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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the

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Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my

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Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from

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Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a

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Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I

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Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along

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Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to

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Speaker 1: the ur Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership

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Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. Blessings and greetings, beloved, and this is the

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Speaker 1: UR Spot. I am a Yamla, your host, your guide,

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Speaker 1: a teacher for some, and a soft place to fall

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Speaker 1: as we moved through the most common, often mind boggling

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Speaker 1: complexities of relationships. What we want as people, as men,

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Speaker 1: as women, as partners is changing, and our concepts about

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Speaker 1: relationships is changing. Gender roles are changing, expectations are changing,

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Speaker 1: and all of the change is showing up in and

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Speaker 1: about relationships. I heard a news commentator say the other

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Speaker 1: day we have gone from crazy to insane. And over

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Speaker 1: the past few weeks, I've been looking and listening and

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Speaker 1: asking what in the blazon of Jesus are we doing

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Speaker 1: to ourselves and to each other? In the name of

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Speaker 1: love and relationships. I want to talk to you about

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Speaker 1: what you think the problem is in all of our relationships?

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Speaker 1: Why are so many relationships dysfunctional, onhealthy, unsatisfying, disappointed and broken?

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Speaker 1: And is it the relationship or is it us? The

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Speaker 1: people in the relationships? I asked that question, Is it them?

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Speaker 1: Is it us? Is it him? Is it me? Is

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Speaker 1: it her? Is it me? And what are we going

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Speaker 1: to do about what's going on in our relationship? So, beloved,

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Speaker 1: let's get this party started with my first callun in

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Speaker 1: the queue, Welcome beloved, Welcome to the art spot. And

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Speaker 1: what is your challenge, issue dilemma today? Is it him?

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Speaker 2: Is it you?

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Speaker 1: And what you're gonna do about it?

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Speaker 3: I have been in a marriage for sixteen years, we

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Speaker 3: have two kids together, and it has kind of been

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Speaker 3: the same pattern since day one, which tells me it's

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Speaker 3: probably me the reason why I'm still in this because

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Speaker 3: I just haven't really learned the lesson yet. I don't know,

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Speaker 3: but it's a constant up and down. He's very controlling and.

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Speaker 4: Very mean.

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Speaker 3: When he gets like, he'll be like really great for

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Speaker 3: a little while and like so super supportive and then

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Speaker 3: all of a sudden he gets really stressed out financially

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Speaker 3: or whatever it is, and then like he gets very

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Speaker 3: mean and calls me names and takes things away from me,

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Speaker 3: like he'll take my car and my car keys and

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Speaker 3: my things like that. And I've been in this pattern

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Speaker 3: since day one, Like he's always acted like this, and

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Speaker 3: like he came from a family where he didn't grow

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Speaker 3: up with a dad and I didn't grow up with

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Speaker 3: a mom. And I feel like because we met so young,

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Speaker 3: we kind of have grown up together and things have

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Speaker 3: gotten a bit, i'd say, a bit better, But like

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Speaker 3: I was always financially dependent on him. I would stay

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Speaker 3: at home mom as soon as my kids went off

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Speaker 3: to school. I then started working when they were a

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Speaker 3: little bit older. I would work nights waitressing, but I

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Speaker 3: still would have to come home and like give him

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Speaker 3: over my money. And then as I started to really

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Speaker 3: get tired of the cycle of him always like taking

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Speaker 3: from me or like calling me names or like whatever,

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Speaker 3: it was, like I started to like be like no, no, no,

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Speaker 3: I'm going to hold on to my money, and I.

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Speaker 4: Tried to leave. At some point.

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Speaker 3: This was years ago, and the girls were my girls

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Speaker 3: were still younger, and it was almost impossible to be

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Speaker 3: alone because I don't have a family support. He's the

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Speaker 3: only person I really have as a support system. So

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Speaker 3: I went back and then again it's just been this

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Speaker 3: constant up and down, up and down, and now like

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Speaker 3: this past year, we actually separated. He actually moved out,

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Speaker 3: and it's become like he moved out. I was a

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Speaker 3: single mom for like the whole year. It was a nightmare.

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Speaker 4: It was a nightmare.

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Speaker 3: I was working constantly trying to keep up as a

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Speaker 3: single mom, but I still was so much more at

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Speaker 3: peace than I was with him. And then I lost

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Speaker 3: my job and one day I went into work and

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Speaker 3: I got fired out of nowhere. I just got laid off.

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Speaker 3: And again, because he's always been that financial provider and

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Speaker 3: he always comes in and saves the day financially, I

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Speaker 3: had him move back in. So now when he moved back,

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Speaker 3: may I.

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Speaker 1: Ask you a question? Yes, So, when you hear yourself

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Speaker 1: tell this lovely, dramatic, long drawn out sixteen year old saka,

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Speaker 1: how does that make you feel terrible? Here's the question, beloved,

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Speaker 1: don't think take a breath. Here's the question. Is it him?

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Speaker 3: Is it you? I want to say it's I want

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Speaker 3: to say, it's me because it's my choice to be.

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Speaker 1: With period, period, period, it's me. It's my choice to

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Speaker 1: be there. So, since you've chosen to be there, what

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Speaker 1: do you need to do to either be at peace

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Speaker 1: with the situation or to get out? I mean, it's

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Speaker 1: just that simple.

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Speaker 3: Why do I feel like it's so hard to like

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Speaker 3: every time I try to leave him, it's almost like

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Speaker 3: I always end up back with him because of finances.

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Speaker 1: No, because it's comfortable and it's familiar. It's comfortable and

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Speaker 1: it's familiar. So here's the question, Yeah, what do you

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Speaker 1: need to do to be at peace? Since you've chosen

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Speaker 1: to be there.

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Speaker 4: I'm trying.

