Speaker 1: Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the
Speaker 1: Red Table Pop podcast all your favorite episodes from the
Speaker 1: Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review
Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts. A friend told us about a New
Speaker 1: York Times bestselling book and it has helped us so much,
Speaker 1: whether it's work, family, kids, friends, boundaries with your money.
Speaker 1: That's why boundaries will always be a lifelong practice. Say
Speaker 1: it again. I used to have really aggressive boundaries because
Speaker 1: my boundaries weren't respected as a child. I get angry
Speaker 1: if you make me set a boundary, you challenge their behavior,
Speaker 1: and people don't like a challenge. I guess I'm considering
Speaker 1: that a weakness. Yeah, oh, it's not that heavy. We
Speaker 1: got we got who huh? We got what we got?
Speaker 1: So we are lucky to have talented actress and our
Speaker 1: beautiful friend Lauren London. She's started several films and television shows,
Speaker 1: is a fashion designer and a busy mom of two
Speaker 1: beautiful boys. Stute teaching for Miss Willow Smith herself. Yes
Speaker 1: you are, because you know Miss Willow is on school,
Speaker 1: so you are our guest host. I am this is
Speaker 1: the only job of Willows I could assist in because
Speaker 1: I cannot sing, and we'll not try. Let me tell
Speaker 1: you she's like a rock star now. Yes, she's rocking
Speaker 1: it out yea and loving it. We're here to talk
Speaker 1: about boundaries. And a friend that we both share told
Speaker 1: us about a New York Times best selling book and
Speaker 1: it has helped me so much and I wanted to
Speaker 1: bring it to the table. It's called set boundaries fine peace.
Speaker 1: I mean for me, when it comes to everything, I
Speaker 1: have a difficult time setting boundaries with it all, whether
Speaker 1: it's work, family, kids, friends, boundaries with your money. Yeah,
Speaker 1: for me, setting boundaries is new. When I was younger,
Speaker 1: I was okay with being in conflict about my boundaries.
Speaker 1: But now as I got older, I'm like, oh, there's
Speaker 1: a way to say things and learning how to have
Speaker 1: peaceful boundaries with me. I get angry if you make
Speaker 1: me set a boundary, I get angry at you. Isn't
Speaker 1: that crazy? So now you're putting me in a position
Speaker 1: that I gotta tell you to like give me fifty
Speaker 1: You couldn't see that. I definitely realized that it is
Speaker 1: a huge weakness of mine, and it's definitely played into
Speaker 1: a lot of relationship issues. So therapist Nedra Towab's best
Speaker 1: selling book is being called The Boundary Bible, and she's
Speaker 1: here to set us all free, can get us all
Speaker 1: the way together. Welcome to the table. Let's define what
Speaker 1: boundaries means. Yeah, boundaries are the solution. It's what we want,
Speaker 1: what we need, our expectations. It's not for other people
Speaker 1: to set, it's for me to do. Yeah, I really
Speaker 1: get angry when I'm forced to set a boundary. I
Speaker 1: realized that the other day with a friend of mine.
Speaker 1: I was like, I really have to talk to this
Speaker 1: person about this issue that I'm having. Then I got
Speaker 1: mad at that person for making me have to advocate
Speaker 1: for myself. And that was deep. That was deep. So
Speaker 1: sometimes we'll say like, well, why doesn't this person know? Right,
Speaker 1: I think of it as a preference. You may not
Speaker 1: know what my preference is for something, and so it's
Speaker 1: my job to communicate to you this is what I need,
Speaker 1: this is what I want, this is what would work
Speaker 1: best for me. But just assuming that they should know
Speaker 1: because they're your friend, they've known you for ten years,
Speaker 1: or any of these things, it's unfair and it does
Speaker 1: put us in this space of feeling resentful, upset at
Speaker 1: them for having to do this, but their boundaries are different. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I love how you just frame that as it's
Speaker 1: a preference. It's no right or wrong to it. Sometimes
Speaker 1: I feel like the boundaries and I'm asking for petty,
Speaker 1: Like I'm real old school. Don't come into the house
Speaker 1: if I don't really know you and just go on
Speaker 1: my pantry. Yeah. Yeah, that's a code that might have
Speaker 1: been lost over time, but I'm still with that. I
Speaker 1: but if it makes you are comfortable, it's okay to
Speaker 1: say something. Some of us it doesn't matter. You know,
Speaker 1: it's not an issue unless it's an issue. Recently, I
Speaker 1: Wanta called me and their conversation was toxic, and um
Speaker 1: I didn't want to indulge in it, and I stopped
Speaker 1: in mid sentence and I was like, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: really not in this space. I wish you peace and love.
