, are you still still processing?
Speaker 6: You know, I'll say, in no way am I an
Speaker 6: expert in love. Love is still something that I am
Speaker 6: really actively learning about in so many ways. I got
Speaker 6: I was married for almost a decade and I got
Speaker 6: divorced I think maybe three years ago now three and
Speaker 6: a half years. And in the last three years, which
Speaker 6: I took like the first year was in the pandemic
Speaker 6: and I was like, I'm not dating these men that
Speaker 6: are feeling emotions for the first time. I Am not
Speaker 6: about to take this on and clean this up. I
Speaker 6: will focus on my child, I will focus on myself.
Speaker 6: But then kind of as I you know, pop out
Speaker 6: and emerge to date or you know, connect with people.
Speaker 6: Right now, I'm just in a place of curiosity with it,
Speaker 6: you know, like I'm someone that is not looking to
Speaker 6: be married. And something I had to really kind of
Speaker 6: look back and remember is that since childhood, I never
Speaker 6: actually wanted to get married. But I do believe in
Speaker 6: committed partnership, and I do believe in, you know, having
Speaker 6: I believe in the beauty of long term companionship. But
Speaker 6: I'm just exploring. I'm being curious and I'm trying to
Speaker 6: do it all from the lens of being a sovereign
Speaker 6: woman and also a woman that understands that people can't
Speaker 6: don't know how and won't show up perfectly, and so
Speaker 6: how can I relate to that? And how how can
Speaker 6: I keep the observation on me and my needs and
Speaker 6: what I'm choosing and not be so much projected on
Speaker 6: another person's behavior.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say.
Speaker 3: I mean, because you've done a lot of work and
Speaker 3: you are highly intuitive, I would say, And I feel
Speaker 3: this way as well too. I mean, I'm still on
Speaker 3: my journey too, and my intuition is when it comes
Speaker 3: to love, my intuition is fucked up okay, period, Like
Speaker 3: it's usually on spot on and then at some point
Speaker 3: I either sex confuses me or well, that's why I'm
Speaker 3: really going deeper with this relationship with my father, because
Speaker 3: there's there's a confusion that that's happening there for me,
Speaker 3: that's unresolved, that gets really messy and cloudy for me
Speaker 3: when as it pertains to like masculine energy.
Speaker 6: God, I mean, just to sit there for a second,
Speaker 6: that is so real for all of us in such
Speaker 6: a multitude of ways, Like even things that we say
Speaker 6: as like a joke, like one of my homies and
Speaker 6: I we always say, like Dolores Tucker was right this
Speaker 6: whole time.
Speaker 4: Who the fuck is Dolores Tucker?
Speaker 6: Do you remember, like when when rap was really taking
Speaker 6: over in nw A, she was, I believe a congresswoman
Speaker 6: or an assembly woman and she was trying to get
Speaker 6: censorship and banning on the music. But the misogyny always
Speaker 6: has the best beats, Like she was like fire, you know,
Speaker 6: so everybody was fighting against it. But let's really think
Speaker 6: about the effects of growing up as young women and
Speaker 6: hearing some of the music that we heard, and that
Speaker 6: shaping our understanding of sex, shaping especially if as many
Speaker 6: many people, it's very rare experience to come from a
Speaker 6: fully quote unquote healthy home. You know, we're picking up
Speaker 6: ways of being from everything around us. So it's like
Speaker 6: it's plowing through the individual curriculum you have with your
Speaker 6: father and what you both decided you'd work through together
Speaker 6: this lifetime and every man we dated up until this
Speaker 6: point of our lives and everything that influenced us, the shows,
Speaker 6: the you know, the music, the conversations that were happening
Speaker 6: around us, Like we absorbed all of it and took
Speaker 6: it on as collective, the collective, and we took it
Speaker 6: on as belief about ourself, about our worth. And so
Speaker 6: it's like we and that's why we have to take
Speaker 6: shame out of everything and the way that we work
Speaker 6: with things that we have to bring gentleness for ourselves
Speaker 6: and acceptance because there's so much that we didn't even
Speaker 6: give consent for that shaped our reality. You know, it's
Speaker 6: like this very slow, so slow on learning and dismantling
Speaker 6: and then like pulling in our own truth that we
Speaker 6: come to.
Speaker 3: Before we started recording, you touched on a term that
Speaker 3: I've heard before, but I don't. I'd like to hear
Speaker 3: what your definition of it is, and it's sacred rage.
