Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garl Hi. Everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to I Choose Me, the pod where we
Speaker 1: talk about all the choices we make in life and
Speaker 1: how they shape us. So today it's another episode of
Speaker 1: Just Me, Just Jenny, and I wanted to talk about
Speaker 1: a very real, very current in my life topic. And
Speaker 1: I know it's something that a lot of you out
Speaker 1: there might be dealing with too, or you have maybe
Speaker 1: somebody in your life that's dealing with it, or you
Speaker 1: know someday you're gonna have to deal with it. So
Speaker 1: it's been a little bit over two weeks now that
Speaker 1: we packed up and made that early morning drive and
Speaker 1: moved our youngest daughter, Fiona into her college dorm. Leaving
Speaker 1: her there felt unnatural for sure. I've been doing a
Speaker 1: lot of reminding myself that this is what happens. You
Speaker 1: work for this moment, and this is actually a celebratory
Speaker 1: thing that is happening. But I still have a lot
Speaker 1: of conflicting feelings. Our house is a little quieter now,
Speaker 1: but it definitely feels like something is missing. I mean,
Speaker 1: to be factual, someone is missing. It's really weird, you guys.
Speaker 1: Every time I walk by her bedroom, I get sad.
Speaker 1: I keep the door closed to stop myself, but sometimes
Speaker 1: I go in and I look around and I smell
Speaker 1: her familiar smells, and I see her things, and I
Speaker 1: just lose it. Here's a pro tip. Do not open
Speaker 1: the closet and see what's been left behind. Ah. There's
Speaker 1: just something about that that rips you right open. When
Speaker 1: I do choose to really let myself think about all
Speaker 1: the feelings I'm having, I realize that there is a
Speaker 1: lot there hiding behind all the happy and all the
Speaker 1: excited and all the supportive feelings that I'm supposed to
Speaker 1: be having. The ones we see all the other moms
Speaker 1: talking about their newfound freedom and having it all, living
Speaker 1: it up finally for themselves. As a mom of three,
Speaker 1: I've always felt like my heart and my mind were
Speaker 1: somewhat divided up by like four or five. Always with
Speaker 1: each of the girls wherever they are, sending them constant
Speaker 1: support and love and yes, worrying about them. I'm curious
Speaker 1: about how they're doing day in and day out, and
Speaker 1: then wondering if they're feeling good, how they're managing their
Speaker 1: lives out there on their own. Are they taking care
Speaker 1: of themselves. Are they happy, are they finding good people
Speaker 1: to be with? Do they feel fulfilled? I feel so split,
Speaker 1: actually spread thinner now in a way than I did
Speaker 1: even when I was in the throes of the challenges
Speaker 1: of raising them day in and day out. And then
Speaker 1: whatever is left of my mind and heart is trying
Speaker 1: to connect with where I am now, trying to remember
Speaker 1: to choose to take care of myself, trying to feel
Speaker 1: good about redefining this moment in my life. Sometimes there's
Speaker 1: not a lot left to give for that. If I'm
Speaker 1: being honest and I think about my sweet husband and
Speaker 1: I recognize that I'm really not allotting much energy or
Speaker 1: attention towards my marriage or him currently. That's a whole
Speaker 1: different topic that we can talk about another time, one
Speaker 1: that I actually really do want to work through with you.
Speaker 1: But I'm going to try to stay on topic right now.
Speaker 1: For many of us parents, this is a brand new
Speaker 1: rhythm that we're all trying to figure out. Because I
Speaker 1: know this isn't just my journey, it's a universal moment
Speaker 1: for so many of us, and I think it's important
Speaker 1: that we talk honestly about what it's really like for me,
Speaker 1: for you, for any of us going through it. So
Speaker 1: the first few days after the move in are kind
Speaker 1: of a blur in my mind. There was, as you know,
Speaker 1: the excitement of working beside her, imagining and setting up
Speaker 1: her dorm room, getting her all settled in, that family
Speaker 1: dinner afterwards, than the goodbyes, the quiet ride home, the
Speaker 1: silence when you get home and there's nothing left to
Speaker 1: do but sit in it. For me, the first week
Speaker 1: was full of texts and calls. Are you okay? Do
Speaker 1: you have everything you need? How are you feeling? How
Speaker 1: are you getting along with your new roommate. I still
Speaker 1: felt that connection, you know, that routine of being needed.
Speaker 1: But now two weeks in the communication has started to
Speaker 1: change a little and it's not as constant as it was.
Speaker 1: It's more spaced out, and I try to respect her
Speaker 1: new independence and give her that room to figure things
Speaker 1: out for herself. And yeah, somewhere in that space is
Speaker 1: a new, somewhat odd feeling of having more time for myself.
Speaker 1: But more than anything, it just feels foreign, being needed less,
Speaker 1: the absence of being under the same roof with her
Speaker 1: day in and day out. This a new rhythm that
Speaker 1: I am struggling to get used to one we're all
Speaker 1: forced to get comfortable with when the birds fly the nest,
Speaker 1: because you know, you send your kids off to college,
Speaker 1: and you imagine them having the time of their life
Speaker 1: right meeting all the new people, falling in love with
Speaker 1: their classes and their professors, that excitement of being on
Speaker 1: their own finally, and that is one hundred percent what
Speaker 1: we truly want for them. But that doesn't mean it
Speaker 1: comes naturally, and maybe the reality of them adjusting to
Speaker 1: this new life might not be as we had hoped.
