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Speaker 1: You know, sometimes you got to sit still and get

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Speaker 1: right with your maker. The dance has come to you.

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Speaker 1: Let life on phone how it's supposed to. You know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying, or you don't believe me this week,

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Speaker 1: I'm Darren Waller, formerly known as an NFL athlete, play

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Speaker 1: eight years in the NFL. But I'm try you living life.

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Speaker 1: I'm an artist, an uncle, I'm a brother, I'm a friend,

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Speaker 1: a son. I love to be out in nature. I

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Speaker 1: love all things. I'm just loving the human experience.

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Speaker 2: What type of artists are you? What art do you partake?

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Speaker 1: I partake in the creation of good music. You could

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Speaker 1: say I'm hip hop because that's kind of what I

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Speaker 1: grew up on. And yeah, I'm proud to be a

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Speaker 1: part of what hip hop is contributing to culture. But

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Speaker 1: I'm influenced by all styles of music and they all

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Speaker 1: kind of show up in little ways. The two CDs

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Speaker 1: that got the most rotation in my in My Walkman

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Speaker 1: Growing Up where jay z Black Album and Kanye West's Graduation.

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Speaker 1: So you know guys that were, you know, vulnerable to

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Speaker 1: an extent in their apps talking about what they've gone through,

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Speaker 1: what they've climbed through. You know, I got, like Kanye

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Speaker 1: what he had to persist through just to get to

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Speaker 1: where he was musically, those kind of guys. But just

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Speaker 1: like just the standard of excellence and what they're doing.

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Speaker 1: When I listen to that music, I'm like, Okay, that's

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Speaker 1: the standard. So like when I make something, that's what

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to strive for. I'm not trying to make

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Speaker 1: something to kind of come up or let people know like, oh,

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Speaker 1: he's rapping. I'm like, I want to contribute something to

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Speaker 1: music to where people can walk away and be like oh,

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Speaker 1: or like think about something differently or change their perspective. Well,

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Speaker 1: be moving too fast walking my pace made even do that.

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Speaker 1: I was top ten before I dropped in order the Baby,

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Speaker 1: and they thought they have me boxed in. I was

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Speaker 1: locked in the whole way. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Darren Waller is a former NFL tight end who has

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Speaker 2: shared his story over the years. Recently retired from the league,

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Speaker 2: he spends his time now making music and I would

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Speaker 2: also say honoring his shadows as he recovers from drug addiction.

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Speaker 2: In this episode of Naked Sports, Waller is raw and graphic,

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Speaker 2: and it could be triggering for some who may be

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Speaker 2: recovering from an addiction or are still in the fight.

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Speaker 2: But my hope is that his story helps and heals.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Naked Sports, the podcast where we live at

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Speaker 2: the intersection of sports, politics, and culture. Our purpose reveal

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Speaker 2: the common threads that bind them all. So what's happening

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Speaker 2: in women's basketball right now is what we've been trying.

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Speaker 1: To get to for almost thirty years.

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Speaker 2: From the stadiums where athletes to break barriers and set records,

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Speaker 2: Caden Clark broke the all time single game assists record.

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Speaker 1: This is crazy for rookies to be doing.

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Speaker 2: To the polls where history is written, and now we

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Speaker 2: have Kamala Harrison. It feels more like women are sort

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Speaker 2: of taking what they've always deserved, as opposed to waiting

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Speaker 2: on somebody to give them what they've deserved. Our discussions

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Speaker 2: will uncover the vital connections between these realms and the

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Speaker 2: community do we create. In each episode, will sit down

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Speaker 2: with athletes, political analysts, and culture critics, because at the

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Speaker 2: core of it all, how we see one issue shines

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Speaker 2: the light on all others. Welcome to the Naked Sports.

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Speaker 2: I'm your host, Carrie Champion.

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Speaker 1: I always been to I can't be Meani yoka. I

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Speaker 1: do what my mother say. I thought life was easy

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Speaker 1: to just really harm and it must be another way

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Speaker 1: a boy gonna turn into a man, we do, you know,

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Speaker 1: he can't run and he gotta go right through it.

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Speaker 1: No way.

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Speaker 2: When you wrap, what do you wrap about?

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Speaker 1: Mainly, I'm rapping about my experiences, the struggles I've had,

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Speaker 1: just like me trying to figure out, you know, myself,

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Speaker 1: how to love and accept myself. Because there's times where

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Speaker 1: it's like I feel great about myself and what I'm doing,

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Speaker 1: and I've always been this, you know, performer for people

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Speaker 1: and that's kind of giving me my words for a while,

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Speaker 1: but realizing the other side of that to where it's

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Speaker 1: like if I'm not performing or if I'm just to

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Speaker 1: be my authentic self and I make mistakes, like am

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Speaker 1: I still lovable? Like? Am I still all these things?

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Speaker 1: So I rap about all those things. And I also

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Speaker 1: grew up in Atlanta and listen to New York yibob

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Speaker 1: where dudes around there, you know, trying to get their

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Speaker 1: bars off.

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Speaker 2: Okay, a little bit of that. Okay, So just yesterday

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Speaker 2: you released minip You want tell us about it?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? So the EPE is called internal warfare, this two

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Speaker 1: shot pass. There's been a few EPs this year where

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Speaker 1: I've like combined the name of a couple of songs

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Speaker 1: in the project to make the title. So but with that,

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Speaker 1: it's like, like I said, there's there's always been two

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Speaker 1: sides of me. There's this me that's like, you know, loving, caring,

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Speaker 1: you know, has depth. And there's this other side of

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Speaker 1: me that's like, you know, through my football journey and

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Speaker 1: just through life and trying to figure out where I

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Speaker 1: fit just being like competitive and aggressive and you know,

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Speaker 1: just having a point to prove. There's these two sides

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Speaker 1: that often clash within me. But when I'm able to

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Speaker 1: accept those two kind of like we talked about before,

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Speaker 1: that's where I'm able to find the piece, you know

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Speaker 1: that this two shot pass, I don't always have to

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Speaker 1: feel the way that I feel forever. So that's kind

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Speaker 1: of the theme by.

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Speaker 2: When you say there's two sides, I'm curious because I

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Speaker 2: think everyone experiences that. But why can't that just be

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Speaker 2: the whole of you, the some of who you are?

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Speaker 1: That's honestly the goal, like you hit the nail on

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Speaker 1: the head, like get to the goal just to be

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Speaker 1: like there's my therapist Alwa says, there's no bad parts

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Speaker 1: right parts there, there's nothing bad. They're all just some

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Speaker 1: ways in which I'm trying to keep myself safe or

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Speaker 1: you know, ultimately fine fulfillment in life. They are these

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Speaker 1: you know, sometimes coping mechanisms, survival tactics, but really they're

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Speaker 1: just all me and they deserve to be loved and accepted.

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Speaker 1: But for most of my life it's always like, well,

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Speaker 1: it's been like a perfectionist trying to be accepted by people.

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Speaker 1: So it's like if it's not fitting the good label,

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Speaker 1: it's shunned until like I can because I don't want

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Speaker 1: people to see me the way that I see myself

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Speaker 1: my life.

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Speaker 2: So it's it's interesting because labels are like when we

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Speaker 2: put a label on anything. And I even told you

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Speaker 2: that I was listening to Internal Warfare this morning as

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Speaker 2: I was preparing for this interview, and I assumed that

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Speaker 2: I would not enjoy it as much as I enjoyed it.

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Speaker 2: I assumed that, which was so unfair. And I don't

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Speaker 2: like labels, but I find myself just conditioned. This is

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Speaker 2: a human condition. You do that with people without even

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Speaker 2: knowing it. And it was to me what I was

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Speaker 2: able to hear was someone reconciling the good and the bad,

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Speaker 2: but really it was this beautiful alchemy of who you

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Speaker 2: ultimately are. I just was like, we're also complicated in

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Speaker 2: so many ways. We don't have to be one thing.

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Speaker 2: Do you when you grew up, and this is not

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Speaker 2: even a heavy question, do you feel like because I

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Speaker 2: know my therapist will always say it is because the

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Speaker 2: way you grew.

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Speaker 1: Up, So yeah, I mean, I'm coming in touch with

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Speaker 1: every area of my life is being traced back to

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Speaker 1: my childhood and like that early part of your life

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Speaker 1: from like zero to eight is where your brain is formed,

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Speaker 1: and like how you believe yourself to be in the world,

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Speaker 1: and zero to eight for me, it was like I

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Speaker 1: don't know where I fit in. I don't feel like

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Speaker 1: I'm welcomed or accepted as I am. I feel like

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Speaker 1: I'm not enough. I feel like I have to change.

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Speaker 1: So it's like I can be a thirty two year

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Speaker 1: old man sometimes and still showing up as that eight

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Speaker 1: year old version of myself because this real trauma. That's

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Speaker 1: how I came to find my way in the world.

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Speaker 1: I guess I grew up the suburbs of Atlanta Georgia. Okay,

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Speaker 1: thirty minutes north. Nobody knows where Acworth, Georgia is. People

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Speaker 1: alread know where Cannis is now, but yeah, like thirty

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Speaker 1: minutes north of Atlanta's so very nice neighborhood, good public schools.

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Speaker 1: Nothing in the environment that was triggering or harming to

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Speaker 1: my development, nor in the home either. My parents are

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Speaker 1: still married to this day, thirty eight years. But it

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Speaker 1: was just the social aspect of things where it's like

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Speaker 1: I feel like a total alien everywhere that I go.

