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Speaker 1: Hey guys, I'm Kaylie Shure, and this is too much

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Speaker 1: to say in questions it out you. If you have

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Speaker 1: listened to any of my music, or had a conversation

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Speaker 1: with me, or even just skimmed my twitter feed, you

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Speaker 1: know that I'm a funk up. And you know what,

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Speaker 1: I'm not ashamed of that. I think that I just

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Speaker 1: figured out that I'm going to be a hard way

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Speaker 1: lesson learner, and I've learned pretty much every lesson you

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Speaker 1: can learn the hard way, and now I'm kind of

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Speaker 1: ready to just be like a you know, read an

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Speaker 1: advice column and not even have to do it kind

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Speaker 1: of learner. But I was a hard way learner for

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Speaker 1: a long time. I think every single one of us

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Speaker 1: hurts people we love, whether it's intentionally or on purpose.

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Speaker 1: There's arguably justifiable reasons to do it. There's absolutely insane

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Speaker 1: reasons to do it. There's ways to do it that

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Speaker 1: are just fully projecting. You're not even mad at them.

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Speaker 1: You just do it because they're nearby. And anybody who

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Speaker 1: tells you that they haven't is um kind of a

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Speaker 1: dumbass and really needs to take a deep look inside

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Speaker 1: and probably talk to their therapists. Because We've all done it.

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Speaker 1: We've literally all done it. We've all been the reason

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Speaker 1: why a fight started, We've all been the reason why

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Speaker 1: somebody else cried. But this episode is not about the

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Speaker 1: times I've heard somebody It's actually been about the few times,

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Speaker 1: not like a few times, but it's about the times

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Speaker 1: that I have been on the other side of the

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Speaker 1: situation where you're the Also I hate using this word,

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Speaker 1: but you're the victim. Being the person who didn't funk

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Speaker 1: up is weird. It's not. It's not as great as

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Speaker 1: it sounds, you know, Like I have to be completely honest,

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Speaker 1: Like when you are the funk up, you kind of

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Speaker 1: like if you are able to acknowledge what you did

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Speaker 1: and apologize, like a weight lifts off your shoulders. But

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Speaker 1: if you're the person who has to deal with it,

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Speaker 1: you kind of take that weight until you can somehow

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Speaker 1: figure out how to like let it go. But people

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Speaker 1: don't let go of things overnight. I mean, things sit

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Speaker 1: and they marinate, and you just keep thinking of more

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Speaker 1: reasons to be upset that this person hurt you and

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Speaker 1: it sucks. And I've been in situations like that before

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Speaker 1: and I just feel so out of control, Like I

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Speaker 1: don't know what it is mentally, but like if I

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Speaker 1: fucked up my own life, not even like hurting somebody,

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Speaker 1: but like if I made a bad choice and I

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Speaker 1: hurt myself, I can be like, well, yeah, but I

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Speaker 1: felt like in control of my bad decision. I didn't

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Speaker 1: feel like things were spinning out of control, and so

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Speaker 1: I wound up hurt with scrape knees and I'm like, well,

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Speaker 1: all right, get over it. But when somebody else does it,

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Speaker 1: you you have zero control. And I have this fucking

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Speaker 1: yoga thing hanging up in my house and it says

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Speaker 1: like situations are only as powerful as you let them be,

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Speaker 1: And yeah, that's true. I mean maybe one day, when

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Speaker 1: I reach enlightenment somewhere into bed at a yoga class

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Speaker 1: like that doing headstand pose, maybe one day that'll ring true.

