Speaker 1: Hell I Suck at Dating with Dengler Jared Haven and
Speaker 1: I heard radio podcast what is going On? Everyone? Welcome
Speaker 1: to an all new episode of Help I Suck Get Dating,
Speaker 1: starring the lovely Jared have been featuring yours truly Dean
Speaker 1: unglard to What's going on? Jared? How are you? I
Speaker 1: haven't even normally we have a little bit of banter
Speaker 1: back and forth before the show starts. I didn't even
Speaker 1: get the chance to say hi to you until now. No,
Speaker 1: let's keep it all on the podcast, make it very real.
Speaker 1: Things are good. We're in Rhode Island. What else? What
Speaker 1: is new with us? Nothing? Much? Man? Uh, Rody Livin
Speaker 1: is doing well. East Coast summers are the best. Things
Speaker 1: are good. I can't complain. How about you? Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I have so many things to update you on, Jared,
Speaker 1: there's nothing to update me answer. I have so much
Speaker 1: to say. How much time do we have? I think
Speaker 1: We've only got about ten minutes. You know. Actually I
Speaker 1: don't know if I've got enough time to even say
Speaker 1: any of it, So maybe I'll just keep it to myself.
Speaker 1: We've got a great episode for you guys. Uh, it's
Speaker 1: it's and help Me understand this episode a little bit better, Jared.
Speaker 1: So we've got fans calling in to speak with us yesterday.
Speaker 1: So on our Instagram help I suck at dating, which
Speaker 1: you guys should totally follow if you don't already followed.
Speaker 1: We posted on our inst story saying, hey, d on
Speaker 1: us if you feel like your best friend BFF as
Speaker 1: we call it is, is better than any therapist that
Speaker 1: you've ever talked to when it comes to dating, And
Speaker 1: then we're gonna have you on the podcast to talk
Speaker 1: about this. So we have two fans coming on. We
Speaker 1: have Sheina and then we have Alyssa, who are going
Speaker 1: to come on and talk about how they're best friends
Speaker 1: know them better than anybody in this world. For example,
Speaker 1: Sheina replied to our instant storian said, my best friend
Speaker 1: knows me way more than I know myself, and I
Speaker 1: suck at dating. So Sheina sucks at dating and her
Speaker 1: best friend knows her better than herself, and Alyssa goes,
Speaker 1: my best friend knows in two seconds if a guy
Speaker 1: looks like he will get a on with me, no idea.
Speaker 1: How she is always right, showed her pick of a
Speaker 1: tender date and she said he will be a dick
Speaker 1: and ghost you after the date and guess what, he
Speaker 1: was a dick and he ghost to her. How did
Speaker 1: she do it? Nobody knows what. We're gonna talk to
Speaker 1: Alyssa about it. So I'm super excited about this episode.
Speaker 1: We also have Dr Elizabeth Lombardo coming on the podcast
Speaker 1: in a little while. UM, so I'm excited. It's gonna
Speaker 1: be a good podcast. Man. Of course, we have emails too,
Speaker 1: your favorite part, my favorite part, all of our favorite parts, emails.
Speaker 1: And as far as I understand that Dr Lombardo is
Speaker 1: going to help us with the emails, Before we get
Speaker 1: to that, I would just like to take a second
Speaker 1: and recognize today as June tenth, it just became a
Speaker 1: federal holiday passed into law. Jee of course, is the
Speaker 1: celebration of the emancipation of slavery. So I just didn't
Speaker 1: want to go an entire episode of that, at least
Speaker 1: bringing that I agree, just acknowledging that. Um it's funny. Actually,
Speaker 1: my my roommate and one of my best friends is
Speaker 1: person and of Color, and I was like, Jackson, you
Speaker 1: gotta He's actually been on this podcast before, like two
Speaker 1: or three years ago. I was like, you gotta come
Speaker 1: on the podcast and he's actually like the head of
Speaker 1: diversity training for like a big marketing company, And I
Speaker 1: was like, dude, this would be a great platform for
Speaker 1: you to like come up and like just you know,
Speaker 1: like the uncomfortable conversations with the black guy Emmanuel Acho.
Speaker 1: I think it'd be a great opportunity. And obviously I
Speaker 1: can just kind of talk to the producers behind the
Speaker 1: scenes about this, but to bring him on and we
Speaker 1: could kind of have a conversation with him about that
Speaker 1: type of stuff. He was telling me there are these
Speaker 1: women of color in Colorado, which is where we're both from,
Speaker 1: and white women specifically, would hire them, bring them to
Speaker 1: dinner with them, and then just ask them all of
Speaker 1: the questions that they've always been like unsure of to
Speaker 1: ask and maybe like a little hesitant to ask. Uh.
Speaker 1: And it's just like I think, once you start having
Speaker 1: those conversations, only good things can come from it. So
Speaker 1: maybe one of these days we can have a conversation
Speaker 1: like that with him, because he's a very smart man. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would love that. I I preach all the time
Speaker 1: I think on comfortable conversations are a great thing to
Speaker 1: have in this world, not a just about race, but
Speaker 1: about sex and a lot of taboo subjects that people
Speaker 1: are afraid to have conversations. But like you said, when
Speaker 1: you're able to air it out, only good things coming
Speaker 1: from it. Now, I also understand that it's very scary
Speaker 1: to do those things, especially on a public platform. Like
Speaker 1: I'm extremely nervous when I say things because I don't know.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm just oblivious or ignorant. And I remember I
Speaker 1: told this story during UM right after the George Floyd
Speaker 1: murder UM last summer and the Black Lives Matter movie
Speaker 1: was happening, and I wanted to post something, and I posted, UM,
Speaker 1: I posted black lives matter, uh, something like something all
Speaker 1: encompassing because I was like, okay, I want to say
Speaker 1: black lives matter, all lives matter. And I said that
Speaker 1: and people are like, oh, you can't say all lives matter?
Speaker 1: And I was like, where does this come from? And
Speaker 1: then obviously I looked more into it and learn more
Speaker 1: about it. But it's like moments like that where you
Speaker 1: have instances you're able to learn from, which is good.
Speaker 1: So hopefully that continues. Any who, I would love to
Speaker 1: have him on the podcast. I think that's a great. Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: I appreciate the I think the moral of your story
Speaker 1: is you learned from the things that you didn't know
Speaker 1: of first, right, Like you made a mistake maybe and
Speaker 1: then you kind of redacted it, which I like, you
Speaker 1: just learned from your mistakes. Isn't that the whole point
Speaker 1: of life? Yeah? Exactly, if you do something wrong, learn
Speaker 1: what you did wrong, and go about go about fixing it.
Speaker 1: So yeah, maybe we can have that happened one day.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Last time he was on the podcast,
Speaker 1: like two or three years ago. Like I said, we
Speaker 1: talked about sex thing. He's like, dude, I'd love to
Speaker 1: come on your podcast, just don't make me talk about
Speaker 1: sex thing. And I was like, Yeah, that's that's reasonable,
Speaker 1: that's a reasonable. Texting is a fun conversation, but it's
Speaker 1: a good segue into our first topic that we're going
Speaker 1: to briefly touch on before Alyssa comes. Excuse me, Shena
Speaker 1: is our first guest on She's gonna be on in
Speaker 1: a second talking about her best friend. But I did
Speaker 1: want to mention that there's a new show coming out
Speaker 1: from our former Bachelor producer, Alan gail And who's a
Speaker 1: great man who married Ashley and myself a close friend
Speaker 1: and he is a producer in a brand new reality
Speaker 1: dating show that is going to be on HBO Max
Speaker 1: called F Boy Island. And like the series concept was
Speaker 1: created by Alan, who obviously was a producer on the show.
Speaker 1: Now Uh he's he credits uh Love is Blind and
Speaker 1: HBO Max's holiday theme dating show Twelve Dates of Christmas. Um.
