Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,
Speaker 1: This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's
Speaker 1: tip is to loop for understanding. This technique for challenging
Speaker 1: conversations can help keep things from boiling over and helps
Speaker 1: make sure that everyone feels heard. Today's tip, like another
Speaker 1: one this week, comes from Charles Dohig's new book, Super Communicators.
Speaker 1: In this book, Dohig shares strategies for having better conversations
Speaker 1: so you can connect with people more effectively. Sometimes conversations
Speaker 1: are easy, and sometimes they are not. Dohig shares some
Speaker 1: stories of experiments that have brought together people with wildly
Speaker 1: different views on hot button topics and have taught them
Speaker 1: constructive conversational strategies. One that all of us can try
Speaker 1: in our own lives is to loop for understanding. Here's
Speaker 1: how this works. You can ask the speaker questions and
Speaker 1: then reflect back what you heard and confirm that you understand. So,
Speaker 1: for instance, if your spouse is upset because he or
Speaker 1: she feels like they are always doing the bedtime routine
Speaker 1: with your kids, your response should not be what do
Speaker 1: you mean I did it tuesday? You never give me
Speaker 1: credit for anything as you can imagine, this is not
Speaker 1: going to make the situation any better. Indeed, the two
Speaker 1: of you might start fighting and maybe even wake the
Speaker 1: kids up so you both have to do bedtime duty again.
Speaker 1: Looping for understanding would mean that, after you've asked your
Speaker 1: spouse some questions about how he or she is feeling
Speaker 1: and about these frustrations, you would say something like, you're
Speaker 1: feeling overwhelmed because you're tired after work and you want
Speaker 1: to relax, but the kids often fight bedtime. Did I
Speaker 1: get that right? You reflect back what the person says,
Speaker 1: and then add that little check did I get that right?
Speaker 1: Unless you have completely flubbed your reading of what the
Speaker 1: person just said, Asking did I get that right? Encourages
Speaker 1: the person to say yes, which means that here she
Speaker 1: is acknowledging that they feel heard. Now, you've never said
Speaker 1: that you agree with the person, or even that you
Speaker 1: think that the complaint is valid. You are simply acknowledging
Speaker 1: that the person feels that way and that you understand
Speaker 1: what the person is feeling. If for some reason you
Speaker 1: haven't quite understood what the person is saying, asking did
Speaker 1: I get that right? Allows them to elaborate and share
Speaker 1: more until you are clear on what's going on. People
Speaker 1: who study conversations have found that this looping for understanding
Speaker 1: technique can keep things from boiling over. Now, it obviously
Speaker 1: doesn't solve the problem, but it puts people in a
Speaker 1: place where a solution might be possible. Whereas if you
Speaker 1: are screaming that doing the bedtime routine one time over
Speaker 1: the past two weeks doesn't make anyone the spouse of
Speaker 1: the year, well, that is not going to lead to
Speaker 1: much of anything good. So the next time you wind
Speaker 1: up in a hot conversation, just try it, reflect back
Speaker 1: what the other person said in your own words and
Speaker 1: ask if you got it right. If you did, great,
Speaker 1: If you didn't, they will let you know, and then
Speaker 1: you can ask a few more questions and summarize again
Speaker 1: until you do get it right. With any luck, the
Speaker 1: person will then do the same for you and you
Speaker 1: can share how you are feeling. Oftentimes, people want to
Speaker 1: be heard just as much as they want solutions, and
Speaker 1: looping for understanding can make that happen. In the meantime,
Speaker 1: this is Laura, Thanks for listening, and here's to making
Speaker 1: the most of our tasks. Thanks for listening to Before breakfast,
Speaker 1: If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach
Speaker 1: me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast
Speaker 1: is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia,
Speaker 1: please visit the Ihear Art radio app, Apple Podcasts, or
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.