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Speaker 1: But right now, I'm a twenty six year old girl

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Speaker 1: who's just trying to figure it the funk out. So uh,

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Speaker 1: sometimes I don't have control over my emotions, and y'all,

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Speaker 1: when I get upset, like it's so weird. I hate

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Speaker 1: being angry, and so when I am angry, I don't

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Speaker 1: know what to do with it. I've always found anger

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Speaker 1: to be a really unattractive trait. Like when I've been

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Speaker 1: dating somebody and I've seen what they look like when

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Speaker 1: they're just like absolutely livid, I've had a hard time

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Speaker 1: unseeing that side of them, even if like they weren't

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Speaker 1: like they weren't like being violent or abusive or anything

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Speaker 1: like that. But you just see somebody when they're in

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Speaker 1: like full rage mode, and I'm just like, oh, I

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Speaker 1: hate that, And it takes so much for me to

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Speaker 1: get there. I mean, I can probably count on one

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Speaker 1: hand how many times I've been that angry, and actually

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Speaker 1: I can tell you they were all justifiable, because it

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Speaker 1: just takes so much for me to get there. But

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Speaker 1: so when I when I'm angry, I just kind of

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Speaker 1: like internalize it and I make myself sick, like I

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Speaker 1: don't mean like I make myself throw up, like I

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Speaker 1: mean like I just think about it until my stomach hurts,

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Speaker 1: and then I just lay in bed with my arms

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Speaker 1: at my side, staring straight ahead and my heart beats

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Speaker 1: really really fast, and I'm just like getting in a

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Speaker 1: mental argument with someone who doesn't even know we're fighting,

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Speaker 1: and I just lay there and it's so weird. Like

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Speaker 1: that's how my anxiety manifests. When I have that, it's

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Speaker 1: just like my stomach hurts and I can't get out

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Speaker 1: of bed, and I just feel out of control, like

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Speaker 1: I can't take any actions, you know, I can't call

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Speaker 1: somebody up and apologize and own up to my mistakes

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Speaker 1: and just say, hey, I did something wrong. I hope

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Speaker 1: you can forgive me. Lifted off my shoulders, And obviously

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Speaker 1: you're still gonna be upset, you know, waiting for that

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Speaker 1: person and to forgive you or to let it go.

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Speaker 1: But when you didn't ask for it, you're just laying

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Speaker 1: there just like oh, just vibrating with like anxious energy.

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Speaker 1: So I literally I just fucking hate that so much.

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Speaker 1: And when you're on the other side of things, you're

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Speaker 1: you're in control somehow, you get to be in control,

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Speaker 1: Like if you're the one doing the breakup, you're in control,

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Speaker 1: and that other person might do something crazy, but for

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Speaker 1: the most part, like you you have the you're holding

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Speaker 1: the wheel. Now. When it comes to trusting people and

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Speaker 1: having people you love and trust break that trust, it's

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Speaker 1: so much less a little lie. It's what a lie

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Speaker 1: stands for. And I think when someone lies to you,

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Speaker 1: it shows you what they're capable of and it makes

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Speaker 1: you question everything they told you before. That's what broken

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Speaker 1: trust is. It's not being like, wow, you lied to

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Speaker 1: me about this one thing, because the thing they lied

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Speaker 1: to you about could be small. But if it just

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Speaker 1: felt so easy for them to lie to you, You're

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Speaker 1: like Jesus Christ, what else have you said to me

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Speaker 1: that I didn't see? Like, you know, I found this

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Speaker 1: one out, but what else is there that you didn't

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Speaker 1: tell the truth about? And the problem with people who

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Speaker 1: lie is they're so good at doing to themselves too,

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Speaker 1: So like calling somebody out when they lie to you,

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Speaker 1: you're going to get a really bad coping mechanism. That

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Speaker 1: is my personal least favorite that people do. I'm guilty

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Speaker 1: of it as well, but it is my least favorite

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Speaker 1: human coping mechanism. I'm sure there's some fancy psychological term

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Speaker 1: for this, but I don't know what it's called. I

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Speaker 1: don't feel like looking it up, and I'm just going

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Speaker 1: to describe it. I think you all will know exactly

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Speaker 1: what I'm talking about. But it's like when somebody does

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Speaker 1: something wrong and they just dig their heels in and

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Speaker 1: they just full protection guard up mode. They know they

