1 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:09,440 Speaker 1: I'm Elia Khani and this is family Theory. Welcome everyone. 2 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: I'm Elia Khani, and today we will be spending some 3 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: time with Gladys. She and her son Elijah, who we 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 1: heard from last week, have experienced a bit of a 5 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:24,560 Speaker 1: rough patch. This has created distance, distrust, and pain on 6 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:28,120 Speaker 1: both sides. In today's session, she shares the weight of 7 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:33,479 Speaker 1: that history, how misunderstandings, court battles, and family conflict fractured 8 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,200 Speaker 1: a once powerful connection between a mother and her child, 9 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:41,480 Speaker 1: and more recently, how an explosive altercation shook the entire 10 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 1: family and left her wondering how to even begin repairing 11 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:50,279 Speaker 1: what has been broken. But underneath all of that, there 12 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,879 Speaker 1: is hope, and there is a woman who is doing 13 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,080 Speaker 1: the difficult inner work required to release the anger and 14 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,920 Speaker 1: find a new way forward with her son. Gladys has 15 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 1: been honest about how much that anger has cost her 16 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,720 Speaker 1: and how ready she is to put it down. She's 17 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: expressed the fear of losing her son, not only emotionally 18 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: but physically, after he confided suicidal thoughts during one of 19 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,840 Speaker 1: his lowest moments, a moment where despite all of the distance, 20 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:23,959 Speaker 1: he still called his mother. That alone tells us something 21 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:30,559 Speaker 1: about the bond that exists here. Today's session is about 22 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:33,760 Speaker 1: helping gladys take the first steps towards rebuilding that connection, 23 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,800 Speaker 1: not by rehashing the past, but by creating a new 24 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:42,240 Speaker 1: emotional space for a relationship that can grow forward. I 25 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,919 Speaker 1: preface before this session begins that if you or someone 26 00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 1: you love is having a hard time, please reach out 27 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,160 Speaker 1: to a professional who will be honored to listen. You 28 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:56,919 Speaker 1: are not alone. What are your best hopes from meeting 29 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:57,200 Speaker 1: with me? 30 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 2: Now that Elijah is a part of this I didn't 31 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,840 Speaker 2: think that he was going to be a part of 32 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 2: this session, and I only thought it was going to 33 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 2: be for my siblings and my father and I. But 34 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,880 Speaker 2: because Elijah is now in this session, my greatest hope 35 00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 2: is for us to heal what has taken place in 36 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 2: our lives that has affected our family when it came 37 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 2: to separation from him and myself from two thousand and 38 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:30,480 Speaker 2: thirteen until twenty and nineteen. That has caused a lot 39 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:35,080 Speaker 2: of distrust, a lot of hurt. Last year, Elijah and 40 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:39,839 Speaker 2: I got into a huge, huge fight and altercation that 41 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 2: exploded in a way that shocked everyone, including myself in 42 00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:51,160 Speaker 2: my family. It got physical, and I'm really disappointed about 43 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:56,760 Speaker 2: that because I've always had to fight men either protecting others. 44 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,600 Speaker 2: I've seen it growing up in my family on both 45 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 2: sides of domestic violence. I knew that Elijah was angry 46 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:12,560 Speaker 2: with me, but I didn't realize that his anger with 47 00:03:12,639 --> 00:03:17,280 Speaker 2: me was as strong as it has been, and it 48 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:22,040 Speaker 2: blew up into a physical altercation on Christmas, my sister's 49 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:25,520 Speaker 2: anniversary of her death. There's so much to unpack, and 50 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 2: I didn't realize he was going to be a part 51 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,040 Speaker 2: of this session. It's really affected our whole entire family, 52 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 2: like our relationship and because he's so special to every 53 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:39,240 Speaker 2: single person that knows him, from his aunties to his uncles. 54 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:44,600 Speaker 2: It's sometimes it's hurtful for my side of the family 55 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:48,320 Speaker 2: to hear him say that he doesn't remember us when 56 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:52,440 Speaker 2: it wasn't a long period of time that he was 57 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 2: removed from my care. So I'm hoping that what this 58 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:03,920 Speaker 2: could bring for me personally is not to hold any 59 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 2: more fear or concerned when it comes to my relationship 60 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 2: with my son. I mean, I'm always open, Elliott. I'm 61 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 2: a true open book. There's nothing that I feel that 62 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:17,440 Speaker 2: I can't share with my life, and there's nothing that 63 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,559 Speaker 2: I haven't been able to share with my son yet. 64 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:23,440 Speaker 2: I don't even know where to start, honestly, Like, I 65 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,680 Speaker 2: have no idea where to start with him, because it's 66 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,680 Speaker 2: a battle of like do you remember or you're saying 67 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,640 Speaker 2: that you don't want to speak on it? Are you 68 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 2: scared to speak on it? Are you scared? Like so, 69 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,120 Speaker 2: there's just so many ways that I've done my best 70 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:43,000 Speaker 2: to tap in, and sometimes he's open, and then other 71 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,480 Speaker 2: times he's he's not open, and I don't know how 72 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 2: to I don't know because we don't really speak a 73 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:55,600 Speaker 2: lot of the times with words where like telepathic, like 74 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 2: I swear when he was first born, I tell everybody this, 75 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,560 Speaker 2: fresh from the womb, he had a mustache. I remember 76 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 2: my body shaking and then putting him on me. He 77 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 2: looked at me and said, Mom, we've been speaking for 78 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 2: so long, it's okay. Breathe and literally like that, like 79 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,320 Speaker 2: hearing it like that. I took a deep breath in 80 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:23,240 Speaker 2: and I like exealed. And then he ended up nursing himself, 81 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 2: and the doctors were like, wait, so we don't even 82 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 2: have to teach this little guy how to you know, nurse. 