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Speaker 1: So when I got attacked, it was very random. Four

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Speaker 1: guys jumped out of a car and just started beating

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Speaker 1: me and my friend and they broke my jaw on

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Speaker 1: my teeth. I was unconscious and I woke up and

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Speaker 1: I screamed, and I screamed because even though I didn't

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Speaker 1: know who I was or where I was, something in

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Speaker 1: me was just like, hold on, wait, they could kill me,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not going to let that happen. This is

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Speaker 1: the greatest story of my life. Everything in my life

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Speaker 1: is before this one night and after this one night.

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Speaker 2: This week, we have Anna Runkle on the podcast. Also

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Speaker 2: known as the Crappy Childhood Fairy. She helps people heal

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Speaker 2: from childhood trauma and teaches powerful tools to build real

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Speaker 2: connection in a world that often feels so disconnected.

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Speaker 1: My parents were alcoholics, and when they got divorced when

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Speaker 1: I was seven, my mom brought in a bunch of

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Speaker 1: people to live there. They were really into drugs and alcohol,

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Speaker 1: and so we were neglected, We were hungry. Sometimes we

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Speaker 1: got very very poor. Talking about trauma isn't always great

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Speaker 1: for people. It's not always the best thing. And I

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Speaker 1: read some statistic that about a third of people who

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Speaker 1: were traumatized, as kids feel worse when they talk about it,

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Speaker 1: get very disregulated. We all, I think, need to express

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Speaker 1: who we are, what we've been through, what we hoped for.

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Speaker 1: And to do that, you can do this with writing.

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Speaker 2: I'm Radi Dvlukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,

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Speaker 2: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space

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Speaker 2: for raw and fielded conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow

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Speaker 2: you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.

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Speaker 2: And I thank you so much for being here today.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so grateful that you're here. I had a

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Speaker 2: vieawful look and insight into your new book, Connectability, and

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Speaker 2: honestly I can say I cannot wait to read the

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Speaker 2: rest like it is such an incredible book. I feel

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Speaker 2: like you've put so much of your own self into it,

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Speaker 2: but also so many incredible tools that are useful for

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Speaker 2: not just people who are struggling, but people who need

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Speaker 2: it every single day. So thank you so much for

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Speaker 2: the work that you do, and I'm so excited to

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Speaker 2: have you here.

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Speaker 1: Thank you.

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Speaker 2: Before we get into your book and the work that

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Speaker 2: you do, I kind of want to scroll all the

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Speaker 2: way back to the beginning of why you started doing

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Speaker 2: what you're doing.

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Speaker 3: I would love to hear your background story.

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Speaker 1: You know, isn't it strange? Who knew?

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Speaker 2: Well?

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Speaker 1: I grew up in a commune in Berkeley. Okay, it

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Speaker 1: wasn't always a commune. It started out kind of normal,

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Speaker 1: and my parents were alcoholics. And when they got divorced

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Speaker 1: when I was seven, my mom like brought in a

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Speaker 1: bunch of people to live there, and like a lot,

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Speaker 1: like fourteen people in our house, and they were really

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Speaker 1: into drugs and alcohol, and it was like the era

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Speaker 1: of free love, and a lot of the grown ups

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Speaker 1: testing out the idea that you know, all this like

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Speaker 1: family parenting thing was just like the man or something,

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Speaker 1: and they needed to get free, and they would just

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Speaker 1: abandon their duties. So sometimes my grandparents swooped in and

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Speaker 1: took care of us, and sometimes neighbors took us in.

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Speaker 1: In those days, they didn't report. But my mom was

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Speaker 1: just like she was just like living a youth that

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Speaker 1: she didn't get to have. Wow. Yeah, And so we

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Speaker 1: were neglected. We were hungry. Sometimes we got very very poor,

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Speaker 1: didn't you know welfare food stamps, but the welfare money

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Speaker 1: would to cigarettes and alcohol, so we had to be

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Speaker 1: very resourceful as kids.

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Speaker 2: And I know you started a YouTube channel called Crappy Child's.

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Speaker 2: I was wondering where that name came from, and yeah,

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Speaker 2: what the context is of that?

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Speaker 1: Well, so, okay, people my age will remember this cartoon

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Speaker 1: called Fractured Fairy Tales. Okay, and there was this in

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Speaker 1: my memory. She was this stumpy little fairy who she

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Speaker 1: would come in to introduce each new segment of the cartoon,

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Speaker 1: and she had a wand and she had this frown

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Speaker 1: on her face and I thought she had a cigarette

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Speaker 1: hanging from her lips, but I went and found it

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Speaker 1: on YouTube. No cigarette, but she would just be sort

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Speaker 1: of like, there, there's your wish. And so when I

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Speaker 1: first I had this dream that I had to write

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Speaker 1: this book from when I first recovered thirty years ago.

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Speaker 1: And then in twenty sixteen, I went to Brendan Burchard.

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Speaker 1: I think he's a friend of yours. I went to

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Speaker 1: his He had this four day seminar that he's now

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Speaker 1: organized into a modern format, but it was called Experts Academy.

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Speaker 1: And I just sat there and I was like, just

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Speaker 1: tell me how to take my story and turn it

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Speaker 1: into this. And I thought that it would be a book.

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Speaker 1: It finally is. It turned into a whole lot of

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Speaker 1: other things in between. But originally I gave it this

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Speaker 1: very sanitary name called like Your Healing Year, yep, that

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Speaker 1: I would never want to read a book called that.

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Speaker 1: I just it had to be more fun. And it

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Speaker 1: just came to me one day and I was thinking

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Speaker 1: about this boyfriend. He wasn't even a boyfriend. He was

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Speaker 1: like a thing. Yeah, yeah, it's a little thing. And

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Speaker 1: he just like ghosted me one day, and my friend

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Speaker 1: went to go find out, why haven't you called Anna?

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Speaker 1: And he said, she thinks she's special to me. She's

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Speaker 1: one in thirty to me. And at the time it

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Speaker 1: was like a knife. But by the time I was

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Speaker 1: writing this book, I was just laughing. I was laughing

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Speaker 1: so hard, like what a funny thing to say, And

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Speaker 1: I thought, this needs to be a cartoon, you know,

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Speaker 1: I can't like telling this story in all seriousness. It's

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Speaker 1: just like and then do you know what he said?

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Speaker 1: I couldn't even I was so free already from the

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Speaker 1: pain of the past that just these adventures, you know,

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Speaker 1: seemed whimsical to me. So that's when I thought, this

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Speaker 1: has got to have another name. So I came out

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Speaker 1: in the living room one day and I said, listen,

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Speaker 1: I'm getting a lot of views on YouTube, and I'm

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Speaker 1: going to change the name and it's going to call

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Speaker 1: it Crappy Childhood Fairy. And my sons, who were in

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Speaker 1: high school, they were like, no, Mom, you can't be

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Speaker 1: on YouTube. You can't call you No. YouTube is for

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Speaker 1: people like us. And I was fifty three when I

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Speaker 1: started Crappy Childhood Fairy.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's amazing.

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Speaker 2: And if anybody who doesn't know, that's a very successful

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Speaker 2: YouTube channel where you speak about all your work on there,

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Speaker 2: and the people that I've read the comments from, they

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Speaker 2: just seem like you've really helped change and transform their life.

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Speaker 3: At what point in your life.

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Speaker 2: Did you realize that your childhood and what you went

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Speaker 2: through was affecting your adulthood.

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Speaker 1: Kind Of early on, when I was in college, I

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Speaker 1: went to therapy for the first time, and the therapist

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Speaker 1: was like, you know, you're an adult child of an

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Speaker 1: alcoholic and I read the literature. There was like one

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Speaker 1: book about it then, and I was like, oh, so

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Speaker 1: I am. But it was a very gloomy sort of

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Speaker 1: science and prognosis, and I was really having a hard time.

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Speaker 1: Then I was overfunctioning. I was in so much stress

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Speaker 1: all the time, my body hurt like one hundred and

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Speaker 1: seven pounds, which was like skinny like a model but

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Speaker 1: not healthy, and smoking two packs of cigarettes a day,

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Speaker 1: trying to cope with my emotions. So I ended up

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Speaker 1: going to the twelve step program for families of alcoholics,

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Speaker 1: and it was tremendously helpful. But really what changed my

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Speaker 1: life was before I did that that it just okay,

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Speaker 1: Can I back up? This terrible thing happened. I was

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Speaker 1: sort of handling life up to age thirty. I was

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Speaker 1: holding it together. I was acting normal. I was doing

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Speaker 1: outward things that make you look like life is okay.

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Speaker 1: Then my mom died. I got my heart broken. A

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Speaker 1: little before that, I was very depressed, and I got

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Speaker 1: randomly attacked on the street. And that is funny. It

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Speaker 1: sounds like it's like the first thing that ever happened,

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Speaker 1: but in a weird way, it was the beginning of

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Speaker 1: the good thing coming because I had to find something

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Speaker 1: different and I had not felt good about myself before

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Speaker 1: that day, and for a while afterwards, I didn't feel

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Speaker 1: good about myself. But my mom was the sort of

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Speaker 1: person who would get drunk and say, oh, I should

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Speaker 1: never have had you, and I knew, even when I

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Speaker 1: was six, I knew, Like she doesn't mean it, but

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Speaker 1: it kind of puts a curse on you. It's like

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Speaker 1: this place that I would go every time the going

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Speaker 1: got tough, like I'm not really supposed to be here,

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Speaker 1: and that's a very bad thought. That's like usually what

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Speaker 1: people are thinking when they're thinking of ending their lives.

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Speaker 1: And so when I got attacked, it was very random.

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Speaker 1: Four guys jumped out of a car and just started

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Speaker 1: beating me and my friend and they broke my jaw

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Speaker 1: on my teeth. I was unconscious. Then I woke up

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Speaker 1: and I screamed, and I screamed because even though I

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Speaker 1: didn't know who I was or where I was, something

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Speaker 1: in me was just like, hold on, wait, they could

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Speaker 1: kill me, and I'm not going to let that happen.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: get through this. And I did. But after that happened,

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Speaker 1: I had PTSD. And in those days, they didn't think

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Speaker 1: of PTSD as something that you get from street violence

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Speaker 1: or something like that. They thought of it as like

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Speaker 1: a war thing. So I was never diagnosed. I was

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Speaker 1: the state of California has this generous pot of money

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Speaker 1: for victims of violent crimes, so I was able to

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Speaker 1: go to my therapist three times instead of one time,

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Speaker 1: and I would talk and talk and talk, and she'd go,

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Speaker 1: come on, let's talk again about what happened, what happened

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Speaker 1: your mom, the death, the attack. But I would get

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Speaker 1: so rattled in those sessions. It wasn't take it wasn't

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Speaker 1: going anywhere. It was just like this opening it up

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Speaker 1: the wound, you know, getting all messed up about it.

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Speaker 1: And I'd have to go sit in my car for

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Speaker 1: forty five minutes before I could drive. I was just

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Speaker 1: like shaking afterwards. And at the time, you know, I

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Speaker 1: would just say, I don't know, I just don't think

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Speaker 1: this is going very well. She say, well, it's going

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Speaker 1: to get worse before it gets better. You're processing a

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Speaker 1: lot of deep stuff. And so I went along with that,

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Speaker 1: but it was getting so bad I just couldn't do

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Speaker 1: it anymore. And I told the doctor, and the doctor's like, here,

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Speaker 1: let's put you on Xanax. And so with everything I

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Speaker 1: know now, because now I've done all my research about

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Speaker 1: what is complex PTSD, what was going on with me.

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Speaker 1: I have a lot of answers. I still have questions,

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Speaker 1: but I have a lot of answers. And what I

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Speaker 1: know was talking about the trauma and then taking medications.

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Speaker 1: You know, it was disregulating me. My nervous system was

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Speaker 1: a wreck from talking about it. I couldn't recover, and

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Speaker 1: then taking drugs to calm myself when I was in

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Speaker 1: that state was making it impossible for me to reregulate.

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Speaker 1: Because I find everybody gets disregulated sometimes and almost everybody

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Speaker 1: can get reregulated naturally.

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Speaker 3: Could you chef anybody who doesn't know what complex PTSD.

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Speaker 1: Is, Well, it's the kind of PTSD that can come

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Speaker 1: from chronic, ongoing intense stress. It could happen in adulthood

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Speaker 1: from a w or an abusive relationship, but usually it's

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Speaker 1: from childhood, a lot of abuse and neglect in childhood.

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Speaker 1: And the word for it only got popularized maybe in

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Speaker 1: twenty thirteen twenty fourteen, when Bessel vander Kulch's book came out,

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Speaker 1: The Body Keeps the Score. I happened to buy that

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Speaker 1: when it came out because I was about to get

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Speaker 1: married and I had gotten very emotionally disregulated and freaked out.

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Speaker 1: My fiance and fiance, and I bought the book to

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Speaker 1: find out why do I do that? Why do I

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Speaker 1: self sabotage like that? And I learned I read the

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Speaker 1: symptoms of complex PTSD in for the first time, I

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Speaker 1: knew exactly what I'd had this whole time.

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Speaker 3: Did you say some of those symptoms?

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Speaker 1: Sure, it's well. The core symptom is that you get disregulated.

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Speaker 1: Your nervous system is just not quite doing its job

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Speaker 1: exactly right. And your nervous system is this beautiful part

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Speaker 1: of your body that governs virtually everything but your spirit.

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Speaker 1: It's your metabolism, your digestion, your hormones, your immune system,

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Speaker 1: your movements, your ability to sense temperature and space and

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Speaker 1: to feel emotions and to feel connected to the world.

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Speaker 1: So when that's not quite working properly, it can really

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Speaker 1: throw you off. And once you kind of see what

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Speaker 1: it is, it's one of those things like you see

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Speaker 1: it everywhere. You're like, oh, that's why kids can't learn

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Speaker 1: in school when it's so hard at home. Oh that's

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Speaker 1: why I had such a hard time, you know, trying

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Speaker 1: to go on in dates. There's measurable things that happen.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot that's a mystery. We know that people

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Speaker 1: who have complex or people who had a rough childhood,

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Speaker 1: let's put it that way, they are at such a

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Speaker 1: high risk, much higher risk straight correlation for heart disease, cancer, diabetes, obesity,

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Speaker 1: reproductive disorders, autoimmune disorders, autoimmune disorders especially. But of course,

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Speaker 1: and then the things that we've known for a while,

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Speaker 1: like mental illness, depression, anxiety, difficult relationships, addictions. But it

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Speaker 1: was just like everything, dementia, learning disabilities, memory problems. You know,

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Speaker 1: there's almost nothing that isn't made worse by the history

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Speaker 1: of early trauma. And so to the best they know,

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Speaker 1: it's because of changes in the nervous system that result

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Speaker 1: from that chronic stress, that soup of stress hormones. But

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Speaker 1: also neglect that eye contact and cuddling and you know,

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Speaker 1: intimacy between parent and child that if your parent couldn't

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Speaker 1: give you that, it might have put a dent in

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Speaker 1: your in your neurodevelopment.

