WEBVTT - Encore: How to Emotionally Free Yourself 0:01:09.359 --> 0:01:12.439 Hey to your Therapist listeners. It's Lori and Guy and 0:01:12.479 --> 0:01:13.599 we have a quick update. 0:01:13.839 --> 0:01:16.039 Many of you have told us that you get something 0:01:16.079 --> 0:01:18.439 new out of each episode when you listen to it 0:01:18.479 --> 0:01:21.719 again the second or third time. In fact, when we 0:01:21.839 --> 0:01:24.799 listen to the episodes again, we also get takeaways we 0:01:24.799 --> 0:01:25.439 didn't remember. 0:01:25.439 --> 0:01:28.079 We're They're therapy is like that too. There are so 0:01:28.199 --> 0:01:30.839 many learning moments in a session, and it's difficult to 0:01:30.919 --> 0:01:33.439 absorb them all at once. So while we're not taping 0:01:33.559 --> 0:01:37.039 new episodes right now, we are offering you our most 0:01:37.079 --> 0:01:40.399 popular sessions as encores so that you can continue to 0:01:40.439 --> 0:01:41.519 gain value from them. 0:01:41.759 --> 0:01:45.319 We love doing the Therapists episodes, but we're each busy 0:01:45.359 --> 0:01:48.199 with new and exciting projects that we hope you will 0:01:48.199 --> 0:01:49.239 love just as much. 0:01:49.479 --> 0:01:52.679 I have a new advice podcast called Since You Asked, 0:01:52.799 --> 0:01:55.159 which you can get wherever you listen to podcasts. 0:01:55.359 --> 0:01:58.159 And I have a new book coming out. It's called 0:01:58.559 --> 0:02:03.559 Mind Overgrind, How to Break Free when work Hijacks your life, 0:02:03.759 --> 0:02:06.519 and it will be published by Simon and Schuster. You 0:02:06.559 --> 0:02:08.759 can find out more about it on my website. 0:02:10.319 --> 0:02:13.519 You can learn more about these on our socials. And meanwhile, 0:02:13.719 --> 0:02:16.639 we hope you find these Dear Therapist sessions as valuable 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:23.199 as we have making them for you. Hey, fellow travelers, 0:02:23.679 --> 0:02:26.519 I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should 0:02:26.519 --> 0:02:29.319 Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice 0:02:29.319 --> 0:02:30.439 column for The Atlantic. 0:02:30.879 --> 0:02:34.159 And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid, 0:02:34.519 --> 0:02:36.999 and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted. 0:02:37.399 --> 0:02:39.359 And this is Dear Therapists. 0:02:40.079 --> 0:02:42.799 Each week we invite you into a session so you 0:02:42.839 --> 0:02:45.239 can learn more about yourself by hearing how we help 0:02:45.319 --> 0:02:48.239 other people come to understand themselves better and make changes 0:02:48.279 --> 0:02:48.959 in their lives. 0:02:49.399 --> 0:02:52.079 So sit back and welcome to today's session. 0:02:52.719 --> 0:02:55.839 This week we'll get updates from last season sessions to 0:02:55.879 --> 0:02:57.639 find out how our advice worked out. 0:02:57.839 --> 0:03:00.519 A year later, Guy had said that he didn't think 0:03:00.559 --> 0:03:02.879 I understood how bad it had been, and then Laurie 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:07.119 actually later on said that oftentimes people are hesitant to 0:03:07.199 --> 0:03:11.599 confront those painful well experiences because of what it might 0:03:11.679 --> 0:03:14.119 say about them. And I'll be honest, that was a 0:03:14.199 --> 0:03:18.959 really hard one. But getting unstuck is also what's opened 0:03:18.959 --> 0:03:23.679 myself up a lot more to finally feeling happy and hopeful. 