1 00:00:00,760 --> 00:00:03,400 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse, 3 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:15,080 Speaker 1: domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised. 4 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:24,639 Speaker 1: Episode six, Helpoyo Like a lot of California kids. One 5 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:27,920 Speaker 1: of my earliest memories is being in the car. When 6 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:31,080 Speaker 1: I was five years old. My Nana, Matata and I 7 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: would drive almost every weekend from San Diego to Di 8 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 1: Juanna to visit family. The driver's in anything special, Typical 9 00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:42,720 Speaker 1: California everyway, but as a kid, I treasure that time 10 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:47,080 Speaker 1: in the car, just me, my Nana, my Tata and 11 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:52,200 Speaker 1: the radio. Then my mom got behind the wheel. Suddenly 12 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,600 Speaker 1: the road was winding and we'd make frequent stops. We 13 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 1: became regulars at this little restaurant on the border. It 14 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: was home to junkies and hustlers. My mom was both 15 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: she's outings. She shoplifted and then use the money to 16 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 1: buy her drugs. Soon it wasn't just the two of 17 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: us in the car. We'd pick up passengers in Tijuana 18 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 1: and drive them across the border into the US. This 19 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,000 Speaker 1: was my mom's latest scheme to support her drug habit 20 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,600 Speaker 1: At just seven, I had a big idea of what 21 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:23,240 Speaker 1: was happening, but I wanted to help. It made my 22 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:27,319 Speaker 1: mom so happy when I was her little helper, and 23 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 1: that's all I wanted to make her happy. This is 24 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,120 Speaker 1: where my memory is kicking, so I can help my 25 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: mom tell some of the story. But I was just 26 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 1: seven along for the ride she was driving, and with 27 00:01:40,319 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 1: an attic behind the wheel, things can get a little complicated. 28 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 1: The drive isn't always straightforward. It felt like a lot 29 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 1: of twists and turns, often like we were just driving 30 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 1: back and forth without ever getting anywhere. 31 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 2: So I feel like my mom. 32 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,480 Speaker 1: And I need to talk about this time because it 33 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,800 Speaker 1: was crazy. I want to hear how my mom knew, 34 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:06,639 Speaker 1: if she knew where the hell she was going. I'm Emmy, 35 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,679 Speaker 1: and this is crumbs. It's a show uple the things 36 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 1: we settle for and the bits of ourselves that make 37 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:20,679 Speaker 1: us who we are. So Mom, we used to spend 38 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,079 Speaker 1: a lot of time in the car together. It's funny 39 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,680 Speaker 1: now because you don't really love driving anymore. I'm scared 40 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,360 Speaker 1: of driving now, But back then, we drive across the 41 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:37,160 Speaker 1: border a lot, and we'd stop at on the way. 42 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 3: El Poyo used to be a Mexican restaurant in Santy Cedro, 43 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:47,400 Speaker 3: which is very close to the border, and well, they 44 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:51,720 Speaker 3: sell Mexican food. You can get drugs outside in the 45 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 3: parking lot. You could buy stolen goods. People come there 46 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:59,440 Speaker 3: to sell stuff that they just shoplifted. Or you could 47 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,079 Speaker 3: pay someone to bring your relatives across the border from 48 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 3: Mexico into the US. And that's where I was working 49 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:10,520 Speaker 3: for a long time, bringing people across. And I was 50 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:15,000 Speaker 3: very good at this. This became my new career and 51 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:15,839 Speaker 3: I loved it. 52 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,079 Speaker 2: And you did it. We did it for years. 53 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, you were such a good little helper. 54 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, and we were pretty good at it. 55 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, we were. And then we would stop it it 56 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:33,399 Speaker 3: Boyo and drop off the people. Most of the time 57 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:36,880 Speaker 3: they'd stay there. Sometimes we'd drive them to La but 58 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,880 Speaker 3: usually they'd stay at at Boyo. And then I would 59 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 3: take you to celebrate, you know, I'd get you a 60 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:47,600 Speaker 3: happy meal. I'd go get my happy meal, aka my drugs. 