WEBVTT - Let's Be Raw...with Shannen Doherty 0:00:02.520 --> 0:00:08.360 This is Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doherty. Hi, everyone, 0:00:08.440 --> 0:00:12.200 welcome to a new episode of Let's Be Clear with 0:00:12.240 --> 0:00:14.760 Me Shannon Doherty. So, I've talked to you guys a 0:00:14.800 --> 0:00:21.160 lot about my cancer journey, my divorce, life in general, 0:00:21.960 --> 0:00:29.640 and I've broached the subject about obviously funeralists and trying 0:00:29.640 --> 0:00:33.879 to make things clean for the people that you leave behind. 0:00:34.120 --> 0:00:37.760 But I had an experienced very very very recently when 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:41.760 I was in Tennessee where I had decided that I 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:45.520 was going to get rid of a place there because 0:00:47.240 --> 0:00:50.959 I just felt that even though I have a lot 0:00:50.960 --> 0:00:55.000 of hopes and dreams and I'm a fighter, and I 0:00:55.040 --> 0:01:00.800 believe in science, and I think that something will come 0:01:00.800 --> 0:01:03.680 along that will keep on prolonging my life, like these 0:01:03.720 --> 0:01:10.319 amazing protocols and the meds that I'm on, or chemo 0:01:10.560 --> 0:01:16.240 or cart cell therapy. Just there's more options out there, 0:01:16.280 --> 0:01:21.720 and I know that I still felt that I needed 0:01:21.760 --> 0:01:27.760 to make things clean just in case. And listen, it 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:31.640 doesn't matter if you have a terminal disease or whatever. 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:35.360 I believe, yes, obviously you should live life to its 0:01:35.400 --> 0:01:39.720 fullest and embrace life while you're alive. But I guess 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:42.760 it's the cancer for me. That has really made me 0:01:42.800 --> 0:01:47.480 take stock of my life and shift my priorities. And 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:53.800 my priority at the moment is my mom and about 0:01:53.880 --> 0:01:56.040 making things. I know it's going to be hard on 0:01:56.120 --> 0:02:01.440 her if I pass away before her, but so sorry, 0:02:01.520 --> 0:02:06.920 this is a hard one for me. But because it's 0:02:06.920 --> 0:02:08.480 going to be so hard on her, I want other 0:02:08.520 --> 0:02:13.760 things to be a lot easier, meaning that I don't 0:02:13.800 --> 0:02:15.880 want her to have a bunch of stuff to deal with. 0:02:15.960 --> 0:02:18.800 I don't want her to have four storage units filled 0:02:18.800 --> 0:02:23.480 with furniture, because yeah, I have a furniture obsession. Some girls, 0:02:23.760 --> 0:02:27.840 you know, obsess over buying purses or shoes or clothes. 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:33.120 I buy furniture. It's my thing. I love furniture and 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:36.960 I love rugs. So I have storage units filled with stuff. 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:41.600 And I have a really good friend Julie who's starting 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:45.560 to like help me go through my storage and get 0:02:45.600 --> 0:02:49.360 rid of stuff and donate stuff and sell stuff. But 0:02:49.840 --> 0:02:55.280 there's bigger things, like houses that I have to worry about. 0:02:55.440 --> 0:03:01.920 And so we were in Tennessee and I was packing 0:03:02.000 --> 0:03:09.519 up one of the places there and it was really hard, 0:03:09.720 --> 0:03:15.560 and it was really emotional because to certain extent I 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:18.200 felt like I was giving up on this dream. I 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:21.200 was giving up on this stream of you know, building 0:03:21.240 --> 0:03:24.680 this property out and putting a house for me and 0:03:24.720 --> 0:03:27.480 a house for my mom, and then extending the barn 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:33.040 and rescuing horses and having a sanctuary for you know, 0:03:34.360 --> 0:03:37.320 hopefully enough land eventually that I would keep buying to 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:42.839 help rescue all these horses that are abandoned by their 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:45.800 owners because