Speaker 1: We got listening letters, y'all, love it, love it love
Speaker 1: you know, every season we have to dedicate just one
Speaker 1: episode to getting all of me always baby.
Speaker 2: So this is that for us today. Excited to just
Speaker 2: dive in? Should we just start right now? Babe?
Speaker 3: Which you think?
Speaker 4: Well, we can start by saying dead ass? D We'll stop.
Speaker 3: Oh that was a sound bite. Whoops, I just got
Speaker 3: so excited I forgot about the sound bite. Do you
Speaker 3: want to rewind that.
Speaker 4: Dead ass? Y'all?
Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 4: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 3: Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 3: I make you need therapy most days.
Speaker 4: Wow.
Speaker 3: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 4: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 3: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 4: The lens of a millennial Marria couple.
Speaker 1: Dead ass is a term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts
Speaker 1: one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
Speaker 1: the truth.
Speaker 4: Were about to take philos off to our whole new level.
Speaker 3: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: It's yeah, we can dive right in now if you
Speaker 1: want to stay on script, because typically I'm the one
Speaker 1: that's off script.
Speaker 4: But you gotta and wheel me back in.
Speaker 1: But I'm a real you back so I knows she
Speaker 1: get She's so excited she wanted to ask questions.
Speaker 4: No introduction, y'all. Ain't hear the theme song and nothing?
Speaker 2: No, I don't think do we don't really do a
Speaker 2: theme song, or we don't do storytime and all that journey.
Speaker 4: Not storytime, But they typically hear the sound bite then
Speaker 4: the theme song.
Speaker 3: Oh for the show? You mean you forgot all about Yeah?
Speaker 3: I forgot all about this. Man, I can't contain myself.
Speaker 4: Season thirteen ship, you know?
Speaker 3: All right? Let me give it the program focus conte
Speaker 3: even focus, Okay, all right. Number one. I'm currently going
Speaker 3: through a miscarriage and my body has not been taking
Speaker 3: care of fit on its own. I am so sorry.
Speaker 3: Hear that. Been there. I understand how you feel.
Speaker 2: The other night, I was having cramps, so I asked
Speaker 2: my husband to cook dinner because I felt like I
Speaker 2: couldn't move. He did, but with an attitude, or what
Speaker 2: appeared to be an attitude to me because he was
Speaker 2: quiet and not attempting to converse with me. He's been
Speaker 2: asking me to get earthquake insurance on our home for
Speaker 2: the past three weeks, which I haven't gotten around to.
Speaker 2: This miscarriage has been going on for three weeks. Oh goodness, hospital, Yeah,
Speaker 2: at this point, that's three weeks.
Speaker 3: Is a long time baby.
Speaker 2: In the midst of eating dinner, quietly, he says, we
Speaker 2: still don't have earthquake insurance. I stayed quiet because I
Speaker 2: was annoyed that he brought it up, knowing that I
Speaker 2: was in pain at the moment. He also wanted to
Speaker 2: deep clean the house all week, which again neither of
Speaker 2: us got around to. After the earthquake insurance comment, he says,
Speaker 2: when are we gonna clean? I then said I'm in
Speaker 2: pain right now and cannot physically move. He goes to
Speaker 2: our bedroom and lays down in bed. It gets closer
Speaker 2: to the kids' bedtime, and I felt the urge to
Speaker 2: use the restroom on the toilet. I started bleeding a lot,
Speaker 2: and I asked my toddler to get his dad. He
Speaker 2: doesn't come after what felt like ten minutes, but maybe
Speaker 2: it was five, so I get up still bleeding, and
Speaker 2: see him laughing at videos on ig.
Speaker 3: I got pissed.
Speaker 2: I said, do I need to put the kids to bed,
Speaker 2: hoping that he would offer to put them to bed,
Speaker 2: but instead he then says, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 3: Then I see red.
Speaker 2: I don't remember the sequence of events, I said, but
Speaker 2: I remember saying, you're really not going to help me
Speaker 2: right now. You're being an asshole. You lack we know
Speaker 2: about the asshole when it's a trigger word over here, y'all.
Speaker 2: You lack empathy. You're the worst partner. He said, go
Speaker 2: find someone else then, which got me even more pissed.
Speaker 2: I said other things I don't remember. I even said,
Speaker 2: you want me to clean? Okay, sure, let's get all
Speaker 2: this blow off the fucking floor, man, I went in.
Speaker 2: I'm missing a ton of other comments, but that's the
Speaker 2: general gist of how the argument went.
Speaker 3: I was heated.
Speaker 2: I ended up putting the kids down to bed, all
Speaker 2: three by myself that and went to the bed pissed.
Speaker 2: Neither of us talked to each other the next day.
Speaker 2: He asked if I'm going to apologize. I apologized for
Speaker 2: being emotional, but he says, I need to apologize for
Speaker 2: only thinking about my emotions and not his. He said
Speaker 2: that he felt like he was taking care of everything
Speaker 2: in the house and the kids for the past month
Speaker 2: and he needed a break. We squashed it, But my
Speaker 2: question is how do you navigate emotions when both emotions
Speaker 2: are high. He didn't take the miscarriage news too lightly,
Speaker 2: but also tends to hide his emotions. He spoke briefly
Speaker 2: about it and how it fucked him up. But I'm
Speaker 2: going through both the physical and the mental part of it.
Speaker 2: Is it my responsibility to stop and think about what
Speaker 2: he's going through? Mid cramps and bleeding. Likely if I
Speaker 2: hadn't told him off, he would have helped me and
Speaker 2: checked on me. But I feel like I needed him
Speaker 2: in that moment. How do I prioritize feelings in situations
Speaker 2: like this?
Speaker 3: Side note?
Speaker 2: The doctor prescribed me medication to clear everything out, which
Speaker 2: I'll be taking this weekend, so I'm taking care of
Speaker 2: my health. But I really was hoping my body would
Speaker 2: clear out on its own. Yeah. Thanks again for all
Speaker 2: you do. I'm still sending friends your podcast because I
Speaker 2: do think you're helping so many people out there by
Speaker 2: sharing your experiences. Thank you so much for that sis.
Speaker 2: First off, I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriage.
Speaker 2: Every baby, every miscarriage is it affects people, regardless if
Speaker 2: you have children already or not. Every pregnancy, every child
Speaker 2: is a blessing. So I understand the hurt and having
Speaker 2: to juggle the physical and mental in that space.
Speaker 3: But it's funny.
Speaker 2: As I'm reading this, I was wondering if that was
Speaker 2: his way of dealing with the hurt that he might
Speaker 2: have been feeling while she was going through the miscarriage.
Speaker 2: Maybe not dealing with it, avoiding it by talking about
Speaker 2: the earthquake, insurance and decleaning the house was his way
Speaker 2: of avoiding the hurt that he might have been feeling.
Speaker 4: The first thing I do that.
Speaker 1: The first thing I felt was they probably haven't even
Speaker 1: discussed the loss. They just tried to keep moving forward,
Speaker 1: and in them both trying to just keep moving forward,
Speaker 1: neither one of them to the other one into account. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how much pain and hurt, both emotionally and physically. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they were both going through. And I think ultimately that's
Speaker 1: the bigger thing here. I think everything else that happened
Speaker 1: was a byproduct of that.
Speaker 3: That particularly, they would.
Speaker 1: Have spoke and talked about how they felt with the miscarriage,
Speaker 1: I would even have gotten to.
Speaker 2: That point, yeah, because I remember when we had our
Speaker 2: miscarriage back in California. You actually weren't even physically there
Speaker 2: when it was all happening. You had to leave to film,
Speaker 2: and I know how much it hurt you well a
Speaker 2: not being able to be there for me physically in
Speaker 2: that moment because you had to work, but also to
Speaker 2: empathizing with the fact that I did have the other
Speaker 2: three children at home, and after facetiming you and you
Speaker 2: can see which was pretty much like the massacre in
Speaker 2: the bathroom that took place, and then knowing that like
Speaker 2: the kids were knocking on the door right outside of it,
Speaker 2: and I being emotional in that moment and in pain,
Speaker 2: then just had to kind of pick up the pieces
Speaker 2: and present to be mother's his mom is good, everything
Speaker 2: is like normal, you know, and continue on with my day.