Speaker 1: And then he goes on to say Alan says this,
Speaker 1: when I first got the call to be part of
Speaker 1: a reality dating show called F Boy Island, I said
Speaker 1: yes immediately. Then I realized they weren't asking me to
Speaker 1: be one of the girls looking for love. Oh this
Speaker 1: is I'm sorry, I'm mixing up my quotes all over
Speaker 1: the place. This is Nicky Glazer. Okay, long story short,
Speaker 1: F Boy Island is a brand new show that is
Speaker 1: produced by a lan which I'm super excited about. It's
Speaker 1: gonna be on HBO Max. It is hosted by Nicky Glazer.
Speaker 1: Anything that Alan does, I'm a percent in because that
Speaker 1: man is a genius and I'm super excited for the show.
Speaker 1: I don't know exactly when it's gonna air, um, but
Speaker 1: all I know is that i cannot wait for it.
Speaker 1: All Right, on a scale of one to ten for
Speaker 1: f Boy Island, Is it going to be more or
Speaker 1: less cheesy than? Uh? Definitely more but that okay, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna keep doing it. I'm just gonna say more.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna keep naming a couple of I don't want
Speaker 1: to go more less, more or less cheesy than Love
Speaker 1: is Blind equal. I think it's very very Love is
Speaker 1: Blind esque. Okay, because I I looked at obviously, we
Speaker 1: don't really know anything about it at this point. I'm
Speaker 1: excited to at least give it a try because I
Speaker 1: love Alan. I think he is, like you said, he's
Speaker 1: a genius. I'm excited to watch it. I the cover
Speaker 1: art for the poster, I was like, this is the
Speaker 1: cheesiest looking poster board I've ever seen in my entire life.
Speaker 1: It's like an island with a girl on it, and
Speaker 1: like a million guys like swimming into it, poorly photoshopped
Speaker 1: into it, based only off of a Lan Nikki and
Speaker 1: Bill Dixon, who you know as well, who's awsome, incredibly
Speaker 1: intelligent guy. I'm definitely gonna watch it, but I I
Speaker 1: guess I'm keeping the bar. I'm keeping my expectations maintained
Speaker 1: a little bit. Well, Alan's kind of, from my understanding,
Speaker 1: the master behind mastermind behind Paradise. Uh, and I Paradise
Speaker 1: is my favorite show within the Bachelor franchise. And and
Speaker 1: I think I just I love a line Alan's creativity.
Speaker 1: I love that he's willing to take risk, and I
Speaker 1: think when he was on Bachelor he was held in
Speaker 1: check a little bit. Obviously, it's an ABC show. ABC
Speaker 1: is owned by Disney. There's only so much provocative things
Speaker 1: that you can do, and you can only toy with
Speaker 1: the edge as far as you can go that ABC
Speaker 1: will allow, rightfully, So of course ABC has to watch themselves.
Speaker 1: But now that Alan is on HBO and producing this
Speaker 1: reality show that's literally titled f Boy Island and airing
Speaker 1: on HBO, which you know, hey, no holds bar on that,
Speaker 1: I'm very excited to see how far he's going to
Speaker 1: push the envelope. That's what I'm most excited about. I
Speaker 1: agree with what you're saying. HBO will be a fun
Speaker 1: platform for him because it's uh, you know, I think
Speaker 1: HBO was the network that I saw my first booby
Speaker 1: on when I was a kid. They don't really tend
Speaker 1: to hold back when it comes to that kind of stuff,
Speaker 1: So very pretty exciting in that respect. Do you remember
Speaker 1: the show was on I think so there was a
Speaker 1: show back in the day called like cat House something
Speaker 1: and it was about uh, you know what I'm talking, Yes,
Speaker 1: but also Eastern just message just and I agree with him.
Speaker 1: You remember watching Real Sex as a kid? Oh? Yes,
Speaker 1: Real Sex Taxi cab confessions. Sometimes you'd see it, and
Speaker 1: then sometimes they would air I think it was on
Speaker 1: HBO that they would air Howard Stern episodes and sometimes
Speaker 1: you would catch a glimpse of a little bit of
Speaker 1: nipple on there and listen. When you're a twelve year
Speaker 1: old boy, this is like a kind of maybe like
Speaker 1: right when the Internet was kind of catching on. So
Speaker 1: and and you have a family computer instead of your
Speaker 1: own personal laptop, so you have to be very careful
Speaker 1: when you could be on your television at one in
Speaker 1: the morning flip over to HBO and see like a
Speaker 1: little something provocative. As a twelve year old boy, you're like,
Speaker 1: this is awesome. So yeah, I think if anyone within
Speaker 1: our like era has a very strong affinity for HBO
Speaker 1: for that recent alone, in my opinion, um, so I'm
Speaker 1: excited for Eble Island and now I'm gonna go back
Speaker 1: and rewatch real sex. Um. So, Also, I just I
Speaker 1: want to I want to say this before we move
Speaker 1: on to having Sheena joined us. Calin just told me
Speaker 1: that her grandmother listens to the this podcast, and after
Speaker 1: saying that, I just feel a little uncomfortable. So, dear Joe,
Speaker 1: if you're listening to this, Um, I'm sorry, Yes, Klin's grandmother.
Speaker 1: I apologize as well. Uh. I hope we get to
Speaker 1: meet in person one day and I can formally apologize
Speaker 1: for everything I've said on this podcast. Uh. So, we
Speaker 1: do have another topic that I want to get into
Speaker 1: before Sina or Lisa Alyssa calls in, and that is
Speaker 1: there was a New York Times article that said seven
Speaker 1: ways to reset your relationship now. Experts say couples can
Speaker 1: emerge from the pandemic stronger than ever by learning from
Speaker 1: the past and looking towards the future. During this time,
Speaker 1: couples may have been spending about as much time with
Speaker 1: each other as would normally be stretched across a two
Speaker 1: to three year period, said Bryce Tohone, who's a clinical
Speaker 1: psychologist in Portland's, Oregon. And they've had to occupy multiple
Speaker 1: roles that would have been previously filled by others like friends,
Speaker 1: which is impossible. I will say I this the pandemics
Speaker 1: kind of like well, I mean, the horrible nous of
Speaker 1: the pandemic obviously aside, it's kind of like bachelor, right
Speaker 1: because you're forced to live together, you're forced to you know,
Speaker 1: be creative, and you're stuck in this one place for
Speaker 1: an extended period of time. It's kind of like a
Speaker 1: speed dating relationship. My sister in law moved back to
Speaker 1: Virginia right before the pandemic started and had to move
Speaker 1: in with her boyfriend and they were living together like
Speaker 1: a month before the pandemic hit, and then boom, they
Speaker 1: were stuck inside the house. And that was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: we're gonna find out this relationship is going to make
Speaker 1: her to break it through the pandemic. Thank god they
Speaker 1: made it and now they're engaged. Yeah. I agree. It's
Speaker 1: kind of a similar situation, not quite as extreme as
Speaker 1: that though. For Kayla and I we were together I
Speaker 1: think for probably seven eight months at the time, and
Speaker 1: then yeah, you just go from you know, doing your
Speaker 1: own thing to all of a sudden being with each other. Uh.
Speaker 1: I want to what do you think. Do you think
Speaker 1: more couples succeeded or failed because of it? I if
Speaker 1: I had to bet, I'd love to see numbers on this,
Speaker 1: I would say more couples. I'd honestly, my gut reactions
Speaker 1: says failed because I bet people looked at it and said, hey, um,
Speaker 1: I only have so much time on this earth. I
Speaker 1: think people are really rethinking their priorities throughout this pandemic,
Speaker 1: and they're probably wanting to do the things that they've
Speaker 1: always wanted to do, kind of like you, where you're like, hey,
Speaker 1: I want to travel and I want to see this,
Speaker 1: and you're very lucky to have someone like Kalin who
Speaker 1: supports that and lets you do your own adventures. I
Speaker 1: don't feel like everyone's like Kalin. So I'm curious if
Speaker 1: people are like, hey, I need to do this, and
Speaker 1: then other people were like hey, I need you here,
Speaker 1: and that caused friction, and uh, I bet more relationships
Speaker 1: broke up then stay together through the pandemic. I'll bet
Speaker 1: you what though. I bet you if you in thirty
Speaker 1: years time were to compare divorce statistics, I bet you
Speaker 1: that there would be are decrease in divorces judging from
Speaker 1: this eighteen month window that we've been in, because, like
Speaker 1: you said, it kind of pressure cooks the relationship pre
Speaker 1: marriage obviously, Like I don't really think any married couples
Speaker 1: were getting divorced because of COVID. I'm sure obviously one
Speaker 1: or two whatever, But I think I just wanted to
Speaker 1: kind of think in the world it gives you, but
Speaker 1: I'm saying way less than other relationships. I bet you
Speaker 1: it get. It gets giving these couples a lot of
Speaker 1: insight to whether they're gonna want to spend the rest
Speaker 1: of their life with this person. And because of that,
Speaker 1: I think it's going to reduce the divorce rates at
Speaker 1: least for this little eighteen month window, if you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. No, I that's an interesting theory. So
Speaker 1: the New York Times article goes on says, now as
Speaker 1: many couples have to plunge back into the hum of life,
Speaker 1: it is a perfect opportunity for a relationship reset, to
Speaker 1: learn from our time hunkering down together and look forward
Speaker 1: to the future. So Number one, they say, there are
Speaker 1: seven ways to reset your relationship. Number One, do a
Speaker 1: relationship review. First, have a sit down together to assess
Speaker 1: what worked about your relationship and what didn't during quarantine.
