WEBVTT - How to Set Boundaries and Change Your Life 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.120 Red Table Pop podcast all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:06.120 --> 0:00:10.239 Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:13.360 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:17.880 on Apple Podcasts. A friend told us about a New 0:00:17.960 --> 0:00:21.440 York Times bestselling book and it has helped us so much, 0:00:21.560 --> 0:00:27.360 whether it's work, family, kids, friends, boundaries with your money. 0:00:27.680 --> 0:00:31.600 That's why boundaries will always be a lifelong practice. Say 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:36.320 it again. I used to have really aggressive boundaries because 0:00:36.360 --> 0:00:40.159 my boundaries weren't respected as a child. I get angry 0:00:40.159 --> 0:00:43.239 if you make me set a boundary, you challenge their behavior, 0:00:44.080 --> 0:00:48.160 and people don't like a challenge. I guess I'm considering 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:55.400 that a weakness. Yeah, oh, it's not that heavy. We 0:00:55.640 --> 0:01:04.880 got we got who huh? We got what we got? 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:10.600 So we are lucky to have talented actress and our 0:01:10.760 --> 0:01:18.400 beautiful friend Lauren London. She's started several films and television shows, 0:01:18.800 --> 0:01:22.280 is a fashion designer and a busy mom of two 0:01:22.360 --> 0:01:27.640 beautiful boys. Stute teaching for Miss Willow Smith herself. Yes 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:31.319 you are, because you know Miss Willow is on school, 0:01:32.120 --> 0:01:37.040 so you are our guest host. I am this is 0:01:37.080 --> 0:01:41.120 the only job of Willows I could assist in because 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:44.640 I cannot sing, and we'll not try. Let me tell 0:01:44.680 --> 0:01:48.840 you she's like a rock star now. Yes, she's rocking 0:01:48.880 --> 0:01:51.520 it out yea and loving it. We're here to talk 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:58.000 about boundaries. And a friend that we both share told 0:01:58.080 --> 0:02:00.880 us about a New York Times best selling book and 0:02:00.920 --> 0:02:03.160 it has helped me so much and I wanted to 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:07.360 bring it to the table. It's called set boundaries fine peace. 0:02:08.320 --> 0:02:10.720 I mean for me, when it comes to everything, I 0:02:10.800 --> 0:02:14.760 have a difficult time setting boundaries with it all, whether 0:02:14.800 --> 0:02:21.040 it's work, family, kids, friends, boundaries with your money. Yeah, 0:02:21.480 --> 0:02:25.200 for me, setting boundaries is new. When I was younger, 0:02:25.240 --> 0:02:29.320 I was okay with being in conflict about my boundaries. 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:31.079 But now as I got older, I'm like, oh, there's 0:02:31.080 --> 0:02:33.280 a way to say things and learning how to have 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:37.000 peaceful boundaries with me. I get angry if you make 0:02:37.040 --> 0:02:41.959 me set a boundary, I get angry at you. Isn't 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:44.440 that crazy? So now you're putting me in a position 0:02:44.440 --> 0:02:47.360 that I gotta tell you to like give me fifty 0:02:48.000 --> 0:02:52.000 You couldn't see that. I definitely realized that it is 0:02:52.160 --> 0:02:55.960 a huge weakness of mine, and it's definitely played into 0:02:56.360 --> 0:03:02.600 a lot of relationship issues. So therapist Nedra Towab's best 0:03:02.600 --> 0:03:07.040 selling book is being called The Boundary Bible, and she's 0:03:07.120 --> 0:03:10.680 here to set us all free, can get us all 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:15.200 the way together. Welcome to the table. Let's define what 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:23.080 boundaries means. Yeah, boundaries are the solution. It's what we want, 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:27.040 what we need, our expectations. It's not for other people 0:03:27.080 --> 0:03:30.800 to set, it's for me to do. Yeah, I really 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:34.960 get angry when I'm forced to set a boundary. I 0:03:35.120 --> 0:03:37.600 realized that the other day with a friend of mine. 0:03:37.720 --> 0:03:40.200 I was like, I really have