0:03:24.039 --> 0:03:27.519 First, a quick note deo therapist is for informational purposes only, 0:03:27.679 --> 0:03:30.919 does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and it's not 0:03:30.959 --> 0:03:34.999 a substitute for professional healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always 0:03:35.039 --> 0:03:37.999 seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or 0:03:38.039 --> 0:03:40.719 other qualified health provider with any questions you may have 0:03:40.999 --> 0:03:44.799 regarding a medical or psychological condition. By submitting a letter, 0:03:44.839 --> 0:03:47.399 you are agreeing to let iHeartMedia use it in part 0:03:47.479 --> 0:03:49.239 or in full, and we may edit it for length 0:03:49.279 --> 0:03:51.799 and clarity. And the sessions you'll hear all names have 0:03:51.799 --> 0:03:53.799 been changed for the privacy of our fellow travelers. 0:03:55.439 --> 0:03:55.519 Hi. 0:03:55.639 --> 0:03:56.879 Guy, Hey Laurie. 0:03:57.199 --> 0:03:57.559 So Guy. 0:03:57.599 --> 0:04:01.159 I'm really excited because today we're doing another special episode 0:04:01.279 --> 0:04:04.519 where we are hearing updates from our season one sessions 0:04:04.999 --> 0:04:08.839 and the theme of today is freeing yourself. 0:04:09.799 --> 0:04:12.679 Is an important theme and the first person we're going 0:04:12.759 --> 0:04:17.039 to hear from is Elena. Elena, to remind our listeners, 0:04:17.079 --> 0:04:18.839 came to us to get help because she had a 0:04:19.239 --> 0:04:22.719 chronically cheating husband who she had been with for seventy years. 0:04:22.719 --> 0:04:25.559 And by chronically cheating, I literally mean could enter the 0:04:25.639 --> 0:04:29.119 cheating Olympics with how much cheating was going on. 0:04:29.919 --> 0:04:31.959 Yes, I remember that they would go to a therapy 0:04:31.999 --> 0:04:33.879 session and he would say, Okay, I'm not going to cheat, 0:04:33.879 --> 0:04:36.719 and then within twenty four hours he would be cheating again. 0:04:37.599 --> 0:04:40.359 Right, So let's get a reminder of what was going 0:04:40.399 --> 0:04:42.039 on for Elena in last year's session. 0:04:43.199 --> 0:04:47.519 So it has come out that the relations have been 0:04:47.559 --> 0:04:51.759 with men. However, my husband is very closed off. He 0:04:51.919 --> 0:04:55.159 kind of just wanted to go away. He doesn't want 0:04:55.159 --> 0:04:58.559 to discuss it in detail. He acknowledges that it happened, 0:04:59.319 --> 0:05:01.599 yet he doesn't want to talk about it. He just 0:05:01.679 --> 0:05:03.879 kind of wants to forget about it. Then there's that 0:05:04.039 --> 0:05:07.399 wall built, that avoidancy of him not talking about it, 0:05:07.759 --> 0:05:12.719 shutting down for a few to discuss it, and eventually 0:05:12.919 --> 0:05:17.119 he'll leave the home or the other side where he's 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:20.599 angry and super defensive. The other side of it is 0:05:20.639 --> 0:05:24.519 when we're in therapy, it's like a twitch, like he'll 0:05:24.559 --> 0:05:28.679 talk about it and he'll say he feels attacked, or 0:05:29.199 --> 0:05:34.399 he feels like he's disgusting, or he feels that I 0:05:34.559 --> 0:05:40.479 find him disgusting. Kind of working through how he feels. 0:05:42.959 --> 0:05:45.119 Yeah, it was not a good situation. So I am 0:05:45.479 --> 0:05:49.159 very curious to hear where Elena is today. 0:05:49.839 --> 0:05:50.839 Yeah, let's take a listen. 0:05:52.119 --> 0:05:54.639 My name is Elena, and I called and spoke with 0:05:54.759 --> 0:05:59.839 Lauri and Guy in regards to my husband who was 0:05:59.999 --> 0:06:05.479 having affairs, and I was also stationed overseas, so I 0:06:05.559 --> 0:06:10.079 was isolated away from any family and friends and really 0:06:10.159 --> 0:06:15.159 any support system to confide in and deal with you 0:06:15.519 --> 0:06:21.319 all that which was going on. So since I've spoken 0:06:21.999 --> 0:06:25.519 with them, it's been a little over a year. My 0:06:25.639 --> 0:06:29.399 husband and I are no longer together. We've separated officially 0:06:29.559 --> 0:06:31.759 just a few months after I spoke with Glory Guy, 0:06:32.759 --> 0:06:36.559 and then the divorce was finalized in October of twenty twenty, 0:06:36.599 --> 0:06:38.239 So is pretty quick. 