Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my
Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a
Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the ur Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. Blessings and greetings, beloved, and this is the
Speaker 1: UR Spot. I am a Yamla, your host, your guide,
Speaker 1: a teacher for some, and a soft place to fall
Speaker 1: as we moved through the most common, often mind boggling
Speaker 1: complexities of relationships. What we want as people, as men,
Speaker 1: as women, as partners is changing, and our concepts about
Speaker 1: relationships is changing. Gender roles are changing, expectations are changing,
Speaker 1: and all of the change is showing up in and
Speaker 1: about relationships. I heard a news commentator say the other
Speaker 1: day we have gone from crazy to insane. And over
Speaker 1: the past few weeks, I've been looking and listening and
Speaker 1: asking what in the blazon of Jesus are we doing
Speaker 1: to ourselves and to each other? In the name of
Speaker 1: love and relationships. I want to talk to you about
Speaker 1: what you think the problem is in all of our relationships?
Speaker 1: Why are so many relationships dysfunctional, onhealthy, unsatisfying, disappointed and broken?
Speaker 1: And is it the relationship or is it us? The
Speaker 1: people in the relationships? I asked that question, Is it them?
Speaker 1: Is it us? Is it him? Is it me? Is
Speaker 1: it her? Is it me? And what are we going
Speaker 1: to do about what's going on in our relationship? So, beloved,
Speaker 1: let's get this party started with my first callun in
Speaker 1: the queue, Welcome beloved, Welcome to the art spot. And
Speaker 1: what is your challenge, issue dilemma today? Is it him?
Speaker 2: Is it you?
Speaker 1: And what you're gonna do about it?
Speaker 3: I have been in a marriage for sixteen years, we
Speaker 3: have two kids together, and it has kind of been
Speaker 3: the same pattern since day one, which tells me it's
Speaker 3: probably me the reason why I'm still in this because
Speaker 3: I just haven't really learned the lesson yet. I don't know,
Speaker 3: but it's a constant up and down. He's very controlling and.
Speaker 4: Very mean.
Speaker 3: When he gets like, he'll be like really great for
Speaker 3: a little while and like so super supportive and then
Speaker 3: all of a sudden he gets really stressed out financially
Speaker 3: or whatever it is, and then like he gets very
Speaker 3: mean and calls me names and takes things away from me,
Speaker 3: like he'll take my car and my car keys and
Speaker 3: my things like that. And I've been in this pattern
Speaker 3: since day one, Like he's always acted like this, and
Speaker 3: like he came from a family where he didn't grow
Speaker 3: up with a dad and I didn't grow up with
Speaker 3: a mom. And I feel like because we met so young,
Speaker 3: we kind of have grown up together and things have
Speaker 3: gotten a bit, i'd say, a bit better, But like
Speaker 3: I was always financially dependent on him. I would stay
Speaker 3: at home mom as soon as my kids went off
Speaker 3: to school. I then started working when they were a
Speaker 3: little bit older. I would work nights waitressing, but I
Speaker 3: still would have to come home and like give him
Speaker 3: over my money. And then as I started to really
Speaker 3: get tired of the cycle of him always like taking
Speaker 3: from me or like calling me names or like whatever,
Speaker 3: it was, like I started to like be like no, no, no,
Speaker 3: I'm going to hold on to my money, and I.
Speaker 4: Tried to leave. At some point.
Speaker 3: This was years ago, and the girls were my girls
Speaker 3: were still younger, and it was almost impossible to be
Speaker 3: alone because I don't have a family support. He's the
Speaker 3: only person I really have as a support system. So
Speaker 3: I went back and then again it's just been this
Speaker 3: constant up and down, up and down, and now like
Speaker 3: this past year, we actually separated. He actually moved out,
Speaker 3: and it's become like he moved out. I was a
Speaker 3: single mom for like the whole year. It was a nightmare.
Speaker 4: It was a nightmare.
Speaker 3: I was working constantly trying to keep up as a
Speaker 3: single mom, but I still was so much more at
Speaker 3: peace than I was with him. And then I lost
Speaker 3: my job and one day I went into work and
Speaker 3: I got fired out of nowhere. I just got laid off.
Speaker 3: And again, because he's always been that financial provider and
Speaker 3: he always comes in and saves the day financially, I
Speaker 3: had him move back in. So now when he moved back,
Speaker 3: may I.
Speaker 1: Ask you a question? Yes, So, when you hear yourself
Speaker 1: tell this lovely, dramatic, long drawn out sixteen year old saka,
Speaker 1: how does that make you feel terrible? Here's the question, beloved,
Speaker 1: don't think take a breath. Here's the question. Is it him?
Speaker 3: Is it you? I want to say it's I want
Speaker 3: to say, it's me because it's my choice to be.
