WEBVTT - Ep. 18 "Lets Talk About Sex Baby" with Dr. Donna Oriowo 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:06.400 Talk. We're just too unapologetically black women with an opinion. 0:00:06.960 --> 0:00:13.680 Who talks back? What's up? Is your girl? A j 0:00:15.040 --> 0:00:25.120 It's Cam Brown, I'm somebody else today and we talked back. Stupid. 0:00:26.079 --> 0:00:32.519 We got some good stuff today, understand. Last time, I'm 0:00:32.560 --> 0:00:37.400 trying to get some free therapy today. Yes, that's what 0:00:37.440 --> 0:00:39.879 I'm talking about. Any time we have a doctor of anything, 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:45.839 I'm trying to take advantage of them. Yeah. We got 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:52.400 Dr Oreo Woe. She's a sex therapist and we're gonna 0:00:52.440 --> 0:00:57.520 be talking to her about sex basically, so not to 0:00:57.560 --> 0:01:03.200 be confused with a sex x or a sexpert um 0:01:03.280 --> 0:01:07.480 from all she says, it's like basically kind of right, yeah, yeah, 0:01:07.720 --> 0:01:12.120 but she is also a sexpert yep. So let's get 0:01:12.160 --> 0:01:14.800 into a girl because I'm excited to know if I'm 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:26.800 doing it right. And we're live. Hey, Dr Donna Oreo 0:01:27.240 --> 0:01:30.320 WHOA is on the show. Everybody, this is we talk 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:36.720 back and it's a j A and Dodger. Donna is 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:40.880 a sex therapist and she's gonna talk to us about 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:45.080 some we got crazy questions for you, especially Agent. So 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:51.280 first we want to congratulate you on your double masters 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:55.280 and your PhD. Girl Round of applause for you since yes, 0:01:59.000 --> 0:02:02.440 for real talking to us and our listeners about what 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:06.600 motivated you to get into sex therapy. People kept telling 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:11.679 me their business, like I need to getting in in Yeah, 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:14.639 I'm like, people kept on telling me their business. Um. 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:17.760 And more than that, I felt like sex should not 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:20.320 be a taboo because I'm looking at all the people. 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:23.240 I'm looking like somebody had sex just so you could 0:02:23.240 --> 0:02:27.040 be here. Thanks. So I'm just like, but why are 0:02:27.080 --> 0:02:31.760 we keeping it a secrets. We celebrate pregnancies, we celebrate births, 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:33.679 but we don't want to talk about what lived to 0:02:33.760 --> 0:02:37.800 Those things don't make any sense. I'm a pleasure over here. 0:02:38.360 --> 0:02:44.040 So just talking about sex just seemed like a natural, 0:02:44.120 --> 0:02:47.760 normal thing, especially as it relates to mental health and 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:50.720 and talking about it with black women in particular, I 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:52.880 have to talk about how color resum and textures and 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:56.359 impact their mental and sexual health. So I got into 0:02:56.400 --> 0:02:58.440 it because I feel like I in some ways I 0:02:58.480 --> 0:03:01.160 fell into it. Um. I was very much into the 0:03:01.200 --> 0:03:04.679 mental health side of things, just wanting people to live 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:09.200 their best life as it were, but integrated. And I 0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:12.240 saw Meet the Fockers and I was like, wait, it'sex 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:14.800 therapy real so I went and looked it up and 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:18.760 it was and I was like, well, all right, let 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:20.520 me figure out where I get gonna get some more 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:23.120 this education so that I can be prepared to do 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:25.840 the work that people had already sort of thrust me 