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Speaker 1: Talk or talk talk.

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Speaker 2: We're just two unapologetically black women with an opinion to talks.

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Speaker 1: What's up, y'all? Thank you for tending them for a

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Speaker 1: new episode and we talked back.

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Speaker 3: The show dedicated to you, Dreamers and Chases the Coach

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Speaker 3: a j Holiday two point oh.

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Speaker 1: If you're nasty, what's up?

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Speaker 4: I'm feeling like you say, like niggas and bitches when

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Speaker 4: your perod on and then when you off, when you're

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Speaker 4: ovulating this Dreamers.

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Speaker 3: And Chasers, who the hell starts to show up talking

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Speaker 3: about my period?

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Speaker 2: Me?

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Speaker 1: You're wicked?

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Speaker 3: Absolutely not. It just depends on how crunk I'm feeling.

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Speaker 3: And shit, if I'm feeling like a real nigga, I

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Speaker 3: might say to you niggas and these home. If I'm

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Speaker 3: feeling a MANIFESTI not a manifesty manifesting. It's Dreamers and

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Speaker 3: Chase you manifested today. I'm manifested today, bitch, I'm sprinkling.

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Speaker 2: Well, what about the weekend? What'd you do over the weekend?

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Speaker 1: You can't hold on? You can't see this bust down metal.

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Speaker 1: You're straight her, y'all.

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Speaker 3: I've never worn a bust down middle Park went straight

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Speaker 3: hair and it looks good.

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Speaker 2: I like it. It's a it's a look, it's a look.

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Speaker 2: It's giving.

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Speaker 3: I went to my best friends Priscilla. Okay, Priscilla is

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Speaker 3: a hairstylist. She works on film The Motherfuckers is on

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Speaker 3: Striker right now along with the writers though, but she

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Speaker 3: turned forty this past week girl, so we had a

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Speaker 3: nice little celebration and she was so beautiful.

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Speaker 2: Bitch.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, she had a wardrobe changes and all types of

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Speaker 3: shit going on.

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Speaker 1: We had a good time.

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Speaker 3: I ruined my weekend, though, so we hung out all

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Speaker 3: Saturday and then I don't know what possessed We went

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Speaker 3: to breakfast at Barney's, me and my other friend, and

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Speaker 3: then I went home and took an edible off her

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Speaker 3: kitchen counter, and that shit put me down from.

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Speaker 1: Six to fucking six.

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Speaker 2: You was in the bed just yes, like.

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Speaker 1: Coulding move Now. I can't say that. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to do it again.

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Speaker 3: I just can't have shit to do because that was

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Speaker 3: a nice little comatose damn feeling what I did all weekend.

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Speaker 1: I'm giving the fuck.

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Speaker 4: I ain't just another iron do shit weekend. I'm like

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Speaker 4: not drinking and I'm not smoking right now, and I'm

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Speaker 4: not having sex and I'm just not so I've been

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Speaker 4: in the house like not nothing, not nothing, reading and

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Speaker 4: going to bed at nine thirty. So that's been my weekend.

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Speaker 4: I don't have nothing and working out. I've been working out,

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Speaker 4: Like last week, I cycled forty miles.

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Speaker 3: Nice, that's the most I ever did any Nice. You

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Speaker 3: gotta bicycle? Why you don't ride your bike any.

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Speaker 4: Because the weather is just so weird, Like one minute

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Speaker 4: it's hot, the next minute is raining.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, pack some water, bit I was packed

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Speaker 1: some water and get outside.

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Speaker 3: But that's all. That's all good. It sounds like you're

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Speaker 3: doing some detoxing. Yeah, unintentional detoxing.

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Speaker 4: So yeah, it wasn't intentional. It's just happening this way. Well,

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Speaker 4: I did remove the penis from my life on purpose.

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Speaker 2: I don't want no male right now.

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Speaker 3: Gorilla Glow was on Angie Martinez Show, and she was saying, like,

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Speaker 3: right before Gorilla Glow, Glorrella.

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Speaker 2: Girl, I don't know what.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure you name Corolla, Gorilla Glue, look look no,

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Speaker 1: but Glorella said, right, but for her little fuck.

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Speaker 3: Nigga free song came out of her and her homegirl

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Speaker 3: like me like a pack like man, we ain't fucking

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Speaker 3: with nobody for six for sixty days. And she said,

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Speaker 3: like meditating and fasting and all types of ship.

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Speaker 2: And then look at.

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Speaker 1: Wallet right where you get these fun boys out your life?

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Speaker 2: Man?

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Speaker 1: Because men definitely, I guess they feel the same way

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Speaker 1: about women. Could be a distraction, a bad relationship.

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Speaker 4: I'm just gonna stay away everybody from everybody intol. Drake

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Speaker 4: get here next month. So there's sad. You heard your

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Speaker 4: hair set it up?

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Speaker 1: Huh you already set it up?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I set that up. That's emotion. That's emotion.

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Speaker 3: Maybe I watch I would come to your fucking house.

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Speaker 3: You got a Drake name in a jar somewhere, and that.

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Speaker 2: Is that something to do? Is that something I can do?

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Speaker 1: I will put it in.

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Speaker 3: Drake gonna come to Charlae? Like why do I keep

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Speaker 3: thinking about this person named Tamala?

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Speaker 1: Like what is happening? I just gotta find her. He

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Speaker 1: ain't gonna know why.

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Speaker 3: Drake gonna beat hit his Instagram story, Tamala, Tamala, are

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Speaker 3: you if you're out there?

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Speaker 2: Hear me?

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Speaker 4: I'm here, baby, I got this meanwhile me while I

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Speaker 4: got his name in a jar with a chicken head

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Speaker 4: or some shit we's stirring that ship up, y'all.

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Speaker 2: That's jokes.

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Speaker 4: I would never do anything like that because I don't

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Speaker 4: know how to because I don't know if I knew

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Speaker 4: how to get.

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Speaker 1: Attention as everything. Yeah, I just intention as everything manifesting.

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Speaker 2: With my thoughts, not no chicken head. Let's get into

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Speaker 2: stupid internet news.

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Speaker 1: What we got going on?

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Speaker 2: Child?

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Speaker 4: Oh, Bob Barker died from the Price Is Right. That's

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Speaker 4: like a piece of my childhood dying. When my grandma

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Speaker 4: used to babysit me. We watched Price Is Right, Young

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Speaker 4: and the Restless, General Hospital, Days of our.

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Speaker 2: Lives and all mash.

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Speaker 3: That's not like my un birthday girl in the back

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Speaker 3: of the restaurant. We got a soul for restaurant here

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Speaker 3: in Charleston, that's all. She used to watch that same

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Speaker 3: little liner. What happened to the daytime shows?

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Speaker 2: They still come on? Do they?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: You just out living? That's what grandma.

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Speaker 3: What's the last time you've seen a daytime show? And

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Speaker 3: who are the characters now?

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Speaker 2: Victor Newman is still getting it? What?

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Speaker 1: I don't believe.

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Speaker 2: Young and Restless they need to.

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Speaker 4: Call that old and rest Y're old and rested because y'all.

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Speaker 2: Y'all should have rested by this point.

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Speaker 1: I had to look that up and see if it's

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Speaker 1: actually God.

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Speaker 2: I don't believe they still come on.

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Speaker 1: Who's watching that? Like, how do they have the rating?

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Speaker 2: There's still people like getting older and watching that ship?

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Speaker 3: I don't watch, right, Pat Man, I always wanted to

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Speaker 3: go on prices right, he too, like I in my mind,

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Speaker 3: I know how to play all the fucking games and

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Speaker 3: Ilko Blinko, Yeah, I.

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Speaker 1: Love playing always be fucking up.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and don't it's concerned, like you can't guess they'd

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Speaker 4: be like, how much is this fucking vacuum cleaner? Is

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Speaker 4: it more than eighty dollars or less than eighty dollars?

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Speaker 4: And this this vacuum cleaner got Bluetooth screened on it.

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Speaker 4: It kid, it got hos, it got all kinds of shit.

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Speaker 2: It's more than eighty dollars.

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Speaker 4: Clearly, why are you to my least stand? I used

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Speaker 4: to be so mad at them people, even as a

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Speaker 4: little kid. And Plinko I used to love that game too.

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Speaker 4: But rest of pizza Bot Barker, he was ninety nine

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Speaker 4: years old. He had a long, good life, So that's

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Speaker 4: a blessing. He stayed right up onder a dollar all

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Speaker 4: he used to say, come on down. Now he went

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Speaker 4: on up.

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Speaker 2: In the name of Jesus, say man.

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Speaker 3: All right, So speaking of bar BARKI, y'all listen, let's

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Speaker 3: go ahead throw this in there. Michael Jackson's birthday was

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Speaker 3: on Tuesday.

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Speaker 4: Happy birthday to the greatest ever do in life. There'll

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Speaker 4: never be another artist in our lifetime that comes to

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Speaker 4: close close to the celebrity he had. That man could,

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Speaker 4: that man could stand on stage silent, not open his mouth,

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Speaker 4: and not do one dance, not kick his foot one time,

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Speaker 4: and the whole all them white girls and people be

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Speaker 4: screaming past fainting.

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Speaker 3: It's his energy, man, his energy was too much for this,

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Speaker 3: for this real. And Michael said, Man, I'm getting the

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Speaker 3: fun up out of here.

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Speaker 2: I think he meant to harn it. I don't think

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Speaker 2: he meant to go though.

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Speaker 1: Mmm. Some said he not dead. I don't know. There's

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Speaker 1: a lot of mm hmm. All right, p Michael, all right.

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Speaker 3: So a Canadian KFC marketing campaign is receiving backlash of

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Speaker 3: social media after many users find the imaging to be

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Speaker 3: culturally insensitive.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so images from the campaign are starting to go

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Speaker 1: viral after they were posted to x Twitter by x F.

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Speaker 3: Well you know Twitter is now x so it's posted

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Speaker 3: to X by KFC Canadians director of marketing. Once the

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Speaker 3: images began to receive criticism for their lack of diversity,

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Speaker 3: the director of marketing apologized and shared a sixty second

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Speaker 3: commercial that says it's more representative representative of Canada's diversity

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Speaker 3: and their creativity.

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Speaker 1: So it's just some black people eating chicken, and shit.

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Speaker 2: Love chicken. I love chicken.

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Speaker 4: If I was in that commercial, I would look just

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Speaker 4: the same way eating that chicken. What's the problem.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I don't like chicken.

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Speaker 3: You know, I don't eat chicken, and I don't remember

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Speaker 3: KFC tasting good for many years. To fo, I stop

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Speaker 3: eating chicken? Is that really the healthiest thing for niggas

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Speaker 3: to be eating? Absolutely not. Stop marketing that shit to

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Speaker 3: our people any topic, which is okay.

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Speaker 2: But I love chicken. The KFC and Jamaica is so bombed.

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Speaker 4: Every time I go to CA Jamaica, I'm gonna have

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Speaker 4: that KFC and get them little wings.

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Speaker 2: I have wings.

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Speaker 4: Yesterday I happen to enjoy fried chicken, and if I

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Speaker 4: was in a campaign for chicken. That's how I would

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Speaker 4: eat the motherfucking chicken. You know what, It just it

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Speaker 4: pisses me off. Like the June Teeth celebration and they

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Speaker 4: had like chicken and strawberry soda and strawberry cake and

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Speaker 4: watermelon and all these things and people were mad about it.

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Speaker 2: Black people are like, oh, this is this culturally insensitive.

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Speaker 1: It's what we enjoy.

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Speaker 4: Now. We ain't gonna have no watermelon and fried chicken

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Speaker 4: for June Teeth because y'all mad what y'all want to eat?

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Speaker 2: What y'all want to eat for jew companies?

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Speaker 1: Like what more do you want from Ray?

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Speaker 4: People just be mad about finding anything to be mad about. Meanwhile,

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Speaker 4: student Loan is still crazy. That's what we need to

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Speaker 4: be talking about, not no fucking.

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Speaker 2: Campaign.

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Speaker 3: And I didn't do my full due diligence with this story, right,

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Speaker 3: So is it white people that were feeling some type

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Speaker 3: of way because it's black people.

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Speaker 1: In the utensils?

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Speaker 4: No, because if you look at the full sixty second video,

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Speaker 4: it's all kinds of racist in the video, right, But

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Speaker 4: just in those billboards, there's black people and their reflection

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Speaker 4: in the silverware, and they look to be like munching

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Speaker 4: on some chicken and having enjoying it. And it's and

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Speaker 4: I guess it's black people that are upset about it.

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Speaker 4: But judges, I just feel like y'all need to find

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Speaker 4: something else to be mad about.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't lend my energies no bullshit. Nowadays, we

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Speaker 3: got bigger friends to fry. We got way biggert shit

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Speaker 3: to worry about. Y'all see COVID coming back down the pipeline? Right,

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Speaker 3: is your house in order?

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Speaker 2: All right? We got Are you prepared chicken to fry?

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Speaker 2: No pun intended?

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Speaker 3: Are you gonna be duped this go around? Are we

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Speaker 3: gonna stand together? And I'll be complicit with the government.

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Speaker 2: I know one thing.

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Speaker 4: I'm about to get my only fans backdrop all thegether

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Speaker 4: for when it happens, because I'm not gonna miss that

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Speaker 4: money this time.

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Speaker 1: I promise you that I'm gonna be on there like NPC.

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Speaker 4: Oh yeah, grace, yes, yes, good, yes, yes, yes, thank you,

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Speaker 4: thank you, thank you, yes, yes.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. No speaking of her, he's so good. I sorry.

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Speaker 2: Brown skin, how she get herself light skin on? Their?

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Speaker 2: What kind of filter?

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Speaker 1: Staying with everybody else? Light skin?

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Speaker 3: Put the heavy makeup on top of the filters, on

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Speaker 3: top of it. She's a pretty girl.

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Speaker 2: She's pretty brown. That's crazy.

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's a lighting.

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Speaker 2: It could be right now.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's because like the light is coming through my window.

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Speaker 3: So I really have to dark it, black it out

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Speaker 3: in here for it not to look like this. But yeah,

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Speaker 3: so maybe maybe she has a lot of lighting in

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Speaker 3: her apartment.

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Speaker 1: Bitch. I don't just look light skin, I look like

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Speaker 1: this is my whole soul. You've see in right now?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 1: Really?

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Speaker 2: Is that what it is? Is it is no light

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Speaker 2: shining in on you?

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Speaker 1: No, it's my soul.

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Speaker 4: Okay, Well, y'all, AJ soul showed up to work today.

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Speaker 4: Thank you, So y'all we had Thank you, stupid. We

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Speaker 4: have Elliott Connie on today and he's definitely going to

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Speaker 4: give us a mini therapy session and possibly you two,

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Speaker 4: so tune in.

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Speaker 2: We'll be right back with him in just a second.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, y'all listen.

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Speaker 3: So today's guest. You know, it's pretty fitting for we

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Speaker 3: talk back. He has lectured all throughout the US and internationally.

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Speaker 3: He's a psycho therapist who specializes in solution focused brief therapy.

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Speaker 3: He's the founder of Solution focused universe and maintains a

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Speaker 3: private practice.

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Speaker 1: He's written and published four books. Okay, he's a big deal.

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Speaker 1: Also feature in a breakfast club recently, and he's a

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Speaker 1: fellow podcaster. Y'all.

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Speaker 3: Welcome mister Elliott Connie. So we talk back and yeah, hey,

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Speaker 3: thank you for coming.

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Speaker 1: Free therapy. Yeah, how you doing, man?

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Speaker 5: I'm doing great. I don't love the word free, but

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Speaker 5: I'm doing great.

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Speaker 1: If it's free, it's for me.

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Speaker 5: Just happy to be here. I'll do whatever y'all want.

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Speaker 1: Ooh, go threaten me with a good time.

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Speaker 5: Okay, best hour of your life coming right.

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Speaker 1: Up, y'all, So listen.

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Speaker 3: I think that uh, millennials are probably the first generation

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Speaker 3: of people who try and tie their adulthood back to childhood.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 3: So I wanted to talk with Elliott a little bit today,

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Speaker 3: you know, about what he does as a psychotherapist.

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Speaker 1: What exactly is psychotherapy?

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Speaker 3: And I want to talk about childhood because I'm going

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Speaker 3: through it right now, okay, with family, absolutely.

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Speaker 4: I'm going through it with these niggas. So we're going

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Speaker 4: to talk about family. Then we go to talk about these.

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Speaker 5: What do you want to start? Ask me anything you want?

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Speaker 1: What is psychotherapy?

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Speaker 5: Psychotherapy? Is just it's counseling, right. Psychotherapy is addressing your

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Speaker 5: mental health concerns or issues through counseling. Even better, stated,

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Speaker 5: the way I would like to think about it is

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Speaker 5: psychotherapy is healing. It's about healing.

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Speaker 3: So the type of therapy that you offer this solution

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Speaker 3: focused brief therapy, Right, what's the difference between.

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Speaker 1: That and cognitive behavioral therapy?

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Speaker 3: And then what's the difference between those two and just

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Speaker 3: counseling or a life coach basically right?

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Speaker 5: So, well, a life coach is not usually a licensed professional. Right,

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Speaker 5: Between solution focused brief therapy and someone doing cognit behavioral

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Speaker 5: therapies are usually in my position, that's a life since

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Speaker 5: professional life coach wouldn't be. The difference between solution focused

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Speaker 5: brief therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy, however, is like night

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Speaker 5: and day, like the way that I do there, Well,

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Speaker 5: let me go all the way back. I had a really,

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Speaker 5: really difficult childhood. My father was super abusive. I grew

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Speaker 5: up anxious, depressed, suicidal, no confidence, all of it. And

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Speaker 5: by the time I got into college and was kind

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Speaker 5: of growing, maturing and doing my own work to heal,

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Speaker 5: I decided I want to become a psychotherapist to help

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Speaker 5: people that were struggling. And I went to graduate school

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Speaker 5: and I had a school that was teaching me about

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Speaker 5: cognitive behavioral therapy. At the time, it was one of

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Speaker 5: the most popular ways to do therapy, and I just

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Speaker 5: thought it would have made me miserable to do that.

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Speaker 5: It would have made me miserable as a human being.

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Speaker 5: But to do cognitive behavioral therapy, I have to talk

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Speaker 5: to you about what's wrong with you to help fix it.