Speaker 1: I think that's a good idea. Sure, why not. Shouldn't
Speaker 1: you just do that all the time anyway, not just
Speaker 1: about quarantine. Shouldn't you kind of sit down and be like, Hey,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm thinking, this is what you're thinking,
Speaker 1: be on the same page. No, maybe, yes, I mean
Speaker 1: I think yeah. I think quarantine kind of gives you
Speaker 1: an excuse to sit down and say and talk about
Speaker 1: it though, which is nice. It's always going to have
Speaker 1: a reason, you know. Fair point number two, voice your appreciation.
Speaker 1: Perhaps over the past year you haven't felt like giving
Speaker 1: compliments to your partner, but positive feedback is important. Do
Speaker 1: you compliment Kalin a lot? I bet you do. I
Speaker 1: compliment her more in the short term, and I think
Speaker 1: it could probably do a better job of being like, hey,
Speaker 1: just so let you know, I appreciate your existence more
Speaker 1: so than just being like, hey, you look really nice today,
Speaker 1: you know, kind of like more of a broader, more
Speaker 1: all encompassing compliment, more in depth compliment, yeah, which probably
Speaker 1: are more meaningful, uh A little know in fact about Dean, Dean,
Speaker 1: you are a great compliment tour if that makes you're
Speaker 1: great at giving compliments well, as are you, thank you
Speaker 1: very much. I'm also a really good compliment hee. I'm
Speaker 1: really good at receiving compliments, which I get quite often.
Speaker 1: If I don't, if I don't, you know, humble brag. No,
Speaker 1: I'm just kidding, I'm actually bad at it. There was
Speaker 1: actually a time, like a week ago. I can't remember
Speaker 1: what it was, but Kylin and I hadn't really hung
Speaker 1: out for a long time. Calin was like in Vegas
Speaker 1: for a month and I was in Los Angeles for
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks. She got back and I like
Speaker 1: was kind of like hungover, so I was like pretty
Speaker 1: stand offish, and then I left to go play golf
Speaker 1: and I was like driving away and I texted her
Speaker 1: and I was like, Hey, I just don't want you
Speaker 1: to know I'm really sorry for being kind of quiet.
Speaker 1: I really appreciate that you're back in Los Angeles and
Speaker 1: you know, Los Angeles is a better city with you
Speaker 1: here or something like that. Uh. And I was like,
Speaker 1: as I was like, hopefully she takes that as a,
Speaker 1: you know, a good thing. I don't know. It was
Speaker 1: just one of those moments where I was like kind
Speaker 1: of trying to be more you know, retroactively complimentary instead
Speaker 1: of just being like, you look nice or whatever. But anyways,
Speaker 1: I don't know where this story was. I think the
Speaker 1: fact that you're bad at taking compliments is a good
Speaker 1: thing because that means you're humble. Now we're going to
Speaker 1: get it back to this article because we also have
Speaker 1: five more to go that we want to talk to
Speaker 1: you about. But we do have a very special guest
Speaker 1: who was on the line with us right now. It
Speaker 1: is the help I Suck, a dating fan that we
Speaker 1: were talking about who said her best friend knows her
Speaker 1: best way better than she knows herself, and including the
Speaker 1: best friend apparently told her, hey, listen, this guy is
Speaker 1: gonna be a dick and this guy's gonna ghost you.
Speaker 1: And she knew all this just by looking at a
Speaker 1: tender day. It is our friend, Alyssa, Alyssa, thank you
Speaker 1: so much, Ali, Ali? Or a LISTA do you do?
Speaker 1: Which one do you go by? I go by Ali? Well, Ali,
Speaker 1: I'm Jared. It's so nice meeting you. Thank you for
Speaker 1: doing this. Yeah, of course, h so, Ali, you told
Speaker 1: us that your best friend knows you way better than
Speaker 1: you know yourself, and apparently your best friend knew in
Speaker 1: two seconds if a guy was going to work out
Speaker 1: with you or not, including the story that I just
Speaker 1: told where you showed your best friend a picture of
Speaker 1: a tender date that you had and she was like,
Speaker 1: black guy is gonna be a jerk and totally ghost
Speaker 1: to And guess what, that guy was totally a jerk
Speaker 1: and ghost to do. How the hell did she know that?
Speaker 1: I wish I knew. She has done it more times,
Speaker 1: honestly than I can count, and I don't know how
Speaker 1: she knows. I literally I will send her a picture
Speaker 1: and she's like, nope, red flags. I'm like, well, it's
Speaker 1: like a picture of him smiling, Like how are you?
Speaker 1: How are you getting that? I will never understand. I
Speaker 1: think we might need to have your friend on this
Speaker 1: podcast to kind of dive into the reason and logic
Speaker 1: behind it. I think, so we have all these dating
Speaker 1: experts on, but truly your best friend is the dating
Speaker 1: expert because she can just see a picture of a
Speaker 1: person be like, no, it's not going to work out,
Speaker 1: or it could be the love of your life. What
Speaker 1: do you think it is? Do you think that she's
Speaker 1: able to read the men really well or do you
Speaker 1: think it's just that she knows you really well. I
Speaker 1: think she just knows me, and I think she knows
Speaker 1: when I'm going beneath me, and she's just like, you
Speaker 1: can come on. And I think, you know, sometimes your
Speaker 1: friends just know if you're taking it too easy on yourself,
Speaker 1: and it's like, just push yourself out there, like stop
Speaker 1: sticking with the same person that you know it's not
Speaker 1: gonna work. How long have you guys been best friends
Speaker 1: for since fifth grade? Oh? Wow, long times? So she
Speaker 1: definitely doesn't know you very very well. Oh yeah, what's
Speaker 1: she doing it back in middle school and everything to like,
Speaker 1: you would have a crush on a on a boy
Speaker 1: in middle school or something, and she would kind of
Speaker 1: talk you out of it. I think the best thing
Speaker 1: about us is that we have complete opposite taste, so
Speaker 1: we've never had an issue of like the same guy.
Speaker 1: It's always been complete opposites. And I think that's why
Speaker 1: we get along so well and why we can tell
Speaker 1: each other everything because there's no conflicting interests ever. But yeah,
Speaker 1: in middle school, we were you know, we would talk
Speaker 1: about guys all the time. I mean that recess, you know,
Speaker 1: every day, It's what girls do in middle school. And
Speaker 1: I don't know. That's how we bonded. So, Ali, you
Speaker 1: also said that you suck at dating. Now, granted, my
Speaker 1: whole theory is that we all suck at dating no
Speaker 1: other whether we're married single in a relationship doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: because I can tell you I'm married, and I promise
Speaker 1: you my wife would say I suck at dating. So Ali,
Speaker 1: what do you think you suck at dating at? I
Speaker 1: don't know. I think going into relationship is just scary,
Speaker 1: you know. I think taking that leap and really putting
Speaker 1: all your trust in somebody is a scary thing to do,
Speaker 1: and especially if you have those doubts is this the
Speaker 1: right person to really, you know, give everything to. It's
Speaker 1: it's hard, and um, I think that's where a lot
Speaker 1: of the issues stem from. For me especially, It's just
Speaker 1: you know, putting that trust in someone when you had
Speaker 1: that trust broken so many times already. Yeah, it's scary.
