WEBVTT - Checking In w/ Living vs. Existing 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.000 Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of 0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:20.079 iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Listen if you think you 0:00:20.160 --> 0:00:27.319 just need, you know, a little wisdom, some encouragement, this 0:00:27.400 --> 0:00:30.280 is the episode for you to listen to. We're gonna 0:00:30.320 --> 0:00:34.559 talk about all things trust, the difference between living and 0:00:35.000 --> 0:00:39.800 just existing. I just felt the need to encourage some 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:42.520 of the listeners out there. Y'all have been rocking with 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:46.240 me now for three years, and I said every episode, 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:50.600 I don't take your listening, and you're downloading the episodes 0:00:50.640 --> 0:00:54.240 for granted add at all. Maybe tug on a friend 0:00:54.320 --> 0:00:59.840 and tell them, hey, this episode is for you. All right, y'all, 0:01:00.160 --> 0:01:03.200 we are really in the month of May. It really 0:01:03.360 --> 0:01:07.679 is the fifth month of twenty twenty three, y'all. This 0:01:07.800 --> 0:01:11.280 month is moving, This year is moving, and I hope 0:01:11.280 --> 0:01:15.040 you're moving with it. I began to think about the 0:01:15.040 --> 0:01:22.240 difference between living and existing and just trying to gauge 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:25.520 the areas that I've just been existing in and areas 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:30.600 that I think I'm thriving in, thriving and living because 0:01:30.640 --> 0:01:34.800 life is going to always present a set of challenges, 0:01:35.760 --> 0:01:40.040 and my desire is for divine strategy and divine wisdom 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:45.319 on how to navigate the obstacles and challenges that come 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:49.920 my way, not only divine wisdom and strategies on how 0:01:49.960 --> 0:01:57.120 to overcome those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord place 0:01:57.240 --> 0:02:02.840 divine help around me. But that is going to require trust, 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:08.640 which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh, 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:12.720 I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:16.720 because of my lack of trust. And I've got to 0:02:16.760 --> 0:02:19.359 get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity 0:02:20.280 --> 0:02:22.960 not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to 0:02:23.000 --> 0:02:25.519 work for me and think they have to perform for 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:29.079 my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let 0:02:29.080 --> 0:02:30.760 me do this to make sure that she no, no, no, 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:33.399 no no. I want you to be you. And I've 0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:38.000 been reading this book. It's a brand new book by 0:02:38.120 --> 0:02:42.400 doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry 0:02:42.400 --> 0:02:46.200 Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:50.160 and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries. 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:54.400 He's got boundaries and dating boundary, I mean just so many. 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:58.560 He's the bomb, amazing great psychologists, but he talks to 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:01.679 you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana. So he's 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:05.639 got a definite down to earth approach. And the subtitle 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:07.880 of his book Trust is called knowing when to give it, 0:03:08.080 --> 0:03:10.400 when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:13.280 to fix it when it gets broken. So I'm going 0:03:13.360 --> 0:03:16.200 to dive into some of those excerpts later. But I 0:03:16.240 --> 0:03:19.919 was trying to just figure out areas that I'm thriving 0:03:20.040 --> 0:03:25.000 in and then areas where, man, have I just gotten 0:03:25.000 --> 0:03:27.880 so numb in certain