Speaker 1: And they got off the phone. And then a week
Speaker 1: later I hear that they're talking so bad about me.
Speaker 1: So I there, I am creating a healthy boundary, and
Speaker 1: it felt like it went to slap me in my face.
Speaker 1: We can't control how people respond. We can say things
Speaker 1: in the nicest way you can smile and say it.
Speaker 1: This conversation isn't working for me. However you say it,
Speaker 1: their takeaway will be wow, I was just trying to
Speaker 1: talk about X, Y and Z. Why is she upset?
Speaker 1: You have to know that the boundary in and of
Speaker 1: itself wasn't offensive. You gave them love and peace and
Speaker 1: have a wonderful day, all the things we're supposed to say.
Speaker 1: But I think the bigger issue is you challenge their behavior.
Speaker 1: There you go, and people don't like a challenge because
Speaker 1: what you said was whoa this conversation it is unhealthy
Speaker 1: for me to hear. And that person probably thought, like,
Speaker 1: are you saying I'm unhealthy? World? No, No, I didn't
Speaker 1: say you were unhealthy. I said this is a conversation
Speaker 1: that I'm not willing to be a part of. Boundaries
Speaker 1: will challenge people's behavior. That will create some upsets, But
Speaker 1: it's okay because I'm gonna tell you something else. In
Speaker 1: that challenge, you start to realize where certain people should
Speaker 1: be in your life. Got a couple of circles and
Speaker 1: you may need to stay out here, right, we might
Speaker 1: have to put but here. They were already out there,
Speaker 1: So I'm like you want to get in the square.
Speaker 1: I forgotten because I realized, like, in the process of
Speaker 1: learning how to set boundaries is also setting boundaries on myself.
Speaker 1: And I realized that's probably why I get upset when
Speaker 1: I have to set boundaries, because now I'm in challenged,
Speaker 1: I'm being checked. I gotta grow. Oh so you're gonna
Speaker 1: make me grow right now, right now, right this second,
Speaker 1: You're about to make me grow that I'm real, smooth
Speaker 1: and comfortable. That's why boundaries will always be a lifelong practice,
Speaker 1: because no matter where we are and how much we've
Speaker 1: cleaned house or what we've done, will need to continue
Speaker 1: those boundaries and recognizing too that as you grow and change,
Speaker 1: your boundaries are going to grow and change. Because I
Speaker 1: had a situation recently where I was like, for right now,
Speaker 1: this is what works for me, and it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to work for you. I need that space and I'm
Speaker 1: not willing to have that person in my space right now.
Speaker 1: And how did that How did they respond to that?
Speaker 1: It wasn't directly to the person. It was trying to
Speaker 1: make other people understand why that person couldn't be in
Speaker 1: your space. And that's always interesting when it's a circle
Speaker 1: of people and everyone else is like, why can't this
Speaker 1: person be involved? So that is a boundary to to
Speaker 1: let people know, hey, I understand this is your person.
Speaker 1: They are not my person right now. That challenges that
Speaker 1: person because now they're thinking, well, is this something wrong
Speaker 1: with the type of people are like no, no, no, absolutely,
Speaker 1: but I have a preference of something different and that's okay.
