1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:06,400 Speaker 1: Talk. We're just too unapologetically black women with an opinion. 2 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:13,680 Speaker 1: Who talks back? What's up? Is your girl? A j 3 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:25,120 Speaker 1: It's Cam Brown, I'm somebody else today and we talked back. Stupid. 4 00:00:26,079 --> 00:00:32,519 Speaker 1: We got some good stuff today, understand. Last time, I'm 5 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 1: trying to get some free therapy today. Yes, that's what 6 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,879 Speaker 1: I'm talking about. Any time we have a doctor of anything, 7 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:45,839 Speaker 1: I'm trying to take advantage of them. Yeah. We got 8 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 1: Dr Oreo Woe. She's a sex therapist and we're gonna 9 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:57,520 Speaker 1: be talking to her about sex basically, so not to 10 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:03,200 Speaker 1: be confused with a sex x or a sexpert um 11 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:07,480 Speaker 1: from all she says, it's like basically kind of right, yeah, yeah, 12 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:12,120 Speaker 1: but she is also a sexpert yep. So let's get 13 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 1: into a girl because I'm excited to know if I'm 14 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:26,800 Speaker 1: doing it right. And we're live. Hey, Dr Donna Oreo 15 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:30,320 Speaker 1: WHOA is on the show. Everybody, this is we talk 16 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: back and it's a j A and Dodger. Donna is 17 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:40,880 Speaker 1: a sex therapist and she's gonna talk to us about 18 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:45,080 Speaker 1: some we got crazy questions for you, especially Agent. So 19 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:51,280 Speaker 1: first we want to congratulate you on your double masters 20 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:55,280 Speaker 1: and your PhD. Girl Round of applause for you since yes, 21 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 1: for real talking to us and our listeners about what 22 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: motivated you to get into sex therapy. People kept telling 23 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:11,679 Speaker 1: me their business, like I need to getting in in Yeah, 24 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,639 Speaker 1: I'm like, people kept on telling me their business. Um. 25 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,760 Speaker 1: And more than that, I felt like sex should not 26 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: be a taboo because I'm looking at all the people. 27 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:23,240 Speaker 1: I'm looking like somebody had sex just so you could 28 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:27,040 Speaker 1: be here. Thanks. So I'm just like, but why are 29 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:31,760 Speaker 1: we keeping it a secrets. We celebrate pregnancies, we celebrate births, 30 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,679 Speaker 1: but we don't want to talk about what lived to 31 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:37,800 Speaker 1: Those things don't make any sense. I'm a pleasure over here. 32 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 1: So just talking about sex just seemed like a natural, 33 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,760 Speaker 1: normal thing, especially as it relates to mental health and 34 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,720 Speaker 1: and talking about it with black women in particular, I 35 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 1: have to talk about how color resum and textures and 36 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:56,359 Speaker 1: impact their mental and sexual health. So I got into 37 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,440 Speaker 1: it because I feel like I in some ways I 38 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,160 Speaker 1: fell into it. Um. I was very much into the 39 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,679 Speaker 1: mental health side of things, just wanting people to live 40 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 1: their best life as it were, but integrated. And I 41 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,240 Speaker 1: saw Meet the Fockers and I was like, wait, it'sex 42 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,800 Speaker 1: therapy real so I went and looked it up and 43 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: it was and I was like, well, all right, let 44 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,520 Speaker 1: me figure out where I get gonna get some more 45 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,120 Speaker 1: this education so that I can be prepared to do 46 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,840 Speaker 1: the work that people had already sort of thrust me 47 00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:30,200 Speaker 1: and by giving me all they did. So if I said, Okay, 48 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 1: I'm starting up today to have a sex therapy session, 49 00:03:34,639 --> 00:03:37,160 Speaker 1: what would like what does that consist of? Because am 50 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 1: I gonna be so awhere like you teach me Bandana 51 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,960 Speaker 1: how to suck dick? Or what? What is it like? 52 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: What is it look like? Yeah, because I think a 53 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:47,600 Speaker 1: lot of people confuse sex expert with a sex with 54 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,160 Speaker 1: sex therapists. I don't think you need any education to 55 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:57,160 Speaker 1: be well, any formal institutionalized education to be a sex expert, right, 56 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,240 Speaker 1: versus a sex therapist where you have to get an education, right. 57 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:05,280 Speaker 1: I mean, honestly, it runs the gamut um depending on 58 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,480 Speaker 1: why you're going to sex therapy in the first place. 59 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 1: So for some folks it's straight sex therapy looks a 60 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,840 Speaker 1: lot more like, Okay, we're having some issues around sex 61 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,920 Speaker 1: and we are trying to resolve those issues. Um. Sometimes 62 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 1: it's high sex drive, low sex drive. Sometimes it really 63 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 1: is just like mechanics and UM. For that, I end up, 64 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:29,480 Speaker 1: I'll refer out to a sex coach. Okay, I can 65 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: teach mechanics, but that's not my lane, and I'm just 66 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:37,920 Speaker 1: like I'm I'm stick to my lane. UM. But for 67 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 1: sex therapy. More times when people think they need sex therapy, 68 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,119 Speaker 1: but that's not actually what they need. What they need 69 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:46,840 Speaker 1: is communication therapy because they don't talk to each other well. 70 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:51,840 Speaker 1: So I'm seeing UM, particularly UM couples and those in relationships. 71 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:55,640 Speaker 1: It's more that they've had so many communication mishaps that 72 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 1: they can't even communicate about sex anymore. There's a lot 73 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:02,080 Speaker 1: of pressure on it. They don't know how to engage 74 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 1: intimately with one another outside of sex. So it's sort 75 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:10,000 Speaker 1: of rebuilding bridges and rebuilding trust and getting them back 76 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,600 Speaker 1: into a space where they feel like they can have 77 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:16,640 Speaker 1: the sex life that they want. UM. Where it comes 78 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:20,359 Speaker 1: to the mechanics of it all. I mean, most of 79 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 1: my clients don't get to the mechanics because let me 80 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,239 Speaker 1: tell you that they already know how to have sex 81 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,279 Speaker 1: that's pleasurable and great and all that for them, but 82 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,479 Speaker 1: it's it's not pleasurable because they don't know how to talk. 83 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,480 Speaker 1: So once we get past the communication barriers and then 84 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,000 Speaker 1: well I don't really want to have sex with you 85 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,039 Speaker 1: because I don't like you no more type of stuff. 86 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:44,159 Speaker 1: Once we get past that, um, they don't actually need 87 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:47,599 Speaker 1: the mechanics talk. But if it does come down to mechanics, 88 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,320 Speaker 1: because I do deal in some virgins as well, they 89 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,359 Speaker 1: come on in a sex therapy to um, then we 90 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: might be learning like, Okay, how do you suck that, 91 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,720 Speaker 1: how do you ride there? How do you do all 92 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:05,720 Speaker 1: of the things, and that's watch this video over here, 93 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 1: and then we'll come back and we'll talk about it. 94 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 1: Because usually there's other feelings that come up when they're 95 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,640 Speaker 1: even learning that stuff because they're like, oh, well, now 96 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: I feel badly because you know, I was raised Christian, 97 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,600 Speaker 1: or I was raised this, I was raised that, and 98 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,560 Speaker 1: it goes against what I was told I'm supposed to 99 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: do or what I feel like I should be allowed 100 00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:27,720 Speaker 1: to do. So now we're having a completely different discussion. 