areas, And so I just felt 0:03:27.919 --> 0:03:31.320 led to encourage some folks out there who are kind 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:33.880 of walking through life a little numb, because that's how 0:03:33.919 --> 0:03:36.640 you've chosen to protect yourself. You know, like when you 0:03:36.680 --> 0:03:39.160 go to the doctor and they have to give you 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:41.320 a shot, or you're getting some dental work done and 0:03:41.320 --> 0:03:43.720 you gotta get a shot so they'll numb the area, 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:46.560 and it's kind of like for your protection, so that 0:03:46.640 --> 0:03:50.440 you don't feel the pain. I will never forget a 0:03:50.480 --> 0:03:52.800 couple of years ago, I had a dream that I 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:56.520 was being rolled into a surgical room and I was 0:03:56.560 --> 0:04:01.920 getting surgery or they were gonna cut a leg or something, 0:04:01.960 --> 0:04:06.880 but they did not want to give me anesthesia, and 0:04:07.320 --> 0:04:09.880 I remember I kept screaming I don't want to feel 0:04:09.880 --> 0:04:11.520 the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. I 0:04:11.520 --> 0:04:14.920 don't want to feel the pain. Like bro, give me medicine, 0:04:14.960 --> 0:04:19.719 give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes, numbing the 0:04:19.880 --> 0:04:23.680 area that's painful before you put a needle lined or 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:27.840 do surgery or whatever. Yeah, that's good. It is a 0:04:27.880 --> 0:04:32.279 form of protection so that we're not terrorized by pain later, 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:34.760 so that we're not terrorized to go to the doctor, 0:04:35.400 --> 0:04:38.040 you know, for surgery or to get you know, a 0:04:38.080 --> 0:04:40.880 shot or medicine, and you got to get an IV. 0:04:41.560 --> 0:04:44.160 I get it, I get it. But there are some 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:47.560 times where you're gonna actually have to feel the pain 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:51.920 in order to heal the pain. I cannot heal something 0:04:51.960 --> 0:04:56.320 that I don't feel. You cannot walk around numb your 0:04:56.480 --> 0:05:00.000 entire life, because to me, when you're walking around numb, 0:05:00.279 --> 0:05:03.920 that means there's some areas of healing. And I think 0:05:03.960 --> 0:05:06.760 we lessen the quality of life when we walk around 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:10.320 just so numb and we just want to be so disassociated. 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:16.359 And actually disassociation is actually a trauma response. It's what 0:05:16.520 --> 0:05:20.120 is happening to you as you are being abused or 0:05:20.800 --> 0:05:27.320 in an unsafe environment. You literally mentally disassociate yourself. It's 0:05:27.360 --> 0:05:29.560 like out of body. I don't want to see it. 0:05:29.680 --> 0:05:31.760 I don't want to hear it. I don't want to 0:05:31.960 --> 0:05:36.280 feel it. I remember back in twenty eighteen, I had 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:40.520 a moment of disassociation, and I don't remember the phone 0:05:40.600 --> 0:05:44.080 calls made to me. I don't remember anything that I 0:05:44.160 --> 0:05:47.880 even did in that period of time. So you can chuckst. 0:05:47.920 --> 0:05:50.640 It could be disassociation, or it could even be a 0:05:50.880 --> 0:05:57.800 psychotic break like you're so traumatized you just now. This 0:05:57.880 --> 0:06:00.800 is different to me blacking out to do harm to 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:04.000 somebody else. I'm talking about what happens when something has 0:06:04.080 --> 0:06:08.480 been done to you, or you've gotten some news that 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:11.720 you just couldn't handle. Have you ever seen a loveding 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:15.200 or maybe yourself when you got news that someone passed 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:20.720 away and it was unexpected and you pass out, You 0:06:20.800 --> 0:06:26.560 black out, You don't remember anything, right. But then there's 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:31.159 sometimes where we are aware of the moment, but for 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:37.279 