Speaker 1: It's not easy, especially right now during like coming out
Speaker 1: of this pandemic and then having to like re enter society.
Speaker 1: It's a crazy time to start dating right now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's crazy. And I'm a single mom, so I actually
Speaker 1: have a three year old daughter. So we've had our
Speaker 1: fair share of you know, broken trust and all of that.
Speaker 1: So I think that's where, especially now it's gotten worse,
Speaker 1: where my issues are. Where do you live, Alle? I
Speaker 1: live in Portland, Oregon. Oh nice, nice. Yeah. I wonder
Speaker 1: what the dating scene is like up there. I feel
Speaker 1: like there's a lot of a lot of outdoorsy people
Speaker 1: up there, right, And I'm not out doorsy, so it's
Speaker 1: hard to find hard to find the right the right person. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you gotta have some more interest too. I relate to
Speaker 1: you there, Ali, I am not Outdersey either. Dean is
Speaker 1: very outdoorsy. Uh yeah. Sometimes sometimes guy jumps out of planes.
Speaker 1: He has a he has a van. Okay, live in
Speaker 1: a van. Um. But Ali, I just want to ask
Speaker 1: you now that you brought up that you're a single mom,
Speaker 1: So how is that with dating? You know, we talked
Speaker 1: a lot about this pot on this podcast about you
Speaker 1: know a lot of people struggled dating um when they
Speaker 1: have kids, because it's always like that awkward conversation sometimes
Speaker 1: you have to have and saying hey, you know it's
Speaker 1: not you're not just dating me, but you know I
Speaker 1: also have you know, a kid who I love very much,
Speaker 1: and so you know, there's more that goes into just hey,
Speaker 1: let's kind of hang out and see what happens. So,
Speaker 1: how has your experience been like that? Um with dating? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I think it's it's a hard boundary to
Speaker 1: set because obviously you want a relationship, but you don't
Speaker 1: want to introduce somebody to your kid that in six
Speaker 1: months it's gonna even they get attached, right, So I
Speaker 1: think I think it's a thing where I don't hide it.
Speaker 1: I mean, I know there's some situations where people like
Speaker 1: leave it out until last minute, and I think that's
Speaker 1: just wrong because I don't want a guy to have
Speaker 1: certain expectations and then realize I had a kid and like,
Speaker 1: I obviously she's my priority and I'm not going to
Speaker 1: be able to, you know, drop everything, go on a date.
Speaker 1: I have to you know, get my mom to watch her,
Speaker 1: get a babysitter, like whatever. It's it's not as simple
Speaker 1: as you know, just being able to go out. And
Speaker 1: like I've had guys who the day before, like you
Speaker 1: want to go out some more, I'm like I can't.
Speaker 1: Nobody can watch her, you know. And I think it's
Speaker 1: hard where I have set the boundary where if I
Speaker 1: find somebody it's at least gonna be like a few
Speaker 1: months before I'm going to introduce them to her, because
Speaker 1: I think for kids, it's hard for them to understand,
Speaker 1: especially because her dad's not in the picture. What like
Speaker 1: a dad is, you know? And I don't want her
Speaker 1: to get that attachment and then it just be broken. Well,
Speaker 1: you sound like a great mom, and truly I'm not
Speaker 1: being I'm not saying that, just like trying to be nice.
Speaker 1: That's a very respectful, um thing that you just said.
Speaker 1: And we wish you the best of luck, and thank
Speaker 1: you so much for listening to the podcast, and thank
Speaker 1: you so much for coming on. Are you gonna be no?
Speaker 1: Thank you? Thanks Ali, see you later. Yeah, by Alie.
Speaker 1: So starting interrupt really quick. Is Diana your friend? She's
Speaker 1: now in the waiting room, Yes she is? Okay, Oh interesting,
Speaker 1: So Diana is the fortune telling friend? Is that right? Yes? Hi?
Speaker 1: Hi Diana, Hi Diana. Great to meet you, guys. Oh,
Speaker 1: the pleasure is all our You're the one who with
Speaker 1: the with the crystal ball over here telling your your
Speaker 1: friend Ali over here. Who's good for her? Who's not
Speaker 1: good for her? Well, it's like pretty easy to tell
Speaker 1: most of the guys, Diana, we gotta know what's what's
Speaker 1: your method to uh deciphering who is and who isn't
Speaker 1: good enough or like and what they're gonna do with
Speaker 1: such great, uh an enormous accuracy. Like Ali was saying,
Speaker 1: you said that some guy was going to take around
Speaker 1: a date and then ghost through after the day, and
Speaker 1: that's exactly what happened. So how do you kind of
Speaker 1: nail it in so so accurately? You just like likes
Speaker 1: guys who are kind of douche bags, So like, I
Speaker 1: feel like it's kind of easy to make that assumption
Speaker 1: with most of them, but not most of them ghost her.
Speaker 1: But this one particular, I think it was just like
Speaker 1: very clear he had douchebag energy. So I like, Diana,
Speaker 1: I like that you're able to just tell by a
Speaker 1: picture if a guy has douche bag energy. I really
Speaker 1: enjoy that it's so easy to tell. Yeah, come on,
Speaker 1: what's what do you think the number one tell tale
Speaker 1: sign is of douchebag energy? Oh, like a gym me
Speaker 1: or selfie or like if they played a sports college,
Speaker 1: that's an immediate red flag for me. Hey, did you
Speaker 1: play a sport in college? I played intermural flag football
Speaker 1: is that it does it. And I didn't play college
Speaker 1: sport either, so I think we're good. We just gotta
Speaker 1: make sure we don't take pictures in front of the gym.
Speaker 1: I played a college sport. There we go. We're gonna.
Speaker 1: This is what we do. We just cause friction and
Speaker 1: friendships over here and help us I get dating. Maybe
Speaker 1: it was me all along. I don't think so. Ali
Speaker 1: and Diana, thank you so much for coming on the podcast.
Speaker 1: We truly appreciate it, and thank you so much for
Speaker 1: responding to the d M and listening to the podcast.
Speaker 1: It means the world to us. Well, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for having us. Glad to be here. Thank you,
Speaker 1: Thank you guys so much. Podcast. Hey, maybe next time
Speaker 1: you come on the podcast, you'll suck just a little
Speaker 1: bit less. We're going. First of all, you don't know me.
Speaker 1: We're all about that high school drama. Girl drama girl,
Speaker 1: all about them high school queens and forever. We'll take
Speaker 1: you for a ride at our comic girl sharing father
Speaker 1: Right Drama Queens girl fashion much. You're tough, girl, you
Speaker 1: can sit with us. Girl Drama Queens Drawn Mcqueens Drama
Speaker 1: Queen's Drama John mc queen's Drama Queens. Hey, this is
Speaker 1: Bethany joy Lynn and Sophia Bush and Hilary Burton and
Speaker 1: we have a podcast called Drama Queens. I feel like
Speaker 1: it's a walk down memory lane that also might be
Speaker 1: a little bit of a stumble down memory lane. I
Speaker 1: mean we'll have cocktails sometimes, so we might leave stumbling.
Speaker 1: I'm good with that. There are no fans like One
Speaker 1: Tree Hill fans. There is no family like our family.
Speaker 1: So we got together to do a rewatch podcast to
Speaker 1: relive the show as so many of you have so
Speaker 1: many times, because to be honest, we haven't Yeah, we
Speaker 1: haven't seen it since two thousand and two, two thousand three.