Speaker 3: Because rage is something that I have been battling with
Speaker 3: for the last i'd say six months, and there's been
Speaker 3: parts of my rage that have come up where I'm like, WHOA,
Speaker 3: I didn't know I could like get that mad, or
Speaker 3: I didn't know I could get this angry, or I
Speaker 3: could feel like, I don't know if this is sacred,
Speaker 3: this might just be toxic rage, or I literally like
Speaker 3: I don't really give a fuck about how it affects
Speaker 3: anyone else. I'm upset and everyone is going to feel
Speaker 3: this rage like that's and like overtaking me and not
Speaker 3: like I think because I've tried to bottle it up
Speaker 3: so much, Yeah, and not speak it, thinking like Okay,
Speaker 3: I'm dripping, I'm gonna let it go, and it's like
Speaker 3: that you did not let it go, and now it's
Speaker 3: just you know, so I'm just curious, like what is
Speaker 3: your what is sacred rage? Can you explain that to Tess? God?
Speaker 6: Yeah, Oh, I mean, just how many of us relate
Speaker 6: to what you're saying? You know, it's like and again
Speaker 6: it's like part of those containers that were forced into
Speaker 6: as women especially you know in this country, wherever you're from,
Speaker 6: of the way you're meant to respond to pain, the
Speaker 6: way that you're meant to you know that you should
Speaker 6: be responding to things that hurt. Sacred rage in the
Speaker 6: way that I experience it, it's a little bit more intentional
Speaker 6: than just rage, like what I was hearing in some
Speaker 6: of what you described of like, you know, it's like
Speaker 6: and I don't care what happens. And that's when we
Speaker 6: get to the point that's a little bit outside of
Speaker 6: and above that it's no longer sacred. Yeah, No, longer sacred,
Speaker 6: no longer safe, and so we have to kind of
Speaker 6: that calm and hopefully come to a place of neutrality
Speaker 6: to work with it. But sacred rage is when you
Speaker 6: come into a space of saying that, like you deserve
Speaker 6: to be pissed, Like you have a right to be pissed,
Speaker 6: You have a right to feel your feelings. How often
Speaker 6: do we get pushed into these roles of something is
Speaker 6: done to you and then you also have to find
Speaker 6: the solution for it, a you have an experience with someone,
Speaker 6: and then you're also in charge bringing everyone into peace.
Speaker 6: You know, it's like, yes, like so many of us,
Speaker 6: we are taught to bypass, instantaneously take ownership of and
Speaker 6: then be the parent of the situation, whatever that situation is.
Speaker 6: And you know a lot of that definitely starts in childhood,
Speaker 6: having suppressed emotions, you know, not being able to feel,
Speaker 6: not being able to have what as a child your
Speaker 6: body is designed to do, which is have a tantrum.
Speaker 6: You know, It's like as soon as even parents try.
Speaker 4: To cut off the flo of a.
Speaker 6: Tantrum if it's not hurting anyone, you're teaching your child
Speaker 6: to suppress, and then they're building a muscle memory for that,
Speaker 6: and we don't see how much it affects us going
Speaker 6: into adulthood. But when you just kind of metabolize the
Speaker 6: process of suppression. You may have been doing it because
Speaker 6: you didn't get your binkie, but then your body learns it,
Speaker 6: and so now you do it every time you get hurt.
Speaker 6: Now you do it when you may be violated and
Speaker 6: not know why, you just naturally quiet and suppress yourself.
Speaker 6: But it's that kind of muscle memory in our emotional
Speaker 6: world that we learn really really young. And I think
Speaker 6: as parents, that's why it's so important to cultivate as
Speaker 6: best we can a lot of tools and a lot
Speaker 6: of patience, because we're only now beginning to understand the
Speaker 6: effect that us just wanting our kids to be quiet
Speaker 6: actually has on them. And it's like, isn't necessary And
Speaker 6: now I forgot your original question.
Speaker 4: Oh okay.
Speaker 6: So the way that I look at sacred rage is like, sometimes,
Speaker 6: especially in the last couple of years, when I was
Speaker 6: really really moving through so much of my personal work,
Speaker 6: like just deeply moving through my deepest wounds, it was
Speaker 6: setting a calendar alert to cry and setting a calendar
Speaker 6: alert to be pissed. And I'd be like, all right,
Speaker 6: can't get this out of me just yet. Okay, gotta okay,
Speaker 6: gotta do this with my kid, doing this for work.
Speaker 6: In two weeks, I'm gonna break a bunch of shit,
Speaker 6: you know, like I'm gonna break some shit in two weeks.