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:30.200 and by giving me all they did. So if I said, Okay, 0:03:30.240 --> 0:03:34.440 I'm starting up today to have a sex therapy session, 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:37.160 what would like what does that consist of? Because am 0:03:37.160 --> 0:03:40.000 I gonna be so awhere like you teach me Bandana 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:41.960 how to suck dick? Or what? What is it like? 0:03:42.000 --> 0:03:43.800 What is it look like? Yeah, because I think a 0:03:43.800 --> 0:03:47.600 lot of people confuse sex expert with a sex with 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:50.160 sex therapists. I don't think you need any education to 0:03:50.240 --> 0:03:57.160 be well, any formal institutionalized education to be a sex expert, right, 0:03:57.960 --> 0:04:01.240 versus a sex therapist where you have to get an education, right. 0:04:01.800 --> 0:04:05.280 I mean, honestly, it runs the gamut um depending on 0:04:05.520 --> 0:04:07.480 why you're going to sex therapy in the first place. 0:04:07.520 --> 0:04:10.880 So for some folks it's straight sex therapy looks a 0:04:10.960 --> 0:04:14.840 lot more like, Okay, we're having some issues around sex 0:04:14.920 --> 0:04:17.920 and we are trying to resolve those issues. Um. Sometimes 0:04:17.960 --> 0:04:20.760 it's high sex drive, low sex drive. Sometimes it really 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:25.000 is just like mechanics and UM. For that, I end up, 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:29.480 I'll refer out to a sex coach. Okay, I can 0:04:29.520 --> 0:04:33.240 teach mechanics, but that's not my lane, and I'm just 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:37.920 like I'm I'm stick to my lane. UM. But for 0:04:38.000 --> 0:04:42.200 sex therapy. More times when people think they need sex therapy, 0:04:42.240 --> 0:04:44.119 but that's not actually what they need. What they need 0:04:44.279 --> 0:04:46.840 is communication therapy because they don't talk to each other well. 0:04:47.400 --> 0:04:51.840 So I'm seeing UM, particularly UM couples and those in relationships. 0:04:52.120 --> 0:04:55.640 It's more that they've had so many communication mishaps that 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:58.880 they can't even communicate about sex anymore. There's a lot 0:04:58.880 --> 0:05:02.080 of pressure on it. They don't know how to engage 0:05:02.360 --> 0:05:06.120 intimately with one another outside of sex. So it's sort 0:05:06.160 --> 0:05:10.000 of rebuilding bridges and rebuilding trust and getting them back 0:05:10.040 --> 0:05:12.600 into a space where they feel like they can have 0:05:12.720 --> 0:05:16.640 the sex life that they want. UM. Where it comes 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:20.359 to the mechanics of it all. I mean, most of 0:05:20.360 --> 0:05:23.200 my clients don't get to the mechanics because let me 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:26.239 tell you that they already know how to have sex 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:29.279 that's pleasurable and great and all that for them, but 0:05:30.040 --> 0:05:32.479 it's it's not pleasurable because they don't know how to talk. 0:05:33.320 --> 0:05:36.480 So once we get past the communication barriers and then 0:05:36.560 --> 0:05:38.000 well I don't really want to have sex with you 0:05:38.080 --> 0:05:40.039 because I don't like you no more type of stuff. 0:05:40.080 --> 0:05:44.159 Once we get past that, um, they don't actually need 0:05:44.279 --> 0:05:47.599 the mechanics talk. But if it does come down to mechanics, 0:05:47.640 --> 0:05:50.320 because I do deal in some virgins as well, they 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:53.359 come on in a sex therapy to um, then we 0:05:53.440 --> 0:05:56.320 might be learning like, Okay, how do you suck that, 0:05:56.520 --> 0:05:59.720 how do you ride there? How do you do all 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:05.720 of the things, and that's watch this video over here, 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:07.640 and then we'll come back and we'll talk about it. 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:10.760 Because usually there's other feelings that come up when they're 0:06:10.800 --> 0:06:13.640 even learning that stuff because they're like, oh, well, now 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:16.680 I feel badly because you know, I was raised Christian, 0:06:16.880 --> 0:06:19.600 or I was raised this, I was raised that, and 0:06:19.720 --> 0:06:22.560 it goes against what I was told I'm supposed to 0:06:22.600 --> 0:06:24.760 do or what I feel like I should be allowed 0:06:24.839 --> 0:06:27.720 to do. So now we're having a completely different discussion. 