the future, we just do things in our life where 0:06:37.320 --> 0:06:38.960 we're like, you know, I don't want to feel the pain. 0:06:40.080 --> 0:06:42.080 It's because you don't want to feel the pain. You 0:06:42.120 --> 0:06:45.159 won't go over Grandma's house anymore because y'all are so close, 0:06:45.200 --> 0:06:47.640 and when she passed away, you just can't. You don't 0:06:47.640 --> 0:06:49.719 want to feel the pain. You don't want to. You 0:06:49.720 --> 0:06:51.839 don't want to smell fried chicken no more because it 0:06:51.920 --> 0:06:54.640 reminds you of your best friend, because y'all used to 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:57.320 smoke weed and eat chicken wings when you had the munchies, 0:06:57.360 --> 0:07:00.920 and now they're no longer here, or you're even someone 0:07:01.680 --> 0:07:05.240 who's actually maybe y'all broke up and you just want 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:08.960 to disassociate yourself from the memories, or you want to 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:13.040 disassociate yourself from the pain that they caused you. I 0:07:13.160 --> 0:07:16.800 get it, but we got to heal that pain so 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:21.120 we can be able to feel the wind on our cheeks, 0:07:21.240 --> 0:07:24.640 the sun beat on our face. You want to be 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.800 able to feel the love that someone else is trying 0:07:27.840 --> 0:07:31.640 to give you, but because you're so blocked off, you 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:35.960 can't feel love. And I know you ain't given love. 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:40.720 So I just wanted to speak into that, you know, 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:44.920 and sometimes in order to feel the pain to heal it, 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:48.080 I would encourage you to unpack that pain with someone, 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:52.640 a professional or someone that you deem safe. Well, what 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:55.120 do you mean, Michelle, So if you want to unpack 0:07:55.200 --> 0:07:57.920 your pain with someone and process your pain with a friend. 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:01.040 Some steps are asked that friend and be like, hey, 0:08:01.760 --> 0:08:04.120 I want to process something with you, something that's just 0:08:04.200 --> 0:08:10.960 been weighing me down. But before I unload on you emotionally, 0:08:11.280 --> 0:08:15.679 are you in a place to help me right now? Now? 0:08:16.240 --> 0:08:19.000 You're a safe person, And if that person is a 0:08:19.040 --> 0:08:22.360 safe person, you are giving them the choice to say, 0:08:23.080 --> 0:08:27.920 of course, let's talk. Or that person might say, Hey, 0:08:28.360 --> 0:08:30.840 let me put my kids to bed right quick, let 0:08:30.840 --> 0:08:33.560 me feed the dogs, let me make sure my partner 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:36.360 has eaten, and I'm gonna call you back in an hour. 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.400 Or that person might say I want to give y'all 0:08:40.400 --> 0:08:46.080 permission to even tell that person like, man, I'm in 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:49.520 a place right now that I can listen, but I 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:50.960 just want to let you know I'm in a place 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:54.200 right now where you might not want to hear my 0:08:54.360 --> 0:08:56.880 advice on a situation because I'm going through it too. 0:08:57.240 --> 0:09:01.360 So I'm just giving you variations of how to ask 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:05.520 somebody and and what a safe person's response can be. 0:09:06.200 --> 0:09:09.719 An unsafe person will be like, man, I hope we 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:11.880 ain't finna talk about so and so because I told 0:09:11.920 --> 0:09:13.640 you not to date them in the first place. See 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:16.720 if you didn't date them. You wouldn't be heartbroken if 0:09:17.040 --> 0:09:19.480 man I told you not to move back to so 0:09:19.559 --> 0:09:24.720 and so. That's unsafe a safe person. I've already given 0:09:24.760 --> 0:09:28.000 you a couple variations of how a safe person will 0:09:28.040 --> 0:09:31.640 respond if you decide you want to unpack the pain 0:09:32.480 --> 0:09:38.040 or unpacked the pain with a professional counselor. But I 0:09:38.080 --> 0:09:40.760 really want you to get that weight off of you. 