83 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,360 Speaker 2: He already knows I'm like, oh my god, he has 84 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 2: a mustache. He's old. So from the very beginning, I've 85 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:40,520 Speaker 2: always felt like we've had such a connection, and unfortunately 86 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:48,720 Speaker 2: our connection was ruined for jealousy and his father marrying 87 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 2: someone who wasn't really healthy for our blended families. That 88 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:57,279 Speaker 2: caused a lot of pain and destruction, and the people 89 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,240 Speaker 2: that really got shattered from that was Elijah and I. 90 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,920 Speaker 2: So I don't know where we can start, but I 91 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,359 Speaker 2: haven't been in counseling since I was pregnant with Elijah. 92 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,440 Speaker 2: His father and I stating for about two years couple's therapy. 93 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,960 Speaker 2: When I got pregnant with Elijah, we were already together 94 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 2: for eleven years and the relationship was over before he 95 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:25,040 Speaker 2: was two years old. For the first year after we split, 96 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:28,720 Speaker 2: it was really difficult. When we came back together, we 97 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,679 Speaker 2: spoke about what we wanted for him and his life 98 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:38,240 Speaker 2: because his father is Haitian, so different culture. I think 99 00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:42,040 Speaker 2: we spoke about that my dad's Puerto Rican, both Elijah's 100 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,640 Speaker 2: father's families, and I was very broken. So when we 101 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,840 Speaker 2: got together when we were teenagers, we just stuck together 102 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,280 Speaker 2: and we went through a lot together. So when it 103 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,960 Speaker 2: came to have him. Our relationship was coming to an end, 104 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,719 Speaker 2: but we had always promised that no matter what, we 105 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:02,600 Speaker 2: would not allow any buddy to interfere in our co 106 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,400 Speaker 2: parenting and we would do everything that we could do 107 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 2: for him, And so we were able to really co 108 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:12,360 Speaker 2: parent well for six seven years and lived next to 109 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:16,960 Speaker 2: each other, made sure we always had we were still family. 110 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,760 Speaker 2: That's how I always looked at Elijah's father, like, that's 111 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,200 Speaker 2: my family. I've known him since I was fifteen years old. 112 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,480 Speaker 2: I don't care who comes into his life, what comes across, 113 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 2: that's my family. But unfortunately he no longer feels that way, 114 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,600 Speaker 2: and I believe the only way to control me was 115 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 2: to have Elijah. So that's what took place, and it 116 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 2: was bad. It was horrible. So the worst time of 117 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,680 Speaker 2: my like from two thousand and thirteen until last year, 118 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 2: has been extremely difficult for me because I felt for 119 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 2: so long my life was put on hold for things 120 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:56,920 Speaker 2: that weren't that was of evil intent, and so living 121 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,520 Speaker 2: that way and living in that fear of something's going 122 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 2: to happen to my son just anywhere, from suicide to 123 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:08,040 Speaker 2: like just a lot of stuff. Him being in counseling 124 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:14,560 Speaker 2: and therapy and to hear his therapists be concerned about 125 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,040 Speaker 2: my safety because of feelings that he was feelings. I 126 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,400 Speaker 2: don't know. He just doesn't He opens up and then 127 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 2: he shuts down, and then I feel like he's really 128 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,680 Speaker 2: angry with me, and I don't know how to fix that, 129 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 2: and I don't know, Like honestly, I feel like there's 130 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,839 Speaker 2: a lot of things that has just been completely unfair 131 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 2: to the both of us, and we're just trying to 132 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,680 Speaker 2: figure out how to deal with that and going further. 133 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 2: Last Christmas was such a huge blow up that I've 134 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 2: only seen him once since then, before the blow up 135 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 2: took place or what have you, Like, I've always spoke 136 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 2: to him like babe, like you like, whatever needs to happen, 137 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,199 Speaker 2: We need to get this out because we need to 138 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,679 Speaker 2: speak to people, we need to heal. And my biggest 139 00:08:57,679 --> 00:09:00,200 Speaker 2: thing is always like Elijah, if you don't speak to 140 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,960 Speaker 2: me and deal with the issues that you have to 141 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,839 Speaker 2: deal with, I promise you, son, you will go into 142 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:12,840 Speaker 2: the world and attract a partner. Whatever you haven't dealt 143 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 2: with with me will come out on your partner. And 144 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 2: I don't want that for you because I've seen that 145 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 2: in life, Like you know. I see how when we're 146 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 2: hurt by our parents, we hurt the people that become 147 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 2: our future partners and things like that. So I've always 148 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:33,160 Speaker 2: spoken to him about that, but he's I don't know. 149 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,600 Speaker 2: So my biggest thing right now is that I feel 150 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:40,079 Speaker 2: like my relationship amongst my siblings, I am my brother's keeper, 151 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:44,320 Speaker 2: I am my sister's keeper. Our relationships are right. But 152 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 2: the relationship that has me suffering is my relationship with 153 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 2: my son. 154 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,360 Speaker 1: What difference would it make for you to heal the universe? 155 00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:03,440 Speaker 2: The world? Like he's me. He's so special, He's such 156 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:11,200 Speaker 2: a dynamic individual that it hurts me that he hurts. 157 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,080 Speaker 2: I feel like I'm strong enough to deal with the 158 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,840 Speaker 2: stuff that hasn't been understood, and I could be able 159 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 2: to work through that, but it destroys me that he's shattered, 160 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 2: like and I don't like and I And you can't 161 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 2: force anybody to talk. You can't force anybody to see 162 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,440 Speaker 2: things the way that it needs to be seen and 163 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:33,440 Speaker 2: outside of me, like you know what I mean. I 164 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 2: had a conversation at one point with him like bebere 165 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:41,080 Speaker 2: are Our history unfortunately is written on paper and documents. 