Speaker 1: We can't wait to take this trip down memory lane
Speaker 1: with all of you. What would our characters be doing
Speaker 1: right now? I think Hayley would probably be I mean,
Speaker 1: she's got to be close to an empty nuster now
Speaker 1: right like um Jamie's out of the house. She might
Speaker 1: she might be finally ready to live out those wild
Speaker 1: years that she you know what I mean, I think
Speaker 1: it might be time. I'm going to say a lot
Speaker 1: of therapy. Peyton Sawyer is in so much therapy right now. Well,
Speaker 1: not long ago. I found my vote Brook Davis for
Speaker 1: president pinn. I don't know it's Brook Davis Senator or
Speaker 1: something like that. There's so much cool stuff to imagine
Speaker 1: for them, but before we can go forward, we've got
Speaker 1: to go back to the beginning. You nailed it. Make
Speaker 1: sure you all listen to Drama Queens on the I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio app, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get
Speaker 1: your podcasts. Hey, thanks for listening. Don't forget to leave
Speaker 1: us a review. You can also follow us on Instagram
Speaker 1: at Drama Queens O t h or email us at
Speaker 1: Drama Queens at I heart radio dot com. See you
Speaker 1: next time. We are all about that high school drama Girl,
Speaker 1: Drama Girl, all about them high school queens forever. We'll
Speaker 1: take you for a ride at our comic girl sharing
Speaker 1: for the right drama up girl fashion. But you'll talk.
Speaker 1: You could sit with us girl, John McQueen's John McQueen's
Speaker 1: John McQueen's Drama John McQueen's John Queens. Hey, welcome back
Speaker 1: to the podcast, Dean myself, So another thank you to
Speaker 1: Ali and Diana for joining us on the podcast. That
Speaker 1: was great. And we have another special guest who's on
Speaker 1: the line with this right now. She is the authority
Speaker 1: on how to crush your inner critic so that you
Speaker 1: can live a life of purpose fulfillment and true success.
Speaker 1: It is Dr Elizabeth Lombardo. Doctor. How are you? I
Speaker 1: am well and grateful to be here. We're very grateful
Speaker 1: to have you. So you are. This is I'm not joking,
Speaker 1: this is how they phrased it for me. You are
Speaker 1: America's most trusted celebrity psychologist with over one hundred national
Speaker 1: media interviews. You were on the Today Show, Good Morning America,
Speaker 1: doctor Oz. I don't know why I said that with
Speaker 1: like such a Boston actic accent, doctor as Fox, Business News,
Speaker 1: Wall Street Journal, Forbes, your all over the place. Um,
Speaker 1: so thank you for coming on the podcast. So you
Speaker 1: are a celebrity psychologist. Yes, what do you do exactly?
Speaker 1: What does that mean? You just you only talk to celebrities. Well,
Speaker 1: you don't only talk to celebrities, but I do work
Speaker 1: with a lot of celebrities and professional athletes. Because here's
Speaker 1: the thing, it's not easy being in the limelight all
Speaker 1: the time. Right. You can even go to target without
Speaker 1: people watching you, taking pictures of you, constantly being scrutinized,
Speaker 1: and a lot of times people think, once you've quote
Speaker 1: made it, once you have the money, the fame, the fortune,
Speaker 1: then you should have no problems at all. And yet
Speaker 1: there are unique problems and issues that celebrities and professional
Speaker 1: athletes face. And so that's what I specialize in. Sorry,
Speaker 1: Dean just logged off. He'll he'll be back in a second.
Speaker 1: Sometimes his WiFi comes to goo offend him. Probably he
Speaker 1: was like, excuse me, I'm very famous. I don't know
Speaker 1: why you don't famous for this? Yeah, apparently. Um no,
Speaker 1: I I totally agree with you. You know, there's so
Speaker 1: many different, um problems that a lot of people have
Speaker 1: in this world, and like you said, with celebrity status
Speaker 1: and someone who's like had a small, small, small sliver
Speaker 1: of it. Um, it is crazy because you are truly
Speaker 1: under a microscope and everything that you say and do
Speaker 1: can be used against you. Uh, not just in the
Speaker 1: court of law, but in the court of public opinion,
Speaker 1: which is very important. Um. And it's pretty sure people
Speaker 1: have opinions now right that really it's and it's their own,
Speaker 1: it's their own stuff that they're just putting out on
Speaker 1: other people. They're unhappy. So they're putting other people down.
Speaker 1: They're gonna put down the people who are more successful
Speaker 1: because it helps them theoretically feel better about themselves. It
Speaker 1: doesn't really, but they think it will. Yeah, Um, I agree,
Speaker 1: and like to make it a little bit timely. Uh.
Speaker 1: You know, Chris Harrison from The Bachelor franchises no longer
Speaker 1: with the show, and you know, I'm not saying my
Speaker 1: opinion about this, but one thing that I did want
Speaker 1: to say, we we've talked about it on the podcast
Speaker 1: extensively last week, was a lot of people are saying, hey,
Speaker 1: Chris Harrison has a position of power and because of
Speaker 1: the thing is that he said his position of power
Speaker 1: needed to be taken away. But it's hard because that
Speaker 1: position of power that people want to say is his job.
Speaker 1: And so I feel like that kind of relates as well.
Speaker 1: We don't have to get into it because I know
Speaker 1: it's like a really uh you know, very sensitive topic,
Speaker 1: but that was something that was just on my head. Um,
Speaker 1: But you're also you also describe how you're on a
Speaker 1: mission to help recognize your real self worth, which helps
Speaker 1: you live the life that you've always dreamed of. So
Speaker 1: how can people out there really uh realize their self
Speaker 1: worth because I mean, so many of my friends and
Speaker 1: so many people you probably know, they just you know,
Speaker 1: they're always down on themselves and it's hard to really
Speaker 1: kind of figure out, Hey, listen, I'm worth it. So
Speaker 1: how can people do that? Yeah, and it's not just
Speaker 1: do I have high self worth or low self worth?
Speaker 1: It's not just the quantitative, but I would say it's
Speaker 1: also be qualitative, meaning what kind of self worth are
Speaker 1: you focused on? So, as a society, people tend to
Speaker 1: have what I call conditional self worth. Conditional self worth
Speaker 1: means I believe in myself if and only if certain
Speaker 1: external circumstances are met, and those external circumstances vary from
Speaker 1: person in person, So it maybe if and only if
Speaker 1: I get a certain number of likes on social media,
Speaker 1: if people compliment me, if I look a certain way,
Speaker 1: if I make a certain amount of money, and so
Speaker 1: they're constantly determining how to view themselves according to how
Speaker 1: other people react, what's going on in the outside world.
Speaker 1: And when we do that, it's almost like being on
Speaker 1: a treadmill. Right, you take a step forward, but eventually
Speaker 1: you got to take another step, another step, another step,
Speaker 1: and you get nowhere. So the goal is to really
Speaker 1: have what I call unconditional self worth. Unconditional self worth
Speaker 1: means you believe in yourself regardless now that in a
Speaker 1: narcissistic I'm better than your sort of way, but just
Speaker 1: based on your values, based on your course strengths, who
Speaker 1: you are, being comfortable in your own skin, so that
Speaker 1: not only can you be happier within you, but then
Speaker 1: you share that with other people. Because people who have
Speaker 1: conditional self worthy, I only feel good about myself if
Speaker 1: they're the ones who are putting other people down. Are
Speaker 1: putting other people down and feel better about themselves. There's
Speaker 1: the ones who have come from this wind lose mentality.
Speaker 1: If I win, then you lose, but if you win,
Speaker 1: then I lose, and so there's this constant competition that
Speaker 1: they have. When we have unconditional subworth, we can just
Speaker 1: believe in ourselves for who we are. We can take
Speaker 1: feedback and it doesn't feel like a personal attack on us.
Speaker 1: We can we can listen to and decide what we
Speaker 1: want to do with it. But it's that notion where
Speaker 1: I'm good regardless of how other people react towards me.