101 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,240 Speaker 1: It ends up being about how we think and feel 102 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:34,160 Speaker 1: about sex more than the act of sex itself. But yeah, 103 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,200 Speaker 1: I'm not like I'm for people to ask good y'all 104 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:45,920 Speaker 1: the time, goody god glasses classes videology. So all right, 105 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,720 Speaker 1: I had this boyfriend one time and it didn't last long. 106 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,480 Speaker 1: And you tell me, did we need a sex therapist 107 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:55,760 Speaker 1: or a sex expert or both? So we had we 108 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 1: were very we got among really well everything, Like we 109 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 1: walk in the door and be pasted, giving me out 110 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,479 Speaker 1: of my clothes. We're just kissing, falling all over the 111 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 1: wall and ship. And as soon as we started having sex, 112 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,400 Speaker 1: I mean, it's over in two minutes. I mean maybe 113 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 1: not even two minutes. I mean it's over fast. And 114 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,040 Speaker 1: I you know, I know my pussy is really good. 115 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,360 Speaker 1: So I just got it at first, like oh, maybe 116 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,320 Speaker 1: he just needs to get used to this magic, this 117 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 1: sunshine I got. So we had sex three different times 118 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,200 Speaker 1: and it was the same thing every time. So I'm like, 119 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,320 Speaker 1: all right, this is a problem because I'm not being 120 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 1: please here. You know, the four play is amazing, but 121 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 1: the sex is just too short. So I sat him 122 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:39,240 Speaker 1: down and I said to him, like, all right, this 123 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 1: is gonna be an uncomfortable conversation for both of us, 124 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,440 Speaker 1: but I need to say these things to you because 125 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: I care about you and I really like you. And 126 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 1: I was like, before you get done, I'm just getting started. 127 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,640 Speaker 1: I mean, once you're done, I'm just getting started, like 128 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 1: you come too fast. So he got up from the couch, 129 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,880 Speaker 1: walk to the kitchen, pour himself a glass of water. 130 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,840 Speaker 1: He didn't say. Now we're just sitting there in silence. 131 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 1: I didn't say a word. And then he took a 132 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,520 Speaker 1: civil water and he said, I ain't never had a 133 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: beach say no ship like that to me before. That 134 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,520 Speaker 1: was his response, and got his keys and walked down. 135 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 1: He was so embarrassed. I go with before the fall. Um, 136 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 1: for me, that's sex therapy. That's sex therapy, not sex expert. Right. Well, 137 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,600 Speaker 1: I mean I'm still a sexpert, right and anyone who 138 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,760 Speaker 1: is a sex therapist is a sexpert. So it's not um, 139 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,800 Speaker 1: it's not a one or the other in that way. Um. 140 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:45,440 Speaker 1: Could he may have review some coaching more than likely, yes, Um, 141 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 1: but some of that would be sex therapy. Some of 142 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:52,400 Speaker 1: that falls under sex therapy period. So Number one, like, 143 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: what does he think he knows about sex and sexuality? 144 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,680 Speaker 1: How does he talk about sex and sexuality? Clearly not 145 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:02,560 Speaker 1: very well. If having someone gently give him feedback hurts 146 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,760 Speaker 1: that much, that looking like that the first time he 147 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:09,480 Speaker 1: heard it, He's fine, Yeah, and do we blame. Do 148 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,720 Speaker 1: we blame him, or do we blame or do we 149 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,360 Speaker 1: blame tam for being honest? Or do we blame the 150 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,720 Speaker 1: women prior to her that just let him go on 151 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,040 Speaker 1: thinking he was knocking to bottom out that pussy like 152 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:24,520 Speaker 1: and you ain't doing nothing like I'm so pro pleasure 153 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 1: that I'm not We're not faking work. I'm thinking for 154 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:31,840 Speaker 1: years this I was sorry, says but that stuff should 155 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:35,560 Speaker 1: have been less than two thousand nine. Do you think 156 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 1: that thousand nine? It should not be a thing of 157 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,720 Speaker 1: now faking it? Lying you are setting the next woman 158 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 1: up for additional work or the next person up traditional work, 159 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,040 Speaker 1: because now they gotta be like, look, your sex is 160 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 1: actually whack. It's like wiggedy wiggedy whack um. And I 161 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:56,959 Speaker 1: think that you can learn. But whoever told you that 162 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:00,439 Speaker 1: your dick, your dick slanging skills was the best things 163 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:04,439 Speaker 1: since slice reread lies? Who ever told you your head 164 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,920 Speaker 1: game was amazing? Lie? And you know what, maybe they 165 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,280 Speaker 1: told the truth for them, but they're not telling the 166 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,280 Speaker 1: truth for me. For me, this does not work for 167 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,440 Speaker 1: my body. This is what my body needs. And I 168 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,480 Speaker 1: think that some of it is just learning. Number one 169 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:23,040 Speaker 1: that we have body diversity, and then in that body diversity, 170 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,640 Speaker 1: different things still good for different people. So what you 171 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,200 Speaker 1: did for your last job not gonna work for this one, 172 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,360 Speaker 1: and you have to be okay with that. So you 173 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,840 Speaker 1: have to you have to know that this is like 174 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:41,200 Speaker 1: a job when you go from one time and working 175 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,839 Speaker 1: like so you're a bank teller over at at Chase, 176 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:45,880 Speaker 1: and now you want to go be a bank teller 177 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,760 Speaker 1: at Bank of America. The way that Bank of America 178 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,480 Speaker 1: does things might be different from the Chase, which means 179 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,400 Speaker 1: that it is your job. Yes, you have some skills 180 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:55,559 Speaker 1: and bank tell us stuff, but some of those things 181 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,000 Speaker 1: will be transferable, but you still have to learn the 182 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 1: lay of the land that you're at into. People don't 183 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,600 Speaker 1: want to learn the lay in the land. Instead they 184 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,200 Speaker 1: have been taught that I have to know how to 185 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,240 Speaker 1: have sex, and that would be enough for anybody that 186 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,079 Speaker 1: I have sex with, as opposed to thinking how I 187 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,760 Speaker 1: have sex might have to change based on what is 188 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,839 Speaker 1: that I'm with and what actually feels good for There 189 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: so many yeah, like men, make sure your woman tells 190 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,240 Speaker 1: you it's good. Don't just assume it isn't until I 191 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:32,280 Speaker 1: tell you it's good. Just assume as not THAT'SI do 192 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 1: you think. I feel like women orgasm is like a 193 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,160 Speaker 1: new world. It's like a new thing because I'd like 194 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,400 Speaker 1: to think that if women didn't have the right to vote, 195 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,000 Speaker 1: they didn't have the right to even talk. At some 196 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:46,320 Speaker 1: point where men ever really that concerned about a woman 197 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:51,160 Speaker 1: coming back then, I want to say it's seven years ago. Okay, now, 198 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,960 Speaker 1: seven years ago. But there definitely was a time where, um, 199 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,240 Speaker 1: there there was a belief that you could only make 200 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:02,920 Speaker 1: a child if a woman workasm. There was their belief, 201 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:08,520 Speaker 1: so they would work hard to make sure that orgasms happen. Um, 202 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:11,200 Speaker 1: there was a time where they called it um they 203 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 1: said like women had hysteria, and to hysteria, you give 204 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:22,400 Speaker 1: a woman an orgasm. Right now, I'll be like, that's 205 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:26,440 Speaker 1: hysterias back again, come on, help me out, let me, 206 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:33,559 Speaker 1: let me not thinking about sex and sexuality in that way. 207 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, there was a time where it was 208 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,960 Speaker 1: very focused on a woman's orgasm. But somewhere along the way, 209 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,920 Speaker 1: patriarchy really did a beautiful number where it's just like, 210 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,959 Speaker 1: well I got mine, you should have got yours. Number one, 211 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: So we're moving it more into a selfish space where 212 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,960 Speaker 1: it's like, well, if I have an orgasm and you 213 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:57,360 Speaker 1: did it, that's your fault. Um, So it's not being 214 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,240 Speaker 1: about mutual pleasure. It's started being about let let me 215 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 1: get what I can get and fuck you. So when 216 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:06,240 Speaker 1: you move into that space, it's like, well damn. Now. 217 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,480 Speaker 1: That's not to say that everyone is not responsible for 218 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,959 Speaker 1: their orgasms, because I still believe that to be true 219 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:15,000 Speaker 1: as well. I'm like, you have a responsibility of what 220 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,200 Speaker 1: you need for your body, to communicate it and to 221 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:21,079 Speaker 1: make sure that you get some as well. But if 222 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:25,000 