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Speaker 3: I'm trying. I'm trying to figure that out. Honestly, I'm

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Speaker 3: reading your book right now, piece from Broken Pieces, and

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Speaker 3: I'm trying to figure out how to be at he's

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Speaker 3: because I almost feel like I can't get up, Like

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Speaker 3: I feel that's.

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Speaker 1: Not a feeling, that's a thought. That's not a feeling,

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Speaker 1: that's a thought. I feel scared, I feel guilty, I

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Speaker 1: feel embarrassed, I feel ashamed. A feeling is one word.

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Speaker 1: A thought is I can't do this by myself. A

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Speaker 1: thought is I need him in order to survive. A

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Speaker 1: thought is he always saves the day financially. Those are thoughts.

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Speaker 1: So since you've chosen to be there, and those are

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Speaker 1: the thoughts, you're choosing either you find out what you

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Speaker 1: need to do to be at peace or you leave. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's it. I mean, you know, one of the things

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Speaker 1: that we do in relationships. And that's why I'm asking

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Speaker 1: the question, is it him? Is it me? And what

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Speaker 1: am I going to do? Either you're going to stay

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Speaker 1: and complain and be miserable, or you're going to leave

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Speaker 1: and trust that everything you need will be provided. But

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Speaker 1: if you can't see your way out, if you can't

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Speaker 1: see your way on your own, then you'll stay and

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Speaker 1: complain And nothing I can say is going to change that.

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Speaker 1: That's cold water in your face, I know.

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Speaker 3: And if he has control over all the finances, then

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Speaker 3: what how do how do we get around that?

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Speaker 1: Well, he God has control over all the finances. You

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Speaker 1: got two legs, you got two feet, you got a brain,

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Speaker 1: you got a brain. Because you're thinking, yeah, what if

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Speaker 1: you thought I can do this? What if you thought

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Speaker 1: I don't care if I have to live in the park,

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Speaker 1: in the tent with the squirrels. I'm out about that.

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Speaker 1: What if you thought that? What if you thought I

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Speaker 1: deserve better, I want better? What if you thought those thoughts?

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Speaker 1: What if you start thinking in that way? What if

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Speaker 1: you start thinking, I'm done with you and this, take

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Speaker 1: your money and find your good elsewhere. I'm done? What

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Speaker 1: if you start thinking that way?

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Speaker 4: I want to think. I want to think that way.

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Speaker 3: I want to start thinking about.

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Speaker 1: But you can, Beloved, I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Okay, So

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Speaker 1: then stay and stay, and when it hurts bad enough.

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Speaker 4: You'll leave.

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Speaker 1: You're there because it doesn't hurt bad enough. The minute

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Speaker 1: it hurts you bad enough, Just like you know, if

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Speaker 1: you have a toothache, right, you'll go and you'll get

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Speaker 1: some whatever that stuff is. You put on your gum,

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Speaker 1: and you'll wrench your mouth out with salt water, and

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Speaker 1: you'll do this, and you'll do that, and you'll do

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Speaker 1: the other. But the minute it hurts bad enough you

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Speaker 1: go to the dentist, you'll stop acting like you know

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Speaker 1: what's wrong with the dune. So it doesn't hurt bad enough. Beloved,

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Speaker 1: when it hurts bad enough, I promise you you will

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Speaker 1: be willing to sleep in the park with the squirrels,

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Speaker 1: the sofa serf. So what I want to encourage you

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Speaker 1: to do is ask yourself, what is it that makes

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Speaker 1: me okay with the pain? Just keep asking yourself that

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Speaker 1: what is it that makes me okay with the pain?

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Speaker 1: Because me giving you the answer is not going to

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Speaker 1: serve you to come from within. And here's the good news.

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Speaker 1: You're getting there. That's why you call. You're almost stay

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Speaker 1: almost say it sooner or later. It's gonna hurt you

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Speaker 1: so bad until you will say, okay.

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Speaker 4: I'm done that.

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Speaker 3: I feel it does hurt so bad.

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Speaker 1: Okay, But I'm telling you it doesn't hurt bad enough.

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Speaker 1: And you're not alone. There are hundreds thousands of others,

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Speaker 1: men and women who are in the same exact situation.

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Speaker 1: You're not alone, So don't beat yourself up, don't feel bad.

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Speaker 1: Trust me. When it hurts bad enough, you will leave.

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Speaker 1: And until then you either support yourself by asking why

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Speaker 1: am I okay with the pain, or you continue complaining

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Speaker 1: and telling the story. And it's not about him. Here's

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Speaker 1: your answer. It's you, boo, it's you. Okay. I've got

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Speaker 1: a gazillion callers. Thank you for calling hold on one second.

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Speaker 1: The day it hurts you bad enough and you say

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Speaker 1: I'm out. I want you to call me back and

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Speaker 1: then we'll get your exit plan and your forward movement together.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I know, And I just want to before you leave,

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Speaker 3: say thank you because I've been listening to you for

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Speaker 3: two years now and you've been my piece when I

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Speaker 3: can't find it, So I appreciate it.

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Speaker 1: Okay, all right, now ask yourself? Why am I okay

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Speaker 1: with the pay? Okay? All right? Love? Thank you? Alrighty.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure what you heard there, but I heard

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Speaker 1: somebody who's acting like they don't know what they do know.

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Speaker 1: But let's see what the next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved,

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Speaker 1: and welcome to the art spot. Is it him? Is

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Speaker 1: it you? And what you're gonna do about?

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Speaker 2: I don't know?

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Speaker 1: Is that him? Is it you? Okay? Well? What what

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Speaker 1: what's the issue?

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Speaker 3: Okay?

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Speaker 2: So I would think that is I don't know if

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Speaker 2: I'm over thinking or being too And what I mean

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Speaker 2: by that is we've been dating for almost years, almost

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Speaker 2: six years, and.

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Speaker 1: We do what does that mean dating? What does that mean?

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Speaker 4: Okay?

