Speaker 1: The intersection between fashion and sexuality cannot be convoluted.
Speaker 2: Dead ass. I just want to know if legans are
Speaker 2: ever going to go out of style, because I'm not
Speaker 2: trying to give them up ever. In life.
Speaker 1: You don't ever have to. They will never go out
Speaker 1: of style for you. You get all the zebra and cheat
Speaker 1: the leggings you want, baby, dead ass.
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 2: With our boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 2: form of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics, things most
Speaker 1: folks don't want to talk about through the lens of
Speaker 1: a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that
Speaker 1: we say every day. So when we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We about to take Billows
Speaker 1: off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: Story time. Okay, I'm gonna take y'all back to nineteen
Speaker 1: oh wow, Oh no, right, oh wow, don't say it
Speaker 1: like that. Nineteen ninety eight. It was my eighth grade year,
Speaker 1: was getting ready to be freshman in high school. I
Speaker 1: was fifteen, okay, all of my friends had their ears
Speaker 1: pierced already, so I was like, yo, I want to
Speaker 1: get my earpiss when I turned fourteen. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. It's like pops man. You know everybody got
Speaker 1: the earpiss. Can I get my ear piss? He said
Speaker 1: absolutely not. I was just like, why can't get my
Speaker 1: air piers? You know you told me you're not a girl.
Speaker 1: Girls get their ears pierced m hm. And I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: but my friends get their eggs piars. He was like,
Speaker 1: do I like your little friends? Do? I? Like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to hear anything about your little friends, not scoop.
Speaker 2: I thought it was a mom saying I ain't no
Speaker 2: school pitches.
Speaker 1: School because school was not having it. And he was
Speaker 1: just like, yo, yo, so stay with your friends then
Speaker 1: if you want to. I was like, no, no, no
Speaker 1: for school. Yeah, your friends pay your bills. And I
Speaker 1: was just like, but what's the big deal? And he
Speaker 1: was like, do I got earrings? Your mother got earrings.
Speaker 1: And I remember saying to him, I say, yeah, but
Speaker 1: you used to wear them little short ass shorts, them
Speaker 1: little hot pants, and Mammy used to wear those two.
Speaker 2: First of all, when did your father ever hit fit
Speaker 2: hot pants?
Speaker 1: I got pictures. I got pictures of them on the beach,
Speaker 1: picture them on him and my mother and my mother.
Speaker 1: My father got on these red them shorts. Couldn't been
Speaker 1: no longer than.
Speaker 2: This, okay, but he had been way younger, because not
Speaker 2: not recently.
Speaker 1: I mean, why would mom want my father have on
Speaker 1: hot pants in twenty twenty? Said, I don't know history recently.
Speaker 1: That's what gave me the image. So I had to
Speaker 1: be clear. The pants would have to be extra hot.
Speaker 1: They would have to be like furnace pants.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, super fire pants was his reply.
Speaker 1: No. So his reply was what I used to do
Speaker 1: back in the day don't matter now? And I was
Speaker 1: just like, how does it not matter now? He says,
Speaker 1: you're my son, and you're gonna dress like a man.
Speaker 2: Pretty much, do as I say, not as I did.
Speaker 1: Facts, And it led me to think about something we're
Speaker 1: gonna talk about today.
Speaker 2: And if I probably went ahead and pierced his ears
Speaker 2: anyway both.
Speaker 1: And got in trouble. So on brand for you karaoke time.
Speaker 1: I'm dedicating this karaoke to my father's my father's generation.
Speaker 2: Yes, when you came up with this song, I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: this is perfect. This is on one of my players.
Speaker 2: This is my oldiest playlists. Yeah, I will this song
Speaker 2: gets gainst that work when I be in a car
Speaker 2: by myself. Yeah, yeah, we should add it to our
Speaker 2: date night playlist.
Speaker 1: We can. I'll fuck with it because this song is
Speaker 1: from one of my for TV shows. And when I
Speaker 1: start this first part, you'all gonna know mm hmm. You know.
Speaker 1: I think back to when we met, the way I
Speaker 1: used to be, in the cold way I used to act.
Speaker 1: But more than that, I think about how you changed
Speaker 1: me with all your love and sensitivity. And you remember
Speaker 1: when I used to love leave that you used to
Speaker 1: what what? That's what I used to do and you
Speaker 1: also do what now? Use and abuse? But then, baby,
Speaker 1: what'd you do? I don't know what I did? What's
Speaker 1: the rest of the words be fol passion period. Shout
Speaker 1: out to my man Rick James. Shout out to James and.
Speaker 2: Tina Mann' forget your guarantee the Marino.
Speaker 1: I'm going to come back to that song. Mm hmmm
Speaker 1: when we pay these bills, and we'll come back to
Speaker 1: why I talked. Yes, I picked this song because I
Speaker 1: almost got into big trouble. Oh man, I had said
Speaker 1: to my father what I'm about to say to y'all.
Speaker 1: What I said, y'all gonna be like was a lunatic.
Speaker 2: Oh no, your parents didn't pulverize you every day of life.
Speaker 1: It was rough. I can eighteen years I was in
Speaker 1: the house the minute I was going.
Speaker 2: They neither for the fact that they come to our house,
Speaker 2: and that was crazy to me.
Speaker 1: They just want to inflict the same wounds. They want
Speaker 1: to make sure that my kids are doing to me
Speaker 1: what I did to them. That's really what it is.
Speaker 2: Yeah, probably that's they're accurate. All right, let's go pay
Speaker 2: some bills and we're going to get back with more
Speaker 2: on this topic today. Stick around.
Speaker 1: So mm hmm. Let's talk about this, man.
Speaker 2: Let's talk about it.
Speaker 1: So it's funny.
Speaker 2: Came out thinking of Rick James when we were thinking
Speaker 2: of a karaoke song, and I thought of Prince.
Speaker 1: Oh see you. I wasn't thinking about Rick James. It
Speaker 1: was trible and Matt who told me Rick James, I
Speaker 1: was thinking about I turna because just to go back
Speaker 1: to the story, this was during the nineties, and during
Speaker 1: the nineties fashion was different. We wore super big clothes.
Speaker 1: Everybody was sagging like it was a big deal. People.
Speaker 1: I had corn rolls. I was trying to grow corn rolls.
Speaker 1: And then my mother was like, you can't braide your
Speaker 1: head to go to church. It was like a big
Speaker 1: thing with fashion, right, So there were two reasons why
Speaker 1: my dad never wanted me to dress like everyone else, right.
Speaker 1: He said, Number one, I never want you to perpetuate
Speaker 1: a drug gang or prison culture. Yeah. I was like,
Speaker 1: what you mean. He was like, well, first of all,
Speaker 1: when it comes to gang in prison culture, right, they
Speaker 1: sagged their clothing gangs like, they sagged their clothing gangs,
Speaker 1: and they sagged, and they wear big clothes to let
Speaker 1: people see their butt, to let other men know in
Speaker 1: prison that they were into that. I was like, at
Speaker 1: the time I was thirteen, I had no idea what
Speaker 1: that was about prison culture and gang culture was. So
Speaker 1: he was like, that's why I don't want you to
Speaker 1: wear that. When it comes to being having braids, it's
Speaker 1: the same thing. Right, they wear brains in prison, and
Speaker 1: I don't want them looking at you like you're a
Speaker 1: gang member, or you have braids, or you have your
Speaker 1: ear rings and they I don't want them to think
Speaker 1: that you are like everybody else. That was my my
Speaker 1: dad is my dad's biggest thing. My dad's biggest thing
Speaker 1: was like, I don't want my sons to walk around
Speaker 1: and to be I don't want anyone to wear stereotype
Speaker 1: of who they are, because I know how hard it
Speaker 1: is for young blacklyn nineties.
Speaker 2: The worst thing you could have said to your father
Speaker 2: was everybody ears. So then that's completely Oh, I wish
Speaker 2: one of our boys walking with what everybody else is doing.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. But when I the minute
Speaker 1: I said it, but everybody, I didn't even want to
Speaker 1: finish it because I saw my father's face. And then
Speaker 1: my mother was not even entertaining it at all. Right,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you can't tell me everybody doing it, like
Speaker 1: I'm gonna feel guilty. But then when I actually listened
Speaker 1: to my parents, I was understanding where they were saying
Speaker 1: about culture. Right. The thing that bothers me though, was
Speaker 1: my father was just like y'all, you don't think you soft?
Speaker 1: You walking around with your butt hanging out? You got
Speaker 1: arrings on, and I said, bro me, So I said,
Speaker 1: did you not. Let's let's look at your pictures.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: My aunt Debbie used to keep a bunch of pictures.
Speaker 1: I had a picture in mind, particularly because my uncle
Speaker 1: Lee had a Jerry curl.