Speaker 1: your partner is unwilling to sort of meet you where 223 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:29,680 Speaker 1: you are, is unwilling to change up what they're doing 224 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,640 Speaker 1: so that you can also experience pleasure. Number one, why 225 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:37,560 Speaker 1: did you choose this back as person? And number you know, 226 00:13:37,679 --> 00:13:42,319 Speaker 1: number three and five let them go. Let that, let 227 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:47,200 Speaker 1: our person go. Like they're not ready. They don't want 228 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:51,080 Speaker 1: to actually engage insects with you. They're having sexts to you, 229 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:55,199 Speaker 1: and that's not the same thing. So okay. So one 230 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,600 Speaker 1: of the things I wanted to talk about I saw 231 00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,880 Speaker 1: one of your videos on YouTube. You were talking about 232 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,439 Speaker 1: how to communicate with your partner about what you would 233 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:08,679 Speaker 1: like with sex. So my guy communicated that he wanted 234 00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 1: to exaculate in my mouth, bust in her mouth every time, 235 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,360 Speaker 1: every time. Like so he's like, you know, he wants 236 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:20,040 Speaker 1: to finish that way, and I don't like that. I'm 237 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:21,920 Speaker 1: not saying that I wouldn't do it. I'm not saying 238 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,880 Speaker 1: that I haven't done it, but to me, like, that's 239 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,360 Speaker 1: something Valentine's Day birthday type ship. You're not just about 240 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,880 Speaker 1: to be slapping me out like you're watching point like 241 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,960 Speaker 1: it's some porn. You know what I'm saying. I like nasty, 242 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 1: nasty sex. But at the same time, like, no, every time, 243 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,480 Speaker 1: I don't like that. Right, So he made a comment 244 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 1: once and he was like, well, if you don't let 245 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: me do it, um no, he said, uh, how a 246 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:45,920 Speaker 1: woman can't become a girlfriend or a wife without doing that. 247 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: That's kind of manipulation a little bit. So I'm like, well, 248 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 1: I guess I won't be exactly I won't be girlfriend 249 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,960 Speaker 1: or wife then, but you end up being pretty much 250 00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:01,520 Speaker 1: both exactly right, But how how do Because my thing 251 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,000 Speaker 1: is why do you want to do that? Why do 252 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,880 Speaker 1: you want if I'm already giving you all ahead in 253 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,200 Speaker 1: the world, why do you then have to take it 254 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,680 Speaker 1: up a notch or try and push the envelope. Is 255 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,240 Speaker 1: it because it really feels good? Or is it because 256 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,720 Speaker 1: you're now trying to make me do something that I 257 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 1: just don't want to do. So you're like, you know, 258 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,080 Speaker 1: trying to force me to do something I really don't like. 259 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:24,520 Speaker 1: And if it's pleasurable for you and it's not pleasurable 260 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:28,480 Speaker 1: for me, why do you want to do it? Mm hmm. 261 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:33,280 Speaker 1: So different people find different things to be pleasurable. Um, 262 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,640 Speaker 1: I'm all about you know, not knocking somebody else's so 263 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,280 Speaker 1: don't yuck someone else's young. For them, that is a 264 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,640 Speaker 1: yummy ass thing to do. Like this makes like, oh, 265 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,600 Speaker 1: it makes me feel good. It feels so great. It 266 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: feels it feels like it feels like love, It feels 267 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,520 Speaker 1: like heads and gets and all that stuff. It feels 268 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,760 Speaker 1: like Valentine's Day every day. So for them it may 269 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,720 Speaker 1: feel like that. But if for you the thing does 270 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,120 Speaker 1: not feel like that, that means that you should not 271 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,600 Speaker 1: necessarily go expending your consent in that direction. If for 272 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,040 Speaker 1: you more but I'll do this every now and then, 273 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,440 Speaker 1: but I can't commit to this all the time sort 274 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,520 Speaker 1: of thing, then that is the way that you do it. 275 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,640 Speaker 1: But if they can't respect your decision to say no, 276 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,280 Speaker 1: for me, that is a red ass flag. If you're 277 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,280 Speaker 1: if you're like, look, I am not into this thing 278 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:18,000 Speaker 1: that you are into, and you are in a space 279 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,680 Speaker 1: now where you are not accepting that you do not 280 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,080 Speaker 1: have consent, that is a problem for me. Well, it's 281 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:30,000 Speaker 1: not like worsting or manipulating or controlling or constantly being 282 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,760 Speaker 1: like do it, do it, do it? Do it you. 283 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,040 Speaker 1: If you loved me, you would do it. Um, if 284 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,680 Speaker 1: you wanted me to marry you, you would do it. 285 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:39,200 Speaker 1: Because those are forms of manipulation. Now he can make 286 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 1: a decision for himself. If he's saying that that is 287 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,640 Speaker 1: a boundary that he will marry somebody who does not 288 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:49,720 Speaker 1: swallow or you know who won't catch them kids even 289 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:55,320 Speaker 1: if not swallow, um, then he gets to make that 290 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,760 Speaker 1: decision for himself. For him, that could be the line 291 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,480 Speaker 1: in the sand. But people tend to do it's trying 292 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 1: to draw boundaries against other people's guarding. I'm looking like, no, 293 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 1: your boundaries are for you. Your boundaries are not for others. 294 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 1: So saying like, well, then you can't be over here 295 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,479 Speaker 1: if you won't do this I'm like, this is what 296 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,400 Speaker 1: I need. I see that you are unable to meet 297 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,040 Speaker 1: my need, but but we are not actolutely compatible. I 298 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:23,360 Speaker 1: hope that it's okay that we aren't waiting at this time. Yeah, 299 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,960 Speaker 1: because we would have a good sex and all that. 300 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 1: So it is, that's just the one other thing. And yeah, 301 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:32,120 Speaker 1: I don't think that anybody should if that's your boundary 302 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 1: and you're not saying no, you can't do this, I'll 303 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,800 Speaker 1: do it every once in a while. I don't think 304 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,560 Speaker 1: it's something that should happen all the time just because 305 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:41,639 Speaker 1: you say so. Absolutely nothing. I'm like, what works like 306 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:46,880 Speaker 1: that other than right? And look, you put some money, 307 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: if you're a monetary value behind it. Now, maybe you 308 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 1: can pay me to do it. I don't know, right, 309 00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 1: but is it. I'm looking like people already in a 310 00:18:03,119 --> 00:18:06,200 Speaker 1: lot of ways paying the play, but we are asking 311 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: people for emotional commitments to go with the sex. Trade 312 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,879 Speaker 1: you sex for some emotional commitment. I'll trade you this 313 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,760 Speaker 1: for that. I'm looking like, look, at the end of 314 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:19,040 Speaker 1: the day, everybody's selling something to somebody for something, right, 315 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:22,679 Speaker 1: and nothing wrong with that. It's about making sure that 316 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,800 Speaker 1: your needs are met and their needs are also being met. 317 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,720 Speaker 1: We're talking about just being in the space of mutual 318 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:32,240 Speaker 1: um respect as well as some level of reciprosity. Everybody 319 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:35,439 Speaker 1: is looking for something. It's not about like, oh, you 320 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,399 Speaker 1: hold yourself out. I mean, I mean technically you do 321 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: that at work. You sell your body so that you 322 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:44,680 Speaker 1: can make money. I mean, and I'm talking about this 323 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,240 Speaker 1: jealous Miss Olivant already tell us us we listen to 324 00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:52,639 Speaker 1: hotels right, Oh, how else out? But Mama, like, we 325 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:57,919 Speaker 1: already know everybody's doing something for something period. Hold on, 326 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,639 Speaker 1: before we get into anything else, Let's pay some bills 327 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:07,919 Speaker 1: real quick. So on our show, we had conversations about 328 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,840 Speaker 1: open marriages and polygamy, like what's your thoughts on the 329 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:16,040 Speaker 1: that polyamory, polygamy? However, this if someone wants to live 330 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,080 Speaker 1: their life, it's not really my business. That's one. That's 331 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,240 Speaker 1: what I believe. I believe that you should actually live 332 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,040 Speaker 1: your best life, and I have found it some of 333 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:27,359 Speaker 1: the most stable relationships that I see in therapy and 334 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 1: that I see from you know, some of the folks 335 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,760 Speaker 1: that I wrock with are actually made up for three 336 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:35,720 Speaker 1: individuals or more so. They have they You have to 337 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: have communication with your partner um none of that. Well, 338 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,560 Speaker 1: you shouldn't know none of that stuff. It's actually I 339 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,320 Speaker 1: talk about the things that I need in my relationship 340 00:19:45,359 --> 00:19:47,679 Speaker 1: and I have my knees met. It also means that 341 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 1: you know when you're with somebody and they have a 342 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,320 Speaker 1: whole different set of sex acts that they want to do, 343 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: but you're like, oh, hell no, your third person, that 344 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:58,600 Speaker 1: person might be the one to be like yes everybody, 345 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:02,679 Speaker 1: but he didn't get someth do you come in exactly? 