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Speaker 1: I mean, so I was like they put me on

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Speaker 1: this gifted academic path and a lot of times like

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Speaker 1: I was one of two or the only black kid

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Speaker 1: in my classes. And then it's like through that route,

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Speaker 1: I'm a little of a nerd, And so I get

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Speaker 1: around like football teammates and they're like, you know, everybody

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Speaker 1: feel like they got to be macho, and I'm like

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Speaker 1: the nerd that's got to go do homework or you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, like, or my classes are in

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Speaker 1: a completian way, it's like why are you nerdy? Why

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Speaker 1: are you this? Why are you that? And it's like

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Speaker 1: I had friends growing up my neighborhood who became my

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Speaker 1: good friends. We just did all the same stuff together.

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Speaker 1: They were white, so it's like, oh, you ain't And

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Speaker 1: as a kid, it's like, I don't really. I wish

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Speaker 1: I had like the adult version of me for them

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Speaker 1: to be like, man, that's that's just them trying to

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Speaker 1: find their own way and project that on you because

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Speaker 1: you're interest into things. But I didn't have that, So

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh damn, I don't want to feel

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Speaker 1: like this. So I'm around these people, I'm act like

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Speaker 1: this around them. I'm gonna be like this. I'm in

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Speaker 1: that room. I got to make sure I show up

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Speaker 1: like this.

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Speaker 2: I hear that all the times from my friends who

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Speaker 2: are bi racial, mixed, however you want to describe it,

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Speaker 2: because that is a label. It is a true label,

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Speaker 2: and it's so unfortunate. Do you how do you identify

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Speaker 2: if someone said to you, are you a black man?

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Speaker 2: Or would you like, I'm a mixed man. You know

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Speaker 2: how Tiger Woods will say, well, I'm not one hundred percent.

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Speaker 2: Do you feel like you have to identify with black

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Speaker 2: and or white or what? I don't know what you're

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Speaker 2: mixed with.

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Speaker 1: I'm black, like my dad's just like light skin, my

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Speaker 1: mom's dark skins like I'm black.

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Speaker 2: So I'm really like, well, you're not mix at all.

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Speaker 1: I gotta do an ancestry kid or.

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Speaker 2: Something racist, Carrie, I.

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Speaker 1: Gotta do an ancestry can walking to me like, what are

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Speaker 1: some people think.

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Speaker 2: I'm the No you have you got to do the kid.

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Speaker 2: We need the kid.

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Speaker 1: I ordered the kid recently, but and I put this

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Speaker 1: live in it but I think I left town and

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Speaker 1: it's still on my counter months later.

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Speaker 2: But don't send them all your information because they're going

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Speaker 2: to use that to AIU. Okay, no, seriously, that is

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Speaker 2: because you look like everything is something else. People tell

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Speaker 2: you that your entire life.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, people, it's still to this day.

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Speaker 2: Interesting, fascinating. I'm racist. I'll deal with that. So so

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Speaker 2: what did you start? When did you start playing football?

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Speaker 1: I was four years old. We had just moved to Georgia.

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Speaker 1: We were in Colorado, my dad moved. We moved to Georgia,

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Speaker 1: so my dad got a job at Coke and I

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Speaker 1: guess they were just kind of like starting to throw

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Speaker 1: me into things. My first year of football, I was

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Speaker 1: playing offensive line. I wish I had my I think

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Speaker 1: my mom still has a picture somewhere, but she put

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Speaker 1: me out there with like this padding all over my body,

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Speaker 1: like bicet pad elbow pads, playing offensive line defensive line.

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Speaker 1: But then the next year, when I was five, I

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Speaker 1: started playing quarterback. And I played quarterback all the way

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Speaker 1: up until high school. And I was just fascinated with

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Speaker 1: like NFL films. I would binge watch it and my

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Speaker 1: parents would tell stories about like I'd be out there

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Speaker 1: playing quarterback and the coach to run and play and

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Speaker 1: I'd be like, we can't run it this way because

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Speaker 1: the way the defense is set up. We got to

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Speaker 1: run like a counter back this way and stuff like that.

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Speaker 1: So I was like as a kid, like my I was,

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Speaker 1: I was definitely gifted, like intellectually, so like football was

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Speaker 1: where I devoted a lot of that too, and other

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Speaker 1: sports played basketball and baseball, but football.

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Speaker 2: Was like the first one that was your So if

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Speaker 2: you played, you played other sports obviously. And it's so

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Speaker 2: funny when someone has a position of tight end, you

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Speaker 2: immediately think, oh, they should be playing ball, you know,

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Speaker 2: you immediately think that ended basketball rather, right, when did

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Speaker 2: you decide that football was going to be the path?

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Speaker 1: Well, the other sports kind of got eliminated going into

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Speaker 1: high school, I think I was probably like doing too

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Speaker 1: much playing baseball, like pitching and playing outfield, so I

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Speaker 1: have an elbow injury that I ended up hurting pretty

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Speaker 1: bad my sophomoree of high school playing football, and then

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Speaker 1: I got kicked off the basketball team halfway through my

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Speaker 1: junior year, probably when I was getting good, which is

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Speaker 1: like my first year was for varsity football was my

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Speaker 1: junior year too, So why.

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Speaker 2: Did you get kicked off arrested? Okay, well that could happen, right,

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Speaker 2: it happened.

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Speaker 1: It was like, well, I feel like I had like

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Speaker 1: too much pride to go back the next year because

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Speaker 1: they kicked me off. But then for my junior year,

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Speaker 1: I was like I had a good year, Like I

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Speaker 1: played defense, I had a whole bunch of tackles, and

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Speaker 1: then I got my first couple of scholarship offers at

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Speaker 1: the end of my junior year, and I was like, oh, football,

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Speaker 1: it is.

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Speaker 2: Football, it is yeah, so it eliminated and told you

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Speaker 2: where you were going to go. I of course have

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Speaker 2: to get to why were we arrested?

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Speaker 1: So there were these kids on my football team in

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Speaker 1: high school, and they like bashing people's car windows out

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Speaker 1: with like bat and like throwing coke cans and rocks

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Speaker 1: through people's house windows. And I was like, you know,

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Speaker 1: this kid trying to be cool and be yeah, and

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Speaker 1: so I was like, I'll drive us and go around.

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Speaker 1: And we were in the neighborhood next to the neighborhood

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Speaker 1: that I lived in, and then somebody was out walking

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Speaker 1: their dog. Somebody saw got my license plate or maybe

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Speaker 1: I was just like parked in one spot like a

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Speaker 1: very amateur. Yeah. Criminal, And then like basically like I

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Speaker 1: had to take the fall for everything. So I had,

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Speaker 1: like you know, that was a first offender, but I

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Speaker 1: had like felony damage to property and trespassing things I

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Speaker 1: had to go.

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Speaker 2: I was in court, like you didn't write out your people, Nah,

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Speaker 2: you just took the all for them. Wow, that says

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Speaker 2: a lot about you.

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Speaker 1: It's kind of like culture though you can't.

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Speaker 2: You just had to take the all. But you did

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Speaker 2: they have as much to lose as you had in

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Speaker 2: terms of their upside? Did they play sports where they.

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Speaker 1: Were all all on the football team, these were all

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Speaker 1: like all the dudes were talented in the car.

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Speaker 2: Did they go bro?

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Speaker 1: No, none of them did.

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Speaker 2: Okay, but you okay? So then you were like, yeah, it.

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Speaker 1: Was me, they got reduced to misdemeanors. So I was

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Speaker 1: like on probation for a bit and had to do

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Speaker 1: like this diversion program and go take all these classes,

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Speaker 1: and then I was fine.

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Speaker 2: Only reason why I asked is something about the how

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Speaker 2: old were you at the time, seen seventeen? There's something

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Speaker 2: about that age because for me, I got arrested probably

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Speaker 2: when I was fourteen for shop lives and I don't

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Speaker 2: know what. I just to do it. I was bored,

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Speaker 2: and I was hanging around a bunch of people who

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Speaker 2: were doing it, and they were getting new and I

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Speaker 2: think to myself, I had three hundred hours of community service.

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Speaker 2: I spent my whole summer doing community service. And I

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Speaker 2: was so embarrassed by that. But when you're bored, I

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Speaker 2: think that's just a level of how smart we are

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Speaker 2: and we have nowhere to place all of this this

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Speaker 2: energy that we have. Did you ever think of it

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Speaker 2: that one?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? And there's at least for me, there's this there's

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Speaker 1: me being an atticant, Like there's this addiction to high

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Speaker 1: risk behaviors that has been a theme throughout my life.

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Speaker 1: But like so stuff like that, like I was shoplifting,

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Speaker 1: I was you know, stealing a whole lot in college

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Speaker 1: and doing all these things. But it's like I'm getting this, like, oh.

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Speaker 2: It was so much fun. Yeah, it was a rush.

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Speaker 2: It was like, if I can get away with it,

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Speaker 2: let me do it again and again and again. When

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Speaker 2: did you know you had a problem with drugs?

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Speaker 1: I don't think I ever thought I did. I always

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Speaker 1: thought I was in control, probably until I overdosed.

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Speaker 2: When Naked Sports continues, Darren relives the day he overdosed

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Speaker 2: back in a moment.

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Speaker 1: Yoga Dog Dog.