Speaker 1: So I've got a question for you. Then, So on
Speaker 1: that note, I how do I differentiate between unconditional self
Speaker 1: worth and being critical to the point where I'm trying
Speaker 1: to improve myself because I think that I've got self
Speaker 1: worth pretty down for myself, but I'm so critical of myself,
Speaker 1: you know, like I do something dumb or make a mistake,
Speaker 1: and I like, in my head, my internal monologue is like, oh,
Speaker 1: you idiot, you mess that up so bad, like blah
Speaker 1: blah blah. But I say that because I know that
Speaker 1: I can do better, and it's like kind of an
Speaker 1: encouragement for me to do better next time. So how
Speaker 1: do I kind of differentiate between those two things? So
Speaker 1: is that notion the spirit of continuous improvement, Like, Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm good and I can keep getting better. And so
Speaker 1: that that that talk, that internal dialogue that you have,
Speaker 1: does it motivate you or does it push you down
Speaker 1: and make you feel bad about yourself? So really the
Speaker 1: barometer there would be how does it feel when you
Speaker 1: have those internal conversations. If it feels encouraging and motivating
Speaker 1: kind of in a drill sergeant, you know you're gonna
Speaker 1: do better kind of way, great, If it feels like
Speaker 1: I feel really down about myself, then you may want
Speaker 1: to address that inner critic. That makes sense, That makes
Speaker 1: a lot of sense. Yeah, I guess I've to just
Speaker 1: kind of close loop on that. I've never really gotten
Speaker 1: down on myself for it, but I just like, I'll
Speaker 1: like say things out lot sometimes and my friends will
Speaker 1: hear me and they're like, who, man, Like, you need
Speaker 1: to be less harsh on yourself, And I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: I need to be harder on myself. I don't know, well,
Speaker 1: you know. And again it's it's drill sergeant versus versus
Speaker 1: cheerleader mentality. Right, Both a drill sergeant who yells and
Speaker 1: put someone down versus a cheerleader who encourages them. The
Speaker 1: ultimate goal for both is the same, for that person
Speaker 1: to be better. Right. So some people respond better to
Speaker 1: a little more harsh because it does motivate them. Some
Speaker 1: people that kind of inner dialogue put some way down,
Speaker 1: they feel, you know, down depressed, they can't they can't
Speaker 1: do anything. So it really is determined by the individual.
Speaker 1: I'm like, Dean, I'm I'm very much a drill short
Speaker 1: sergeant in my own head. Um, But my question is,
Speaker 1: how do how do you achieve unconditional self worth? Because
Speaker 1: I completely agree with you, but I'm sure, like myself
Speaker 1: so many people out there, it just almost feels impossible
Speaker 1: to achieve because it's no matter how many times I
Speaker 1: tell myself I can do what I can do. I
Speaker 1: like I'm worth it, I can do this like, there's
Speaker 1: always a pretty decent sized voice in the back of
Speaker 1: my head saying probably not. You probably can't do it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So here's the thing. You did not come out of
Speaker 1: your mama's womb thinking I'm not good enough, I can't
Speaker 1: do this. Right, that was learned. Anything learned can be
Speaker 1: unlearned and relearned. But if you created a habit, which
Speaker 1: is what these thoughts are, right, they kind of beating
Speaker 1: yourself up thoughts, they have become habit. Once you create
Speaker 1: a habit, it takes more than one practice to undo it.
Speaker 1: So my grandmother, she was a psychiatric nurse, but she
Speaker 1: was also a very a very good piano player. And
Speaker 1: even though she never graduated from university, she taught a
Speaker 1: course um in college called how to play the Piano
Speaker 1: despite years of practice. So think about that, how to
Speaker 1: play the piano despite years of practice. So what she
Speaker 1: do is she would work with her her students. She
Speaker 1: would get rid of the habits that they had developed.
Speaker 1: She would help them get rid of the ones that
Speaker 1: didn't work. She would teach them the ones that do work,
Speaker 1: and then they would practice the habits that work. So,
Speaker 1: if you get rid of what isn't working for you,
Speaker 1: some of that inner dialogue that's beating you up, at
Speaker 1: the same time, learn the skills of how to rewire
Speaker 1: your brain, of how to approach things differently, and you
Speaker 1: practice that over and over and over again. Then what
Speaker 1: you're doing is you're rewiring your brain so that that
Speaker 1: becomes your new normal. It doesn't happen overnight. It's a process.
Speaker 1: But you also didn't learn this inner critic overnight. Do
Speaker 1: you have an example of, like, what's the first step
Speaker 1: someone can take in order to start on learning those things,
Speaker 1: Because I think the the you know, enacting those things
Speaker 1: is the most difficult part, right just like in life,
Speaker 1: like whenever hey, I want to get back in shape,
Speaker 1: the most difficult thing is actually go into the gym.
Speaker 1: Like you know, once you're there, you're fine, but it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: I gotta force myself. So what is something somebody can
Speaker 1: do to force themselves saying hey, I this is how
Speaker 1: I can re teach myself. Yeah, great question. And and
Speaker 1: on top of that, scientist say, we have about sixty
Speaker 1: thousand thoughts racing through our head every single day bucks.
Speaker 1: I don't even think I could count from one to
Speaker 1: sixty and you know the time that I'm awake. So
Speaker 1: all of these thoughts are racing through our head. We
Speaker 1: don't even know we're having them. So the first step
Speaker 1: is actually to realize what you're saying to yourself, right,
Speaker 1: realize when that inner critic is getting so loud because
Speaker 1: it's it's for a lot of people, it's almost like
Speaker 1: background music, like you don't really notice it until someone says, oh,
Speaker 1: do you hear that song? You're like, oh, yeah, it's
Speaker 1: been playing this whole time. So one of the ways
Speaker 1: to realize when you're having these thoughts that aren't helpful
Speaker 1: to you, or what I call red flags and red
Speaker 1: flag three different red flags. And when you have these,
Speaker 1: what I want you to do is stop and ask yourself, wait,
Speaker 1: what am I saying to myself? So the first red
Speaker 1: flag is when you have emotions you don't want you notice,
Speaker 1: you're feeling angry or anxious, or worried or overwhelmed, depressed,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Those emotions are caused by a thought,
Speaker 1: so we stop and say what am I saying to myself?
Speaker 1: Second red flag are are physiological, right, physical symptoms. Some
Speaker 1: some people notice maybe butterflies in their and their stomach.
Speaker 1: I noticed when I walk by the mirror and my
Speaker 1: ears on my shoulders have become one because there's so
Speaker 1: much tension in my neck. That's my red flag. So
Speaker 1: looking at what your body is saying to some people
Speaker 1: get sweaty palms, or some people kind of get put
Speaker 1: with blotchy face or racing heart rate. Stop and ask
Speaker 1: yourself what am I saying to myself right now that
Speaker 1: may be causing this? And then the third red flag
Speaker 1: our behaviors you don't want to do. So when you
Speaker 1: notice yourself, I don't know, being more irritable with a
Speaker 1: love one. When you notice yourself if you wanted to
Speaker 1: go to the gym, and you notice yourself avoiding a
Speaker 1: procrastinated going to the gym, red flag? What am I
Speaker 1: saying to myself that may be causing that? Because we
Speaker 1: have to know what you're saying to yourself in order
Speaker 1: to change it. There's been many days where I go
Speaker 1: to the gym and sit in my car for real
Speaker 1: good twenty five minutes just scrolling through my phone and
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, just get in there, just go, just go,
Speaker 1: just go, just go, just do it. And then it
Speaker 1: takes about twenty minutes finally get in there. How long
Speaker 1: do you work out? I know, I'm, I'm it's maybe
Speaker 1: I'm dramatizing it, but it's probably a good five minutes.
Speaker 1: And then when you're in your head for five minutes,
Speaker 1: it feels like twenty. Um. Well, Dr, thank you so much. Now,
Speaker 1: we do have some emails, So every week we have
Speaker 1: emailers that email us in that listen to the podcast
Speaker 1: and ask questions, and so I love if you could
Speaker 1: stick around and help us answer some of those questions. Excellent,
Speaker 1: I love to all Right, cool, we're gonna take a
Speaker 1: quick break, and then when we're back to Dean's favorite
Speaker 1: segment of the podcast with Dark Lombardo, all right, Dr
Speaker 1: e Well, thank you. But before we get to emails,
Speaker 1: we just want to tell you guys about Zero because
Speaker 1: summer just got absolutely crazy with color. Crazy bunch of
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Speaker 1: more more about the hottest toys for summer to keep
Speaker 1: you cool. All right, welcome back to help I suck
Speaker 1: at dating myself, Dean, and we have Dr Elizabeth Lombardo,
Speaker 1: who's going to help us answer your wonderful emails again.
