Speaker 1: Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the
Speaker 1: Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the
Speaker 1: Facebook watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review
Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts. On this Red Table Talk, He's won
Speaker 1: an Oscar and Emmy, a Golden Globe, and three Grammys
Speaker 1: for his groundbreaking lyricism comment. He's taking a seat at
Speaker 1: the table to share how he overcame the obstacles that
Speaker 1: kept him from healing and finding real love. I was
Speaker 1: in a breakup and the breakup was it was a
Speaker 1: psycho repeating for me. I was like, man, why do
Speaker 1: I keep doing this? How do I keep getting put
Speaker 1: in this position? In his memoir Let Love Have the
Speaker 1: Last Word, Common reveals how painful conversations with his family
Speaker 1: forced him to make a drastic change. My daughter Mayer
Speaker 1: confronted me and I was hurt and I was mad too.
Speaker 1: And he's ready to answer our most burning question. I
Speaker 1: would like to be a d what's your ideal woman comments? Ladies,
Speaker 1: listen up, we are about to meet Common. One of
Speaker 1: the reasons why I wanted him to come to the
Speaker 1: table was because there were definitely specific things in his
Speaker 1: story that were very relatable to my story. You know,
Speaker 1: I was raised by a single mother. Yeah, and he
Speaker 1: had bouts with excessive drinking like I did. For it
Speaker 1: seems like for similar reasons. And also I've been on
Speaker 1: the search of the meaning of love as well. There's
Speaker 1: the relationship with his daughter that is very parallel to
Speaker 1: the experience that you and Daddy had. Exactly. One of
Speaker 1: the conversations we've been having in our house is the
Speaker 1: idea of men. Your dad included making the distinction between
Speaker 1: providing for their family versus caring for their family. Right,
Speaker 1: Usually those men are not really caring about how they
Speaker 1: feel in that case, they're not thinking about how the
Speaker 1: people around them. I feel for man when when he's
Speaker 1: challenged by his daughter, it makes him have to look
Speaker 1: at things in a different way, you know. So I
Speaker 1: really related to his to his book, Well, let's you know,
Speaker 1: let's just bring them on out coming at real Good
Speaker 1: to see you again. I'm so glad to have you here.
Speaker 1: I was really moved by your book, and one of
Speaker 1: the major things in your book that moved me was
Speaker 1: repairing your relationship with your daughter. Because we had a
Speaker 1: bit of that and in that house, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean in regards to will just thought winning, He
Speaker 1: thought providing was enough, you know, until one day Willow
Speaker 1: was just like, this is what was that conversation? What
Speaker 1: was it? I don't even think it was a conversation.
Speaker 1: I think it was me choosing to just be like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't want to do that. I can't do this
Speaker 1: anyway right, like that's doing the whip, the hair and
Speaker 1: all of that kind of stuff. It took her and
Speaker 1: that relationship for him to stop and have to reevaluate
Speaker 1: what is love. But my daughter Mayer confronted me because
Speaker 1: it was like a late night call, so I thought
Speaker 1: I was like getting a call that was like, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm a cool dad, Like it was like two in
Speaker 1: the morning. I actually had to start a film the
Speaker 1: next day, so I was like, I'm gonna call you back,
Speaker 1: let's talk to are. And she called me right back like, yo,
Speaker 1: you don't even care, you don't even see why I
Speaker 1: was at you. And it really it shook me for
Speaker 1: a minute because I was like, wait, what what are
Speaker 1: you talking about? You know I don't and no, mother
Speaker 1: and I weren't together, so it was becoming a fight
Speaker 1: to be able to know. And then so eventually that
Speaker 1: conversation turned into her saying you weren't there for me,
Speaker 1: you didn't fight for me as a father. It made
Speaker 1: me feel like defensive. I was hurt and I was
Speaker 1: mad too, because I'm like, you really believe some of
Speaker 1: this stuff. What I really learned was like and after
