Speaker 1: This is the most traumatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 1: Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from the
Speaker 1: home office in Austin, Texas. Hope everybody's having a great week.
Speaker 1: Hope you're doing fantastic. Today we were discussing LZ with
Speaker 1: the kids. We were talking sex with the kids. That
Speaker 1: sounds bad, but we were talking about just dating with kids,
Speaker 1: having discussions, but also like how kids are growing up
Speaker 1: and how they grow up so fast now and how
Speaker 1: that kind of changes the conversations you have to have
Speaker 1: with them and their perceptions about sex, dating and the like,
Speaker 1: and so we thought, let's jump on, let's bring this
Speaker 1: to the masses.
Speaker 2: Well, I really was an advocate on this because I
Speaker 2: think you've done an excellent job with your kids in
Speaker 2: terms of talking to them about dating.
Speaker 3: I'm actually, you know what, I don't know if I
Speaker 3: know about how.
Speaker 2: Much you would talk to them about sex or not.
Speaker 2: Maybe I'll learn some stuff on the podcast right now,
Speaker 2: but I think that you have just crushed it with
Speaker 2: the way that you are open with them. I mean,
Speaker 2: I don't want to speak for you or I want
Speaker 2: you to kind of give your tips on it, but
Speaker 2: what I have seen to set the scene is I
Speaker 2: have seen an environment with both Josh and Taylor where
Speaker 2: they come to you for dating advice, where they tell
Speaker 2: you when they're dating someone. I mean they would even
Speaker 2: tell you, oh my god, I kiss somebody the other night,
Speaker 2: and they'll kind of even get to some of that,
Speaker 2: you know, more intimate stuff with you a little bit.
Speaker 2: And I think that it's really beautiful to see. It's
Speaker 2: when I watch you talk to the kids about dating,
Speaker 2: and I speak to them about it too, obviously, but
Speaker 2: sure it's what I wish I had with my parents
Speaker 2: a little bit, and probably especially with my dad. I
Speaker 2: never and I don't fault him for this, it's a
Speaker 2: different generation, but I never felt comfortable talking to my
Speaker 2: dad about dating, and no, my dad was like very
Speaker 2: I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 3: It felt judgmental. Yeah, it was a flaw of his.
Speaker 2: And I think when your kids don't feel comfortable, that's
Speaker 2: when they start hiding things from you.
Speaker 3: That's when secrets start.
Speaker 2: And I think if you ask any parent, they would say,
Speaker 2: I don't want my kids to hide things from me.
Speaker 3: So what is the solution, babe?
Speaker 2: How do you feel like you created this environment that
Speaker 2: I'm describing where the kids share their dating lives with you.
Speaker 1: I think first and foremost, it's something that you and
Speaker 1: I both believe in with parenting be involved in their life.
Speaker 1: You have to build a foundation before you can put
Speaker 1: the roof on, Meaning you can't just show up when
Speaker 1: they're thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years old and dive into a
Speaker 1: conversation or expect them to open up to you if
Speaker 1: you haven't built that foundation when they're younger, or when
Speaker 1: you started your relationship with them in your case, or
Speaker 1: someone coming into their lives. If you don't start that
Speaker 1: from the beginning and have that kind of relations and ship,
Speaker 1: you can't just be like, well, why why wouldn't you
Speaker 1: tell me that. It's like, well, we've never talked about that.
Speaker 1: So I would say first and foremost, and it's never
Speaker 1: too late to start. But start having a conversation. That's
Speaker 1: not important. That's not about sex, it's not about dating.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to mean anything. But you're just finding
Speaker 1: out about their life, asking them questions. It could be
Speaker 1: about their soccer practice, their theater, you know, whatever it is.
Speaker 1: Are you scared about your audition, tell me about that,
Speaker 1: you know, just start those conversations about feelings and emotions.
Speaker 2: I asked, do you think part of that was because
Speaker 2: you're so right and I've seen you do that with
Speaker 2: Like I'm thinking about how you even know a lot
Speaker 2: about the kids' friends and I my dad. I mean,
Speaker 2: my dad cared about my life, but I think my
Speaker 2: dad got a lot of like the information about me from.
Speaker 1: My mom and your mom definitely did that work?
Speaker 3: Well, No, but I'm.
Speaker 2: Really asking is that do you think that was a
Speaker 2: product of you being divorced that because you were divorced,
Speaker 2: it forced me more into that you kind of had
Speaker 2: to like that stuff out from the kids directly to
Speaker 2: have those conversations. You had that one on one time
Speaker 2: with them versus like sometimes in a marriage, is one
Speaker 2: partner maybe the more conduit to the kids.
Speaker 3: What do you think I.
Speaker 1: Think there is something to that. I would like to
Speaker 1: think I was communicative with them and would have been
Speaker 1: very much involved in their lives. And you know, I
Speaker 1: think jobs it was like nine and Tay may have
Speaker 1: been seven when we got divorced. The they were young,
Speaker 1: but I still was already very involved in their lives.
