1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:01,760 Speaker 1: M m. 2 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:18,360 Speaker 2: H. 3 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,520 Speaker 3: Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and 4 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 3: I'm Mila. 5 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:29,800 Speaker 1: Happy Wednesday, Happy Homday. 6 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:34,920 Speaker 3: Today's a very special day. You tell we're nervous, particularly me, 7 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,040 Speaker 3: when bitches have nothing to say. 8 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,120 Speaker 2: Wait, wait, when bitches who always have ship to say 9 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,600 Speaker 2: suddenly don't have much to say. 10 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 3: So today we have a special guest. 11 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:52,360 Speaker 1: We are actually joined by Denay of Black Marriage Movement. 12 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:56,040 Speaker 3: So happy to have you here. You happy to be here, 13 00:00:56,440 --> 00:01:02,440 Speaker 3: ye hie. We actually found you through our tribe. 14 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,800 Speaker 1: They've said over your videos and your clips often, I 15 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:11,480 Speaker 1: think because we talked so candidly about relationships, our relationships, 16 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,560 Speaker 1: people come on and discuss, you know, their relationships, marriage, 17 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:17,280 Speaker 1: all types of shit, our problems with. 18 00:01:17,319 --> 00:01:23,080 Speaker 2: Marriage, problems with monogamy, our exploration and polyamory and open 19 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 2: relationships and how that looks or if it can work. 20 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:29,880 Speaker 1: And so yeah, we've had a few people send over 21 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,720 Speaker 1: your page and I went down a rabbit hole and 22 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,039 Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, we have to have 23 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:34,520 Speaker 1: her on. 24 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 3: And we've been reading to reach out to you. 25 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,199 Speaker 1: But you guys know, like we've been really really candid 26 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:45,000 Speaker 1: about our relationships or our new relationships. Jamila has been 27 00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 1: you know, honest about her relationship as well. 28 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 3: I feel like I've said relationships on hership. 29 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: What is a synonym for relationship situationship situationship entanglement. 30 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,520 Speaker 3: An entanglement of partnership. 31 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: Partnership and uh yeah, like we know, we've talked about 32 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:10,080 Speaker 1: our journey and therapy. Both of us have done therapy 33 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,680 Speaker 1: by ourselves. I've never done with uh their I've never 34 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,840 Speaker 1: done therapy with a partner. 35 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,959 Speaker 2: I I I attempted in once with my baby daddy 36 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 2: for a few sessions. 37 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:21,880 Speaker 3: Got let go, we're not together. 38 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 2: It did not win it it went okay, it went okay. 39 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 2: I So when we discussed having you on, basically we 40 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 2: had some w Erica and I have b because we've 41 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:43,440 Speaker 2: recently been gotten in relationships around the same time where 42 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,760 Speaker 2: previously we were like anti kind of just because we 43 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,440 Speaker 2: were both really healing and coming out of relationships with 44 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 2: our child's fathers. 45 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 3: And just like how like that new uh transition. 46 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:59,680 Speaker 2: So we've had some d some difficulties, you know, and 47 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 2: we've been honest about the obstacles that you know, just 48 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:07,359 Speaker 2: going from single to being in a relationship encounters. And 49 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:12,160 Speaker 2: actually today we have a special even another special guest. 50 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 3: I feel like we're Mari in the other room. He 51 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:22,280 Speaker 3: can't hear us. It sounds oh my god. Yeah cue 52 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 3: the video clip of like all happy, we have to 53 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:35,600 Speaker 3: put footage there, that's just never mind. So today it 54 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,720 Speaker 3: was Erica's suggestion, because she's. 55 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,520 Speaker 2: My friend, that not only we have denae on to 56 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 2: discuss deny, deny, sorry, obstacles and just relationships period, but 57 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 2: we are going to bring adventure bait in so that 58 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 2: we can kind of discuss where we're at and if 59 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,760 Speaker 2: there's hope and you know, more of me begging on 60 00:03:58,800 --> 00:03:59,320 Speaker 2: the internet. 61 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 3: She's been doing some begging on the internet. 62 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 1: Something wrong with he's been doing just like begging. 63 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,200 Speaker 3: Everybody, keep calm, it's flight. 64 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,360 Speaker 2: So yeah, so can you tell us a little bit 65 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 2: about yourself and sure how you came to be and 66 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,919 Speaker 2: how you came to do the Black Marriage Movement. 67 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,239 Speaker 3: Sure. So, my name's Dianai Murri. I am the founder 68 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 3: of the Black Marriage Movement. I created that page because honestly, 69 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:25,719 Speaker 3: I want to be the change I want to see 70 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,440 Speaker 3: in the world. When I first got on the internet, 71 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:33,600 Speaker 3: particularly on Instagram, everything was it, particularly anything that sat 72 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:37,160 Speaker 3: in the relationship space where black people were concerned was 73 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:42,480 Speaker 3: beyond negatives. It was all babies, mom's babies, daddy's fighting, fighting, fighting, 74 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:46,839 Speaker 3: side chicks, everything and just function dysfunction. Uh. And it 75 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 3: looked like there was no such thing as a beautiful 76 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,040 Speaker 3: black couple who was actually making it and enjoying a 77 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,800 Speaker 3: family and a life together. And I knew that that 78 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,960 Speaker 3: was not true, because I have tons of those in 79 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 3: my own life and I've seen them through, you know, 80 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:04,880 Speaker 3: my journey, and I didn't happen to be in one 81 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,679 Speaker 3: at the time. I had a broken heart at the time, 82 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,279 Speaker 3: I was being neglected by someone that I was in 83 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,200 Speaker 3: love with, and it was over the holidays, which is 84 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:17,920 Speaker 3: never a good thing, and I needed something to do 85 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 3: honestly with my time. I had hit a wall, not 86 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 3: just in that relationship, but also financially. A lot of 87 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 3: work had dried up, and I hadn't recovered properly from 88 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:33,240 Speaker 3: the previous recession, and I was just in a really 89 00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:36,520 Speaker 3: bad place, really dark place. I didn't have a mom 90 00:05:36,839 --> 00:05:40,480 Speaker 3: because she had had a brain aneurysm and she had 91 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,600 Speaker 3: to be cared for, and we were separated, and then 92 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,400 Speaker 3: my dad had passed away, so I didn't have a 93 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,600 Speaker 3: support system, and I had moved about an hour outside 94 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,080 Speaker 3: of LA so that took me away from Hollywood, which 95 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,280 Speaker 3: is where a lot of my initial work and my 96 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,720 Speaker 3: friend groups were so as isolated that way as well. 97 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,680 Speaker 3: And then I'm in this thing that's not working and 98 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 3: I'm broken heart so out of that, I really just 99 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 3: wanted to encourage myself and give myself something to look 100 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:09,080 Speaker 3: forward to, something to look up to, something to aspire toward. 101 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,120 Speaker 3: And I figured I'll encourage myself and I'll bring everybody 102 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,679 Speaker 3: else along, and that's kind of how it was birthed. 103 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:20,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's beautiful, Yeah, it's so many beautiful things come 104 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:24,480 Speaker 2: sometimes out of heartbreak, heartbreak, yes, even good moms exactly. 105 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,160 Speaker 2: So if any listeners are having heartbreak or in a 106 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:31,919 Speaker 2: down place right now, you're listening for a good reason. 107 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:37,280 Speaker 2: You're listening to hear this and basically don't fret because 108 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,920 Speaker 2: good things come out of even things that seem bad 109 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:40,520 Speaker 2: in the moment. 110 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 3: And we are a testimony of that. Absolutely absolutely. Yes. 111 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:55,320 Speaker 2: So okay we well, Erica is in a relationship and 112 00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 2: we both. 113 00:06:56,640 --> 00:07:00,080 Speaker 3: Found boyfriends in quarantine at the same time. Basically, wow, 114 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 3: you do that well, I'll tell you dating apps help 115 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,960 Speaker 3: dating apps and help. And I'm so glad you're saying that, 116 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,159 Speaker 3: because I have all of these clients who keep coming 117 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 3: at me and they're like, howm's supposed to find love 118 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 3: in quarantine? And the first thing I say is dating apps? 119 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,440 Speaker 3: And I literally am like, you just took all the 120 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,640 Speaker 3: pressure off of going out and spending all this time 121 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 3: with somebody and not liking them. You can FaceTime, you 122 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,640 Speaker 3: can talk on the phone, you can zoom, you can 123 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 3: do all this stuff and there's no pressure of sex, 124 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,480 Speaker 3: and you can find out whether you actually like the person. Yeah, 125 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,360 Speaker 3: so it's it's actually great, it is. 126 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,480 Speaker 1: But what we did first before that, I mean, well 127 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,120 Speaker 1: we've been in and out of dating apps for a while, 128 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: but me and Jamila, you know. 129 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 3: We talk about our relationships a lot. 130 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,040 Speaker 1: We've you know, we've had our fair share of you know, 131 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:47,400 Speaker 1: situationships and shared that with our listeners as well. But 132 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,840 Speaker 1: there came a time where we wanted to We were like, 133 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: you know what, we need to like write exactly what. 134 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,000 Speaker 3: We need want down. We need to put it into 135 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:54,520 Speaker 3: the universe. 