Speaker 1: I got past my own ego and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: got that, I said, look, you're right, I didn't fight
Speaker 1: and I had to acknowledge that, and and I just
Speaker 1: need to listen to her because this is what she's
Speaker 1: feeling like, no matter what I think I've done, and
Speaker 1: this and that, like, this is how she feels. And
Speaker 1: and that was like one of those Heavens open moments
Speaker 1: of me understanding how to apply love or like how
Speaker 1: to and the way that it looked for her. Because
Speaker 1: I'm sure you believed you were doing your thing, that
Speaker 1: you're a good dad. No, I definitely believe that's probably
Speaker 1: why you're upset because you're like, wait, I thought everything
Speaker 1: was fine. What's happening? Yeah, but I mean you know
Speaker 1: something you just said, Jada too is like I didn't
Speaker 1: grow up necessarily with my father, right, So a lot
Speaker 1: of ways I learned to be a man is from
Speaker 1: my homies and like other father figures, and to provide
Speaker 1: and protect was the two most important things that we
Speaker 1: but they've been passed down from generation we learned, right,
Speaker 1: and I'm a caring individual, but I had to get
Speaker 1: past beyond just like providing and protecting because of love
Speaker 1: is an action word. That's what I've been really like,
Speaker 1: It's an action word. So it's like that type of
Speaker 1: understanding and just paying attention is what we weren't equipped with,
Speaker 1: like we had that, you know exactly. And I think
Speaker 1: that that's the that's the most important aspect of it
Speaker 1: is if you're not allowed to like look at yourself
Speaker 1: and feel your emotions like as deeply as you need
Speaker 1: to feel them, you're you're never gonna truly understand how
Speaker 1: to communicate your emotions to other people and how to
Speaker 1: and how to emote. You know, when you put stuff
Speaker 1: out on the table, you put the truth out there,
Speaker 1: it strengthens the relationship, you know. It's like Moya was
Speaker 1: harboring those feelings because she felt like, well, I didn't
Speaker 1: always have my dad here, so if I tell him
Speaker 1: some stuff he did wrong, then I'm them less. Once
Speaker 1: she was able to put it out, she felt liberated
Speaker 1: and free and now she's more secure and the fact that, yo,
Speaker 1: you can tell your dad whatever you need to tell them,
Speaker 1: and the love is going to be there. We had
Speaker 1: our own therapy session together because she was smart. She
Speaker 1: was smart about She was like, Dad, we for this
Speaker 1: book come out. We need to resolve this because she
Speaker 1: said that. So we've been doing really great overall. She
Speaker 1: just graduated from how our university. There was one aspect
Speaker 1: of the book I'm very interested in why you decided
Speaker 1: to reveal. I saw The Tale and it was a
Speaker 1: really difficult movie to watch, you know, it was really
Speaker 1: it was rough. It's about a young woman who her
Speaker 1: mother finds her diaries and realizes that she had been molests,
Speaker 1: really raped. Yeah, so the writer directors the the woman
Speaker 1: where it happens, so it was her story. Then the
Speaker 1: movie was starring Laura Dern and I was in the
Speaker 1: films playing her husband. While we were rehearsing, we were
Speaker 1: talking about sexual abuse and going through some things, and
Speaker 1: you know, it popped in my mind and it was
Speaker 1: strange because if I never had this thought but that
Speaker 1: I was sexually abused, that I was molested, but I
Speaker 1: had locked it out of my mind and until I
Speaker 1: got to that film was the first time I faced
Speaker 1: it since the night that that that I was molested. UM.
Speaker 1: That was like nine years old and it was by
Speaker 1: my cousin's guy brother. So it was a difficult situation
Speaker 1: for me to grasp onto UM and I started working
Speaker 1: through it. Where let's say, what's interesting is that in
Speaker 1: the book, you don't consider yourself a victim. Now why
Speaker 1: is that? Well, I don't feel a victim because I
Speaker 1: see myself as somebody who overcame that situation. I brought
Speaker 1: it up in the book because it was like me
Speaker 1: really doing my best to show what forgiveness can be about.