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Speaker 2: And how does something you mentioned dysregulation and how does

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Speaker 2: that show up as an adult? What would those what

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Speaker 2: would that look like for someone?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so you feel I think the number one thing

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Speaker 1: is you feel discombobulated, a little off. You wake up

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Speaker 1: in a bad mood. We have all these like sayings

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Speaker 1: for it. I'm having a scenior moment. I woke up

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Speaker 1: on the wrong side of the bed. Yeah you know, yeah,

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Speaker 1: but you do you forget why you walked into the room.

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Speaker 1: You're sort of spacing out too much. You drive somewhere

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Speaker 1: and you don't really remember the journey, the one that

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Speaker 1: other people feel the most and really notice because this

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Speaker 1: one hurts them and it's emotional dysregulation. Lashing out over

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Speaker 1: something that doesn't seem to deserve a big lash out,

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Speaker 1: panicking about something, or rushing into a romance, things like that.

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Speaker 1: All the emotions, they're just like so big, and we

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Speaker 1: live in this culture that's always saying all emotions are good.

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Speaker 1: Feel your feelings, trust your gut. But if you have

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Speaker 1: complex PTSD, that might be advice for your future, but

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Speaker 1: not yet. Your gut is not matched reality yet consistently

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Speaker 1: and under stress. You can see it in the brain.

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Speaker 1: The left front cortex, where reasoning is supposed to be happening,

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Speaker 1: is like darkening, and the right front cortex, where emotion

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Speaker 1: is happening, is lighting up. So it's very emotional, not

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Speaker 1: very reasonable, And that's how people perceive emotional dysregulation from

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Speaker 1: the outside, you're being unreasonable.

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Speaker 2: And you mentioned obviously we get that sometimes it can

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Speaker 2: throw you off for a day, but if someone is

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Speaker 2: experiencing that for a long period of time, yeah, how

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Speaker 2: do you know the difference between oh, I'm just having

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Speaker 2: a bad day versus if someone's been going through it

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Speaker 2: for a while, they'll feel like this is just my normality,

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Speaker 2: Like this is how do you observe yourself in that way?

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Speaker 2: Or what are some tools that people can use to

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Speaker 2: really know what questions they could ask to think, oh,

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Speaker 2: is this actually happening to me?

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Speaker 3: Because I think sometimes you can be numb to it,

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Speaker 3: can't you.

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Speaker 1: Most of us took it personally. We just thought I'm

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Speaker 1: just some sort of defective person. Right, it gets very

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Speaker 1: weirded out by things that nobody else does, but it's

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Speaker 1: not nobody else. The great thing about like sharing my

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Speaker 1: experience on YouTube was all of a sudden, thousands of

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Speaker 1: people came back at me and said, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: you've just described what it's like to be me. I've

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Speaker 1: never heard that before, And now I know, like I'm

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Speaker 1: not alone, and now we know, I mean, now that

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Speaker 1: we know it's normal, we have normal symptoms for something

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Speaker 1: abnormal that happened. It's normal, and the great news is

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Speaker 1: it can be healed yeap. But my whole life is

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Speaker 1: about that. I used to listen to a lot of

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Speaker 1: Negati messages about like you're just trying to recreate your

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Speaker 1: childhood or you know, yeah, it's going to be very

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Speaker 1: hard before it gets better. Yeah, just kind of this

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Speaker 1: whole like taking on this heavy identity of like, well,

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Speaker 1: I was abused and I'm one of the abused people,

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Speaker 1: and without having to deny that or stuff it down

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Speaker 1: or pretend or wear a mask, I've learned how I

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Speaker 1: can process that experience and have a nice fresh nervous

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Speaker 1: system and perspective on my life and be able to

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Speaker 1: have a new day every day. And what I've been

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Speaker 1: through in the past makes me wise rather than broken.

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Speaker 3: Walk me through that.

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Speaker 2: So you said therapy wasn't something that helped you, but

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Speaker 2: could you give me some tools that did actually help

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Speaker 2: you get to a place from feeling like you're repeating

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Speaker 2: that negative feeling over and over again to being someone

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Speaker 2: who feels empowered by it.

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Speaker 1: So therapy, as we know it works for a lot

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Speaker 1: of people, and talk therapy is sort of like the

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Speaker 1: gold standard. I think that's shifting right now because finally,

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Speaker 1: you know the but like me are coming out and

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Speaker 1: vocalizing and yeah, that didn't work for me. And a

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Speaker 1: lot there's this resistance to admitting that that talking about

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Speaker 1: trauma isn't always great for people. It's not always the

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Speaker 1: best thing. And I read some statistic that about a

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Speaker 1: third of people who were traumatized as kids feel worse

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Speaker 1: when they talk about it, get very disregulated. So we all,

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Speaker 1: I think, need to express who we are, what we've

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Speaker 1: been through, what we hope for, Like we need to

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Speaker 1: express ourselves and be our real selves above everything. Like

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Speaker 1: that's really the goal is to bring our unique gifts

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Speaker 1: into the world. And to do that sometimes this has

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Speaker 1: to be talked about and somebody's got to validate you.

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Speaker 1: But you know how you can do it. You can

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Speaker 1: do this with writing. Writing is a different neural pathway,

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Speaker 1: and for many people it's a lot the triggers are

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Speaker 1: not just standing there waiting to throw you back into

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Speaker 1: disregulation and get your cortisol and adrenaline going because you

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Speaker 1: talked about what happened. And so that's this funny thing.

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Speaker 1: Like I make YouTube videos and sometimes I'm but if

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Speaker 1: I'm want to talk about something really hard, it's totally

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Speaker 1: scripted and it's on a prompter. And luckily I'm very

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Speaker 1: good at it. I don't think I don't barely people

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Speaker 1: can tell. But I can read a script that I

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Speaker 1: wrote about what I want to say about my experience

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Speaker 1: and I'm fine. Yeah. I tried EMDR. That's a form

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Speaker 1: of therapy eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing.

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Speaker 3: What is that?

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Speaker 1: It's a technique that was A woman figured it out

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Speaker 1: walking down the street and she was looking around and

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Speaker 1: she realized she felt better after being sad. I think

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Speaker 1: she was a researcher at there. I don't know. She

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Speaker 1: was in a position to help us understand this, and

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Speaker 1: it ended up being adopted by the Veterans Association Administration

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Speaker 1: for the Treatment of Intense PTSD. Like it's clinically validated

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Speaker 1: to be quite effective for many things. Nothing is ever

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Speaker 1: like the panacea. But I tried it. I was offered.

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Speaker 1: I was offered some help from this guy who normally

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Speaker 1: just treated homeless vets who were addicts in San Francisco.

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Speaker 1: But I met him at a party. I was going

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Speaker 1: through a really hard time. I had very bad PTSD

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Speaker 1: and he said, I have I could help you with this.

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Speaker 1: I can see by the way your eyes are moving

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Speaker 1: around you have trauma. And I said, really, yeah, my

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Speaker 1: partner just died. And he said, well, I'll give you

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Speaker 1: some sessions of EMDR. And I said, I've always wanted that,

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Speaker 1: but let me tell you. It's two thousand and eight.

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Speaker 1: I have no money. You know, everybody was out of

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Speaker 1: work that year, and I was a single mom. He said,

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Speaker 1: that's all right, you're a friend of our meditation teacher.

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Speaker 1: We had the same meditation teacher. It was his birthday,

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Speaker 1: and so he gave me five sessions and like a

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Speaker 1: whole bunch of adult trauma, just the assault, very difficult birth,

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Speaker 1: you know, five things that have been hard for me

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Speaker 1: were just like all the charge was taken out of

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Speaker 1: them in five single sessions. So that was amazing. So

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Speaker 1: then I tried it for like childhood stuff. No go.

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Speaker 1: That's one of the things that is known about it.

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Speaker 1: It's less effective for trauma that happened earlier. Because whatever

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Speaker 1: trauma does to you very early, like before you can speak,

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Speaker 1: it's of a different nature. You don't have access to

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Speaker 1: the memory necessarily, but there's some sort of squirrely thing

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Speaker 1: that goes on inside when it is triggered. And when

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Speaker 1: I say trigger, I just want to say it, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean a stimulus that prompts justsregulation.

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Speaker 2: Right, And do you think you have to go backwards

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Speaker 2: to be able to really move forward? Like do you

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Speaker 2: think if you've gone through trauma, whether it's a veteran,

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Speaker 2: whether it's someone who's gone through childhood, do you think

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Speaker 2: someone has to go back and unlock that and look

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Speaker 2: it over and really, you know, analyze it.

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Speaker 3: Before they're able to move forward.

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Speaker 2: Or do you think there's a way for people to

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Speaker 2: create new neural pathways in their mind to actually just

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Speaker 2: look forward rather than letting what's back there affect them.

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Speaker 1: I did go to therapy, so I had the chance

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Speaker 1: to say this stuff. So I hesitate to say you

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Speaker 1: don't need it, but I never need it again. I'll

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Speaker 1: tell you that I think there's way too much emphasis

404
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Speaker 1: on it. It went on way too long. I went

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Speaker 1: for seventeen years, and well, I don't think we ever

406
00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:02,199
Speaker 1: caught up with Like, yeah, but what can I do

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00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:05,399
Speaker 1: right now to function better and solve some of my

408
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:09,560
Speaker 1: problems and bad habits and the things that I retraumasized

409
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Speaker 1: myself with the things that sabotage my relationships, that hold

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Speaker 1: me back professionally. It was so hard having untreated CPTSD.

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Speaker 1: I had so much potential. I was smart, you know,

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Speaker 1: I really cared. I loved people, I was funny, I

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Speaker 1: had talent, and I you know, everything that I tried

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Speaker 1: would get cut short because because I would just sort

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Speaker 1: of collapse emotionally or I would blow up at somebody

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Speaker 1: and sort of ruin things, and there, you know it was.

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Speaker 1: It would just always lead to failure. And I had

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Speaker 1: and I thought it was me. So that's the double whammy.

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Speaker 2: Do you think is there any specific type of therapy

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Speaker 2: that people should be looking for if they have been

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Speaker 2: through if they're feeling the same way as you are,

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Speaker 2: specific qualifications and a therapist they could look for, or

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Speaker 2: the types of therapy that somebody does that could be different.

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Speaker 1: Well, there's a whole There are a whole bunch of

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Speaker 1: schools of therapy now, and I don't I hesitate to

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Speaker 1: say like, oh, this one's great and this one's not. Different.

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Speaker 1: Ones work for different people. But I think the ones

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Speaker 1: that don't acknowledge dysregulation as the core symptom that if

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Speaker 1: it's going on, no information can be processed. The person's

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00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,480
Speaker 1: just going to get very upset and you know, not

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Speaker 1: learn anything from the discussion that I remember, my therapist

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Speaker 1: was always astonished. It's like, but last week you said

433
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,760
Speaker 1: you were going to I'd be like, really did I

434
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,400
Speaker 1: say that? I literally couldn't remember what we talked about.

435
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:36,040
Speaker 1: My brain was off from talking about the trauma. But also,

436
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,359
Speaker 1: I feel like culturally we're at this moment, and I

437
00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:42,920
Speaker 1: think this is why my channel is popular. I'm tough love.

438
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,959
Speaker 1: I'm not a therapist. I don't have to. You know,

439
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:50,560
Speaker 1: I can give advice, you know, I don't treat childhood wounds.

440
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,639
Speaker 1: I mean don't. I had a bad childhood, and I

441
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,240
Speaker 1: know for a fact I can't change my childhood. And

442
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,240
Speaker 1: I can't change the people who hurt me. They're not

443
00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:01,240
Speaker 1: even alive anymore. What I can change is the self

444
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:05,439
Speaker 1: defeating behaviors that trauma sort of led me to, you know,

445
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:09,640
Speaker 1: to have, And that is where you know, that's where

446
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,840
Speaker 1: I find out. This is where the rubber meets the road.

447
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,040
Speaker 1: For my students is like, are you ready? Are you

448
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:16,800
Speaker 1: ready to look at that? Because this is the part

449
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,680
Speaker 1: you can change. I think it's so exciting. It's like, oh,

450
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,040
Speaker 1: I see something that I've been doing that's messing me up.

451
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:27,359
Speaker 1: Yay that I can change. Yes, And instead of the

452
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,040
Speaker 1: it's just a really common narrative, they go, well, I

453
00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:32,679
Speaker 1: you know I can't. I can't stop shoplifting. For example,

454
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,359
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to think of something that's universally considered

455
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,760
Speaker 1: a bad thing. I can't stop shoplifting. You know, my

456
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,720
Speaker 1: parents never gave me nice things. It's like, Okay, I'm

457
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,560
Speaker 1: sorry about the childhood part, but you got to stop

458
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,840
Speaker 1: shoplifting or you're going to get your life into big trouble. Yeah.

459
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:51,920
Speaker 2: I feel like the idea of constantly punishing yourself and

460
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,840
Speaker 2: constantly feeling like you said when your mom would say

461
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,399
Speaker 2: to you, oh I wish you were never born, Like

462
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,320
Speaker 2: how that sits in your mind? Yeah?

463
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,440
Speaker 3: But I wonder if people are able to take how.

464
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:07,680
Speaker 2: Did you take that and then create your new pathway

465
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,600
Speaker 2: create that feeling of confidence in yourself, of self worth

466
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,479
Speaker 2: in yourself, because I think there's so many steps that

467
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,120
Speaker 2: need to be taken for that to happen. How did

468
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,440
Speaker 2: you become someone who had self worth?

469
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,080
Speaker 1: Yeah? This is this is the greatest story of my life.