136 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 2: I need to ask God and Spirit and the universe 137 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 2: to deliver exactly what we want. 138 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 1: And so you know, my mom also really inspired this too, 139 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 1: Like when I was complaining to her about all my 140 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,880 Speaker 1: gripes with men, she was like, you know, you need 141 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 1: to write down exactly what you want. And the specific 142 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: thing that stuck with me that she said was don't 143 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 1: be modest, don't write shit down, thinking like someone might 144 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:20,480 Speaker 1: read this, like write every single shallow thing down, every 145 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 1: little thing, and then you know, which she did tell 146 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,480 Speaker 1: me every little thing, but like I could have even 147 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,679 Speaker 1: gone a little bit more detailed. 148 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,239 Speaker 3: I think we all could went a little more detailed. 149 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 1: It's so crazy because then you get it and then 150 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 1: it's like, oh, but I wasn't specific about that thing 151 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,480 Speaker 1: that I wanted and like what it looks like and 152 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,800 Speaker 1: how it shows up. But anyway, we happened to both 153 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 1: be on the dating apps and connect with two gentlemen 154 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,000 Speaker 1: that ended up kind of like sweeping us off our feet, 155 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 1: and we both entered into boyfriend girlfriend relationship labeled relationships. 156 00:08:52,920 --> 00:09:00,560 Speaker 3: In LA rather quickly, rather quickly, and by the way, 157 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 3: that's my experience with dating apps as well, is more 158 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:09,200 Speaker 3: successful with that in terms of dating and then getting 159 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:13,320 Speaker 3: into a relationship right away and having something completely committed 160 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 3: with no mess about titles, like just completely so again, 161 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:23,880 Speaker 3: I'm not saying any specific dating app but yeah, that's 162 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,160 Speaker 3: been my experience too, that you can be incredibly successful 163 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:26,480 Speaker 3: on them. 164 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:30,719 Speaker 2: I think that one thing I've learned, I mean, I'll 165 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,640 Speaker 2: be the first to say this is Mela. 166 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:38,680 Speaker 3: I have many Mannish tendencies, and I tend to relate 167 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:41,680 Speaker 3: with a masculine energy. 168 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,720 Speaker 2: I have very little expectation, and I'm like, you know, cool, 169 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:46,600 Speaker 2: If it works, it works. 170 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:47,840 Speaker 3: If it don't work, cool. 171 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 2: So even this past relationship, he asked me, well, with 172 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,800 Speaker 2: what are you looking for? And I was like, oh, well, nothing. 173 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:56,960 Speaker 2: If I don't know, He's like, are you looking for 174 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,520 Speaker 2: a boyfriend? Is when he asked me, and I said, 175 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:03,240 Speaker 2: not necessarily. If you are boyfriend material, sure, but if not, 176 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 2: that's fine too, and we can move past that. But 177 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:12,200 Speaker 2: I think what we both in writing out these these 178 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:17,480 Speaker 2: semi kind of detailed, very detailed manifestation lists and then 179 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:21,800 Speaker 2: ultimately manifesting them in the same time period I don't. 180 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,000 Speaker 3: Know how many months, was like eight, we need to 181 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:23,600 Speaker 3: look back at that. 182 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,240 Speaker 2: It was like very clear that it was there was 183 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 2: power in writing it down, there was power and putting 184 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,719 Speaker 2: it into the universe. But I don't think either one 185 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:35,199 Speaker 2: of us really took account whether or not, specifically me, 186 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 2: we were ready to receive what we were asking for, 187 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:43,440 Speaker 2: and whether or not we were putting out ourselves. You know, 188 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 2: we were asking for something, But was I putting out 189 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,080 Speaker 2: into the universe what I needed to do once that came, 190 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:50,080 Speaker 2: like when I prepared? 191 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,080 Speaker 3: Was I prepared for that? Yeah? That's it's interesting. You said, 192 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,960 Speaker 3: you know we were clear we needed to write it down. 193 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:59,560 Speaker 3: Scripture actually says, what is it write the vision down 194 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 3: and make it plane. I think that's what it says. 195 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,520 Speaker 3: I'm like, I had it in my head while you 196 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 3: were talking. Now I'm talking. And but the point is 197 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 3: scripture talks a lot about, yeah, writing down exactly what 198 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 3: it is that you want, making a plane, so that 199 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 3: if anybody were to read it, they would be able 200 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,880 Speaker 3: to read it, even though I know when these are 201 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,960 Speaker 3: secret desires and things, it's not necessarily for anybody else's eyes. 202 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:23,920 Speaker 3: And now that I've done all that, I forgot where 203 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 3: your question was. What was your question? No, it was 204 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,400 Speaker 3: more that it was more so that we did all 205 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:28,840 Speaker 3: this work. 206 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:33,959 Speaker 2: But yes, and I think that like oh, dating apps, 207 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,439 Speaker 2: you have to assume most of the time, and LA 208 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,480 Speaker 2: maybe not like seventy percent of the time, the guy 209 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,679 Speaker 2: on the other end also wants that, and so when 210 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,880 Speaker 2: it like it happens, it's like, oh, that's because this person. 211 00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:45,800 Speaker 3: Is also seeking this out. 212 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,240 Speaker 2: And that's why I think relationships when both parties are 213 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 2: really wanting that right, Yes, it's open it in the middle. 214 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 3: Eric is not us a writer. I think with what 215 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:04,680 Speaker 3: you were saying before, it was still progress. And by 216 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,280 Speaker 3: that what I mean is you don't have to know everything. 217 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:10,520 Speaker 3: You know what I mean In other words, every single 218 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,280 Speaker 3: room wasn't built in a day, but every single thing 219 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,480 Speaker 3: that happens, like you know, a journey of a thousand 220 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:18,520 Speaker 3: miles starts with one step. So what you guys did 221 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 3: was you were both in a situation you didn't want 222 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,080 Speaker 3: to be in single and you're like, I want to 223 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,319 Speaker 3: actually have some companionship. I'm going to take some action, 224 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,200 Speaker 3: and so you wrote things down, you got you sat 225 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,080 Speaker 3: advice from stage from your mama, and she gave you 226 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,200 Speaker 3: some wisdom. You actually put that into action, and so 227 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 3: this is all a process, it's all a part of 228 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 3: the work of making something happen. Then you call these 229 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,959 Speaker 3: two men in and it's like, whoa, I forgot a 230 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 3: couple steps. You didn't forget a couple of steps. This 231 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,520 Speaker 3: is part of the process. So there's nothing wrong with that. 232 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 3: It's just, oh, I guess if I'm going to ask 233 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,680 Speaker 3: for a guy who's fit, maybe I should work out too, 234 00:12:55,000 --> 00:13:01,320 Speaker 3: so something come alrighty? Then yeah, So it's like it's 235 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,680 Speaker 3: not and I'm saying it that way because I'm like, 236 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:07,439 Speaker 3: it's not a bad thing. It's just okay, add something 237 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,240 Speaker 3: else to the list. Now. Now that I got the 238 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,520 Speaker 3: guy who's very i don't know, fashion conscious, let me 239 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,880 Speaker 3: update my wardrobe, let me you know what I mean, 240 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,679 Speaker 3: so that we're actually compatible and we match. So it's 241 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,079 Speaker 3: not necessarily a bad thing that you know, And I 242 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,280 Speaker 3: wouldn't even say you forgot it. I would say with 243 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 3: a process. Anytime you start a process, like, for instance, 244 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,240 Speaker 3: if I were just about to get a PhD. Right, 245 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:32,960 Speaker 3: I'm gonna get on campus. I'm gonna prepare as much 246 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,200 Speaker 3: as I can before I get there. Once I get there, 247 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,160 Speaker 3: there's gonna be a whole host of stuff I would 248 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:38,719 Speaker 3: have never known to prepare for them. I'm going to 249 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,480 Speaker 3: you know, interact with once I get there. So I 250 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,880 Speaker 3: think that's what it is, and you know, kudos. You 251 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:48,959 Speaker 3: started the process keep going. Okay, so there's hope. Yeah. Also, 252 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:52,400 Speaker 3: I don't hope he change. I'm super optimistic, not a 253 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:56,959 Speaker 3: negative mel I'm a virgo. The day after Beyonce, I'm 254 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,200 Speaker 3: the fifth adventure base. 255 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:04,680 Speaker 2: Also, and with with saying that, and with your hope 256 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 2: and your love, like your high hopes and your positivity, 257 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:08,679 Speaker 2: which I love. 258 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,959 Speaker 3: I'm very I was hoping you say you're a cancer 259 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:11,200 Speaker 3: like me. 260 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 2: I think that we've all like I've come to the 261 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,880 Speaker 2: conclusion just like you said, when you started in the 262 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,600 Speaker 2: black marriage movement, you didn't see a lot of representation 263 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,120 Speaker 2: of what that looked like. There is an absence of 264 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,120 Speaker 2: like absence of black love representation, and that's why there's 265 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 2: the Black love movement, and there's the Black marriage you know, 266 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 2: the Black marriage movement, and there's like all these things 267 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 2: pressing this this agenda because we don't see it that often. 