0:06:39.359 --> 0:06:41.959 Wow, that is very quick. That's less than a year. 0:06:42.799 --> 0:06:44.519 Yeah, And on the one hand, I'm a little bit 0:06:44.559 --> 0:06:46.839 surprised that it was that quick because she was so 0:06:47.599 --> 0:06:50.319 reluctant to make a move. 0:06:50.519 --> 0:06:51.479 When we talked. 0:06:51.959 --> 0:06:55.119 And I think it's interesting because you and I felt 0:06:55.159 --> 0:06:59.399 like he's not changing. She's been through so much with him, 0:06:59.479 --> 0:07:02.839 and he is not interested in changing. So sometimes people say, 0:07:03.359 --> 0:07:06.399 why won't this person change even though they say they 0:07:06.439 --> 0:07:08.399 want to change. I think he knew he didn't want 0:07:08.399 --> 0:07:10.279 to change, but he wasn't willing to say that to 0:07:10.319 --> 0:07:12.919 her because of the consequence which is that she would 0:07:12.959 --> 0:07:18.079 probably leave. And sometimes therapists, you know, we don't tell 0:07:18.119 --> 0:07:20.439 people whether to stay in marriages or leave, but when 0:07:20.439 --> 0:07:24.039 they're so problematic and there is so much suffering, we 0:07:24.199 --> 0:07:28.239 hope that someone will come to that conclusion to save themselves. 0:07:28.679 --> 0:07:30.999 And when Elena came to us, she seemed clear that 0:07:31.079 --> 0:07:33.599 she was done, but she also wasn't ready to move 0:07:33.679 --> 0:07:37.199 forward because I think she had so much grieving to 0:07:37.239 --> 0:07:37.879 be done. 0:07:38.559 --> 0:07:42.159 Yeah, we often don't say to someone, hey, you should 0:07:42.159 --> 0:07:45.319 really leave this marriage, but we will leave a trail 0:07:45.359 --> 0:07:48.879 of bread crumbs leading them to that conclusion if it's warranted. 0:07:48.919 --> 0:07:51.159 In this case, it wasn't even bread crumbs. Loaves of 0:07:51.199 --> 0:07:54.639 bread led a trail to like, hey, Elena, get out. 0:07:54.879 --> 0:07:57.399 And I want to be clear that we aren't there 0:07:57.599 --> 0:08:00.679 to decide for people what they should do. So when 0:08:00.719 --> 0:08:03.599 we say we leave the bread crumbs, it's not as 0:08:03.679 --> 0:08:06.319 though we think we know best for them, because there 0:08:06.359 --> 0:08:10.079 are people who they would rather be in a situation 0:08:10.159 --> 0:08:12.319 that maybe you or I guy would say, oh that's 0:08:12.359 --> 0:08:14.759 not for me, but it is for them, and even 0:08:14.799 --> 0:08:18.039 though it's not ideal, it's problematic, they would rather be 0:08:18.079 --> 0:08:21.599 in that for whatever reason. So we want them to 0:08:21.719 --> 0:08:24.279 ask the important questions of themselves so they can come 0:08:24.319 --> 0:08:26.439 to their own conclusion about what they want to do. 0:08:26.719 --> 0:08:28.559 And that's what I think the breadcrumbs are. 0:08:29.079 --> 0:08:31.799 The thing is about Elena is that she actually knew 0:08:32.239 --> 0:08:35.319 that this was really bad for her, that he wasn't changing, 0:08:35.359 --> 0:08:38.279 that this wasn't working. The thing she really struggled to 0:08:38.279 --> 0:08:42.639 do was to cut the cord and make the decision. 0:08:43.039 --> 0:08:46.279 And given how quickly the divorce was finalized after speaking 0:08:46.319 --> 0:08:48.799 with her, just months after we spoke with her, I 0:08:48.839 --> 0:08:51.799 am so curious to hear what happened. 0:08:52.959 --> 0:08:53.719 Yeah, I am too. 0:08:54.599 --> 0:09:00.839 So what happened is so we were living in Italy 0:09:01.359 --> 0:09:07.799 overseas and March then my husband got called back to 0:09:07.839 --> 0:09:13.039 the States. Well, I and his children from a previous 0:09:13.079 --> 0:09:15.839 marriage were left in Italy when he went back to 0:09:15.879 --> 0:09:21.199 the States and the country went into complete shutdown. We 0:09:21.199 --> 0:09:24.279 were unable to leave the country and get back home, 0:09:25.359 --> 0:09:31.479 and that just increased the stress in our relationship at 0:09:31.479 --> 0:09:33.919 the time, but also just me being the only adult 0:09:33.999 --> 0:09:37.759 in the household with three kids depending on me. I'm 0:09:37.759 --> 0:09:40.599 not the biological mother, but you know, the step parent. 