Speaker 1: I love that you reframe that just a preference, a preference. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So that just says there are key boundaries. First, it
Speaker 1: is emotional boundaries. Can you explain? Emotional boundaries are your feelings?
Speaker 1: And I think so often when people feel something, we
Speaker 1: tell them how to feel. It's an attempt to support,
Speaker 1: to say well it will be okay, or you shouldn't
Speaker 1: feel this way. So it's telling people how to feel
Speaker 1: when they should be over something, what they should do
Speaker 1: with the feeling. Those are the violations. Okay, so let's
Speaker 1: just talk about this for a second. I feel like
Speaker 1: I've been somewhe okay, So all right, yeah, I'm tame.
Speaker 1: They're gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay. You
Speaker 1: a week, I gotta do this. Then the third we're
Speaker 1: gonna figure it out how do you know. I'm like, look, girl,
Speaker 1: you gotta do this and one week you will be better.
Speaker 1: So to demonstrate how our emotional boundaries can be violated,
Speaker 1: we set up this scenario. Let's take a watch justin
Speaker 1: I'm really tired, sorry from what baby? Well, I just
Speaker 1: get an email from Molly's teacher and it turns out
Speaker 1: she's not doing well in math. Let's figure out how
Speaker 1: to get Billy to the dentist tomorrow because the babysitter
Speaker 1: is sick and I just had to deal fall through
Speaker 1: at work. So it's just it's been a day, all right.
Speaker 1: Are you crying? No, I'm not. It's just it's a lot. Hey,
Speaker 1: if you are not crying right now, listen, listen. I
Speaker 1: just think that you overthink everything. You can't deal with
Speaker 1: it right now anyway. Why are you getting mad? I'm
Speaker 1: just letting you know how I'm feeling. Yeah, but you
Speaker 1: shouldn't be sad. I mean, there's nothing to be sad about.
Speaker 1: When I try to talk about my feelings, it just
Speaker 1: seems to make things worse. So I'm just going to
Speaker 1: keep my feelings to myself. I just had a situation
Speaker 1: like that where someone was explaining a scenario to me,
Speaker 1: and they were describing that the person got very tearful,
Speaker 1: and I was like, what's she crying for? We all
Speaker 1: cry for different reasons. Yeah, But I mean I'm just thinking,
Speaker 1: like how I didn't think about it that way. I
Speaker 1: have this thing where I don't have a lot of
Speaker 1: patience for what I consider I guess I'm considering that
Speaker 1: a weakness. Yeah, yet overs it's not. It's not that
Speaker 1: heavy like that brought you to tears. But I wonder
Speaker 1: sometimes about the situations that might bring us to tears
Speaker 1: when other people would be okay, right, because there are
Speaker 1: things that you might get upset and be ready to
Speaker 1: cry about and then here's someone else signed to you
Speaker 1: that's not a big deal. But we determine what the
Speaker 1: big deal is. And I think sometimes too. When I
Speaker 1: was looking at that, I was like, dang, I see
Speaker 1: myself in there, you know, because I always say it's
Speaker 1: gonna be okay, you know, because I always want people
Speaker 1: to feel better, you know what I'm saying. But it's
Speaker 1: hard to see people sad. Yeah, it's so hard. So
Speaker 1: much of my job is watching people feel right, and
Speaker 1: so I don't even give people tissue, like I'm the
Speaker 1: tissue is there. When you're ready for it, you grab it.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to stop your process, just feel it,
Speaker 1: because this is good. It's coming out. I will sit
Speaker 1: here and it's stare at you until you're ready to talk,
Speaker 1: because this is what needs to happen. You're saying that
Speaker 1: what we should do is really be able to listen
Speaker 1: to people feel just whole space to just sit there
Speaker 1: if they are feeling overwhelmed stress is not our job
Speaker 1: to say what they should be stressed about. You can
Speaker 1: help them problem solved, but you certainly aren't making them
Speaker 1: feel less overwhelmed by telling them this is not overwhelming.
