WEBVTT - Fueled by Anger with Billy Eichner 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:06.720 Hello everybody. Hello, Yo, Hi Chelsea, Hi, Hi, how are you? 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:07.360 Oh? 0:00:07.440 --> 0:00:10.960 You know all over the shop? I'm all over the shop. 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:14.000 Indeed, Chelsea, can I ask you for a piece of advice? 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:16.880 Or really it's a general question for the Hoi POLOI 0:00:17.400 --> 0:00:21.200 the hoy bleet, for our dear listeners. What's the ideal 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:22.880 length for a dinner with friends? 0:00:25.120 --> 0:00:30.760 Well, if it's an obligatory dinner, okay, I would say 0:00:30.840 --> 0:00:31.520 ninety minutes. 0:00:31.720 --> 0:00:32.080 Okay. 0:00:32.720 --> 0:00:34.680 I like to make a dinner two hours. 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:37.640 When you're with friends and it's not obligatory and you're 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:40.240 catching up, I would say two hours, two and a 0:00:40.280 --> 0:00:43.360 half hours, okay. And if it goes anything longer than that, 0:00:43.440 --> 0:00:44.760 you're having a fucking blast. 0:00:45.320 --> 0:00:48.200 That is true. Lunch is better if it's obligatory, because 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:48.560 that can. 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:50.600 Be an yeah and everyone No one expects for that 0:00:50.640 --> 0:00:52.320 to go to in a half hours, because people. 0:00:52.080 --> 0:00:54.639 Got no, no, no, no, unless you're in Europe and everyone's 0:00:54.680 --> 0:00:57.360 shit faced, which is my kind of LuFe shit. 0:00:58.640 --> 0:01:01.480 So if you're ready for people to leave, Let's say 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:02.800 you had a dinner at your house, and. 0:01:02.880 --> 0:01:03.520 I already that. 0:01:03.760 --> 0:01:06.360 I don't do that anymore for that reason. But I 0:01:06.400 --> 0:01:07.920 actually haven't had a house at a long time. I 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:09.440 mean I've been in that rental house. I was in 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:11.920 that rental house for two years, so I wasn't really 0:01:12.000 --> 0:01:15.000 into entertaining there. I have had people over for dinner, 0:01:15.080 --> 0:01:18.240 like for certain you know, but very casually, not dinner parties. 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:20.119 When I had my old house, I would I would 0:01:20.160 --> 0:01:22.800 have dinner parties a lot. So I hope that when 0:01:22.840 --> 0:01:25.120 I move into my new house, I will continue to 0:01:25.120 --> 0:01:25.680 do the same thing. 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:26.280 I'm sure I. 0:01:26.240 --> 0:01:28.480 Will, because then i'll have you'll have your own, my 0:01:28.600 --> 0:01:31.240 own prime. And I don't like showing off a rental house, 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:33.560 right right, Not that I have people over to show 0:01:33.560 --> 0:01:35.679 off my house, but there it feels more like you're 0:01:35.720 --> 0:01:36.760 it's representative of. 0:01:36.760 --> 0:01:38.000 Who you are, totally. 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:38.360 Yeah. 0:01:38.400 --> 0:01:40.120 So like my rental house feels like I'm in an 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:41.840 apartment that I don't know about. 0:01:41.880 --> 0:01:43.240 Like and I don't know my way around. 0:01:43.360 --> 0:01:43.720 Yeah. 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:46.640 Well, and I know that when we were in MAYORCA 0:01:46.720 --> 0:01:48.120 with you, when you were ready for the party to 0:01:48.160 --> 0:01:51.320 be over or you were done with the dinner, you would. 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:52.960 Just go to bed, which yeah, yeah, I've done. 0:01:53.000 --> 0:01:54.920 That's my move. I just go to sleep, And I 0:01:54.920 --> 0:01:57.040 don't mind if people hang out without me. You know, 0:01:57.240 --> 0:02:01.280 like at my house. Oh see that's great. Yeah, so 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:02.040 what I'm done. 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:03.880 I mean, I do go to bed early, you know, 0:02:04.000 --> 0:02:07.240 I typically like even, but in my Orca like early 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:08.480 is like eleven o'clock. 0:02:09.760 --> 0:02:12.880 But yeah, I don't stay up late. It's just not 0:02:13.000 --> 0:02:13.400 my thing. 0:02:13.639 --> 0:02:15.760 We've had a couple of times recently where we've had 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:18.119 people over and I'm like, okay, there's like the few 0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:20.960 stragglers and I'm like, what is the thing that you 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:22.880 say to be like it's time to leave? 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:25.160 If you just have to say I'm wrapping it up. 0:02:25.200 --> 0:02:26.760 You guys are welcome to stay, but I've got to 0:02:26.760 --> 0:02:27.399 get into bed. 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:28.760 Oh I love that and I love it. 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:30.639 And then they can decide if they want to hang 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:32.760 out while you're in bed in your own house. Yeah, 0:02:32.960 --> 0:02:36.240 you know which to me, Actually, I love having people around, 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:38.680 but it's like I'm not I can't be beholden too 0:02:38.919 --> 0:02:40.320 the situation for too long. 0:02:40.480 --> 0:02:40.760 Yeah. 0:02:40.919 --> 0:02:42.400 Yeah, I know what you mean. You kind of got 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:43.720 to get it rid of people sometimes. 0:02:43.880 --> 0:02:44.680 Yeah. 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:47.679 Well, we have a very exciting guest today. 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:50.880 Oh yeah, very very funny. Little birdie in a tree. 0:02:51.320 --> 0:02:54.520 His name you might recognize him from how many things? 0:02:54.600 --> 0:02:57.600 As would you recognize he's an actor, writer, producer, Billy. 0:02:57.680 --> 0:03:00.960 I can never well, I'm happy to see you you. 0:03:00.880 --> 0:03:02.680 Ever be we've met, not in person. 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:05.240 I don't think it can't be possible, I know, but. 0:03:05.280 --> 0:03:10.520 I don't think we did ever. Maybe No, wait, I 0:03:10.560 --> 0:03:14.600 think we maybe did at March for our Lives in DC. 