61 00:03:48,320 --> 00:04:00,160 Speaker 3: And then what happens, Well, one day I met someone. 62 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,800 Speaker 3: As I'm driving into al Boyo, there's this guy. I mean, 63 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 3: there's a bunch of people there every day, but there's 64 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 3: this guy standing there talking to this girl and as 65 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 3: I'm driving in, for some reason, we made eye contact 66 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,000 Speaker 3: and he's talking to her, but he's looking at me, 67 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 3: and I'm looking at him, like who is this guy? 68 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 3: And this girl turns around to see who he's looking 69 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:26,960 Speaker 3: at and I know her and she doesn't really like 70 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:30,880 Speaker 3: me already, so she looks at me like, oh god 71 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 3: it she's looking at her. Anyways, I get out of 72 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:38,400 Speaker 3: the car and I'm there for a job and I 73 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 3: go inside to talk about crossing someone. I get my assignment, 74 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 3: but then I remember, I'm like, oh shit, emmy's in 75 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,919 Speaker 3: school and I won't make it back on time. Across 76 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 3: to pick up my kid from school. And this guy 77 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,680 Speaker 3: that was staring at me when I drove in and 78 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 3: said I'll go pick up your kid. I've never seen 79 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,719 Speaker 3: him in my life. I've never talked to him, but 80 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 3: he's offering to go pick up my kid from school. 81 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:12,200 Speaker 3: And I said, really, you would do that? Yes, okay. 82 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,240 Speaker 3: So I'm like, all right, well, are you familiar with 83 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:19,279 Speaker 3: this area? Yes? Okay. So I give him the address 84 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 3: to the school and tell them what to do, and 85 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 3: I leave to Mexico. And that was Keiko. That's how 86 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 3: I met Kiko. Kiko had just gotten out of prison 87 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,200 Speaker 3: a couple months before that, and he was actually there 88 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:40,839 Speaker 3: making a drug deal with someone. He was very tall, 89 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,599 Speaker 3: very well built. He had just beautiful eyes. He was 90 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,400 Speaker 3: just very good looking. And like I said, I drove 91 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 3: in and he was just staring at me, like there 92 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:56,400 Speaker 3: was this instant connection with him. I had never felt 93 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 3: that he offered to pick up my child, and I 94 00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 3: just knew that it was okay for him to go 95 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 3: pick up my kid from school. 96 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:08,360 Speaker 1: I mean, I guess the strange man just picks me 97 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,280 Speaker 1: up from school and I just go with him. Yeah, 98 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 1: you did well. Thankfully this man didn't kidnap me or 99 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: kill me. 100 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:21,840 Speaker 2: So then what. 101 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:26,360 Speaker 3: So I finished the job crossing this person. And then 102 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,080 Speaker 3: I came and met you guys at the boil and 103 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 3: I invited people to come with us to celebrate. We 104 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,760 Speaker 3: took him back to the motel we were staying at 105 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 3: and he never left after that to this day. And 106 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,080 Speaker 3: I realized that what I felt for Robbie or anyone 107 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:50,920 Speaker 3: else was nothing compared to what I felt for this guy. 108 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,920 Speaker 3: I think this was like my true love. 109 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,640 Speaker 1: Wait back up, you mee a total stranger. You have 110 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,159 Speaker 1: him picked me up from school and then he just 111 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,520 Speaker 1: comes home with us and. 112 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:06,600 Speaker 2: He never leaves. 113 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, pretty much. 114 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 1: God, that's such addic behavior. I mean, I'm just looking back, 115 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,920 Speaker 1: and you had a lot of instant connections. He goes 116 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 1: an attitude, so that probably played a role. 117 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, probably, But I don't know how to explain it. 118 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:23,640 Speaker 3: It just felt different. 