Speaker 1: I just I just want to point out that in
Speaker 1: that moment when you describe having to pick up the
Speaker 1: pieces and continue on, that's something men have to do
Speaker 1: all the time, and I think that people don't realize
Speaker 1: that since we do it all the time, sometimes it
Speaker 1: eats it us and we often don't get And then
Speaker 1: when I say we, I'm not talking about every man,
Speaker 1: because every man doesn't have the capability to do that.
Speaker 1: But I'm talking about a man who is there for
Speaker 1: their family. Even when you had your miscarriage, I remember
Speaker 1: there being months when people knew that you were no
Speaker 1: longer pregnant. No one asked me how I felt about
Speaker 1: losing a child. There was a housecadeen Everyone rushed to you,
Speaker 1: and I was left to just trying to figure it
Speaker 1: out on my own. And that's not excusing his behavior
Speaker 1: when you're.
Speaker 2: Siking it out together, you and I, but just you
Speaker 2: mean like the general public of like family and friends
Speaker 2: who knew type of thing.
Speaker 4: Yeah? No, Yeah.
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is is in situations like these, oftentimes
Speaker 1: everyone runs to the woman's game. When a woman is pregnant, it's,
Speaker 1: oh my god, make sure she's good. When a woman
Speaker 1: has a baby, they don't realize. And the other day
Speaker 1: at the live show, when we asked her, you know,
Speaker 1: how are you guys doing with sleep deprivation, she said,
Speaker 1: he's tired too, because he gets up with me.
Speaker 4: But I remember going through that, no one ever saying.
Speaker 1: To me, hey, Diva, do you need a rest because
Speaker 1: when you woke up, I woke up and I would help,
Speaker 1: but it was always Kadeen gets rest, a vou do this?
Speaker 1: And it's like, how often do men get to say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm a little bit tired or I'm
Speaker 1: a little bit emotional And when we don't get that,
Speaker 1: sometimes we break.
Speaker 4: And it seems like he was having a break.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he probably was.
Speaker 4: Dealing with that, and he was using.
Speaker 1: The earth break insurance and cleaning as a way to
Speaker 1: get attention to talk about something, and he wasn't getting
Speaker 1: the response he expected, which was immature, Like you can't
Speaker 1: just use that, just open up and say it. But
Speaker 1: I think they both were being immature and the fact
Speaker 1: that neither one of them were considering the other party.
Speaker 1: And as a man, I will say this when it
Speaker 1: comes to things like miscarriages and pregnancies, I always say
Speaker 1: and this just works for me. I'm not saying every
Speaker 1: man has to be that, but I say I will
Speaker 1: take that on the chin because I physically don't have
Speaker 1: to go through that, right I don't. I don't have
Speaker 1: to physically go through that. So when it comes time
Speaker 1: to say who should we check on first, it should
Speaker 1: be your woman, right, like they're the one who physically
Speaker 1: have to walk around and deal with all the repercussions, so.
Speaker 2: Right, but also too like men in that situation too
Speaker 2: shouldn't be disregarded either, especially when us as women are
Speaker 2: always craving and asking for men to communicate and tell
Speaker 2: us how you feel and all that we can't then
Speaker 2: shame you for the way you may be reacting because
Speaker 2: your emotions are also on a high. So typically when
Speaker 2: emotions are high, that what happens or lash out, and
Speaker 2: it was probably a compilation of things that was happening
Speaker 2: over the course of those three weeks. You know, there's
Speaker 2: the joy of finding out about the baby, that's an
Speaker 2: ultimate high, and then there's the lull of like, Okay,
Speaker 2: this doesn't seem like a normal pregnancy, and it's like, okay,
Speaker 2: how do I now deflect or just try not to
Speaker 2: deal with this in the moment, because he might have
Speaker 2: been thinking, you know what, I'm going to talk about
Speaker 2: everything else because I don't want her to.
Speaker 3: Have to, you know, deal with Yeah, the emotion too.
Speaker 2: Maybe if I just deflect from it and act like
Speaker 2: it's not happening, then you know, things will be okay.
Speaker 2: So yeah, when the emotions are high deval and I
Speaker 2: usually try to kind of we do a good job.
Speaker 2: I think in general, when emotions are high. Because that
Speaker 2: was her overarching question, one person is usually the one
Speaker 2: to be like, listen, yeah, let's let's bring it back.
Speaker 4: Let's bring it back. Let's let's bring it back.
Speaker 2: Let's bring it And it starts with the tone, you know,
Speaker 2: because I know sometimes you tell me I get a
Speaker 2: little you know, elevated in my tone or the way
Speaker 2: I speak is more forceful, and it may not even
Speaker 2: be one purpose.
Speaker 1: Can I ask a question too, as as a woman,
Speaker 1: because if I have an attitude?
Speaker 4: For example, she said.
Speaker 1: He got quiet, so he had an attitude. She didn't
Speaker 1: like the fact that he had an attitude. Right, I
Speaker 1: want to just put this out there. Understand the fact
Speaker 1: that when we get tired sometimes, yes, we may have
Speaker 1: an attitude. And y'all can recognize when we have an attitude. Right,
Speaker 1: you always say I can recognize we have an attitude. Yes,
Speaker 1: I asked, how come when we try to point out
Speaker 1: to y'all that y'all have an attitude, the response is,
Speaker 1: I don't have an attitude, So it's like you think
Speaker 1: you're the only one that can tell when I have
Speaker 1: an attitude.
Speaker 4: I can tell when you have an attitude, right.
Speaker 1: And then the response after that is sometimes you know
Speaker 1: you're having your period and like I'm going through something,
Speaker 1: deviout and it's like, okay, so you're allowed to be emotional,
Speaker 1: give me an attitude, and I'm supposed to deal with it,
Speaker 1: a lot of times for men, it's like when is
Speaker 1: it my moment? Because y'all get at least four or
Speaker 1: five days a month where you get to say whatever
Speaker 1: you want to say to us, do whatever you want
Speaker 1: to do to us, and we have to accept it
Speaker 1: because you're going through something.
Speaker 4: When is it our return?
Speaker 3: I mean, I don't think there's an excuse.
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't try to rely on my ministry
Speaker 2: cycle as like a green light to disrespect to you.
Speaker 3: I don't think that that's fair.
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about you in particular, you're saying in general.
Speaker 1: When you think about some of these arguments, like even
Speaker 1: when she said, you know I'm going through something, I
Speaker 1: might have said some things, but I'm emotional, it's almost
Speaker 1: as if I was emotional in a moment, it's okay because.
Speaker 4: I'm a woman.
Speaker 3: No, I think it will acknowledge at what.
Speaker 1: Point does a man have that because she said he
Speaker 1: didn't speak to me and said he was disrespectful, right,
Speaker 1: so maybe he's going through something emotional.
Speaker 4: Right when do we get the grace?
Speaker 3: I hear you that you require you, right, No, I
Speaker 3: hear you.
Speaker 2: I think that this is something that we've learned over
Speaker 2: the years because I was never always like that. You
Speaker 2: would tell me I have an attitude, and I'm thinking
Speaker 2: I'm doing a good job of containing my attitude and
Speaker 2: trying to say, you know what, I know that, like,
Speaker 2: you're not the kind of man that I could talk
Speaker 2: to any kind of way, because that will be quick
Speaker 2: to be like, who the fuck are you talking to?
Speaker 4: And you the same way. You know, I'm not going
Speaker 4: to take that.
Speaker 3: He's not going to take that.
Speaker 2: And I wasn't like that always, but I've become that
Speaker 2: person now too, like you're not going to talk me
Speaker 2: to talk to me any kind of way either. So
Speaker 2: I think knowing that at the root of whatever disagreement
Speaker 2: is there still has to be a mutual respect. Yes,
Speaker 2: that's really how we lead when it comes to those
Speaker 2: high emotion situations. We're not in this moment going to
Speaker 2: be disrespectful. We're going to literally try to like, if
Speaker 2: you genuinely want to know what's wrong with your partner,
Speaker 2: maybe lead was a little bit more love and say babe,
Speaker 2: I understand. So, for example, with her, when she realized
Speaker 2: he got quiet, like, Babe, you know this is really
Speaker 2: physically difficult on me right now. I know this may
Speaker 2: be emotionally difficult for you. And if you're really I
Speaker 2: don't know if you got quiet when I asked about dinner,
Speaker 2: how about we just not do dinner. You don't cook,
Speaker 2: let's order out. Let's do something that will take a
Speaker 2: little bit off of your plate in my plate too,
Speaker 2: so we can both be there for each other.
