1 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:14,560 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to You Need Therapy. My 2 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,599 Speaker 1: name is Cat and it's a really good day to 3 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: be here. You're getting a full episode of Just Cat. 4 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: Before we get started, a quick reminder that although I'm 5 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:27,920 Speaker 1: a therapist, this podcast is not therapy or a substitute 6 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:31,800 Speaker 1: for therapy. But it might, however, encourage you to go 7 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 1: to therapy, which I think is pretty cool, pretty exciting. 8 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:39,680 Speaker 1: So if you've been around for a while, you probably 9 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:44,680 Speaker 1: know a good bit ish about me, and if you're new, welcome. 10 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,280 Speaker 1: I'm really happy you're here. Even though I don't exactly 11 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,200 Speaker 1: know who's here, I'm happy that you are, and I 12 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,599 Speaker 1: want to introduce myself a little bit. I think this 13 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,000 Speaker 1: is an important thing to do because I created this 14 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,920 Speaker 1: podcast to help us get thinking and talking about the 15 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 1: stuff that kind of scares us in our lives, and 16 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,800 Speaker 1: you know, I think we needed to build a little 17 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,320 Speaker 1: trust before we have a lot of those conversations. So 18 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 1: I want you to be able to kind of know 19 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,880 Speaker 1: who's talking to you. And I don't want you to 20 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,399 Speaker 1: blindly take what I say as gold. I don't want that. 21 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 1: I don't want that for my clients. They don't want 22 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,200 Speaker 1: that for people in my life. I definitely don't want 23 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,280 Speaker 1: that from you, guys, because one what I say is 24 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 1: not goals. I do say you some great things sometimes, 25 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,000 Speaker 1: but like sometimes I can't be wrong, um And I 26 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,960 Speaker 1: want you to be able to wonder and be curious 27 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 1: about that stuff and to this podcast is something that 28 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,960 Speaker 1: I want to help encourage you to find your strength 29 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,680 Speaker 1: rather than rely on other people to help you feel 30 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,560 Speaker 1: or no things like I want it to build you 31 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:43,319 Speaker 1: up rather than like build whoever's talking up. So my 32 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:47,040 Speaker 1: name is Cat. I have a license therapist, and I 33 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 1: live in Nashville, lived here for a really long time, 34 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,600 Speaker 1: and I own a small group private practice called Three 35 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 1: Courts Therapy. Shout out to my girls Janie and Stacy. 36 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,760 Speaker 1: They are two therapists that work with me. And if 37 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 1: y'all are in Tennessee and need a good therapist, you 38 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,640 Speaker 1: can visit our website Three Courts Therapy dot com and 39 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: send us a message and we can hook you up 40 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: with a good therapist if you live in Tennessee. Otherwise 41 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,519 Speaker 1: we cannot work with you, bummer, but we got to 42 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:18,080 Speaker 1: follow the law. I also am more than my job. 43 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 1: I'm a really curious human. I I love, love, love, love, 44 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,639 Speaker 1: love to learn, and I loved the question. I love 45 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,640 Speaker 1: to wonder and I love to think. And I got 46 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,679 Speaker 1: my degree, my graduate degree at Vanderbilt a while ago, 47 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 1: I don't know how many years ago, And I often 48 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,440 Speaker 1: wish I could go back and sit in some of 49 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 1: my classes again with the life experience that I have now, 50 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,200 Speaker 1: because I'm like, I love to learn. I'm like, I 51 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,800 Speaker 1: wonder what it would be like if I could go 52 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 1: back with the human I am now and see how 53 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 1: I would learn and pick up and absorb things differently. 54 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 1: I just want to know what would be different, what 55 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,520 Speaker 1: would I hear different, what would I soak in more? 56 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,799 Speaker 1: Because back then, like in grad school, I was fighting 57 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,440 Speaker 1: a lot of stuff. I was fighting remnants of a 58 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: neating disorder for the majority of the time, I was 59 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: fighting a raging exercise addiction, and I was fighting a 60 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,760 Speaker 1: lot of anxiety that I actually didn't know existed. And 61 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,919 Speaker 1: with that, with the learner I am and the wonderer, 62 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,960 Speaker 1: I also am a planner. But I'm not the kind 63 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,680 Speaker 1: of planner that you might be thinking of. I'm very disorganized, 64 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:21,280 Speaker 1: making itineraries and schedules. That kind of stuff like stresses 65 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: me out, Like I cannot. I mean, I'll do what 66 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: I have to, but that's not the kind of planning. 