Speaker 1: Please email us. It is my favorite part of the podcast.
Speaker 1: It is, more importantly, Dean's favorite part of the podcast,
Speaker 1: the only reason he shows up. So Dean, where can
Speaker 1: the people emails. Oh, Jared, that's a great question. Let
Speaker 1: me tell them where they can email us. That email
Speaker 1: is I suck at dating at I heart media dot com.
Speaker 1: One more time for the listeners, I suck at dating
Speaker 1: at ihart media dot com. Please email us please, it's
Speaker 1: it's but I need Dean on this podcast and he
Speaker 1: said he's only gonna stick around if an email us.
Speaker 1: So yeah, well we got. We got a couple of
Speaker 1: emails this week, which is great. Uh. We have one
Speaker 1: from Christian and one from our good friend Nick by
Speaker 1: all a k A. Anonymous mark. If you're out there
Speaker 1: in the wide world Web, Worldwide Web, would you mind
Speaker 1: please jumping in and reading this email for us? I can, Yes, indeed,
Speaker 1: from Christian. My fiancee and I are getting married in September.
Speaker 1: We're happy and love. We get along really well. We've
Speaker 1: had maybe three fights in the four years have been together,
Speaker 1: all of which have been focused around his bad habits,
Speaker 1: one of which is porn. At first, I was really
Speaker 1: disappointed when I learned he watched it. For the most part,
Speaker 1: it is considered normal, so I learned to accept that
Speaker 1: part of him and not push the issue further. However,
Speaker 1: recently I could feel in my gut that something wasn't right,
Speaker 1: so I did something I should never do. I looked
Speaker 1: at his phone. Now I know that he would never
Speaker 1: physically cheat on me, and I didn't find evidence of that,
Speaker 1: thank god. However, I did see that he's been searching
Speaker 1: girls names on Instagram and all of them have explicit
Speaker 1: content in their profiles. And on Snapchat he was following
Speaker 1: an explicit females content, which is the same person he
Speaker 1: sent a follow request to on Instagram. He isn't liking
Speaker 1: the pictures, but it just doesn't seem like something a
Speaker 1: loving fiance would do. So my question is, should I
Speaker 1: be word that he likes to view and follow other
Speaker 1: girls posting explicit content or should I just let it go?
Speaker 1: Oh that's uh, that's a loaded question, as they usually are.
Speaker 1: I kind of think I kind of think it's it's
Speaker 1: teetering to the side of being a bad thing, because, yes,
Speaker 1: while porn has been normalized over the past couple of decades,
Speaker 1: I think going out of the way to follow them
Speaker 1: on like social media, that's a little that's a little uh,
Speaker 1: that's crossing a line in my opinion, And again, I
Speaker 1: could be swayed either direction. I just my gut tells
Speaker 1: me that it's is a bit of an issue in
Speaker 1: my opinion. Um, I well, Dr, why don't you go
Speaker 1: first and then I'll give my opinion. Ryan. Now, it's
Speaker 1: a huge red flag just because he hasn't been caught
Speaker 1: having a physical relationship with someone else. This is an
Speaker 1: emotional fair. These are multiple emotional affairs. If he's doing
Speaker 1: this now when you know he's you, you're usually on
Speaker 1: your best behavior when you're dating. I don't even want
Speaker 1: to think about what's gonna happen if you get married.
Speaker 1: Huge red flag. I say, But okay, Dr, let's can
Speaker 1: we say this that can we can we encourage you're
Speaker 1: taking in front him about it and then kind of
Speaker 1: see how things unfold from there. Do you think she
Speaker 1: just get up and pack her bags and go out
Speaker 1: right away? We certainly have a conversation with him. I mean,
Speaker 1: and again, this is an emotional bear that he's having.
Speaker 1: So how do we know that? Well, if he's being dishonest, Um,
Speaker 1: he's lying about it, and is this something he says, Hey,
Speaker 1: why don't you pursue your own interests outside the bedroom
Speaker 1: between the two of us, also know he's doing this
Speaker 1: behind her back. Um, he's not being open and honest. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would definitely have a conversation with him, But it
Speaker 1: sounds like, given what she said, um, that you know,
Speaker 1: this has been a habit. This is not something new,
Speaker 1: So it's a huge red flag. I would not jump
Speaker 1: into this marriage right now. I would definitely take a
Speaker 1: step back to have a conversation and see what's gonna happen.
Speaker 1: I'm definitely leading towards the doctor's advice here. Listen, porn
Speaker 1: is normal, like I every once in a while if
Speaker 1: you watch it, like I get it right, you know,
Speaker 1: but this seems like an addiction because you've had fights
Speaker 1: about it. You guys did for four years, and the
Speaker 1: only fight you've had about that you guys had in
Speaker 1: your relationship is about his you know, watching porn, which
Speaker 1: seems like it's not like just like a random, hey,
Speaker 1: once a month thing or whatever. It's it seems like
Speaker 1: he's doing this on a consistent level. To the point,
Speaker 1: like you said, he's following girls on Instagram who have
Speaker 1: explicit content and on Snapchat. Um, it's just seems like
Speaker 1: it might be an addiction for him, and it's something
Speaker 1: that you should confront totally before you decide to get married,
Speaker 1: because once you get married, it could get a lot messier.
Speaker 1: So this is something that Christian, if I are you,
Speaker 1: I would confront. I don't think you should let this go.
Speaker 1: I think you should let him know that this is
Speaker 1: a big issue for you, one that could potentially end
Speaker 1: the relationship if he's not willing to UM change in
Speaker 1: some way and dr see if you agree with this. UM.
Speaker 1: I feel like you know, we're saying porn is normal.
Speaker 1: I feel like every relationship is different. So just because
Speaker 1: somebody tells you something is normal, don't ignore it. If
Speaker 1: it bothers you. If it's something that bothers you, it's
Speaker 1: time to talk about it. Don't say all my friends
Speaker 1: that's normal, or society said this normal. If it bothers
Speaker 1: you, you you got to talk about it. Everybody is different. Absolutely, Yeah,
Speaker 1: normal is relative, right what your normal is in person?
Speaker 1: And we're not just talking about watching porn. We're talking
Speaker 1: about following different women that that's that's different here. So
Speaker 1: there are a couple of different layers of what's going on.
Speaker 1: But absolutely, just because someone says it's normal doesn't mean
Speaker 1: it means to be your normal. If it's not comfortable
Speaker 1: for you. Red flag, listen to your gut, because so
Speaker 1: often people don't and then they end up getting divorced
Speaker 1: a couple of years later. You don't need to do that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And and like I said at the top of it,
Speaker 1: I was I was teetering either direction after hearing your
Speaker 1: guys arguments. I fully am on board what you guys
Speaker 1: are saying, and i'd like to I'd like to specify
Speaker 1: to the reason, uh in my opinion at least, and
Speaker 1: please anyone correct, jump in and correct me if they
Speaker 1: think I'm wrong here. The reason it becomes a red
Speaker 1: flag once he starts following the social media accounts on
Speaker 1: Instagram and Snapchat is because then it becomes accessible to
Speaker 1: the point where you're in line of the grocery store,
Speaker 1: you're at work, or you're driving your car or something
Speaker 1: like that, and you're just like scrolling through Instagram and
Speaker 1: then you're looking at that you know, explicit explicit content there.
Speaker 1: Then the level of access is too immediate and to you,
Speaker 1: you're just kind of like integrating that into your everyday life.
Speaker 1: And that's when it becomes a big issue in my degree.
Speaker 1: And it's also scary because things escalate you know, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm just watching porn. Oh now I'm just following. Oh
Speaker 1: now I just comment. Oh now I'm just d m NG.
Speaker 1: And it's like, that's what I'd be nervous about the
Speaker 1: escalation of Yeah, I agree, I agree. I think that's great.
Speaker 1: I think that Uh. I want to go ahead and say,
Speaker 1: I think if we were given that email two years ago,
Speaker 1: we would have had much different responses, not because we
Speaker 1: would have felt differently, but just because our advice is
Speaker 1: just especially with doctor, with the doctor here, we are
Speaker 1: just getting insignificantly well, not insurmountably better, significantly better. I
Speaker 1: want to say, I really think it's all credited to
Speaker 1: Dr Elizabeth for joining us. Dr Lombarda. I don't disagree,
Speaker 1: but I just I want to. I want us to
Speaker 1: give ourselves some credit here to conditional self worthy. The
Speaker 1: evolution of Dan and Jared continues. All right, this is anonymous,
Speaker 1: and it canna be a very similar issue. I've been
Speaker 1: geting a guy for over a year now. I love
Speaker 1: him dearly. I know he loves me. We talked about
Speaker 1: plans to get married and spent our lives together. We've
Speaker 1: met all of each other's family and now we lived together.
Speaker 1: I recently went out of town and my boyfriend messaged
Speaker 1: multiple girls as soon as he dropped me off at
Speaker 1: the airport. I found these messages about a week later.
Speaker 1: He tells me nothing came with the messages, and I
Speaker 1: believe him from what I read. I also talked to
Speaker 1: the only girl that applied to him. He said this
Speaker 1: is something he has done on and off throughout our relationship,
Speaker 1: but has never physically cheated on me. Just like knowing
Speaker 1: he could still get attention from girls made and feel good.
Speaker 1: He wants to stay together. He says, he still loves
Speaker 1: me and he wants to move forward from this, but
Speaker 1: I'm not sure how. Please send your advice. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you how. You tell him not to d m other
Speaker 1: girls like I. I mean, I, I don't get this.
Speaker 1: I listen Anonymous, I send you all the love in
Speaker 1: the world. But don't believe him when he says, oh,
Speaker 1: I know nothing was coming from the messages, like I
Speaker 1: just I like getting the attention from women. That's the
Speaker 1: most giant red flag there is. He's not If he
Speaker 1: loves the attention so much, he probably also wants the
Speaker 1: attention not just over DM, but in person. Big red flag.
Speaker 1: I feel like we had a really unique opportunity between
Speaker 1: these two emails to to see Christian's life one year
Speaker 1: in the future, Christian being the first email or who
Speaker 1: emailed us saying this because this is exactly her situation
Speaker 1: in one year of we're gonna dropped off at the
Speaker 1: airport and her boyfriend hopefully her not her husband at
Speaker 1: the time, d M and girls and seeing if he
Speaker 1: can just get the attention of them. And I agree,
Speaker 1: I think that's definitely a red flag. I think that's
Speaker 1: just it's just not not good. I want to hear
Speaker 1: Dr Lombardo's take on it, because I know she's going
Speaker 1: to have a very solid take on this. Well. First
Speaker 1: of all, just because nothing happened doesn't mean it just
Speaker 1: means he was unsuccessful to murder and missing. When you shoot,
Speaker 1: you're not like, oh, so I'm not guilty, completely guilty here.
Speaker 1: So just because he's unsuccessful and getting these women to
Speaker 1: respond or do something doesn't mean that he is innocent here.
Speaker 1: This is a great example of conditional self worth. Right,
Speaker 1: I feel good about myself if and only if or
Speaker 1: if multiple women are interested in me, having conversations with me,
Speaker 1: flirting with me, and he needs that external validation, huge,
Speaker 1: huge red flag. He needs to get some work, he
Speaker 1: needs to get some therapy to address what is going on,
Speaker 1: because here's the thing right now, it's this, But this
Speaker 1: is definitely one of those things where he's gonna need more.
Speaker 1: He's gonna need more, he's gonna need more. And if
Speaker 1: he doesn't address it out, um, he's not even going
Speaker 1: to realize that he's he's relying on these external validation
Speaker 1: from these these other women in order to feel good
Speaker 1: about himself again. This is the beginning of the relationship,
Speaker 1: your your year in. You're supposed to be in your
Speaker 1: best behavior. This is when you're supposed to be most
Speaker 1: in love, right and if if that's not happening, if
Speaker 1: he's dropping you all and texting me right now immediately afterwards,
Speaker 1: he didn't even wait, I gotta I gotta say this too.
Speaker 1: Anonymous at one point near the end of the email,
Speaker 1: says he wants to stay together, says he still loves
Speaker 1: me and wants to move forward from this. This is
Speaker 1: actually one of my biggest gripes with dating in today's
Speaker 1: day and age is people throw the word love around
Speaker 1: all the time, and they don't have the actions to
Speaker 1: back it up. They say it because they like how
Speaker 1: it sounds, they like the implications of it, but they're
Speaker 1: not willing to act like they're actually in love. Uh.
Speaker 1: And we see it all the time with kids, especially kids,
Speaker 1: I want to say, like late teenagers are early twenty
Speaker 1: year olds. He's saying he loves you, but he's not
Speaker 1: acting like he loves you. And that's the biggest issue,
Speaker 1: because someone that actually loves you wouldn't be doing that. Here.
Speaker 1: See others being anonymous that I need you to hear.
Speaker 1: We want you to hear you are worthy of having
Speaker 1: someone who is devoted to you, and that is not
Speaker 1: who this guy is. I know. We all want to
Speaker 1: be in love, right People want to be in relationships.
Speaker 1: We want to be comfortable. We want to have that
Speaker 1: person we can rely on. You cannot rely on him
Speaker 1: right now. So realize that you are worth much more
Speaker 1: than this. If you are being devoted to him. You
Speaker 1: deserve a man who's going to be devoted to you.
Speaker 1: And that's not what you're getting here. It's taking the
Speaker 1: thought process there. Hey, she's going to a town. Let's
Speaker 1: see who can I text? Who can I message? You?
Speaker 1: Can I DM like he's thinking all of that as
Speaker 1: you're as you're driving to the airport. It's not good.
Speaker 1: I can't believe his excuse was, oh, yeah, this is
Speaker 1: something I've done on and off through all my relationships,
Speaker 1: Like what this is his normal? Is very concerned. That's
Speaker 1: a big red flight that this is his normal and anonymous.
Speaker 1: I I agree with the doctor, like he's got a
Speaker 1: lot of things that he needs to work through. And
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that like you guys can't throw them together,
Speaker 1: but things need to change, uh significantly in my opinion.
Speaker 1: And then used to start with him acknowledging that this
Speaker 1: is not okay because he has justified it and he
Speaker 1: is not. He's not saying it's not okay. He's saying
Speaker 1: it's something that he just does. I totally agree. And
Speaker 1: if he doesn't acknowledge that this is something that's not okay,
Speaker 1: then that might be the reason you need to get
Speaker 1: out of the relationship. Well, Dr, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for joining us today. You're the best. We really appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Thank you, I appreciate it, and g thanks you too.
Speaker 1: So make sure everybody goes check out Dr Elizabeth Lombardo.
Speaker 1: You can go to Elizabeth Lombardo dot com for more
Speaker 1: uh information. Do you have Instagram, Twitter all that good stuff?
Speaker 1: Hi Instagram, Dr E b Doctor Dr E. Lombardo, And
Speaker 1: so make sure everybody follow Dr E. Lombardo. Make sure
Speaker 1: you follow Dean Anglers still Deanie Babies. Yeah, thanks, Thanks Terry.
Speaker 1: You follow Mark two, but he's private. You have to
Speaker 1: request him. Uh. And thank you so much for Alyssa,
Speaker 1: Ali and Diana for coming on the podcast today. We
Speaker 1: really appreciate it. That was a lot of fun. Next
Speaker 1: week we're gonna definitely talk about um, the New York
Speaker 1: Times article that we talked about the first to reset
Speaker 1: in your relationship. We have to get to the next five.
Speaker 1: But we just had such a good podcast we didn't
Speaker 1: have time, um to be anything else, buddy, that's right.
Speaker 1: Uh No, I just wanted to thank all the listeners again.
Speaker 1: Thanks Dr E for joining us. Marks always our emailers
Speaker 1: again email us at I suck at Dating at i
Speaker 1: heeart Media dot com. Please please, please thank you all
Speaker 1: for joining us. To be sure to next week where
Speaker 1: maybe we suck just a little bit less. Follow help
Speaker 1: by Suck at Dating on I Heart Radio or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to podcast