Speaker 3: In this moment.
Speaker 2: I feel you know what I'm saying, Like that might
Speaker 2: have been a way to pivot in that situation, to
Speaker 2: ask to avoid the escalation of emotion.
Speaker 1: My ultimate point is as humans, we can never use
Speaker 1: our emotions as a reason to disrespect somebody, especially if
Speaker 1: somebody we love. And a lot of times when we
Speaker 1: hear these things, it's like, as a man, you're supposed
Speaker 1: to understand that she's a woman and she's emotional, or
Speaker 1: she's going through something physically with her body, which allows
Speaker 1: her to be emotional, which allows her to disrespect.
Speaker 4: That's not acceptable, you know what I'm saying. And I
Speaker 4: think we.
Speaker 1: All as people have to realize that because even if
Speaker 1: you're emotional as a man because you lost a child, right,
Speaker 1: that doesn't give you the right to be emotionally abusive
Speaker 1: to your wife, right.
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And I think as people we all have to realize
Speaker 1: we're all going to constantly go through stuff, right, Asking
Speaker 1: your partner to always subdue their feelings or their thoughts
Speaker 1: when being disrespected is unfair.
Speaker 4: There should never be a point in any.
Speaker 1: Relationship where you should be okay disrespecting your partner. I
Speaker 1: don't care what you're going through, and that's from both sides.
Speaker 1: And that's my point is that we have to get
Speaker 1: past that because if we don't get past it, we're
Speaker 1: going to always end.
Speaker 4: Up in this site there's no resolve.
Speaker 2: Is exhausting, you know, yeah, it really is exhausting. So
Speaker 2: I hope you guys have found a way. I'm happy
Speaker 2: that you were able to get to the doctor for
Speaker 2: medication all that. That will definitely help, because I also
Speaker 2: know what it feels like when your emotions your hormones
Speaker 2: spike because you're like pregnant, and it's like overdriving your body,
Speaker 2: and then it's a crash because you're not. Like it's
Speaker 2: literally a big emotional and hormonal issue when you go
Speaker 2: from being pregnant so drastically to not being pregnant drastically.
Speaker 2: So all the best to you and your family. I
Speaker 2: hope that you and your husband can find better ways
Speaker 2: to respectfully communicate how you feel and what you need,
Speaker 2: especially in moments of crisis like this. Oh so that
Speaker 2: was a pretty loaded, heavy listening letter, So let's take
Speaker 2: a quick break and we're going to get into more
Speaker 2: listening letters after we pay some bills, so stick around.
Speaker 4: So we're back.
Speaker 1: Number two, my favorite number in the world because I'm
Speaker 1: born April second.
Speaker 4: Dear de Valan Kadeen.
Speaker 1: I love the show and the level headed insight you
Speaker 1: both bring to everything that could should and would your
Speaker 1: inspiring marriage.
Speaker 4: Thanks for being inspiration. We appreciate you.
Speaker 1: My husband and I have been married for seven wonderful
Speaker 1: years and have two beautiful kids.
Speaker 4: Congrats. I was blessed to be SAHM for years.
Speaker 3: Stay at home mom.
Speaker 1: Oh, stay at home mom for years. Hey, that's good.
Speaker 1: You pick that up quick man. You like these young
Speaker 1: kids with these acronyms.
Speaker 2: Being a mom too, I'm like, I'm familiar with it
Speaker 2: and seeing like mom pages and.
Speaker 1: Stuff that I follow. Yeah cool, I had no I'm
Speaker 1: like an says, I'm like what s and M, what
Speaker 1: is happening here? I was blessed to be at SAHM
Speaker 1: for years to the provision of my husband. But the
Speaker 1: older the kids get, the fatter the account needs to be,
Speaker 1: and I want to contribute to their futures in our
Speaker 1: current lives. Not to mention, mama got a taste of
Speaker 1: a steady check for the seasonal for the seasonal timeframe,
Speaker 1: and I'm ready to be on someone's payroll again. I
Speaker 1: brought up the idea to my husband of working overnight
Speaker 1: because growing up, my siblings and I were latch key kids,
Speaker 1: and like Deval, I know it's important for me to
Speaker 1: at least have one parent to be home to receive
Speaker 1: the children. Plus there are only eight and five since
Speaker 1: we live. Since we live a literal thousand miles from
Speaker 1: our respective families, oh wow, we have no extra help
Speaker 1: or family childcare and it doesn't help. But every time
Speaker 1: I consider finding a sitter I run up on an
Speaker 1: article about someone harming a child, so I debt it,
Speaker 1: and I debt it all then and there. I'm also
Speaker 1: overcoming anxiety, little by little. That's a lot, but I
Speaker 1: get it. Being away from all your family thousand miles
Speaker 1: will give you anxiety with two kids, yes, the fact
Speaker 1: needless to say, I'm writing because my husband shot that
Speaker 1: idea of overnight work down because he wants me home
Speaker 1: and safe at night and is not budging on his
Speaker 1: displeasure and disapproval.
Speaker 4: He would much rather me work a day job.
Speaker 1: I'm a dental assistant by trade, but I haven't done
Speaker 1: it for years, nor do I want to do that again,
Speaker 1: going back to a nine to five with me paying
Speaker 1: a sitter and after school program and giving us, namely me,
Speaker 1: very little daytime with them. How can I get him
Speaker 1: to see the better points on what I view as
Speaker 1: the most financially beneficial work solution without causing tension between us.
Speaker 1: I appreciate any input and blessings.
Speaker 4: To you all.
Speaker 3: Why overnight work though? She said overnight work and she
Speaker 3: wanted to be home with the kids, got you?
Speaker 2: But then where's she going to be when? I mean,
Speaker 2: I can just think of you working overnight on me
Speaker 2: working overnight in that.
Speaker 1: Empty bed, Like once again, her focus is on her
Speaker 1: kids and her husband, and we always say this children first.
Speaker 1: So you're trying to curate your whole entire life around
Speaker 1: your kids for the kids, and not including yourself or
Speaker 1: your husband, because working overnight is a challenge and I
Speaker 1: would not want my wife working overnight neither. Now I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that you have to listen to what your
Speaker 1: husband's saying, but she also pointed out, how can I
Speaker 1: get him to realize the better points?
Speaker 4: Miss?
Speaker 1: How come you not realizing the better points of you
Speaker 1: not working at night? Why are you ignoring those better
Speaker 1: points and only want him to consider your perspective?
Speaker 2: I think because she said she got a dose of
Speaker 2: what it's like to have a paycheck again. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: I hear from stay at home moms and having been
Speaker 2: one for a while too, how guess fulfilling that is
Speaker 2: in that moment, but also to your feeling like it's
Speaker 2: a detriment to yourself. You know, you want to be
Speaker 2: acclimated in a world where you can have adult conversation
Speaker 2: and you can have your own paycheck, and you know,
Speaker 2: so some things also too, or seasonal, Like we've said before,
Speaker 2: like maybe the season is for you to be to
Speaker 2: stay at home mom now because you don't have the
Speaker 2: extra assistance from friends and family because you're so far
Speaker 2: away from them. And your husband may also too, Like
Speaker 2: sometimes you have to understand that whether it's the husband
Speaker 2: or the wife, or the wife and the wife or
Speaker 2: husband husband, however your makeup is one person typically knows
Speaker 2: who if that's your person, knows what you can and
Speaker 2: can't deal with. There's been ideas that I've come to
Speaker 2: Deval with and vice versa that I'd say, you know, Babe,
Speaker 2: I think I want to do this, and Deva would
Speaker 2: be like, hey, do you really think that that's something.
Speaker 3: You want to do? Like where did you come up
Speaker 3: with this?