346 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 1: Because it's just like you, we I think oftentimes we 347 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,719 Speaker 1: think that everybody, whoever that we're with, whoever our romantic 348 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,480 Speaker 1: partner is, should meet every single need that we have. 349 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,000 Speaker 1: Is unrealistic. It's not going to happen. Just like you 350 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,960 Speaker 1: don't hear everything you need from one friend, you have 351 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,880 Speaker 1: a bunch of different friends, right You're like, oh, well, 352 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,480 Speaker 1: this one I can talk to about this type of 353 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,920 Speaker 1: stuff because she's more resective. This one I could talk 354 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,280 Speaker 1: to about this stuff because he's more he's more cool 355 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,280 Speaker 1: with that, And this one I could talk about this 356 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,439 Speaker 1: because this is the thing, this is bair line. You 357 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,480 Speaker 1: can't talk about everything with everybody, So why do you 358 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,480 Speaker 1: expect your partner to now be the end all be 359 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:42,080 Speaker 1: all for everything possibly needs in a relationship. If we 360 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,359 Speaker 1: take up if we take romantic relationships off the damn 361 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,199 Speaker 1: pedi school because they do not belong up there, and 362 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:51,000 Speaker 1: put them in par with the other friendships and other 363 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,760 Speaker 1: types of relationships that we have, we will see that 364 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,000 Speaker 1: we are just meeting various needs that we have with 365 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:00,880 Speaker 1: various people. M hm uh. If we do the same 366 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 1: thing within romantic spaces, we can have all of our 367 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,880 Speaker 1: needs met. So I think that it is very traditional 368 00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:11,000 Speaker 1: in a sense, very Christian traditional to say one man, 369 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:15,480 Speaker 1: one woman in particular. But I'm like, if let's stop 370 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,600 Speaker 1: what you're rocking with, that's not what you're rocking with. 371 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,080 Speaker 1: So for some people it's very realistic. I think that 372 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:24,919 Speaker 1: that's but you, I'm rocking with what I rock with. 373 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,160 Speaker 1: I saw you not gry. I was trying to get 374 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:34,160 Speaker 1: dig in there. I am about to get married. Congratulations 375 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:39,639 Speaker 1: to you, thank you, thank you. Um. But for me 376 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,720 Speaker 1: and the thing, that's that's uh, you know, spacebook, we 377 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: we navigate what it is that we are wanting in 378 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,360 Speaker 1: our relationships in a lot of ways. Some people would 379 00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:50,800 Speaker 1: say that we're not traditional couple, um, just because of 380 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:55,480 Speaker 1: like earnings and who has more time, who, who's doing this, 381 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,560 Speaker 1: who's doing that. Some people will say that he would 382 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,920 Speaker 1: he was in a wrong space to a woman who 383 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,320 Speaker 1: doesn't want to have children. I am that woman. I 384 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,280 Speaker 1: don't want to have children. Um, maybe I'll changed my mind, 385 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,840 Speaker 1: maybe I want, but in this head moment, no, I'm 386 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: quite all right on that. So, I mean, this is 387 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,919 Speaker 1: us cultivating the life that we want, and as a 388 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,119 Speaker 1: therapist my job, I'm just like, well, what kind of 389 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,320 Speaker 1: life do you actually want to have? Clients are now 390 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,399 Speaker 1: they are planning more around with like the idea of 391 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:31,080 Speaker 1: opening up relationships. They are um even exploring their own 392 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,879 Speaker 1: sexuality because so many people, I mean a lot of 393 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,280 Speaker 1: us were brought up in you gotta be straight type 394 00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:40,600 Speaker 1: rhetoric and I'm not straight. I'm like, yes, I'm I'm 395 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,720 Speaker 1: with a I'm with a dude, but that doesn't change 396 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:48,159 Speaker 1: my identity from from being what I am to just 397 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,200 Speaker 1: because he's a dude. I don't. I'm just like, how 398 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:53,640 Speaker 1: did that work? I'm looking like, what's next? Transmucial I'm 399 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,399 Speaker 1: not so. I'm just I think that in building the 400 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: life that you want to have for yourself, you have 401 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,480 Speaker 1: to be number one, cognizant of who you are and 402 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:07,199 Speaker 1: be willing to question that every day. What we know 403 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,840 Speaker 1: about ourselves right now, in this moment is going to change, 404 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,040 Speaker 1: right every time you learn something, every time you have 405 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:16,600 Speaker 1: a new hypocrite, somebody seeds or something you know, it 406 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,159 Speaker 1: takes plans, you start thinking about it, you want to 407 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,840 Speaker 1: learn more about it, and then you in your mind. 408 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 1: And that's why I mean, if you're even gonna be 409 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,280 Speaker 1: in a relationship, being able to grow together as part 410 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,120 Speaker 1: of it. And I think that people forget the part 411 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:34,320 Speaker 1: where you grow and sometimes that growth may grow apart um, 412 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 1: sometimes you grow closer together. But being able to determine 413 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,520 Speaker 1: um for yourself where it is that you want to go. 414 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,080 Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. So I am. 415 00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:48,560 Speaker 1: I am open for people who are Polly, I am. 416 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,760 Speaker 1: I'm down to people who are who are not. I'm like, 417 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,840 Speaker 1: if you want to be monogymous, great, If you're not 418 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:57,360 Speaker 1: a monogonmous, also great. It's really about you doing what's 419 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:02,800 Speaker 1: best for you in your relationship. Absolutely agree. So let 420 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,840 Speaker 1: me ask you this because I masturbate a lot, because 421 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,080 Speaker 1: I don't have like a regular like. I don't have 422 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,159 Speaker 1: a consistent sex partner right now in my life, So 423 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:13,560 Speaker 1: I masturbate a lot. Am I fucking up my clitter? Is? 424 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:19,399 Speaker 1: When I do have a man, You gotta your own stuf. 425 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:24,439 Speaker 1: But I just like I used like toys and stuff 426 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 1: like that, and I just concerned that like I'm like 427 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:34,800 Speaker 1: sucking my clitter is up desensitizing it. Yeah, but a 428 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:39,000 Speaker 1: lot of people think that right. Um, So really it's 429 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:43,920 Speaker 1: just like number one, Yes, can you temporarily numb the area, Yeah, 430 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,560 Speaker 1: but it'll also bounce back. So if it's like, oh 431 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,000 Speaker 1: I can't feel anything, then maybe lay off of it 432 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:53,360 Speaker 1: for a couple of days and it'll come right back 433 00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:56,440 Speaker 1: and everything will be good all over again. Um. But 434 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,960 Speaker 1: the idea that you can over masturbate or that you 435 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:03,160 Speaker 1: can desensitize clutter is that's definitely just built in in live. 436 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:10,280 Speaker 1: I've been wondering where people like yo men make it up. Yeah, 437 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:13,879 Speaker 1: because if you can make yourself or a gas some 438 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,119 Speaker 1: harder than they cans and maybe they start feeling from 439 00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:18,760 Speaker 1: type of back exactly, That's why they'd be hating on 440 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 1: vibrators and ship who's got time to hate gonna vibrate? 