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Speaker 2: So it means we're a couple, we live together, we

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Speaker 2: met family, we've gone on several trips together. And by families,

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Speaker 2: I mean we have three children together, none biologically together,

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Speaker 2: but we're raising three kids together.

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Speaker 1: His children, your children is and then mine.

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Speaker 4: I have one, he has two. And okay we yeah,

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Speaker 4: we do all the things together.

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Speaker 2: Like we.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I got it. You do all the things together.

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Speaker 1: You've been married for you've been together for six years,

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Speaker 1: you have three children, you're in his family, he's in

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Speaker 1: your family.

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Speaker 4: And we're not married. And he knows I want to

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Speaker 4: be married.

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Speaker 2: He's been married before.

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Speaker 1: What does married mean to you? What will change if

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Speaker 1: you get married?

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Speaker 2: I feel like the level of the security and commitment

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Speaker 2: will change.

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Speaker 1: Oh so you're not secure now? And you think he's

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Speaker 1: gonna walk away?

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Speaker 4: Yeah? I think that we both can mar which I guess.

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Speaker 1: And you think that people who get married don't walk away?

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Speaker 4: Of course they do, of course they do.

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Speaker 1: Oh so what is it that you really want, beloved?

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Speaker 1: Is it you want to be married? Or is that

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Speaker 1: you want the wedding?

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Speaker 3: I really don't care.

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Speaker 2: About the wedding, mainly because my dad has passed and

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Speaker 2: he can't walk me down all the extra pompous so.

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Speaker 4: I don't I don't care to pay for it.

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Speaker 1: But why don't you do that? Why don't y'all marry

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Speaker 1: each other? Just get married, Just get your bible, get

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Speaker 1: the little ceremony staying at the kitchen table, and do

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Speaker 1: the wedding. Why don't you do that?

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Speaker 2: Because if I do that and I don't know what

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Speaker 2: something happens to him tomorrow, then so what, I'm just

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Speaker 2: going to be moving out of this house.

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Speaker 1: And you don't trust that this man who's you've been

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Speaker 1: with for six years, who's helping you raise your children,

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Speaker 1: who loves and trusts and honors you enough to allow

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Speaker 1: you to support him and raising his children, who works

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Speaker 1: comes home, tastes the man that you're sleeping with. You

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Speaker 1: don't trust that this six years has been enough of

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Speaker 1: a commitment, and that if you go downtown and get

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Speaker 1: somebody you don't know to give you a piece of

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Speaker 1: paper and say, okay, now he has to do it,

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Speaker 1: think that'll change the relationship?

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Speaker 2: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Or no? What are you not telling me? You're not

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Speaker 1: telling me something?

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Speaker 2: Boom, Well, I'm not telling you that. I think the

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Speaker 2: fact that he hasn't married he means that.

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Speaker 1: He doesn't want to be right and what else?

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Speaker 4: That's it?

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Speaker 1: You don't want to get married. So do you want

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Speaker 1: to stay in a relationship with him? For who? It

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Speaker 1: ain't a problem for him, I.

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Speaker 4: Know, right, that's great.

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Speaker 2: But he's a saying he wants to get married.

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Speaker 1: He keeps on saying he wants to get married.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and then not doing it, then only have X,

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Speaker 2: y Z problems.

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Speaker 3: Then this is wrong.

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Speaker 4: Then that is wrong.

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Speaker 1: So is it him? Is it you? Is it him?

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Speaker 1: Or is it you?

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Speaker 2: It's because it's me because I'm saying and not being

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Speaker 2: married and wanting to be married, and then it's.

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Speaker 1: Him because it's not him. He's okay, he's not you are.

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Speaker 1: But here's the thing, beloved, you got to get clear

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Speaker 1: about what you want. You've got to get clear about

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Speaker 1: what you want. Do you want him or do you

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Speaker 1: want the piece of paper that gives you security? And

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Speaker 1: I just want you to know. Married men walk out,

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Speaker 1: married men cheat, married men bring home other babies from

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Speaker 1: other places. Married men don't pay their bills, married men

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Speaker 1: beat their wives. So what is it that you really want?

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Speaker 1: It sounds like you want to guarantee and a piece

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Speaker 1: of paper is not going to give you that. And

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Speaker 1: then if you really really just want to be married,

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Speaker 1: if you want to be chosen, and you want him

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Speaker 1: to announce to God and the universe and all the

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Speaker 1: community if you want, and his family, this is the

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Speaker 1: one I've chosen. If you want that, then say that

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Speaker 1: I want. Yeah, And if he doesn't give you what

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Speaker 1: it is that you want, then you have to decide.

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Speaker 1: Am I willing to stay here and accept what I

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Speaker 1: don't want? Or am I willing to get out and

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Speaker 1: go for what I do want. That's it's as simple decision.

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Speaker 1: So it's not him boo, is you? It's you?

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Speaker 3: Okay?

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Speaker 2: So what about the clarity you said? I'm getting clear.

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Speaker 2: I need to figure out how to get the clarity

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Speaker 2: because I ain't figuring it out all this time.

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Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back.

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Speaker 1: I am yan lend. This is the R spot. You

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Speaker 1: want to be married, he won't marry you. So either

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Speaker 1: you stay and accept what you don't want, or you

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Speaker 1: leave and go for what you do want. I think

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00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:56,719
Speaker 1: that's clear now. If you want him and what you have,

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Speaker 1: then you're going to have to really investigate why am

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Speaker 1: I pushing this marriage thing?

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Speaker 2: How do I investigate?

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Speaker 4: Well?

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Speaker 1: What you ask yourself? Why am I here? Why is

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Speaker 1: marriage so important? To me, what is it that I

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Speaker 1: really want? Because, for example, are you in his house?

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Speaker 1: Who owns the house you live in?

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Speaker 4: He does?

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Speaker 1: Can you put your name on the deed?

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Speaker 4: Let him know?