470
00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:24,520
Speaker 1: It's so, this is everything in my life is before

471
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,080
Speaker 1: this one night and after this one night. So I

472
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,880
Speaker 1: had reached the conclusion that I couldn't go on. And

473
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,160
Speaker 1: I was in that sad state that people get into

474
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 1: where I was thinking of giving my stuff away. And

475
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,720
Speaker 1: I hadn't told anyone, and I didn't want to tell

476
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,240
Speaker 1: the therapist. But I really thought. I thought there was

477
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,520
Speaker 1: something so wrong with me. I mean, I was really

478
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,800
Speaker 1: I had severe PTSD on top of the childhood PTSD.

479
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,480
Speaker 1: I was about to get fired at work because I

480
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,439
Speaker 1: was shooting my mouth off there and things that I

481
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:55,480
Speaker 1: didn't I was just emotionally dysregulated. If something irked me,

482
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,760
Speaker 1: and I would just blast people. So I had already

483
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,000
Speaker 1: pushed everybody away in my life, and I thought, this

484
00:24:01,119 --> 00:24:04,640
Speaker 1: is I'm helpless and I was in this improv group.

485
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,680
Speaker 1: Luckily I had something fun going on in my life.

486
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,560
Speaker 1: I wasn't liking it at the time. I hate everybody.

487
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:15,040
Speaker 1: I was suffering with severe disconnections for people, and people

488
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:17,439
Speaker 1: were backing away from me and I was pushing them away.

489
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,480
Speaker 1: This is what happens. This is why I had to

490
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:24,359
Speaker 1: write my second book, Connectability. But what happened was I

491
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,280
Speaker 1: gave her a ride home from rehearsal and I said,

492
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:27,639
Speaker 1: you know what I think. You know, I have a

493
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,760
Speaker 1: plan tomorrow. I don't know why. I told her, like,

494
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,400
Speaker 1: if you really are serious, you don't you don't give

495
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:34,600
Speaker 1: somebody a chance to stop you. And obviously I wanted

496
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:38,439
Speaker 1: to be stopped. I wanted to be stopped, and I

497
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,359
Speaker 1: instinctively knew she was the person to trust. And she

498
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,240
Speaker 1: was this odd person. I was thirty, she was twenty three.

499
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:48,040
Speaker 1: She's covered with tattoos. She was swearing like a sailor,

500
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 1: but also talking about God. And you know, I lived

501
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 1: in Berkeley, so people who talked about God, we were like,

502
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 1: very oh they're just crazy people or something, you know.

503
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,719
Speaker 1: And she was just she was just so live and

504
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,160
Speaker 1: you could see it. Her eyes were very bright. And

505
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:07,639
Speaker 1: sometimes when the student is ready, you know, the teacher appears.

506
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,399
Speaker 1: And she said, do you want ah, you know, I

507
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,440
Speaker 1: know that feeling. I've totally been there. Do you want

508
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,680
Speaker 1: me to show you what I did when I first

509
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,879
Speaker 1: got sober as a teenager. But I found like I

510
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:20,959
Speaker 1: was just angry all the time, and I thought it

511
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,199
Speaker 1: wasn't worth staying alive if I couldn't drink, and I

512
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,160
Speaker 1: never had a problem with drinking per se. It's still

513
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,360
Speaker 1: like really painful for me to talk about, like, I'm

514
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:34,000
Speaker 1: so grateful, I'm so grateful everything turned around. I think

515
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,440
Speaker 1: at the time, like so many people who have those thoughts,

516
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,400
Speaker 1: you're very out of touch with the reality of all

517
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,400
Speaker 1: that is precious in life. And it was a temporary situation.

518
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,159
Speaker 1: But how did I know that. I didn't know. I

519
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,480
Speaker 1: was doing everything you were supposed to do, and it

520
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:52,639
Speaker 1: was making things worse. So she said, come in. She

521
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,320
Speaker 1: made me this cup of tea, and it was this

522
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 1: freezing cold warehouse in Oakland, you know, in the middle

523
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,640
Speaker 1: of the night. She was sort of a cool crot girl,

524
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:04,320
Speaker 1: and she showed me something that she had been shown

525
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:08,879
Speaker 1: by a woman from AA and because my friend her

526
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,960
Speaker 1: name was Rachel. She she had been living on the

527
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,520
Speaker 1: streets of the tenderline in her teens or she'd been

528
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,720
Speaker 1: kicked out of the house, so she had been through

529
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,400
Speaker 1: a lot. But she she's this lovely person to this day,

530
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:23,000
Speaker 1: she's this incredible person. She has a whole program for

531
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,640
Speaker 1: helping people get sober. It's called Sober and Alive. She's great.

532
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:31,199
Speaker 1: She's a success story. But I just instinctively trusted her though,

533
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,720
Speaker 1: even though she was so strange. She said, come here,

534
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,720
Speaker 1: write God on a piece of paper. Write God. And

535
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,520
Speaker 1: I was like, god, oh. And she's like, well, you're

536
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:39,320
Speaker 1: gonna be dead tomorrow. What does it matter? You know?

537
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,160
Speaker 1: I thought, okay, so oh God. And she goes, now,

538
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,159
Speaker 1: tell God what fears you have? And I said, I

539
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,520
Speaker 1: have fear, you know, fear. I'm not going to make

540
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:50,359
Speaker 1: it fear. I'm broken fear. And she got me to

541
00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:52,280
Speaker 1: write for like an hour and a half and I

542
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 1: started to feel good and tears were coming, and it

543
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:57,679
Speaker 1: was I was starting to have a connection with this

544
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,200
Speaker 1: piece of paper and this pen and her presence and

545
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,760
Speaker 1: knowing she was there. She was just doing her thing.

546
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,840
Speaker 1: It's like three in the morning. She goes, now, get

547
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,199
Speaker 1: to your resentments. And she knew me well enough to

548
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:10,399
Speaker 1: know I was so resentful. I was such a like

549
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:14,919
Speaker 1: feral possum. I was just yay. I was so angry

550
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:19,240
Speaker 1: about things. And you know, when you have trauma, it

551
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: makes it very hard to convert upsetting experiences that make

552
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,199
Speaker 1: you angry or sad or scared into memories. They just

553
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,600
Speaker 1: stay bouncing around full of all the hormones of adrenaline

554
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:30,720
Speaker 1: and cortisol and things.

555
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:31,520
Speaker 3: Same emotions.

556
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,160
Speaker 1: It's so much. You're just so packed with emotion. Where

557
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,800
Speaker 1: are you going to go with it? And it's very

558
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,159
Speaker 1: hard to take in new information or to look at

559
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,560
Speaker 1: a situation and go, oh, maybe this isn't so bad.

560
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,920
Speaker 1: There's just no room. So that's what it's like. That's

561
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,760
Speaker 1: what it's like. So she's like, here, yeah, you just

562
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:47,639
Speaker 1: pour it out, just give it to the paper. And

563
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,960
Speaker 1: I wrote. I must have written like fifteen pages that

564
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:53,160
Speaker 1: first night, just writing and writing, and it felt good.

565
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:55,359
Speaker 1: And then she showed me how to write a little

566
00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:57,679
Speaker 1: prayer at the end to ask for them to be removed.

567
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,120
Speaker 1: And then she said, now ask God to you know,

568
00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:02,480
Speaker 1: show you what you're supposed to be doing, and give

569
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:04,680
Speaker 1: you the power to do it. So I did that.

570
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,040
Speaker 1: I felt good enough, like, okay, fine, I'll do what

571
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 1: you say. She said, Now go home. I got to

572
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,679
Speaker 1: go to sleep. It's five in the morning. Call me

573
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:12,800
Speaker 1: when you wake up and read this to me. So

574
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:15,400
Speaker 1: I did that, and when I went home, I went

575
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:19,919
Speaker 1: to sleep. I woke up and I felt delicious. I

576
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,679
Speaker 1: just hadn't felt good in so long, and I just

577
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:24,400
Speaker 1: couldn't wait to do it again. I woke up, made

578
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,600
Speaker 1: some coffee, did it again, called her. I got to

579
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 1: read what I wrote, and she was She was so

580
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:35,119
Speaker 1: kind and understanding, and we ended up like laughing at

581
00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:36,840
Speaker 1: some of the stuff that I was resentful about. It

582
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:39,440
Speaker 1: was funny. It was funny, and she was like, Oh,

583
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:44,240
Speaker 1: everybody's so mean to me. We ended up lighthearted about it,

584
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 1: and it was this amazing feeling of love too. I

585
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 1: just loved her so much for showing up for me

586
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:53,400
Speaker 1: like she did, and she stayed connected to me as

587
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,040
Speaker 1: my friend for those early months. We're still friends, but

588
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:58,040
Speaker 1: like those early months, she was really there with me.

589
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:03,320
Speaker 1: And within a few weeks it was two weeks now.

590
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:06,000
Speaker 1: I was never diagnosed with PTSD. They didn't give me

591
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,720
Speaker 1: any diagnosis. They were just like, you're very upset. Yeah,

592
00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:11,240
Speaker 1: you're a very upset woman. You cry a lot, you're mad,

593
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:13,080
Speaker 1: I don't know, get out of here, take some pills.

594
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:17,040
Speaker 1: But my mind cleared up, the PTSD symptoms cleared up.

595
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 1: It's like something like really reregulated. And it was so remarkable,

596
00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:23,800
Speaker 1: and I didn't have the luxury of staying home from work.

597
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:27,520
Speaker 1: At work, suddenly I could not only do my job,

598
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:31,840
Speaker 1: but I could listen. And the day I knew everything

599
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:33,920
Speaker 1: was different was I was sitting in a business meeting

600
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,920
Speaker 1: with everybody and it was all it's mostly women, and

601
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:38,920
Speaker 1: they were tuk tuk and ducky talk, you know, like

602
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,920
Speaker 1: women do, and it was like popcorn going on, and

603
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:43,959
Speaker 1: I was just listening. And for the first time in

604
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,000
Speaker 1: my life, for an hour, I listened to a conversation

605
00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:49,600
Speaker 1: and my mind wasn't wandering or you know, thinking about

606
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 1: the future of the past or what I was going

607
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:52,920
Speaker 1: to say. I was just sort of taking in what

608
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:55,479
Speaker 1: everybody was saying, and I go, well, what about And

609
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,200
Speaker 1: I said something and it was just like you could

610
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:00,280
Speaker 1: hear a pin drop. Everybody was like, whoa. I said

611
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:04,840
Speaker 1: the most brilliant, insightful thing that was based on listening

612
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,960
Speaker 1: to what everybody had said. And it wasn't long before

613
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,719
Speaker 1: my career took off. I got into this really fancy

614
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:14,320
Speaker 1: grad school within a year that I you know, I

615
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:19,320
Speaker 1: somehow talked my way into late Within a couple of months,

616
00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 1: I didn't have depression anymore, and I felt so happy.

617
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:26,720
Speaker 1: I told my therapist all these three visits a week,

618
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:28,520
Speaker 1: I was like, you know what, I kind of it

619
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,520
Speaker 1: kind of brings me down coming here and talking about

620
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,160
Speaker 1: bad things, and I feel like I'm ready to stop.

621
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,160
Speaker 1: And she was worried because she had seen me before. Yes,

622
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,920
Speaker 1: and she said, well, why don't you come a few

623
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:41,600
Speaker 1: more times so I can make sure. She thought maybe

624
00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:45,720
Speaker 1: I'd gone nuts, but I just wasn't troubled by the past.

625
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:48,720
Speaker 1: The second thing that Rachel told me to do, she said,

626
00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:52,560
Speaker 1: write this sign off, do this twice a day, and

627
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,920
Speaker 1: then go to a meditation teacher and learn how to meditate.

628
00:30:55,960 --> 00:31:00,600
Speaker 1: I learned Vedic meditation at the time, and was that

629
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:02,280
Speaker 1: transcendental meditation.

630
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:04,680
Speaker 3: So it was a chanting meditation.

631
00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:08,440
Speaker 1: No chanting, just a silent mantra. Yeah, silent mantra, very

632
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:13,080
Speaker 1: simple MC meditate. Yeah, from the maharishi who taught the Beatles. Yes,

633
00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,000
Speaker 1: So all these people in AA were doing that. So

634
00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:19,440
Speaker 1: I went and did that. And it's like the writing

635
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:24,160
Speaker 1: sort of clears your mind and the meditation rests your mind.

636
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:27,000
Speaker 1: And this is my experience of it, your mind and

637
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,400
Speaker 1: nervous system just kind of recompose all of a sudden.

638
00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:32,160
Speaker 1: You're just sort of put right again and you're fresh again.

639
00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:35,160
Speaker 1: Like a baby who does is not crying anymore, just

640
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:38,800
Speaker 1: like here I am that. That's what the experience was like.

641
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,800
Speaker 1: And it was so my body started to heal. I

642
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:44,560
Speaker 1: had a lot of chronic stress related health conditions at

643
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:50,800
Speaker 1: the time, bad knees, bad back, asthma, migrains, common things

644
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:53,680
Speaker 1: for traumatized people. All that just totally cleared up. I

645
00:31:53,720 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 1: started running, My skin turned rosy and glowed. And still problems,

646
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 1: you know, from habits that I had about I still

647
00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:09,200
Speaker 1: smoked cigarettes. I still had this strange attraction to completely

648
00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:14,560
Speaker 1: disaster people and stuff that I had to practice more.

649
00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:16,960
Speaker 1: And that life is like that, Like when you've lived

650
00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:19,760
Speaker 1: just regulated all your life, you end up with these

651
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,800
Speaker 1: weird habits to try to make life work and it

652
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:26,480
Speaker 1: takes conscious undoing. And so with mentoring and with practice

653
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 1: and willingness, I was able to completely turn around my life.

654
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 2: Problems I love that you had, Well, it took one

655
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:37,840
Speaker 2: person that changed your whole trajectory, one evening that changed

656
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 2: everything in my life.

657
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 3: Isn't that such a beauty.

658
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:43,080
Speaker 2: It's such a beautiful idea that just it takes one

659
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:46,280
Speaker 2: night for you to decide that you want to turn

660
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:46,800
Speaker 2: your life around.

661
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:48,400
Speaker 3: And honestly, in the book, when I was reading it.

662
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,880
Speaker 2: That was my favorite part, the part where you were sharing,

663
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,240
Speaker 2: the writing part where you give them prompts of what

664
00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:56,440
Speaker 2: they want to what you want for your life. The

665
00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:59,440
Speaker 2: way to write it down, it was so beautiful, which

666
00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:00,920
Speaker 2: and I could feel your heart.

