Speaker 1: Talk or talk talk.
Speaker 2: We're just two unapologetically black women with an opinion to talks.
Speaker 1: What's up, y'all? Thank you for tending them for a
Speaker 1: new episode and we talked back.
Speaker 3: The show dedicated to you, Dreamers and Chases the Coach
Speaker 3: a j Holiday two point oh.
Speaker 1: If you're nasty, what's up?
Speaker 4: I'm feeling like you say, like niggas and bitches when
Speaker 4: your perod on and then when you off, when you're
Speaker 4: ovulating this Dreamers.
Speaker 3: And Chasers, who the hell starts to show up talking
Speaker 3: about my period?
Speaker 2: Me?
Speaker 1: You're wicked?
Speaker 3: Absolutely not. It just depends on how crunk I'm feeling.
Speaker 3: And shit, if I'm feeling like a real nigga, I
Speaker 3: might say to you niggas and these home. If I'm
Speaker 3: feeling a MANIFESTI not a manifesty manifesting. It's Dreamers and
Speaker 3: Chase you manifested today. I'm manifested today, bitch, I'm sprinkling.
Speaker 2: Well, what about the weekend? What'd you do over the weekend?
Speaker 1: You can't hold on? You can't see this bust down metal.
Speaker 1: You're straight her, y'all.
Speaker 3: I've never worn a bust down middle Park went straight
Speaker 3: hair and it looks good.
Speaker 2: I like it. It's a it's a look, it's a look.
Speaker 2: It's giving.
Speaker 3: I went to my best friends Priscilla. Okay, Priscilla is
Speaker 3: a hairstylist. She works on film The Motherfuckers is on
Speaker 3: Striker right now along with the writers though, but she
Speaker 3: turned forty this past week girl, so we had a
Speaker 3: nice little celebration and she was so beautiful.
Speaker 2: Bitch.
Speaker 3: Yeah, she had a wardrobe changes and all types of
Speaker 3: shit going on.
Speaker 1: We had a good time.
Speaker 3: I ruined my weekend, though, so we hung out all
Speaker 3: Saturday and then I don't know what possessed We went
Speaker 3: to breakfast at Barney's, me and my other friend, and
Speaker 3: then I went home and took an edible off her
Speaker 3: kitchen counter, and that shit put me down from.
Speaker 1: Six to fucking six.
Speaker 2: You was in the bed just yes, like.
Speaker 1: Coulding move Now. I can't say that. I don't want
Speaker 1: to do it again.
Speaker 3: I just can't have shit to do because that was
Speaker 3: a nice little comatose damn feeling what I did all weekend.
Speaker 1: I'm giving the fuck.
Speaker 4: I ain't just another iron do shit weekend. I'm like
Speaker 4: not drinking and I'm not smoking right now, and I'm
Speaker 4: not having sex and I'm just not so I've been
Speaker 4: in the house like not nothing, not nothing, reading and
Speaker 4: going to bed at nine thirty. So that's been my weekend.
Speaker 4: I don't have nothing and working out. I've been working out,
Speaker 4: Like last week, I cycled forty miles.
Speaker 3: Nice, that's the most I ever did any Nice. You
Speaker 3: gotta bicycle? Why you don't ride your bike any.
Speaker 4: Because the weather is just so weird, Like one minute
Speaker 4: it's hot, the next minute is raining.
Speaker 1: I don't know, pack some water, bit I was packed
Speaker 1: some water and get outside.
Speaker 3: But that's all. That's all good. It sounds like you're
Speaker 3: doing some detoxing. Yeah, unintentional detoxing.
Speaker 4: So yeah, it wasn't intentional. It's just happening this way. Well,
Speaker 4: I did remove the penis from my life on purpose.
Speaker 2: I don't want no male right now.
Speaker 3: Gorilla Glow was on Angie Martinez Show, and she was saying, like,
Speaker 3: right before Gorilla Glow, Glorrella.
Speaker 2: Girl, I don't know what.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you name Corolla, Gorilla Glue, look look no,
Speaker 1: but Glorella said, right, but for her little fuck.
Speaker 3: Nigga free song came out of her and her homegirl
Speaker 3: like me like a pack like man, we ain't fucking
Speaker 3: with nobody for six for sixty days. And she said,
Speaker 3: like meditating and fasting and all types of ship.
Speaker 2: And then look at.
Speaker 1: Wallet right where you get these fun boys out your life?
Speaker 2: Man?
Speaker 1: Because men definitely, I guess they feel the same way
Speaker 1: about women. Could be a distraction, a bad relationship.
Speaker 4: I'm just gonna stay away everybody from everybody intol. Drake
Speaker 4: get here next month. So there's sad. You heard your
Speaker 4: hair set it up?
Speaker 1: Huh you already set it up?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I set that up. That's emotion. That's emotion.
Speaker 3: Maybe I watch I would come to your fucking house.
Speaker 3: You got a Drake name in a jar somewhere, and that.
Speaker 2: Is that something to do? Is that something I can do?
Speaker 1: I will put it in.
Speaker 3: Drake gonna come to Charlae? Like why do I keep
Speaker 3: thinking about this person named Tamala?
Speaker 1: Like what is happening? I just gotta find her. He
Speaker 1: ain't gonna know why.
Speaker 3: Drake gonna beat hit his Instagram story, Tamala, Tamala, are
Speaker 3: you if you're out there?
Speaker 2: Hear me?
Speaker 4: I'm here, baby, I got this meanwhile me while I
Speaker 4: got his name in a jar with a chicken head
Speaker 4: or some shit we's stirring that ship up, y'all.
Speaker 2: That's jokes.
Speaker 4: I would never do anything like that because I don't
Speaker 4: know how to because I don't know if I knew
Speaker 4: how to get.
Speaker 1: Attention as everything. Yeah, I just intention as everything manifesting.
Speaker 2: With my thoughts, not no chicken head. Let's get into
Speaker 2: stupid internet news.
Speaker 1: What we got going on?
Speaker 2: Child?
Speaker 4: Oh, Bob Barker died from the Price Is Right. That's
Speaker 4: like a piece of my childhood dying. When my grandma
Speaker 4: used to babysit me. We watched Price Is Right, Young
Speaker 4: and the Restless, General Hospital, Days of our.
Speaker 2: Lives and all mash.
Speaker 3: That's not like my un birthday girl in the back
Speaker 3: of the restaurant. We got a soul for restaurant here
Speaker 3: in Charleston, that's all. She used to watch that same
Speaker 3: little liner. What happened to the daytime shows?
Speaker 2: They still come on? Do they?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: You just out living? That's what grandma.
Speaker 3: What's the last time you've seen a daytime show? And
Speaker 3: who are the characters now?
Speaker 2: Victor Newman is still getting it? What?
Speaker 1: I don't believe.
Speaker 2: Young and Restless they need to.
Speaker 4: Call that old and rest Y're old and rested because y'all.
Speaker 2: Y'all should have rested by this point.
Speaker 1: I had to look that up and see if it's
Speaker 1: actually God.
Speaker 2: I don't believe they still come on.
Speaker 1: Who's watching that? Like, how do they have the rating?
Speaker 2: There's still people like getting older and watching that ship?
Speaker 3: I don't watch, right, Pat Man, I always wanted to
Speaker 3: go on prices right, he too, like I in my mind,
Speaker 3: I know how to play all the fucking games and
Speaker 3: Ilko Blinko, Yeah, I.
Speaker 1: Love playing always be fucking up.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and don't it's concerned, like you can't guess they'd
Speaker 4: be like, how much is this fucking vacuum cleaner? Is
Speaker 4: it more than eighty dollars or less than eighty dollars?
Speaker 4: And this this vacuum cleaner got Bluetooth screened on it.
Speaker 4: It kid, it got hos, it got all kinds of shit.
Speaker 2: It's more than eighty dollars.
Speaker 4: Clearly, why are you to my least stand? I used
Speaker 4: to be so mad at them people, even as a
Speaker 4: little kid. And Plinko I used to love that game too.
Speaker 4: But rest of pizza Bot Barker, he was ninety nine
Speaker 4: years old. He had a long, good life, So that's
Speaker 4: a blessing. He stayed right up onder a dollar all
Speaker 4: he used to say, come on down. Now he went
Speaker 4: on up.
Speaker 2: In the name of Jesus, say man.
Speaker 3: All right, So speaking of bar BARKI, y'all listen, let's
Speaker 3: go ahead throw this in there. Michael Jackson's birthday was
Speaker 3: on Tuesday.
Speaker 4: Happy birthday to the greatest ever do in life. There'll
Speaker 4: never be another artist in our lifetime that comes to
Speaker 4: close close to the celebrity he had. That man could,
Speaker 4: that man could stand on stage silent, not open his mouth,
Speaker 4: and not do one dance, not kick his foot one time,
Speaker 4: and the whole all them white girls and people be
Speaker 4: screaming past fainting.
Speaker 3: It's his energy, man, his energy was too much for this,
Speaker 3: for this real. And Michael said, Man, I'm getting the
Speaker 3: fun up out of here.
Speaker 2: I think he meant to harn it. I don't think
Speaker 2: he meant to go though.
Speaker 1: Mmm. Some said he not dead. I don't know. There's
Speaker 1: a lot of mm hmm. All right, p Michael, all right.
Speaker 3: So a Canadian KFC marketing campaign is receiving backlash of
Speaker 3: social media after many users find the imaging to be
Speaker 3: culturally insensitive.
Speaker 1: Okay, so images from the campaign are starting to go
Speaker 1: viral after they were posted to x Twitter by x F.
Speaker 3: Well you know Twitter is now x so it's posted
Speaker 3: to X by KFC Canadians director of marketing. Once the
Speaker 3: images began to receive criticism for their lack of diversity,
Speaker 3: the director of marketing apologized and shared a sixty second
Speaker 3: commercial that says it's more representative representative of Canada's diversity
Speaker 3: and their creativity.
Speaker 1: So it's just some black people eating chicken, and shit.
Speaker 2: Love chicken. I love chicken.
Speaker 4: If I was in that commercial, I would look just
Speaker 4: the same way eating that chicken. What's the problem.
Speaker 1: Okay, I don't like chicken.
Speaker 3: You know, I don't eat chicken, and I don't remember
Speaker 3: KFC tasting good for many years. To fo, I stop
Speaker 3: eating chicken? Is that really the healthiest thing for niggas
Speaker 3: to be eating? Absolutely not. Stop marketing that shit to
Speaker 3: our people any topic, which is okay.
Speaker 2: But I love chicken. The KFC and Jamaica is so bombed.
Speaker 4: Every time I go to CA Jamaica, I'm gonna have
Speaker 4: that KFC and get them little wings.
Speaker 2: I have wings.
Speaker 4: Yesterday I happen to enjoy fried chicken, and if I
Speaker 4: was in a campaign for chicken. That's how I would
Speaker 4: eat the motherfucking chicken. You know what, It just it
Speaker 4: pisses me off. Like the June Teeth celebration and they
Speaker 4: had like chicken and strawberry soda and strawberry cake and
Speaker 4: watermelon and all these things and people were mad about it.
Speaker 2: Black people are like, oh, this is this culturally insensitive.
Speaker 1: It's what we enjoy.
Speaker 4: Now. We ain't gonna have no watermelon and fried chicken
Speaker 4: for June Teeth because y'all mad what y'all want to eat?
Speaker 2: What y'all want to eat for jew companies?
Speaker 1: Like what more do you want from Ray?
Speaker 4: People just be mad about finding anything to be mad about. Meanwhile,
Speaker 4: student Loan is still crazy. That's what we need to
Speaker 4: be talking about, not no fucking.
Speaker 2: Campaign.
Speaker 3: And I didn't do my full due diligence with this story, right,
Speaker 3: So is it white people that were feeling some type
Speaker 3: of way because it's black people.
Speaker 1: In the utensils?
Speaker 4: No, because if you look at the full sixty second video,
Speaker 4: it's all kinds of racist in the video, right, But
Speaker 4: just in those billboards, there's black people and their reflection
Speaker 4: in the silverware, and they look to be like munching
Speaker 4: on some chicken and having enjoying it. And it's and
Speaker 4: I guess it's black people that are upset about it.