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Speaker 1: I'm concerned. You know, this is a crazy world we

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Speaker 1: live in. If you slip on a banana peel and

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Speaker 1: break your neck, I don't have a right to this house.

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Speaker 1: Me and the kids will be in the street. Are

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Speaker 1: you willing to put me on the deed? Do you

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Speaker 1: have a life insurance policy? Am I your beneficiary? What

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Speaker 1: about your pension fund? Am I the beneficiary? Because unless

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Speaker 1: we're married, all of those things will go up and smoke,

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Speaker 1: and me and the children will be left in alert.

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Speaker 1: So you don't want to marry me? Fine? What kind

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Speaker 1: of arrangements can we make so that should anything happen

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Speaker 1: to you, I'm taking care of and should anything happen

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Speaker 1: to me, you're taking care of.

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Speaker 4: Okay, I think this sounds And.

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Speaker 1: Then when he says I'm not doing that, then what

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Speaker 1: you're gonna do?

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Speaker 2: Ooh girl?

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Speaker 1: That's what I said? Ooh girl.

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Speaker 2: Then I'm back to part a leave or what I

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Speaker 2: want or say, and I get the level of security

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Speaker 2: that I want because I think what you said makes

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Speaker 2: a lot of sense that there are any guarantees, right

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Speaker 2: even if we are married, like they're still there. The

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00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:37,399
Speaker 2: steps not a guarantee just because there's that piece of paper.

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Speaker 1: Well, why can't you find security in the love and

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Speaker 1: the companionship of a man that's helping you raise your child?

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Speaker 1: Why can't you find security in that?

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Speaker 2: You know, if I'm being honest, because I haven't defined

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Speaker 2: security as what I have currently.

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Speaker 1: I want you to it belong this for a little bit.

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Speaker 1: He can never give you security if you don't have

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Speaker 1: it within yourself. Never. He can never give you enough.

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Speaker 1: He can marry you, he can put you on the deed,

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00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,840
Speaker 1: he can he can get you a life insurance policy

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Speaker 1: from the progressive man on the TV. And it still

350
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Speaker 1: won't be enough. You know, you know the progressive man.

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Speaker 1: He says, what's your cost? Nine ninety five?

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Speaker 2: No matter before, you sound like him. It's like, it

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Speaker 2: doesn't matter.

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Speaker 3: What I do.

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Speaker 1: It's you. It's not him. It's you, Okay, and I

356
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Speaker 1: you want him to give you something that only you

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Speaker 1: can establish for yourself. So let me ask you a question.

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Speaker 1: Are you trying to establish security outside of your Yeah? Okay,

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00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:07,440
Speaker 1: there you go and do you trust yourself that no

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Speaker 1: matter what happens in this relationship or with him, you're

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Speaker 1: gonna be Okay, do you trust that?

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Speaker 3: Oh?

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00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:14,440
Speaker 4: Yeah, I know that.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So there you go. If you trust this as

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Speaker 1: a good man, if he's a man of good character

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Speaker 1: and integrity, if he's a man that makes you happy,

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Speaker 1: if you can see yourself building a life with him,

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Speaker 1: going forward with him, then a piece of paper is

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Speaker 1: not gonna do anything for you. And your security won't

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Speaker 1: come from within you. It'll come from the courthouse. And

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Speaker 1: if you think he's somebody that's gonna put you out

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Speaker 1: or leave you or abandon you, then you got to

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Speaker 1: stay what am I doing in this relationship? Not let

374
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Speaker 1: me get married? So he can't do that, right. See

375
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,479
Speaker 1: how you solved your own situation you knew all along.

376
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Speaker 1: Think about what you really want and think about it.

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Speaker 1: If you're willing to accept what you have or go

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Speaker 1: for what you really want and why you want it,

379
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Speaker 1: that's that's the bottom line, Okay, Yes, ma'am. I love

380
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:16,399
Speaker 1: when people ask me questions. They ask me questions because

381
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,359
Speaker 1: they already know the answer, They just want me to

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Speaker 1: confirm it. And that's exactly what my next scholler is doing.

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Speaker 1: Take a listen. Greetings beloved, welcome to the art spot.

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Speaker 1: Now is it him? Is it you? And what you're

385
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Speaker 1: gonna do about it?

386
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:34,400
Speaker 2: Yes?

387
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Speaker 4: I think it's him, but.

388
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Speaker 1: Me, Oh, that's usually what happens, all right. So you've

389
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:47,040
Speaker 1: you've been married thirty years, you see things completely differently

390
00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:50,399
Speaker 1: now and you're considering divorced. So what's the question.

391
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:56,000
Speaker 2: A question is do I stay and try to work

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Speaker 2: on the marriage or do I go?

393
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:01,919
Speaker 4: I'm kind of stuck in the meadow.

394
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:05,800
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. Do you stay

395
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,520
Speaker 1: and continue to work on the marriage after thirty years

396
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:10,400
Speaker 1: or do you go?

397
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:12,800
Speaker 4: Yeah?

398
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,320
Speaker 1: And what would make you stay? And what would make

399
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,639
Speaker 1: you leave? What would make you stay?

400
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:19,679
Speaker 4: What would make me say?

401
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:24,440
Speaker 2: If he works, because I've been doing the work on myself,

402
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:29,360
Speaker 2: if he will agree to do the work want himself,

403
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:30,800
Speaker 2: I would consider.

404
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:33,120
Speaker 1: Let me tell you wait a minute, stop right there,

405
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,120
Speaker 1: stop right there. Then you need to pack, you need

406
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:36,640
Speaker 1: to get out.

407
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:38,320
Speaker 3: Yeah.

408
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 1: You cannot make your happiness, your contentment, your anything depending

409
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Speaker 1: upon what somebody else does.

410
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,520
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I think I needed to hear that.

411
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Speaker 4: You know.

412
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,480
Speaker 1: Well, let me ask that question. Do you love him?