166 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 2: If you have questions you're old enough now that you 167 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:47,959 Speaker 2: can sit down and ask whatever questions you want to ask. 168 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 2: He's always been open with me. My biggest thing has 169 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,800 Speaker 2: always been since he was a child, the infant, because 170 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 2: he used to speak a lot when he was first born. 171 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 2: I'm like, as soon as he learns English, you're gonna 172 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,640 Speaker 2: know exactly what he means and he's gonna be business 173 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:03,280 Speaker 2: and there's nothing that you can say. So I've always 174 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 2: honored that with him, Like, you know, I don't care 175 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 2: who you are. Speak your truths because you have such 176 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,719 Speaker 2: a great heart that if people don't understand you will 177 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 2: then those are the people that are not going to 178 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,599 Speaker 2: understand you. But speaking your truth is not going to 179 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:18,160 Speaker 2: hurt people because you're so kind, You're just so pure. 180 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 2: Over the last year, I've been trying to get better 181 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 2: insurance so we could actually have a therapy session, I 182 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,080 Speaker 2: asked him. I said, so, Elijah, what type of therapists 183 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 2: do you want? We don't just have to go into 184 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 2: an office and that's automatically our therapist. No, I need 185 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,520 Speaker 2: you to tell me. Do you want a woman? Do 186 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:36,120 Speaker 2: you want a man? Do you want it to be young? 187 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,400 Speaker 2: What do you want? And interestingly enough he described you 188 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:44,920 Speaker 2: without even knowing that he described you without even knowing. 189 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 1: You mentioned that you did not expect Elijah to be 190 00:11:48,559 --> 00:11:52,439 Speaker 1: a part of this process, No, I didn't. What did 191 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,240 Speaker 1: it mean to you when you found out he was? 192 00:11:55,040 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 2: I was beyond excited, beyond excited. I didn't even talk 193 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,480 Speaker 2: to him about it. We didn't talk at all because 194 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 2: Auntie Jasmin handled it, and I was like, do your 195 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,120 Speaker 2: thing if your nephew is gonna be a part, Like, 196 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,520 Speaker 2: I'm all about it. I'm so excited. 197 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 1: What do you think was the deciding factor? Like? Why 198 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:17,480 Speaker 1: would allaj to do it? 199 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 2: I have no idea. When Jasmine told me, I knew 200 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:29,080 Speaker 2: that he's always been open to therapy because I've always 201 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:32,720 Speaker 2: been open to therapy and spoke about it. However, I 202 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,960 Speaker 2: just didn't know that he would so easily just be 203 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:40,080 Speaker 2: like okay and coming into a group setting. You know, 204 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,560 Speaker 2: maybe with him by himself it would be okay, but 205 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:45,760 Speaker 2: for him come into a group setting. I mean, he's 206 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:49,920 Speaker 2: just very respectful anyway, like with his aunts and uncles. 207 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,720 Speaker 2: So I don't know. I have no idea other than 208 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 2: I'm grateful that he's a part of it. 209 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: How would you know that healing was happening, like what 210 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:08,200 Speaker 1: would be the very first clue that healing was happening. 211 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:15,600 Speaker 2: Questions are being asked, what kind of questions his own? 212 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:20,720 Speaker 2: What happened, what took place, didn't end up this way 213 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:28,600 Speaker 2: like any type of real conversation about his feelings. I've 214 00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:33,520 Speaker 2: always spoke to Elijah about speaking his truth. He stopped 215 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:38,080 Speaker 2: speaking his truth in twenty fourteen, and I feel like 216 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,440 Speaker 2: any other time he would try to speak his truth, 217 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 2: he would get in trouble, and so he stopped speaking it. 218 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:50,199 Speaker 2: And so that's where I know for me, healing will 219 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:53,120 Speaker 2: start when he starts speaking his truth again. 220 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: And how do you know that that would heal the 221 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:58,960 Speaker 1: relationship between the two of you. I don't so what 222 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,880 Speaker 1: would be a sign that to really was being healed 223 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:01,599 Speaker 1: between the two of you? 224 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:04,720 Speaker 2: Don't I don't know. 225 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,520 Speaker 1: Actually, what do you think? 226 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:12,680 Speaker 2: I guess halliet because I feel like for myself, like 227 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,080 Speaker 2: everything is really spiritual for me. It's not so much 228 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 2: of words. I guess it's a feeling. I haven't felt 229 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,960 Speaker 2: my full heart beat in a long time, and Elijah 230 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,480 Speaker 2: has always been a part of I don't know, a 231 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,360 Speaker 2: dynamic change within me in my life personally outside of 232 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:37,080 Speaker 2: just being his mother, having him a part of my life. 233 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,720 Speaker 2: It just was so easy, and now I feel like 234 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:45,880 Speaker 2: everything hasn't been easy. The feeling of stepping on eggshells 235 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 2: and not knowing like when things are going to blow up. 236 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,320 Speaker 2: I have no idea. It's really sad. 237 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,280 Speaker 1: I think a sign would be that it was healing. 238 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,360 Speaker 1: And particularly what I mean by it was healing is 239 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,600 Speaker 1: the relationship between you and. 240 00:14:58,520 --> 00:14:59,960 Speaker 2: Elive our separation. 241 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,560 Speaker 1: Okay, what is something that you'd like him to know. 242 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,240 Speaker 2: That I never abandoned him, that I never would just 243 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 2: leave him, that I always have taken care of him, 244 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:17,840 Speaker 2: that I would have I would have done everything that 245 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:22,320 Speaker 2: I possibly could do without you know, literally being incocerated, 246 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,800 Speaker 2: like you know, breaking the law. But I just what 247 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,760 Speaker 2: would it be to feel like it was healed, like I. 248 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 1: Not healed, but just healing, like that the healing process 249 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,359 Speaker 1: has begun. What will be the first indicator? 