441 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:27,919 Speaker 1: As they out there to help you, Yeah, packing and 442 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:29,920 Speaker 1: bring it to your house. Suck on my titties while 443 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:35,879 Speaker 1: I do this, Thank you. Littlemutual masturbation tis the month 444 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:41,119 Speaker 1: for it all I do it. I have a considers 445 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:50,399 Speaker 1: like her husband masturbating as cheating? Really is that? I 446 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,439 Speaker 1: don't see it as cheating? Do you see it as 447 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,000 Speaker 1: I guess it's just it depends on the parameters of 448 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:59,280 Speaker 1: your marriage. Yeah, but it definitely depends on the parameters 449 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,520 Speaker 1: of your own relations and ship. I would I would 450 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,640 Speaker 1: urge them to think about why why do you see 451 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:09,000 Speaker 1: your partner touching their own body as a form of cheating? 452 00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:13,240 Speaker 1: What about it feels threatening to you? Um. I've even 453 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:16,320 Speaker 1: done a couple of videos on this on my Instagram. UM, 454 00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:18,480 Speaker 1: because I talked about this type of stuff every May. 455 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,640 Speaker 1: When I started talking about masturbation, May somebody slides into 456 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:24,359 Speaker 1: my d NS and then just like, is it cheating 457 00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:26,280 Speaker 1: if I masturbate? And I'm just like, I don't know. 458 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,280 Speaker 1: You gotta tell me what your relationship. Maybe he feels 459 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,560 Speaker 1: that way because if he's not sucking her and then 460 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,000 Speaker 1: you're in the bathroom every Tuesday or every day at 461 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,639 Speaker 1: six o'clock being your dick and you're not sucking me. 462 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,840 Speaker 1: That's that's the problem. If I am warning and willing 463 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,600 Speaker 1: to have sex with you, but you'd rather please yourself, 464 00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 1: that's a sex therapist issue, right to come. It very 465 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,040 Speaker 1: well could be a sex therapist issue. I have seen 466 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,280 Speaker 1: that issue come up for me. I'm more like I 467 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,200 Speaker 1: think that Number One, you should be able to masturbate 468 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,240 Speaker 1: to your heart's content, because sometimes masturbation is not necessarily 469 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,840 Speaker 1: about the thing that we think is about, right, So 470 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:05,399 Speaker 1: it's not always about the sexual piece of it. Sometimes 471 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,720 Speaker 1: it's just I need pleasure. Sometimes it's just I need 472 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:11,560 Speaker 1: a relief. Sometimes it's more about your mental health than 473 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:15,879 Speaker 1: it is about the physical need. Right, So you should 474 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,320 Speaker 1: be able to do the things that work best for 475 00:27:18,359 --> 00:27:20,960 Speaker 1: you for your mental health and for your general well being. 476 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,359 Speaker 1: And for some people, masturbation is it and it's also 477 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:27,240 Speaker 1: mental health Awareness month. So to me, it is it, 478 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:29,320 Speaker 1: and I'm looking like it really is. It just runs 479 00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:32,240 Speaker 1: the gam But if you're feeling like you're not getting 480 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:35,359 Speaker 1: the sex that you want, but your partner is is 481 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,600 Speaker 1: masturbating and you are not included, number one, that's a 482 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:41,320 Speaker 1: conversation to be had. See if you can insert yourself 483 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,400 Speaker 1: into their massurbatory practices like, hey, can I join you? 484 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:48,200 Speaker 1: Can I watch? Um? Can? Can I set the citties 485 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:51,240 Speaker 1: while you do that? You cannot unrest you while you 486 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:56,000 Speaker 1: do that? UMM? Being able to just bring each other together, 487 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,800 Speaker 1: like can't we masturbate together a little mutual mask? Can 488 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:02,639 Speaker 1: I masturbate you? Like? Let me let let me get 489 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:05,720 Speaker 1: involved in the massurbatory practice here. That is one way 490 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: to sort of see if you can bridge the gap. UM. 491 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,560 Speaker 1: And I could be wondering what's going on in your 492 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,720 Speaker 1: relationship that your partner does not want to have sex 493 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,280 Speaker 1: with you, So you're worried about the self. So I'm 494 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 1: looking like I'm worried about what else is going on 495 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:20,600 Speaker 1: in your relationship. So so then that's right. So that's 496 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:23,560 Speaker 1: my thing. Say something is wrong, but something could be 497 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,800 Speaker 1: wrong and you are completely unaware of it. Yeah, So 498 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,240 Speaker 1: for me, intimacy and I think for a lot of women, 499 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:31,800 Speaker 1: intimacy starts in the mind, like I want you to 500 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,480 Speaker 1: love on me all day long, not just right before 501 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,320 Speaker 1: you want to me when we get into bed at night. 502 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:40,680 Speaker 1: So we're constantly having disagreements, We're constantly arguing, and I 503 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:42,760 Speaker 1: feel like being in love is a state of mind. 504 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:45,400 Speaker 1: So you have to do things to continuously keep falling 505 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:48,280 Speaker 1: in love what you made, because it's easy to fall 506 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:50,200 Speaker 1: out of love and then you can fall back in 507 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,400 Speaker 1: love with that same person or you might go outside 508 00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:56,640 Speaker 1: the relationship. Right, So we're constantly arguing and you still 509 00:28:56,680 --> 00:29:00,680 Speaker 1: want sex even after argument. Sometimes men they don't care 510 00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:02,360 Speaker 1: like they can be. I have to be happy to 511 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,160 Speaker 1: have sex. So we're constantly arguing that I'm mad, I 512 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,960 Speaker 1: don't want to have sex, don't touch me, and no, 513 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,640 Speaker 1: we're not right now physically in an argument, but I'm 514 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: still pissed. And if you I don't want you to 515 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:14,360 Speaker 1: touch me, and if I let you do it, it's 516 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,080 Speaker 1: kind of rapey because I didn't want to do it 517 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,200 Speaker 1: in the first place. Now I'm just doing something because 518 00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,640 Speaker 1: you want to do it, because I don't want my 519 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,960 Speaker 1: man to go to someone else for it. But I'm pissed. 520 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:34,280 Speaker 1: At the same time, I like, let's RhE um. If 521 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 1: you won't do with somebody else, will I'm just going 522 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:42,560 Speaker 1: to go. You can go and you don't want don't 523 00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:44,240 Speaker 1: get the rest of your relationship from them while you 524 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:48,960 Speaker 1: at it. Good Bye, pretty much, don't come back and talk. 525 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:55,800 Speaker 1: You see tam she thinks it's cool and start arguments 526 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:58,280 Speaker 1: so she can have makeup sex. I don't like that. 527 00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:00,440 Speaker 1: Ship don't still argument with me because you wanna be 528 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,960 Speaker 1: sucking yourself for a month later. You gotta tell my 529 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:12,440 Speaker 1: bus Toxiana. That's why tell sex therapist dr. Sometimes I 530 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:17,080 Speaker 1: might might start a little friction just so we can 531 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:21,719 Speaker 1: have that kind of like forceful angry sex two times 532 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:29,400 Speaker 1: just won't play. I feel like it's not real. The 533 00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:36,080 Speaker 1: anger ain't real. If it works for you and your partner, 534 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,240 Speaker 1: it well, I guess it didn't because me and the 535 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:42,760 Speaker 1: nigga ain't together no more so I guess it didn't work. 536 00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:47,960 Speaker 1: But anyway, back to what you were saying, like um 537 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,680 Speaker 1: about like you know, wanting different types of intimacy. This 538 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:57,400 Speaker 1: book Write You Use Your Mouth by Shamira Howard Um. 539 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:01,280 Speaker 1: This book is, uh, it's amazing thing. You know, like 540 00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:05,000 Speaker 1: it's small, it's pocket sized for your convenience, but it 541 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:08,280 Speaker 1: talks about seven different types of intimacy and it ends 542 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:12,240 Speaker 1: with sexual intimacy because for a lot of people, yeah, 543 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:14,480 Speaker 1: they do need those other pieces in order to feel 544 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:16,760 Speaker 1: like they can have the type of set that feels 545 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:20,520 Speaker 1: good and connected for them. And you write some people 546 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,240 Speaker 1: be