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Speaker 2: This episode of Naked Sport is about Darren Waller and

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Speaker 2: the life that he's lived and of course, what's next

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Speaker 2: after being in the NFL. He shared his story of

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Speaker 2: addiction and recovery on other platforms. We begin now when

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Speaker 2: Darren cheers what was once his drug of choice? When

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Speaker 2: did you start taking drugs?

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Speaker 1: First thing was like painkillers my sophomore year high school,

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Speaker 1: fifteen years old. Then they started smoking weed, then got

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Speaker 1: introduced to bud Lighting Sky vodka along the way as well.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, it was it just kind of built up.

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Speaker 1: And then by the time I went to college, I

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Speaker 1: was just like full time, partying, part.

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Speaker 2: Time athlete, And you never thought you had a problem.

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Speaker 1: Nah, because I could always, like, you know, show up

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Speaker 1: and be like respectful and look you in the eye.

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Speaker 1: And my grades were always good, and you know, and

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Speaker 1: I'm playing football. I have all these things I can

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Speaker 1: justify like I can't have a problem. I'm a Division

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Speaker 1: one athlete, I'm at a great college. I'm YadA, YadA, YadA,

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Speaker 1: And so I could always hide behind that and just

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Speaker 1: be like, yeah, I'm just in college having a good time.

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Speaker 2: Interesting. And so you were like, I'm fine. I'm all

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Speaker 2: said they didn't. So when you get to there was

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Speaker 2: no level where you as you were in college or

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Speaker 2: even I know, when you got to the pros. But

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Speaker 2: they do drug tests.

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Speaker 1: I got into the system of guys that on my

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Speaker 1: college team that are like, you know, if we go

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Speaker 1: on this route, we got to be locked in. And

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Speaker 1: so when they would drug test us, they would drug

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Speaker 1: test us at the indoor facility, which we had to

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Speaker 1: walk up good ways to practice. So every day of

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Speaker 1: practice it was like a five hour energy shot bottle

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Speaker 1: of clean pea that I had in my girdle and

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Speaker 1: I'd put it over with my sneakers. So when they

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Speaker 1: practice ended, there'd be aligned for the drug tests. Your

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Speaker 1: crotch would be hot from practice because your pe had

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Speaker 1: to be a certain temperature or for them to accept it,

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Speaker 1: otherwise they'd be like nah, obviously. So I'd put it

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Speaker 1: in my crotch, keep it warm, and there'd be a

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Speaker 1: hole in the botto of my girdle and you can

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Speaker 1: squeeze the pee out into the cup. So I was

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Speaker 1: passing numerous tests.

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Speaker 2: How did you even how did you even come up

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Speaker 2: with that plan? Really curious that the process to be

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Speaker 2: like so, just so I won't get caught, this is

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Speaker 2: what I should do.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I was just basically soaking in knowledge from

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Speaker 1: what older guys on the team that I was rolling

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Speaker 1: with we're doing. I just absorbed it like a sponge,

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Speaker 1: you know.

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Speaker 2: So it's a whole process.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, in order to you know, keep what I'm doing

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Speaker 1: a lot, because I'm willing to do whatever for me

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Speaker 1: to keep doing what I'm doing. That's addiction.

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Speaker 2: Wow, fascinating, I feel because it feel like I got

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Speaker 2: so much trouble. I didn't feel like there was a

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Speaker 2: lot of trouble to you back then, looking.

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Speaker 1: Back, looking axis the whole time, it was exhausting, Like,

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Speaker 1: but it's crazy in the moment. You don't see it

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Speaker 1: that way. You're just like, oh man, I gotta like

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Speaker 1: because when I do, you know, get to where I

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Speaker 1: want to get, Like, it's the piece that comes from

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Speaker 1: taking what I'm.

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Speaker 2: Taking, right, So when you then I'm fast, I'm fast forwarding.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: So you go through college, you're able to avoid evade

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Speaker 2: whatever word you want to use this system because you

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Speaker 2: are really intelligent. This is what I always think. It's

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Speaker 2: interesting when people are breaking the law doing something that

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Speaker 2: they shouldn't do. Myself included, that's when you see how

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Speaker 2: smart someone because they're dumb criminals, right, something crazy.

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Speaker 1: So so I almost almost didn't make it through college.

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Speaker 1: It just like three strike thing. So I had two

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Speaker 1: strikes and made it out. But there was one time

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Speaker 1: where I think I had like a little bit of

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Speaker 1: clean time because like I was just under I had

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Speaker 1: to lay low for just like a little bit. And

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Speaker 1: it was after a fall camp scrimmage on a Saturday morning.

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Speaker 1: We had a piss test and this is when they

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Speaker 1: introduced a mouth swab. And they do a mouth swab,

402
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Speaker 1: they can detect if you viewsed like the last twenty

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Speaker 1: four or forty eight hours. And there was a dude

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Speaker 1: on my team where he's like odds to me, He's like,

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Speaker 1: I'm about to fail. So we swapped mouth swabs. I

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Speaker 1: give him my saliva, like so he can pass the test.

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Speaker 2: Like I've been clean, yeah for a little bit, Like

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Speaker 2: I can help you today. Yeah, I get your like, look,

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Speaker 2: I could do anything for you.

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Speaker 1: They're sitting me to outpatient programs and I'm getting tested

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Speaker 1: like like so there's like a little bit of spread

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Speaker 1: in there where I was like, all right, I'm clean,

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Speaker 1: but so I could help him day.

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Speaker 2: You know, that is crazy to me. So you're like

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Speaker 2: I'm the main one. But that tells me something. That

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Speaker 2: tells me you were really talented. That tells me that

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Speaker 2: they did everything to protect you because you were so

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Speaker 2: talented and you knew that and they knew that you

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Speaker 2: had a problem. Because if they're sending you to programs

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Speaker 2: and they're trying to take care of you, whoever they is.

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Speaker 2: Who was the day Georgia Tech.

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Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, my college coach, coach Johnson. He would always

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Speaker 1: be like anytime I call into his office or he's like,

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Speaker 1: you're tripping. But anytime they asked him an interview, like

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Speaker 1: he playing on Sunday and it's like I didn't even

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Speaker 1: believe I was going to play on Sunday. Interesting, that's crazy.

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Speaker 2: Does that? Did that make you feel good about yourself

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Speaker 2: knowing how talented you were that they would do by

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Speaker 2: any means necessary to protect you.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't see it that way because I didn't really

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Speaker 1: have a lot of confidence in myself.

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Speaker 2: How'd you see it?

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Speaker 1: Self? Respect? It was just like it was just like

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Speaker 1: that's a comp You know how people are, like they're

435
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,320
Speaker 1: just like so awkward when they receive compliments. It's like

436
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,280
Speaker 1: they just cannot refuse it. They's like, ah, nah, I

437
00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:58,600
Speaker 1: wasn't just that was kind of me like silently, I

438
00:19:58,640 --> 00:19:59,960
Speaker 1: just like I don't even know how to receive it.

439
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,520
Speaker 1: But I just don't feel good about myself on a

440
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:03,560
Speaker 1: day to day basis.

441
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,919
Speaker 2: Did they ever try to do a mini intervention? Was

442
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,359
Speaker 2: there ever a time where someone said, you're so talented,

443
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,280
Speaker 2: you really got it? You really got to take care

444
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:12,800
Speaker 2: of yourself.

445
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,520
Speaker 1: A lot of people said that a lot of people

446
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,480
Speaker 1: at Georgia Tech. John Harbaugh repeatedly with the Ravens Ozzie

447
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:21,520
Speaker 1: Knew some would say that they come down in the CAFETERI, Nick,

448
00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:24,560
Speaker 1: what do you do, like, what do we gotta like?

449
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,760
Speaker 1: What do we gotta do? Like? And I'm just like

450
00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:29,520
Speaker 1: I leave that day get high?

451
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,280
Speaker 2: What'd you say when they say that?

452
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,359
Speaker 1: Be like I'm trying to stop man, Like I'm not

453
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,440
Speaker 1: like I give people to run around like that's to

454
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:37,960
Speaker 1: run around?

455
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,719
Speaker 2: Oh, but you knew you were telling them what they

456
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,880
Speaker 2: wanted to hear. But you knew right away you get

457
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,560
Speaker 2: high when you leave. Was that guilt?

458
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:49,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, that shame weighs on you. It's heavy, heavy, is exhausting.

459
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,000
Speaker 1: And then it's like you're trying to go out on

460
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:56,359
Speaker 1: the field and think like you're this undisciplined person in

461
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,080
Speaker 1: your personal life and like having shame and not really

462
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:00,680
Speaker 1: a lot of confident's suppos I'm supposed to go out

463
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,760
Speaker 1: in the field and be this disciplined performer with confidence,

464
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,879
Speaker 1: loyal to my team. It doesn't it's got to be

465
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,080
Speaker 1: you got to be that person and just without the

466
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:09,440
Speaker 1: pads on.

467
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:13,199
Speaker 2: I I'm listening to you tell this like version of

468
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,600
Speaker 2: this story, and all I think as I'm hearing you

469
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,880
Speaker 2: say this is that people really cared about you and

470
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,439
Speaker 2: really really loved you and really wanted you to be

471
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:27,439
Speaker 2: your best at all times, Like you had a community

472
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,399
Speaker 2: of people fighting for you. Why you weren't fighting for

473
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,120
Speaker 2: yourself all the time. And I know that probably makes

474
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:35,200
Speaker 2: you feel guilty, but I also would feel I would

475
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,320
Speaker 2: like on the outside looking in, I'm like, oh, he's

476
00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:39,960
Speaker 2: really special. I think it was more than just your talent.