250 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 2: Does the start of like the healing process, there's somebody 251 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,200 Speaker 2: else outside of us, not family, Like we're sitting and 252 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,280 Speaker 2: we're going to dialogue. So I think this is the 253 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,960 Speaker 2: very beginning of it. I've asked before and how can 254 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:51,520 Speaker 2: we start the healing process? And there's times where he's 255 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 2: resentful that he's just like I've changed and I'll never 256 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,320 Speaker 2: be the person that you used to know. And then 257 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,800 Speaker 2: I don't know how to deal with that because I'm like, 258 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:05,400 Speaker 2: damn like, because there's way too much other influences around. 259 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:09,280 Speaker 2: I don't want to speak ill about like this is 260 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,440 Speaker 2: one of the things I like to this day. I 261 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,000 Speaker 2: still tell him how much I love his father. There's 262 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:16,600 Speaker 2: nothing that your dad can make me do not to 263 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 2: love him. I love him like you know. But I 264 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,920 Speaker 2: just can't change things from how they are now to 265 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,800 Speaker 2: the way that they used to be because I don't 266 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:28,480 Speaker 2: even understand what happened. I didn't just lose my son. 267 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,600 Speaker 2: I lost my best friend. His father was one of 268 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:36,640 Speaker 2: my greatest friends. So where I would have the analogy 269 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 2: of Jesus Christ's back after it was whipped, I felt 270 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,600 Speaker 2: for so long because I just felt like I was 271 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:47,400 Speaker 2: betrayed so deeply by someone who I've loved for so 272 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:52,520 Speaker 2: long and that I love like no other because he's 273 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,680 Speaker 2: the father of my child. Now I have my son, 274 00:16:56,080 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 2: who I don't know is really hurt by this. It's 275 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 2: like I want to say this because there's so many 276 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,520 Speaker 2: times that I thought like I was so scared of 277 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:09,480 Speaker 2: losing him, like his life. I got a call last 278 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,399 Speaker 2: year and my Jasmine and Chris was a part of 279 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 2: this when it took place. I got a call from 280 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,920 Speaker 2: Elijah and he had told me that he was having 281 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:24,320 Speaker 2: thoughts of suicide and that he didn't want to hurt himself, 282 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,239 Speaker 2: but he didn't know how to deal with like like 283 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 2: how he was feeling for me. I've always been for therapy. 284 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:34,360 Speaker 2: His father, on the other hand, has always been like, nope, 285 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,359 Speaker 2: no one needs to be in your business. So last 286 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 2: year I got a call from Elijah, and Elijah stated 287 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:48,520 Speaker 2: his feelings, and I was so scared that immediately, you know, 288 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,840 Speaker 2: his father was yelling on the phone, like you're making 289 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,679 Speaker 2: a big deal out of these things. Nothing's wrong with him. 290 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 2: Like if somebody's telling you they're not feeling well, you 291 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 2: have to believe them. He's been through so much and 292 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,439 Speaker 2: comes from a family that has mental illness. His dad's 293 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,960 Speaker 2: family has mental illness, My family has mental illness. I 294 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:11,159 Speaker 2: when I was young, never wanted to live, So I 295 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,239 Speaker 2: know about suicide and I know about like trying to 296 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,520 Speaker 2: like I know all of these things. So I've always 297 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:22,239 Speaker 2: wanted Elijah to feel safe. And last year when he 298 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,159 Speaker 2: told me that, I couldn't as I wanted to go 299 00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 2: up to him, but when his dad is involved, it's 300 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,639 Speaker 2: very difficult for me to get through to Elijah. So 301 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:33,840 Speaker 2: I just had to stop. 302 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 1: How often do you talk to a lot? 303 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 2: It's not often, Elliott. That makes me sad. 304 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,880 Speaker 1: When you do speak, what are the typical topics of conversation. 305 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,520 Speaker 2: We don't really talk about anything that's of substance, like, 306 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,639 Speaker 2: you know, just daily whatever he's doing that day, or 307 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:25,840 Speaker 2: how he feels about school. But his communication changes Elliott 308 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:29,480 Speaker 2: when he's around his father and his father's wife because 309 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,600 Speaker 2: he feels that he can't really speak. I just feel 310 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:36,120 Speaker 2: like because it's there's other influences that are around, and 311 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,800 Speaker 2: I don't try to argue. But I've noticed that for 312 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,879 Speaker 2: years now, so it's something that I don't like that 313 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:46,600 Speaker 2: I'm used to. But that's the part that I'm completely 314 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,720 Speaker 2: being honest. I'm I'm angry about that, and I'm. 315 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:53,200 Speaker 1: Like, why, why? Why be angry about that? 316 00:19:55,000 --> 00:20:00,920 Speaker 2: I feel like he is old enough to know how 317 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:05,359 Speaker 2: important our relationship has always been, and I feel like 318 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:11,120 Speaker 2: he gives more respect to his father and his father's 319 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:17,240 Speaker 2: wife than he does me. I'm angry about that because 320 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 2: they're the ones that really try to destroy us everything 321 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 2: they did in court. 322 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,359 Speaker 1: And Elijah knows that he knows it. 323 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 2: Elliot. I asked him a couple years ago he turned 324 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:38,960 Speaker 2: twenty to it's time for you to take a look 325 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:44,040 Speaker 2: at the court documents. He never He never really did, 326 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,760 Speaker 2: because I'm like, don't take it for me, don't don't. 327 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,320 Speaker 2: I don't want you just to hear what I want 328 00:20:50,359 --> 00:20:54,200 Speaker 2: you to know facts. Read it for yourself. It's public knowledge. 329 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,439 Speaker 2: See if that makes sense to you. Ask questions, and 330 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,360 Speaker 2: you're not asking questions. But I feel like there's times 331 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:07,760 Speaker 2: that he's cynical about it and condescending but hurt at 332 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,760 Speaker 2: the same time. But he never wants to get to 333 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,399 Speaker 2: the actual truth of the matter, like you know, And 334 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 2: I'm like, come on, like you're smart, see it for yourself. 