67 00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:28,400 Speaker 1: I like to plan things to look forward to, so 68 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 1: I always have something on the schedule, and you know, honestly, 69 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 1: often the looking forward to it part beats the actual 70 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,360 Speaker 1: thing I planned. Sometimes I plan so I don't have 71 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 1: to worry. And I used to worry a lot, like 72 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: a lot, a lot, a lot. I worried what people 73 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 1: thought of me. I worried about how things would go. 74 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,520 Speaker 1: I worried about where my life was going to take me. 75 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,280 Speaker 1: I worried about the freaking seam of my stock not 76 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,960 Speaker 1: lining up properly, and honestly, I still worry about that, 77 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,120 Speaker 1: and I dealt with my worry by trying to plan. 78 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 1: This is a true story. I don't know if I've 79 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,520 Speaker 1: said this before and hear it. When I was a 80 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,520 Speaker 1: little exchanged the same pair of tennis shoes like seven times, 81 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 1: I don't think it was actually seven, but a lot 82 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: of times because I was worried about the fact that 83 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 1: they didn't fit right, like which felt better like I 84 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:14,040 Speaker 1: couldn't even figure it out. And as a therapist, I 85 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,360 Speaker 1: often sit with a lot of people who worry as well, 86 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:20,520 Speaker 1: and I share some of my experience, not only because 87 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:23,839 Speaker 1: this is a nice segue into where we're going today, 88 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 1: but because I want to bring the humanness into the 89 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: conversation we're about to have. Worrying is a thing that 90 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:31,960 Speaker 1: we do. Not all of us, but a lot of 91 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,080 Speaker 1: us do it. And like I think everybody at some 92 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,239 Speaker 1: point has worried about something. Now, while it definitely doesn't 93 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:39,600 Speaker 1: mean something's wrong with you if you worry a lot, 94 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: and if you're really anxious and all that, it also 95 00:04:41,839 --> 00:04:44,200 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be this way. But in order for 96 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: us to shift things, we need to uncover what it 97 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: is we get out of worrying, Like, what do we 98 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,120 Speaker 1: get out of this? And don't even say in your head, 99 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:56,720 Speaker 1: I get nothing, because if you got absolutely nothing from it, 100 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,320 Speaker 1: you wouldn't do it. We don't do anything for no reason. 101 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 1: It might not make a lot of sense, but you 102 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,960 Speaker 1: get something. Now. What I have found to be very, very, 103 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,440 Speaker 1: very interesting is that a lot of people who are 104 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:10,279 Speaker 1: doing all of this worrying actually have really great lives, 105 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,599 Speaker 1: Like their lives are kind of going well. A lot 106 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,240 Speaker 1: of life's greatest warriors aren't the ones who are in 107 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:18,359 Speaker 1: the midst of chaos and the most setbacks and tragedy. 108 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,880 Speaker 1: A lot of life's great warriors are people who kind 109 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:24,559 Speaker 1: of have the things that they have wanted, which sounds weird, 110 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,160 Speaker 1: and maybe it sounds like you. If it sounds like you, 111 00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 1: then get excited because that is what we're gonna be 112 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,360 Speaker 1: talking about. So we're gonna jump right into it. I 113 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 1: bet some of you guys have, well probably all of you, 114 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,200 Speaker 1: I would think, um have heard the phrase I'm waiting 115 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,799 Speaker 1: for the other shoe to drop. I cannot tell you 116 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,320 Speaker 1: how many times this has been said in my office 117 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,080 Speaker 1: of somebody sitting on my couch and being like, it's 118 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,080 Speaker 1: just like this is happening, this is happening, and these 119 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,280 Speaker 1: are all going great, and I'm just waiting for something 120 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,320 Speaker 1: bad to happen, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. 121 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: And before we get into that, let's talk about what 122 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,920 Speaker 1: does that phrase even mean, Like, where does that come from? 123 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,600 Speaker 1: What does that mean? Like the shooter drop, And it 124 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 1: means that you're waiting for an unexpected like inevitable, bad 125 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 1: thing to happen. And it comes from which I thought, 126 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,719 Speaker 1: this is interesting. It comes from back in like the 127 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:14,200 Speaker 1: late nineteen early twentieth century, how like apartments were in 128 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,440 Speaker 1: New York City, I guess. They were really thin, and 129 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 1: the bedrooms were all located like right above each other. 130 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,799 Speaker 1: So where your apartment is you're seeling, is somebody else's bedroom. 131 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,640 Speaker 1: And so it was like a thing where you would 132 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 1: hear somebody like take off their shoe, and then once 133 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 1: you heard them clunk one shoe down, you you're like, oh, 134 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 1: waiting for the other one, and the other one falls 135 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: down and you're like, okay, one means another, I guess, 136 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,839 Speaker 1: so it's an inevitable thing that's going to happen. Basically, Now, 137 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,359 Speaker 1: when I think about this experience, I think about like 138 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,839 Speaker 1: just being on the on edge, like on the edge 139 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:49,400 Speaker 1: of my seat, you know, and like just sitting and 140 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 1: and worrying and playing out like a bad scenario. Bad scenarios. 