Speaker 6: And then honoring that and letting myself you know, I
Speaker 6: think it can be really divine when you create a
Speaker 6: container where you can bring forward your pain and your
Speaker 6: anger when it's not triggered, because then you're able to
Speaker 6: be with it in a different way. You're able to
Speaker 6: be with it in a way that feel a lot
Speaker 6: more empowered and not reactive. And it's like, okay, what
Speaker 6: really hurts, Well, I know this happened to me and
Speaker 6: that has fed everything else. So let me sit with that.
Speaker 6: And then when you feel rage, come up being pissed, screaming,
Speaker 6: scream into pillows, make yourself cringe. You know, it's like,
Speaker 6: don't be above the mess of the process. Throw things
Speaker 6: as long as you're not going to harm another person
Speaker 6: or yourself. Go to you know, they have ragery some
Speaker 6: places now, Like you know, get a hammer and break
Speaker 6: some stuff, rip some stuff apart, you know, beat some stuff,
Speaker 6: not a person, not yourself, you know, but as soon
Speaker 6: as you give yourself license to do that. Sometimes all
Speaker 6: our body ever wanted to do was to feel it
Speaker 6: in the first place. So we can actually heal certain
Speaker 6: things that we didn't think we could with a lot
Speaker 6: more ease than we ever imagined, as long as we
Speaker 6: just commit to let ourselves go there, and especially letting
Speaker 6: ourselves go there when we haven't been triggered into it
Speaker 6: by yet another thing that we're upset about. So, you know,
Speaker 6: when you get to a certain place where it feels
Speaker 6: safe to do this with your journal, write down what
Speaker 6: is your core curriculum, What are the patterns at play
Speaker 6: that you have been dealing with with different people and
Speaker 6: at different times, over and over and over again. You know,
Speaker 6: what was the original wound for that? And then sit
Speaker 6: with it and look at it and take the year
Speaker 6: to process it. You know, it's not something you have
Speaker 6: to fix your anger by this weekend. Take a year,
Speaker 6: take four seasons. You know, how are you going to
Speaker 6: relate to this anger as you get to go deeper,
Speaker 6: after you've already healed a layer of it, make time
Speaker 6: to cry, you know, like it's released. There is nothing
Speaker 6: weak about it. Our bodies long to release stored energy.
Speaker 6: You can't do both. You can't try to intellectualize the world,
Speaker 6: work and read the books and just build knowledge and
Speaker 6: say yep, and that happened to me, and now I
Speaker 6: know where that is. You have to bring it into
Speaker 6: a somatic element. You have to bring it into your
Speaker 6: body and release it from your body. They have to
Speaker 6: happen together for lasting change to occur in yourself and
Speaker 6: in your life.
Speaker 2: That somatic healing is real as fun. People bypass that
Speaker 2: and like think like they can intellectualize stuff. I like
Speaker 2: what you said so much about I noticed that with
Speaker 2: my kid. It's like we train kids to be quiet
Speaker 2: and not take up space and not embarrassed as in public,
Speaker 2: but it's like we're domesticating them in a way that
Speaker 2: does make like calcify their emotions. And it brought it
Speaker 2: made me come into adulthood where I was just like
Speaker 2: non reactive, Like I could literally feel myself making myself
Speaker 2: go numb because I felt feelings that were overwhelming. I
Speaker 2: didn't want to feel it. And that's a lot of
Speaker 2: like my adulthood. I started to feel like I fucking
Speaker 2: hate feeling and I started to be like why do
Speaker 2: I hate feeling so much? And what happens is like
Speaker 2: when you suppress that, when you've suppressed the rage, which
Speaker 2: is healthy, because let's be honest, there are things that
Speaker 2: come up, you know, as women, as you know, like
Speaker 2: in this fucked up world that will should make you enraged.
Speaker 2: And if you continue to like just downplay that and
Speaker 2: downplay that, you will feel nothing. You'll be numb and
Speaker 2: you won't be human. Humans are supposed to feel. And
Speaker 2: I've also realized recently it's just like when you suppress
Speaker 2: the rage, you suppress the sadness, you have no choice
Speaker 2: but to also suppress the joy when you start to
Speaker 2: overly regulate your feelings. Your body is trained to not
Speaker 2: overly feel. And I was literally telling myself this, like
Speaker 2: I'm not about to like cry like that not that
Speaker 2: stops it. Like there are feelings that I just actively
Speaker 2: was just pushing down because I didn't want to. I
Speaker 2: don't want anyone else to see me feel and I
Speaker 2: didn't want to feel it because it felt triggering because
Speaker 2: I'm only reacting when someone and something's you know, making
Speaker 2: me react. But then when there was times where I'm
Speaker 2: feeling immense joy and happiness and safety. I felt like
Speaker 2: I could not express it and I could not I
Speaker 2: could not embody it because and I didn't know why.