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:47.519 There further complicated things were my husband wasn't really communicating 0:09:47.999 --> 0:09:52.639 during this time. He wasn't calling us on the phone, 0:09:52.119 --> 0:09:59.479 he wouldn't answer I don't know messages. Really really kind 0:09:59.519 --> 0:10:03.639 of left alone, you know, with the stresses of going 0:10:03.799 --> 0:10:08.479 to school online and three different kids in three different grades, 0:10:09.319 --> 0:10:12.959 three different schools. You know, I was really overwhelmed. That 0:10:13.079 --> 0:10:17.559 was something that my husband couldn't be empathetic about, and 0:10:17.599 --> 0:10:20.879 so that really hurt the marriage further. 0:10:22.239 --> 0:10:25.399 So Wow, and there are a couple of wow moments 0:10:25.519 --> 0:10:28.639 for me, I guess the biggest one is that we 0:10:28.679 --> 0:10:31.959 didn't know there were kids in the picture. Now, in 0:10:31.999 --> 0:10:34.559 regular psychotherapy, we get to ask a lot of background 0:10:34.639 --> 0:10:38.119 questions and we will find out very soon if there 0:10:38.279 --> 0:10:41.719 were children or any other people that are relevant in 0:10:41.759 --> 0:10:45.079 the picture. But in the sessions we do for the podcast, 0:10:45.199 --> 0:10:48.479 we only have a very short amount of time, and 0:10:48.599 --> 0:10:51.319 there was nothing in what she was telling us to 0:10:51.439 --> 0:10:54.799 indicate that there were children there, and certainly that there 0:10:54.799 --> 0:10:58.199 were his children from a previous marriage, and even more 0:10:58.239 --> 0:11:02.159 so that she was a big part of taking care 0:11:02.239 --> 0:11:05.439 of them. That is a big surprise for me. 0:11:06.399 --> 0:11:08.399 Yeah, that is such a surprise that we had that 0:11:08.639 --> 0:11:11.319 entire session with her and not want did it come 0:11:11.399 --> 0:11:16.599 up that he had kids from another marriage, and it's 0:11:16.639 --> 0:11:20.519 not uncommon for people to leave things out in sessions, 0:11:20.559 --> 0:11:24.079 even when we are seeing them for psychotherapy. And I 0:11:24.079 --> 0:11:27.479 think that the reason that people leave things out is 0:11:27.559 --> 0:11:31.799 because if they bring something up, it forces them to 0:11:31.839 --> 0:11:34.279 face a truth that they might not be ready to. 0:11:34.799 --> 0:11:38.439 And so for Elena, if she had added this information that, oh, 0:11:38.439 --> 0:11:40.879 by the way, not only is he chronically cheating on 0:11:40.959 --> 0:11:43.319 me and lying to me and gaslighting me and calling 0:11:43.359 --> 0:11:47.519 me crazy, but also I'm taking care of his three kids, 0:11:47.919 --> 0:11:50.199 And if she had added that, it would be even 0:11:50.279 --> 0:11:54.319 more clear how untenable the situation was at a point 0:11:54.359 --> 0:11:57.639 when she wasn't quite ready to face it entirely. 0:11:58.319 --> 0:12:01.279 And the fact that while he was in America and 0:12:01.399 --> 0:12:04.559 Elena was taking care of his three kids, he wasn't 0:12:04.599 --> 0:12:06.999 reaching out even to be in touch with his kids, 0:12:07.039 --> 0:12:11.119 so he was abandoning the kids as well, just shows 0:12:11.159 --> 0:12:16.679 such a complete disregard for his family relationships and how 0:12:16.759 --> 0:12:21.079 much he was incredibly focused on himself and on what 0:12:21.599 --> 0:12:24.759 he wanted and needed in that time and truly shut 0:12:24.879 --> 0:12:28.599 everyone else out, including apparently Elena, not just Elena. 