Speaker 1: With period, period, period, it's me. It's my choice to
Speaker 1: be there. So, since you've chosen to be there, what
Speaker 1: do you need to do to either be at peace
Speaker 1: with the situation or to get out? I mean, it's
Speaker 1: just that simple.
Speaker 3: Why do I feel like it's so hard to like
Speaker 3: every time I try to leave him, it's almost like
Speaker 3: I always end up back with him because of finances.
Speaker 1: No, because it's comfortable and it's familiar. It's comfortable and
Speaker 1: it's familiar. So here's the question, Yeah, what do you
Speaker 1: need to do to be at peace? Since you've chosen
Speaker 1: to be there.
Speaker 4: I'm trying.
Speaker 3: I'm trying. I'm trying to figure that out. Honestly, I'm
Speaker 3: reading your book right now, piece from Broken Pieces, and
Speaker 3: I'm trying to figure out how to be at he's
Speaker 3: because I almost feel like I can't get up, Like
Speaker 3: I feel that's.
Speaker 1: Not a feeling, that's a thought. That's not a feeling,
Speaker 1: that's a thought. I feel scared, I feel guilty, I
Speaker 1: feel embarrassed, I feel ashamed. A feeling is one word.
Speaker 1: A thought is I can't do this by myself. A
Speaker 1: thought is I need him in order to survive. A
Speaker 1: thought is he always saves the day financially. Those are thoughts.
Speaker 1: So since you've chosen to be there, and those are
Speaker 1: the thoughts, you're choosing either you find out what you
Speaker 1: need to do to be at peace or you leave. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's it. I mean, you know, one of the things
Speaker 1: that we do in relationships. And that's why I'm asking
Speaker 1: the question, is it him? Is it me? And what
Speaker 1: am I going to do? Either you're going to stay
Speaker 1: and complain and be miserable, or you're going to leave
Speaker 1: and trust that everything you need will be provided. But
Speaker 1: if you can't see your way out, if you can't
Speaker 1: see your way on your own, then you'll stay and
Speaker 1: complain And nothing I can say is going to change that.
Speaker 1: That's cold water in your face, I know.
Speaker 3: And if he has control over all the finances, then
Speaker 3: what how do how do we get around that?
Speaker 1: Well, he God has control over all the finances. You
Speaker 1: got two legs, you got two feet, you got a brain,
Speaker 1: you got a brain. Because you're thinking, yeah, what if
Speaker 1: you thought I can do this? What if you thought
Speaker 1: I don't care if I have to live in the park,
Speaker 1: in the tent with the squirrels. I'm out about that.
Speaker 1: What if you thought that? What if you thought I
Speaker 1: deserve better, I want better? What if you thought those thoughts?
Speaker 1: What if you start thinking in that way? What if
Speaker 1: you start thinking, I'm done with you and this, take
Speaker 1: your money and find your good elsewhere. I'm done? What
Speaker 1: if you start thinking that way?
Speaker 4: I want to think. I want to think that way.
Speaker 3: I want to start thinking about.
Speaker 1: But you can, Beloved, I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Okay, So
Speaker 1: then stay and stay, and when it hurts bad enough.
Speaker 4: You'll leave.
Speaker 1: You're there because it doesn't hurt bad enough. The minute
Speaker 1: it hurts you bad enough, Just like you know, if
Speaker 1: you have a toothache, right, you'll go and you'll get
Speaker 1: some whatever that stuff is. You put on your gum,
Speaker 1: and you'll wrench your mouth out with salt water, and
Speaker 1: you'll do this, and you'll do that, and you'll do
Speaker 1: the other. But the minute it hurts bad enough you
Speaker 1: go to the dentist, you'll stop acting like you know
Speaker 1: what's wrong with the dune. So it doesn't hurt bad enough. Beloved,
Speaker 1: when it hurts bad enough, I promise you you will
Speaker 1: be willing to sleep in the park with the squirrels,
Speaker 1: the sofa serf. So what I want to encourage you
Speaker 1: to do is ask yourself, what is it that makes
Speaker 1: me okay with the pain? Just keep asking yourself that
Speaker 1: what is it that makes me okay with the pain?
Speaker 1: Because me giving you the answer is not going to
Speaker 1: serve you to come from within. And here's the good news.
Speaker 1: You're getting there. That's why you call. You're almost stay
Speaker 1: almost say it sooner or later. It's gonna hurt you
Speaker 1: so bad until you will say, okay.
Speaker 4: I'm done that.
Speaker 3: I feel it does hurt so bad.
Speaker 1: Okay, But I'm telling you it doesn't hurt bad enough.
Speaker 1: And you're not alone. There are hundreds thousands of others,
Speaker 1: men and women who are in the same exact situation.
Speaker 1: You're not alone, So don't beat yourself up, don't feel bad.
Speaker 1: Trust me. When it hurts bad enough, you will leave.