413
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:54,720
Speaker 4: Yes?

414
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:55,120
Speaker 2: I do.

415
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,199
Speaker 1: Is he the right partner for you?

416
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:02,000
Speaker 2: I thought he was, But now that we have gotten

417
00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:06,600
Speaker 2: older and we don't agree on anything, I'm starting to

418
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:07,440
Speaker 2: get that.

419
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,080
Speaker 1: Well, why do you need to agree? Has he supported

420
00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:13,200
Speaker 1: you as you've done this work on yourself?

421
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:14,000
Speaker 2: Yes?

422
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,400
Speaker 1: Has he tried to stop you?

423
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:18,320
Speaker 4: No? He is that.

424
00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:21,320
Speaker 1: So why can't you just love him for who he

425
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 1: is and not who you want him to be?

426
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 2: I know I'm trying, but the disappointment, the disappointment. We've

427
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:34,120
Speaker 2: been through a lot, and the disappointments, I think I'm

428
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,840
Speaker 2: more disappointed and I have a lot of.

429
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,040
Speaker 4: Resentment, and it's hard.

430
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Speaker 2: It's hard for me to just say, Okay, this is

431
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:45,000
Speaker 2: the way you are.

432
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:46,119
Speaker 1: Why.

433
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:47,960
Speaker 2: I was just looking for.

434
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Speaker 4: Some growth or some change.

435
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:54,240
Speaker 2: I don't know, maybe because I've grown and I've changed.

436
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,879
Speaker 1: But if you can't accept him exactly who he is,

437
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 1: then you're banking on who you think he should be,

438
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,919
Speaker 1: who you want him to be, or the potential of

439
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:06,880
Speaker 1: who he can be.

440
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:08,840
Speaker 4: Yeah.

441
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:13,880
Speaker 2: I do see the potential, and I yeah.

442
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,440
Speaker 1: But you see in his potential and him not realizing it,

443
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:22,080
Speaker 1: and maybe that's not your that's not his path. And

444
00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:26,720
Speaker 1: this happens, this happens, so often when as one partner,

445
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:32,239
Speaker 1: you know, shifts, change evolves, and if that person no

446
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 1: longer meets your need. But you've got a life that's

447
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,919
Speaker 1: totally wrapped up in this person. You know, the house,

448
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:45,040
Speaker 1: the linen, the china, Thanksgiving, Easter, you know all of

449
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:45,919
Speaker 1: those things.

450
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, and now that we have we have three kids

451
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:52,080
Speaker 2: and the last one just turned eighteen, and so we're

452
00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:55,560
Speaker 2: trying to We've never been with our kids, so we're

453
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:56,680
Speaker 2: trying to figure it out.

454
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,399
Speaker 4: Do we like each other? Do you know? What do

455
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,080
Speaker 4: we do? It's just me and you.

456
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,480
Speaker 2: You know, and there's no kids really around and you know,

457
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:05,680
Speaker 2: to care for.

458
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:09,639
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. When did you

459
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 1: realize that the marriage as you knew it was over?

460
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:18,840
Speaker 2: About maybe twenty a few years ago, when right during

461
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,399
Speaker 2: the pandemic. I think a lot of things came to

462
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,840
Speaker 2: life for me, Like you know, now that our children

463
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,760
Speaker 2: are grown, I had more time to think about it.

464
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:27,400
Speaker 4: We're just not.

465
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:31,160
Speaker 2: Moving through life and working and busy and everything. Stuff

466
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:32,240
Speaker 2: started to slow.

467
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:32,920
Speaker 4: Down then, and I.

468
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,160
Speaker 2: Realized a lot of things.

469
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:42,080
Speaker 1: Okay, so here's another question. Is this the man that

470
00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:50,440
Speaker 1: you want to be with when you take your last breath? Yes, okay, Well,

471
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:55,360
Speaker 1: then what do you need to do to be okay?

472
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 1: Because here's here's the thing. The marriage as you knew

473
00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:07,280
Speaker 1: it was over. Yeah, can you create a new relationship,

474
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:09,879
Speaker 1: a new marriage with him? Take it out of the

475
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,880
Speaker 1: marriage and just say, can you create a new relationship

476
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:17,080
Speaker 1: with this man? And is he willing to create a

477
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:19,480
Speaker 1: new relationship with you? That's the big question.

478
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, he seems like he wants to tribe. But it's

479
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:28,480
Speaker 2: like we can't agree on anything, not even a movie.

480
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,000
Speaker 1: But that's because you want him to do it the

481
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:35,560
Speaker 1: way you want him to do it. You really think

482
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: you know. And sometimes when we as women grow or

483
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,080
Speaker 1: stretch or heel, we become a little arrogant and we

484
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 1: think we know. Do you like him? I mean? Does

485
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,960
Speaker 1: his breatstink? Do his feet stink? Does he make you happy?

486
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,199
Speaker 1: Is he good in the bed? I mean you know,

487
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:56,119
Speaker 1: does he bring your flowers? Do you like him most

488
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:56,720
Speaker 1: of the time?

489
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:57,120
Speaker 3: Yeah?

490
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:02,800
Speaker 1: Okay? So then what what why do you need to

491
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:05,760
Speaker 1: agree This week we go to the movie you want?

492
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:08,000
Speaker 1: Next week we go to the movie I want? How

493
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,280
Speaker 1: about that? Can we agree on that? And when it's

494
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,440
Speaker 1: his movie, you keep your mouth shut and you sit

495
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,040
Speaker 1: there and you watch it. When it's your movie, he

496
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,760
Speaker 1: keeps his mouth shut. He sits there and he watches it.

497
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:24,120
Speaker 2: And so then that's really been the problem because sometimes

498
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,640
Speaker 2: when it's my turn, he gets old fidgety, and then

499
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:28,720
Speaker 2: I get bad.