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:44.400 I feel like the pain you carry is weight. It's 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:46.600 kind of like imagine if you're trying to walk on 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:49.160 a beautiful beach and you got buckets in your hand 0:09:49.160 --> 0:09:53.080 because you're supposed to be collecting sand, but it's nothing 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:57.880 but stones, and each stone represents pain you're carrying. Each 0:09:57.960 --> 0:10:05.600 stone represents betrayal, disappointment, regret, and it seems like it's 0:10:05.720 --> 0:10:09.920 light to carry at first, but the longer you keep walking, 0:10:11.320 --> 0:10:14.160 it gets heavier. So I want you to be able 0:10:14.160 --> 0:10:18.640 to walk through life and unburden yourselves. I want you 0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:27.880 to lighten your load. To my friends that are listening, 0:10:27.920 --> 0:10:32.720 who listen every week, I want to call your name individually, 0:10:33.000 --> 0:10:39.840 but baby girl, unload that pain. That pain is not 0:10:40.000 --> 0:10:44.240 your identity. It is not who you are. The pain 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:46.840 that someone inflicted on you is not who you are. 0:10:47.080 --> 0:10:49.960 The disappointment you feel, that's not your identity. You have 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:54.400 nothing to do with that. But you are responsible for 0:10:54.559 --> 0:10:59.240 your healing. You cannot put your healing in the hands 0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:02.040 of the person that hurt you in the first place. 0:11:03.320 --> 0:11:06.040 Nine times out of ten they have moved on with 0:11:06.120 --> 0:11:08.560 their life. They probably don't even know that you hurt. 0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:11.600 They hurt you because they're so toxic, they're so used 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:16.160 to living in dysfunction that they think it's normal. No, no, no, no, no, 0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:21.959 it is not normal. Just because you survive dysfunction, don't 0:11:21.960 --> 0:11:28.280 mean it's normal, all right. Surviving abuse, being abused is 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:34.280 not normal, verbally, physically, in any kind of way. It's 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:37.720 not cool, all right. So that will get you to 0:11:37.800 --> 0:11:42.160 a place of living and not just existing because you 0:11:42.320 --> 0:11:45.959 chose to numb yourself because of all the pain that 0:11:46.000 --> 0:11:49.680 you're in. And maybe maybe you're not the person in pain. 0:11:49.880 --> 0:11:52.880 Maybe you're in relationship with someone who is and it's 0:11:52.920 --> 0:11:55.760 affecting the quality of your relationships. And I'm not just 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:59.800 talking about romantic relationships, just people you friends with some 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:02.760 how do you cool it? They always come into the 0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:08.280 house down, They always negative that they're in pain. Help them, 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:12.720 Maybe initiate the conversation and be like, friend, it's been 0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:16.760 about four years. I don't know whether it's been a 0:12:16.840 --> 0:12:19.360 year four years and we keep talking about the same thing, 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:23.880 or I knowice like you just seem so irritable, and 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:28.880 irritability is often mistake for anger when it's really depression, 0:12:29.360 --> 0:12:33.480 all right. So that person could just be depressed because 0:12:33.520 --> 0:12:36.640 they haven't had an outlet or a safe place to 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:39.720 share you know what they've been going through, you know 0:12:39.720 --> 0:12:42.800 what I mean. My pastor said something on Sunday, he 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:47.400 said some people want attention, not intervention. So you gonna 0:12:47.400 --> 0:12:50.200 have those people in your life as well, but make 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:53.800 sure it's not you, all right, And make sure that 0:12:54.640 --> 0:12:57.120 when a person is talking to you, you have permission 0:12:57.160 --> 0:12:59.920 to say I hear what you're saying, and thank you 0:13:00.120 --> 0:13:03.199 so much for sharing. Are you just wanting me to listen? 