0:12:29.239 --> 0:12:32.519 And even then, even with the anxiety that she must 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:36.639 have been experiencing to be with his kids and to 0:12:36.719 --> 0:12:40.279 be so far away and to not know what was 0:12:40.319 --> 0:12:42.279 going on with him, and to not be in any 0:12:42.359 --> 0:12:48.239 contact with him. That just incredibly anxiety provoking. And still 0:12:48.879 --> 0:12:51.239 she was not ready to leave. So let's hear what 0:12:51.279 --> 0:12:51.919 happened next. 0:12:52.079 --> 0:12:56.799 And then, you know, I found out that while he's 0:12:56.839 --> 0:13:00.439 in America and I'm in Italy with his kids, he's 0:13:00.479 --> 0:13:03.039 having affairs still, and he was open to me about 0:13:03.039 --> 0:13:06.639 that that he was seeing someone, and not just one time, 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:11.599 but multiple times. When it was time that we could 0:13:11.639 --> 0:13:15.519 finally leave the country to come back to America, I 0:13:15.719 --> 0:13:18.159 asked him not to pick me up at the airport. 0:13:18.439 --> 0:13:22.519 I just needed some time to myself to kind of 0:13:22.639 --> 0:13:27.159 really decide if I wanted to move forward. So I 0:13:27.199 --> 0:13:31.559 think I landed on a Tuesday, and then on that 0:13:31.679 --> 0:13:35.399 Thursday is when he told me he no longer wanted 0:13:35.439 --> 0:13:39.599 to work on the relationship. And that's something that I 0:13:39.639 --> 0:13:47.039 struggle with because I know that our marriage ended because 0:13:47.079 --> 0:13:53.999 he chose to walk away, and I don't know if 0:13:54.199 --> 0:13:59.079 that's something that I could have done eventually or maybe 0:13:59.119 --> 0:14:03.559 in six months, maybe in a year, maybe in three years. 0:14:04.479 --> 0:14:07.599 It's something that I kind of struggle with knowing what 0:14:07.799 --> 0:14:11.359 is in my past or what is going on internally. 0:14:11.599 --> 0:14:15.439 That made me stay in that relationship for as long 0:14:15.519 --> 0:14:18.879 as I did, with as much toxicity in it that 0:14:19.039 --> 0:14:23.039 there was. You know, it was definitely something that needed 0:14:23.079 --> 0:14:27.359 to happen, and I think the timing was well when 0:14:27.399 --> 0:14:31.439 it happened. It was just I wasn't there yet. I 0:14:31.519 --> 0:14:34.199 wasn't ready to walk away yet, and it was It 0:14:34.279 --> 0:14:37.079 was very difficult for me, So I can't take the 0:14:37.119 --> 0:14:41.439 credit of walking away from that relationship. But now I 0:14:41.479 --> 0:14:44.639 am understanding that it needed to happen and it was 0:14:44.679 --> 0:14:45.839 for the best. 0:14:46.559 --> 0:14:50.559 So here again, even with him not being a real 0:14:50.639 --> 0:14:54.039 partner and communicating during COVID while she's alone with his 0:14:54.119 --> 0:14:58.519 three kids and telling her he was sleeping with other people, 0:14:59.159 --> 0:15:02.239 Elena still wasn't ready to leave him, and it's going 0:15:02.319 --> 0:15:05.279 to be very important for her to understand why that is. 0:15:05.519 --> 0:15:09.119 I'm glad that she's asking herself that question. I remember 0:15:09.519 --> 0:15:12.519 session she mentioned that her mother had been cheated on 0:15:12.599 --> 0:15:17.719 as well, and so I'm guessing that there's some intergenerational 0:15:17.999 --> 0:15:20.479 pattern or trauma that's being played out here that she's 0:15:20.519 --> 0:15:21.799 going to have to understand better. 