Speaker 1: But yeah, No, when you are obviously a single parent,
Speaker 1: you have much more intimate moments where it's just you
Speaker 1: and you're just dealing with their issues and their problems
Speaker 1: because you know no one else is there to lean on.
Speaker 1: Even though their mom was very much involved in big
Speaker 1: situations and all that, on the day to day you're
Speaker 1: having those conversations, and when the kids weren't with me,
Speaker 1: you wanted to stay active in their lives. So it
Speaker 1: probably forced me to call them more and text more
Speaker 1: and find out what was going on. So yeah, I
Speaker 1: bet that did play into it a little bit for sure.
Speaker 1: But I think it is important, no matter what your
Speaker 1: situation is to build that foundation because when it's important,
Speaker 1: they need to know they already have that trust. They
Speaker 1: know how you're going to react, right, They know that
Speaker 1: you're not judgmental, or they know you may be judgmental,
Speaker 1: so however you are, they get to know how you're
Speaker 1: going to be in those situations so they're ready for
Speaker 1: it as well.
Speaker 2: Wow, I think what you're saying is so important right now,
Speaker 2: because you're right. You're really I've never thought about this,
Speaker 2: but yeah, probably me not telling my parents that much
Speaker 2: about dating wasn't even because I also didn't tell my
Speaker 2: mom that much about my dating life. I was afraid
Speaker 2: of her as well, and probably what it stemmed for
Speaker 2: wasn't even necessarily how you know, wasn't built on reactions
Speaker 2: to my dating, but it was built on reactions to
Speaker 2: other things. Like you know, my parents were very and
Speaker 2: I can't vault them. I think it turned out pretty good,
Speaker 2: but it was reactionary. Like if I didn't get a
Speaker 2: good grade at school, it was it was met with anger,
Speaker 2: you know. So and it wasn't like, well, what went
Speaker 2: wrong and are you It was like I did something.
Speaker 1: Wrong and I was in trouble tried to hide it
Speaker 1: a little bit.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So then I and that's probably what I thought, Well,
Speaker 2: if they react this way, then they're going to react
Speaker 2: a certain way about dating stuff.
Speaker 1: But I also think that my generation of parents the
Speaker 1: helicopter parents. You know, there was the latch key kids,
Speaker 1: and then that led to the helicopter parents.
Speaker 3: I mean, you are a helicopter parent.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I would like to think I'm not, but
Speaker 1: that's your generation. Yeah, But my generation definitely was, and
Speaker 1: I probably was to a certain degree. And what that
Speaker 1: led to was this instant knowledge, right, And part of
Speaker 1: this was parents just didn't have access For example, when
Speaker 1: Josh or Taylor's in school they did bad on a test,
Speaker 1: you would get a notice or you could check online
Speaker 1: before the kids ever got out of school. And so
Speaker 1: that you know, your child gets out of school.
Speaker 3: And do you think it's a good thing.
Speaker 1: It's a horrible thing. It's a horrible thing. I think
Speaker 1: it's a really bad thing anyway. I mean, I think
Speaker 1: there's probably a flip side to it. But when your
Speaker 1: kid gets out of school before they even you know,
Speaker 1: get the juice box and relax. You're like, what happened
Speaker 1: on your math test today? It's like, well, like come on, like,
Speaker 1: give me a chance to But and I think what
Speaker 1: that took away from a generation is I'm not saying
Speaker 1: this is a good or bad thing, but I had
Speaker 1: the opportunity to make mistakes and then correct those mistakes. Okay, Chris,
Speaker 1: you got three more weeks to get that great up
Speaker 1: before mom and dad find.
Speaker 3: Out how I get the report card.
Speaker 1: That's called problem solving, being a good businessman, being a
Speaker 1: good negotiator. You know, there were all these life lessons
Speaker 1: that you had to learn because you had to get
Speaker 1: to this end goal as opposed to well, I know
Speaker 1: that mom just found you know, you don't have an
Speaker 1: opportunity to fix anything before you just your life blows up.
Speaker 1: And I don't like the instant knowledge and the instant
Speaker 1: ramifications of a decision or a moment when you got
Speaker 1: to have a time to grow those skills in life,
Speaker 1: if that makes sense. And so I think the helicopter
Speaker 1: parents like we quickly learned, like you got to pull back. Man,
Speaker 1: You've got to give these kids a moment.
Speaker 2: So in order to talk to your kids about dating
Speaker 2: one day, you have to start that foundation early.
Speaker 3: You have to grow.
Speaker 2: A relationship that's built on conversations and sharing about things conversation.
Speaker 1: You can't be the first conversation.
Speaker 2: So you've done that, and then what happens they start dating?