0:13:03.960 --> 0:13:07.480 Or do you want my advice? Or can I help 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:10.520 you with a solution, especially if you have a track 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:13.480 record of great solutions, Especially if you have a great 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:17.760 track record like I'm gonna take advice from somebody who 0:13:17.880 --> 0:13:21.240 got a life that I want to live. Well, I 0:13:21.280 --> 0:13:23.360 guess you can also listen to people who live a 0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:25.720 life you don't want to live because of bad choices 0:13:25.760 --> 0:13:27.880 that they made. You can look at them and be like, Okay, 0:13:27.920 --> 0:13:30.320 you a blueprint and you out of life that I 0:13:30.360 --> 0:13:34.800 don't want to live, but it's a possibility. Like I 0:13:34.840 --> 0:13:38.319 feel like I have the authority to speak on areas 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:43.560 of healing depression, anxiety. I feel like I've walked through enough. 0:13:43.640 --> 0:13:48.800 I feel like I've overcome enough. I feel like I believe. 0:13:49.640 --> 0:13:53.280 I hope I've been a good witness to y'all about 0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:58.839 being resilient, getting that bounced back, you know, from situations 0:13:58.840 --> 0:14:01.920 that were meant to kill me, humiliate me, embarrass me, 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:04.680 or make me just want to give up on life. 0:14:05.240 --> 0:14:11.079 Through the grace of God and y'all's prayers and support, oooh, 0:14:11.840 --> 0:14:15.440 I'm here. I'm here, and there are so many other 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:18.240 people who've got a great track record of living this 0:14:18.360 --> 0:14:22.920 life that you can talk to. And so I really 0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:25.560 pray that, and I hope y'all allow me to say 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:29.160 the word pray. My prayer is that you get surrounded 0:14:29.280 --> 0:14:36.800 with safe people and people you can trust. So, speaking 0:14:36.880 --> 0:14:41.440 of trust, I have been reading this book called Trust 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:46.600 by doctor Henry Cloud. Again. The subtitle is knowing when 0:14:46.720 --> 0:14:51.080 to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it, 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:56.040 and how to fix it when it gets broken. Y'all, 0:14:56.080 --> 0:15:00.480 we gotta trust. Have you ever heard people that say, 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:03.680 I don't trust nobody, but you get on an airplane. 0:15:04.240 --> 0:15:07.680 You don't know the pilot, you don't know the flight attendance, 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:14.600 but you on that plane. I don't trust nobody, but 0:15:14.680 --> 0:15:20.920 you get your food delivered. I don't trust nobody, but 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:24.680 you drive a car hoping that everybody obeys the traffic 0:15:24.760 --> 0:15:32.200 signals and stop signs. Child, you ain't got that one person, 0:15:32.320 --> 0:15:36.640 so ask them if you don't trust nobody. You took 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:40.520 the subway to work today, did you trust the conductor 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:44.280 and that the train would not derail based on the 0:15:44.320 --> 0:15:46.960 people that are to ensure that the train stays on 0:15:47.000 --> 0:15:51.640 the rail. So you trust somebody, all right? Ain't that funny? 