1 00:00:01,840 --> 00:00:09,440 Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garl Hi. Everyone, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:13,880 Speaker 1: welcome back to I Choose Me, the pod where we 3 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,759 Speaker 1: talk about all the choices we make in life and 4 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:22,200 Speaker 1: how they shape us. So today it's another episode of 5 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 1: Just Me, Just Jenny, and I wanted to talk about 6 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: a very real, very current in my life topic. And 7 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: I know it's something that a lot of you out 8 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,360 Speaker 1: there might be dealing with too, or you have maybe 9 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:45,720 Speaker 1: somebody in your life that's dealing with it, or you 10 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 1: know someday you're gonna have to deal with it. So 11 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,839 Speaker 1: it's been a little bit over two weeks now that 12 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: we packed up and made that early morning drive and 13 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:04,920 Speaker 1: moved our youngest daughter, Fiona into her college dorm. Leaving 14 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:12,319 Speaker 1: her there felt unnatural for sure. I've been doing a 15 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:16,720 Speaker 1: lot of reminding myself that this is what happens. You 16 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:21,240 Speaker 1: work for this moment, and this is actually a celebratory 17 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 1: thing that is happening. But I still have a lot 18 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:30,160 Speaker 1: of conflicting feelings. Our house is a little quieter now, 19 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:37,119 Speaker 1: but it definitely feels like something is missing. I mean, 20 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:41,840 Speaker 1: to be factual, someone is missing. It's really weird, you guys. 21 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,760 Speaker 1: Every time I walk by her bedroom, I get sad. 22 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 1: I keep the door closed to stop myself, but sometimes 23 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 1: I go in and I look around and I smell 24 00:01:53,600 --> 00:02:00,160 Speaker 1: her familiar smells, and I see her things, and I 25 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 1: just lose it. Here's a pro tip. Do not open 26 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,520 Speaker 1: the closet and see what's been left behind. Ah. There's 27 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:13,919 Speaker 1: just something about that that rips you right open. When 28 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:17,080 Speaker 1: I do choose to really let myself think about all 29 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:22,520 Speaker 1: the feelings I'm having, I realize that there is a 30 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:26,600 Speaker 1: lot there hiding behind all the happy and all the 31 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,959 Speaker 1: excited and all the supportive feelings that I'm supposed to 32 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,519 Speaker 1: be having. The ones we see all the other moms 33 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:37,919 Speaker 1: talking about their newfound freedom and having it all, living 34 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:42,720 Speaker 1: it up finally for themselves. As a mom of three, 35 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:46,400 Speaker 1: I've always felt like my heart and my mind were 36 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:52,280 Speaker 1: somewhat divided up by like four or five. Always with 37 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 1: each of the girls wherever they are, sending them constant 38 00:02:55,760 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 1: support and love and yes, worrying about them. I'm curious 39 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,240 Speaker 1: about how they're doing day in and day out, and 40 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 1: then wondering if they're feeling good, how they're managing their 41 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,519 Speaker 1: lives out there on their own. Are they taking care 42 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,799 Speaker 1: of themselves. Are they happy, are they finding good people 43 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 1: to be with? Do they feel fulfilled? I feel so split, 44 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:26,519 Speaker 1: actually spread thinner now in a way than I did 45 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:29,600 Speaker 1: even when I was in the throes of the challenges 46 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: of raising them day in and day out. And then 47 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:38,400 Speaker 1: whatever is left of my mind and heart is trying 48 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 1: to connect with where I am now, trying to remember 49 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:48,280 Speaker 1: to choose to take care of myself, trying to feel 50 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 1: good about redefining this moment in my life. Sometimes there's 51 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: not a lot left to give for that. If I'm 52 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 1: being honest and I think about my sweet husband and 53 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 1: I recognize that I'm really not allotting much energy or 54 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: attention towards my marriage or him currently. That's a whole 55 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,280 Speaker 1: different topic that we can talk about another time, one 56 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:24,000 Speaker 1: that I actually really do want to work through with you. 57 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 1: But I'm going to try to stay on topic right now. 58 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,760 Speaker 1: For many of us parents, this is a brand new 59 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,600 Speaker 1: rhythm that we're all trying to figure out. Because I 60 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:39,880 Speaker 1: know this isn't just my journey, it's a universal moment 61 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,120 Speaker 1: for so many of us, and