141 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 1: You're creating them in your head and you're like hurting 142 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,840 Speaker 1: your own feelings. Like that's what the experience reminds me of. 143 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,159 Speaker 1: It's not an exceptionally good experience to be in or have. 144 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,040 Speaker 1: So the question would be like why do we do this, 145 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,200 Speaker 1: Why do we tend to feel this way when things 146 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,040 Speaker 1: are going okay, especially and why do we feel the 147 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,960 Speaker 1: need to brace ourselves for like a fall, when technically 148 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:20,119 Speaker 1: we're balanced and technically we're on solid ground. If everything's okay, 149 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 1: why can't we not do this? And when we do it, 150 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,040 Speaker 1: why can't we just make it go away? Another way 151 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,280 Speaker 1: to put that would just be like why is it 152 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,000 Speaker 1: so hard to sit in the goodness of life? Pretty 153 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,160 Speaker 1: simple but weird question. Weird question that like why do 154 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:39,920 Speaker 1: we even have to ask that? So if we come 155 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 1: back to a phrase that I've mentioned before on here 156 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,880 Speaker 1: called second dary gain, it will help explain a little bit. 157 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,120 Speaker 1: A second day gain is when we're doing something that 158 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 1: like doesn't actually make sense or help us, but like 159 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 1: we get something out of it, so you know how 160 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,560 Speaker 1: earlier it's like, don't say you don't get anything out 161 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,600 Speaker 1: of it, because you do, you do. So this explains 162 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 1: why we do do things that in the aftermath it 163 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 1: cause us more pain. But in like the here and now, 164 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,440 Speaker 1: they might like solve an issue, but maybe not really 165 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,960 Speaker 1: like acting in our addiction or continuing to not follow 166 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,360 Speaker 1: through with boundaries you've set, Like have you ever asked yourself, 167 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,880 Speaker 1: like why do I keep doing this because it's helping? 168 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:17,760 Speaker 1: With something like whether it's actually helping or not. It's 169 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,600 Speaker 1: helping with something, so maybe you don't have to feel 170 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,840 Speaker 1: that uncomfortable feeling, but then you also don't have the 171 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,680 Speaker 1: relationships you want in your life, you know. So when 172 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,920 Speaker 1: it comes to this stuff, by creating a narrative around 173 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: something bad happening, we're kind of metaphorically bracing ourselves from 174 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,560 Speaker 1: a fall. Right. We think we're helping because in our 175 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:38,080 Speaker 1: brains and our bodies, it won't stay like this forever, Like, 176 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,040 Speaker 1: it's not going to stay good forever. So we better 177 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:44,120 Speaker 1: suit up and we better prepare. Burnet Brown, who is incredible, Um, 178 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,440 Speaker 1: she's written and spoken and talked about this a lot. 179 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,679 Speaker 1: She caused this whole experience for Voting Joy, and she 180 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,640 Speaker 1: describes it as a way to suit up and protect 181 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:57,200 Speaker 1: ourselves from vulnerability. So before we explain this for Voting Joy, 182 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,240 Speaker 1: let's talk about vulnerability. What is that? Like? Hear it 183 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:03,000 Speaker 1: all the time? What's what is vulnerability? Really? I bet 184 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,439 Speaker 1: some of you guys, when you even heard that word 185 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,319 Speaker 1: in your head, you're like, Oh, I love vulnerability. Vulnerability 186 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,560 Speaker 1: is awesome. And then some of you guys are like, 187 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 1: I don't do that. It's a hot topic. It's somewhat trendy. 188 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 1: It's a trendy word. We use it all the time. 189 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 1: We talked about all the time. Do we really know 190 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,520 Speaker 1: what we're talking about? I don't know, but we're going 191 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 1: to talk about that now. Vulnerability is something that historically 192 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:26,000 Speaker 1: has been seen and talked about as a weakness, but 193 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:29,319 Speaker 1: it is now highly highly, highly regarded, at least in 194 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,600 Speaker 1: my field and in the field of relationships, as one 195 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,760 Speaker 1: of the biggest strengths within the human condition. It's something 196 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,079 Speaker 1: that we also want in other people, and we think 197 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,200 Speaker 1: it's awesome, awesome in other people, but we're afraid to 198 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 1: experience it and show ourselves. And it's an ability to 199 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,280 Speaker 1: be uncertain and honest. It leads us to the largest 200 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,840 Speaker 1: and most important healing agent, which is human connection. Like 201 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 1: it leads us to connection and allows real connection to happen. 202 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:57,319 Speaker 1: Without vulnerability, there isn't any connection. But we don't like it. 203 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:01,040 Speaker 1: We don't like vulnerability because it's it's uncertain It is uncertainty. 