Speaker 2: And how do you even broach when you know that
Speaker 2: they're going to get to that place? Do you think
Speaker 2: you have conversations with them about dating before they ever
Speaker 2: start dating.
Speaker 1: Well, here's the other thing. For the most part, you
Speaker 1: do know better because we've experienced life. You can see
Speaker 1: the hurdles that they're probably going to trip over in
Speaker 1: life because you've fallen all on your face yourself. Now
Speaker 1: as a parent, you have this kind of scale, the
Speaker 1: scales of justice of how much do I share, how
Speaker 1: much I don't want them to fail. I don't want
Speaker 1: them to fall in their face. But to a certain degree,
Speaker 1: they also have to They have to experience their own lives.
Speaker 1: Can't tell them everything, and so when you enter into
Speaker 1: these conversations, you got to leave a little bit of mystery,
Speaker 1: a little bit of judgment on the sidelines and let
Speaker 1: them also experience life. Because yes, we do know some
Speaker 1: of the answers, but also that was my experience, and
Speaker 1: it was my generation, and that's how we dated and
Speaker 1: that's what we went through. That's not necessarily what your
Speaker 1: kids are going to go through. So it's good to share.
Speaker 1: But it's also I tried to lead with questions, not answers. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's a big difference. Lead with questions not answers.
Speaker 1: Questions are a lot less judgmental, and even if you
Speaker 1: do have some knowledge to impart on them, if you
Speaker 1: let them find that in their own answers to questions,
Speaker 1: they learn a lot better. It's kind of the annoying thing,
Speaker 1: sorry to break up, Remember the annoying thing your mom
Speaker 1: and your dad did when you were writing a book report,
Speaker 1: you were like, Mom, where's Italy, it's like, go look
Speaker 1: it up. You're like, Jesus, you know the answer. Just
Speaker 1: tell me you know what's four times eight? Again? And
Speaker 1: they're like, well do your multipplications? Like God, I just
Speaker 1: need the answer. Can you just tell me? I know
Speaker 1: you know it? So that dating, that's that that kind
Speaker 1: of goes into this of like I know you know
Speaker 1: the answer, but you don't have to give the answer,
Speaker 1: let them find it.
Speaker 2: I think that's something I've gone back and forth on
Speaker 2: so much and I still do in a parental role.
Speaker 2: Is I think there's such power in letting them come
Speaker 2: to the conclusion themselves, like well, you know, say they're
Speaker 2: going to break up with someone, Well, how do you
Speaker 2: think you'll feel if you break up with them? Well,
Speaker 2: what's making you think you want to do that? And
Speaker 2: kind of letting them get there versus just straight up
Speaker 2: giving them advice.
Speaker 3: But then you.
Speaker 2: Also, I think there's a desire to share your experiences,
Speaker 2: not even necessarily solely for like them to learn from
Speaker 2: that's a part of it, but also so they don't
Speaker 2: feel alone. Like I found myself doing that a lot,
Speaker 2: and sometimes I worry I do it too much. But
Speaker 2: like trying to say that happened to me too at
Speaker 2: your age, like to make them feel like it's not
Speaker 2: that the world is ending, you know, So how do
Speaker 2: you strike that balance? It's because at that age everything
Speaker 2: feels like the world is ending.
Speaker 1: It is so big, and you got to remember how
Speaker 1: big things felt to you and how you felt like
Speaker 1: like you said, oh my god, my life's over, I
Speaker 1: can't even go to school. We have to move.
Speaker 3: Right, he broke up with me. I'll never I'm so depressed.
Speaker 1: I went to go talk to her in the lunchline
Speaker 1: and I spilled my you know, fruit punch down my
Speaker 1: hand and everyone laughed at me or whatever. And you realize,
Speaker 1: think about your own life, right, did you ever go
Speaker 1: home and think about what that person did at school
Speaker 1: that day? You know, the other the other person?
Speaker 3: That's so, how do you balance it?
Speaker 2: How do you balance sharing asking questions and sharing stories
Speaker 2: and that kind of I.
Speaker 1: Think you you have to impart a little wisdom with
Speaker 1: your own life stories, but trying not to get so
Speaker 1: stuck into telling every story you've ever had.
Speaker 2: I think what you just said is smart, Like ask
Speaker 2: questions first, and then maybe share a story.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then share a story about like how you've
Speaker 1: failed one day or whatever, and it's just how life
Speaker 1: will go on and this too shall pass. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I always try to end on that positive note of
Speaker 2: like I promise in the grand scheme, like this is
Speaker 2: going to be fine, because those first dating situations again
Speaker 2: feel huge and everything feels like love, and their emotions
Speaker 2: are so high and their hormones are raging, and so
Speaker 2: how do you first get into the And.
Speaker 1: It's being excited for them, and it's and it's preparing
Speaker 1: for them. You know, our kids are in their twenties,
Speaker 1: so clearly they've had their first dates and boyfriends and girlfriends,
Speaker 1: et cetera. And so we've been through this stage with them.