Speaker 1: And until then you either support yourself by asking why
Speaker 1: am I okay with the pain, or you continue complaining
Speaker 1: and telling the story. And it's not about him. Here's
Speaker 1: your answer. It's you, boo, it's you. Okay. I've got
Speaker 1: a gazillion callers. Thank you for calling hold on one second.
Speaker 1: The day it hurts you bad enough and you say
Speaker 1: I'm out. I want you to call me back and
Speaker 1: then we'll get your exit plan and your forward movement together.
Speaker 3: Okay, I know, And I just want to before you leave,
Speaker 3: say thank you because I've been listening to you for
Speaker 3: two years now and you've been my piece when I
Speaker 3: can't find it, So I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, now ask yourself? Why am I okay
Speaker 1: with the pay? Okay? All right? Love? Thank you? Alrighty.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure what you heard there, but I heard
Speaker 1: somebody who's acting like they don't know what they do know.
Speaker 1: But let's see what the next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved,
Speaker 1: and welcome to the art spot. Is it him? Is
Speaker 1: it you? And what you're gonna do about?
Speaker 2: I don't know?
Speaker 1: Is that him? Is it you? Okay? Well? What what
Speaker 1: what's the issue?
Speaker 3: Okay?
Speaker 2: So I would think that is I don't know if
Speaker 2: I'm over thinking or being too And what I mean
Speaker 2: by that is we've been dating for almost years, almost
Speaker 2: six years, and.
Speaker 1: We do what does that mean dating? What does that mean?
Speaker 4: Okay?
Speaker 2: So it means we're a couple, we live together, we
Speaker 2: met family, we've gone on several trips together. And by families,
Speaker 2: I mean we have three children together, none biologically together,
Speaker 2: but we're raising three kids together.
Speaker 1: His children, your children is and then mine.
Speaker 4: I have one, he has two. And okay we yeah,
Speaker 4: we do all the things together.
Speaker 2: Like we.
Speaker 1: Okay, I got it. You do all the things together.
Speaker 1: You've been married for you've been together for six years,
Speaker 1: you have three children, you're in his family, he's in
Speaker 1: your family.
Speaker 4: And we're not married. And he knows I want to
Speaker 4: be married.
Speaker 2: He's been married before.
Speaker 1: What does married mean to you? What will change if
Speaker 1: you get married?
Speaker 2: I feel like the level of the security and commitment
Speaker 2: will change.
Speaker 1: Oh so you're not secure now? And you think he's
Speaker 1: gonna walk away?
Speaker 4: Yeah? I think that we both can mar which I guess.
Speaker 1: And you think that people who get married don't walk away?
Speaker 4: Of course they do, of course they do.
Speaker 1: Oh so what is it that you really want, beloved?
Speaker 1: Is it you want to be married? Or is that
Speaker 1: you want the wedding?
Speaker 3: I really don't care.
Speaker 2: About the wedding, mainly because my dad has passed and
Speaker 2: he can't walk me down all the extra pompous so.
Speaker 4: I don't I don't care to pay for it.
Speaker 1: But why don't you do that? Why don't y'all marry
Speaker 1: each other? Just get married, Just get your bible, get
Speaker 1: the little ceremony staying at the kitchen table, and do
Speaker 1: the wedding. Why don't you do that?
Speaker 2: Because if I do that and I don't know what
Speaker 2: something happens to him tomorrow, then so what, I'm just
Speaker 2: going to be moving out of this house.
Speaker 1: And you don't trust that this man who's you've been
Speaker 1: with for six years, who's helping you raise your children,
Speaker 1: who loves and trusts and honors you enough to allow
Speaker 1: you to support him and raising his children, who works
Speaker 1: comes home, tastes the man that you're sleeping with. You
Speaker 1: don't trust that this six years has been enough of
Speaker 1: a commitment, and that if you go downtown and get
Speaker 1: somebody you don't know to give you a piece of
Speaker 1: paper and say, okay, now he has to do it,
Speaker 1: think that'll change the relationship?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Or no? What are you not telling me? You're not
Speaker 1: telling me something?
Speaker 2: Boom, Well, I'm not telling you that. I think the
Speaker 2: fact that he hasn't married he means that.
Speaker 1: He doesn't want to be right and what else?
Speaker 4: That's it?
Speaker 1: You don't want to get married. So do you want
Speaker 1: to stay in a relationship with him? For who? It
Speaker 1: ain't a problem for him, I.
Speaker 4: Know, right, that's great.
Speaker 2: But he's a saying he wants to get married.
Speaker 1: He keeps on saying he wants to get married.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then not doing it, then only have X,
Speaker 2: y Z problems.
Speaker 3: Then this is wrong.
Speaker 4: Then that is wrong.
Speaker 1: So is it him? Is it you? Is it him?
Speaker 1: Or is it you?