0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:57.200 So there are some things in the book where he 0:15:57.200 --> 0:15:59.880 says we can become better and better at knowing who 0:15:59.920 --> 0:16:03.600 is trustworthy and who is not, and we can get 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:07.040 better at deciding when and with whom we will put 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:12.560 ourselves at risk. Loving someone is a risk. Being in 0:16:12.680 --> 0:16:16.640 relationship with some is a risk. Chow some of your 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:21.280 coworkers is a risk. But it is a risk that 0:16:22.040 --> 0:16:25.960 majority of the time you will find that it was 0:16:26.080 --> 0:16:30.760 a risk worth taking. There's a part in this book 0:16:30.800 --> 0:16:35.160 that says, possibly everyone reading this book, including me, has 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:40.040 been victimized by a betrayal small or large that still stings. 0:16:41.080 --> 0:16:45.960 We all have our stories of misplaced trust. We either 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:49.960 missed warning signs and moved forward when we shouldn't have, 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:54.560 or worse, the warning signs were not visible, y'all. I 0:16:54.800 --> 0:17:00.520 definitely moved forward on something when I shouldn't have. Before, 0:17:00.520 --> 0:17:04.280 I moved forward on doing a reality show when something 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:08.040 in the pit of my stomach said do not do it, 0:17:09.040 --> 0:17:12.200 and we did it anyway, And I think we both 0:17:12.280 --> 0:17:15.239 did it because we were like, no, this is just 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:20.919 the first time of doing something like this. We're just afraid. No. No, 0:17:22.200 --> 0:17:25.119 God was trying to protect. He was trying to protect 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:29.560 so much in that season of my life, but I 0:17:29.640 --> 0:17:34.119 did not heed to that warning, missing warning signs. This 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:37.480 book says everything about the situation looked good on the surface, 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:41.280 and maybe it was, but we got burned. Anyway, when 0:17:41.280 --> 0:17:44.080 we look back, we say to ourselves, I just didn't 0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:47.080 see that coming, or how could they have done that 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:50.760 to me? We were such good friends or lovers or partners. 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:54.240 How could they have treated me that way? And sometimes 0:17:54.440 --> 0:17:58.080 it is not even an actual betrayal, but someone's honest 0:17:58.160 --> 0:18:02.679 inability to do what we need. We don't have good answers, 0:18:03.480 --> 0:18:08.879 but we do have scars. I promise you that you 0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:12.360 will never be betrayed or let down again after reading 0:18:12.600 --> 0:18:16.840 this book. Okay. One of the goals of the book 0:18:16.960 --> 0:18:19.000 is to equip you to know how to read between 0:18:19.040 --> 0:18:22.359 the lines of what someone tells you, tries to sell you, 0:18:22.480 --> 0:18:24.840 or promises you, and to be able to see what 0:18:24.920 --> 0:18:29.040 is trustworthy and what is not. Listen, I got to 0:18:29.080 --> 0:18:34.199 have him on the podcast. But this blessed me so 0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:39.680 much and blessed me so much, especially when you are 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:44.280 in a situation where you're like, Okay, I don't trust, 0:18:44.280 --> 0:18:46.960 but I want to trust. This book even says that 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:54.439 trust muscles can be repaired. Isn't that encouraging because maybe 0:18:54.480 --> 0:18:59.000 you were the person that inflicted pain, right, and so 0:18:59.200 --> 0:19:03.280 you are working to establish trust in a relationship again, 0:19:04.080 --> 0:19:08.399 And so I was encouraged. You know when he said 0:19:08.800 --> 0:19:12.240 in the book that trust muscles can be repaired. You 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:15.600 gotta heal first, get past the anger and need for 0:19:15.720 --> 0:19:22.360 revenge and forgive, ponder and determine its reconciliation possible, and 0:19:22.440 --> 0:19:25.400 then a new track record being built. So while you're 0:19:25.400 --> 0:19:28.640 building those trust muscles, somebody should be able to look 0:19:28.720 --> 0:19:31.560 back and say, ma'am, you really hurt me or you 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:35.600 really disappointed me, but your track record these past six 0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:39.439 months or this past year has helped me rebuild my 0:19:39.640 --> 0:19:43.200 trust in you. Listen, you ain't perfect. I'm not perfect. 