Speaker 1: And now when they go on dates or whatever, it's
Speaker 1: not the end all be all because they are prepared
Speaker 1: for it. And I think again building that foundation of
Speaker 1: when they go on that first date, letting them know
Speaker 1: you're not going to marry this person probably, you know,
Speaker 1: it's like preparing them for just go have fun. Whatever
Speaker 1: this turns out to be. Let it be, and they
Speaker 1: may just turn out to be a really good friend.
Speaker 1: You get some laughs, whatever, you may come home with
Speaker 1: a good story. Even if you do something silly, just
Speaker 1: understand that this. It's kind of like what I would
Speaker 1: tell an adult. The first date can't mean everything. Your
Speaker 1: first date experience can't mean everything. Be excited about it.
Speaker 1: Be excited for them, right, be a part of them
Speaker 1: getting ready or you know, put some music on, have
Speaker 1: fun or whatever. And then when they come home if
Speaker 1: they're upset that it didn't go, well, whatever, just keep
Speaker 1: that excitement up of it was like, that was so fun, though,
Speaker 1: How great is that? Ye think about you? How d yeah?
Speaker 1: Think about how good the next one's going to be.
Speaker 1: And by the way, think about how prepared you're going
Speaker 1: to be now, because now you know that you know
Speaker 1: the door swings both.
Speaker 2: Well, well you just said the excitement thing is simple but
Speaker 2: so important because again I go back to like, like
Speaker 2: my own parents were definitely not excited when I started dating.
Speaker 2: They like viewed it as a problem, and now we
Speaker 2: have to deal with this, and this is like.
Speaker 3: And I get it. You know you're worried as an.
Speaker 1: Apparent since that, what do you mean as a young girl?
Speaker 2: You said, well, yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. I'm like,
Speaker 2: it was not a good feeling. I immediately felt like
Speaker 2: I was doing things wrong, but like, what I was
Speaker 2: doing was totally normal. I was going on dates as
Speaker 2: a teenager in high school, and it kind of felt
Speaker 2: like I was always fighting this uphill battle. And I
Speaker 2: understand that where they were coming from was just worry.
Speaker 2: They didn't want anything to happen to me. They didn't
Speaker 2: want me to make any life altering mistakes, you know.
Speaker 2: But you, I think were really good about that with
Speaker 2: Like I remember when Taylor got asked to her first dance,
Speaker 2: a dance for the first time, and she like came
Speaker 2: in and told us, and you know, you were so.
Speaker 3: Excited for her, and it was like, oh, this is
Speaker 3: so great, this is I.
Speaker 2: Mean, we both were, But you, as the dad, I
Speaker 2: think that you created a really safe space, and probably
Speaker 2: everything we're going to talk about is leading to that.
Speaker 2: The biggest thing to me is creating a safe space
Speaker 2: for your kids to talk to you about dating, not judging,
Speaker 2: not saying they did something wrong, because guess what, they
Speaker 2: are going to make mistakes. They are going to even
Speaker 2: do things we might think are wrong, and you, as
Speaker 2: a parent, are going to want them to tell you
Speaker 2: about those things so that you can help them and
Speaker 2: guide them. And if you've created this environment where they
Speaker 2: don't share with you. They're not going to come to
Speaker 2: you at the most critical times.
Speaker 1: And everybody makes those mistakes. As you said, I'm going
Speaker 1: to date the bad boy, I'm going to change him.
Speaker 3: Of course, that is normal a problem.
Speaker 1: I'm going to solve the problem, right, I'm going to
Speaker 1: I'm a fixer. I'm going to fix this person and everybody.
Speaker 1: Those things haven't changed. It's just that they're wrapped up
Speaker 1: in different packages now because kids are a little different.
Speaker 1: But I'm telling you those same blocks remain, and you can't.
Speaker 1: You know what happens if you tell somebody you're forbidden
Speaker 1: or you can't or you shouldn't. You immediately get defensive
Speaker 1: because now I'm judging you, and your judgment is on
Speaker 1: the line, and so you're going to defend that and
Speaker 1: you're going to go further in that direction. So instead,
Speaker 1: if you see your your kid date a knucklehead or
Speaker 1: start going out with a knucklehead, I'm not talking about
Speaker 1: Tim Walls, I'm talking about other knuckleheads.
Speaker 3: So random, that's all I think of.
Speaker 1: Now I'm a knucklehead. But you got to let them
Speaker 1: also make some of those mistakes. But you can have
Speaker 1: those conversations of what are you getting back from this person?
Speaker 1: What do you think about it? You know, again, those questions,
Speaker 1: they'll get to that answer all that.
Speaker 2: That's so true if you're if they're dating someone you
Speaker 2: don't like, ask them questions back and you watch what
Speaker 2: conclusion they draw.