they're too old, or they get broken down 0:03:45.880 --> 0:03:50.800 because they work them too hard, and or what BLM 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:57.080 is doing with the wild horse roundups in California and 0:03:57.120 --> 0:04:03.080 Arizona and Wyoming and Colorado. Oh, and it's horrifying to me. 0:04:03.120 --> 0:04:08.480 And I see these bands, these families of horses just 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:11.160 being rounded up, and lots of dusts in the roundups 0:04:11.160 --> 0:04:16.160 because of helicopters and everything else. So I thought, you know, 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:20.640 that was one of my dreams of starting to help 0:04:20.720 --> 0:04:23.480 rescue and take some relief off of all these other 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:26.280 amazing rescues like Return to Freedom and all seated in 0:04:26.360 --> 0:04:34.560 the barn. And so I was packing up, and I 0:04:34.600 --> 0:04:39.440 started crying because again I felt like I was giving 0:04:39.560 --> 0:04:43.159 up on a dream. And what did that mean for me? 0:04:46.800 --> 0:04:50.719 Didn't mean that I was giving up on life. Didn't 0:04:50.720 --> 0:04:55.039 mean that I was like throwing in the towel, and 0:04:55.240 --> 0:04:57.000 you know, my mom was there and she was like, 0:04:57.120 --> 0:04:59.640 don't you know, don't get rid of this place like 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:02.760 it's and you don't have to and you can keep going, 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:08.719 and so yeah, absolutely I can. The funny thing is 0:05:08.720 --> 0:05:11.120 is that a week and a half later, when I 0:05:11.160 --> 0:05:15.680 went back to throw it all in a uh and 0:05:15.720 --> 0:05:20.039 have my friend Zach drive it back to California, I 0:05:20.080 --> 0:05:22.280 started noticing all the things wrong with the place and 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:24.000 like how much money it would cost me, and how 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:27.680 it was kind of a stupid idea anyway. So you know, 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:32.159 I think somehow the brain works in mysterious ways where 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:38.080 even though you're incredibly sad about something and it feels 0:05:38.080 --> 0:05:41.000 like you're giving up on something that was very special 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:45.200 and important to you, you know that it is the 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:50.240 right thing to do, and you know that it's it's 0:05:50.320 --> 0:05:54.240 going to give you a sense of peace and a 0:05:54.279 --> 0:06:01.279 sense of calm, and because you are helping the people 0:06:01.360 --> 0:06:05.920 that you leave behind just have a cleaner, easier transition, 0:06:06.560 --> 0:06:09.680 which brought me into a whole other area about like 0:06:09.839 --> 0:06:18.120 possessions I have. I've accumulated so much crap and it's 0:06:18.120 --> 0:06:20.720 sitting in a storage and I'm not enjoying it and 0:06:20.960 --> 0:06:25.360 others aren't enjoying it, And do I really need any 0:06:25.400 --> 0:06:30.000 of it? Do I need? Do I need to have, 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:33.360 you know, three dining room tables? I know it's so 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:38.240 sad in storage just because they were you know, antiques 0:06:38.240 --> 0:06:42.600 that I found. It's an amazing price at you know, 0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:50.239 some antique mart or or flea market. And the answer 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:53.480 is no, Like, none of us really need all the 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:56.240 stuff that we have, and we can all, you know, 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:59.240 do with a little bit of downsizing and not be 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.000 a hoarder, which I was becoming with all of my furniture. 