Speaker 4: But judges, I just feel like y'all need to find
Speaker 4: something else to be mad about.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't lend my energies no bullshit. Nowadays, we
Speaker 3: got bigger friends to fry. We got way biggert shit
Speaker 3: to worry about. Y'all see COVID coming back down the pipeline? Right,
Speaker 3: is your house in order?
Speaker 2: All right? We got Are you prepared chicken to fry?
Speaker 2: No pun intended?
Speaker 3: Are you gonna be duped this go around? Are we
Speaker 3: gonna stand together? And I'll be complicit with the government.
Speaker 2: I know one thing.
Speaker 4: I'm about to get my only fans backdrop all thegether
Speaker 4: for when it happens, because I'm not gonna miss that
Speaker 4: money this time.
Speaker 1: I promise you that I'm gonna be on there like NPC.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, grace, yes, yes, good, yes, yes, yes, thank you,
Speaker 4: thank you, thank you, yes, yes.
Speaker 1: Thank you. No speaking of her, he's so good. I sorry.
Speaker 2: Brown skin, how she get herself light skin on? Their?
Speaker 2: What kind of filter?
Speaker 1: Staying with everybody else? Light skin?
Speaker 3: Put the heavy makeup on top of the filters, on
Speaker 3: top of it. She's a pretty girl.
Speaker 2: She's pretty brown. That's crazy.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's a lighting.
Speaker 2: It could be right now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's because like the light is coming through my window.
Speaker 3: So I really have to dark it, black it out
Speaker 3: in here for it not to look like this. But yeah,
Speaker 3: so maybe maybe she has a lot of lighting in
Speaker 3: her apartment.
Speaker 1: Bitch. I don't just look light skin, I look like
Speaker 1: this is my whole soul. You've see in right now?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: Really?
Speaker 2: Is that what it is? Is it is no light
Speaker 2: shining in on you?
Speaker 1: No, it's my soul.
Speaker 4: Okay, Well, y'all, AJ soul showed up to work today.
Speaker 4: Thank you, So y'all we had Thank you, stupid. We
Speaker 4: have Elliott Connie on today and he's definitely going to
Speaker 4: give us a mini therapy session and possibly you two,
Speaker 4: so tune in.
Speaker 2: We'll be right back with him in just a second.
Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, y'all listen.
Speaker 3: So today's guest. You know, it's pretty fitting for we
Speaker 3: talk back. He has lectured all throughout the US and internationally.
Speaker 3: He's a psycho therapist who specializes in solution focused brief therapy.
Speaker 3: He's the founder of Solution focused universe and maintains a
Speaker 3: private practice.
Speaker 1: He's written and published four books. Okay, he's a big deal.
Speaker 1: Also feature in a breakfast club recently, and he's a
Speaker 1: fellow podcaster. Y'all.
Speaker 3: Welcome mister Elliott Connie. So we talk back and yeah, hey,
Speaker 3: thank you for coming.
Speaker 1: Free therapy. Yeah, how you doing, man?
Speaker 5: I'm doing great. I don't love the word free, but
Speaker 5: I'm doing great.
Speaker 1: If it's free, it's for me.
Speaker 5: Just happy to be here. I'll do whatever y'all want.
Speaker 1: Ooh, go threaten me with a good time.
Speaker 5: Okay, best hour of your life coming right.
Speaker 1: Up, y'all, So listen.
Speaker 3: I think that uh, millennials are probably the first generation
Speaker 3: of people who try and tie their adulthood back to childhood.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: So I wanted to talk with Elliott a little bit today,
Speaker 3: you know, about what he does as a psychotherapist.
Speaker 1: What exactly is psychotherapy?
Speaker 3: And I want to talk about childhood because I'm going
Speaker 3: through it right now, okay, with family, absolutely.
Speaker 4: I'm going through it with these niggas. So we're going
Speaker 4: to talk about family. Then we go to talk about these.
Speaker 5: What do you want to start? Ask me anything you want?
Speaker 1: What is psychotherapy?
Speaker 5: Psychotherapy? Is just it's counseling, right. Psychotherapy is addressing your
Speaker 5: mental health concerns or issues through counseling. Even better, stated,
Speaker 5: the way I would like to think about it is
Speaker 5: psychotherapy is healing. It's about healing.
Speaker 3: So the type of therapy that you offer this solution
Speaker 3: focused brief therapy, Right, what's the difference between.
Speaker 1: That and cognitive behavioral therapy?
Speaker 3: And then what's the difference between those two and just
Speaker 3: counseling or a life coach basically right?
Speaker 5: So, well, a life coach is not usually a licensed professional. Right,
Speaker 5: Between solution focused brief therapy and someone doing cognit behavioral
Speaker 5: therapies are usually in my position, that's a life since
Speaker 5: professional life coach wouldn't be. The difference between solution focused
Speaker 5: brief therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy, however, is like night
Speaker 5: and day, like the way that I do there, Well,
Speaker 5: let me go all the way back. I had a really,
Speaker 5: really difficult childhood. My father was super abusive. I grew
Speaker 5: up anxious, depressed, suicidal, no confidence, all of it. And
Speaker 5: by the time I got into college and was kind
Speaker 5: of growing, maturing and doing my own work to heal,
Speaker 5: I decided I want to become a psychotherapist to help
Speaker 5: people that were struggling. And I went to graduate school
Speaker 5: and I had a school that was teaching me about
Speaker 5: cognitive behavioral therapy. At the time, it was one of
Speaker 5: the most popular ways to do therapy, and I just
Speaker 5: thought it would have made me miserable to do that.
Speaker 5: It would have made me miserable as a human being.
Speaker 5: But to do cognitive behavioral therapy, I have to talk
Speaker 5: to you about what's wrong with you to help fix it.
Speaker 5: But I didn't want to talk to anybody about what's
Speaker 5: wrong with me, not in that way. I wanted to
Speaker 5: talk to people about hopes and dreams, warmth, love, care, proper, true,
Speaker 5: genuine healing, and right when I decided to quit graduate school,
Speaker 5: I learned about this thing called solution focused brief therapy,
Speaker 5: which is about all of those things. It's it's accomplishing
Speaker 5: healing through a focus on what's right with you versus
Speaker 5: what's wrong with you. And for me, as someone with
Speaker 5: a super trauma background, I was like this, I want
Speaker 5: I want this.
Speaker 1: Do you feel you about to cry?
Speaker 2: Tamn? Hold on No. I was listening because I'm thinking
Speaker 2: about the therapist I had. I mean it's a bitch.
Speaker 2: Had me like, all right, I want you to write
Speaker 2: a letter to your parents and your childhood. And it happened.
Speaker 4: And then I wrote this letter and I was She's like, okay,
Speaker 4: let's read the letter out loud, and I was like,
Speaker 4: crying hard, it's not and she was.
Speaker 2: Like, okay, that's her time.
Speaker 4: I'll see you next time. It's like, girl, you had
Speaker 4: me unpack all this shit for nothing, did nothing with it.
Speaker 2: We read.
Speaker 4: I read my letter out loud, and then I was
Speaker 4: supposed to do an event that night and I had
Speaker 4: to cancel because I had pulled all this shit out
Speaker 4: of me and said it on the on the couch
Speaker 4: with me and then just left it there.
Speaker 2: It pissed me off so bad. I was like, I
Speaker 2: can't believe I paid this bitch.
Speaker 1: And leave it on my couch.
Speaker 2: She said about, well, that's our time. No the fuck
Speaker 2: it ain't bitch.
Speaker 3: You better right.
Speaker 5: To me like that. People we have this weird thought
Speaker 5: that like I should be able to ask you anything
Speaker 5: and you should be able to talk about it. So
Speaker 5: therapy is about making you and that ain't true. There's
Speaker 5: a lot of shit I don't want to relive and
Speaker 5: haven't healed from it. It just means I don't want
Speaker 5: to relive that shit. And therapy shouldn't be about tell
Speaker 5: me about your deepest, darkest wounds. Therapy should be about
Speaker 5: tell me about your greatness and life that leans so
Speaker 5: far into you, a greatness that your difficulties become part
Speaker 5: of your greatness story. That to me got me super
Speaker 5: hype about mental health like that. That for me, that
Speaker 5: became my drug. I was all in right, like right
Speaker 5: then and there. I was all in.
Speaker 2: That sound good. That sounds way better than the shit
Speaker 2: I was doing, way better.
Speaker 5: That's why I do what I do. That's why I
Speaker 5: write my books. That's why I travel the world. That's
Speaker 5: why I go in to breakfast club, That's why I
Speaker 5: do all these things.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was watching it.
Speaker 3: I watched that interview before and you said something on
Speaker 3: there and I was like, Yo, you said, you're when
Speaker 3: your pain is your purpose, fact right, and it doesn't
Speaker 3: hurt you anymore.
Speaker 5: I felt that that's true. So when you say come
Speaker 5: to a purpose, it cannot cause you injury.
Speaker 3: I feel like us doing this podcast right, and we
Speaker 3: lay a lot of our personal lives and business out,
Speaker 3: so do a lot of other shows. Right, this has
Speaker 3: now and become our purpose because I feel like I'm
Speaker 3: one of those people who really don't need therapy. I
Speaker 3: can talk to anybody about my shit and I'm gonna
Speaker 3: tell you everything, right, no problem.
Speaker 1: I could tell anybody a stranger on the street. I
Speaker 1: just need to be able to vocalize what it is that.
Speaker 3: I'm going through and I might have to say it
Speaker 3: ten times until I actually get the healing and I'm
Speaker 3: over it. And just because I'm still talking about it right,
Speaker 3: doesn't mean I'm not healed from it.
Speaker 5: Correct.
Speaker 2: See, I'm different. I can talk about it till I'm
Speaker 2: blue in the face.
Speaker 4: But if I don't have any tools to correct anything,
Speaker 4: it doesn't change anything for me, you know, Like I
Speaker 4: can express like what I'm going through with a friend
Speaker 4: and this friend and that friend and still feel it
Speaker 4: when I hang up with everybody else if I don't
Speaker 4: have any direction on how to fix whatever it is.
Speaker 5: But that's why I know when your purpose is so important, right, Like,
Speaker 5: when you know your purpose, you can endure any hardship.
Speaker 5: One of my personal heroes as an example, one of
Speaker 5: my personal heroes, and I'm a reader. I don't know
Speaker 5: if you guys are like, oh, we're super readers. Reading
Speaker 5: the book Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela changed
Speaker 5: my life. And the reason changed my life is I
Speaker 5: read it at a time where I was like searching
Speaker 5: for what I'm going to do with my life. And
Speaker 5: Mandela endured more hardship than maybe anyone I know of
Speaker 5: and accomplish more triumph through that hardship. And the entire
Speaker 5: reason was because he knew his purpose the whole time. Yes,
Speaker 5: so I think what happens is too often we focus
Speaker 5: on the hardship. But Medeeba had a way, Medeeba being
Speaker 5: his chief name, he had a way of understanding, like,
Speaker 5: you can throw me in any prison cell you want.
Speaker 5: My job is to endure this so that I can
Speaker 5: set my people free. Yes, well, so when I recognize,
Speaker 5: like my father was not a very kind man to me,
Speaker 5: and he would punish harshly, beat me harshly, call me
Speaker 5: horrible names, which by the way, had way more of
Speaker 5: a negative impact than the beatings did. But what if
Speaker 5: my job is to now go talk to black people
Speaker 5: about mental health. Now, all of a sudden, I'm like
Speaker 5: proud of what I endured because now I carry this
Speaker 5: message that I can go to the breakfast club and
Speaker 5: talk about how important this is. I can write the
Speaker 5: books I write. I can travel to South Africa and
Speaker 5: talk to people like mental health is important and here's why.
Speaker 5: If I had a normal, traditional childhood, I wouldn't be
Speaker 5: able to carry this message right. Well, once you realize
Speaker 5: that it doesn't cause you pain anymore, like I'm proud
Speaker 5: of it.
Speaker 2: Actually, were you able to repair the relationship with your father?
Speaker 5: That's a tricky question. I'll say yes and no. The
Speaker 5: reason I'll say I was the yes part is I
Speaker 5: was able to tell him When I was nineteen years old,
Speaker 5: I was on the brink of like suicide and I
Speaker 5: was like, look, bro, I'm about to check out of here.