500
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 1: Why he's fidgeting? Tit for tat the marriage as you

501
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 1: knew it is over?

502
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:38,600
Speaker 4: Yeah?

503
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 1: Is do you like this person enough to try to

504
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:46,440
Speaker 1: build a new relationship with him? We'll talk more about

505
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:55,360
Speaker 1: it when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot.

506
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:58,800
Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left off. If you saw

507
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 1: him at the vegetable cam in the supermarket, would you

508
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:03,040
Speaker 1: wink at it?

509
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:04,320
Speaker 4: Probably?

510
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 1: Okay, so we got a beginning. You don't have to agree.

511
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 1: You have to like each other and respect each other.

512
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 1: Do you trust it?

513
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,080
Speaker 4: That's another story.

514
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:22,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's been a lot of stuff over the years.

515
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:23,400
Speaker 4: Yeah.

516
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:27,800
Speaker 2: And it's been a lot of reinventing this relationship over

517
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:28,680
Speaker 2: the years.

518
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:30,960
Speaker 4: That is another story.

519
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:32,640
Speaker 1: So what do you want?

520
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:34,560
Speaker 4: I just want to be happy.

521
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 2: I just want to be happy. I spent over thirty

522
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:42,680
Speaker 2: years with this man, and I'm just searching for my happiness,

523
00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:44,880
Speaker 2: whatever that is. I just don't want to say, oh,

524
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 2: I invested thirty something years, and I might make this work.

525
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:49,760
Speaker 2: I just want to be happy.

526
00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:55,080
Speaker 1: Here's something I want you to consider. Your husband is

527
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:56,000
Speaker 1: not your girlfriend.

528
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:57,719
Speaker 4: Now.

529
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:03,200
Speaker 1: He's not going to show up like a good girlfriend.

530
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:06,640
Speaker 1: Some husbands due, but he's not gonna show up like

531
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: a good girlfriend.

532
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:08,680
Speaker 2: Right.

533
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:15,440
Speaker 1: And another thing to think about is always is not forever.

534
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:19,280
Speaker 1: I love that song Michael Jackson used to say. My

535
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:26,600
Speaker 1: forever came today. So maybe y'all won't be together forever.

536
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:32,240
Speaker 1: I know if you can't accept him in all ways,

537
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,360
Speaker 1: all ways that he is, if you can't accept that,

538
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,200
Speaker 1: be love it, then you know what to do.

539
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:38,760
Speaker 2: Yeah.

540
00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:42,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, And you haven't invested thirty years and you need

541
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 1: to stay and make it work. You've participated in a

542
00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:51,760
Speaker 1: thirty year experiment and now you get to choose whether

543
00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:53,720
Speaker 1: the experiment worked or didn't.

544
00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:55,360
Speaker 4: Yeah.

545
00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:57,720
Speaker 2: And I think that's the hard part for me is

546
00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:02,560
Speaker 2: I'm thinking that I did everything that I knew that

547
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,960
Speaker 2: was good. You know, everything I knew to make it work.

548
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:09,360
Speaker 2: I did everything and it and at the end it

549
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,080
Speaker 2: still didn't work out the way.

550
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:15,800
Speaker 1: I wanted it to see. I think you know what

551
00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:18,640
Speaker 1: to do, but I think you're holding it as you know,

552
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:22,240
Speaker 1: like stocks, I invested these thirty years of time, energy

553
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 1: and money. I put up with a lot of stuff,

554
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 1: and now I got to make it work and he

555
00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:31,120
Speaker 1: ain't cooperating. Well, maybe you're forever king. Ask for what

556
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:34,120
Speaker 1: you want and make your exit plan, and of course

557
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:36,840
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean your lead, but at least you start

558
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:40,760
Speaker 1: moving in that direction where you're gonna live. You know,

559
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:46,080
Speaker 1: how much money do you need? What are you gonna do?

560
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:49,240
Speaker 1: You want? One bedroom? Two bedrooms? You know, because trying

561
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:51,440
Speaker 1: to make him move out, that's that's not gonna work.

562
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not It's not gonna work.

563
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:59,480
Speaker 1: So yeah, so make your exit plan and see if

564
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,840
Speaker 1: you can ext acute it okay. And if you're going

565
00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:05,680
Speaker 1: to stay, you've got to figure out what you need

566
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:09,880
Speaker 1: to do to be okay again. If this is the

567
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,080
Speaker 1: man that you want to be with, when you take

568
00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:14,640
Speaker 1: your last breath and close your eyes for the last time,

569
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,560
Speaker 1: also ask yourself, what do I need to be okay

570
00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:21,800
Speaker 1: with him? Exactly as he is? Because it's not him,

571
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 1: it's you.

572
00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:26,800
Speaker 4: I'm trying.

573
00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 2: I was wondering, I say, is it me?

574
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 4: Is it me? To be me?

575
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:38,600
Speaker 1: Well, because you say, you say that you want something,

576
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,280
Speaker 1: but then you're not willing to do what's required to

577
00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:45,959
Speaker 1: get it. And I don't understand people staying and complaining.

578
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:49,640
Speaker 1: I just it just that just blows my mind.

579
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:54,400
Speaker 4: It's been a longe once. It's been alone. It's been alone.

580
00:32:54,440 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 1: But thank you so much. All righty bye bye? Why

581
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:07,200
Speaker 1: tell me? Why? Please tell me why we are so

582
00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:17,240
Speaker 1: willing to disminish and dismiss ourselves to make somebody else happen? Why?

583
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:20,160
Speaker 1: Why did we do that? That's what I'm going to

584
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:27,200
Speaker 1: ask my next call. Welcome to the our spot, beloved.

585
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,680
Speaker 1: Is it him? Is it you? And what you're gonna

586
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:30,800
Speaker 1: do about it?

587
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:38,360
Speaker 4: It's me and it's him? How are you?