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:16.160 Okay, were you there? 0:03:16.400 --> 0:03:17.239 Sounds about right? 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:20.959 Yeah, I think I met you very briefly. Wow, Charlie's 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:21.480 was there? 0:03:21.560 --> 0:03:23.720 Yes, Yes, a group of us went. 0:03:23.800 --> 0:03:25.040 We were like in a big group. 0:03:26.639 --> 0:03:28.840 That's when marches first started happening again. 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:31.959 Now we're desensitized. Oh another march. 0:03:33.720 --> 0:03:36.680 This world is so it is that we're living in 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:37.560 it is. 0:03:37.600 --> 0:03:41.600 I'm like, the more depressing it becomes, the more optimistic 0:03:41.680 --> 0:03:43.840 I become because I took good thing I have to. 0:03:44.080 --> 0:03:47.360 I can't go down that road again from like when 0:03:47.400 --> 0:03:50.000 I talk about that, I mean when Trump was president, 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:54.040 but all the dissension, the divisiveness, the hate, the meanness, 0:03:54.080 --> 0:03:57.600 the discrimination, Like I can't even look at it for 0:03:57.640 --> 0:03:58.120 too long. 0:03:58.240 --> 0:04:01.640 And I've understood now how important is to. 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:06.240 Remain optimistic and invoke hope and other people, even if 0:04:06.280 --> 0:04:09.120 it's faking it. I want other people to feel better 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:10.400 after they see me. 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:14.360 Yeah, No, you're right. I mean, God, who knew it? 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:17.120 March for our lives? Like how much worse it would be? 0:04:17.279 --> 0:04:18.960 How much marching we were going to have to do 0:04:19.279 --> 0:04:20.160 about everything? 0:04:20.400 --> 0:04:22.680 Yeah, nothing is really a wake up call. 0:04:22.760 --> 0:04:25.840 That's the problem, because everything is so ephemeral, and I 0:04:25.880 --> 0:04:28.680 think that is a direct result of well, I would 0:04:28.680 --> 0:04:31.600 say the Kardashians, but I would say more social media. 0:04:31.760 --> 0:04:34.040 Right, I was just going to say it's social media. 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:38.239 Nothing seems important because no one cares about anything because 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:41.240 there's such an influx of information that who what are 0:04:41.240 --> 0:04:42.080 you supposed. 0:04:41.760 --> 0:04:46.039 To care about? And I'm happier like Billy Iikner. I 0:04:46.080 --> 0:04:46.719 want to talk to you. 0:04:46.760 --> 0:04:50.800 First of all, congratulations on the first major gay movie production. 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:51.520 Thank you. 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:54.520 I wanted to specifically talk to you about a scene 0:04:54.520 --> 0:04:57.200 in the movie where you talk about confidence, huh, because 0:04:57.360 --> 0:04:59.720 Catherine agreed that that was a very poignant part of 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.400 the movie. And I want to talk to you about 0:05:02.440 --> 0:05:06.359 confidence because the conversation talks about whether you're faking it 0:05:06.480 --> 0:05:09.200 or whether you have it, and I find those two 0:05:09.240 --> 0:05:12.240 things to blend together a pretty right. 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:15.320 Yeah, you know, it is essentially fake it till you 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:18.720 make it, and anyone in show business understands that. I think, 0:05:19.120 --> 0:05:21.840 I mean, you have to in order to keep going. 0:05:22.120 --> 0:05:25.960 But I'm talking about how confidence is a choice like 0:05:26.040 --> 0:05:29.000 any other, and it really is you have to wake 0:05:29.080 --> 0:05:32.279 up and decide to be confident. It's not like you're 0:05:32.279 --> 0:05:32.920 born with it. 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:36.280 You know, it's not a tree, not you guys. It's 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:39.320 not much more serious than that. But I do think 0:05:39.360 --> 0:05:43.159 it's an interesting topic because there's arrogance, right, which is 0:05:43.600 --> 0:05:44.760 different than confidence. 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:45.400 Arrogance. 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:48.120 I've been very guilty of arrogance in my life likewise, 0:05:48.200 --> 0:05:51.440 and I've also had a lot of confidence too, And 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:53.360 some people say, oh, you know. 0:05:53.920 --> 0:05:55.599 Those two things can get money as well. 0:05:56.200 --> 0:05:59.159 And I think from an early age you kind of 0:05:59.200 --> 0:06:04.920 decide what kind of person you are naturally, and as 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:08.520 you get older, you're kind of always if you're looking within, 0:06:08.720 --> 0:06:11.400 you're trying to chip away or add and make that 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:14.840 person the potential of who you can be, right, the 0:06:14.880 --> 0:06:17.839 best potential of who you can be. Yeah, So tell 0:06:17.880 --> 0:06:20.600 me about your kind of experience with that. 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:22.440 Do you go to therapy? Do you have a therapist? 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:28.039 I do, although only I started therapy about a year 0:06:28.040 --> 0:06:31.040 and a half ago for the first time ever in 0:06:31.080 --> 0:06:36.320 my life, and I was always very pro therapy. I 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:39.400 lost both of my parents, but just even then, never 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:42.720 felt the need to go to therapy until about a 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:45.400 year and a half ago, and I'm glad that I did. 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:46.359 It's great. 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:50.400 How did you decide that you needed to go to therapy? 