268 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,360 Speaker 3: And even for me and even I know for Eric, 269 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:37,960 Speaker 3: well not I mean even for me. 270 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:43,160 Speaker 2: The example in my household that I saw black love 271 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:47,120 Speaker 2: that my parents were married, they're still legally married. I 272 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 2: had them both my whole life, so it wasn't like 273 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,320 Speaker 2: one parent was absent or you know, like what made 274 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:56,200 Speaker 2: other people may think the black family looks like, but 275 00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:00,800 Speaker 2: within that there were issues and that was what I 276 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,880 Speaker 2: grew to think was normalcy. And then there's not a 277 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,720 Speaker 2: lot of places to ask, and there's not a lot of. 278 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:07,760 Speaker 3: Places to guide. 279 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 2: And so we asked some of our people it kind 280 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 2: of last a minute if they had any questions, and 281 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 2: so we want to give like the opportunity for you 282 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 2: to kind of. 283 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 3: Touch some of the questions. Yeah, it's like it's like 284 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,920 Speaker 3: I think one of them was which by the way, 285 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,640 Speaker 3: you know, I think there is an assumption if you 286 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,600 Speaker 3: grow up in a two parent home that it was 287 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,720 Speaker 3: shamed a lot. And no, it's just we're trying to 288 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,560 Speaker 3: get people actually into the home, and then once we're 289 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,120 Speaker 3: exactly it's just a totally different level of things that 290 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 3: still need to be worked out and that usually people 291 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 3: are not born with the skill sets for right and 292 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 3: and now I look at my parents and like how 293 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 3: fucked up they were. 294 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:50,200 Speaker 2: They didn't really have the answers, and so now I 295 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 2: don't really have the answers. But I'm finally because I'm 296 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,440 Speaker 2: not good at this realizing like maybe that affects how 297 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,880 Speaker 2: I love and how I'm in relationships and now as 298 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,800 Speaker 2: I'm thirty two year old woman with a child, and 299 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 2: I'm and I'm having to un you know and dig 300 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 2: that shit and kind of like and then you know, 301 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,120 Speaker 2: come to terms with how that affects me or how 302 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 2: it has affected me. 303 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:15,560 Speaker 3: So I just want to have this. 304 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,720 Speaker 2: Opportunity to open up the floor to the two people 305 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,040 Speaker 2: who ask questions. 306 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:26,280 Speaker 1: Okay, so we have a question from anonymous and it 307 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,760 Speaker 1: is if you have a huge communication block between husband 308 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:33,360 Speaker 1: and wife, what can they do to break that communication barrier. 309 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 3: That's a really good question. My first response is always 310 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:44,920 Speaker 3: seek counsel. Always. One of the things that I'm really 311 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 3: good at is, uh, I'm a couples whisper, so I 312 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 3: can listen to the way that a couple fights, and 313 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,680 Speaker 3: I can usually hear what their dynamic is, what the 314 00:16:56,720 --> 00:17:00,520 Speaker 3: difficulties are, and what's actually happening. A lot of what 315 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,399 Speaker 3: happens with conflict falls into a couple of different categories. 316 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,399 Speaker 3: One would be the mask one feminine, which I'll get 317 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:12,000 Speaker 3: into in just a moment. Another would be they're not 318 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:17,160 Speaker 3: actually it's style, but okay, so finish your Since they're 319 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:21,560 Speaker 3: not actually arguing their points, they're arguing about the way 320 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:26,159 Speaker 3: that they speak, and so it's like their argument is 321 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,800 Speaker 3: all up here and the issue is down here, and 322 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,359 Speaker 3: they never get to the issue. So and if they 323 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,040 Speaker 3: do get to the issue, there's so much noise around 324 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:37,159 Speaker 3: the issue. It's not a clean communication. So and a 325 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 3: lot of people have no idea that they're doing this. 326 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:44,000 Speaker 3: One example of that would be he never takes out 327 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,719 Speaker 3: the trash, and she's sick and tired of it, and 328 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,719 Speaker 3: she's told him twenty times and he doesn't do it, 329 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,919 Speaker 3: and so she's like, you know, they come to me 330 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,800 Speaker 3: and they're like She's like, oh, I've told him, And 331 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,880 Speaker 3: I'm like, we'll have you asked him? Well, I've asked 332 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,120 Speaker 3: him twenty thousand different times, and I'm like, okay, tell 333 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:00,000 Speaker 3: me typically like the last time you asked him to 334 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,120 Speaker 3: take out the trash, tell me exactly what you said. 335 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,600 Speaker 3: And she's like, Babe, I'm sick and tired of blah 336 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,359 Speaker 3: blah blah. You never do this, you never do that, 337 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,679 Speaker 3: and why do I always have to do this? And 338 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:11,880 Speaker 3: I'm like, you didn't ask him, you never asked him, 339 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,399 Speaker 3: you complained, you told him what he doesn't do, You 340 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 3: told him what you don't appreciate and how many times 341 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 3: and how many times he's not listening to you? And 342 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:23,480 Speaker 3: if I were to communicate a need that I had 343 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,760 Speaker 3: from you in that manner, how likely would you be 344 00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 3: to reciprocate thank you? Or even if you took the 345 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 3: trash out. You kind of hate me for the way 346 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:38,960 Speaker 3: that I communicate because I'm not giving you the benefit 347 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,160 Speaker 3: of the doubt. I'm not acknowledging anything that you do 348 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,840 Speaker 3: for me. I'm not appreciating you. And in addition to that, 349 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,800 Speaker 3: I'm complaining. Nobody wants to hear complaining. It's one of 350 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,679 Speaker 3: the things that kills relationships, and everyone feels entitled to it. 351 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,840 Speaker 3: So part of what I do in my work is 352 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,760 Speaker 3: I teach couples how to argue in a way that 353 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,919 Speaker 3: your spouse can actually hear you. Because ninety percent of 354 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:06,480 Speaker 3: communication is not verbal. So ten percent of communication is 355 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,359 Speaker 3: what you're actually saying, ninety is how you say it. 356 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,040 Speaker 3: But most people don't pay any attention to your delivery. 357 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 3: And yeah, body language, yes, your body language, energy, tones 358 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,919 Speaker 3: of voice, gestures, facial expressions, all of that. You know, 359 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,760 Speaker 3: even body gestures. 360 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,240 Speaker 1: Yes, No, I relate to that because now being in 361 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:29,760 Speaker 1: relationship with someone who is he's very sensitive and he's emotional, 362 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:30,880 Speaker 1: and you know, and. 363 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 3: Men are more sensitive on the inside than women. 364 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, I believe that, and so and I'm sensitive too, 365 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,640 Speaker 1: and I believe that we both are empaths, and. 366 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,479 Speaker 3: So we can really feel energy. 367 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,960 Speaker 1: So like when his energy shifts just the slightest, I'm like, 368 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:44,560 Speaker 1: what's going on? 369 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,200 Speaker 3: And then I'm like, why are you evading my energy? 370 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,959 Speaker 1: I was fine, and now you're bringing this energy and 371 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:53,200 Speaker 1: I'm like, what's happening here? And like and like that 372 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:58,239 Speaker 1: on top of like facial expressions and so that by 373 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 1: the time we're actually talking about what the actual issue is, 374 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:05,760 Speaker 1: there's been all these other things and you've yeah, and 375 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:06,320 Speaker 1: you don't. 376 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:09,000 Speaker 3: Like it anymore, Like I'm done, You'll give me a 377 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:12,240 Speaker 3: glass of wine. I'm done. Yeah, that's what happens. It's 378 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:13,680 Speaker 3: so true. It's so true. 379 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,840 Speaker 1: And yeah, it's actually funny because we had an argument 380 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 1: the other day and like he said something that I 381 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,200 Speaker 1: thought was really rude and I and in the moment, 382 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,840 Speaker 1: I was like, let's rewind. You just said something that 383 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,159 Speaker 1: really hurt my feelings. And he'said, well, I didn't mean 384 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:27,720 Speaker 1: it like that. I actually meant it. This way, and 385 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,160 Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, but you said it like this, 386 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,400 Speaker 1: So therefore now I can't even hear what you said 387 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:35,280 Speaker 1: anymore because all I'm thinking about is what you said, 388 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,560 Speaker 1: but what you didn't mean. But now I'm thinking that's 389 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:40,160 Speaker 1: what you actually said. And it's like, I mean, part 390 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,679 Speaker 1: of it's my fault too, because I just like you 391 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,640 Speaker 1: got it. I couldn't let it go. Yeah, yeah, that's 392 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:44,119 Speaker 1: got you. 393 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,119 Speaker 3: Do you listen when I interview married couples who have 394 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:52,159 Speaker 3: been married for twenty thirty forty years, and forgiveness is 395 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,280 Speaker 3: right on the docket, And I mean they will say 396 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,840 Speaker 3: we forgive each other every single day because if you nitpick, 397 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,640 Speaker 3: y'all ain't gonna make it because there are a thousand 398 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 3: things to be offended about every single day. So that 399 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,560 Speaker 3: is that is definitely in there, and that goes along 400 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:10,639 Speaker 3: with you know, I I'm preferential to scripture, so the 401 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:15,680 Speaker 3: love scriptures are my favorite. One Corinthians thirteen in the 402 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,919 Speaker 3: amplified version, verses four through eight, where it's you know, 403 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,640 Speaker 3: love is patient, love is kind, Love is not self seeking. 