667
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 3: Through the thing.

668
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 2: I'm glad and now hearing the story behind it. Yeah,

669
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:07,680
Speaker 2: it's so much deeper, Like it's such a beautiful practice

670
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:10,920
Speaker 2: to just give your heart to paper and just let it,

671
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:11,600
Speaker 2: let it do.

672
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:12,440
Speaker 3: And you're right.

673
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 2: Sometimes I think speaking to people we fear, even if

674
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:17,360
Speaker 2: it's someone you don't know, even if it's a therapist,

675
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:20,640
Speaker 2: you fear judgment, and you fear you have worried about

676
00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:21,120
Speaker 2: what they're.

677
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,680
Speaker 3: Going to think about you, or whether they're going to keep.

678
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:26,040
Speaker 2: It a secret for you, whatever the fears are. But

679
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:28,320
Speaker 2: when you end up writing it down on paper, it's

680
00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:31,800
Speaker 2: just you and the paper, like there's nothing to hide behind. Yeah,

681
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 2: no one to be worried about it. It's such a

682
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:35,760
Speaker 2: beautiful practice.

683
00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:36,080
Speaker 1: Yeah.

684
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:36,560
Speaker 3: Place.

685
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,840
Speaker 1: I had a radical spiritual awakening within a few months

686
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:41,880
Speaker 1: of the whole thing where I was given the under

687
00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:44,680
Speaker 1: I just I all of a sudden, I'll try it.

688
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:46,440
Speaker 1: I don't want to get very specific about it because

689
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:50,680
Speaker 1: in this millieu. It'll sound thin and cheeseball, but I'll

690
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,640
Speaker 1: just say I was shown one afternoon. I just had

691
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,360
Speaker 1: an afternoon where my consciousness lifted up and I could

692
00:33:56,440 --> 00:34:01,160
Speaker 1: see that there was life in all things and including me,

693
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:03,600
Speaker 1: and there was no way that I was not supposed

694
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 1: to be here. I was absolutely part of this life

695
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:07,680
Speaker 1: and that I belong.

696
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,040
Speaker 3: Wow. And then that leads us onto your book.

697
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:13,719
Speaker 2: Can actually say, yeah, tell us why you made it

698
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:17,239
Speaker 2: and what juicy things you've written inside of it, because

699
00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:19,239
Speaker 2: it's a brilliant book, and who is it made for.

700
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:25,480
Speaker 1: Well, people who had childhood trauma have an almost universal

701
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:28,560
Speaker 1: symptom that they feel a sense of disconnection. And so

702
00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:30,920
Speaker 1: people who are watching right now, I see you. I know,

703
00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: I know you know. It's a sense of disconnection that

704
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:37,000
Speaker 1: you never quite fit in. You get easily overlooked for

705
00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:43,880
Speaker 1: what's good about you. You get talked over, misunderstood, feel

706
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:47,839
Speaker 1: like an outsider everywhere you go, bullied maybe okay, And

707
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:52,160
Speaker 1: sometimes this is happening because people have ostracized us. You know,

708
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:54,480
Speaker 1: people can be quite cruel to each other. Kids can

709
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:56,760
Speaker 1: be cruel to each other, and these things have happened

710
00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:00,640
Speaker 1: for people who were traumatized as kids even be like

711
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,880
Speaker 1: a neurological injury there in the part of you know,

712
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 1: the mirror neurons, the part of our brain and nervous

713
00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:10,160
Speaker 1: system that's designed to allow us to feel connected and

714
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:13,880
Speaker 1: to have intuition and to have intimacy with others, like

715
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:17,279
Speaker 1: emotional intimacy, and that if you have an injury in

716
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:20,359
Speaker 1: the part of you that's for that, it's hard to do. Yeah,

717
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,120
Speaker 1: And so you see other people, it's like all the

718
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:25,359
Speaker 1: other you know. An example for me that was very

719
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:28,239
Speaker 1: hard was the other moms. Moms get together and they

720
00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:31,160
Speaker 1: chit chat and they bond and they're laughing and they're

721
00:35:31,239 --> 00:35:33,160
Speaker 1: drinking wine. And I would always be sort of like,

722
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,439
Speaker 1: what's going on here? I don't know, I don't know why,

723
00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:39,560
Speaker 1: but I'm not really connecting with everybody. And the stuff

724
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 1: that I think about and make jokes about isn't landing

725
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:45,000
Speaker 1: And I don't fit in and why is it? Like

726
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 1: it's always like that, And I don't always have an answer.

727
00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:51,839
Speaker 1: You don't like nobody fits in everywhere. But I think

728
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:54,479
Speaker 1: my trauma symptoms and the stuff that I had been through,

729
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:57,400
Speaker 1: it's just kind of like this little barrier inside and

730
00:35:57,440 --> 00:35:59,640
Speaker 1: it's very hard to put your finger on. It's easy

731
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,399
Speaker 1: to think it's because they hate me, it's because there's

732
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 1: something no good about me. It's easy to think that.

733
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:07,400
Speaker 1: But because I had my daily practice techniques, I was

734
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:09,640
Speaker 1: always getting in my fears and resentments on paper about

735
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:12,319
Speaker 1: those awful moms, and I was releasing it. I was

736
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:14,799
Speaker 1: asking for it to be removed. I was getting refreshed again.

737
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,080
Speaker 1: I would come at at noon. I just kind of saw, well,

738
00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:19,440
Speaker 1: I am a little different. The stuff that I think

739
00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:21,759
Speaker 1: about and care about is a little different. We like

740
00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:24,160
Speaker 1: some of the same TV shows and we can talk

741
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 1: about that. But like I was going through this miserable

742
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 1: divorce and they weren't, and that's significant. And I was

743
00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:36,839
Speaker 1: older than they were. I was like an older mom,

744
00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 1: and then I was an older mom of little, tiny tuddlers,

745
00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:41,799
Speaker 1: and I was struggling, like all the time. And then

746
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:44,000
Speaker 1: I think I was probably seen as like the struggling one.

747
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 1: But I had my tools and I knew what to do.

748
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:49,759
Speaker 1: But it was after I had kids, after I had

749
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:52,560
Speaker 1: been using my daily practice, after I had shown hundreds

750
00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:55,279
Speaker 1: of people these techniques, like so much of my life

751
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:59,040
Speaker 1: was already devoted to sharing you know I had found

752
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 1: a way to feel better. I didn't know that I

753
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:03,840
Speaker 1: had complex PTSD. I just thought I was a weirdo.

754
00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:06,440
Speaker 1: It's like, if you're weird in the way that I am,

755
00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,520
Speaker 1: you know, you might want to try this. And I

756
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 1: just you know, lots and lots of people would ask

757
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:16,200
Speaker 1: me to show them. But I realized at this time

758
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:19,600
Speaker 1: I had very few good friends. My friends were just

759
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:22,359
Speaker 1: not that good. And I didn't know. I didn't see

760
00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,400
Speaker 1: it coming. I thought they were good. I thought they

761
00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 1: were fun friends. They were friends who were good for

762
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:29,480
Speaker 1: coming to parties or going for a hike and stuff.

763
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:32,000
Speaker 1: But if you needed meals made and your kids picked

764
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:33,960
Speaker 1: up at school and you needed a ride home from

765
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,840
Speaker 1: the hospital, they were not your friend.

766
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:38,480
Speaker 3: And well, age did you figure that out?

767
00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:42,120
Speaker 1: Well, I guess, So I had this. I had this

768
00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,600
Speaker 1: four year period, and I guess I was forty one

769
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:49,719
Speaker 1: when it started. When I was divorced, I stopped using

770
00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:52,359
Speaker 1: my daily practice. I was so mad. I thought, like, see,

771
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:54,640
Speaker 1: it doesn't work. I didn't get what I wanted. Yeah,

772
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:58,080
Speaker 1: and my first birth was difficult and I was injured

773
00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:00,000
Speaker 1: in it, and later they did a surgery to try

774
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:03,400
Speaker 1: to repair that, and that surgery went wrong, and it

775
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:08,120
Speaker 1: led to fourteen major surgeries, like major where you know,

776
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:16,040
Speaker 1: fourteen hour crisis things, muscles transferred, you know, blood transfusions, problems, appliances,

777
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:18,319
Speaker 1: you know. I had this very hard four years and

778
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:20,680
Speaker 1: I was a single mom. It was so hard. I

779
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:23,240
Speaker 1: had to go to the emergency room forty four times.

780
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:28,239
Speaker 1: WHOA and I didn't have help. So I would call

781
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:30,440
Speaker 1: on neighbors. I'd just call on anybody, can you just

782
00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:31,759
Speaker 1: help me. It's three in the morning. I need you

783
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:32,920
Speaker 1: to get over here. I have to get to the

784
00:38:32,960 --> 00:38:35,479
Speaker 1: emergency room. Something's going on and I have to get there.

785
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:41,359
Speaker 1: And it was just this terrible time. And so even

786
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:43,279
Speaker 1: though I thought I was done with therapy, I went back.

787
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:45,080
Speaker 1: I'm like I need a straight answer, like why is

788
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:47,160
Speaker 1: this happening? Why me? And they were like, well, let's see,

789
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:50,239
Speaker 1: you don't have a mom. My mom had died. You

790
00:38:50,239 --> 00:38:52,319
Speaker 1: don't have a dad. My dad had died. You don't

791
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:55,520
Speaker 1: have siblings. They were either you know, addicts or scattered

792
00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:58,800
Speaker 1: or you know, not there. And you've lost all your friends.

793
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:01,759
Speaker 1: You know, you have friends, but they're not this kind.

794
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:03,680
Speaker 1: And you don't have a sister like that, that kind

795
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,239
Speaker 1: of sister friend. Yeah, somebody who helps you through these

796
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 1: hard times. And she just laid it on me, and

797
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:11,360
Speaker 1: it was it was just this terrible truth to face,

798
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:15,560
Speaker 1: like I just don't have that. And so I thought,

799
00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:16,960
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to I'm going to have to

800
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,799
Speaker 1: sort this out. I've got to find a way to

801
00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:22,840
Speaker 1: break through and have the right kind of friends. And

802
00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:24,560
Speaker 1: I guess I had always known. I had always felt

803
00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:28,360
Speaker 1: like fundamentally lonely, even in parties, even in relationships, just lonely.

804
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:31,480
Speaker 1: And so I set about to figure it out. And

805
00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:34,160
Speaker 1: that was the beginning of two or three years of

806
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:36,680
Speaker 1: what I call my monastic period. Wow.

807
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:39,239
Speaker 2: You know when I read that in the book, or

808
00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:42,160
Speaker 2: I read about the idea of people feeling so lonely,

809
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:44,320
Speaker 2: I thought about I was a dietitian in the hospital,

810
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:46,680
Speaker 2: and so I used to see a lot of patience.

811
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:49,080
Speaker 2: A lot of them would pass away and it would

812
00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:51,960
Speaker 2: be so interesting where at the time, when you imagine

813
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:55,800
Speaker 2: anybody and everybody would come to someone's.

814
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:57,160
Speaker 3: Bedside when they're about to die.

815
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:03,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, the amount of people that by themselves was heartbreaking,

816
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,040
Speaker 2: Like it was so sad to see. And I was

817
00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:08,239
Speaker 2: thinking about, how, you know, my grandma would always talk

818
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:08,640
Speaker 2: about this.

819
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:11,960
Speaker 3: Idea of when she was in a village where she

820
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:12,640
Speaker 3: would live.

821
00:40:12,719 --> 00:40:15,000
Speaker 2: And how everyone her door would be open and everyone

822
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:17,440
Speaker 2: would come in and their doors would be open, and

823
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,319
Speaker 2: the children would go play at that house and they'd

824
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,760
Speaker 2: come over here. She'd be feeding maybe sometimes fifteen people

825
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:25,520
Speaker 2: every single night, and everyone was so connected. There was

826
00:40:25,719 --> 00:40:28,399
Speaker 2: always someone to help, There was always someone there. They

827
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:31,040
Speaker 2: were always there for other people. And then I thought

828
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:33,319
Speaker 2: about now, and I thought about the hospital, and I

829
00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 2: was thinking, wow, even if people have children, sometimes they're

830
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:40,520
Speaker 2: disconnected from them. Even if people have family, you usually think, okay, family,

831
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,400
Speaker 2: the basic people that you will have as your family.

832
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:49,600
Speaker 2: But nowadays there's disconnection in family and so so many people.

833
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:52,440
Speaker 2: Whether it's a cultural thing, I definitely saw that there

834
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:55,879
Speaker 2: was a difference between specific cultures, where some cultures people

835
00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:58,000
Speaker 2: will show up even if they hate them because it's

836
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:01,160
Speaker 2: the right thing to do, versus in some cultures it

837
00:41:01,239 --> 00:41:04,400
Speaker 2: was just not. They would die alone, they were in

838
00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:07,759
Speaker 2: the hospital, they had no one to call, and it

839
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:10,520
Speaker 2: made me so sad, and so I think and it

840
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:12,760
Speaker 2: opened my eyes to I grew up in an Indian

841
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:15,400
Speaker 2: house where there was a lot of people around and

842
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:17,200
Speaker 2: everyone was there helping each other. We had a big,

843
00:41:17,239 --> 00:41:19,520
Speaker 2: extended family and everyone showed up whether they wanted to

844
00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:21,959
Speaker 2: or not. And in other cultures it wasn't the same.

845
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:24,120
Speaker 2: And so I think your book, Like when I read it,

846
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,640
Speaker 2: I thought, wow, it is so needed in a world

847
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:29,840
Speaker 2: where you can literally be surrounded by so many people

848
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:31,800
Speaker 2: and walk into a room and feel alone, walk to

849
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:33,759
Speaker 2: a room and feel like you don't belong being a

850
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:36,719
Speaker 2: hospital that have no one coming to visit you. How

851
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,840
Speaker 2: did you get to a place from feeling disconnected? Because

852
00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:43,440
Speaker 2: I imagine this person who's you know, in hospital at

853
00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:45,080
Speaker 2: the end of their life, having no one coming to

854
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:47,760
Speaker 2: see them. I think, how do you stop someone getting

855
00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:50,680
Speaker 2: to that point? How do you get how as someone

856
00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:53,680
Speaker 2: who doesn't have family members that will show up for you,

857
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:55,800
Speaker 2: how do you you start at the age of forty

858
00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:57,600
Speaker 2: building connections with people?