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:53.240 What was happening in your life that you decided, If. 0:06:53.080 --> 0:06:56.719 You want to know the truth, it was. We had 0:06:57.000 --> 0:07:02.320 just wrapped shooting. It was challenging. It was really hard, 0:07:02.560 --> 0:07:06.719 and sometimes it would really stress me out, and my 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:11.520 anxiety about it was, I think, looking back, irrational sometimes, 0:07:12.080 --> 0:07:14.880 but I just put so much pressure on myself and 0:07:14.920 --> 0:07:17.160 I wanted it to be so many things, and that 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:21.040 movie had very specific challenges, you know, like stay honest 0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:24.360 for the gay people and for yourself, but make it 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:29.000 clear for straight people and you know, not alienating. And 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:32.320 I lost sleep at night worrying about studio notes and 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:35.840 things like that. So I got through the writing process 0:07:35.960 --> 0:07:39.160 we shot the movie. Shooting the movie was wonderful, and 0:07:39.200 --> 0:07:43.520 the cast was incredible, and the whole cast was openly LGBTQ, 0:07:43.600 --> 0:07:47.760 which never happens, and so the set felt felt very special. 0:07:47.800 --> 0:07:50.040 We got to shoot it in New York that was magical. 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:53.800 But when we wrapped the movie. I was really worried 0:07:54.440 --> 0:07:59.280 about the post production process and about editing the movie 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:02.280 because I thought, Okay, well, I was a co writer, 0:08:02.520 --> 0:08:06.040 so I had some control over the script, and I'm acting. 0:08:05.720 --> 0:08:06.160 In the movie. 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:08.160 I'm starring in the movie, and I've been on many 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:10.360 sets and I've acted in many things. So the shooting 0:08:10.360 --> 0:08:13.960 of the movie I felt good about. But the editing process, 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:18.000 I thought, I don't have power here. Technically, I'm not 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:19.760 the director, I'm not an editor. 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:23.000 I'm an EP. But EP is kind of a bullshit thing. 0:08:23.280 --> 0:08:25.800 And I thought, oh god, I'm going to lose control 0:08:25.880 --> 0:08:29.400 of the movie over the quality of the movie, which 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:33.040 actually didn't happen at all, and so many things that 0:08:33.080 --> 0:08:35.520 I it was interesting. So many things that I worried 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:38.240 about ended up being things I did not need to 0:08:38.280 --> 0:08:41.760 worry about, and things I never really thought about ended 0:08:41.840 --> 0:08:44.079 up being things maybe I should have thought about more. 0:08:44.720 --> 0:08:47.440 But I got a therapist because I was so worried 0:08:48.000 --> 0:08:50.559 about the post production, which is really where the movie 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:52.840 comes together. The movie can live and die in the 0:08:52.960 --> 0:08:55.920 editing room, and I was so stressed about that that 0:08:56.000 --> 0:08:58.240 I thought I am going to get a therapist. At 0:08:58.280 --> 0:09:02.200 the beginning of this process to help me navigate all 0:09:02.240 --> 0:09:06.080 of this, because there were times where I would get 0:09:06.080 --> 0:09:08.640 into my car after a meeting or something and I 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:11.080 would like get into a fetal position. I was like 0:09:12.120 --> 0:09:16.120 so stressed, and that's why I got a therapist, honestly, 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:19.199 was to guide me through that process. And I'm really 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:20.000 glad I did. 0:09:20.360 --> 0:09:23.200 And within your therapy did the death of your parents. 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:26.040 Obviously that's something a topic that you have to discuss 0:09:26.040 --> 0:09:27.800 in therapy, right How no were you? 0:09:27.840 --> 0:09:27.960 Can? 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:28.760 I ask you how old you were? 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:29.280 Sure? 0:09:29.400 --> 0:09:31.400 I was young when my mom died. I was twenty 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:34.120 years old when my mom died. I was in college 0:09:34.120 --> 0:09:36.200 and it happened out of nowhere. She had a heart 0:09:36.200 --> 0:09:40.120 attack and died. Which is that you know, people have 0:09:40.240 --> 0:09:43.040 parents died at a younger age. It's very different to 0:09:43.080 --> 0:09:45.760 have a parent die when you're five than to have 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:48.439 a parent die when you're twenty. I had my mom 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:52.079 through my formative childhood years and teenage years and she 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:56.880 was fantastic, But twenty is still young. And then my dad, 0:09:57.720 --> 0:10:00.320 my dad was older than my mom, had me late 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:04.800 later in life, so he died about eleven twelve years ago. 0:10:04.920 --> 0:10:10.160 He was eighty, you know, he wasn't young, but also 0:10:10.360 --> 0:10:12.000 was somewhat unexpected. 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:13.120 He was pretty healthy for. 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:16.160 An eighty year old, and all of a sudden was 0:10:16.200 --> 0:10:19.480 diagnosed with leukemia. The doctor said he has two to 0:10:19.600 --> 0:10:22.280 nine months to live, and less than three months later 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:27.920 he was gone. So but you know, strangely enough, I 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:30.240 haven't really talked about that in therapy much. 0:10:30.360 --> 0:10:30.720 Really. 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:32.200 Yeah, he's my. 0:10:32.160 --> 0:10:35.080 Therapist, isn't very he'sn't like one of these like let's 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:38.800 deal with your childhood types of guys. It's more practical, 0:10:39.160 --> 0:10:41.960 like the day to day Uh huh, you know, for 0:10:42.040 --> 0:10:42.800 better or worse. 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:43.280 I don't know. 0:10:43.720 --> 0:10:46.000 Yeah, no, I think I think all of that stuff. 