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Speaker 5: But I didn't want to talk to anybody about what's

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Speaker 5: wrong with me, not in that way. I wanted to

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Speaker 5: talk to people about hopes and dreams, warmth, love, care, proper, true,

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Speaker 5: genuine healing, and right when I decided to quit graduate school,

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Speaker 5: I learned about this thing called solution focused brief therapy,

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Speaker 5: which is about all of those things. It's it's accomplishing

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Speaker 5: healing through a focus on what's right with you versus

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Speaker 5: what's wrong with you. And for me, as someone with

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Speaker 5: a super trauma background, I was like this, I want

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Speaker 5: I want this.

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Speaker 1: Do you feel you about to cry?

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Speaker 2: Tamn? Hold on No. I was listening because I'm thinking

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Speaker 2: about the therapist I had. I mean it's a bitch.

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Speaker 2: Had me like, all right, I want you to write

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Speaker 2: a letter to your parents and your childhood. And it happened.

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Speaker 4: And then I wrote this letter and I was She's like, okay,

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Speaker 4: let's read the letter out loud, and I was like,

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Speaker 4: crying hard, it's not and she was.

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Speaker 2: Like, okay, that's her time.

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Speaker 4: I'll see you next time. It's like, girl, you had

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Speaker 4: me unpack all this shit for nothing, did nothing with it.

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Speaker 2: We read.

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Speaker 4: I read my letter out loud, and then I was

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Speaker 4: supposed to do an event that night and I had

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Speaker 4: to cancel because I had pulled all this shit out

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Speaker 4: of me and said it on the on the couch

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Speaker 4: with me and then just left it there.

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Speaker 2: It pissed me off so bad. I was like, I

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Speaker 2: can't believe I paid this bitch.

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Speaker 1: And leave it on my couch.

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Speaker 2: She said about, well, that's our time. No the fuck

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Speaker 2: it ain't bitch.

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Speaker 3: You better right.

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Speaker 5: To me like that. People we have this weird thought

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Speaker 5: that like I should be able to ask you anything

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Speaker 5: and you should be able to talk about it. So

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Speaker 5: therapy is about making you and that ain't true. There's

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Speaker 5: a lot of shit I don't want to relive and

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Speaker 5: haven't healed from it. It just means I don't want

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Speaker 5: to relive that shit. And therapy shouldn't be about tell

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Speaker 5: me about your deepest, darkest wounds. Therapy should be about

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Speaker 5: tell me about your greatness and life that leans so

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Speaker 5: far into you, a greatness that your difficulties become part

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Speaker 5: of your greatness story. That to me got me super

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Speaker 5: hype about mental health like that. That for me, that

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Speaker 5: became my drug. I was all in right, like right

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Speaker 5: then and there. I was all in.

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Speaker 2: That sound good. That sounds way better than the shit

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Speaker 2: I was doing, way better.

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Speaker 5: That's why I do what I do. That's why I

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Speaker 5: write my books. That's why I travel the world. That's

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Speaker 5: why I go in to breakfast club, That's why I

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Speaker 5: do all these things.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I was watching it.

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Speaker 3: I watched that interview before and you said something on

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Speaker 3: there and I was like, Yo, you said, you're when

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Speaker 3: your pain is your purpose, fact right, and it doesn't

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Speaker 3: hurt you anymore.

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Speaker 5: I felt that that's true. So when you say come

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Speaker 5: to a purpose, it cannot cause you injury.

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Speaker 3: I feel like us doing this podcast right, and we

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Speaker 3: lay a lot of our personal lives and business out,

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Speaker 3: so do a lot of other shows. Right, this has

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Speaker 3: now and become our purpose because I feel like I'm

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Speaker 3: one of those people who really don't need therapy. I

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Speaker 3: can talk to anybody about my shit and I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: tell you everything, right, no problem.

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Speaker 1: I could tell anybody a stranger on the street. I

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Speaker 1: just need to be able to vocalize what it is that.

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Speaker 3: I'm going through and I might have to say it

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Speaker 3: ten times until I actually get the healing and I'm

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Speaker 3: over it. And just because I'm still talking about it right,

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Speaker 3: doesn't mean I'm not healed from it.

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Speaker 5: Correct.

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Speaker 2: See, I'm different. I can talk about it till I'm

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Speaker 2: blue in the face.

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Speaker 4: But if I don't have any tools to correct anything,

401
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,000
Speaker 4: it doesn't change anything for me, you know, Like I

402
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,520
Speaker 4: can express like what I'm going through with a friend

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Speaker 4: and this friend and that friend and still feel it

404
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Speaker 4: when I hang up with everybody else if I don't

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Speaker 4: have any direction on how to fix whatever it is.

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Speaker 5: But that's why I know when your purpose is so important, right, Like,

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Speaker 5: when you know your purpose, you can endure any hardship.

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Speaker 5: One of my personal heroes as an example, one of

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Speaker 5: my personal heroes, and I'm a reader. I don't know

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Speaker 5: if you guys are like, oh, we're super readers. Reading

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Speaker 5: the book Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela changed

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Speaker 5: my life. And the reason changed my life is I

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Speaker 5: read it at a time where I was like searching

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Speaker 5: for what I'm going to do with my life. And

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Speaker 5: Mandela endured more hardship than maybe anyone I know of

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Speaker 5: and accomplish more triumph through that hardship. And the entire

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Speaker 5: reason was because he knew his purpose the whole time. Yes,

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Speaker 5: so I think what happens is too often we focus

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Speaker 5: on the hardship. But Medeeba had a way, Medeeba being

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Speaker 5: his chief name, he had a way of understanding, like,

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Speaker 5: you can throw me in any prison cell you want.

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Speaker 5: My job is to endure this so that I can

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Speaker 5: set my people free. Yes, well, so when I recognize,

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Speaker 5: like my father was not a very kind man to me,

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Speaker 5: and he would punish harshly, beat me harshly, call me

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Speaker 5: horrible names, which by the way, had way more of

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Speaker 5: a negative impact than the beatings did. But what if

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Speaker 5: my job is to now go talk to black people

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Speaker 5: about mental health. Now, all of a sudden, I'm like

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Speaker 5: proud of what I endured because now I carry this

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Speaker 5: message that I can go to the breakfast club and

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Speaker 5: talk about how important this is. I can write the

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Speaker 5: books I write. I can travel to South Africa and

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Speaker 5: talk to people like mental health is important and here's why.

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Speaker 5: If I had a normal, traditional childhood, I wouldn't be

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Speaker 5: able to carry this message right. Well, once you realize

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Speaker 5: that it doesn't cause you pain anymore, like I'm proud

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Speaker 5: of it.

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Speaker 2: Actually, were you able to repair the relationship with your father?

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Speaker 5: That's a tricky question. I'll say yes and no. The

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Speaker 5: reason I'll say I was the yes part is I

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Speaker 5: was able to tell him When I was nineteen years old,

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Speaker 5: I was on the brink of like suicide and I

444
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,159
Speaker 5: was like, look, bro, I'm about to check out of here.

445
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,520
Speaker 5: And I realized I got to live a life where

446
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:57,280
Speaker 5: no one is yelling at me, hitting me, calling me names,

447
00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 5: and cursing at me. I was like, bro, I can

448
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,880
Speaker 5: handle anything not on this list. These are the four

449
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,000
Speaker 5: things I can't tolerate, but I'll deal with anything else.

450
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,480
Speaker 5: And my father said fuck you and he hung up

451
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,200
Speaker 5: the phone on me. And I haven't talked to him since.

452
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,800
Speaker 5: So have we been able to repair the relationship? In

453
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:18,399
Speaker 5: my opinion, yes, because I currently have a healthy relationship

454
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:22,760
Speaker 5: with an unhealthy person, because he has not been able

455
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,280
Speaker 5: to contact me in twenty years. I was nineteen when

456
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,280
Speaker 5: I said that. I'm forty six now, so twenty five

457
00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:31,680
Speaker 5: years or over twenty five years. But he has not

458
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:36,720
Speaker 5: been able to resolve that. And I'm okay with that,

459
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:40,800
Speaker 5: right because most people, if your son said like I

460
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,560
Speaker 5: won't talk to you until you climb the Empire State Building,

461
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,040
Speaker 5: like being away from your child would be so difficult,

462
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,359
Speaker 5: You're going to figure out a way to climb the

463
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,160
Speaker 5: Empire State Building. My father, to this day, he can't

464
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,879
Speaker 5: follow those four rules. So I don't know what to

465
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,600
Speaker 5: do about that. I know I'm healed, and I know

466
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,239
Speaker 5: my dynamic with my father and my memory of who

467
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,719
Speaker 5: he was is healthy because I'm no longer being yelled at,

468
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,760
Speaker 5: hit cursed at, or called names.

469
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,399
Speaker 1: And I think that's the experience for a lot of

470
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:07,920
Speaker 1: black kids.

471
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:10,360
Speaker 3: Even right now, I see people cussing their kids out

472
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:13,840
Speaker 3: in public, and I feel like you've lost control as

473
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,119
Speaker 3: a parent if you have to dish that type of

474
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:19,920
Speaker 3: anger towards a little person who has half the life

475
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,520
Speaker 3: experiences of an adult. But kids get put on this

476
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,800
Speaker 3: pedestal and they're supposed to. You got to say things

477
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,199
Speaker 3: a million times. The kids they don't remember or they

478
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,320
Speaker 3: don't give a fuck, so you have to just you

479
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,800
Speaker 3: have to have a lot of patience. And I think,

480
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 3: do you have kids, Elliott, I have a daughter, so

481
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:36,440
Speaker 3: you have a daughter.

482
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:37,520
Speaker 1: So Tam and I don't have kids.

483
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,480
Speaker 3: And I think if you live long enough without kids,

484
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,120
Speaker 3: like you, can you see different things, Like you see

485
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:47,200
Speaker 3: that kids are the blessing, right, So why would you

486
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,520
Speaker 3: disrespect something that I feel like chose you to come

487
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,119
Speaker 3: here and you just the portal by which the child

488
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,040
Speaker 3: or the spirit chose to get to this realm.

489
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,719
Speaker 1: But you owe it to it to take care of them.

490
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,320
Speaker 4: Oftentimes, even with your father, that's probably how his father

491
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:02,920
Speaker 4: treated him.

492
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,159
Speaker 2: That's probably how he was parented. You know.

493
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:09,120
Speaker 3: Yes, that's well our lack of parenting, so you thought

494
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,960
Speaker 3: that's how parenting was supposed to be, right, Yeah, Like.

495
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,480
Speaker 5: My father and I often don't share this story because

496
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:16,040
Speaker 5: I feel like it's his part of the story to tell.

497
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,760
Speaker 5: But there is something that happened in my father's past

498
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:22,960
Speaker 5: that created a trauma. And I forgive him, like I

499
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:27,160
Speaker 5: genuinely forgive him. I still don't want to be yelled at, cursed,

500
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:31,160
Speaker 5: a hit, or call names, but I legitimately forgive him.

501
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,119
Speaker 5: And if he called me right now and said, man,

502
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,120
Speaker 5: can we talk, I'll be hell, yeah, we can talk.

503
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,119
Speaker 5: I don't have any negative feelings, resentment, angered, none of that.

504
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,920
Speaker 5: But I think what you said is one hundredercent true.

505
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,840
Speaker 5: Like we hold kids to this standard that they're not

506
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:46,760
Speaker 5: ready to live up to.

507
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:49,240
Speaker 3: Yet, and that adults don't love it, Like adults just

508
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,520
Speaker 3: get to say, I'm grown, but you're doing this childishit.

509
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:55,960
Speaker 3: You really need your ass whoop, not the kid. I'd

510
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,400
Speaker 3: rather beat adults, like adults need to ask with way

511
00:25:58,480 --> 00:25:59,080
Speaker 3: more than kids.

512
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,480
Speaker 5: I think that true. And how can we beat down

513
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:05,960
Speaker 5: some kid? And like the number one contributor to good

514
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,359
Speaker 5: decision making is self esteem. So if I tell if

515
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,800
Speaker 5: I'm beating down some kid verbally and physically, and then

516
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,280
Speaker 5: they're thirteen years old, freshman in high school and someone

517
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,400
Speaker 5: comes up to them and says like, hey, let's skip school,

518
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,959
Speaker 5: use drugs, go drinking, how are they supposed to make

519
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:22,960
Speaker 5: that decision right if we are not instilled in them

520
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:28,680
Speaker 5: good positive self esteem. And thinking about women, like how

521
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,600
Speaker 5: am I expecting a young woman to hold a male

522
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:36,640
Speaker 5: suitor accountable to how they're going to treat them if

523
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,359
Speaker 5: they haven't been taught they are a queen, like, you

524
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:42,960
Speaker 5: need to hold yourself to this standard, so only allow

525
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 5: kings in your life. Right, we can't do that if

526
00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:49,680
Speaker 5: we're talking down to them while they're youthful, Like, it's insane.

527
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:50,440
Speaker 2: Yeah.

528
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,560
Speaker 3: I feel like in the black community, we focus more

529
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:57,120
Speaker 3: on teaching little girls how to be well however they're

530
00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,000
Speaker 3: supposed to be. Don't be fast, don't do this, don't

531
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,160
Speaker 3: do that, But we don't teach the boys that girl.

532
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:05,920
Speaker 3: Little girls are special. You're not supposed to run through them.

533
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,440
Speaker 3: You're supposed to handle them with care.

534
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 5: I think that's true. I think we have to treat

535
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:12,480
Speaker 5: we have to teach both. I think we have to

536
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:16,720
Speaker 5: teach young men the value of themselves and young women

537
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,080
Speaker 5: young girls. And I think we have to teach young

538
00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:22,600
Speaker 5: girls the value of themselves and young men. Like I'm

539
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:25,399
Speaker 5: now I will watch I mean, I can't help it.

540
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,560
Speaker 5: I'm a psychotherapist, and I will watch it on TV,

541
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,480
Speaker 5: I'll watch it on social media, and I'm like, how

542
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:35,320
Speaker 5: are you letting your partner say this shit to you?

543
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 2: Right?

544
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:43,280
Speaker 5: You need to leave this person immediately like red flags everywhere,

545
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:47,280
Speaker 5: like you need to go today. And part of it

546
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:49,520
Speaker 5: is because we haven't. We haven't taught them like you

547
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:54,280
Speaker 5: should hold people accountable in your life so they'll treat

548
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:55,960
Speaker 5: you a certain way, and if they can't love up

549
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:56,920
Speaker 5: that standard, they gotta go.

550
00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,440
Speaker 4: But it's not also in just what we tell our kids,

551
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:01,280
Speaker 4: because we can there and tell our kids like you

552
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,520
Speaker 4: need to have a man treat you nice and be

553
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,399
Speaker 4: kind to you, and then you get in a car

554
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:08,200
Speaker 4: with her and then you play my booty Whole Brown

555
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,560
Speaker 4: and all this music, Like you're playing this music around

556
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,800
Speaker 4: your child, but you're telling them one thing and then

557
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:14,040
Speaker 4: showing them something different.

558
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:16,159
Speaker 1: Are you with a man who doesn't treat me right?

559
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:16,359
Speaker 5: Right?

560
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:17,920
Speaker 1: So you have to a child right?

561
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:19,639
Speaker 2: You have to also walk it.

562
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,320
Speaker 5: But that's what I mean, that's the standard. That's the

563
00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 5: absolute standard. If I if I were in a relationship

564
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:27,560
Speaker 5: with either of the two of you and we had

565
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:30,359
Speaker 5: a daughter, I would I would tell my daughter you

566
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:33,239
Speaker 5: are a queen. I would tell my daughter you are

567
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,880
Speaker 5: deserving of being treated well. And my daughter would watch

568
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:40,640
Speaker 5: me open doors. My daughter would watch me serving you breakfast.

569
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 5: My daughter would watch me carrying my load. My daughter

570
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,520
Speaker 5: would watch me treating you well, because then what happens

571
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,720
Speaker 5: is when some boy asks her on a date and

572
00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:52,240
Speaker 5: doesn't open the door for her or whatever, not that

573
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:54,280
Speaker 5: that has to be the thing, but like, whatever it is,

574
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:56,640
Speaker 5: she's gonna be like, why are you I watched my

575
00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:00,440
Speaker 5: dad do that to my mom, and my dad instilled

576
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,560
Speaker 5: in me that I deserve that. So the fact that

577
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:04,760
Speaker 5: I heard you call me a bitch to your friends,

578
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:07,040
Speaker 5: or I saw that text message where you said you

579
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:10,240
Speaker 5: wanted to run through me, I saw you not open

580
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:12,760
Speaker 5: the door for me, you made me pay for dinner

581
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,680
Speaker 5: last night, Like I'm just not gonna tolerate it. Like

582
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:17,640
Speaker 5: instilled in me that I deserve more than that.

583
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 4: Absolutely, I would just stand at a door. I will

584
00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:21,680
Speaker 4: stand at a car door if I'm on a date

585
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:23,239
Speaker 4: and a guy just goes and gets in his car,

586
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,280
Speaker 4: I'll just stand there at the door, like, what's happening here?

587
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 4: I got to teach people, Yeah, I'm sorry, what is

588
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:29,640
Speaker 4: happening here? How am I going to get in.

589
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:33,600
Speaker 5: Absolutely correct?

590
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:36,800
Speaker 4: Would you ever have you ever told like a couple

591
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:39,480
Speaker 4: in therapy, like y'all just need to call this quiz.

592
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,280
Speaker 2: Y'all need to stop leave each other. Fuck alone, ma'am,

593
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 2: leave right now?

594
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:48,800
Speaker 5: No, I have not ever, because my job is to

595
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:52,200
Speaker 5: if they want to be together, my job is to

596
00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:54,880
Speaker 5: help them do that in a healthy way. So rather

597
00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 5: than say like, leave right now, I would say things

598
00:29:57,720 --> 00:29:59,240
Speaker 5: like what kind of relationship do you want to be in?

599
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,000
Speaker 5: And then how do you conduct yourself in a way

600
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:04,920
Speaker 5: that causes him to rise to that occasion and vice versa.

601
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:11,720
Speaker 2: So, okay, I saw that Gunplay pulled a gun on

602
00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:14,640
Speaker 2: his baby mama while she was holding the baby. What

603
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:15,560
Speaker 2: would you tell them?

604
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:19,360
Speaker 5: You wouldn't tell how to leave if they came to

605
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:23,160
Speaker 5: couple's therapy. That's different than if she came to therapy. Okay,

606
00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:25,360
Speaker 5: if she came to therapy, I would say, yeah, like

607
00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:29,160
Speaker 5: you've got to go, like this is an unsafe environment.