Speaker 1: What is what is she giving you? You know? Is
Speaker 1: she there for you? Is she you know the way
Speaker 1: you're there for her, et cetera. I'll never forget. I
Speaker 1: was sitting so I used to get the screener obviously
Speaker 1: for the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows, because I would write
Speaker 1: these things called a blog back in the day. So
Speaker 1: I was watching the show, and I'll never forget. I
Speaker 1: was watching Caitlin Bristow's season, and it was the episode
Speaker 1: with Nick Vaiau when they hooked up before this, before
Speaker 1: the Fantasy Suite and all that when Nick came on
Speaker 1: the show. So they end up in a hotel room together.
Speaker 1: And so Taylor would watch the show with me, and
Speaker 1: I was like, and I'm a single dad. She would
Speaker 1: crawl in bed with me and I'd watch it on
Speaker 1: my computer and we're sitting there, and again that was
Speaker 1: probably a little bit too much of an adult situation.
Speaker 1: And she knew Caitlyn because Taylor had met Caitlyn and
Speaker 1: loved her and thought she was great and fun, and
Speaker 1: Caitlyn was so sweet to Taylor, and so this was
Speaker 1: someone that was kind of personal to Taylor. And she
Speaker 1: kind of looked at me and I stopped to make
Speaker 1: some notes for my blog and Taylor. I could see
Speaker 1: Taylor very inquisitive. I said, what do you think about
Speaker 1: what just happened there? And it opened this whole. Instead
Speaker 1: of saying, Hey, I hope you'll never do that or
Speaker 1: I hope whatever, you know, It's like, I just said, well,
Speaker 1: what do you think about? You know how Caitlyn handled that?
Speaker 1: And we had this whole conversation about her body and
Speaker 1: her choice and empowering herself, and you know, it led
Speaker 1: us into this conversation about having sex and having a
Speaker 1: moment and being intimate whatever without me putting her on
Speaker 1: the spot. It looked for those windows of opportunities. I
Speaker 1: guess what I'm saying, because I know not everyone's going
Speaker 1: to lay in bed and watch The Bachelor bacherette with
Speaker 1: your daughter, But it allowed me to have those moments
Speaker 1: of when you're watching a movie or when you see
Speaker 1: a moment on TV or maybe whatever in life you
Speaker 1: stop and be like, hey, like not for nothing, but
Speaker 1: later in the car. You don't have to do it
Speaker 1: right then, but later, what did you think about that? Like,
Speaker 1: I'm just curious, like did that make you uncomfortable? Did
Speaker 1: you feel like and just look for those cracks, look
Speaker 1: for those doors to open so you can walk through them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think like sharing your mistakes too. I mean,
Speaker 2: I know we were sort of talking about balancing how
Speaker 2: much do you share your own stories, but like, yeah,
Speaker 2: being like I made mistakes at your age, you know,
Speaker 2: and sharing your vulnerabilities, that was something I kind of
Speaker 2: wish my parents had done more too. Again, I understand
Speaker 2: where they were coming from. They didn't want me to
Speaker 2: mess up. But I think we've always taken the approach
Speaker 2: with the kids of like, dating is practice and you're
Speaker 2: gonna make mistakes, and yeah, you're gonna, you know, date
Speaker 2: the wrong person and you.
Speaker 3: Actually have to.
Speaker 2: It's actually critical you have to date the wrong people
Speaker 2: to find the right one. Like you to do this,
Speaker 2: I've always said to them, it is a guarantee that
Speaker 2: you're going to go through breakups. It's normal. It's actually
Speaker 2: good it's how you learn about relationships. So you know,
Speaker 2: in the moment, they're still going to feel sad and
Speaker 2: you have to support them through it, but just try
Speaker 2: to maintain that perspective for them of like, this is
Speaker 2: normal and these feelings are normal, and we're going to
Speaker 2: get through this. And it's actually, in the long run
Speaker 2: going to be a good thing that you learned what
Speaker 2: you don't want in a relationship here, because it's going
Speaker 2: to prepare you for one the right one question.
Speaker 1: This is important to realize total to see those red
Speaker 1: flags and to know and then the next time you'll
Speaker 1: know exactly what those red flags are and you'll notice
Speaker 1: if they are aren't there. But I think you hit
Speaker 1: a good, very good point about parents. You can't leave
Speaker 1: the impression that you are perfect because your kids kind
Speaker 1: of look at you as this perfect person. You have
Speaker 1: all the answers. You're the dad, you're the mom. You feed,
Speaker 1: you clothe, you drive, you take care of this person.