0:19:43.240 --> 0:19:46.480 I'm gonna I'm gonna need someone to trust me again. 0:19:46.600 --> 0:19:48.960 And I have been in that place where I needed 0:19:49.000 --> 0:19:55.080 someone to trust me again. And I love I love love, love, 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:59.720 love love love. The five essentials of trust, he says 0:19:59.760 --> 0:20:02.600 that you can trust someone when you feel your needs 0:20:02.720 --> 0:20:08.479 or understood, felt and cared about. So that's understanding. The 0:20:08.520 --> 0:20:12.119 second essential love trust is motive, when he says you 0:20:12.160 --> 0:20:15.120 can trust someone when you feel their motive is for you, 0:20:15.280 --> 0:20:19.200 not just for themselves. I have been in situations where 0:20:19.200 --> 0:20:23.920 I've been asked to do something and I be like, now, 0:20:23.920 --> 0:20:25.800 how this's gonna work out for me? What's in it 0:20:25.840 --> 0:20:28.199 for me? Now? There are moments where you do do 0:20:28.320 --> 0:20:30.920 things for people because you're like, God's been so good 0:20:30.920 --> 0:20:33.600 to me. I don't need nothing out of this, I'm 0:20:33.600 --> 0:20:36.280 gonna show up, I'm there, let's go. But then there 0:20:36.320 --> 0:20:39.000 are some people you're like, they kind of got an 0:20:39.040 --> 0:20:44.399 opportuneist spirit on them, right, So you can trust someone 0:20:44.440 --> 0:20:47.680 when you feel that even when they ask of you 0:20:47.800 --> 0:20:50.959 to do something, you still feel like their motive is 0:20:51.040 --> 0:20:56.080 for you and not just for themselves. A thirty central 0:20:56.119 --> 0:20:59.119 love trust is ability. You can trust someone when you 0:20:59.160 --> 0:21:02.119 feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and 0:21:02.160 --> 0:21:05.639 deliver results for what you have and trusted to them. Okay, 0:21:05.760 --> 0:21:08.920 some of y'all are in partnership with a friend loved one, 0:21:09.480 --> 0:21:14.280 y'all are opening up a business. Uh, y'all decided, Hey, 0:21:14.280 --> 0:21:17.720 we gonna do a food truck, or we gonna have 0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:22.239 a dance group, or we're gonna design clothes together. And 0:21:22.359 --> 0:21:27.720 they keep missing deadlines, your trust is eventually waning or 0:21:27.760 --> 0:21:30.520 they barely meet the deadline, and you're like, I don't 0:21:30.560 --> 0:21:33.480 trust that you're gonna deliver. I don't trust that you 0:21:33.560 --> 0:21:36.480 can do this work. So another essential of trust is 0:21:36.520 --> 0:21:40.680 the ability. Do they have the ability to deliver results 0:21:40.720 --> 0:21:43.480 for what you've been trusted them to do. Maybe you 0:21:43.560 --> 0:21:46.240 have a company and you've hired someone and they keep 0:21:46.400 --> 0:21:49.480 dropping the ball The amazing thing about this book is 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:53.760 just not trust as it relates to romantic partners or family. 0:21:54.000 --> 0:21:57.360 It's also for leaders. It's also for business owners. It's 0:21:57.440 --> 0:22:00.119 you know, you're like, yo, I got employees, and do 0:22:00.200 --> 0:22:03.040 what I keep dropping the ball. I'm starting to lose 0:22:03.080 --> 0:22:08.359 trust in them. Baby, Listen, they gotta know honey, you 0:22:08.520 --> 0:22:10.439 lose and trust in them and they finna lose what 0:22:10.480 --> 0:22:13.960 they say You about to lose your job. Uh. The 0:22:14.000 --> 0:22:17.800 fourth e center of trust is character. You can trust 0:22:17.880 --> 0:22:21.199 someone who has the character or personal makeup needed for 0:22:21.320 --> 0:22:25.400 what you and trust them with Trusting someone who has 0:22:25.440 --> 0:22:33.359 the character. Ooh. Character is so important because it's not 0:22:33.720 --> 0:22:40.399 it's not what you do really on stage, it's how 0:22:40.440 --> 0:22:44.160 are you off the stage? It's not what you do 0:22:45.040 --> 0:22:51.240 in front of everybody? What are you like behind closed doors? Hey? Oh, 0:22:52.119 --> 0:22:54.520 I know for me, that's something you gotta work on 0:22:54.560 --> 0:22:56.439 every day because I don't want to be the person 0:22:56.440 --> 0:23:01.199 where it's like the world adores me, but my kids 0:23:01.240 --> 0:23:03.520 one day or my husband one day is lit. But 0:23:03.640 --> 0:23:07.440 she was a witch at home? You know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, 0:23:07.480 --> 0:23:09.840 you will all of that to match. No, it's all 0:23:09.880 --> 0:23:17.240 gotta make sense. Character people the fifth essentials of trust 0:23:17.400 --> 0:23:20.119 is you can trust someone who has a track record 0:23:20.160 --> 0:23:22.840 of performing in the ways you need them to perform. 