608
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:31,920
Speaker 5: And it makes me think of that old Maya Angelou

609
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:33,920
Speaker 5: quote when somebody tells you who they are, believe them

610
00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:36,160
Speaker 5: the first time? I mean times. Does somebody have to

611
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 5: pull a gun on you before you recognize this is

612
00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:40,360
Speaker 5: not healthy and or safe?

613
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:42,720
Speaker 1: You bought a pull of gun first of all.

614
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,120
Speaker 4: If somebody tell me their name is Gunplay, I'm probably

615
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,920
Speaker 4: gonna be kind of weary of getting played with by

616
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 4: a gun.

617
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:54,440
Speaker 5: Just me, just me, you know, I mean that's for me,

618
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 5: the crazy pop culture we live in. Like you you

619
00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:01,960
Speaker 5: never know, you know, you never know what people gonna

620
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 5: call themsel But but my point would be, and I

621
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:10,440
Speaker 5: also think healing is accomplishable, and you can be called

622
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:13,560
Speaker 5: gun play and you can make mistakes, but some of

623
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:16,080
Speaker 5: these things are really super concerning. I saw that story

624
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:16,800
Speaker 5: this morning.

625
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:19,360
Speaker 3: Actually, and I was like, so if they came to

626
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:21,920
Speaker 3: you as a couple, you wouldn't just be like, girl,

627
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:24,160
Speaker 3: you need to leave to hint in front of me.

628
00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 1: If you need some help, baby, I take you out

629
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:36,240
Speaker 1: here right after this ship who if they ship behind

630
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 1: that man back, Like we go to the restaurant.

631
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:42,440
Speaker 4: Baby, I'm gonna pull the car around back and you

632
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:44,320
Speaker 4: just hop in and I'm gonna take you somewhere safe.

633
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:45,440
Speaker 2: I know it.

634
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:46,360
Speaker 1: Man, I know a guy.

635
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,520
Speaker 5: If they come to me and they're like, hey, we

636
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 5: want to have a healthy relationship to my job to

637
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:56,360
Speaker 5: help them accomplish it. And if they decide on their

638
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:59,400
Speaker 5: own that it's not accomplishable, then that's a different story.

639
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:00,320
Speaker 1: Yeah.

640
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,400
Speaker 3: I told that story just recently, Like the last couple's

641
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,600
Speaker 3: therapy session that I went to with my ex and

642
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,280
Speaker 3: my last relationship. That's I came to that conclusion, like,

643
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:13,040
Speaker 3: I can't do this anymore. Nobody had to tell me

644
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:17,040
Speaker 3: me just talking about this relationship. It takes approximately four

645
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:20,719
Speaker 3: and a half hours to tell you four years of bullshit, right.

646
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 3: I came to that conclusion on my own. Just haven't

647
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:25,960
Speaker 3: talked through it that one last time. I'm like, I'm

648
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,840
Speaker 3: not doing this no more. Just me saying this shit

649
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 3: out my mouth.

650
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,960
Speaker 1: I feel stupid. I feel stupid for all this shit

651
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 1: I've endured.

652
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:32,640
Speaker 2: And we have.

653
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:36,160
Speaker 5: We have lots of friends throughout I have friends throughout

654
00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 5: my life and they will call me, hey, man, do

655
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,040
Speaker 5: you think what do you think about relation? I'm man,

656
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:43,480
Speaker 5: this is not healthy. This is not good. I have

657
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,640
Speaker 5: and now like doing the work that I do and

658
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:49,400
Speaker 5: working on a TV project and all these things. Like

659
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:51,120
Speaker 5: I hang out with a lot of celebrities and they

660
00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:53,600
Speaker 5: will call me and I'll be like, no, you are

661
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,880
Speaker 5: not in a healthy relationship. But you know what they do.

662
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,520
Speaker 5: They call me a week later, still in the relationship

663
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,320
Speaker 5: with the same person. Woman, man or female, doesn't matter.

664
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:04,640
Speaker 1: Keep your dumb bench shit to yourself until you're ready

665
00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,800
Speaker 1: to go but ada.

666
00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:08,600
Speaker 2: What a therapist is for to help you, because I

667
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:09,600
Speaker 2: don't feel like it's.

668
00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:12,719
Speaker 1: Free at this point. He giving him free free therapy

669
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:14,880
Speaker 1: on the phone, calling randomly, But.

670
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,680
Speaker 5: I'm trying to be their friend, but people don't. Therapy

671
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:22,880
Speaker 5: is not about advice, it's about healing and you, I

672
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,440
Speaker 5: can tell you right now, like you are in an

673
00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:27,960
Speaker 5: unhealthy relationship, you need to kick the woman or the

674
00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:30,360
Speaker 5: man out of your life. But they're not gonna listen

675
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:32,200
Speaker 5: to me, just like they wouldn't listen anybody else, therapists

676
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 5: or not. If they came into my office and we

677
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 5: did the healing work, then they get to heal, and

678
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:42,080
Speaker 5: healed people make really really good decisions and people that

679
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:43,480
Speaker 5: are still wounded don't.

680
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:46,480
Speaker 4: All right, So let me tell you that that had

681
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 4: of core, because let me tell you one of my triggers.

682
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,600
Speaker 4: I hate when a motherfucker tell me they're gonna do

683
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:56,440
Speaker 4: something and then don't do it and don't also communicate

684
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:59,640
Speaker 4: why they aren't doing it or why it's not getting done.

685
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,920
Speaker 4: That shit will get you xd out real fast with me,

686
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:05,440
Speaker 4: because I just feel like I have a lot. I've

687
00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:08,279
Speaker 4: been let down by men in my life so much

688
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:10,560
Speaker 4: that even the smallest infraction.

689
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:12,440
Speaker 1: It just I snap.

690
00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:15,239
Speaker 4: I instantly snap on a nigga real quick, like, what

691
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:16,960
Speaker 4: the fuck you mean? You ain't gonna be here at

692
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:17,759
Speaker 4: eight thirty.

693
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:23,520
Speaker 2: You know? So how can I not be so triggered

694
00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:27,719
Speaker 2: by people being unaccountable in that way?

695
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:37,600
Speaker 5: They're not being unaccountable? Like, first of all, you have

696
00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:41,479
Speaker 5: to heal from the wounds of men letting you down. Okay,

697
00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:42,719
Speaker 5: that's the first thing I would say.

698
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:43,719
Speaker 2: How do you do that? Though?

699
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:46,560
Speaker 1: That's the thing because they probably go back to Daddy's. Yeah,

700
00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:47,239
Speaker 1: it goes down.

701
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:49,360
Speaker 2: It goes all the way back to my father. I

702
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:49,880
Speaker 2: will say that.

703
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:52,719
Speaker 5: But that's how you do it? Is you like number

704
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:57,800
Speaker 5: one forgiveness, forgive your father. You have to forget. Like,

705
00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:01,200
Speaker 5: let me tell you the story. So my father was

706
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:05,319
Speaker 5: a complete I mean, he just wasn't great. And I'll

707
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:08,279
Speaker 5: get like he tried, but it just wasn't in him.

708
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:14,279
Speaker 5: He was really aggressive, abusive, mean, nasty, humiliating, embarrassing, all

709
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:17,200
Speaker 5: those things. And then one day I came home from

710
00:35:17,239 --> 00:35:22,000
Speaker 5: school college, I meant, but I came home to my

711
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:25,120
Speaker 5: mother's house and for whatever reason, man, this day my

712
00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:27,040
Speaker 5: mother said, I need to tell you something about your father.

713
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,520
Speaker 5: It ain't come easy for you to hear. And she

714
00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:32,719
Speaker 5: told me something that happened in his life when he

715
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:34,920
Speaker 5: was eighteen years old, and all of a sudden I

716
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 5: had forgiveness for him because I could give him grace.

717
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:46,480
Speaker 5: And you have to remember something. We come from a

718
00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:53,640
Speaker 5: legacy of slavery in this country, and I think we

719
00:35:53,760 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 5: don't often think about the legacy that is slavery. And

720
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:03,279
Speaker 5: like you weren't allowed to like sit and talk like

721
00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:07,560
Speaker 5: my mother, she needed me to learn how to shut

722
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:11,560
Speaker 5: my mouth because as a black man, the police officers

723
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 5: are gonna pull me over, and if I talk back,

724
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:18,759
Speaker 5: my life is in dangers. So it's not like so

725
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:21,160
Speaker 5: have a white friend. Let me tell you this is

726
00:36:21,239 --> 00:36:24,160
Speaker 5: funny as shit have a white friend. And one day

727
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,360
Speaker 5: in high school, he had just gotten his driver's license.

728
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:29,520
Speaker 5: We're zooming around. He got pulled over. Police pull him

729
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:33,600
Speaker 5: over outside of Boston, Massachusetts, a place called Franklin. Police

730
00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:36,399
Speaker 5: pull him over, hand him a ticket that he thought

731
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 5: was unfair and unjust. This white dude got the ticket,

732
00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:45,360
Speaker 5: cussed at the police officer, tore the ticket, threw it

733
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:48,279
Speaker 5: out the window, and took off driving. Do you know

734
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:52,080
Speaker 5: what that police officer did? That police officer drove pulled

735
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:56,520
Speaker 5: us back over and rode him another ticket and then

736
00:36:56,560 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 5: an additional ticket for vandalism. Watching that, and I was like,

737
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,520
Speaker 5: if I had done that, they would have been filling

738
00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:07,799
Speaker 5: me up with so many bullet holes as I drove away. Right,

739
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,640
Speaker 5: my mother had to raise her child with panic and

740
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:16,279
Speaker 5: fear and anxiety, but my white friend's parents didn't have

741
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:20,680
Speaker 5: to do that. So you got to understand your father

742
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:25,279
Speaker 5: was parenting in an environment that wasn't really built for him.

743
00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:29,360
Speaker 5: It's not a just environment. Now that doesn't excuse his

744
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 5: poor treatment, but we have to give them grace because

745
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 5: they weren't parenting from an equal footing that other cultures, races, ethnicities,

746
00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:43,080
Speaker 5: nationalities got to parent from. So then when somebody calls you,

747
00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:44,560
Speaker 5: like if somebody asks you on a date, they said

748
00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:45,920
Speaker 5: it's gonna be there at eight and they show up

749
00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:48,600
Speaker 5: at eight forty two, you can be like, you know what,

750
00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 5: this is normal life. This is just normal. This is

751
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:54,160
Speaker 5: just normal life.

752
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:57,640
Speaker 4: And because I forgive my thought know the wire, Hey, God,

753
00:37:57,760 --> 00:37:59,319
Speaker 4: that's how I feel every time.

754
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:03,600
Speaker 1: I don't be like that because I feel like there's

755
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:05,560
Speaker 1: gonna come in time, I'm gonna be late. But it's

756
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:06,759
Speaker 1: ain't it. We don't want him to wait.

757
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:08,399
Speaker 2: It's okay to be late.

758
00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:08,799
Speaker 5: I don't.

759
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 4: I'm not mad about being late. I'm mad about the

760
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:15,120
Speaker 4: lack of communication before being late. That's what kisses me off.

761
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:18,360
Speaker 4: Like if you saw it was near eight o'clock and

762
00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:21,160
Speaker 4: you knew you were supposed to be here at eight o'clock.

763
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:22,839
Speaker 2: Nothing said to get your little Twitter fingers to text

764
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 2: in and say, hey, I'm late. I'm running late.

765
00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:28,280
Speaker 5: But you know, of course, like I'm gonna be honest

766
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:32,960
Speaker 5: with you, I wouldn't call you either, Damn Elliott, I

767
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:34,680
Speaker 5: know I wouldn't call you either. And would you like

768
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:35,239
Speaker 5: to know why?

769
00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:35,719
Speaker 2: Why?

770
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 5: Now? I met aj at another event, But Tam, I

771
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,600
Speaker 5: think this is the first time you and I talked you.

772
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:47,239
Speaker 3: Tam was there though she was there. We were in

773
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:51,080
Speaker 3: eighty five, Yeah, we didn't talk. Tam was definitely there though.

774
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:55,880
Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah, So Tam, listen, I've now been on this

775
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:58,319
Speaker 5: recording with you for like thirty minutes, and you are

776
00:38:58,480 --> 00:38:59,720
Speaker 5: scary as fun.

777
00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:03,839
Speaker 1: I would think I'm the scary one.

778
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:08,080
Speaker 5: I'm scary, not in a bad way. I don't think

779
00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:09,880
Speaker 5: you're mean at all. But let me tell you what

780
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:13,759
Speaker 5: every man would fear. You're a beautiful woman. I got

781
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:15,560
Speaker 5: a crush on you. I've been wanting to ask you

782
00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:17,080
Speaker 5: on a date for however long. And I ask you

783
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:18,920
Speaker 5: on a date, you say yes, and I'm now on

784
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:20,440
Speaker 5: my way to your house to pick you up. I

785
00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:22,800
Speaker 5: told you i'll be there at seven point thirty. It

786
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,800
Speaker 5: is seven forty two, and I've been listening to you

787
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:29,399
Speaker 5: on the We Talk Back podcast. Tell me all kinds

788
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:32,719
Speaker 5: of shit. I'm afraid if I call you and let

789
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,799
Speaker 5: you know I'm gonna be late, you're gonna cuss me out.

790
00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:37,680
Speaker 5: So the easiest thing I can do is if I

791
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 5: show up, I can apologize and you're less likely to

792
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 5: yell at me, and you're less likely to cancel the date.

793
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,680
Speaker 5: Because what I'm afraid of if I call you tell

794
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,800
Speaker 5: you I'm running late, you're gonna cuss me out and

795
00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:52,120
Speaker 5: be like, I ain't going no more, mother, and now

796
00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 5: the date is over. So I'd rather just show up

797
00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:57,680
Speaker 5: so that the date can continue. That's why it ain't

798
00:39:57,719 --> 00:39:59,880
Speaker 5: nothing to do with accountability. It's because you're s.

799
00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:03,680
Speaker 3: That's childish though, right, that's some ship from childhood. Like

800
00:40:03,719 --> 00:40:05,040
Speaker 3: you go ahead and do it and just to sap

801
00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:08,600
Speaker 3: your punishment at the end of the evening, but why

802
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:09,440
Speaker 3: not hit me up?

803
00:40:09,480 --> 00:40:11,440
Speaker 2: We are adults, Yeah, because it's just the opposite.

804
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:13,839
Speaker 4: I would appreciate more that you're telling me you're going

805
00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:16,000
Speaker 4: to be late versus me just sitting here waiting on

806
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:17,759
Speaker 4: someone who I haven't heard from.

807
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,879
Speaker 5: I think that that's a true and that's a good point,

808
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 5: but I wouldn't go into that dynamic assuming that.

809
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:28,920
Speaker 2: Kay, well, I just I give these niggas a little longer.

810
00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:32,719
Speaker 5: Leash these niggas, is exactly my point.

811
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:40,880
Speaker 3: We're smelling different though, and spell with a ki niggas.

812
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:45,200
Speaker 1: That's a little different. Respectful.

813
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:49,680
Speaker 5: I'm saying, like, Tam, if you were where do you live, Tam.

814
00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:52,400
Speaker 2: Charlotte, North Carolina, Charlotte.

815
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 5: North Carolina, Right, Tam, I can tell you right now.

816
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,680
Speaker 5: If I called you and I'm in LA right now.

817
00:40:57,960 --> 00:40:59,359
Speaker 5: If I called you in LA and I was like, Tam,

818
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:00,880
Speaker 5: you want to hang out, you were like, sure, I'll

819
00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:03,359
Speaker 5: hang out. I don't have no damn clue what time

820
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:06,960
Speaker 5: I'm gonna get to your house because the LA traffic

821
00:41:07,239 --> 00:41:13,040
Speaker 5: is absolutely crazy. And I'm a busy businessman, like I

822
00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:17,640
Speaker 5: run a multi seven figure business. I've got all kinds

823
00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:20,160
Speaker 5: of things I'm accountable to. There are times I'm on

824
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:22,799
Speaker 5: my way to pick up my friend Tom. I told

825
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:24,719
Speaker 5: her'd be there at seven thirty. I look at the clock.

826
00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:27,279
Speaker 5: It is seven forty three, and Ways told me I'm

827
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:29,960
Speaker 5: seven minutes away. But I'm on the phone with my

828
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:34,600
Speaker 5: business partner, or on the phone with Charliegne telling me

829
00:41:34,719 --> 00:41:38,040
Speaker 5: that we're gonna do that. Like, there's so many things

830
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:40,840
Speaker 5: going on, and you've got to have grace, and it

831
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,719
Speaker 5: starts with your father, so then you can gift it

832
00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:45,279
Speaker 5: to other people in your life.

833
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:51,759
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm gonna try it, Elliot, I'm gonna try it.

834
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:55,960
Speaker 2: I'm gonna try it, but okay, I'm gonna just leave

835
00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:56,879
Speaker 2: it at that. I'm gonna try.

836
00:41:57,080 --> 00:41:59,040
Speaker 4: That is a big trigger for me that I need

837
00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:01,120
Speaker 4: to work on because I will so bark down an

838
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:06,640
Speaker 4: nick because because he's not because like because he's late.

839
00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:13,279
Speaker 5: You know, have you ever met any any person in

840
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:16,640
Speaker 5: your life that enjoyed being barked down?

841
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:19,360
Speaker 1: They neck because I'd be barking. Do you like it?

842
00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:22,439
Speaker 2: I'm going I don't.

843
00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:25,879
Speaker 5: I don't like it, so I wouldn't like it either,

844
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:29,040
Speaker 5: which is exactly why I'm afraid to call you and say, hey,

845
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,759
Speaker 5: I'm running late for these reasons. Because y'all don't want

846
00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:34,400
Speaker 5: to here's what happens. Here's what happens. Y'a don't want

847
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:36,640
Speaker 5: to admit it. But here's exactly what happens. If I

848
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:40,040
Speaker 5: call you and I say, and here's the fear. This

849
00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:42,520
Speaker 5: is what goes on in the male suitor's mind. If

850
00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:45,720
Speaker 5: I call you and I say, I'm running late because

851
00:42:45,719 --> 00:42:48,200
Speaker 5: I got a call from one of my employees and

852
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:50,520
Speaker 5: it slowed me up while I was getting dressed. The

853
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:52,600
Speaker 5: fear is you gonna be like, so they more important

854
00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:54,799
Speaker 5: than me. I thought I knew your business was gonna

855
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:56,799
Speaker 5: get in the way. If you're too busy, then let

856
00:42:56,880 --> 00:43:00,160
Speaker 5: me know. Like that's the fear, right, That's that's that's

857
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:03,160
Speaker 5: the fear. I've had friends say that to me. I've

858
00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:05,880
Speaker 5: had friends call me and then I call them back

859
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:08,000
Speaker 5: and I'm like, look, I just got off of stage. Sorry,

860
00:43:08,239 --> 00:43:10,160
Speaker 5: Oh so so we ain't even boys like we used

861
00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:13,160
Speaker 5: to because you're now busy and successful. Want them to

862
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:15,880
Speaker 5: do with that, but you're now assessing things to me,

863
00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:18,839
Speaker 5: And that's the fear. I'm gonna call Tam and tell

864
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:21,239
Speaker 5: her I'm running late because this other thing gotten away.