Speaker 2: And I'm like, damn, I didn't really think that out
Speaker 2: and think about all of the pros and the cons, right,
Speaker 2: But you're just so excited in that moment about what's happening,
Speaker 2: and you're just like I want to do this, like Babe,
Speaker 2: let's make it happen, and you don't really think through
Speaker 2: the pros and cons of that particular move and what
Speaker 2: it would mean for you and your relationship and your
Speaker 2: children and your family and your health. Like working overnight,
Speaker 2: think about you want to be present for your kids
Speaker 2: during the day.
Speaker 1: That just means you'll probably get up with them for school,
Speaker 1: you know, get some stuff done during the day or
Speaker 1: taken well, maybe taking that. But then you want to
Speaker 1: be there from when they get ready for school. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get back from school. So now you're there when
Speaker 1: they get back from school and you want to spend
Speaker 1: time with them, but now you got to go to work.
Speaker 1: How long you think you can finish that rat race
Speaker 1: of being up all day before you lose your mind?
Speaker 3: Like right, and you have in facted in your husband
Speaker 3: and time with him, So you.
Speaker 4: Just want your husband.
Speaker 1: Y're going to be like two ships passing in the night.
Speaker 1: He's working in a day, you working at night, you
Speaker 1: dealing with the kids during the day. You're going to
Speaker 1: be exhausted. When are y'all going to have time to
Speaker 1: work on each other? Because this relationship is what created
Speaker 1: this lifestyle anyway, So if you don't continue to forster
Speaker 1: and build this relationship, everything can fall apart.
Speaker 2: Yeah, seven wonderful years, two beautiful kids. It's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: do you really like throw this wrench into the plan? To,
Speaker 2: you know, it is the positive going to be worth
Speaker 2: the potential negative.
Speaker 1: I will say this, though, you don't have to just
Speaker 1: go back to work to get a steady paycheck.
Speaker 4: There's so many different.
Speaker 1: Ways that you can earn money nowadays, especially consistent paychecks.
Speaker 3: You know, ever since unless you just want to get out,
Speaker 3: what do you think.
Speaker 1: Ever since the pandemic, we've learned that you don't have
Speaker 1: to go into the office. There's so many jobs creative
Speaker 1: for people to live at home. My input would be,
Speaker 1: how about you try to do something during the day
Speaker 1: while you're at home so that it makes some extra money,
Speaker 1: so that you can still be a present parent, a
Speaker 1: present wife, but make your own money. Cay and I
Speaker 1: curated our life that way. Neither one of us wanted
Speaker 1: to always be away from the kids or be away
Speaker 1: from each other, so we found other ways to earn
Speaker 1: income without being a detriment to our family. And I
Speaker 1: think that's the biggest thing. And I don't think it
Speaker 1: only falls on her. I think it can fall on
Speaker 1: both of them.
Speaker 2: You know, well, I'm wondering too, what's the bigger desire?
Speaker 2: Is the bigger desire to have the paycheck or to
Speaker 2: be out of the house because she's just being a
Speaker 2: stay at home mom if she's home all day and
Speaker 2: that's like her kind of quote unquote work quarters.
Speaker 3: Is it that she.
Speaker 2: Wants to be out, change of scene or reconverse with adults,
Speaker 2: like be somewhere other than home, or is it that
Speaker 2: you just like to have extra cash, because in that instance,
Speaker 2: what you said, babe would make sense. Try to figure
Speaker 2: out something that you could do at your leisure at
Speaker 2: home that can still give you the opportunity to be
Speaker 2: with the children, be with hubby, be at their disposal
Speaker 2: as they need. It won't exhaust you. Or is it
Speaker 2: that you're just craving interaction outside of your home from just.
Speaker 1: That's that's a valid point because based on what she says,
Speaker 1: her options can change, because if she wants a change environment,
Speaker 1: then she will want to work at home.
Speaker 4: So that' see what you're saying.
Speaker 1: She has to really dissect and figure out what exactly
Speaker 1: she's looking for so that she can kind of gain
Speaker 1: access to that. And here's the biggest thing, man, y'all
Speaker 1: have your whole lives to figure this out, Like, sit
Speaker 1: down collectively as a family, you and him and say, Babe,
Speaker 1: this is what I need, this is what you need,
Speaker 1: this is what the kids need. How can we find
Speaker 1: a way so that everybody gets what they need? Like, ultimately,
Speaker 1: that's the plan, right, The plan is not to be
Speaker 1: stuck doing something for your life that you don't want
Speaker 1: to do so, And.
Speaker 2: The plan is not for one to be at home
Speaker 2: suffering while the other is out, you know, thriving. Deval
Speaker 2: and I have taken it back sometimes to just good
Speaker 2: old fashioned pen and paper.
Speaker 4: Pros and cons and.
Speaker 2: Writing them down so you can actually see it, discuss
Speaker 2: it and see what makes the best sense, so that
Speaker 2: no one feels like they're sacrificing too much, you know,
Speaker 2: or giving too much, or one's benefiting more than the other,
Speaker 2: you know, in the circumstance like this.
Speaker 4: No, I agree.
Speaker 1: I think they if they sat down and write down
Speaker 1: the pros and cons, like we just said. You know,
Speaker 1: she says she would work overnight. These are the pros,
Speaker 1: here's the cons. Okay, if you work during the day,
Speaker 1: here's the pros, here's the cons. But I also don't
Speaker 1: think it's on her to figure it out by herself,
Speaker 1: like the two of them can collectively, you know, you
Speaker 1: can't just shut down somebody's idea. You know, if it
Speaker 1: were you, I would say, Okay, I wouldn't want that,
Speaker 1: but here's some options.
Speaker 3: Right, And that's what you've done.
Speaker 2: When I've come to you with like opportunities and things,
Speaker 2: sometimes you'd be like, hey, like, let's really think about it.
Speaker 2: You might be just in a hamster wheel of like, yeah, okay,
Speaker 2: we're making the money, but then we're spending it on childcare.
Speaker 3: So does it really make sense?
Speaker 2: You know. It's those things that come into account, you
Speaker 2: know for that. So good luck to theology figure things out.
Speaker 2: And again we're always going to preach communicate, keep the
Speaker 2: lines of communication open. Facts all right. Number three, heyja Valenkadeen.
Speaker 2: I'll keep it short and simple. I've been listening to
Speaker 2: the podcast from the start and have have been following
Speaker 2: you guys since Cairo was born. I like to I
Speaker 2: like to feel special, hoping that I'm one of the
Speaker 2: rare types of fans.
Speaker 3: I'm Mongolian.
Speaker 2: I lived in Taiwan for twelve years, basically all my
Speaker 2: adult life. I moved to Sydney six months ago. Okay,
Speaker 2: pimping all over the world, I love it. Adjusting to
Speaker 2: a new place is hard, especially this week, I was
Speaker 2: having such a tough time because I felt like Australia
Speaker 2: kept testing me. Anyways, I just listened to the episode
Speaker 2: The Practice Kid and it made me laugh so much
Speaker 2: and just brought some positivity and good energy to my week.
Speaker 2: And I just wanted to thank you for the great
Speaker 2: family that you are. There are so many times I
Speaker 2: wish I had you guys as a friend to go
Speaker 2: through life with. You have us as a friend at
Speaker 2: least podcast, but I take the best I could. Your
Speaker 2: book also helped me get a good perspective into relationships,
Speaker 2: and listening to your stories makes me introspect and think
Speaker 2: a lot about the things that really helped me go
Speaker 2: through life. Hope your tour expands to Australia soon.
Speaker 3: Oh that was us I appreciation paragraph.
Speaker 4: That's what.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for that. We appreciate the love.
Speaker 2: This is awesome. Mongolian lived in Taiwan, Sydney.
Speaker 4: Well.
Speaker 2: I hope that things start to look up for you
Speaker 2: in Australia if that's where you really want to be.
Speaker 2: I can't wait to make it to Australia one day. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I can't wait to get to that side of the
Speaker 2: wall the world.
Speaker 3: But thank you.
Speaker 2: No, we really feel like the podcast gives us an
Speaker 2: opportunity to talk to y'all like you are our friends,
Speaker 2: and to listen to letter episodes or just having them
Speaker 2: at the end of every episode is a way that
Speaker 2: we feel even more connected to you all and the
Speaker 2: things you have going on in your life. And again,
Speaker 2: you know, Deval and I, we're just here to give
Speaker 2: our two cents. You know, we give our advice and
Speaker 2: take it or leave it. But we're just happy that
Speaker 2: you guys are continuing to write in and love on us,
Speaker 2: So thank you for that.