859
00:41:58,239 --> 00:41:59,160
Speaker 3: How did you do that?

860
00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:04,239
Speaker 1: It was a process. I was very confused. I really

861
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:06,839
Speaker 1: had no like cognitive idea why it was going on.

862
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:10,520
Speaker 1: The information about what is complex PTSD wasn't there yet.

863
00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:13,920
Speaker 1: What I can tell you now is that my daily

864
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:16,839
Speaker 1: practice all along had been a tool for reregulation, even

865
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:19,640
Speaker 1: though that concept wasn't there. I thought that I was

866
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:24,439
Speaker 1: just temperamental or something. But your nervous system is there

867
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:28,480
Speaker 1: as a connecting organ you know, to people. There's some theories.

868
00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:30,560
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's true, but it feels true

869
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 1: that the collective consciousness is really like the network of nervousness.

870
00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:35,440
Speaker 3: I believe it.

871
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,680
Speaker 1: You know, we all feel each other. We are connected.

872
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:43,040
Speaker 1: And when our nervous system can't get cook us to

873
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:46,000
Speaker 1: the Wi Fi like that, there it is, you know,

874
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:48,600
Speaker 1: there it is. You literally can walk into the room

875
00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:51,360
Speaker 1: and you can't read the room, you can't feel the people,

876
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:54,960
Speaker 1: they can't know you. Yeah, it's like switched off. And

877
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:57,200
Speaker 1: so for me that was a great relief. It's like, Okay,

878
00:42:57,239 --> 00:43:00,120
Speaker 1: so I'm not crazy. There is something going on, and

879
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:03,560
Speaker 1: so learning to reregulate your nervous system is just the

880
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:06,839
Speaker 1: first thing for everything. Suddenly, now you have choices, Now

881
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:09,480
Speaker 1: you can connect, you'll find out. Now you don't even

882
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:13,839
Speaker 1: like everybody, but you know, all kinds of good things

883
00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:18,600
Speaker 1: can happen. You can set boundaries, you can communicate what

884
00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:21,839
Speaker 1: you really think, you can cope with being sort of

885
00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:25,040
Speaker 1: a new person in a group. There's so many things

886
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 1: that can happen if you know how to reregulate, you

887
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,200
Speaker 1: can go to therapy, you can remember you know what

888
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:34,760
Speaker 1: happened at therapy, and you can have an instinctive sense

889
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:37,200
Speaker 1: when you've said something that maybe hurt somebody's feelings. You

890
00:43:37,239 --> 00:43:39,800
Speaker 1: see that little thing in their eyes that are like ouch,

891
00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:42,640
Speaker 1: you see it now, and you can respond to it.

892
00:43:43,040 --> 00:43:45,640
Speaker 1: So that's what it is when you are disconnected like that.

893
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:48,439
Speaker 1: This will sound harsh, and I don't mean to be harsh,

894
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:51,239
Speaker 1: but it's just true, like there's an insensitivity there to

895
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:54,799
Speaker 1: other people. And when when you can't show up for

896
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:58,640
Speaker 1: the nuances of connection, Like let's say somebody tells you

897
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:03,520
Speaker 1: I I need to get my knee replaced and it's

898
00:44:03,560 --> 00:44:06,920
Speaker 1: coming Tuesday. So if they told me that before, when

899
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:08,640
Speaker 1: I was just regulated, I'd be like, oh wow, that's

900
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,160
Speaker 1: really heavy, How's I going to go? You know, blah

901
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:12,359
Speaker 1: blah blah. But I wouldn't remember that the next day.

902
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:16,160
Speaker 1: I wouldn't get in touch right. And so I remembered

903
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:18,200
Speaker 1: that if somebody needs something, you're supposed to offer help,

904
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,120
Speaker 1: or you're supposed to bring flowers to a dinner party.

905
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:22,960
Speaker 1: I could remember sort of actions like that, but I

906
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:26,240
Speaker 1: didn't have that connection that was like, you know, oh,

907
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:29,840
Speaker 1: you know, poor Cindy's she must be anxious tonight. Tomorrow's

908
00:44:29,880 --> 00:44:31,400
Speaker 1: the day. I think I'll give her a call. Does

909
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:33,200
Speaker 1: she need anything, and just let her know I'm thinking

910
00:44:33,239 --> 00:44:36,040
Speaker 1: of her, you know, does she want a visit her tomorrow?

911
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 1: Even if you do nothing, but just to be aware

912
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:40,919
Speaker 1: what other people are going through and the good things. Hey,

913
00:44:40,960 --> 00:44:43,880
Speaker 1: guess what. Guess what? I gave a presentation and my

914
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:46,440
Speaker 1: hands weren't shaking this time. You know, I did something.

915
00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:49,759
Speaker 1: You can start to feel other people, and this is

916
00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 1: the opposite of loneliness, to have these sort of shared

917
00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:55,600
Speaker 1: ups and downs with people where you feel it too

918
00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 1: and you're going through it together. And I had to

919
00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:04,239
Speaker 1: first focus on paying attention to other people. I paid

920
00:45:04,239 --> 00:45:07,560
Speaker 1: attention to being honestly loving to other people, and that's

921
00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:10,040
Speaker 1: how I ended up loving myself. That's the order it

922
00:45:10,080 --> 00:45:10,440
Speaker 1: went in.

923
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:13,080
Speaker 2: Such a big part of what you're saying and what

924
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:16,080
Speaker 2: I'm hearing from that is just presence, like being able

925
00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:18,759
Speaker 2: to be present in that moment I've been in. I

926
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,640
Speaker 2: was actually just speaking to my friend and she has OCD,

927
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,080
Speaker 2: and so when she has an OCD flare up, it

928
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:27,359
Speaker 2: makes it really difficult for her to she disregulates and

929
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:29,680
Speaker 2: she kind of becomes present.

930
00:45:30,040 --> 00:45:32,120
Speaker 3: She's there physically, but her mind.

931
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:34,560
Speaker 2: Can completely disconnect from the moment, and after which she'll

932
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:36,440
Speaker 2: say to me, I'm so sorry. I know you were talking,

933
00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:39,160
Speaker 2: but I just wasn't there. I literally could not participate

934
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:41,400
Speaker 2: in the conversation because I was so in my head.

935
00:45:41,719 --> 00:45:43,840
Speaker 2: I could not even hear what you were saying. I

936
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:46,239
Speaker 2: couldn't hear what anybody was saying, which is why and

937
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:48,600
Speaker 2: when people wouldn't know that, they think, why is she

938
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:49,080
Speaker 2: not listening?

939
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:50,960
Speaker 3: Or she'll ask again, sor what did you say?

940
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:53,319
Speaker 2: And everyone would think that she's just being ditsy or

941
00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:56,839
Speaker 2: just not listening. I've been in situations where, because I've

942
00:45:56,840 --> 00:45:59,480
Speaker 2: been so in my head, I would go into a

943
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:01,680
Speaker 2: situation I think, oh, this person feels like they're not

944
00:46:01,719 --> 00:46:04,399
Speaker 2: really wanting to connect with me, or they don't feel

945
00:46:04,400 --> 00:46:06,280
Speaker 2: like they want to talk to me, or I'd constantly

946
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:09,800
Speaker 2: go into these social situations and think that they didn't

947
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:12,440
Speaker 2: want to connect to me. And then I realized and

948
00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:15,280
Speaker 2: then when you talked about the nervous system of everyone

949
00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:18,080
Speaker 2: being connected, it made me think about, well, the energy

950
00:46:18,120 --> 00:46:20,960
Speaker 2: that I was probably giving off was I'm not actually

951
00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:23,960
Speaker 2: present here? Right now, so they could read, whether they

952
00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:26,760
Speaker 2: were conscious of it or not. Energetically, they could feel

953
00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:30,200
Speaker 2: I'm not actually there to connect. Therefore, they're not going

954
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:31,799
Speaker 2: to invest time into connecting with me.

955
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:32,840
Speaker 1: I feel abandoned by you.

956
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:35,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, they don't feel like I'm there. I'm not actually listening.

957
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:38,399
Speaker 2: I'm looking around. I'm not focused on you, what you're

958
00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:40,839
Speaker 2: saying and exactly what you said. If someone would tell

959
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:43,480
Speaker 2: me something was wrong, my husband would remember and they'd

960
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:46,319
Speaker 2: be like, oh, remember this person's got this, and I thought, oh, yeah,

961
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:49,359
Speaker 2: maybe I should reach out, but my heart wasn't thinking

962
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:52,240
Speaker 2: I should reach out. And then eventually when I realized

963
00:46:52,239 --> 00:46:54,600
Speaker 2: that so much of it wasn't them, so much of

964
00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:57,000
Speaker 2: it was me and what they were project I was

965
00:46:57,040 --> 00:47:00,120
Speaker 2: projecting something onto them and they were just responding. And

966
00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 2: so instead of constantly thinking that person didn't like me

967
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:05,040
Speaker 2: or that person wasn't interested in my life, well, they

968
00:47:05,080 --> 00:47:07,640
Speaker 2: probably think I'm just stupid because I can't talk about

969
00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:09,799
Speaker 2: these things, so they're not connecting me. Whatever stories we

970
00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:12,480
Speaker 2: make up in our mind of why that person's doing it, yeah,

971
00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:15,960
Speaker 2: you end up realizing, oh, actually, as soon as I

972
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,200
Speaker 2: put one hand out, they're reaching back. As soon as

973
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:21,000
Speaker 2: I say something caring, they're wanting to care back. And

974
00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:24,040
Speaker 2: so it's so much about reciprocation. But sometimes you have

975
00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:26,360
Speaker 2: to start that cycle. Yeah, you have to be the

976
00:47:26,360 --> 00:47:29,640
Speaker 2: one to first give something for someone to feel something,

977
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:31,680
Speaker 2: for them to give it back to you. And I

978
00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:35,399
Speaker 2: think that's a really difficult realization to have because you realize, oh, crap,

979
00:47:35,440 --> 00:47:35,759
Speaker 2: it's me.

980
00:47:36,040 --> 00:47:37,000
Speaker 3: I have to do the work.

981
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:38,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, but yeah, it's me.

982
00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:40,320
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, it's me exactly exactly.

983
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:41,839
Speaker 2: And I think you can go through that. You kind

984
00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:43,440
Speaker 2: of go through the oh no, it's me, and then

985
00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:45,480
Speaker 2: you can go through Okay. That means I have things

986
00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:47,480
Speaker 2: I can do, tools I can put into place, and

987
00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:49,600
Speaker 2: a way that I can fix this. Yeah, And it's

988
00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:52,240
Speaker 2: really beautiful to hear that you did that at forty,

989
00:47:52,360 --> 00:47:54,000
Speaker 2: or someone can do it fifty, at sixty, someone can

990
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:56,040
Speaker 2: do it when they're in hospital at seventy and think,

991
00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:57,799
Speaker 2: you know, I'm going to become best friends with a

992
00:47:57,800 --> 00:47:59,279
Speaker 2: person next to me right now, and I'm going to

993
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:01,359
Speaker 2: hear everything that going through and we're going to make

994
00:48:01,400 --> 00:48:02,200
Speaker 2: it through this together.

995
00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:03,120
Speaker 3: Yeah.

996
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:06,200
Speaker 2: And it's such a yeah from your friend who did

997
00:48:06,200 --> 00:48:08,800
Speaker 2: that for you early on in your life to now

998
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:11,120
Speaker 2: it's just you've realized there are so many little moments

999
00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:12,960
Speaker 2: that you have the ability to change.

1000
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:17,160
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, well you know who's uh. I think I've

1001
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:19,400
Speaker 1: taught this to about a million people via YouTube and

1002
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:21,439
Speaker 1: my free course, and I'll share the link with you. Yeah,

1003
00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:23,520
Speaker 1: please if people are interested in how to do the

1004
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:26,960
Speaker 1: techniques that sort of get this ball rolling. It's a

1005
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,440
Speaker 1: little specific, so when I describe it, I always want

1006
00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:31,160
Speaker 1: to say it's a little specific and so that you

1007
00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:32,840
Speaker 1: can get it from the book or the free course

1008
00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:36,040
Speaker 1: I offer. But so about a million people have learned it,

1009
00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:37,879
Speaker 1: and then I just sort of sent a survey out

1010
00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:39,799
Speaker 1: to my students and I'm like, who have you taught

1011
00:48:39,800 --> 00:48:42,120
Speaker 1: it to? People are teaching it to people who are

1012
00:48:42,200 --> 00:48:45,480
Speaker 1: dying in hospice, they're teaching it in prisons, they're teaching

1013
00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:47,839
Speaker 1: it in nursery schools. Kids can do it.

1014
00:48:48,239 --> 00:48:50,880
Speaker 3: Please share it with us. Yeah.

1015
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:53,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I think, oh, for people who are dying,

1016
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:57,839
Speaker 1: I think I'm very feel that's the most poignant thing

1017
00:48:57,840 --> 00:49:00,160
Speaker 1: you can do is learn to wake up before you

1018
00:49:00,239 --> 00:49:03,719
Speaker 1: die and be able to connect with people and not

1019
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:05,960
Speaker 1: to die lonely, even if there's not a lot of

1020
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:06,959
Speaker 1: people around.

1021
00:49:06,920 --> 00:49:08,839
Speaker 3: Or not disconnected, like you're gonna end up.

1022
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,080
Speaker 2: I'm sure you can feel like you don't have many people,

1023
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:15,000
Speaker 2: but to still feel like you're connected to the world. Yeah,

1024
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:17,960
Speaker 2: to anybody and anything around you. I think you're so right,

1025
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:19,920
Speaker 2: even if it's just waking up for a glimpse of

1026
00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:22,560
Speaker 2: a moment before. Yeah, you neve to know that you

1027
00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:24,680
Speaker 2: have that moment of connection is so important.

1028
00:49:24,880 --> 00:49:27,520
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, there's so much. There's so many things. I

1029
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:30,920
Speaker 1: just I'm so surprised. I'm so surprised by how people are.