865
00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:23,600
Speaker 5: Oh I already thought you were busy. So is this

866
00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:25,640
Speaker 5: gonna be like if we keep on dating, I'm gonna

867
00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:27,480
Speaker 5: take a back seat to your business all the time.

868
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,440
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take a flight. I'm going through that.

869
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:33,839
Speaker 5: That's what happened. That's what happened. And I would rather

870
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:37,120
Speaker 5: just show up with a with a flower and a

871
00:43:37,239 --> 00:43:39,759
Speaker 5: box of chocolates, say tam, I'm so sorry I was late,

872
00:43:40,239 --> 00:43:41,920
Speaker 5: and then hopefully you ain't gonna.

873
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:44,640
Speaker 3: Bark down my problem having these niggas just showing out

874
00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:48,040
Speaker 3: with Dick and do rags then, or don't.

875
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:50,160
Speaker 4: Show up at all, don't show up and call you

876
00:43:50,239 --> 00:43:54,640
Speaker 4: the next day like she nigga got up like that.

877
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:57,640
Speaker 5: But that's the thing. If they don't show up at all,

878
00:43:57,840 --> 00:44:00,960
Speaker 5: and if all they got, look it, if the only

879
00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 5: thing a man has.

880
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:04,399
Speaker 1: For you, I'm talking of them bitches, I ain't talking

881
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:05,160
Speaker 1: about the people.

882
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,719
Speaker 5: Bring to you. Is that that's not That's not the

883
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:12,440
Speaker 5: right relationship.

884
00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:18,440
Speaker 3: Dick do ragging A pull up bar lady, reevaluate why

885
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:19,279
Speaker 3: you funk with him?

886
00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:20,360
Speaker 1: Got it?

887
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:20,720
Speaker 2: Daddy?

888
00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:21,160
Speaker 5: Did you have?

889
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:26,480
Speaker 3: My daddy had the holes, but he definitely took it home.

890
00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:28,799
Speaker 3: Like you're gonna at least pay the bills and ship

891
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:30,839
Speaker 3: like that it was a cheater.

892
00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:34,960
Speaker 2: Well, you just something I'm gonna work on. So should

893
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:37,840
Speaker 2: I like count or something to like not get angry?

894
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:40,200
Speaker 2: Like what's a what's a good one to like not

895
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:42,760
Speaker 2: get angry in that moment, in that moment where.

896
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:50,440
Speaker 5: I'm two things, actually three things, tam you ready? Yes?

897
00:44:51,440 --> 00:44:55,399
Speaker 5: The first thing is forgive your father and every other

898
00:44:55,600 --> 00:45:00,360
Speaker 5: man that has created this wound. That's thing number one. Okay,

899
00:45:01,520 --> 00:45:04,480
Speaker 5: Thing number two, I want you to tell the person

900
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:07,600
Speaker 5: that has just asked you on a date if you

901
00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:12,920
Speaker 5: are late, let me know, or I will cuss your

902
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:18,239
Speaker 5: ass out, like why I let me know? Or I

903
00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:22,200
Speaker 5: will rip you a new one. And thing number three,

904
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:26,279
Speaker 5: when and if they do, let you know, recognize they've

905
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:30,000
Speaker 5: done what I've asked them to do. So thus I

906
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:31,400
Speaker 5: have to control myself.

907
00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:33,000
Speaker 2: Okay, that's fair.

908
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:36,399
Speaker 5: I'm gonna try that three step.

909
00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:38,320
Speaker 2: Okay.

910
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:40,719
Speaker 3: So I want to go back to childhood trauma because

911
00:45:40,719 --> 00:45:42,960
Speaker 3: I think I got mommy issues, right, I know, I

912
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:44,320
Speaker 3: definitely I don't think I have.

913
00:45:45,520 --> 00:45:47,760
Speaker 1: You know, the parent, the absent parent.

914
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:51,160
Speaker 3: Usually is always like the celebrity. Right when they come around,

915
00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:55,920
Speaker 3: it's like, oh, daddy. But constant usually is a black mom, right,

916
00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:59,239
Speaker 3: She's probably yelling at your ass, cussing your ass. She's

917
00:45:59,280 --> 00:46:03,640
Speaker 3: frustrated because she got to work all the time and provide,

918
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:06,719
Speaker 3: and Daddy get to do whatever he want to do

919
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:07,879
Speaker 3: wherever the fuck he's at.

920
00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:08,520
Speaker 2: Right.

921
00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:13,399
Speaker 3: So, now I've been back here in Charleston. I left

922
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:15,880
Speaker 3: a relationship and came home. It's how I ended up

923
00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:18,399
Speaker 3: back here. And I think I ended up back here

924
00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:22,000
Speaker 3: to try and heal some childhood.

925
00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:23,160
Speaker 1: Wounds, wounds a little bit.

926
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:27,160
Speaker 3: Maybe I definitely have a problem with people speaking to

927
00:46:27,239 --> 00:46:29,440
Speaker 3: me nice. I do not like anybody talking at me,

928
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:31,680
Speaker 3: cussing that type of shit.

929
00:46:31,719 --> 00:46:34,080
Speaker 1: And that's the household I was raising, you know what

930
00:46:34,120 --> 00:46:34,560
Speaker 1: I'm saying.

931
00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:36,839
Speaker 3: So I think I have like my mom, she rather

932
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,719
Speaker 3: not talk to you if she can't talk to you

933
00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:43,120
Speaker 3: how she wants to, So we can't sit down and

934
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:50,400
Speaker 3: have an amicable conversation without you getting that mad. And

935
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:52,879
Speaker 3: I find that in myself too when I start talking

936
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:55,400
Speaker 3: to people, when I get shited like over here, I

937
00:46:55,560 --> 00:46:58,040
Speaker 3: can't control it, you see what I'm saying, So I'd

938
00:46:58,120 --> 00:47:00,680
Speaker 3: rather not talk to you, don't, fucking bitch.

939
00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:05,400
Speaker 1: It's really how I feel like, what can I do right?

940
00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:08,080
Speaker 3: Because well, I have had I've actually decided. I think

941
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:12,200
Speaker 3: the first step to change is deciding right. So I've

942
00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:17,080
Speaker 3: decided that I'm no longer arguing arguing with anybody else

943
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:19,759
Speaker 3: in life. The last argument I had was with Tam,

944
00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:22,200
Speaker 3: and then I had one with my mom, and I

945
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:26,920
Speaker 3: have now decided that I'm not arguing arguing with anybody

946
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:29,960
Speaker 3: else in life. I promise, I swear to God, Okay,

947
00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:34,680
Speaker 3: I'm not How do I how do I actually follow

948
00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:35,239
Speaker 3: through on that?

949
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:36,080
Speaker 1: Right?

950
00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:38,880
Speaker 3: Because Tam and I have a thing which she doesn't

951
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:40,600
Speaker 3: like hanging up. But if I feel like I'm about

952
00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:43,160
Speaker 3: to get crazy, I need to go away, and maybe

953
00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:45,040
Speaker 3: I don't even have the words to tell you, hey,

954
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 3: I need to hang up right, or if I just

955
00:47:48,120 --> 00:47:50,919
Speaker 3: leave because in my last relationship, I'll leave. I don't

956
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:54,200
Speaker 3: like confrontation in that way because I feel like we

957
00:47:54,239 --> 00:47:56,719
Speaker 3: should have enough love and respect for each other fair

958
00:47:56,840 --> 00:47:59,320
Speaker 3: not to even get there. But some people like we

959
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:02,640
Speaker 3: talk about that sixth love language out here, which is toxicity.

960
00:48:03,400 --> 00:48:05,839
Speaker 3: So a lot of people actually need that to feel

961
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:08,040
Speaker 3: loved because of how they were raised. If they were

962
00:48:08,120 --> 00:48:11,160
Speaker 3: raised by an angry black bitch who cussed and yelled

963
00:48:11,160 --> 00:48:14,080
Speaker 3: at them when I'm just being Ah, I'm around here

964
00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:16,960
Speaker 3: sprinkling fairy dust, you know what I'm saying. And you

965
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:19,799
Speaker 3: can't receive that type of love because you've never seen

966
00:48:19,840 --> 00:48:22,439
Speaker 3: it before. You only feel loved when I'm mad.

967
00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:25,759
Speaker 4: All right, Elliott, before you answered, did you think you

968
00:48:25,840 --> 00:48:28,160
Speaker 4: were coming on here to give therapy or just talk

969
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:28,840
Speaker 4: about therapy?

970
00:48:28,920 --> 00:48:30,480
Speaker 2: Because I know, like that's both.

971
00:48:31,719 --> 00:48:32,839
Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck both.

972
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:35,280
Speaker 3: I'm telling people what the fuck I'm going through mentally

973
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:37,760
Speaker 3: right and I'm asking for help.

974
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:41,160
Speaker 1: Please.

975
00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:45,839
Speaker 5: You know, I'm happy to talk about all of it, man,

976
00:48:46,280 --> 00:48:48,320
Speaker 5: because I think some of your listeners gonna be struggling

977
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:49,160
Speaker 5: with the same things.

978
00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:54,200
Speaker 3: So yeah, because our mothers are gods essentially, Like when

979
00:48:54,239 --> 00:48:56,279
Speaker 3: you look at it, like your mom is your God.

980
00:48:56,760 --> 00:48:58,600
Speaker 3: So you don't ever want to be at odds with God,

981
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:01,960
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. But it's tough dealing with

982
00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:03,600
Speaker 3: black women sometimes.

983
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:09,719
Speaker 5: Well okay, so I think you're trying to do something

984
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:16,000
Speaker 5: that is unrealistic when not arguing yes, because here's here's

985
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:19,600
Speaker 5: what's gonna happen. Here's gonna happen. Aj You're gonna because

986
00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:23,080
Speaker 5: you're a strong minded woman. You're gonna make this commit

987
00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:26,920
Speaker 5: to yourself, like I'm no longer gonna argue, and you're

988
00:49:26,960 --> 00:49:30,959
Speaker 5: gonna bottle up these emotions for a really long time,

989
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:35,600
Speaker 5: and then you're gonna explode on someone close to you.

990
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,440
Speaker 3: That's already happened though, you see what I'm saying, So

991
00:49:38,640 --> 00:49:41,440
Speaker 3: going giving a lot of grace, letting people slide.

992
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:43,279
Speaker 1: And I don't feel like that shitting. I'm over. And

993
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:45,040
Speaker 1: then I also don't feel like arguing anymore.

994
00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:47,160
Speaker 5: So here, let me tell you what to do.

995
00:49:47,520 --> 00:49:47,880
Speaker 1: Mm hm.

996
00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:52,839
Speaker 5: First, I want to talk to you about forgiveness because

997
00:49:52,840 --> 00:49:55,440
Speaker 5: I would say the same thing to you about your

998
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:58,880
Speaker 5: mom that I said to Tam about her day. You

999
00:49:59,040 --> 00:50:01,960
Speaker 5: gotta find a way to give your mom because she

1000
00:50:02,120 --> 00:50:03,880
Speaker 5: was doing the best that she can. And let me

1001
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:06,719
Speaker 5: tell you, people think forgiveness is like what you were saying.

1002
00:50:06,719 --> 00:50:08,640
Speaker 5: I got to move back to South Carolina and figure

1003
00:50:08,640 --> 00:50:10,600
Speaker 5: out how to do this with my mom. I forgive

1004
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:12,600
Speaker 5: my father, even though the last word he said to

1005
00:50:12,680 --> 00:50:15,719
Speaker 5: me was fuck you. Like I don't need to move

1006
00:50:15,760 --> 00:50:17,520
Speaker 5: My father lives in San Diego. Now, I don't need

1007
00:50:17,560 --> 00:50:18,320
Speaker 5: to go to San Diego.

1008
00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:18,480
Speaker 2: No.

1009
00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:20,200
Speaker 1: I didn't move here for that purpose.

1010
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:23,719
Speaker 3: But while here now I realized that may have been

1011
00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:24,920
Speaker 3: the reason I ended up back.

1012
00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:25,799
Speaker 1: Here's what I'm saying.

1013
00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:28,759
Speaker 5: Let me tell you how to forgive. Can you tell

1014
00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:32,800
Speaker 5: me three things you love about yourself? I mean, like

1015
00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:35,520
Speaker 5: deeply love about aj.

1016
00:50:36,760 --> 00:50:43,080
Speaker 1: I am funny, okay, I am. I'm a good time

1017
00:50:43,360 --> 00:50:43,840
Speaker 1: I believe.

1018
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:48,040
Speaker 2: Am I not nice tits? Oh he wasn't as sorry.

1019
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:52,200
Speaker 1: I'm smart okay, I can cook really well.

1020
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:55,719
Speaker 3: When I think of I'm just thinking about the things

1021
00:50:55,760 --> 00:50:57,400
Speaker 3: that make me happy outside of family.

1022
00:50:57,960 --> 00:51:02,279
Speaker 5: Can you tell me now, you are obviously a very

1023
00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:04,560
Speaker 5: successful thing. You wouldn't have a podcast like this if

1024
00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:08,719
Speaker 5: you weren't. What is something you've achieved and or accomplished

1025
00:51:08,719 --> 00:51:12,720
Speaker 5: that you are just really proud of and mean something

1026
00:51:12,760 --> 00:51:12,960
Speaker 5: to you?

1027
00:51:13,360 --> 00:51:13,480
Speaker 2: Right?

1028
00:51:13,520 --> 00:51:15,520
Speaker 3: What we're doing right now, like we were just on

1029
00:51:15,600 --> 00:51:17,719
Speaker 3: a breakfast club. I just asked Ham early. I'm just like,

1030
00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:19,640
Speaker 3: you know, we're gonna go to homecoming. They gonna act

1031
00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:22,000
Speaker 3: like we regular, Like y'all niggas ain't been on the

1032
00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:22,640
Speaker 3: breakfast club.

1033
00:51:22,680 --> 00:51:26,480
Speaker 1: We ain't regular, you know, you know?

1034
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:30,120
Speaker 3: So yes, I'm proud of what we're accomplishing with this podcast,

1035
00:51:30,200 --> 00:51:32,279
Speaker 3: even though some people may you know, be out here

1036
00:51:32,320 --> 00:51:34,520
Speaker 3: trying to dumb it down. But it's a lot of work.

1037
00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:36,520
Speaker 3: It's a lot of hard work, and we're actually doing

1038
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:38,879
Speaker 3: it and we've been dedicated to it. And I'm gonna

1039
00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:41,000
Speaker 3: tell you I got a problem. I got commitment issues.

1040
00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:44,080
Speaker 3: I also have a problem with executing. Right, So, having

1041
00:51:44,160 --> 00:51:46,840
Speaker 3: had done this thing this long and sticking with it

1042
00:51:47,120 --> 00:51:50,239
Speaker 3: no matter what's going on, that's a huge accomplishment for me.

1043
00:51:50,680 --> 00:51:55,640
Speaker 1: And I can't say that no one, no one close

1044
00:51:55,680 --> 00:51:58,200
Speaker 1: to me, like family wise, has congratulated me on it.

1045
00:51:58,840 --> 00:52:02,360
Speaker 5: Okay, aj, I could almost get emotional now, like listening

1046
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:07,040
Speaker 5: to you talk about it, like that's crazy. The way

1047
00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:10,120
Speaker 5: you forgive is I want you to find a way

1048
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:13,839
Speaker 5: to be grateful for your mother for all of those

1049
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:19,560
Speaker 5: wonderful things you just described about yourself. That's how you forgive.

1050
00:52:20,440 --> 00:52:24,359
Speaker 5: I can do that, and that I'll arguable because then

1051
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:27,680
Speaker 5: you end up being like, gratefulness is one of the

1052
00:52:27,719 --> 00:52:30,960
Speaker 5: most amazing things in the world because once you place

1053
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:34,640
Speaker 5: and gratitude, it leaks out everywhere and then you don't

1054
00:52:34,719 --> 00:52:36,880
Speaker 5: argue with people. Let me tell you why you argue,

1055
00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:40,239
Speaker 5: not you, AJ, but like human beings. Right. So, and

1056
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:42,360
Speaker 5: I'm gonna put it in the dating context, right, So,

1057
00:52:42,840 --> 00:52:46,759
Speaker 5: Let's say, AJ, you meet someone and you are really

1058
00:52:46,840 --> 00:52:49,960
Speaker 5: into this person, you're really dating this person. In the

1059
00:52:50,040 --> 00:52:53,000
Speaker 5: beginning of the relationship, all you see is goodness about them,

1060
00:52:53,880 --> 00:52:55,800
Speaker 5: and then after a while they just turn into like

1061
00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:57,719
Speaker 5: that nigga that won't put the toilet c down. And

1062
00:52:57,840 --> 00:53:04,040
Speaker 5: you know, but when you attitude of gratefulness, they never

1063
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:07,840
Speaker 5: stop shining. And the reason you argue with someone is

1064
00:53:07,920 --> 00:53:10,760
Speaker 5: you are talking to someone and you were in that moment,

1065
00:53:11,719 --> 00:53:16,160
Speaker 5: You're no longer seeing the shine on them. And gratefulness

1066
00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:20,040
Speaker 5: is such a powerful weapon to our healing because all

1067
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:23,000
Speaker 5: you start seeing is shining. And I'm at a place

1068
00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:26,279
Speaker 5: right now like I'm grateful for all of it. My

1069
00:53:26,520 --> 00:53:30,640
Speaker 5: mother is the most amazing human being I've ever known,

1070
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:33,000
Speaker 5: and my father beat the shit out of me, but

1071
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:36,920
Speaker 5: I'm so grateful for every thing that has ever happened

1072
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:39,680
Speaker 5: to me because it brought me to this moment right now.

