WEBVTT - The gift of full focus

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.

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<v Speaker 1>Good Morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Today's tip is about carving out small amounts of time

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<v Speaker 1>to fully focus on another person. Often, these small bits

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<v Speaker 1>of time can have an outsized positive effect on the relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>Long Time Before Breakfast listeners know that I have four children,

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<v Speaker 1>and in larger families, it can be difficult to spend

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<v Speaker 1>one on one time with each of the kids. So

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<v Speaker 1>for the past few years, each summer, I've scheduled what

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<v Speaker 1>I call Mommy Days with each of the children. I

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<v Speaker 1>take the day off work, and the child and I

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<v Speaker 1>go to an activity of the child's choosing. My children

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<v Speaker 1>are all very different from each other, and so we've

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<v Speaker 1>done varied things, playing combat games and laser tag, for instance,

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<v Speaker 1>or going to the American Girl Place. We visited the

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<v Speaker 1>National Zoo in Washington, d C. And gone to the

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<v Speaker 1>Police Touch Museum here in Philadelphia. These activities are all fun,

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<v Speaker 1>but the activity itself tends not to be the main draw.

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<v Speaker 1>When I took my daughter to Hershey Park a few

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<v Speaker 1>summers ago, it was just so fun to watch her

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<v Speaker 1>little face as she realized we could do whatever ride

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<v Speaker 1>she wanted. She didn't have to consult with all her brothers.

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<v Speaker 1>If she wanted to eat at a particular restaurant, it

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<v Speaker 1>was fine, no negotiation involved. There are upsides to being

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<v Speaker 1>in a big family. I mean, life is a constant

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<v Speaker 1>play at my house, but it was also really lovely

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<v Speaker 1>to spend the day fully focused on her Mommy days

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<v Speaker 1>are special, but in fact, even shorter amounts of full

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<v Speaker 1>focused time can have a huge positive effect on any relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>The best investments are time when you enter the other

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<v Speaker 1>person's world at their pace and participate in it without

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<v Speaker 1>trying to instruct them in any way. I think a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of us naturally resist this sort of thing. It

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<v Speaker 1>can feel unproductive. We might also feel incredibly busy and

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<v Speaker 1>worry that once we start entering the other person's world

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<v Speaker 1>for a bit, building those lego towers or playing that

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<v Speaker 1>board game, we'll have to stop at some point and

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<v Speaker 1>it will all be unpleasant. But I read something encouraging

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<v Speaker 1>about this and Julie Morgenstern's new book, Time to Parent.

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<v Speaker 1>She's divided the job of parenting into four parts, which

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<v Speaker 1>actually spell out the acronym part P A R T.

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<v Speaker 1>There's providing doing the physical care and also providing financially

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<v Speaker 1>for our kids. Then there's arranging all the schedules and

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<v Speaker 1>logistics and the like. Then there's relating, which is what

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<v Speaker 1>we're talking about with this fully focused one on one time,

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<v Speaker 1>and finally teaching all the instructing and discipline we naturally

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<v Speaker 1>do to make our children into decent citizens. The good news,

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<v Speaker 1>she writes, is that relating and fairly frequent but small

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<v Speaker 1>chunks of time, it's just fine. Indeed, kids have incredibly

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<v Speaker 1>short attention spans. Many children can only focus on something

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<v Speaker 1>for about one minute per year of age. That means

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<v Speaker 1>if you agree to build a lego castle with your

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<v Speaker 1>eight year old, it is quite possible that inside fifteen

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<v Speaker 1>minutes your child will be done and you can be

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<v Speaker 1>done too. But in the meantime, agreeing to do those

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<v Speaker 1>few minutes without whining about it, and I mean the

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<v Speaker 1>whining from you, the adult, not the kid, can make

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<v Speaker 1>the child feel acknowledged and understood. Even adults don't need

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<v Speaker 1>a huge amount of focus as long as they get

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<v Speaker 1>some pure focus. If you get home from work after

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<v Speaker 1>your partner or your partner is home with your kids

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<v Speaker 1>during the day, there's much to be said for walking

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<v Speaker 1>straight to that person and focusing fully on him or

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<v Speaker 1>her for a few minutes, asking about the day and

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<v Speaker 1>what's going on. You can deal with email, chores and

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<v Speaker 1>whatever else later. Likewise, when you ask a colleague about

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<v Speaker 1>his weekend, there's much to be said for actually listening

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<v Speaker 1>to the answer. If the person can talk for three

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<v Speaker 1>minutes without you trying interrupt or look at your phone

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<v Speaker 1>or sigh about all you have going on, the relationship

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<v Speaker 1>will feel completely different. And let's face it, all you

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<v Speaker 1>are going to do in those three minutes is delete

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<v Speaker 1>newsletters from your inbox that you can't remember subscribing to. Anyway,

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<v Speaker 1>people are a good use of time, especially since people

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<v Speaker 1>often don't need that much time. They just need to

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<v Speaker 1>feel for a few minutes like they truly matter. When

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<v Speaker 1>you can do that for someone, that's a real gift.

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<v Speaker 1>In the meantime, this is Laura, Thanks for listening, and

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<v Speaker 1>here's to making the most of our time. Hey, everybody,

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<v Speaker 1>I'd love to hear from you. You can send me

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<v Speaker 1>your tips, your questions, or anything else. Just connect with

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<v Speaker 1>me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at before Breakfast Pod.

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<v Speaker 1>That's b E the number four. Then Breakfast p O d.

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<v Speaker 1>You can also shoot me an email at before Breakfast

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<v Speaker 1>podcast at i heeart media dot com that Before Breakfast

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<v Speaker 1>is spelled out with all the letters. Thanks so much,

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<v Speaker 1>I look forward to staying in touch. Before Breakfast is

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<v Speaker 1>a production of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from

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<v Speaker 1>my heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

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<v Speaker 1>or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.