1030
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:34,279
Speaker 1: First of all, people are lovely. By enlarged people are lovely. Yeah,

1031
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:37,920
Speaker 1: and sometimes, especially when I'm right out of meditation, I

1032
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:39,879
Speaker 1: used to do my meditation on the bart train. It's

1033
00:49:39,920 --> 00:49:42,319
Speaker 1: like the subway that goes to San Francisco, go to

1034
00:49:42,360 --> 00:49:45,080
Speaker 1: work there. When I was first healing and everything was

1035
00:49:45,160 --> 00:49:48,279
Speaker 1: changing so fast, I stop smoking. I'll get off the

1036
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:50,319
Speaker 1: subway and I'd come out and it's just like it's

1037
00:49:50,360 --> 00:49:52,960
Speaker 1: just like it smells like pea. It's just all garbage.

1038
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:57,360
Speaker 1: You know, everybody's asking for money. I would just be like, hello, hello,

1039
00:49:58,239 --> 00:50:01,319
Speaker 1: I just feeling good, like you're beautiful people off the work,

1040
00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:05,160
Speaker 1: see you later. I just felt good and I felt connected.

1041
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:07,120
Speaker 1: You know, I felt connected to the people who were

1042
00:50:07,239 --> 00:50:09,640
Speaker 1: around and didn't have so much of that like, well,

1043
00:50:09,680 --> 00:50:12,440
Speaker 1: not these people. I'm not these But this is one

1044
00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:16,120
Speaker 1: of the things about connectibility. Like stage one is you awaken.

1045
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:18,320
Speaker 1: Stage two is you got to start learning the stuff

1046
00:50:18,360 --> 00:50:20,359
Speaker 1: that gets in the way. And we have a lot

1047
00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:22,960
Speaker 1: in the way, especially if we've been living disconnected. We're

1048
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:24,960
Speaker 1: sort of like, you know, like the hermit in the

1049
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:27,439
Speaker 1: woods in a certain way of just like hey, your kids,

1050
00:50:27,440 --> 00:50:32,400
Speaker 1: get off the lawn. And so one of the things

1051
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:36,880
Speaker 1: is boundaries. If you have good boundaries, you can afford

1052
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:39,080
Speaker 1: to get close to people. You've got to know that

1053
00:50:39,160 --> 00:50:42,879
Speaker 1: you have a way out. So if you're somebody who

1054
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,720
Speaker 1: just is so people pleasing, that no matter how awful

1055
00:50:45,719 --> 00:50:49,279
Speaker 1: a situation is, like somebody's driving drunk, for example, will

1056
00:50:49,320 --> 00:50:50,719
Speaker 1: you get out of the car, Well, we don't want

1057
00:50:50,719 --> 00:50:52,840
Speaker 1: to offend them, like a boundary would be, I'm going

1058
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:54,880
Speaker 1: to get out of the car if somebody's driving drunk,

1059
00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:59,279
Speaker 1: you know. And so if you have boundaries, you can

1060
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:01,239
Speaker 1: get in the car so to speak. If you if

1061
00:51:01,239 --> 00:51:03,440
Speaker 1: you say, if things get crazy, I know what to do.

1062
00:51:03,760 --> 00:51:05,880
Speaker 1: And I'm using this as a metaphor I'm not recommending

1063
00:51:05,880 --> 00:51:08,880
Speaker 1: people get into a car where you have questions, but

1064
00:51:09,040 --> 00:51:11,279
Speaker 1: just that hanging out with people, going on a date,

1065
00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:14,520
Speaker 1: making a friend, deciding to spend the holidays with your

1066
00:51:14,560 --> 00:51:17,600
Speaker 1: family when your family is kind of rough for you

1067
00:51:18,760 --> 00:51:21,239
Speaker 1: or brings out the worst in you. Let's say that

1068
00:51:22,360 --> 00:51:24,520
Speaker 1: if you have boundaries and you know, have a plan

1069
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:26,760
Speaker 1: b like, if things get weird. I'm not going to argue.

1070
00:51:26,760 --> 00:51:28,840
Speaker 1: We're not going to talk about politics. I'm going to

1071
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:31,479
Speaker 1: help in the kitchen. If anybody tries to like bait

1072
00:51:31,560 --> 00:51:33,359
Speaker 1: me into a you know, a thing that we've thought

1073
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:36,080
Speaker 1: about in the past, I'm just going to say something

1074
00:51:36,120 --> 00:51:39,040
Speaker 1: really lighthearted. You know. I've learned from some of the

1075
00:51:39,080 --> 00:51:42,200
Speaker 1: most wonderful people. I've looked at people who are great

1076
00:51:42,239 --> 00:51:44,719
Speaker 1: at connecting and how they do it, and some people

1077
00:51:44,760 --> 00:51:47,839
Speaker 1: are just geniuses at this they have. I have an

1078
00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:51,640
Speaker 1: English husband, yeah, and he's very old school. He's from

1079
00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:54,880
Speaker 1: the North, you know, he's still like it's he's a

1080
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:57,479
Speaker 1: little younger than me, but he feels like he's from

1081
00:51:57,680 --> 00:52:01,640
Speaker 1: another era, you know. And he he's just like all

1082
00:52:01,680 --> 00:52:04,799
Speaker 1: about like being courteous, kind, gentle with people. If you

1083
00:52:04,840 --> 00:52:07,279
Speaker 1: have a criticism, don't say it if you have to

1084
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:10,319
Speaker 1: say it, you say like the tiniest little piece of it,

1085
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:12,719
Speaker 1: so they understand the nature of the problem, but you

1086
00:52:12,760 --> 00:52:15,239
Speaker 1: would never ever hurt their self esteem even if you

1087
00:52:15,280 --> 00:52:15,719
Speaker 1: hate them.

1088
00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:18,040
Speaker 3: Yeah. I feel like I learned that from my husband too.

1089
00:52:18,120 --> 00:52:21,640
Speaker 2: He's been one of the biggest lessons in what actual

1090
00:52:21,719 --> 00:52:24,520
Speaker 2: connection to people mean. Like, no matter how busyas is,

1091
00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:27,480
Speaker 2: like the best friend to people, He's always available, always

1092
00:52:27,520 --> 00:52:29,160
Speaker 2: there for people in the right way, but still has

1093
00:52:29,160 --> 00:52:31,840
Speaker 2: his boundaries of how he knows how many people he

1094
00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:33,880
Speaker 2: can connect to it or like scheduling time to make

1095
00:52:33,880 --> 00:52:36,080
Speaker 2: sure that he's speaking to the right people when they

1096
00:52:36,120 --> 00:52:38,799
Speaker 2: need it, and it's just and watching him even in

1097
00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:41,800
Speaker 2: a room, being so present, it was how I realized.

1098
00:52:41,840 --> 00:52:43,360
Speaker 2: It's like you said, when you see someone who is

1099
00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:46,800
Speaker 2: actually so good at connection, it makes you realize, oh,

1100
00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:49,080
Speaker 2: this is actually what I'm lacking, Like this is how

1101
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:52,080
Speaker 2: I this is how you can be, and how do

1102
00:52:52,120 --> 00:52:54,640
Speaker 2: you figure out the steps towards actually becoming that. It's

1103
00:52:54,640 --> 00:52:56,960
Speaker 2: so actually beautiful to see someone who will have an

1104
00:52:57,000 --> 00:52:58,680
Speaker 2: example of that in your life.

1105
00:52:58,440 --> 00:53:01,040
Speaker 1: Yes, and to see it and also to be receptive

1106
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:03,400
Speaker 1: to learning from it rather than resenting it. So I

1107
00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:05,520
Speaker 1: used to. I think I used to feel so ashamed

1108
00:53:05,520 --> 00:53:07,520
Speaker 1: in the presence of people who were kind and generous

1109
00:53:08,040 --> 00:53:10,040
Speaker 1: that I would just judge them and write them off.

1110
00:53:10,239 --> 00:53:11,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, or I think they have superpowers and I'm like, how

1111
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:13,799
Speaker 2: did you remember that person's name and I.

1112
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:16,799
Speaker 1: Don't, Or it's because you're rich, or yeah something. Did

1113
00:53:16,840 --> 00:53:18,440
Speaker 1: you see the story in the book? I think it

1114
00:53:18,520 --> 00:53:22,040
Speaker 1: was later because a woman I call Evelyn, and which

1115
00:53:22,080 --> 00:53:24,200
Speaker 1: I think I made it to Evelyn yet Evelyn, well,

1116
00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:26,360
Speaker 1: she's she's a real she's a real person. She's not

1117
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:30,239
Speaker 1: living anymore. But she was dating my first husband's dad.

1118
00:53:30,760 --> 00:53:33,000
Speaker 1: And my first husband's dad was a pretty rough fellow.

1119
00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:35,560
Speaker 1: If you did you ever see Austin Powers, Yes, and

1120
00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:38,719
Speaker 1: you know his dad played by Michael Kre was like

1121
00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:42,440
Speaker 1: that was like my first father in law. And we

1122
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:47,200
Speaker 1: were visiting, and you know, our relationship came together hastily,

1123
00:53:48,719 --> 00:53:50,640
Speaker 1: and we decided to be together when I was seven

1124
00:53:50,640 --> 00:53:52,759
Speaker 1: months pregnant with our first kid. We ended up getting married,

1125
00:53:52,760 --> 00:53:54,799
Speaker 1: We ended up having another kid. But when I met

1126
00:53:54,880 --> 00:53:57,279
Speaker 1: his family, they had never heard of me before, and

1127
00:53:57,320 --> 00:54:00,520
Speaker 1: they did their best to be kind, but you know,

1128
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:02,680
Speaker 1: they were completely like, what's who is this lady? What

1129
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:04,839
Speaker 1: is she she just trying to like get something or

1130
00:54:05,239 --> 00:54:09,280
Speaker 1: they were distrustful. And I was dressed in these shabby

1131
00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:12,520
Speaker 1: maternity clothes and we went out for the day to

1132
00:54:12,520 --> 00:54:15,120
Speaker 1: go to Canterbury Cathedral. I don't remember it very well.

1133
00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:17,160
Speaker 1: I think it was great, but I was in the

1134
00:54:17,160 --> 00:54:19,759
Speaker 1: backseat of the car, like eight month regent or something

1135
00:54:19,880 --> 00:54:23,279
Speaker 1: so big, in this tiny, little English car, and they're

1136
00:54:23,320 --> 00:54:25,320
Speaker 1: having the men are having a conversation without me, and

1137
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:27,799
Speaker 1: then we swing by and we pick up Evelyn, and

1138
00:54:27,800 --> 00:54:30,319
Speaker 1: Evelyn squeezes into the back with me, and she just

1139
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:36,240
Speaker 1: had this incredible quality of instantly making me feel not judged, appreciated,

1140
00:54:36,760 --> 00:54:39,160
Speaker 1: like we were just chums in on a little joke together.

1141
00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:42,200
Speaker 1: And I was, what thirty five, she was seventy. Wow,

1142
00:54:42,280 --> 00:54:45,359
Speaker 1: she was so kind. And then afterwards she goes, why

1143
00:54:45,360 --> 00:54:47,000
Speaker 1: don't we all go over to my place, we go

1144
00:54:47,080 --> 00:54:49,840
Speaker 1: play scrabble. We went, we go to her place and

1145
00:54:49,880 --> 00:54:53,000
Speaker 1: it was like this mansion and then I, you know,

1146
00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:55,640
Speaker 1: normally I would have thought, oh, here we go the

1147
00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:58,000
Speaker 1: people that I can't deal with, you know, they're just

1148
00:54:58,040 --> 00:55:00,400
Speaker 1: like they think they're so great or something. But she

1149
00:55:00,440 --> 00:55:03,239
Speaker 1: had already she was already my friend. Yeah, and I

1150
00:55:03,320 --> 00:55:06,239
Speaker 1: never would have guessed. And so I'm there in this

1151
00:55:06,320 --> 00:55:11,360
Speaker 1: beautiful home, in these dirty overalls with my giant belly.

1152
00:55:11,880 --> 00:55:14,160
Speaker 1: I think they're like men's overalls, not like maternity.

1153
00:55:14,239 --> 00:55:14,399
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1154
00:55:14,480 --> 00:55:16,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, they were from a thrift store. And she just

1155
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:19,000
Speaker 1: had this way. I had the best day. And I

1156
00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:20,840
Speaker 1: just never forgot that. I was like, how did she

1157
00:55:20,960 --> 00:55:24,880
Speaker 1: learn that? How did she get that? And so I

1158
00:55:24,920 --> 00:55:27,400
Speaker 1: found out later she's from a very famous family that

1159
00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:29,640
Speaker 1: is well known, and if you know, the name is

1160
00:55:29,640 --> 00:55:33,120
Speaker 1: well known, and I didn't know, and she just was outstanding.

1161
00:55:33,120 --> 00:55:35,560
Speaker 1: She was a great person. And sometimes I've noticed that people.

1162
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:38,879
Speaker 1: I don't think this is universally true, but the old

1163
00:55:38,880 --> 00:55:41,160
Speaker 1: resentment I had that people had to be like from

1164
00:55:41,200 --> 00:55:44,160
Speaker 1: a really rough pass to be legitimate to me, yeah, silly,

1165
00:55:44,280 --> 00:55:47,520
Speaker 1: it was silly, and wonderful people. Sometimes the reason people

1166
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:51,200
Speaker 1: are so successful is because they're wonderful, you know, definitely,

1167
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:53,520
Speaker 1: that's been my experience. How do you feel that energy,

1168
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:54,880
Speaker 1: don't you as soon as you meet someone?

1169
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:57,160
Speaker 2: Which is why you can also feel the opposite when

1170
00:55:57,200 --> 00:56:01,320
Speaker 2: you first meet someone. And how interesting, how how easy

1171
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:03,560
Speaker 2: that could shift for you, Like you've gone from not easily,

1172
00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:05,840
Speaker 2: it was a difficult journey, but there is a possibility

1173
00:56:05,880 --> 00:56:10,759
Speaker 2: to go from someone who feels inaccessible and cold to

1174
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:14,000
Speaker 2: being someone who is exactly like that makes someone feel

1175
00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:15,879
Speaker 2: warm at the moment that you meet them. Yeah, that's

1176
00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:17,719
Speaker 2: actually such a beautiful gift to have, and I think

1177
00:56:17,719 --> 00:56:20,319
Speaker 2: it takes a lot of I think it does take

1178
00:56:20,480 --> 00:56:22,840
Speaker 2: a lot of getting to know yourself and a lot

1179
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:26,000
Speaker 2: of work on yourself to be that kind of person.