1073
00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:42,560
Speaker 5: If I could redo my childhood, I would pick my

1074
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:45,879
Speaker 5: exact same father and my exact same mother because I'm

1075
00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:49,439
Speaker 5: so grateful to every lesson I learned because it put

1076
00:53:49,480 --> 00:53:52,920
Speaker 5: me on this path. And AJ, you are doing things

1077
00:53:54,760 --> 00:53:58,000
Speaker 5: that no one gets to do, Like people can't just

1078
00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:02,759
Speaker 5: go to the breakfast club, just have a black effect podcast.

1079
00:54:03,400 --> 00:54:08,040
Speaker 5: People can't just break family patterns and wounds. You're doing

1080
00:54:08,360 --> 00:54:10,880
Speaker 5: all of that, and you have to be grateful for

1081
00:54:11,239 --> 00:54:14,160
Speaker 5: every single thing that contributed to it, not just the

1082
00:54:14,239 --> 00:54:14,959
Speaker 5: positive ones.

1083
00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:17,520
Speaker 3: Right, And so I am grateful, right, But when you're

1084
00:54:17,560 --> 00:54:22,000
Speaker 3: dealing with I'm grateful and I have a tremendous amount

1085
00:54:22,080 --> 00:54:25,359
Speaker 3: of self awareness. Right, But then I am and I'm

1086
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:28,759
Speaker 3: in a family where not everybody does, and you feel

1087
00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:33,240
Speaker 3: like you can't just discard your family, so I take refue.

1088
00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:35,120
Speaker 3: I mean you can, and you feel like you can,

1089
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:37,280
Speaker 3: is what I said, right, So I do take refuge

1090
00:54:37,440 --> 00:54:39,799
Speaker 3: and making sure I surround myself with people who are

1091
00:54:39,840 --> 00:54:42,279
Speaker 3: a little bit more like minded, which is also like

1092
00:54:42,360 --> 00:54:45,200
Speaker 3: a problem for people who are actually related to me.

1093
00:54:45,680 --> 00:54:48,719
Speaker 3: They don't like that term, but that's how If people

1094
00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:51,360
Speaker 3: don't get you, it's gonna always be turmoil.

1095
00:54:51,880 --> 00:54:54,120
Speaker 1: So whoever it may be, you have to surround yourself

1096
00:54:54,120 --> 00:54:55,920
Speaker 1: with people who get you.

1097
00:54:57,120 --> 00:54:59,560
Speaker 3: Right, So there's no issues, And I'm not saying it's

1098
00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:02,040
Speaker 3: never gonna to be a problem, but it's minimal and

1099
00:55:02,120 --> 00:55:04,480
Speaker 3: y'all able to get through it, see the bigger picture

1100
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:06,319
Speaker 3: and move on, right.

1101
00:55:06,480 --> 00:55:09,279
Speaker 1: So we're dealing with seventy year old people. It's a

1102
00:55:09,320 --> 00:55:10,080
Speaker 1: little bit different.

1103
00:55:10,719 --> 00:55:13,879
Speaker 5: No, I think that's true. But number one hundredson agree

1104
00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:15,440
Speaker 5: with you. You got to spend time around people that

1105
00:55:16,520 --> 00:55:22,600
Speaker 5: resonate with you. Number two you can just use I

1106
00:55:22,719 --> 00:55:23,760
Speaker 5: told my niece recently.

1107
00:55:23,960 --> 00:55:25,480
Speaker 1: Yes, it don't matter who it is.

1108
00:55:25,680 --> 00:55:28,040
Speaker 3: If this person is not making you happy, they're not

1109
00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:30,680
Speaker 3: a ray of sunshine when they come around, you don't

1110
00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:31,600
Speaker 3: have to deal with them.

1111
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:33,360
Speaker 1: That's even your mom anybody.

1112
00:55:33,480 --> 00:55:37,080
Speaker 5: That's true. If you do not trigger healthiness in me,

1113
00:55:37,760 --> 00:55:40,919
Speaker 5: I don't want to engage with you. And the third

1114
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:47,160
Speaker 5: thing I would say, your mother, How do I say

1115
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:49,880
Speaker 5: this the next time your mother is yelling at you

1116
00:55:50,160 --> 00:55:53,239
Speaker 5: and not being nice or whatever she might do. I

1117
00:55:53,360 --> 00:55:56,760
Speaker 5: want you to find the thing even in that moment,

1118
00:55:56,920 --> 00:55:59,320
Speaker 5: that you would be grateful for, Like, I'm so glad

1119
00:55:59,320 --> 00:56:01,360
Speaker 5: I had a mom that showed me this is not

1120
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:02,959
Speaker 5: how I want to live the rest of my life.

1121
00:56:04,400 --> 00:56:07,520
Speaker 4: That's so hard because in that moment you're like, I'm

1122
00:56:07,600 --> 00:56:09,719
Speaker 4: so grateful that she gonna get the fuck out of

1123
00:56:09,760 --> 00:56:10,120
Speaker 4: my face.

1124
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:12,799
Speaker 2: And just the same you know, like it's so hard

1125
00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:14,280
Speaker 2: to do those things in the moment.

1126
00:56:14,440 --> 00:56:16,759
Speaker 5: Good, that's true. I think that's true, but that's how

1127
00:56:16,840 --> 00:56:20,280
Speaker 5: you know. Like the thing I'm most I've written books,

1128
00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:25,720
Speaker 5: I've had, made millions of dollars, like I've done crazy things.

1129
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:30,160
Speaker 5: I am most proud of the fact that I've never

1130
00:56:30,280 --> 00:56:34,359
Speaker 5: put my hands on a woman ever. And that might

1131
00:56:34,440 --> 00:56:38,400
Speaker 5: sound stupid, but I'm most proud of that because I

1132
00:56:38,520 --> 00:56:42,440
Speaker 5: lived in a home where I saw domestic violence. And

1133
00:56:42,520 --> 00:56:44,440
Speaker 5: I remember in the seventh grade, I went to an

1134
00:56:44,480 --> 00:56:46,440
Speaker 5: assembly y'all remember when they used to like bring all

1135
00:56:46,600 --> 00:56:50,719
Speaker 5: everybody out of tam And that particular lecture was about

1136
00:56:50,800 --> 00:56:54,040
Speaker 5: domestic violence. And the lecturer that day said, if you

1137
00:56:54,160 --> 00:56:57,040
Speaker 5: live in a home and there's domestic violence, you're fifty

1138
00:56:57,120 --> 00:57:00,000
Speaker 5: two times more likely to be the perpetrator of domestic violence.

1139
00:57:00,040 --> 00:57:02,640
Speaker 5: I'll never forget here. And I remember sitting in my

1140
00:57:02,719 --> 00:57:06,040
Speaker 5: seat almost crying, like, man, I'm fucked. I'm fifty two

1141
00:57:06,160 --> 00:57:08,480
Speaker 5: times more likely to be a perpetrator of domestic violence.

1142
00:57:08,680 --> 00:57:10,719
Speaker 5: Now here, I am a forty six. I have never

1143
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:13,759
Speaker 5: put my hands on a woman in anger ever.

1144
00:57:14,080 --> 00:57:17,560
Speaker 2: But have you ever wanted to slap a bitch like girl?

1145
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:18,680
Speaker 1: If you don't get or.

1146
00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:21,360
Speaker 2: I God, I'm gonna knock across the county.

1147
00:57:24,720 --> 00:57:26,040
Speaker 1: So you ain't never shuck a bitch.

1148
00:57:28,640 --> 00:57:34,360
Speaker 5: No, that is, I've never done it, never done it.

1149
00:57:34,760 --> 00:57:36,840
Speaker 5: And where did I learn that? I learned that from

1150
00:57:36,920 --> 00:57:39,280
Speaker 5: watching my father and realizing I don't want to be

1151
00:57:39,440 --> 00:57:42,560
Speaker 5: like that. Yeah, and I'm grateful for that lesson, as

1152
00:57:42,720 --> 00:57:46,800
Speaker 5: ridiculous as that sounds, and mastering your own perception is

1153
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:49,960
Speaker 5: having the ability to, in real time say, I'm so

1154
00:57:50,160 --> 00:57:52,360
Speaker 5: grateful my mother taught me how horrible it is to

1155
00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:54,440
Speaker 5: yell at people. That's why I don't want to yell

1156
00:57:54,520 --> 00:57:56,160
Speaker 5: at Tam, That's why I don't want to yell at

1157
00:57:56,200 --> 00:57:57,880
Speaker 5: my close friends. That's why I don't want to you

1158
00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:00,360
Speaker 5: know what I mean, Aja, Like I don't. I learned

1159
00:58:00,440 --> 00:58:03,600
Speaker 5: how hurtful yelling is because my mother taught me. She

1160
00:58:03,760 --> 00:58:05,680
Speaker 5: could have taught me in a healthier way, but this

1161
00:58:05,840 --> 00:58:08,080
Speaker 5: is the way I learned it. I'm so grateful. I

1162
00:58:08,160 --> 00:58:09,840
Speaker 5: am not going to perpetrate this any further.

1163
00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:13,840
Speaker 1: That's still not my normal like go to setting though.

1164
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:17,040
Speaker 3: It's like things that get me there, right, and it

1165
00:58:17,360 --> 00:58:19,800
Speaker 3: comes with the lack of the lack of respect you

1166
00:58:19,880 --> 00:58:22,840
Speaker 3: start having for somebody, Right, That's that's really where yelling

1167
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:25,960
Speaker 3: and arguing and stuff things happen. And then you so

1168
00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:27,760
Speaker 3: you have to find a way I guess to get

1169
00:58:27,840 --> 00:58:31,360
Speaker 3: back the respect because I don't want to essentially disrespect

1170
00:58:31,440 --> 00:58:32,200
Speaker 3: somebody I love.

1171
00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:34,240
Speaker 1: I don't, no, but you have.

1172
00:58:34,400 --> 00:58:36,080
Speaker 5: You have to find a way to limit that person's

1173
00:58:36,120 --> 00:58:40,320
Speaker 5: access to you, Like if I'm continuing to disrespect you,

1174
00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:45,320
Speaker 5: Like if I come to your house and you tell

1175
00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:47,320
Speaker 5: me to take my shoes off at the front door,

1176
00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:50,720
Speaker 5: and every single time I come to your house, I'm like, man,

1177
00:58:50,760 --> 00:58:51,640
Speaker 5: fuck that, I'm gonna walk in here?

1178
00:58:51,680 --> 00:58:54,120
Speaker 1: How I want to tuck your couch? Fuck your couch.

1179
00:58:56,480 --> 00:59:00,600
Speaker 5: Eventually you should stop inviting me to your house, right, Yeah,

1180
00:59:00,760 --> 00:59:03,440
Speaker 5: So I think you have to think about if it's

1181
00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:06,840
Speaker 5: not my normal go to it's a process of me

1182
00:59:06,920 --> 00:59:09,600
Speaker 5: losing respect for a person, why are you allowing people

1183
00:59:09,640 --> 00:59:11,680
Speaker 5: that you've lost respect for to have access to you?

1184
00:59:12,640 --> 00:59:15,120
Speaker 1: Sometimes obligation, you know what I'm saying.

1185
00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:18,760
Speaker 3: And then also, I guess understandomes you also have to

1186
00:59:19,120 --> 00:59:22,880
Speaker 3: maybe see other people's perspective and how they perceive it, right,

1187
00:59:22,920 --> 00:59:25,520
Speaker 3: And now again that comes with respecting that person enough

1188
00:59:25,560 --> 00:59:28,680
Speaker 3: to see that they may have perceived a situation totally

1189
00:59:28,760 --> 00:59:30,400
Speaker 3: different from how you perceived it.

1190
00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:34,800
Speaker 5: Correct. Yeah, but I'm also not talking about access in

1191
00:59:34,880 --> 00:59:38,640
Speaker 5: terms of proximal Like the event I met you at,

1192
00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,440
Speaker 5: there was a ton of people there. Let's say I

1193
00:59:40,520 --> 00:59:43,040
Speaker 5: had to be for with one of them. I can

1194
00:59:43,160 --> 00:59:45,360
Speaker 5: show up at the event and not give that person

1195
00:59:45,480 --> 00:59:48,400
Speaker 5: access to my heart, to my mind. I can just

1196
00:59:48,480 --> 00:59:51,040
Speaker 5: be around them, But you don't have access to the

1197
00:59:51,120 --> 00:59:54,600
Speaker 5: things that are important. You don't have access to my spirit, right.

1198
00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:58,200
Speaker 1: Right. Yeah, I gotta work on it.

1199
01:00:00,320 --> 01:00:02,720
Speaker 3: I gotta work on it. All that stuff stem from childhood.

1200
01:00:02,720 --> 01:00:06,120
Speaker 3: I think we are all like younger than our parents,

1201
01:00:06,800 --> 01:00:09,240
Speaker 3: but we're so much older and energy.

1202
01:00:09,840 --> 01:00:12,000
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. I feel like I'm a

1203
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:14,560
Speaker 1: couple thousand years old. Like I know I'm older than

1204
01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:15,200
Speaker 1: my parents.

1205
01:00:16,640 --> 01:00:17,600
Speaker 2: I know my parents.

1206
01:00:17,680 --> 01:00:21,880
Speaker 5: Anybody put it like that, Yeah, I've never heard, but

1207
01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:25,000
Speaker 5: I feel like we all deal with it. Nobody gets

1208
01:00:25,040 --> 01:00:28,320
Speaker 5: through life without trauma, scars and wounds. The trick is,

1209
01:00:28,440 --> 01:00:30,920
Speaker 5: don't live your life from the perspective of your trauma,

1210
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:32,840
Speaker 5: scars and wounds. Mmmm.

1211
01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:37,720
Speaker 4: I just see me now, Like when I'm going on

1212
01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:39,959
Speaker 4: another date or something and they're late and i haven't

1213
01:00:40,000 --> 01:00:41,320
Speaker 4: heard from them, and I'm just sitting there.

1214
01:00:41,640 --> 01:00:43,920
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna be sitting there, like I forgive you, daddy.

1215
01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:44,880
Speaker 2: I forgive you, daddy.

1216
01:00:46,200 --> 01:00:48,560
Speaker 1: Shut up. I'm so sick of you.

1217
01:00:50,760 --> 01:00:52,600
Speaker 2: That's how I'm gonna handle it. So I don't go on.

1218
01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:54,919
Speaker 1: And depending on who that man is, you probably gonna

1219
01:00:54,960 --> 01:00:58,560
Speaker 1: have a lot of grace for him. Very clear. You

1220
01:00:58,760 --> 01:01:00,520
Speaker 1: treating the ones that could be treat like that.

1221
01:01:03,480 --> 01:01:07,160
Speaker 5: Across the board. If you're gonna be late. That's one

1222
01:01:07,200 --> 01:01:07,880
Speaker 5: of my triggers.

1223
01:01:08,840 --> 01:01:12,919
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, just it's not just. It's not just late.

1224
01:01:13,040 --> 01:01:15,440
Speaker 2: It's like saying you're gonna do something and then not

1225
01:01:15,600 --> 01:01:17,720
Speaker 2: doing it and then not speaking it.

1226
01:01:18,720 --> 01:01:21,400
Speaker 5: Tell them that and it's and by the way, tam,

1227
01:01:21,520 --> 01:01:24,120
Speaker 5: it is okay to have triggers like that is what

1228
01:01:24,280 --> 01:01:27,560
Speaker 5: we all have them, like we all we all have.

1229
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:29,640
Speaker 5: One of my triggers is if you get mad at me,

1230
01:01:30,680 --> 01:01:32,440
Speaker 5: don't call me the next day me like, hey man,

1231
01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:35,240
Speaker 5: what you doing, because my I have to resolve the

1232
01:01:35,320 --> 01:01:38,280
Speaker 5: thing that we argued about the last time we talked.

1233
01:01:38,320 --> 01:01:40,720
Speaker 5: And the reason that I have that is my father

1234
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:42,760
Speaker 5: used to beat this shit out of me all night

1235
01:01:43,160 --> 01:01:44,800
Speaker 5: and then I'd wake up in the morning. He'd be like,

1236
01:01:45,400 --> 01:01:46,960
Speaker 5: what do you want on your French toe, son? And

1237
01:01:47,000 --> 01:01:52,720
Speaker 5: I'd be like, what, No, we have to resolution to

1238
01:01:52,800 --> 01:01:54,760
Speaker 5: what happened last night. That is a trigger for mine,

1239
01:01:54,800 --> 01:01:58,120
Speaker 5: and I'm okay with that trigger. So it's perfectly reasonable

1240
01:01:58,160 --> 01:02:01,920
Speaker 5: to tell somebody that you were wanting date. I'm someone

1241
01:02:02,040 --> 01:02:04,400
Speaker 5: you need to follow through with the ship you say,

1242
01:02:05,120 --> 01:02:07,760
Speaker 5: or I may cuss you up. You need to tell

1243
01:02:07,840 --> 01:02:11,000
Speaker 5: him that, and that's okay. That doesn't make you unhealed.

1244
01:02:11,240 --> 01:02:13,240
Speaker 5: That doesn't mean it's something wrong with you. It just

1245
01:02:13,320 --> 01:02:16,560
Speaker 5: means you're honoring your past experiences and we all have them.

1246
01:02:17,680 --> 01:02:19,440
Speaker 2: Okay, And that won't scare a nigga off.

1247
01:02:20,680 --> 01:02:24,200
Speaker 1: It'll stare the wrong nigga off, right exactly, We.

1248
01:02:24,320 --> 01:02:27,000
Speaker 5: Will say the right one will say thank you for

1249
01:02:27,120 --> 01:02:29,560
Speaker 5: telling me. I'm gonna do every I have such a

1250
01:02:29,760 --> 01:02:32,800
Speaker 5: desire to be with you. I will work really hard

1251
01:02:32,880 --> 01:02:34,520
Speaker 5: to make sure I don't trigger you in that way.

1252
01:02:36,800 --> 01:02:39,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, because that's like beating up a kid for not

1253
01:02:39,400 --> 01:02:41,000
Speaker 3: cleaning their room, but you never showed him how to

1254
01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:43,360
Speaker 3: clean their room, so like you beating him up for

1255
01:02:43,720 --> 01:02:46,200
Speaker 3: doing some shit he didn't know that would But I mean,

1256
01:02:46,280 --> 01:02:48,400
Speaker 3: it's it's common courtesy as far as I'm concerned.

1257
01:02:48,440 --> 01:02:50,000
Speaker 1: If you're gonna be late, hit me up.

1258
01:02:50,960 --> 01:02:52,720
Speaker 5: But what if I can't what if I can't. What

1259
01:02:52,800 --> 01:02:56,200
Speaker 5: if I'm so busy on ways dealing with LA traffic

1260
01:02:56,800 --> 01:02:59,320
Speaker 5: that I was nervous to call you.