404 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 3: Love always believes the best of the other person at 405 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:27,359 Speaker 3: all times. You know, it's not prideful it's not arrogant, 406 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,119 Speaker 3: it's not puffed up, you know, all these different things, 407 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:33,000 Speaker 3: and it's like, that's what it looks like in action. 408 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 3: And so love always forgives, love always believes the best 409 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:40,360 Speaker 3: of him, and even when you're fighting. There's another scripture 410 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,119 Speaker 3: that says, basically, you know, don't let the sun go 411 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,359 Speaker 3: down on your anger. And if you study that scientifically, 412 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,600 Speaker 3: which you know, I have mentors on both sides. I 413 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,119 Speaker 3: have like religious mentors and then I have like totally 414 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,360 Speaker 3: biological all science mentors. And it's funny because the scripture 415 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,760 Speaker 3: and the science matches up. But if you if you 416 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:02,120 Speaker 3: do not handle an resolve your conflicts in that day, 417 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:07,680 Speaker 3: when you go to sleep, your your your I'm gonna 418 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,159 Speaker 3: say in the Olympic system, but I don't even know 419 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,760 Speaker 3: if that's accurate. So I don't want to say that 420 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,639 Speaker 3: your brain is going to want to erase for the 421 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:18,080 Speaker 3: purpose of storing information for the next day whatever was 422 00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:21,359 Speaker 3: not resolved. So then when you come to me tomorrow 423 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,399 Speaker 3: and you're trying to deal with it, I don't even 424 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,440 Speaker 3: really I can't really connect with it in the same 425 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,679 Speaker 3: way because your brain is trying to do like a 426 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:31,920 Speaker 3: fresh wash every evening. So you should be resolving conflict 427 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,280 Speaker 3: that day if you are, yes, you really believe that yes, 428 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:38,800 Speaker 3: I do, I do, and I do I believe both. 429 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,760 Speaker 3: I just told you the science. Are you? 430 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:41,680 Speaker 4: Are you shared? 431 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,400 Speaker 3: Are you shared? I'm positive you should resolve it that day. 432 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,920 Speaker 3: That's first of all, did not I don't know. I 433 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,440 Speaker 3: think you should resolve it that day. If you cannot 434 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,400 Speaker 3: resolve it that day, you need to do it as 435 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:57,520 Speaker 3: close to that day as possible because new issues are 436 00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:01,200 Speaker 3: constantly coming up, and you also get in a danger 437 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,960 Speaker 3: a lot of times with people who are like not 438 00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:06,240 Speaker 3: wanting to go through the past, et cetera. But there's 439 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:09,560 Speaker 3: a really good skill set from doctors Less and Leslie Perrot, 440 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:12,680 Speaker 3: who are a marriage and family therapists who are also 441 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:17,840 Speaker 3: professors who lead this really popular class on relationships at 442 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:21,160 Speaker 3: Seattle University, and they've been in the business forever and 443 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 3: they have this tool that they use with relationships called withholds. 444 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,600 Speaker 3: And so what happens is if you don't get it 445 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:32,160 Speaker 3: handled that day, say you know, a week is gone by, 446 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,720 Speaker 3: life is happening. And a couple of things annoyed me, 447 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,720 Speaker 3: But I didn't really get the opportunity to talk about it. 448 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:40,240 Speaker 3: You just go, babe, I'd love to share some with holds. 449 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,080 Speaker 3: Do you have some time? You always make an appointment, 450 00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:45,560 Speaker 3: particularly with a man, particularly with a masculine man, which 451 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,720 Speaker 3: is the other thing. While I'm over here, I'm coming 452 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,600 Speaker 3: back to where I was at first, and I said, 453 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,959 Speaker 3: there were two different things. The first one was if 454 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,120 Speaker 3: they're arguing, you know, up here, and it's all about 455 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,919 Speaker 3: the language et cetera, or the body language and all 456 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:01,920 Speaker 3: these different things. The second thing that typic happens when people, 457 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,200 Speaker 3: when couples are arguing a lot, is it's energy based. 458 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:09,640 Speaker 3: So that takes more of an explanation. But basically, romantic 459 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,639 Speaker 3: relationships aren't like any other relationship. They're based on a 460 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:16,560 Speaker 3: magnet because they're based on attraction, right, exactly, the polarity factor. 461 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:20,720 Speaker 3: There you go, so there you go. So because of that, 462 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,560 Speaker 3: there must be a masculine and a feminine in every 463 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:29,000 Speaker 3: romantic relationship. Other relationships doesn't matter, but romantic it has 464 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:32,840 Speaker 3: nothing to do with gender. And yeah, so romantically there 465 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:34,800 Speaker 3: must be a masculine and a feminine, which is why 466 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,639 Speaker 3: I didn't say a male and a female, because the 467 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,840 Speaker 3: reality is you have two men. You can have two women. 468 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 3: You can have one man one woman, but there must 469 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,520 Speaker 3: be opposites in order for there to be attraction. If 470 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:48,000 Speaker 3: you have two men and two women, the rules stay 471 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,800 Speaker 3: the same, which is so easy to remember, which is 472 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,960 Speaker 3: they must pick. There got to be a top and 473 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,080 Speaker 3: a bottom. There has to be a feminine butch. You 474 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:59,720 Speaker 3: have to because somebody has to be respected and someone 475 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,159 Speaker 3: has to be cherished in order for you all to 476 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:08,760 Speaker 3: operate romantically where there's an attraction, So where couples mess 477 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:13,080 Speaker 3: up a lot with their language. Is how to explain this. 478 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,400 Speaker 3: There are ten points in every relationship. Okay, five points 479 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:19,360 Speaker 3: for the masculine, five points for the feminine. The masculine. 480 00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:21,520 Speaker 3: Whoever decides that they want to be the masculine is 481 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:24,439 Speaker 3: going to be respected just by virtual showing up. The 482 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:27,360 Speaker 3: feminine is going to be cherished just by virtuous showing up. 483 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,760 Speaker 3: That affects your language, because what you're going to respect 484 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:34,359 Speaker 3: in the masculine is the thinking. What you're gonna what 485 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,840 Speaker 3: you're going to adore and cherish in the feminine is 486 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:42,160 Speaker 3: her feelings. And so when I show up and first 487 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 3: of all make an appointment with you, because I'm going 488 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,359 Speaker 3: into a different part of your a different part of 489 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,959 Speaker 3: your brain in order to teach, preach, bitch, mung, complain, 490 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:51,760 Speaker 3: whatever it is. 491 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,199 Speaker 1: But I just feel like sometimes when you make an 492 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,879 Speaker 1: appointment with a nigga, maybe thinking they're in trouble okay, 493 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,000 Speaker 1: and then they get like absolutely and then they be like, 494 00:25:59,000 --> 00:25:59,840 Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm in trouble. 495 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,359 Speaker 3: Said, I'm so glad you said that. If he is, 496 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:06,680 Speaker 3: If he is anxiously attached, you are absolutely right. He 497 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:09,520 Speaker 3: wants to go do anything other than then be there 498 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:12,120 Speaker 3: for that conversation, so you're right and find out if 499 00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:14,959 Speaker 3: you have that caveat to an appointment. So the first 500 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,560 Speaker 3: is make an appointment just so he knows you respect him. 501 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:20,400 Speaker 3: If you do this and you discover that your particular 502 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,440 Speaker 3: negro happens to be anxiously attached and that doesn't work, 503 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,679 Speaker 3: then you gotta check them. So the way you do 504 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:27,720 Speaker 3: that is you just do yeah. So here's how you 505 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:38,440 Speaker 3: trick them. No disrespect, yeah no no no no, I'm 506 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,680 Speaker 3: gonna teach you how to love them. So the way 507 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:44,120 Speaker 3: you do it is, yeah, if he's anxiously attached, then 508 00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:46,400 Speaker 3: what you do is you invite him to do something 509 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:49,159 Speaker 3: that he already likes to do. So if that's dinner, 510 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,280 Speaker 3: you make him in his favorite meal. If if he's 511 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,480 Speaker 3: a sports fan, and invite him down to his favorite 512 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:56,920 Speaker 3: sports bar, and you guys enjoy yourself for half the date. 513 00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,760 Speaker 3: Which is funny because I actually got that from He'll 514 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:01,840 Speaker 3: Heart and it's the same as my theory. But basically, 515 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:05,800 Speaker 3: you're gonna get him into a comfortable environment because you 516 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,879 Speaker 3: have to have your meeting, so you're what you're asking 517 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,640 Speaker 3: him to do is something that he's going to do 518 00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:15,240 Speaker 3: versus something that he would run from, like, yeah, so 519 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,280 Speaker 3: know your audience. So if he's like that, then you 520 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:19,840 Speaker 3: invite him in to do something that you want to do. 521 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:22,000 Speaker 3: If you take him to a sports bar, then you 522 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,639 Speaker 3: watch the first half, you order your wings, you know, 523 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,800 Speaker 3: you order a couple of beers, whatever, have a shot, 524 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,919 Speaker 3: whatever you want to do, and then during halftime, not 525 00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:34,480 Speaker 3: during the game, which is don't interrupt his name, do 526 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,320 Speaker 3: not because y'all be And this is that's symptomatic of 527 00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:40,639 Speaker 3: the first style. Perfect example, you come in, he's watching 528 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,920 Speaker 3: the game, you interrupt the game, or you take him out, 529 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,040 Speaker 3: you do all of this, but you start talking to 530 00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:48,159 Speaker 3: him during the game. He doesn't listen, and you go 531 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,439 Speaker 3: it doesn't work. No, I