Speaker 1: Because I've had a few calls with Fiona where I
Speaker 1: can hear her sadness in her voice. You know, I
Speaker 1: can feel her struggling. And it's not just the bizarre
Speaker 1: new reality of living in close quarters with a complete stranger,
Speaker 1: though that's there too, it's a deeper feeling of questioning things.
Speaker 1: In our case, a lot of her friends left California,
Speaker 1: where we live, and they went to big schools in
Speaker 1: different states, and I get the sense that she's feeling
Speaker 1: some second guessing about not having that same kind of
Speaker 1: experience of kind of measuring her own up to those
Speaker 1: of her friends that she's seeing on Instagram, and it
Speaker 1: seems like everyone else is having this big, epic Friday
Speaker 1: night lights kind of experience, and she's missing out. I
Speaker 1: don't know, she's not finding it yet. Her school is
Speaker 1: a little smaller, there's no big football team, there's not
Speaker 1: a ton of those school spirit opportunities that she sees
Speaker 1: her friends having, and she's struggling to find her people
Speaker 1: and she's not loving her classes yet. So for her,
Speaker 1: I think it feels a little quiet and sort of
Speaker 1: non climactic, like grand adventure she imagined herself having it
Speaker 1: just hasn't quite started yet, and the fear that it
Speaker 1: won't ever happen for her. It's really hard to hear
Speaker 1: your kids wondering if they made the right choice. It's
Speaker 1: so hard to hear them struggling to find their way.
Speaker 1: This is where my core philosophy has been put to
Speaker 1: the test, the challenge to choose myself, even when it
Speaker 1: feels a little selfish. My first instinct is to want
Speaker 1: to just jump in and solve all her problems, fix
Speaker 1: things like I have always tried to do, to worry
Speaker 1: and to let her anxiety become my own. But I
Speaker 1: am continually reminding myself that I need to let her
Speaker 1: feelings be hers, and I need to let her find
Speaker 1: things on her own, and that my piece is now
Speaker 1: more than ever a priority. So I am consciously choosing
Speaker 1: to try to step back a little bit, kind of
Speaker 1: like be a consultant, not a manager anymore. When she calls,
Speaker 1: my job is not to fix things. It is to listen,
Speaker 1: without judgment and without too much attachment. So I validate
Speaker 1: her feelings of disappointment because they're real, but I also
Speaker 1: try to remember to not get sucked in so deeply
Speaker 1: to her problems. It's weird, I say, I understand that
Speaker 1: this is unfamiliar, it's unknown for you, and it's okay.
Speaker 1: It's really normal to feel this way. And then I
Speaker 1: try to help her brainstorm ways to work through it.
Speaker 1: I ask her, what is one thing you can do
Speaker 1: this week to change the way you're feeling. My job
Speaker 1: is to offer advice when she asks for it, and
Speaker 1: then to step back and let her find her way.
Speaker 1: That is, as it turns out, a lesson in me
Speaker 1: taking care of myself too. It looks like it looks
Speaker 1: like taking a walk after a tough phone call to
Speaker 1: sort of process my feelings, or I'm talking to my
Speaker 1: husband more about how I'm feeling instead of holding it inside.
Speaker 1: And I'm focusing on this new rhythm here at home
Speaker 1: so that my daughter can do the same thing at
Speaker 1: her new home. It's really a way of honoring my
Speaker 1: own needs but still being there for her. So I
Speaker 1: don't know if you're going through this right now, I
Speaker 1: want you to know a few things. First of all, grace,
Speaker 1: give them grace, Give yourself grace. It is a hard
Speaker 1: transition for everyone, and acknowledge the roller coaster of emotions
Speaker 1: that's happening for both of you. And tell yourself this
Speaker 1: is temporary and will become a more natural feeling and
Speaker 1: easier to manage as time goes on. Another thing is
Speaker 1: to listen more and talk less. Your kids need more
Speaker 1: of a sounding board now, not a problem solver. Just
Speaker 1: let them vent sometimes that's all they need. And trust
Speaker 1: the work you've done. You've worked so hard to teach
Speaker 1: your kids and instill in them that they have the
Speaker 1: tools and the values they need to nowate this wild
Speaker 1: new world. This is the moment to trust in your parenting.
Speaker 1: You did it, They are capable, and you did a
Speaker 1: great job. And maybe giving yourself that reminder of accomplishment
Speaker 1: will feel good to you. The truth is your relationship
Speaker 1: with your kid isn't ending, it's just beginning a new,
Speaker 1: beautiful adult phase. This isn't about being needed less, it's
Speaker 1: about being needed differently. And in this new phase, you
Speaker 1: get to let them start choosing themselves and you get
Speaker 1: to choose you in a whole new way. You too,
Speaker 1: get to step out into a new, exciting version of yourself.
Speaker 1: And yeah, that feels good. That feels kind of exciting.
Speaker 1: And it's not necessarily easy for some of us. And
Speaker 1: I hope that this little check in with where I
Speaker 1: am at is helpful for anybody who is going through
Speaker 1: this kind of change in their life. You got this,
Speaker 1: we can do this. I love you. Until next time,
Speaker 1: Take care of yourselves, and remember it's not just okay
Speaker 1: to choose you, it's vital for your well being.