1261
01:02:59,800 --> 01:03:08,800
Speaker 1: And in jail, some bad batter happened, right who died?

1262
01:03:11,800 --> 01:03:13,960
Speaker 5: But look, I don't want to It goes back to

1263
01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:15,800
Speaker 5: what I said earlier, Tam, I don't want to call you,

1264
01:03:15,960 --> 01:03:18,840
Speaker 5: and you answered the phone like I don't want.

1265
01:03:18,680 --> 01:03:20,520
Speaker 2: To call you and do that you come elieve with

1266
01:03:20,640 --> 01:03:22,000
Speaker 2: the bullshit what happened.

1267
01:03:22,720 --> 01:03:27,600
Speaker 5: I don't want to call you that. I don't want

1268
01:03:27,600 --> 01:03:29,360
Speaker 5: to call you that. But the right person will hear

1269
01:03:29,440 --> 01:03:32,360
Speaker 5: you say that and will honor all of your requests

1270
01:03:32,360 --> 01:03:35,520
Speaker 5: and wishes. And we all have them. Just because you

1271
01:03:35,560 --> 01:03:37,120
Speaker 5: have a trigger doesn't mean it's something wrong you need

1272
01:03:37,160 --> 01:03:39,000
Speaker 5: to fix. It just means that's part of who you are,

1273
01:03:39,080 --> 01:03:41,240
Speaker 5: it's part of your story, that's part of your journey.

1274
01:03:42,560 --> 01:03:45,160
Speaker 4: That's interesting because I always thought like triggers were ship

1275
01:03:45,280 --> 01:03:46,520
Speaker 4: we had to change.

1276
01:03:46,720 --> 01:03:49,480
Speaker 5: Like, no, we all have them. There is no way

1277
01:03:49,560 --> 01:03:53,120
Speaker 5: to de triggerify your life. There's just no way to

1278
01:03:53,240 --> 01:03:55,360
Speaker 5: do that. We all have them, so we all have

1279
01:03:55,480 --> 01:03:57,160
Speaker 5: to live by them, we all have to own them.

1280
01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:59,880
Speaker 5: We all have to recognize like this is who I am.

1281
01:04:00,120 --> 01:04:00,520
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

1282
01:04:02,400 --> 01:04:05,880
Speaker 5: One of my times control tam, You and I probably

1283
01:04:05,880 --> 01:04:08,760
Speaker 5: could never date because I'm super spontaneous and I run

1284
01:04:08,840 --> 01:04:12,640
Speaker 5: late all the time. My one of my triggers is

1285
01:04:12,680 --> 01:04:15,400
Speaker 5: being controlled. I do not like. It makes me feel claustrophobic,

1286
01:04:15,520 --> 01:04:18,600
Speaker 5: makes me feel me because of the childhood I had.

1287
01:04:18,920 --> 01:04:20,320
Speaker 5: And I don't have to fix that. I just have

1288
01:04:20,400 --> 01:04:22,320
Speaker 5: to make sure I find people that don't control me.

1289
01:04:22,680 --> 01:04:25,080
Speaker 2: So you feel like telling somebody if you're going to

1290
01:04:25,120 --> 01:04:26,440
Speaker 2: be late is being controlled?

1291
01:04:27,600 --> 01:04:28,680
Speaker 5: Yes? I do for sure.

1292
01:04:29,560 --> 01:04:31,280
Speaker 1: Damn I do too.

1293
01:04:31,440 --> 01:04:31,600
Speaker 2: Man.

1294
01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:33,240
Speaker 1: I feel like if I got to keep checking in

1295
01:04:33,360 --> 01:04:35,200
Speaker 1: with you, I feel some type of way like.

1296
01:04:35,360 --> 01:04:36,160
Speaker 5: You're telling me what.

1297
01:04:38,080 --> 01:04:40,400
Speaker 2: It's telling you what to do by not being late.

1298
01:04:41,720 --> 01:04:43,800
Speaker 2: So are you? So let me ask you this.

1299
01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:47,280
Speaker 4: If you have appointments with your clients, do you are

1300
01:04:47,320 --> 01:04:48,959
Speaker 4: you accountable to them about time?

1301
01:04:50,440 --> 01:04:54,160
Speaker 5: I'm I'm late for everything. I was late to this.

1302
01:04:54,480 --> 01:05:02,200
Speaker 5: I'm I'm late to everything, and it's not my fault.

1303
01:05:02,200 --> 01:05:04,240
Speaker 5: I was sitting here, man, I'm sitting at my dead

1304
01:05:04,480 --> 01:05:06,800
Speaker 5: at this little table, working, and I was like, man,

1305
01:05:06,880 --> 01:05:08,600
Speaker 5: let me go ahead and jump on a few minutes early.

1306
01:05:08,680 --> 01:05:11,800
Speaker 5: And I jumped on and and Chrome made me update

1307
01:05:11,840 --> 01:05:17,520
Speaker 5: and I was like that's just me, right, that shit happens.

1308
01:05:18,160 --> 01:05:20,920
Speaker 5: Shit happens, that's just my personality.

1309
01:05:21,640 --> 01:05:24,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I would be there trying to choke slam

1310
01:05:31,240 --> 01:05:32,080
Speaker 2: come a little closer.

1311
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:38,560
Speaker 5: But that's like, you have to know who you are

1312
01:05:38,600 --> 01:05:41,400
Speaker 5: and being in a relationship with people who can extentum

1313
01:05:41,600 --> 01:05:44,840
Speaker 5: and love you, including your flow. It's not gonna work

1314
01:05:44,920 --> 01:05:46,640
Speaker 5: if every time you called a dude to come over,

1315
01:05:46,760 --> 01:05:48,160
Speaker 5: you end up wanting to hit him in the head with.

1316
01:05:48,160 --> 01:05:53,320
Speaker 1: A baseball, Right, they used to like that club very quick.

1317
01:05:58,120 --> 01:06:01,160
Speaker 5: It ain't gonna work if that's the dynamics.

1318
01:06:01,480 --> 01:06:03,080
Speaker 1: The love that.

1319
01:06:03,760 --> 01:06:05,480
Speaker 3: I had a guy telling me to text me the

1320
01:06:05,600 --> 01:06:08,720
Speaker 3: other day, like, and I'm misconscrewing what he's saying.

1321
01:06:08,560 --> 01:06:11,560
Speaker 1: Via text message, because first of all, it's text.

1322
01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:13,080
Speaker 3: So you leave it till you read it to interpret

1323
01:06:13,120 --> 01:06:14,880
Speaker 3: what the fuck it is you're actually trying to say.

1324
01:06:15,520 --> 01:06:17,000
Speaker 1: So he was like, you know, you got to cuss

1325
01:06:17,160 --> 01:06:20,600
Speaker 1: me out sometimes, like you got it put. I'm like, no,

1326
01:06:21,240 --> 01:06:22,200
Speaker 1: that's not what I want to do.

1327
01:06:22,360 --> 01:06:25,000
Speaker 3: That's what his mom too, That's what I'm saying, Like

1328
01:06:25,240 --> 01:06:27,120
Speaker 3: he wants somebody to check him, but why are you

1329
01:06:27,240 --> 01:06:28,840
Speaker 3: doing things that I got to check you about?

1330
01:06:29,640 --> 01:06:31,600
Speaker 5: I would have a different question. My question for me

1331
01:06:31,680 --> 01:06:33,760
Speaker 5: would be why are you in a relationships with someone

1332
01:06:33,800 --> 01:06:35,560
Speaker 5: who can't accept the kind of love that you give?

1333
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:39,960
Speaker 5: And I'll give you an example. Clinically, I was doing

1334
01:06:40,600 --> 01:06:43,000
Speaker 5: Sometimes couples come to therapy with things that are just

1335
01:06:43,120 --> 01:06:45,840
Speaker 5: kind of off the wall, and I was doing therapy

1336
01:06:45,920 --> 01:06:50,040
Speaker 5: with this couple and she was like, I'm so mad

1337
01:06:50,120 --> 01:06:53,720
Speaker 5: at him because he won't hit me. And this was

1338
01:06:53,920 --> 01:06:56,959
Speaker 5: like the nicest dude you ever met in your life.

1339
01:06:57,960 --> 01:07:00,440
Speaker 5: And it turns out that her father was a abusive,

1340
01:07:00,800 --> 01:07:04,000
Speaker 5: her boyfriends have all been abusive, and her first husband

1341
01:07:04,120 --> 01:07:06,560
Speaker 5: was abusive. So now she's in a relationship with this

1342
01:07:06,680 --> 01:07:10,760
Speaker 5: guy who just oozes niceness and kindness, and she's like,

1343
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:13,560
Speaker 5: I can't make him mad enough to hit me, which

1344
01:07:13,640 --> 01:07:16,720
Speaker 5: makes me think he doesn't care about me. You have

1345
01:07:16,880 --> 01:07:19,680
Speaker 5: to heal from that stuff. So if some guy AJ

1346
01:07:19,920 --> 01:07:22,320
Speaker 5: is telling you I need you to cuss me out sometimes,

1347
01:07:22,680 --> 01:07:24,680
Speaker 5: and you are overtly saying but I'm trying not to

1348
01:07:24,760 --> 01:07:27,840
Speaker 5: be an arguer, he is now disqualified for being your

1349
01:07:27,920 --> 01:07:28,520
Speaker 5: life partner.

1350
01:07:28,800 --> 01:07:30,720
Speaker 1: Oh, I already know you know what I'm saying. I

1351
01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:31,120
Speaker 1: already know.

1352
01:07:31,240 --> 01:07:33,200
Speaker 3: I actually had to go back to the messages because

1353
01:07:33,200 --> 01:07:35,440
Speaker 3: it started with him saying I want you to be

1354
01:07:35,560 --> 01:07:36,320
Speaker 3: crazy about me.

1355
01:07:37,040 --> 01:07:40,120
Speaker 5: And I said why, that's exactly my part.

1356
01:07:41,400 --> 01:07:43,360
Speaker 1: And I said why he was like, if you fuck

1357
01:07:43,440 --> 01:07:44,800
Speaker 1: with me, I need you to know. I need to

1358
01:07:44,840 --> 01:07:45,800
Speaker 1: know you don't play about me.

1359
01:07:45,880 --> 01:07:48,280
Speaker 3: I said, I shouldn't be put in a position to

1360
01:07:48,400 --> 01:07:51,160
Speaker 3: display how much I don't play about you. Like what,

1361
01:07:51,600 --> 01:07:54,000
Speaker 3: you know what, I'm always giving therapy to niggas, first

1362
01:07:54,040 --> 01:07:56,640
Speaker 3: of all, and even when I leave them, it's therapy

1363
01:07:56,720 --> 01:07:57,000
Speaker 3: for them.

1364
01:07:57,320 --> 01:07:58,960
Speaker 1: I gonna try to be bad next time.

1365
01:07:59,160 --> 01:08:03,600
Speaker 4: I know a girl who uh she had her child's

1366
01:08:03,600 --> 01:08:07,320
Speaker 4: father was physically abusive, and she posted pictures on social.

1367
01:08:07,120 --> 01:08:08,680
Speaker 2: Media and how he beat her and it was really

1368
01:08:08,760 --> 01:08:11,400
Speaker 2: sad to see. And she left and moved to another town.

1369
01:08:11,520 --> 01:08:13,640
Speaker 4: And then she was with another guy and she's posting

1370
01:08:13,680 --> 01:08:16,280
Speaker 4: pictures of how he beat her too, And then she

1371
01:08:16,360 --> 01:08:17,200
Speaker 4: went with another guy.

1372
01:08:17,240 --> 01:08:20,240
Speaker 2: And then I started to think, like, is there something

1373
01:08:21,000 --> 01:08:22,040
Speaker 2: in her about her?

1374
01:08:22,400 --> 01:08:26,400
Speaker 5: That is for sure? You know, for sure? As people,

1375
01:08:27,360 --> 01:08:31,080
Speaker 5: we choose what is comfortable, not what is healthy. That's

1376
01:08:31,160 --> 01:08:34,520
Speaker 5: just what we do as people. We do what's comfortable,

1377
01:08:34,600 --> 01:08:38,280
Speaker 5: not what is healthy. So if I'm used to an angry,

1378
01:08:38,680 --> 01:08:43,479
Speaker 5: abusive dynamic, then I choose what is comfortable, not what

1379
01:08:43,720 --> 01:08:44,120
Speaker 5: is healthy?

1380
01:08:45,040 --> 01:08:45,439
Speaker 1: Mmmm?

1381
01:08:45,800 --> 01:08:47,840
Speaker 2: So okay, I have one more question. This is about

1382
01:08:47,880 --> 01:08:49,280
Speaker 2: to get deep in my shit on my cray.

1383
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:50,640
Speaker 5: There we go.

1384
01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:56,920
Speaker 4: So I keep entertaining people who are unavailable in some way,

1385
01:08:57,520 --> 01:08:59,680
Speaker 4: like they're all the way in la or are they

1386
01:09:00,200 --> 01:09:03,160
Speaker 4: I ain't really interested in the in ces right now,

1387
01:09:03,560 --> 01:09:08,760
Speaker 4: or just just newly divorced, or you know, not ready

1388
01:09:08,800 --> 01:09:10,840
Speaker 4: to get into anything. And these are the people I

1389
01:09:11,000 --> 01:09:13,720
Speaker 4: keep entertaining, And I keep asking myself why am I

1390
01:09:13,880 --> 01:09:17,559
Speaker 4: only entertaining people that are unavailable in some way?

1391
01:09:17,720 --> 01:09:19,599
Speaker 2: Does that mean I'm unavailable in some way too?

1392
01:09:21,760 --> 01:09:25,280
Speaker 5: My first, my first I'll answer that in a second,

1393
01:09:25,280 --> 01:09:27,880
Speaker 5: But I have two qualifying questions. First, my first question

1394
01:09:29,040 --> 01:09:30,560
Speaker 5: is why do you think you do that?

1395
01:09:31,560 --> 01:09:32,720
Speaker 2: I don't know, I don't know.

1396
01:09:33,080 --> 01:09:35,080
Speaker 4: I'll look up and I'd be like, shit, I'm doing it,

1397
01:09:35,160 --> 01:09:38,519
Speaker 4: And fuck again. You know I'm entertaining to someone who

1398
01:09:38,640 --> 01:09:39,920
Speaker 4: isn't available.

1399
01:09:39,520 --> 01:09:41,800
Speaker 2: In the way. Why am I entertaining a guy who's

1400
01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:44,519
Speaker 2: all the way in fucking London?

1401
01:09:45,520 --> 01:09:48,920
Speaker 1: Can I tell you the therapy I gave her? She

1402
01:09:49,200 --> 01:09:50,360
Speaker 1: likes unattainability.

1403
01:09:50,760 --> 01:09:54,080
Speaker 3: She likes that she likes men who are unattainable, and

1404
01:09:54,160 --> 01:09:55,960
Speaker 3: the available guy is not appealing.

1405
01:09:57,400 --> 01:10:04,880
Speaker 5: Well, that brings my second question. Do you yourself have

1406
01:10:05,680 --> 01:10:08,280
Speaker 5: unconscious commitment issues? Oh?

1407
01:10:08,360 --> 01:10:11,760
Speaker 2: I definitely a conscious I definitely have commitment. I'm gonna commit.

1408
01:10:11,800 --> 01:10:12,839
Speaker 2: I have fear of commitment.

1409
01:10:12,960 --> 01:10:15,559
Speaker 4: I don't know what it sparks from, but I definitely

1410
01:10:15,640 --> 01:10:17,439
Speaker 4: have fear. I always feel like I'm gonna choose the

1411
01:10:17,479 --> 01:10:19,920
Speaker 4: wrong person and I'm gonna look up and I've been

1412
01:10:20,000 --> 01:10:22,559
Speaker 4: with someone I've given invested all this time into someone

1413
01:10:22,640 --> 01:10:27,639
Speaker 4: who wasn't right or that's my biggest fear, like I'm

1414
01:10:27,640 --> 01:10:28,360
Speaker 4: gonna choose wrong.

1415
01:10:29,080 --> 01:10:32,320
Speaker 5: But that's the answer, because you protect yourself from choosing

1416
01:10:32,400 --> 01:10:34,040
Speaker 5: wrong by choosing people you can't have.

1417
01:10:35,320 --> 01:10:37,200
Speaker 2: MM, So how do I fix that?

1418
01:10:38,880 --> 01:10:40,000
Speaker 5: How old are you ask you that?

1419
01:10:41,400 --> 01:10:43,280
Speaker 2: No? No, you can't.

1420
01:10:43,360 --> 01:10:47,320
Speaker 1: Oh the fucking enough, grow your ass up tomorrow.

1421
01:10:47,560 --> 01:10:49,840
Speaker 2: I'm late thirty somewhere in there.

1422
01:10:50,600 --> 01:10:53,120
Speaker 5: All right, what's the longest relationship you've ever had?

1423
01:10:54,160 --> 01:10:57,400
Speaker 2: So, I've had Like, so I was with I don't

1424
01:10:57,439 --> 01:10:59,400
Speaker 2: know if this counts. I was with one guy from

1425
01:10:59,520 --> 01:11:02,719
Speaker 2: sixty to twenty six, and then I was with another

1426
01:11:02,840 --> 01:11:08,720
Speaker 2: guy from twenty nine to thirty three. Thirty. Yeah, so

1427
01:11:08,880 --> 01:11:12,439
Speaker 2: then after that I've been single, completely single ever since.

1428
01:11:13,360 --> 01:11:14,080
Speaker 5: No, dates at all.

1429
01:11:14,080 --> 01:11:18,000
Speaker 4: Oh no, I done had situationshifts, sneaky legs, things like that,

1430
01:11:18,200 --> 01:11:22,000
Speaker 4: but not anything. I haven't posted anybody on my social

1431
01:11:22,040 --> 01:11:22,679
Speaker 4: media system.

1432
01:11:22,800 --> 01:11:23,640
Speaker 2: Let's just say that.

1433
01:11:24,000 --> 01:11:30,880
Speaker 5: God, okay, I would say, you have to risk choosing

1434
01:11:30,960 --> 01:11:33,280
Speaker 5: the wrong one to choose the right one, and you

1435
01:11:33,360 --> 01:11:35,640
Speaker 5: have to trust yourself when I realize it's the wrong one,

1436
01:11:35,640 --> 01:11:36,640
Speaker 5: I'll be able to get out of it.