204 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,959 Speaker 1: We like things that are black and white and just 205 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,560 Speaker 1: is what it is. However, living in the black and 206 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:10,839 Speaker 1: white limits us. What it limits is the fullness of 207 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:16,200 Speaker 1: the most important experiences that are actually like covered and uncertainty, 208 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 1: like love, like belonging, like trust, like joy, and even 209 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,840 Speaker 1: things like creativity like those are all things that if 210 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,720 Speaker 1: you ask about what you really wanted of life, they 211 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: want those things, but those are covered covered, covered in uncertainty, 212 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:34,600 Speaker 1: which is covered in vulnerability. So back to foreboding joy, 213 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,400 Speaker 1: What would you think? What would you say if I 214 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,360 Speaker 1: told you that one of the or the most terrifying 215 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:43,240 Speaker 1: emotions that we can feel is joy. Would that surprise you? 216 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,960 Speaker 1: Would you believe that? Because I hope so I hope 217 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,320 Speaker 1: it probably surprises you, But I hope you believe it 218 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,000 Speaker 1: because that is true. Berne Brown actually says this too, 219 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,000 Speaker 1: and she says that joy is one of the most 220 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: difficult feelings for us to allow ourselves to feel because 221 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,679 Speaker 1: it automatically makes us incredibly vulnerable. Right, So, when we 222 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:04,520 Speaker 1: ourselves to feel joy, we become vulnerable to the possibility 223 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: of that being taken away or not feeling that anymore. 224 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,640 Speaker 1: We're vulnerable to the fact that our hearts might be broken, 225 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:14,240 Speaker 1: or our hopes get let down or any of that. 226 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,960 Speaker 1: And a lot of our feelings that we experience we 227 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:22,720 Speaker 1: intrinsically want to go away, right, like anger, fear, sadness, 228 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: we don't really get nervous that will lose these feelings 229 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,200 Speaker 1: because they don't feel good. But joy feels good and 230 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,320 Speaker 1: we want to keep that. But when we have it, 231 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 1: then we recognize that, oh, this could go away, and 232 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 1: so we do this thing. So when you have trouble 233 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:39,720 Speaker 1: tolerating the vulnerability of that joy, what you do is 234 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,280 Speaker 1: you start to do this thing called like dress rehearse tragedy. 235 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,200 Speaker 1: If you haven't heard of that dress. Rehearsing tragedy is 236 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:49,000 Speaker 1: imagining something bad it's going to happen when in reality 237 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:53,120 Speaker 1: nothing's wrong. Like nothing is wrong. This is when we're 238 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:55,000 Speaker 1: doing that thing about waiting for that shoot a job. 239 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:58,640 Speaker 1: It's creating stories in your head. Now the idea behind 240 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:02,320 Speaker 1: it makes sense right, like you're getting yourself prepared. The 241 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,560 Speaker 1: problem is there's nothing to prepare for. And what you 242 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 1: end up doing is you just lose a lot of 243 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,680 Speaker 1: precious time and experience feeling the joy that you want 244 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,160 Speaker 1: so bad and you don't want to go away. During 245 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:18,079 Speaker 1: her research, Berne talked about people that she found who 246 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: did have an ability to like really sit and experience 247 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,200 Speaker 1: and and and feel their joy. And what is interesting 248 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,439 Speaker 1: is what they did is not that like eye opening 249 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,720 Speaker 1: or like jaw dropping. She said that the people that 250 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,520 Speaker 1: could really experience and have the capacity for joy when 251 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:38,120 Speaker 1: they felt joy, instead of going into this like dress 252 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,840 Speaker 1: rehearsing of tragedy and practicing disaster, they just used it 253 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,560 Speaker 1: as a reminder that they need to practice gratitude, which 254 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,040 Speaker 1: gratitude is a practice, not a feeling. And we're going 255 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,640 Speaker 1: to talk about that in a second. So another question, 256 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,440 Speaker 1: and I don't know if I fully answered this yet, 257 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,440 Speaker 1: is like why do we need to do this? Like 258 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,439 Speaker 1: why do we That's great for those people that can 259 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:58,120 Speaker 1: practice the gratitude, but like why do the people that 260 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,720 Speaker 1: do the practice the disaster or why do they feel 261 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: like they need to do that? Like did we were 262 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,080 Speaker 1: were born that way? Like why would we need to 263 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:10,040 Speaker 1: protect ourselves here? Like why is the vulnerability so hard? 264 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,320 Speaker 1: Like all of that one because of life? Because we 265 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,680 Speaker 1: experienced life. No, we weren't born that way, but a 266 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,200 Speaker 1: lot of us have had experiences when life has really 267 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,000 Speaker 1: let us down, and it makes sense to not want 268 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: to feel that again. It want it makes sense to 269 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,319 Speaker 1: not have to want to go through those experiences again 270 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:34,199 Speaker 1: or want to be better prepared for those experiences. So 271 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,200 Speaker 1: let's talk about attachment and relationships for a second. In 272 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:41,120 Speaker 1: modern attachment and modern adult attachment, which there's plenty of 273 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 1: podcasts on that, and you need therapy catalog. If you 274 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: just type and you need therapy attachment, you'll find them 275 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,760 Speaker 1: and you can dig deeper into this stuff. But in 276 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,320 Speaker 1: modern adult attachment, we have these two main insecure attachment styles. 