to talk to this 0:03:40.280 --> 0:03:43.240 person about this issue that I'm having. Then I got 0:03:43.280 --> 0:03:46.920 mad at that person for making me have to advocate 0:03:46.960 --> 0:03:51.280 for myself. And that was deep. That was deep. So 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:55.160 sometimes we'll say like, well, why doesn't this person know? Right, 0:03:55.840 --> 0:03:58.160 I think of it as a preference. You may not 0:03:58.400 --> 0:04:01.240 know what my preference is for something, and so it's 0:04:01.360 --> 0:04:05.520 my job to communicate to you this is what I need, 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:07.960 this is what I want, this is what would work 0:04:08.120 --> 0:04:11.920 best for me. But just assuming that they should know 0:04:12.000 --> 0:04:14.600 because they're your friend, they've known you for ten years, 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:17.760 or any of these things, it's unfair and it does 0:04:17.839 --> 0:04:21.320 put us in this space of feeling resentful, upset at 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:25.440 them for having to do this, but their boundaries are different. Yeah, 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:28.600 And I love how you just frame that as it's 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:32.159 a preference. It's no right or wrong to it. Sometimes 0:04:32.839 --> 0:04:35.400 I feel like the boundaries and I'm asking for petty, 0:04:35.640 --> 0:04:38.440 Like I'm real old school. Don't come into the house 0:04:38.440 --> 0:04:40.200 if I don't really know you and just go on 0:04:40.240 --> 0:04:44.560 my pantry. Yeah. Yeah, that's a code that might have 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:47.800 been lost over time, but I'm still with that. I 0:04:49.080 --> 0:04:52.359 but if it makes you are comfortable, it's okay to 0:04:52.480 --> 0:04:55.840 say something. Some of us it doesn't matter. You know, 0:04:55.960 --> 0:05:00.040 it's not an issue unless it's an issue. Recently, I 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:03.720 Wanta called me and their conversation was toxic, and um 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:05.920 I didn't want to indulge in it, and I stopped 0:05:05.920 --> 0:05:07.720 in mid sentence and I was like, you know, I'm 0:05:07.720 --> 0:05:10.520 really not in this space. I wish you peace and love. 0:05:10.800 --> 0:05:13.320 And they got off the phone. And then a week 0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:16.120 later I hear that they're talking so bad about me. 0:05:16.279 --> 0:05:19.800 So I there, I am creating a healthy boundary, and 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:22.279 it felt like it went to slap me in my face. 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:25.839 We can't control how people respond. We can say things 0:05:25.839 --> 0:05:28.520 in the nicest way you can smile and say it. 0:05:28.640 --> 0:05:32.400 This conversation isn't working for me. However you say it, 0:05:32.560 --> 0:05:35.520 their takeaway will be wow, I was just trying to 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:37.960 talk about X, Y and Z. Why is she upset? 0:05:38.240 --> 0:05:41.120 You have to know that the boundary in and of 0:05:41.200 --> 0:05:44.920 itself wasn't offensive. You gave them love and peace and 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:48.120 have a wonderful day, all the things we're supposed to say. 0:05:48.200 --> 0:05:51.280 But I think the bigger issue is you challenge their behavior. 0:05:52.200 --> 0:05:56.400 There you go, and people don't like a challenge because 0:05:56.520 --> 0:06:01.520 what you said was whoa this conversation it is unhealthy 0:06:01.600 --> 0:06:03.880 for me to hear. And that person probably thought, like, 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:06.840 are you saying I'm unhealthy? World? No, No, I didn't 0:06:06.839 --> 0:06:10.480 say you were unhealthy. I said this is a conversation 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:14.960 that I'm not willing to be a part of. Boundaries 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:21.039 will challenge people's behavior. That will create some upsets, But 0:06:21.120 --> 0:06:24.320 it's okay because I'm gonna tell you something else. In 0:06:24.480 --> 0:06:28.240 that challenge, you start to realize where certain people should 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:31.480 be in your life. Got a couple of circles and 0:06:31.720 --> 0:06:33.880 you may need to stay out here, right, we might 0:06:33.920 --> 0:06:37.120 have to put but here. They were already out there, 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:41.040 So I'm like you want to get in the square. 0:06:44.600 --> 0:06:50.400 I forgotten because I realized, like, in the process of 0:06:50.480 --> 0:06:53.839 learning how to set boundaries is also setting boundaries on myself. 0:06:54.360 --> 0:06:57.680 And I realized that's probably why I get upset when 0:06:57.720 --> 0:07:01.040 I have to set boundaries, because now I'm in challenged, 0:07:01.640 --> 0:07:05.000 I'm being checked. I gotta grow. Oh so you're gonna 0:07:05.000 --> 0:07:08.240 make me grow right now, right now, right this second, 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:10.520 You're about to make me grow that I'm real, smooth 0:07:10.560 --> 0:07:14.680 and comfortable. That's why boundaries will always be a lifelong practice, 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:20.200 because no matter where we are and how much we've 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:23.520 cleaned house or what we've done, will need to continue 0:07:23.560 --> 0:07:29.000 those boundaries and recognizing too that as you grow and change, 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:32.040 your boundaries are going to grow and change. Because I 0:07:32.120 --> 0:07:35.120 had a situation recently where I was like, for right now, 0:07:36.200 --> 0:07:39.160 this is what works for me, and it doesn't have 0:07:39.200 --> 0:07:42.400 to work for you. I need that space and I'm 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:45.920 not willing to have that person in my space right now. 0:07:46.120 --> 0:07:48.240 And how did that How did they respond to that? 0:07:48.760 --> 0:07:51.120 It wasn't directly to the person. It was trying to 0:07:51.160 --> 0:07:55.160 make other people understand why that person couldn't be in 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:58.720 your space. And that's always interesting when it's a circle 0:07:58.800 --> 0:08:01.600 of people and everyone else is like, why can't this 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:04.480 person be involved? So that is a boundary to to 0:08:04.600 --> 0:08:07.760 let people know, hey, I understand this is your person. 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:11.040 They are not my person right now. That challenges that 0:08:11.160 --> 0:08:14.360 person because now they're thinking, well, is this something wrong 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:17.960 with the type of people are like no, no, no, absolutely, 0:08:19.480 --> 0:08:23.440 but I have a preference of something different and that's okay. 0:08:23.600 --> 0:08:28.080 I love that you reframe that just a preference, a preference. Yeah. 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:31.400 So that just says there are key boundaries. First, it 0:08:31.480 --> 0:08:36.280 is emotional boundaries. Can you explain? Emotional boundaries are your feelings? 0:08:36.280 --> 0:08:40.160 And I think so often when people feel something, we 0:08:40.280 --> 0:08:43.120 tell them how to feel. It's an attempt to support, 0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:46.560 to say well it will be okay, or you shouldn't 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:49.560 feel this way. So it's telling people how to feel 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:52.640 when they should be over something, what they should do 0:08:52.760 --> 0:08:57.440 with the feeling. Those are the violations. Okay, so let's 0:08:57.480 --> 0:09:01.600 just talk about this for a second. I feel like 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:10.600 I've been somewhe okay, So all right, yeah, I'm tame. 0:09:10.720 --> 0:09:12.480 They're gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay. You 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:14.480 a week, I gotta do this. Then the third we're 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:17.720 gonna figure it out how do you know. I'm like, look, girl, 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:20.360 you gotta do this and one week you will be better. 0:09:22.040 --> 0:09:25.920 So to demonstrate how our emotional boundaries can be violated, 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:33.560 we set up this scenario. Let's take a watch justin 0:09:33.720 --> 0:09:39.000 I'm really tired, sorry from what baby? Well, I just 0:09:39.040 --> 0:09:41.680 get an email from Molly's teacher and it turns out 0:09:41.720 --> 0:09:44.240 she's not doing well in math. Let's figure out how 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:46.439 to get Billy to the dentist tomorrow because the babysitter 0:09:46.600 --> 0:09:49.200 is sick and I just had to deal fall through 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:55.520 at work. So it's just it's been a day, all right. 0:09:55.920 --> 0:10:00.240 Are you crying? No, I'm not. It's just it's a lot. Hey, 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:03.080 if you are not crying right now, listen, listen. I 0:10:03.120 --> 0:10:05.920 just think that you overthink everything. You can't deal with 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:08.080 it right now anyway. Why are you getting mad? I'm 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:09.920 just letting you know how I'm feeling. Yeah, but you 0:10:09.920 --> 0:10:12.520 shouldn't be sad. I mean, there's nothing to be sad about. 0:10:12.960 --> 0:10:15.200 When I try to talk about my feelings, it just 0:10:15.240 --> 0:10:16.959 seems to make things worse. So I'm just going to 0:10:17.040 --> 0:10:20.920 keep my feelings to myself. I just had a situation 0:10:21.000 --> 0:10:25.400 like that where someone was explaining a scenario to me, 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:29.960 and they were describing that the person got very tearful, 0:10:30.440 --> 0:10:34.400 and I was like, what's she crying for? We all 0:10:34.440 --> 0:10:37.560 cry for different reasons. Yeah, But I mean I'm just thinking, 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:40.680 like how I didn't think about it that way. I 0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:42.840 have this thing where I don't have a lot of 0:10:43.400 --> 0:10:48.800 patience for what I consider I guess I'm considering that 0:10:48.920 --> 0:10:53.840 a weakness. Yeah, yet overs it's not. It's not that 0:10:53.960 --> 0:10:58.840 heavy like that brought you to tears. But I wonder 0:10:59.120 --> 0:11:02.920 sometimes about the situations that might bring us to tears 0:11:03.800 --> 0:11:07.240 when other people would be okay, right, because there are 0:11:07.280 --> 0:11:09.880 things that you might get upset and be ready to 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:12.440 cry about and then here's someone else signed to you 0:11:12.760 --> 0:11:15.640 that's not a big deal. But we determine what the 0:11:15.679 --> 0:11:18.880 big deal is. And I think sometimes too. When I 0:11:18.920 --> 0:11:21.240 was looking at that, I was like, dang, I see 0:11:21.280 --> 0:11:25.520 myself in there, you know, because I always say it's 0:11:25.559 --> 0:11:28.200 gonna be okay, you know, because I always want people 0:11:28.240 --> 0:11:30.760 to feel better, you know what I'm saying. But it's 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:35.240 hard to see people sad. Yeah, it's so hard. So 0:11:35.320 --> 0:11:38.720 much of my job is watching people feel right, and 0:11:38.840 --> 0:11:42.320 so I don't even give people tissue, like I'm the 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:44.720 tissue is there. When you're ready for it, you grab it. 0:11:44.800 --> 0:11:48.160 I don't want you to stop your process, just feel it, 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:51.120 because this is good. It's coming out. I will sit 0:11:51.200 --> 0:11:54.079 here and it's stare at you until you're ready to talk, 0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:57.400 because this is what needs to happen. You're saying that 0:11:58.240 --> 0:12:01.600 what we should do is really be able to listen 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:06.880 to people feel just whole space to just sit there 0:12:07.320 --> 0:12:11.400 if they are feeling overwhelmed stress is not our job 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:14.320 to say what they should be stressed about. You can 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:18.120 help them problem solved, but you certainly aren't making them 0:12:18.160 --> 0:12:22.920 feel less overwhelmed by telling them this is not overwhelming. 0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:28.160 You are making them feel less supported. And I gotta 0:12:28.160 --> 0:12:30.920 stop trying to fix every damn thing. That's not my job. 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:34.520 Let me as a friend, though, You just help space 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:37.920 for me a couple of times crying like that help. 0:12:38.120 --> 0:12:42.719 You're like I'm here, like, no, I need help fix it. 0:12:43.360 --> 0:12:46.240 You help space for me before if they don't be 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:51.520 too hard. Yeah, it sounds like you recognize your limitations, 0:12:51.559 --> 0:12:54.640 like this is a thing that I can't fix for you, 0:12:54.840 --> 0:12:57.800 and my only job here is to let you cry 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:02.600 because I can't for sure what is that I knew 0:13:02.640 --> 0:13:07.560 I could not fix was there? I know? Yeah for sure. 0:13:08.880 --> 0:13:12.840 So let's see that same situation again, but now with 0:13:12.960 --> 0:13:18.120 a boundary in place. Okay, why are you crying? You 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:21.280 overthink everything? Are you getting mad? I'm just telling you 0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:26.280 how I'm feeling. Oh, you stop being so sensitive. I'm not. 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:28.720 I am just trying to talk with you. But you're 0:13:28.760 --> 0:13:31.160 being dismissive of my feelings and that doesn't work for me. 0:13:31.840 --> 0:13:33.680 It is not okay for you to tell me how 0:13:33.720 --> 0:13:40.320 I feel. You're right, I'm sorry, babe. I didn't realize 0:13:40.320 --> 0:13:50.440 how I was making you feel. Come here, m Yeah. 0:13:53.400 --> 0:13:56.000 See what happens when we tell people what we need. 0:13:56.840 --> 0:14:00.840 He probably had no clue, right, and so to have 0:14:00.960 --> 0:14:03.719 someone say this is not working for me. I'm just 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:07.160 trying to talk. That is eye opening and it's like, oh, 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:09.400 and I actually want to support you, and it sounds 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:12.120 like you have a way of me doing that for you. 0:14:12.960 --> 0:14:15.199 I gotta give the little props because you'll call me 0:14:15.960 --> 0:14:18.640 disrupted and be like, I don't need you to fix anything, mom, 0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:23.080 I just want you to listen. I go fantastic, I 0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:26.400 got you because she knows I'm gonna go straight to Okay, Well, 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:27.880 we could do this and do that, and I'm gonna 0:14:27.920 --> 0:14:32.280 do that. No, just listen to me, Mommy, I just 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:35.480 need you to listen. So, yeah, it's good, it is. 0:14:35.560 --> 0:14:37.840 I've been able to do that with my husband too, 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:42.080 because I think men typically are fixers. They want to 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:45.320 tell you how to fix something, and sometimes I don't. 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:47.200 I don't want you to fix it. I just need 0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:51.320 you to listen to what I'm saying. Yeah, with adult children, 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:55.480 what I've noticed is that shift in en rolls. Right 0:14:56.080 --> 0:15:00.320 with small children, you are fixing something, but as it's 0:15:00.400 --> 0:15:04.320 become adults, now it's do you want a suggestion or 0:15:04.360 --> 0:15:07.840 you just want me to listen. That's good. I'm gonna 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:14.440 start using that word. So next key boundary area is 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:19.040 called material. It's your possessions, it's your money, it is 0:15:19.120 --> 0:15:30.600 your stuff. Maddie, there you are, check me out. That's 0:15:30.640 --> 0:15:33.360 my dress. What are you doing? You have all the 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:36.680 best clothes? Like, where did you get this? Maddie's been 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:38.720 telling me for years that I can borrow all of 0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:41.160 her stuff. But what you didn't even ask? What are 0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:44.920 you doing? I'm going to the museum at gala party 0:15:44.960 --> 0:15:48.080 tomorrow night. How did you get invited to that? Oh? 0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:50.640 I saw the invitation on your nightstand, and I called 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:55.640 and I got myself in. I love her, but she 0:15:55.680 --> 0:15:59.200 borrows all my stuff without even asking. I can't believe 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:01.800 she took the invitation. Should off my dresser, Come on, 0:16:01.880 --> 0:16:03.800 let's go chare and more dress This from your closet. 0:16:08.160 --> 0:16:10.880 That face is a sign that she needs some boundaries, right. 0:16:12.440 --> 0:16:15.960 Have you experienced anything like this? I mean I have. 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:25.440 I mean I always asked shot up. It's really hard 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:30.960 for me because when you have so much to offer, this, 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:34.600 so much to give. I'll just go into my storage 0:16:35.080 --> 0:16:38.080 and people have either taking stuff that I didn't ask, 0:16:38.200 --> 0:16:40.560 or they're putting stuff in the storage without asking if 0:16:40.560 --> 0:16:43.400 they can use storage space. But those are the kind 0:16:43.400 --> 0:16:45.840 of things I just kind of less slide or just 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:48.680 decided to borrow that bowl that was in the kitchen 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:51.840 just for this little event I'm having. And then I 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:55.240 feel guilty because I shouldn't make a difference what it does, right, 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:57.160 I feel like it shouldn't make a difference. And then 0:16:57.200 --> 0:16:59.280 I feel like, you know, as trying to get to 0:16:59.360 --> 0:17:04.080 that spiritual enlightenment that material things don't matter, you know 0:17:04.080 --> 0:17:07.400 what I mean. But at the same time, it's the audacity. 0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:10.399 It's just it could be the boundary and it's not 0:17:10.440 --> 0:17:13.800 the material thing, you know, because you feel like people 0:17:13.880 --> 0:17:17.840 don't respect the relationship. I'm trying to learn because I'm 0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:21.160 like her, I'm always like, my house is your house? 0:17:21.240 --> 0:17:25.080 That really felt like when you're in like good relationships 0:17:25.080 --> 0:17:28.040 with people and just whatever, take it all. It's not 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:32.119 about the bowl itself. It is about respect and the 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:36.080 way that we can honor this relationship is by asking. 0:17:36.240 --> 0:17:40.400 And typically I will say yes. Yeah, I always say yes, 0:17:40.440 --> 0:17:42.760 and I will always want to be asked. That's real, 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:45.960 that's real. I want to be I'm learning that, but 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:48.239 it's hard because where I've come from. I mean, you know, 0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:50.679 most of the people that I have around me, we 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:53.920 come from the same place. You want to just offer everything, 0:17:54.119 --> 0:17:57.159 offer with boundaries. I'm learning how to do that. Well, 0:17:57.200 --> 0:18:01.840 let's see the same situation with the boundary and place. Well, 0:18:01.920 --> 0:18:04.600 that's my dress. What are you doing? I'm going to 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:07.800 the Museum Galli party tomorrow, Knights. I didn't know that 0:18:07.840 --> 0:18:09.920 you got invited to that. Oh yeah, I saw the 0:18:09.960 --> 0:18:12.640 invitation on your nightstand and I called and I got 0:18:12.680 --> 0:18:17.600 myself in. Listen, Rachel, I really don't appreciate you taking 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:20.520 things off of my dresser. You didn't even ask. I 0:18:20.560 --> 0:18:22.400 also don't think I can let you borrow any more 0:18:22.400 --> 0:18:27.680 of my clothes. Okay, I still look goodness dress though, 