Speaker 4: We appreciate you. Mama number four, greetings Ellis. I am
Speaker 4: Ayana Dyson. When she gave her home.
Speaker 1: Names, she wants to tell us, I am Mayana Dyson.
Speaker 1: Recently attended your DC show with my wife, Oh Dou.
Speaker 1: I didn't get a chance to ask a quest, but
Speaker 1: I wanted to ask, how do you navigate intimacy with
Speaker 1: having a parent living with you?
Speaker 4: About three months ago, my.
Speaker 1: Mother temporarily moved in, temporarily moved in with myself and
Speaker 1: my wife, and I feel like her presence is a
Speaker 1: disruption to our intimate time.
Speaker 3: I understand.
Speaker 1: I have the mindset like hey, she grown and in
Speaker 1: our house. I do not care whether she may or
Speaker 1: may not hear. However, my wife is feeling more uncomfortable
Speaker 1: about it. How do y'all navigate that since you have
Speaker 1: experience with a living parent in law? Also, I love
Speaker 1: how you all give advice when all types of relationships
Speaker 1: in DC. When the young man inquired about himself and
Speaker 1: his boyfriend, so many on these members began to speak
Speaker 1: extremely disrespectful and homophobic slurs at him.
Speaker 4: I don't know that was.
Speaker 1: Sorry, and additionally making derogatory comments about same sex couples.
Speaker 1: I know there was an announcement about it being a
Speaker 1: non judgmental space when the interational couple, when the interracial
Speaker 1: couple was on stage during dead A's court. However, I
Speaker 1: would kindly suggest a further comment and announcement in regard
Speaker 1: to all couples being welcomed. That way people will know
Speaker 1: y'all are welcoming and that we all have a space,
Speaker 1: a plus safe space as dead as listeners, fans and
Speaker 1: family members.
Speaker 3: That is so true.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I'm sorry that happened in DC, those murmurs and stuff.
Speaker 2: Of course we couldn't hear them from the stage, but
Speaker 2: so that we're clear, okay that as Podcasts is a place,
Speaker 2: a place that is inclusive of all types of people. Yes,
Speaker 2: all kinds of people, all kinds of relationships, all kinds
Speaker 2: of love. If we're going to continue to spread love
Speaker 2: and it's love against the world and love within our
Speaker 2: world as Dead Ass Podcasts, Yes, everyone, and I repeat,
Speaker 2: everyone has a place here with us.
Speaker 4: Absolutely.
Speaker 3: Now to your.
Speaker 2: Question, sis, so we know all about that, thankfully within
Speaker 2: our space here in our home. There's a good amount
Speaker 2: of space between Develo in our bedroom and my parents.
Speaker 4: But but it wasn't in La. It was a problem.
Speaker 3: And it was a problem because you.
Speaker 4: Didn't want the cheeks She didn't want to hear the cheeks.
Speaker 5: Go on slapping for me, Like at some points I
Speaker 5: was like, devow, you like, either you gotta hold it
Speaker 5: or I gotta hold it because I know that mom
Speaker 5: is right down the hallway.
Speaker 4: I wanted to hear that.
Speaker 3: Though I know it's the best part.
Speaker 2: You know, it's like the slapping, it's the mixing of
Speaker 2: the mac and cheese, Like y'all know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: The noise is the sound and then when you're being quiet.
Speaker 2: Exactly like answering the questions and the probes. So I
Speaker 2: will say that I can relate in that. Even just
Speaker 2: more recently, Deval and I have spoken about what you
Speaker 2: know twenty twenty four and on is going to look
Speaker 2: like for us, because although we do have our moments
Speaker 2: where we can you know, everyone goes to their rooms,
Speaker 2: sometimes I want to drop it and get it on
Speaker 2: in the family room, like when everybody goes to bed
Speaker 2: at night, or sometimes I just want a random spot
Speaker 2: where it's spontaneous and there's always being on the lookout
Speaker 2: for a potential.
Speaker 3: Parent walking out or a child walking out.
Speaker 2: And then I know, you having my mom and dad
Speaker 2: in the house, do you feel like it's different for
Speaker 2: you because it's your in laws and I'm their daughter.
Speaker 4: I don't care. Listen, listen, listen. I'm not gonna lie
Speaker 4: to y'all.
Speaker 1: Right, I be the one be wanting to have sex
Speaker 1: in the family room, and every time I try to
Speaker 1: do it, divide, let's go back, and this shit is
Speaker 1: fucking annoying.
Speaker 3: It is.
Speaker 1: So here's the issue, right, you have to realize that
Speaker 1: there are sacrifices that come with everything. I want my
Speaker 1: mother in law and my father in law to be
Speaker 1: here because they help me out tremendously.
Speaker 4: I want them here.
Speaker 1: So if that means that I got to just take
Speaker 1: my ass to the room sometime to get nasty and
Speaker 1: have sex, I'm just gonna do that. Like there's sacrifices
Speaker 1: that come with every single thing.
Speaker 4: And I know my wife.
Speaker 1: Doesn't feel comfortable because she doesn't want her father to
Speaker 1: come upstairs accidentally.
Speaker 3: And you know, my father is.
Speaker 4: All the walks like a ninja.
Speaker 2: Everybody knows that my dad not only is he quiet
Speaker 2: in a few words, he floats.
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, through the house.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 3: And you won't hear him and see him until he's
Speaker 3: on your neck.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 3: So just imagine like.
Speaker 2: Me thinking like I don't want to think about my
Speaker 2: father if I'm in the family room trying trying to.
Speaker 4: Get the cheek on your neck while you giveing neck.
Speaker 3: Baby, travesty, travesty.
Speaker 1: But the reason how I want to be honest with
Speaker 1: them about that is because I don't want them to
Speaker 1: think that everything is always pitcher perfect.
Speaker 3: Still, it's that for us to figure that you're.
Speaker 4: Still trying to figure that out.
Speaker 1: It's like, damn, like I really want to do it
Speaker 1: right here, but it's like I can't because you know,
Speaker 1: in all honestly, you don't want your parents to catch
Speaker 1: you in a compromising position. But I just make the sacrifice, like,
Speaker 1: you know what, let me walk these thirty paces in the.
Speaker 2: Back, right, and it's like you don't almost have to,
Speaker 2: like all damn, let's just go to the bedroom now,
Speaker 2: because then then then there becomes a monotony around it, right,
Speaker 2: And I was just like I don't want to just
Speaker 2: walk back to the bedroom and get in the bed
Speaker 2: and have sex either, Like that's boring.
Speaker 3: Nobody wants to do that.
Speaker 2: Ship Like sometimes I want to randomly do it like
Speaker 2: by the fireplace or some shit. And you know what
Speaker 2: I'm saying, like that definitely impedes the progress.
Speaker 1: But what you can do is like what we do
Speaker 1: five times when mom ay there, Yeah, and that's when
Speaker 1: you do all the.
Speaker 3: Things they out of town for a couple days.
Speaker 1: We know, like we and this is what one thing
Speaker 1: me and Kay gonna do if we know the kids
Speaker 1: gonna be going for a couple of days, or the
Speaker 1: parents gonna be gone, or we're gonna be out of
Speaker 1: time when no one's around, we going hand for those
Speaker 1: couple of days because we know when we get back home.
Speaker 1: We got to have the quiet sex. We make jokes
Speaker 1: about qui sex all the time. But the funny is,
Speaker 1: I know you don't like having quia sex, but you
Speaker 1: don't want to get caught. So when they gone, that's
Speaker 1: when it's like, y'all dress up time?
Speaker 4: Yeah, movie time?
Speaker 2: Like where would I want to wear around the house?
Speaker 2: You know, I remember when your dad was visiting for
Speaker 2: like three weeks. One time you were like, damn, you
Speaker 2: ain't wearing no shorts and ship around the house like
Speaker 2: where my shorts at? And I'm like, bro, it's not you.