277 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: One is anxious and one is avoiding. In a nutshell, 278 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,840 Speaker 1: the human with the anxious attachment is someone who has 279 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,640 Speaker 1: experienced hope and then lost it over over and over 280 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:03,040 Speaker 1: and over again, so they know hope is real, but 281 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,520 Speaker 1: then it goes away. But then they know it's real, 282 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,680 Speaker 1: then it goes away. They know it's real, it goes away. 283 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:10,000 Speaker 1: Someone who has an avoidant attachment is someone who just 284 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 1: like I didn't really have the experience of hope, like 285 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,080 Speaker 1: it's been shut down. So then they shut down and 286 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,960 Speaker 1: they kind of numb out. They don't do vulnerability like 287 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,480 Speaker 1: at all, So their experience of this will look more 288 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 1: like avoiding the experiences in life that would offer them 289 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,240 Speaker 1: the great joy, because when they get a taste of it, 290 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,640 Speaker 1: they back off because then they realize that like, oh 291 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,520 Speaker 1: that comes with that, I don't want it, so I'm 292 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,800 Speaker 1: going to back away. The fear of abandonment and rejection, 293 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,560 Speaker 1: all that stuff trumps everything else. So I'm not willing 294 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,800 Speaker 1: to risk that because I don't really see the point. 295 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,120 Speaker 1: Because hope is not a thing. An anxiously attached human 296 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:49,200 Speaker 1: is going to taste the joy and then freaking panic 297 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:52,000 Speaker 1: about it going away. So how do we end up 298 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,720 Speaker 1: with an anxious attachment? Like I said, they have these 299 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:58,640 Speaker 1: experiences that show up and show us hope, and then 300 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,800 Speaker 1: they get taken away over and over and over again. 301 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,640 Speaker 1: So our anxious behavior pops up as a way to 302 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,200 Speaker 1: avoid the removal of the hope. Why no, hope, Hope 303 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,880 Speaker 1: is real. Hope is here. I know it's going to 304 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 1: go away, So how do I hold onto it as 305 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:13,320 Speaker 1: tight as possible so it doesn't So we dress, rehearse 306 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,400 Speaker 1: scenarios that we think may help us deal with the inevitable. 307 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 1: How am I better prepare for the fall so it 308 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,240 Speaker 1: doesn't hurt? Or so maybe I can avoid the fall 309 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:27,480 Speaker 1: this time? So that's what they're doing now, an avoidant. 310 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: They lost the hope. So rather than dress rehearse as 311 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,920 Speaker 1: a way to prepare as a means to to save 312 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,080 Speaker 1: and savor the joy. They're more prone to like dress, 313 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:39,440 Speaker 1: rehearse as a way to just kill the joy because 314 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,840 Speaker 1: it's going to be gone anyway, so like, let's not 315 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,080 Speaker 1: get our hopes up. Like it's almost like they don't 316 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 1: even believe it. It's like, yeah, it's not that great. 317 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:47,920 Speaker 1: I don't know why this popped into my head, but 318 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 1: I'm thinking about crumble cookies as always, and I'm like 319 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,440 Speaker 1: gonna avoid this is not like an actual clinical like example. 320 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,440 Speaker 1: This is just like a picture of it, but like 321 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,680 Speaker 1: an avoidantly attached person Like those are the kind of 322 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,640 Speaker 1: people who, like if you're like eating this crumbled cookie 323 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 1: and it's like the best cookie even you're like, oh 324 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 1: my gosh, this is so good, and they're like, I mean, 325 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,320 Speaker 1: it's not that great. She's just a cookie. It's like 326 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,880 Speaker 1: their capacity to get excited is different, because like what 327 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,600 Speaker 1: if they're like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to 328 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,360 Speaker 1: taste this cookie and then they don't really like it 329 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,080 Speaker 1: not worth it, not worth getting your hopes up. So 330 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,680 Speaker 1: let's talk about like an example of dating, because like 331 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,200 Speaker 1: that might be more helpful than my crumbled cookies example. 332 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,600 Speaker 1: But think about dating. Have you ever had an experience 333 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 1: where you went on a date and it was just 334 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 1: the best, best, best ever, right, Like it's so much 335 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: fun and you really enjoyed yourself. Yet your next thought 336 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,760 Speaker 1: is this isn't gonna last, or well, anyone can have 337 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:41,480 Speaker 1: a good first date, doesn't really mean anything or anything 338 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,640 Speaker 1: along those lines. Like that kind of stuff. You're kind 339 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,200 Speaker 1: of preparing yourself to get let down. Someone with a 340 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,360 Speaker 1: more anxious attachment is going to be the person who 341 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,680 Speaker 1: like texts that human a million times and like, can't 342 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,680 Speaker 1: just let them text them. They have to like I 343 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,240 Speaker 1: have to make sure they're gonna text me, So I'm 344 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,760 Speaker 1: just gonna text them first, and them going to text 345 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,800 Speaker 1: them after I text them first because they didn't respond 346 00:16:58,800 --> 00:16:59,800 Speaker 1: to me. You have to make sure that they got 