Speaker 1: And though I'm still in that process, that was the
Speaker 1: core of what I wanted to achieve. I want to
Speaker 1: get into like this level of forgiveness, you know, like
Speaker 1: I needed to forgive for myself so I can move forward, right,
Speaker 1: And I talked about it also because we as black men,
Speaker 1: black people don't talk about sexual abuse in our communities
Speaker 1: and because it's taboo, and it's like you don't want
Speaker 1: that uncle or that cousin to look bad. The family,
Speaker 1: don't want the person to look bad, But what about
Speaker 1: the child that's been effective? And then a child feels
Speaker 1: like they can't say nothing, they can't talk about it.
Speaker 1: How did your family feel and finding out, like your daughter,
Speaker 1: your mother about what you had been through. My mother
Speaker 1: took a little time to process it. Like when I
Speaker 1: first told her, she was in shock a little bit.
Speaker 1: She was a principal, so she knew about it happening
Speaker 1: to a lot of kids in her school, but to
Speaker 1: have it happen her own child, so that shocked up.
Speaker 1: But we didn't talk much about it for a second.
Speaker 1: And then she just recently told me that she really
Speaker 1: was like sad at one point about it. Then she
Speaker 1: felt guilty at one point, but she's like, man, I'm
Speaker 1: glad you're talking about this. But my daughter was Amy
Speaker 1: was really proud. She was like, this really happened to you.
Speaker 1: I was like yeah, And that's when she started process.
Speaker 1: She was like, man, you you know, I really am
Speaker 1: proud of you for you know, when she when your
Speaker 1: daughter tell you proud, you feel that all right? Good? Good?
Speaker 1: You know? So yeah I know that. Also, um therapy,
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, And I think in the book you
Speaker 1: said you started going to therapy in what was that
Speaker 1: feeling or that moment that that made you Because I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you I made you make that decision. I
Speaker 1: remember hitting up to that yeah rock bottom where it
Speaker 1: was like, hey, look I'm about to kill myself. Somebody back,
Speaker 1: come help me. So what what was that feeling that
Speaker 1: made you decide like, all right, I gotta I gotta
Speaker 1: talk to somebody. I was in a breakup and I
Speaker 1: was like the breakup was it was a psycho repeating
Speaker 1: for me, Like I felt like I was like, man,
Speaker 1: why do I keep doing this? How do I keep
Speaker 1: getting put in this position or put myself in this position?
Speaker 1: My acting coach she was like, I think you need
Speaker 1: to talked to Susan, who was a therapist that I
Speaker 1: sent people to. She's really good. And I was kind
Speaker 1: of still in the mode of like, I'm open to
Speaker 1: trying a lot of things to work on myself, don't
Speaker 1: get me wrong, But I wasn't all the way there yet.
Speaker 1: And I remember it was strange because I was in
Speaker 1: the car with w A. Moyer and we were about
Speaker 1: to fly somewhere and I had to get in the
Speaker 1: back seat to talk in private to the to the therapist.
Speaker 1: But I needed it right then and there, like because
Speaker 1: I was going through a pain that was just like
Speaker 1: I gotta get this off me so I could be
Speaker 1: better for myself, for a moyer, for everything that I'm doing.
Speaker 1: So that was the the catalysts, yeah, to get me there.