119 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 1: I mean, he did stick around, But what made you 120 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 1: feel different about Ego than these other guys. 121 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,840 Speaker 3: It's the type of love where I cared about this guy. 122 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 3: I cared about what happened with him. I mean I 123 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 3: wanted to do things right with him. I was willing 124 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,280 Speaker 3: to change my life. I was willing to put the 125 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:51,560 Speaker 3: heroin to the side and start over again with him, 126 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 3: and he was willing to do that as well. Maybe 127 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,520 Speaker 3: we were tired, but we wanted the same things. We 128 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 3: wanted another chance at just living as normal of a 129 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 3: life as possible. 130 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:10,400 Speaker 1: It seems crazy to me because for me the way 131 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: looking back, that was just the beginning of a whole 132 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:23,640 Speaker 1: other cycle of craziness. Yeah, okay, so go comes on 133 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:24,640 Speaker 1: with us, and then what. 134 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,480 Speaker 3: I told him, if we're going to be in a relationship, 135 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,000 Speaker 3: we're going to do this right. He was on parole 136 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 3: and he hadn't reported to his parole officer. So I 137 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 3: had convinced him to call his parole officer and make 138 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,840 Speaker 3: an appointment to go see him in person and tell 139 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,320 Speaker 3: him I want to do this the right way. We 140 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:51,600 Speaker 3: were going to attempt to get clean and do things right. 141 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 3: I went with Kiko to his parole appointment and they 142 00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,280 Speaker 3: arrested him there. 143 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:02,520 Speaker 2: Well, I forgot, you go turn himself in. 144 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:06,880 Speaker 3: Yeah he did. It was actually the day after Mammy 145 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:07,960 Speaker 3: Licha got arrested. 146 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: That's crazy timing. She'd just been sentenced to more than 147 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:14,880 Speaker 1: fourteen years. 148 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, so Kikwa Mami Licha go to the same prison, 149 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 3: so weird. And right after this, I find out I'm pregnant. 150 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,880 Speaker 1: How did you find out you were pregnant? 151 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,960 Speaker 3: Well, for one, because so many years had gone by, 152 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 3: you know, you were already what eight years old? 153 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:39,080 Speaker 2: Seven? 154 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,960 Speaker 3: Seven? That was the last thing on my mind when 155 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,000 Speaker 3: I started feeling sick. So I went in for an 156 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,960 Speaker 3: AIDS test. I don't know if you remember that you 157 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:52,720 Speaker 3: and Papa Vitto took me to get my HIV results. No, Yeah, 158 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,719 Speaker 3: so I was pretty nervous about. 159 00:09:54,440 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: That because it's the eighties, the AIDS epidemic. Yes, because 160 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:03,280 Speaker 1: as you're an IVY user, you feel like you know 161 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,520 Speaker 1: your friends are dying of AIDS, and I feel like 162 00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:07,199 Speaker 1: you might have AIDS exactly. 163 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 3: So I go get this test, and I get a 164 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 3: phone call. The doctor wants to see me in person, 165 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 3: and of course I'm really scared, and so the doctor 166 00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 3: tells me, I have really good news. Your test came 167 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:28,800 Speaker 3: back negative for HIV, but you're pregnant. And I was like, 168 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:35,079 Speaker 3: what the fuck, Like, I'm on heroin, methrone, cocaine, everything, 169 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,120 Speaker 3: and I'm pregnant from a guy that I don't even 170 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,800 Speaker 3: know his real name, you know, other than Kiko, and 171 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:46,280 Speaker 3: he's in prison now, and my mom's in prison, and 172 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:47,959 Speaker 3: now I have to step up and be a parent 173 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:52,360 Speaker 3: for you again. So I got like on a methrone 174 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 3: maintenance treatment to try to get off the heroin and 175 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,560 Speaker 3: everything else and just try to get my life together, 176 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,439 Speaker 3: you know, at least for. 177 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:09,560 Speaker 1: Now we're living alone, just you and me. 178 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:17,200 Speaker 3: We had a very dysfunctional yet functioning little family. I'd 179 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,520 Speaker 3: go to the clinic and get my method one, you'd 180 00:11:19,559 --> 00:11:20,240 Speaker 3: go to school. 