WEBVTT - Common: Breaking Destructive Cycles 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.480 Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:05.840 Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.040 Facebook watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:13.120 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:17.200 on Apple Podcasts. On this Red Table Talk, He's won 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:20.680 an Oscar and Emmy, a Golden Globe, and three Grammys 0:00:20.680 --> 0:00:26.280 for his groundbreaking lyricism comment. He's taking a seat at 0:00:26.280 --> 0:00:28.680 the table to share how he overcame the obstacles that 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:31.520 kept him from healing and finding real love. I was 0:00:31.560 --> 0:00:34.000 in a breakup and the breakup was it was a 0:00:34.040 --> 0:00:36.360 psycho repeating for me. I was like, man, why do 0:00:36.400 --> 0:00:38.440 I keep doing this? How do I keep getting put 0:00:38.560 --> 0:00:41.680 in this position? In his memoir Let Love Have the 0:00:41.760 --> 0:00:45.720 Last Word, Common reveals how painful conversations with his family 0:00:45.800 --> 0:00:49.280 forced him to make a drastic change. My daughter Mayer 0:00:49.600 --> 0:00:54.320 confronted me and I was hurt and I was mad too. 0:00:54.480 --> 0:00:58.160 And he's ready to answer our most burning question. I 0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:01.880 would like to be a d what's your ideal woman comments? Ladies, 0:01:01.960 --> 0:01:17.760 listen up, we are about to meet Common. One of 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:20.560 the reasons why I wanted him to come to the 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:24.560 table was because there were definitely specific things in his 0:01:24.920 --> 0:01:27.880 story that were very relatable to my story. You know, 0:01:27.920 --> 0:01:31.920 I was raised by a single mother. Yeah, and he 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:35.840 had bouts with excessive drinking like I did. For it 0:01:36.240 --> 0:01:41.319 seems like for similar reasons. And also I've been on 0:01:41.400 --> 0:01:45.080 the search of the meaning of love as well. There's 0:01:45.600 --> 0:01:49.320 the relationship with his daughter that is very parallel to 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:52.840 the experience that you and Daddy had. Exactly. One of 0:01:53.120 --> 0:01:56.000 the conversations we've been having in our house is the 0:01:56.080 --> 0:02:01.160 idea of men. Your dad included making the distinction between 0:02:01.360 --> 0:02:06.080 providing for their family versus caring for their family. Right, 0:02:06.880 --> 0:02:10.639 Usually those men are not really caring about how they 0:02:10.720 --> 0:02:14.440 feel in that case, they're not thinking about how the 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:18.080 people around them. I feel for man when when he's 0:02:18.680 --> 0:02:22.880 challenged by his daughter, it makes him have to look 0:02:22.919 --> 0:02:26.680 at things in a different way, you know. So I 0:02:26.760 --> 0:02:30.280 really related to his to his book, Well, let's you know, 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:48.320 let's just bring them on out coming at real Good 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:53.000 to see you again. I'm so glad to have you here. 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:57.160 I was really moved by your book, and one of 0:02:57.200 --> 0:02:59.400 the major things in your book that moved me was 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:04.520 repairing your relationship with your daughter. Because we had a 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:07.640 bit of that and in that house, you know what 0:03:07.760 --> 0:03:11.600 I mean in regards to will just thought winning, He 0:03:11.680 --> 0:03:17.920 thought providing was enough, you know, until one day Willow 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:23.200 was just like, this is what was that conversation? What 0:03:23.280 --> 0:03:25.560 was it? I don't even think it was a conversation. 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:30.200 I think it was me choosing to just be like, no, 0:03:31.280 --> 0:03:32.800 I don't want to do that. I can't do this 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:36.520 anyway right, like that's doing the whip, the hair and 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:39.920 all of that kind of stuff. It took her and 0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:43.440 that relationship for him to stop and have to reevaluate 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:47.720 what is love. But my daughter Mayer confronted me because 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:50.000 it was like a late night call, so I thought 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:52.000 I was like getting a call that was like, you know, 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:53.960 I'm a cool dad, Like it was like two in 0:03:53.960 --> 0:03:57.360 the morning. I actually had to