Speaker 2: I'm like, I actually really am happy, but I'm just
Speaker 2: like I felt like I was doing too much because
Speaker 2: I've already felt I've already trained myself so much and
Speaker 2: doing too much emotionally, Like you know, when you're a kid,
Speaker 2: like you're you're schripping, You're not starving, you're you know,
Speaker 2: like save those sears for something that really makes you cry,
Speaker 2: and so you start to like you stopped to you stop,
Speaker 2: you start stopping, this makes sense, You stop embodying any
Speaker 2: extreme feeling, and then you're in your and you can't
Speaker 2: really you can't. You can't choose. You can't choose what
Speaker 2: which feelings that you're numbing out because you've kind of
Speaker 2: just numbed out everything there is your your your nervous
Speaker 2: system cannot regulate which emotions are which it just knows
Speaker 2: that actually, at a certain point, you shut the fuck down,
Speaker 2: you freeze, and that's it. And so it's taken me
Speaker 2: a lot to kind of undo that and really realize
Speaker 2: like it requires the voice to speak every like I'm
Speaker 2: pissed off. It required even, it requires that even to
Speaker 2: feel compassion for other people, because by doing that, you're
Speaker 2: not being compassionate with yourself, You're not being soft with yourself,
Speaker 2: and so it becomes hard to care about anybody else's feelings.
Speaker 2: And so when I'm hearing you talk about the compassion
Speaker 2: and like just being self aware, it's so true that
Speaker 2: I keep saying this, like I'm the compassion first has
Speaker 2: to begin with you, or she won't even be able
Speaker 2: to identify when you're not being compassionate to somebody else
Speaker 2: because you're fucking numb. And I've done it, you know,
Speaker 2: like a lot. And it's and I'm happy you said.
Speaker 2: The childhood thing is because when you grow up in
Speaker 2: those you know, most of us have because most parents
Speaker 2: are taught to keep your kids in line, that you
Speaker 2: don't really have the tools in adulthood to to feel
Speaker 2: or to speak, or to rage or to like have
Speaker 2: extreme joy. And he almost feels guilty, you know, like
Speaker 2: this this feels too good to be true or too safe,
Speaker 2: and it's difficult, you know, and I think more people
Speaker 2: have to hear that. It's like you really you have
Speaker 2: to move that energy in your body like you have to,
Speaker 2: you know, and like that's even sexually, it's even physical pleasure.
Speaker 6: Yes, you know, that was just so powerfully said, so
Speaker 6: so powerfully said. And like the piece about numbness, I
Speaker 6: think so many women confuse being numb with being the
Speaker 6: bigger person, being numb with being stoic.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 6: It's like we can be like, oh, I'm above that,
Speaker 6: you're strong.
Speaker 2: Or like there's this toxic positivity syndrome where it's like
Speaker 2: I'm not going to feed into that, like I'm just
Speaker 2: so positive. It's like no, but you're not positive. You're
Speaker 2: just not feeling shit. You're just numb the fuck out.
Speaker 6: You know.
Speaker 2: You're like I'm happy, I'm good, everything's good. No, I'm fine,
Speaker 2: I'm fine.
Speaker 4: I'm sure.
Speaker 2: No, I'm sure, I'm fine.
Speaker 6: You know.
Speaker 2: I'm like, as women, we do that a lot, a
Speaker 2: lot is put on our plate. But it's like, when
Speaker 2: you're not fine, you have to say you're not fine
Speaker 2: or else you'll start to believe that you're fine and
Speaker 2: then you won't even know when you're not. And I've
Speaker 2: done that, I've just been dead and like I'm fine,
Speaker 2: Like no, bitch, you're not. But you don't even you
Speaker 2: can't even recognize that you're not fine because you can't
Speaker 2: feel shit, you know, because you're so used to saying
Speaker 2: everything's the fuck okay, And so someone disrespecting you or
Speaker 2: someone hurting you literally feels like nothing because you've strained
Speaker 2: yourself to not feel shit to protect and a lot
Speaker 2: of times it's a defense mechanism. But we have to
Speaker 2: find our place ourselves in safe places to disarm ourselves
Speaker 2: and regulate our nervous systems so that we're not we're
Speaker 2: not like react, we're not at like acting from a
Speaker 2: place of nothingness. You know. It's crazy, yeah, God, And.