0:15:22.719 --> 0:15:25.599 I think part of why Elena really couldn't leave, And 0:15:25.639 --> 0:15:28.919 I certainly understand why it's upsetting for her that, given everything, 0:15:28.959 --> 0:15:30.599 he was the one to break up with her. But 0:15:30.679 --> 0:15:34.479 when you live with somebody who's gaslighting you so profoundly 0:15:34.679 --> 0:15:39.159 and for such a long time, doing outrageous, outrageous things, 0:15:39.199 --> 0:15:43.039 and telling you that your reactions are outrageous or out 0:15:43.079 --> 0:15:46.319 of control or you're the crazy one, it makes you 0:15:46.559 --> 0:15:51.239 lose touch with your internal compass. You no longer know 0:15:51.799 --> 0:15:54.639 what's up and what's down, on what's right and what's wrong. 0:15:54.839 --> 0:15:57.079 And even if you think you're justified, you're just not 0:15:57.199 --> 0:16:00.319 sure because all you hear is that's an overreaction, you're 0:16:00.359 --> 0:16:02.879 out of control, you're crazy. And I think over the 0:16:02.959 --> 0:16:06.919 years what happened to Elena is she just lost all perspective. Now, 0:16:07.199 --> 0:16:09.599 we gave her an assignment to help get some of 0:16:09.599 --> 0:16:12.919 that back, but I think that loss for her was profound. 0:16:12.959 --> 0:16:17.479 She simply couldn't trust herself, and she didn't trust herself 0:16:17.559 --> 0:16:21.279 to make that decision, especially when she was still isolated 0:16:21.519 --> 0:16:24.679 in a foreign country. I think she lost all ability 0:16:24.959 --> 0:16:28.439 to be in touch with what reality is and what's reasonable. 0:16:29.439 --> 0:16:31.679 Yeah, the isolation was a big part of it, and 0:16:31.679 --> 0:16:34.999 that's why we had her tell her friends what was 0:16:35.039 --> 0:16:37.439 going on so she could get a reality check on that. 0:16:37.479 --> 0:16:39.639 And we also had her write down every incident that 0:16:39.719 --> 0:16:42.119 happened so that she could see it on the page, 0:16:42.239 --> 0:16:45.319 which also helps with reality checking. But then you still 0:16:45.359 --> 0:16:47.839 have him coming in saying, Oh, you're getting upset about 0:16:47.839 --> 0:16:52.479 this thing. You're overreacting what's happening. You're crazy, And you 0:16:52.519 --> 0:16:54.999 know that goes on for years and years, and it 0:16:55.039 --> 0:16:58.559 becomes very hard to locate your internal compass. 0:16:58.799 --> 0:17:01.679 And I guess in that way, his leaving was a 0:17:01.719 --> 0:17:03.999 gift for her because she wasn't able to and maybe 0:17:04.039 --> 0:17:05.999 she would have become more able to once she got back, 0:17:06.039 --> 0:17:09.999 but him leaving and doing it so abruptly and so 0:17:10.199 --> 0:17:14.039 much in line with his other inconsiderate, really selfish actions, 0:17:14.079 --> 0:17:17.919 I think was nonetheless a gift. Because she wasn't able 0:17:17.999 --> 0:17:20.239 to push the eject button. He pushed it for her. 0:17:20.799 --> 0:17:22.639 Yeah, and I think she needs to reframe it that way. 0:17:22.679 --> 0:17:24.759 I think a lot of people feel like, I've been 0:17:24.799 --> 0:17:27.199 through all of this with you, and you're the one 0:17:27.199 --> 0:17:30.519 who's dumping me, which is I think what she kind 0:17:30.559 --> 0:17:32.719 of grapples with a little bit here, and what I 0:17:32.719 --> 0:17:36.919 want to say to Elena is this absolutely was a 0:17:36.959 --> 0:17:40.439 gift to her. I hope that she will consider it 0:17:40.479 --> 0:17:44.359 that and especially moving forward when she experiences and tastes 0:17:44.399 --> 0:17:46.879 her freedom, I think she's going to see it more 0:17:46.879 --> 0:17:47.839 and more as a gift. 0:17:48.639 --> 0:17:50.519 So let's here's the more. There's more from Elena. Let's 0:17:50.519 --> 0:17:51.839 here what happens next. 0:17:53.079 --> 0:17:57.479 So yeah, so he still oversees and I am a 0:17:57.759 --> 0:18:01.279 stateside in a city with friends and family. When I 0:18:01.319 --> 0:18:03.999 got back to the States, my family and friends threw 0:18:04.079 --> 0:18:07.359 me a big welcome home party. I just broke down 0:18:07.399 --> 0:18:09.679 in tears with the amount of love that was shut 0:18:09.719 --> 0:18:13.319 on me. They're at that party. Since all of this, 0:18:13.479 --> 0:18:17.599 I've met someone super wonderful and great. They've been really 0:18:17.679 --> 0:18:21.279 patient with my healing process of everything. 