1180
00:56:26,080 --> 00:56:28,480
Speaker 2: For someone like to be able to give that energy

1181
00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:29,719
Speaker 2: to someone, it takes a lot.

1182
00:56:29,800 --> 00:56:32,120
Speaker 3: I think another.

1183
00:56:32,360 --> 00:56:35,520
Speaker 2: Word that I owe, another word that I really loved

1184
00:56:35,560 --> 00:56:38,279
Speaker 2: in your book that you speak about is covert avoidance.

1185
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:41,239
Speaker 2: I actually noticed like a few qualities in myself or

1186
00:56:41,239 --> 00:56:43,719
Speaker 2: that that I've done before. Could you explain a little

1187
00:56:43,719 --> 00:56:46,000
Speaker 2: bit about it and why do so many of.

1188
00:56:46,040 --> 00:56:46,520
Speaker 3: Us do it?

1189
00:56:47,320 --> 00:56:51,440
Speaker 1: Well, there's obvious avoidance. Those are the and they talk

1190
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:53,399
Speaker 1: people like that are on my YouTube channel. They talk

1191
00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:56,040
Speaker 1: to me everyday, come at night, they leave a negative

1192
00:56:56,040 --> 00:56:59,680
Speaker 1: message yes and say start making videos about getting along

1193
00:56:59,719 --> 00:57:02,520
Speaker 1: with people. People are terrible and I hate them. Okay,

1194
00:57:02,760 --> 00:57:05,200
Speaker 1: that's a that's an overt avoid And then we talk

1195
00:57:05,239 --> 00:57:07,560
Speaker 1: about dating and avoidant. You know some of us have

1196
00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:10,800
Speaker 1: done that before once or twice yeah, and where somebody

1197
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:13,879
Speaker 1: you know just never texts back and then they show

1198
00:57:13,960 --> 00:57:17,320
Speaker 1: up and you're confused all the time and it's aggravating

1199
00:57:17,360 --> 00:57:20,720
Speaker 1: your stealing of abandonment. But then there's some of us

1200
00:57:20,840 --> 00:57:23,560
Speaker 1: we're avoidant to ourselves in hidden ways we can't see.

1201
00:57:23,640 --> 00:57:26,000
Speaker 3: It was the hidden ones that you made in Yes, yeah,

1202
00:57:26,040 --> 00:57:28,080
Speaker 3: it's hidden. Could you say some of those examples.

1203
00:57:28,120 --> 00:57:33,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, So looking at your phone at dinner, yeah, is avoidant. Yeah,

1204
00:57:33,640 --> 00:57:37,800
Speaker 1: and it's it's not really hidden, but it's culturally acceptable

1205
00:57:37,880 --> 00:57:40,000
Speaker 1: in most cases. But sometimes you got to ask yourself,

1206
00:57:40,000 --> 00:57:42,400
Speaker 1: what am I doing? I'm sitting you know, most I

1207
00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:45,600
Speaker 1: think most people feel a little fundamentally lonely. They'd like

1208
00:57:45,680 --> 00:57:48,720
Speaker 1: to feel more connected to people. And the thing is

1209
00:57:48,720 --> 00:57:51,240
Speaker 1: when your nervous system is all rattled from being online

1210
00:57:51,280 --> 00:57:53,120
Speaker 1: all day. And I know, I don't know about you,

1211
00:57:53,280 --> 00:57:55,160
Speaker 1: but you know, I work on YouTube, which has a

1212
00:57:55,240 --> 00:57:57,960
Speaker 1: lot of little side trips you can take into what

1213
00:57:58,000 --> 00:58:01,720
Speaker 1: else is going on on YouTube today, and I get

1214
00:58:01,800 --> 00:58:05,080
Speaker 1: very distracted, and then it can turn very negative. Here's

1215
00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:07,320
Speaker 1: all the people ranting about stuff, and you agree with

1216
00:58:07,360 --> 00:58:09,080
Speaker 1: them or you hate them or whatever. You know, it's

1217
00:58:09,080 --> 00:58:11,200
Speaker 1: just a lot of stuff and you're checking out. You're

1218
00:58:11,200 --> 00:58:15,400
Speaker 1: just disconnecting from the great nervous system connection that we're

1219
00:58:15,400 --> 00:58:18,720
Speaker 1: actually enjoying with other people. I like being alone. I

1220
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:21,560
Speaker 1: like a certain amount of solitude, but I can feel

1221
00:58:21,680 --> 00:58:25,000
Speaker 1: alone in a crowd, and I've been to I remember

1222
00:58:25,160 --> 00:58:27,760
Speaker 1: at the worst of my loneliness, I would go to

1223
00:58:27,800 --> 00:58:29,560
Speaker 1: a party, come home from the party, and I didn't

1224
00:58:29,600 --> 00:58:31,880
Speaker 1: have that whoa, that was a party feeling.

1225
00:58:32,160 --> 00:58:33,400
Speaker 3: I get that, I've had that before.

1226
00:58:33,520 --> 00:58:37,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, like nothing to me, Yes, nothing happened. It was

1227
00:58:37,520 --> 00:58:38,560
Speaker 1: just I was inert.

1228
00:58:38,920 --> 00:58:40,520
Speaker 3: Yeah I was there, but not that.

1229
00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:43,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was there but not there. And then the

1230
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:46,280
Speaker 1: loneliness continues and we go why why. So it's a

1231
00:58:46,360 --> 00:58:49,240
Speaker 1: lack of making a commitment to people. It's a lack

1232
00:58:49,280 --> 00:58:52,720
Speaker 1: of being present with them, and so being present, you know,

1233
00:58:52,760 --> 00:58:54,720
Speaker 1: you have to understand, like the word boundaries used to

1234
00:58:54,720 --> 00:58:57,720
Speaker 1: sound like psychobabble to me. The word being present really

1235
00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:01,200
Speaker 1: used to sound like psychobabble to me. If you've never

1236
00:59:01,240 --> 00:59:03,560
Speaker 1: done it and people go try to be present. It

1237
00:59:03,600 --> 00:59:07,120
Speaker 1: doesn't translate into anything that you know. It's something that

1238
00:59:07,200 --> 00:59:09,440
Speaker 1: I think you can think of it like a like

1239
00:59:09,480 --> 00:59:12,440
Speaker 1: you have an inner power inside an inner well and

1240
00:59:12,520 --> 00:59:15,560
Speaker 1: it slowly fills. You can deplete it, you can fill it.

1241
00:59:16,120 --> 00:59:19,320
Speaker 1: And there's certain nourishing ways of being that fill it,

1242
00:59:19,400 --> 00:59:21,640
Speaker 1: and there are things that deplete it, like having an

1243
00:59:21,720 --> 00:59:27,160
Speaker 1: argument with your partner or not taking care of yourself

1244
00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:30,840
Speaker 1: watching Netflix all day when you needed to do something else.

1245
00:59:31,360 --> 00:59:33,320
Speaker 1: You know, just the ordinary things we do. And it

1246
00:59:33,360 --> 00:59:35,080
Speaker 1: could be worse, you know, for you know, it could

1247
00:59:35,120 --> 00:59:39,520
Speaker 1: be much worse. Not apologizing to somebody. You know, you

1248
00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:43,760
Speaker 1: just hurt. We just disconnect. We disconnect. And when you're

1249
00:59:44,080 --> 00:59:47,120
Speaker 1: in the habit of being disconnected, and it's not always conscious,

1250
00:59:47,680 --> 00:59:49,320
Speaker 1: the thing is, if you're just if you're a person

1251
00:59:49,360 --> 00:59:53,080
Speaker 1: who's just regulated, you have to disconnect. It's just too

1252
00:59:53,120 --> 00:59:56,000
Speaker 1: stressful to be connected to people if you can't manage

1253
00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:59,160
Speaker 1: your own nervous system, and so you're always holding yourself

1254
00:59:59,160 --> 01:00:01,800
Speaker 1: at a certain distance. And how I cracked it. I

1255
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:04,800
Speaker 1: figured it out. We'll go every once in a while,

1256
01:00:04,800 --> 01:00:06,080
Speaker 1: I go on a big push. I'm not going to

1257
01:00:06,120 --> 01:00:07,840
Speaker 1: do it now. I'm going to be like social. I'm

1258
01:00:07,880 --> 01:00:09,600
Speaker 1: going to join a bunch of groups and I'm going

1259
01:00:09,680 --> 01:00:12,440
Speaker 1: to volunteer and I'll bring the brownies to the school

1260
01:00:12,520 --> 01:00:15,760
Speaker 1: and I'll do the thing. And then I'll do like

1261
01:00:15,840 --> 01:00:18,000
Speaker 1: ten things and within half a day, I'm just.

1262
01:00:17,920 --> 01:00:19,360
Speaker 3: Like I need to sit in a dark room. Can't

1263
01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:20,080
Speaker 3: hold anyone.

1264
01:00:20,200 --> 01:00:22,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, these people are crazy. I can't do it. So

1265
01:00:22,520 --> 01:00:25,400
Speaker 1: it's really this slow process of letting your well get

1266
01:00:25,440 --> 01:00:29,439
Speaker 1: full every day, or as you go to take care

1267
01:00:29,480 --> 01:00:32,200
Speaker 1: of yourself, to fill the well, to use your meditation,

1268
01:00:32,360 --> 01:00:35,080
Speaker 1: to use your tools to move your body, to eat

1269
01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:37,640
Speaker 1: good food, just the usual stuff. And you won't even

1270
01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:39,560
Speaker 1: get it all right every day. You never will, but

1271
01:00:39,600 --> 01:00:42,160
Speaker 1: you might do a couple of good things and then

1272
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:45,480
Speaker 1: you start to you can become present a little bit,

1273
01:00:46,160 --> 01:00:49,440
Speaker 1: but these obstacles will always stop you every time. So

1274
01:00:49,520 --> 01:00:53,040
Speaker 1: it's avoidance, just straight up avoidance or covert avoidance, holding

1275
01:00:53,040 --> 01:00:56,520
Speaker 1: people at arm's length. It's not having boundaries. It's having

1276
01:00:56,600 --> 01:00:59,960
Speaker 1: a life that's populated with mean people or troubled people.

1277
01:01:00,080 --> 01:01:01,560
Speaker 1: Like if you grew up with trauma and you've been

1278
01:01:01,560 --> 01:01:05,680
Speaker 1: living disconnected, that's what happens. And so it's always like

1279
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:10,320
Speaker 1: I hate my job, I hate my partner, I hate

1280
01:01:10,360 --> 01:01:13,440
Speaker 1: my neighbors. My friends are just like a bunch of gossips.

1281
01:01:14,040 --> 01:01:17,080
Speaker 1: It's this and you know what, you know, that's actually

1282
01:01:17,160 --> 01:01:20,959
Speaker 1: who we've allowed into our lives because we're so disconnected

1283
01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:24,400
Speaker 1: that the people who were connectable, who had connectability, they

1284
01:01:24,440 --> 01:01:26,840
Speaker 1: weren't available to us. So we end up with these

1285
01:01:26,960 --> 01:01:29,479
Speaker 1: people who just they don't fit us. And then there's

1286
01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:32,280
Speaker 1: this sad stage when you let those people go. It's

1287
01:01:32,320 --> 01:01:35,240
Speaker 1: a leap of faith because and everybody I've worked with,

1288
01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:37,200
Speaker 1: coach so many people on this, They're like, but if

1289
01:01:37,240 --> 01:01:40,520
Speaker 1: I'm not friends with these gossip being steam, who else

1290
01:01:40,560 --> 01:01:44,000
Speaker 1: do I have? I'm like, just release, just like, stop

1291
01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:47,520
Speaker 1: putting energy into it. See what happens. You'd be alone

1292
01:01:47,560 --> 01:01:50,960
Speaker 1: for a while. And this is your special period, your

1293
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:55,200
Speaker 1: monastic period. You know, now you will live like a monk,

1294
01:01:56,280 --> 01:02:02,200
Speaker 1: right like your husband did. But now it's this period

1295
01:02:02,200 --> 01:02:05,000
Speaker 1: of deep awareness and self reflection where you can begin

1296
01:02:05,040 --> 01:02:07,960
Speaker 1: to notice where it is, where you're pulling away, where

1297
01:02:08,240 --> 01:02:11,520
Speaker 1: what's hard for you, how can you strengthen yourself? And

1298
01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:14,280
Speaker 1: then you begin to develop the boundaries, you begin to

1299
01:02:14,320 --> 01:02:18,320
Speaker 1: develop social grace to all of us are a little

1300
01:02:18,360 --> 01:02:22,240
Speaker 1: socially awkward. Socially awkwardness is endearing if if it's not

1301
01:02:22,280 --> 01:02:24,960
Speaker 1: full of self hatred. Cute. Yeah.

1302
01:02:25,200 --> 01:02:27,080
Speaker 2: The two that you mentioned also to do with the

1303
01:02:27,080 --> 01:02:29,800
Speaker 2: avoidance in the book, was you don't end up you

1304
01:02:29,920 --> 01:02:33,120
Speaker 2: kind of avoid making solid plans with someone we could

1305
01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:35,480
Speaker 2: meet up, or you're like, yeah, lady, you never let

1306
01:02:35,560 --> 01:02:36,200
Speaker 2: them know you.

1307
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:38,360
Speaker 1: Live in LA at least, like the worst, yeah, they

1308
01:02:38,400 --> 01:02:38,640
Speaker 1: do that.

1309
01:02:38,680 --> 01:02:40,800
Speaker 2: And then the other one was when people message you

1310
01:02:40,840 --> 01:02:42,840
Speaker 2: and you're like, you know, you see the message, but

1311
01:02:42,880 --> 01:02:44,560
Speaker 2: you just don't message back at the moment, like you

1312
01:02:44,640 --> 01:02:46,760
Speaker 2: end up taking a long time to reply back to people.

1313
01:02:46,800 --> 01:02:47,720
Speaker 3: You just go like.

1314
01:02:49,320 --> 01:02:51,960
Speaker 1: Or whatever, and actually what's needed is okay, when is

1315
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:55,000
Speaker 1: your surgery or you know, And I.