Speaker 2: It's because it's me because I'm saying and not being
Speaker 2: married and wanting to be married, and then it's.
Speaker 1: Him because it's not him. He's okay, he's not you are.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing, beloved, you got to get clear
Speaker 1: about what you want. You've got to get clear about
Speaker 1: what you want. Do you want him or do you
Speaker 1: want the piece of paper that gives you security? And
Speaker 1: I just want you to know. Married men walk out,
Speaker 1: married men cheat, married men bring home other babies from
Speaker 1: other places. Married men don't pay their bills, married men
Speaker 1: beat their wives. So what is it that you really want?
Speaker 1: It sounds like you want to guarantee and a piece
Speaker 1: of paper is not going to give you that. And
Speaker 1: then if you really really just want to be married,
Speaker 1: if you want to be chosen, and you want him
Speaker 1: to announce to God and the universe and all the
Speaker 1: community if you want, and his family, this is the
Speaker 1: one I've chosen. If you want that, then say that
Speaker 1: I want. Yeah, And if he doesn't give you what
Speaker 1: it is that you want, then you have to decide.
Speaker 1: Am I willing to stay here and accept what I
Speaker 1: don't want? Or am I willing to get out and
Speaker 1: go for what I do want. That's it's as simple decision.
Speaker 1: So it's not him boo, is you? It's you?
Speaker 3: Okay?
Speaker 2: So what about the clarity you said? I'm getting clear.
Speaker 2: I need to figure out how to get the clarity
Speaker 2: because I ain't figuring it out all this time.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back.
Speaker 1: I am yan lend. This is the R spot. You
Speaker 1: want to be married, he won't marry you. So either
Speaker 1: you stay and accept what you don't want, or you
Speaker 1: leave and go for what you do want. I think
Speaker 1: that's clear now. If you want him and what you have,
Speaker 1: then you're going to have to really investigate why am
Speaker 1: I pushing this marriage thing?
Speaker 2: How do I investigate?
Speaker 4: Well?
Speaker 1: What you ask yourself? Why am I here? Why is
Speaker 1: marriage so important? To me, what is it that I
Speaker 1: really want? Because, for example, are you in his house?
Speaker 1: Who owns the house you live in?
Speaker 4: He does?
Speaker 1: Can you put your name on the deed?
Speaker 4: Let him know?
Speaker 1: I'm concerned. You know, this is a crazy world we
Speaker 1: live in. If you slip on a banana peel and
Speaker 1: break your neck, I don't have a right to this house.
Speaker 1: Me and the kids will be in the street. Are
Speaker 1: you willing to put me on the deed? Do you
Speaker 1: have a life insurance policy? Am I your beneficiary? What
Speaker 1: about your pension fund? Am I the beneficiary? Because unless
Speaker 1: we're married, all of those things will go up and smoke,
Speaker 1: and me and the children will be left in alert.
Speaker 1: So you don't want to marry me? Fine? What kind
Speaker 1: of arrangements can we make so that should anything happen
Speaker 1: to you, I'm taking care of and should anything happen
Speaker 1: to me, you're taking care of.
Speaker 4: Okay, I think this sounds And.
Speaker 1: Then when he says I'm not doing that, then what
Speaker 1: you're gonna do?
Speaker 2: Ooh girl?
Speaker 1: That's what I said? Ooh girl.
Speaker 2: Then I'm back to part a leave or what I
Speaker 2: want or say, and I get the level of security
Speaker 2: that I want because I think what you said makes
Speaker 2: a lot of sense that there are any guarantees, right
Speaker 2: even if we are married, like they're still there. The
Speaker 2: steps not a guarantee just because there's that piece of paper.
Speaker 1: Well, why can't you find security in the love and
Speaker 1: the companionship of a man that's helping you raise your child?
Speaker 1: Why can't you find security in that?
Speaker 2: You know, if I'm being honest, because I haven't defined
Speaker 2: security as what I have currently.
Speaker 1: I want you to it belong this for a little bit.
Speaker 1: He can never give you security if you don't have
Speaker 1: it within yourself. Never. He can never give you enough.
Speaker 1: He can marry you, he can put you on the deed,
Speaker 1: he can he can get you a life insurance policy
Speaker 1: from the progressive man on the TV. And it still
Speaker 1: won't be enough. You know, you know the progressive man.
Speaker 1: He says, what's your cost? Nine ninety five?
Speaker 2: No matter before, you sound like him. It's like, it
Speaker 2: doesn't matter.
Speaker 3: What I do.
Speaker 1: It's you. It's not him. It's you, Okay, and I
Speaker 1: you want him to give you something that only you
Speaker 1: can establish for yourself. So let me ask you a question.
Speaker 1: Are you trying to establish security outside of your Yeah? Okay,
Speaker 1: there you go and do you trust yourself that no
Speaker 1: matter what happens in this relationship or with him, you're
Speaker 1: gonna be Okay, do you trust that?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I know that.