Speaker 1: You are making them feel less supported. And I gotta
Speaker 1: stop trying to fix every damn thing. That's not my job.
Speaker 1: Let me as a friend, though, You just help space
Speaker 1: for me a couple of times crying like that help.
Speaker 1: You're like I'm here, like, no, I need help fix it.
Speaker 1: You help space for me before if they don't be
Speaker 1: too hard. Yeah, it sounds like you recognize your limitations,
Speaker 1: like this is a thing that I can't fix for you,
Speaker 1: and my only job here is to let you cry
Speaker 1: because I can't for sure what is that I knew
Speaker 1: I could not fix was there? I know? Yeah for sure.
Speaker 1: So let's see that same situation again, but now with
Speaker 1: a boundary in place. Okay, why are you crying? You
Speaker 1: overthink everything? Are you getting mad? I'm just telling you
Speaker 1: how I'm feeling. Oh, you stop being so sensitive. I'm not.
Speaker 1: I am just trying to talk with you. But you're
Speaker 1: being dismissive of my feelings and that doesn't work for me.
Speaker 1: It is not okay for you to tell me how
Speaker 1: I feel. You're right, I'm sorry, babe. I didn't realize
Speaker 1: how I was making you feel. Come here, m Yeah.
Speaker 1: See what happens when we tell people what we need.
Speaker 1: He probably had no clue, right, and so to have
Speaker 1: someone say this is not working for me. I'm just
Speaker 1: trying to talk. That is eye opening and it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: and I actually want to support you, and it sounds
Speaker 1: like you have a way of me doing that for you.
Speaker 1: I gotta give the little props because you'll call me
Speaker 1: disrupted and be like, I don't need you to fix anything, mom,
Speaker 1: I just want you to listen. I go fantastic, I
Speaker 1: got you because she knows I'm gonna go straight to Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: we could do this and do that, and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do that. No, just listen to me, Mommy, I just
Speaker 1: need you to listen. So, yeah, it's good, it is.
Speaker 1: I've been able to do that with my husband too,
Speaker 1: because I think men typically are fixers. They want to
Speaker 1: tell you how to fix something, and sometimes I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to fix it. I just need
Speaker 1: you to listen to what I'm saying. Yeah, with adult children,
Speaker 1: what I've noticed is that shift in en rolls. Right
Speaker 1: with small children, you are fixing something, but as it's
Speaker 1: become adults, now it's do you want a suggestion or
Speaker 1: you just want me to listen. That's good. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: start using that word. So next key boundary area is
Speaker 1: called material. It's your possessions, it's your money, it is
Speaker 1: your stuff. Maddie, there you are, check me out. That's
Speaker 1: my dress. What are you doing? You have all the
Speaker 1: best clothes? Like, where did you get this? Maddie's been
Speaker 1: telling me for years that I can borrow all of
Speaker 1: her stuff. But what you didn't even ask? What are
Speaker 1: you doing? I'm going to the museum at gala party
Speaker 1: tomorrow night. How did you get invited to that? Oh?
Speaker 1: I saw the invitation on your nightstand, and I called
Speaker 1: and I got myself in. I love her, but she
Speaker 1: borrows all my stuff without even asking. I can't believe
Speaker 1: she took the invitation. Should off my dresser, Come on,
Speaker 1: let's go chare and more dress This from your closet.
Speaker 1: That face is a sign that she needs some boundaries, right.
Speaker 1: Have you experienced anything like this? I mean I have.
Speaker 1: I mean I always asked shot up. It's really hard
Speaker 1: for me because when you have so much to offer, this,
Speaker 1: so much to give. I'll just go into my storage
Speaker 1: and people have either taking stuff that I didn't ask,
Speaker 1: or they're putting stuff in the storage without asking if
Speaker 1: they can use storage space. But those are the kind
Speaker 1: of things I just kind of less slide or just
Speaker 1: decided to borrow that bowl that was in the kitchen
Speaker 1: just for this little event I'm having. And then I
Speaker 1: feel guilty because I shouldn't make a difference what it does, right,
Speaker 1: I feel like it shouldn't make a difference. And then
Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, as trying to get to
Speaker 1: that spiritual enlightenment that material things don't matter, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. But at the same time, it's the audacity.