335 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,560 Speaker 2: And it's not about choosing sides. It's just about dealing 336 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,560 Speaker 2: with what took place so that we can move on 337 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,760 Speaker 2: from it. However, I can't be the one to be 338 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,520 Speaker 2: the blame when I never started it. It never started this. 339 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:35,760 Speaker 1: Do you feel bad? 340 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:36,439 Speaker 2: Yes? 341 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,720 Speaker 1: Do you feel bad about anything that's happened? 342 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:43,639 Speaker 2: Absolutely, everything that's happened, like you're rolling it. 343 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,880 Speaker 1: Do you feel bad about anything you did to contribute 344 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,480 Speaker 1: to it? And I'm not blaming you either, to be 345 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,679 Speaker 1: very clear, but do you feel bad about anything that 346 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,280 Speaker 1: you did to contribute to the situation. 347 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 2: So, if we're talking about the situation that took place 348 00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:03,000 Speaker 2: in court, absolutely not. If we're talking about how we've 349 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:07,879 Speaker 2: had to survive during the times of what we went through, 350 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 2: I'm sure I did things that I would love to 351 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 2: take back. Like I give you examples like on vacation 352 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,960 Speaker 2: times where Elijah was supposed to be with me and 353 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,920 Speaker 2: I would fly out to Los Angeles to see him 354 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:26,920 Speaker 2: on visitation days, like his father and his father's wife 355 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,160 Speaker 2: would keep him from me. So like, I'm just mad 356 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,359 Speaker 2: that I wasn't smart enough to deal with the court 357 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,119 Speaker 2: the way that I knew it's about court protocol that 358 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:40,199 Speaker 2: I was always I couldn't understand. Elijah's father's very smart, 359 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:44,320 Speaker 2: always been a brilliant man. Like you know, I'm just 360 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:48,800 Speaker 2: mad that I didn't understand what I understand now because 361 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,960 Speaker 2: I feel like I would have been able to just 362 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:55,479 Speaker 2: show what needed to be shown so that it didn't 363 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,840 Speaker 2: go the way that it went. But I'm mad at 364 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,240 Speaker 2: myself for not listening to my intuition, mad at myself 365 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:06,840 Speaker 2: for getting sick, Mad that I had to make decisions 366 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:11,639 Speaker 2: that I feel like I give so much and then 367 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:14,760 Speaker 2: just thinking it's going to be I would get back. 368 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,560 Speaker 2: I'm just mad about a lot of things. I truly am. 369 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:23,480 Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm sure even with Elijah, like I 370 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 2: getting to a place of speaking to him and just 371 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:29,520 Speaker 2: being like, tell me where you know, like what's on 372 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,440 Speaker 2: your mind so that we can talk about it, because 373 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:35,520 Speaker 2: I'm not always right. And I remember one time when 374 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:39,480 Speaker 2: I the relationship between his father and I had first ended, 375 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,240 Speaker 2: and he was three years around two or three years 376 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:43,840 Speaker 2: old at the time, and I had to move back 377 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,840 Speaker 2: to the East Coast. Did not want to be on 378 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:48,520 Speaker 2: the East Coast. I just felt like it wasn't my 379 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,000 Speaker 2: life anymore and I had a different life. And when 380 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,600 Speaker 2: I had to come back with Elijah, I remember we 381 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,240 Speaker 2: were driving and I had picked him up from daycare 382 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,520 Speaker 2: and I was coming out of work and I'm driving 383 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,320 Speaker 2: and I'm trying to hold my posure in my emotions 384 00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:03,520 Speaker 2: because I'm just thinking about how much my life has 385 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:07,280 Speaker 2: just changed, and Elijah seeing in the backseat looking out 386 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:11,680 Speaker 2: the window and he says to me, Mommy, where there's 387 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:15,119 Speaker 2: a will, there's a way, And I'm like what? And 388 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,000 Speaker 2: I turned to him and I was like, what did 389 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,080 Speaker 2: you say? He says, it's okay, mommy like and in 390 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,480 Speaker 2: that moment, I started crying, like are you sure? 391 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:22,800 Speaker 1: Like? 392 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:26,280 Speaker 2: Because I always looked at him as a not so 393 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:30,000 Speaker 2: much just my son, but the world's son, because of 394 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 2: how brilliant he is, like you know, and I always 395 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:38,200 Speaker 2: wanted to protect his innocence and protect his truth, give 396 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:43,080 Speaker 2: him what I never had. And I know that part 397 00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 2: of him is embedded within him of his wisdom. I 398 00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:50,520 Speaker 2: just don't understand why he doesn't ask those same type 399 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,679 Speaker 2: of questions now that he's older and is able to 400 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,919 Speaker 2: see something's wrong here? What happened? What took place? 401 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,320 Speaker 1: If I talk to Elijah right now and asked him 402 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:05,000 Speaker 1: a very important question, yep, Hey Elijah, what do you 403 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,280 Speaker 1: need from your mother right now? What would he say? 404 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:09,440 Speaker 1: What do you think he'd say? 405 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:11,520 Speaker 2: I don't know, to be held? 406 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,679 Speaker 1: Do you think that's what he'd say? I ask you, 407 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,240 Speaker 1: what do you think he'd say he needs? 408 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:21,040 Speaker 2: I don't know, because I've I don't know. It's not 409 00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:23,920 Speaker 2: about apology it's not about being like wrong, because I'm 410 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:28,080 Speaker 2: okay with being wrong. Like if I apologize, I apologize, 411 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 2: So I don't know. Whatever he would need, without a doubt, 412 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:41,800 Speaker 2: I would drop everything to give it to him. 413 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 1: What if he said, I don't want to talk about 414 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:50,320 Speaker 1: what happened before. I don't want to talk about Dad, 415 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:51,760 Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about court. I don't want 416 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,200 Speaker 1: to have to talk about the fight on Christmas. I 417 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:55,440 Speaker 1: don't want to talk about any of that. 418 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,040 Speaker 2: What would you say, we don't got to talk about it, 419 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,040 Speaker 2: But I think you should talk about it to somebody else. 420 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:03,680 Speaker 1: Would that be hard for you? 421 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:09,080 Speaker 2: No, everybody heals and has their own process of healing. 