Speaker 1: School of Humans. Oh, the Puritans. I think the last
Speaker 1: time I talked about them was in the first episode
Speaker 1: when we had the New Haven Colony where they're all
Speaker 1: those dudes who were or were not being seduced by
Speaker 1: their hogs. And I just want to say, I want
Speaker 1: to reiterate on the record, bestiality, buggering. I don't think
Speaker 1: it's great. If I was in charge of the colony,
Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't hang someone for doing it, but I
Speaker 1: would be extremely disappointed in them, you know, maybe give
Speaker 1: them a few lashes. I don't know. I also don't
Speaker 1: really want to do violence. Wow, I'm such a good person.
Speaker 1: But the Puritans were back at them today, specific the
Speaker 1: ones who came over in sixteen twenty to form the
Speaker 1: Massachusetts Bay Colony. And something that is ironic about the
Speaker 1: Puritans is that, you know, they were pure, et cetera,
Speaker 1: but they also stank. Yeah, when they came over, several
Speaker 1: Indigenous people were recorded saying how stinky the pilgrims were
Speaker 1: and they had to hold their noses. And it's true
Speaker 1: the Puritans they didn't really bathe. They also hated water,
Speaker 1: and you know what another thing they hated was Christmas
Speaker 1: And in sixteen fifty nine, when they just couldn't bear
Speaker 1: witness to any more happiness. The Puritans were like, oh,
Speaker 1: we hate Christmas because it doesn't make sense with the Bible,
Speaker 1: so you can't celebrate it any of you. No more Christmas.
Speaker 1: And so over twenty two years, from sixteen fifty nine
Speaker 1: to sixteen eighty one, no one and the Massachusetts Bay
Speaker 1: Colony was allowed to celebrate Christmas. If they did, they'd
Speaker 1: be hit with a five shilling fine. Uh, the stakes
Speaker 1: are high. So today's episode, we're talking about stinky people
Speaker 1: who deemed Christmas a filthy holiday. Wow, look at me
Speaker 1: connecting it to the title of the show. Ha ha ha.
Speaker 1: Cue the theme music. This is American Filth. I'm your host,
Speaker 1: Gabby Watts. Each week I tell you a filthy story
Speaker 1: from American history. This week's episode canceled Christmas. Okay, so
Speaker 1: a lot of this episode we're actually not even gonna
Speaker 1: be in America. But you guys calmed down. It eventually connects. Okay,
Speaker 1: So to really get why the Puritans banded Christmas, we
Speaker 1: got to travel back in time to a Christian historian
Speaker 1: named Sextus Julius Africanus, who live sometime between one's sixty
Speaker 1: and two forty AD. It's like, bro, why are you
Speaker 1: being a historian? We haven't even finished the history yet. Anyway,
Speaker 1: Sextus was the first person to connect Jesus' birth with
Speaker 1: December twenty fifth. Here was his logic. He was like, hmm,
Speaker 1: March twenty fifth, that's the date of the spring equinox.
Speaker 1: And yes, that's not the day anymore apparently planets and shit,
Speaker 1: but this isn't a science podcast. I don't know. But
Speaker 1: the spring equinox, that's the longest day of the year,
Speaker 1: and that also marks the first high spring time and
Speaker 1: that's kind of like fertility, the date of creation. That
Speaker 1: could be the date of Jesus's conception. So basically, that's
Speaker 1: the day that Joseph and Mary did not have sex,
Speaker 1: so then the Son of God he would come out
Speaker 1: about nine months later, which would be December twenty fifth.
Speaker 1: Early Christians were influenced by the writing of Sexist because
Speaker 1: I mean, why not, I mean, his name is sexist Africanus. Basically,
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say is his name sounds like
Speaker 1: sex Anus. Sorry. But also, the Christians were looking for
Speaker 1: a holiday because they wanted to compete with the Roman
Speaker 1: tradition of Saturnalia that was being celebrated all around them,
Speaker 1: and that holiday one week before December twenty fifth, non
Speaker 1: Christian Romans would decorate their homes with pine branches and
Speaker 1: other natural materials, close businesses, schools, and courts, and go
Speaker 1: caroling for money, all in honor of the farming god Saturn.