Speaker 1: It's just it could be the boundary and it's not
Speaker 1: the material thing, you know, because you feel like people
Speaker 1: don't respect the relationship. I'm trying to learn because I'm
Speaker 1: like her, I'm always like, my house is your house?
Speaker 1: That really felt like when you're in like good relationships
Speaker 1: with people and just whatever, take it all. It's not
Speaker 1: about the bowl itself. It is about respect and the
Speaker 1: way that we can honor this relationship is by asking.
Speaker 1: And typically I will say yes. Yeah, I always say yes,
Speaker 1: and I will always want to be asked. That's real,
Speaker 1: that's real. I want to be I'm learning that, but
Speaker 1: it's hard because where I've come from. I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: most of the people that I have around me, we
Speaker 1: come from the same place. You want to just offer everything,
Speaker 1: offer with boundaries. I'm learning how to do that. Well,
Speaker 1: let's see the same situation with the boundary and place. Well,
Speaker 1: that's my dress. What are you doing? I'm going to
Speaker 1: the Museum Galli party tomorrow, Knights. I didn't know that
Speaker 1: you got invited to that. Oh yeah, I saw the
Speaker 1: invitation on your nightstand and I called and I got
Speaker 1: myself in. Listen, Rachel, I really don't appreciate you taking
Speaker 1: things off of my dresser. You didn't even ask. I
Speaker 1: also don't think I can let you borrow any more
Speaker 1: of my clothes. Okay, I still look goodness dress though,
Speaker 1: right I'll go take it off, thank you and scene
Speaker 1: and right there you go, just realizing in those boundaries
Speaker 1: that you said, you really start to see who's a
Speaker 1: real friend and not because a real friend if you
Speaker 1: were you said, you know, a Lauren, that makes me
Speaker 1: a little uncomfortable when you do that, or can you
Speaker 1: not ask me that anymore? I would feel so bad
Speaker 1: because I put you in that position. I as a
Speaker 1: friend would be like, I'm really sorry. I had no
Speaker 1: idea would never happen again. And you know, I think
Speaker 1: people have to understand that they're not entitled really entitlment.
Speaker 1: You know, you know people that are close to you.
Speaker 1: I've done the same where you feel entitled two people,
Speaker 1: they're things I've had to check myself on both sides
Speaker 1: of that coin, or even entitled to knowing certain things
Speaker 1: about them. Yeah, I see that as a really big one,
Speaker 1: particularly like on social media. Well why didn't not know
Speaker 1: or how did they keep that a secrets? Because the
Speaker 1: relationship is not one where they were ready to disclose. Right,
Speaker 1: that's real talk right there. With boundaries, there are times
Speaker 1: where we feel guilty. That's my whole child guilt was
Speaker 1: a full guilt trip. My whole jobhood was yeah, right
Speaker 1: into some nation. Unfortunately, I was a a lot of
Speaker 1: guilt on you. It's a powerful tactic. And yeah, and
Speaker 1: we have to unlearn it. We have to unlearned the guilt.