588
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:43,840
Speaker 1: So? I'm blessed, beloved? So you have a fiance. How

589
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:45,000
Speaker 1: long have you been engaged?

590
00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:52,720
Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, oh thirteen thirteen years? But he went

591
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:55,760
Speaker 4: off to prison for eight years. He's still there. He

592
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:59,760
Speaker 4: get out. He get out this twenty twenty four.

593
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:04,400
Speaker 1: Okay, so he's been in prison for the last eight years,

594
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:09,360
Speaker 1: over together, five years before he went to prison. Yes, okay,

595
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:11,480
Speaker 1: So what's the question.

596
00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:21,640
Speaker 4: The question is I wait? I know I'm not crazy.

597
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:23,680
Speaker 4: Here's here.

598
00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 1: You have waited.

599
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:29,359
Speaker 4: I waited, and I've been celebrated. I was faithful and

600
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:34,560
Speaker 4: I love him, and it's like, now it's time for

601
00:34:34,680 --> 00:34:36,759
Speaker 4: him to come home, and he's talking about you know,

602
00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:40,320
Speaker 4: you know, nice plans. You know, I'm getting together, getting married,

603
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:43,920
Speaker 4: getting a business together, and you know, building his family.

604
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 4: And now it's like, uh, he's talking you know, pretty good.

605
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:54,239
Speaker 4: But I just decided, probably probably about a year ago,

606
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 4: that I didn't want the relationship anymore.

607
00:34:57,560 --> 00:34:59,240
Speaker 1: Okay, so that what's the problem.

608
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:02,480
Speaker 4: But I I'm not decided, I'm undecided.

609
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:06,080
Speaker 1: No, that's not true. Don't do that to yourself. That

610
00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:09,720
Speaker 1: is absolutely not true. I heard you say very clearly,

611
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:14,680
Speaker 1: I decided a year ago that I don't want the relationship.

612
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:19,520
Speaker 1: I also heard you say I love him. So is

613
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 1: it possible that you can love him and not be

614
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:27,640
Speaker 1: in this relationship. You don't have to stop loving him.

615
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:32,759
Speaker 1: You can still be in relationship with him, just not

616
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:38,279
Speaker 1: as his partner. You've been a support to him. But

617
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:40,880
Speaker 1: I want to go back eight years. I want to

618
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:45,399
Speaker 1: go back eight years and asked who is the man

619
00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:48,320
Speaker 1: and what did he do that landed him in jail.

620
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:51,359
Speaker 1: You don't have to tell me. I'm just saying that's

621
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:55,040
Speaker 1: who you've got to look at. Okay, Because that's when

622
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:58,200
Speaker 1: that's who went to jail, and that's who's coming out

623
00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:58,640
Speaker 1: of jail.

624
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:03,560
Speaker 4: Yes, okay, it even though he's a change to man

625
00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:07,560
Speaker 4: and he that's who went to jail, and that's who

626
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:08,399
Speaker 4: went out of jail.

627
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:10,880
Speaker 1: Who's coming out of jail. Because you all were in

628
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 1: relationship for five years together, did you know he was

629
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:15,080
Speaker 1: selling drugs?

630
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:15,719
Speaker 4: No?

631
00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:20,400
Speaker 1: Okay. So there was a man who was withholding information

632
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 1: from you, a man who was out of integrity, a

633
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:27,600
Speaker 1: man who was not being fully responsible. It's irresponsible to

634
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:28,640
Speaker 1: sell drugs.

635
00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:30,000
Speaker 4: No, that is.

636
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,759
Speaker 1: That's who he was when he went to jail. That's

637
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:37,319
Speaker 1: who's coming out of jail. So do you want to

638
00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:40,200
Speaker 1: be in relationship with the man who went to jail?

639
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 4: No?

640
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:44,800
Speaker 1: Okay, So there you go. Okay.

641
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,600
Speaker 4: He made it so plain and so simple. That's why

642
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:51,800
Speaker 4: I needed to talk say.

643
00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:58,080
Speaker 1: And now here's here's what you're not talking about. That

644
00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:00,600
Speaker 1: he's going to come out. He's looking to come home

645
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 1: to you. He doesn't have any place else to go.

646
00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:05,799
Speaker 1: He's gonna have to get a job. He's got a

647
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:09,920
Speaker 1: he's got a felony conviction. You know, he may have

648
00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:13,960
Speaker 1: never seen an iPad, you know, because he's been in

649
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:18,399
Speaker 1: jail for ad okay, and you may not know how

650
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:23,960
Speaker 1: to deal with that mhm. So that's what you have

651
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:28,319
Speaker 1: to work on. How do you continue to support him

652
00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:31,160
Speaker 1: outside of your house because he can't come home to

653
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:32,520
Speaker 1: your house because you don't want to be in a

654
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:33,759
Speaker 1: relationship with him like that?

655
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:34,799
Speaker 4: No I don't.

656
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:38,360
Speaker 1: And you're still going to visit him.

657
00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 4: No, I stopped that, you.

658
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:46,600
Speaker 1: Know, okay, all right? And do you write him, you

659
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:49,360
Speaker 1: send him, you put money on his books. I stopped

660
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:52,760
Speaker 1: that you stop putting money on his books.

661
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,560
Speaker 4: Two years ago. That's when I really really made a

662
00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:58,760
Speaker 4: wi decision, like this is not gonna work on wasting

663
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,120
Speaker 4: And then again I didn't want to, you know, make

664
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:05,640
Speaker 4: myself seeing wrong because you love who you love and

665
00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,560
Speaker 4: you know you want to support that person. So that

666
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:11,319
Speaker 4: I felt like I supported him out of love, not

667
00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:15,279
Speaker 4: out of wanting a relationship from him. Because when he

668
00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:17,839
Speaker 4: went to jail, and for when he went to jail

669
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:20,160
Speaker 4: for you, right, I didn't know anything about it. He

670
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:23,120
Speaker 4: was kind of like, you know, being sneaky, and I

671
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:24,960
Speaker 4: thought like, no, that's not the man I want to

672
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:27,840
Speaker 4: be with a man that's sneaky and withholding information. I

673
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:30,400
Speaker 4: didn't want to be with nobody like that. But I

674
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:33,040
Speaker 4: held on because I wanted to support him, because I

675
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:34,000
Speaker 4: still had.