422 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:13,040 Speaker 2: I'm a talker, so for me it's easy to talk. 423 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,760 Speaker 2: For other people, it's not easy. Like you know, I 424 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,920 Speaker 2: like so I can understand all of those aspects. I mean, 425 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,200 Speaker 2: that's not a problem for me. Want to make sure 426 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:27,959 Speaker 2: that at the end of the day, you're not horboring 427 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:34,000 Speaker 2: any ill feelings or going to cause you pain in 428 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:38,400 Speaker 2: the future or even now. Whatever my son needs, if 429 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,920 Speaker 2: it's talking, if it's talking just a little bit, if 430 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:45,280 Speaker 2: it's screaming, whatever the case is that he needs to do, 431 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:49,800 Speaker 2: I'm because I know I have my support regardless. If 432 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:53,320 Speaker 2: I can't get some type of healing, I'm gonna get 433 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:56,800 Speaker 2: it for my faith. Faith is strong, my prayer is strong. 434 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:00,480 Speaker 1: You said something that actually surprised me. Share with you 435 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:04,160 Speaker 1: what it is. You said that you and Elijah don't 436 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,840 Speaker 1: always talk. He hasn't lived with you in a long while. 437 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,920 Speaker 1: He told me about the fight that happened on Christmas. 438 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:15,640 Speaker 1: Then you said he was thinking about harming himself. Yep, 439 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,520 Speaker 1: And he called me to tell me yep. Why would 440 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:23,359 Speaker 1: he do that if we haven't talked. Sometimes you text me, 441 00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:25,159 Speaker 1: he doesn't respond. Sometimes you call him, he can't get 442 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,440 Speaker 1: a hold of him. He was in a real low, 443 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:29,640 Speaker 1: dark place. Why did he call his mom? 444 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:35,840 Speaker 2: Because he knows I love him so much, and I 445 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:40,240 Speaker 2: know that we have spoken about what can happen when 446 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,880 Speaker 2: we're really depressed. I've just been so concerned for him 447 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,159 Speaker 2: for the last several years, in him living with me 448 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:53,200 Speaker 2: from twenty nineteen until last year, and I just saw 449 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:57,320 Speaker 2: things that I never saw before. And my biggest thing 450 00:27:57,359 --> 00:28:01,560 Speaker 2: has always been about like the fear of him causing 451 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,560 Speaker 2: himself pain and not telling anybody. 452 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,239 Speaker 1: Yeah, So I'm gonna push you a little bit, I'm 453 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:11,840 Speaker 1: going to push you. That can't be the answer, because 454 00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:17,359 Speaker 1: there's got to be something deeper. When he was in 455 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,760 Speaker 1: a real low moment, I don't think it matters that 456 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,040 Speaker 1: you talk to him about this, or like, why would 457 00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:27,040 Speaker 1: he call the person he wasn't living with you from 458 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:32,800 Speaker 1: twenty thirteen to twenty nineteen. Yes, according to you, he's 459 00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:39,320 Speaker 1: being unfairly influenced by his stepmother and father. Yes, But 460 00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 1: when things got at his lowest, when he was considering 461 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:45,840 Speaker 1: causing himself harm, he called the person with whom he 462 00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:49,720 Speaker 1: doesn't have a great relationship. That doesn't make any sense, 463 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,560 Speaker 1: So why did he do it? Well? 464 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:54,480 Speaker 2: When he called me to tell me, he said, Hey, Mom, 465 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:57,040 Speaker 2: I just wanted to call you and tell you. I 466 00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,600 Speaker 2: talked to my dad and I talked to Susan. I'm 467 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,480 Speaker 2: feeling like I want to hurt myself now, Elliott. Three 468 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:08,479 Speaker 2: months prior him and I were already speaking about it, 469 00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,959 Speaker 2: so we've always been open with one another. So I 470 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:16,320 Speaker 2: feel like he called me because he knew I would 471 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:21,719 Speaker 2: know how he was feeling deeply, without any type of 472 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:29,200 Speaker 2: judgment or shame. How I dealt with it. I immediately 473 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:33,280 Speaker 2: was like, Elijah, you got to get yourself somewhere. I 474 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:36,120 Speaker 2: need you to make sure didn't do that. I was 475 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,959 Speaker 2: with my brother Chris at the time. I had to 476 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:42,960 Speaker 2: call the police, the non emergency to do a checkup 477 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,080 Speaker 2: because I didn't know what was going to happen when 478 00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:48,920 Speaker 2: I did that, Like that's when I'm shut off. So 479 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 2: I'm like, he won't call for a couple of days. 480 00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:56,240 Speaker 2: I even bought a ticket to fly up to where 481 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:59,120 Speaker 2: he was living with his father, like see him, but 482 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:01,720 Speaker 2: he just was like, please don't do that. So I 483 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:07,000 Speaker 2: just I don't know. Oh, I don't know. 484 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:27,280 Speaker 1: I do have one more question stood out ya When 485 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:30,719 Speaker 1: did he make the statement I'm not that person anymore 486 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:32,600 Speaker 1: and I don't think I'll be that person. When did 487 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:33,480 Speaker 1: he make that statement? 488 00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:38,239 Speaker 2: It was probably like the first six months he was 489 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:43,400 Speaker 2: back with me in twenty nineteen, because immediately when he 490 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,840 Speaker 2: came back to me, I put him in therapy. The 491 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:50,440 Speaker 2: only reason why it stopped was because I lost my job, 492 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:54,560 Speaker 2: so my insurance stopped. But it was around the first 493 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,440 Speaker 2: six months, and my thing was like, you know, Gabe, 494 00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,840 Speaker 2: to speak your truth, and he's like, no, like speaking 495 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,440 Speaker 2: your truth doesn't matter. People don't don't hear you. When 496 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:05,400 Speaker 2: you speak your truth. Like, so, there was just a 497 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:08,840 Speaker 2: lot of stuff that change that I still don't know 498 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:13,240 Speaker 2: because he still hasn't really opened up. There there were 499 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,880 Speaker 2: reports I found out at a later time, services was 500 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:19,680 Speaker 2: called to his father's house. Like there's been so much 501 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,880 Speaker 2: that has been kept from me that when I try 502 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 2: to just ask about certain things, he'll shut down and 503 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:28,200 Speaker 2: he won't say anything. 