Speaker 1: They traded in their togas for colorful garments and even
Speaker 1: gave their slaves time off to participate in the festivities. Wow,
Speaker 1: so nice of them. Sometimes slaves would say the head
Speaker 1: of the table while the masters served them for a change,
Speaker 1: and together they would all get wasted. Some sources say
Speaker 1: that the slaves even taught the nobles to stick their
Speaker 1: fingers down their throats and throw up so that they
Speaker 1: could what make room for more booze. This week long
Speaker 1: ritualistic celebration also involved animal sacrifice, which pleased the gods
Speaker 1: and provided meat for the coming winter season, and may
Speaker 1: have even included human sacrifice in the lean years yum
Speaker 1: yum cousin meat. Tradition also called for gift giving. Candles
Speaker 1: were a common gift, signifying the returning light to the earth.
Speaker 1: Other gifts included cage birds, and dolls. Some of these
Speaker 1: dolls were clay figure called signalaria, which was a callback
Speaker 1: to the early tradition that did in fact involve human sacrifice.
Speaker 1: So even though you're not doing human sacrifice, at least
Speaker 1: celebrate that you did at some point good job had
Speaker 1: on the back. In one holiday game, families would hide
Speaker 1: coins and cakes, and whoever found the coin was deemed
Speaker 1: the prince or princess and the lord of misrule. It
Speaker 1: became their responsibility to create mischief during the season, insulting guests,
Speaker 1: wearing outrageous clothing, chasing women, and saturnalia. Cumulated in the
Speaker 1: winter solstice on the Julian calendar December twenty fifth, and
Speaker 1: the early Christians were jealous. They're like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: these guys are having so much fun. So they decided
Speaker 1: to celebrate too. But they would not honor the existence
Speaker 1: of multiple gods. Oh no, that would be scandalous. No,
Speaker 1: they would revel in the joy brought about by the
Speaker 1: birth of Jesus. The first known Nativity celebration was held
Speaker 1: at the Church of Rome in three point thirty six
Speaker 1: a d. Nine years later, Pope Julius I named December
Speaker 1: twenty fifth as the official birth date, which coincided nicely
Speaker 1: with the longest darkest night of the year and the
Speaker 1: final day of Saturnalia. Other early members of the Church claimed,
Speaker 1: of course, Christ chose to be born that day because
Speaker 1: of the symbolism of light increasing after that you're in
Speaker 1: the darkest day and he brings the light. Deb As
Speaker 1: Christianity developed, they decided they would allow the solstice rituals
Speaker 1: to continue so long as they too were in celebration
Speaker 1: of the birth of good Old Jesus Christ. So for
Speaker 1: over a thousand years after that, Christmas was celebrated with
Speaker 1: the Nativity and just happened to include some leftover pagan rituals.
Speaker 1: During this thousand years, the Catholic Church increased their zeen
Speaker 1: for imposing their will upon everyone in Western Europe, with
Speaker 1: religious law and courts and local priests participating in what
Speaker 1: was essentially a bureaucracy of religious officials enforcing Catholic domination,
Speaker 1: the ideals of which reinforce social inequality. Basically, they'd be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: the monarchs, the noblemen, they're closer to God than everyone else, duh.