Speaker 1: So you know, you grow up and you kind of
Speaker 1: have this. You put your parents on a pedestal. For
Speaker 1: the most part. I know there's you know, some that don't,
Speaker 1: But for the most part, I'm painting with a broad
Speaker 1: brush here. You can't allow your child to think that
Speaker 1: you were perfect, that you never made mistakes, that you
Speaker 1: didn't fall on your face and do something dumb and
Speaker 1: date the wrong person or say the wrong thing, or
Speaker 1: maybe we're inappropriate one time and you feel really bad
Speaker 1: about it. Like sharing those stories to give the kids
Speaker 1: room to fail is so important. Like going through a date,
Speaker 1: going through dating life, trying to be perfect is impossible,
Speaker 1: and so I do like that. You know, especially with
Speaker 1: our daughter Taylor, we laugh a lot about the silliest
Speaker 1: things on dates. When she'll go on to date and
Speaker 1: she'll tell us it's like I did this that was
Speaker 1: really dumb, and will laugh, or he did this and
Speaker 1: it was like, oh my god. And like having a
Speaker 1: laugh with him and keeping it positive is great. So
Speaker 1: they realize you are just as fallible as they are.
Speaker 3: Okay, let's talk about sex.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about sex.
Speaker 3: How did you talk to the kids about sex?
Speaker 1: This is very important. Again, if you're not involved in
Speaker 1: their life, if you've never laid that foundation, and you
Speaker 1: sit them down when they're ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
Speaker 1: whenever you think they're ready, and that's your first real
Speaker 1: conversation about love, life, sex. It's going to be awkward
Speaker 1: and it's going to miss the mark. But if you
Speaker 1: have laid that ground work ahead of time and talked
Speaker 1: about dating, talked about love and relationships, it makes that
Speaker 1: conversation a lot less awkward. It will be awkward, just
Speaker 1: know that going in it's going to be awkward. It's
Speaker 1: your job to just make it normal, be able to
Speaker 1: create that space, that safe space where that you can
Speaker 1: have it back and forth. There probably won't be a
Speaker 1: lot of back and forth that day, but allowing them
Speaker 1: to circle back later when they've thought about it or
Speaker 1: talked about it. Then the other thing is there is
Speaker 1: no right time. There is no age. It's not eleven,
Speaker 1: it's not twelve, it's not thirteen, it's it's depending on
Speaker 1: your child. Like Josh and Taylor were different. They hit
Speaker 1: those marks at a different time in their lives, and
Speaker 1: it was my job to know when it was time
Speaker 1: to have those conversations. You know, early on it was
Speaker 1: very simple because you know, I'll just use Taylor for example.
Speaker 1: Sorry Tay, but it's like, you know she was ready
Speaker 1: to date or interested in boys. I knew that, but
Speaker 1: she wasn't interested in that next step I knew that
Speaker 1: wasn't on the table yet you could just tell to
Speaker 1: a certain degree. So it's like, okay, let's talk about
Speaker 1: what you need to expect out of a boy. You know,
Speaker 1: those those things you talk about about being a gentleman.
Speaker 1: Is he nice to you on the playground, et cetera.
Speaker 1: You know, did he give you his extra dessert one time?
Speaker 1: You know what? You know, those little things of like you,
Speaker 1: you should set the groundwork for what to expect from
Speaker 1: a significant other. Then as you see things as they
Speaker 1: get older and you're like, okay, I feel like it's time.
Speaker 1: Then you sit down and have the bigger talk and
Speaker 1: we split it up. That's what we did in our
Speaker 1: house because we had a we were separated. But obviously
Speaker 1: they're still involved with their mom and she's a great mom,
Speaker 1: but she kind of took Taylor and did that talk.
Speaker 1: I took Joshua and had that talk.
Speaker 2: I will say, like, maybe to give the parents out
Speaker 2: there some ease, I wish my parents had been more
Speaker 2: open with me about sex too. Like I think, if
Speaker 2: you're nervous about this conversation with your kids, I'm just
Speaker 2: telling you my perspective and maybe ask yourself this do
Speaker 2: you wish your how do you wish your own parents
Speaker 2: had handled it? Like, because it's always our opportunity right
Speaker 2: to like improve on what our parents did. But I
Speaker 2: wish Yeah, I think, like I don't remember my parents
Speaker 2: talking to me about sex. I think they kind of
Speaker 2: left it to thinking school was handling it because school
Speaker 2: does have that like sex set in the fifth grade
Speaker 2: or whatever. I remember being left like confused. And I
Speaker 2: also think that when parents don't talk to kids about it,
Speaker 2: that's when other kids at school fill the information holes,
Speaker 2: and well that's not a good thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Also I know has changed, you know, for us,
Speaker 1: it was probably a little older in our generation, but
Speaker 1: now they are exposed.
Speaker 3: Well, they have so much access to the internet.
Speaker 1: I have porn at their fingertips. They have, you know,
Speaker 1: access to so much information. And that's a good thing
Speaker 1: because they can also look things up on their own
Speaker 1: of like is this normal, is this weird or whatever.
Speaker 1: But also you want them to be getting the right
Speaker 1: information and the right viewpoint of you know, porn cannot
Speaker 1: be their conduit to love and relationships and how you
Speaker 1: treat people. And that's how intimacy is and so you
Speaker 1: have to that is a conversation you have to have
Speaker 1: now of like what that means and when you're seeing it,
Speaker 1: because you're you're going.
Speaker 2: To well, if you don't have it, then someone else will,
Speaker 2: you know. And I definitely wish my parents had, Like
Speaker 2: it was, sex was always a very awkward topic with
Speaker 2: them too, Like I just wish it had been more normalized.
Speaker 2: I didn't feel like it was awkward because they made
Speaker 2: it awkward, you know. And again, I really do think
Speaker 2: the more awkward or closed off or uncomfortable you are
Speaker 2: just makes your kids hide stuff from you, and you know, ultimately,
Speaker 2: I think also as a parent, you have to forgive yourself.
Speaker 2: Like I've kind of looked at how I've tried to
Speaker 2: be like maybe looking at the you know, how my
Speaker 2: parents were with me. I've tried to be better for
Speaker 2: Josh and Taylor, and you know, what I've kind of
Speaker 2: learned is that they're still going to make mistakes. And
Speaker 2: again that's normal and there is no perfect way to parent,
Speaker 2: and so like forgive yourself on that. But that makes
Speaker 2: it all the more important to be comfortable with open
Speaker 2: dialogue with each other. I think that's truly like the
Speaker 2: most important thing you can do as a parent, is
Speaker 2: be a safe space for your kids to come to
Speaker 2: because all the bad stuff is a guarantee, and not
Speaker 2: even bad all the all the things going wrong or
Speaker 2: learning experiences are a guarantee.
Speaker 1: And you know, as we impart this wisdom to our kids,
Speaker 1: life has its ups and downs, and those are so important.
Speaker 1: You need to fail. You got to fail in life,
Speaker 1: and you have to learn to embrace that being dumped,
Speaker 1: being fired, not getting the part, not getting the job,
Speaker 1: not getting on the team. I think the helicopter parent generation,
Speaker 1: hopefully this is changing a little bit, was running around
Speaker 1: being so overly involved in things to make sure their
Speaker 1: kids never failed. And that is not life. And so
Speaker 1: these kids, you know, there was a generation of kids
Speaker 1: that got to these schools and got to colleges and
Speaker 1: got to all that, and they were not prepared for life.
Speaker 1: And so if Heaven forbid, something doesn't go their way,
Speaker 1: they fold up like a lawn chair and they're done.
Speaker 1: And it's like, that's when you got to be your
Speaker 1: strongest and your best and you realize that greatest opportunities,
Speaker 1: the best opportunities, come after failure, after a breakdown, after
Speaker 1: a loss. It's you know, and instilling that in your kids,
Speaker 1: especially when it comes to love and relationships. You realize
Speaker 1: now it's just fun and dating is fun and everything
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be perfect and possible every time.
Speaker 2: Do you feel like you, as a parent were really
Speaker 2: instilling This might seem like a simple question, but instilling
Speaker 2: like your own morals and what you thought was like
Speaker 2: the right or wrong thing to do in terms of
Speaker 2: dating and sex.
Speaker 3: Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: Yes, you know, I think I think that's impossible not
Speaker 1: to you do, whether it's your religious beliefs, your doctrine,
Speaker 1: or however your family kind of what they believe in.
Speaker 1: I definitely you definitely do, because I think a.
Speaker 2: Lot of conflict comes from that, like if kids feel
Speaker 2: like like I'm thinking of just traditionally if you say
Speaker 2: no sex before marriage and then it's like that that
Speaker 2: can create a lot of conflict.
Speaker 1: But no, I think for us it was more of
Speaker 1: remember your faith, remember your family. And my thing and
Speaker 1: everything I tell my kids to do is remember you
Speaker 1: are responsible to more than just yourself. What you do
Speaker 1: shines the light on your friends, your family, your brother,
Speaker 1: your mom, your dad, you know, everybody, and so you
Speaker 1: know you are responsible to more than just you and
Speaker 1: your name carries a lot of weight other than just
Speaker 1: your first name, and so everything you do just think
Speaker 1: about being you know, what would what would you want?
Speaker 1: What would you tell your grandmother? And that's how I felt,
Speaker 1: Well what would you go to? You know? And again
Speaker 1: I wouldn't show them everything. I wouldn't want to show
Speaker 1: them to take. But you know what I mean, it's
Speaker 1: a well.
Speaker 2: Then how do you balance that with not making them
Speaker 2: afraid to come to you with mistakes.
Speaker 1: Though, but at the same time knowing that we are
Speaker 1: all going to mess up. We're all going to make
Speaker 1: mistakes that is okay, and allowing that space of like
Speaker 1: there's a difference between hey, remember your faith or like
Speaker 1: God's always watching you know, any sin is a sin
Speaker 1: and you're doomed for life. It's no, no, no, it's not that.
Speaker 1: It's just, you know, try to make the best decision
Speaker 1: and know that you're not going to always make the
Speaker 1: perfect decision. You've got to make a game time decision
Speaker 1: and then deal with the consequences and owning up to
Speaker 1: that and being honest about it.
Speaker 3: I think when Taylor at her first breakup, I said, well,
Speaker 3: you've had your first breakup.
Speaker 1: That's exciting you did you did you you crush that? Well?
Speaker 2: I don't, you know, I didn't want to not. I
Speaker 2: don't know if I crushed it. I want to, you know, acknowledge.
Speaker 2: I do think it's important as a parent too, to
Speaker 2: remember how big those feelings feel at that time. Like
Speaker 2: sometimes my mom would be like, oh my god, honey,
Speaker 2: stop being so dramatic about it, and.
Speaker 3: Like, well, I was a teenage girl. You know, they're
Speaker 3: inherently pretty dramatic.
Speaker 2: And I'm not saying we have to sit and like
Speaker 2: acknowledge every feeling, because I think sometimes we talk about
Speaker 2: feelings too much, and if you feed it, it grows
Speaker 2: and that makes those bad feelings worse. And we do
Speaker 2: have to encourage our kids to move forward, but you know,
Speaker 2: acknowledge the feelings and then kind of try to put
Speaker 2: them in perspective and be like, it's all going to
Speaker 2: be okay for me.
Speaker 1: It's easy. I'm like my kids and this, I think
Speaker 1: to your point, there was a generation that grew up
Speaker 1: with your parents met in high school, they got married,
Speaker 1: they were very possibly each other's first intimately, and they've
Speaker 1: been married for thirty forty fifty years. Whether they're happy
Speaker 1: or not. That was kind of the game plan, right,
Speaker 1: So I think, wow, that puts a lot of pressure
Speaker 1: on it. The next generation, well, this generation, my kids
Speaker 1: grew up in divorce. Like they know, Dad failed, Dad's
Speaker 1: first relationship wasn't perfect clearly he and mom mart together anymore,
Speaker 1: and he's but he's And then they saw me date
Speaker 1: and they saw me fine love again and get married again.
Speaker 1: So I'm glad that my kids to a certain degree,
Speaker 1: you know, you don't want your kids to go through,
Speaker 1: you know, troubles like that in a family. But I'm
Speaker 1: glad that my kids got to see my struggles and
Speaker 1: got to see my triumphs and how I recovered. It's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: life's not simple, but it's still spectacular. It's still fabulous,
Speaker 1: even those even those sad times of going through a
Speaker 1: divorce but then finding trying to date again, and like
Speaker 1: talking to the kids about it and when to when
Speaker 1: should we have these conversations and figuring that out with them.
Speaker 1: I think it's important to not make them too much
Speaker 1: of a friend. Remember, they're your kids. They don't need
Speaker 1: to know everything all the time. They're not your best friend,
Speaker 1: they're not your therapist. Their kids, and you have to
Speaker 1: still keep them separated a little bit on this stuff,
Speaker 1: but being open and honest at them is helpful. And
Speaker 1: you know clearly they saw their dad wasn't perfect. Well
Speaker 1: I am, now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're pretty great. Well I applaud you.
Speaker 2: I commend you on it, babe, because I do think
Speaker 2: you know, especially sometimes that like you know, girls talking
Speaker 2: to their dads or sons talking to their moms sometimes
Speaker 2: those gender barriers going to be tough when it comes
Speaker 2: to discussing dating and sex. And I think you've created
Speaker 2: a really pretty open environment and I think that's the
Speaker 2: biggest and most important thing.
Speaker 1: So and likewise, I want to praise you too, because
Speaker 1: like you came in and you are such a great
Speaker 1: advocate for the kids, and it conduit to them of
Speaker 1: like I you know, sometimes it's like, oh we can
Speaker 1: go to Lauren, and I like that they have. You
Speaker 1: have filled that role and done such a beautiful job
Speaker 1: and you impart such amazing wisdom in that way.
Speaker 3: Wow, thanks babe.
Speaker 2: Well, you know, I get uncomfortable with praise, So I
Speaker 2: love you and to anybody out there who has kids
Speaker 2: and is trying to get into these conversas.
Speaker 3: We know it's tough we are with you.
Speaker 2: We support you and know that if you care enough
Speaker 2: to think about how you're doing it well, then you're
Speaker 2: already doing a pretty good job.
Speaker 3: So all our love and we will talk to you
Speaker 3: guys next time because.
Speaker 1: We have a lot more to talk about. Thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Follow us on Instagram at the most Dramatic pod Ever
Speaker 1: and make sure to write us a review and leave
Speaker 1: us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.