WEBVTT - Loop for understanding

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,

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<v Speaker 1>This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's

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<v Speaker 1>tip is to loop for understanding. This technique for challenging

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<v Speaker 1>conversations can help keep things from boiling over and helps

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<v Speaker 1>make sure that everyone feels heard. Today's tip, like another

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<v Speaker 1>one this week, comes from Charles Dohig's new book, Super Communicators.

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<v Speaker 1>In this book, Dohig shares strategies for having better conversations

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<v Speaker 1>so you can connect with people more effectively. Sometimes conversations

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<v Speaker 1>are easy, and sometimes they are not. Dohig shares some

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<v Speaker 1>stories of experiments that have brought together people with wildly

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<v Speaker 1>different views on hot button topics and have taught them

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<v Speaker 1>constructive conversational strategies. One that all of us can try

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<v Speaker 1>in our own lives is to loop for understanding. Here's

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<v Speaker 1>how this works. You can ask the speaker questions and

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<v Speaker 1>then reflect back what you heard and confirm that you understand. So,

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<v Speaker 1>for instance, if your spouse is upset because he or

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<v Speaker 1>she feels like they are always doing the bedtime routine

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<v Speaker 1>with your kids, your response should not be what do

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<v Speaker 1>you mean I did it tuesday? You never give me

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<v Speaker 1>credit for anything as you can imagine, this is not

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<v Speaker 1>going to make the situation any better. Indeed, the two

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<v Speaker 1>of you might start fighting and maybe even wake the

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<v Speaker 1>kids up so you both have to do bedtime duty again.

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<v Speaker 1>Looping for understanding would mean that, after you've asked your

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<v Speaker 1>spouse some questions about how he or she is feeling

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<v Speaker 1>and about these frustrations, you would say something like, you're

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<v Speaker 1>feeling overwhelmed because you're tired after work and you want

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<v Speaker 1>to relax, but the kids often fight bedtime. Did I

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<v Speaker 1>get that right? You reflect back what the person says,

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<v Speaker 1>and then add that little check did I get that right?

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<v Speaker 1>Unless you have completely flubbed your reading of what the

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<v Speaker 1>person just said, Asking did I get that right? Encourages

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<v Speaker 1>the person to say yes, which means that here she

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<v Speaker 1>is acknowledging that they feel heard. Now, you've never said

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<v Speaker 1>that you agree with the person, or even that you

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<v Speaker 1>think that the complaint is valid. You are simply acknowledging

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<v Speaker 1>that the person feels that way and that you understand

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<v Speaker 1>what the person is feeling. If for some reason you

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<v Speaker 1>haven't quite understood what the person is saying, asking did

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<v Speaker 1>I get that right? Allows them to elaborate and share

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<v Speaker 1>more until you are clear on what's going on. People

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<v Speaker 1>who study conversations have found that this looping for understanding

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<v Speaker 1>technique can keep things from boiling over. Now, it obviously

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't solve the problem, but it puts people in a

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<v Speaker 1>place where a solution might be possible. Whereas if you

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<v Speaker 1>are screaming that doing the bedtime routine one time over

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<v Speaker 1>the past two weeks doesn't make anyone the spouse of

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<v Speaker 1>the year, well, that is not going to lead to

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<v Speaker 1>much of anything good. So the next time you wind

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<v Speaker 1>up in a hot conversation, just try it, reflect back

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<v Speaker 1>what the other person said in your own words and

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<v Speaker 1>ask if you got it right. If you did, great,

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<v Speaker 1>If you didn't, they will let you know, and then

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<v Speaker 1>you can ask a few more questions and summarize again

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<v Speaker 1>until you do get it right. With any luck, the

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<v Speaker 1>person will then do the same for you and you

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<v Speaker 1>can share how you are feeling. Oftentimes, people want to

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<v Speaker 1>be heard just as much as they want solutions, and

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<v Speaker 1>looping for understanding can make that happen. In the meantime,

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<v Speaker 1>this is Laura, Thanks for listening, and here's to making

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<v Speaker 1>the most of our tasks. Thanks for listening to Before breakfast,

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<v Speaker 1>If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach

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<v Speaker 1>me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast

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<v Speaker 1>is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia,

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<v Speaker 1>please visit the Ihear Art radio app, Apple Podcasts, or

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<v Speaker 1>wherever you listen to your favorite shows.