504 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:30,440 Speaker 1: Thank you, and I mean this for all of you. 505 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:36,040 Speaker 1: Thank you for participating and engaging with this conversation. There's 506 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 1: one idea I want to try to get as across 507 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,040 Speaker 1: from you that I think will help get us on 508 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,040 Speaker 1: the road to healing. Are you okay with that? 509 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:44,720 Speaker 2: Open with everything? 510 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:50,040 Speaker 1: Well, there's one there's one task I need you to accomplish. 511 00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:55,320 Speaker 1: I think there's something mysterious about Elijah. 512 00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:56,480 Speaker 2: I agree. 513 00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:58,240 Speaker 1: Why did that make you smile? 514 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:06,360 Speaker 2: Because that's he's magical, He's mysterious, He's miss all of that. 515 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,320 Speaker 1: If I say something that upsets or offends you, will 516 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:12,000 Speaker 1: you please yell at me about it? Because I want 517 00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:14,280 Speaker 1: you to feel. I have to say what I need 518 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:16,160 Speaker 1: to say, but I want you to be okay to 519 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:17,440 Speaker 1: get mad at me if you need to be. 520 00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,400 Speaker 2: And I know where it's coming from and I know 521 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:22,080 Speaker 2: it's coming from good intentions. 522 00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:26,360 Speaker 1: Let me say this, I think there's something mysterious about him. 523 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:33,000 Speaker 1: He keeps doing things that I, as a psychotherapist, experience 524 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:41,280 Speaker 1: as unusual. For example, he doesn't currently have the most 525 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 1: connected relationship with you, and he has every opportunity to 526 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:49,080 Speaker 1: keep it that way, and he doesn't like he does 527 00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:53,480 Speaker 1: not have to participate in this therapy process, but he 528 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:57,920 Speaker 1: chooses to. At his lowest moment, he did not have 529 00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:02,480 Speaker 1: to call you, but he did. Now, there's something about 530 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:04,960 Speaker 1: him that he's not gonna overtly I mean, I think 531 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,880 Speaker 1: that's the mysterious part about him. He's not gonna overtly 532 00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:10,520 Speaker 1: tell us why he is doing the things he is doing. 533 00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:13,920 Speaker 1: But he keeps doing things that caused me to believe 534 00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:18,040 Speaker 1: his mother matters to him, even though he might not 535 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,600 Speaker 1: express to me why or how he keeps doing things 536 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,959 Speaker 1: that he doesn't have to do, Whereas for me, the 537 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:30,080 Speaker 1: only explanation is his mother matters to him. I believe 538 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:34,960 Speaker 1: his mom is angry and hurt, and I think the 539 00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:40,120 Speaker 1: presence of the anger and hurt makes it hard for 540 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,400 Speaker 1: him to reconnect with his mother. I actually agree with him. 541 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:45,560 Speaker 1: I think he's a new person at twenty two than 542 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:48,000 Speaker 1: he was at ten when all of this started, or 543 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:50,640 Speaker 1: whatever age you was. Yes, so does everything I said 544 00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:55,760 Speaker 1: so far sound fair? Absolutely okay with me calling him mysterious? 545 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:57,800 Speaker 1: You're okay with me thinking that you matter to him 546 00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,960 Speaker 1: even though he can't express it in that way, Like, you're. 547 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,080 Speaker 2: Okay with all of it because it's all true. 548 00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:07,280 Speaker 1: So if that's true, you have one very simple task, gladys. 549 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:08,920 Speaker 2: Yes, work on not being angry. 550 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:14,040 Speaker 1: No, okay, The task is going to require you to 551 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:17,040 Speaker 1: not be angry, But there's a simple task that's far 552 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:17,879 Speaker 1: simpler than that. 553 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:18,320 Speaker 2: Okay. 554 00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:20,640 Speaker 1: Now, you're gonna have to let go of the past, 555 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:22,200 Speaker 1: you're gonna have to let go of anger, and we 556 00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:24,600 Speaker 1: can do all of that. But the task you have 557 00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:29,120 Speaker 1: to accomplish is getting to know him for him today. Yes, yes, 558 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:33,040 Speaker 1: I think the past is clouding your ability to connect 559 00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:33,720 Speaker 1: with him today. 560 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,520 Speaker 2: That's absolutely correct. Okay. 561 00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:42,480 Speaker 1: So what you have is a wonderful, sensitive, albeit mysterious 562 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:46,840 Speaker 1: child who I think is impacted by constantly bringing up 563 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:50,520 Speaker 1: the past, which he very likely experiences as traumatic. 564 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:54,879 Speaker 2: Well, let me ask, how how do we get over 565 00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:56,840 Speaker 2: if I don't even bring up the past? 566 00:34:57,560 --> 00:34:59,600 Speaker 1: Live that up to me. Leave that up to me, 567 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:03,360 Speaker 1: thank you. Your job is to is to just connect 568 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:05,920 Speaker 1: with him. Okay, that's easy, and let go of the 569 00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:08,240 Speaker 1: anger in the past in that connection. 570 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:11,920 Speaker 2: It's absolutely easy. I can That's what I can do. 571 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:16,960 Speaker 1: And I will tell you, Gladys, there is something about 572 00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:21,799 Speaker 1: him that needs something from you, but we don't yet 573 00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,319 Speaker 1: know him well enough to know what that is. And 574 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:25,840 Speaker 1: I'm going to help you with that, Like that's the 575 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:27,640 Speaker 1: whole point of all of this. But you are not 576 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,040 Speaker 1: the first person in this process to tell me that 577 00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:33,680 Speaker 1: you did not expect him to be a part of this, 578 00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:38,840 Speaker 1: and yet here he is. Okay, before we start guessing, 579 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:43,200 Speaker 1: before we get angry or resentful, let's first figure out 580 00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:47,040 Speaker 1: what he wants from his mom. Yes, because right now 581 00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:48,759 Speaker 1: we don't currently know that. 582 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:49,880 Speaker 2: I'm waiting. 