I think it's important 62 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:47,920 Speaker 1: that we talk honestly about what it's really like for me, 63 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,800 Speaker 1: for you, for any of us going through it. So 64 00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:56,600 Speaker 1: the first few days after the move in are kind 65 00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 1: of a blur in my mind. There was, as you know, 66 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:05,160 Speaker 1: the excitement of working beside her, imagining and setting up 67 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:09,520 Speaker 1: her dorm room, getting her all settled in, that family 68 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:15,919 Speaker 1: dinner afterwards, than the goodbyes, the quiet ride home, the 69 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 1: silence when you get home and there's nothing left to 70 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 1: do but sit in it. For me, the first week 71 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:29,080 Speaker 1: was full of texts and calls. Are you okay? Do 72 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,720 Speaker 1: you have everything you need? How are you feeling? How 73 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 1: are you getting along with your new roommate. I still 74 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,040 Speaker 1: felt that connection, you know, that routine of being needed. 75 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: But now two weeks in the communication has started to 76 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 1: change a little and it's not as constant as it was. 77 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:51,760 Speaker 1: It's more spaced out, and I try to respect her 78 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:56,280 Speaker 1: new independence and give her that room to figure things 79 00:05:56,360 --> 00:06:01,240 Speaker 1: out for herself. And yeah, somewhere in that space is 80 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 1: a new, somewhat odd feeling of having more time for myself. 81 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:14,279 Speaker 1: But more than anything, it just feels foreign, being needed less, 82 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:17,800 Speaker 1: the absence of being under the same roof with her 83 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 1: day in and day out. This a new rhythm that 84 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 1: I am struggling to get used to one we're all 85 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:28,719 Speaker 1: forced to get comfortable with when the birds fly the nest, 86 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,360 Speaker 1: because you know, you send your kids off to college, 87 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 1: and you imagine them having the time of their life 88 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,840 Speaker 1: right meeting all the new people, falling in love with 89 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: their classes and their professors, that excitement of being on 90 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:44,160 Speaker 1: their own finally, and that is one hundred percent what 91 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,520 Speaker 1: we truly want for them. But that doesn't mean it 92 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,839 Speaker 1: comes naturally, and maybe the reality of them adjusting to 93 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 1: this new life might not be as we had hoped. 94 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,920 Speaker 1: Because I've had a few calls with Fiona where I 95 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,240 Speaker 1: can hear her sadness in her voice. You know, I 96 00:07:03,279 --> 00:07:08,160 Speaker 1: can feel her struggling. And it's not just the bizarre 97 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,920 Speaker 1: new reality of living in close quarters with a complete stranger, 98 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:18,200 Speaker 1: though that's there too, it's a deeper feeling of questioning things. 99 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:22,240 Speaker 1: In our case, a lot of her friends left California, 100 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,240 Speaker 1: where we live, and they went to big schools in 101 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 1: different states, and I get the sense that she's feeling 102 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 1: some second guessing about not having that same kind of 103 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:36,560 Speaker 1: experience of kind of measuring her own up to those 104 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: of her friends that she's seeing on Instagram, and it 105 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 1: seems like everyone else is having this big, epic Friday 106 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 1: night lights kind of experience, and she's missing out. I 107 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: don't know, she's not finding it yet. Her school is 108 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: a little smaller, there's no big football team, there's not 109 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:05,160 Speaker 1: a ton of those school spirit opportunities that she sees 110 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 1: her friends having, and she's struggling to find her people 111 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 1: and she's not loving her classes yet. So for her, 112 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,320 Speaker 1: I think it feels a little quiet and sort of 113 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:23,880 Speaker 1: non climactic, like grand adventure she imagined herself having it 114 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,840 Speaker 1: just hasn't quite started yet, and the fear that it 115 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,680 Speaker 1: won't ever happen for her. It's really hard to hear 116 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:36,679 Speaker 1: your kids wondering if they made the right choice. It's 117 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 1: so hard to hear them struggling to find their way. 118 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:44,040 Speaker 1: This is where my core philosophy has been put to 119 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:49,240 Speaker 1: the test, the challenge to choose myself, even when it 120 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:54,320 Speaker 1: feels a little selfish. My first instinct is to want 121 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,440 Speaker 1: to just jump in and solve all