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Speaker 1: did something wrong. But they convinced themselves they didn't and

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Speaker 1: by the time they're so worked up that they're just

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Speaker 1: like lashing out of you, they've fully convinced themselves that

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Speaker 1: they didn't do anything wrong. And it's just weird that,

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Speaker 1: like our brains allow us to do that. And it's

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Speaker 1: so frustrating when somebody does that to you, because it's

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Speaker 1: a form of gas lighting. And I feel like, for me,

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Speaker 1: after my ex cheated on me, he told me, this

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Speaker 1: is where I'm pulling a lot of this from, like

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Speaker 1: this was the biggest time that's ever happened to me.

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Speaker 1: But he told me when I got home. I was

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Speaker 1: on the road and he sat me down and was like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I need to tell you something. And he told me,

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Speaker 1: and like I think he had a apology, like a

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Speaker 1: sorry somewhere in there. But he told me, and he

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Speaker 1: had this weight lifted off his shoulders and he didn't

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Speaker 1: have to feel guilty anymore because after doing the wrong thing,

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Speaker 1: he did the right thing. And I like froze and

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Speaker 1: I should like that's one of the times like I

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Speaker 1: probably should have gone into rage mode, not like should

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Speaker 1: have like ethically, but like I should have just based

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Speaker 1: on him, like the gravity of what had just happened.

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Speaker 1: But you want to know what I did instead. I'm

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Speaker 1: a big pacer when I get angry as well, And

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Speaker 1: so I walked around my kitchen island for like had

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Speaker 1: to be forty five minutes minimum. I was just walking

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Speaker 1: around my like arguably really small kitchen island, just encircles

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Speaker 1: like a crazy person. And every once in a while

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Speaker 1: I would be like, well, did you do this? Did

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Speaker 1: you take her home? Like you know, stuff like that,

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Speaker 1: and I would just like interject and and have a

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Speaker 1: thought and then just keep thinking of things to be

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Speaker 1: angry about. But most of the time I was just

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Speaker 1: head down, like facing very angrily around my kitchen island.

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Speaker 1: And I don't think he knew what to do with that.

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Speaker 1: I think he expected me to be angry, and I

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Speaker 1: think he probably would have understood that more because angers

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Speaker 1: are pretty straightforward emotion. It's very reptile brain, I think

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Speaker 1: amygdala like it's just like you're you're very like primal

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Speaker 1: primal instinct is anger. So I think he was expecting that,

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Speaker 1: and when he didn't get it, he didn't know what

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Speaker 1: to do. And I'm a big person where I need

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Speaker 1: to take a step back and take some time to

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Speaker 1: process things. I hate the notion of saying something I'll regret.

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Speaker 1: So when I do get angry, whether it's relationships or

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Speaker 1: friendships or anything, I'm like, Okay, I need to go

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Speaker 1: take some space. And that could even just be ten

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Speaker 1: minutes in my bedroom. But when I'm angry, I like,

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Speaker 1: take the twenty things that I want to say to

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Speaker 1: that person, and I distill them down to like the

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Speaker 1: three that actually matter. And sometimes I'll do this in

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Speaker 1: my head. Sometimes I'll do this in my journal. But

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Speaker 1: so with him, given that it was such a big

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Speaker 1: situation and it had been six years, I was like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I need a second. I don't want to say anything

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Speaker 1: right now. I just want to tell you I'm hurt

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna need a second. Like I didn't want

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Speaker 1: to make any decisions. I don't want to be like

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Speaker 1: this is what it's going to be like, because you

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Speaker 1: shouldn't make big life decisions in moments like that. So

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Speaker 1: I went to therapy the next day and thankfully already

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Speaker 1: had that scheduled, Like literally, thank god, I don't know

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Speaker 1: what I would have done. And I talked it through

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Speaker 1: my therapist and she was like the best thing you

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Speaker 1: can do is like take a week, takes seven days

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Speaker 1: to think about what you want to do. Don't break

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Speaker 1: up with him right now, don't tell him you'll stay

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Speaker 1: with him right now. Take seven days to fully consider

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Speaker 1: what your life would look like without him. Whether you're

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Speaker 1: making a plan or you really think you're gonna stay

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Speaker 1: with him, just think about it. And then she told

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Speaker 1: me about this quote that said, in order for this

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Speaker 1: house to be rebuilt, it must first be completely destroyed,

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Speaker 1: which means like full starting over, building the relationship again,

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Speaker 1: building trust, all of that. So I knew it wasn't

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Speaker 1: going to be a short journey to us getting you know,

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Speaker 1: back to where we were, which was like, honestly, like

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Speaker 1: a pretty happy relationship for a while. And that's also

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Speaker 1: weird to look back and like nothing is all good

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Speaker 1: or all bad, and there were a lot of good

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Speaker 1: moments there too, So it was there's a lot of

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Speaker 1: stuff that maybe want to hold on. And I really

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Speaker 1: thought that I was going to stay with him. I

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Speaker 1: just wanted to consider it because like I'm getting to

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Speaker 1: the age where I was like, if we stay together,

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Speaker 1: this is the person I'm going to marry and have

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Speaker 1: children with, and I I want to either stop it

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Speaker 1: now or stay with him forever, like those are my choices.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't going to be like, oh well, just wait

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Speaker 1: it out for another year, Like I wasn't going to

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Speaker 1: be with someone for seven years and just be like no, no,

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna break up with you. Like I was like,

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Speaker 1: this is my opportunity, I'm going to do it. So

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Speaker 1: it's just like taking time doing what my fucking professional

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Speaker 1: therapist told me to do. And he lost his ship

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Speaker 1: and he knew he had sucked up. He knew exactly

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Speaker 1: what he'd done wrong. And at first it was like

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Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, like I just want to like be

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Speaker 1: with you. I love you so much. And then as

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Speaker 1: soon as I told him that honestly, I was setting

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Speaker 1: a boundary and I needed seven and days to think

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Speaker 1: about it, he lost his mind and it became well,

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Speaker 1: you know, maybe this is what I had to do

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Speaker 1: to get your attention because you never get jealous. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh god, okay, I'm sorry. That's a

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Speaker 1: bad trait. And it was just like I did this

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Speaker 1: because you did this, and you remember that time that

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Speaker 1: you threw my phone across the room when we were eighteen.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, uh no, I think I drank three quarters

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Speaker 1: of a bottle of Jim Beams spiced and got really

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Speaker 1: mad because you cheated on me then too, and you know,

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Speaker 1: throwing phones is not smart. But I'm like, it's been

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Speaker 1: six years and you're bringing that up to justify you

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Speaker 1: cheating on me, And so he just dug his heels

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Speaker 1: in and then it ended up just coming to a

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Speaker 1: head at my then best friend's birthday party. We literally

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Speaker 1: like he tried to He tried to have the conversation

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Speaker 1: when he was drunk and I was totally sober at

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Speaker 1: my former friend's birthday party and it was in front

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Speaker 1: of like literally everyone we knew. Most people didn't know

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Speaker 1: that we were in a fight. So he was like

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Speaker 1: trying to kiss me and stuff, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't want your hands on me right now, Um,

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Speaker 1: please don't kiss me and act like things are normal.

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Speaker 1: And it was just like getting through that party, and

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Speaker 1: in retrospect, I'm like, that was my best friend. He

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Speaker 1: should have been uninvited. That that make it easy on people.

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Speaker 1: Don't make people go to parties with people they're currently

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Speaker 1: fighting with, like just you know, but I was like

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Speaker 1: her best friends, I was like I should probably be

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Speaker 1: the person to go to the party, right, I don't

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Speaker 1: know in retrospect, there's a lot of red flex there,

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Speaker 1: but it all ended up starting itself out anyways. So

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Speaker 1: he just couldn't wait. And the crazy thing was I

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Speaker 1: had set this therapy appointment, like in couples therapy for

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Speaker 1: the next day on Monday, because I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: we're taking seven days. I'm going to like have this

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Speaker 1: conversation with him in a therapy situation so we can

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Speaker 1: really do this the right way. Like I was trying

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Speaker 1: so hard, and I was fucking twenty three years old,

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Speaker 1: like and he was twenty seven, and I was being

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Speaker 1: the adult in the situation, like what the ship And

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Speaker 1: so he just dug his heels in and he just

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Speaker 1: got angrier and angrier, and then it was like you this,

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Speaker 1: you that, blah blah blah blah blah, and like he

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Speaker 1: was wrong and he got wronger, and it was like

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Speaker 1: I think it's called projection, but it's a form of

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Speaker 1: gas lighting because it's like, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 1: And then it's like, why the funk are you mad?

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Speaker 1: I'm the one who has a reason to be mad.

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Speaker 1: You did this in two thousand and thirteen, I'm like, uh,

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Speaker 1: and it's just like, literally one of the most hurtful

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Speaker 1: things somebody can do to you, because at first they're

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Speaker 1: all soft and loving and I'm so sorry, and then

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Speaker 1: when they realize you're not going to forgive them immediately

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Speaker 1: because oh, I don't know, you need a fucking hot second,

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Speaker 1: they lose their ship completely and it's just it's so

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Speaker 1: hurtful and back to broken trust, showing you what people

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Speaker 1: are capable of, you know, like, I never thought he

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Speaker 1: could cheat on me to that extent. The first time

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Speaker 1: he cheat on me was like a little bit of

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Speaker 1: a gray area. But all I will say is he's

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Speaker 1: a photographer and there were like nude photos on his

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Speaker 1: laptop of a girl. He specifically told me he wasn't

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Speaker 1: doing a new shoot with so oh my god. In retrospect,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I was eighteen. I got to give myself

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Speaker 1: a break. But um, I was like, hey, um, don't

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Speaker 1: do a newde shoot with this girl because I know

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Speaker 1: she's really into you and it's just gonna be the

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Speaker 1: two of you on set, and he was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I won't And then he was showing me the pictures

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Speaker 1: and he accidentally went forward too many on the keyboard

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Speaker 1: when he was pressing the arrow button, and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: those are like straight up nipples. Those are those are boobs.

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Speaker 1: They weren't great boobs, but those are boobs. And like,

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Speaker 1: it felt like that episode The Office from Michael Scott

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Speaker 1: is talking to Chan and he's like, you cheated on

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Speaker 1: me after I specifically asked you not to, Like it

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Speaker 1: was literally just like that. I was like, dude, I

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Speaker 1: told you not to do it. You can't even say, oh,

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Speaker 1: it was an accent er. Oh, I didn't know you'd

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Speaker 1: be mad. I'm like, which, I told you I was

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Speaker 1: gonna be mad, and us what I'm mad? And so

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Speaker 1: the you know, that was like kind of cheating. But

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Speaker 1: this time, after he really cheated on me with someone

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Speaker 1: I had completely trusted him around, he showed me what

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Speaker 1: he was capable of, and it that felt impossible. And

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Speaker 1: I think that believing in impossible things goes both ways.

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Speaker 1: If you don't believe that you can win a Grammy,

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Speaker 1: and then you win a Grammy, you believe in impossible things,

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Speaker 1: and you'll probably never go and go back to doubting

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Speaker 1: yourself the way you did before the impossible of winning

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Speaker 1: a Grammy happened. You know, you believe in fucking magic now,

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Speaker 1: But the same thing that happens when somebody does something

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Speaker 1: impossibly awful to you. So when you're person who you

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Speaker 1: thought was the love of your life cheats on you,

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Speaker 1: you now believe in the impossible things and you will

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Speaker 1: never again be able to trust the way you did

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Speaker 1: before the impossible happened. So one is believing in magic

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Speaker 1: and the second is not believing in somebody. I've had

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Speaker 1: a little bit of a stressful week, which is why

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Speaker 1: this podcast is about this. I literally couldn't think of

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Speaker 1: anything else, um except the thing I'm going through. So

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Speaker 1: this is supposed to be my diary, and I think

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Speaker 1: that this episode has been more like a diary than

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Speaker 1: any other episode because it's all happening in real time.

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Speaker 1: I think I'm doing better, but I did have a

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Speaker 1: stomach all week, and I was just laying in bed

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Speaker 1: with my with my arms at my sides, doing the

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Speaker 1: thing I was talking about. But you know what, my

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Speaker 1: cat came up and was so freaking cute and snugly.

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Speaker 1: And I have an eighteen pack of Gatorade in my fridge.

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Speaker 1: I fucking love Gatorade. Side note, I do have to

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Speaker 1: be honest. I don't know the last time I drank water,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't realize that Gatorade has carbs in it.

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Speaker 1: So I have this one bottle right now, and it's

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Speaker 1: a bottle there's a hundred sixty calories like that's like whatever, okay, cool, like,

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Speaker 1: but not only are there forty one grams of sugar,

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Speaker 1: but there's forty three carbs and that's sixtent of your

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Speaker 1: daily value. So literally sixteen percent of the daily carps

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Speaker 1: that I need are in this drink that I'm drinking

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Speaker 1: several of a day. And I don't know why, but

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Speaker 1: I can't stop. I just love Gatorade so much, so

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Speaker 1: please pray for me. I think by New Year's Resolution

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Speaker 1: this year will probably be too just swap out the

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Speaker 1: Gatorade for water, just like maybe every once in a while.

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Speaker 1: It's also like water is free for the most part

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Speaker 1: and Gatorade is not. And um, sometimes I'll get drunk

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Speaker 1: and in the middle of the night, I'll wake up

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Speaker 1: and I'll realize I have no Gatorade, but I know

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna want one when I wake up, and I'll

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Speaker 1: amazon fresh container of Gatorade to my doorstep around the

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Speaker 1: time I think I'm gonna wake up. So I wake

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Speaker 1: up to the Amazon guy knocking on my door at

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Speaker 1: like ten thirty am with a giant thing of canorade,

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Speaker 1: and like, wow, drunk me takes really good care of myself,

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Speaker 1: but like, really, I probably need to stop with the

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Speaker 1: fucking Gatorade. This is not sponsored, but honestly, if I

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Speaker 1: got sponsored by Gatorade, I'd be really really excited and

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Speaker 1: I'd probably stopped caring about the carb content. Thank you

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Speaker 1: guys so much for listening to me, bitch. I really

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Speaker 1: appreciate it. This has been another episode of Too Much

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Speaker 1: to Say. We have new episodes every Wednesday. I'm really

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Speaker 1: excited because this week, December four, my album Open Book Unabridged,

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Speaker 1: the deluxe version of the O G Open Book comes out.

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Speaker 1: There's four new songs. I'm so so excited about them.

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Speaker 1: I cannot believe this is happening. It's getting rereleased on

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Speaker 1: the label Teamwork Records. If you guys just got here

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Speaker 1: to the podcast, I've I have talked about this a lot,

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Speaker 1: but I'm just really really pumped. I'm so excited for

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Speaker 1: you guys to hear the new songs. One of them

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Speaker 1: is called out of It, the other one is called eighteen.

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Speaker 1: They're definitely two of the most personal and detailed songs

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Speaker 1: I've ever written, and I can't wait for you all

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Speaker 1: to hear them. I can't wait to hear what you

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Speaker 1: guys think, and I can't wait for next week's episodes.

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Speaker 1: So I'll see you next Wednesday. My name is Kaylee Short,

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Speaker 1: and this is too much to say. Don't go asking

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Speaker 1: questions you do answer soon. I got to say, I'll

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Speaker 1: turn it out of you. You