1437
01:11:38,840 --> 01:11:40,600
Speaker 4: But that's the thing, all right, and right, let me

1438
01:11:40,640 --> 01:11:43,080
Speaker 4: tell you my fear. So when I lock in with

1439
01:11:43,200 --> 01:11:45,760
Speaker 4: someone like that, I lock in for dear life. I

1440
01:11:45,800 --> 01:11:47,600
Speaker 4: don't want to let go. I stick it out for

1441
01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:50,600
Speaker 4: all the bullshit, all the red flags. I'll be just

1442
01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:54,040
Speaker 4: locked in so hard, and I don't know how to

1443
01:11:54,400 --> 01:11:56,160
Speaker 4: I don't know how to let go when I go there.

1444
01:11:57,040 --> 01:11:58,720
Speaker 4: So that's why it fears me to go there.

1445
01:11:59,400 --> 01:12:03,320
Speaker 5: I think we should change that that dynamic, so you'll know,

1446
01:12:03,920 --> 01:12:06,959
Speaker 5: if I choose a guy and I notice red flags,

1447
01:12:07,640 --> 01:12:10,479
Speaker 5: I'm gonna learn how to let go so I can

1448
01:12:10,680 --> 01:12:13,720
Speaker 5: choose the next guy, you know what I mean.

1449
01:12:13,920 --> 01:12:16,240
Speaker 1: Like, that's where I'm at. I think so Tammy thinks

1450
01:12:16,240 --> 01:12:18,519
Speaker 1: I'm a she thinks I'm much well.

1451
01:12:18,439 --> 01:12:22,960
Speaker 3: I call myself a I call her a serial monogamous, okay,

1452
01:12:23,040 --> 01:12:26,400
Speaker 3: because I well, and it's traditional trinogamy. I mean it's

1453
01:12:26,479 --> 01:12:30,200
Speaker 3: it's modern day monogamy where you fuck with one person

1454
01:12:30,200 --> 01:12:33,720
Speaker 3: at a time, right, because I don't have the emotional

1455
01:12:33,920 --> 01:12:36,280
Speaker 3: energy like to give to multiple people. Right, So if

1456
01:12:36,320 --> 01:12:38,639
Speaker 3: I if I connect with somebody, I try to see

1457
01:12:38,680 --> 01:12:41,720
Speaker 3: what's up. What I'm learning now is that I don't

1458
01:12:41,800 --> 01:12:44,600
Speaker 3: have a whole year for anybody else anymore. Right, So

1459
01:12:44,720 --> 01:12:47,439
Speaker 3: the last situationship I was in lasted maybe about a

1460
01:12:47,560 --> 01:12:50,200
Speaker 3: year and like thirteen months or something like that. So

1461
01:12:50,360 --> 01:12:54,479
Speaker 3: like now this situation or whatever, if and it's cool,

1462
01:12:54,600 --> 01:12:56,320
Speaker 3: if it's not looking right, I know I need to

1463
01:12:56,400 --> 01:12:59,519
Speaker 3: get out earlier, right because I, like Tam just said, like,

1464
01:12:59,600 --> 01:13:02,920
Speaker 3: you'll stay in relationships longer the shit been expired and

1465
01:13:03,040 --> 01:13:05,040
Speaker 3: you just sticking it out. But you don't have to

1466
01:13:05,160 --> 01:13:08,679
Speaker 3: constantly compromise with people, you don't, you know what I'm saying.

1467
01:13:09,040 --> 01:13:12,000
Speaker 3: Station your ship then with it, y'all need to part ways.

1468
01:13:12,120 --> 01:13:15,599
Speaker 3: But you get comfortable and familiar and you just start

1469
01:13:15,640 --> 01:13:17,479
Speaker 3: hanging out. So now I guess my thing is just

1470
01:13:17,560 --> 01:13:19,080
Speaker 3: getting a funk out earlier.

1471
01:13:19,120 --> 01:13:21,640
Speaker 1: I'm ana lock in. I like new relationships.

1472
01:13:21,680 --> 01:13:23,920
Speaker 3: I like first dates I like all that shit, and

1473
01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:25,280
Speaker 3: then I'm a lock in and I'm gonna get the

1474
01:13:25,280 --> 01:13:25,760
Speaker 3: fuck out, and.

1475
01:13:25,800 --> 01:13:28,920
Speaker 2: Now locking with nobody, I'll be like, who is this O?

1476
01:13:29,160 --> 01:13:38,360
Speaker 6: Hey, I'm sorry you saying your number yet you ain't

1477
01:13:38,400 --> 01:13:39,679
Speaker 6: maybe that far in my life.

1478
01:13:43,760 --> 01:13:47,160
Speaker 1: And I'm knowing who's next up on the agenda? Okay, I.

1479
01:13:51,280 --> 01:13:55,559
Speaker 5: Knowing thegenda is probably the greatest thing I've ever.

1480
01:13:55,439 --> 01:13:58,840
Speaker 1: Heard in my whole I be knowing, like, shit, what's up?

1481
01:14:03,840 --> 01:14:07,480
Speaker 5: Just trust your intuition and take action on your intuition,

1482
01:14:10,200 --> 01:14:13,519
Speaker 5: cause you know, like y'all know, like this person isn't

1483
01:14:13,560 --> 01:14:17,639
Speaker 5: for me, but I'm bored or I like one aspect

1484
01:14:17,680 --> 01:14:19,960
Speaker 5: of that, but you know they're not. They're not good

1485
01:14:20,000 --> 01:14:23,640
Speaker 5: for you. You should go, you should go. I went

1486
01:14:23,680 --> 01:14:26,799
Speaker 5: to college with a guy who became a police detective,

1487
01:14:27,680 --> 01:14:29,679
Speaker 5: and one day I was like, Bro, what's the coolest

1488
01:14:29,720 --> 01:14:32,479
Speaker 5: thing you've learned you've been a police detective? And he said,

1489
01:14:32,520 --> 01:14:35,760
Speaker 5: I think women truly have an intuition that men don't have.

1490
01:14:36,240 --> 01:14:39,240
Speaker 5: And I was like, what makes you say that? He said,

1491
01:14:39,280 --> 01:14:41,960
Speaker 5: every time I go to a crime scene where a

1492
01:14:42,080 --> 01:14:46,280
Speaker 5: woman was murdered by their ex, they've always called someone

1493
01:14:46,479 --> 01:14:49,880
Speaker 5: to say if something happens to me. Tonight. I was

1494
01:14:49,960 --> 01:14:52,679
Speaker 5: with so and so and he was like, why would

1495
01:14:52,680 --> 01:14:54,960
Speaker 5: they go to somebody's house where they felt like they

1496
01:14:55,000 --> 01:14:57,200
Speaker 5: had to let their friends know where they were? And

1497
01:14:57,320 --> 01:15:01,880
Speaker 5: it's because we don't listen to our tuition. And when

1498
01:15:02,000 --> 01:15:04,960
Speaker 5: y'all first are on a date and you realize this

1499
01:15:05,080 --> 01:15:07,200
Speaker 5: ain't somebody I want to be dating for long term,

1500
01:15:07,640 --> 01:15:10,800
Speaker 5: don't go on another date, just move the fuck on,

1501
01:15:11,160 --> 01:15:14,080
Speaker 5: Just go on to the next dynamic and.

1502
01:15:14,240 --> 01:15:18,519
Speaker 3: I'd be like six flags, red flags, Like six flags, bitch,

1503
01:15:18,640 --> 01:15:18,920
Speaker 3: let's go.

1504
01:15:23,160 --> 01:15:29,519
Speaker 5: No, you need to fall up and love. Love is

1505
01:15:29,640 --> 01:15:33,200
Speaker 5: the greatest, most powerful and amazing force on this planet.

1506
01:15:33,520 --> 01:15:36,920
Speaker 5: It is worth all the risks, fears and anxieties. You

1507
01:15:37,120 --> 01:15:39,720
Speaker 5: just have to learn how to find the person to

1508
01:15:39,920 --> 01:15:42,760
Speaker 5: go all in on and stop going all in on

1509
01:15:42,840 --> 01:15:44,639
Speaker 5: these wrong people, like they're just wrong.

1510
01:15:44,880 --> 01:15:47,720
Speaker 2: I just won't go all in on nobody now. I'm

1511
01:15:47,800 --> 01:15:50,280
Speaker 2: afraid I don't want to end up.

1512
01:15:50,360 --> 01:15:53,559
Speaker 4: I always have this fear that Ashley AJ is going

1513
01:15:53,680 --> 01:15:56,360
Speaker 4: to be on an episode of First forty eight saying yeah.

1514
01:15:56,400 --> 01:15:59,200
Speaker 2: I remember being on on there with her and Elliott

1515
01:15:59,640 --> 01:16:02,040
Speaker 2: and she was saying that she was gonna killing nigga.

1516
01:16:02,320 --> 01:16:05,400
Speaker 2: If you play with her, and I just don't that

1517
01:16:05,560 --> 01:16:06,280
Speaker 2: between me and you.

1518
01:16:06,560 --> 01:16:08,840
Speaker 3: I ain't getting caught. I told y'all, I got that

1519
01:16:09,439 --> 01:16:12,559
Speaker 3: that M for h money, murder for hyo. Okay, I'm

1520
01:16:12,600 --> 01:16:13,360
Speaker 3: not getting caught.

1521
01:16:15,560 --> 01:16:17,599
Speaker 5: That's the only difference is I'm not getting caught.

1522
01:16:18,240 --> 01:16:21,479
Speaker 1: Why you manifested getting caught, Nigga, Like we're not getting caught.

1523
01:16:22,760 --> 01:16:24,360
Speaker 5: Go back to like, I'm not like you. I'm not

1524
01:16:24,400 --> 01:16:31,000
Speaker 5: gonna kill nobody. Can we start there? Good? Look, life,

1525
01:16:32,000 --> 01:16:34,720
Speaker 5: like you're young enough. Both of y'all are young enough.

1526
01:16:36,880 --> 01:16:38,519
Speaker 5: And I can tell you this with a one hundred

1527
01:16:38,520 --> 01:16:42,839
Speaker 5: percent certainty from my clinical practice. I've talked to sixty

1528
01:16:43,160 --> 01:16:50,920
Speaker 5: seventy eighty year old Being alone is the worst experience ever.

1529
01:16:51,560 --> 01:16:54,320
Speaker 5: Life is meant to be lived.

1530
01:16:54,280 --> 01:16:56,640
Speaker 1: In love double occupancy.

1531
01:16:57,320 --> 01:17:03,639
Speaker 5: Yeah, so right now, you're young, you're vibrant. You don't

1532
01:17:03,640 --> 01:17:05,800
Speaker 5: want to turn seventy one and realize like, oh shit,

1533
01:17:05,840 --> 01:17:07,160
Speaker 5: I'm by myself in here.

1534
01:17:07,520 --> 01:17:09,200
Speaker 3: But you also don't want to turn seventy one and

1535
01:17:09,280 --> 01:17:12,160
Speaker 3: be with the wrong person all that time, because then.

1536
01:17:12,120 --> 01:17:16,400
Speaker 5: Listen to me telling you how to find the healthy relationship.

1537
01:17:17,520 --> 01:17:19,439
Speaker 5: Because I agree, you don't want to be seventy one

1538
01:17:19,520 --> 01:17:23,400
Speaker 5: with the wrong person. But people have come to therapy,

1539
01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:26,800
Speaker 5: and I'm telling you the regret they have is not

1540
01:17:28,479 --> 01:17:31,040
Speaker 5: not choosing a life partner. And they went at it

1541
01:17:31,120 --> 01:17:33,280
Speaker 5: alone and before you know it.

1542
01:17:33,880 --> 01:17:35,960
Speaker 4: Fuck seventy one. I don't want to be forty one

1543
01:17:36,040 --> 01:17:38,479
Speaker 4: in this bitch by myself. I be acting like I'm okay,

1544
01:17:38,600 --> 01:17:40,799
Speaker 4: But when I'm in here, eat my dinner at my little.

1545
01:17:40,600 --> 01:17:43,960
Speaker 2: Tree table, watch your sisters, cary myself, I be feeling it.

1546
01:17:45,880 --> 01:17:50,240
Speaker 5: Yeah, Like I want you guys to understand that love

1547
01:17:50,360 --> 01:17:52,880
Speaker 5: is worth the risk. Love is the greatest thing in

1548
01:17:53,000 --> 01:17:56,479
Speaker 5: the world. Life is meant to be lived with love.

1549
01:17:57,360 --> 01:18:00,880
Speaker 5: So take that chance and know if I go on

1550
01:18:00,960 --> 01:18:03,559
Speaker 5: a date with a person and I don't like this person,

1551
01:18:03,720 --> 01:18:06,880
Speaker 5: I don't ever have to see this motherfucker again ever.

1552
01:18:07,640 --> 01:18:10,519
Speaker 5: And I can keep going until I meet that person

1553
01:18:11,000 --> 01:18:16,160
Speaker 5: where I'm like, damn, like this is it? Like I

1554
01:18:16,280 --> 01:18:20,800
Speaker 5: didn't know that I could feel this way about someone

1555
01:18:20,880 --> 01:18:24,160
Speaker 5: who is healthy and makes me feel good and lifts

1556
01:18:24,240 --> 01:18:28,760
Speaker 5: me up. Find that you deserve it, y'all. Y'all deserve it.

1557
01:18:29,360 --> 01:18:31,280
Speaker 2: Do you think we could be too picky? Is there

1558
01:18:31,479 --> 01:18:32,080
Speaker 2: such thing as that?

1559
01:18:32,160 --> 01:18:34,120
Speaker 4: It's like, girl, you're not gonna find anyone because your

1560
01:18:34,240 --> 01:18:36,800
Speaker 4: requirements are not achievable.

1561
01:18:37,240 --> 01:18:38,040
Speaker 2: Is that possible.

1562
01:18:38,720 --> 01:18:41,200
Speaker 5: I suppose it's possible, but it's much less likely than

1563
01:18:41,240 --> 01:18:44,519
Speaker 5: the opposite. I would rather you be too picky than

1564
01:18:44,560 --> 01:18:48,840
Speaker 5: too loose. It's okay to have standards, In fact, it's necessary.

1565
01:18:49,080 --> 01:18:51,800
Speaker 5: If someone is not gonna be turned on to the

1566
01:18:51,840 --> 01:18:55,200
Speaker 5: stuff you're turned on to, then move on and go

1567
01:18:55,600 --> 01:18:59,320
Speaker 5: find a healthy relationship and never ever forget life is

1568
01:18:59,479 --> 01:19:05,760
Speaker 5: meant to be lived in companionship. Way to say this, but.

1569
01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:15,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, we went on way too long. But listen, Elliott.

1570
01:19:15,360 --> 01:19:19,559
Speaker 3: We have a segment in our show it's dumb Bitch stories, right,

1571
01:19:20,640 --> 01:19:24,040
Speaker 3: and then the equivalent to that is simp series. So

1572
01:19:24,120 --> 01:19:26,679
Speaker 3: we like to hear stories from men and women about

1573
01:19:26,720 --> 01:19:29,479
Speaker 3: the time that they got played in a relationship. Doesn't

1574
01:19:29,479 --> 01:19:31,920
Speaker 3: make you a simp for real, right, just somebody took

1575
01:19:31,920 --> 01:19:34,679
Speaker 3: advantage of a good guy. And we don't want any

1576
01:19:35,000 --> 01:19:38,000
Speaker 3: goddamn high school stories. Okay, we want some adult shit

1577
01:19:38,600 --> 01:19:44,000
Speaker 3: that altered some shit in you. So you did the psychotherapist, like,

1578
01:19:44,439 --> 01:19:46,000
Speaker 3: made you move a little bit different?

1579
01:19:46,200 --> 01:19:48,040
Speaker 2: Why are you thinking about that? Are you married now?

1580
01:19:48,080 --> 01:19:49,360
Speaker 2: Are you in a relationship now?

1581
01:19:50,000 --> 01:19:51,599
Speaker 5: I'm in a relationship now? Yeah?

1582
01:19:51,680 --> 01:19:52,160
Speaker 1: Oh shit?

1583
01:19:52,439 --> 01:19:59,280
Speaker 5: Okay, okay, I'm thinking, I know, thank you.

1584
01:19:59,520 --> 01:20:01,760
Speaker 1: How long you How long you been in your current relationship?

1585
01:20:02,560 --> 01:20:03,240
Speaker 5: A long time?

1586
01:20:03,600 --> 01:20:05,160
Speaker 1: Oh okay, so I got it.

1587
01:20:05,240 --> 01:20:06,720
Speaker 5: You say you don't any high school stories, but I

1588
01:20:06,760 --> 01:20:10,639
Speaker 5: gotta go back to high school. That's that's how long

1589
01:20:10,680 --> 01:20:12,599
Speaker 5: I've been not single. I gotta go back to high school.

1590
01:20:12,680 --> 01:20:14,280
Speaker 1: Oh okay, God damn okay.

1591
01:20:14,400 --> 01:20:18,040
Speaker 5: Tell when I was in high school and this this

1592
01:20:18,120 --> 01:20:20,720
Speaker 5: shit fucked me up bad, like it messages me to

1593
01:20:20,800 --> 01:20:24,599
Speaker 5: this day. When I was in high school, I had

1594
01:20:24,680 --> 01:20:28,600
Speaker 5: a crush on this girl named Sarah. Sarah was like

1595
01:20:28,720 --> 01:20:31,880
Speaker 5: the hot girl on the soccer team, like and when

1596
01:20:31,920 --> 01:20:35,000
Speaker 5: you're a guy like you, you just have no thoughts

1597
01:20:35,040 --> 01:20:37,719
Speaker 5: that Sarah's gonna ever like you. So I didn't tell nobody.

1598
01:20:38,320 --> 01:20:40,360
Speaker 5: And one day I came to school and my boys

1599
01:20:40,439 --> 01:20:42,280
Speaker 5: ran up to me, was like, hey, man, Sarah likes you.