didn't tell you to interrupt 532 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:53,040 Speaker 3: the game. He's not going to listen now, and you're 533 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:57,600 Speaker 3: disrespectful for interrupting his game with your communication. So I 534 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:01,359 Speaker 3: don't advise that you wait for halftime. He's nice, he's fool, 535 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 3: he's saucy. And then you go yes, and then you go, so, babe, 536 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:07,840 Speaker 3: there's something I wanted to talk to you about. Oh 537 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:13,159 Speaker 3: god him? Then he exactly, you're there. Hey, if you 538 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,399 Speaker 3: didn't run, I wouldn't have to set you up. But 539 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:17,479 Speaker 3: since you run, I gotta do what I gotta do. 540 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:20,560 Speaker 3: So that's how you do it. But yes, you you 541 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:25,680 Speaker 3: with the women the man, it's the man's responsibility, or 542 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:29,240 Speaker 3: rather it's the masculines responsibility to cherish the feelings of 543 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,320 Speaker 3: his woman. So a woman is allowed to feel anything 544 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,840 Speaker 3: about anything and to share those feelings with her man. 545 00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:37,800 Speaker 3: And if he is her man and he wants to 546 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:41,360 Speaker 3: stay her man, his job is to ask her what 547 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,200 Speaker 3: can I do to help you feel better? Because his 548 00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:46,680 Speaker 3: job is to cherish her feelings. Where men are going 549 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,480 Speaker 3: wrong as they're not cherishing women's feelings, a woman is 550 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:51,880 Speaker 3: sharing her feelings. I'm uncomfortable about this. I don't like 551 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:53,480 Speaker 3: the way you do this. There's a woman who da 552 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,920 Speaker 3: da dada, and I'm not comfortable with that whatever, and 553 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:57,840 Speaker 3: she shares it with them and he goes, what do 554 00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:00,960 Speaker 3: you want me to do? Or he's like, he dismisses, 555 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:04,000 Speaker 3: he minimizes, he attacks. The number one thing that he 556 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,960 Speaker 3: does though, is and this is where he's actually going 557 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:11,040 Speaker 3: competitive feminine is He says, well, I'm upset about the 558 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,720 Speaker 3: fact that you have those feelings. What he didn't do 559 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:16,719 Speaker 3: is address her feelings in a way that makes her 560 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,520 Speaker 3: feel safe, feeling like, Okay, I can share, and I 561 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:22,040 Speaker 3: have a partner who supports me, and I have a 562 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,000 Speaker 3: partner who loves me, and I'm a partner who is 563 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:26,880 Speaker 3: concerned with the way that I feel, so I feel loved. 564 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:30,000 Speaker 3: If a woman does not feel cherished, rather, if a 565 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:34,320 Speaker 3: feminine energy person does not feel cherished, they do not 566 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,720 Speaker 3: feel loved. If they are not loved, they are going 567 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:41,000 Speaker 3: to leave, cheat, or act up. And it's the same 568 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,560 Speaker 3: with the masculine. If you do not respect your man, 569 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:48,200 Speaker 3: which we are in a consummately disrespectful culture that embraces 570 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:52,160 Speaker 3: disrespect across the boards of men, no matter the race, 571 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:54,880 Speaker 3: the color of the age, or whatever, and so it's 572 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:56,560 Speaker 3: in the culture. So do you mean like women not 573 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:59,200 Speaker 3: respecting men all day long? Hmm, all day long. Women 574 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:00,920 Speaker 3: don't even know what it means means to respect a man. 575 00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:03,640 Speaker 1: In what way do you feel like us as black 576 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,520 Speaker 1: women disrespect men, rolling your eyes, putting your fingers in 577 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:15,880 Speaker 1: his face, raising your voice at him, checking him. 578 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:16,520 Speaker 3: Checking him, Never ever ever check your man. You don't 579 00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:20,920 Speaker 3: have to. What's really interesting about the feminist movement. It 580 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,440 Speaker 3: was great in certain ways, and it's horrible in other ways. 581 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:26,680 Speaker 3: The ways that it's great is clearly equal play. Being 582 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,600 Speaker 3: able to get a job, being able to get a mortgage, 583 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:29,920 Speaker 3: being able to rin a house in your name or 584 00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:32,400 Speaker 3: a credit card in your name, those types of things, absolutely, 585 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:35,760 Speaker 3: But and the advances in the workplace. But so many 586 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:37,400 Speaker 3: of us got so strong and all of those other 587 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 3: things that we take that strong energy and then we 588 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,120 Speaker 3: direct it at our men, and they can't take it, 589 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:46,920 Speaker 3: and it is very, very disrespectful. They are more emotional 590 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:48,480 Speaker 3: on the inside. And then what do we do when 591 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:50,600 Speaker 3: we find that out? We call them weak and pathetic 592 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:54,560 Speaker 3: and beta's and simps, and we disrespect them verbally and vocally, 593 00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:59,360 Speaker 3: and we blame anything that is actually their heart on ego, 594 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:02,880 Speaker 3: So you don't have to meet those needs. We dismiss them, 595 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:07,720 Speaker 3: we're very dismissive. Rather, then you're all ain't going to 596 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:11,360 Speaker 3: like this, but in some cases coddling. But really, what 597 00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,640 Speaker 3: you're doing is ministering to a man's needs, minister to 598 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:17,360 Speaker 3: his heart. You applaud him, you encourage him, you speak 599 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,760 Speaker 3: life into him. You speak softly to him. And not 600 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:24,720 Speaker 3: because there's something pathetic and incapable about you, but because 601 00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:27,600 Speaker 3: when you speak softly to a man, you are able 602 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,920 Speaker 3: to calm his central nervous system, and you're able to 603 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:33,960 Speaker 3: communicate things that you can't in any other way. And 604 00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:37,760 Speaker 3: you remind him. She needs me, she needs me to 605 00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:45,520 Speaker 3: do that for her testing one too. 606 00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:50,480 Speaker 1: Oh Okay, I'm triggered because I just don't the idea 607 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:51,160 Speaker 1: of it. 608 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:55,360 Speaker 3: I don't like the word. 609 00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:59,640 Speaker 1: I spend so much time needing a man that like 610 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,640 Speaker 1: I to unlearn all these things that like. It's not 611 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:06,640 Speaker 1: that I don't need my man. He has enhanced my 612 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:07,680 Speaker 1: life in many ways. 613 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:08,240 Speaker 3: He has. 614 00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:11,320 Speaker 1: I have taken some of his advice, some of his advice, 615 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:17,000 Speaker 1: but and he always tells me, like the I know 616 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:17,680 Speaker 1: that you don't need me. 617 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:19,920 Speaker 3: And I love that about you, but I don't believe 618 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,440 Speaker 3: him all the way. Kind of. I think men feel 619 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:23,720 Speaker 3: like they're supposed to say that to women. 620 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,840 Speaker 1: They want to be eaten that they've been trained to 621 00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:29,160 Speaker 1: say that to women because they know that that's like, 622 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:32,520 Speaker 1: it's part of the women's programming which makes them comfortable. 623 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:34,840 Speaker 3: To you, men do everything for women, every single thing 624 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:37,960 Speaker 3: they do. They're everything they do, their motivation for everything 625 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:40,880 Speaker 3: is for women. Women too, I'm not saying we don't. 626 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:42,600 Speaker 3: But we were talking about the men. 627 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:47,160 Speaker 2: So I get around my girlfriends and like all we 628 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:48,720 Speaker 2: talk about is niggas. 629 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:54,120 Speaker 3: That's sub al the wide world. But he said, but 630 00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:56,200 Speaker 3: you said, okay, because I want to I want to 631 00:32:56,200 --> 00:33:00,880 Speaker 3: address both. But you said, basically, you used to need 632 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:04,880 Speaker 3: your man and do everything for him, and you had 633 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:08,120 Speaker 3: to recover from that. I'm glad that you said that, 634 00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:11,200 Speaker 3: because that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not saying 635 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:15,240 Speaker 3: do everything for your man. I am saying need him, 636 00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:18,680 Speaker 3: you better need him. I'm not saying do everything for him. 637 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:23,040 Speaker 3: In fact, doing everything for him is mothering him, and 638 00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:26,040 Speaker 3: uh M O M equals M A N. It is 639 00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:29,160 Speaker 3: the job of every healthy masculine man to get away 640 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,840 Speaker 3: from his mom. So I wouldn't tell you to do that. 641 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:39,080 Speaker 3: In addition to that, the recovery probably came because you 642 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:43,400 Speaker 3: revol you made your whole world revolve around him. Correct. Yeah, 643 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:49,280 Speaker 3: I'm not teaching that either. So it's the definitive kind 644 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:57,760 Speaker 3: of it's the intricacies of what I'm preaching and teaching detail, 645 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:03,280 Speaker 3: and and and and really it's the pendulum swing of Notice, 646 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:05,120 Speaker 3: I said need a man, and she's like, I needed 647 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,080 Speaker 3: a man and I did everything, And I'm like, well 648 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:12,160 Speaker 3: that's a bust. That's exactly so there must be a balance. 649 00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:16,480 Speaker 3: But also you have to understand your man, but also 650 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:21,080 Speaker 3: how masculinity works, how femininity works, which one you're going 651 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:24,240 Speaker 3: to be, and then play your part and that itches 652 00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:26,920 Speaker 3: people so badly. But it's the reason why our grandmothers 653 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:29,640 Speaker 3: are still married, and there's a whole generation after them 654 00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:32,480 Speaker 3: that are not. But are they happy? Mine is, she's 655 00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:36,080 Speaker 3: been married for seventy years this year. They're deliciously in 656 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:39,520 Speaker 3: love with each other. They're adorable. They're still like telling 657 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:42,120 Speaker 3: all the cracking jokes on each other. And this is 658 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:43,000 Speaker 3: all I'm saying. 