0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:48.160 You know, I think, well, when it happens when you're twenty, 0:10:48.400 --> 0:10:52.679 I think you're still a baby. You know, that trauma 0:10:53.000 --> 0:10:56.800 when someone's snatched away from you in your life, it 0:10:56.880 --> 0:10:58.959 is definitely traumatic. But yeah, there are all sorts of 0:10:59.000 --> 0:11:02.840 different types of therapy. From what I gleaned from therapy, 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:03.840 which was a lot. 0:11:04.200 --> 0:11:05.360 If you don't deal with your. 0:11:05.280 --> 0:11:07.760 Trauma, it will deal with you at a certain point, 0:11:07.840 --> 0:11:10.400 and it'll deal with you in situations like you're talking about, 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:12.240 like where we get in our heads and we're totally 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:15.120 stressed out because our trauma does work for us for 0:11:15.160 --> 0:11:17.720 a while, because that's your motivation. Like you almost have 0:11:17.800 --> 0:11:21.960 more gas because you've been so hurt or you've. 0:11:21.840 --> 0:11:24.479 Felt such loss that you're even more motivated. 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:28.640 Anger can be such a motivated factor. Yeah, both creatively 0:11:28.760 --> 0:11:32.120 for me. I mean, I've really leaned into anger as 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:36.160 a comedic tool. Obviously I did in my early live 0:11:36.280 --> 0:11:40.000 stage shows in New York, So that persona I realized 0:11:40.120 --> 0:11:43.200 kind of early on, not as an actor per se, 0:11:43.240 --> 0:11:45.400 but as a comedian. Once I had to generate my 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:49.720 own material, people really loved it. The angrier I got, 0:11:49.760 --> 0:11:52.600 the more the audience loved it. And I thought, oh, 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:55.880 that's interesting because it's really not how I am in 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:58.440 real life. I know people always kind of don't believe that, 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:01.120 but if you know me, the whole angry thing, it's 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:04.199 very divorced from who I am in real life, and 0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:05.560 yet I. 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:06.880 Can really turn it on. 0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:11.520 I'm good at it from a performance standpoint, and people 0:12:11.600 --> 0:12:14.880 really liked when I did it. And then behind the 0:12:14.960 --> 0:12:18.959 scenes anger, the rejection and all of that, you know, 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:22.920 the oh I'm openly gay. I was always openly gay 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:27.040 at a time in comedy, you know, twenty plus years ago, 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:28.920 when there weren't many. 0:12:28.720 --> 0:12:30.800 Of them, only tig. It was only tigh. 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:33.760 I mean literally there were a few. You know, Guy 0:12:33.800 --> 0:12:35.480 Brandham was around, but I didn't know him. 0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:37.920 I knew Guy, I knew guy I worked with me. 0:12:38.080 --> 0:12:40.320 Yeah, of course, and so but at the time I 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:42.800 was looking around, you know, and I was I just 0:12:42.800 --> 0:12:45.400 didn't have many gay peers in comedy. 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:47.240 Now there are so many. 0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:50.240 I'm so like envious of these younger kids in comedy 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:54.000 because so many of them are gay, queer, non binary, 0:12:54.040 --> 0:12:56.400 and they have each other to lean on and to 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:57.040 work with. 0:12:57.240 --> 0:12:57.600 I didn't. 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:00.480 I didn't really have that, and yet that became a 0:13:00.520 --> 0:13:03.520 motivating force. Like I remember, I had a manager in 0:13:03.559 --> 0:13:07.600 New York, a straight woman actually, who told me that 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:09.840 she was going to invite a bunch of agents to 0:13:09.880 --> 0:13:12.480 see me and asked me if I could make the 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:16.520 show less Gay that month, right, just flat out asked me. 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:18.240 That This was at a time. This is two thousand 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:20.439 and six, so you could still ask that question, I guess, 0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:23.480 and not fear, you know that someone was gonna tweet 0:13:23.520 --> 0:13:26.560 about it and destroy your career. And she was asking 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:28.200 me that because she wanted the best for me, and 0:13:28.240 --> 0:13:30.880 she thought that was in my best interest, and I 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:35.120 did the show that month. The agents came and they 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:37.640 signed me, and it was, you know, worked out. And 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:39.760 she said to me, you know, I have to ask 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:42.800 the agents. Loved it, but I think you made the 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:46.040 show gayer this month than it's ever been. Why did 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:48.200 you do that when I asked you to do the opposite? 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:50.719 And I was like, I don't know. I mean I 0:13:50.760 --> 0:13:53.480 didn't sit down and say I am going to rebel 0:13:53.760 --> 0:13:56.560 against what you told me. But I think subconsciously maybe 0:13:56.559 --> 0:13:59.120 I did. I always had that in me. It was 0:13:59.160 --> 0:14:01.520 like I was that gay kid who like I loved 0:14:01.600 --> 0:14:04.880 Madonna growing up and like she was so rebellious and 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:07.959 like I had that in me. And I also think 0:14:08.760 --> 0:14:12.920 because my parents were so supportive as a kid, they 0:14:12.920 --> 0:14:16.520 were so supportive and overprotective. It was I had a 0:14:16.520 --> 0:14:18.800 lot of unconditional love as a kid, even as a 0:14:18.840 --> 0:14:19.520 gay kid. 0:14:20.280 --> 0:14:21.480 I was really lucky. 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:23.240 Even what age did you know that you were gay? 0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:27.360 I mean, I don't remember the exact moment I thought, 0:14:27.360 --> 0:14:28.280 oh I'm gay. 0:14:28.560 --> 0:14:29.840 You know, tell you were gay? 0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:30.880 Basically they knew. 0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:32.480 I was like, you know, when you took me to 0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:34.480 the you know, Barbar Streisan concert. 0:14:34.560 --> 0:14:37.760 I think that you knew. Well, yeah, it was exactly. 0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:41.400 The first guy I remember having a crush on was 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:44.360 this is funny Keith Hernandez of the nineteen eighty six 0:14:44.440 --> 0:14:45.200 Oh I got that. 0:14:45.200 --> 0:14:46.560 Was the year of the World Series. 0:14:46.680 --> 0:14:49.200 Yes, and they won. And I grew up in Queens 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:50.800 where with Gary Carter. 0:14:51.120 --> 0:14:52.880 I was obsessed with Gary Carter. 0:14:53.040 --> 0:14:56.120 It was an amazing team. Let me extra all the mookie. 0:14:56.200 --> 0:14:59.200 Well she became Coast Strawberry mookie. 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:01.720 That's right, Yes, they became awful people. 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:04.800 I remember seeing this like what it was before Cribs, 0:15:04.840 --> 0:15:07.880 but whenever they showcased someone's house, and they were showcasing 0:15:07.920 --> 0:15:10.360 Darryl Strawberry's apartment in New York City, and he had 0:15:10.360 --> 0:15:13.800 white leather sofas everywhere, and the whole house was decorated 0:15:13.800 --> 0:15:15.520 in a way. And even at that age, I was like, 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:18.520 this guy is doing cocaine. I could tell by his 0:15:18.560 --> 0:15:20.640 furniture that he was fucking doing cocaine. 0:15:20.640 --> 0:15:20.760 Oh. 0:15:20.760 --> 0:15:23.160 Absolutely, and so and I remember a few years ago. 0:15:23.440 --> 0:15:26.160 So my first crush was Keith Hernandez. This was nineteen 0:15:26.200 --> 0:15:29.360 eighty six. I was eight years old, and I remember 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:31.320 and I at the time, I wouldn't have said like, oh, 0:15:31.360 --> 0:15:35.000 I have a crush on him, but I remember just 0:15:35.120 --> 0:15:39.400 being very drawn to him, like there was an attraction. 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:42.000 And I got so bummed because then a few years 0:15:42.000 --> 0:15:43.840 ago I saw a photo of him and his wife 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:46.840 walking into mar A Lago. Of course, you know, it 0:15:46.880 --> 0:15:50.240 was such a bummer, but yeah, him and John bon Jovi. 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:53.080 I really loved John bon Jovi as a kid. 0:15:53.520 --> 0:15:54.880 Yeah, well that's hard not to do. 0:15:55.040 --> 0:15:56.920 Yeah, and he was great looking and. 0:15:58.400 --> 0:16:01.520 So yeah and so yeah, I was always like a 0:16:01.520 --> 0:16:06.120 little rebellious, and I think I needed that. That anger 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:07.920 was a motivating. 0:16:07.600 --> 0:16:10.440 It's a driving factor for sure, because I never knew 0:16:10.440 --> 0:16:12.800 what people said when like it works until it will 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:15.240 work for you until it doesn't. I never understood that 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:18.280 phrase until I experienced it myself. Because my anger, my 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:21.160 personality was a huge driving force gave me a lot 0:16:21.160 --> 0:16:23.240 of success. And then all of a sudden, it was 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:25.560 a big dark shadow on me. You know, all of 0:16:25.560 --> 0:16:28.080 a sudden, I felt like, wait, I have it. And 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:31.040 it was because I had unrealized you know, grief trauma. 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:32.840 My brother died when I was a little girl, so 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:35.280 it was all that stuff, and it's amazing how far 0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:35.960 can take you. 0:16:36.360 --> 0:16:39.000 It's just really is like lightning in a bottle. 0:16:39.000 --> 0:16:41.560 When somebody's angry and wants to get away from their feelings, 0:16:41.840 --> 0:16:43.680 they will become successful. 0:16:43.840 --> 0:16:44.360 It's true. 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:46.560 But you have to be careful because it can end 0:16:46.640 --> 0:16:50.800 up defining you too in a way that you're not 0:16:50.920 --> 0:16:51.640 comfortable with. 0:16:52.080 --> 0:16:54.760 Well, that's yeah, and especially if you don't make the 0:16:54.800 --> 0:16:57.600 pivot or you don't like look in, you know, because 0:16:57.640 --> 0:17:01.240 it isn't the most pleasant work all the time. Anyway, 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:04.159 We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back. 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:10.160 And we're back perfect. 0:17:10.240 --> 0:17:10.560 Okay. 0:17:10.640 --> 0:17:13.520 So we give advice to real live callers on this podcast, 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:16.600 so we have people call it hopefully curated towards Billy 0:17:17.119 --> 0:17:17.960 and his gayness. 0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:18.440 Oh boy. 0:17:18.760 --> 0:17:22.280 Our first question comes from Trev. Trev says, Dear Chelsea, 0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:25.159 First time, long time. I'm a gay man in my 0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:27.359 early fifties, and I'm married to a man who is 0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:30.600 five years my junior. The age difference doesn't really come 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:32.920 into play often, but I'm dealing with one area of 0:17:32.960 --> 0:17:35.320 our lives that I'm starting to grow out of and 0:17:35.359 --> 0:17:38.800 he isn't, and that is alcohol. Don't get me wrong, 0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:41.400 I'm not a teetotaler. I've had plenty of wild years 0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:43.879 in my life. You name it, I drank it, snorted it, 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:45.639 put it on my tongue, fucked it, and lived to 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:48.320 tell the tale. I don't judge, and I believe the 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:50.960 body and mind are fun toys and you should experience 0:17:51.040 --> 0:17:53.600 all the things they can do while you're alive. But 0:17:53.680 --> 0:17:56.160 as I'm getting older, I find myself moving away from 0:17:56.160 --> 0:17:58.560 wanting all of that, partially because I don't have the 0:17:58.680 --> 0:18:02.160 energy or patience to deal with hangovers anymore, and partially because, 0:18:02.440 --> 0:18:06.000 let's face it, a sloppy, drunk fifty something man ain't cute. 0:18:06.440 --> 0:18:08.160 Amen, sister Amen. 0:18:10.200 --> 0:18:13.159 Meanwhile, my spouse still loves to get trashed with buddies 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:15.280 on the weekends. I used to go along with it 0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:17.240 and try to enjoy the raiders with him, but over 0:18:17.280 --> 0:18:19.720 the past year or two I realized I honestly don't 0:18:19.800 --> 0:18:22.359 enjoy getting drunk. I don't feel the need to chase 0:18:22.359 --> 0:18:25.800 that buzz anymore. My husband isn't at that point yet. 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:28.280 Getting drunk is still kind of a hobby for him. 0:18:28.720 --> 0:18:31.159 It's how he socializes with people. I don't think he 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:34.240 has any kind of serious problem, and he's responsible about 0:18:34.240 --> 0:18:37.159 it generally. He's only a weekend day drinker, and his 0:18:37.240 --> 0:18:40.159 drinking has never compromised his job or our household. But 0:18:40.200 --> 0:18:43.440 when he throws down, he really throws down. He knows 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:45.880 I'm trying to bow out of the heavy drinking lifestyle. 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:48.639 But he does provide a little pressure with like, you 0:18:48.680 --> 0:18:50.440 haven't gone to the bar with me in a long time, 0:18:50.480 --> 0:18:53.000 and our friends are starting to ask about you. I 0:18:53.040 --> 0:18:55.760 certainly don't want to give up drinking altogether. I will 0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:58.320 always like a glass of wine or a good craft cocktail, 0:18:58.400 --> 0:18:59.960 but I feel like my mind and body are both 0:19:00.080 --> 0:19:02.600 aging out of wanting to drink just to get drunk. 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:05.240 I'm really excited about the thought of hanging out with 0:19:05.280 --> 0:19:08.919 friends without having to get shit faced. After writing all this, 0:19:09.040 --> 0:19:11.160 I need a stiff drink of kamboo chap. 0:19:11.840 --> 0:19:12.639 Thanks Trev. 0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:14.800 I was gonna say she's still on adderall because that's 0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:17.399 a very long letter, and that's the. 0:19:17.400 --> 0:19:20.359 Trimmed down version. Yeah, we got it. 0:19:20.440 --> 0:19:22.080 Yeah, you don't want to drink as much as your 0:19:22.080 --> 0:19:24.480 boyfriend got Yeah, some of. 0:19:24.400 --> 0:19:28.359 These are very long winded lately. Indeed, indeed, I'll go first. 0:19:28.480 --> 0:19:30.879 I think that if somebody if you're not into drinking, 0:19:30.920 --> 0:19:34.200 that's great, And if your partner is responsible and doing 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:36.080 all the right things, but just gets ship faced and 0:19:36.119 --> 0:19:39.120 sloppy once a week. Then I think you can tolerate 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:41.000 that and let him do his thing. He's going to 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:44.320 outgrow alcohol too. Probably it happens with age. You're not 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:47.320 as interested in getting shit faced when you're older. 0:19:47.440 --> 0:19:48.680 I mean most of the time. 0:19:48.720 --> 0:19:50.520 I think with most people, I'm trying to think of 0:19:50.560 --> 0:19:53.240 some old ship face drunks that I know, But I'm like, wait, 0:19:53.960 --> 0:19:54.280 I do. 0:19:54.320 --> 0:19:56.480 Actually know a couple old drunks. Of course I do. 0:19:56.760 --> 0:19:58.800 But yeah, I would say, let him do his thing. 0:19:58.880 --> 0:20:01.760 Nobody wants to be policed or told what to do 0:20:01.840 --> 0:20:04.040 within a relationship. And if you don't want to go 0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:05.679 to the bar with him, you could just totally be 0:20:05.720 --> 0:20:07.679 honest with him and say like, I'm not into that 0:20:07.760 --> 0:20:10.920 right now, and don't frame it as that forever. Frame 0:20:10.960 --> 0:20:13.080 it as right now, Like I'm just not interested in 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:15.320 that right now. I'm not interested in getting sloppy drunk. 0:20:15.600 --> 0:20:18.200 And you know, who knows, maybe he'll be like, oh, 0:20:18.320 --> 0:20:21.560 you know, once it's out there, and you know, without 0:20:21.680 --> 0:20:24.399 judgment on him, you do your thing, let him do 0:20:24.480 --> 0:20:26.840 his thing, and as long as it's not interrupting your lifestyle, 0:20:26.840 --> 0:20:29.600 then there's really nothing for you to do except tolerate 0:20:29.640 --> 0:20:31.400 it and go do something else on a Saturday night, 0:20:31.400 --> 0:20:32.320 whatever you want to do. 0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:35.879 Yeah, I agree. I think not framing it as forever 0:20:36.000 --> 0:20:38.560 is really good advice. It could be tough in the 0:20:38.600 --> 0:20:42.199 gay world. I know, it's obviously alcoholism exists everywhere, but 0:20:42.280 --> 0:20:45.080 there's a lot of like social anxiety when gay men 0:20:45.119 --> 0:20:48.280 get together. You know, it's very sexually charged, even if 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:50.800 you're in a long term couple, you know, because that 0:20:50.840 --> 0:20:54.080 can be its own pressure. And you see a lot 0:20:54.119 --> 0:20:57.679 of jug and alcohol abuse in the gay world, you do. 0:20:58.119 --> 0:21:00.960 I have a lot of sober friends. They're sober because 0:21:01.000 --> 0:21:03.280 for a long time they were very much not sober. 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:04.240 Is that how it works? 0:21:05.119 --> 0:21:06.160 Have you ever heard of that? 0:21:06.720 --> 0:21:10.159 Well, you know, gay guys party hard, sometimes not all. 0:21:10.200 --> 0:21:13.200 I don't want to make generalizations, so and I would 0:21:13.240 --> 0:21:15.919 imagine that, Yeah, there can be pressure to sort of 0:21:16.240 --> 0:21:19.560 keep doing that, especially if you know your other half 0:21:19.640 --> 0:21:21.719 is still doing it. But I think as long as 0:21:21.720 --> 0:21:24.199 you communicate the fact that you have no problem with 0:21:24.320 --> 0:21:27.160 him having a good time and that you just are 0:21:27.240 --> 0:21:30.960 kind of, you know, shifting your behavior a little bit, 0:21:31.040 --> 0:21:32.639 it shouldn't be an issue. 0:21:32.920 --> 0:21:34.479 Yeah, I think that's a simple one. 0:21:34.600 --> 0:21:36.959 I think we've I think we uh, we're not going 0:21:37.040 --> 0:21:38.560 to talk as long as it took him to write 0:21:38.560 --> 0:21:39.000 that letter. 0:21:40.600 --> 0:21:42.919 Do you think he should still like go out, have 0:21:43.040 --> 0:21:44.800 a couple of mocktails and then be like, see you 0:21:44.880 --> 0:21:46.920 guys have fun getting shit faced, like I'm gonna. 0:21:46.720 --> 0:21:47.439 Go see a movie. 0:21:47.760 --> 0:21:50.440 Or is it sort of like say how many your jammies? 0:21:50.640 --> 0:21:52.880 Yeah? Yeah, totally, Like that's nice. 0:21:52.880 --> 0:21:56.080 That's a great suggestion, but go before everybody gets sloppy. 0:21:56.280 --> 0:21:58.720 The sloppy part, Like, I couldn't agree with you more. 0:21:58.760 --> 0:22:01.159 Nobody wants to be around a slop drunk, So I 0:22:01.160 --> 0:22:03.240 mean that might be a motivation for his partner to 0:22:03.359 --> 0:22:05.600 like not get so sloppy, you know, knowing how he 0:22:05.640 --> 0:22:07.120 feels or knowing that he's not going to be part 0:22:07.119 --> 0:22:07.679 of the equation. 0:22:07.800 --> 0:22:10.679 It becomes a little bit lonely. Yeah. 0:22:10.720 --> 0:22:15.320 Well, our first caller today is Amber. Amber says, dear Chelsea, 0:22:15.800 --> 0:22:18.159 I'm writing to you as a long standing good girl 0:22:18.240 --> 0:22:21.879 with codependent tendencies who's working hard to overcome my people 0:22:21.880 --> 0:22:25.080 pleasing ways, all while raising a little badass eight year 0:22:25.080 --> 0:22:27.879 old girl who has a strong ability to set boundaries. 0:22:28.200 --> 0:22:30.600 Say it like it is with no filter, steps toe 0:22:30.640 --> 0:22:33.080 to toe with anyone who challenges her, and is leading 0:22:33.119 --> 0:22:36.119 the rest of the second grade girls into her sassy ways. 0:22:37.000 --> 0:22:40.120 Problem is, I'm now discovering that she's not always using 0:22:40.119 --> 0:22:42.840 her power for good. She's the leader of the mean 0:22:42.880 --> 0:22:46.280 girls in second grade. Wow, I'm a long I know. 0:22:46.840 --> 0:22:49.639 I'm a long standing fan and admirer of women like 0:22:49.720 --> 0:22:52.479 my daughter, women like you who are comfortable in their 0:22:52.520 --> 0:22:54.800 skin and don't seem to give a shit what others think, 0:22:55.200 --> 0:22:57.600 free to set boundaries and live a life out loud. 0:22:57.880 --> 0:23:00.200 I love it, I admire it, and I'm working hard 0:23:00.280 --> 0:23:02.359 to be more like women like you and my daughter. 0:23:02.960 --> 0:23:05.800 Question is how do I raise my little badass to 0:23:05.800 --> 0:23:08.760 be powerful and kind? I don't want her to be 0:23:08.760 --> 0:23:11.840 the asshole of everyone's childhood, but seriously don't want to 0:23:11.840 --> 0:23:14.439 stunt her strength and power. What would you have wanted? 0:23:14.800 --> 0:23:18.480 Thanks for the laughs and inspiration, Amber, And she's joining us. 0:23:18.480 --> 0:23:21.199 Here, Hi Amber, Hi Chelsea, how are you? 0:23:21.480 --> 0:23:21.680 Hi? 0:23:21.800 --> 0:23:23.840 Billy Eichner's here as a special guest. 0:23:24.640 --> 0:23:25.840 Billy's so nice to meet you. 0:23:27.320 --> 0:23:28.240 That's so annoying. 0:23:28.480 --> 0:23:30.400 I mean, I know what you mean, but I don't 0:23:30.400 --> 0:23:32.840 think listen, I don't think of having a conversation about 0:23:32.920 --> 0:23:37.119 kindness is going to put out her flame for life. 0:23:37.640 --> 0:23:40.600 Kindness is part of being powerful, and I wish I 0:23:40.640 --> 0:23:42.880 had learned that lesson at a very early age. 0:23:43.119 --> 0:23:43.920 Was she bullied? 0:23:44.440 --> 0:23:47.040 You know, that's interesting. You should ask that she did 0:23:47.160 --> 0:23:49.560 deal with a bully a couple of years ago. And 0:23:49.800 --> 0:23:52.919 I think that what's happening is she's she's learned she 0:23:53.040 --> 0:23:55.800 is powerful, and so she's willing to step toe to toe. 0:23:56.200 --> 0:23:59.720 So she's also perceiving aggression when sometimes there isn't a 0:23:59.720 --> 0:24:02.560 gre I also think it goes a little bit deeper 0:24:02.560 --> 0:24:04.760 in one of the reasons. She's got some things going 0:24:04.800 --> 0:24:07.840 on in her world too that are upsetting her. And 0:24:07.880 --> 0:24:11.399 I think that she's trying to control things that she 0:24:11.520 --> 0:24:14.160 thinks she can control, and she's doing it because she's 0:24:14.280 --> 0:24:17.679 leading the all the girls in school to be mean girls. 0:24:17.760 --> 0:24:20.719 But her brother, she's really close to him. He's ten 0:24:20.840 --> 0:24:24.880 years older than her. He is leaving on a morm 0:24:24.920 --> 0:24:28.200 admission and he'll be gone for two years, and she's 0:24:28.280 --> 0:24:32.520 preparing for abandonment. And so she's got all these uncontrollables 0:24:32.560 --> 0:24:34.840 that are happening in her world right now. And so 0:24:34.960 --> 0:24:37.720 now I feel like she's punching back at the world 0:24:37.760 --> 0:24:41.040 when she's at school and controlling all the other girls 0:24:41.200 --> 0:24:43.679 and getting into you know, mean girl. 0:24:43.720 --> 0:24:46.800 Scenarios, right, and so have you had an open conversation 0:24:46.880 --> 0:24:49.320 with her about all of this. That's a good analysis 0:24:49.400 --> 0:24:51.720 of the situation, lots of conversations. 0:24:51.720 --> 0:24:55.199 But what I'm also starting to see is kind of 0:24:55.359 --> 0:24:56.919 she's starting to lose a little bit of a spark 0:24:57.040 --> 0:24:59.600 in her eyes. She's like, I'm tired of talking about 0:24:59.600 --> 0:25:00.000 being nice. 0:25:00.119 --> 0:25:00.239 Mom. 0:25:00.320 --> 0:25:03.160 I get it, but I mean we're in the principal's. 0:25:02.680 --> 0:25:04.000 Eye and it's not about being nice. 0:25:04.000 --> 0:25:05.919 I think maybe you should change the word to kind, 0:25:06.359 --> 0:25:08.119 because nice doesn't mean anything anyway. 0:25:08.160 --> 0:25:09.840 Who gives a shit if somebody's nice. I hate when 0:25:09.880 --> 0:25:12.720 people say, oh, she was so nice, Who cares? That's 0:25:12.760 --> 0:25:13.400 that memorable? 0:25:13.480 --> 0:25:16.560 It also feels deeply uncool, you know. 0:25:19.080 --> 0:25:20.520 Yes, it feels deeply uncool. 0:25:20.600 --> 0:25:24.359 But like, I think, what would be a good conversation 0:25:24.440 --> 0:25:26.359 to have, and tell me if I'm repeating something you've 0:25:26.400 --> 0:25:29.439 already said, is using all that power she has and 0:25:29.440 --> 0:25:34.000 that personality for good rather than bad, you know, using 0:25:34.040 --> 0:25:36.560 that to look at the power she has. 0:25:36.600 --> 0:25:37.760 She's a leader, She's. 0:25:37.560 --> 0:25:40.000 Got all these girls behind her, and she's setting the 0:25:40.000 --> 0:25:43.720 tone for how everybody's going to be treated. Wouldn't she 0:25:43.800 --> 0:25:45.919 want to be the good witch instead of the bad witch? 