0:18:22.359 --> 0:18:24.879 I love hearing this because once you leave a situation 0:18:25.079 --> 0:18:27.439 like that, you often find the people who are there 0:18:27.479 --> 0:18:30.439 for you and who want to meet your needs. So 0:18:30.759 --> 0:18:34.359 that great reception and homecoming from family and friends, and 0:18:34.439 --> 0:18:38.279 now a new boyfriend who's there for her and having 0:18:38.279 --> 0:18:42.399 that understanding with her healing process, I'm just so delighted 0:18:42.399 --> 0:18:42.879 to hear this. 0:18:43.959 --> 0:18:46.279 And I think it's not a coincidence that once she 0:18:46.399 --> 0:18:51.159 was able to receive in person and true love and 0:18:51.279 --> 0:18:55.119 care from the people around her, then it opened her 0:18:55.239 --> 0:18:57.959 up and allowed her to receive it from a romantic 0:18:57.999 --> 0:18:58.759 partner as well. 0:18:59.559 --> 0:19:01.919 That's right, there's a two way dynamic going on, which 0:19:01.999 --> 0:19:06.119 is not only when you're in that situation can you 0:19:06.199 --> 0:19:09.519 not see things clearly, but you're not open to the 0:19:09.639 --> 0:19:12.399 kind of person who's going to give you what you 0:19:12.479 --> 0:19:14.759 want and what you need. And once she was out 0:19:14.759 --> 0:19:17.999 of that situation, that opened her up to the possibility 0:19:18.039 --> 0:19:20.839 of something new, and Elena had a little bit more 0:19:20.879 --> 0:19:21.119 to say. 0:19:21.199 --> 0:19:22.039 Let's hear what that is. 0:19:23.119 --> 0:19:26.399 Some of the things that I took away were at 0:19:26.399 --> 0:19:30.079 one point they said that I was having these big 0:19:30.119 --> 0:19:38.159 emotional reactions to traumatic events, and that validated my feelings 0:19:38.199 --> 0:19:42.319 of like, yeah, these are big traumatic events, and you know, 0:19:42.479 --> 0:19:47.119 having an emotional reaction is okay, because at that point, 0:19:47.159 --> 0:19:50.799 I'd been called crazy. I'd been called out of control 0:19:50.919 --> 0:19:53.959 so often that I felt that, well, maybe I am irrational, 0:19:54.039 --> 0:19:57.159 maybe I am crazy. But when they kind of said that, 0:19:57.159 --> 0:20:00.719 that really helped validate my feelings. You know, also with 0:20:01.199 --> 0:20:03.519 my husband calling me out of control all the time, 0:20:03.519 --> 0:20:07.159 you're out of control, you know, guy, said, well, aren't 0:20:07.159 --> 0:20:11.319 his actions out of control? And so that really validated 0:20:11.439 --> 0:20:13.319 for me those feelings. 0:20:14.079 --> 0:20:17.119 Yes, this is exactly what we were talking about. I'm 0:20:17.159 --> 0:20:18.399 so glad she can see that. 0:20:18.799 --> 0:20:21.719 Absolutely. That's really good to hear that she's clear about 0:20:21.759 --> 0:20:24.759 those things. So there's just one last piece I think 0:20:24.759 --> 0:20:27.399 that we haven't heard yet. Let's hear the end and 0:20:27.679 --> 0:20:28.919 have things out really in now. 0:20:29.959 --> 0:20:33.639 The other thing that I've done, I guess, is create 0:20:33.719 --> 0:20:39.519 boundaries in my life in other relationships, So with family 0:20:39.559 --> 0:20:44.799 members that I needed to have boundaries, and then also 0:20:45.479 --> 0:20:50.599 with friendships even I've had to put some boundaries. And 0:20:50.639 --> 0:20:55.879 then even as far as getting back into dating after 0:20:55.959 --> 0:21:00.359 the divorce, I would see those all too familiar red 0:21:00.399 --> 0:21:05.199 flags and know like, okay, I've been here, done that. No, 0:21:05.359 --> 0:21:08.959 thank you, this is a boundary for me and this 0:21:09.079 --> 0:21:13.759 is acceptable. So that's really you know, I can't thank 0:21:13.799 --> 0:21:17.359 Glory and Guy enough for what they've done in my life, 0:21:17.399 --> 0:21:21.799 and hopefully my story has had some impact on someone 0:21:21.839 --> 0:21:27.519 else's life, and I just really appreciate this avenue here 0:21:27.599 --> 0:21:31.599 for people to listen or to hear from you guys 0:21:31.719 --> 0:21:34.559 in something that they might really be struggling with. 0:21:34.799 --> 0:21:35.319 So thank you. 0:21:35.359 --> 0:21:36.239 So much glory and. 0:21:36.159 --> 0:21:38.279 Guy right so here again. 0:21:38.359 --> 0:21:41.279 Once you become aware of what you need, you feel 0:21:41.279 --> 0:21:44.399 empowered to ask for that in relationships going forward, and 0:21:44.439 --> 0:21:47.599 you won't settle for less. And she found someone who 0:21:47.639 --> 0:21:51.119 seems to meet those desires that she has about how 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:55.879 she wants to be treated, about honesty, about presence, about connection. 0:21:56.879 --> 0:21:59.679 And the reason that we do this podcast is that 0:21:59.999 --> 0:22:03.999 we feel that each person's story in session does impact 0:22:04.079 --> 0:22:07.639 someone else's life. And there are many Elena's out there 0:22:07.719 --> 0:22:11.279 who have been lied to, are lighted, and we really 0:22:11.319 --> 0:22:13.319 hope that this session is helpful to them. 0:22:14.319 --> 0:22:16.799 So thank you Elena for coming on and sharing your 0:22:16.839 --> 0:22:19.479 story with us and with our listeners. And you know 0:22:19.519 --> 0:22:22.519 that exercise we gave you to think about a good 0:22:22.559 --> 0:22:25.599 life you might have in five years time. We actually 0:22:25.599 --> 0:22:31.799 think it might be quite good now. Absolutely, you're listening 0:22:31.839 --> 0:22:35.279 to Deo Therapists from iHeartRadio. We'll be back after a 0:22:35.319 --> 0:22:35.879 quick break. 0:22:42.839 --> 0:22:44.279 I'm Lori Gottlieb and. 0:22:44.199 --> 0:22:46.479 I'm Guy Wench and this is Deo Therapist. 0:22:50.519 --> 0:22:51.879 So let's hear our next update. 0:22:52.479 --> 0:22:55.159 Our next fellow traveler from season one also had to 0:22:55.199 --> 0:22:57.679 free herself, but this time it was from the pressure 0:22:57.679 --> 0:23:00.119 that she was putting on herself. And I love this 0:23:00.159 --> 0:23:03.519 one because Libby was only sixteen, but she knew something 0:23:03.559 --> 0:23:04.319 had to change. 0:23:04.519 --> 0:23:07.919 And I love it because that same insight took me 0:23:08.199 --> 0:23:10.559 probably a couple of decades longer than Libby to figure 0:23:10.559 --> 0:23:14.519 out me too. So just as a reminder, Livy was 0:23:14.599 --> 0:23:17.799 a junior in high school and she was putting a 0:23:17.959 --> 0:23:21.879 lot of pressure on herself to do super well, so 0:23:21.999 --> 0:23:24.239 much so that she really didn't have much of life 0:23:24.239 --> 0:23:26.759 and she was feeling very stressed out. And we helped 0:23:26.839 --> 0:23:31.919 Libby s that real success means having ambition but also 0:23:31.959 --> 0:23:32.559 having a life. 0:23:33.839 --> 0:23:38.159 My course load is pretty heavy. I'm on the leadership 0:23:38.319 --> 0:23:41.679 I think five different clubs at my school, and two 0:23:41.679 --> 0:23:44.399 of them are extremely prominent, So I usually have about 0:23:44.399 --> 0:23:47.519 like three meetings a week with that, and I also 0:23:47.959 --> 0:23:52.759 volunteer at the food bank eight hours every Saturday. I 0:23:52.799 --> 0:23:54.679 really do try to like put a lot of effort 0:23:54.839 --> 0:23:59.199 into my school work. I do feel like the way 0:23:59.239 --> 0:24:03.159 that like the college system and everything is kind of 0:24:03.159 --> 0:24:05.959 set up is that you kind of have to go 0:24:06.079 --> 0:24:08.079