181 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:29,040 Speaker 1: I was part of that morning ritual of you have 182 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:30,959 Speaker 1: to go very early in the morning and to get 183 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:35,520 Speaker 1: your methadone. Otherwise it was just like all bad. And 184 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:39,400 Speaker 1: I remember just taking these trips and waiting in the 185 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,560 Speaker 1: car and you see this like line of junkies out there, 186 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:45,040 Speaker 1: you know, coming out the door, and they're all waiting, 187 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 1: and they all knew it, and they all knew me. 188 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:48,560 Speaker 2: They all have to come and say hi. 189 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: Oh my god, you're getting so big, and it's like 190 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:54,840 Speaker 1: it was like a thing like, oh, look, so there's 191 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,959 Speaker 1: so much Like it was just like I'd be like. 192 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 3: Look what, Oh, there's so and so somebody's kids or whatever. 193 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,240 Speaker 3: You know, Yeah, I'm just like okay. 194 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 1: But that was like and oh my god, they're going 195 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,520 Speaker 1: to be closed on this day. We have to go 196 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 1: with the lock box and get like Rember, I do 197 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:10,360 Speaker 1: remember these things. 198 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:19,920 Speaker 3: Cool. Yeah, that was our life for a long time. 199 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 3: So in my world, I was doing good because I 200 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,040 Speaker 3: was staying home. I was on methadone, and I wasn't using. 201 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,560 Speaker 3: Every day you'd come home from school, we had dinner 202 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,360 Speaker 3: every day. 203 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,960 Speaker 1: I remember like during this time, I felt like I 204 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,559 Speaker 1: was bonding with you because I You're the only person 205 00:12:37,559 --> 00:12:40,679 Speaker 1: that I had, and we would sit down and watch TV, 206 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: you'd cook or whatever, and I think you started being 207 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,600 Speaker 1: a little more involved in my life with school stuff. 208 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:51,840 Speaker 1: I have vivid memories of you nodding off. We'd be 209 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,240 Speaker 1: sitting down and just watching TV and you, you know, 210 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 1: the bowl of cereer or whatever, and you was just 211 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,720 Speaker 1: not off, Like your face would fall into the cereal 212 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 1: bowl or the strawberry and cream that you would make 213 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:05,440 Speaker 1: like that was. Or you'd fall asleep with with a 214 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,760 Speaker 1: cigarette on and burn the mattress and I'd have to 215 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,520 Speaker 1: put them out for you, you know, so that we 216 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:11,439 Speaker 1: wouldn't burn up. 217 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,760 Speaker 3: And I'd be like, thank you, baby. You were such 218 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,920 Speaker 3: a good baby, so good. 219 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,120 Speaker 1: So you know, all our mattresses had holes on them 220 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:23,320 Speaker 1: from cigarette burns. 221 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 3: Oh, my clothes had holes. 222 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, And it was just like, you know, that's what 223 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,679 Speaker 1: our life was like at that time. 224 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 3: But you never complained, you know, you never complained, And 225 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:40,960 Speaker 3: I guess I was happy, you know, because you were happy. 226 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,840 Speaker 3: You were okay, You were okay with everything. 227 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,280 Speaker 1: I mean, you were my mom. I just wanted you 228 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: to be happy. I didn't know anything else. I just 229 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,800 Speaker 1: wanted you to be happy because that would make me happy. 230 00:13:53,720 --> 00:14:00,400 Speaker 3: Yeah. So you're on. 231 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:04,360 Speaker 1: Methadone and you're pregnant and then what happens. 