347 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,320 Speaker 1: my text. That's an exaggeration, but that's the anxious person 348 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,119 Speaker 1: where they're going to talk to their friends over and 349 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,640 Speaker 1: over and over and over and analyze and over analyze 350 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,560 Speaker 1: every single behavior and you know what, they missed the 351 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,480 Speaker 1: part where they had a lot of fun because they're 352 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 1: so worried that they won't get to have a lot 353 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,840 Speaker 1: of fun again. But that's going to get shut down. 354 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,600 Speaker 1: So it's like, maybe if I analyze this enough, I 355 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,520 Speaker 1: can like find a way to save it or hold 356 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:25,399 Speaker 1: onto it or anything like that. Well, the person with 357 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,199 Speaker 1: a more avoidant leaning attachment style is going to be like, 358 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,800 Speaker 1: I'm not getting my hopes up because like, yeah, I 359 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,480 Speaker 1: had a good time, but like it never works out. 360 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 1: They're the kind of people that are like all men 361 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,440 Speaker 1: suck if they're into men, or all women suck, or 362 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,760 Speaker 1: you know, relationship is not that great anyway, Like they're 363 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,600 Speaker 1: gonna just like it's like a kill joy. Literally, Now 364 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 1: those are extremes. Those are two extremes, But I thought 365 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: it was worth mentioning a little bit today even though 366 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,679 Speaker 1: somebody with a secure attachment can also be involved in 367 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,000 Speaker 1: this experience of for voting joy just because of like 368 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: our culture and just because like, you don't have to 369 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 1: fully lean one way to have some kind of anxiety. 370 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,040 Speaker 1: Please please hear that very loudly. You don't have to 371 00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:07,560 Speaker 1: have an insecure attachment to have anxiety. Those aren't like 372 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,960 Speaker 1: one and the same, and overall, the reason I wanted 373 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,800 Speaker 1: to talk about this and create a whole episode about 374 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:18,040 Speaker 1: this is because this is something that we do because 375 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:21,600 Speaker 1: it offers us a secondary gain. But I would like 376 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,960 Speaker 1: to just say very loudly. The issue here is that 377 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:29,320 Speaker 1: the secondary gain isn't that great. It's really not, and 378 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,119 Speaker 1: we need to notice that awareness is the first step. 379 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,119 Speaker 1: So this information isn't going to change your life, but 380 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,720 Speaker 1: the awareness is the first step for you to be 381 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,920 Speaker 1: able to change some of this behavior. When we prepare 382 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,680 Speaker 1: for things that aren't actually happening right now, what we're 383 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,120 Speaker 1: doing is we're stealing the opportunity to be present, and 384 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:48,320 Speaker 1: basically we're stealing the opportunity from ourselves to be joyful. 385 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 1: We lose moments, like, we actually lose moments of our life. 386 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,399 Speaker 1: The thing is, we cannot avoid a lot of the 387 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,879 Speaker 1: tragedy that we dress rehearse. We cannot predict the future. 388 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 1: If it's going to happened, it's going to happen, and 389 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:05,119 Speaker 1: thinking about it ahead of time doesn't actually better prepare us, 390 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:07,639 Speaker 1: Like it doesn't actually make the fall less hard, It 391 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,640 Speaker 1: just makes us live in the fall longer, Like we're 392 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,359 Speaker 1: kind of like spreading that out. We're just spreading the 393 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,399 Speaker 1: fall out longer. It's like in slow motion versus like 394 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 1: I fell, Now I have to get up. It's like 395 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:21,159 Speaker 1: slow motion and then like slow motion for me to 396 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,600 Speaker 1: get back up. To. So what we're doing might give 397 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 1: us an idea that we are helping, right, it might 398 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 1: and for and for some people, it might take away 399 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:39,159 Speaker 1: the experience of having to actually lose the joy. But 400 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,399 Speaker 1: then what you're also doing is you're not allowing yourself 401 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,200 Speaker 1: to experience the joy. So what's the point. We can't 402 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,400 Speaker 1: selectively numb emotions. We've learned that we can't do that. 403 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:53,359 Speaker 1: And so if we're not willing to experience like ick, 404 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:57,400 Speaker 1: sadness and fear and rejection and all that, then we're 405 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,119 Speaker 1: not going to be able to experience the things that 406 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 1: we really really want, like true connection and true relationships. 407 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,920 Speaker 1: So what's the solution, because you know, don't just throw 408 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,200 Speaker 1: this information at you. What's the solution? So the solution 409 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,840 Speaker 1: is a practice because, like I said, information doesn't change 410 00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:16,879 Speaker 1: our lives. It helps us change our lives. So the 411 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 1: solution is a practice, and the practice involves gratitude and mindfulness. 