like, um, we are not on the same page. 547 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:25,680 Speaker 1: You can keep your hands off my body. My body 548 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,320 Speaker 1: is mine. I'm not willing to share this. And then look, 549 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,560 Speaker 1: you all gotta do nothing just later, like how is 550 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,040 Speaker 1: that pleasurable for me? Like, first of all, you don't 551 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:35,360 Speaker 1: know how it feels to be penetrating, right, and then 552 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:37,440 Speaker 1: on top of me not even liking you right now? 553 00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:46,120 Speaker 1: Hell like you will say any dagoning thing like so 554 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:49,960 Speaker 1: you want to masturbate but with my body right and 555 00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,520 Speaker 1: to me like sex me interested in my participation and 556 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:55,760 Speaker 1: you're just interested in getting a nut. You could have 557 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:59,880 Speaker 1: done that with some note, with some lotion in your hands. Awesome, 558 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:01,640 Speaker 1: You can do it as many times as you like it. 559 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:05,840 Speaker 1: You don't have to involve me. You can go pocket pussy. Um, 560 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:08,360 Speaker 1: don't get yourself whatever toy it is that you need 561 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:10,680 Speaker 1: so that you can have some enjoyment. But right now 562 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,920 Speaker 1: my body is off, you have and if you be 563 00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:17,560 Speaker 1: okay with that, like I said, I'm all about get 564 00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,840 Speaker 1: the hell on. I brought my pocket pussy one time 565 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:23,240 Speaker 1: for real, Like, I bought him one because he was military, 566 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,760 Speaker 1: he was deployed, so I sent it in the care 567 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:34,840 Speaker 1: package with some deritos and ship the military girl. Them 568 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:44,200 Speaker 1: girls be a broad selling pussy. The few women hold on. 569 00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:46,960 Speaker 1: Before we get into anything else, let's pay some bills 570 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:56,520 Speaker 1: real quick, all right, So let's get into colorism and texturism. Um, 571 00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:59,320 Speaker 1: you wrote a book Cocoa Butter and Hair Grease and 572 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:02,240 Speaker 1: Self Love Ready through here in skin tell us about 573 00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:06,480 Speaker 1: the book and what prompted you to create it. Um. 574 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,120 Speaker 1: The book is a work book. It's a twelve week 575 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:14,160 Speaker 1: plus work book. UM, really to get you thinking about 576 00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:16,760 Speaker 1: your skin tone, your hair texture, the messages that you've 577 00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:20,720 Speaker 1: received about them, and how those messages impact you at work, 578 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:25,080 Speaker 1: with your family, with lovers, and sort of breaking out 579 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:27,800 Speaker 1: of what those messages versa that you can replace some 580 00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:32,160 Speaker 1: of these messages that feel better and more affirming for you. UM. 581 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:34,920 Speaker 1: And of course that has a really dope feeling shart 582 00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:38,120 Speaker 1: in it. UM. Had that don't created because you don't 583 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:41,600 Speaker 1: find a feeling shart with black folks is difficult. So 584 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:43,760 Speaker 1: then we also decided we're just gonna put some black 585 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,720 Speaker 1: ass feelings in it, like, oh, I'm feeling myself. I 586 00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:54,120 Speaker 1: wish a bitch would is it is? And my thing? Um, 587 00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:56,880 Speaker 1: And the funk is also in there, like the funk. 588 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:02,200 Speaker 1: It's all on any notion the way I see it. 589 00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:09,480 Speaker 1: But it was it was. It was created because um, 590 00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:12,560 Speaker 1: there's there's a couple of clients in particular that ended 591 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:14,560 Speaker 1: up being like a lot of the basis for it. 592 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:16,800 Speaker 1: So before it was just a bunch of little sheets 593 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:20,120 Speaker 1: and homeworks that I gave them. And I told somebody 594 00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:22,200 Speaker 1: that I had created a bunch of worksheets and things 595 00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:23,760 Speaker 1: and they were like, you should put it in a book, 596 00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,560 Speaker 1: and I said he and I had the whole thing 597 00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:30,359 Speaker 1: basically outlined and mapped out in my in my Google drive. 598 00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,239 Speaker 1: And somebody was like, yeah, she's writing a book. And 599 00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:36,200 Speaker 1: I was like, what She's not told everybody I'm looking 600 00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:38,279 Speaker 1: like it ended up on therapy for Black girls that 601 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:41,480 Speaker 1: I'm writing a book. I was like, I wasn't good. 602 00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:46,560 Speaker 1: I guess I really now I gonna right. So I 603 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:50,840 Speaker 1: had the worksheets translated and you know, done into something 604 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:53,759 Speaker 1: that was a little bit prettier and bound together. But 605 00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:57,240 Speaker 1: the one of the clients was just like, I'm dark, 606 00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:00,120 Speaker 1: I'm fat, and I'm nappy. Who the funk on one me? 607 00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:04,000 Speaker 1: And this was part of the justification for staying in 608 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:10,640 Speaker 1: an abusive relationship that that, well, who else is going 609 00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:13,319 Speaker 1: to want me? I have to accept what I what 610 00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:15,759 Speaker 1: I got, and we have to keep in mind that 611 00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:18,160 Speaker 1: like people say all the time, though, right, and we've 612 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,160 Speaker 1: already normalized it, so we'll be like, oh, they're acting 613 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:25,000 Speaker 1: real light skin, what does that mean? Say, oh, they're 614 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,360 Speaker 1: acting light skin. You need to remember what color you 615 00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:30,719 Speaker 1: are you're acting light skin? Oh, dark skinned women are 616 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:33,120 Speaker 1: not to have standards. Only light skinned women are allowed 617 00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:38,080 Speaker 1: to have standards. Like, it just becomes this whole big 618 00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:41,239 Speaker 1: gass thing where I feel like dark skinned people are 619 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:45,680 Speaker 1: consistently being gas lit and to believing that their experience 620 00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:49,200 Speaker 1: is not their experience. So somebody has to talk to 621 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:52,680 Speaker 1: dark skinned people, and I decided it was gonna be me, okay, 622 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,439 Speaker 1: And as much as I love hearing from light skin 623 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,480 Speaker 1: folks who talk about colors and textualism and a looking like, 624 00:35:58,520 --> 00:35:59,920 Speaker 1: there are a lot of dark skinned people that you 625 00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:03,399 Speaker 1: don't hear who also talk about this, who will never 626 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:06,000 Speaker 1: be on the same programming, who will never be at 627 00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:09,520 Speaker 1: the front. So I want to get into textualism because 628 00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:11,520 Speaker 1: there's a lot of isms out here. But I never 629 00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:16,000 Speaker 1: realized that textualism was a thing. So I always make 630 00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,960 Speaker 1: jokes that, you know, if all black women had like loose, 631 00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:22,320 Speaker 1: like like had his hairless right this nice Indian bundles 632 00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:26,240 Speaker 1: I'm gonna be selling soon anyway. So if all women, 633 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:28,359 Speaker 1: all black women had like heir like this, I think 634 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:30,279 Speaker 1: men love here like they want to be able to 635 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,640 Speaker 1: touch our hair, and they can't write a lot of 636 00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:35,320 Speaker 1: times they can't just rub their things through our natural 637 00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:37,640 Speaker 1: heir and touch our scalp. I always make a joke 638 00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:40,880 Speaker 1: that if all black women had long curly hair, we 639 00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:43,200 Speaker 1: would keep we would like our men wouldn't be going 640 00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:46,960 Speaker 1: outside of community because they're so in love with here, 641 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,480 Speaker 1: but we were we or you know, if you have 642 00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:52,760 Speaker 1: forcy here like I do, Like you're not just sticking 643 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:58,040 Speaker 1: your fingers to that. No, I got that force myself, 644 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:02,200 Speaker 1: I mean from and I'm like, put your hands in there. 