Speaker 1: It's okay to to say it's um. I don't even
Speaker 1: think it was intentional. I think it was just like
Speaker 1: the way of the world we came from. You don't
Speaker 1: have once your child, don't ask me questions, sit down,
Speaker 1: or like, oh I don't like going to some and
Speaker 1: Sell's house, were we going anywhere? We're going anyway? Or
Speaker 1: they ain't do nothing to you? You know, why are
Speaker 1: you acting like that around summer? So they're nice, which
Speaker 1: is why I used to have really aggressive boundaries because
Speaker 1: my boundaries weren't um respected. As a child. I got
Speaker 1: really aggressive with my boundary. So it's like, oh, you
Speaker 1: don't hear what I'm saying. I'm gonna fight you. I'm
Speaker 1: a sock you you're gonna respect the violence. I think
Speaker 1: we're both unraveling that aspect of using violence as a
Speaker 1: survival mechanism because that was the only thing that those
Speaker 1: environments would respect. Yeah, all right, Well the next boundary
Speaker 1: area is physical. Here's an example of someone crossing that line. Hey, baby,
Speaker 1: Susan's almost here. Thank you for being social today for me.
Speaker 1: You got a baby? There we go. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: this is so exciting. Where here a hug? I'm going
Speaker 1: to hug. I am mortified. I told her yesterday that
Speaker 1: he doesn't like to hug. What am I supposed to do?
Speaker 1: Tell her to take her hands with my boyfriend? So greg, um,
Speaker 1: let me go get you guys some drinks. Have to
Speaker 1: seat me yourself at home. I'll be right back. That's
Speaker 1: a good couch. So Michelle told me that you are
Speaker 1: a semi pro soccer player football. Actually you're so fit.
Speaker 1: Susan is one of Michelle's best friends. But she's a
Speaker 1: little touchy touchy, and I'm not Oh this is a
Speaker 1: good one. Yeah, this one. How do you think he
Speaker 1: should have handled that, Lauren? You know me personally, I
Speaker 1: would have been very discreet and taking her hands and
Speaker 1: gave him a little squeezed like thank you and put
Speaker 1: them back in her respectful space and body. That's how
Speaker 1: I would have handled it up in the air, if
Speaker 1: that would have been the right way or not, because
Speaker 1: I have been in positions like that before, which just
Speaker 1: people you know, coming and put their arm around you,
Speaker 1: and you're like, are taking pictures with you and having
Speaker 1: their arms on your waist or hugging, you know, just
Speaker 1: stuff like that, And I've always been like, I mean,
Speaker 1: since my body, I don't like, you know, being touched
Speaker 1: by strangers or people I work with. But I don't
Speaker 1: know if that's the correct Wait, I'm sure I should
Speaker 1: say something that's a good way to physically interject, and
Speaker 1: I think he tried that by moving a little bit,
Speaker 1: and sometimes that works. I think in this scenario, what
Speaker 1: stood out for me the most was her friend was
Speaker 1: informed that he did not like to be hugged and
Speaker 1: he didn't like physical touch. When we like something, we
Speaker 1: think everybody else should like it, and it's anything. You
Speaker 1: go to your favorite restaurant, You're like girl to pasta.
Speaker 1: You gotta try to pasta. You know you should go?
Speaker 1: Can we go Tuesday? You just want people to be
Speaker 1: like you, to feel like you. You are introvert, You
Speaker 1: should be more extroverted. You know, we like to get
Speaker 1: people on our page. I think that was her attempt, like, well,
Speaker 1: he doesn't like physical touch, but he hasn't met me,
Speaker 1: and it's like he doesn't like anyone's physical touch. And
Speaker 1: we have to be very clear that it's not you.
Speaker 1: It's his preference. His preference is please do not give
Speaker 1: me a hug. It's not because he doesn't like you,
Speaker 1: your perfume or anything like that, but this is the preference.
Speaker 1: It's not you, it's me, because it is me. It's
Speaker 1: my preference. It's not you, it's me. So let's see
Speaker 1: that same situation again with a boundary in place. Okay, Todd,
Speaker 1: it is so nice to finally meet you. Hold see,
Speaker 1: I'm not a hugger, but we could say go on it.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna go get us some drinks and you
Speaker 1: make yourself home perfect. Looks great, Thank you. So Michelle
Speaker 1: told me, what's your mind? School over just a little bit.
Speaker 1: I like my personal space. I got it. It was
Speaker 1: hard to tell Susan to move over at first, but
Speaker 1: I did and she sen and she moved over and
Speaker 1: everything was fine. Yeah, so he handled it as he should.