Speaker 2: It's the fact that your father be here and he
Speaker 2: stays up late and he watches movies in the theater.
Speaker 2: We never know when he's coming for a snack. Like
Speaker 2: there's just too many components, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 4: My father don't float. My father gonna snack. So it's
Speaker 4: gonna be two in the morning and we're gonna be sit.
Speaker 3: We pop a scoop a load.
Speaker 4: Why what are you doing up, bro?
Speaker 3: And make a sandwich? Broke you got any more than
Speaker 3: roast beef?
Speaker 4: You want a sandwich?
Speaker 1: Make me want to That's my father's favorite line.
Speaker 2: So yeah, good luck on that girl and I don't
Speaker 2: know it's it's also your spouse's mom in the house,
Speaker 2: so she's probably no, you're I mean, well.
Speaker 3: It's her mom, so it's your in it's her in law,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: It's like she don't want to get caught in no
Speaker 2: compromise oppositions.
Speaker 3: I get it, But hey, mommy home a couple.
Speaker 1: Of days once in a while, send her to your
Speaker 1: brothers and eat on a vacation.
Speaker 2: It's like, you know, you know, Mom, you know we're
Speaker 2: going to send you out for like a little dinner
Speaker 2: by yourself, little spa day, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: and then you find ways to work around it.
Speaker 3: Hopefully it's just temporary for y'all.
Speaker 2: All Right, we're gonna take one more quick break and
Speaker 2: we're gonna move into the rest of our listener letters
Speaker 2: for this episode, so stick around.
Speaker 3: We will be right back.
Speaker 2: All right, Hey, Team Ellis, let me just say that
Speaker 2: I am a longtime listener, first time writer. I love
Speaker 2: your family. Thank you so much, and thanks for writing
Speaker 2: in for the first time.
Speaker 3: Hopefully will be the last. Let's see what we can
Speaker 3: help you with here.
Speaker 2: To start, my husband and I have been together over
Speaker 2: a decade and married almost eight years. We have three
Speaker 2: beautiful children. From the wedding day, our sex life has
Speaker 2: been so mediocre yikes. I've felt bamboozled since that day.
Speaker 2: And no, we did not wait to have sex and
Speaker 2: full transparency. We met in church and both volunteered in
Speaker 2: various ministries. We slept together about four times on and off,
Speaker 2: on and off over the three years we dated before marriage.
Speaker 2: It was decent for the most part, but I was
Speaker 2: also married before him, and that husband would.
Speaker 3: Turn me every way but loose. He just had community
Speaker 3: d damn.
Speaker 2: With my current husband, we probably sleep together once every
Speaker 2: six months, and it's once every six month, and it
Speaker 2: is terrible. I initiate every time, and it's frustrating too
Speaker 2: because he only believes in two positions, me on top
Speaker 2: and missionary. He won't do oral giving or receiving.
Speaker 4: He must maybe a very spiritual and he just thinks.
Speaker 2: It and he won't try sex therapy my husband. I
Speaker 2: love my husband with my entire heart, but I'm becoming
Speaker 2: resentful for being unsatisfied. I'll never cheat, but I'm scared
Speaker 2: that if the opportunity presents itself, that i won't be
Speaker 2: strong enough to withstand temptation because of how our sex
Speaker 2: life lacks. I love giving and receiving oral It's been
Speaker 2: so long since I felt satisfied in bed, and he
Speaker 2: feels like I'm not satisfied, satisfied because I desire something
Speaker 2: he won't do. Yeah, yeah, I remember being told growing
Speaker 2: up that you won't what you won't do for your
Speaker 2: man another woman will, Well, why don't men believe in
Speaker 2: that as well?
Speaker 3: My husband? My husband knows that.
Speaker 2: I won't cheat, which is why he doesn't feel the
Speaker 2: need to compromise. I don't know how much longer I
Speaker 2: can go pregaming with my rose help. Oh that is unfortunate.
Speaker 2: I cannot relate.
Speaker 1: I'm going to give for the same advice women be
Speaker 1: given men. You have to learn to control your urges.
Speaker 1: Young lady, you got married. Don't that sound like some bullshit?
Speaker 3: The other way around?
Speaker 2: As a woman, I will be honest and say, yeah, yes, bullshit.
Speaker 3: Bro, Yeah, that's crazy.
Speaker 1: You ask somebody to be your one and only and
Speaker 1: you just have hard lines on what you're not going
Speaker 1: to do, then that shouldn't be your person.
Speaker 4: That should be And.
Speaker 3: I'm wondering what is issue?
Speaker 2: Is?
Speaker 3: Is it that he's not that into her.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, is it that he's like
Speaker 2: they got married under the pretenses of what. Okay, they
Speaker 2: love each other, they're good people, yes, but sex is
Speaker 2: a huge component in any marriage.
Speaker 1: But we also can't we can't we can't escape the
Speaker 1: fact that they both grew up in the ministry, right, Okay,
Speaker 1: And we've heard before, remember we did Kep on stage
Speaker 1: and Melissa's podcasts that in the church and certain churches
Speaker 1: it's so frowned upon and shame that people don't experience
Speaker 1: sex or understand how to experience sex.
Speaker 3: That's possible.
Speaker 1: She also said that they had sex four times on
Speaker 1: and off in three years, right, which means they haven't
Speaker 1: like he.
Speaker 4: Creased sex since getting married.
Speaker 1: True, they just haven't partaken and he's continuing the same
Speaker 1: thing that it was when they were dating. She probably
Speaker 1: just assumed that once they got married he was going
Speaker 1: to open up m hm, and he hasn't. And he's
Speaker 1: created hardline saying I'm not doing this for whatever his
Speaker 1: reasons may be.
Speaker 4: What's to be honest, those are his reasons. But you
Speaker 4: can't deprive the one person that.
Speaker 1: You ask to be your wife. I just think that
Speaker 1: that's unfair. That's your wife, bro, you asked her to
Speaker 1: marry you.
Speaker 3: Mm hm.
Speaker 1: So when asking her to marry you, you have a
Speaker 1: responsibility as a husband to be what that woman requires,
Speaker 1: especially sexually, because you're asking her not to share any
Speaker 1: of those sexual exploits with anybody else. I don't care
Speaker 1: if it's a man or a woman. That's fucking selfish.
Speaker 4: Yeah it is.
Speaker 3: That's super selfish.
Speaker 2: And I'm actually happy that it's the other way around
Speaker 2: because it gives women now a perspective to say shit
Speaker 2: like this is the other way around.
Speaker 4: Sometimes no, it's the other way around a lot of times.
Speaker 1: You should see some of my dms from women who's
Speaker 1: just like what about women who have high sex drives?
Speaker 1: Like what are we supposed to do where my husband
Speaker 1: either won't help me get to my point after he
Speaker 1: climbaxes or whatever. And I will say to them too, like, yo,
Speaker 1: that's just not fair that that is just not fair. Now,
Speaker 1: this is the God's down, the truth. It may be
Speaker 1: too much information, but Kadeen and I have sex a lot.
Speaker 1: My main responsibility is to make sure that Kadeen has
Speaker 1: an orgasm because I know I'm gonna orgasm like it
Speaker 1: ends once I orgasm. There may be times where I'm
Speaker 1: just like, she's just like I'm not coming yet, and
Speaker 1: I when she.
Speaker 4: Said, baby, can you still take care of me? I'm
Speaker 4: gonna take care of for us?
Speaker 1: Like you know what it is if I know that
Speaker 1: you didn't reach there yet and I reached there yet,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, come in, let me just you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, you have a responsibility as a partner.
Speaker 1: I don't care if it's a man or a woman.
Speaker 1: Bro Like, you have a responsibility. You can't just let
Speaker 1: your partner walk around feeling like they not cared for
Speaker 1: while saying.
Speaker 2: To them you only gotta be with me, and her
Speaker 2: saying that she feels like he knows that she won't cheat,
Speaker 2: and that science it feels like he doesn't have to
Speaker 2: compromise selfish. That's super selfish. And then also to the
Speaker 2: argument can be made, this is her second marriage. So
Speaker 2: that's why people say should you wait till marriage because
Speaker 2: you don't know what else.
Speaker 3: Is out there?