232 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,000 Speaker 3: It was just a really hard time. You know, I 233 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,720 Speaker 3: had to stop wean myself off of so many different 234 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 3: drugs and pills. I just know that I was really 235 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 3: trying to do everything right for you, for this new baby, 236 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:25,280 Speaker 3: for all of us. But it was the fucking hardest 237 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 3: thing I've had to do up until then. I really 238 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,400 Speaker 3: was trying to use less. I had to pass a 239 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:36,080 Speaker 3: drug test in order to get the methodone, but some 240 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 3: days I did slip up. Well, this morning, I wanted 241 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:44,040 Speaker 3: to get high, so I dropped you off at school, 242 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,440 Speaker 3: I went to get my methodone, and then I drove 243 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:51,640 Speaker 3: to my dealer's house. I got my drugs. I stopped 244 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 3: at the store and I bought some sour cream for 245 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:59,160 Speaker 3: my sore cream and strawberries. I'm getting on the freeway 246 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,240 Speaker 3: and I dropped the sour cream on the floor, so 247 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,360 Speaker 3: I bent down to pick up the sour cream, and 248 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,400 Speaker 3: there's a car literally like someone just lift their car, 249 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 3: not pulled over on the side of the freeway. They 250 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,120 Speaker 3: just left it right there and got off and ran. 251 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 3: I crashed into that car. I was just like barely 252 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,320 Speaker 3: gaining speed, barely getting on the freeway, but I was 253 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,200 Speaker 3: going fast enough for my stomach to get stuck inside 254 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,000 Speaker 3: the steering wheel and they couldn't get me out, and 255 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:31,000 Speaker 3: I guess I passed out and I ended up in 256 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:40,720 Speaker 3: the hospital. I remember the doctor telling me that I 257 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,960 Speaker 3: don't know if she's in shock from the drugs or 258 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,080 Speaker 3: from the impact of the car accident. And I just 259 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:52,000 Speaker 3: remember saying, I'm having a girl. But I said no 260 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,160 Speaker 3: more drugs. After that, it was just like the method 261 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:59,560 Speaker 3: one and that was it, and you did it, and 262 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:05,040 Speaker 3: that was born. Andrea was born the next month on methadone. 263 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,800 Speaker 3: It was around five pm when I started getting my 264 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,920 Speaker 3: labor pains and I was watching my show. I remember 265 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,480 Speaker 3: my sister lived across the street, and I guess I 266 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,960 Speaker 3: called her whatever she was ready to take me to 267 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,000 Speaker 3: the hospital, and I said, we're going to wait until 268 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:32,280 Speaker 3: this novella is over. And as soon as it was over, 269 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,160 Speaker 3: we dropped you off at you know, loose And that 270 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,160 Speaker 3: was kind of sad. You really wanted to go to 271 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,000 Speaker 3: the hospital, I remember. 272 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 1: I didn't, I think, because I always wanted my little 273 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,520 Speaker 1: brother or sister, because I was kind of an only child. 274 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,040 Speaker 1: I was an only child for the first seven years 275 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,760 Speaker 1: of my life, and that was. I always wanted somebody 276 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 1: to play with or do things with. So I can 277 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,920 Speaker 1: just tipically remember coming home from school at day and 278 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,280 Speaker 1: knowing you were to be there, and I walked in, 279 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,880 Speaker 1: I saw you holding Andreda in your arms, and she 280 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,879 Speaker 1: was so tiny and so cute. I just fell in 281 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 1: love with her instantly. 282 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,840 Speaker 3: Yeah, Andrea was a really cute baby. 283 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:13,879 Speaker 2: So you have Andrea. 284 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,800 Speaker 1: And then I remember you showed me how to change 285 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 1: a diaper and make a bottle, so I'm helping out 286 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,480 Speaker 1: sometimes with Andrea. 287 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:21,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, you helped me out a lot. 288 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 2: And then I. 289 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,119 Speaker 1: Remember you trained me to never answer the door to anyone. 