Speaker 5: And I realized I got to live a life where
Speaker 5: no one is yelling at me, hitting me, calling me names,
Speaker 5: and cursing at me. I was like, bro, I can
Speaker 5: handle anything not on this list. These are the four
Speaker 5: things I can't tolerate, but I'll deal with anything else.
Speaker 5: And my father said fuck you and he hung up
Speaker 5: the phone on me. And I haven't talked to him since.
Speaker 5: So have we been able to repair the relationship? In
Speaker 5: my opinion, yes, because I currently have a healthy relationship
Speaker 5: with an unhealthy person, because he has not been able
Speaker 5: to contact me in twenty years. I was nineteen when
Speaker 5: I said that. I'm forty six now, so twenty five
Speaker 5: years or over twenty five years. But he has not
Speaker 5: been able to resolve that. And I'm okay with that,
Speaker 5: right because most people, if your son said like I
Speaker 5: won't talk to you until you climb the Empire State Building,
Speaker 5: like being away from your child would be so difficult,
Speaker 5: You're going to figure out a way to climb the
Speaker 5: Empire State Building. My father, to this day, he can't
Speaker 5: follow those four rules. So I don't know what to
Speaker 5: do about that. I know I'm healed, and I know
Speaker 5: my dynamic with my father and my memory of who
Speaker 5: he was is healthy because I'm no longer being yelled at,
Speaker 5: hit cursed at, or called names.
Speaker 1: And I think that's the experience for a lot of
Speaker 1: black kids.
Speaker 3: Even right now, I see people cussing their kids out
Speaker 3: in public, and I feel like you've lost control as
Speaker 3: a parent if you have to dish that type of
Speaker 3: anger towards a little person who has half the life
Speaker 3: experiences of an adult. But kids get put on this
Speaker 3: pedestal and they're supposed to. You got to say things
Speaker 3: a million times. The kids they don't remember or they
Speaker 3: don't give a fuck, so you have to just you
Speaker 3: have to have a lot of patience. And I think,
Speaker 3: do you have kids, Elliott, I have a daughter, so
Speaker 3: you have a daughter.
Speaker 1: So Tam and I don't have kids.
Speaker 3: And I think if you live long enough without kids,
Speaker 3: like you, can you see different things, Like you see
Speaker 3: that kids are the blessing, right, So why would you
Speaker 3: disrespect something that I feel like chose you to come
Speaker 3: here and you just the portal by which the child
Speaker 3: or the spirit chose to get to this realm.
Speaker 1: But you owe it to it to take care of them.
Speaker 4: Oftentimes, even with your father, that's probably how his father
Speaker 4: treated him.
Speaker 2: That's probably how he was parented. You know.
Speaker 3: Yes, that's well our lack of parenting, so you thought
Speaker 3: that's how parenting was supposed to be, right, Yeah, Like.
Speaker 5: My father and I often don't share this story because
Speaker 5: I feel like it's his part of the story to tell.
Speaker 5: But there is something that happened in my father's past
Speaker 5: that created a trauma. And I forgive him, like I
Speaker 5: genuinely forgive him. I still don't want to be yelled at, cursed,
Speaker 5: a hit, or call names, but I legitimately forgive him.
Speaker 5: And if he called me right now and said, man,
Speaker 5: can we talk, I'll be hell, yeah, we can talk.
Speaker 5: I don't have any negative feelings, resentment, angered, none of that.
Speaker 5: But I think what you said is one hundredercent true.
Speaker 5: Like we hold kids to this standard that they're not
Speaker 5: ready to live up to.
Speaker 3: Yet, and that adults don't love it, Like adults just
Speaker 3: get to say, I'm grown, but you're doing this childishit.
Speaker 3: You really need your ass whoop, not the kid. I'd
Speaker 3: rather beat adults, like adults need to ask with way
Speaker 3: more than kids.
Speaker 5: I think that true. And how can we beat down
Speaker 5: some kid? And like the number one contributor to good
Speaker 5: decision making is self esteem. So if I tell if
Speaker 5: I'm beating down some kid verbally and physically, and then
Speaker 5: they're thirteen years old, freshman in high school and someone
Speaker 5: comes up to them and says like, hey, let's skip school,
Speaker 5: use drugs, go drinking, how are they supposed to make
Speaker 5: that decision right if we are not instilled in them
Speaker 5: good positive self esteem. And thinking about women, like how
Speaker 5: am I expecting a young woman to hold a male
Speaker 5: suitor accountable to how they're going to treat them if
Speaker 5: they haven't been taught they are a queen, like, you
Speaker 5: need to hold yourself to this standard, so only allow
Speaker 5: kings in your life. Right, we can't do that if
Speaker 5: we're talking down to them while they're youthful, Like, it's insane.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I feel like in the black community, we focus more
Speaker 3: on teaching little girls how to be well however they're
Speaker 3: supposed to be. Don't be fast, don't do this, don't
Speaker 3: do that, But we don't teach the boys that girl.
Speaker 3: Little girls are special. You're not supposed to run through them.
Speaker 3: You're supposed to handle them with care.
Speaker 5: I think that's true. I think we have to treat
Speaker 5: we have to teach both. I think we have to
Speaker 5: teach young men the value of themselves and young women
Speaker 5: young girls. And I think we have to teach young
Speaker 5: girls the value of themselves and young men. Like I'm
Speaker 5: now I will watch I mean, I can't help it.
Speaker 5: I'm a psychotherapist, and I will watch it on TV,
Speaker 5: I'll watch it on social media, and I'm like, how
Speaker 5: are you letting your partner say this shit to you?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 5: You need to leave this person immediately like red flags everywhere,
Speaker 5: like you need to go today. And part of it
Speaker 5: is because we haven't. We haven't taught them like you
Speaker 5: should hold people accountable in your life so they'll treat
Speaker 5: you a certain way, and if they can't love up
Speaker 5: that standard, they gotta go.
Speaker 4: But it's not also in just what we tell our kids,
Speaker 4: because we can there and tell our kids like you
Speaker 4: need to have a man treat you nice and be
Speaker 4: kind to you, and then you get in a car
Speaker 4: with her and then you play my booty Whole Brown
Speaker 4: and all this music, Like you're playing this music around
Speaker 4: your child, but you're telling them one thing and then
Speaker 4: showing them something different.
Speaker 1: Are you with a man who doesn't treat me right?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 1: So you have to a child right?
Speaker 2: You have to also walk it.
Speaker 5: But that's what I mean, that's the standard. That's the
Speaker 5: absolute standard. If I if I were in a relationship
Speaker 5: with either of the two of you and we had
Speaker 5: a daughter, I would I would tell my daughter you
Speaker 5: are a queen. I would tell my daughter you are
Speaker 5: deserving of being treated well. And my daughter would watch
Speaker 5: me open doors. My daughter would watch me serving you breakfast.
Speaker 5: My daughter would watch me carrying my load. My daughter
Speaker 5: would watch me treating you well, because then what happens
Speaker 5: is when some boy asks her on a date and
Speaker 5: doesn't open the door for her or whatever, not that
Speaker 5: that has to be the thing, but like, whatever it is,
Speaker 5: she's gonna be like, why are you I watched my
Speaker 5: dad do that to my mom, and my dad instilled
Speaker 5: in me that I deserve that. So the fact that
Speaker 5: I heard you call me a bitch to your friends,
Speaker 5: or I saw that text message where you said you
Speaker 5: wanted to run through me, I saw you not open
Speaker 5: the door for me, you made me pay for dinner
Speaker 5: last night, Like I'm just not gonna tolerate it. Like
Speaker 5: instilled in me that I deserve more than that.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, I would just stand at a door. I will
Speaker 4: stand at a car door if I'm on a date
Speaker 4: and a guy just goes and gets in his car,
Speaker 4: I'll just stand there at the door, like, what's happening here?
Speaker 4: I got to teach people, Yeah, I'm sorry, what is
Speaker 4: happening here? How am I going to get in.
Speaker 5: Absolutely correct?
Speaker 4: Would you ever have you ever told like a couple
Speaker 4: in therapy, like y'all just need to call this quiz.
Speaker 2: Y'all need to stop leave each other. Fuck alone, ma'am,
Speaker 2: leave right now?
Speaker 5: No, I have not ever, because my job is to
Speaker 5: if they want to be together, my job is to
Speaker 5: help them do that in a healthy way. So rather
Speaker 5: than say like, leave right now, I would say things
Speaker 5: like what kind of relationship do you want to be in?
Speaker 5: And then how do you conduct yourself in a way
Speaker 5: that causes him to rise to that occasion and vice versa.
Speaker 2: So, okay, I saw that Gunplay pulled a gun on
Speaker 2: his baby mama while she was holding the baby. What
Speaker 2: would you tell them?
Speaker 5: You wouldn't tell how to leave if they came to
Speaker 5: couple's therapy. That's different than if she came to therapy. Okay,
Speaker 5: if she came to therapy, I would say, yeah, like
Speaker 5: you've got to go, like this is an unsafe environment.
Speaker 5: And it makes me think of that old Maya Angelou
Speaker 5: quote when somebody tells you who they are, believe them
Speaker 5: the first time? I mean times. Does somebody have to
Speaker 5: pull a gun on you before you recognize this is
Speaker 5: not healthy and or safe?
Speaker 1: You bought a pull of gun first of all.
Speaker 4: If somebody tell me their name is Gunplay, I'm probably
Speaker 4: gonna be kind of weary of getting played with by
Speaker 4: a gun.
Speaker 5: Just me, just me, you know, I mean that's for me,
Speaker 5: the crazy pop culture we live in. Like you you
Speaker 5: never know, you know, you never know what people gonna
Speaker 5: call themsel But but my point would be, and I
Speaker 5: also think healing is accomplishable, and you can be called
Speaker 5: gun play and you can make mistakes, but some of
Speaker 5: these things are really super concerning. I saw that story
Speaker 5: this morning.
Speaker 3: Actually, and I was like, so if they came to
Speaker 3: you as a couple, you wouldn't just be like, girl,
Speaker 3: you need to leave to hint in front of me.
Speaker 1: If you need some help, baby, I take you out
Speaker 1: here right after this ship who if they ship behind
Speaker 1: that man back, Like we go to the restaurant.
Speaker 4: Baby, I'm gonna pull the car around back and you
Speaker 4: just hop in and I'm gonna take you somewhere safe.
Speaker 2: I know it.
Speaker 1: Man, I know a guy.
Speaker 5: If they come to me and they're like, hey, we
Speaker 5: want to have a healthy relationship to my job to
Speaker 5: help them accomplish it. And if they decide on their
Speaker 5: own that it's not accomplishable, then that's a different story.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I told that story just recently, Like the last couple's
Speaker 3: therapy session that I went to with my ex and
Speaker 3: my last relationship. That's I came to that conclusion, like,
Speaker 3: I can't do this anymore. Nobody had to tell me
Speaker 3: me just talking about this relationship. It takes approximately four
Speaker 3: and a half hours to tell you four years of bullshit, right.
Speaker 3: I came to that conclusion on my own. Just haven't
Speaker 3: talked through it that one last time. I'm like, I'm
Speaker 3: not doing this no more. Just me saying this shit
Speaker 3: out my mouth.
Speaker 1: I feel stupid. I feel stupid for all this shit
Speaker 1: I've endured.
Speaker 2: And we have.
Speaker 5: We have lots of friends throughout I have friends throughout
Speaker 5: my life and they will call me, hey, man, do
Speaker 5: you think what do you think about relation? I'm man,
Speaker 5: this is not healthy. This is not good. I have
Speaker 5: and now like doing the work that I do and
Speaker 5: working on a TV project and all these things. Like
Speaker 5: I hang out with a lot of celebrities and they
Speaker 5: will call me and I'll be like, no, you are
Speaker 5: not in a healthy relationship. But you know what they do.
Speaker 5: They call me a week later, still in the relationship
Speaker 5: with the same person. Woman, man or female, doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: Keep your dumb bench shit to yourself until you're ready
Speaker 1: to go but ada.