Speaker 1: And if they're close to God, that means they know
Speaker 1: how everything works and there's no room for thinking outside
Speaker 1: of the box. They're basically like, yeah, the earth is
Speaker 1: flat and everything happens because God willed it, and anyone
Speaker 1: who doesn't agree can shut up and go to help,
Speaker 1: and you know, blah blah blah. Crusades murdered death, la
Speaker 1: la la la la. But eventually people were like, I
Speaker 1: kind of don't like you guys telling us what we
Speaker 1: have to do. And by the sixteenth century, European Christianity
Speaker 1: had split in two, and then eventually there was like
Speaker 1: a gazillion competing subgroups of Christianity. That's when Martin Luther
Speaker 1: showed up. He was basically among the first people to
Speaker 1: outwardly be like, hold up, this doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1: You clergymen are mean and violent, and you expect us
Speaker 1: to believe that God talks to you. I can read,
Speaker 1: and you're not telling the truth about what the Bible says.
Speaker 1: That's the thing. A lot of people didn't read, so
Speaker 1: they would just simply follow the church's orders blindly. But
Speaker 1: Luther was like, you guys are just like people, sinners,
Speaker 1: just like the rest of us. This questioning of the
Speaker 1: system grew into a full on rejection of the papal system,
Speaker 1: and that's the beginning of the Protestant Reformation. Martin Luther
Speaker 1: was like, yo, if we learned to read, we can
Speaker 1: interpret the Bible for ourselves, then we won't have to
Speaker 1: listen to these assholes anymore. And yes, this is a
Speaker 1: great oversimplification of what happened, but you know what, we
Speaker 1: got to get back to America at some point. We're
Speaker 1: not there yet, but we're get in there. Eventually, the
Speaker 1: Protestants in the UK formed the Church of England, a
Speaker 1: church with Protestant ideals, but one that was also deeply corrupt,
Speaker 1: and even that was still a bit too Catholic. Ye
Speaker 1: for some Protestant folks who eventually became the Puritans. And
Speaker 1: the Puritans, to simplify their belief system is they were
Speaker 1: obsessed with being pure and they were opposed to anything
Speaker 1: that was fun. They didn't want to do anything that
Speaker 1: wasn't literally prescribed by the Bible. They believed that everything
Speaker 1: happened because of divine providence, and the more they suffered,
Speaker 1: the more rewarded they would be in the afterlife, which
Speaker 1: is why a lot of them pieced out to the
Speaker 1: New World to do their own thing. Because even the
Speaker 1: Church of England was like, y'all need to chill out,
Speaker 1: you need to relax, drink a little, which is really
Speaker 1: saying a lot. And the king at the time was
Speaker 1: Charles I, who was trying to dissolve parliament and have
Speaker 1: ultimate power. He was like, I believe in the divine
Speaker 1: of kings. I will not listen to Parliament, so they
Speaker 1: should go away. But a high ranking military official and
Speaker 1: politician named Oliver Cromwell showed up and challenged him, causing
Speaker 1: a war. Cromwell was a Protestant and a rebel. He
Speaker 1: studied at a Peerdan school in Cambridge. It was dedicated
Speaker 1: to his version of a purified life. He led his
Speaker 1: fellow Protestants in a fight for a more balanced government
Speaker 1: in one and as his first order of business, he
Speaker 1: beheaded King Charles for treason. But then two separate versions
Speaker 1: of Parliament arose in succession and Cromwell tried to lead them,
Speaker 1: but it didn't really work. Plus there was a ton
Speaker 1: of conflict over Ireland and Scotland, so he was like,
Speaker 1: I will create a protectorate and I am now the
Speaker 1: Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, basically a king.
Speaker 1: But whatever Cromwell I suppose he was sowing some seeds
Speaker 1: to early democracy, at least trying to challenge the abuse
Speaker 1: of And that's where the Puritans come back in the
Speaker 1: ones in Massachusetts Bay. I told you we were going
Speaker 1: to get back to the point of the whole podcast.