290 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,959 Speaker 1: If anyone knocks, do not answer the door. And one 291 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,160 Speaker 1: day you left, then you said you'll be right back, 292 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:42,159 Speaker 1: and you never came back. So where did you go. 293 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:49,160 Speaker 3: I had just started using again, and I started shoplifting 294 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,959 Speaker 3: and crossing people to pay for my drugs now and then, 295 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,240 Speaker 3: and so this one day, I think I went around 296 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,040 Speaker 3: the corner. I don't know if you remember, there was 297 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 3: a little store and I really just meant to go 298 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 3: grab something there, but then I just got this overwhelming 299 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:09,879 Speaker 3: urge to go shoplifting. And in my head, it was 300 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,120 Speaker 3: just so easy I'm just going to go in and out, 301 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:17,679 Speaker 3: grab something, run out. It'll be quick. I'll go sell it. 302 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,800 Speaker 3: I already knew where to take it. I'll get high, 303 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:22,320 Speaker 3: go home. 304 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:27,679 Speaker 1: And you left me alone with a newborn baby. I 305 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: was so scared. I was just seven years old. 306 00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:35,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, I just I don't know. I wasn't thinking anymore. 307 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:41,320 Speaker 3: It's like, once that urge to use kicked in, nothing 308 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,120 Speaker 3: else mattered. 309 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,720 Speaker 1: So you got arrested, and then you get arrested a 310 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,880 Speaker 1: few more times, if I remember correctly. 311 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, I got arrested a few times for different things, 312 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:53,920 Speaker 3: and they just kept adding up. 313 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,240 Speaker 2: So things are bad again. 314 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 1: But then we go to Waldalajada, Right, so we crossed 315 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,480 Speaker 1: the border to Mexico as fugitives. 316 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:14,679 Speaker 3: Yeah. And so we're in Wallahara and we have a 317 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:15,440 Speaker 3: good life there. 318 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,120 Speaker 1: We have a house, we have a maid. 319 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,600 Speaker 3: Mamilicha really set us up like she always did, even 320 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:26,000 Speaker 3: from prison. She was taking good care of us. Yeah, 321 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,720 Speaker 3: and it was good. I mean I had you and Andrea, 322 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,360 Speaker 3: and I was clean. I think being away from San 323 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:33,439 Speaker 3: Diego really helped. 324 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,719 Speaker 2: Yeah. 325 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,760 Speaker 1: I ca'n't just what a happy kid I was. Then 326 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:43,560 Speaker 1: you were clean, We had money, Mamilita's money. I wasn't 327 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 1: so lonely all the time. And I have a sister 328 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,240 Speaker 1: now and buy Andrea these beautiful dresses. And I'd spent 329 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,080 Speaker 1: hours picking the nicest office for her to wear and 330 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,400 Speaker 1: dressing her up like she was my real life doll. 331 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:59,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, I remember that. That was nice. I think that 332 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,080 Speaker 3: was a really good time time for us. I did 333 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:05,280 Speaker 3: miss Kiko and I missed my mom, but it was 334 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:09,760 Speaker 3: still really nice for me. And you would hang out 335 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,880 Speaker 3: with all the other kids in the neighborhood and raise 336 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:12,600 Speaker 3: go cards. 337 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:17,400 Speaker 1: That's right, the Avalanchez that we talked about in season one. 338 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:24,040 Speaker 1: It was the only boy activity I actually liked. And 339 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:28,360 Speaker 1: then when I'm like nine or ten, Gigo gets out 340 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:28,800 Speaker 1: of prison. 341 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,479 Speaker 3: Yeah, Kiko gets out of prison and he comes to 342 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:38,880 Speaker 3: live with us, and I was so excited. This meant 343 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:44,159 Speaker 3: we could finally be a family again. You, me, Andrea, Kiko, 344 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,480 Speaker 3: and so Kiko goes to Mexico with. 345 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:55,040 Speaker 1: Us, and then the household dynamic changed because now it's 346 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:59,080 Speaker 1: like Geiko's there, and I felt like all your attention 347 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:05,240 Speaker 1: was going to him instead of us, and I resented 348 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,920 Speaker 1: that because it all went downhill after that. I feel 349 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:13,560 Speaker 1: like because he started using drugs again. And Kiko was 350 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,760 Speaker 1: violent towards you. He had his violent moments. 351 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, But at the same time, he was a family 352 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,879 Speaker 3: guy and we were a family, so I don't know, 353 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:27,159 Speaker 3: he was really protective over me and especially over you 354 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:31,119 Speaker 3: and Andrea. There's that one story that I always tell, 355 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:36,080 Speaker 3: the avalancha story. We talked about that one already too 356 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 3: in the first season, but I really loved that story. 