477
00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,919
Speaker 2: They really felt like you were special. Did you feel that?

478
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:48,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was just hard to receive that level of love.

479
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,119
Speaker 1: I'm just like, you know, kind of talk about ther

480
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,160
Speaker 1: therapist saying from when we were kids, like his kids.

481
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,919
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I got to be doing something for

482
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,880
Speaker 1: people to love me, just the truth that's in my mind. Ye. Same,

483
00:21:58,119 --> 00:22:00,560
Speaker 1: So it's like I'm doing all these things that I

484
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,840
Speaker 1: know people would think are crazy if they knew I

485
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:06,880
Speaker 1: was doing them. So it's like I'm piece of shit

486
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,480
Speaker 1: in your mind kind of. And so it's like when

487
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,480
Speaker 1: people it's hard for you to process. So it's like

488
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,400
Speaker 1: if anybody was what was really loved, it was just like, ah,

489
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,720
Speaker 1: get away from me. Can people at arm's length because

490
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,000
Speaker 1: they're trying to the walls are closing in as opposed

491
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,480
Speaker 1: to me being able to see it as love.

492
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,760
Speaker 2: That's nice. That's nice, meaning like it's nice for you

493
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,000
Speaker 2: to recognize what it is now and the outside looking

494
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:29,480
Speaker 2: in that's nice. So then I can see Ozzie and

495
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:31,280
Speaker 2: Harwack coming to you, Sam, what's going on? You got

496
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,040
Speaker 2: to get it together and you're not the only one.

497
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,360
Speaker 2: I don't want you to feel like that. I hope

498
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:36,240
Speaker 2: I'm not making you feel like why just why aren't

499
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,560
Speaker 2: you doing this? I understand that that is a real

500
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,920
Speaker 2: issue because it's that's addictive behavior. And then you find

501
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:46,160
Speaker 2: yourself in a space where you, I guess maybe fail

502
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,359
Speaker 2: too many drug tests and they suspend you way too

503
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:49,879
Speaker 2: and they're like enough.

504
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:50,760
Speaker 1: To not way too many.

505
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,000
Speaker 2: Well, You're like, you have no idea. How many drug

506
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,480
Speaker 2: tests do you think you failed? Well, while you were

507
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:56,240
Speaker 2: in the league.

508
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,920
Speaker 1: I mean there was there was times like I'm getting

509
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:04,480
Speaker 1: a weekly FedEx in saying you tested positive for oxycodon,

510
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:10,400
Speaker 1: just positive for cocaine, just positive for marijuana, alcohol, like weekly.

511
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 1: And then there was a point in time after my

512
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,399
Speaker 1: second season where I tore my label on my shoulder

513
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 1: and I was just like, I'm just about to burn

514
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,720
Speaker 1: this all to the ground and I was just failing

515
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 1: every test on purpose. So I'll say one hundred maybe

516
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:27,560
Speaker 1: at least probably.

517
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,040
Speaker 2: Wow, Yeah, So what did it take for them to

518
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:33,080
Speaker 2: finally suspend you for you do? You got to rack

519
00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 2: up two hundred what what I mean?

520
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,920
Speaker 1: So if you just look at the scale, you got

521
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,720
Speaker 1: to rack up a lot of failed tests just to

522
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,240
Speaker 1: even be suspended for a game, like you go through.

523
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,000
Speaker 1: The first time you fail test, they put you in

524
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,639
Speaker 1: the drug program. You're just in the program. There's no

525
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:50,639
Speaker 1: real consequences. Next test your doc. One games pay, but

526
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,920
Speaker 1: you still play. Then it's two games pay, Then it's

527
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,879
Speaker 1: four games pay all before you even get to being

528
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,320
Speaker 1: suspended for a game. Then it's you're suspended one game

529
00:23:57,359 --> 00:23:59,280
Speaker 1: and then two games, then four games in eight games.

530
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:04,240
Speaker 1: Then I'll stand there planning for free second year.

531
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:08,359
Speaker 2: That's not funny.

532
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,600
Speaker 1: Dudes on the practice squad. Dudes on the practice squad

533
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,160
Speaker 1: were making more money than me my second year.

534
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,119
Speaker 2: That still didn't bother you.

535
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:21,199
Speaker 1: Hooks too deep at that point. So yes, yeah, not

536
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:22,119
Speaker 1: making a lot of money.

537
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:25,159
Speaker 2: Fascinating, it really is, because it just talks about how

538
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,159
Speaker 2: strong it can be. Whatever it is, whatever the vice is,

539
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,159
Speaker 2: whatever the addiction is. It could be. It doesn't have

540
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,440
Speaker 2: to be drugs. It could be a relationship, it could

541
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,600
Speaker 2: be shopping, like we talked about whatever it is, it

542
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,800
Speaker 2: could be, it could have such a hold on you, Yeah,

543
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:41,040
Speaker 2: that it doesn't matter what it is, it doesn't. So

544
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,360
Speaker 2: then you finally get to the point where they suspend

545
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,080
Speaker 2: you for a year, and you and you know that

546
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:49,640
Speaker 2: it's time, right, what do you feel? Are you embarrassed?

547
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:50,360
Speaker 2: Are you ashamed?

548
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 1: Yeah? Definitely a shamed. I remember I have a cousin.

549
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,560
Speaker 1: She lived in DC, and she was a part of

550
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 1: this this board of people that are like, it's like

551
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,840
Speaker 1: a leader summer leadership, a council for these kids in

552
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 1: DC that are, you know, trying to go whatever path

553
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:05,440
Speaker 1: they're trying to go, And they wanted me to come

554
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:06,880
Speaker 1: speak on it. I think it was like the day

555
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,040
Speaker 1: after I got suspended. I'm up there. I'm like, I'm

556
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 1: a complete fraud. Kids how I don't think it hit yet,

557
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,879
Speaker 1: but I got the letter and I was like, man, like,

558
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,119
Speaker 1: I'm up here telling these kids a whole bunch of

559
00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:22,240
Speaker 1: mores like that I'm not really living, you know. So

560
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,000
Speaker 1: it's and then from there I was just like I

561
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:29,080
Speaker 1: started using more. I mean, I'm I'm copper Hill's doing

562
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:29,960
Speaker 1: cold drinking.

563
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,439
Speaker 2: Great were here? Then we're gonna go all in.

564
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 1: I had to get stop. People were like, but when

565
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 1: you decided to stop, I was like, it wouldn't me

566
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,600
Speaker 1: decided to stop. I got stopped, I got parked.

567
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:42,760
Speaker 2: Okay, I have a question, but what you said about

568
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:47,199
Speaker 2: being a fraud. I had just interviewed Elliott Connie and

569
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:48,879
Speaker 2: he said the same thing about himself, but he was

570
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,280
Speaker 2: a fraud in a very different way. He said when

571
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,040
Speaker 2: he was playing baseball in college, he would see kids,

572
00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:56,280
Speaker 2: I mean dudes would come up to him and are

573
00:25:56,359 --> 00:25:58,560
Speaker 2: one dude in particular kind of nerdy. He was like, man,

574
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,760
Speaker 2: you got the life you playing, and you did that.

575
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,439
Speaker 2: I just want to be And he was like, susure,

576
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:04,960
Speaker 2: for all my life is horrible.

577
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,000
Speaker 1: Oh, I know that feeling also well when I was

578
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:09,040
Speaker 1: I guess one probably the thing that made me most

579
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:12,800
Speaker 1: fulfilled playing football, honestly was like when we would be

580
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 1: at practice and there'd be like young guys on the

581
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,440
Speaker 1: team or and you could see like they may drop

582
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,080
Speaker 1: the past or they may do something, and it's like

583
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:21,720
Speaker 1: like there's just kind of like a kid that's on

584
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,359
Speaker 1: the island on their own, feeling like I just messed

585
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,560
Speaker 1: all this up. It's like going over there and being like, hey, bro, like,

586
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:27,359
Speaker 1: don't trip, Like.

587
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:29,760
Speaker 2: Why did not fulfill you?

588
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,639
Speaker 1: Because I could just see myself back in my early

589
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,360
Speaker 1: career in times where it was just like I'm suffering

590
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 1: by myself and like those little moments start to stack,

591
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,119
Speaker 1: it can start the snowball as far as your mental

592
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:43,639
Speaker 1: health is concerned. I'll just go there and be like,

593
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,720
Speaker 1: just plaint that head. Be like ay, bro, like you

594
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,520
Speaker 1: ain't got to stay in that, like there's no there's

595
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,719
Speaker 1: no one thing that can ultimately define you. Because for me,

596
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 1: it's like I was defined by pass and mistakes. There's

597
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,040
Speaker 1: no hell hot to me.

598
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,000
Speaker 2: My equivalent would be pronouncing someone's name wrong. Yes, that

599
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:06,679
Speaker 2: hated in air. Okay, let's talk about the day if

600
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:08,600
Speaker 2: you don't mind that part.

601
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,439
Speaker 1: Yeah. August eleventh, twenty seventeen, I yeah, overdosed on. I

602
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,320
Speaker 1: was taking the Parker set. And there are people in

603
00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:17,959
Speaker 1: Baltimore at the time that are like, hey, like be careful.

604
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:20,399
Speaker 1: They're pressing pills. Now it could be fitting all d

605
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,800
Speaker 1: and so, but you know people are like, ah, it

606
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,000
Speaker 1: can't happen to me. Like I'm I'm like, I'm this

607
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:31,160
Speaker 1: athlete and at the time I would snort pill because

608
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,840
Speaker 1: like you get hit quicker, like does he take him

609
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,720
Speaker 1: orally like twenty minutes or so, like I need to

610
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,920
Speaker 1: be need for that immediately. Then I pulled up to

611
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:43,000
Speaker 1: the giant grocery store by my apartment and it was

612
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,199
Speaker 1: like about to get out the car, but then I

613
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,200
Speaker 1: was like, oo, if I get this car, I'm gonna

614
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 1: just PLoP on the ground, like it'll be a whole scene,

615
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,000
Speaker 1: Like can't have that. I just closed the door and

616
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,960
Speaker 1: just like sat back in my car and it was

617
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,720
Speaker 1: just like somebody pulled the plug from behind the TV.

618
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:02,080
Speaker 2: Really, yeah, when you're aware, you're aware, are you like.

619
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:03,560
Speaker 1: I was just it was just like I'm just like

620
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,240
Speaker 1: once again, it was like like like the plug by

621
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:08,600
Speaker 1: the TV got pulled, and I'm just like and then

622
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,440
Speaker 1: I wake up and it's like nighttime.

623
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,760
Speaker 2: And are you in the same space, And I'm like.

624
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:18,600
Speaker 1: Cold and like like big huge beads of sweat, Like

625
00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:21,040
Speaker 1: you never think your's beads of sweat would be that big.

626
00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:25,680
Speaker 1: It was just like whole like and I was just like, yeah.

627
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:27,560
Speaker 2: No one came to the car, no one knocked on

628
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 2: the door, no one noticed you sleeping. You were just

629
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:34,679
Speaker 2: in the parking lot by yourself. Then what.

630
00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,200
Speaker 1: I went home. My dad had landed. We're supposed to

631
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:38,640
Speaker 1: be moving out of my apartment the next day because

632
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,280
Speaker 1: I was I got suspended. I was moving back home

633
00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,360
Speaker 1: to my parents, and I just you know, got together

634
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,280
Speaker 1: and just started moving stuff out and just went home

635
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,800
Speaker 1: and never really told anybody until like I go through

636
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:53,680
Speaker 1: go through therapy, and then you're like, oh, like just falling.

637
00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:55,440
Speaker 1: I didn't just voluntarily take a nap that day.

638
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, So did someone have to tell you you overdose?

639
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 1: You like putting the pieces together? Like after I was like, ah, like.

640
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,719
Speaker 2: That's what that was. So you didn't know what that was.

641
00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:09,640
Speaker 2: And then you got on a plane and you you

642
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:11,760
Speaker 2: packed up, you bet your dad like no big deal,

643
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:12,680
Speaker 2: and kept doing your own thing.

644
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:14,760
Speaker 1: I just thought I was like too high or just like.

645
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 2: Do you know how incredibly lucky you are? Right and

646
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 2: so blessed.

647
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:21,200
Speaker 1: All the story.

648
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:25,880
Speaker 2: Wow, that's amazing. But your whole life, your whole life,

649
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:28,560
Speaker 2: So what do you do with this this vacation that

650
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:29,600
Speaker 2: the NFL gives you.

651
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:31,040
Speaker 1: I went to rehab in Maine.

652
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:33,560
Speaker 2: What made you do that? Because you overdosed?

653
00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:36,720
Speaker 1: Well, so that was when I didn't say anything coming

654
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 1: out of it. But once I got home. It was

655
00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:40,600
Speaker 1: just like I got a call from the Ravens doctors.

656
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:43,440
Speaker 1: They're like, we're afraid for your life. We're still getting

657
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,080
Speaker 1: your toxicology results. It just keeps getting worse and worse,

658
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,920
Speaker 1: like and so like once you see this addiction specialist

659
00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:52,680
Speaker 1: in Georgia and I went there and and the dudees like, yeah,

660
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:54,520
Speaker 1: I took this assessment and they're like, yeah, you need

661
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:58,920
Speaker 1: to go to rehab immediately, dual diagnosis, substance peace, mental health,

662
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:00,960
Speaker 1: everything like go.

663
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:02,400
Speaker 2: And You're like I'm out.

664
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:04,360
Speaker 1: I was just like you do I really need it?

665
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,400
Speaker 1: You're still Then it's like then after that, I was

666
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,720
Speaker 1: like okay, like I'm open. Then my parents kind of

667
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,480
Speaker 1: had a moment where it was like you could tell

668
00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:15,880
Speaker 1: like they wish they never had to have told me.

669
00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:19,120
Speaker 1: But it's basically like, yeah, addiction kind of runs in

670
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:19,760
Speaker 1: this tree.

671
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:22,760
Speaker 2: Oh so it's all coming together.

672
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,040
Speaker 1: So it's like I didn't really have a shot to

673
00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:26,160
Speaker 1: not be like this.

674
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:27,360
Speaker 2: Wow.

675
00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:29,360
Speaker 1: But then it's like a moment of like, oh, well,

676
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:30,240
Speaker 1: what are you gonna do now?

677
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:36,760
Speaker 2: So wow, that's a lot. Yeah, So your parents tell

678
00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:39,200
Speaker 2: you that it runs in the family, and how do

679
00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:40,600
Speaker 2: you respond to that?

680
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:44,560
Speaker 1: I think I respond pretty positively, just just enough openness

681
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:46,520
Speaker 1: to go and be like all right, like let me

682
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,080
Speaker 1: see what they got. And then it was just like

683
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:48,720
Speaker 1: a game.

684
00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:52,400
Speaker 2: Changing experience, which means getting in.

685
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:55,040
Speaker 1: Touch with like the first time, like I'm honest about

686
00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,280
Speaker 1: how I'm really doing and how I'm really feeling. And

687
00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:01,240
Speaker 1: it's just like I instantly feel lighter, like when I

688
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:04,120
Speaker 1: have somewhere to like put this yest that I just

689
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,520
Speaker 1: have fermenting on the other side of me.

690
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:08,200
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm excited, and it's like.

691
00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:10,719
Speaker 1: Oh, okay, I started diving into like the one on

692
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:14,840
Speaker 1: one therapy and going to meetings and you know, doing

693
00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:18,240
Speaker 1: all those things, and it's just like it was exactly

694
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:22,240
Speaker 1: what I needed. And I came home and kept going

695
00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:23,880
Speaker 1: to meetings, got a job at Sprouts.

696
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:27,920
Speaker 2: When we return, Darren tells us about his job stocking

697
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:31,080
Speaker 2: shelves at Sprouts while he was waiting to get back

698
00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:35,000
Speaker 2: in the NFL. He also talks about ultimately deciding to

699
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 2: retire from the league and getting a divorce from w

700
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:42,240
Speaker 2: NBA superstar Kelsey Plum back in a moment.

701
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,120
Speaker 1: This too shot pass. If you depressed, just know that

702
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 1: it's when you're afraid. Remember this shot.

703
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:51,000
Speaker 3: Pass.

704
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:57,440
Speaker 1: I know it's hard. Dogs, what you're telling Bro showed

705
00:31:57,480 --> 00:31:59,640
Speaker 1: your head. King, this too shot pass? You know you

706
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:00,920
Speaker 1: wish you with dad a baby.

707
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,000
Speaker 3: This is too shot past.

708
00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:04,080
Speaker 1: You can't see the way, but it's.

709
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:46,680
Speaker 3: Too shot pass. Yeah, I just want to turn the

710
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:47,800
Speaker 3: page on this whole thing.

711
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:50,480
Speaker 1: I'm done with this chapter. I'm done being an actor. No,

712
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,560
Speaker 1: they don't really care that. Just want to be entertained.

713
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:55,280
Speaker 1: What about me after? What about my joy? What about

714
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:55,720
Speaker 1: my peace?

715
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:56,000
Speaker 2: Dog?

716
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,680
Speaker 1: I'm gonna need green pastors. But I'll keep telling you.

717
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:01,040
Speaker 3: That I'm fine, that I want to make it work,

718
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:01,920
Speaker 3: but it's not time.

719
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,000
Speaker 1: I want to slow. I was at a grocery clerk,

720
00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:06,560
Speaker 1: so I was just like making the shelves look nice,

721
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:10,520
Speaker 1: and uh, people wanted autographed six pH water.

722
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:12,360
Speaker 2: Wait a second, do people know who you were while

723
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:13,440
Speaker 2: you were working at sprouts?

724
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:16,720
Speaker 1: I was not like a bit like maybe they did,

725
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:18,520
Speaker 1: but like I didn't really have.

726
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:20,520
Speaker 2: Anything physically look like somebody.

727
00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 1: They were just like, yeah, can you get this off

728
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:22,400
Speaker 1: the top?

729
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:26,840
Speaker 2: Yeah? You're like physically this big person is working. You

730
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:28,240
Speaker 2: don't look like you should be working here.

731
00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:30,240
Speaker 1: Like, shouldn't you be on the field somewhere. It's a

732
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:30,720
Speaker 1: long story.

733
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:34,520
Speaker 2: I'll tell you little talk to you too. So during

734
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,600
Speaker 2: that year you worked at Sprout, you went to therapy.

735
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,000
Speaker 2: Life humbles you and a very oh but the fact

736
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 2: that you went and got a job says so much

737
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,320
Speaker 2: about you. Do you understand, Like I'm sitting here like

738
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 2: happy for you because you did that. You didn't have

739
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:50,000
Speaker 2: to appreciate that. You didn't have to or did you want.

740
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,680
Speaker 1: I needed structure. That is why I realized, like, I

741
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:56,040
Speaker 1: don't got structure. I'm I'm fucked.

742
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:56,720
Speaker 2: Yeah.

743
00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:59,480
Speaker 1: So this dude that worked that assistant storemander As Sprouts

744
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:01,720
Speaker 1: when church my parents, He's like, oh, we got job

745
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,000
Speaker 1: openings and I was like, all right. I thought I

746
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 1: was gonna go there and be like, oh, I'm a

747
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,160
Speaker 1: Georgeta graduate. I could be an assistant manager too. And

748
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:08,399
Speaker 1: it was like, oh, we need a grocery clerk.

749
00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:11,759
Speaker 2: And I was like, and you did it, and you

750
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:14,080
Speaker 2: did it. That makes me happy for you.

751
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:15,760
Speaker 1: That's how God works. It's crazy.

752
00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:22,040
Speaker 2: He's such a good guy. Then the suspension is wrapping up, right,

753
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:24,600
Speaker 2: talk to me about how you got back into the

754
00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:26,879
Speaker 2: league and then you did so well.

755
00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:29,279
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just all crazy because I didn't even want

756
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:30,840
Speaker 1: to go back for real. But then I started training

757
00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: and I was realizing, like I don't really have anybody

758
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:35,319
Speaker 1: that measures this up against. But I feel like I'm

759
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:38,480
Speaker 1: getting pretty good or just like you know, like building

760
00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,879
Speaker 1: in my skill set. It's improving. And I get back

761
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:43,000
Speaker 1: to the Ravens that get reinstated in my first day

762
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:45,319
Speaker 1: of training camp, WHU, they're cooking everybody. But then they

763
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:47,759
Speaker 1: drafted Mark Andrews and hayten Hers and they're like, you

764
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:49,960
Speaker 1: know they already do don because I mean I never

765
00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:52,400
Speaker 1: really showed anything that they could put trust in. So

766
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,600
Speaker 1: I got cut and put on a practice squad. I

767
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:57,600
Speaker 1: was in the practice squad for like ten to eleven weeks,

768
00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:00,319
Speaker 1: and then we were there's a where they played play

769
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:03,720
Speaker 1: the Raiders one Sunday, and rather doing my pregame routine,

770
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:05,560
Speaker 1: me and this other receiver on the team, we'd run

771
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:07,799
Speaker 1: and throw extra routes with RG three would throw to us.

772
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,799
Speaker 1: And so that day I just do that and come

773
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:12,960
Speaker 1: in the locker room and put my sweats on, watch

774
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:14,960
Speaker 1: the game, go home. The next morning, my agent's like,

775
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:17,600
Speaker 1: you got signed by the Oakland Raiders. You're going to

776
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,319
Speaker 1: OpenD your flight set like noon. I'm not afterr shit.

777
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,359
Speaker 1: So I was like, yeah, I could use a new

778
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:25,520
Speaker 1: scene because you know, they were used to me being

779
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:29,239
Speaker 1: the yeah, and they were like they were like, oh,

780
00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:31,120
Speaker 1: we're proud of you how you're developing, Like if somebody

781
00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:32,520
Speaker 1: gets hurt, we'll give you a shot. And I'm just

782
00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:34,520
Speaker 1: like I need a new a scene where people kind

783
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:36,520
Speaker 1: of like like they're excited. They're like we want you

784
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:37,479
Speaker 1: here as.

785
00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:39,440
Speaker 2: Yea, you would have always been a relationship where they

786
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:39,799
Speaker 2: want you.

787
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just a different level. Yeah. Yeah, sorry, coach,

788
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:46,279
Speaker 1: I'm gone and going to the Raiders. And first couple

789
00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:47,759
Speaker 1: of games I played special teams And there was a

790
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:50,239
Speaker 1: week we played the Bengals. They had a couple of

791
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,160
Speaker 1: plays in me and for offense, and they touched the

792
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:55,000
Speaker 1: ball twice in the game. The first one I took

793
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:56,920
Speaker 1: a jet sweep for like twenty five yards and the

794
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:58,680
Speaker 1: other one I caught a pass for like forty seven yards.

795
00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 1: And I was like, I'm back, Yeah, this is like

796
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,200
Speaker 1: a this is you can't even write script this shit.

797
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 2: Yeah. I remember covering you and always talk about how

798
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:09,400
Speaker 2: great you were and your story was so inspirational. Was

799
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:11,759
Speaker 2: that to me? And I always thought to myself on

800
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:15,520
Speaker 2: the outside looking in, when everyone would have these what

801
00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:17,920
Speaker 2: we call packages about you and what you had been

802
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:21,720
Speaker 2: able to accomplish. I thought that felt like pressure, maybe

803
00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:24,640
Speaker 2: undue pressure. Did you like the attention that you were

804
00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:29,799
Speaker 2: receiving and the way the narrative had slipped from you know,

805
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,120
Speaker 2: he had this problem, but now he's back and he's

806
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:34,200
Speaker 2: bigger than ever and he's great and this is an

807
00:36:34,239 --> 00:36:37,279
Speaker 2: inspirational story and he's Was that any pressure for you?

808
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:40,319
Speaker 1: It all happened really fast. I went from working at

809
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:44,120
Speaker 1: sprouts to second best player in my position, like right

810
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:48,719
Speaker 1: on Travis Cocy's heels, and signing a big contract in

811
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:51,120
Speaker 1: less than a year and a half. Yep, So it's

812
00:36:51,239 --> 00:36:52,680
Speaker 1: it all happened fast, and I was not used to

813
00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:54,319
Speaker 1: being I was off the start every level. Like I

814
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,560
Speaker 1: was in high school, I was like the third highest

815
00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:58,919
Speaker 1: recredd recruited player on my team. There's coaches that would

816
00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:00,600
Speaker 1: come for two other guys and Lee they wouldn't talk

817
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,840
Speaker 1: to me. In college, I was one of the lowest

818
00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:06,239
Speaker 1: rated recruits in the class. I don't think I had

819
00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:09,000
Speaker 1: a thousand yards receiving My entire four years combined in

820
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:11,040
Speaker 1: college was like nine hundred seven yards. Like that's not

821
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:13,680
Speaker 1: eye popping to anyone. My first few years in the league,

822
00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:15,319
Speaker 1: I was just playing special teams, so it's like I

823
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,680
Speaker 1: was never like in that role of like he's the

824
00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:23,200
Speaker 1: So it was very strange to deal with, and it's.

825
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:24,840
Speaker 2: Like did you like it? Did you love it? How

826
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:27,600
Speaker 2: did it felty? Outside of strange?

827
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,400
Speaker 1: I like that. I feel like it was like another high,

828
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,840
Speaker 1: you know, Like I wasn't doing drugs and alcohol anymore,

829
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,560
Speaker 1: but the highs that came from that, the highs that

830
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:37,239
Speaker 1: came from relationships with women, access to that, and just

831
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:40,520
Speaker 1: the plays and just the plays on the field, the

832
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:42,400
Speaker 1: hot like really like the endorphins and the highs you

833
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:45,600
Speaker 1: get from making those plays. It was just like that

834
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:47,359
Speaker 1: was like those made me feel good. But then it's

835
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,319
Speaker 1: like those are all temporary, you know, so it's like

836
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:51,680
Speaker 1: come down and I'm like I'm still the guy that's

837
00:37:51,719 --> 00:37:54,040
Speaker 1: like I'm good at football, but like I'm not. I

838
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:55,800
Speaker 1: am I'm not willing to die for this shit, like

839
00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 1: you know, everybody's like each sleep breathe, like that was

840
00:37:58,600 --> 00:37:59,920
Speaker 1: just never me and I always feel like I had

841
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,040
Speaker 1: kind of had to hide that and.

842
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 2: Just still still yet another thing you can get to

843
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:06,719
Speaker 2: the top of one mountain and then you got to

844
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:10,160
Speaker 2: climb another. Exactly in your mind, it's always the way

845
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:12,000
Speaker 2: how do you stay sober?

846
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:15,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, sobriety is like a whole different thing for me

847
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:18,120
Speaker 1: now because I feel like drugs and alcohol for a while,

848
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:19,719
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, this is victory, like I've won,

849
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:22,120
Speaker 1: but really it was just like that was just like

850
00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:24,840
Speaker 1: the entry level for me because it's really you're not

851
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:26,319
Speaker 1: if you're dealing with drugs and alcohol, you're not really

852
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,600
Speaker 1: dealing with the root. You're dealing with the symptom. So

853
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 1: it's like there's a reason why I started to use

854
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,360
Speaker 1: drugs and alcohol. So if you take that, take those away,

855
00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:37,279
Speaker 1: I still got to deal with what put me in

856
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,480
Speaker 1: that place, which I don't think like I ever really did.

857
00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 1: Like the success happened so fast. I'm just like, oh,

858
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:43,759
Speaker 1: my life's great, Like I'm good, I'm this person people

859
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:47,239
Speaker 1: think is like this beacon of hope for recovery and

860
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,440
Speaker 1: turn my life around. What could go wrong? And it's

861
00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:54,520
Speaker 1: really just like now I'm learning, like through all those years,

862
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 1: through all the like relationships and the addictive patterns and relationships,

863
00:38:58,120 --> 00:39:01,040
Speaker 1: just like sobriety is more so to do with like

864
00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:03,680
Speaker 1: any emotional level than it is like what I may

865
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,239
Speaker 1: be using, Like the behavior can always change. So it's

866
00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:08,360
Speaker 1: just like it's a whole new journey.

867
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:13,359
Speaker 2: Now there is sobriety is is there this? I don't know,

868
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:17,160
Speaker 2: So I'm asking you, is there a constant because I

869
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:21,600
Speaker 2: fight to fight an urge of taking a pill or

870
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,760
Speaker 2: doing you know, having some whatever it is, I'm taking cocaine,

871
00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:28,200
Speaker 2: whatever it may be. Is there a constant urge to

872
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:31,440
Speaker 2: not do that or put yourself in rooms where that

873
00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:34,279
Speaker 2: is happening or in positions or places where people are

874
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:35,480
Speaker 2: doing that around.

875
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:37,640
Speaker 1: You at this position, around our recovery. No, it's not

876
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:42,040
Speaker 1: drugs or alcohol. It's it's more so from the emotional

877
00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:46,880
Speaker 1: place of like I need to do some behavior to

878
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:50,880
Speaker 1: not deal with the discomfort that I feel on some level,

879
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:53,680
Speaker 1: Like so that behavior could be shopping, it could be

880
00:39:54,239 --> 00:39:57,440
Speaker 1: a relationship, it could be whatever. And it's like, so

881
00:39:57,480 --> 00:40:00,279
Speaker 1: it's not like I'm trying to use drugs, alcoholicity, it's like,

882
00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:03,799
Speaker 1: how do I learn to sit with the discomfort of

883
00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:07,200
Speaker 1: my feelings and like take the contrary action that I

884
00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 1: to what I want to take to be able to

885
00:40:10,719 --> 00:40:13,400
Speaker 1: regulate myself and to be able to, you know, be

886
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:15,360
Speaker 1: the person that God wants me to be as opposed

887
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:18,719
Speaker 1: to like still being this person that needs to get

888
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:22,200
Speaker 1: a fix from something to feel better. That makes sense.

889
00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:28,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so heavy. Yeah, that's heavy. Wow, I don't

890
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:30,600
Speaker 2: understand it, but I empathize with it. But I think

891
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,359
Speaker 2: everybody has their own emotional struggle, and I think that

892
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,160
Speaker 2: it's you know, I honestly believe God gives his tough

893
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:38,640
Speaker 2: as battles to the strongest soldier so that you can

894
00:40:38,719 --> 00:40:45,840
Speaker 2: use your platform to encourage everybody. You then get married,

895
00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:49,480
Speaker 2: and then you get a divorce very publicly, a public

896
00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:55,080
Speaker 2: marriage or public divorce. Was there any time during that

897
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:57,640
Speaker 2: transition where you felt like I can't deal and I

898
00:40:57,719 --> 00:41:00,719
Speaker 2: need to cope. I need to do old school coping mechanisms.

899
00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:06,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, for sure, hundred percent, like cause that's that's tough,

900
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,640
Speaker 1: like and for me, like that's where the patterns of

901
00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:13,279
Speaker 1: the addictive patterns being in relationships went all the way

902
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,719
Speaker 1: up until being with her, And so it's like realizing

903
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:21,560
Speaker 1: now that it's like my definition of love needs to

904
00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:24,880
Speaker 1: be like completely retooled and dug up and have a

905
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:27,839
Speaker 1: new foundation, because what's love to me is really just

906
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,880
Speaker 1: like an emotional high. So it's like when the emotional

907
00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:34,120
Speaker 1: high a therapist that I work with, she was like,

908
00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:36,520
Speaker 1: you know, this is not to take a shot, but

909
00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:39,520
Speaker 1: it's like the relationships that you've been in in your

910
00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:43,080
Speaker 1: past is like people are dopamine vending machines, and when

911
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:45,320
Speaker 1: they don't have any more soda left in the vending machine,

912
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:48,279
Speaker 1: you go to a different vending machine to find it

913
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:54,200
Speaker 1: a sprite. And so it's just like Mike Tyson good Bunch.

914
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:57,640
Speaker 1: It's like it's like and it's like sitting with the

915
00:41:57,680 --> 00:41:59,640
Speaker 1: fact that it's like, you know, looking back, it's like

916
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:03,040
Speaker 1: man addictive pattern of just going coming in and out

917
00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:05,280
Speaker 1: of people's lives and things almost feeling like a blur

918
00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:08,239
Speaker 1: when you look back on these relationships. So it's just

919
00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:10,319
Speaker 1: like that's the crux of the work.

920
00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:10,520
Speaker 3: Now.

921
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:16,680
Speaker 2: It's just like what you describe isn't foreign. But I

922
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:18,279
Speaker 2: think men and women do that.

923
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:19,840
Speaker 1: Oh. I see all the time now. I hear in

924
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,319
Speaker 1: the songs on the radio. I see it in the

925
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,960
Speaker 1: movies we watch. Yeah, I see I see it through

926
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:26,919
Speaker 1: a completely different lens now, and it's just like, yeah,

927
00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:29,680
Speaker 1: it almost makes me appreciate. It's just like developing a

928
00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:32,600
Speaker 1: new definition of what intimacy is because it's not sex,

929
00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:35,480
Speaker 1: it's not you know those things that we think it is.

930
00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:37,600
Speaker 1: It's just like allowing yourself to be in front of

931
00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:39,880
Speaker 1: another person guards.

932
00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:42,160
Speaker 2: Down, Like that's the hardest thing.

933
00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:43,480
Speaker 1: I've never been able to do that.

934
00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:44,640
Speaker 2: That's the hardest thing any arning.

935
00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:45,600
Speaker 1: I'm running for the hills.

936
00:42:45,719 --> 00:42:47,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, don't don't ask me to show you who

937
00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:51,640
Speaker 2: I am? How dare you? Dare you ask me to

938
00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:54,799
Speaker 2: reveal who I am? Vulnerably sat of here? Excuse my

939
00:42:54,880 --> 00:43:01,720
Speaker 2: French fact? When you realize that that in this relationship

940
00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:05,400
Speaker 2: that you were in, when the high was gone, you

941
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:07,840
Speaker 2: were like, I can't do this anymore? What does that

942
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:11,200
Speaker 2: look like when the high is gone? I And here's

943
00:43:11,239 --> 00:43:14,160
Speaker 2: the reason why I asked, because your relationship was touted

944
00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:16,359
Speaker 2: so publicly and it was so beautiful, and everyone thought

945
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:17,960
Speaker 2: it was what they wanted, you know how people are,

946
00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:23,240
Speaker 2: and it probably was what you wanted, right right, it was? Yeah,

947
00:43:23,480 --> 00:43:27,239
Speaker 2: When when does it turn? When do you realize I'm

948
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:30,040
Speaker 2: not getting this high that I need to be here?

949
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:32,400
Speaker 2: What does that look like? In your life?

950
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:35,800
Speaker 1: It's a combination of things, starting with, you know, getting traded.

951
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:40,200
Speaker 1: I think they are getting back from honeymoon and then

952
00:43:40,239 --> 00:43:42,799
Speaker 1: being you know, cross country by myself most of time,

953
00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:46,760
Speaker 1: and no network of friends, not really going to meetings,

954
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:50,279
Speaker 1: relationship with God and faith kind of dwindling, and so

955
00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:52,680
Speaker 1: putting me back into that state of like, you know,

956
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:55,240
Speaker 1: seeking the high. And then there's gets the point where

957
00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:59,120
Speaker 1: she comes out there and you know, she's in a

958
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:02,440
Speaker 1: new environment, no network of people out there, this is

959
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:04,759
Speaker 1: a new chapter of her life, you know, and me

960
00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:07,960
Speaker 1: being a person like I was supposed to be like

961
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:11,040
Speaker 1: that stable you know, support for her to be like okay,

962
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:12,560
Speaker 1: like this is where we're going to get through the

963
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:15,600
Speaker 1: season where it's just like I'm like this ain't this

964
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:19,040
Speaker 1: ain't the high that I'm used to and just literally

965
00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:20,040
Speaker 1: like vanishing.

966
00:44:20,840 --> 00:44:24,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, you find yourself in a lot of ups and downs,

967
00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:28,800
Speaker 2: really really big highs and then really really really streams.

968
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:30,880
Speaker 1: There's no there's ever never there's.

969
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,840
Speaker 2: A middle ground for you. Never have you ever, have

970
00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:36,000
Speaker 2: you ever in your life remember a time where it's

971
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:36,640
Speaker 2: been middle ground.

972
00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:40,160
Speaker 1: Nah, it's starting to be formed now, putting some new

973
00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:43,600
Speaker 1: cement on the ground now, but yeah, never never before

974
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:46,239
Speaker 1: this year. As it's built, you you.

975
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:49,520
Speaker 2: Go to a new team, you play for the Giants

976
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:52,439
Speaker 2: for a bit and you decide you get sick. Help

977
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:55,000
Speaker 2: me know the process that that led you to retirement.

978
00:44:55,800 --> 00:45:00,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that was wicked before. So we played

979
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:04,440
Speaker 1: the Buffalo Bills last year Week six, and I just

980
00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:06,839
Speaker 1: had this moment. We're running I think it's like first

981
00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:09,560
Speaker 1: quarter or second quarter. We're running this running play and

982
00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:11,439
Speaker 1: I'm like leading through the hole. I'm a full back

983
00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:14,560
Speaker 1: down here, but this play is very effective, Like we're

984
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:16,440
Speaker 1: it's probably the best blockie I've ever happened. Like it

985
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:19,319
Speaker 1: was blowing the coach's mind. They're like what I was like,

986
00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:21,200
Speaker 1: I don't know. But in the first quarter, I'm just

987
00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:24,480
Speaker 1: looking at the moon. I don't know, and I'm just

988
00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:29,040
Speaker 1: like what the fuck am I doing? Like like literally

989
00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:31,759
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I'm out, Like like I'm like, I'm

990
00:45:31,800 --> 00:45:33,799
Speaker 1: gonna finish this year and give them all that I got.

991
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:36,239
Speaker 1: Like I try to have those kind of morals, but

992
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:40,520
Speaker 1: like I'm not here because I want to be here,

993
00:45:40,520 --> 00:45:42,080
Speaker 1: and I'm saying, yes, this is where I want to

994
00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:44,359
Speaker 1: be in my life. And I think like the next week,

995
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:46,920
Speaker 1: I had like one hundred yards in a touchdown and

996
00:45:47,239 --> 00:45:49,600
Speaker 1: were like, yeah, he's back. We're about to get on

997
00:45:49,680 --> 00:45:51,759
Speaker 1: the roll, and when my teammates I told I was done,

998
00:45:51,800 --> 00:45:53,279
Speaker 1: I was like, I came out the silent after I

999
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:54,839
Speaker 1: scored a touchdown doubt if. I was like, I'm still

1000
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:58,560
Speaker 1: done and yeah, but then it was I got hurt

1001
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:02,080
Speaker 1: against the Jets end of October. The following week, the

1002
00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:04,560
Speaker 1: following Monday, I was shooting a video with a rod

1003
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:06,600
Speaker 1: so I stayed back. I was hurt, got back to

1004
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:08,960
Speaker 1: my condo. Long story short, I think I had COVID

1005
00:46:09,120 --> 00:46:11,239
Speaker 1: coming down with his fever and I'm like, ah, I fuck,

1006
00:46:11,239 --> 00:46:12,760
Speaker 1: I got it again. Like I got to just sweat

1007
00:46:12,760 --> 00:46:14,960
Speaker 1: it out for the night, but then I couldn't breathe.

1008
00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:17,160
Speaker 1: I came down with like this viral infection of my

1009
00:46:17,239 --> 00:46:20,959
Speaker 1: lungs and then I'm like, oh yeah, I'm losing consciousness.

1010
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:23,360
Speaker 1: So I'm like trying to call nine one one and

1011
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:25,319
Speaker 1: they're saying they can't understand me. Then I finally get

1012
00:46:25,320 --> 00:46:28,440
Speaker 1: to my address clear enough and I get up out

1013
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:31,760
Speaker 1: of my bedroom, cut the lights on, stumbled in, propped

1014
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:33,400
Speaker 1: the shoe on the door so the parameddics could just

1015
00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:35,640
Speaker 1: swing the door open and sit on the couch, and

1016
00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:39,319
Speaker 1: I was just like breathing, fighting for my life, and

1017
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:41,239
Speaker 1: in between I'll take breas I would yell help to

1018
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 1: try to wake up my neighbors. And then I was like, damn,

1019
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,840
Speaker 1: I'm about to die here on this couch and I

1020
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:50,239
Speaker 1: don't really like the way that I'm going out, And

1021
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:53,279
Speaker 1: so the Paaramak and the cop got there just as

1022
00:46:53,320 --> 00:46:55,879
Speaker 1: I was like really starting to fade. And then I'm

1023
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:57,520
Speaker 1: just sitting in the hospital for three and a half days.

1024
00:46:57,560 --> 00:46:59,480
Speaker 1: I need help pissing, he help shit, and need help eating,

1025
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:04,160
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, yeah, the same, the same, the life. Man,

1026
00:47:04,239 --> 00:47:06,360
Speaker 1: Like I don't know, Like, I'm like I've given a

1027
00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:08,440
Speaker 1: lot to the game, and I feel like I just

1028
00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:10,399
Speaker 1: feel like my mission is accomplished here, and I feel

1029
00:47:10,440 --> 00:47:12,480
Speaker 1: like God had to do a lot to show me

1030
00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:14,920
Speaker 1: that and for me to be like okay and to

1031
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:17,560
Speaker 1: step out of my comfort zone, because the worst thing

1032
00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:21,360
Speaker 1: I want to do is look crazy to other people

1033
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:23,720
Speaker 1: and step out and say this is what I'm doing

1034
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:27,080
Speaker 1: and won't behold Guy's like, oh yeah, we about to

1035
00:47:27,400 --> 00:47:30,080
Speaker 1: hid them with the triple whammy at the beginning of

1036
00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:34,279
Speaker 1: the year. So yeah, very intense, very intense year.

1037
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:36,879
Speaker 2: How many lives do you have?

1038
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:41,480
Speaker 1: I'm pushing cats to the limits like I got. I

1039
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:42,280
Speaker 1: got a few.

1040
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:49,200
Speaker 2: More than nine, more than nine. I feel like your

1041
00:47:49,200 --> 00:47:51,200
Speaker 2: purpose is bigger than I than you even know.

1042
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:53,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have no idea at this very moment. I

1043
00:47:53,680 --> 00:47:55,520
Speaker 1: have no idea. Some days I'm like, I think I

1044
00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:57,719
Speaker 1: know where I'm headed, Like I feel like it's like

1045
00:47:57,920 --> 00:48:00,960
Speaker 1: some days I'm like like yesterday, I don't know what them,

1046
00:48:03,360 --> 00:48:05,520
Speaker 1: but I know like the decisions I may are supposed

1047
00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:07,200
Speaker 1: to have me in this season of me kind of

1048
00:48:07,239 --> 00:48:08,680
Speaker 1: abandoning everything that I think. I know.

1049
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:15,799
Speaker 2: I'm rooting for you. I feel it, you feel it.

1050
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:16,360
Speaker 1: I appreciate it.

1051
00:48:16,400 --> 00:48:18,319
Speaker 2: Darren Waller, thank you for being on naked. You were

1052
00:48:18,400 --> 00:48:22,480
Speaker 2: really naked. Oh yeah, really naked, like you came to play.

1053
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:25,200
Speaker 2: He don't have no clothes. I okay, I know you

1054
00:48:25,200 --> 00:48:26,759
Speaker 2: got to get out of here. Thank you so much

1055
00:48:26,760 --> 00:48:29,600
Speaker 2: for doing this. No, it was all you inspire me.

1056
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:34,359
Speaker 2: It's inspiring. I think if there's one thing I will say,

1057
00:48:34,560 --> 00:48:37,600
Speaker 2: I hope you can replace whatever shame it is you

1058
00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:42,640
Speaker 2: have with inspiration because your origin story and the arc,

1059
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:44,920
Speaker 2: the ups and the downs and ups and the downs

1060
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:50,000
Speaker 2: are so familiar. Everyone has it. They're just not as

1061
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:53,640
Speaker 2: honest about it. Yeah, and when you talk about it,

1062
00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:58,880
Speaker 2: it inspires me. Music in this episode of Naked Sports

1063
00:48:59,400 --> 00:49:04,120
Speaker 2: came from your truly Darren Waller, Internal Warfare, his latest EP.

1064
00:49:04,760 --> 00:49:07,920
Speaker 2: Also the other album Walking Miracle. Check it out wherever

1065
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:10,719
Speaker 2: you stream your music. Thank you again Darren for being

1066
00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:14,960
Speaker 2: so naked and allowing us to use your music. I

1067
00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:19,040
Speaker 2: hope you all enjoyed this edition of Naked Sports. Have

1068
00:49:19,080 --> 00:49:20,879
Speaker 2: a good one, but it is facts at the tony

1069
00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:21,439
Speaker 2: and the front.

1070
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:23,440
Speaker 1: Y'all might want to head to the back. In fact,

1071
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:25,880
Speaker 1: you know how I'm coming this therapy on mospit. I

1072
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:27,480
Speaker 1: learned to carry my weight in I ain't did a

1073
00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:30,120
Speaker 1: repinol CrossFit yet. Here are a lot of niggas talking

1074
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:32,360
Speaker 1: about their own bosshit. But I can't respect somebody that

1075
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:37,360
Speaker 1: ain't failed out for ain't lost shit. You know. See,

1076
00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:42,160
Speaker 1: my life circumstances have taught me some valuable lessons. It's

1077
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 1: all about perspective. Through what lens are you viewing the world?

1078
00:49:48,960 --> 00:49:51,200
Speaker 1: I had to really sit back and evaluate mine. Man.

1079
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:54,319
Speaker 1: As a result, my life changed forever.

1080
00:49:55,719 --> 00:49:59,800
Speaker 2: Naked Sports written and executive produced by me Carry Champion,

1081
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:04,080
Speaker 2: Produced by Jacques Thomas, Sound designed and mastered by Dwayne Crawford.

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Speaker 2: Associate producer Olubusaiel Shabby Naked Sports is a part of

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Speaker 2: the Black Effect podcast network in iHeartMedia