412 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,879 Speaker 1: So when we start to get afraid of what may happen, 413 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,439 Speaker 1: we bring ourselves back to what is happening. Right, So 414 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,359 Speaker 1: when we start to get afraid of what may happen, 415 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,480 Speaker 1: we start to do that thing where we're creating scenarios 416 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:35,840 Speaker 1: and we're taking ourselves out of what we're experiencing now 417 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 1: that actually is really good. We bring ourselves back to 418 00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:40,679 Speaker 1: what is happening. You went on a date and it 419 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 1: went well, okay, Well that's where we are. That's all 420 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,400 Speaker 1: you need to know. Whether you end it in your 421 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:50,160 Speaker 1: head now or it ends later, you're not technically avoiding 422 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,960 Speaker 1: the sadness of it ending, but you are avoiding the 423 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,640 Speaker 1: ability to be in the goodness of your life now. 424 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,920 Speaker 1: You had a good date. And I'm using this dating example, 425 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,679 Speaker 1: but it could be literally anything, literally anything, And listen, 426 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,880 Speaker 1: I get it. I really do get it. And it's 427 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,040 Speaker 1: not lost on me that it's easier for me to 428 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:08,760 Speaker 1: say a lot of this stuff than it is to 429 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:12,440 Speaker 1: actually experience it. So I get it. Pain is painful, 430 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,600 Speaker 1: and I don't want my heartbroken ever again. I really 431 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,560 Speaker 1: don't want that. If I could choose, I'd be like, hey, yeah, 432 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,480 Speaker 1: can we not do that again? And if I want 433 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,600 Speaker 1: the kind of relationship that I know my heart was 434 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,960 Speaker 1: built and woven for, I have got to be willing 435 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,399 Speaker 1: to experience pain. I have to. That's a non negotiable. 436 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,040 Speaker 1: And I want you guys to really hear that, because 437 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:37,840 Speaker 1: I'm a human. I am a human being, and I 438 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,000 Speaker 1: get really sad and I feel a lot of pain 439 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 1: in my life as well. I do like I'm not 440 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,560 Speaker 1: saying these things. Why I'm saying them easier than experiencing them, 441 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,480 Speaker 1: But I'm not saying them not knowing what it's like. 442 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,359 Speaker 1: I don't know your life. I don't know your exact 443 00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:56,199 Speaker 1: life experiences. But I have had moments where I'm like, 444 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,880 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this is the worst thing ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, 445 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,000 Speaker 1: ever ever. I don't want this ever again. And I've 446 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 1: said to myself after a breakup, like I'm not dating 447 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:06,840 Speaker 1: ever again because I don't ever want to feel like this. 448 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,120 Speaker 1: I said that multiple times, and then I come out 449 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:14,280 Speaker 1: of that emotional decision and I remind myself that, like, 450 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:18,760 Speaker 1: oh what I want, Trump's what I don't want. I 451 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,960 Speaker 1: want a relationship, a real relationship that I was meant for, 452 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 1: more than I don't want to feel that sadness. So 453 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,440 Speaker 1: this is a non negotiable. They come together. The risk 454 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,080 Speaker 1: comes there, like the risk is part of it. No 455 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:33,520 Speaker 1: one who is not in an authentic relationship with another 456 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,879 Speaker 1: human or other humans has managed to avoid pain like nobody, 457 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:39,600 Speaker 1: And if anybody says that they have, and like, I 458 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:43,359 Speaker 1: don't know what their definition of authentic relationship actually is. 459 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:48,240 Speaker 1: So this might sound like anticlimactic or too simple as 460 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,320 Speaker 1: we're talking about like gratitude as a solution, but I 461 00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:53,880 Speaker 1: think that something that we do is we just over 462 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,840 Speaker 1: complicate our needs too often. And going back to what 463 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,680 Speaker 1: I said in the very beginning about us talking about 464 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:03,040 Speaker 1: gratitude being a practice, Gratitude is a practice, not a feeling. 465 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 1: It is a practice that breeds joy. Right, if we 466 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:11,119 Speaker 1: want more joy, we practice gratitude. So practicing gratitude is 467 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:15,000 Speaker 1: something that grows and breeds and feeds our joy. The 468 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:21,320 Speaker 1: solution to foreboding joy practicing gratitude and being mindfully present 469 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 1: and honestly, what would life look like like? What would 470 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,120 Speaker 1: your life look like if you spent more time being 471 00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:28,639 Speaker 1: grateful for the things that you have now then worried 472 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:31,320 Speaker 1: about not having them later? Like, what would life look like? 473 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,120 Speaker 1: You would probably have more joy in your life. Doesn't 474 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,639 Speaker 1: mean we're taking away any of your pain, but you 475 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,200 Speaker 1: would have more joy. And you know what I would 476 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,960 Speaker 1: choose that we can't avoid shoes dropping, Like I said, 477 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,560 Speaker 1: they will drop. Bad things will happen, And I'm not 478 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 1: saying that the more gratitude you practice, the less best 479 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,480 Speaker 1: stuff will happen. I'm not saying that at all. I'm 480 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:54,000 Speaker 1: saying that refusing to acknowledge the good doesn't make the 481 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:57,400 Speaker 1: bad easier to handle. It just makes it worse, actually, 482 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:01,400 Speaker 1: because it takes the important, real moments that you want 483 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,400 Speaker 1: to be in and that you're excited about and that 484 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,800 Speaker 1: feel good. You're taking those away from your life. So, 485 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,960 Speaker 1: in conclusion, if you're somebody who has said that stuff 486 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,879 Speaker 1: like things are going great, waiting for something bad to happen, 487 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:19,760 Speaker 1: welcome this into your life. Welcome some pauses where you're like, oh, 488 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:22,560 Speaker 1: things are going great. I'm really glad. Things are going great. 