Speaker 2: What a therapist is for to help you, because I
Speaker 2: don't feel like it's.
Speaker 1: Free at this point. He giving him free free therapy
Speaker 1: on the phone, calling randomly, But.
Speaker 5: I'm trying to be their friend, but people don't. Therapy
Speaker 5: is not about advice, it's about healing and you, I
Speaker 5: can tell you right now, like you are in an
Speaker 5: unhealthy relationship, you need to kick the woman or the
Speaker 5: man out of your life. But they're not gonna listen
Speaker 5: to me, just like they wouldn't listen anybody else, therapists
Speaker 5: or not. If they came into my office and we
Speaker 5: did the healing work, then they get to heal, and
Speaker 5: healed people make really really good decisions and people that
Speaker 5: are still wounded don't.
Speaker 4: All right, So let me tell you that that had
Speaker 4: of core, because let me tell you one of my triggers.
Speaker 4: I hate when a motherfucker tell me they're gonna do
Speaker 4: something and then don't do it and don't also communicate
Speaker 4: why they aren't doing it or why it's not getting done.
Speaker 4: That shit will get you xd out real fast with me,
Speaker 4: because I just feel like I have a lot. I've
Speaker 4: been let down by men in my life so much
Speaker 4: that even the smallest infraction.
Speaker 1: It just I snap.
Speaker 4: I instantly snap on a nigga real quick, like, what
Speaker 4: the fuck you mean? You ain't gonna be here at
Speaker 4: eight thirty.
Speaker 2: You know? So how can I not be so triggered
Speaker 2: by people being unaccountable in that way?
Speaker 5: They're not being unaccountable? Like, first of all, you have
Speaker 5: to heal from the wounds of men letting you down. Okay,
Speaker 5: that's the first thing I would say.
Speaker 2: How do you do that? Though?
Speaker 1: That's the thing because they probably go back to Daddy's. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it goes down.
Speaker 2: It goes all the way back to my father. I
Speaker 2: will say that.
Speaker 5: But that's how you do it? Is you like number
Speaker 5: one forgiveness, forgive your father. You have to forget. Like,
Speaker 5: let me tell you the story. So my father was
Speaker 5: a complete I mean, he just wasn't great. And I'll
Speaker 5: get like he tried, but it just wasn't in him.
Speaker 5: He was really aggressive, abusive, mean, nasty, humiliating, embarrassing, all
Speaker 5: those things. And then one day I came home from
Speaker 5: school college, I meant, but I came home to my
Speaker 5: mother's house and for whatever reason, man, this day my
Speaker 5: mother said, I need to tell you something about your father.
Speaker 5: It ain't come easy for you to hear. And she
Speaker 5: told me something that happened in his life when he
Speaker 5: was eighteen years old, and all of a sudden I
Speaker 5: had forgiveness for him because I could give him grace.
Speaker 5: And you have to remember something. We come from a
Speaker 5: legacy of slavery in this country, and I think we
Speaker 5: don't often think about the legacy that is slavery. And
Speaker 5: like you weren't allowed to like sit and talk like
Speaker 5: my mother, she needed me to learn how to shut
Speaker 5: my mouth because as a black man, the police officers
Speaker 5: are gonna pull me over, and if I talk back,
Speaker 5: my life is in dangers. So it's not like so
Speaker 5: have a white friend. Let me tell you this is
Speaker 5: funny as shit have a white friend. And one day
Speaker 5: in high school, he had just gotten his driver's license.
Speaker 5: We're zooming around. He got pulled over. Police pull him
Speaker 5: over outside of Boston, Massachusetts, a place called Franklin. Police
Speaker 5: pull him over, hand him a ticket that he thought
Speaker 5: was unfair and unjust. This white dude got the ticket,
Speaker 5: cussed at the police officer, tore the ticket, threw it
Speaker 5: out the window, and took off driving. Do you know
Speaker 5: what that police officer did? That police officer drove pulled
Speaker 5: us back over and rode him another ticket and then
Speaker 5: an additional ticket for vandalism. Watching that, and I was like,
Speaker 5: if I had done that, they would have been filling
Speaker 5: me up with so many bullet holes as I drove away. Right,
Speaker 5: my mother had to raise her child with panic and
Speaker 5: fear and anxiety, but my white friend's parents didn't have
Speaker 5: to do that. So you got to understand your father
Speaker 5: was parenting in an environment that wasn't really built for him.
Speaker 5: It's not a just environment. Now that doesn't excuse his
Speaker 5: poor treatment, but we have to give them grace because
Speaker 5: they weren't parenting from an equal footing that other cultures, races, ethnicities,
Speaker 5: nationalities got to parent from. So then when somebody calls you,
Speaker 5: like if somebody asks you on a date, they said
Speaker 5: it's gonna be there at eight and they show up
Speaker 5: at eight forty two, you can be like, you know what,
Speaker 5: this is normal life. This is just normal. This is
Speaker 5: just normal life.
Speaker 4: And because I forgive my thought know the wire, Hey, God,
Speaker 4: that's how I feel every time.
Speaker 1: I don't be like that because I feel like there's
Speaker 1: gonna come in time, I'm gonna be late. But it's
Speaker 1: ain't it. We don't want him to wait.
Speaker 2: It's okay to be late.
Speaker 5: I don't.
Speaker 4: I'm not mad about being late. I'm mad about the
Speaker 4: lack of communication before being late. That's what kisses me off.
Speaker 4: Like if you saw it was near eight o'clock and
Speaker 4: you knew you were supposed to be here at eight o'clock.
Speaker 2: Nothing said to get your little Twitter fingers to text
Speaker 2: in and say, hey, I'm late. I'm running late.
Speaker 5: But you know, of course, like I'm gonna be honest
Speaker 5: with you, I wouldn't call you either, Damn Elliott, I
Speaker 5: know I wouldn't call you either. And would you like
Speaker 5: to know why?
Speaker 2: Why?
Speaker 5: Now? I met aj at another event, But Tam, I
Speaker 5: think this is the first time you and I talked you.
Speaker 3: Tam was there though she was there. We were in
Speaker 3: eighty five, Yeah, we didn't talk. Tam was definitely there though.
Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah, So Tam, listen, I've now been on this
Speaker 5: recording with you for like thirty minutes, and you are
Speaker 5: scary as fun.
Speaker 1: I would think I'm the scary one.
Speaker 5: I'm scary, not in a bad way. I don't think
Speaker 5: you're mean at all. But let me tell you what
Speaker 5: every man would fear. You're a beautiful woman. I got
Speaker 5: a crush on you. I've been wanting to ask you
Speaker 5: on a date for however long. And I ask you
Speaker 5: on a date, you say yes, and I'm now on
Speaker 5: my way to your house to pick you up. I
Speaker 5: told you i'll be there at seven point thirty. It
Speaker 5: is seven forty two, and I've been listening to you
Speaker 5: on the We Talk Back podcast. Tell me all kinds
Speaker 5: of shit. I'm afraid if I call you and let
Speaker 5: you know I'm gonna be late, you're gonna cuss me out.
Speaker 5: So the easiest thing I can do is if I
Speaker 5: show up, I can apologize and you're less likely to
Speaker 5: yell at me, and you're less likely to cancel the date.
Speaker 5: Because what I'm afraid of if I call you tell
Speaker 5: you I'm running late, you're gonna cuss me out and
Speaker 5: be like, I ain't going no more, mother, and now
Speaker 5: the date is over. So I'd rather just show up
Speaker 5: so that the date can continue. That's why it ain't
Speaker 5: nothing to do with accountability. It's because you're s.
Speaker 3: That's childish though, right, that's some ship from childhood. Like
Speaker 3: you go ahead and do it and just to sap
Speaker 3: your punishment at the end of the evening, but why
Speaker 3: not hit me up?
Speaker 2: We are adults, Yeah, because it's just the opposite.
Speaker 4: I would appreciate more that you're telling me you're going
Speaker 4: to be late versus me just sitting here waiting on
Speaker 4: someone who I haven't heard from.
Speaker 5: I think that that's a true and that's a good point,
Speaker 5: but I wouldn't go into that dynamic assuming that.
Speaker 2: Kay, well, I just I give these niggas a little longer.
Speaker 5: Leash these niggas, is exactly my point.
Speaker 3: We're smelling different though, and spell with a ki niggas.
Speaker 1: That's a little different. Respectful.
Speaker 5: I'm saying, like, Tam, if you were where do you live, Tam.
Speaker 2: Charlotte, North Carolina, Charlotte.
Speaker 5: North Carolina, Right, Tam, I can tell you right now.
Speaker 5: If I called you and I'm in LA right now.
Speaker 5: If I called you in LA and I was like, Tam,
Speaker 5: you want to hang out, you were like, sure, I'll
Speaker 5: hang out. I don't have no damn clue what time
Speaker 5: I'm gonna get to your house because the LA traffic
Speaker 5: is absolutely crazy. And I'm a busy businessman, like I
Speaker 5: run a multi seven figure business. I've got all kinds
Speaker 5: of things I'm accountable to. There are times I'm on
Speaker 5: my way to pick up my friend Tom. I told
Speaker 5: her'd be there at seven thirty. I look at the clock.
Speaker 5: It is seven forty three, and Ways told me I'm
Speaker 5: seven minutes away. But I'm on the phone with my
Speaker 5: business partner, or on the phone with Charliegne telling me
Speaker 5: that we're gonna do that. Like, there's so many things
Speaker 5: going on, and you've got to have grace, and it
Speaker 5: starts with your father, so then you can gift it
Speaker 5: to other people in your life.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm gonna try it, Elliot, I'm gonna try it.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna try it, but okay, I'm gonna just leave
Speaker 2: it at that. I'm gonna try.
Speaker 4: That is a big trigger for me that I need
Speaker 4: to work on because I will so bark down an
Speaker 4: nick because because he's not because like because he's late.
Speaker 5: You know, have you ever met any any person in
Speaker 5: your life that enjoyed being barked down?
Speaker 1: They neck because I'd be barking. Do you like it?
Speaker 2: I'm going I don't.
Speaker 5: I don't like it, so I wouldn't like it either,
Speaker 5: which is exactly why I'm afraid to call you and say, hey,
Speaker 5: I'm running late for these reasons. Because y'all don't want
Speaker 5: to here's what happens. Here's what happens. Y'a don't want
Speaker 5: to admit it. But here's exactly what happens. If I
Speaker 5: call you and I say, and here's the fear. This
Speaker 5: is what goes on in the male suitor's mind. If
Speaker 5: I call you and I say, I'm running late because
Speaker 5: I got a call from one of my employees and
Speaker 5: it slowed me up while I was getting dressed. The
Speaker 5: fear is you gonna be like, so they more important
Speaker 5: than me. I thought I knew your business was gonna
Speaker 5: get in the way. If you're too busy, then let
Speaker 5: me know. Like that's the fear, right, That's that's that's
Speaker 5: the fear. I've had friends say that to me. I've
Speaker 5: had friends call me and then I call them back
Speaker 5: and I'm like, look, I just got off of stage. Sorry,
Speaker 5: Oh so so we ain't even boys like we used
Speaker 5: to because you're now busy and successful. Want them to
Speaker 5: do with that, but you're now assessing things to me,
Speaker 5: And that's the fear. I'm gonna call Tam and tell
Speaker 5: her I'm running late because this other thing gotten away.
Speaker 5: Oh I already thought you were busy. So is this
Speaker 5: gonna be like if we keep on dating, I'm gonna
Speaker 5: take a back seat to your business all the time.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take a flight. I'm going through that.
Speaker 5: That's what happened. That's what happened. And I would rather
Speaker 5: just show up with a with a flower and a
Speaker 5: box of chocolates, say tam, I'm so sorry I was late,
Speaker 5: and then hopefully you ain't gonna.
Speaker 3: Bark down my problem having these niggas just showing out
Speaker 3: with Dick and do rags then, or don't.
Speaker 4: Show up at all, don't show up and call you
Speaker 4: the next day like she nigga got up like that.
Speaker 5: But that's the thing. If they don't show up at all,
Speaker 5: and if all they got, look it, if the only
Speaker 5: thing a man has.
Speaker 1: For you, I'm talking of them bitches, I ain't talking
Speaker 1: about the people.