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:30.240 It ends up being about how we think and feel 0:06:30.440 --> 0:06:34.160 about sex more than the act of sex itself. But yeah, 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:36.200 I'm not like I'm for people to ask good y'all 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:45.920 the time, goody god glasses classes videology. So all right, 0:06:46.040 --> 0:06:48.720 I had this boyfriend one time and it didn't last long. 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:51.480 And you tell me, did we need a sex therapist 0:06:51.600 --> 0:06:55.760 or a sex expert or both? So we had we 0:06:55.760 --> 0:06:58.760 were very we got among really well everything, Like we 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:01.040 walk in the door and be pasted, giving me out 0:07:01.040 --> 0:07:03.479 of my clothes. We're just kissing, falling all over the 0:07:03.520 --> 0:07:07.640 wall and ship. And as soon as we started having sex, 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:10.400 I mean, it's over in two minutes. I mean maybe 0:07:10.400 --> 0:07:13.800 not even two minutes. I mean it's over fast. And 0:07:13.880 --> 0:07:16.040 I you know, I know my pussy is really good. 0:07:16.320 --> 0:07:18.360 So I just got it at first, like oh, maybe 0:07:18.360 --> 0:07:20.320 he just needs to get used to this magic, this 0:07:20.480 --> 0:07:24.280 sunshine I got. So we had sex three different times 0:07:24.600 --> 0:07:27.200 and it was the same thing every time. So I'm like, 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:29.320 all right, this is a problem because I'm not being 0:07:30.080 --> 0:07:32.760 please here. You know, the four play is amazing, but 0:07:32.800 --> 0:07:35.240 the sex is just too short. So I sat him 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:39.240 down and I said to him, like, all right, this 0:07:39.320 --> 0:07:42.080 is gonna be an uncomfortable conversation for both of us, 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:44.440 but I need to say these things to you because 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:48.760 I care about you and I really like you. And 0:07:48.800 --> 0:07:53.160 I was like, before you get done, I'm just getting started. 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:55.640 I mean, once you're done, I'm just getting started, like 0:07:55.720 --> 0:07:59.320 you come too fast. So he got up from the couch, 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:02.880 walk to the kitchen, pour himself a glass of water. 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:04.840 He didn't say. Now we're just sitting there in silence. 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:08.120 I didn't say a word. And then he took a 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:10.520 civil water and he said, I ain't never had a 0:08:10.520 --> 0:08:12.880 beach say no ship like that to me before. That 0:08:13.040 --> 0:08:16.520 was his response, and got his keys and walked down. 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:22.600 He was so embarrassed. I go with before the fall. Um, 0:08:23.680 --> 0:08:30.080 for me, that's sex therapy. That's sex therapy, not sex expert. Right. Well, 0:08:31.080 --> 0:08:33.600 I mean I'm still a sexpert, right and anyone who 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:36.760 is a sex therapist is a sexpert. So it's not um, 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:39.800 it's not a one or the other in that way. Um. 0:08:40.040 --> 0:08:45.440 Could he may have review some coaching more than likely, yes, Um, 0:08:45.520 --> 0:08:48.640 but some of that would be sex therapy. Some of 0:08:48.640 --> 0:08:52.400 that falls under sex therapy period. So Number one, like, 0:08:52.480 --> 0:08:55.160 what does he think he knows about sex and sexuality? 0:08:55.160 --> 0:08:57.680 How does he talk about sex and sexuality? Clearly not 0:08:57.840 --> 0:09:02.560 very well. If having someone gently give him feedback hurts 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:04.760 that much, that looking like that the first time he 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:09.480 heard it, He's fine, Yeah, and do we blame. Do 0:09:09.600 --> 0:09:11.720 we blame him, or do we blame or do we 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:14.360 blame tam for being honest? Or do we blame the 0:09:14.440 --> 0:09:16.720 women prior to her that just let him go on 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:19.040 thinking he was knocking to bottom out that pussy like 0:09:19.080 --> 0:09:24.520 and you ain't doing nothing like I'm so pro pleasure 0:09:24.559 --> 0:09:27.040 that I'm not We're not faking work. I'm thinking for 0:09:27.200 --> 0:09:31.840 years this I was sorry, says but that stuff should 0:09:31.840 --> 0:09:35.560 have been less than two thousand nine. Do you think 0:09:35.559 --> 0:09:37.880 that thousand nine? It should not be a thing of 0:09:38.000 --> 0:09:41.720 now faking it? Lying you are setting the next woman 0:09:41.800 --> 0:09:45.600 up for additional work or the next person up traditional work, 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:48.040 because now they gotta be like, look, your sex is 0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:53.640 actually whack. It's like wiggedy wiggedy whack um. And I 0:09:53.679 --> 0:09:56.959 think that you can learn. But whoever told you that 0:09:57.040 --> 0:10:00.439 your dick, your dick slanging skills was the best things 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:04.439 since slice reread lies? Who ever told you your head 0:10:04.480 --> 0:10:08.920 game was amazing? Lie? And you know what, maybe they 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:11.280 told the truth for them, but they're not telling the 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:14.280 truth for me. For me, this does not work for 0:10:14.520 --> 0:10:17.440 my body. This is what my body needs. And I 0:10:17.480 --> 0:10:19.480 think that some of it is just learning. Number one 0:10:19.480 --> 0:10:23.040 that we have body diversity, and then in that body diversity, 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:26.640 different things still good for different people. So what you 0:10:26.720 --> 0:10:29.200 did for your last job not gonna work for this one, 0:10:29.440 --> 0:10:32.360 and you have to be okay with that. So you 0:10:32.400 --> 0:10:34.840 have to you have to know that this is like 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:41.200 a job when you go from one time and working 0:10:41.320 --> 0:10:43.839 like so you're a bank teller over at at Chase, 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:45.880 and now you want to go be a bank teller 0:10:45.920 --> 0:10:47.760 at Bank of America. The way that Bank of America 0:10:47.800 --> 0:10:50.480 does things might be different from the Chase, which means 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:52.400 that it is your job. Yes, you have some skills 0:10:52.440 --> 0:10:55.559 and bank tell us stuff, but some of those things 0:10:55.600 --> 0:10:58.000 will be transferable, but you still have to learn the 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:01.280 lay of the land that you're at into. People don't 0:11:01.320 --> 0:11:03.600 want to learn the lay in the land. Instead they 0:11:03.600 --> 0:11:06.200 have been taught that I have to know how to 0:11:06.240 --> 0:11:09.240 have sex, and that would be enough for anybody that 0:11:09.280 --> 0:11:12.079 I have sex with, as opposed to thinking how I 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:15.760 have sex might have to change based on what is 0:11:15.800 --> 0:11:18.839 that I'm with and what actually feels good for There 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:25.120 so many yeah, like men, make sure your woman tells 0:11:25.120 --> 0:11:27.240 you it's good. Don't just assume it isn't until I 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:32.280 tell you it's good. Just assume as not THAT'SI do 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:34.920 you think. I feel like women orgasm is like a 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:38.160 new world. It's like a new thing because I'd like 0:11:38.240 --> 0:11:40.400 to think that if women didn't have the right to vote, 0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:43.000 they didn't have the right to even talk. At some 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:46.320 point where men ever really that concerned about a woman 0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:51.160 coming back then, I want to say it's seven years ago. Okay, now, 0:11:51.200 --> 0:11:54.960 seven years ago. But there definitely was a time where, um, 0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:58.240 there there was a belief that you could only make 0:11:58.320 --> 0:12:02.920 a child if a woman workasm. There was their belief, 0:12:03.040 --> 0:12:08.520 so they would work hard to make sure that orgasms happen. Um, 0:12:08.559 --> 0:12:11.200 there was a time where they called it um they 0:12:11.240 --> 0:12:15.600 said like women had hysteria, and to hysteria, you give 0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:22.400 a woman an orgasm. Right now, I'll be like, that's 0:12:22.480 --> 0:12:26.440 hysterias back again, come on, help me out, let me, 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:33.559 let me not thinking about sex and sexuality in that way. 0:12:33.600 --> 0:12:35.800 I'm like, yeah, there was a time where it was 0:12:36.000 --> 0:12:39.960 very focused on a woman's orgasm. But somewhere along the way, 0:12:40.000 --> 0:12:43.920 patriarchy really did a beautiful number where it's just like, 0:12:44.040 --> 0:12:46.959 well I got mine, you should have got yours. Number one, 0:12:46.960 --> 0:12:50.040 So we're moving it more into a selfish space where 0:12:50.040 --> 0:12:52.960 it's like, well, if I have an orgasm and you 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:57.360 did it, that's your fault. Um, So it's not being 0:12:57.400 --> 0:13:00.240 about mutual pleasure. It's started being about let let me 0:13:00.280 --> 0:13:03.000 get what I can get and fuck you. So when 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:06.240 you move into that space, it's like, well damn. Now. 0:13:06.280 --> 0:13:08.480 That's not to say that everyone is not responsible for 0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:10.959 their orgasms, because I still believe that to be true 0:13:11.000 --> 0:13:15.000 as well. I'm like, you have a responsibility of what 0:13:15.120 --> 0:13:17.200 you need for your body, to communicate it and to 0:13:17.240 --> 0:13:21.079 make sure that you get some as well. But if 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:25.000 your partner is unwilling to sort of meet you where 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:29.680 you are, is unwilling to change up what they're doing 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:32.640 so that you can also experience pleasure. Number one, why 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:37.560 did you choose this back as person? And number you know, 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:42.319 number three and five let them go. Let that, let 0:13:42.360 --> 0:13:47.200 our person go. Like they're not ready. They don't want 0:13:47.520 --> 0:13:51.080 to actually engage insects with you. They're having sexts to you, 0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:55.199 and that's not the same thing. So okay. So one 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:57.600 of the things I wanted to talk about I saw 0:13:57.640 --> 0:13:59.880 one of your videos on YouTube. You were talking about 0:14:00.040 --> 0:14:03.439 how to communicate with your partner about what you would 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:08.679 like with sex. So my guy communicated that he wanted 0:14:08.679 --> 0:14:14.120 to exaculate in my mouth, bust in her mouth every time, 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:17.360 every time. Like so he's like, you know, he wants 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:20.040 to finish that way, and I don't like that. I'm 0:14:20.040 --> 0:14:21.920 not saying that I wouldn't do it. I'm not saying 0:14:21.920 --> 0:14:23.880 that I haven't done it, but to me, like, that's 0:14:23.880 --> 0:14:26.360 something Valentine's Day birthday type ship. You're not just about 0:14:26.400 --> 0:14:28.880 to be slapping me out like you're watching point like 0:14:28.920 --> 0:14:30.960 it's some porn. You know what I'm saying. I like nasty, 0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:33.840 nasty sex. But at the same time, like, no, every time, 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:36.480 I don't like that. Right, So he made a comment 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:37.880 once and he was like, well, if you don't let 0:14:37.920 --> 0:14:41.280 me do it, um no, he said, uh, how a 0:14:41.360 --> 0:14:45.920 woman can't become a girlfriend or a wife without doing that. 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:49.600 That's kind of manipulation a little bit. So I'm like, well, 0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:53.000 I guess I won't be exactly I won't be girlfriend 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:55.960 or wife then, but you end up being pretty much 0:14:56.000 --> 0:15:01.520 both exactly right, But how how do Because my thing 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:04.000 is why do you want to do that? Why do 0:15:04.120 --> 0:15:06.880 you want if I'm already giving you all ahead in 0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:09.200 the world, why do you then have to take it 0:15:09.240 --> 0:15:11.680 up a notch or try and push the envelope. Is 0:15:11.680 --> 0:15:14.240 it because it really feels good? Or is it because 0:15:14.400 --> 0:15:16.720 you're now trying to make me do something that I 0:15:16.800 --> 0:15:18.920 just don't want to do. So you're like, you know, 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:21.080 trying to force me to do something I really don't like. 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:24.520 And if it's pleasurable for you and it's not pleasurable 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:28.480 for me, why do you want to do it? Mm hmm. 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:33.280 So different people find different things to be pleasurable. Um, 0:15:33.280 --> 0:15:36.640 I'm all about you know, not knocking somebody else's so 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:39.280 don't yuck someone else's young. For them, that is a 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:41.640 yummy ass thing to do. Like this makes like, oh, 0:15:41.680 --> 0:15:43.600 it makes me feel good. It feels so great. It 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:46.720 feels it feels like it feels like love, It feels 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:49.520 like heads and gets and all that stuff. It feels 0:15:49.520 --> 0:15:51.760 like Valentine's Day every day. So for them it may 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:53.720 feel like that. But if for you the thing does 0:15:53.720 --> 0:15:56.120 not feel like that, that means that you should not 0:15:56.200 --> 0:15:59.600 necessarily go expending your consent in that direction. If for 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:02.040 you more but I'll do this every now and then, 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:04.440 but I can't commit to this all the time sort 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:06.520 of thing, then that is the way that you do it. 0:16:06.600 --> 0:16:09.640 But if they can't respect your decision to say no, 0:16:10.040 --> 0:16:13.280 for me, that is a red ass flag. If you're 0:16:13.320 --> 0:16:15.280 if you're like, look, I am not into this thing 0:16:15.320 --> 0:16:18.000 that you are into, and you are in a space 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:20.680 now where you are not accepting that you do not 0:16:20.840 --> 0:16:24.080 have consent, that is a problem for me. Well, it's 0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:30.000 not like worsting or manipulating or controlling or constantly being 0:16:30.040 --> 0:16:31.760 like do it, do it, do it? Do it you. 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:34.040 If you loved me, you would do it. Um, if 0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:35.680 you wanted me to marry you, you would do it. 0:16:35.680 --> 0:16:39.200 Because those are forms of manipulation. Now he can make 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:41.240 a decision for himself. If he's saying that that is 0:16:41.280 --> 0:16:44.640 a boundary that he will marry somebody who does not 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:49.720 swallow or you know who won't catch them kids even 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:55.320 if not swallow, um, then he gets to make that 0:16:55.400 --> 0:16:57.760 decision for himself. For him, that could be the line 0:16:57.800 --> 0:17:00.480 in the sand. But people tend to do it's trying 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:03.880 to draw boundaries against other people's guarding. I'm looking like, no, 0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:07.040 your boundaries are for you. Your boundaries are not for others. 0:17:07.440 --> 0:17:09.840 So saying like, well, then you can't be over here 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:12.479 if you won't do this I'm like, this is what 0:17:12.560 --> 0:17:15.400 I need. I see that you are unable to meet 0:17:15.480 --> 0:17:19.040 my need, but but we are not actolutely compatible. I 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:23.360 hope that it's okay that we aren't waiting at this time. Yeah, 0:17:23.400 --> 0:17:24.960 because we would have a good sex and all that. 0:17:25.080 --> 0:17:29.280 So it is, that's just the one other thing. And yeah, 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:32.120 I don't think that anybody should if that's your boundary 0:17:32.240 --> 0:17:34.080 and you're not saying no, you can't do this, I'll 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:35.800 do it every once in a while. I don't think 0:17:35.840 --> 0:17:37.560 it's something that should happen all the time just because 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:41.639 you say so. Absolutely nothing. I'm like, what works like 0:17:41.720 --> 0:17:46.880 that other than right? And look, you put some money, 0:17:46.920 --> 0:17:49.520 if you're a monetary value behind it. Now, maybe you 0:17:49.520 --> 0:17:55.800 can pay me to do it. I don't know, right, 0:17:58.280 --> 0:18:03.080 but is it. I'm looking like people already in a 0:18:03.119 --> 0:18:06.200 lot of ways paying the play, but we are asking 0:18:06.240 --> 0:18:10.320 people for emotional commitments to go with the sex. Trade 0:18:10.320 --> 0:18:13.879 you sex for some emotional commitment. I'll trade you this 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:15.760 for that. I'm looking like, look, at the end of 0:18:15.800 --> 0:18:19.040 the day, everybody's selling something to somebody for something, right, 0:18:19.400 --> 0:18:22.679 and nothing wrong with that. It's about making sure that 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:24.800 your needs are met and their needs are also being met. 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:27.720 We're talking about just being in the space of mutual 0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:32.240 um respect as well as some level of reciprosity. Everybody 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:35.439 is looking for something. It's not about like, oh, you 0:18:35.480 --> 0:18:38.399 hold yourself out. I mean, I mean technically you do 0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:41.000 that at work. You sell your body so that you 0:18:41.040 --> 0:18:44.680 can make money. I mean, and I'm talking about this 0:18:44.760 --> 0:18:47.240 jealous Miss Olivant already tell us us we listen to 0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:52.639 hotels right, Oh, how else out? But Mama, like, we 0:18:52.760 --> 0:18:57.919 already know everybody's doing something for something period. Hold on, 0:18:58.000 --> 0:19:00.639 before we get into anything else, Let's pay some bills 0:19:00.640 --> 0:19:07.919 real quick. So on our show, we had conversations about 0:19:08.000 --> 0:19:10.840 open marriages and polygamy, like what's your thoughts on the 0:19:11.080 --> 0:19:16.040 that polyamory, polygamy? However, this if someone wants to live 0:19:16.080 --> 0:19:19.080 their life, it's not really my business. That's one. That's 0:19:19.080 --> 0:19:21.240 what I believe. I believe that you should actually live 0:19:21.280 --> 0:19:24.040 your best life, and I have found it some of 0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:27.359 the most stable relationships that I see in therapy and 0:19:27.640 --> 0:19:29.160 that I see from you know, some of the folks 0:19:29.200 --> 0:19:31.760 that I wrock with are actually made up for three 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:35.720 individuals or more so. They have they You have to 0:19:35.880 --> 0:19:39.280 have communication with your partner um none of that. Well, 0:19:39.640 --> 0:19:42.560 you shouldn't know none of that stuff. It's actually I 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:45.320 talk about the things that I need in my relationship 0:19:45.359 --> 0:19:47.679 and I have my knees met. It also means that 0:19:47.720 --> 0:19:50.280 you know when you're with somebody and they have a 0:19:50.280 --> 0:19:52.320 whole different set of sex acts that they want to do, 0:19:52.359 --> 0:19:55.240 but you're like, oh, hell no, your third person, that 0:19:55.359 --> 0:19:58.600 person might be the one to be like yes everybody, 0:19:59.080 --> 0:20:02.679 but he didn't get someth do you come in exactly? 