357 00:21:39,359 --> 00:21:43,080 Speaker 3: There was that boy who would make fun of you, remember. 358 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,399 Speaker 1: Yeah, because I was a very feminine kid. 359 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:51,560 Speaker 3: And I think he probably envied what you had, you know, 360 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,960 Speaker 3: which was a family, because his mom had to work 361 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,320 Speaker 3: and he was always alone, and so you had a 362 00:21:57,359 --> 00:22:01,919 Speaker 3: better avalancha to begin with. And I remember that he 363 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:06,720 Speaker 3: broke your avalancha and you cried so much, and Kiko 364 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,119 Speaker 3: was really pissed. I remember that he stormed out of 365 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:12,680 Speaker 3: the house and ran up to that hill and he 366 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:19,200 Speaker 3: found that kid. And here's Kiko, this big guy, fresh 367 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:23,520 Speaker 3: out of prison. He picks up the skinny teenage boy 368 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:30,520 Speaker 3: and he threatens to pede his ass, and then he 369 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:34,439 Speaker 3: brings you stuff for a new avalancha, and you guys 370 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:43,720 Speaker 3: made a new one together. So for me, Yeah, Kiko 371 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:47,159 Speaker 3: had his flaws. He was a violent man, but he 372 00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:51,520 Speaker 3: was also a very protective man of his family. He 373 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 3: really loved us, and for me, it felt really good 374 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 3: for all of us to be together no matter what happened, 375 00:22:59,359 --> 00:22:59,560 Speaker 3: you know. 376 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, you tell this story a lot like 377 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,919 Speaker 1: it's your bragging story. I know you love it, and 378 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:08,720 Speaker 1: I get it. I also feel that way about Kiko. 379 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 1: But still I felt like when he shut up, things 380 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,840 Speaker 1: got worse. You start using it again, and before you'd 381 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:18,960 Speaker 1: been clean and you were paying attention to us. But yeah, 382 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,560 Speaker 1: I also do love him in a lot of ways. 383 00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:23,639 Speaker 2: He was there for us. I don't know. 384 00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:26,359 Speaker 1: I guess I don't know how to deal with that. 385 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:28,480 Speaker 1: You know, I feel conflicted. 386 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:33,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, I get that it's complicated. I mean I sort 387 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,040 Speaker 3: of feel the same way because my childhood was the 388 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:41,040 Speaker 3: same sort of with my parents. But he really did 389 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,280 Speaker 3: love you and he loved me. 390 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,720 Speaker 1: So Kiko joins us in wal Lahara, and you're happy 391 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:53,240 Speaker 1: we can be together. But to me, things started getting 392 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,640 Speaker 1: out of control because you both start using heroin. 393 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:04,240 Speaker 3: For what it's worth. I don't know if things would 394 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,760 Speaker 3: have been different. I don't know if you remember that 395 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,240 Speaker 3: I would go fly from Wullalahara to San Diego like 396 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:14,560 Speaker 3: every other month or so. Yeah, and so I started 397 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,840 Speaker 3: picking up some heroin to take back to Wallahaa. Not 398 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,639 Speaker 3: to excuse Gigo, but I was the one that started that, 399 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,480 Speaker 3: you know, and I would bring him a little bit back. 400 00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:27,199 Speaker 3: And then we started running out of the money. We 401 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:33,000 Speaker 3: spent all of money, Nita's money, and then what well, 402 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:36,360 Speaker 3: then I got pregnant, this time with Daniela, and so 403 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,000 Speaker 3: we left to San Diego so that I could have 404 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:41,399 Speaker 3: Danila when I was like seven months pregnant. But Kiko 405 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,399 Speaker 3: stayed back in Mexico, and so the plan was for 406 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,120 Speaker 3: us to come to the US so I could have 407 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:48,200 Speaker 3: her and then come right back to Walahaa. 408 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,400 Speaker 2: But that's not what happened. 409 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,880 Speaker 3: No. When we got back to Mexico, I find out 410 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,359 Speaker 3: that Gigo, I guess, had another woman staying at the 411 00:24:57,359 --> 00:25:00,760 Speaker 3: house where we lived while we were gone, and I 412 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,920 Speaker 3: just said, fuck this, I don't want to be here anymore. 