Speaker 2: Either way, I mean, I don't think that's necessarily even
Speaker 2: a valid argument. I'm just putting it out there because
Speaker 2: it's like, you know, knowing people who are like very
Speaker 2: heavy in church and they have certain like lines that
Speaker 2: they're not going to cross before marriage.
Speaker 3: The fact that she has been.
Speaker 1: Maybe if we had a listener letter where a couple
Speaker 1: waited and she said she wasn't fast satisfied after waiting.
Speaker 4: What do I do now?
Speaker 1: Just waiting doesn't mean that you're always going to be
Speaker 1: satisfied with what you receive your marriage is very true.
Speaker 1: Said that they waited until marriage, they didn't have sex,
Speaker 1: and when they started to have sex, she was just like,
Speaker 1: I don't know what sex is, but whatever I'm getting.
Speaker 3: Is not it.
Speaker 4: It's not it.
Speaker 3: It's not it.
Speaker 1: And she was like, am I wrong for And to
Speaker 1: be honest, it doesn't matter if you wait or if
Speaker 1: you don't. Some people just aren't compatible sexually. And sex
Speaker 1: is a huge That is true.
Speaker 2: I know, I know somebody who you know, was attracted
Speaker 2: to this person, liked the person, person's a good person.
Speaker 3: All that good stuff.
Speaker 2: Everything was lining up, but off the bat, the sex
Speaker 2: just was not. And she said, I don't know if
Speaker 2: it's that we just don't have the right rhythm. I
Speaker 2: don't know if it's that we're still learning each other.
Speaker 3: Like what it is.
Speaker 2: But she just felt like, for whatever reason, we just
Speaker 2: weren't compatible sexually.
Speaker 1: For me, personally, sex is way more than just a
Speaker 1: visionary act where you see someone you like or a
Speaker 1: physical act where they do something I like it.
Speaker 4: We both like, there's so much more that goes into
Speaker 4: having sex.
Speaker 1: Yes, and when two people aren't tied together in a
Speaker 1: way where it's explosive for both, it doesn't matter what
Speaker 1: you do, how often you do it.
Speaker 4: Sometimes it's just not good. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 4: sometimes it's just not good sex.
Speaker 2: That is true, Like I I something might be missing, right,
Speaker 2: there might be a missing puzzle piece there.
Speaker 1: And to be be honest, that part should not be
Speaker 1: secondary because when that resentment grows, whether it's a man
Speaker 1: or a woman, if the one thing you have that
Speaker 1: you won't breaking your vows is to cheat, how could
Speaker 1: you ask someone to spend the rest of their life
Speaker 1: not being satisfied doing the one thing that you don't
Speaker 1: want me to do with nobody else.
Speaker 3: That's super selfish and considerate.
Speaker 2: And they've been together almost a decade, married eight years,
Speaker 2: three children, Like WHOA, it's a long time to be unhappy.
Speaker 4: It's a long time. That's a long time, like I girl.
Speaker 1: To me, personally, I'm not big on divorces, but I
Speaker 1: do believe that you have a right and a responsibility
Speaker 1: to say, hey, this is not working for me.
Speaker 4: Can we find a way? And if that person is
Speaker 4: just no, it's my.
Speaker 1: Way of the eye worn, hard nose don't work in relationships.
Speaker 2: I feel like this is something that can be super
Speaker 2: easily corrected. And then you know what, if they have
Speaker 2: the conversation, he might say, you know what, I've had
Speaker 2: these obstacles because I've dealt with this in the past,
Speaker 2: and this is the reason why. Maybe it requires therapy,
Speaker 2: maybe it requires him talking about she said.
Speaker 3: If there's a reason why she said it, she.
Speaker 1: Said, I asked him to try sex therapy and he won't.
Speaker 1: To me, this is a person who is not willing
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: If you're not willing to listen to anything she's offering,
Speaker 1: you're not willing to go to a third party, you're
Speaker 1: not willing to try anything.
Speaker 4: Why be in a relationship?
Speaker 1: Right? Relationships are all about giving to business, never going
Speaker 1: to be just your way.
Speaker 2: And for those to say that sex is not everything,
Speaker 2: it's a lot. It has a lot to do with it.
Speaker 3: Yes, it really does.
Speaker 2: Like, don't let nobody lie to you and say, oh,
Speaker 2: it's not just about sex. No, sex is huge, a
Speaker 2: huge component.
Speaker 4: In marriage yourselves. If y'all want to say what.
Speaker 2: It is women, women, I'll tell y'all whatever the dynamic is,
Speaker 2: it's huge.
Speaker 4: This is what I always say.
Speaker 1: If sex should never be that much of a priority,
Speaker 1: why is it a priority if they want to have
Speaker 1: sex with someone else?
Speaker 3: That's the biggest question.
Speaker 4: How much of a priority sex is?
Speaker 1: It matters to you so much that you don't want
Speaker 1: your partner to be with someone else, You have to
Speaker 1: take that into consideration when it's time to have sex,
Speaker 1: and not only when you want to have sex.
Speaker 4: You can't tell somebody sex is so important that you
Speaker 4: only could be with me.
Speaker 1: But then when they say, well, I'm ready to have sex, Well,
Speaker 1: why sex got to be so important all the time?
Speaker 4: That makes no sense.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that put a lot of things in perspective when
Speaker 2: we were having a lot of our issues that we
Speaker 2: were navigating early on in our marriage. So good luck
Speaker 2: to you, says, I hope that you'll find a way
Speaker 2: to get through to him.
Speaker 3: Can I also say this, Yeah, go for it.
Speaker 1: You can find resolutions because Kadeen and I had so
Speaker 1: many conversations about sex and sex was such a hot
Speaker 1: button topic for us since we met at eighteen and
Speaker 1: went through things being the way they were in our twenties.
Speaker 1: But we came to I don't even want to say
Speaker 1: a resolution. We came to.
Speaker 4: A place that fits both of our needs.
Speaker 1: Like, we came to a point I can honestly say,
Speaker 1: I don't walk around feeling like I'm taking for granted anymore.
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying. I don't walk.
Speaker 1: Around feeling like, oh, she only wants me to do
Speaker 1: things on her terms. It took a lot of talking,
Speaker 1: and I think that's what people need to hear. We
Speaker 1: were together twenty something years, and when for fifteen of
Speaker 1: those twenty something years we were trying to figure it out.
Speaker 1: So when people here, we've been doing this for a
Speaker 1: year and a half and it's not changing, that's not
Speaker 1: a long time. Because now we're forty and we still
Speaker 1: have another what forty years to experience the.
Speaker 4: Type of bliss we want in our press life. You're
Speaker 4: sixty years You know what I'm saying. If it's still
Speaker 4: working when I'm on honey, baby, better watch out.
Speaker 3: Now, baby.
Speaker 2: But you know what at the root of it was
Speaker 2: and why I think we've overcome so many of those
Speaker 2: sex issues and obstacles, is that for me at least,
Speaker 2: it finally hit me that I'm just like my husband
Speaker 2: does everything for me in his life and in this
Speaker 2: life that we've created, that.
Speaker 3: He deserves.
Speaker 2: Everything sexually, emotionally, he deserves everything. So for me to
Speaker 2: make you happy that it's like I want. It became
Speaker 2: my want and not a responsibility, because responsibily almost makes it.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 2: And for me it was just like, I just have
Speaker 2: this burning desire to reciprocate that and make him happy.
Speaker 2: I want to see you smile. I want to make
Speaker 2: sure that you feel good. I want you to be
Speaker 2: skipping around here. I don't want you to have to
Speaker 2: deal with the fact that you haven't had sex the
Speaker 2: way you want to have sex in two, three, four
Speaker 2: or five days or whatever it is, and then that
Speaker 2: way you're heavy.
Speaker 3: I don't want that.
Speaker 2: You've alleviated so much stress off of my life that
Speaker 2: I need to see my man happy, and if it
Speaker 2: means he's going to have sex, and.
Speaker 3: I throw it in the circle however he needs it.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up, because that's a different
Speaker 1: take on why you've changed. It's like you change because
Speaker 1: you feel like I deserve it, but also it was
Speaker 1: your want to want to change, right because I always
Speaker 1: felt like I do the things I do for you
Speaker 1: because I want to see you happy. When you have
Speaker 1: two people who wake up yearning to want to see
Speaker 1: their partner happy, that's how you get to this place,
Speaker 1: because then you're no longer saying I'm doing this sexual
Speaker 1: act for for them.