Speaker 5: Bring to you. Is that that's not That's not the
Speaker 5: right relationship.
Speaker 3: Dick do ragging A pull up bar lady, reevaluate why
Speaker 3: you funk with him?
Speaker 1: Got it?
Speaker 2: Daddy?
Speaker 5: Did you have?
Speaker 3: My daddy had the holes, but he definitely took it home.
Speaker 3: Like you're gonna at least pay the bills and ship
Speaker 3: like that it was a cheater.
Speaker 2: Well, you just something I'm gonna work on. So should
Speaker 2: I like count or something to like not get angry?
Speaker 2: Like what's a what's a good one to like not
Speaker 2: get angry in that moment, in that moment where.
Speaker 5: I'm two things, actually three things, tam you ready? Yes?
Speaker 5: The first thing is forgive your father and every other
Speaker 5: man that has created this wound. That's thing number one. Okay,
Speaker 5: Thing number two, I want you to tell the person
Speaker 5: that has just asked you on a date if you
Speaker 5: are late, let me know, or I will cuss your
Speaker 5: ass out, like why I let me know? Or I
Speaker 5: will rip you a new one. And thing number three,
Speaker 5: when and if they do, let you know, recognize they've
Speaker 5: done what I've asked them to do. So thus I
Speaker 5: have to control myself.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's fair.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna try that three step.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: So I want to go back to childhood trauma because
Speaker 3: I think I got mommy issues, right, I know, I
Speaker 3: definitely I don't think I have.
Speaker 1: You know, the parent, the absent parent.
Speaker 3: Usually is always like the celebrity. Right when they come around,
Speaker 3: it's like, oh, daddy. But constant usually is a black mom, right,
Speaker 3: She's probably yelling at your ass, cussing your ass. She's
Speaker 3: frustrated because she got to work all the time and provide,
Speaker 3: and Daddy get to do whatever he want to do
Speaker 3: wherever the fuck he's at.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: So, now I've been back here in Charleston. I left
Speaker 3: a relationship and came home. It's how I ended up
Speaker 3: back here. And I think I ended up back here
Speaker 3: to try and heal some childhood.
Speaker 1: Wounds, wounds a little bit.
Speaker 3: Maybe I definitely have a problem with people speaking to
Speaker 3: me nice. I do not like anybody talking at me,
Speaker 3: cussing that type of shit.
Speaker 1: And that's the household I was raising, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying.
Speaker 3: So I think I have like my mom, she rather
Speaker 3: not talk to you if she can't talk to you
Speaker 3: how she wants to, So we can't sit down and
Speaker 3: have an amicable conversation without you getting that mad. And
Speaker 3: I find that in myself too when I start talking
Speaker 3: to people, when I get shited like over here, I
Speaker 3: can't control it, you see what I'm saying, So I'd
Speaker 3: rather not talk to you, don't, fucking bitch.
Speaker 1: It's really how I feel like, what can I do right?
Speaker 3: Because well, I have had I've actually decided. I think
Speaker 3: the first step to change is deciding right. So I've
Speaker 3: decided that I'm no longer arguing arguing with anybody else
Speaker 3: in life. The last argument I had was with Tam,
Speaker 3: and then I had one with my mom, and I
Speaker 3: have now decided that I'm not arguing arguing with anybody
Speaker 3: else in life. I promise, I swear to God, Okay,
Speaker 3: I'm not How do I how do I actually follow
Speaker 3: through on that?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: Because Tam and I have a thing which she doesn't
Speaker 3: like hanging up. But if I feel like I'm about
Speaker 3: to get crazy, I need to go away, and maybe
Speaker 3: I don't even have the words to tell you, hey,
Speaker 3: I need to hang up right, or if I just
Speaker 3: leave because in my last relationship, I'll leave. I don't
Speaker 3: like confrontation in that way because I feel like we
Speaker 3: should have enough love and respect for each other fair
Speaker 3: not to even get there. But some people like we
Speaker 3: talk about that sixth love language out here, which is toxicity.
Speaker 3: So a lot of people actually need that to feel
Speaker 3: loved because of how they were raised. If they were
Speaker 3: raised by an angry black bitch who cussed and yelled
Speaker 3: at them when I'm just being Ah, I'm around here
Speaker 3: sprinkling fairy dust, you know what I'm saying. And you
Speaker 3: can't receive that type of love because you've never seen
Speaker 3: it before. You only feel loved when I'm mad.
Speaker 4: All right, Elliott, before you answered, did you think you
Speaker 4: were coming on here to give therapy or just talk
Speaker 4: about therapy?
Speaker 2: Because I know, like that's both.
Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck both.
Speaker 3: I'm telling people what the fuck I'm going through mentally
Speaker 3: right and I'm asking for help.
Speaker 1: Please.
Speaker 5: You know, I'm happy to talk about all of it, man,
Speaker 5: because I think some of your listeners gonna be struggling
Speaker 5: with the same things.
Speaker 3: So yeah, because our mothers are gods essentially, Like when
Speaker 3: you look at it, like your mom is your God.
Speaker 3: So you don't ever want to be at odds with God,
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. But it's tough dealing with
Speaker 3: black women sometimes.
Speaker 5: Well okay, so I think you're trying to do something
Speaker 5: that is unrealistic when not arguing yes, because here's here's
Speaker 5: what's gonna happen. Here's gonna happen. Aj You're gonna because
Speaker 5: you're a strong minded woman. You're gonna make this commit
Speaker 5: to yourself, like I'm no longer gonna argue, and you're
Speaker 5: gonna bottle up these emotions for a really long time,
Speaker 5: and then you're gonna explode on someone close to you.
Speaker 3: That's already happened though, you see what I'm saying, So
Speaker 3: going giving a lot of grace, letting people slide.
Speaker 1: And I don't feel like that shitting. I'm over. And
Speaker 1: then I also don't feel like arguing anymore.
Speaker 5: So here, let me tell you what to do.
Speaker 1: Mm hm.
Speaker 5: First, I want to talk to you about forgiveness because
Speaker 5: I would say the same thing to you about your
Speaker 5: mom that I said to Tam about her day. You
Speaker 5: gotta find a way to give your mom because she
Speaker 5: was doing the best that she can. And let me
Speaker 5: tell you, people think forgiveness is like what you were saying.
Speaker 5: I got to move back to South Carolina and figure
Speaker 5: out how to do this with my mom. I forgive
Speaker 5: my father, even though the last word he said to
Speaker 5: me was fuck you. Like I don't need to move
Speaker 5: My father lives in San Diego. Now, I don't need
Speaker 5: to go to San Diego.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: I didn't move here for that purpose.
Speaker 3: But while here now I realized that may have been
Speaker 3: the reason I ended up back.
Speaker 1: Here's what I'm saying.
Speaker 5: Let me tell you how to forgive. Can you tell
Speaker 5: me three things you love about yourself? I mean, like
Speaker 5: deeply love about aj.
Speaker 1: I am funny, okay, I am. I'm a good time
Speaker 1: I believe.
Speaker 2: Am I not nice tits? Oh he wasn't as sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm smart okay, I can cook really well.
Speaker 3: When I think of I'm just thinking about the things
Speaker 3: that make me happy outside of family.
Speaker 5: Can you tell me now, you are obviously a very
Speaker 5: successful thing. You wouldn't have a podcast like this if
Speaker 5: you weren't. What is something you've achieved and or accomplished
Speaker 5: that you are just really proud of and mean something
Speaker 5: to you?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 3: What we're doing right now, like we were just on
Speaker 3: a breakfast club. I just asked Ham early. I'm just like,
Speaker 3: you know, we're gonna go to homecoming. They gonna act
Speaker 3: like we regular, Like y'all niggas ain't been on the
Speaker 3: breakfast club.
Speaker 1: We ain't regular, you know, you know?
Speaker 3: So yes, I'm proud of what we're accomplishing with this podcast,
Speaker 3: even though some people may you know, be out here
Speaker 3: trying to dumb it down. But it's a lot of work.
Speaker 3: It's a lot of hard work, and we're actually doing
Speaker 3: it and we've been dedicated to it. And I'm gonna
Speaker 3: tell you I got a problem. I got commitment issues.
Speaker 3: I also have a problem with executing. Right, So, having
Speaker 3: had done this thing this long and sticking with it
Speaker 3: no matter what's going on, that's a huge accomplishment for me.
Speaker 1: And I can't say that no one, no one close
Speaker 1: to me, like family wise, has congratulated me on it.
Speaker 5: Okay, aj, I could almost get emotional now, like listening
Speaker 5: to you talk about it, like that's crazy. The way
Speaker 5: you forgive is I want you to find a way
Speaker 5: to be grateful for your mother for all of those
Speaker 5: wonderful things you just described about yourself. That's how you forgive.
Speaker 5: I can do that, and that I'll arguable because then
Speaker 5: you end up being like, gratefulness is one of the
Speaker 5: most amazing things in the world because once you place
Speaker 5: and gratitude, it leaks out everywhere and then you don't
Speaker 5: argue with people. Let me tell you why you argue,
Speaker 5: not you, AJ, but like human beings. Right. So, and
Speaker 5: I'm gonna put it in the dating context, right, So,
Speaker 5: Let's say, AJ, you meet someone and you are really
Speaker 5: into this person, you're really dating this person. In the
Speaker 5: beginning of the relationship, all you see is goodness about them,
Speaker 5: and then after a while they just turn into like
Speaker 5: that nigga that won't put the toilet c down. And
Speaker 5: you know, but when you attitude of gratefulness, they never
Speaker 5: stop shining. And the reason you argue with someone is
Speaker 5: you are talking to someone and you were in that moment,
Speaker 5: You're no longer seeing the shine on them. And gratefulness
Speaker 5: is such a powerful weapon to our healing because all
Speaker 5: you start seeing is shining. And I'm at a place
Speaker 5: right now like I'm grateful for all of it. My
Speaker 5: mother is the most amazing human being I've ever known,
Speaker 5: and my father beat the shit out of me, but
Speaker 5: I'm so grateful for every thing that has ever happened
Speaker 5: to me because it brought me to this moment right now.
Speaker 5: If I could redo my childhood, I would pick my
Speaker 5: exact same father and my exact same mother because I'm
Speaker 5: so grateful to every lesson I learned because it put
Speaker 5: me on this path. And AJ, you are doing things
Speaker 5: that no one gets to do, Like people can't just
Speaker 5: go to the breakfast club, just have a black effect podcast.
Speaker 5: People can't just break family patterns and wounds. You're doing
Speaker 5: all of that, and you have to be grateful for
Speaker 5: every single thing that contributed to it, not just the
Speaker 5: positive ones.
Speaker 3: Right, And so I am grateful, right, But when you're
Speaker 3: dealing with I'm grateful and I have a tremendous amount
Speaker 3: of self awareness. Right, But then I am and I'm
Speaker 3: in a family where not everybody does, and you feel
Speaker 3: like you can't just discard your family, so I take refue.
Speaker 3: I mean you can, and you feel like you can,
Speaker 3: is what I said, right, So I do take refuge
Speaker 3: and making sure I surround myself with people who are
Speaker 3: a little bit more like minded, which is also like
Speaker 3: a problem for people who are actually related to me.
Speaker 3: They don't like that term, but that's how If people
Speaker 3: don't get you, it's gonna always be turmoil.
Speaker 1: So whoever it may be, you have to surround yourself
Speaker 1: with people who get you.
Speaker 3: Right, So there's no issues, And I'm not saying it's
Speaker 3: never gonna to be a problem, but it's minimal and
Speaker 3: y'all able to get through it, see the bigger picture
Speaker 3: and move on, right.
Speaker 1: So we're dealing with seventy year old people. It's a
Speaker 1: little bit different.
Speaker 5: No, I think that's true. But number one hundredson agree
Speaker 5: with you. You got to spend time around people that
Speaker 5: resonate with you. Number two you can just use I
Speaker 5: told my niece recently.
Speaker 1: Yes, it don't matter who it is.
Speaker 3: If this person is not making you happy, they're not
Speaker 3: a ray of sunshine when they come around, you don't
Speaker 3: have to deal with them.
Speaker 1: That's even your mom anybody.