583 00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:54,400 Speaker 1: I'm gonna guess, Gladys, based on my experience and knowledge 584 00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:59,880 Speaker 1: of people. It's not for him to read court document, 585 00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:04,320 Speaker 1: it's not for him to think any differently about his dad. 586 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:08,360 Speaker 1: I'm gonna guess what he needs has very little to 587 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:11,920 Speaker 1: do with all of that shit. Before we can figure 588 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:15,000 Speaker 1: out what he needs, let's get to know him a bit. Yeah, 589 00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:18,560 Speaker 1: because he's breaking the rule, and it's fascinating to me 590 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:23,160 Speaker 1: why he's doing it, like he's hurt, angered, traumatized, but 591 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:28,200 Speaker 1: also present. Yes, that's unusual, so let's figure out what 592 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:29,080 Speaker 1: is driving them. 593 00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:30,200 Speaker 2: Thank you so much. 594 00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,440 Speaker 1: I need you to be the best version of you, 595 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,520 Speaker 1: and we have to put down the anger and the resentment, 596 00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:39,719 Speaker 1: all of them, even if anger and resentment are warranted. Like, 597 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:42,200 Speaker 1: I hope you, I hope you don't experience me as 598 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:45,920 Speaker 1: telling you like you shouldn't feel this way. I'm simply 599 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,040 Speaker 1: saying it's not helping. 600 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:49,759 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I know. In truth be told, it's not 601 00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:53,360 Speaker 2: about anybody outside of me, Elliott. It's not helping me 602 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:56,520 Speaker 2: because when I'm angry, most don't even know what I'm angry. 603 00:36:56,960 --> 00:37:01,520 Speaker 2: I'm not able to move in my life. 604 00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:04,640 Speaker 1: Correct, Gladys. I've known you now for like twenty minutes 605 00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:08,400 Speaker 1: of your life, and I can already tell you're not 606 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:11,160 Speaker 1: a very hard person to read. Like, when you're angry, 607 00:37:11,239 --> 00:37:14,120 Speaker 1: people can see it. When you're happy, people can see it. 608 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:21,080 Speaker 1: You're a very expressive person. So I'm sure Elijah can 609 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:25,440 Speaker 1: tell when you're angry, and I'm equally sure it's impacting him. Yeah, Okay, 610 00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:25,799 Speaker 1: I know. 611 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:26,880 Speaker 2: Thank you. 612 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:30,920 Speaker 1: How do you think we did in our first conversation? Wonderful? 613 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:33,719 Speaker 2: I'm so grateful, Thank you so much. 614 00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:38,239 Speaker 1: As we close today's conversation, I want to acknowledge the 615 00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:40,279 Speaker 1: courage it takes to sit in the middle of your 616 00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:44,719 Speaker 1: deepest wounds and still choose healing. Gladys has shown us 617 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:48,080 Speaker 1: what it looks like to love someone so profoundly that, 618 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:52,520 Speaker 1: even after years of estrangement, anger, silence, and fear, she 619 00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,960 Speaker 1: continues to reach for the possibility of a renewed relationship 620 00:37:56,000 --> 00:38:00,360 Speaker 1: with her son. We explored how anger, even justifying it, anger, 621 00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:04,399 Speaker 1: can stand between us and the connections we desire. We 622 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:08,360 Speaker 1: talked about how distance doesn't always mean disconnection, as shown 623 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:11,000 Speaker 1: in the moment when Elijah called his mother during a 624 00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:15,319 Speaker 1: period of suicidal thoughts. That call wasn't an accident. It 625 00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:19,160 Speaker 1: was a sign that despite the years of difficulty, there 626 00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:22,840 Speaker 1: remains a thread between them that is never fully broken. 627 00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:26,719 Speaker 1: For anyone listening who carries anger, estrangement, or the weight 628 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,560 Speaker 1: of a loved one's mental health struggles, I want you 629 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:35,840 Speaker 1: to hear this. Healing is possible, Reconnection is possible. Sometimes 630 00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:39,759 Speaker 1: the first step isn't changing the other person, it's softening 631 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:43,239 Speaker 1: the space within ourselves so connection can find a way 632 00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:46,879 Speaker 1: back in. Here are a few questions you can ask 633 00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:51,799 Speaker 1: yourself to support your own healing journey. What anger am 634 00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:55,680 Speaker 1: I holding on to that may be protecting me but 635 00:38:55,880 --> 00:39:06,560 Speaker 1: also preventing me from reconnecting with someone I love? Is 636 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,799 Speaker 1: there a part of my story that I've been repeating 637 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:12,840 Speaker 1: for so long that I haven't given myself permission to 638 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:26,240 Speaker 1: reimagine a new chapter when I feel rejected or ignored? 639 00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:30,680 Speaker 1: What fear is sitting underneath that feeling? Fear of loss, 640 00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:34,520 Speaker 1: fear of not being enough, fear of being heard again. 641 00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:46,080 Speaker 1: What would moving forward look like if it didn't depend 642 00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:58,560 Speaker 1: on resolving the past first? To everyone listening, healing isn't linear, 643 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:02,800 Speaker 1: it isn't right, But the moment you choose to approach 644 00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:07,280 Speaker 1: your relationships with curiosity instead of certainty, with compassion instead 645 00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:11,560 Speaker 1: of anger, you create a new possibility. Thank you for 646 00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:13,400 Speaker 1: being here with us, and we'll see you in the 647 00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:18,640 Speaker 1: next session. I would love to hear from you about 648 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:22,440 Speaker 1: your healing journey, your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, 649 00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:25,680 Speaker 1: send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, 650 00:40:25,719 --> 00:40:27,600 Speaker 1: and you can also send me a text message to 651 00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:30,720 Speaker 1: nine seven two four two six two six four zero. 652 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:34,520 Speaker 1: Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black 653 00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:38,080 Speaker 1: Effect podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. 654 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:41,720 Speaker 1: It's produced by jack Quice Thomas and the executive producer 655 00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:45,440 Speaker 1: Dolly s. Fisham. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, 656 00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:48,640 Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your 657 00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:54,920 Speaker 1: favorite shows. The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast 658 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,960 Speaker 1: serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not 659 00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:01,120 Speaker 1: be considered a replacement for personalized metal or mental health guidance, 660 00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:03,920 Speaker 1: and does not constitute a provider of patient relationship. It 661 00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:06,759 Speaker 1: is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health 662 00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:09,319 Speaker 1: team for any specific concern or questions you may have.