Speaker 1: For sure, she did his boundary's boundary, but then I
Speaker 1: would have a talk with her anyway. She was too
Speaker 1: close anyway, but that to be her friend's boyfriend. He
Speaker 1: kept it cool, yeah, because he made like a joke
Speaker 1: and was like, hey, we're good, exact distance cool. I
Speaker 1: love how At the end he said it was hard,
Speaker 1: but I did it anyway, and she listened. Our assumption
Speaker 1: is often that the person will not listen, that they
Speaker 1: will hear the boundary, they will have this overreaction everything,
Speaker 1: but they will be offended. Yeah. Most of the time
Speaker 1: people listen, and most of the time people say okay,
Speaker 1: sick a little bit back. Okay. That is typically how
Speaker 1: a person will respond. So next up is sexual boundaries.
Speaker 1: Let's see that. How are the kids. How's work going?
Speaker 1: Did you know something different with your hair? You look great?
Speaker 1: You've been uh working out? Yeah a little? Um, so
Speaker 1: what's new with you? God? My brother is such a
Speaker 1: lucky guy. I don't really like going to family parties
Speaker 1: because of my brother in law, Richard. He thinks he's
Speaker 1: being funny, but his comments kind of makes me feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, it's Richard, Okay, Richard, And
Speaker 1: it's such a flirt. I really can't help it when
Speaker 1: I get around you, Richard. I want to go to
Speaker 1: the bar and sir, another drink. Sir, you know, I
Speaker 1: see Aunt Betty all by yourself, so I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: check on her. Okay, but have a drink for me.
Speaker 1: See you around Richard, m hm say I would tell
Speaker 1: my husband, is it? Yeah? Yeah, I think that's certainly
Speaker 1: a situation that needs to be addressed because it will
Speaker 1: keep occurring, and it needs to be a group effort
Speaker 1: because this is a family situation. There will be tons
Speaker 1: of family events, and this level of inappropriateness is it's
Speaker 1: hurtful and it is disgusting. Let's see how she uses
Speaker 1: boundaries with her brother in law in an alternate take. God,
Speaker 1: my brother is such a lucky guy. Okay, Richard, I
Speaker 1: know you're my brother in law, but your comments about
Speaker 1: my appearance makes me feel really uncomfortable. And I'm not
Speaker 1: interested in having this conversation. And I'm just joking around.
Speaker 1: I know, but it's not funny, and I'm done talking
Speaker 1: to you. Good night, Richard, and good night. I remember
Speaker 1: the first time someone told an inappropriate joke and I said, oh,
Speaker 1: that's not funny. They were so shocked. It was like
Speaker 1: no one had ever said to them that's not appropriate,
Speaker 1: it's not funny. I have a wonderful sense of humor.
Speaker 1: I like oh types of comedy, but what you said
Speaker 1: that wasn't a joke and it wasn't funny. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: think we've all come across those people. I just get
Speaker 1: quiet around them, like, don't even think of coming over here,
Speaker 1: coming over here with that? Right? So next, we have
Speaker 1: intellectual actual boundaries. Intellectual boundaries are your thoughts and ideas.
Speaker 1: It's not okay for them to be domained, for people
Speaker 1: to try to change your mind or tell you that
Speaker 1: it's not okay to think a certain way, particularly when
Speaker 1: that way is not harming anyone else. Okay, I need
Speaker 1: to see what that looks like. And miss you. I
Speaker 1: miss you too, Lockdown, how are the kids? Hell? I
Speaker 1: wanted to talk to you about all the Thanksgiving plans
Speaker 1: that we have this year. I think Mom is really
Speaker 1: going to be impressed. Wow, Marcia, are we really doing
Speaker 1: things giving? I just didn't think we were going to
Speaker 1: do it this year with everything going on? Is it safe?