676
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:37,879
Speaker 1: Love for Have you had that conversation with Yeah?

677
00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:44,080
Speaker 4: No, not that, not what I just sold you know

678
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:46,800
Speaker 4: how I told you, No, Well, there's not going to

679
00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:49,120
Speaker 4: be helpful to him for you to have a conversation

680
00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:55,120
Speaker 4: with me, that conversation with him and start getting him prepared.

681
00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,320
Speaker 1: Start getting him prepared.

682
00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:01,560
Speaker 4: That's the hard part. I don't want to disappoint him.

683
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:05,040
Speaker 1: You know, you want to disappoint yourself.

684
00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 4: No, you know I do not.

685
00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:10,680
Speaker 1: Okay, well, there you go. Vote for you.

686
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:14,719
Speaker 4: I'm a Oh that's right, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

687
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:15,680
Speaker 4: Vote for me.

688
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:20,719
Speaker 1: Yeah. The loving, the most loving and compassionate thing you

689
00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:26,440
Speaker 1: can do is to begin to prepare him now, because

690
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:29,160
Speaker 1: what you don't want to have happened is for a

691
00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:32,040
Speaker 1: Spring of twenty twenty four to get here and he's

692
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:35,480
Speaker 1: thinking he's coming to your house. I don't know if

693
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 1: he has other family, if he needs to go into

694
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:40,839
Speaker 1: a halfway house, but you need to start preparing him now.

695
00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:45,399
Speaker 1: I love you, you know I've waited for you. But see,

696
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:49,879
Speaker 1: you gotta also stop telling this dual story. I'm engaged.

697
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 1: I've been celibate. Why you've been celibate?

698
00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:56,200
Speaker 4: Yes, that's the love on here for him. I didn't

699
00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:57,560
Speaker 4: want no other man looking.

700
00:39:58,320 --> 00:40:00,360
Speaker 1: But then two years ago you decide, how did you

701
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,840
Speaker 1: don't want to be in this relationship? You were supposed

702
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:04,960
Speaker 1: to go get you some nookie. You should have got

703
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:05,880
Speaker 1: the nookie.

704
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:15,680
Speaker 4: In I'm not but I didn't. So I've learned over

705
00:40:15,719 --> 00:40:16,480
Speaker 4: the years.

706
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:19,799
Speaker 1: So listen to this and see how this lands in

707
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:22,560
Speaker 1: your body. Love him enough to tell him the truth,

708
00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:27,200
Speaker 1: Love him enough to tell him the truth, and love

709
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:31,440
Speaker 1: yourself enough to tell him the truth, because you don't

710
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:34,480
Speaker 1: want to wait and have this man prepared to come

711
00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:37,640
Speaker 1: out thinking he's coming home to you and you ain't

712
00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:43,440
Speaker 1: even home. Love him enough to tell him the truth.

713
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:44,960
Speaker 4: That makes a lot of sense.

714
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:48,720
Speaker 1: Yesterday, well, good for you. You solved your own problem.

715
00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:50,439
Speaker 1: Let's see the truth to set you free.

716
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 4: A lot of help from you. I'll come. I can't.

717
00:40:54,040 --> 00:41:00,399
Speaker 4: I'm talking to you.

718
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:03,799
Speaker 1: You're not alone, beloved. There are hundreds of thousands of

719
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:08,440
Speaker 1: others in that same situation, and so you're you're drawing

720
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:11,160
Speaker 1: on the strength and the courage of many, and some

721
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:13,880
Speaker 1: one day you're going to meet some woman in the

722
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:17,080
Speaker 1: same situation, and you'll be able to say, this is

723
00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:18,040
Speaker 1: what I had to do.

724
00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:22,280
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, love you, love you, love you, love.

725
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,799
Speaker 1: You, and go get you some milkie ahead you need some.

726
00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:29,279
Speaker 4: Thank you so much.

727
00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:38,120
Speaker 1: All righty bye bye bye. So there you have it.

728
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:42,319
Speaker 1: You got to ask yourself, is it him? Is it her?

729
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:46,640
Speaker 1: Or is it me? And I promise you ninety nine

730
00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:49,479
Speaker 1: point nine percent of the time you're gonna find out

731
00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:53,319
Speaker 1: it's you, boo. It's you not asking for what you want,

732
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:57,520
Speaker 1: accepting less than you want, making excuses for not having

733
00:41:57,560 --> 00:42:02,720
Speaker 1: what you want, not knowing how to be okay with things.

734
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:06,160
Speaker 1: The way they are trying to make people different than

735
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:10,520
Speaker 1: they are, believing you know better than somebody else what

736
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:12,959
Speaker 1: they need to be doing and what's good for them.

737
00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:17,080
Speaker 1: It's always about us because the first relationship you ever

738
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:21,160
Speaker 1: have is the one you are having with yourself, and

739
00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:26,080
Speaker 1: people just show up to demonstrate that relationship. So that's

740
00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:29,400
Speaker 1: it for today's episode. Be sure to tune in and

741
00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:32,839
Speaker 1: we have a new episode every Wednesday. And if you've

742
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:35,320
Speaker 1: got a question or something that you want to share

743
00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:38,920
Speaker 1: with me, are one hundred words or less one hundred

744
00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:42,640
Speaker 1: not five hundred and fifty two. Okay, send it to

745
00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:47,400
Speaker 1: me at the rspot at yama dot com. In the meantime,

746
00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:51,520
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not peace. Listen