Speaker 1: The Puritans in Massachusetts Bay were taking their cues from Cromwell,
Speaker 1: since he, like them, was a Puritan and he had
Speaker 1: fought for them against the monarchy as Lord Protector. Cromwell
Speaker 1: had imposed his own ban on Christmas starting in sixteen
Speaker 1: forty four, and the Puritans in Massachusetts Bay wanted to
Speaker 1: follow suit, but they were busy trying to stay alive
Speaker 1: in the New World. As they established themselves, though, they
Speaker 1: wanted to do things their own way, and in the
Speaker 1: words of the governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, John Whitthrop,
Speaker 1: they wanted to be a city on a hill, a
Speaker 1: model of proper society and lifestyle for all other nations
Speaker 1: and people. And they could only do that by putting
Speaker 1: the needs of the community first over the needs of
Speaker 1: the individual. And all those principles came from the Good Book,
Speaker 1: and I'm being honest, it's not really that good of
Speaker 1: a book. Like I definitely, it could use some edits.
Speaker 1: It's too long, it drags anyway. So basically the only
Speaker 1: people who could vote or hold office in Massachusetts Bay
Speaker 1: were church members, and so the power stayed in the
Speaker 1: hands of the Puritan church elite. These clergymen claim that
Speaker 1: there wasn't even evidence of an actual day to mark
Speaker 1: the birth of Jesus. It was not in the Bible,
Speaker 1: and therefore on December twenty fifth there was no reason
Speaker 1: to celebrate. They argued instead that December twenty fifth, and
Speaker 1: the words of Oliver Cromwell, should be a day of
Speaker 1: fasting and humiliation, where men should turn inward, reflect on
Speaker 1: and feel the shame of their sins. Just be like,
Speaker 1: ooh father, I'm so bad, I'm saw wee. And the
Speaker 1: Pagan or early Roman roots of the widely practiced Christmas
Speaker 1: rituals did not help its case. It was associated with
Speaker 1: sein after all, you know, it's not family friendly. It
Speaker 1: encouraged drinking all day long, also overeating. Gluttony ugh so bad.
Speaker 1: Usually on Christmas, raucus parties would leave people blackout, drunk
Speaker 1: and stumbling home in the dark. It was a time
Speaker 1: for vagabonds. Just these groups of men that would wander
Speaker 1: the streets and knock on doors, demanding handouts of money
Speaker 1: and food like figgy pudding. Do you guys know that
Speaker 1: song about figgie pudding? I always thought it was really
Speaker 1: weird because it basically goes, so bring us some figgy pudding. Yes,
Speaker 1: bring some right here. We won't go until we get some.
Speaker 1: We won't go until we get some. We won't go
Speaker 1: until we get some, So bring some right here. But
Speaker 1: that was like that song. That's not exaggeration. These vagabonds,
Speaker 1: these dudes, they would wait at doors demanding food and
Speaker 1: burst in rating rich people's houses if they were turned away.
Speaker 1: Figgie pudding? Is that good? Another tradition of the Christmas
Speaker 1: season that the Puritans found especially scandalous was called mummy.
Speaker 1: Men would dress like women and vice versa, and visit
Speaker 1: neighbors houses. Honestly, back in this time before the band,
Speaker 1: Christmas sounded even more fun. A Bishop Hugh Lattimore wrote
Speaker 1: about Christmas men dishonor Christ's more in the twelve days
Speaker 1: of Christmas than in all twelve months. Besides, so in
Speaker 1: the Massachusetts Bay Colony they banned the holiday altogether in
Speaker 1: sixteen fifty nine. We'll be right back after these doothing advertisements.
Speaker 1: So the Massachusetts Bay Colony has banned Christmas. But the
Speaker 1: thing is around the same time. Just the year before
Speaker 1: Cromwell died, his son took over as Lord Protector and
Speaker 1: was like this is hard and resigned. And guess who
Speaker 1: became the new leader, Charles the Second the air to
Speaker 1: Charles the First, who had just been executed. Parliament resumed.