659 00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:48,520 Speaker 1: So you do believe that there are roles assigned to 660 00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:50,640 Speaker 1: female and male energy. 661 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,239 Speaker 3: I believe that there are roles that if you don't 662 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:57,399 Speaker 3: understand and you don't get with the program, that are 663 00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:01,960 Speaker 3: going to either have you competing, challenging, bumping each other out, 664 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:05,880 Speaker 3: fighting each other off. Because your energy is going to bump, 665 00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:10,680 Speaker 3: you will either dance waltz together or you're gonna slam 666 00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,839 Speaker 3: dance and you're not gonna understand why. And much of 667 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:16,279 Speaker 3: that is found when I listen to the way the 668 00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:20,640 Speaker 3: couples argue, no, I agree. I agree with that, and 669 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:25,360 Speaker 3: I know it shocks every single ounce of our feminine sensibilities, 670 00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:29,279 Speaker 3: but it's a reality. Men and women are different. Masculine 671 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:33,160 Speaker 3: and feminine are different. And if you are a feminine 672 00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:35,759 Speaker 3: and you want to be the cherished person in your relationship, 673 00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:38,000 Speaker 3: and that means that you want to have him cherish 674 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:40,680 Speaker 3: your feelings, then you have to find a man who 675 00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:43,120 Speaker 3: actually wants to play that role. And that's part of 676 00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:46,799 Speaker 3: it too. Women aren't having the conversation do you want 677 00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:47,759 Speaker 3: to wear the pants? Are not? 678 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 2: I think my biggest thing is, like I am, I 679 00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:53,600 Speaker 2: have super feminine energy. 680 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:57,400 Speaker 3: And I really want to I do want to need somebody. 681 00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:59,879 Speaker 2: In fact, I tell Eric all the time I want 682 00:35:59,920 --> 00:36:01,560 Speaker 2: to be picked up like a baby and carried. 683 00:36:02,239 --> 00:36:05,719 Speaker 3: Okay, now here's what's so wonderful about that. No, and 684 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,680 Speaker 3: I love that. That's a really vulnerable thing for you 685 00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:10,040 Speaker 3: to admit, right, And a lot of women will if 686 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:12,600 Speaker 3: they're telling the truth. The rest of them, Lie, I 687 00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:14,800 Speaker 3: don't need that, Yes you do. There's nothing wrong with affection. 688 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:18,960 Speaker 3: It's okay what you just described. But hers isn't about affection. 689 00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:20,240 Speaker 3: Hers is like save. 690 00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:22,840 Speaker 1: Me, so I don't have to deal with everything, and 691 00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:26,600 Speaker 1: we'll get there and we'll figure everything out and we'll 692 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:26,880 Speaker 1: get there. 693 00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:28,560 Speaker 3: But I just want to dress that point. I just 694 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:31,520 Speaker 3: want to address that point because I think it's really important. 695 00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:33,759 Speaker 3: You just said pick me up and coddle me like 696 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:41,960 Speaker 3: I'm a baby. Right, that's coddling. So it's interesting. But 697 00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:45,360 Speaker 3: you don't want to coddle someone else. And I just 698 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:48,440 Speaker 3: told you that men are more sensitive on the inside 699 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:51,920 Speaker 3: than women are, and they need to be coddled too. 700 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,280 Speaker 3: And so it's like will when we hear our side 701 00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:56,960 Speaker 3: of the story, we want to be babied. We want 702 00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,200 Speaker 3: to be romance. We want flowers and gifts and candy 703 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,160 Speaker 3: and rubs, and we want all kinds of tenderness and 704 00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:05,640 Speaker 3: affection and attention, et cetera. And all of that is fine. 705 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:07,839 Speaker 3: I advocate for it. But when I say that a 706 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:11,400 Speaker 3: man needs to be coddled, all of a sudden, we're repulsed. 707 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:13,879 Speaker 3: And so to me, it's like, why not just give 708 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,879 Speaker 3: him what he needs so he can give you what 709 00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:20,440 Speaker 3: you need to without judging what he needs, so he 710 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:23,440 Speaker 3: doesn't judge what you need, and then everybody's just happy. 711 00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:26,279 Speaker 2: I think the problem is and I can I think 712 00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:27,799 Speaker 2: I can speak for both of us when I say, 713 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:31,560 Speaker 2: we have been there, okay, and we have done that okay, 714 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:35,759 Speaker 2: and it got us backwards right, and he got us 715 00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:38,520 Speaker 2: not happy and so and I also think, like I 716 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:41,960 Speaker 2: think that it's hard with the feminine and the masculine energy. 717 00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,120 Speaker 2: It's important that we read up on this and kind 718 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:47,360 Speaker 2: of identify it before you've said that. I recently was 719 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:50,680 Speaker 2: reading and it kind of made sense. And I lie 720 00:37:50,719 --> 00:37:54,080 Speaker 2: to myself and what I project is not necessarily what 721 00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:55,719 Speaker 2: I feel intimately. 722 00:37:56,200 --> 00:38:01,120 Speaker 3: And I've realized that I am needy and that's okay, 723 00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:03,400 Speaker 3: but not really. But like in the world how I 724 00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:04,080 Speaker 3: present like it's. 725 00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:06,360 Speaker 2: Almost like a sun sign and a moon sign, but 726 00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:09,680 Speaker 2: in my my masculine man, and my feminine is that 727 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,160 Speaker 2: I feel like I put out a lot of masculine energy. 728 00:38:12,239 --> 00:38:16,040 Speaker 3: You've said that in general, yes, but you're also basically 729 00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:18,480 Speaker 3: telling me that I know inside that's not who you are. 730 00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:21,719 Speaker 3: But I know that's I don't get your protection. I 731 00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:23,560 Speaker 3: was gonna say, I don't think it's confusing at all. 732 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:27,680 Speaker 3: I think that it's absolute. Sarah literally like, so. 733 00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:31,279 Speaker 1: I've never really seen Jamila in like break up, like desperation, 734 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:35,880 Speaker 1: and I've recently seen it as decided of her. 735 00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:37,120 Speaker 3: I've never really seen before. 736 00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,160 Speaker 1: And I was like, wait, what who is this bitch 737 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,719 Speaker 1: who says she's a masculine editor? Who is this masculine 738 00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:43,839 Speaker 1: person she claims to be. That's like, fuck, all these 739 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:45,640 Speaker 1: niggas try to play me and it's that. 740 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:47,719 Speaker 3: And meanwhile she's like does he call me? Is he 741 00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:49,279 Speaker 3: calling me? Should I just show U? I'm gonna show 742 00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:50,919 Speaker 3: at his house. It's his birthday. I'm gonna shove naked. 743 00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:52,680 Speaker 3: Should I do it? We're not together, but I'm gonna 744 00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:54,200 Speaker 3: do it. I'm gonna show him. But I am wifey 745 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,000 Speaker 3: of the Year and I'm gonna I'm like, girl, what 746 00:38:56,080 --> 00:39:01,239 Speaker 3: who is that? I'm gonna chill out the masculine or 747 00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:04,960 Speaker 3: wait wait wait, or that's who she is and then 748 00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:08,839 Speaker 3: that's no, and that's fine. So then my point is, 749 00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:12,640 Speaker 3: I'm not lying, Like my point is, I'm not lying 750 00:39:12,719 --> 00:39:17,040 Speaker 3: about that, Like I'm it's okay that you want a man, 751 00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:19,440 Speaker 3: that you need a man, that it is something that 752 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,759 Speaker 3: you see that is valuable in your life, and that 753 00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:24,279 Speaker 3: you value it to such an extent that if it 754 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:28,480 Speaker 3: is ever in danger of going away, you want to 755 00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:30,680 Speaker 3: do whatever you can to try to hold on to it. 756 00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:33,960 Speaker 3: That's not there's nothing desperate about that, or maybe we 757 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,080 Speaker 3: call it desperate and we just get comfortable with the word. 758 00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:40,120 Speaker 3: My point being, you value a relationship and you're not 759 00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,279 Speaker 3: going to pretend to be cool or to have no 760 00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:46,640 Speaker 3: emotions just to watch the best thing in your life 761 00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:49,279 Speaker 3: walk out of your life and pretend like it's not that. 762 00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:52,720 Speaker 3: I can't pretend. I don't pretend. That's all I'm saying, 763 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:56,960 Speaker 3: get crazy? So what's the problem? So then why not? 764 00:39:57,280 --> 00:39:59,080 Speaker 3: So then why not just tell the truth about that 765 00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:00,319 Speaker 3: and say it is I am. 766 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:02,239 Speaker 2: I have no problem saying I'm not too crazy because 767 00:40:02,239 --> 00:40:04,839 Speaker 2: I'm stalking someone and I'm desperate. 768 00:40:04,719 --> 00:40:08,080 Speaker 3: Right now, I'm not going to encourage you to stalk, 769 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:10,880 Speaker 3: any I didn't. I just talked about it. I didn't 770 00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:14,640 Speaker 3: really stalk, but but I am talking about the feelings. 771 00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:21,160 Speaker 2: You know, I don't mind talking like yeah, what, No, 772 00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:23,880 Speaker 2: I think I don't mind. 773 00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:27,960 Speaker 3: But i'd be friend. Yeah, I'd be friend. That's okay. 774 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:32,080 Speaker 3: Feminine women have feelings and they are feeling centered and 775 00:40:32,239 --> 00:40:34,239 Speaker 3: when they are honest with themselves and they are not 776 00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:38,600 Speaker 3: in a damaged or a protective state because of previous trauma, 777 00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:41,960 Speaker 3: they embrace that. And I encourage women to embrace it 778 00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:44,279 Speaker 3: because I know the power that comes from that. It's 779 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:47,480 Speaker 3: not weakness. Vulnerability is not weakness. Falling in love is 780 00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:50,400 Speaker 3: not weakness. It makes you brilliant. It doesn't make you stupid. 781 00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,680 Speaker 3: It literally makes you more aware of what you need, 782 00:40:53,719 --> 00:40:56,719 Speaker 3: what works for you, so you can make empowered decisions. 783 00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:58,920 Speaker 3: And I think where you were saying before, both of 784 00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:00,960 Speaker 3: us have been in relationships where we've done that before, 785 00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,319 Speaker 3: where basically you respected the man and you were open 786 00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:05,560 Speaker 3: with your feelings, et cetera. That doesn't mean you had 787 00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:08,040 Speaker 3: all the other all the other traits and skill sets 788 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:10,600 Speaker 3: and resources and tools that you needed to maintain that. 789 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:13,080 Speaker 3: But that doesn't mean that coming from that premise was 790 00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:14,879 Speaker 3: a bad place. Remember what I said when we first 791 00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:18,279 Speaker 3: started Harvard. When I get there, I'm gonna learn a 792 00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:21,480 Speaker 3: bunch of other things. On campus, I could only prepare 793 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:23,600 Speaker 3: for what I could prepare for until I got into 794 00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:25,759 Speaker 3: the environment. You could look at the syllabus. 