0:07:02.680 --> 0:07:07.159 And you can still I gut still live my dream 0:07:07.200 --> 0:07:13.640 of helping horses buy and dogs and cows and sheeps 0:07:13.720 --> 0:07:16.280 and pigs and goats. I guess to live that dream 0:07:16.440 --> 0:07:24.560 by really participating with rescues that are far more capable 0:07:25.360 --> 0:07:29.720 than me of doing it. But it was Listen, it 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:34.880 was hard. And I talked to you guys at some 0:07:35.000 --> 0:07:40.480 point or at least touched on a will and what 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:43.840 you leave behind and how you do it and trying 0:07:43.840 --> 0:07:46.800 to make it as easy as possible, to keep on 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:48.920 saying that word easy. And again, I know it's never 0:07:48.960 --> 0:07:50.760 going to be easy. For the people in my life. 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:56.960 But maybe it's more about ease for myself. Maybe it's 0:07:58.560 --> 0:08:01.720 and I'm talking this out with you guys because I 0:08:01.720 --> 0:08:04.360 have so many thoughts and so many emotions about it, 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:07.960 and I have found this podcast to be really cathartic, 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:11.200 So I guess I'm using it as a therapy session. 0:08:11.280 --> 0:08:13.800 So thank you for digging in with me and listening. 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:17.680 And again, I'd love to hear your comments and everything else, 0:08:17.720 --> 0:08:21.680 So feel free after you listen to this to let 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:26.280 me know your thoughts on it. But I think it's 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:30.240 easy for myself. It's again that peace of mind. It's 0:08:30.360 --> 0:08:35.160 the looking at what you've accumulated over a lifetime. I'm 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:38.920 fifty two years old. I think I'm fifty two and 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:42.319 I've accumulated a lot of stuff, and some of it 0:08:42.400 --> 0:08:46.440 is gorgeous and valuable, and it's time to start selling 0:08:46.480 --> 0:08:51.520 that stuff off. It allows me to take more trips 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:54.720 because I'm making money. I'm selling it, so then I 0:08:54.720 --> 0:08:56.720 get to build different memories, and I get to build 0:08:56.760 --> 0:08:59.719 memories with the people that I love. I get to 0:08:59.720 --> 0:09:01.880 take my mom on vacations because I have all this 0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:04.960 extra sort of play money laying around and I'm not 0:09:05.040 --> 0:09:08.200 digging into the money that's in my state that's going 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:10.000 to make sure that everybody in my life is taken 0:09:10.040 --> 0:09:14.280 care of once I'm dead. So, yeah, do I need 0:09:14.320 --> 0:09:17.960 an armchair that I can sell for money? Do I 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:24.960 need any of this stuff that doesn't bring that much enjoyment. 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:27.840 After a while, you walk into your house or you 0:09:27.920 --> 0:09:31.920 walk into your storage unit, and it's just stuff. Especially 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:33.840 when it's been years and years and years since you've 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:36.679 looked at it, You're like, Yeah, I don't need this. 0:09:36.760 --> 0:09:39.800 It doesn't really bring me any great joy. What does 0:09:39.840 --> 0:09:44.920 bring me a lot of joy is, you know, taking 0:09:44.920 --> 0:09:47.560 my mom to the places that she's always wanted to 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:53.720 go to and building those memories with her. I took her. 0:09:53.840 --> 0:09:55.880 She had always wanted to go to Italy, So years 0:09:55.880 --> 0:09:59.560 ago I did this amazing trip to Italy with my 0:09:59.640 --> 0:10:05.720 mother and took her to you know, Positano and Rome 0:10:05.840 --> 0:10:10.000 and Tuscany and Florence, and we wanted to go to Venice, 0:10:10.040 --> 0:10:14.079 but it was kind of flooded at the moment. And 0:10:14.080 --> 0:10:17.040 that's something that she still talks about all the time. 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:21.200 She talks about that experience and what it was like 0:10:21.320 --> 0:10:23.840 to be with me, And I just remember getting out 0:10:23.840 --> 0:10:25.600 of the car with my mom as we were driving 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:29.800 to Positano, and she looked out from the cliff over 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:32.520 and she started crying. She had tears pouring down her 0:10:32.559 --> 0:10:37.520 face because she never really thought that she would see that, 0:10:37.800 --> 0:10:39.760 and she certainly didn't think that she was going to 0:10:39.800 --> 0:10:42.480 be able to see it with me. And those are 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:46.680 the memories, and that those are the things that matter 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:51.560 the most, not your possessions, not what you have. It's 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:56.400 all about building memories. And I have, you know, a handful, 0:10:57.600 --> 0:10:59.959 maybe more than a handful, but not more than two 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:03.080 handsful of really really really good friends, friends that like 0:11:03.200 --> 0:11:06.280 I cherish and I love, And I was with two 0:11:06.280 --> 0:11:09.520 of them, actually four of them last night and we 0:11:09.520 --> 0:11:13.880 were talking about, you know, another trip that we're planning 0:11:14.559 --> 0:11:20.160 and to keep building those memories. And I took my 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:23.480 mom with my best friend Chris and my best friend 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:27.960 Julie and her husband Honors and Hona, Ray and Kirby 0:11:28.000 --> 0:11:32.680 and we all went to Croatia on we rented a 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:34.959 boat and we went to Croatia and we traveled all 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:38.600 throughout Croatia. Again, my mom still talks about that trip, 0:11:39.000 --> 0:11:45.079 we all do, and so as I was so sad 0:11:45.320 --> 0:11:53.840 about giving something up. I'm also now reminded of the 0:11:54.000 --> 0:11:58.959 freedom giving that up has given me to then provide 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:03.560 memories not only for myself, not only treasured moments for myself, 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:08.600 but for the people that I love. And you know, 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:12.440 I'll touch on this in a different episode. I'll get 0:12:12.440 --> 0:12:16.319 into it a lot more in another episode. But in life, 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:19.000 you know, well, we all go we want to find 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:21.439 our person. We just want to find our person. And 0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:24.840 I've had a couple of moments where I thought I'd 0:12:24.840 --> 0:12:27.760 found my person as far as a partner goes, and 0:12:29.040 --> 0:12:33.640 recently I lost my person. And as hard as that was, 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:40.480 it gave me a couple of realizations. So one is, yeah, 0:12:40.480 --> 0:12:44.599 it's really hard to lose your person, and it's really traumatic, 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:50.560 and particularly when you're facing cancer or any disease, any 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:55.080 life altering event, you are so used to going to 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:57.280 your person and being able to have a conversation and 0:12:57.360 --> 0:13:00.720 being able to say, you know, that's it's your person. 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:06.320 So all of your fears you get to share with them, 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:09.719 and because they're your person, they're comforting, they know how 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:12.800 to help you through it, or you cry together, you 0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:18.480 laugh through it together. And I had to feel sorry 0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:23.600 for me a moment, you know, self pity moment where 0:13:23.679 --> 0:13:26.720 I was like, wow, like I don't sure it would 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:29.080 be nice to have my person, Like I don't have 0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:32.840 a person anymore. And then I kind of like slapped 0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:35.960 myself in the face and said, what are you talking about, Shannon? 0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:42.720 You lost one person, But because you lost that one person, 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:47.720 you put your trust and love and faith in so 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:54.320 many others that I gained like six persons. I know 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:58.560 that's incorrect grammar, because now instead of only turning to 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:06.400 one person, I turned to a lot of others. And 0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:10.280 what ends up happening is I get a completely different 0:14:12.480 --> 0:14:17.120 love and support and caring and advice from each one 0:14:17.160 --> 0:14:21.560 of them. And I love. Yes, it's a different kind 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:25.440 of a love, but my love for these people in 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:30.200 my life is so deep and so rich, and I 0:14:30.280 --> 0:14:32.520 know how much they love my mother, and I know 0:14:33.160 --> 0:14:35.240 how much they're going to take care of her when 0:14:35.280 --> 0:14:52.040 I'm gone, and how important that is to me. It 0:14:52.200 --> 0:14:56.560 also really bonded my brother and I together a lot more. 0:14:56.640 --> 0:14:58.960 I mean, I've always loved my brother and his family, 0:14:59.120 --> 0:15:03.240 but I just felt like I could open up to 0:15:03.320 --> 0:15:07.240 him more and not protect him from what I was 0:15:07.320 --> 0:15:09.200 going through because I tend to do that. I tend 0:15:09.240 --> 0:15:12.400 to protect the people around me, and I try not 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:16.840 to share so much stuff so that they're not perpetually 0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:23.520 in fear mode with me. And I've stopped doing that recently. 0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:29.080 I now call my brother and say, hey, I'm having 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:35.760 a really bad day. And I woke up really scared 0:15:35.840 --> 0:15:43.680 and really contemplating not being here anymore because I don't 0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:48.320 want to die. I'm I'm so not the person who 0:15:48.320 --> 0:15:50.600 wants to die. I mean, nobody wants to die. But 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:55.000 I have so many like hopes, and I have so 0:15:55.200 --> 0:16:01.600 much left to accomplish, and I can't imagine not being 0:16:01.640 --> 0:16:08.400 able to do that. And you know, my brother, My 0:16:08.480 --> 0:16:14.760 brother has a very very very strong belief system and 0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:19.000 he he you know, they go to church all the 0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:23.600 time and they pray all the time, and he's just, 0:16:24.560 --> 0:16:30.200 you know, a great human being. And I, you know, 0:16:30.320 --> 0:16:34.840 thoroughly believe in God and I I definitely have faith 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:38.680 and I believe, you know, that we're walking the path 0:16:39.880 --> 0:16:44.400 that we're supposed to. But he, I think his faith 0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:48.520 gave me what I needed at that moment when I 0:16:48.560 --> 0:16:54.120 called him in a weak state, His faith renewed sort 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:57.480 of my faith and made me stronger in my faith, 0:16:57.520 --> 0:17:01.480 which was really a great thing. And maybe that wasn't 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:03.920 something I would have gotten from my person before, whatever 0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:07.680 person that was. And you know, then I can call 0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:10.640 Chris and we'll cry together on the phone and we'll 0:17:10.680 --> 0:17:14.320 laugh together about it. Or I'll call Julie and you know, 0:17:14.560 --> 0:17:16.920 she'll be like, let's go here, let's go there, let's 0:17:16.960 --> 0:17:19.160 do it, like everything that you want to do, let's 0:17:19.280 --> 0:17:22.640 do it, like do your bucket list, like, let's do it. 0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:26.760 So I guess my point is is that if you're 0:17:26.800 --> 0:17:30.240 going through something difficult, and if you have a disease 0:17:30.560 --> 0:17:35.520 like I do, and everybody tells you, the internet tells 0:17:35.560 --> 0:17:38.520 you when you look it up, that there's a timeline 0:17:38.560 --> 0:17:44.000 on you, and you don't have a person, like it's 0:17:44.040 --> 0:17:48.200 okay to not have a person in the romantic sense. 0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:59.000 Just your friends are your person. And I'm so glad 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:05.280 that the last week and a half two weeks has 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:09.639 brought a lot of different emotions to the surface, from 0:18:10.200 --> 0:18:16.520 giving up a home to what that led me to 0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:22.520 emotionally and coming to the realization that the material things 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:25.119 don't matter, that it's the time that I spend with people, 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:29.479 it's the memories that I build with them. It's you know, 0:18:29.560 --> 0:18:32.639 the road trip from Kentucky to Tennessee with you know, 0:18:32.680 --> 0:18:36.720 Holly and Drew. It's showing my mom leapers Fork in 0:18:36.760 --> 0:18:41.720 Tennessee for the first time and realizing that she connected 0:18:41.720 --> 0:18:45.960 with it as much as I connected with it, going 0:18:46.000 --> 0:18:51.600 on those trips with friends, planning things, downsizing, selling things off, 0:18:51.640 --> 0:18:54.399 and putting it in a you know, I now have 0:18:54.440 --> 0:18:58.800 what I call it bucket fund, and that bucket fund 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:03.320 goes along with a list that I made that it 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:05.040 is all about the things that I want to do 0:19:05.119 --> 0:19:09.000 with certain people, all the places I want to take 0:19:09.040 --> 0:19:11.280 my mom, all the things that I still have yet 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:15.440 to see and do, and the impact that I still 0:19:15.440 --> 0:19:18.159 want to make. So now I'm looking at it in 0:19:18.200 --> 0:19:23.720 a very positive sense and saying, I'm cleaning stuff up 0:19:24.640 --> 0:19:26.880 so that I can have a better quality of life. 0:19:27.400 --> 0:19:30.560 It's not even yes, ease for everybody else, but it's 0:19:30.920 --> 0:19:32.680 my quality of life is going to be so much 0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:35.800 better because I get to just take a lot of 0:19:35.840 --> 0:19:41.119 adventures and live out a good majority of my dreams 0:19:41.280 --> 0:19:48.040 that way. Obviously, this comes with you know, ups and downs. 0:19:48.080 --> 0:19:52.920 There's going to be times when I feel great about 0:19:52.920 --> 0:19:55.560 the decisions that I'm now making and there's going to 0:19:55.600 --> 0:19:58.600 be times and I'm really really sad about it, But 0:19:59.280 --> 0:20:00.800 those are the moments that I think that you have 0:20:00.840 --> 0:20:04.320 to draw a lot of strength from your friends and 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:07.240 your family, and a lot of strength from God and 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:14.680 just try to dig deep and try to be positive 0:20:14.720 --> 0:20:18.200 and try to believe that you know, there's a lot 0:20:18.240 --> 0:20:24.480 more life in you. You know, I had talked about 0:20:25.119 --> 0:20:29.800 a protocol that I said the word it's. My statement 0:20:30.040 --> 0:20:33.680 on the podcast was that, you know, I'm a I'm 0:20:33.680 --> 0:20:36.240 on a protocol that's it's like a miracle to me 0:20:36.400 --> 0:20:40.720 because it's it's it's working. It's not a miracle protocol. 0:20:40.760 --> 0:20:43.520 It's just a protocol like that's you know, they're just 0:20:44.760 --> 0:20:47.679 if they last a really long time like some of 0:20:47.720 --> 0:20:50.840 mine have. That's a miracle to me because I watched 0:20:51.240 --> 0:20:56.640 one of my best friends blow through protocols so quickly, 0:20:57.760 --> 0:21:00.840 and you know, she didn't she didn't cancer for long 0:21:00.880 --> 0:21:03.920 before she died because she just kept on blowing through protocols. 0:21:04.240 --> 0:21:09.000 Her body wasn't responding to them, versus mine that has 0:21:09.280 --> 0:21:16.080 responded really well to protocols. And I recently switched protocols again, 0:21:16.320 --> 0:21:20.719 and I guess part of this whole emotional thing was 0:21:20.800 --> 0:21:28.399 that I switched protocols and I have had like a 0:21:28.440 --> 0:21:32.080 lot of back pain and hit pain and knee pain. 0:21:32.400 --> 0:21:37.760 And to me, traditionally in the past, that has meant 0:21:38.280 --> 0:21:42.520 that the protocol isn't working. And I think, because in 0:21:42.520 --> 0:21:45.320 my head, I said, oh my god, the protocol is 0:21:45.320 --> 0:21:50.600 not working. I need to I need to, you know, 0:21:50.680 --> 0:21:55.320 settle things off. I need to make sure my will 0:21:55.640 --> 0:21:58.639 is and I've now double checked it five times and 0:21:58.720 --> 0:22:03.440 I keep on making changes to it and just making 0:22:03.480 --> 0:22:07.159 sure that it's ironclad and that everybody is taken care of. 0:22:20.640 --> 0:22:26.040 So when these pains started coming back, I was like, Okay, 0:22:26.080 --> 0:22:29.360 that's I. Yes, I'm getting rid of the place in Tennessee, 0:22:29.359 --> 0:22:31.399 as much as it hurts me to get rid of it. Yes, 0:22:31.520 --> 0:22:34.639 I'm I'm going to start selling off my furniture and 0:22:34.640 --> 0:22:38.639 my storage unit. But you're doing it with a little 0:22:39.560 --> 0:22:41.480 with a lot of fear behind it. By the way, 0:22:41.480 --> 0:22:47.200 I'm fine. It's actually the protocol causes this a little 0:22:47.240 --> 0:22:49.639 bit because it does something with your bone marrow. So 0:22:51.200 --> 0:22:54.679 once I spoke to my doctor and came clean about 0:22:54.760 --> 0:22:57.640 sort of the pain that I was in, which wasn't 0:22:57.680 --> 0:22:59.720 long by the way. It's not like I, you know, 0:22:59.760 --> 0:23:03.119 went months without speaking to him about it. I speak 0:23:03.119 --> 0:23:06.280 to my doctor basically every single day. But sure it 0:23:06.320 --> 0:23:08.800 took away the fear that I was blowing through yet 0:23:08.840 --> 0:23:13.040 another protocol. But it was through that that made me 0:23:13.119 --> 0:23:16.679 make all of the decisions recently that I've made, Like 0:23:16.720 --> 0:23:22.320 even with the Tennessee place, I'm like, thank God, thank God, 0:23:22.359 --> 0:23:25.840 because I dodged a bullet of just spending a fortune 0:23:27.400 --> 0:23:31.760 of trying to make some place great for what for me, 0:23:32.200 --> 0:23:36.600 Like my hospital, my doctor's everything is right here in 0:23:36.640 --> 0:23:41.199 Los Angeles. And and sure I love horses, and I 0:23:41.240 --> 0:23:43.680 love to ride horses, and I love to save horses. 0:23:44.240 --> 0:23:49.119 But I have a rescue an hour and a half 0:23:49.160 --> 0:23:51.879 away from me that's run by my friend Netta that 0:23:52.760 --> 0:23:57.800 it's called Return to Freedom, and I'm allowed there anytime 0:23:57.800 --> 0:24:02.160 I want, and I can walk the thousands and thousands 0:24:02.240 --> 0:24:06.600 of acres and take photos of these wild horses and 0:24:06.640 --> 0:24:11.760 pet them and feed them the burrows. So I already 0:24:11.840 --> 0:24:14.199 have that, I already. I don't know what I was 0:24:14.240 --> 0:24:19.000 thinking at the time, So when I originally looked at 0:24:19.000 --> 0:24:21.840 the property, it wasn't just for me, it was for uh. 0:24:23.600 --> 0:24:28.199 I thought it was I thought it was for you know, 0:24:28.240 --> 0:24:33.080 my relationship, and so it was a little different of 0:24:33.119 --> 0:24:35.960 a decision that I made, but also mainly to live 0:24:36.000 --> 0:24:40.080 out some sort of dream that I had. And I 0:24:40.119 --> 0:24:42.520 know that I'm rambling, and I'm so sorry and thank 0:24:42.560 --> 0:24:45.000 you for like putting up with the with the ramble, 0:24:45.280 --> 0:24:48.239 it's again, I'm sort of talking through all of this 0:24:48.400 --> 0:24:53.879 with you guys, And I think what I would really 0:24:53.920 --> 0:24:58.840 love is we did a Q and A episode. It 0:24:58.840 --> 0:25:02.560 would be cool to do an episode that is in 0:25:02.640 --> 0:25:07.719 response to this, where maybe you share your stories with 0:25:07.800 --> 0:25:12.919 me of how you're handling what you're going through in life. 0:25:13.000 --> 0:25:16.360 And again, you don't have to have a disease. It's 0:25:16.560 --> 0:25:23.840 any sort of hardship, right because life is hard, and 0:25:23.920 --> 0:25:27.919 losing a job is hard, losing a parent, losing a 0:25:27.920 --> 0:25:34.760 loved one, losing a friend is hard. Being diagnosed with anything, 0:25:34.880 --> 0:25:40.080 even if it's not life threatening is hard, losing friendships, 0:25:41.720 --> 0:25:46.000 all of it, like life just can be incredibly hard. 0:25:46.200 --> 0:25:48.840 So what I would find interesting is to hear how 0:25:48.920 --> 0:25:52.280 all of you deal with it. How do you deal 0:25:52.320 --> 0:25:56.399 with the hardships? And is it your faith? Is that 0:25:56.520 --> 0:26:01.879 your friends? Is it your husband, is that your wife 0:26:02.520 --> 0:26:05.280 is that your kids like, what is it that gets 0:26:05.320 --> 0:26:11.760 you through it? And what are your concerns? Because we all, 0:26:12.640 --> 0:26:17.240 I think most of us at least worry about the 0:26:17.280 --> 0:26:21.399 future in some way, shape or form. Worry about the 0:26:21.440 --> 0:26:24.600 future as far as do I have enough money to survive? 0:26:24.720 --> 0:26:26.320 Do I have enough money for my mortgage? Do I 0:26:26.359 --> 0:26:30.600 have enough money for my rent? My parents, that's sick, 0:26:31.200 --> 0:26:34.800 you know, how long do I have with them? We 0:26:34.920 --> 0:26:40.000 all go through life. It's worrying about something, and even 0:26:40.000 --> 0:26:42.760 if it's something as silly as how do others perceive us, 0:26:43.320 --> 0:26:45.560 which in the grand scheme of things, by the way, 0:26:45.680 --> 0:26:49.800 is an incredibly silly thing to worry about, because in 0:26:49.840 --> 0:26:52.359 my opinion, as long as you can look yourself in 0:26:52.400 --> 0:26:55.880 the mirror, that's all that matters. It doesn't matter what 0:26:56.680 --> 0:27:00.159 some keyboard warrior says about you, it doesn't matter what 0:27:01.359 --> 0:27:05.520 you know an ex friend is gossiping about you. All 0:27:05.560 --> 0:27:09.520 that matters is that you're happy with who you are. 0:27:10.520 --> 0:27:13.560 And I'm assuming that to be happy with who you 0:27:13.600 --> 0:27:17.720 are that means that you're living a good life and 0:27:18.080 --> 0:27:23.600 living by a karmic sort of law of you know, 0:27:23.720 --> 0:27:28.639 do unto others. And as long as you're doing that, 0:27:28.720 --> 0:27:31.720 it doesn't really matter what anybody else has to say 0:27:31.720 --> 0:27:36.720 about you own your own truth. I am nothing but 0:27:38.640 --> 0:27:43.160 raw and honest at this point in my life because 0:27:43.560 --> 0:27:46.480 what do I have to lose. I have nothing to lose. 0:27:47.280 --> 0:27:52.439 I do have a ticking time clock over me, So 0:27:53.520 --> 0:27:58.240 I'm not interested in lies. I'm not interested in anything 0:27:58.320 --> 0:28:05.040 but spreading my truth, being truthful to myself, being truthful 0:28:05.080 --> 0:28:09.440 to the people around me, being truthful to the fans, 0:28:11.000 --> 0:28:14.840 and just living like the most authentic life that I 0:28:14.920 --> 0:28:19.359 possibly can while I'm still here. So what do you 0:28:19.400 --> 0:28:28.800 guys worry about? What are your concerns? And let's use 0:28:28.840 --> 0:28:34.960 the Let's Be Clear pod instagram to and my instagram 0:28:36.560 --> 0:28:40.680 to really talk about that so that we can do 0:28:40.720 --> 0:28:43.960 an episode where we address all of it. I think 0:28:43.960 --> 0:28:46.880 that that would be a really important episode. And as 0:28:46.880 --> 0:28:50.480 far as this episode in my life, I know it 0:28:50.560 --> 0:28:55.680 seems incredibly heavy you guys, and it's felt heavy for 0:28:55.720 --> 0:29:00.880 the last two weeks for me too. But I'm turning 0:29:00.920 --> 0:29:07.120 a corner, and that corner is one of excitement, one 0:29:07.280 --> 0:29:13.200 of planning, one of saying again, Wow, I get to 0:29:14.680 --> 0:29:17.520 go do this and this and this now and have 0:29:17.560 --> 0:29:20.360