Speaker 1: But as soon as I talked, I was like, man,
Speaker 1: this is I felt. The healing happened as the conversation
Speaker 1: was going, and I felt like things I was learning
Speaker 1: about myself that I didn't no. I had the bad
Speaker 1: you know, the wounds that I was carrying. I needed
Speaker 1: to know those things so I can identify them and
Speaker 1: like really say, man, if I want to quit your cycle,
Speaker 1: I can make the change. What you said something very
Speaker 1: interesting in your book. You said I had no real
Speaker 1: memories of my parents loving each other, and our parents
Speaker 1: are the first lovers we observe in our lives, so
Speaker 1: I would think that on a lot of levels. And
Speaker 1: trying to learn how to love a woman or learn
Speaker 1: how to love a child, you know, it's it's difficult
Speaker 1: because you're right, it's like we're not giving a lot
Speaker 1: of examples, you know, and let let me. It's like, man,
Speaker 1: my mother gave me all the love she could, but
Speaker 1: some of that love was even pain too, because of
Speaker 1: her and my father not being together, and that struggle,
Speaker 1: especially with mother's son connections that a mother, like a
Speaker 1: single mother, sometimes will put the responsibility of the husband
Speaker 1: onto the to the young boy, to the child, and
Speaker 1: the child is like, man, he's trying to do his best,
Speaker 1: but he can't do what a husband could do, like
Speaker 1: just provide the emotional energy and love and that um,
Speaker 1: you know that eventually transfers into like kind of like
Speaker 1: an intimacy avoidance or something because you feel you feel
Speaker 1: the pressure. Yeah, And so any time that show up
Speaker 1: in a relationship and you don't know it's from the past,
Speaker 1: you're like, I don't want this, feel this, This feel
Speaker 1: familiar in a bad way. It's so deep because I've
Speaker 1: heard a lot of men raised by single mothers the
Speaker 1: difficulty of in the fear of having deep intimate relationships
Speaker 1: because of feeling like they're going to get swallowed, they're
Speaker 1: going to lose their their controls. Yeah. Yeah, and the mothers,
Speaker 1: you know, they don't know that, they're just trying to
Speaker 1: offer their love. Like I've been in situations where I've
Speaker 1: been in a good relationship but the woman she needed
Speaker 1: certain things, and I felt like it was becoming too mother. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was too much, and I was like, I didn't
Speaker 1: know how to communicate that. Yeah, it reminded me of
Speaker 1: my mother. I need to identify it's really happening, and
Speaker 1: if it is, I should be able to communicate that
Speaker 1: and say the things I need. But that takes the evolution,
Speaker 1: as you were saying, Willow, just to being able to
Speaker 1: know what your emotions are, identifying them, and be able
Speaker 1: to communicate that to somebody in a relationship. That's something
Speaker 1: to give men more freedom to do that, like just
Speaker 1: from the get go. And that's what the therapist help me.
Speaker 1: When I'm like, black people, let's use therapy. Man's I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not telling everybody like it's the only solution,
Speaker 1: but there's so many tools out there for us to hear.
Speaker 1: We're talking about the things that we've carried over through generations.
Speaker 1: Therapy is one of those things from a personal level
Speaker 1: to a generational level where you can hear I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell you what was deep too. I'm gonna tell you
Speaker 1: there was a line I'll tell you there's a lot
Speaker 1: in the book when you said you said that you
Speaker 1: thought love was desired, right, yes, you know, willing, I
Speaker 1: would have lots of conversations about trying to differentiate a
Speaker 1: man stealing desire being the meaning of love. That's the
Speaker 1: real thing that we as men really identify that as
Speaker 1: being a love thing. When you're like yearning for this
Speaker 1: person and it's it's but you get that feeling and
Speaker 1: you want that feeling, and that's something that I really
Speaker 1: used to like really think like, Okay, that tingle in
Speaker 1: my stomach is what I want and that's why I
Speaker 1: kept seeking that, and I know that that felt good.
Speaker 1: But then you were getting these relationships and once the
Speaker 1: once the tingle started to fade, you go deep. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I think I think that was one issue
Speaker 1: for sure for me. When that in love or honeymoon
Speaker 1: whatever we all call it phase goes, I was like,
Speaker 1: this don't feel as good, and I would start coming
Speaker 1: up with excuses on why the relationship is not gonna work. Like, man,
Speaker 1: when I'm in relationships, I don't do work as well.
Speaker 1: I used to actually telling myself that, like my albums
Speaker 1: are not as good, I don't focusing yeah for real,
Speaker 1: And I really believed it, you know, but it was
Speaker 1: just a matter of like getting past those walls I
Speaker 1: had within myself to do the work like be like
Speaker 1: I didn't know what those walls were. And like the
Speaker 1: therapist I work with, Susan, she was one of the
Speaker 1: important things she said to me was like when I
Speaker 1: was chasing for certain things or you know, like yearning
Speaker 1: that feeling, she was like, remember you got guys loving you.