Speaker 2: So let me guess you went all the way over
Speaker 2: to Andavie's house to get the picture.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I went there and I got the picture and
Speaker 1: I brought it back home. And my father had on
Speaker 1: short hot pants. In the nineties, if you wore short
Speaker 1: hot pants, you were considered gay. I was wearing bo
Speaker 1: to right as on the beach, I'm talking about hi, yes, hi,
Speaker 1: And then this is my father says. Back then it
Speaker 1: was different. It was all about the print. Well, about
Speaker 1: the print. You have to show your print, yes, And
Speaker 1: I was just like, wait a minute, so you can
Speaker 1: tell me that if I'm sagging my pants and I'm
Speaker 1: trying to do this, it's it's giving the wrong message.
Speaker 1: But y'all could walk around with eyeliner on Jerry curls,
Speaker 1: your chest stout right, because my uncle Lee had on
Speaker 1: a fish neck tank top he played the the Bongoals.
Speaker 1: He had a fish neck tank top with short puma
Speaker 1: in real life or no, no, no, this was in
Speaker 1: real life because in the seventies that's what they dressed like.
Speaker 1: Because all of the men dressed like Rick James, Prince,
Speaker 1: Ike Turner and Michael Jackson. And I said, it's funny
Speaker 1: that you're gonna tell me I don't dress manly because
Speaker 1: I have braids and I have earrings. But look at
Speaker 1: how y'all dressed.
Speaker 2: That is true. The bottom, baby, You see what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: fitted with no but because my father got no but
Speaker 2: so with man fitted tight.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying, bottoms and platform shoes, plat heels.
Speaker 1: No no, no, no, it was heels. There's a picture
Speaker 1: of Rick James on if you look up the Fire
Speaker 1: and Desire picture. Rick James has on full fledged makeup,
Speaker 1: beads in the front of his bang, his hair comes down,
Speaker 1: his chest is out, he has on thigh high boots
Speaker 1: with a heel, and was fucking everybody. Bitch. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And the reason why I say that
Speaker 1: is because I want to I want to create I
Speaker 1: want to create that context for what I'm about to
Speaker 1: say next, because so many men are asking me, because
Speaker 1: I have four boys, Deval, would you let your sons
Speaker 1: wear nail polish?
Speaker 2: Nail polish or not trend?
Speaker 1: The trend is nail polished enough. I've seen the trend
Speaker 1: and my answer is always no. And people say, why
Speaker 1: you're homophobic? And I said, you know why, if I,
Speaker 1: as a parent, yeah, if I, as a parent don't
Speaker 1: want my children to wear something, why does it have
Speaker 1: to be labeled a phobia?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: And I said, to be honest, the first thing I
Speaker 1: thought of when I saw the black nail polish on
Speaker 1: these young men, because there are more basketball players, weren't
Speaker 1: I think, Kate Cunningham. Where is it? There's a young
Speaker 1: man on the was drafted first overall pick. I can't
Speaker 1: remember his name, and he he Caleb Williams. There you go,
Speaker 1: thank you man, Kayleb william paints his nails right. And
Speaker 1: I think Jayden Daniels paints his nails or Jaden is
Speaker 1: Matt Jaden Williams in the NBA. But Jalen Green, Jalen
Speaker 1: Green painting his nails right, And they were just like yo.
Speaker 1: But these athletes, they're doing it. And I said, Okay,
Speaker 1: hold on, these athletes are also getting tattoos. They also
Speaker 1: have several baby mothers. So your reasoning for me allowing
Speaker 1: my kids to do it, to say an athlete is
Speaker 1: doing it's never going to work for me. But when
Speaker 1: I first thought about black nail polished, I didn't even
Speaker 1: think homosexuality. You know what I thought, right, goth?
Speaker 2: Oh growing up, that was definitely face. So when I
Speaker 2: was in midwo high school, there was actually a group,
Speaker 2: like several groups that were into that particular attire, and
Speaker 2: it felt like Halloween every day of the year. But
Speaker 2: that's just how they dress, yes, and it was you
Speaker 2: dont think about it. And guys also had their their
Speaker 2: fingernails pointed painted as well.
Speaker 1: They called them the trench coat Mafiah because they were goth.
Speaker 1: They had the big black boots. So it's like everything
Speaker 1: you're seeing now, we've seen it already, right, it's just
Speaker 1: coming back in different arenas.
Speaker 2: When I saw the polish initially on like the athletes
Speaker 2: and stuff, I thought maybe it was something you know,
Speaker 2: when athletes are teams, like for example, breast cancer month,
Speaker 2: everyone wears pink socks, so I thought maybe they were
Speaker 2: doing this as like a thing in solidarity for something,
Speaker 2: or it was just another way to extend the uniform,
Speaker 2: so you know, you're wearing colors or something like that.
Speaker 2: So that wasn't even the first thing that came to
Speaker 2: mind either, when we were probably two of the most
Speaker 2: non homophotos people ever.
Speaker 1: But that's why having this conversation is important, because when
Speaker 1: people asked me about it and I said no, the
Speaker 1: first thing they said it was why are you homophobic?
Speaker 1: And I was like, how do we get there?
Speaker 2: How did we get there?
Speaker 1: That's not the first thing I thought of When I
Speaker 1: saw Caleb Williams nails. He had the picture I say,
Speaker 1: had on black nails, and I was like, nah, I'm.
Speaker 2: Because not all trends like that are related to a
Speaker 2: particular sexuality either.
Speaker 1: And that's what I wanted to talk about because I
Speaker 1: wanted to bring up what's his name? I wanted to
Speaker 1: bring up Prince and I wanted to bring up Ike
Speaker 1: Turner and Michael Jackson and like we just sang his
Speaker 1: song Rick Jane Ri Jaina. I wanted to bring it
Speaker 1: up because if those men existed today, everyone would be
Speaker 1: saying that Rick James was gay. I dare you leave
Speaker 1: your woman around Rick James, I dare you, Rick James,
Speaker 1: slapped the ship out of you and fuck your bitch
Speaker 1: at you know what I'm saying, because that in his time,
Speaker 1: being manly wasn't defined by wearing, and I want people
Speaker 1: to realize that that we are still in that same space. Literally,
Speaker 1: just because you've put different labels on what is now
Speaker 1: considered fashion doesn't mean.
Speaker 2: Everybody agrees to male or female because as we know,
Speaker 2: like that literally does not correlate to anything but just
Speaker 2: trends in general. I think it's important for us as
Speaker 2: parents to stay up on right, Yes, because trends are.
Speaker 1: Going to come and go.
Speaker 2: This nail polished era in a year or two maybe
Speaker 2: a thing of the past. But how important is it
Speaker 2: for us as parents to just keep on keep up
Speaker 2: to date with all the trends?
Speaker 1: You know? But what you just said is why I
Speaker 1: wouldn't let my sons do it. Because there was some
Speaker 1: trends that I wanted to participate in when I was
Speaker 1: a kid and my parents said no, I couldn't do them.
Speaker 1: And then now when I look back at the pictures
Speaker 1: of my friends in them trends, and I'd be like,
Speaker 1: I'm glad my parents didn't, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing that I wasn't a very
Speaker 2: trendy kid. I think that's also too because it took
Speaker 2: a while for me to come into my own. I
Speaker 2: went to a elementary school that went from nursery school
Speaker 2: to eighth grade, so I wore uniforms forever, it felt like,
Speaker 2: until I was into eighth grade, and then by high school,
Speaker 2: I finally was able to wear street clothes, and that's
Speaker 2: what we called it, you know, street clothes at the time,
Speaker 2: And then I was still trying to figure out how
Speaker 2: to dress, what to wear, what girls were wearing. So
Speaker 2: I really didn't really I probably would have been the
Speaker 2: person to drump on trends more because I would have
Speaker 2: been easily influenced by everybody around me. But I was
Speaker 2: never the easily influenced kids, so I just figure things
Speaker 2: out on my own. The biggest thing I think for
Speaker 2: me that I wanted to do as a kid that
Speaker 2: my parents were like absolutely not was a second hole
Speaker 2: in my ear, And to me, I thought that was
Speaker 2: so low impact, and my mom and dad were like
Speaker 2: so against it, like perising up yourself. I'm like Georgetol
Speaker 2: y'all pierced me without me, without no I was literally
Speaker 2: you know what happened. My father was babysitting me one day.
Speaker 2: I was not babysitting because he's my father, but I
Speaker 2: was with my father one day and my mom had
Speaker 2: gone to I think she was finishing up nursing school,
Speaker 2: and I was about three months old, and he just
Speaker 2: happened to take me to the mall for a walk.
Speaker 2: And as he was strolling around the mall, he passed
Speaker 2: the piercing booth and just looked over and decided to
Speaker 2: pierce my ears pissed, and I came home with pierced airs,
Speaker 2: and he thought it was the best thing that he
Speaker 2: had done. That she was going to be so surprised
Speaker 2: and happy, and of course she sobbed, much like when
Speaker 2: you cut Jackson's here for the first time that.
Speaker 1: I was not allowed to do anything with their kids
Speaker 1: because they gonna sob. But parents, Mom's coming here all
Speaker 1: the time, were doing all these I thought you would
Speaker 1: like it, and we're supposed to just be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I guess that's okay. That's how we say it. That's
Speaker 1: exactly how y'all said. Because I cut Jackson's here, and
Speaker 1: she sobbed. She then went and cut the coldest here
Speaker 1: without asking me and was like, I didn't think it
Speaker 1: would be that big a deal.
Speaker 2: I literally gave it. I thought it was a trim,
Speaker 2: and his hair shrunk back down and I was like,
Speaker 2: oh shit, it's a little shorter.
Speaker 1: It's a little shorter. This woman, this woman specifically told
Speaker 1: me never to cut any of her kids hair again
Speaker 1: without her permission, and then she went and did the
Speaker 1: same exact thing to me.
Speaker 2: Well, give the context around it. Cody was starting school
Speaker 2: and his hair was really long, but it was also
Speaker 2: breaking at the ends, so I had, you know, come
Speaker 2: to cut his ends, and his hair was damaged, so
Speaker 2: she had to get rid of the damage ends. And
Speaker 2: it was Yes, it did come out a.
Speaker 1: Little short cut Jackson's here too.
Speaker 2: Jackson's hair was not damaged the same way the same way.
Speaker 1: You don't care. I don't care the same way you
Speaker 1: don't care. I don't care.
Speaker 2: We're not gonna do this like the whole ultimatus thing
Speaker 2: and go back and forth.
Speaker 1: I don't care. That's fine.
Speaker 2: I don't either. Saying that to say, my father went
Speaker 2: and pierced my ears. So my mother was just like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, you pierced her ears. So I'm like,
Speaker 2: y'all pierced my ears as a baby. But because I'm
Speaker 2: asking to consent to a piercing for myself, they said no, yes,
Speaker 2: and I just didn't do it. But you paiced your
Speaker 2: ears anyway, didn't you.
Speaker 1: I got both of them, piers, I got you got
Speaker 1: both at one time. No, Well, they told me that
Speaker 1: I can get because I argued them down and I
Speaker 1: made pints. And this is this is why bait team captain, captain,
Speaker 1: this is why I was able to get one. I
Speaker 1: brought up to my dad. I said, you know what's
Speaker 1: funny to me. You talk about all the fashions that
Speaker 1: I can't wear it because you don't think that it's manly, right,
Speaker 1: But I just want to point out all the things
Speaker 1: that you did. And I took the pictures over and
Speaker 1: I said, so you wouldn't let me dress like this,
Speaker 1: but you dressed like it. And my father had to
Speaker 1: sit back and be like, you know what, he's right.
Speaker 1: And that's why I think it's important because my father
Speaker 1: wasn't a tyrant and neither was my mom, and they
Speaker 1: also weren't closed minded. And when I pointed out to
Speaker 1: them that the same things that they thought were feminine
Speaker 1: with my clothes sagging my pants or getting an earring
Speaker 1: or having braids. When I pointed out that there are
Speaker 1: a lot of things that could be considered feminine about
Speaker 1: your outfits when you were growing up in the seventies,
Speaker 1: my dad looked at me and was just like, you
Speaker 1: know what, that's fair. So at fourteen, because I could
Speaker 1: articulate myself, he told me, I get my ear pierced.
Speaker 1: I got one ear pierced, and I was cool. Then
Speaker 1: when I turned sixteen, I asked if I get the
Speaker 1: other one, and they said no, So I did it anyway.
Speaker 2: At that point, you already had the countdown time where
Speaker 2: you're like, I only got only two more years in
Speaker 2: this house, but you have to tough it out. Did
Speaker 2: they make you take it out?
Speaker 1: I had to take both of them out, and I
Speaker 1: couldn't wear ear rings around them anymore. So if you
Speaker 1: look at my pictures from sixteen to eighteen, you'll never
Speaker 1: see me with ear rings in front of my parents
Speaker 1: because you have to repair some. But no, you I
Speaker 1: used to do what kids did. I leave the house
Speaker 1: with no earrings on, and I have my earrings in
Speaker 1: my pocket, which my parents knew who who. I found
Speaker 1: out later on that they knew, they knew, but they still,
Speaker 1: you know, were allowing me to express myself. And that
Speaker 1: to me is because now I don't even wear my
Speaker 1: earrings that often. I only wear it when I go
Speaker 1: to do press and stuff. But I say that to
Speaker 1: say this, man, we have to stop in this generation
Speaker 1: labeling these kids because they're doing something that we don't understand.
Speaker 1: How about we as parents try to understand where they're
Speaker 1: coming from, understand what it is. Not that you have
Speaker 1: to agree with it, because I still will not let
Speaker 1: my sons paint their nails.
Speaker 2: But I think there is value, like you said, in
Speaker 2: giving your children the space and the latitude to express
Speaker 2: how they feel. And this is a good exercise in
Speaker 2: teaching your children how to advocate for themselves, how to
Speaker 2: gather their facts, how to be an individual, how to
Speaker 2: also tell me what tell not tell me what your
Speaker 2: little friends are doing or whateverone is doing, but tell
Speaker 2: me why this specifically will impact you. Why do you
Speaker 2: need to do this, Why is this trend important to you?
Speaker 2: You know, the one trend that the kids have going
Speaker 2: on now that I can't stand that Jackson is done.
Speaker 2: It seems like he's kind of falling into the hair.
Speaker 2: But the here, I don't mind it be I love
Speaker 2: Jackson's here. I think I have total curl envy. He
Speaker 2: has the most beautiful here all of our boys do.
Speaker 2: But it's the madding and the natural forming locks that
Speaker 2: tend to happen because he doesn't want to detangle it.
Speaker 1: And a lot of the young men who I.
Speaker 2: See, even on his basketball team or at school, I'm
Speaker 2: just like, y'all all got the same mattt here.
Speaker 1: Well here's the thing, though, right, you don't let him.
Speaker 1: Matt is here, you wash and condition is here, but
Speaker 1: here to do it. And this is what's unfair. Because
Speaker 1: you won't let him matt his hair like everyone else.
Speaker 1: No one's calling you homophobic. So it's also unfair if
Speaker 1: a parent doesn't want to let their child fall into
Speaker 1: every trend that we start to label parents because they
Speaker 1: won't let their child do everything. I will be the
Speaker 1: first to admit, my sons, you're not going to follow
Speaker 1: every trend because to me, trends don't have no longevity.
Speaker 1: If you say to me, Dad, I want to paint
Speaker 1: my nails black because Jalen Green is doing it. Get
Speaker 1: the fuck out my face, Jackson. Right, I'm not doing
Speaker 1: that that. I want to paint my nails black. Why
Speaker 1: I plan on painting them black? And then they will
Speaker 1: five kids on our team whose moms have breast cancer.
Speaker 1: We're gonna put all of those numbers on our nails,
Speaker 1: and when we score, we're gonna put the fours up
Speaker 1: to represent the moms. Jackson, go paint your nails, because
Speaker 1: now it has purpose. You see what I'm saying. Now
Speaker 1: there's a reason, Now there's a story. Now you can
Speaker 1: eloquently articulate to people why your nails are painted, and
Speaker 1: now it has meaning. Right, why do you have your
Speaker 1: nails painted, Jacks? Because every time I score a touchdown,
Speaker 1: I'm a represent for the four or five women on
Speaker 1: our team who had to fight breast cancer. And I
Speaker 1: want them to know that they seen. I'm supportive of that.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. And I think as people,
Speaker 1: we have to start doing a better chance of explaining
Speaker 1: to our children why we don't like trends, but then
Speaker 1: asking them, if there is a trend you want to follow,
Speaker 1: tell me why, and if you can explain to me
Speaker 1: why the same way I explain to my dad about
Speaker 1: the ear ring. I let them rock because my dad
Speaker 1: let me get an earring. And then, of course I
Speaker 1: took it too far two years later and I got
Speaker 1: to but then he disciplined me, say you since since
Speaker 1: you don't want to listen, now, you can't wear no
Speaker 1: more ear rings around me. And I respected him for it.
Speaker 1: After that, I was like, yo, my dad coming, I
Speaker 1: can't like i'd be anywhere, and I belave you. My
Speaker 1: dad comeing. I took my ear rings out, they check
Speaker 1: your earrings Out'd be like, that's my pops. Don't play, Like,
Speaker 1: don't play. And then he became a thing. My friends
Speaker 1: used to take their earrings out and they was just like,
Speaker 1: white earrings out your the vviotpops coming here. Don't fuck
Speaker 1: with it. And those are the friends. We're doing it, yes,
Speaker 1: candel I Lei Kava all of them. Like when I
Speaker 1: got my earrings and I got in trouble for getting
Speaker 1: in peers because they talked me into it. They were like, yo,
Speaker 1: you're sixteen, Like what he gonna do? So I did it?
Speaker 1: What he gonna do?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was that's a surefire away as a child
Speaker 2: if you're if your friend hit you with the what
Speaker 2: he gonna do or what she gonna do referring to
Speaker 2: he she is your mother and father.
Speaker 1: Baby. Yeah, yeah, it was like now that I reflected
Speaker 1: on it, like I could have not been here, y'all,
Speaker 1: Like my parents really don't play. That. They don't play.
Speaker 2: That they could have didn't play that that's mine never
Speaker 2: really let me tell you know, you see it to
Speaker 2: this day.
Speaker 1: Your mother don't play.
Speaker 2: She don't play not one game themselves. There was no
Speaker 2: trend that was worth my life hearing her mouse.
Speaker 1: But this is a difference between your mother and my mother.
Speaker 1: Your mother, well, no, your mother grew up in the
Speaker 1: country too. My brother grew up in the projects. If
Speaker 1: I would have came home and didn't respect my mom,
Speaker 1: my mother would have chopped both my ears off. She
Speaker 1: would have chopped them off. So you're like like earrings,
Speaker 1: like earrings. You can't give me your chop my ears off.
Speaker 1: And it made me walk around with them like this.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like that's what our parents,
Speaker 1: you should do.
Speaker 2: But I do.
Speaker 1: I do appreciate the dialogue people are having online about
Speaker 1: this topic, which is why I felt it was important
Speaker 1: for us to talk about it. Right, Why is it
Speaker 1: bothering so many people that young men want to get
Speaker 1: their nails painted?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: The only reason why it's bothering people is because those
Speaker 1: people who are bothered can't differentiate between fashion and sexuality,
Speaker 1: and those people want to convolute young people doing something
Speaker 1: fashionable with sexuality.
Speaker 2: And then label people who are in agreement with Yes,
Speaker 2: you know, I'm sorry against homo because the track record
Speaker 2: with nail polishes who typically where is it?
Speaker 1: Women? Women? But if we go back far enough, men
Speaker 1: wore nail polish first, and if we go back to
Speaker 1: the seventies, with those same group of men we talked about,
Speaker 1: they wore nail polish, especially guitar players and this. And
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, like, when the more research I've done
Speaker 1: on these things, this trend is gonna come up again.
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about the nail polish. Our sons are
Speaker 1: going to have sons, right, and there's gonna be something
Speaker 1: else there, and they're gonna be like, you can't do this,
Speaker 1: that's gay. And then they're gonna be like, but dad,
Speaker 1: you wore nail polish. And those kids are gonna be like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, but.
Speaker 2: Our boys won't even do that because they're so like,
Speaker 2: they're so well versed and accustomed to being accepting. I
Speaker 2: don't think they would do that today.
Speaker 1: No, they wouldn't the same way. I'm not doing it
Speaker 1: with my sons, but the man friends though, or people there.
Speaker 1: But I just say that to say, like this whole
Speaker 1: idea of the ever changing evolution of fashion and how
Speaker 1: certain things that used to fit certain society on societal
Speaker 1: norms back then, certain demographics and demographics. As the evolves,
Speaker 1: people like to keep it where they remember, which is
Speaker 1: not the case.
Speaker 2: Oh man, that's my dad to my dad, will look
Speaker 2: at Jackson and my brother. You don't want to do
Speaker 2: more of a man, you know? And I'm like, Dad,
Speaker 2: you had the ill come over back in the day
Speaker 2: the borderline had a bob okay that joint father short
Speaker 2: and dropped right below cut brought yep.
Speaker 1: He had the chest with the tack on me, the joint.
Speaker 2: With the bell bottoms in his thunderbird, with his platforms. Baby,
Speaker 2: my father. The way he walked like he had a
Speaker 2: song playing in his head, probably fire and desire.
Speaker 1: He still got the song playing in his head, sure,
Speaker 1: due I don't know.
Speaker 2: Seventies like a mug if you let him. That is
Speaker 2: a fact. Which of our four boys do you think
Speaker 2: would want to be the most like on trend or
Speaker 2: follow the most trends.
Speaker 1: I know which one the most on trend one or.
Speaker 2: Want to follow the trends.
Speaker 1: It would have to be between Jackson and Cairo.
Speaker 2: I think Cayro. He came to mind first so far.
Speaker 1: But only reason why I don't say Cairo was because
Speaker 1: when we weren't in leather, Jackson seat leather jacket season
Speaker 1: and Kyro wanted to wear that leather jacket for every
Speaker 1: day for two years straight. When we told him it
Speaker 1: wasn't the season for jackets, he looked at us like,
Speaker 1: I don't care. So I don't think he's gonna follow trends.
Speaker 1: Think about that.
Speaker 2: You're right, You're right, Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1: Jackson, I said more. No, I think Jackson's more because
Speaker 1: Jackson is more like yo, this is cool, like like
Speaker 1: Jackson cares about his appearance a lot like Cairo. But
Speaker 1: Jackson is more like, let me see what my favorite
Speaker 1: athlete is doing. You know what I'm saying. He got
Speaker 1: the blonde tips because of Odell Beckham. Even with that, people,
Speaker 1: are you gonna let your son get blonde tips and
Speaker 1: I was like, yes, and it was like that's soft.
Speaker 1: I was like, his favorite athlete that plays football does it.
Speaker 1: And he told me he wanted to do it to
Speaker 1: pay homage and do all this other stuff. And at
Speaker 1: the time he was eight, and I'm like, so, you're
Speaker 1: telling me that my son is gay because he got
Speaker 1: blonde tips at eight? Kissed my ass. I'm not having
Speaker 1: an argument with you, right, you know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: people really be trying to find things, and here's the
Speaker 1: truth from I got some friends growing up that they're
Speaker 1: growing up were like some of the most masculine people
Speaker 1: that I know, and now they're gay. I also have
Speaker 1: friends we found out later had gay parents or a
Speaker 1: gay parent who are now straight, which means that you
Speaker 1: can't dictate how someone turns out based on what they wear.
Speaker 2: And then one has nothing to do with the other.
Speaker 2: There's literally nothing. We have to stop shaming people for that.
Speaker 2: You know, it's funny. Cazz I was just laughing to
Speaker 2: myself at Kats don't give a fuck about nothing.
Speaker 1: He probably be the least trendy kid ever. Or if
Speaker 1: he did jump on the trend, he would do it
Speaker 1: and not give a fuck. Let me tell you what
Speaker 1: is going to do, because I know, I know, I
Speaker 1: know he's so much like going to wait till he's sixteen.
Speaker 1: He's gonna find out the wildest trend that looks the
Speaker 1: gayest right, and he's gonna do it just to fuck
Speaker 1: with me and say, I want to see if my
Speaker 1: dad is honest about this shitty be talking. I swear
Speaker 1: he's going to do it. He's going he's going to
Speaker 1: test me to see dad and just stay emotionally mature.
Speaker 1: Not because it's not because he wanted to just to
Speaker 1: troll me, just to troll me.
Speaker 2: The kid looked just like you act. He even has
Speaker 2: an allergy just like the vel. I've never y'all total side,
Speaker 2: but I've never had or seen a parent child duo
Speaker 2: who are identical like the Valance Caz look like him,
Speaker 2: act like him, walk like him, allergic.
Speaker 1: To the same ship, He's all the same stuff. It's
Speaker 1: like crazy. Let me ask you a question, how would
Speaker 1: I respond to cash trolling me? You would ignore it? Nope, Nope,
Speaker 1: you know how I would. I would do the same thing.
Speaker 1: I'd be like, Yo, that' shit tough, bro, Yo.
Speaker 2: If the if the trend was wearing false slashes like
Speaker 2: women do. That would be like, okay, you remember them
Speaker 2: times you put my la your lash, I'll put your
Speaker 2: lashes on. Come put these lashes on.
Speaker 1: And I'd be like if I what are we doing?
Speaker 1: Where did this come from? And I'm like, you see,
Speaker 1: cads got lashes? All right, he's sucking with me, all right,
Speaker 1: I gotta put these lashes on because he won't do
Speaker 1: it just because he sees I'm doing it, because if
Speaker 1: you didn't ignore him, then he probably go harder. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but the person for nothing. This is just an example
Speaker 1: of the fact that life is too short, guys. Life
Speaker 1: is too short for us to be arguing and debating
Speaker 1: over trivial stuff, especially with our kids. Yeah.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying a lot that our kids
Speaker 2: are going to have to continue.
Speaker 1: To go through and nail polish. It's just not one
Speaker 1: of them. So yeah, So to be people ask the
Speaker 1: question would you let your sons with now? It depends,
Speaker 1: It really really depends if they can if they can
Speaker 1: give me a reason as to why it makes sense,
Speaker 1: and I can rock with the reason ahead.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think our general is a lot more willing
Speaker 2: to you know, explore, tolerate, listen, to be open minded
Speaker 2: to a lot more than But don't tell me.
Speaker 1: It's because someone else is doing it. If you tell
Speaker 1: me that's the reason why, it's get out my face.
Speaker 2: That's a fact. When our nephew got his air pairs
Speaker 2: and we said to Jackson, I just knew, like once
Speaker 2: once he got his air pairs, know how close Jackson
Speaker 2: him are? I was like, oh, he's Jackson gonna want
Speaker 2: to get his airpairs now? And we asked them just
Speaker 2: flat out like hey, you know touching just guys ears passed,
Speaker 2: you know? Are you did you want to do yours?
Speaker 2: So would you want to do your and Jackson's right now?
Speaker 1: Now? Did you say that? I don't think Jackson would
Speaker 1: be the most trended in because he didn't follow. He
Speaker 1: didn't follow Aiden.
Speaker 2: The only reason the reason I said Cairo was because
Speaker 2: I think Cairo is the one, like, for example, game day,
Speaker 2: he want to have on his sleeves and trad and
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying, like that's how it's part
Speaker 2: of a swag, it's part of his persona when he's
Speaker 2: on the field. So I was wondering if he would
Speaker 2: be the one for me.
Speaker 1: I just, I just I don't want my kids to
Speaker 1: ever tell me they're doing something because someone else. I
Speaker 1: don't want my kids to be followers. And I started this.
Speaker 1: I started to change their mindset a couple of years back.
Speaker 1: I remember when Jackson, I think I told this story
Speaker 1: in the podcast too. Jackson was getting ready to go
Speaker 1: outside and play. We were in California, and I was like, yo,
Speaker 1: you brush your teeth and he's like, oh, I didn't
Speaker 1: brush my teeth. And I said, you see, you lost
Speaker 1: side and girl's gonna call you. And then I thought
Speaker 1: about it and I said, look at what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: I am creating an indoctrination to where he's going to
Speaker 1: do things because of how girls perceive him. Right, So
Speaker 1: I said, I never want to do that. So I
Speaker 1: cut myself on and I said, you know, if you
Speaker 1: don't brush your teeth, you can get ginger vite. It's
Speaker 1: your tea will fall out, it can cause a throat infection.
Speaker 1: Like I started telling them reasons as to why he shouldn't,
Speaker 1: and then he was just like, oh, okay, right. So
Speaker 1: I said, I'm going to do the same thing with
Speaker 1: everything else. Don't tell me that you're doing it because
Speaker 1: someone else, give me a reason why you want to
Speaker 1: do it, and if we can discuss it and talk
Speaker 1: about it, then bad, then I'll let you rock with it.
Speaker 1: But telling me because something no, that's not working.
Speaker 2: For me, that's so work it. So with the hair,
Speaker 2: the hair, you know, my pet peeve. With the hair
Speaker 2: thing that boys are doing now where the hair gets
Speaker 2: all maddened and it looks discombobulated and dry and whatever,
Speaker 2: that was an issue with us. So what I did
Speaker 2: instead of saying, you look like all these little boys
Speaker 2: that run around here with the hair out and taking
Speaker 2: care of blah blah blah. I had a conversation with
Speaker 2: him one Sunday and I was like, hey, you want
Speaker 2: me to help you entangle your hair? And he was like, so,
Speaker 2: I said, I can help you or I can give
Speaker 2: you this stuff when you can do it yourself. And
Speaker 2: he's like, I did it like a couple of days
Speaker 2: ago that Jackson. First of all, you lying because there's
Speaker 2: no way. I literally went like, went like this through
Speaker 2: the root of the hair and I I could barely
Speaker 2: even get to the root. So I said, listen, you
Speaker 2: have an option, right, you can cut all your hair off.
Speaker 1: You can have waves.
Speaker 2: I said, you can cut your hair off because you've
Speaker 2: done it before. You look fly with you know your
Speaker 2: little fade and waves and Daddy do just like that? Great,
Speaker 2: I said, Or you can keep your hair this length,
Speaker 2: which I think it's beautiful.
Speaker 1: I love your hair.
Speaker 2: And I said, all it takes is a little TLC
Speaker 2: if you really want to wear your hair like this.
Speaker 2: This is how hair care starts like. It starts with you, conditioning, washing.
Speaker 2: You know, he's not gonna wear a Bona as much
Speaker 2: as I've asked him to wear one.
Speaker 1: We've reached a happy meeting. You will not wear Bonni okay,
Speaker 1: so why can't they wear bondes. It's a trend now
Speaker 1: we'll be wearing it through the airport. It's not a
Speaker 1: trend I want to follow. Get my son a do
Speaker 1: rag well do.
Speaker 2: But the happy medium that we've reached now he now
Speaker 2: comes to me. Oh my Sunday, you said, once a week,
Speaker 2: can you help me detangle my hair? So he'll sit,
Speaker 2: we'll watch whatever Sunday game is on football, we'll do
Speaker 2: tangle the hair, I'll condition it deep and then he'll
Speaker 2: wash it out. And then I bought these satin scrunchies. Now,
Speaker 2: So what I do is, I'll just have him put
Speaker 2: his hair up into like a bun or like a ponytail,
Speaker 2: and I'll put the satin scrunchy in it so it
Speaker 2: doesn't get all matted while he sleeps Oh yeah, satin
Speaker 2: pillow case is satin sheet. And then he'll take his
Speaker 2: scrunchy out in the morning, you know, a little leaving
Speaker 2: conditioners sprayed out, and then he goes. But the point
Speaker 2: of the matter is that now I'm teaching how to
Speaker 2: take pride in himself.
Speaker 1: And he's here now. The macho man dad in me
Speaker 1: wants to be like, Nah, give him some regular cotton pillowcase,
Speaker 1: and I want that. I want that that pillowcase count
Speaker 1: to be low because he needs to be tough. You
Speaker 1: got my son sleeping on satin sheets.
Speaker 2: Pillow case.
Speaker 1: Expansive with the satin scrunchy that you put in the
Speaker 1: middle of his head. You know what I'm gonna do.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let it rock right right.
Speaker 2: I just made some headway with him.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna make it hot at all. But what
Speaker 1: I'm saying is this is showing maturity because the val
Speaker 1: A couple of years ago would have burned all of
Speaker 1: that ship because in my eyes, that's making him soft.
Speaker 1: And I'm not even talking about homosexuality. I'm just talking
Speaker 1: about soft soft. So because this is toughness, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell you I hate him. SATSD is what's right now.
Speaker 1: It's no, it's not only PTSD from that. It's PTSD
Speaker 1: from the fact that you're growing up in Brooklyn. Right,
Speaker 1: if you had on a sat and ask match he's
Speaker 1: right here. If somebody had on a satin do rag
Speaker 1: or a satin scrunchy or do he would be a
Speaker 1: victim on him. But this is my thing, right, this
Speaker 1: is what you got to understand. When you make things
Speaker 1: okay in private, they tend to make them okay publicly. Right.
Speaker 1: For example, bonnets and pajamas and all that stuff was
Speaker 1: okay privately for women, but now they wear them in
Speaker 1: the airport, you know what I'm saying. And the first time,
Speaker 1: the first time my son is going on a travel
Speaker 1: AAU and he got on a bonnet, he got sat
Speaker 1: in pillow cases and they making fun of him. I'm
Speaker 1: be like, talk to your mother, because your mother got
Speaker 1: you doing all of.
Speaker 2: That, right, he could tough it out and he could
Speaker 2: wear you know, he could use brown paper bags.
Speaker 1: Let me let me I'm gonna be honest. Let me
Speaker 1: tell you something. Let me tell you something about our son. No,
Speaker 1: let me tell you some about our son. He is
Speaker 1: so confident. If someone made fun of him for having
Speaker 1: that satin thing and all that stuff.
Speaker 2: Jackson comebacks be kind of crazy.
Speaker 1: He would make them feel so bad and that they
Speaker 1: would be like, I guess I'll get a satin one too,
Speaker 1: like he like. He's also not affected by what people say,
Speaker 1: because remember this kid then went through middle school with
Speaker 1: glasses and braces, the two things when I was growing
Speaker 1: up that you don't get.
Speaker 2: You do not.
Speaker 1: You rather have crooked, fucked up teeth, and you'd rather
Speaker 1: be blind and a motherfucker walking around school eyes caught
Speaker 1: like a pistol. Just can you see the value? You
Speaker 1: rather go through both of those than get picked on
Speaker 1: in middle school. I watched this confidence with embraces and
Speaker 1: them glasses, and I care that. I don't think that
Speaker 1: it matters if that's what we're trying to build. We're
Speaker 1: trying to build individuals who really don't care. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: got on the satin bond. It what you're gonna do
Speaker 1: fight me, right, They won't them because we throw them
Speaker 1: hands too. Like Jackson may have on a satin bond it,
Speaker 1: but we got that bag down stairs and we be
Speaker 1: on it, so I don't. I'm only joking with you
Speaker 1: with the satin bond and stuff, but I mean, these
Speaker 1: things really don't matter to me, Like it's hard for
Speaker 1: me to understand, like why so many men get triggered
Speaker 1: by it? Well, it was hard. I do understand now
Speaker 1: why some men.
Speaker 2: Get triggered by Yeah, well think about younger devous. You
Speaker 2: might have been triggered by some of these things younger,
Speaker 2: but now mature devo at forty.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, a lot of it is me feeling
Speaker 1: having the self esteem and confidence in myself that no
Speaker 1: one can shake or rock me off of. How our
Speaker 1: parent instilling that my sons so that no one can
Speaker 1: shake or rock them off of their manlihood. It don't matter, okay,
Speaker 1: Like this will never happen. But Jackson, you got on
Speaker 1: the pink skirt. People making fun of you, all right,
Speaker 1: fight them, make fun of them back, but be who
Speaker 1: exactly who you are, like you, like, we are not
Speaker 1: running from no smoke from nobody. It don't matter if
Speaker 1: it's making fun of me for following a trend or
Speaker 1: making fun of me for not following a trend. I
Speaker 1: want to instill in my son's the type of confidence
Speaker 1: where they can walk around and be individuals.
Speaker 2: And everything that we do now we really like we said,
Speaker 2: like people be like y'all worried about what people have
Speaker 2: to say. No, no, no, people always going to have
Speaker 2: something to say.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yes, they're always going to have something to say yes,
Speaker 2: So you might as well do what makes you happy
Speaker 2: back and do what you want anyway back period fat
Speaker 2: oh man.
Speaker 1: Fact, it's this fun episode. All right, y'all.
Speaker 2: Let's take a quick break, and we're going to move
Speaker 2: into listen letters after we get into these ads, be
Speaker 2: right back, all right, and we are back. You know
Speaker 2: what's another trend that I'll be trying to stay up
Speaker 2: on that I just realized. I'm like, shoot, I'm the
Speaker 2: texting trend. Like all of the acronyms that they have now, I.
Speaker 1: Don't even know. Man. Jackson text me one day and
Speaker 1: I was just like, bro, you butt dobed me. He
Speaker 1: was like, nah, those are sentences. I was like this,
Speaker 1: I asked him, I said, Jackson there's no vowels in
Speaker 1: any of these sentences. And he was like, no, those
Speaker 1: are acronyms. You got to learn them, I said, Jackson,
Speaker 1: just call me. I'm not trying to decode this.
Speaker 2: Did I'm better if you send me a gift for
Speaker 2: something so I can at least figure it out. You
Speaker 2: always give me a context.
Speaker 1: Clue, hear me. You always want gifts. I mean, yeah too, But.
Speaker 2: Hey, let's get into this first listener letter of the episode. Hey, y'all,
Speaker 2: the last episode or the latest episode rather not another
Speaker 2: sex episode was a home run in my book.
Speaker 1: People see as much.
Speaker 2: As I figure out, y'all tired to talk about sex.
Speaker 1: Y'all love what we're talking about it. I told you
Speaker 1: they because people be going through it and they want
Speaker 1: to other people's perspective life, you know, and we telling
Speaker 1: the truth. Niggas be going through it over here too,
Speaker 1: Like shit.
Speaker 2: I am twenty eight years old and married with a
Speaker 2: one year old. My husband and I have been married
Speaker 2: for almost six years, and needless to say, and needless
Speaker 2: to say, my husband and I have an emotional disconnect.
Speaker 1: Sorry to hear that.
Speaker 2: One of the things that stuck out to me was
Speaker 2: when you guys spoke about the other person wanting to
Speaker 2: be more affectionate than the other and how childhood or
Speaker 2: their upbringing might have played a role in that. You
Speaker 2: really hit the nail on that long story. Short After
Speaker 2: having my baby and experiencing postpartum depression on top of
Speaker 2: other emotional trauma in the relationship, I began to really
Speaker 2: focus on myself because I was really going through it
Speaker 2: and my husband was not there for me what I
Speaker 2: believe was one of the hardest times of my life.
Speaker 2: That of course turned me off from him, But seeing
Speaker 2: him with our daughter now after explaining to him how
Speaker 2: he has hurt me, really makes me want to get
Speaker 2: our relationship back to where it was when we were
Speaker 2: head over heels for each other. Because of the emotional
Speaker 2: disconnect that I'm feeling, our sex life is suffering. I
Speaker 2: feel like my husband is only worried about himself during sex.
Speaker 2: Even before when we got to this point. Even before
Speaker 2: we got to this point, I can remember having sex
Speaker 2: because it was my duty as a wife, and sometimes
Speaker 2: I literally would not even feel any pleasure, but because
Speaker 2: he was enjoying it, I just laid there. It was
Speaker 2: a little traumatizing for me because I began to ask myself,
Speaker 2: what's wrong with me? Why do I not feel anything?
Speaker 2: Then faking it became something I did on the regular.
Speaker 2: But now if I don't feel like faking it, we
Speaker 2: don't have sex. Oh okay, don't get me wrong. Sometimes
Speaker 2: the sex is okay, But most of the time I
Speaker 2: just lay there and fake it till I make it.
Speaker 2: For him, it's the best thing in the world. So
Speaker 2: I guess my question is how would I go about
Speaker 2: letting my husband know that he doesn't please me without
Speaker 2: hurting his ego? Thank you guys for being you, your
Speaker 2: authenticities everything. Everybody worried about Sierras prayer, but we need
Speaker 2: to know Kadeen's prayer. Much love to you both.
Speaker 1: Caneen's prayer was now I lay me down this sleep
Speaker 1: I pray.
Speaker 2: So from a man's perspective, I guess, without hurting his ego,
Speaker 2: what would that feel.
Speaker 1: Like for you? This is your life, partner, Fuck is ego?
Speaker 1: Your ego got to be out the door at this point, right,
Speaker 1: this is clearest day when it comes to sex and people. Right,
Speaker 1: you as a woman, are asking him not to share
Speaker 1: and sex with anybody else he wants him to. He
Speaker 1: wants you to not share sex with anyone else, So
Speaker 1: you have to be as present about the quantity. He
Speaker 1: has to be as present about the quality, which means
Speaker 1: if he wants sex more often, he should be asking
Speaker 1: questions like, hey, babe, how do I make it more
Speaker 1: enticing or enjoyable for you so that you want to
Speaker 1: have it more. The reason why I said he should
Speaker 1: do that is because I had to do that. All
Speaker 1: men have had to do that, right. We grew up
Speaker 1: at this mindset. We watch porn right bang bang bang
Speaker 1: bang fast, fast, hard, hard, fast, fast. That's what we think,
Speaker 1: because no one sits down with us as men and say, hey,
Speaker 1: the same erogenous zones you have impounding for yourself doesn't
Speaker 1: work with me as a woman. So a lot of
Speaker 1: men go into sex thinking that the harder and the
Speaker 1: faster and the longer I go, the more she's gonna
Speaker 1: enjoy it. And what happens when you fake it? He
Speaker 1: thinks he's doing it the right way, So in a way,
Speaker 1: you can't blame him for not knowing what you don't
Speaker 1: like because you've been faking things. No fuck is ego.
Speaker 1: Tell him the truth. Say listen, babe, like you did
Speaker 1: in college. Hey, slow down a little bit, all right,
Speaker 1: you may have to warm this thing up here a
Speaker 1: little bit, you know what I'm saying. I was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: I didn't know. But the fact that I know that
Speaker 1: you like that, let's get into that. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. It's not an ego thing. It's just it
Speaker 1: may not fuck it his ego. It may be like, yes,
Speaker 1: finally she's telling me some things that I know can work,
Speaker 1: and I can, you know, spend my time. There was
Speaker 1: a study that just came out that most men enjoy
Speaker 1: when a woman orgasm more than having their own orgasm.
Speaker 1: It do was on social media. Don't know where, but
Speaker 1: that's focus group. That's my thing. You know, that's my thing.
Speaker 1: But here's my thing. Even with those things, they never
Speaker 1: asked me so who, but they asked me that one
Speaker 1: thing that never I do know as a man making
Speaker 1: my wife orgasm is like when you talk about you
Speaker 1: want to boost his ego, you want to boost your
Speaker 1: husband ego, say babe, I'm really I want to orgasm.
Speaker 1: I think if you do this, and I can do
Speaker 1: that and let him know that he actually helped you
Speaker 1: make an orgasm, his ego going to be like this,
Speaker 1: rather than seeing that, rather than thinking it's going to
Speaker 1: shrink his ego by telling him the truth, let him know,
Speaker 1: say something like, yo, babe, I'll be right there if
Speaker 1: you focus on doing this in those moments when they
Speaker 1: taking to.
Speaker 2: The next level, because in his mind they're already having
Speaker 2: really great sex.
Speaker 1: Because she's doing she's being a kind, thoughtful wife by
Speaker 1: being what he needs in the moment, even though it's
Speaker 1: not for her. But she shouldn't have to live her
Speaker 1: life like that.
Speaker 2: My advice to her, because I know that she has
Speaker 2: a one year old is still being potentially in this
Speaker 2: postpartum rock rut or trying to get out of it.
Speaker 2: What I think all women should do post baby, whether
Speaker 2: you've had one child or you've had four like me,
Speaker 2: you need to learn your body post baby because a
Speaker 2: lot of times the things that you enjoyed pre baby
Speaker 2: you may not enjoy after the baby. Certain spots that
Speaker 2: used to work before don't give the same reaction you Also,
Speaker 2: sometimes to your libido can be a little messed up
Speaker 2: when you are going through the postpartum phase, even a
Speaker 2: year out. Not sure if you're on birth control, not
Speaker 2: sure if you are breastfeeding, there's just so many different
Speaker 2: things that play a part in that loss of that
Speaker 2: intimacy and the loss of connection after a baby. So
Speaker 2: the disconnect I think is something that I think maybe
Speaker 2: ninety eight percent of people can relate to post baby,
Speaker 2: whether it's the male or the female within the relationship
Speaker 2: feeling that. So learn your body after that and it
Speaker 2: maybe after having the conversation likedval suggested, it may be
Speaker 2: worth it for you to then say, hey, babe, like,
Speaker 2: let's work together to explore this new body of mind
Speaker 2: and not trying to think about getting back to what
Speaker 2: you used to enjoy but maybe seeing where what you're
Speaker 2: enjoying now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because it changes, because it does change.
Speaker 2: But having that open conversation, you know, we're always going
Speaker 2: to be an advocate for that, you know what, especially
Speaker 2: with your life partner.
Speaker 1: You know what I want to say, I think this
Speaker 1: is very important for people to hear. We don't live
Speaker 1: in a world where women get to explore sexually.
Speaker 2: Right, right, it was really encouraged.
Speaker 1: It's never encouraged. It's never right. You're supposed to be
Speaker 1: virtuous and only have one partner, right, right, So if
Speaker 1: you live in a world where women don't get a
Speaker 1: chance to explore themselves sexually. Then we tell women when
Speaker 1: you when you find a man, you have to make
Speaker 1: sure that he is satisfied sexually. Right. So there's tons
Speaker 1: of women who never get a chance to orgasm or
Speaker 1: never get to focus on themselves. If more women told
Speaker 1: their husbands right, hey, I've never orgast, No one ever
Speaker 1: paid attention to me with sex or nothing. If you
Speaker 1: have a good man, he will enjoy finding that out
Speaker 1: because you know what, you know how it feels as
Speaker 1: a man to know, like I can make my wife
Speaker 1: do things that you would never you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: Like she she gone that them told is gonna be curling,
Speaker 1: She's gonna be screaming that, she's gonna be leaking. As
Speaker 1: a man, that's what we take pride in. So if you,
Speaker 1: as his wife, help him find those areas to do that,
Speaker 1: it can help increase that that vulnerability, but also the
Speaker 1: fund behind that, the discovery is Yeah, it's like, baby,
Speaker 1: I never did this experien I was looking for that
Speaker 1: person that I felt vulnerable with. I feel comfortable being
Speaker 1: vulnerable with you. So we are like I want to
Speaker 1: try this. Watch how much she be like for real
Speaker 1: and he'd be like, all right, let's do it like that.
Speaker 1: To me, I think if I had a daughter, I
Speaker 1: would tell my daughter that. If I had a daughter
Speaker 1: who's twenty something years old and she's like, Hey, Dad,
Speaker 1: I just want to talk to you about sex, Like,
Speaker 1: how do I I would be like, YO, find out
Speaker 1: what you like. Find out a guy that you you
Speaker 1: are comfortable with, that you trust, that you want to
Speaker 1: build a life with. And then if you can trust him,
Speaker 1: if you use discernment and you trust him and you
Speaker 1: believe it's the person for the rest of your life,
Speaker 1: tell him what you want to explore and do it
Speaker 1: with him. This way, you don't got to feel like
Speaker 1: I can't say it because he may not know how
Speaker 1: to do it. He ain't gonna know how to do it.
Speaker 1: He don't got a clatorus. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: No clatorus. It is not a claricist. You have to
Speaker 1: clatorus it because that's the only way you pay attention.
Speaker 1: Se cloricist gets left alone. Where's the clitoricist. That's why
Speaker 1: niggas can't find it because claricists couldn't know. My God,
Speaker 1: good luck to you.
Speaker 2: Use this a mess?
Speaker 1: Oh my God. Sometimes that's why I wish I had
Speaker 1: a daughter, because I would be able to help.
Speaker 2: Help her navigate.
Speaker 1: Oh man, you share I know before, but I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about the conversations like, gosh, I gotta have this conversation with.
Speaker 2: The kids, and well we may have daughters in law later.
Speaker 3: So and be prepared to have those conversations with your
Speaker 3: daughters absolutely, you know, because I'm going to have them
Speaker 3: conversations with my sons as a man, you.
Speaker 2: Know, like, this is what you gotta do, bro, I
Speaker 2: want to have great relationships with them when they come along.
Speaker 2: If that's what our boys want to do, so we'll.
Speaker 1: Say, I think you'd be good at Because we had
Speaker 1: a friend who was this maybe a little bit too
Speaker 1: much information, but I'm going to share it. We had
Speaker 1: a friend our same age who was dating a young
Speaker 1: lady and they kept saying, Okay, we're trying to she
Speaker 1: want to squirk, trying to find a way to make
Speaker 1: this squak. So Kay was telling him certain angles and
Speaker 1: things to do with you know who I'm talking about,
Speaker 1: and then it came to a point error where they
Speaker 1: figured it out. Okay, Okay, she did it, she did it.
Speaker 1: But the truth is I did what And I'm like, wait,
Speaker 1: just now. And I didn't have to be the first
Speaker 1: at the moment. You know what I'm saying, take a shot,
Speaker 1: watch that you can't do something. But the reason why
Speaker 1: I'm telling that story is because his excitement and getting
Speaker 1: her to reach that made sex fun for them, as
Speaker 1: opposed to her being like I'm just here and he's
Speaker 1: not even trying.
Speaker 2: It was like a new feat for them that day.
Speaker 2: I'm trying together, right And I was like, hey, i
Speaker 2: mean try some things, see how it goes.
Speaker 1: And they were happy. Oh my god, that was fun.
Speaker 1: That was hilarious. All right. Number two, Hey Davali Kadeen,
Speaker 1: thanks you all or thank for all you guys do
Speaker 1: to pour into our lives. We appreciate you, man, We
Speaker 1: love you too. I twenty nine female, and my husband
Speaker 1: twenty nine male, have known each other for over a
Speaker 1: total of seven years. We've been married for one and
Speaker 1: a half years and together for five years. We were
Speaker 1: close friends for two years before that. Our relationship has
Speaker 1: never been an easy one. We fought through a lot
Speaker 1: to get to where we are now. But now at
Speaker 1: this point, I'm starting to regret it all. It seems
Speaker 1: like we're growing into two separate lives. I'm not sure
Speaker 1: how we ended up here. I don't want to leave
Speaker 1: my husband, but I'm not sure how much longer I
Speaker 1: can remain. I feel like I'm settling. He's lost himself
Speaker 1: from the relationship. Maybe I did at one point too,
Speaker 1: But now that I'm back to myself, I'm realizing that
Speaker 1: I don't like this version of him. I feel so
Speaker 1: guilty for even thinking like this. I probably I'm probably
Speaker 1: responsible for him developing into the person he is now.
Speaker 1: He's done so much for me mentally, emotionally, helped me
Speaker 1: through some rough patches. I realize this is getting long,
Speaker 1: So this is actually not that long. But the fact
Speaker 1: that you recognize that I appreciate this sounds like a
Speaker 1: very aware person because she's already talking about stuff that
Speaker 1: she thinks she did to contribute to her husband. So
Speaker 1: they're gonna be fine. I'm gonna put that on that
Speaker 1: so I'll get to I'll get to some kind of point.
Speaker 1: Have you guys ever dealt with something like this? If so,
Speaker 1: how did you get through? This? Is my marriage over?
Speaker 2: Wow, So twenty nine and twenty nine seven years together,
Speaker 2: so that means that they've been together since they were
Speaker 2: twenty two, and then it only been married for a
Speaker 2: year and a half.
Speaker 1: Okay, listen, let me and these people twenty I mean,
Speaker 1: you don't even know who you are at twenty now.
Speaker 1: That's literally this is normal.
Speaker 2: We were eighteen, so they've been together since we were eighteen.
Speaker 2: Child this is and we've experienced versions of ourselves within
Speaker 2: those twenty two years that we did not like. Yes,
Speaker 2: I think my question to her would be, do you,
Speaker 2: without a doubt, not just love this man, but do
Speaker 2: you like him as a person? Like is this person
Speaker 2: your best friend? You know, when people say this is
Speaker 2: my person, like, I feel like sometimes that doesn't even
Speaker 2: give enough weight to what I feel like.
Speaker 1: For example, you are to me.
Speaker 2: We've been able to literally withstand the test of time
Speaker 2: through so many different things in the course of twenty
Speaker 2: two years. I know for a fact that there were
Speaker 2: versions of Kadeen within that twenty two years that you
Speaker 2: were just like chickencake rocks. Yeah, And there were versions
Speaker 2: of the val that I was just like, why am
Speaker 2: I still here? So I don't feel like it necessarily
Speaker 2: has to be over, but I do understand feeling like, damn,
Speaker 2: I don't like this person.
Speaker 1: Right now. But people have to realize though twenty nine
Speaker 1: is not super super groown, especially starting at twenty two.
Speaker 1: I always say this, from fifteen to twenty I thought
Speaker 1: I knew everything. Twenty to twenty five I knew I
Speaker 1: knew everything about life. Twenty five to thirty is when
Speaker 1: I realized I didn't know shit about life the whole time.
Speaker 1: Then I spent the beginning part of my thirties trying
Speaker 1: to fix everything so that I don't live in the
Speaker 1: same funk in my forties. The reason why I'm telling
Speaker 1: you that is because you're both twenty nine. You're learning yourself.
Speaker 1: If there's certain things you don't like about yourself and
Speaker 1: your partner, it's normal you work to fix it, yep,
Speaker 1: because you don't have to stay the way you think
Speaker 1: you are like, you fix it, and the only way
Speaker 1: you fix it is by having open, honest conversations that
Speaker 1: other people may not want to hear. Right, Kadeen and
Speaker 1: I have these conversations, and some people be like, I
Speaker 1: can't believe they talk to each other like that. I
Speaker 1: can't Why would you say that to this podcast?
Speaker 2: Guys with fifteen seasons in if you go to season one, two, three,
Speaker 2: four or five somewhere in between that you're gonna hear
Speaker 2: versions of Devl and versions of Kadeen that we may
Speaker 2: not even subscribe to anymore. Absolutely, because that's just life,
Speaker 2: that's how it works, that's the course of years growth.
Speaker 2: That's reflecting, that's being honest to the moment that you
Speaker 2: were in and speaking transparently about how you felt in
Speaker 2: that moment. Because you think this episode is airing now,
Speaker 2: we're gonna feel the exact same way five years from now,
Speaker 2: ten years from now. No, So you have to give
Speaker 2: people the latitude to be able to grow and change
Speaker 2: and to support the person through that if you feel
Speaker 2: like it's worth it.
Speaker 1: I agree, I agree, that's what I'm saying. I don't
Speaker 1: to me, this one was a simple one. They twenty nine.
Speaker 1: I get it. They going through it, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. They're going through the funk of changes. But
Speaker 1: that happens, especially when you're with someone for a long time.
Speaker 2: I think, ask yourself, if your marriage is over tomorrow
Speaker 2: and you are you able to move on with your
Speaker 2: life without this person, regardless of what it is. Are
Speaker 2: you able to move forward? Because I know without a
Speaker 2: doubt that I am not choosing to move forward with
Speaker 2: anything unless this.
Speaker 1: Man is by my side. Facts same thing here, I'm
Speaker 1: not going I don't here what's going on. Once you've
Speaker 1: made that decision, then so then you know, you know,
Speaker 1: you know, like things are gonna be rough. Like I'm
Speaker 1: looking at these ages twenty nine, I'm thinking about where
Speaker 1: I was at twenty nine. Where we were. We were
Speaker 1: third year in our marriage. We had a hot mess argument,
Speaker 1: streaming mess back in the apartment.
Speaker 2: Twenty nine was a hot mess.
Speaker 1: That was twenty fifteen. Yeah, twenty fifteen. We didn't know
Speaker 1: what we were doing. We were figuring it out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so this is the this is the last thing I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say about this, because she said it's my marriage over. No,
Speaker 1: because Eve and I thought our marriage was over around
Speaker 1: that time too, you know, we we literally did. And
Speaker 1: y'all listened to this podcast. We started the podcast in
Speaker 1: twenty seventeen. I believe it was in eighteen, twenty eighteen, right,
Speaker 1: so this podcast is only about six years old, right,
Speaker 1: So you've been listening to me speak since I was
Speaker 1: thirty four. If you'd have heard me speak at twenty nine,
Speaker 1: you'd have been like, I don't know who that time.
Speaker 1: So don't don't judge your part of don't judge yourself.
Speaker 1: There's going to be more changes. Just work with each other,
Speaker 1: love each other, and be delivered about it.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Be delivered about having fun with it like I have fun.
Speaker 2: Have the conversations, no know what, you can laugh off
Speaker 2: and then know what it's like. Okay, we can work
Speaker 2: through this.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Good luck to you guys, both of our listening letters today.
Speaker 2: I really want to see y'all win, really really do
Speaker 2: and continue to write into us. Y'all, you can be
Speaker 2: featured as a listener letter if you write into our email.
Speaker 2: It's dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's d E A D A S S A d
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, moment of truth time. We're talking about trends.
Speaker 2: They're talking about nail polish or all well, what are
Speaker 2: we doing baby? What are we doing with these boys?
Speaker 2: How are you feeling about these trends?
Speaker 1: How do we wrap up today's My message today is
Speaker 1: for the dads, not just the dads of sons who
Speaker 1: wouldn't let their kids wear nail polished, but also the
Speaker 1: dads two sons that would right. Can we stop shaming
Speaker 1: and judging each other for having a difference of opinion? Right?
Speaker 1: Like you don't. You don't have to let your children
Speaker 1: follow every trend to show that you yourself are inclusive
Speaker 1: or progressive. You don't. You know what I'm saying. You
Speaker 1: can stand firmly on the fact that I just don't
Speaker 1: want my children to have nail polish, or I do
Speaker 1: want my children to have nail polish, but always be
Speaker 1: able to articulate your thoughts without judging, condemning, or shaming
Speaker 1: others who don't agree with you. If we can all
Speaker 1: do that as humanity, we would all move better than
Speaker 1: the world be a better place.
Speaker 2: I definitely think so. And speaking of articulating yourself, I
Speaker 2: think my overarching and takeaway from this episode was trend
Speaker 2: or not, what your friends are doing or not, whatever
Speaker 2: the case may be. I need you, as my child,
Speaker 2: to be able to articulate to me why you are
Speaker 2: an advocate for this, why you want to do something.
Speaker 2: Give me the pros and cons. Let me at least
Speaker 2: feel as though you've done the research on your own
Speaker 2: to decide that you're making an informed decision about something
Speaker 2: you want to partake. In because that's ultimately what we
Speaker 2: want to teach our children. We want to teach them
Speaker 2: to move in this world being leaders, not followers, marching
Speaker 2: to the beat of their own drum. As my mom
Speaker 2: used to say. Feel it's like an old West Indian
Speaker 2: term or something, but it's like, you want them to
Speaker 2: be able to be equipped with the individuality and the
Speaker 2: sound mind to think for themselves and not jump on
Speaker 2: and follow every trend when it comes to friends, when
Speaker 2: it comes to fashion, when it comes to sports, whatever
Speaker 2: it may be.
Speaker 1: I agree with you, baby, sounds good.
Speaker 2: All right, y'all, were rounding out season fifteen.
Speaker 1: I feel like the season is flying by, but you
Speaker 1: know we will be back.
Speaker 2: Yeah, with future seasons, we will be I'll tell you
Speaker 2: another moment in true time. I've debated on if fifteen
Speaker 2: was going to be our last season. You know, we
Speaker 2: did our last live show. It's the end of the year.
Speaker 2: I was like, maybe we can hang up that towel
Speaker 2: doing dead ass. But then I think I bumped into
Speaker 2: somebody in the Christmas store. Okay, I did go to
Speaker 2: the Christmas store.
Speaker 1: Look at that. You see that I did. Yo, this
Speaker 1: is crazy. I want you all to see just total manipulation.
Speaker 1: Kate just told herself by accident reached the look at
Speaker 1: the hands still here because she realized, oh shit, I
Speaker 1: told her that I did not go to the Christmas
Speaker 1: I wasn't going this. Yeah, but I might have made it.
Speaker 1: I might have made a quick swing by.
Speaker 2: Don't act like you don't know, because you be on
Speaker 2: my life three sixties, following me everywhere.
Speaker 1: I do. Be on your life to sisty, that's why
Speaker 1: you put on the Nauty list. All right, you're trying
Speaker 1: to get off the NAUGHTI List. You guys some work
Speaker 1: to do, all right, Well, well, actually I don't do
Speaker 1: it somewhere, but yeah.
Speaker 2: We'll be back with season sixteen y'all at the top
Speaker 2: of the year, and in the meantime whenever we're on
Speaker 2: our hiatuses. You can always follow us on Patreon. That's
Speaker 2: where you're going to see exclusive dead Ass content, the
Speaker 2: after show, Ellis, family content, BTS, all the things that
Speaker 2: we have going on. And you can find us on
Speaker 2: social media at dead Ass, the podcast I Am I Am.
Speaker 1: And I Am Devo, And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, subscribe, and lastly pick up
Speaker 1: that copy of We Over Me, The counterintuitive approach to
Speaker 1: getting everything you want.
Speaker 2: Come on the season, make it a gift, give it
Speaker 2: to somebody who needs it.
Speaker 1: Y'all. Y'all hear these listening letters.
Speaker 2: Somebody can benefit from that book, So go ahead and
Speaker 2: cop the book.
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