0:23:23.080 --> 0:23:26.800 Track record, all right, you can trust someone who has 0:23:26.840 --> 0:23:30.320 the track record of just showing up when people say 0:23:30.359 --> 0:23:35.120 they're gonna do something. They're there, you're getting ready to move, 0:23:35.560 --> 0:23:37.320 and someone says, okay, i' a beat, I may help 0:23:37.359 --> 0:23:38.920 you pack it all up, and I'm gonna let you 0:23:39.080 --> 0:23:43.000 use my truck, and we and then they don't show up, 0:23:44.000 --> 0:23:47.840 they don't call, and they've done this like twice on you. 0:23:48.600 --> 0:23:54.800 Mm hmmm. Y'all. It blessed me so much. And the 0:23:54.960 --> 0:24:03.360 five essentials of trust again, those five essentials are under standing, motive, ability, character, 0:24:03.520 --> 0:24:07.359 and track record. But y'all, it made me ask two 0:24:07.480 --> 0:24:12.520 questions of myself. It made me ask who is in 0:24:12.560 --> 0:24:16.280 my life that has these five essentials? Who is in 0:24:16.359 --> 0:24:20.040 your life that has those five essentials? And then the 0:24:20.080 --> 0:24:25.119 other question I had was do I carry these essentials 0:24:25.119 --> 0:24:30.359 in me? Can people say that I have those five 0:24:30.640 --> 0:24:37.919 essentials of trust? I've been big on talking about setting boundaries, right, 0:24:38.720 --> 0:24:41.600 but like, how many people have maybe had to set 0:24:41.600 --> 0:24:45.400 a boundary with me, Lisa, I'm setting boundaries. I don't 0:24:45.480 --> 0:24:51.240 trust nobody. Well do people trust you? Do you carry 0:24:51.960 --> 0:24:57.240 those five trust essentials? Can people say your motive is pure? 0:24:58.160 --> 0:25:01.399 Can people say that you show up up? Can people 0:25:01.440 --> 0:25:05.320 say you know what so and so is a hot mess? 0:25:05.680 --> 0:25:15.200 But they are consistent, they got my back. I'm so grateful. 0:25:15.800 --> 0:25:21.359 I know I got at least one hand of people 0:25:21.400 --> 0:25:24.880 that I can name right now that are consistent. We 0:25:25.000 --> 0:25:29.160 might not talk every day every week, but they are 0:25:29.280 --> 0:25:34.440 consistent in showing up. They are consistent in how they 0:25:34.600 --> 0:25:41.040 move towards me and with me. I'm thankful, I'm super thankful. 0:25:41.160 --> 0:25:44.399 But I always got to make sure that that level 0:25:44.520 --> 0:25:47.120 of trust and how I need people to show up 0:25:47.119 --> 0:25:50.720 for me. I gotta make sure that I show up 0:25:50.760 --> 0:25:54.320 for them and don't just show up when it's convenient. 0:25:55.200 --> 0:25:57.399 Isn't it something where you're like, you know, I got 0:25:57.520 --> 0:25:59.280 a call off work, but I'm gonna be there for 0:25:59.320 --> 0:26:02.040 you in your time need. I'm gonna take a vacation 0:26:02.200 --> 0:26:05.120 day and I'm gonna be there. Somebody might lost their parents, 0:26:05.400 --> 0:26:07.800 lost a loved one, or lost a job and they're 0:26:07.800 --> 0:26:12.200 going through depression. Can you show up for somebody? Can 0:26:12.240 --> 0:26:17.920 you instacart them some some groceries, child I'll never forget 0:26:18.040 --> 0:26:22.080 during COVID if folks that I knew were sick, I'd 0:26:22.119 --> 0:26:23.480 be like, well, at least let me send you some 0:26:23.560 --> 0:26:26.680 ginger rell because I ain't coming to your house. But 0:26:26.800 --> 0:26:29.440 let me send you this good old chicken soup and 0:26:29.480 --> 0:26:34.000 some turmeric and ginger probiotic. You know them little drinks 0:26:34.000 --> 0:26:38.480 that you can just shoot them and just swallow them 0:26:38.480 --> 0:26:42.600 in like two seconds. Yeah, that's me. That's me. I'm 0:26:42.640 --> 0:26:44.879 gonna send you some groceries in a minute, now, that's me. 0:26:45.320 --> 0:26:48.439 But as you get older, you really value and cherish 0:26:48.600 --> 0:26:53.240