Speaker 1: I love Phil. You gotta remember like that. That really
Speaker 1: helped ground me because it's like some of this stuff
Speaker 1: I'm chasing, what am I doing? I read in the
Speaker 1: book also that like myself, I was an excessive drinker
Speaker 1: as well, you know, and I realized that part of
Speaker 1: that was just needing to have that extreme feeling. You. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I knew that I had to stop doing that, but
Speaker 1: for you specifically, like how did you really just focus yourself?
Speaker 1: For me, I started it by changing my diet, right,
Speaker 1: that's one of our biggest addictions that we don't like
Speaker 1: American American don't talk about this food. But once I
Speaker 1: saw I was able to not eat certain foods, that
Speaker 1: showed me that I had the willpower to stop like
Speaker 1: chasing girls as much like that was that was my
Speaker 1: entry before I even knew it was an entry, that
Speaker 1: was my entry, and then it just became what is
Speaker 1: adding onto my life? Like if I go answer this
Speaker 1: girl who texting me saying, oh you want to hang out?
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah, is this aligned with my overall purpose?
Speaker 1: And and you know what is your real intention? My
Speaker 1: intention is my attention and yo, I don't want to
Speaker 1: hurt anybody else. I don't want to extract energy from
Speaker 1: me that I don't want to give away. So I
Speaker 1: just started identifying those things and disciplined myself. But it
Speaker 1: started with food and then it kind of rolled over
Speaker 1: to alcohol where I could be like, Okay, I ain't
Speaker 1: gonna drink as much. I still had my little time.
Speaker 1: I work hard. I'm like, oh blah, come out to
Speaker 1: get nice right right now. You said in the book
Speaker 1: also that you've accomplished everything, but that you're not a husband. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's all. And the fact that you want to
Speaker 1: be a husband. Yeah, I would like to be a husband.
Speaker 1: I think. You know, for a long time I was
Speaker 1: in and out with that, like do I really want
Speaker 1: to be a husband or am I doing this because
Speaker 1: this is what society says to So why do you
Speaker 1: want to be a husband. Now now, I think I
Speaker 1: just want that partnership to be able to experience life
Speaker 1: where I'm like growing as a human being and like
Speaker 1: kind of just spark each other. Um And to us
Speaker 1: it's fun too, it's fun at times, you know, I
Speaker 1: know it's hard. Also, I mean you talk about this fun.
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, yeah, He's like, yeah, it's fun. It is.
Speaker 1: You can tell me the positives and well, the positives
Speaker 1: are having a partner to um because life is about growth.
Speaker 1: One of the things about life, partnerships, marriages is that
Speaker 1: you you will grow exponentially. But it's a struggle because
Speaker 1: it digs into your most intimate, deepest insecurities, insecurities, triggers
Speaker 1: and fears. Tell me, do you feel like, what other
Speaker 1: way would you have grown as much? That's the thing
Speaker 1: that wouldn't have But that's the thing you do find
Speaker 1: a deeper love you have to in order to survive
Speaker 1: and being a happy union, right, yeah, and deeper. So
Speaker 1: if love is your journey, I do believe being in
Speaker 1: the union is the best way to do it. But
Speaker 1: it's a struggle. Well, that's what you have to And
Speaker 1: I've been saying this over and over aga you have
Speaker 1: to have the freedom to create a union that works
Speaker 1: for you, constricted by necessarily the social people. That's that's
Speaker 1: what you envision for yourself. But you and your partner
Speaker 1: have to be clear on what you want out of
Speaker 1: that relationship and also being flexible within that and knowing
Speaker 1: that it's gonna change, right, Because but I do believe
Speaker 1: that there has to be a purpose. That's why when
Speaker 1: I believe that people get married because of their love
Speaker 1: for God, I'm like, that's a good purpose, right. People
Speaker 1: get married because for family. That's a good purpose because
Speaker 1: along the way, you are going to need something other
Speaker 1: than the two of you that is gonna have you
Speaker 1: found family. Okay, so what are you looking for in
Speaker 1: a woman? What's what's your idea a woman? Comments? Ladies,
Speaker 1: listen up, I like a woman that's definitely a spirituality
Speaker 1: to it. Fun. Yeah, so that means sense of humor, Yeah,
Speaker 1: sense of human right this weekend becauld I need that
Speaker 1: in my life. I love you know, I like to crazy.