1316
01:02:55,000 --> 01:02:57,040
Speaker 2: Noticed I was doing so much of that, and I

1317
01:02:57,040 --> 01:02:59,200
Speaker 2: had to consciously so even in the moment when I

1318
01:02:59,280 --> 01:03:00,880
Speaker 2: was when I was see the message and I'll put

1319
01:03:00,880 --> 01:03:02,920
Speaker 2: my phone away, I had to bring the practice back

1320
01:03:02,960 --> 01:03:05,280
Speaker 2: of getting my phone back out and replying there. And

1321
01:03:05,280 --> 01:03:06,800
Speaker 2: then I'm like, if I don't do this, now I

1322
01:03:06,840 --> 01:03:09,280
Speaker 2: know I'm not gonna do it, and then setting dates

1323
01:03:09,320 --> 01:03:11,760
Speaker 2: and times to actually meet people. And because if you

1324
01:03:12,000 --> 01:03:14,960
Speaker 2: and I remember thinking, especially when I moved to LA

1325
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:17,600
Speaker 2: and I was craving community, it was a choice of Okay,

1326
01:03:17,600 --> 01:03:19,200
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna wait for the community to come to me,

1327
01:03:19,240 --> 01:03:20,800
Speaker 2: and I'm gonna wait for that to happen, which, by

1328
01:03:20,800 --> 01:03:23,760
Speaker 2: the way, doesn't normally happen or you actually have to

1329
01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:26,880
Speaker 2: make the conscious effort to create that. And that means

1330
01:03:27,080 --> 01:03:30,440
Speaker 2: if you want connection, you can't not reply to people,

1331
01:03:30,680 --> 01:03:33,840
Speaker 2: you can't not set dates to meet people. So there's

1332
01:03:34,200 --> 01:03:37,240
Speaker 2: there's something about, Okay, my mind is saying I want something,

1333
01:03:37,280 --> 01:03:39,640
Speaker 2: but are my actions showing that I actually want it?

1334
01:03:39,920 --> 01:03:42,520
Speaker 2: And if the two are disconnected, then it's not going

1335
01:03:42,560 --> 01:03:45,280
Speaker 2: to happen. So I can desire to have a community,

1336
01:03:45,760 --> 01:03:47,680
Speaker 2: but what am I What actions.

1337
01:03:47,360 --> 01:03:48,120
Speaker 3: Am I actually taking?

1338
01:03:48,160 --> 01:03:51,240
Speaker 2: What's my physical body and my mind doing to actually

1339
01:03:51,280 --> 01:03:53,840
Speaker 2: make that happen? And I think sometimes we can think

1340
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,960
Speaker 2: that our desires are so strong and so pure, and

1341
01:03:55,960 --> 01:03:57,720
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, but I really want this, but it's

1342
01:03:57,760 --> 01:03:58,360
Speaker 2: not happening.

1343
01:03:58,560 --> 01:04:00,280
Speaker 3: But you're the one that may not be happening making

1344
01:04:00,280 --> 01:04:00,880
Speaker 3: it happen.

1345
01:04:00,760 --> 01:04:01,400
Speaker 1: Isn't it true?

1346
01:04:01,560 --> 01:04:03,760
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, but you can really believe it.

1347
01:04:03,760 --> 01:04:06,040
Speaker 2: It's a sad, sob story in your mind because you

1348
01:04:06,160 --> 01:04:08,840
Speaker 2: really want it so badly, But the wanting it so

1349
01:04:08,960 --> 01:04:12,040
Speaker 2: badly has to be matched with action of doing it

1350
01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:12,640
Speaker 2: so badly.

1351
01:04:13,120 --> 01:04:15,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's really easy to go into your head though,

1352
01:04:15,240 --> 01:04:15,760
Speaker 1: like I don't want to.

1353
01:04:16,840 --> 01:04:20,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly. It's so true.

1354
01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:24,000
Speaker 1: When I lived in La I I'm from northern California

1355
01:04:24,120 --> 01:04:26,400
Speaker 1: and we have our own kind of things, you know,

1356
01:04:27,120 --> 01:04:31,000
Speaker 1: but in England. England is also tricky for me. But

1357
01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:34,160
Speaker 1: I feel more at home in England than I do.

1358
01:04:34,560 --> 01:04:37,200
Speaker 1: I do, Yeah, I've always I always have. But they

1359
01:04:37,440 --> 01:04:39,160
Speaker 1: what I don't understand about English people.

1360
01:04:39,280 --> 01:04:41,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, please tell me. I'll help you understand us.

1361
01:04:42,120 --> 01:04:46,560
Speaker 1: Yeah. When they say they're annoyed, oh, annoyed, Yeah, annoyed

1362
01:04:46,600 --> 01:04:51,880
Speaker 1: here means like saying I'm really annoyed with you. Oh yeah, here,

1363
01:04:51,960 --> 01:04:54,520
Speaker 1: that just means so what like a little fly sort

1364
01:04:54,520 --> 01:04:55,760
Speaker 1: of yeah? Way you know.

1365
01:04:56,200 --> 01:04:57,760
Speaker 3: No, that means I'm pissed.

1366
01:04:58,080 --> 01:05:00,480
Speaker 1: They're mad, Yeah, yeah, they're They're like they could be

1367
01:05:00,520 --> 01:05:03,400
Speaker 1: they could be furious with you. Yes, And so I've

1368
01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:05,160
Speaker 1: had to learn that with my husband too. Some of

1369
01:05:05,200 --> 01:05:08,080
Speaker 1: the words don't quite mean the language. No, I'm like,

1370
01:05:08,080 --> 01:05:10,000
Speaker 1: but you only said you were annoyed, and he's like,

1371
01:05:10,280 --> 01:05:12,760
Speaker 1: and you needed to take it seriously. I'm like, but

1372
01:05:12,840 --> 01:05:13,640
Speaker 1: it's annoyance.

1373
01:05:14,840 --> 01:05:16,680
Speaker 2: What do you what? I would have to hear what

1374
01:05:16,720 --> 01:05:18,680
Speaker 2: you think the hardest truth from all the people that

1375
01:05:18,760 --> 01:05:22,080
Speaker 2: you have coached online and that you've helped through. What

1376
01:05:22,120 --> 01:05:24,120
Speaker 2: do you think has been the hardest truth for people

1377
01:05:24,200 --> 01:05:26,600
Speaker 2: to actually hear or learn about healing that they don't

1378
01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:27,320
Speaker 2: want to accept.

1379
01:05:28,760 --> 01:05:30,920
Speaker 1: Well, it's really good news. Actually, it's like I call

1380
01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:33,760
Speaker 1: it the epiphany. Yeah, when I when people work with

1381
01:05:33,800 --> 01:05:36,000
Speaker 1: me long enough to have their epiphany like I did,

1382
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:37,640
Speaker 1: there's this day that comes where all of a sudden,

1383
01:05:37,680 --> 01:05:42,600
Speaker 1: you go, I'm doing this to myself. Yeah, that's the

1384
01:05:42,640 --> 01:05:45,320
Speaker 1: great moment. And so some people are not ready for

1385
01:05:45,360 --> 01:05:48,240
Speaker 1: that moment. It feels like in validation, like they're still

1386
01:05:48,240 --> 01:05:50,400
Speaker 1: dealing with stuff that was done to them and it

1387
01:05:50,440 --> 01:05:53,880
Speaker 1: doesn't feel fair too. They just like, why do I

1388
01:05:54,000 --> 01:05:55,720
Speaker 1: have to be the one to heal? Why do I

1389
01:05:55,800 --> 01:05:57,440
Speaker 1: have to look at errors? What was done to me

1390
01:05:57,560 --> 01:06:01,120
Speaker 1: was so wrong and so terrible. And that's true. And

1391
01:06:01,200 --> 01:06:03,360
Speaker 1: if you're in that state, it's really hard to do

1392
01:06:03,400 --> 01:06:05,840
Speaker 1: something like you know, there's this trend right now where

1393
01:06:05,840 --> 01:06:08,520
Speaker 1: people cut contact with their family. Yeah, and I think

1394
01:06:08,560 --> 01:06:11,560
Speaker 1: that's an expression of being in that place where the

1395
01:06:11,560 --> 01:06:16,200
Speaker 1: wounds are still have got all your attention now, I'm not,

1396
01:06:16,320 --> 01:06:18,960
Speaker 1: you know. I think for if a person, if a

1397
01:06:18,960 --> 01:06:21,600
Speaker 1: person thinks maybe they're ready to move on and they're struggling,

1398
01:06:21,960 --> 01:06:24,840
Speaker 1: some one question is, well, who's helping you? Are you

1399
01:06:24,920 --> 01:06:27,080
Speaker 1: listening to people. Do you have friends or a therapist

1400
01:06:27,200 --> 01:06:29,920
Speaker 1: maybe who's really bought into the idea that everything is

1401
01:06:29,960 --> 01:06:33,600
Speaker 1: about what was done to you, Because that's true. It happened,

1402
01:06:33,600 --> 01:06:36,440
Speaker 1: and it was terrible and it wasn't your fault. But

1403
01:06:36,480 --> 01:06:40,440
Speaker 1: thankfully it's not happening anymore. And now you know now

1404
01:06:40,480 --> 01:06:44,320
Speaker 1: like you still have days a live here to open

1405
01:06:44,360 --> 01:06:48,360
Speaker 1: your heart, to get some strength in your spirit and

1406
01:06:48,400 --> 01:06:51,320
Speaker 1: some boundaries to be able to go forward and become

1407
01:06:51,360 --> 01:06:53,960
Speaker 1: who you are. Think we're too quick to think that

1408
01:06:54,080 --> 01:06:58,360
Speaker 1: healing means, oh I'm not sad anymore, or I stopped

1409
01:06:58,440 --> 01:07:01,360
Speaker 1: talking to the bad people. But that's that comes with

1410
01:07:01,400 --> 01:07:06,200
Speaker 1: its own sadness. Healing to me is when you know

1411
01:07:06,280 --> 01:07:09,040
Speaker 1: all this, all these problems are out of the way sufficiently.

1412
01:07:09,080 --> 01:07:11,560
Speaker 1: There's always going to be problems, but they don't they

1413
01:07:11,560 --> 01:07:14,800
Speaker 1: don't rock your boat so much, and all your energy.

1414
01:07:14,880 --> 01:07:18,000
Speaker 1: This is the great thing about being growing older, even

1415
01:07:18,160 --> 01:07:21,000
Speaker 1: like all your energy can go into the thing that

1416
01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:24,400
Speaker 1: you were made to do, and everybody knows. You know,

1417
01:07:24,880 --> 01:07:27,480
Speaker 1: you know that there's something better in there in you

1418
01:07:27,680 --> 01:07:29,960
Speaker 1: than whatever you have to muck around with right now

1419
01:07:30,320 --> 01:07:32,880
Speaker 1: or wherever you've got yourself stuck. You know, we've all

1420
01:07:32,880 --> 01:07:35,320
Speaker 1: had to have the creddy jobs or you know, the

1421
01:07:35,360 --> 01:07:38,600
Speaker 1: bad roommates or difficult you know, heartbreaks and things. We

1422
01:07:38,640 --> 01:07:42,440
Speaker 1: all go through hard things, but it gets better. It

1423
01:07:42,480 --> 01:07:45,600
Speaker 1: gets better. And the thing that everybody was waiting for,

1424
01:07:45,800 --> 01:07:48,560
Speaker 1: the thing that I want to be saying when I'm

1425
01:07:48,840 --> 01:07:51,240
Speaker 1: at the last day of my life is like, I'm

1426
01:07:51,320 --> 01:07:54,200
Speaker 1: so glad I learned to love everybody. I'm so glad

1427
01:07:54,240 --> 01:07:58,000
Speaker 1: I feel loved. Learning to love people is it's like

1428
01:07:58,040 --> 01:08:01,520
Speaker 1: the greatest endeavor. It's the great endeavor, That's what it is.

1429
01:08:01,600 --> 01:08:04,320
Speaker 1: So when so much focus on how terrible they are,

1430
01:08:04,960 --> 01:08:07,000
Speaker 1: it's it's not that it's not true, but if it's

1431
01:08:07,040 --> 01:08:08,760
Speaker 1: all you ever talk about, it's going to take you

1432
01:08:08,840 --> 01:08:10,560
Speaker 1: away from the thing that will make you the.

1433
01:08:10,520 --> 01:08:13,560
Speaker 2: Ability to love. I really thank you so much for

1434
01:08:13,600 --> 01:08:16,719
Speaker 2: this conversation. This was honestly so beautiful. And I really

1435
01:08:16,760 --> 01:08:19,160
Speaker 2: do think as much as your book is, you know,

1436
01:08:19,160 --> 01:08:22,679
Speaker 2: focus on people that may have CPTSD or that have

1437
01:08:22,720 --> 01:08:25,960
Speaker 2: gone through childhood trauma, I actually think it is literally

1438
01:08:26,000 --> 01:08:29,040
Speaker 2: for every single person, because I think we all could

1439
01:08:29,040 --> 01:08:32,080
Speaker 2: connect deeper, we can all create better relationships, we can

1440
01:08:32,120 --> 01:08:35,240
Speaker 2: all work on ourselves, and that beautiful practice that you

1441
01:08:35,360 --> 01:08:38,160
Speaker 2: share in that book. I think it is for every

1442
01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:41,519
Speaker 2: single person. So as much as we've spoken about childhood

1443
01:08:41,520 --> 01:08:44,479
Speaker 2: trauma and PTSD, I am genuinely saying that I think

1444
01:08:44,479 --> 01:08:47,040
Speaker 2: this book is something that we can that will just

1445
01:08:47,040 --> 01:08:51,000
Speaker 2: help us become better people and better humans for the

1446
01:08:51,280 --> 01:08:53,960
Speaker 2: collective consciousness and help raise that.

1447
01:08:54,120 --> 01:08:56,200
Speaker 3: So thank you so much for being here.

1448
01:08:56,240 --> 01:08:58,840
Speaker 2: It's just such a beautiful conversation and I can't wait

1449
01:08:58,880 --> 01:09:00,360
Speaker 2: to dive deeper into the book us.

1450
01:09:00,800 --> 01:09:02,840
Speaker 1: It's a step by step path, not just a lot

1451
01:09:02,840 --> 01:09:05,680
Speaker 1: of talk. I definitely know you what to do do this.

1452
01:09:06,400 --> 01:09:06,720
Speaker 1: Thank you.

1453
01:09:08,640 --> 01:09:15,320
Speaker 3: M m m hmmmmmmm