Speaker 1: Okay, So there you go. If you trust this as
Speaker 1: a good man, if he's a man of good character
Speaker 1: and integrity, if he's a man that makes you happy,
Speaker 1: if you can see yourself building a life with him,
Speaker 1: going forward with him, then a piece of paper is
Speaker 1: not gonna do anything for you. And your security won't
Speaker 1: come from within you. It'll come from the courthouse. And
Speaker 1: if you think he's somebody that's gonna put you out
Speaker 1: or leave you or abandon you, then you got to
Speaker 1: stay what am I doing in this relationship? Not let
Speaker 1: me get married? So he can't do that, right. See
Speaker 1: how you solved your own situation you knew all along.
Speaker 1: Think about what you really want and think about it.
Speaker 1: If you're willing to accept what you have or go
Speaker 1: for what you really want and why you want it,
Speaker 1: that's that's the bottom line, Okay, Yes, ma'am. I love
Speaker 1: when people ask me questions. They ask me questions because
Speaker 1: they already know the answer, They just want me to
Speaker 1: confirm it. And that's exactly what my next scholler is doing.
Speaker 1: Take a listen. Greetings beloved, welcome to the art spot.
Speaker 1: Now is it him? Is it you? And what you're
Speaker 1: gonna do about it?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 4: I think it's him, but.
Speaker 1: Me, Oh, that's usually what happens, all right. So you've
Speaker 1: you've been married thirty years, you see things completely differently
Speaker 1: now and you're considering divorced. So what's the question.
Speaker 2: A question is do I stay and try to work
Speaker 2: on the marriage or do I go?
Speaker 4: I'm kind of stuck in the meadow.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. Do you stay
Speaker 1: and continue to work on the marriage after thirty years
Speaker 1: or do you go?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And what would make you stay? And what would make
Speaker 1: you leave? What would make you stay?
Speaker 4: What would make me say?
Speaker 2: If he works, because I've been doing the work on myself,
Speaker 2: if he will agree to do the work want himself,
Speaker 2: I would consider.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you wait a minute, stop right there,
Speaker 1: stop right there. Then you need to pack, you need
Speaker 1: to get out.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: You cannot make your happiness, your contentment, your anything depending
Speaker 1: upon what somebody else does.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I think I needed to hear that.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: Well, let me ask that question. Do you love him?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 2: I do.
Speaker 1: Is he the right partner for you?
Speaker 2: I thought he was, But now that we have gotten
Speaker 2: older and we don't agree on anything, I'm starting to
Speaker 2: get that.
Speaker 1: Well, why do you need to agree? Has he supported
Speaker 1: you as you've done this work on yourself?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Has he tried to stop you?
Speaker 4: No? He is that.
Speaker 1: So why can't you just love him for who he
Speaker 1: is and not who you want him to be?
Speaker 2: I know I'm trying, but the disappointment, the disappointment. We've
Speaker 2: been through a lot, and the disappointments, I think I'm
Speaker 2: more disappointed and I have a lot of.
Speaker 4: Resentment, and it's hard.
Speaker 2: It's hard for me to just say, Okay, this is
Speaker 2: the way you are.
Speaker 1: Why.
Speaker 2: I was just looking for.
Speaker 4: Some growth or some change.
Speaker 2: I don't know, maybe because I've grown and I've changed.
Speaker 1: But if you can't accept him exactly who he is,
Speaker 1: then you're banking on who you think he should be,
Speaker 1: who you want him to be, or the potential of
Speaker 1: who he can be.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I do see the potential, and I yeah.
Speaker 1: But you see in his potential and him not realizing it,
Speaker 1: and maybe that's not your that's not his path. And
Speaker 1: this happens, this happens, so often when as one partner,
Speaker 1: you know, shifts, change evolves, and if that person no
Speaker 1: longer meets your need. But you've got a life that's
Speaker 1: totally wrapped up in this person. You know, the house,
Speaker 1: the linen, the china, Thanksgiving, Easter, you know all of
Speaker 1: those things.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and now that we have we have three kids
Speaker 2: and the last one just turned eighteen, and so we're
Speaker 2: trying to We've never been with our kids, so we're
Speaker 2: trying to figure it out.
Speaker 4: Do we like each other? Do you know? What do
Speaker 4: we do? It's just me and you.
Speaker 2: You know, and there's no kids really around and you know,
Speaker 2: to care for.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. When did you
Speaker 1: realize that the marriage as you knew it was over?
Speaker 2: About maybe twenty a few years ago, when right during
Speaker 2: the pandemic. I think a lot of things came to
Speaker 2: life for me, Like you know, now that our children
Speaker 2: are grown, I had more time to think about it.
Speaker 4: We're just not.
Speaker 2: Moving through life and working and busy and everything. Stuff
Speaker 2: started to slow.