795 00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:27,960 Speaker 1: That's what I'm excited about my relationship is that, you know, 796 00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,640 Speaker 1: I felt like I've been preparing for this relationship. I've 797 00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:33,640 Speaker 1: called myself some sort of relationship expert. But what I 798 00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:37,000 Speaker 1: realized was that I'm an expert at navigating toxic relationships, 799 00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:39,360 Speaker 1: and that once I got into a healthy one, I 800 00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:40,640 Speaker 1: was really lost. 801 00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:41,520 Speaker 2: That happened. 802 00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:48,319 Speaker 3: That happened? Where's chaos? It wasn't even like that. It 803 00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:51,759 Speaker 3: was just like also, like I just feel like. 804 00:41:52,239 --> 00:41:54,440 Speaker 1: I thought I had practiced all these things and I 805 00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:56,600 Speaker 1: actually had to put them in practice, and I was like, oh, 806 00:41:56,640 --> 00:42:01,080 Speaker 1: this is uncomfortable so much. Yeah, Like I even like 807 00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:04,600 Speaker 1: asked for someone that communicates a lot, and my man communities. 808 00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:07,040 Speaker 3: That's not a fucking communicator because. 809 00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,719 Speaker 2: You're just communicator at the level and like now it's 810 00:42:09,760 --> 00:42:12,239 Speaker 2: here and I'm like, oh my god, shout the fuck up. 811 00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:14,040 Speaker 1: But then I'm like, but please don't shut the fuck 812 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:17,000 Speaker 1: up right right, I actually want you to keep talking exactly. 813 00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:19,799 Speaker 3: But not so like maybe just like half like it's 814 00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:22,120 Speaker 3: funny that you said that, Like you shouldn't go. 815 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:24,400 Speaker 1: To sleep angry because he is like a very like 816 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,360 Speaker 1: he's an advocate, like he should be like the poster 817 00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:30,040 Speaker 1: person for like we don't go to bed angry, and 818 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,879 Speaker 1: like we barely do. But sometimes, like I be needing 819 00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:36,239 Speaker 1: to sometimes I need a second, like we argued at 820 00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:38,879 Speaker 1: though with the argument start at eleven pm, I need 821 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:39,439 Speaker 1: to go to bed. 822 00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:42,680 Speaker 3: No agree like that? Okay, so caveat to the earlier rule. 823 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:46,280 Speaker 3: If you cannot come to an agreement in a reasonable 824 00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:49,880 Speaker 3: amount of time, because as you said, the argument started 825 00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:54,399 Speaker 3: at ten forty five, then yes, you guys can break 826 00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:56,480 Speaker 3: it off and go okay, maybe you're arguing for half 827 00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:58,400 Speaker 3: an hour, you cannot come to an agreement. Both of 828 00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:00,280 Speaker 3: us have work or both of us need ours sleep, 829 00:43:00,520 --> 00:43:02,440 Speaker 3: And you go, okay, can we just time out this? 830 00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:03,840 Speaker 3: Can we pause this and come back to it. 831 00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:05,759 Speaker 1: That's and that's me, that's really me, Like I don't know, 832 00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:08,600 Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong. I want to communicate, but sometimes I'm like, look, 833 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:10,759 Speaker 1: we've been talking about this for an hour that you 834 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:14,200 Speaker 1: don't hear me. I don't hear you. I'm starting not 835 00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:14,799 Speaker 1: to care at all. 836 00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:17,120 Speaker 3: No, that's absolutely so like we should just stop because 837 00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,160 Speaker 3: I'm liable to say some ship that I don't mean, 838 00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:21,600 Speaker 3: just because I'm like, I'm done with the things, because 839 00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:23,160 Speaker 3: like I want to, I want to just be mean 840 00:43:23,239 --> 00:43:27,680 Speaker 3: so that it can just be done right place I 841 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:28,680 Speaker 3: agree to discree. 842 00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:30,360 Speaker 1: Like it's almost like I want to be like, Okay, 843 00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:32,200 Speaker 1: we're done right, We're gonna die for the night. 844 00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:34,480 Speaker 3: I'm gonna go to sleep and then we'll revive you 845 00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:38,080 Speaker 3: like Jesus in the morning. Don't don't say you're gonna 846 00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:41,000 Speaker 3: murder I tell anyone, But like I like I thought 847 00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:41,399 Speaker 3: about it. 848 00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:43,360 Speaker 1: I have been and like when I was younger, I 849 00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,960 Speaker 1: remember I had an ex actually it was the guy 850 00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:48,279 Speaker 1: we interviewed and we interviewed our excess. We used to 851 00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:51,239 Speaker 1: have marathon arguments that I'm like traumatized. 852 00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:53,839 Speaker 3: No, I've had that, and we need to argue for 853 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:57,360 Speaker 3: like four hours. I've had I don't because I was 854 00:43:57,400 --> 00:43:58,600 Speaker 3: young and dumb, I don't know. 855 00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:01,200 Speaker 1: And I would be like and he was a bit 856 00:44:01,239 --> 00:44:05,120 Speaker 1: abusive and would force me like God walk me, Yes, 857 00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:07,480 Speaker 1: that is a route of psychoed and it was just 858 00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:09,799 Speaker 1: like I couldn't escape it, and so it was like 859 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:12,319 Speaker 1: we just had to do it. But like now you're 860 00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:14,640 Speaker 1: better with boundaries now, Oh well, that's why I'm like, 861 00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:16,040 Speaker 1: I'm like, if the thirty minutes, we're. 862 00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:17,720 Speaker 3: Not done, oh we're done. No, I'm done. 863 00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:19,680 Speaker 1: I have nothing more to contribute here, Like I don't 864 00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:20,680 Speaker 1: have anything to contribute. 865 00:44:20,719 --> 00:44:22,759 Speaker 3: I don't care what you have to contribute. Do you 866 00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:23,160 Speaker 3: say that? 867 00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:28,800 Speaker 1: No, no, my head, maybe my face, And he probably 868 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,920 Speaker 1: sees that because he knows my energy, and he also 869 00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:34,040 Speaker 1: knows when I check out, like when we're arguing and 870 00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:35,879 Speaker 1: like it's been too long and i'm He always says, 871 00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,000 Speaker 1: when you get, when you're done, you get, you pick. 872 00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:38,239 Speaker 3: Up your phone. 873 00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:40,440 Speaker 1: You don't even realize it. It's true, I've noticed that 874 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:43,200 Speaker 1: I do. That is I know, I know, and I 875 00:44:43,200 --> 00:44:45,840 Speaker 1: don't mean to because I'll just be like okay, yeah 876 00:44:46,719 --> 00:44:48,239 Speaker 1: what but like. 877 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:50,000 Speaker 3: I don't mean to. But it's also why don't you 878 00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:52,520 Speaker 3: put a timer on it so that that way he 879 00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:54,480 Speaker 3: can feel heard, you can feel heard, and you guys 880 00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:58,880 Speaker 3: each other, so say so, say thirty minutes four minutes 881 00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:00,240 Speaker 3: conversation because. 882 00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:04,840 Speaker 1: You know you won't matter, would be like, that's great, perfect, 883 00:45:04,880 --> 00:45:05,520 Speaker 1: we're gonna put it. 884 00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,960 Speaker 3: Let's get thirty one minutes. It's just in case we 885 00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:11,319 Speaker 3: have one last fact to get in there. I'm just 886 00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:14,239 Speaker 3: saying it could work because that way he feels heard, 887 00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:17,879 Speaker 3: you feel heard. Both of you guys matter, men. They 888 00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:21,120 Speaker 3: need they need it as concise as possible. So yeah, 889 00:45:21,239 --> 00:45:24,760 Speaker 3: like thirty minutes for him, and then thirty minutes for you. Sorry, 890 00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:29,200 Speaker 3: I feel like, sorry, fifteen minutes. So you have thirty minutes. 891 00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:31,439 Speaker 3: Let's do it. Don't do it like a mom though 892 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,040 Speaker 3: you know you want to do it. Let's start the time. 893 00:45:34,719 --> 00:45:36,719 Speaker 3: I mean, I mean he'll probably embrace it as well. 894 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:40,279 Speaker 3: But I'm saying both of you are honored because you 895 00:45:40,760 --> 00:45:42,960 Speaker 3: have a previous history of the trauma as well, and 896 00:45:43,000 --> 00:45:45,279 Speaker 3: so too much time for you doesn't work either. Let's 897 00:45:45,280 --> 00:45:47,040 Speaker 3: see how that works. You put a time right, and 898 00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:49,040 Speaker 3: I don't mean thirty minutes per person, I mean fifteen 899 00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:51,279 Speaker 3: minutes per person. Yeah, so that's in and out and done. 900 00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:53,600 Speaker 3: That makes sense. Yeah, and then it becomes an exercise 901 00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,719 Speaker 3: where both of you guys have to become more disciplined 902 00:45:56,120 --> 00:46:01,399 Speaker 3: in learning how to express your thoughts. Concisely. Okay, that's good. Yeah, 903 00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:04,280 Speaker 3: I agree with that. Okay, what was the second question? 904 00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:07,080 Speaker 3: Do you have time? I don't know. If you have time, 905 00:46:08,080 --> 00:46:09,520 Speaker 3: you might be a fast one. Let's see if it's 906 00:46:09,520 --> 00:46:09,960 Speaker 3: a fast one. 907 00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:11,360 Speaker 1: If it's a fast I feel like it's going to 908 00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:14,399 Speaker 1: be in this, in this Okay, Well the fast one is. 909 00:46:14,480 --> 00:46:17,320 Speaker 3: Oh my god, I think break my dia. Why braids 910 00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:17,880 Speaker 3: is coming up? 911 00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:18,799 Speaker 1: Yeah? 912 00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:25,879 Speaker 3: Okay, d why braid just fell out? Damn it? If 913 00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:27,839 Speaker 3: you have a huge communicy, No, this is not it. 914 00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:32,840 Speaker 1: Wait, where do you guys how to get back on 915 00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:34,120 Speaker 1: the horse after divorce? 916 00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:38,640 Speaker 3: Introducing children, balance of work, children, and it's not fast 917 00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:40,319 Speaker 3: back on the horse after divorce. I mean I don't 918 00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:43,480 Speaker 3: know to dump back. Wait, listen to every single podcast 919 00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:43,799 Speaker 3: we ever. 920 00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:47,440 Speaker 1: Really that's listen to every good mom podcast from the beginning. 921 00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:50,359 Speaker 3: That's very and all the answers are there, and also 922 00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:53,840 Speaker 3: what not to do, and also also get a dating coach. 923 00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:55,680 Speaker 3: I'm dead serious. And the reason I say that is 924 00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:58,640 Speaker 3: because don you recommend anyones that you I'm a dating coach. 