Speaker 4: No, I'm doing this sexual.
Speaker 1: Act because it brings me treasure to see you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. That's when you find that groove.
Speaker 3: That's the takeaway, you know what I'm saying. That's the takeaway.
Speaker 3: That's the takeaway.
Speaker 2: So he needs to out make sure that he's aware
Speaker 2: that you're not happy, and he needs to find the
Speaker 2: desire to make you happy.
Speaker 1: Question, how could you feel comfortable in a marriage knowing
Speaker 1: that you don't desire to make your partner feel happy? Like,
Speaker 1: think about that, Like I'm in this marriage saying, hey, harding,
Speaker 1: and I don't you know what I'm saying, it's a
Speaker 1: hard no.
Speaker 4: But whatever you need or desire. I'm not. It's a
Speaker 4: hard no.
Speaker 1: The fact that and you don't. I don't care, I
Speaker 1: don't care how you feel. That has to make you.
Speaker 4: Feel like, damn, am I really in this rage for
Speaker 4: the right reason? You know?
Speaker 3: And like it makes your spouse feel like, damn, am
Speaker 3: I not worth the you know whatever it is? The effort,
Speaker 3: the effort. Yeah, and that's only something that's making you.
Speaker 4: That won't make you feel uncomfortable, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Like, there's certain things that's just like my partner wants
Speaker 1: me to let let her punch your in the ribs
Speaker 1: when I'm having sex.
Speaker 4: That don't I don't feel good to me, you know
Speaker 4: what I'm saying. There's there's also limitation.
Speaker 1: You can't just be like, you know, I want to
Speaker 1: have a wild orgy with forty women. If you love me,
Speaker 1: you would do it with me, Like, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying.
Speaker 3: That's not get ahead of ourselves.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, I'm talking about two people being there for
Speaker 1: each other. That's not a detriment or not abusive, Yes,
Speaker 1: definitely not abusive. Yes, all right, let's get to our
Speaker 1: last listener letter. Yay, I just want to take the
Speaker 1: time to thank you both. My husband and I have
Speaker 1: read your book and truly enjoy it and it has
Speaker 1: helped so much.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much. We appreciate you.
Speaker 1: My husband is currently incarcerated in Missouri and has been
Speaker 1: since he was sixteen years old. Due to a law changing,
Speaker 1: he's eligible to see the board this year, and we
Speaker 1: really wanted to communicate better and better understand each other
Speaker 1: since he will and God's will be coming home soon.
Speaker 1: Your book has inspired him so much he has passed
Speaker 1: it around to other couples in the prison to read
Speaker 1: with their wives.
Speaker 4: That's what say.
Speaker 2: That is so deep.
Speaker 1: I just want you to know how much you have
Speaker 1: helped us. We are both only thirty and have so
Speaker 1: much to learn.
Speaker 4: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Dang that made me feel so good is my husband
Speaker 1: loves to watch The Vale on TV. It makes him
Speaker 1: know that he is a real person. Remember we were
Speaker 1: learned before that we have a big prison population who
Speaker 1: watches System and they love Zach. Because Zach was dealing
Speaker 1: with recidivism and I was able to turn his life around.
Speaker 2: I think I might've even meeting Oh my god, you've
Speaker 2: met a young man who might have said that he
Speaker 2: was incarcerated that you got.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's when we met a young lady whose husband
Speaker 1: was incarcerated in front of the King's Plaza. Yeah, she
Speaker 1: was like, my husband watches Sisters because they love to
Speaker 1: watch Zach's story because he's winning after being down.
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yes, yes, that's what's up.
Speaker 5: Man.
Speaker 2: Wow, I'm happy to hear that the book has been
Speaker 2: such a tremendous.
Speaker 3: Help to so many people.
Speaker 2: And if it's helping, you know, men and women who
Speaker 2: are incarcerated who are looking to turn their lives around
Speaker 2: and get out and you know, be the best versions
Speaker 2: of themselves for themselves and also for their partner.
Speaker 3: Like I love, I love to hear.
Speaker 4: That, and that just made me smile.
Speaker 2: So yeah, you say, and you put so what I
Speaker 2: admired about you, Babies, that you put so much though
Speaker 2: you've never been incarcerated, You've put so much thoughts into
Speaker 2: who Zach is as a character. You know that it
Speaker 2: has become so relatable for so many people. You know,
Speaker 2: like shout out to you and Tyler of him giving
Speaker 2: you the latitude to be able to create absolutely this
Speaker 2: character and really like dive into it. Like you've talked
Speaker 2: about recidivism a lot. You've looked into it, You've researched it. Like,
Speaker 2: I want you guys to know that Deval hasn't taken
Speaker 2: this role lightly either, because you know, it is a
Speaker 2: representation of what some people are dealing with.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know a lot of a lot of black
Speaker 4: men in this country. Yea, with recidivism.
Speaker 2: Yea.
Speaker 1: We don't talk about it, but incarceration in America is
Speaker 1: the highest amongst the world, and black men are incarcerated
Speaker 1: and an alarming rates seven times higher than their white counterparts.
Speaker 1: So it's important for us to share these stories but
Speaker 1: also show the redemption of these stories and show that
Speaker 1: these you know, these young men going through these are
Speaker 1: not perfect, but they do have traumas they're dealing with
Speaker 1: and while trying to deal with they have to deal
Speaker 1: with the real world. So for me, that's what Zach is,
Speaker 1: That's who Zach is, you know, so great. Appreciate y'all, man.
Speaker 3: That's a great note to end on.
Speaker 4: That's a good note to end on.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I appreciate you'all, mister and missus Green. I hope
Speaker 1: y'all are listening. Man, We love and appreciate you'all words,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna keep grinding Manna, keep doing what we're doing, keep.
Speaker 4: Making y'all proud.
Speaker 2: Absolutely all right, y'all, I hope that after listening to
Speaker 2: this episode, if you were thinking about writing into listener letters,
Speaker 2: that this has encouraged you again. A safe space for
Speaker 2: everyone who listens. We have love for all of you.
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter what you look like, who you with.
Speaker 2: You know the deval getting to gon rock with y'all.
Speaker 2: So please, if you want to be featured as one
Speaker 2: of our listener letters, be sure to email us at
Speaker 2: Deadass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: All right, Moment of Truth time. It's our listening letter episodes.
Speaker 2: One of our most favorite every season. Yes, what you
Speaker 2: got to say to the people baby, very simple.
Speaker 1: Most problems can be solved with the conversation as long
Speaker 1: as both people are coming to the conversation with the
Speaker 1: willingness to understand and not just respond or judge.
Speaker 2: All right, and my moment of truth is I think
Speaker 2: the same every listener letter every season. You guys take
Speaker 2: the time to write in, to give us your notes
Speaker 2: and ask the questions, and to also give us our flower.
Speaker 2: So I like to take this opportunity every season to
Speaker 2: give you all your flowers and to thank you for
Speaker 2: your continued love and your continued support, and your continued
Speaker 2: listens and you're continued sharing to people who you think
Speaker 2: may benefit from our podcast or just from our life,
Speaker 2: our vlogs, our Patreon episodes. We really genuinely love and
Speaker 2: appreciate each and every one of you, and dead Ass Podcast,
Speaker 2: whether it's a live show, whether it's the podcast recorded audio,
Speaker 2: is always going to be a safe space for all
Speaker 2: of our listeners and all of our supporters because we
Speaker 2: all family baby at this point, and I hope you
Speaker 2: know that we love you so much. All right, y'all,
Speaker 2: and be sure too find us on Patreon if you
Speaker 2: had not yet, shout out to all of our Patreon
Speaker 2: gang who were in their.
Speaker 3: Yellows this tour. Yeah, I loved to see.
Speaker 2: That was a great way to identify you all and
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Speaker 2: exclusive dead Ass Podcast video content there as well as
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Speaker 3: I'm Kadeen, I am.
Speaker 1: And I am devout and if you're listening on Apple podcasts.
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