Speaker 4: Down then, and I.
Speaker 2: Realized a lot of things.
Speaker 1: Okay, so here's another question. Is this the man that
Speaker 1: you want to be with when you take your last breath? Yes, okay, Well,
Speaker 1: then what do you need to do to be okay?
Speaker 1: Because here's here's the thing. The marriage as you knew
Speaker 1: it was over. Yeah, can you create a new relationship,
Speaker 1: a new marriage with him? Take it out of the
Speaker 1: marriage and just say, can you create a new relationship
Speaker 1: with this man? And is he willing to create a
Speaker 1: new relationship with you? That's the big question.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he seems like he wants to tribe. But it's
Speaker 2: like we can't agree on anything, not even a movie.
Speaker 1: But that's because you want him to do it the
Speaker 1: way you want him to do it. You really think
Speaker 1: you know. And sometimes when we as women grow or
Speaker 1: stretch or heel, we become a little arrogant and we
Speaker 1: think we know. Do you like him? I mean? Does
Speaker 1: his breatstink? Do his feet stink? Does he make you happy?
Speaker 1: Is he good in the bed? I mean you know,
Speaker 1: does he bring your flowers? Do you like him most
Speaker 1: of the time?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay? So then what what why do you need to
Speaker 1: agree This week we go to the movie you want?
Speaker 1: Next week we go to the movie I want? How
Speaker 1: about that? Can we agree on that? And when it's
Speaker 1: his movie, you keep your mouth shut and you sit
Speaker 1: there and you watch it. When it's your movie, he
Speaker 1: keeps his mouth shut. He sits there and he watches it.
Speaker 2: And so then that's really been the problem because sometimes
Speaker 2: when it's my turn, he gets old fidgety, and then
Speaker 2: I get bad.
Speaker 1: Why he's fidgeting? Tit for tat the marriage as you
Speaker 1: knew it is over?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Is do you like this person enough to try to
Speaker 1: build a new relationship with him? We'll talk more about
Speaker 1: it when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot.
Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left off. If you saw
Speaker 1: him at the vegetable cam in the supermarket, would you
Speaker 1: wink at it?
Speaker 4: Probably?
Speaker 1: Okay, so we got a beginning. You don't have to agree.
Speaker 1: You have to like each other and respect each other.
Speaker 1: Do you trust it?
Speaker 4: That's another story.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's been a lot of stuff over the years.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And it's been a lot of reinventing this relationship over
Speaker 2: the years.
Speaker 4: That is another story.
Speaker 1: So what do you want?
Speaker 4: I just want to be happy.
Speaker 2: I just want to be happy. I spent over thirty
Speaker 2: years with this man, and I'm just searching for my happiness,
Speaker 2: whatever that is. I just don't want to say, oh,
Speaker 2: I invested thirty something years, and I might make this work.
Speaker 2: I just want to be happy.
Speaker 1: Here's something I want you to consider. Your husband is
Speaker 1: not your girlfriend.
Speaker 4: Now.
Speaker 1: He's not going to show up like a good girlfriend.
Speaker 1: Some husbands due, but he's not gonna show up like
Speaker 1: a good girlfriend.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: And another thing to think about is always is not forever.
Speaker 1: I love that song Michael Jackson used to say. My
Speaker 1: forever came today. So maybe y'all won't be together forever.
Speaker 1: I know if you can't accept him in all ways,
Speaker 1: all ways that he is, if you can't accept that,
Speaker 1: be love it, then you know what to do.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And you haven't invested thirty years and you need
Speaker 1: to stay and make it work. You've participated in a
Speaker 1: thirty year experiment and now you get to choose whether
Speaker 1: the experiment worked or didn't.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And I think that's the hard part for me is
Speaker 2: I'm thinking that I did everything that I knew that
Speaker 2: was good. You know, everything I knew to make it work.
Speaker 2: I did everything and it and at the end it
Speaker 2: still didn't work out the way.
Speaker 1: I wanted it to see. I think you know what
Speaker 1: to do, but I think you're holding it as you know,
Speaker 1: like stocks, I invested these thirty years of time, energy
Speaker 1: and money. I put up with a lot of stuff,
Speaker 1: and now I got to make it work and he
Speaker 1: ain't cooperating. Well, maybe you're forever king. Ask for what
Speaker 1: you want and make your exit plan, and of course
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean your lead, but at least you start
Speaker 1: moving in that direction where you're gonna live. You know,
Speaker 1: how much money do you need? What are you gonna do?
Speaker 1: You want? One bedroom? Two bedrooms? You know, because trying
Speaker 1: to make him move out, that's that's not gonna work.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not It's not gonna work.