Speaker 1: We're back to kings and queens. Also, Christmas is back,
Speaker 1: so that's right. The Christmas ban in England was overturned
Speaker 1: just as the Massachusetts Puritans were imposing theirs. They kind
Speaker 1: of got on the train too late, but they dug
Speaker 1: their heels in. They're like, this is how devoted we
Speaker 1: are to taking the Bible seriously. See God, we're suffering
Speaker 1: for you. Ooh, hurt me. Dandy signs were posted all
Speaker 1: over the colony that read all caps, public notice, the
Speaker 1: observation of Christmas having been deemed a sacrilege. The exchange
Speaker 1: of gifts and greetings, dressing and fine clothing, feasting, and
Speaker 1: similar satanical practices are hereby forbidden. That's right, guys. When
Speaker 1: you wear fine clothing, you're supporting Satan. And the thing
Speaker 1: is despite the ban being lifted by Mother England, the
Speaker 1: Puritans kept it in place for twenty two years. And
Speaker 1: I guess the nice ironic thing is that a lot
Speaker 1: of the Peertons came to America to escape religious persecution,
Speaker 1: but then when they got to America, they just did
Speaker 1: it to everyone else. Can you believe it? A bit hypocritical?
Speaker 1: Some would say that is the foundation of the United
Speaker 1: States of America, some would say not me. I have
Speaker 1: no opinions about anything, as you can tell in this episode.
Speaker 1: But the thing is, even though they had that band
Speaker 1: for twenty two years, there wasn't a ton that, you know,
Speaker 1: the Peerton leaders could do to prevent people from dressing
Speaker 1: up and dining together. So a lot of people just
Speaker 1: celebrated anyway, but behind closed doors. And sometimes people would
Speaker 1: still get a little bit too drunk on December twenty fifth,
Speaker 1: and they would have to pay that whopping fine of
Speaker 1: five shillings. But then eventually, because again this was still
Speaker 1: an English call, the Puritans who were in charge of
Speaker 1: Massachusetts Bay, got a lot of pressure from the British
Speaker 1: government to lift the ban, so they did in sixteen
Speaker 1: eighty one. And then once we get into the seventeen hundreds.
Speaker 1: Before the Revolutionary War, it seemed that most of colonial
Speaker 1: society accepted Christmas as a sacred holiday. And then once
Speaker 1: the US won independence, there's a lot of bantering about
Speaker 1: how to deal with all the Christmas stuff. But don't forget,
Speaker 1: there was this thing called capitalism, and shop owners saw
Speaker 1: the opportunities that the holiday brought. So they're like, we
Speaker 1: should celebrate this holiday and sell some shit. And now
Speaker 1: here we are today when you got to spend a
Speaker 1: lot of money on gifts for people and then they
Speaker 1: don't even really like the gift that much, but they pretend.
Speaker 1: But you still have to spend a lot of money
Speaker 1: to give them stuff they don't even want because we
Speaker 1: don't even need all that stuff. Maybe that's just me.
Speaker 1: Is this relatable? I'm trying to be relatable. So for
Speaker 1: all of y'all who are going to be celebrating Christmas
Speaker 1: this year, just remember what the Puritans thought, that celebrating
Speaker 1: Christmas means you're doing the will of say ten And
Speaker 1: I think obviously we learn a lot from every American
Speaker 1: filth episode, and I think what we really learn is
Speaker 1: that religion is for sure one real and not a
Speaker 1: tool used by people in power to control you. So
Speaker 1: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. Etc. We aren't going to
Speaker 1: have an episode next week because I'm going to take
Speaker 1: a break, but we'll be back in the new year. Xoxo,
Speaker 1: Gabby bye. American Filth is a production of School of
Speaker 1: Humans and iHeart Podcast. I'm your host, Gabby Watts. This
Speaker 1: episode was written by Julia Christgau. It was sound designed
Speaker 1: by Jesse Niswanger. He also helped me make the theme
Speaker 1: song Wow. Our senior producers Amelia Brock, and our executive
Speaker 1: producers are Virginia Prescott, Elsie Crowley, and Brandon Barr. Please like, subscribe,
Speaker 1: review to the show wherever you listen. Also follow along
Speaker 1: on Instagram at American Filth Pod buye School of Humans.