413 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:11,800 Speaker 3: We're going back to San Diego. It was a very 414 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:16,200 Speaker 3: impulsive move, yeah, I mean we left everything the house 415 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,880 Speaker 3: exactly the way it was, furniture, everything. We just got 416 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:24,080 Speaker 3: up and left with nowhere to go. No money, nothing. 417 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:25,120 Speaker 3: We left. 418 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,480 Speaker 1: Almost four years after we first fled to Walajara. We 419 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 1: piled back in the car, this time with a toddler 420 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,680 Speaker 1: and a new baby in the back seat, and we 421 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 1: drove across the border again from Mexico, where we had 422 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:46,879 Speaker 1: a good life, back to San Diego. With all this 423 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,200 Speaker 1: driving back and forth and my mom and the driver's seat, 424 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:55,600 Speaker 1: I started wondering where are we going? That's often the 425 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,520 Speaker 1: way it is, having an addict for a parent. She 426 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,280 Speaker 1: was trying to go down a good road. I ended 427 00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:04,200 Speaker 1: up detouring with some terrible choice, totally backtracking, and then 428 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,679 Speaker 1: trying to reroute to a better destination. 429 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,040 Speaker 2: Over and over and over. 430 00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:13,040 Speaker 1: When I was young, I went along with it because 431 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,800 Speaker 1: I just wanted my mom to be happy. But as 432 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:19,800 Speaker 1: I got older, I realized this wasn't fair. I was 433 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,520 Speaker 1: tired of being driven around these crazy loops. And it 434 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,480 Speaker 1: wasn't just that my mom started driving the car off 435 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:31,720 Speaker 1: the road metaphorically and literally. At times, I wanted to 436 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,760 Speaker 1: get out of the car before she killed us both. 437 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:39,880 Speaker 1: But then it wasn't just me. Having siblings that changed 438 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:43,840 Speaker 1: everything for me. If I wanted to stop the car 439 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 1: from crashing, I was going to have to learn how 440 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:52,560 Speaker 1: to drive next time on Crumbs. 441 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:56,200 Speaker 3: Starting the myth use was one of the worst things 442 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:57,240 Speaker 3: I could have ever done. 443 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,960 Speaker 1: And I don't think I've ever been so mad at 444 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:10,359 Speaker 1: you as I was in that moment. Hey, listeners, there's 445 00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:12,560 Speaker 1: a lot of difficult subjects that we cover in this show. 446 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,480 Speaker 1: If you are someone you know needs help, you can 447 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:19,120 Speaker 1: reach the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Hotline 448 00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:22,880 Speaker 1: at one eight hundred sixty six Y two four three 449 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:27,120 Speaker 1: five seven. They'll connect you with information and resources on treatment. 450 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,280 Speaker 1: There's also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at one eight 451 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:35,719 Speaker 1: hundred two seven three T A l K. Both are 452 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:38,520 Speaker 1: available twenty four to seven. You don't have to be 453 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,560 Speaker 1: in crisis to reach out either. They're available for anyone 454 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:51,560 Speaker 1: who needs help. Crumbs is a Sonata production in partnership 455 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,800 Speaker 1: with Iheart'smikos Through Network and Trojan Horse. It's produced by 456 00:27:55,840 --> 00:28:01,239 Speaker 1: Hannah Bottom and edited by Margaret Catcher, Rodrigo Crespo and 457 00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:06,480 Speaker 1: Alex Umero, with support from Elizabeth Schutzeo. Original music by 458 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:12,160 Speaker 1: Dee Peter Schmidt and engineering by Carols Magagna, Emanuel Barra Studio, 459 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:16,920 Speaker 1: Recording by j TV Recording and Podcasting Studio Executive produced 460 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,640 Speaker 1: by Cono Byrne and Giselvan Says for iHeart, Alex Fumero 461 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,479 Speaker 1: and Margaret Catcher for Children, Horse, Gamila Victoriano and Joshua 462 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:29,719 Speaker 1: weinsteinfer Sonoro and me Emmi OLEA special things to Marina 463 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:34,920 Speaker 1: Coronella Gire and of course my mom Il Gambois. Listen 464 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 1: to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever 465 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:50,160 Speaker 1: you get your podcasts.