Speaker 1: So yeah, so make your exit plan and see if
Speaker 1: you can ext acute it okay. And if you're going
Speaker 1: to stay, you've got to figure out what you need
Speaker 1: to do to be okay again. If this is the
Speaker 1: man that you want to be with, when you take
Speaker 1: your last breath and close your eyes for the last time,
Speaker 1: also ask yourself, what do I need to be okay
Speaker 1: with him? Exactly as he is? Because it's not him,
Speaker 1: it's you.
Speaker 4: I'm trying.
Speaker 2: I was wondering, I say, is it me?
Speaker 4: Is it me? To be me?
Speaker 1: Well, because you say, you say that you want something,
Speaker 1: but then you're not willing to do what's required to
Speaker 1: get it. And I don't understand people staying and complaining.
Speaker 1: I just it just that just blows my mind.
Speaker 4: It's been a longe once. It's been alone. It's been alone.
Speaker 1: But thank you so much. All righty bye bye? Why
Speaker 1: tell me? Why? Please tell me why we are so
Speaker 1: willing to disminish and dismiss ourselves to make somebody else happen? Why?
Speaker 1: Why did we do that? That's what I'm going to
Speaker 1: ask my next call. Welcome to the our spot, beloved.
Speaker 1: Is it him? Is it you? And what you're gonna
Speaker 1: do about it?
Speaker 4: It's me and it's him? How are you?
Speaker 1: So? I'm blessed, beloved? So you have a fiance. How
Speaker 1: long have you been engaged?
Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, oh thirteen thirteen years? But he went
Speaker 4: off to prison for eight years. He's still there. He
Speaker 4: get out. He get out this twenty twenty four.
Speaker 1: Okay, so he's been in prison for the last eight years,
Speaker 1: over together, five years before he went to prison. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: So what's the question.
Speaker 4: The question is I wait? I know I'm not crazy.
Speaker 4: Here's here.
Speaker 1: You have waited.
Speaker 4: I waited, and I've been celebrated. I was faithful and
Speaker 4: I love him, and it's like, now it's time for
Speaker 4: him to come home, and he's talking about you know,
Speaker 4: you know, nice plans. You know, I'm getting together, getting married,
Speaker 4: getting a business together, and you know, building his family.
Speaker 4: And now it's like, uh, he's talking you know, pretty good.
Speaker 4: But I just decided, probably probably about a year ago,
Speaker 4: that I didn't want the relationship anymore.
Speaker 1: Okay, so that what's the problem.
Speaker 4: But I I'm not decided, I'm undecided.
Speaker 1: No, that's not true. Don't do that to yourself. That
Speaker 1: is absolutely not true. I heard you say very clearly,
Speaker 1: I decided a year ago that I don't want the relationship.
Speaker 1: I also heard you say I love him. So is
Speaker 1: it possible that you can love him and not be
Speaker 1: in this relationship. You don't have to stop loving him.
Speaker 1: You can still be in relationship with him, just not
Speaker 1: as his partner. You've been a support to him. But
Speaker 1: I want to go back eight years. I want to
Speaker 1: go back eight years and asked who is the man
Speaker 1: and what did he do that landed him in jail.
Speaker 1: You don't have to tell me. I'm just saying that's
Speaker 1: who you've got to look at. Okay, Because that's when
Speaker 1: that's who went to jail, and that's who's coming out
Speaker 1: of jail.
Speaker 4: Yes, okay, it even though he's a change to man
Speaker 4: and he that's who went to jail, and that's who
Speaker 4: went out of jail.
Speaker 1: Who's coming out of jail. Because you all were in
Speaker 1: relationship for five years together, did you know he was
Speaker 1: selling drugs?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 1: Okay. So there was a man who was withholding information
Speaker 1: from you, a man who was out of integrity, a
Speaker 1: man who was not being fully responsible. It's irresponsible to
Speaker 1: sell drugs.
Speaker 4: No, that is.
Speaker 1: That's who he was when he went to jail. That's
Speaker 1: who's coming out of jail. So do you want to
Speaker 1: be in relationship with the man who went to jail?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 1: Okay, So there you go. Okay.
Speaker 4: He made it so plain and so simple. That's why
Speaker 4: I needed to talk say.
Speaker 1: And now here's here's what you're not talking about. That
Speaker 1: he's going to come out. He's looking to come home
Speaker 1: to you. He doesn't have any place else to go.
Speaker 1: He's gonna have to get a job. He's got a
Speaker 1: he's got a felony conviction. You know, he may have
Speaker 1: never seen an iPad, you know, because he's been in
Speaker 1: jail for ad okay, and you may not know how
Speaker 1: to deal with that mhm. So that's what you have
Speaker 1: to work on. How do you continue to support him
Speaker 1: outside of your house because he can't come home to
Speaker 1: your house because you don't want to be in a
Speaker 1: relationship with him like that?
Speaker 4: No I don't.
Speaker 1: And you're still going to visit him.
Speaker 4: No, I stopped that, you.