Speaker 1: Not only are we going to get together, We're gonna
Speaker 1: do it big? Yeah, I don't really think that's a
Speaker 1: good idea. It should be small. This year, I planned
Speaker 1: this whole Thanksgiving meal, and I thought my sister would
Speaker 1: have been excited about it. She's making it all about her. Well,
Speaker 1: I already invited the Johnson the Derekson's and mom and dad,
Speaker 1: and that's like twenty three people. And you know how
Speaker 1: I feel about social distancing, and I'm being very careful.
Speaker 1: You're gonna be an a diva and you're ruining our
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving tradition. Talking to my sister, it's like talking to
Speaker 1: a brick wall. I already feel so resentful of her,
Speaker 1: but I don't know how to tell her that I
Speaker 1: heat that she makes me feel bad, but I'm worried
Speaker 1: about these people coming over. She's dismissive and she's makes
Speaker 1: me feel like a villain. Hm hm. The intellectual pieces
Speaker 1: that they had different perspectives about how to operate in
Speaker 1: the pandemic, and we have to allow people to pandemic
Speaker 1: however they pandemic. That's right, what may not work for you.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of boundaries. Being a cross with it
Speaker 1: really is. A friend of mine called me a couple
Speaker 1: of weeks ago, her and her sister stopped talking because
Speaker 1: she set a boundary with her house. We all have
Speaker 1: different comfort levels. Yes, this is really that time and
Speaker 1: the holidays are coming up. Okay, well let's see how
Speaker 1: these sisters work it out. You're being such a diva.
Speaker 1: Well you can disagree without calling me names. Don't you
Speaker 1: realize you're ruining Thanksgiving? You know I'm not going to
Speaker 1: talk to you if you keep raising your voice and
Speaker 1: dismissing me. So what are we gonna do? Just stay home? Yes,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to seriously urge mom and dad to
Speaker 1: do the same. Are you serious? I'm serious? You know
Speaker 1: I'm serious. If I'm not crystal clear with my sister,
Speaker 1: she'll take over everyone's life. Just because she's older, she
Speaker 1: thinks she's right all the time. My opinion matters just
Speaker 1: as much as hers. It sounds like because I was
Speaker 1: a baby, or my opinion about things didn't matter because
Speaker 1: you were the baby. Well you are the baby, and
Speaker 1: I think it's so important that we just respect where
Speaker 1: people are sitting here. And unfortunately, the more you let
Speaker 1: boundaries go and don't communicate it, now you have to
Speaker 1: unravel a habitual lack of boundary, which a lot of
Speaker 1: us tend to have to do, especially important relationships because
Speaker 1: we've let him go for so long. So m and
Speaker 1: people are so used to just operating in a certain way.
Speaker 1: You can change your mind at any time. You can
Speaker 1: have a new boundary that you didn't have yesterday. Watching
Speaker 1: this show, people will look and say, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: this is what I need to change, And the change
Speaker 1: can happen today. It doesn't have to be why I've
Speaker 1: been doing it for ten years now, I have to
Speaker 1: keep doing it. You can. We grow and evolved, and
Speaker 1: so it makes sense to shift whenever you need to. Oh, man,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Was awesome conversation. Yeah, this is
Speaker 1: a real blessing. I really hope that this helps people
Speaker 1: big time, because every last one of us have problems
Speaker 1: with setting up boundaries. You know what I mean. And
Speaker 1: get the book. You will be blessed from reading that book.
Speaker 1: Yeah that was good. You see good, guest her, you
Speaker 1: did an amazing didn't just say that because I'm here.
Speaker 1: That's real nice. I'm creating a boundary you did. Really,
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you? I did. I know. I'm around
Speaker 1: y'all so much. This Mike is hot. But to join
Speaker 1: the Red Table talk family and become a part of
Speaker 1: the conversation. Follow us at Facebook dot com slash red
Speaker 1: table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red
Speaker 1: Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook, Watch, Westbrook Audio, and
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio.