WEBVTT - Just Jennie … Empty Bedroom

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garl Hi. Everyone,

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<v Speaker 1>welcome back to I Choose Me, the pod where we

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<v Speaker 1>talk about all the choices we make in life and

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<v Speaker 1>how they shape us. So today it's another episode of

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<v Speaker 1>Just Me, Just Jenny, and I wanted to talk about

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<v Speaker 1>a very real, very current in my life topic. And

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<v Speaker 1>I know it's something that a lot of you out

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<v Speaker 1>there might be dealing with too, or you have maybe

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<v Speaker 1>somebody in your life that's dealing with it, or you

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<v Speaker 1>know someday you're gonna have to deal with it. So

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<v Speaker 1>it's been a little bit over two weeks now that

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<v Speaker 1>we packed up and made that early morning drive and

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<v Speaker 1>moved our youngest daughter, Fiona into her college dorm. Leaving

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<v Speaker 1>her there felt unnatural for sure. I've been doing a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of reminding myself that this is what happens. You

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<v Speaker 1>work for this moment, and this is actually a celebratory

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<v Speaker 1>thing that is happening. But I still have a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of conflicting feelings. Our house is a little quieter now,

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<v Speaker 1>but it definitely feels like something is missing. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>to be factual, someone is missing. It's really weird, you guys.

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<v Speaker 1>Every time I walk by her bedroom, I get sad.

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<v Speaker 1>I keep the door closed to stop myself, but sometimes

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<v Speaker 1>I go in and I look around and I smell

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<v Speaker 1>her familiar smells, and I see her things, and I

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<v Speaker 1>just lose it. Here's a pro tip. Do not open

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<v Speaker 1>the closet and see what's been left behind. Ah. There's

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<v Speaker 1>just something about that that rips you right open. When

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<v Speaker 1>I do choose to really let myself think about all

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<v Speaker 1>the feelings I'm having, I realize that there is a

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<v Speaker 1>lot there hiding behind all the happy and all the

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<v Speaker 1>excited and all the supportive feelings that I'm supposed to

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<v Speaker 1>be having. The ones we see all the other moms

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<v Speaker 1>talking about their newfound freedom and having it all, living

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<v Speaker 1>it up finally for themselves. As a mom of three,

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<v Speaker 1>I've always felt like my heart and my mind were

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<v Speaker 1>somewhat divided up by like four or five. Always with

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<v Speaker 1>each of the girls wherever they are, sending them constant

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<v Speaker 1>support and love and yes, worrying about them. I'm curious

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<v Speaker 1>about how they're doing day in and day out, and

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<v Speaker 1>then wondering if they're feeling good, how they're managing their

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<v Speaker 1>lives out there on their own. Are they taking care

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<v Speaker 1>of themselves. Are they happy, are they finding good people

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<v Speaker 1>to be with? Do they feel fulfilled? I feel so split,

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<v Speaker 1>actually spread thinner now in a way than I did

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<v Speaker 1>even when I was in the throes of the challenges

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<v Speaker 1>of raising them day in and day out. And then

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<v Speaker 1>whatever is left of my mind and heart is trying

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<v Speaker 1>to connect with where I am now, trying to remember

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<v Speaker 1>to choose to take care of myself, trying to feel

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<v Speaker 1>good about redefining this moment in my life. Sometimes there's

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<v Speaker 1>not a lot left to give for that. If I'm

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<v Speaker 1>being honest and I think about my sweet husband and

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<v Speaker 1>I recognize that I'm really not allotting much energy or

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<v Speaker 1>attention towards my marriage or him currently. That's a whole

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<v Speaker 1>different topic that we can talk about another time, one

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<v Speaker 1>that I actually really do want to work through with you.

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<v Speaker 1>But I'm going to try to stay on topic right now.

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<v Speaker 1>For many of us parents, this is a brand new

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<v Speaker 1>rhythm that we're all trying to figure out. Because I

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<v Speaker 1>know this isn't just my journey, it's a universal moment

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<v Speaker 1>for so many of us, and I think it's important

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<v Speaker 1>that we talk honestly about what it's really like for me,

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<v Speaker 1>for you, for any of us going through it. So

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<v Speaker 1>the first few days after the move in are kind

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<v Speaker 1>of a blur in my mind. There was, as you know,

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<v Speaker 1>the excitement of working beside her, imagining and setting up

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<v Speaker 1>her dorm room, getting her all settled in, that family

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<v Speaker 1>dinner afterwards, than the goodbyes, the quiet ride home, the

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<v Speaker 1>silence when you get home and there's nothing left to

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<v Speaker 1>do but sit in it. For me, the first week

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<v Speaker 1>was full of texts and calls. Are you okay? Do

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<v Speaker 1>you have everything you need? How are you feeling? How

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<v Speaker 1>are you getting along with your new roommate. I still

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<v Speaker 1>felt that connection, you know, that routine of being needed.

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<v Speaker 1>But now two weeks in the communication has started to

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<v Speaker 1>change a little and it's not as constant as it was.

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<v Speaker 1>It's more spaced out, and I try to respect her

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<v Speaker 1>new independence and give her that room to figure things

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<v Speaker 1>out for herself. And yeah, somewhere in that space is

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<v Speaker 1>a new, somewhat odd feeling of having more time for myself.

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<v Speaker 1>But more than anything, it just feels foreign, being needed less,

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<v Speaker 1>the absence of being under the same roof with her

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<v Speaker 1>day in and day out. This a new rhythm that

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<v Speaker 1>I am struggling to get used to one we're all

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<v Speaker 1>forced to get comfortable with when the birds fly the nest,

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<v Speaker 1>because you know, you send your kids off to college,

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<v Speaker 1>and you imagine them having the time of their life

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<v Speaker 1>right meeting all the new people, falling in love with

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<v Speaker 1>their classes and their professors, that excitement of being on

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<v Speaker 1>their own finally, and that is one hundred percent what

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<v Speaker 1>we truly want for them. But that doesn't mean it

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<v Speaker 1>comes naturally, and maybe the reality of them adjusting to

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<v Speaker 1>this new life might not be as we had hoped.

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<v Speaker 1>Because I've had a few calls with Fiona where I

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<v Speaker 1>can hear her sadness in her voice. You know, I

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<v Speaker 1>can feel her struggling. And it's not just the bizarre

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<v Speaker 1>new reality of living in close quarters with a complete stranger,

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<v Speaker 1>though that's there too, it's a deeper feeling of questioning things.

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<v Speaker 1>In our case, a lot of her friends left California,

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<v Speaker 1>where we live, and they went to big schools in

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<v Speaker 1>different states, and I get the sense that she's feeling

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<v Speaker 1>some second guessing about not having that same kind of

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<v Speaker 1>experience of kind of measuring her own up to those

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<v Speaker 1>of her friends that she's seeing on Instagram, and it

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<v Speaker 1>seems like everyone else is having this big, epic Friday

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<v Speaker 1>night lights kind of experience, and she's missing out. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know, she's not finding it yet. Her school is

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<v Speaker 1>a little smaller, there's no big football team, there's not

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<v Speaker 1>a ton of those school spirit opportunities that she sees

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<v Speaker 1>her friends having, and she's struggling to find her people

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<v Speaker 1>and she's not loving her classes yet. So for her,

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<v Speaker 1>I think it feels a little quiet and sort of

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<v Speaker 1>non climactic, like grand adventure she imagined herself having it

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<v Speaker 1>just hasn't quite started yet, and the fear that it

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<v Speaker 1>won't ever happen for her. It's really hard to hear

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<v Speaker 1>your kids wondering if they made the right choice. It's

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<v Speaker 1>so hard to hear them struggling to find their way.

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<v Speaker 1>This is where my core philosophy has been put to

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<v Speaker 1>the test, the challenge to choose myself, even when it

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<v Speaker 1>feels a little selfish. My first instinct is to want

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<v Speaker 1>to just jump in and solve all her problems, fix

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<v Speaker 1>things like I have always tried to do, to worry

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<v Speaker 1>and to let her anxiety become my own. But I

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<v Speaker 1>am continually reminding myself that I need to let her

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<v Speaker 1>feelings be hers, and I need to let her find

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<v Speaker 1>things on her own, and that my piece is now

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<v Speaker 1>more than ever a priority. So I am consciously choosing

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<v Speaker 1>to try to step back a little bit, kind of

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<v Speaker 1>like be a consultant, not a manager anymore. When she calls,

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<v Speaker 1>my job is not to fix things. It is to listen,

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<v Speaker 1>without judgment and without too much attachment. So I validate

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<v Speaker 1>her feelings of disappointment because they're real, but I also

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<v Speaker 1>try to remember to not get sucked in so deeply

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<v Speaker 1>to her problems. It's weird, I say, I understand that

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<v Speaker 1>this is unfamiliar, it's unknown for you, and it's okay.

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<v Speaker 1>It's really normal to feel this way. And then I

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<v Speaker 1>try to help her brainstorm ways to work through it.

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<v Speaker 1>I ask her, what is one thing you can do

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<v Speaker 1>this week to change the way you're feeling. My job

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<v Speaker 1>is to offer advice when she asks for it, and

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<v Speaker 1>then to step back and let her find her way.

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<v Speaker 1>That is, as it turns out, a lesson in me

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<v Speaker 1>taking care of myself too. It looks like it looks

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<v Speaker 1>like taking a walk after a tough phone call to

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<v Speaker 1>sort of process my feelings, or I'm talking to my

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<v Speaker 1>husband more about how I'm feeling instead of holding it inside.

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<v Speaker 1>And I'm focusing on this new rhythm here at home

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<v Speaker 1>so that my daughter can do the same thing at

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<v Speaker 1>her new home. It's really a way of honoring my

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<v Speaker 1>own needs but still being there for her. So I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know if you're going through this right now, I

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<v Speaker 1>want you to know a few things. First of all, grace,

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<v Speaker 1>give them grace, Give yourself grace. It is a hard

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<v Speaker 1>transition for everyone, and acknowledge the roller coaster of emotions

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<v Speaker 1>that's happening for both of you. And tell yourself this

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<v Speaker 1>is temporary and will become a more natural feeling and

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<v Speaker 1>easier to manage as time goes on. Another thing is

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<v Speaker 1>to listen more and talk less. Your kids need more

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<v Speaker 1>of a sounding board now, not a problem solver. Just

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<v Speaker 1>let them vent sometimes that's all they need. And trust

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<v Speaker 1>the work you've done. You've worked so hard to teach

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<v Speaker 1>your kids and instill in them that they have the

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<v Speaker 1>tools and the values they need to nowate this wild

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<v Speaker 1>new world. This is the moment to trust in your parenting.

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<v Speaker 1>You did it, They are capable, and you did a

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<v Speaker 1>great job. And maybe giving yourself that reminder of accomplishment

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<v Speaker 1>will feel good to you. The truth is your relationship

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<v Speaker 1>with your kid isn't ending, it's just beginning a new,

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<v Speaker 1>beautiful adult phase. This isn't about being needed less, it's

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<v Speaker 1>about being needed differently. And in this new phase, you

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<v Speaker 1>get to let them start choosing themselves and you get

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<v Speaker 1>to choose you in a whole new way. You too,

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<v Speaker 1>get to step out into a new, exciting version of yourself.

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<v Speaker 1>And yeah, that feels good. That feels kind of exciting.

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<v Speaker 1>And it's not necessarily easy for some of us. And

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<v Speaker 1>I hope that this little check in with where I

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<v Speaker 1>am at is helpful for anybody who is going through

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<v Speaker 1>this kind of change in their life. You got this,

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<v Speaker 1>we can do this. I love you. Until next time,

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<v Speaker 1>Take care of yourselves, and remember it's not just okay

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<v Speaker 1>to choose you, it's vital for your well being.