Speaker 5: That's true. If you do not trigger healthiness in me,
Speaker 5: I don't want to engage with you. And the third
Speaker 5: thing I would say, your mother, How do I say
Speaker 5: this the next time your mother is yelling at you
Speaker 5: and not being nice or whatever she might do. I
Speaker 5: want you to find the thing even in that moment,
Speaker 5: that you would be grateful for, Like, I'm so glad
Speaker 5: I had a mom that showed me this is not
Speaker 5: how I want to live the rest of my life.
Speaker 4: That's so hard because in that moment you're like, I'm
Speaker 4: so grateful that she gonna get the fuck out of
Speaker 4: my face.
Speaker 2: And just the same you know, like it's so hard
Speaker 2: to do those things in the moment.
Speaker 5: Good, that's true. I think that's true, but that's how
Speaker 5: you know. Like the thing I'm most I've written books,
Speaker 5: I've had, made millions of dollars, like I've done crazy things.
Speaker 5: I am most proud of the fact that I've never
Speaker 5: put my hands on a woman ever. And that might
Speaker 5: sound stupid, but I'm most proud of that because I
Speaker 5: lived in a home where I saw domestic violence. And
Speaker 5: I remember in the seventh grade, I went to an
Speaker 5: assembly y'all remember when they used to like bring all
Speaker 5: everybody out of tam And that particular lecture was about
Speaker 5: domestic violence. And the lecturer that day said, if you
Speaker 5: live in a home and there's domestic violence, you're fifty
Speaker 5: two times more likely to be the perpetrator of domestic violence.
Speaker 5: I'll never forget here. And I remember sitting in my
Speaker 5: seat almost crying, like, man, I'm fucked. I'm fifty two
Speaker 5: times more likely to be a perpetrator of domestic violence.
Speaker 5: Now here, I am a forty six. I have never
Speaker 5: put my hands on a woman in anger ever.
Speaker 2: But have you ever wanted to slap a bitch like girl?
Speaker 1: If you don't get or.
Speaker 2: I God, I'm gonna knock across the county.
Speaker 1: So you ain't never shuck a bitch.
Speaker 5: No, that is, I've never done it, never done it.
Speaker 5: And where did I learn that? I learned that from
Speaker 5: watching my father and realizing I don't want to be
Speaker 5: like that. Yeah, and I'm grateful for that lesson, as
Speaker 5: ridiculous as that sounds, and mastering your own perception is
Speaker 5: having the ability to, in real time say, I'm so
Speaker 5: grateful my mother taught me how horrible it is to
Speaker 5: yell at people. That's why I don't want to yell
Speaker 5: at Tam, That's why I don't want to yell at
Speaker 5: my close friends. That's why I don't want to you
Speaker 5: know what I mean, Aja, Like I don't. I learned
Speaker 5: how hurtful yelling is because my mother taught me. She
Speaker 5: could have taught me in a healthier way, but this
Speaker 5: is the way I learned it. I'm so grateful. I
Speaker 5: am not going to perpetrate this any further.
Speaker 1: That's still not my normal like go to setting though.
Speaker 3: It's like things that get me there, right, and it
Speaker 3: comes with the lack of the lack of respect you
Speaker 3: start having for somebody, Right, That's that's really where yelling
Speaker 3: and arguing and stuff things happen. And then you so
Speaker 3: you have to find a way I guess to get
Speaker 3: back the respect because I don't want to essentially disrespect
Speaker 3: somebody I love.
Speaker 1: I don't, no, but you have.
Speaker 5: You have to find a way to limit that person's
Speaker 5: access to you, Like if I'm continuing to disrespect you,
Speaker 5: Like if I come to your house and you tell
Speaker 5: me to take my shoes off at the front door,
Speaker 5: and every single time I come to your house, I'm like, man,
Speaker 5: fuck that, I'm gonna walk in here?
Speaker 1: How I want to tuck your couch? Fuck your couch.
Speaker 5: Eventually you should stop inviting me to your house, right, Yeah,
Speaker 5: So I think you have to think about if it's
Speaker 5: not my normal go to it's a process of me
Speaker 5: losing respect for a person, why are you allowing people
Speaker 5: that you've lost respect for to have access to you?
Speaker 1: Sometimes obligation, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: And then also, I guess understandomes you also have to
Speaker 3: maybe see other people's perspective and how they perceive it, right,
Speaker 3: And now again that comes with respecting that person enough
Speaker 3: to see that they may have perceived a situation totally
Speaker 3: different from how you perceived it.
Speaker 5: Correct. Yeah, but I'm also not talking about access in
Speaker 5: terms of proximal Like the event I met you at,
Speaker 5: there was a ton of people there. Let's say I
Speaker 5: had to be for with one of them. I can
Speaker 5: show up at the event and not give that person
Speaker 5: access to my heart, to my mind. I can just
Speaker 5: be around them, But you don't have access to the
Speaker 5: things that are important. You don't have access to my spirit, right.
Speaker 1: Right. Yeah, I gotta work on it.
Speaker 3: I gotta work on it. All that stuff stem from childhood.
Speaker 3: I think we are all like younger than our parents,
Speaker 3: but we're so much older and energy.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. I feel like I'm a
Speaker 1: couple thousand years old. Like I know I'm older than
Speaker 1: my parents.
Speaker 2: I know my parents.
Speaker 5: Anybody put it like that, Yeah, I've never heard, but
Speaker 5: I feel like we all deal with it. Nobody gets
Speaker 5: through life without trauma, scars and wounds. The trick is,
Speaker 5: don't live your life from the perspective of your trauma,
Speaker 5: scars and wounds. Mmmm.
Speaker 4: I just see me now, Like when I'm going on
Speaker 4: another date or something and they're late and i haven't
Speaker 4: heard from them, and I'm just sitting there.
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna be sitting there, like I forgive you, daddy.
Speaker 2: I forgive you, daddy.
Speaker 1: Shut up. I'm so sick of you.
Speaker 2: That's how I'm gonna handle it. So I don't go on.
Speaker 1: And depending on who that man is, you probably gonna
Speaker 1: have a lot of grace for him. Very clear. You
Speaker 1: treating the ones that could be treat like that.
Speaker 5: Across the board. If you're gonna be late. That's one
Speaker 5: of my triggers.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, just it's not just. It's not just late.
Speaker 2: It's like saying you're gonna do something and then not
Speaker 2: doing it and then not speaking it.
Speaker 5: Tell them that and it's and by the way, tam,
Speaker 5: it is okay to have triggers like that is what
Speaker 5: we all have them, like we all we all have.
Speaker 5: One of my triggers is if you get mad at me,
Speaker 5: don't call me the next day me like, hey man,
Speaker 5: what you doing, because my I have to resolve the
Speaker 5: thing that we argued about the last time we talked.
Speaker 5: And the reason that I have that is my father
Speaker 5: used to beat this shit out of me all night
Speaker 5: and then I'd wake up in the morning. He'd be like,
Speaker 5: what do you want on your French toe, son? And
Speaker 5: I'd be like, what, No, we have to resolution to
Speaker 5: what happened last night. That is a trigger for mine,
Speaker 5: and I'm okay with that trigger. So it's perfectly reasonable
Speaker 5: to tell somebody that you were wanting date. I'm someone
Speaker 5: you need to follow through with the ship you say,
Speaker 5: or I may cuss you up. You need to tell
Speaker 5: him that, and that's okay. That doesn't make you unhealed.
Speaker 5: That doesn't mean it's something wrong with you. It just
Speaker 5: means you're honoring your past experiences and we all have them.
Speaker 2: Okay, And that won't scare a nigga off.
Speaker 1: It'll stare the wrong nigga off, right exactly, We.
Speaker 5: Will say the right one will say thank you for
Speaker 5: telling me. I'm gonna do every I have such a
Speaker 5: desire to be with you. I will work really hard
Speaker 5: to make sure I don't trigger you in that way.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because that's like beating up a kid for not
Speaker 3: cleaning their room, but you never showed him how to
Speaker 3: clean their room, so like you beating him up for
Speaker 3: doing some shit he didn't know that would But I mean,
Speaker 3: it's it's common courtesy as far as I'm concerned.
Speaker 1: If you're gonna be late, hit me up.
Speaker 5: But what if I can't what if I can't. What
Speaker 5: if I'm so busy on ways dealing with LA traffic
Speaker 5: that I was nervous to call you.
Speaker 1: And in jail, some bad batter happened, right who died?
Speaker 5: But look, I don't want to It goes back to
Speaker 5: what I said earlier, Tam, I don't want to call you,
Speaker 5: and you answered the phone like I don't want.
Speaker 2: To call you and do that you come elieve with
Speaker 2: the bullshit what happened.
Speaker 5: I don't want to call you that. I don't want
Speaker 5: to call you that. But the right person will hear
Speaker 5: you say that and will honor all of your requests
Speaker 5: and wishes. And we all have them. Just because you
Speaker 5: have a trigger doesn't mean it's something wrong you need
Speaker 5: to fix. It just means that's part of who you are,
Speaker 5: it's part of your story, that's part of your journey.
Speaker 4: That's interesting because I always thought like triggers were ship
Speaker 4: we had to change.
Speaker 5: Like, no, we all have them. There is no way
Speaker 5: to de triggerify your life. There's just no way to
Speaker 5: do that. We all have them, so we all have
Speaker 5: to live by them, we all have to own them.
Speaker 5: We all have to recognize like this is who I am.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 5: One of my times control tam, You and I probably
Speaker 5: could never date because I'm super spontaneous and I run
Speaker 5: late all the time. My one of my triggers is
Speaker 5: being controlled. I do not like. It makes me feel claustrophobic,
Speaker 5: makes me feel me because of the childhood I had.
Speaker 5: And I don't have to fix that. I just have
Speaker 5: to make sure I find people that don't control me.
Speaker 2: So you feel like telling somebody if you're going to
Speaker 2: be late is being controlled?
Speaker 5: Yes? I do for sure.
Speaker 1: Damn I do too.
Speaker 2: Man.
Speaker 1: I feel like if I got to keep checking in
Speaker 1: with you, I feel some type of way like.
Speaker 5: You're telling me what.
Speaker 2: It's telling you what to do by not being late.
Speaker 2: So are you? So let me ask you this.
Speaker 4: If you have appointments with your clients, do you are
Speaker 4: you accountable to them about time?
Speaker 5: I'm I'm late for everything. I was late to this.
Speaker 5: I'm I'm late to everything, and it's not my fault.
Speaker 5: I was sitting here, man, I'm sitting at my dead
Speaker 5: at this little table, working, and I was like, man,
Speaker 5: let me go ahead and jump on a few minutes early.
Speaker 5: And I jumped on and and Chrome made me update
Speaker 5: and I was like that's just me, right, that shit happens.
Speaker 5: Shit happens, that's just my personality.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I would be there trying to choke slam
Speaker 2: come a little closer.
Speaker 5: But that's like, you have to know who you are
Speaker 5: and being in a relationship with people who can extentum
Speaker 5: and love you, including your flow. It's not gonna work
Speaker 5: if every time you called a dude to come over,
Speaker 5: you end up wanting to hit him in the head with.
Speaker 1: A baseball, Right, they used to like that club very quick.
Speaker 5: It ain't gonna work if that's the dynamics.
Speaker 1: The love that.
Speaker 3: I had a guy telling me to text me the
Speaker 3: other day, like, and I'm misconscrewing what he's saying.
Speaker 1: Via text message, because first of all, it's text.
Speaker 3: So you leave it till you read it to interpret
Speaker 3: what the fuck it is you're actually trying to say.
Speaker 1: So he was like, you know, you got to cuss
Speaker 1: me out sometimes, like you got it put. I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: that's not what I want to do.
Speaker 3: That's what his mom too, That's what I'm saying, Like
Speaker 3: he wants somebody to check him, but why are you
Speaker 3: doing things that I got to check you about?
Speaker 5: I would have a different question. My question for me
Speaker 5: would be why are you in a relationships with someone
Speaker 5: who can't accept the kind of love that you give?