645 00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:05,920 Speaker 1: I'll fix the frow later, like come on, um, because 646 00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:09,120 Speaker 1: I I personally I don't like to divorce myself from 647 00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:11,960 Speaker 1: that bit of pleasure that comes with someone playing in 648 00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:15,480 Speaker 1: your hair so on you know, massaging your scal or 649 00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:18,839 Speaker 1: even especially within sex act, someone's like there's all that's 650 00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:21,480 Speaker 1: so many beautiful nerves and things right there. I'm just like, 651 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:25,640 Speaker 1: I don't deny it myself any of those things. Um, 652 00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:31,040 Speaker 1: but I mean this idea of touchable hair, it usually 653 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:34,440 Speaker 1: grew for me. I remember like those herbal Essences commercials 654 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,759 Speaker 1: growing up, where they'd be like, yes, yes, yes, I 655 00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:41,680 Speaker 1: have this wavy, long hair, and it's supposed to be 656 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:45,480 Speaker 1: shiny and movable and all that other stuff, and the 657 00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:50,320 Speaker 1: advertising of sex hair or bed hair, and it's supposed 658 00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:52,440 Speaker 1: to be the sexy sort of hair that happens when 659 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:55,960 Speaker 1: you have naturally straight hair. I think that for a 660 00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:58,000 Speaker 1: lot of it is just we need to rewrite the 661 00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:02,839 Speaker 1: script um. Natural hair is not unattractive. Natural hair is 662 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:06,400 Speaker 1: not unmanageable. Natural hair is not even any more difficult 663 00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:09,200 Speaker 1: to manage. But because most of us have learned how 664 00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:11,560 Speaker 1: to manage straight hair, we think of our own hair 665 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:15,080 Speaker 1: is being unmanageable. I'm like, no, your hair won't do 666 00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:16,920 Speaker 1: the thing that you're trying to make it do that 667 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:19,279 Speaker 1: straight hair does, which is not the same thing as 668 00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:22,200 Speaker 1: saying that your hair is unmanageable. I don't know how 669 00:38:22,239 --> 00:38:26,960 Speaker 1: to manage it sounds more accurate, right, It's not unmanageable. 670 00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:32,319 Speaker 1: You just don't know how to manage it. Yeah, it's 671 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:35,640 Speaker 1: not supposed to do exactly. I'm looking like, I'm how 672 00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,560 Speaker 1: am I supposed to get a mussy bun? I can't 673 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:39,279 Speaker 1: get non messy. But I can't wake up and just 674 00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:41,759 Speaker 1: gather my natural hair and just stick it in some 675 00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:44,200 Speaker 1: sort of messy But I'm like, look, that's not my life, 676 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:46,920 Speaker 1: my hair, don't do that. I know that I need 677 00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:51,560 Speaker 1: water in a brush. I will just look a mess 678 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:57,520 Speaker 1: it won't be a messy bun. But even then, letting 679 00:38:57,560 --> 00:39:01,959 Speaker 1: that be okay. But we get caught up and um, 680 00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:04,640 Speaker 1: and this is, you know, again the thing our product 681 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:10,080 Speaker 1: of white supremacy that says that black people are subferior. 682 00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:13,160 Speaker 1: You know, that their inferior to white folks, and that 683 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,520 Speaker 1: we have to work twice as hard to make ourselves 684 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:21,160 Speaker 1: presentable to be acceptable in space. So we are constantly, 685 00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:23,719 Speaker 1: i think, in a lot of ways, erasing pieces of 686 00:39:23,719 --> 00:39:26,680 Speaker 1: who we are in order to meet that. I mean, 687 00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:28,480 Speaker 1: it was a couple of years ago that H and 688 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:31,680 Speaker 1: M had the little girl who with the same sort 689 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,879 Speaker 1: of messy hair that the front that the other people had, 690 00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:36,000 Speaker 1: but she had a different hand texture, and people got 691 00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:39,759 Speaker 1: up in arms and I'm just like you're trying. That's 692 00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:42,600 Speaker 1: what hair yea it is. It's supposed to be about 693 00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,919 Speaker 1: kids at play. How they do black blue ivy Yeah, 694 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:50,040 Speaker 1: same thing, how they were doing. Yeah, now that her 695 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:53,120 Speaker 1: hair is long and flourished, and they're okay because we 696 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:57,279 Speaker 1: like it when hair sticks to some level of Eurocentric standards. 697 00:39:57,400 --> 00:39:59,719 Speaker 1: We want the hair to be long, we want the 698 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:02,719 Speaker 1: hay hair to be straighter, we want the hair to 699 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:06,680 Speaker 1: constantly be done. And I'm just like, nobody is constantly together, 700 00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:10,080 Speaker 1: but we feel like we have to constantly put on someone. 701 00:40:10,239 --> 00:40:13,120 Speaker 1: Like we're so used to code switching. We code with 702 00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:15,400 Speaker 1: without hair, be codes with with our clothes. We do 703 00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:17,719 Speaker 1: it with our voices. We got our white voice when 704 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:19,920 Speaker 1: we answer the phone. I mean, we're doing all of 705 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:23,319 Speaker 1: this stuff all the time, and I'm just like number one, 706 00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:26,279 Speaker 1: it's exhausting and number too intensively to certain levels of 707 00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:31,120 Speaker 1: anxiety and depression because you're separating yourself from yourself. At 708 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:32,840 Speaker 1: some point, we have to learn to like what is 709 00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:35,879 Speaker 1: already ours and the way that your hair grows out 710 00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:39,000 Speaker 1: of here. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just society's 711 00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:41,520 Speaker 1: view of what is considered to be acceptable and not 712 00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:46,120 Speaker 1: acceptable and society's view as white supremacies. As fuck, there's nothing. 713 00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:48,200 Speaker 1: There's not very much that black people can do to 714 00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:51,520 Speaker 1: be considered acceptable. You have to change almost everything about 715 00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:53,560 Speaker 1: who you are in order for someone to say that 716 00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:58,200 Speaker 1: you're acceptable and just acceptable, not desirable, not the best. 717 00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:03,160 Speaker 1: Just do you just barely met the bar? M right, 718 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:06,160 Speaker 1: let's stop. Stop, Let's talk about some more sex before 719 00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:16,000 Speaker 1: you go, because that should getting too deep. Man. Listen, um, 720 00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:22,759 Speaker 1: what dumb story? All right? So no, we gotta ask you. 721 00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:25,279 Speaker 1: All right, we have a segment called dumb Bitch story, right, 722 00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:27,879 Speaker 1: and it's just you know, we've all been to dumb 723 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:30,160 Speaker 1: bitch once or twice in our life for whatever reason. 724 00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:33,880 Speaker 1: Can you think of a time where you felt like, damn, 725 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:38,640 Speaker 1: I was stupid? Like there are several times I'm like, 726 00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:45,719 Speaker 1: damn that was that was? Oh goodness. See put me 727 00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:48,959 Speaker 1: on a stone out Like you think I'm gonna read, 728 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:52,120 Speaker 1: I'm gonna read one from a listener who sent there's 729 00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:54,520 Speaker 1: in and we can discuss theirs, and if you come 730 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:56,800 Speaker 1: up with one, you can share it at the end 731 00:41:57,560 --> 00:42:02,640 Speaker 1: stories because evolved in the dumb Bitch at least it's twice, 732 00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:08,000 Speaker 1: all right, So listen to this This is from Megan Um. 733 00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:10,600 Speaker 1: I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. We 734 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:12,960 Speaker 1: were on the way to the beach. His phone rang 735 00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:15,919 Speaker 1: and he didn't recognize the number, so he answered. When 736 00:42:15,960 --> 00:42:18,839 Speaker 1: he answered, he had the audacity to be laughing and 737 00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:21,920 Speaker 1: giggling and ship. So I'm in the passenger seat getting 738 00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:25,000 Speaker 1: piste off. He hangs up the phone and I go off. 739 00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:28,480 Speaker 1: I'm asking him who he was talking to, and he 740 00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:31,840 Speaker 1: ignores me. That pissed me off even more so to 741 00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:35,080 Speaker 1: get his attention, I grabbed the steering wheel and accidentally 742 00:42:35,080 --> 00:42:37,319 Speaker 1: turned it and we ran off the road and we 743 00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:41,040 Speaker 1: went into the embankment. Long story short, the police came 744 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,400 Speaker 1: and it was his mom who was actually on the 745 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,719 Speaker 1: phone and was calling from a different number, not another girl. 746 00:42:47,239 --> 00:42:49,080 Speaker 1: He called his friend to pick him up, and he 747 00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:50,840 Speaker 1: left me with my car on the side of the 748 00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:53,480 Speaker 1: inter state with triple A and the police. Now he 749 00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:56,000 Speaker 1: won't answer my calls. What can I do to get 750 00:42:56,000 --> 00:43:03,640 Speaker 1: my nigga back? As he showed your whole, your whole, 751 00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:07,840 Speaker 1: I'm grab the steering away the person that you don't trust. 752 00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:11,600 Speaker 1: You'll asses off the fucking road to prove a point 753 00:43:12,239 --> 00:43:17,600 Speaker 1: literally and figuratively, road. You know, you could have died, 754 00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:21,040 Speaker 1: So you could have died listening to anybody who thinks 755 00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:23,480 Speaker 1: that's cute to grab the steering wheel to get a 756 00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:26,919 Speaker 1: niggerd attention. Don't do that. Don't do that. It's never 757 00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:31,200 Speaker 1: that serious. You don't deserve your back. You don't deserve 758 00:43:31,239 --> 00:43:33,759 Speaker 1: your back, and then you could possibly go to jail. 759 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:42,680 Speaker 1: He's still gonna be fucking bitches out here. Yeah, you 760 00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:45,200 Speaker 1: were definitely a dumb bitch. Like that was very zelius. 