0:20:02.960 --> 0:20:06.760 Because it's just like you, we I think oftentimes we 0:20:07.040 --> 0:20:10.719 think that everybody, whoever that we're with, whoever our romantic 0:20:10.760 --> 0:20:13.480 partner is, should meet every single need that we have. 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:17.000 Is unrealistic. It's not going to happen. Just like you 0:20:17.040 --> 0:20:19.960 don't hear everything you need from one friend, you have 0:20:20.040 --> 0:20:21.880 a bunch of different friends, right You're like, oh, well, 0:20:21.920 --> 0:20:23.480 this one I can talk to about this type of 0:20:23.480 --> 0:20:25.920 stuff because she's more resective. This one I could talk 0:20:25.920 --> 0:20:28.280 to about this stuff because he's more he's more cool 0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:30.280 with that, And this one I could talk about this 0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:33.439 because this is the thing, this is bair line. You 0:20:33.440 --> 0:20:35.480 can't talk about everything with everybody, So why do you 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:37.480 expect your partner to now be the end all be 0:20:37.560 --> 0:20:42.080 all for everything possibly needs in a relationship. If we 0:20:42.200 --> 0:20:45.359 take up if we take romantic relationships off the damn 0:20:45.440 --> 0:20:48.199 pedi school because they do not belong up there, and 0:20:48.240 --> 0:20:51.000 put them in par with the other friendships and other 0:20:51.040 --> 0:20:53.760 types of relationships that we have, we will see that 0:20:53.800 --> 0:20:57.000 we are just meeting various needs that we have with 0:20:57.160 --> 0:21:00.880 various people. M hm uh. If we do the same 0:21:00.920 --> 0:21:04.560 thing within romantic spaces, we can have all of our 0:21:04.600 --> 0:21:07.880 needs met. So I think that it is very traditional 0:21:08.359 --> 0:21:11.000 in a sense, very Christian traditional to say one man, 0:21:11.160 --> 0:21:15.480 one woman in particular. But I'm like, if let's stop 0:21:15.480 --> 0:21:17.600 what you're rocking with, that's not what you're rocking with. 0:21:17.960 --> 0:21:20.080 So for some people it's very realistic. I think that 0:21:20.160 --> 0:21:24.919 that's but you, I'm rocking with what I rock with. 0:21:27.880 --> 0:21:30.160 I saw you not gry. I was trying to get 0:21:30.200 --> 0:21:34.160 dig in there. I am about to get married. Congratulations 0:21:34.200 --> 0:21:39.639 to you, thank you, thank you. Um. But for me 0:21:39.680 --> 0:21:42.720 and the thing, that's that's uh, you know, spacebook, we 0:21:42.720 --> 0:21:45.040 we navigate what it is that we are wanting in 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:47.360 our relationships in a lot of ways. Some people would 0:21:47.359 --> 0:21:50.800 say that we're not traditional couple, um, just because of 0:21:50.880 --> 0:21:55.480 like earnings and who has more time, who, who's doing this, 0:21:56.040 --> 0:21:58.560 who's doing that. Some people will say that he would 0:21:58.760 --> 0:22:00.920 he was in a wrong space to a woman who 0:22:00.920 --> 0:22:03.320 doesn't want to have children. I am that woman. I 0:22:03.320 --> 0:22:06.280 don't want to have children. Um, maybe I'll changed my mind, 0:22:06.320 --> 0:22:09.840 maybe I want, but in this head moment, no, I'm 0:22:10.000 --> 0:22:13.760 quite all right on that. So, I mean, this is 0:22:13.920 --> 0:22:16.919 us cultivating the life that we want, and as a 0:22:16.960 --> 0:22:19.119 therapist my job, I'm just like, well, what kind of 0:22:19.160 --> 0:22:23.320 life do you actually want to have? Clients are now 0:22:23.600 --> 0:22:26.399 they are planning more around with like the idea of 0:22:26.800 --> 0:22:31.080 opening up relationships. They are um even exploring their own 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:33.879 sexuality because so many people, I mean a lot of 0:22:33.920 --> 0:22:36.280 us were brought up in you gotta be straight type 0:22:36.359 --> 0:22:40.600 rhetoric and I'm not straight. I'm like, yes, I'm I'm 0:22:40.600 --> 0:22:43.720 with a I'm with a dude, but that doesn't change 0:22:43.720 --> 0:22:48.159 my identity from from being what I am to just 0:22:48.200 --> 0:22:50.200 because he's a dude. I don't. I'm just like, how 0:22:50.240 --> 0:22:53.640 did that work? I'm looking like, what's next? Transmucial I'm 0:22:53.640 --> 0:22:57.399 not so. I'm just I think that in building the 0:22:57.480 --> 0:23:00.600 life that you want to have for yourself, you have 0:23:00.760 --> 0:23:03.480