Speaker 1: I want a friend to like that that I can
Speaker 1: share those things with. And I know I got to
Speaker 1: do my part. I'm just talking about what I want
Speaker 1: to Yeah, but I want to grow like I learned it.
Speaker 1: You know, as long as you got some things in
Speaker 1: your listen, you know what you want, You're not gonna
Speaker 1: get everything because I'm not perfect, So neither would that
Speaker 1: person be perfect? Right right, Yo, you're not gonna get
Speaker 1: it all. You got that lesson, Willow, I mean just
Speaker 1: for me. I got that lesson because I can't be
Speaker 1: everything for one person, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 1: when you really want to be and you're really trying,
Speaker 1: you get it. Do you understand like, oh, this is
Speaker 1: what it feels like. Yeah, like okay, I can't expect
Speaker 1: this from somebody else. This isn't realistic. No, it's true.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's that's how it happened for me. Hannah.
Speaker 1: I have to look at my sem and go, boo,
Speaker 1: you ain't everything because you ain't everything on it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we gotta gotta wed you gotta. I had to really
Speaker 1: look at what I am and what I am not. Yes,
Speaker 1: all right, well we're gonna bring the fishball ever figut
Speaker 1: you out here? Thank you, sir. Good. So this is
Speaker 1: from LaToya from Detroit, Jada, Willow and gam Have any
Speaker 1: of you been to therapy? Yeah? Yeah, that's yeah. Collective
Speaker 1: we've been to Yeah, couples therapy, individual therapy, any kind
Speaker 1: of therapy. Yeah, we believe in therapy in this very
Speaker 1: we do therapyrapy has been very very helpful, very helpful,
Speaker 1: So we believe in it. Finding the right one, finding
Speaker 1: the right one. A Lista from Atlanta, Willow. Do you
Speaker 1: identify with Common's daughter Amy? I do? I do? Um.
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously lives are different and your relationship with
Speaker 1: her is different than everything, but I can definitely relate
Speaker 1: to that feeling of like all of the success and
Speaker 1: the and the touring, like what will it take for
Speaker 1: me to get what I need from you? Like? Am
Speaker 1: I not enough? That is? That is okay? Brianna from Portland, Oregon, Common,
Speaker 1: I loved you and Angela as a couple. I've seen
Speaker 1: the two you together recently are YouTube back together. You
Speaker 1: don't have to answer them, We'll look and I answer
Speaker 1: this by saying I am dating and I have a
Speaker 1: great companion and that companion could be that present. Right. Yes, nice,
Speaker 1: Thank you so much so much. I love doing this.
Speaker 1: I really appreciate you on what you all dope. This
Speaker 1: was food for the song. It really was good. On
Speaker 1: our next red table talk, meet a married couple and
Speaker 1: their girlfriend. Thomas and I were in open relationship after
Speaker 1: one year of meeting each other. Definitely, sex is part
Speaker 1: of it, but it's not the first thing. It's a
Speaker 1: three way relationship called a truffle. I'm not doing it
Speaker 1: to be like, oh look at me because of the sex.
Speaker 1: It's nothing to do with it, and that's what men
Speaker 1: think it is, and I hate it. Jada and Gamey,
Speaker 1: have you ever been interested in being in a thruffle? Hell? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm trying to stay open minded, but
Speaker 1: my gut tells me this is a bunch of fracking apple.
Speaker 1: There you go. It's a generational show called the Red Table.
Speaker 1: All right, all right, we're gonna do this little good
Speaker 1: swipe up. You want to do it? Well, I mean
Speaker 1: you do you do it? Ah, you sit right there.
Speaker 1: We're just gonna talk. Yeah. Hey, r t T family.
Speaker 1: Join our Red Table Talk group on Facebook become part
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Speaker 1: to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast produced by
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