her problems, fix 122 00:08:57,559 --> 00:09:00,160 Speaker 1: things like I have always tried to do, to worry 123 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:06,480 Speaker 1: and to let her anxiety become my own. But I 124 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: am continually reminding myself that I need to let her 125 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:15,079 Speaker 1: feelings be hers, and I need to let her find 126 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: things on her own, and that my piece is now 127 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 1: more than ever a priority. So I am consciously choosing 128 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,960 Speaker 1: to try to step back a little bit, kind of 129 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 1: like be a consultant, not a manager anymore. When she calls, 130 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 1: my job is not to fix things. It is to listen, 131 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:42,920 Speaker 1: without judgment and without too much attachment. So I validate 132 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 1: her feelings of disappointment because they're real, but I also 133 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 1: try to remember to not get sucked in so deeply 134 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 1: to her problems. It's weird, I say, I understand that 135 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:03,680 Speaker 1: this is unfamiliar, it's unknown for you, and it's okay. 136 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 1: It's really normal to feel this way. And then I 137 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,480 Speaker 1: try to help her brainstorm ways to work through it. 138 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,960 Speaker 1: I ask her, what is one thing you can do 139 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:17,600 Speaker 1: this week to change the way you're feeling. My job 140 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,600 Speaker 1: is to offer advice when she asks for it, and 141 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: then to step back and let her find her way. 142 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:28,960 Speaker 1: That is, as it turns out, a lesson in me 143 00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:35,319 Speaker 1: taking care of myself too. It looks like it looks 144 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: like taking a walk after a tough phone call to 145 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 1: sort of process my feelings, or I'm talking to my 146 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:46,240 Speaker 1: husband more about how I'm feeling instead of holding it inside. 147 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 1: And I'm focusing on this new rhythm here at home 148 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: so that my daughter can do the same thing at 149 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:57,520 Speaker 1: her new home. It's really a way of honoring my 150 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:03,679 Speaker 1: own needs but still being there for her. So I 151 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 1: don't know if you're going through this right now, I 152 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:11,280 Speaker 1: want you to know a few things. First of all, grace, 153 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:15,840 Speaker 1: give them grace, Give yourself grace. It is a hard 154 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:20,760 Speaker 1: transition for everyone, and acknowledge the roller coaster of emotions 155 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,240 Speaker 1: that's happening for both of you. And tell yourself this 156 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:28,080 Speaker 1: is temporary and will become a more natural feeling and 157 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,680 Speaker 1: easier to manage as time goes on. Another thing is 158 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:35,760 Speaker 1: to listen more and talk less. Your kids need more 159 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 1: of a sounding board now, not a problem solver. Just 160 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:46,480 Speaker 1: let them vent sometimes that's all they need. And trust 161 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:52,240 Speaker 1: the work you've done. You've worked so hard to teach 162 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 1: your kids and instill in them that they have the 163 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:02,040 Speaker 1: tools and the values they need to nowate this wild 164 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,960 Speaker 1: new world. This is the moment to trust in your parenting. 165 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:10,320 Speaker 1: You did it, They are capable, and you did a 166 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 1: great job. And maybe giving yourself that reminder of accomplishment 167 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:22,840 Speaker 1: will feel good to you. The truth is your relationship 168 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:28,160 Speaker 1: with your kid isn't ending, it's just beginning a new, 169 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:33,880 Speaker 1: beautiful adult phase. This isn't about being needed less, it's 170 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:41,720 Speaker 1: about being needed differently. And in this new phase, you 171 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:46,680 Speaker 1: get to let them start choosing themselves and you get 172 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:52,120 Speaker 1: to choose you in a whole new way. You too, 173 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:56,240 Speaker 1: get to step out into a new, exciting version of yourself. 174 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,840 Speaker 1: And yeah, that feels good. That feels kind of exciting. 175 00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:05,040 Speaker 1: And it's not necessarily easy for some of us. And 176 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,960 Speaker 1: I hope that this little check in with where I 177 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 1: am at is helpful for anybody who is going through 178 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:17,240 Speaker 1: this kind of change in their life. You got this, 179 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 1: we can do this. I love you. Until next time, 180 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:24,840 Speaker 1: Take care of yourselves, and remember it's not just okay 181 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,680 Speaker 1: to choose you, it's vital for your well being.