761 00:43:46,719 --> 00:43:49,000 Speaker 1: I was just like, that was that was not the 762 00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:52,000 Speaker 1: move at all. I'm just like, what did you give 763 00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,279 Speaker 1: him that you put your own car in an embankment 764 00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:56,359 Speaker 1: and now you gotta pay your fil a and now 765 00:43:56,400 --> 00:44:00,640 Speaker 1: you got I'm like, oh no, oh no, no, no, 766 00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:04,520 Speaker 1: hell to the no, no, no, so dumb you are 767 00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:09,600 Speaker 1: really gone. That was definitely you are dumb bitch for that. 768 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:13,439 Speaker 1: Hopefully you've learned your lesson and you don't deserve him back, 769 00:44:13,719 --> 00:44:16,279 Speaker 1: you don't. You just gotta find somebody else. And he 770 00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:19,000 Speaker 1: still might not. He still might be a ain't ship dude, 771 00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:22,920 Speaker 1: He's still himself. I'm just like, but if you're feeling 772 00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:27,839 Speaker 1: that insecure in your relationship, maybe if you have a conversation. 773 00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:32,399 Speaker 1: Maybe you leave, but definitely we're not running ourselves off 774 00:44:32,400 --> 00:44:39,440 Speaker 1: the damn road line. God, damn food. You're crazy. We 775 00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:42,279 Speaker 1: need to get it. You are a dumb bitch. Drop No, 776 00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:46,680 Speaker 1: that that's not even that might be a crazy bitch crazy. 777 00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:52,440 Speaker 1: You are crazy, dumb bitch. I'm just like you. You 778 00:44:52,480 --> 00:45:02,480 Speaker 1: didn't think that was okay that level. You're about to 779 00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:04,399 Speaker 1: get married. She didn't trying to put her business out 780 00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:11,480 Speaker 1: here anyway. Alright, final question, you've accomplished so much. What's 781 00:45:11,600 --> 00:45:18,320 Speaker 1: next that we can expect for Dr Oreo? Well, Uh, well, 782 00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:23,040 Speaker 1: I am currently writing a book the same for black women. 783 00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:27,280 Speaker 1: Um We're gonna see how that go. Because I'm busy. 784 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:32,840 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm team going to the much sometimes. Um, 785 00:45:32,880 --> 00:45:35,040 Speaker 1: So I guess that's what you what you can expect 786 00:45:35,040 --> 00:45:39,839 Speaker 1: between that, Okay, I'm looking forward. We're gonna be looking 787 00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:41,640 Speaker 1: for that for sure. Look, I've been trying to write 788 00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:43,799 Speaker 1: a book since two thousand eleven, so maybe we can 789 00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:48,520 Speaker 1: challenge each other. I've been trying to write a book. Uh, 790 00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:51,560 Speaker 1: Instruction Guide to the Black Man is what I've been 791 00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:53,000 Speaker 1: trying to write. But you know, I need a lot 792 00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:55,040 Speaker 1: of research with some ship like that. So I've been 793 00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:57,640 Speaker 1: I have fucking niggas and trying to figure it out, 794 00:46:03,239 --> 00:46:06,880 Speaker 1: trying to get some primary data. You really should you 795 00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:09,360 Speaker 1: should focus on that. A J. I really want to 796 00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:11,680 Speaker 1: see that book come from you and Dr Orio Well, 797 00:46:11,719 --> 00:46:14,799 Speaker 1: I would love to get that book about We need that. 798 00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:18,279 Speaker 1: We need both of them. So yeah, but I'm like, 799 00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:20,640 Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna beat that book. So um, We're 800 00:46:20,680 --> 00:46:23,400 Speaker 1: just gonna be done, all right. We can challenge each 801 00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:26,120 Speaker 1: other each other, maybe we can. Maybe I'll finish it 802 00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:31,719 Speaker 1: this year. I'll just say that it'll be I got 803 00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:35,239 Speaker 1: in town, I got ten more chapters to go. I've 804 00:46:35,280 --> 00:46:38,080 Speaker 1: already outlined the books. I mean, I just gotta I 805 00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:42,399 Speaker 1: really gotta get the right am is you know time 806 00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:44,279 Speaker 1: the name of the book that you already have out 807 00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:47,680 Speaker 1: so our listeners can go purchase it. It is Cocoa 808 00:46:47,680 --> 00:46:50,000 Speaker 1: Butter and Hair Grease and Stuff Love Join Me Through 809 00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:52,960 Speaker 1: Hair and Skin. It's available on Amazon, I think it 810 00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:56,040 Speaker 1: might be on barn to Noble and it's um. You 811 00:46:56,080 --> 00:46:57,960 Speaker 1: can also get it from my website, Coco Buttter and 812 00:46:58,040 --> 00:47:01,919 Speaker 1: Hair Grease dot com. Is there coloring in it? Because 813 00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,120 Speaker 1: if it's some coloring in there, I'm going to get 814 00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:09,040 Speaker 1: it along couple up there here. Oh bitch, I'm sold. 815 00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:14,200 Speaker 1: I'm going to get it. I like color because I 816 00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:19,120 Speaker 1: like there's a couple of cross words color and pages. Yeah. 817 00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:22,919 Speaker 1: I was just like, oh yeah, oh yeah, I want 818 00:47:22,920 --> 00:47:26,239 Speaker 1: to buy it. We really, really, really really appreciate you 819 00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:31,640 Speaker 1: pulling up on us. This is a great episode. Thank you. 820 00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:34,560 Speaker 1: You got to come back when you get that that 821 00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:39,040 Speaker 1: second book together, Come on back and let's talk about it. Okay, absolutely, 822 00:47:39,120 --> 00:47:42,479 Speaker 1: let's do it, all right, all right, thank you, thank you. 823 00:47:46,480 --> 00:47:51,319 Speaker 1: Apparently my vagina works based on what Dr yo Will 824 00:47:51,400 --> 00:48:00,520 Speaker 1: has to say, So that's good works. Okay, just tin 825 00:48:01,160 --> 00:48:04,399 Speaker 1: still in the game. Yeah, so we get to learn. 826 00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:06,600 Speaker 1: We got to learn about textures, in which I never 827 00:48:06,680 --> 00:48:11,040 Speaker 1: knew was a thing until now. I kind of knew, 828 00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:12,759 Speaker 1: but I didn't know it was a word for it. 829 00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:17,359 Speaker 1: Right we all obviously we know like discrimination based on 830 00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:21,880 Speaker 1: hair is a real thing, but they gotta word for 831 00:48:21,920 --> 00:48:25,359 Speaker 1: every goddamn thing. I got ugly feet. What they call 832 00:48:25,400 --> 00:48:29,839 Speaker 1: it foodism? A bit should be picking up rocks and 833 00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:34,640 Speaker 1: throwing them, I mean picking sam out the stream with 834 00:48:34,680 --> 00:48:47,719 Speaker 1: my feet, just grabbing them out like a bear. Be 835 00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:52,120 Speaker 1: more careful, I could you know, I compare myself to 836 00:48:52,160 --> 00:48:56,480 Speaker 1: an animal every episode. As of lately, it's been a fish, 837 00:48:56,760 --> 00:49:01,479 Speaker 1: a bear. When were you? When were you a bear? 838 00:49:02,080 --> 00:49:04,240 Speaker 1: Just now I said, like a bear? Snatch your stands. 839 00:49:08,680 --> 00:49:12,120 Speaker 1: But I definitely enjoyed the therapist. Listen. I don't want 840 00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:15,080 Speaker 1: her to leave because I had some more fucking questions 841 00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:17,560 Speaker 1: on my dad. Have no pad so I could get 842 00:49:17,600 --> 00:49:20,680 Speaker 1: my free hours worth of therapy right quick. But you 843 00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:24,160 Speaker 1: was rushing it. I was. We talked for a long time. 844 00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:26,560 Speaker 1: She's that lady had to go. She had time for yo. 845 00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:34,120 Speaker 1: You're trying to take advantage of her free information. I'm 846 00:49:34,160 --> 00:49:35,799 Speaker 1: gonna get her book, though, I'm gonna buy it for 847 00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:38,320 Speaker 1: everybody like and put it in their Christmas gifts. I 848 00:49:38,360 --> 00:49:42,080 Speaker 1: think that would be a nice Christmas gift everybody. Yeah, 849 00:49:42,520 --> 00:49:44,560 Speaker 1: you know, I'm all about buying a self help book 850 00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:48,399 Speaker 1: for bitches and if this will make your pussies better. 851 00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:53,000 Speaker 1: Take a while for me to even touch a book. 852 00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,680 Speaker 1: So I know all the books out and gave you, 853 00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:59,400 Speaker 1: they probably collected dust at your house. I might not 854 00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:04,239 Speaker 1: buy your this one. Keep I like by your vibrator 855 00:50:04,239 --> 00:50:07,120 Speaker 1: in no book, So look, I don't know if so 856 00:50:07,160 --> 00:50:10,799 Speaker 1: I bought me the Roads off a group on. I 857 00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:16,040 Speaker 1: just don't know if it's authentic though. Is it sucking 858 00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:21,560 Speaker 1: or is it shooting out here? Oh no, I don't 859 00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,640 Speaker 1: know if it's doing it the right way or not. 860 00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:28,279 Speaker 1: It's weird. Is it going like this is hard though? 861 00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:33,600 Speaker 1: It's not doing it hard? Which one the first? Yeah, 862 00:50:34,200 --> 00:50:38,400 Speaker 1: it's suck a little bit, but it's not hard. I 863 00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:41,240 Speaker 1: think I got the strong ship. They're pushing me hard. 864 00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:47,920 Speaker 1: Look shut up, so listen. If you guys enjoyed this 865 00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:51,279 Speaker 1: week's episode, please tune in every Thursday on the I 866 00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:54,239 Speaker 1: Heart Radio app or wherever the fun you get your 867 00:50:54,320 --> 00:50:59,480 Speaker 1: podcasts at. Also, we need all the Dumber Stories, all 868 00:50:59,520 --> 00:51:04,360 Speaker 1: Attempts series, all the ask the Black Friend questions from 869 00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:08,000 Speaker 1: our other listeners. You guys can email us at we 870 00:51:08,200 --> 00:51:11,279 Speaker 1: Talk Back, p o D at gmail dot com. And 871 00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:14,440 Speaker 1: this is your girl a J. And it's Tam Bam. 872 00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:16,279 Speaker 1: I love y'all. Biekout