Speaker 5: And I'll give you an example. Clinically, I was doing
Speaker 5: Sometimes couples come to therapy with things that are just
Speaker 5: kind of off the wall, and I was doing therapy
Speaker 5: with this couple and she was like, I'm so mad
Speaker 5: at him because he won't hit me. And this was
Speaker 5: like the nicest dude you ever met in your life.
Speaker 5: And it turns out that her father was a abusive,
Speaker 5: her boyfriends have all been abusive, and her first husband
Speaker 5: was abusive. So now she's in a relationship with this
Speaker 5: guy who just oozes niceness and kindness, and she's like,
Speaker 5: I can't make him mad enough to hit me, which
Speaker 5: makes me think he doesn't care about me. You have
Speaker 5: to heal from that stuff. So if some guy AJ
Speaker 5: is telling you I need you to cuss me out sometimes,
Speaker 5: and you are overtly saying but I'm trying not to
Speaker 5: be an arguer, he is now disqualified for being your
Speaker 5: life partner.
Speaker 1: Oh, I already know you know what I'm saying. I
Speaker 1: already know.
Speaker 3: I actually had to go back to the messages because
Speaker 3: it started with him saying I want you to be
Speaker 3: crazy about me.
Speaker 5: And I said why, that's exactly my part.
Speaker 1: And I said why he was like, if you fuck
Speaker 1: with me, I need you to know. I need to
Speaker 1: know you don't play about me.
Speaker 3: I said, I shouldn't be put in a position to
Speaker 3: display how much I don't play about you. Like what,
Speaker 3: you know what, I'm always giving therapy to niggas, first
Speaker 3: of all, and even when I leave them, it's therapy
Speaker 3: for them.
Speaker 1: I gonna try to be bad next time.
Speaker 4: I know a girl who uh she had her child's
Speaker 4: father was physically abusive, and she posted pictures on social.
Speaker 2: Media and how he beat her and it was really
Speaker 2: sad to see. And she left and moved to another town.
Speaker 4: And then she was with another guy and she's posting
Speaker 4: pictures of how he beat her too, And then she
Speaker 4: went with another guy.
Speaker 2: And then I started to think, like, is there something
Speaker 2: in her about her?
Speaker 5: That is for sure? You know, for sure? As people,
Speaker 5: we choose what is comfortable, not what is healthy. That's
Speaker 5: just what we do as people. We do what's comfortable,
Speaker 5: not what is healthy. So if I'm used to an angry,
Speaker 5: abusive dynamic, then I choose what is comfortable, not what
Speaker 5: is healthy?
Speaker 1: Mmmm?
Speaker 2: So okay, I have one more question. This is about
Speaker 2: to get deep in my shit on my cray.
Speaker 5: There we go.
Speaker 4: So I keep entertaining people who are unavailable in some way,
Speaker 4: like they're all the way in la or are they
Speaker 4: I ain't really interested in the in ces right now,
Speaker 4: or just just newly divorced, or you know, not ready
Speaker 4: to get into anything. And these are the people I
Speaker 4: keep entertaining, And I keep asking myself why am I
Speaker 4: only entertaining people that are unavailable in some way?
Speaker 2: Does that mean I'm unavailable in some way too?
Speaker 5: My first, my first I'll answer that in a second,
Speaker 5: But I have two qualifying questions. First, my first question
Speaker 5: is why do you think you do that?
Speaker 2: I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 4: I'll look up and I'd be like, shit, I'm doing it,
Speaker 4: And fuck again. You know I'm entertaining to someone who
Speaker 4: isn't available.
Speaker 2: In the way. Why am I entertaining a guy who's
Speaker 2: all the way in fucking London?
Speaker 1: Can I tell you the therapy I gave her? She
Speaker 1: likes unattainability.
Speaker 3: She likes that she likes men who are unattainable, and
Speaker 3: the available guy is not appealing.
Speaker 5: Well, that brings my second question. Do you yourself have
Speaker 5: unconscious commitment issues? Oh?
Speaker 2: I definitely a conscious I definitely have commitment. I'm gonna commit.
Speaker 2: I have fear of commitment.
Speaker 4: I don't know what it sparks from, but I definitely
Speaker 4: have fear. I always feel like I'm gonna choose the
Speaker 4: wrong person and I'm gonna look up and I've been
Speaker 4: with someone I've given invested all this time into someone
Speaker 4: who wasn't right or that's my biggest fear, like I'm
Speaker 4: gonna choose wrong.
Speaker 5: But that's the answer, because you protect yourself from choosing
Speaker 5: wrong by choosing people you can't have.
Speaker 2: MM, So how do I fix that?
Speaker 5: How old are you ask you that?
Speaker 2: No? No, you can't.
Speaker 1: Oh the fucking enough, grow your ass up tomorrow.
Speaker 2: I'm late thirty somewhere in there.
Speaker 5: All right, what's the longest relationship you've ever had?
Speaker 2: So, I've had Like, so I was with I don't
Speaker 2: know if this counts. I was with one guy from
Speaker 2: sixty to twenty six, and then I was with another
Speaker 2: guy from twenty nine to thirty three. Thirty. Yeah, so
Speaker 2: then after that I've been single, completely single ever since.
Speaker 5: No, dates at all.
Speaker 4: Oh no, I done had situationshifts, sneaky legs, things like that,
Speaker 4: but not anything. I haven't posted anybody on my social
Speaker 4: media system.
Speaker 2: Let's just say that.
Speaker 5: God, okay, I would say, you have to risk choosing
Speaker 5: the wrong one to choose the right one, and you
Speaker 5: have to trust yourself when I realize it's the wrong one,
Speaker 5: I'll be able to get out of it.
Speaker 4: But that's the thing, all right, and right, let me
Speaker 4: tell you my fear. So when I lock in with
Speaker 4: someone like that, I lock in for dear life. I
Speaker 4: don't want to let go. I stick it out for
Speaker 4: all the bullshit, all the red flags. I'll be just
Speaker 4: locked in so hard, and I don't know how to
Speaker 4: I don't know how to let go when I go there.
Speaker 4: So that's why it fears me to go there.
Speaker 5: I think we should change that that dynamic, so you'll know,
Speaker 5: if I choose a guy and I notice red flags,
Speaker 5: I'm gonna learn how to let go so I can
Speaker 5: choose the next guy, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Like, that's where I'm at. I think so Tammy thinks
Speaker 1: I'm a she thinks I'm much well.
Speaker 3: I call myself a I call her a serial monogamous, okay,
Speaker 3: because I well, and it's traditional trinogamy. I mean it's
Speaker 3: it's modern day monogamy where you fuck with one person
Speaker 3: at a time, right, because I don't have the emotional
Speaker 3: energy like to give to multiple people. Right, So if
Speaker 3: I if I connect with somebody, I try to see
Speaker 3: what's up. What I'm learning now is that I don't
Speaker 3: have a whole year for anybody else anymore. Right, So
Speaker 3: the last situationship I was in lasted maybe about a
Speaker 3: year and like thirteen months or something like that. So
Speaker 3: like now this situation or whatever, if and it's cool,
Speaker 3: if it's not looking right, I know I need to
Speaker 3: get out earlier, right because I, like Tam just said, like,
Speaker 3: you'll stay in relationships longer the shit been expired and
Speaker 3: you just sticking it out. But you don't have to
Speaker 3: constantly compromise with people, you don't, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: Station your ship then with it, y'all need to part ways.
Speaker 3: But you get comfortable and familiar and you just start
Speaker 3: hanging out. So now I guess my thing is just
Speaker 3: getting a funk out earlier.
Speaker 1: I'm ana lock in. I like new relationships.
Speaker 3: I like first dates I like all that shit, and
Speaker 3: then I'm a lock in and I'm gonna get the
Speaker 3: fuck out, and.
Speaker 2: Now locking with nobody, I'll be like, who is this O?
Speaker 6: Hey, I'm sorry you saying your number yet you ain't
Speaker 6: maybe that far in my life.
Speaker 1: And I'm knowing who's next up on the agenda? Okay, I.
Speaker 5: Knowing thegenda is probably the greatest thing I've ever.
Speaker 1: Heard in my whole I be knowing, like, shit, what's up?
Speaker 5: Just trust your intuition and take action on your intuition,
Speaker 5: cause you know, like y'all know, like this person isn't
Speaker 5: for me, but I'm bored or I like one aspect
Speaker 5: of that, but you know they're not. They're not good
Speaker 5: for you. You should go, you should go. I went
Speaker 5: to college with a guy who became a police detective,
Speaker 5: and one day I was like, Bro, what's the coolest
Speaker 5: thing you've learned you've been a police detective? And he said,
Speaker 5: I think women truly have an intuition that men don't have.
Speaker 5: And I was like, what makes you say that? He said,
Speaker 5: every time I go to a crime scene where a
Speaker 5: woman was murdered by their ex, they've always called someone
Speaker 5: to say if something happens to me. Tonight. I was
Speaker 5: with so and so and he was like, why would
Speaker 5: they go to somebody's house where they felt like they
Speaker 5: had to let their friends know where they were? And
Speaker 5: it's because we don't listen to our tuition. And when
Speaker 5: y'all first are on a date and you realize this
Speaker 5: ain't somebody I want to be dating for long term,
Speaker 5: don't go on another date, just move the fuck on,
Speaker 5: Just go on to the next dynamic and.
Speaker 3: I'd be like six flags, red flags, Like six flags, bitch,
Speaker 3: let's go.
Speaker 5: No, you need to fall up and love. Love is
Speaker 5: the greatest, most powerful and amazing force on this planet.
Speaker 5: It is worth all the risks, fears and anxieties. You
Speaker 5: just have to learn how to find the person to
Speaker 5: go all in on and stop going all in on
Speaker 5: these wrong people, like they're just wrong.
Speaker 2: I just won't go all in on nobody now. I'm
Speaker 2: afraid I don't want to end up.
Speaker 4: I always have this fear that Ashley AJ is going
Speaker 4: to be on an episode of First forty eight saying yeah.
Speaker 2: I remember being on on there with her and Elliott
Speaker 2: and she was saying that she was gonna killing nigga.
Speaker 2: If you play with her, and I just don't that
Speaker 2: between me and you.
Speaker 3: I ain't getting caught. I told y'all, I got that
Speaker 3: that M for h money, murder for hyo. Okay, I'm
Speaker 3: not getting caught.
Speaker 5: That's the only difference is I'm not getting caught.
Speaker 1: Why you manifested getting caught, Nigga, Like we're not getting caught.
Speaker 5: Go back to like, I'm not like you. I'm not
Speaker 5: gonna kill nobody. Can we start there? Good? Look, life,
Speaker 5: like you're young enough. Both of y'all are young enough.
Speaker 5: And I can tell you this with a one hundred
Speaker 5: percent certainty from my clinical practice. I've talked to sixty
Speaker 5: seventy eighty year old Being alone is the worst experience ever.
Speaker 5: Life is meant to be lived.
Speaker 1: In love double occupancy.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so right now, you're young, you're vibrant. You don't
Speaker 5: want to turn seventy one and realize like, oh shit,
Speaker 5: I'm by myself in here.
Speaker 3: But you also don't want to turn seventy one and
Speaker 3: be with the wrong person all that time, because then.
Speaker 5: Listen to me telling you how to find the healthy relationship.
Speaker 5: Because I agree, you don't want to be seventy one
Speaker 5: with the wrong person. But people have come to therapy,
Speaker 5: and I'm telling you the regret they have is not
Speaker 5: not choosing a life partner. And they went at it
Speaker 5: alone and before you know it.
Speaker 4: Fuck seventy one. I don't want to be forty one
Speaker 4: in this bitch by myself. I be acting like I'm okay,
Speaker 4: But when I'm in here, eat my dinner at my little.
Speaker 2: Tree table, watch your sisters, cary myself, I be feeling it.
Speaker 5: Yeah, Like I want you guys to understand that love
Speaker 5: is worth the risk. Love is the greatest thing in
Speaker 5: the world. Life is meant to be lived with love.
Speaker 5: So take that chance and know if I go on
Speaker 5: a date with a person and I don't like this person,
Speaker 5: I don't ever have to see this motherfucker again ever.
Speaker 5: And I can keep going until I meet that person
Speaker 5: where I'm like, damn, like this is it? Like I
Speaker 5: didn't know that I could feel this way about someone
Speaker 5: who is healthy and makes me feel good and lifts
Speaker 5: me up. Find that you deserve it, y'all. Y'all deserve it.
Speaker 2: Do you think we could be too picky? Is there
Speaker 2: such thing as that?
Speaker 4: It's like, girl, you're not gonna find anyone because your
Speaker 4: requirements are not achievable.
Speaker 2: Is that possible.
Speaker 5: I suppose it's possible, but it's much less likely than
Speaker 5: the opposite. I would rather you be too picky than
Speaker 5: too loose. It's okay to have standards, In fact, it's necessary.
Speaker 5: If someone is not gonna be turned on to the
Speaker 5: stuff you're turned on to, then move on and go
Speaker 5: find a healthy relationship and never ever forget life is
Speaker 5: meant to be lived in companionship. Way to say this, but.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we went on way too long. But listen, Elliott.
Speaker 3: We have a segment in our show it's dumb Bitch stories, right,
Speaker 3: and then the equivalent to that is simp series. So
Speaker 3: we like to hear stories from men and women about
Speaker 3: the time that they got played in a relationship. Doesn't
Speaker 3: make you a simp for real, right, just somebody took
Speaker 3: advantage of a good guy. And we don't want any
Speaker 3: goddamn high school stories. Okay, we want some adult shit
Speaker 3: that altered some shit in you. So you did the psychotherapist, like,
Speaker 3: made you move a little bit different?
Speaker 2: Why are you thinking about that? Are you married now?
Speaker 2: Are you in a relationship now?
Speaker 5: I'm in a relationship now? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Oh shit?
Speaker 5: Okay, okay, I'm thinking, I know, thank you.
Speaker 1: How long you How long you been in your current relationship?
Speaker 5: A long time?
Speaker 1: Oh okay, so I got it.
Speaker 5: You say you don't any high school stories, but I
Speaker 5: gotta go back to high school. That's that's how long
Speaker 5: I've been not single. I gotta go back to high school.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, God damn okay.
Speaker 5: Tell when I was in high school and this this
Speaker 5: shit fucked me up bad, like it messages me to
Speaker 5: this day. When I was in high school, I had
Speaker 5: a crush on this girl named Sarah. Sarah was like
Speaker 5: the hot girl on the soccer team, like and when
Speaker 5: you're a guy like you, you just have no thoughts
Speaker 5: that Sarah's gonna ever like you. So I didn't tell nobody.
Speaker 5: And one day I came to school and my boys
Speaker 5: ran up to me, was like, hey, man, Sarah likes you.
Speaker 5: So I was like, dope, Sarah. I asked Sarah to
Speaker 5: go out. Sarah became my girlfriend for like two weeks,
Speaker 5: and then we just randomly broke up. I didn't understand
Speaker 5: why whatever. About six months later, I find out that
Speaker 5: one of the guys in my crew slipt with Sarah
Speaker 5: and another dude in my crew knew about it, and
Speaker 5: nobody told me. So to this day, I have trust
Speaker 5: issues with people telling me because actually the thing that
Speaker 5: hurt me so much wasn't so much her sleeping with
Speaker 5: whatever it was. My boy knew it did not, so
Speaker 5: I feel like she played me. I see on Facebook
Speaker 5: still and I ain't gonna lie. Like y'all know, Envy
Speaker 5: is probably the pettiest motherfucker I ever lived on Earth, Right,
Speaker 5: I have to admit I got a little bit of
Speaker 5: that pettiness to me because I'd be on Facebook seeing
Speaker 5: her fucked up life and I'd be.
Speaker 4: Like, excellent, excellent, Sarah, she smashed a holdie like that
Speaker 4: ray J when they called out.
Speaker 5: That girl, I could not be like, yes, I feel
Speaker 5: like that at all. But if I'm being very honest,
Speaker 5: I see her Facebook posts and I'd be like, that's
Speaker 5: what you mean. But that was probably the most like
Speaker 5: shook that I that I ever was, and it did
Speaker 5: impact how I how I treat my because now, and
Speaker 5: I know it's because of that, my super duper close friends,
Speaker 5: like I value them so much and I only have
Speaker 5: a few of them, but my super duper close friends.
Speaker 5: That was when I learned like not everybody who's your
Speaker 5: friend is your is your friend, not everybody who's in
Speaker 5: your corners in your corner.
Speaker 2: Oh, I agree. I just learned that lesson too.
Speaker 5: I still learn it, like, you know, becoming successful. And
Speaker 5: I mean I'm obviously I'm not the most successful person
Speaker 5: in the world, but I'm more successful anybody else. I know,
Speaker 5: anybody else I went to high school as grow up with.
Speaker 5: They'd be acting weird when you get successful.
Speaker 1: And it don't be you changing as everybody else.
Speaker 5: Yeah, And I see people like I can see y'all
Speaker 5: not clapping like I hear the ship y'all saying. It
Speaker 5: always trips me out to when people they talk about
Speaker 5: my social media, but I don't ever see them liking
Speaker 5: or sharing nothing, like so you watch everything I'll post,
Speaker 5: but I don't see you watching the share and nothing.
Speaker 5: I find that all weird. But I got some people
Speaker 5: that are like super duper down and that experience is
Speaker 5: where I learned you got to keep your circle super tight.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like my Facebook, I got like four thousand people
Speaker 4: on my Facebook that are people that I actually know. Like,
Speaker 4: I leave my Facebook for people that I actually know
Speaker 4: that I grew up with. I've encountered you in some
Speaker 4: former fashion and when we posted that we were doing
Speaker 4: Breakfast Club, I got twenty likes, thirty likes. It's like, damn,
Speaker 4: you went to school with me, our whole life and
Speaker 4: you only thirty people felt the need to love this shit.
Speaker 2: That's wow.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 5: I've been doing stand up with Tiffany Hattters recently. I've
Speaker 5: been on the Breakfast Club. I'm about to announce, you know,
Speaker 5: the partnership with The Black Effect. And I had another book.
Speaker 5: You said I had four books. My fifth book came
Speaker 5: out a little while ago, Like there's all these things
Speaker 5: and I'm like, so me writing a book. I just
Speaker 5: got one hundred, like five thousand of y'all like y'all
Speaker 5: my homies, and y'all ain't ain't clapping and celebrating. And
Speaker 5: the answer is no, because your light, your light triggers
Speaker 5: the insecurity in them, so they don't support you. And
Speaker 5: I always hate when people say, and people say this
Speaker 5: to me all the time, like stay humble, Like no,
Speaker 5: you don't want me to stay home.
Speaker 1: That was actually on my shit.
Speaker 3: That was that I wanted to talk about humble versus narcissist.
Speaker 5: Well, I think, well, narcissism versus humility is humility and
Speaker 5: narcissism aren't super duper linked. But most of the time
Speaker 5: when people tell you to stay humble, what they're really
Speaker 5: saying is you shining is making me uncomfortable. So stop
Speaker 5: making me uncomfortable. And if me shining makes you uncomfortable,
Speaker 5: you wasn't my homie anyway, you wouldn't you wasn't my
Speaker 5: bro anyway, you weren't down with me anyway. But that's
Speaker 5: really what happens is people treat it like that. So
Speaker 5: y'all keep shining and keep winning and keep growing and
Speaker 5: keep glowing. And if people don't like it, that's just
Speaker 5: for them. That's part of the consequences of success.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Man, I really don't be concerned about the public. My
Speaker 1: thing is my family.
Speaker 3: The people who are closest to me. Those are the
Speaker 3: people I want to clap for me. I really don't
Speaker 3: care if people outside of them my family.
Speaker 5: I've got family members struggling right now. I signed a
Speaker 5: TV deal and it is it is reorganized some of
Speaker 5: my family dynamics because they're just not like. People get
Speaker 5: used to who you were and they have a hard
Speaker 5: time with you becoming who you are exactly. I'm just
Speaker 5: not here from it.
Speaker 3: But actually you've probably been this person your whole life, right,
Speaker 3: So your whole life you're I'm just not realizing people
Speaker 3: have been trying to dem my shit, my whole life.
Speaker 3: But the whole time I knew exactly who I was,
Speaker 3: you just didn't, right, So you went out your way
Speaker 3: to try to make me feel like I'm not who
Speaker 3: the fuck I am?
Speaker 4: Okay, Elliott, tell everybody where they can find you, where
Speaker 4: they could get some of your services if possible, your books,
Speaker 4: shout out.
Speaker 5: Everything, love it, love it. Okay. You can find me
Speaker 5: on social media at Elliott Speaks. That's with two l's
Speaker 5: and two t's, Elliot Speaks, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter threads. That's
Speaker 5: where you can find me my YouTube channel. Just search
Speaker 5: my name Elliott Connie and you'll see my YouTube channel.
Speaker 5: Elliott Connie is not a super common name, so it's
Speaker 5: easy to find again to l's two teas, and then
Speaker 5: you can also find whatever you need to about my
Speaker 5: services and my books and who I am at my website,
Speaker 5: which is Elliott Connie dot com.
Speaker 3: Hey, I had one more question, Elliott before we go
Speaker 3: fire away. In those two weeks did you fuck Sarah.
Speaker 5: Or no?
Speaker 1: Did you get the pussy?
Speaker 3: What?
Speaker 1: Two weeks you said your dated Sarah for two weeks?
Speaker 1: Did you get the.
Speaker 3: Pussy at your homeboy? Just smash your girl? I want
Speaker 3: to know, like, did you get the fuck too?
Speaker 4: Out of all things, that could have been your final question,
Speaker 4: and you want to know if he.
Speaker 2: Fucks Sarah or not?
Speaker 5: Man, he actually he stole two girls from me, one
Speaker 5: name Sarah, one name Shannon. He told both of them Elliot,
Speaker 5: don't really like you, Ellie, don't really with you like that?
Speaker 1: And a hater.
Speaker 5: I didn't either of them.
Speaker 2: Damn, damn.
Speaker 5: Yeah, when when you ask these questions like when you
Speaker 5: can play these are triggering. Elliott the same snatched two girls.
Speaker 5: It was terrible. He got them both. I didn't. I didn't.
Speaker 5: I didn't get down without one of them.
Speaker 1: Damn.
Speaker 2: I just needed to know.
Speaker 5: When I was in high school, a J. I appreciate
Speaker 5: that I'm packing.
Speaker 2: Don't unpack, Elliot.
Speaker 1: Ship Like all right, y'all if you enjoyed this episode.
Speaker 5: Myself forties, you make me feel like ship.
Speaker 2: Now AJ doing to you what my therapists had done
Speaker 2: to me that day.
Speaker 5: I just got to tell you we shouldn't do that
Speaker 5: to people over here.
Speaker 3: Well, the solution would be to hit her raggedy ass
Speaker 3: up on Facebook now and see if you can smash
Speaker 3: her and not talk to her no more.
Speaker 1: That's the solution. Brief therapy.
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, don't listen.
Speaker 5: I'm rich.
Speaker 1: I don't have to. Okay, come on your ship. Okay.
Speaker 4: Meanwhile, my screen case is fucked up and I need
Speaker 4: another one, but I'm gonna hold on.
Speaker 2: To it as long as I can.
Speaker 5: Elli.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we had so much fun. Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 4: Thank you for that free therapy session. I'm really gonna
Speaker 4: reach out to you for some more because I feel like.
Speaker 2: I got some more ship to unpack.
Speaker 5: If that's okay, give her my phone.
Speaker 2: Got it?
Speaker 1: Definitely all right, y'all listen.
Speaker 3: If you enjoyed this episode, y'all, tune in every Thursday
Speaker 3: on your iHeartRadio Apple beever the fuck you get your
Speaker 3: podcasts at.
Speaker 1: This is your co host aj Holiday two point zero.
Speaker 3: If you won't follow me on instagrams, y'all, we got
Speaker 3: we talkback eant dot com. Hit us up for some merchandise.
Speaker 3: We got a few other things coming up as well.
Speaker 1: What you got Tam.
Speaker 2: Y'all's official Tambama on Instagram. Y'all please follow me now.
Speaker 2: Y'all remember to speak now and never hold your peace. Deuces.
Speaker 1: Bye,