Speaker 6: We have to do doing the work of the sacred rage.
Speaker 6: Doing the work of feeling makes space for the joy too,
Speaker 6: because life is one hundred percent always going to be
Speaker 6: teetering between grief and joy one hundred percent of the time.
Speaker 6: You don't do all this work and then arrive at
Speaker 6: your perfect life. Life changes, life transforms. But we're never
Speaker 6: gonna not be disappointed by something. We're never gonna not
Speaker 6: be kind of poked and prodded or some out you know,
Speaker 6: potentially injured by things that happen in the world, even
Speaker 6: if it's just observationally. So it's like making peace with
Speaker 6: the fact that, yes, this world is imperfect, but I'm
Speaker 6: gonna let myself feel joy when it's present instead of
Speaker 6: being scared of it. I'm gonna build my tolerance to
Speaker 6: it instead of being scared. They're like, no, no, no,
Speaker 6: I don't want to let myself get happy or excited
Speaker 6: because then it's gonna go wrong or the other shoe
Speaker 6: is gonna drop. Right, yeesh, it is gonna go wrong.
Speaker 6: Let's be real, like, yes it is.
Speaker 2: But anticipating that you're not gonna.
Speaker 6: Feel the joy while it's there because be sure you're
Speaker 6: gonna feel pain again, So feel the joy too, because
Speaker 6: that's what allows our life to be quote unquote balanced.
Speaker 6: That's where the harmony comes from. Don't don't commit to
Speaker 6: living in one extreme and not gift yourself the opportunity
Speaker 6: to feel the other moved through your body.
Speaker 2: Honestly that that's It's some powerful shit. And I'm sad
Speaker 2: it's taking me thirty five years to fucking realize, Like, bitch,
Speaker 2: you can't numb yourself out.
Speaker 6: But I'm just saying thirty five years is nothing.
Speaker 1: I know.
Speaker 2: I've been telling myself that lately. I'm like, sometimes I
Speaker 2: fuck up that I'm like, you know, I haven't looked
Speaker 2: back at this shit fifty years at fifty and be like, bitch,
Speaker 2: you were twelve.
Speaker 6: Every ancestor went to their grave without these awarenesses or
Speaker 6: the opportunity.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 2: So how or like we're just in time, like even
Speaker 2: more in time than we'd ever think of.
Speaker 3: And I'm thinking about sacred rage and how we actually
Speaker 3: do this.
Speaker 2: It retreats, you.
Speaker 3: Know, like I didn't have a term for it, but
Speaker 3: we have a practice that we do with our group
Speaker 3: where we act like they actively women need permission to
Speaker 3: do it, Like I actually have to show them that
Speaker 3: it's okay for you to scream, like you can scream
Speaker 3: no otherwise. Yeah, And it's so crazy the things that
Speaker 3: come up. And then at the end of it, all
Speaker 3: the space in your body that you have because you
Speaker 3: haven't given yourself this space And it's so crazy. Randomly,
Speaker 3: a random moment I had the other night, I was
Speaker 3: masturbating and and I had this like release and it
Speaker 3: was like this I could feel energy passing through my
Speaker 3: body and my at the my fingertips were numb, and
Speaker 3: my feet and I just I had to do this
Speaker 3: for like five minutes. I've never had anything like happen
Speaker 3: like that. And I use masturbation as ritual too, like
Speaker 3: I use it for manifesting, I use it for pissed off,
Speaker 3: balance control, I use it whenever, morny, whatever, all the
Speaker 3: different things. But this one in particular, the reason I
Speaker 3: was using it was because I was on edge and
Speaker 3: I was like, I have got to get out of
Speaker 3: my body and out of my head, into my actually,
Speaker 3: I have to get into my body and out of
Speaker 3: my head. And when I did, I had this like
Speaker 3: it was I felt like literal energy coming out, and
Speaker 3: it was like I needed to like shake it, shake it,
Speaker 3: shake it.
Speaker 4: It was something I never experienced before.
Speaker 3: And when I was when it was finally out of me,
Speaker 3: it was like, oh something left me. Yeah, something, I
Speaker 3: made space for something, and.
Speaker 6: Oh my okay. First of all epic. Secondly, like that's
Speaker 6: the part that I hope everyone takes away. The work
Speaker 6: is not as arduous and as grueling and as hard
Speaker 6: as we think it is when we're avoiding it, because
Speaker 6: sometimes it really is as simple as let yourself feel
Speaker 6: all of it. Once.