Speaker 1: Know, okay, all right? And do you write him, you
Speaker 1: send him, you put money on his books. I stopped
Speaker 1: that you stop putting money on his books.
Speaker 4: Two years ago. That's when I really really made a
Speaker 4: wi decision, like this is not gonna work on wasting
Speaker 4: And then again I didn't want to, you know, make
Speaker 4: myself seeing wrong because you love who you love and
Speaker 4: you know you want to support that person. So that
Speaker 4: I felt like I supported him out of love, not
Speaker 4: out of wanting a relationship from him. Because when he
Speaker 4: went to jail, and for when he went to jail
Speaker 4: for you, right, I didn't know anything about it. He
Speaker 4: was kind of like, you know, being sneaky, and I
Speaker 4: thought like, no, that's not the man I want to
Speaker 4: be with a man that's sneaky and withholding information. I
Speaker 4: didn't want to be with nobody like that. But I
Speaker 4: held on because I wanted to support him, because I
Speaker 4: still had.
Speaker 1: Love for Have you had that conversation with Yeah?
Speaker 4: No, not that, not what I just sold you know
Speaker 4: how I told you, No, Well, there's not going to
Speaker 4: be helpful to him for you to have a conversation
Speaker 4: with me, that conversation with him and start getting him prepared.
Speaker 1: Start getting him prepared.
Speaker 4: That's the hard part. I don't want to disappoint him.
Speaker 1: You know, you want to disappoint yourself.
Speaker 4: No, you know I do not.
Speaker 1: Okay, well, there you go. Vote for you.
Speaker 4: I'm a Oh that's right, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Speaker 4: Vote for me.
Speaker 1: Yeah. The loving, the most loving and compassionate thing you
Speaker 1: can do is to begin to prepare him now, because
Speaker 1: what you don't want to have happened is for a
Speaker 1: Spring of twenty twenty four to get here and he's
Speaker 1: thinking he's coming to your house. I don't know if
Speaker 1: he has other family, if he needs to go into
Speaker 1: a halfway house, but you need to start preparing him now.
Speaker 1: I love you, you know I've waited for you. But see,
Speaker 1: you gotta also stop telling this dual story. I'm engaged.
Speaker 1: I've been celibate. Why you've been celibate?
Speaker 4: Yes, that's the love on here for him. I didn't
Speaker 4: want no other man looking.
Speaker 1: But then two years ago you decide, how did you
Speaker 1: don't want to be in this relationship? You were supposed
Speaker 1: to go get you some nookie. You should have got
Speaker 1: the nookie.
Speaker 4: In I'm not but I didn't. So I've learned over
Speaker 4: the years.
Speaker 1: So listen to this and see how this lands in
Speaker 1: your body. Love him enough to tell him the truth,
Speaker 1: Love him enough to tell him the truth, and love
Speaker 1: yourself enough to tell him the truth, because you don't
Speaker 1: want to wait and have this man prepared to come
Speaker 1: out thinking he's coming home to you and you ain't
Speaker 1: even home. Love him enough to tell him the truth.
Speaker 4: That makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 1: Yesterday, well, good for you. You solved your own problem.
Speaker 1: Let's see the truth to set you free.
Speaker 4: A lot of help from you. I'll come. I can't.
Speaker 4: I'm talking to you.
Speaker 1: You're not alone, beloved. There are hundreds of thousands of
Speaker 1: others in that same situation, and so you're you're drawing
Speaker 1: on the strength and the courage of many, and some
Speaker 1: one day you're going to meet some woman in the
Speaker 1: same situation, and you'll be able to say, this is
Speaker 1: what I had to do.
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, love you, love you, love you, love.
Speaker 1: You, and go get you some milkie ahead you need some.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: All righty bye bye bye. So there you have it.
Speaker 1: You got to ask yourself, is it him? Is it her?
Speaker 1: Or is it me? And I promise you ninety nine
Speaker 1: point nine percent of the time you're gonna find out
Speaker 1: it's you, boo. It's you not asking for what you want,
Speaker 1: accepting less than you want, making excuses for not having
Speaker 1: what you want, not knowing how to be okay with things.
Speaker 1: The way they are trying to make people different than
Speaker 1: they are, believing you know better than somebody else what
Speaker 1: they need to be doing and what's good for them.
Speaker 1: It's always about us because the first relationship you ever
Speaker 1: have is the one you are having with yourself, and
Speaker 1: people just show up to demonstrate that relationship. So that's
Speaker 1: it for today's episode. Be sure to tune in and
Speaker 1: we have a new episode every Wednesday. And if you've
Speaker 1: got a question or something that you want to share
Speaker 1: with me, are one hundred words or less one hundred
Speaker 1: not five hundred and fifty two. Okay, send it to
Speaker 1: me at the rspot at yama dot com. In the meantime,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not peace. Listen