1600
01:20:43,080 --> 01:20:47,200
Speaker 5: So I was like, dope, Sarah. I asked Sarah to

1601
01:20:47,280 --> 01:20:49,960
Speaker 5: go out. Sarah became my girlfriend for like two weeks,

1602
01:20:50,560 --> 01:20:52,919
Speaker 5: and then we just randomly broke up. I didn't understand

1603
01:20:53,000 --> 01:20:58,320
Speaker 5: why whatever. About six months later, I find out that

1604
01:20:58,520 --> 01:21:01,759
Speaker 5: one of the guys in my crew slipt with Sarah

1605
01:21:03,640 --> 01:21:06,280
Speaker 5: and another dude in my crew knew about it, and

1606
01:21:06,479 --> 01:21:11,280
Speaker 5: nobody told me. So to this day, I have trust

1607
01:21:11,360 --> 01:21:16,680
Speaker 5: issues with people telling me because actually the thing that

1608
01:21:16,760 --> 01:21:18,640
Speaker 5: hurt me so much wasn't so much her sleeping with

1609
01:21:18,800 --> 01:21:23,800
Speaker 5: whatever it was. My boy knew it did not, so

1610
01:21:24,240 --> 01:21:27,160
Speaker 5: I feel like she played me. I see on Facebook

1611
01:21:27,240 --> 01:21:30,840
Speaker 5: still and I ain't gonna lie. Like y'all know, Envy

1612
01:21:31,080 --> 01:21:34,320
Speaker 5: is probably the pettiest motherfucker I ever lived on Earth, Right,

1613
01:21:35,920 --> 01:21:37,560
Speaker 5: I have to admit I got a little bit of

1614
01:21:38,080 --> 01:21:40,760
Speaker 5: that pettiness to me because I'd be on Facebook seeing

1615
01:21:40,800 --> 01:21:42,559
Speaker 5: her fucked up life and I'd be.

1616
01:21:42,640 --> 01:21:47,320
Speaker 4: Like, excellent, excellent, Sarah, she smashed a holdie like that

1617
01:21:47,479 --> 01:21:48,759
Speaker 4: ray J when they called out.

1618
01:21:48,680 --> 01:21:54,800
Speaker 5: That girl, I could not be like, yes, I feel

1619
01:21:54,840 --> 01:21:56,840
Speaker 5: like that at all. But if I'm being very honest,

1620
01:21:57,240 --> 01:21:59,400
Speaker 5: I see her Facebook posts and I'd be like, that's

1621
01:21:59,439 --> 01:22:04,760
Speaker 5: what you mean. But that was probably the most like

1622
01:22:05,080 --> 01:22:07,880
Speaker 5: shook that I that I ever was, and it did

1623
01:22:07,960 --> 01:22:11,200
Speaker 5: impact how I how I treat my because now, and

1624
01:22:11,320 --> 01:22:14,599
Speaker 5: I know it's because of that, my super duper close friends,

1625
01:22:14,680 --> 01:22:17,680
Speaker 5: like I value them so much and I only have

1626
01:22:17,760 --> 01:22:20,160
Speaker 5: a few of them, but my super duper close friends.

1627
01:22:21,280 --> 01:22:23,400
Speaker 5: That was when I learned like not everybody who's your

1628
01:22:23,479 --> 01:22:26,120
Speaker 5: friend is your is your friend, not everybody who's in

1629
01:22:26,240 --> 01:22:27,519
Speaker 5: your corners in your corner.

1630
01:22:28,000 --> 01:22:29,880
Speaker 2: Oh, I agree. I just learned that lesson too.

1631
01:22:31,120 --> 01:22:34,120
Speaker 5: I still learn it, like, you know, becoming successful. And

1632
01:22:34,240 --> 01:22:36,439
Speaker 5: I mean I'm obviously I'm not the most successful person

1633
01:22:36,439 --> 01:22:38,280
Speaker 5: in the world, but I'm more successful anybody else. I know,

1634
01:22:38,960 --> 01:22:41,160
Speaker 5: anybody else I went to high school as grow up with.

1635
01:22:43,080 --> 01:22:45,880
Speaker 5: They'd be acting weird when you get successful.

1636
01:22:45,360 --> 01:22:48,280
Speaker 1: And it don't be you changing as everybody else.

1637
01:22:48,920 --> 01:22:51,040
Speaker 5: Yeah, And I see people like I can see y'all

1638
01:22:51,160 --> 01:22:54,160
Speaker 5: not clapping like I hear the ship y'all saying. It

1639
01:22:54,400 --> 01:22:56,960
Speaker 5: always trips me out to when people they talk about

1640
01:22:57,000 --> 01:22:58,760
Speaker 5: my social media, but I don't ever see them liking

1641
01:22:58,880 --> 01:23:01,840
Speaker 5: or sharing nothing, like so you watch everything I'll post,

1642
01:23:01,920 --> 01:23:03,920
Speaker 5: but I don't see you watching the share and nothing.

1643
01:23:04,360 --> 01:23:06,200
Speaker 5: I find that all weird. But I got some people

1644
01:23:06,280 --> 01:23:09,320
Speaker 5: that are like super duper down and that experience is

1645
01:23:09,320 --> 01:23:13,240
Speaker 5: where I learned you got to keep your circle super tight.

1646
01:23:13,520 --> 01:23:13,680
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1647
01:23:13,760 --> 01:23:16,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like my Facebook, I got like four thousand people

1648
01:23:16,360 --> 01:23:19,479
Speaker 4: on my Facebook that are people that I actually know. Like,

1649
01:23:19,880 --> 01:23:22,479
Speaker 4: I leave my Facebook for people that I actually know

1650
01:23:22,680 --> 01:23:25,560
Speaker 4: that I grew up with. I've encountered you in some

1651
01:23:26,200 --> 01:23:29,040
Speaker 4: former fashion and when we posted that we were doing

1652
01:23:29,120 --> 01:23:34,200
Speaker 4: Breakfast Club, I got twenty likes, thirty likes. It's like, damn,

1653
01:23:34,479 --> 01:23:36,200
Speaker 4: you went to school with me, our whole life and

1654
01:23:36,280 --> 01:23:38,840
Speaker 4: you only thirty people felt the need to love this shit.

1655
01:23:39,000 --> 01:23:39,559
Speaker 2: That's wow.

1656
01:23:40,640 --> 01:23:40,840
Speaker 1: Wow.

1657
01:23:42,400 --> 01:23:45,720
Speaker 5: I've been doing stand up with Tiffany Hattters recently. I've

1658
01:23:45,720 --> 01:23:49,040
Speaker 5: been on the Breakfast Club. I'm about to announce, you know,

1659
01:23:49,160 --> 01:23:54,080
Speaker 5: the partnership with The Black Effect. And I had another book.

1660
01:23:54,120 --> 01:23:55,800
Speaker 5: You said I had four books. My fifth book came

1661
01:23:55,840 --> 01:24:00,000
Speaker 5: out a little while ago, Like there's all these things

1662
01:24:00,280 --> 01:24:03,680
Speaker 5: and I'm like, so me writing a book. I just

1663
01:24:03,720 --> 01:24:06,120
Speaker 5: got one hundred, like five thousand of y'all like y'all

1664
01:24:06,160 --> 01:24:09,920
Speaker 5: my homies, and y'all ain't ain't clapping and celebrating. And

1665
01:24:10,000 --> 01:24:15,040
Speaker 5: the answer is no, because your light, your light triggers

1666
01:24:15,200 --> 01:24:18,280
Speaker 5: the insecurity in them, so they don't support you. And

1667
01:24:18,400 --> 01:24:21,000
Speaker 5: I always hate when people say, and people say this

1668
01:24:21,080 --> 01:24:23,200
Speaker 5: to me all the time, like stay humble, Like no,

1669
01:24:23,280 --> 01:24:24,160
Speaker 5: you don't want me to stay home.

1670
01:24:24,360 --> 01:24:25,559
Speaker 1: That was actually on my shit.

1671
01:24:25,920 --> 01:24:29,440
Speaker 3: That was that I wanted to talk about humble versus narcissist.

1672
01:24:30,320 --> 01:24:35,000
Speaker 5: Well, I think, well, narcissism versus humility is humility and

1673
01:24:35,080 --> 01:24:38,200
Speaker 5: narcissism aren't super duper linked. But most of the time

1674
01:24:38,240 --> 01:24:40,760
Speaker 5: when people tell you to stay humble, what they're really

1675
01:24:40,840 --> 01:24:44,080
Speaker 5: saying is you shining is making me uncomfortable. So stop

1676
01:24:44,160 --> 01:24:47,200
Speaker 5: making me uncomfortable. And if me shining makes you uncomfortable,

1677
01:24:47,240 --> 01:24:49,479
Speaker 5: you wasn't my homie anyway, you wouldn't you wasn't my

1678
01:24:49,600 --> 01:24:53,160
Speaker 5: bro anyway, you weren't down with me anyway. But that's

1679
01:24:53,240 --> 01:24:55,280
Speaker 5: really what happens is people treat it like that. So

1680
01:24:55,800 --> 01:24:58,280
Speaker 5: y'all keep shining and keep winning and keep growing and

1681
01:24:58,400 --> 01:25:01,120
Speaker 5: keep glowing. And if people don't like it, that's just

1682
01:25:01,200 --> 01:25:03,120
Speaker 5: for them. That's part of the consequences of success.

1683
01:25:04,120 --> 01:25:04,360
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1684
01:25:04,479 --> 01:25:07,439
Speaker 1: Man, I really don't be concerned about the public. My

1685
01:25:07,600 --> 01:25:08,519
Speaker 1: thing is my family.

1686
01:25:08,720 --> 01:25:10,479
Speaker 3: The people who are closest to me. Those are the

1687
01:25:10,479 --> 01:25:12,120
Speaker 3: people I want to clap for me. I really don't

1688
01:25:12,160 --> 01:25:15,200
Speaker 3: care if people outside of them my family.

1689
01:25:15,479 --> 01:25:18,560
Speaker 5: I've got family members struggling right now. I signed a

1690
01:25:18,640 --> 01:25:22,960
Speaker 5: TV deal and it is it is reorganized some of

1691
01:25:23,040 --> 01:25:26,599
Speaker 5: my family dynamics because they're just not like. People get

1692
01:25:26,720 --> 01:25:29,240
Speaker 5: used to who you were and they have a hard

1693
01:25:29,320 --> 01:25:33,320
Speaker 5: time with you becoming who you are exactly. I'm just

1694
01:25:33,439 --> 01:25:33,960
Speaker 5: not here from it.

1695
01:25:33,960 --> 01:25:37,120
Speaker 3: But actually you've probably been this person your whole life, right,

1696
01:25:37,439 --> 01:25:39,840
Speaker 3: So your whole life you're I'm just not realizing people

1697
01:25:39,880 --> 01:25:41,599
Speaker 3: have been trying to dem my shit, my whole life.

1698
01:25:41,960 --> 01:25:44,200
Speaker 3: But the whole time I knew exactly who I was,

1699
01:25:44,360 --> 01:25:46,960
Speaker 3: you just didn't, right, So you went out your way

1700
01:25:47,520 --> 01:25:49,200
Speaker 3: to try to make me feel like I'm not who

1701
01:25:49,240 --> 01:25:49,960
Speaker 3: the fuck I am?

1702
01:25:50,800 --> 01:25:55,160
Speaker 4: Okay, Elliott, tell everybody where they can find you, where

1703
01:25:55,160 --> 01:25:58,599
Speaker 4: they could get some of your services if possible, your books,

1704
01:25:58,920 --> 01:25:59,519
Speaker 4: shout out.

1705
01:25:59,439 --> 01:26:01,920
Speaker 5: Everything, love it, love it. Okay. You can find me

1706
01:26:02,000 --> 01:26:06,960
Speaker 5: on social media at Elliott Speaks. That's with two l's

1707
01:26:07,000 --> 01:26:11,960
Speaker 5: and two t's, Elliot Speaks, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter threads. That's

1708
01:26:11,960 --> 01:26:15,240
Speaker 5: where you can find me my YouTube channel. Just search

1709
01:26:15,320 --> 01:26:17,840
Speaker 5: my name Elliott Connie and you'll see my YouTube channel.

1710
01:26:18,520 --> 01:26:20,639
Speaker 5: Elliott Connie is not a super common name, so it's

1711
01:26:20,640 --> 01:26:23,120
Speaker 5: easy to find again to l's two teas, and then

1712
01:26:23,200 --> 01:26:25,519
Speaker 5: you can also find whatever you need to about my

1713
01:26:25,640 --> 01:26:28,200
Speaker 5: services and my books and who I am at my website,

1714
01:26:28,240 --> 01:26:29,639
Speaker 5: which is Elliott Connie dot com.

1715
01:26:30,520 --> 01:26:34,240
Speaker 3: Hey, I had one more question, Elliott before we go

1716
01:26:34,840 --> 01:26:38,240
Speaker 3: fire away. In those two weeks did you fuck Sarah.

1717
01:26:39,680 --> 01:26:39,840
Speaker 5: Or no?

1718
01:26:40,320 --> 01:26:41,240
Speaker 1: Did you get the pussy?

1719
01:26:42,479 --> 01:26:42,519
Speaker 3: What?

1720
01:26:42,680 --> 01:26:45,760
Speaker 1: Two weeks you said your dated Sarah for two weeks?

1721
01:26:45,840 --> 01:26:46,400
Speaker 1: Did you get the.

1722
01:26:46,400 --> 01:26:51,160
Speaker 3: Pussy at your homeboy? Just smash your girl? I want

1723
01:26:51,200 --> 01:26:52,680
Speaker 3: to know, like, did you get the fuck too?

1724
01:26:52,920 --> 01:26:55,240
Speaker 4: Out of all things, that could have been your final question,

1725
01:26:55,800 --> 01:26:56,760
Speaker 4: and you want to know if he.

1726
01:26:56,800 --> 01:26:57,600
Speaker 2: Fucks Sarah or not?

1727
01:26:59,520 --> 01:27:04,400
Speaker 5: Man, he actually he stole two girls from me, one

1728
01:27:04,479 --> 01:27:08,559
Speaker 5: name Sarah, one name Shannon. He told both of them Elliot,

1729
01:27:08,640 --> 01:27:11,200
Speaker 5: don't really like you, Ellie, don't really with you like that?

1730
01:27:11,240 --> 01:27:12,519
Speaker 1: And a hater.

1731
01:27:13,880 --> 01:27:15,439
Speaker 5: I didn't either of them.

1732
01:27:16,640 --> 01:27:18,479
Speaker 2: Damn, damn.

1733
01:27:18,640 --> 01:27:21,760
Speaker 5: Yeah, when when you ask these questions like when you

1734
01:27:21,800 --> 01:27:29,280
Speaker 5: can play these are triggering. Elliott the same snatched two girls.

1735
01:27:31,720 --> 01:27:34,679
Speaker 5: It was terrible. He got them both. I didn't. I didn't.

1736
01:27:35,439 --> 01:27:37,360
Speaker 5: I didn't get down without one of them.

1737
01:27:37,920 --> 01:27:38,240
Speaker 1: Damn.

1738
01:27:38,720 --> 01:27:39,600
Speaker 2: I just needed to know.

1739
01:27:43,320 --> 01:27:45,360
Speaker 5: When I was in high school, a J. I appreciate

1740
01:27:45,439 --> 01:27:46,719
Speaker 5: that I'm packing.

1741
01:27:46,840 --> 01:27:47,840
Speaker 2: Don't unpack, Elliot.

1742
01:27:47,960 --> 01:27:51,400
Speaker 1: Ship Like all right, y'all if you enjoyed this episode.

1743
01:27:55,120 --> 01:27:57,839
Speaker 5: Myself forties, you make me feel like ship.

1744
01:27:57,800 --> 01:28:02,519
Speaker 2: Now AJ doing to you what my therapists had done

1745
01:28:02,560 --> 01:28:03,200
Speaker 2: to me that day.

1746
01:28:04,000 --> 01:28:05,640
Speaker 5: I just got to tell you we shouldn't do that

1747
01:28:05,760 --> 01:28:08,280
Speaker 5: to people over here.

1748
01:28:09,720 --> 01:28:12,160
Speaker 3: Well, the solution would be to hit her raggedy ass

1749
01:28:12,240 --> 01:28:14,439
Speaker 3: up on Facebook now and see if you can smash

1750
01:28:14,520 --> 01:28:16,240
Speaker 3: her and not talk to her no more.

1751
01:28:16,960 --> 01:28:19,439
Speaker 1: That's the solution. Brief therapy.

1752
01:28:19,840 --> 01:28:21,360
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, don't listen.

1753
01:28:22,600 --> 01:28:23,040
Speaker 5: I'm rich.

1754
01:28:23,200 --> 01:28:27,120
Speaker 1: I don't have to. Okay, come on your ship. Okay.

1755
01:28:29,120 --> 01:28:33,280
Speaker 4: Meanwhile, my screen case is fucked up and I need

1756
01:28:33,400 --> 01:28:35,000
Speaker 4: another one, but I'm gonna hold on.

1757
01:28:35,080 --> 01:28:36,280
Speaker 2: To it as long as I can.

1758
01:28:38,520 --> 01:28:38,720
Speaker 5: Elli.

1759
01:28:38,800 --> 01:28:41,160
Speaker 4: Yeah, we had so much fun. Thank you for joining us.

1760
01:28:41,200 --> 01:28:43,840
Speaker 4: Thank you for that free therapy session. I'm really gonna

1761
01:28:43,880 --> 01:28:45,680
Speaker 4: reach out to you for some more because I feel like.

1762
01:28:46,000 --> 01:28:47,479
Speaker 2: I got some more ship to unpack.

1763
01:28:48,040 --> 01:28:50,160
Speaker 5: If that's okay, give her my phone.

1764
01:28:51,160 --> 01:28:51,479
Speaker 2: Got it?

1765
01:28:51,640 --> 01:28:54,599
Speaker 1: Definitely all right, y'all listen.

1766
01:28:55,160 --> 01:28:58,320
Speaker 3: If you enjoyed this episode, y'all, tune in every Thursday

1767
01:28:58,520 --> 01:29:00,880
Speaker 3: on your iHeartRadio Apple beever the fuck you get your

1768
01:29:00,960 --> 01:29:01,720
Speaker 3: podcasts at.

1769
01:29:02,080 --> 01:29:04,960
Speaker 1: This is your co host aj Holiday two point zero.

1770
01:29:05,080 --> 01:29:07,840
Speaker 3: If you won't follow me on instagrams, y'all, we got

1771
01:29:07,960 --> 01:29:11,440
Speaker 3: we talkback eant dot com. Hit us up for some merchandise.

1772
01:29:11,800 --> 01:29:13,880
Speaker 3: We got a few other things coming up as well.

1773
01:29:14,040 --> 01:29:15,040
Speaker 1: What you got Tam.

1774
01:29:15,080 --> 01:29:18,000
Speaker 2: Y'all's official Tambama on Instagram. Y'all please follow me now.

1775
01:29:18,120 --> 01:29:22,559
Speaker 2: Y'all remember to speak now and never hold your peace. Deuces.

1776
01:29:23,240 --> 01:29:23,559
Speaker 1: Bye,