Speaker 4: It's great.
Speaker 6: Once it might only take an hour and then it's gone.
Speaker 6: And a lot of the times it's gone for good,
Speaker 6: like it clicks out, and then if you do revisit
Speaker 6: whatever it is, you can revisit it in a neutrality.
Speaker 6: When you're in neutrality, it lets you be curious. When
Speaker 6: you're curious, you create new patterns within yourself that lead
Speaker 6: to lasting change.
Speaker 2: You know. And I really I'm happy that you said that,
Speaker 2: Like I realize we've spent a lot of time together,
Speaker 2: and we have. We've spent all of our thirties together,
Speaker 2: and I'm not saying that I'm twenty seven. All of
Speaker 2: our twenties together and deeply, deeply intertwined, deeply aligned, deeply
Speaker 2: as mirrors to each other. And I've really seen and
Speaker 2: more than that, felt a lot of the changes and
Speaker 2: shifts that you've made, especially this year, and we have
Speaker 2: both for each other, witnessed a lot of transformations and
Speaker 2: a lot of evolutions, and we've really assisted in that,
Speaker 2: even if we haven't realized it, the evolving of like
Speaker 2: the women that we are today. And I just today
Speaker 2: is your birthday, and I just want to remind you
Speaker 2: of like the woman that you've become in the last
Speaker 2: you know, six years, five years that I've witnessed you
Speaker 2: grow into and like watch you embrace these ebbs and
Speaker 2: flows and even when shit has been difficult, and you know,
Speaker 2: I've seen the grace that you've you know, you've given
Speaker 2: others in yourself, and just the to bear witness to
Speaker 2: the blossoming and the cocoon and the uncocooning of the
Speaker 2: woman that you are has been really, really, really beautiful.
Speaker 2: And I'm proud of you. And I know this has
Speaker 2: been a tough year for you, and I know it's
Speaker 2: been an extremely successful year for you too, And I
Speaker 2: know it's been a lot of ups and downs, and
Speaker 2: I think that's difficult as women. We're experiencing really grand
Speaker 2: things alongside things that are like disheartening and sad, and
Speaker 2: I know it's a weird place to be sometimes. But
Speaker 2: it is your birthday, so I got you a little surprise,
Speaker 2: and I just want to tell you that I love
Speaker 2: you so much. I love you too, and I'm very
Speaker 2: proud of you and the woman that you've become and
Speaker 2: that I've gotten to witness and you witnessing yourself do
Speaker 2: the work and just being self aware and saying, you
Speaker 2: know what, I'm going to let this go and I'm
Speaker 2: going to pick this up and I'm going to do
Speaker 2: this work and just you know, allowing yourself to do
Speaker 2: that has been very beautiful. So you just wait here.
Speaker 2: I'll be right back. Thank you.
Speaker 4: Happy birthday. I love you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 6: Yeah, you've had such an amazing year.
Speaker 7: Wow birthday too you.
Speaker 2: Happy birthday to you.
Speaker 3: Happy birthday, dear Erica Dee, birthday.
Speaker 7: To hm hmmm that was the white version, but happy
Speaker 7: birthday to yeah, h birthday to yeah, Happy birthday, thank you.
Speaker 4: Mm hmmm, A love I love you, thank you.
Speaker 2: I wonder what the like the ritualistic candle means no one?
Speaker 2: I wonder, like, why do we blow out candles on
Speaker 2: the cake?
Speaker 6: I know it's interesting because actually in ritual they say,
Speaker 6: you know, not to ever put out fire with your breath.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they say that like put it with your Yeah.
Speaker 4: Wow, fucked up?
Speaker 2: Oh my god. I wonder.
Speaker 6: I wonder if you know what I I just found
Speaker 6: out recently from one of my my amazing teachers in
Speaker 6: Vedic philosophy and astrology. He was sharing that there are
Speaker 6: Vedic mantras that you use before prayer that are specifically
Speaker 6: prayers about how you're gonna get it wrong. So it's
Speaker 6: like if I mispronounce any words. If I do any
Speaker 6: part of this ritual incorrectly, please forgive me in advance
Speaker 6: and take my intention so that it's done correctly, and
Speaker 6: so like, Yeah, so are you fine?
Speaker 4: Okay? Cool, commented with all all the best intentions. So
Speaker 4: thank you, You're welcome.
Speaker 2: I love. I'm very happy to spend this birthday with
Speaker 2: you for another year.
Speaker 4: Thank you, Debbie. Do you have an affirmation for us? Maybe?
Speaker 4: Or for me?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 4: For me, have a birthday affirmation.
Speaker 6: I'm really excited to share this affirmation with you because
Speaker 6: it has created miraculous energy in my life. It's like
Speaker 6: shifted so much. And I say it especially anytime I'm
Speaker 6: in a crowded space or I need help or really
Speaker 6: to start my day. But I created this affirmation a
Speaker 6: couple of years ago, and it is I accept no
Speaker 6: start over. I attract experience and receive the highest version
Speaker 6: of every being whom I encounter.
Speaker 3: I attract experience and receive the highest version of every
Speaker 3: being encounter.
Speaker 6: Yeah. The way that that's worked in my life is,
Speaker 6: you know, when you do the work right. We still
Speaker 6: live in a world of everyone else who may not
Speaker 6: have or people at different places in their process and
Speaker 6: I found that one that affirmation extends a lot of
Speaker 6: great from my heart outwardly for people in their process,
Speaker 6: but it also has miraculously kind of transform my experiences
Speaker 6: that I don't know who the person may be to
Speaker 6: anybody else or who they are the rest of their day,
Speaker 6: but when they're in front of me, I'm always experiencing
Speaker 6: the best of who that person can be. And I've
Speaker 6: used that at airports, like literally where there's two hundred
Speaker 6: people stranded standing outside and I'm.
Speaker 3: Like, man, curse everyone else out.
Speaker 4: Or when she got to you, she was kind.
Speaker 6: Literally like, you know what, come on, I'm gonna take
Speaker 6: you the secret way lest go. So like I started
Speaker 6: having all those kind of experiences. So it's worked beautifully
Speaker 6: in my life. I think it helps us really open
Speaker 6: our hearts to the belief that there can be good
Speaker 6: outcomes even in the most stressful environments.
Speaker 2: I commend that because as you know, as we do
Speaker 2: the work, and it becomes much more challenging to experience
Speaker 2: people who who haven't or are not aware or you know,
Speaker 2: it's just it becomes more challenging, and then you're like,
Speaker 2: what the fuck God, And then you can go into
Speaker 2: that realm where you're like, I'm above all the shit,
Speaker 2: including all you know, it's easy to go into ego
Speaker 2: when you experience people, yes, to separate yourself, but the
Speaker 2: truth is we're all human, and we're all like mirrors
Speaker 2: to each other, and we're all different versions of ourselves
Speaker 2: at different times, and like it gives you, you know,
Speaker 2: they have compassion for people who are just like ignorant
Speaker 2: and they're bliss and their ignorance, and you know, sometimes
Speaker 2: that's for the safety of everyone, but also just preparing
Speaker 2: yourself to know and give compassion for experiencing people who
Speaker 2: are not the same place that you are, and then
Speaker 2: feeling okay with having that discriminative awareness to allow those
Speaker 2: people to flow out and know that that's energy that
Speaker 2: you cannot hold on to and that you cannot keep,
Speaker 2: and that your purpose is so much bigger in this
Speaker 2: life or your purpose is this, and that purpose and
Speaker 2: that lesson is that and in order for you to
Speaker 2: fulfill your purpose, you have to release those people. And
Speaker 2: not in a negative where I'm higher or better than
Speaker 2: you weigh, but just for me to do what I
Speaker 2: need to do, I got to exit left hell.
Speaker 3: Yes, well, before we get out of here because they
Speaker 3: gotta go. You pulled the nine swords, So I don't
Speaker 3: do you do you want to speak to this how
Speaker 3: this translates to you?
Speaker 4: Or I can? I can just read it? Okay?
Speaker 6: All right, Well let's not I don't. I don't know
Speaker 6: if this was a card for me personally or if
Speaker 6: it's for the collective. Okay, could so either I don't
Speaker 6: know whether I'll accept and receive this or not.
Speaker 4: You don't have to, okay.
Speaker 3: So reversed inner turmoil, deep seated fears, secrets, releasing worry.
Speaker 3: So the Nine of Swords reverse shows that you are
Speaker 3: experiencing deep inner turmoil as a result of your mindset.
Speaker 3: Your negative thoughts are taking you in a downward spiral
Speaker 3: of despair and anxiety that contradicts reality. You are making
Speaker 3: things feel much worse than they really are. You may
Speaker 3: try to keep your worries private and personal to you,
Speaker 3: but if you are struggling to keep your head above water,
Speaker 3: it may now be time to confide in others and
Speaker 3: see their help and support. Others will offer you a
Speaker 3: new perspective or even just a place to vent that
Speaker 3: will ease some of the stress and tension. The reverse
Speaker 3: nine of Swords can also point out that you are
Speaker 3: incredibly hard on yourself, putting yourself down, or engaging in
Speaker 3: negative self talk. So when the Nine of Swords reversed
Speaker 3: appears in a reading, ask yourself, why are you so
Speaker 3: hard on yourself? How are you putting yourself down? And
Speaker 3: what is the source of your depression? What can you
Speaker 3: do to make yourself feel better? On a more positive note,
Speaker 3: the Nine of Swords reverse can show that you have
Speaker 3: already worked through this period of worry and depression and
Speaker 3: are making a recovery. You may have come to a
Speaker 3: realization that things are not as bad as you made
Speaker 3: them out to be, and you are beginning to relax
Speaker 3: and calm yourself about what was once a terrifying situation.
Speaker 6: That doesn't feel resonant for me, I think if I
Speaker 6: think of turmoil. Something I shared with you before we
Speaker 6: walked in here is my travel schedule for work is nuts.
Speaker 6: And so definitely today I was in a lot of
Speaker 6: stress of like, wow, you're going to be gone most
Speaker 6: of Novema, okay, and then how do we do this?
Speaker 6: And just kind of thinking about the process of being
Speaker 6: a mom and doing that much. But yeah, I feel
Speaker 6: really in my life and in my process, I feel
Speaker 6: clearer than I've ever felt, and I feel more an
Speaker 6: acceptance of in grace with and in flow with my
Speaker 6: life than I think i've ever been beautiful.
Speaker 3: Well, maybe this card if it's not for you, but
Speaker 3: maybe if maybe it could be about my travel is
Speaker 3: that it's not going to be as bad as Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's gonna be good.
Speaker 4: It's going to be easeful.
Speaker 3: Baby boy is going to be taken care of just fine,
Speaker 3: and you're going to go through have amazing encounters with
Speaker 3: people and experiences in your travels that are going to
Speaker 3: be really necessary to keep you in flow of what
Speaker 3: you're doing. Always, So thank you well, Debbie, it's always
Speaker 3: wonderful to have you on. If you guys haven't listened
Speaker 3: to Debbie's episode, we have an episode we did I
Speaker 3: think like almost.
Speaker 4: Two years ago. It was called Healing Your Inner.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we have one almost years ago with Debbie and
Speaker 2: then we're on her show last week. Yes, go check
Speaker 2: us out over there. Debbie's always dropping the spiritual gems.
Speaker 2: I love you. I'm always grateful to see you and
Speaker 2: get to converse, so I appreciate you very much.
Speaker 4: So where can our people find you.
Speaker 6: Thank you both so much. It is always like just
Speaker 6: such a privilege and truly such a joy to be
Speaker 6: in community with both of you, and just like be
Speaker 6: in this flow of our unique journey as women and
Speaker 6: as enlightened beings and as moms. You know, just like
Speaker 6: everything we spoke to on the show today was just
Speaker 6: so deep, and it's just I'm so glad we dove into,
Speaker 6: like all the nuance of what it is to do
Speaker 6: the work and where you find the pains and how
Speaker 6: you let it go. Everyone can, I always say, just
Speaker 6: connect with me on Instagram and click the link in bio.
Speaker 6: It'll link you to my website. I'm the voice of
Speaker 6: daily meditation on the choper apps. You can meditate with
Speaker 6: me three sixty five days a year. I have a
Speaker 6: few hundred meditations I've done on there, and my podcast
Speaker 6: is called Deeply Well. It's all about conversations in higher
Speaker 6: consciousness and self care. And I have a book, Crystal Bliss.
Speaker 6: I have a couple announcements coming in the coming weeks.
Speaker 6: But yeah, at Debbie Brown on my ig and click
Speaker 6: the link in the bio.
Speaker 3: Make sure you check out Debbie, And if you haven't already,
Speaker 3: please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts.
Speaker 4: Subscribe to our YouTube channel. If you're watching right now,
Speaker 4: just click that subscribe button and Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween,
Speaker 4: be safe.
Speaker 3: Put up your ancestor altars and send us your costumes.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, we love costumes through the Halloween Queens.
Speaker 4: Bye bye.
Speaker 2: Like this is gonnay Ellen j Solo baa record the
Speaker 2: Las Lashm