start a film the 0:03:57.400 --> 0:03:59.160 next day, so I was like, I'm gonna call you back, 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:02.040 let's talk to are. And she called me right back like, yo, 0:04:02.160 --> 0:04:03.760 you don't even care, you don't even see why I 0:04:03.800 --> 0:04:07.200 was at you. And it really it shook me for 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:09.320 a minute because I was like, wait, what what are 0:04:09.360 --> 0:04:11.600 you talking about? You know I don't and no, mother 0:04:11.640 --> 0:04:14.640 and I weren't together, so it was becoming a fight 0:04:14.720 --> 0:04:17.839 to be able to know. And then so eventually that 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:21.120 conversation turned into her saying you weren't there for me, 0:04:21.160 --> 0:04:24.080 you didn't fight for me as a father. It made 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:29.039 me feel like defensive. I was hurt and I was 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:31.240 mad too, because I'm like, you really believe some of 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:35.599 this stuff. What I really learned was like and after 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:39.360 I got past my own ego and stuff like that, 0:04:39.480 --> 0:04:42.400 got that, I said, look, you're right, I didn't fight 0:04:42.480 --> 0:04:44.800 and I had to acknowledge that, and and I just 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:46.720 need to listen to her because this is what she's 0:04:46.760 --> 0:04:49.640 feeling like, no matter what I think I've done, and 0:04:49.640 --> 0:04:53.120 this and that, like, this is how she feels. And 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:57.039 and that was like one of those Heavens open moments 0:04:57.040 --> 0:05:00.680 of me understanding how to apply love or like how 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:04.000 to and the way that it looked for her. Because 0:05:04.000 --> 0:05:06.040 I'm sure you believed you were doing your thing, that 0:05:06.120 --> 0:05:08.840 you're a good dad. No, I definitely believe that's probably 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:11.080 why you're upset because you're like, wait, I thought everything 0:05:11.160 --> 0:05:13.680 was fine. What's happening? Yeah, but I mean you know 0:05:13.760 --> 0:05:16.760 something you just said, Jada too is like I didn't 0:05:16.760 --> 0:05:19.400 grow up necessarily with my father, right, So a lot 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:22.120 of ways I learned to be a man is from 0:05:22.200 --> 0:05:26.719 my homies and like other father figures, and to provide 0:05:26.720 --> 0:05:29.440 and protect was the two most important things that we 0:05:30.120 --> 0:05:32.960 but they've been passed down from generation we learned, right, 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:36.920 and I'm a caring individual, but I had to get 0:05:36.960 --> 0:05:40.600 past beyond just like providing and protecting because of love 0:05:40.680 --> 0:05:43.839 is an action word. That's what I've been really like, 0:05:44.000 --> 0:05:47.159 It's an action word. So it's like that type of 0:05:47.279 --> 0:05:52.479 understanding and just paying attention is what we weren't equipped with, 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:55.039 like we had that, you know exactly. And I think 0:05:55.040 --> 0:05:58.040 that that's the that's the most important aspect of it 0:05:58.080 --> 0:06:01.359 is if you're not allowed to like look at yourself 0:06:01.520 --> 0:06:04.360 and feel your emotions like as deeply as you need 0:06:04.400 --> 0:06:09.240 to feel them, you're you're never gonna truly understand how 0:06:09.279 --> 0:06:12.800 to communicate your emotions to other people and how to 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:15.720 and how to emote. You know, when you put stuff 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:17.719 out on the table, you put the truth out there, 0:06:18.200 --> 0:06:22.839 it strengthens the relationship, you know. It's like Moya was 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:26.480 harboring those feelings because she felt like, well, I didn't 0:06:26.480 --> 0:06:28.240 always have my dad here, so if I tell him 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:33.159 some stuff he did wrong, then I'm them less. Once 0:06:33.200 --> 0:06:35.360 she was able to put it out, she felt liberated 0:06:35.400 --> 0:06:38.920 and free and now she's more secure and the fact that, yo, 0:06:39.440 --> 0:06:42.440 you can tell your dad whatever you need to tell them, 0:06:42.520 --> 0:06:45.120 and the love is going to be there. We had 0:06:45.160 --> 0:06:48.159 our own therapy session together because she was smart. She 0:06:48.279 --> 0:06:51.120 was smart about She was like, Dad, we for this 0:06:51.160 --> 0:06:55.800 book come out. We need to resolve this because she 0:06:55.839 --> 0:06:58.760 said that. So we've been doing really great overall. She 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:08.880 just graduated from how our university. There was one aspect 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:12.760 of the book I'm very interested in why you decided 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:18.120 to reveal. I saw The Tale and it was a 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:21.680 really difficult movie to watch, you know, it was really 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:26.160 it was rough. It's about a young woman who her 0:07:26.160 --> 0:07:30.960 mother finds her diaries and realizes that she had been molests, 0:07:31.000 --> 0:07:35.160 really raped. Yeah, so the writer directors the the woman 0:07:35.320 --> 0:07:37.360 where it happens, so it was her story. Then the 0:07:37.440 --> 0:07:39.960 movie was starring Laura Dern and I was in the 0:07:40.000 --> 0:07:44.400 films playing her husband. While we were rehearsing, we were 0:07:44.400 --> 0:07:47.800 talking about sexual abuse and going through some things, and 0:07:49.200 --> 0:07:52.640 you know, it popped in my mind and it was 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:56.080 strange because if I never had this thought but that 0:07:56.160 --> 0:07:59.640 I was sexually abused, that I was molested, but I 0:07:59.680 --> 0:08:03.160 had locked it out of my mind and until I 0:08:03.200 --> 0:08:06.040 got to that film was the first time I faced 0:08:06.080 --> 0:08:10.120 it since the night that that that I was molested. UM. 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:13.440 That was like nine years old and it was by 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:17.440 my cousin's guy brother. So it was a difficult situation 0:08:17.520 --> 0:08:21.720 for me to grasp onto UM and I started working 0:08:21.720 --> 0:08:24.160 through it. Where let's say, what's interesting is that in 0:08:24.200 --> 0:08:27.960 the book, you don't consider yourself a victim. Now why 0:08:28.040 --> 0:08:31.520 is that? Well, I don't feel a victim because I 0:08:31.560 --> 0:08:36.040 see myself as somebody who overcame that situation. I brought 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:38.560 it up in the book because it was like me 0:08:38.720 --> 0:08:41.559 really doing my best to show what forgiveness can be about. 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:44.360 And though I'm still in that process, that was the 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:47.480 core of what I wanted to achieve. I want to 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:50.760 get into like this level of forgiveness, you know, like 0:08:50.800 --> 0:08:53.679 I needed to forgive for myself so I can move forward, right, 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:58.600 And I talked about it also because we as black men, 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:03.200 black people don't talk about sexual abuse in our communities 0:09:03.720 --> 0:09:07.280 and because it's taboo, and it's like you don't want 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:09.480 that uncle or that cousin to look bad. The family, 0:09:09.520 --> 0:09:11.720 don't want the person to look bad, But what about 0:09:11.720 --> 0:09:14.800 the child that's been effective? And then a child feels 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:17.080 like they can't say nothing, they can't talk about it. 0:09:17.600 --> 0:09:20.640 How did your family feel and finding out, like your daughter, 0:09:20.800 --> 0:09:24.920 your mother about what you had been through. My mother 0:09:25.040 --> 0:09:27.400 took a little time to process it. Like when I 0:09:27.440 --> 0:09:30.360 first told her, she was in shock a little bit. 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:32.920 She was a principal, so she knew about it happening 0:09:32.920 --> 0:09:35.480 to a lot of kids in her school, but to 0:09:35.559 --> 0:09:37.840 have it happen her own child, so that shocked up. 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:39.800 But we didn't talk much about it for a second. 0:09:40.080 --> 0:09:44.400 And then she just recently told me that she really 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:47.400 was like sad at one point about it. Then she 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:49.880 felt guilty at one point, but she's like, man, I'm 0:09:49.920 --> 0:09:54.840 glad you're talking about this. But my daughter was Amy 0:09:55.120 --> 0:09:58.240 was really proud. She was like, this really happened to you. 0:09:58.640 --> 0:10:00.800 I was like yeah, And that's when she started process. 0:10:00.920 --> 0:10:03.800 She was like, man, you you know, I really am 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:06.400 proud of you for you know, when she when your 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:11.400 daughter tell you proud, you feel that all right? Good? Good? 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:16.960 You know? So yeah I know that. Also, um therapy, 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:19.720 Oh yeah, yeah, And I think in the book you 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:24.040 said you started going to therapy in what was that 0:10:24.160 --> 0:10:26.760 feeling or that moment that that made you Because I'm 0:10:26.760 --> 0:10:28.839 gonna tell you I made you make that decision. I 0:10:29.000 --> 0:10:31.560 remember hitting up to that yeah rock bottom where it 0:10:31.559 --> 0:10:34.559 was like, hey, look I'm about to kill myself. Somebody back, 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:37.960 come help me. So what what was that feeling that 0:10:38.080 --> 0:10:40.840 made you decide like, all right, I gotta I gotta 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:44.559 talk to somebody. I was in a breakup and I 0:10:44.600 --> 0:10:48.400 was like the breakup was it was a psycho repeating 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:50.880 for me, Like I felt like I was like, man, 0:10:50.880 --> 0:10:52.760 why do I keep doing this? How do I keep 0:10:52.800 --> 0:10:56.400 getting put in this position or put myself in this position? 0:10:56.880 --> 0:10:59.800 My acting coach she was like, I think you need 0:10:59.800 --> 0:11:02.679 to talked to Susan, who was a therapist that I 0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:05.120 sent people to. She's really good. And I was kind 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:07.880 of still in the mode of like, I'm open to 0:11:08.040 --> 0:11:10.000 trying a lot of things to work on myself, don't 0:11:10.000 --> 0:11:13.319 get me wrong, But I wasn't all the way there yet. 0:11:13.480 --> 0:11:15.960 And I remember it was strange because I was in 0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:18.760 the car with w A. Moyer and we were about 0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:20.920 to fly somewhere and I had to get in the 0:11:21.080 --> 0:11:24.439 back seat to talk in private to the to the therapist. 0:11:24.520 --> 0:11:27.160 But I needed it right then and there, like because 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:29.360 I was going through a pain that was just like 0:11:29.760 --> 0:11:31.600 I gotta get this off me so I could be 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:35.640 better for myself, for a moyer, for everything that I'm doing. 0:11:35.920 --> 0:11:39.360 So that was the the catalysts, yeah, to get me there. 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:42.520 But as soon as I talked, I was like, man, 0:11:42.600 --> 0:11:46.239 this is I felt. The healing happened as the conversation 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:48.880 was going, and I felt like things I was learning 0:11:48.880 --> 0:11:52.559 about myself that I didn't no. I had the bad 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:56.160 you know, the wounds that I was carrying. I needed 0:11:56.200 --> 0:11:58.360 to know those things so I can identify them and 0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:02.120 like really say, man, if I want to quit your cycle, 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:06.600 I can make the change. What you said something very 0:12:06.640 --> 0:12:09.400 interesting in your book. You said I had no real 0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:13.319 memories of my parents loving each other, and our parents 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:16.920 are the first lovers we observe in our lives, so 0:12:17.600 --> 0:12:20.480 I would think that on a lot of levels. And 0:12:20.520 --> 0:12:23.920 trying to learn how to love a woman or learn 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:27.239 how to love a child, you know, it's it's difficult 0:12:27.480 --> 0:12:30.360 because you're right, it's like we're not giving a lot 0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:35.160 of examples, you know, and let let me. It's like, man, 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:38.280 my mother gave me all the love she could, but 0:12:38.520 --> 0:12:41.079 some of that love was even pain too, because of 0:12:41.160 --> 0:12:43.600 her and my father not being together, and that struggle, 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:46.880 especially with mother's son connections that a mother, like a 0:12:47.320 --> 0:12:50.680 single mother, sometimes will put the responsibility of the husband 0:12:50.679 --> 0:12:53.720 onto the to the young boy, to the child, and 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.320 the child is like, man, he's trying to do his best, 0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:58.400 but he can't do what a husband could do, like 0:12:58.559 --> 0:13:02.559 just provide the emotional energy and love and that um, 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:07.080 you know that eventually transfers into like kind of like 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:11.760 an intimacy avoidance or something because you feel you feel 0:13:11.800 --> 0:13:14.440 the pressure. Yeah, And so any time that show up 0:13:14.440 --> 0:13:17.920 in a relationship and you don't know it's from the past, 0:13:18.040 --> 0:13:20.360 you're like, I don't want this, feel this, This feel 0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:24.440 familiar in a bad way. It's so deep because I've 0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:31.320 heard a lot of men raised by single mothers the 0:13:31.440 --> 0:13:37.599 difficulty of in the fear of having deep intimate relationships 0:13:37.760 --> 0:13:41.680 because of feeling like they're going to get swallowed, they're 0:13:41.679 --> 0:13:46.160 going to lose their their controls. Yeah. Yeah, and the mothers, 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:48.080 you know, they don't know that, they're just trying to 0:13:48.120 --> 0:13:50.760 offer their love. Like I've been in situations where I've 0:13:50.760 --> 0:13:53.560 been in a good relationship but the woman she needed 0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:57.160 certain things, and I felt like it was becoming too mother. Yeah, 0:13:57.160 --> 0:13:59.400 it was too much, and I was like, I didn't 0:13:59.400 --> 0:14:02.120 know how to communicate that. Yeah, it reminded me of 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:05.760 my mother. I need to identify it's really happening, and 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:07.920 if it is, I should be able to communicate that 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:11.079 and say the things I need. But that takes the evolution, 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:13.240 as you were saying, Willow, just to being able to 0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:16.480 know what your emotions are, identifying them, and be able 0:14:16.480 --> 0:14:19.200 to communicate that to somebody in a relationship. That's something 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:22.080 to give men more freedom to do that, like just 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:25.600 from the get go. And that's what the therapist help me. 0:14:25.640 --> 0:14:31.080 When I'm like, black people, let's use therapy. Man's I mean, 0:14:31.440 --> 0:14:35.040 I'm like, I'm not telling everybody like it's the only solution, 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:37.760 but there's so many tools out there for us to hear. 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:41.200 We're talking about the things that we've carried over through generations. 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:44.040 Therapy is one of those things from a personal level 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:47.200 to a generational level where you can hear I'm gonna 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:49.480 tell you what was deep too. I'm gonna tell you 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:53.960 there was a line I'll tell you there's a lot 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:56.360 in the book when you said you said that you 0:14:56.520 --> 0:15:02.320 thought love was desired, right, yes, you know, willing, I 0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:06.960 would have lots of conversations about trying to differentiate a 0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:12.920 man stealing desire being the meaning of love. That's the 0:15:13.000 --> 0:15:15.880 real thing that we as men really identify that as 0:15:15.960 --> 0:15:18.200 being a love thing. When you're like yearning for this 0:15:18.400 --> 0:15:21.440 person and it's it's but you get that feeling and 0:15:21.520 --> 0:15:23.760 you want that feeling, and that's something that I really 0:15:23.840 --> 0:15:26.320 used to like really think like, Okay, that tingle in 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:28.680 my stomach is what I want and that's why I 0:15:28.760 --> 0:15:31.720 kept seeking that, and I know that that felt good. 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:35.360 But then you were getting these relationships and once the 0:15:35.640 --> 0:15:39.360 once the tingle started to fade, you go deep. Yeah, 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:42.320 I mean I think I think that was one issue 0:15:42.400 --> 0:15:45.400 for sure for me. When that in love or honeymoon 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:48.640 whatever we all call it phase goes, I was like, 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:52.440 this don't feel as good, and I would start coming 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:55.960 up with excuses on why the relationship is not gonna work. Like, man, 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:58.600 when I'm in relationships, I don't do work as well. 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:02.480 I used to actually telling myself that, like my albums 0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:07.440 are not as good, I don't focusing yeah for real, 0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:11.280 And I really believed it, you know, but it was 0:16:11.320 --> 0:16:14.560 just a matter of like getting past those walls I 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:17.040 had within myself to do the work like be like 0:16:17.560 --> 0:16:19.680 I didn't know what those walls were. And like the 0:16:19.680 --> 0:16:22.840 therapist I work with, Susan, she was one of the 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:25.600 important things she said to me was like when I 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:28.640 was chasing for certain things or you know, like yearning 0:16:28.680 --> 0:16:31.440 that feeling, she was like, remember you got guys loving you. 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:34.880 I love Phil. You gotta remember like that. That really 0:16:34.880 --> 0:16:37.800 helped ground me because it's like some of this stuff 0:16:37.800 --> 0:16:40.480 I'm chasing, what am I doing? I read in the 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:44.480 book also that like myself, I was an excessive drinker 0:16:44.480 --> 0:16:47.840 as well, you know, and I realized that part of 0:16:47.840 --> 0:16:52.200 that was just needing to have that extreme feeling. You. Yeah, 0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:54.320 I knew that I had to stop doing that, but 0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:58.160 for you specifically, like how did you really just focus yourself? 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:01.920 For me, I started it by changing my diet, right, 0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:04.159 that's one of our biggest addictions that we don't like 0:17:04.240 --> 0:17:08.080 American American don't talk about this food. But once I 0:17:08.080 --> 0:17:11.199 saw I was able to not eat certain foods, that 0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:13.439 showed me that I had the willpower to stop like 0:17:13.640 --> 0:17:17.119 chasing girls as much like that was that was my 0:17:17.280 --> 0:17:19.520 entry before I even knew it was an entry, that 0:17:19.600 --> 0:17:23.720 was my entry, and then it just became what is 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:26.719 adding onto my life? Like if I go answer this 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:28.800 girl who texting me saying, oh you want to hang out? 0:17:28.800 --> 0:17:32.600 Blah blah blah, is this aligned with my overall purpose? 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:37.159 And and you know what is your real intention? My 0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:39.359 intention is my attention and yo, I don't want to 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:42.520 hurt anybody else. I don't want to extract energy from 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:44.479 me that I don't want to give away. So I 0:17:44.560 --> 0:17:48.200 just started identifying those things and disciplined myself. But it 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:51.080 started with food and then it kind of rolled over 0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:53.160 to alcohol where I could be like, Okay, I ain't 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:55.480 gonna drink as much. I still had my little time. 0:17:57.080 --> 0:17:59.399 I work hard. I'm like, oh blah, come out to 0:17:59.440 --> 0:18:02.600 get nice right right now. You said in the book 0:18:02.640 --> 0:18:07.280 also that you've accomplished everything, but that you're not a husband. Yeah, 0:18:07.320 --> 0:18:10.480 that's that's all. And the fact that you want to 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:12.719 be a husband. Yeah, I would like to be a husband. 0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:16.080 I think. You know, for a long time I was 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:18.600 in and out with that, like do I really want 0:18:18.640 --> 0:18:20.359 to be a husband or am I doing this because 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:23.679 this is what society says to So why do you 0:18:23.680 --> 0:18:25.760 want to be a husband. Now now, I think I 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:31.439 just want that partnership to be able to experience life 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:34.320 where I'm like growing as a human being and like 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:37.560 kind of just spark each other. Um And to us 0:18:38.280 --> 0:18:41.040 it's fun too, it's fun at times, you know, I 0:18:41.040 --> 0:18:47.720 know it's hard. Also, I mean you talk about this fun. 0:18:47.840 --> 0:18:53.360 I'm like, yeah, yeah, He's like, yeah, it's fun. It is. 0:18:55.200 --> 0:18:59.919 You can tell me the positives and well, the positives 0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:07.280 are having a partner to um because life is about growth. 0:19:08.160 --> 0:19:12.240 One of the things about life, partnerships, marriages is that 0:19:13.640 --> 0:19:19.320 you you will grow exponentially. But it's a struggle because 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:26.840 it digs into your most intimate, deepest insecurities, insecurities, triggers 0:19:27.000 --> 0:19:31.760 and fears. Tell me, do you feel like, what other 0:19:31.840 --> 0:19:34.920 way would you have grown as much? That's the thing 0:19:36.400 --> 0:19:38.760 that wouldn't have But that's the thing you do find 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:41.920 a deeper love you have to in order to survive 0:19:42.520 --> 0:19:47.720 and being a happy union, right, yeah, and deeper. So 0:19:47.840 --> 0:19:53.199 if love is your journey, I do believe being in 0:19:53.240 --> 0:19:55.560 the union is the best way to do it. But 0:19:55.640 --> 0:19:59.560 it's a struggle. Well, that's what you have to And 0:19:59.600 --> 0:20:02.720 I've been saying this over and over aga you have 0:20:02.840 --> 0:20:07.960 to have the freedom to create a union that works 0:20:08.000 --> 0:20:14.640 for you, constricted by necessarily the social people. That's that's 0:20:14.680 --> 0:20:18.159 what you envision for yourself. But you and your partner 0:20:18.200 --> 0:20:21.639 have to be clear on what you want out of 0:20:21.680 --> 0:20:25.639 that relationship and also being flexible within that and knowing 0:20:25.760 --> 0:20:31.399 that it's gonna change, right, Because but I do believe 0:20:31.480 --> 0:20:33.360 that there has to be a purpose. That's why when 0:20:33.400 --> 0:20:36.360 I believe that people get married because of their love 0:20:36.440 --> 0:20:39.440 for God, I'm like, that's a good purpose, right. People 0:20:39.440 --> 0:20:42.480 get married because for family. That's a good purpose because 0:20:42.480 --> 0:20:46.359 along the way, you are going to need something other 0:20:46.440 --> 0:20:50.720 than the two of you that is gonna have you 0:20:52.119 --> 0:20:58.359 found family. Okay, so what are you looking for in 0:20:58.359 --> 0:21:01.600 a woman? What's what's your idea a woman? Comments? Ladies, 0:21:01.680 --> 0:21:07.879 listen up, I like a woman that's definitely a spirituality 0:21:07.960 --> 0:21:11.920 to it. Fun. Yeah, so that means sense of humor, Yeah, 0:21:11.960 --> 0:21:14.399 sense of human right this weekend becauld I need that 0:21:14.520 --> 0:21:17.399 in my life. I love you know, I like to crazy. 0:21:18.800 --> 0:21:21.000 I want a friend to like that that I can 0:21:21.080 --> 0:21:23.080 share those things with. And I know I got to 0:21:23.080 --> 0:21:24.560 do my part. I'm just talking about what I want 0:21:24.600 --> 0:21:27.840 to Yeah, but I want to grow like I learned it. 0:21:28.240 --> 0:21:29.760 You know, as long as you got some things in 0:21:29.880 --> 0:21:31.720 your listen, you know what you want, You're not gonna 0:21:31.760 --> 0:21:35.520 get everything because I'm not perfect, So neither would that 0:21:35.640 --> 0:21:39.040 person be perfect? Right right, Yo, you're not gonna get 0:21:39.080 --> 0:21:43.520 it all. You got that lesson, Willow, I mean just 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:51.720 for me. I got that lesson because I can't be 0:21:52.160 --> 0:21:54.600 everything for one person, you know what I mean. And 0:21:54.960 --> 0:21:57.679 when you really want to be and you're really trying, 0:21:58.800 --> 0:22:02.200 you get it. Do you understand like, oh, this is 0:22:02.280 --> 0:22:05.520 what it feels like. Yeah, like okay, I can't expect 0:22:05.600 --> 0:22:09.040 this from somebody else. This isn't realistic. No, it's true. 0:22:09.119 --> 0:22:11.479 I mean, that's that's how it happened for me. Hannah. 0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:14.600 I have to look at my sem and go, boo, 0:22:14.760 --> 0:22:21.840 you ain't everything because you ain't everything on it. Yeah, 0:22:21.880 --> 0:22:26.200 we gotta gotta wed you gotta. I had to really 0:22:26.320 --> 0:22:29.840 look at what I am and what I am not. Yes, 0:22:30.840 --> 0:22:32.920 all right, well we're gonna bring the fishball ever figut 0:22:33.000 --> 0:22:42.000 you out here? Thank you, sir. Good. So this is 0:22:42.040 --> 0:22:46.360 from LaToya from Detroit, Jada, Willow and gam Have any 0:22:46.400 --> 0:22:52.000 of you been to therapy? Yeah? Yeah, that's yeah. Collective 0:22:53.280 --> 0:22:58.160 we've been to Yeah, couples therapy, individual therapy, any kind 0:22:58.200 --> 0:23:01.359 of therapy. Yeah, we believe in therapy in this very 0:23:01.880 --> 0:23:06.240 we do therapyrapy has been very very helpful, very helpful, 0:23:06.359 --> 0:23:11.840 So we believe in it. Finding the right one, finding 0:23:11.880 --> 0:23:15.159 the right one. A Lista from Atlanta, Willow. Do you 0:23:15.280 --> 0:23:21.560 identify with Common's daughter Amy? I do? I do? Um. 0:23:22.960 --> 0:23:26.960 I mean, obviously lives are different and your relationship with 0:23:27.040 --> 0:23:30.600 her is different than everything, but I can definitely relate 0:23:30.720 --> 0:23:34.720 to that feeling of like all of the success and 0:23:34.920 --> 0:23:37.920 the and the touring, like what will it take for 0:23:38.000 --> 0:23:41.160 me to get what I need from you? Like? Am 0:23:41.200 --> 0:23:55.280 I not enough? That is? That is okay? Brianna from Portland, Oregon, Common, 0:23:55.640 --> 0:23:59.560 I loved you and Angela as a couple. I've seen 0:23:59.600 --> 0:24:03.440 the two you together recently are YouTube back together. You 0:24:03.600 --> 0:24:07.480 don't have to answer them, We'll look and I answer 0:24:07.600 --> 0:24:11.080 this by saying I am dating and I have a 0:24:11.200 --> 0:24:22.359 great companion and that companion could be that present. Right. Yes, nice, 0:24:22.560 --> 0:24:27.560 Thank you so much so much. I love doing this. 0:24:27.760 --> 0:24:31.440