925 00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:02,920 Speaker 3: And the reason I say that is because I study 926 00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:04,680 Speaker 3: the game so you don't have to. And if you've 927 00:47:04,719 --> 00:47:07,239 Speaker 3: been out of the dating game for a period of time. 928 00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:11,600 Speaker 3: It has changed. Everything is different and people are not 929 00:47:11,719 --> 00:47:14,120 Speaker 3: the way that they were when you left, I promise you. 930 00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:17,359 Speaker 3: And if you don't understand the game, people will run 931 00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:21,359 Speaker 3: circles around you. So I'm saying, invest in someone who 932 00:47:21,440 --> 00:47:28,480 Speaker 3: actually understands your relationship coach. Absolutely. So my name is 933 00:47:28,480 --> 00:47:31,200 Speaker 3: Denai Murori. I'm the founder of the Black Marriage Movement. 934 00:47:31,239 --> 00:47:34,240 Speaker 3: I'm on Instagram as Black Marriage Movement. You can DM 935 00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:37,680 Speaker 3: me there, and yeah, I give sessions. I'm one hundred 936 00:47:37,680 --> 00:47:40,160 Speaker 3: and fifty dollars per fifty five minute session and I'd 937 00:47:40,200 --> 00:47:42,720 Speaker 3: love to help you. And like I said, I have tools, 938 00:47:42,719 --> 00:47:45,799 Speaker 3: I have resources, I have ebooks, I have classes and 939 00:47:45,840 --> 00:47:47,719 Speaker 3: this is my specialty. Like I said, I study the game, 940 00:47:47,719 --> 00:47:49,480 Speaker 3: so you don't have to just come to me, ask 941 00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:52,759 Speaker 3: me a questions, and all download into you conflict resolution. 942 00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:55,720 Speaker 3: And since I have a lot of conflict. 943 00:47:56,560 --> 00:47:59,840 Speaker 1: And he's waiting in the other room, you guys, adventure 944 00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:00,439 Speaker 1: Bay is here. 945 00:48:00,560 --> 00:48:03,920 Speaker 3: He's been in the other room watching sports, drinking. I'm 946 00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:05,480 Speaker 3: literally looking at it. Gonna be good. 947 00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:08,279 Speaker 5: He's trying, like best not to look over here. I 948 00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:15,480 Speaker 5: don't even know there listening, So she sure looks so pretty, 949 00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:16,239 Speaker 5: I know. 950 00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:20,520 Speaker 6: I was thinking that, really, yeah, two days with no cares, 951 00:48:22,880 --> 00:48:26,759 Speaker 6: I'm beautiful. Candle flick guy. 952 00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:27,239 Speaker 3: I know. 953 00:48:29,800 --> 00:48:32,040 Speaker 1: Happens when you have like my man has been away 954 00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:36,359 Speaker 1: from me. Kids like I literally like put a band 955 00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:40,600 Speaker 1: on everyone. I was like, don't come near me. We 956 00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:42,080 Speaker 1: recorded episode. I was like, you have to do a 957 00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:45,400 Speaker 1: virtually business. I don't want to be around fifteen away. 958 00:48:45,719 --> 00:48:47,360 Speaker 1: I was like, nope, Internet, zoom me. 959 00:48:47,640 --> 00:48:50,200 Speaker 3: There is me now. 960 00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:54,719 Speaker 2: Anyway, Adventure Bay is in the other room and we're about. 961 00:48:54,440 --> 00:49:00,440 Speaker 3: To get the puny sun ready over there, I think, so, 962 00:49:00,719 --> 00:49:04,760 Speaker 3: I don't know what I'm ready for, but sure, mkay 963 00:49:04,800 --> 00:49:11,160 Speaker 3: we're ready. Yeah, I think so. Bye bye fun Hi, 964 00:49:11,320 --> 00:49:14,680 Speaker 3: Adventure Bay. Yay. What's going on? Nothing that's going on. 965 00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:21,759 Speaker 2: So Erica has left us alone with Deny and she's 966 00:49:21,800 --> 00:49:22,799 Speaker 2: here to therapize us. 967 00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:30,480 Speaker 3: I liked, come, please help help me, Yes, tell me 968 00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:32,320 Speaker 3: what's going on? Why are we here today? 969 00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:37,239 Speaker 2: We are here because Doax and I met in quarantine 970 00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:42,279 Speaker 2: on Hinge and got into a relationship shortly after that, 971 00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:51,000 Speaker 2: maybe like three or four months, and moved rather accelerated 972 00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:56,040 Speaker 2: into our our dating process and our relationship because it 973 00:49:56,160 --> 00:50:00,839 Speaker 2: just happened that way in and it's COVID, and you know, like, yeah, 974 00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:03,040 Speaker 2: that's what happened. But even even I don't know, even 975 00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:05,080 Speaker 2: without it being COVID, I still think that it would 976 00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:06,360 Speaker 2: have that would have happened naturally. 977 00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:10,920 Speaker 3: I don't. I mean, like i'd be dating and I'd 978 00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:12,840 Speaker 3: be on the the dating apps. 979 00:50:12,880 --> 00:50:15,080 Speaker 2: But like I said before, like I don't, even though 980 00:50:15,120 --> 00:50:16,680 Speaker 2: I said I want in a relationship, I don't know 981 00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:19,760 Speaker 2: if like I was really expecting that to happen, because 982 00:50:19,800 --> 00:50:22,719 Speaker 2: I haven't. I don't come into a lot of I 983 00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:26,040 Speaker 2: don't come and counter with a lot of people that 984 00:50:26,600 --> 00:50:29,040 Speaker 2: even in a dating or romantic situation that I feel 985 00:50:29,040 --> 00:50:29,600 Speaker 2: like I want to. 986 00:50:29,560 --> 00:50:31,200 Speaker 3: Be around long term often. 987 00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:36,279 Speaker 2: So this happened rather quickly, and about a month ago, 988 00:50:36,560 --> 00:50:40,719 Speaker 2: about five or six months into our relationship adventure, they 989 00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:46,640 Speaker 2: here went through my messages and discovered some infidelity. 990 00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:49,000 Speaker 3: And broke up with me. 991 00:50:49,239 --> 00:50:56,920 Speaker 2: And so we're not together anymore, but we are obviously 992 00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:59,040 Speaker 2: in contact, we're obviously friends. 993 00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:04,759 Speaker 3: We love each other. Clear, he's here, He's here, Yeah, 994 00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:05,840 Speaker 3: that one. 995 00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:11,200 Speaker 2: And I've been trying to advocate for the relationship and 996 00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:14,040 Speaker 2: to try and kind of repair it and mend it 997 00:51:14,080 --> 00:51:14,880 Speaker 2: and move forward. 998 00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:16,920 Speaker 3: Adventurbrate need some. 999 00:51:16,920 --> 00:51:20,399 Speaker 2: Time and some space, but obviously we love each other, 1000 00:51:20,480 --> 00:51:24,160 Speaker 2: so we've hung out and spend time together. 1001 00:51:24,560 --> 00:51:29,440 Speaker 3: And so I guess my question. 1002 00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:34,879 Speaker 4: Is And in addition to that, I've also started some 1003 00:51:35,160 --> 00:51:38,240 Speaker 4: therapy on my end because I've realized I have issues 1004 00:51:38,280 --> 00:51:41,000 Speaker 4: that are separate from him, and actually this. 1005 00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:45,359 Speaker 2: Entire issue and the infidelity is not related to him, 1006 00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:47,239 Speaker 2: and I've kind of expressed that to him, that it's 1007 00:51:47,280 --> 00:51:52,240 Speaker 2: like something personal that like my behavior, being scared, having fear, 1008 00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:55,319 Speaker 2: and like just falling back into old behavior because that's 1009 00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:57,560 Speaker 2: what I'm used to, what I'm comfortable with. 1010 00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:00,600 Speaker 3: Your old behavior is cheating, just. 1011 00:52:00,520 --> 00:52:04,040 Speaker 2: Being like hyper sexual and like N I N And 1012 00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:06,080 Speaker 2: not only did I cheat, I don't have a really 1013 00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:09,560 Speaker 2: good reason, like I. I don't have a a good 1014 00:52:09,600 --> 00:52:13,040 Speaker 2: reason why, you know, other than maybe it's it was easy. 1015 00:52:13,560 --> 00:52:17,560 Speaker 2: I was scared and and thinking that maybe some things 1016 00:52:17,560 --> 00:52:21,759 Speaker 2: weren't working out here for very shallow reasons, and just 1017 00:52:21,880 --> 00:52:27,799 Speaker 2: like doing something that didn't make wasn't worth losing my relationship. 1018 00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:31,600 Speaker 3: Things were not working out here? What do you mean? No, 1019 00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:32,520 Speaker 3: there weren't not working out. 1020 00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:34,600 Speaker 2: Things were going great, but I think there was things 1021 00:52:34,640 --> 00:52:38,239 Speaker 2: I was not communicating, uh that were important, to me. 1022 00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:40,480 Speaker 3: Like, what just that I wanted to have more sex? 1023 00:52:41,360 --> 00:52:43,960 Speaker 3: So you d you wanted to have more sex? Mm, 1024 00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:45,160 Speaker 3: you did not communicate that. 1025 00:52:45,360 --> 00:52:47,239 Speaker 2: I did communicate it, but he kind of like, I 1026 00:52:47,239 --> 00:52:48,920 Speaker 2: don't think he understood that how. 1027 00:52:48,800 --> 00:52:53,759 Speaker 3: Important it was to me. So you didn't communicate the context. Yeah, 1028 00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:56,640 Speaker 3: and rather I didn't like the response. What was the response? 1029 00:52:56,640 --> 00:52:58,200 Speaker 3: It's like, you know. 1030 00:52:59,840 --> 00:53:03,600 Speaker 2: Basically that all that will die down eventually, what's important? 1031 00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:07,719 Speaker 3: And so it's kind of dismissive. It wasn't I We'll 1032 00:53:07,719 --> 00:53:11,120 Speaker 3: see what happens, right, So it wasn't you have a 1033 00:53:11,160 --> 00:53:13,120 Speaker 3: need for more sex. I'm gonna meet the need? Yeah, 1034 00:53:13,480 --> 00:53:13,879 Speaker 3: got it? 1035 00:53:13,960 --> 00:53:16,600 Speaker 2: Okay, even though he had it has happened, It did 1036 00:53:16,680 --> 00:53:17,520 Speaker 2: happen after. 1037 00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:22,719 Speaker 3: But what you respond to that was what felt like 1038 00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:28,120 Speaker 3: a dismissal of what you were communicating. Was it scared 1039 00:53:28,160 --> 00:53:29,919 Speaker 3: for you? Scary for you to communicate that. 1040 00:53:32,560 --> 00:53:34,400 Speaker 2: No, it wasn't scared for me to communicate that. It 1041 00:53:34,440 --> 00:53:37,839 Speaker 2: was scary for him not to, in my opinion, care 1042 00:53:37,920 --> 00:53:38,319 Speaker 2: that much. 1043 00:53:40,080 --> 00:53:44,680 Speaker 3: We're probably saying the same thing, okay, basically vocalizing kind 1044 00:53:44,719 --> 00:53:48,360 Speaker 3: of a vulnerable truth and putting it out there. And 1045 00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:52,040 Speaker 3: for you, you're saying basically once it was out there. 1046 00:53:52,080 --> 00:53:55,160 Speaker 3: The vulnerability is how's he gonna respond, you know, is 1047 00:53:55,160 --> 00:53:59,319 Speaker 3: he going to hear me and meet the need? Were 1048 00:53:59,360 --> 00:54:05,840 Speaker 3: you aware of, oh, you're nodding already something like oh yeah, 1049 00:54:05,880 --> 00:54:09,520 Speaker 3: you were, okay? Were you aware that she had those 1050 00:54:09,560 --> 00:54:13,280 Speaker 3: feelings of that she felt like she had expressed something 1051 00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:15,640 Speaker 3: that was like a desire or a concern of hers 1052 00:54:15,680 --> 00:54:18,160 Speaker 3: and that she felt like you kind of rejected her 1053 00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:24,080 Speaker 3: or downplated or dismissed it. I definitely didn't reject it. 1054 00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:27,200 Speaker 3: I heard what she was saying, Okay, I was like, well, 1055 00:54:27,440 --> 00:54:28,239 Speaker 3: we'll have you know. 1056 00:54:28,520 --> 00:54:31,239 Speaker 2: It was kind of like, all right, I'm gonna stop 1057 00:54:31,320 --> 00:54:34,240 Speaker 2: right there. Things are about to get pretty intimate and personal, 1058 00:54:34,440 --> 00:54:36,160 Speaker 2: and I didn't want to put all my business on 1059 00:54:36,239 --> 00:54:38,479 Speaker 2: this internet. But if you want to get a little 1060 00:54:38,480 --> 00:54:41,960 Speaker 2: more personal with Eric and I, including with this therapy 1061 00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:44,759 Speaker 2: session with adventure Bay and I, you can click the 1062 00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:47,719 Speaker 2: link in the description of this episode and go to 1063 00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:51,759 Speaker 2: patreon dot com backslash Good Mom's Bad Choices to hear 1064 00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:55,040 Speaker 2: me an adventure Bay try and work out our kinks. 1065 00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:58,400 Speaker 2: If you have been considering doing therapy and have been imposed, 1066 00:54:58,440 --> 00:54:59,560 Speaker 2: I highly recommend it. 1067 00:54:59,560 --> 00:55:03,600 Speaker 3: It's very helpful. And I was initially opposed to. 1068 00:55:03,600 --> 00:55:04,440 Speaker 2: It, but fuck it. 1069 00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:07,800 Speaker 3: Everybody needs therapy anyway. I hope you guys have a 1070 00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:15,080 Speaker 3: great week and I'll see you next week, right, Ella 1071 00:55:16,000 --> 00:55:22,919 Speaker 3: solo recorder Lalu The lass Ranza