489 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,760 Speaker 1: Things are going great. Wow, things are going great. Like 490 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,560 Speaker 1: notice that sit in that. And again, it's a practice, 491 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,280 Speaker 1: so it's going to take some time for your mind 492 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:34,639 Speaker 1: not to automatically wonder into like when is something horrible 493 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,040 Speaker 1: gonna happen? When am I going to lose everything? Honestly, 494 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,879 Speaker 1: is that really important right now? Because if in the 495 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,640 Speaker 1: reality we can't change it, why don't we pay more 496 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,400 Speaker 1: attention to the fact that we have it now? If 497 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,240 Speaker 1: you want to learn more about this, if you want 498 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,439 Speaker 1: to hear more. I'm sure you could just do a 499 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,679 Speaker 1: Google search with for voting Joy and Burnee Brown. I'm 500 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,120 Speaker 1: sure she has plenty of whether their videos or articles 501 00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:57,360 Speaker 1: written about it. She talks about it in her books, 502 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,680 Speaker 1: specifically Daring Greatly, which is a great eight book to 503 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,200 Speaker 1: start reading. If you're like I want to do some introspection. 504 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,680 Speaker 1: I want more than just podcasts. I want to read 505 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,760 Speaker 1: some good like really good literature by really smart people 506 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:13,040 Speaker 1: and credential people. Burnet Brown is a great place to start, 507 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,119 Speaker 1: and Darren Greatly is a great place to start. That 508 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,520 Speaker 1: book is incredible. But I hope this was helpful with anything. 509 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 1: I hope that this like conversation just help you feel 510 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:24,840 Speaker 1: less alone, because I think a lot of people when 511 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,840 Speaker 1: I hear them say that, like I'm just why do 512 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,480 Speaker 1: I do this? Like I'm just waiting for something bad 513 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:30,960 Speaker 1: to happen. A lot of us do it, and why 514 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,680 Speaker 1: you do it makes sense. But just because it makes 515 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,600 Speaker 1: sense doesn't mean it's actually helpful and useful. So take 516 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,760 Speaker 1: with that and do as you please. I'm glad you 517 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 1: were here today. I'm glad you're here for this conversation. 518 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,680 Speaker 1: I'm glad I got to do some one on one 519 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,000 Speaker 1: with you, guys. I hope you enjoyed it. Now if 520 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,880 Speaker 1: you have not heard this awesome news, I am now 521 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:57,000 Speaker 1: starting to do one of Amy Brown's podcast episodes with 522 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,560 Speaker 1: her every week. So she has a podcast called four 523 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,040 Speaker 1: Things with Amy Brown. I know most of you probably 524 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,840 Speaker 1: listened to it, and she does two episodes a week. 525 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,840 Speaker 1: One is her four Things on Thursdays, where she'll go 526 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:10,399 Speaker 1: through four things, whether it's with her or a guest. 527 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:14,480 Speaker 1: And then her Tuesday episode has historically been her answering 528 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,600 Speaker 1: emails that you guys send to her, and we are 529 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,959 Speaker 1: transitioning that Tuesday episode into a space where we just 530 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:25,119 Speaker 1: get to talk. And right now we're calling it Amy 531 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,399 Speaker 1: and Cat chit Chats, but we're work shopping it. So 532 00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,280 Speaker 1: if you have any ideas, let us know. But we're 533 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,480 Speaker 1: going to do things like answer emails or just talk 534 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 1: about things that like we think about throughout the week. 535 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,920 Speaker 1: And we love doing episodes together and so we're like, 536 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,720 Speaker 1: why don't we make this a thing because it's just 537 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,840 Speaker 1: a space where you get to hear like two friends 538 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,080 Speaker 1: talking about things that matter and sometimes maybe I don't know, 539 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,800 Speaker 1: they might not matter to you, but it mattered to us. 540 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,199 Speaker 1: So I'm really excited about it, and I hope you 541 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,680 Speaker 1: guys are excited too. So Four Things with Amy Brown. 542 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,600 Speaker 1: Go subscribe to that podcast. If you don't already, you 543 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,400 Speaker 1: don't already subscribe to this one, do that as well, 544 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,720 Speaker 1: and you can rate it and review it and that 545 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,760 Speaker 1: would be awesome. We would love that, And I think 546 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,439 Speaker 1: that does it for me today. So I hope you 547 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,200 Speaker 1: guys have the day in the week you need to have. 548 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,040 Speaker 1: I will be back tomorrow with Amy on her podcast 549 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,160 Speaker 1: and Wednesday for Couch Talks.