0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:35.600 right I'll go take it off, thank you and scene 0:18:35.680 --> 0:18:39.800 and right there you go, just realizing in those boundaries 0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:43.199 that you said, you really start to see who's a 0:18:43.320 --> 0:18:46.280 real friend and not because a real friend if you 0:18:46.359 --> 0:18:48.520 were you said, you know, a Lauren, that makes me 0:18:48.520 --> 0:18:50.800 a little uncomfortable when you do that, or can you 0:18:50.840 --> 0:18:53.080 not ask me that anymore? I would feel so bad 0:18:53.160 --> 0:18:55.520 because I put you in that position. I as a 0:18:55.560 --> 0:18:57.840 friend would be like, I'm really sorry. I had no 0:18:57.960 --> 0:19:01.640 idea would never happen again. And you know, I think 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:10.280 people have to understand that they're not entitled really entitlment. 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:14.520 You know, you know people that are close to you. 0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:19.159 I've done the same where you feel entitled two people, 0:19:19.320 --> 0:19:23.919 they're things I've had to check myself on both sides 0:19:23.960 --> 0:19:27.720 of that coin, or even entitled to knowing certain things 0:19:27.720 --> 0:19:31.680 about them. Yeah, I see that as a really big one, 0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:34.400 particularly like on social media. Well why didn't not know 0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:36.639 or how did they keep that a secrets? Because the 0:19:36.720 --> 0:19:41.040 relationship is not one where they were ready to disclose. Right, 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:45.560 that's real talk right there. With boundaries, there are times 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:49.280 where we feel guilty. That's my whole child guilt was 0:19:49.560 --> 0:19:56.520 a full guilt trip. My whole jobhood was yeah, right 0:19:56.640 --> 0:20:00.439 into some nation. Unfortunately, I was a a lot of 0:20:00.480 --> 0:20:03.320 guilt on you. It's a powerful tactic. And yeah, and 0:20:03.400 --> 0:20:05.919 we have to unlearn it. We have to unlearned the guilt. 0:20:06.000 --> 0:20:10.760 It's okay to to say it's um. I don't even 0:20:10.800 --> 0:20:13.720 think it was intentional. I think it was just like 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:17.840 the way of the world we came from. You don't 0:20:17.880 --> 0:20:21.840 have once your child, don't ask me questions, sit down, 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:26.480 or like, oh I don't like going to some and 0:20:26.560 --> 0:20:29.439 Sell's house, were we going anywhere? We're going anyway? Or 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:31.480 they ain't do nothing to you? You know, why are 0:20:31.520 --> 0:20:33.960 you acting like that around summer? So they're nice, which 0:20:34.000 --> 0:20:37.159 is why I used to have really aggressive boundaries because 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:41.600 my boundaries weren't um respected. As a child. I got 0:20:41.680 --> 0:20:44.679 really aggressive with my boundary. So it's like, oh, you 0:20:44.720 --> 0:20:47.719 don't hear what I'm saying. I'm gonna fight you. I'm 0:20:47.800 --> 0:20:50.040 a sock you you're gonna respect the violence. I think 0:20:50.040 --> 0:20:56.080 we're both unraveling that aspect of using violence as a 0:20:56.160 --> 0:21:00.680 survival mechanism because that was the only thing that those 0:21:00.800 --> 0:21:05.760 environments would respect. Yeah, all right, Well the next boundary 0:21:05.840 --> 0:21:14.040 area is physical. Here's an example of someone crossing that line. Hey, baby, 0:21:14.320 --> 0:21:20.320 Susan's almost here. Thank you for being social today for me. 0:21:21.040 --> 0:21:24.840 You got a baby? There we go. Oh my god, 0:21:24.880 --> 0:21:36.399 this is so exciting. Where here a hug? I'm going 0:21:36.440 --> 0:21:43.320 to hug. I am mortified. I told her yesterday that 0:21:43.359 --> 0:21:45.960 he doesn't like to hug. What am I supposed to do? 0:21:46.040 --> 0:21:50.480 Tell her to take her hands with my boyfriend? So greg, um, 0:21:50.560 --> 0:21:52.480 let me go get you guys some drinks. Have to 0:21:52.520 --> 0:21:56.040 seat me yourself at home. I'll be right back. That's 0:21:56.040 --> 0:22:00.600 a good couch. So Michelle told me that you are 0:22:00.680 --> 0:22:08.000 a semi pro soccer player football. Actually you're so fit. 0:22:09.200 --> 0:22:11.960 Susan is one of Michelle's best friends. But she's a 0:22:11.960 --> 0:22:15.359 little touchy touchy, and I'm not Oh this is a 0:22:15.359 --> 0:22:18.440 good one. Yeah, this one. How do you think he 0:22:18.480 --> 0:22:27.280 should have handled that, Lauren? You know me personally, I 0:22:27.320 --> 0:22:30.520 would have been very discreet and taking her hands and 0:22:30.760 --> 0:22:34.120 gave him a little squeezed like thank you and put 0:22:34.160 --> 0:22:39.200 them back in her respectful space and body. That's how 0:22:39.280 --> 0:22:41.320 I would have handled it up in the air, if 0:22:41.400 --> 0:22:43.440 that would have been the right way or not, because 0:22:43.880 --> 0:22:46.199 I have been in positions like that before, which just 0:22:47.240 --> 0:22:49.919 people you know, coming and put their arm around you, 0:22:49.960 --> 0:22:52.240 and you're like, are taking pictures with you and having 0:22:52.240 --> 0:22:55.200 their arms on your waist or hugging, you know, just 0:22:55.920 --> 0:22:59.960 stuff like that, And I've always been like, I mean, 0:23:00.000 --> 0:23:03.000 since my body, I don't like, you know, being touched 0:23:03.480 --> 0:23:07.040 by strangers or people I work with. But I don't 0:23:07.080 --> 0:23:09.919 know if that's the correct Wait, I'm sure I should 0:23:09.920 --> 0:23:13.879 say something that's a good way to physically interject, and 0:23:13.920 --> 0:23:16.400 I think he tried that by moving a little bit, 0:23:16.480 --> 0:23:19.639 and sometimes that works. I think in this scenario, what 0:23:20.000 --> 0:23:22.760 stood out for me the most was her friend was 0:23:22.840 --> 0:23:27.600 informed that he did not like to be hugged and 0:23:27.720 --> 0:23:31.439 he didn't like physical touch. When we like something, we 0:23:31.520 --> 0:23:33.919 think everybody else should like it, and it's anything. You 0:23:33.920 --> 0:23:36.680 go to your favorite restaurant, You're like girl to pasta. 0:23:37.080 --> 0:23:39.439 You gotta try to pasta. You know you should go? 0:23:39.560 --> 0:23:43.919 Can we go Tuesday? You just want people to be 0:23:44.160 --> 0:23:46.720 like you, to feel like you. You are introvert, You 0:23:46.720 --> 0:23:49.680 should be more extroverted. You know, we like to get 0:23:49.720 --> 0:23:52.760 people on our page. I think that was her attempt, like, well, 0:23:52.840 --> 0:23:55.520 he doesn't like physical touch, but he hasn't met me, 0:23:55.920 --> 0:23:59.119 and it's like he doesn't like anyone's physical touch. And 0:23:59.200 --> 0:24:02.320 we have to be very clear that it's not you. 0:24:02.920 --> 0:24:07.760 It's his preference. His preference is please do not give 0:24:07.760 --> 0:24:10.360 me a hug. It's not because he doesn't like you, 0:24:10.359 --> 0:24:14.399 your perfume or anything like that, but this is the preference. 0:24:14.480 --> 0:24:18.320 It's not you, it's me, because it is me. It's 0:24:18.400 --> 0:24:22.440 my preference. It's not you, it's me. So let's see 0:24:22.440 --> 0:24:27.320 that same situation again with a boundary in place. Okay, Todd, 0:24:27.520 --> 0:24:33.680 it is so nice to finally meet you. Hold see, 0:24:33.720 --> 0:24:36.960 I'm not a hugger, but we could say go on it. 0:24:38.359 --> 0:24:40.199 So I'm gonna go get us some drinks and you 0:24:40.280 --> 0:24:48.199 make yourself home perfect. Looks great, Thank you. So Michelle 0:24:48.280 --> 0:24:51.280 told me, what's your mind? School over just a little bit. 0:24:51.880 --> 0:24:55.840 I like my personal space. I got it. It was 0:24:55.880 --> 0:24:58.360 hard to tell Susan to move over at first, but 0:24:58.920 --> 0:25:01.159 I did and she sen and she moved over and 0:25:01.160 --> 0:25:05.439 everything was fine. Yeah, so he handled it as he should. 0:25:05.760 --> 0:25:09.080 For sure, she did his boundary's boundary, but then I 0:25:09.080 --> 0:25:12.240 would have a talk with her anyway. She was too 0:25:12.240 --> 0:25:16.000 close anyway, but that to be her friend's boyfriend. He 0:25:16.119 --> 0:25:18.520 kept it cool, yeah, because he made like a joke 0:25:18.800 --> 0:25:23.800 and was like, hey, we're good, exact distance cool. I 0:25:23.880 --> 0:25:26.320 love how At the end he said it was hard, 0:25:26.880 --> 0:25:30.360 but I did it anyway, and she listened. Our assumption 0:25:30.760 --> 0:25:33.800 is often that the person will not listen, that they 0:25:33.880 --> 0:25:38.200