0:25:46.400 --> 0:25:49.280 She did tell me just yesterday, she said, I feel 0:25:49.320 --> 0:25:52.800 like I have an anger. I feel like I'm mad 0:25:52.880 --> 0:25:56.159 inside and I need to get it out. And I 0:25:56.160 --> 0:25:57.880 know she's got a friend that's in therapy, so she's 0:25:57.880 --> 0:26:00.400 actually been talking about that, But I don't know point 0:26:00.400 --> 0:26:01.160 we figure that out. 0:26:01.240 --> 0:26:03.359 No, I think you listen, you have a responsibility to 0:26:03.400 --> 0:26:06.120 the other little kids at that school to get her help, 0:26:06.280 --> 0:26:10.280 because that's not fair. Bullies ruin people's lives. There are 0:26:10.320 --> 0:26:12.240 things that happen as a child that are cemented in 0:26:12.280 --> 0:26:14.960 your brain that are traumatizing when you are attacked by 0:26:15.040 --> 0:26:18.639 another kid at school, whether it's verbally, emotionally, physically, whatever. 0:26:19.080 --> 0:26:21.600 But you you have a responsibility to everybody else to 0:26:21.680 --> 0:26:23.600 make sure you get her on the straight and narrow. 0:26:23.880 --> 0:26:26.960 And yes, you absolutely must bring her to therapy right 0:26:26.960 --> 0:26:29.680 away because you don't want her growing up and being 0:26:29.840 --> 0:26:30.160 like that. 0:26:30.320 --> 0:26:32.280 You know what I mean? How old is she again? Eleven? 0:26:33.040 --> 0:26:37.439 Eight? Wow? Is she on social media yet? 0:26:38.000 --> 0:26:38.200 No? 0:26:38.480 --> 0:26:40.639 Good? Good keep her off of that. 0:26:40.640 --> 0:26:43.040 That'll only make it worse, So go to therapy. 0:26:43.160 --> 0:26:47.040 Now, yeah, you have to have I think you've got 0:26:47.080 --> 0:26:50.480 to switch your your approach as well, because obviously what 0:26:50.520 --> 0:26:52.480 you're saying is falling on deaf ears, which is a 0:26:52.560 --> 0:26:54.720 natural thing to happen between a parent and a child. 0:26:55.119 --> 0:26:57.840 But I think you should also switch your terminology and 0:26:58.080 --> 0:27:01.399 talk about kindness and spreading you and spreading love and 0:27:01.440 --> 0:27:03.040 not in a way that she's gonna be like it's 0:27:03.040 --> 0:27:06.240 so stupid. It's like, use examples of people that are 0:27:06.280 --> 0:27:08.919 doing that, you know, on a grand scale. Think of 0:27:09.000 --> 0:27:12.280 people that she looks up to that would never tolerate 0:27:12.359 --> 0:27:15.840 her that behavior. You know, who does she admire Taylor Swift? 0:27:15.920 --> 0:27:17.120 Is she into Miley Cyrus? 0:27:17.160 --> 0:27:17.800 What's she into? 0:27:18.320 --> 0:27:20.280 I don't think she's exposed to them as much. I 0:27:20.280 --> 0:27:22.480 have a good friend Diana, who she really admires that 0:27:22.800 --> 0:27:25.200 I could really lean into. And Diana is all love 0:27:25.240 --> 0:27:28.000 and all kindness and all joy. So that's a really 0:27:28.040 --> 0:27:30.119 good point of thinking of mentors that she has in 0:27:30.160 --> 0:27:32.280 her life that she does admire that are kind. 0:27:32.960 --> 0:27:33.560 Yeah. 0:27:33.640 --> 0:27:36.600 When I was really irresponsible at a point in my life, 0:27:36.680 --> 0:27:39.639 I was just I didn't give a shit about my family. 0:27:39.680 --> 0:27:41.600 I was rebelling rebelling, rebelling my. 0:27:41.680 --> 0:27:44.000 Sister, my oldest sister, who's the person in my family 0:27:44.000 --> 0:27:46.960 I respect the most. She sat me down and said 0:27:46.960 --> 0:27:49.560 to me, like, you're going down the wrong road. This 0:27:49.600 --> 0:27:52.200 is your opportunity right now, and this is your last chance. 0:27:52.400 --> 0:27:54.879 You either stay with the family or we're not going 0:27:54.920 --> 0:27:57.240 to put up with us anymore. I was like seventeen, 0:27:57.320 --> 0:28:00.359 eighteen years old, but I was bad, and that changed 0:28:00.359 --> 0:28:02.560 my life because I respected her the most. 0:28:02.560 --> 0:28:03.600 She had never said anything. 0:28:03.640 --> 0:28:06.680 She just showed me unconditional love, unconditional love, and that 0:28:06.720 --> 0:28:09.359 didn't deter me. That didn't change my course because she 0:28:09.440 --> 0:28:11.720 was just showing me so much love, and until she 0:28:11.840 --> 0:28:14.840 threatened to turn that love off, even though that would 0:28:14.840 --> 0:28:17.919 be impossible, I believed it and I got scared. So 0:28:18.040 --> 0:28:20.040 I think you have to find the person that you're 0:28:20.040 --> 0:28:22.240 talking about. You have to get her into therapy. That's 0:28:22.640 --> 0:28:26.320 not a question, And you have to have different conversations 0:28:26.359 --> 0:28:28.960 around the subject matter because your approach isn't working and 0:28:29.000 --> 0:28:31.280 she's not listening to you in that way. It has 0:28:31.320 --> 0:28:33.679 to be spoken to her. I would enlist your friend 0:28:34.119 --> 0:28:36.880 try and do it that way. But also, you know, 0:28:37.240 --> 0:28:40.040 read some books about children and their anger and how 0:28:40.080 --> 0:28:42.440 to exhaust it, you know, so she's not taking it 0:28:42.480 --> 0:28:44.400 out on other people. And there are a lot of 0:28:44.440 --> 0:28:45.360 movies about. 0:28:45.080 --> 0:28:46.160 Bullying, you know. 0:28:46.480 --> 0:28:48.360 I mean, Mean Girls is a great one. But she 0:28:48.440 --> 0:28:50.440 probably might see that at this point and think, I 0:28:50.560 --> 0:28:52.320 like that. I want to be one of those girls, 0:28:52.840 --> 0:28:54.720 and you want her to actually see the light. 0:28:55.000 --> 0:28:55.760 Were you bullied? 0:28:56.360 --> 0:29:01.720 Not significantly, which is surprising considering I was pretty obviously gay, 0:29:02.120 --> 0:29:03.680 But I think you know, I grew up in New 0:29:03.760 --> 0:29:07.200 York City, and I think that helped the cause. Yeah, 0:29:07.240 --> 0:29:09.640 you know, I was bullied a little bit, but not 0:29:09.640 --> 0:29:10.600 not extensively. 0:29:10.840 --> 0:29:12.400 I was very lucky in that way. 0:29:13.320 --> 0:29:16.280 So I think, listen, anyone who's a bully was bullied. 0:29:16.400 --> 0:29:17.320 That's what happens. 0:29:17.480 --> 0:29:20.000 I was bullied. I became a bully. But you have 0:29:20.120 --> 0:29:22.960 to dismantle that, and you have somebody, and have somebody 0:29:22.960 --> 0:29:25.320 who's a professional deal with it, because you know you're 0:29:25.320 --> 0:29:27.800 coming up empty handed. And she's eight years old, and 0:29:27.800 --> 0:29:29.960 this is really the time between eight and eleven that 0:29:30.000 --> 0:29:32.560 you want to get girls in their heads to be kind. 0:29:32.840 --> 0:29:35.480 Agreed, Yeah, And just as a couple of ways to 0:29:35.600 --> 0:29:39.280 help sort of exhaust that anger and let her have 0:29:39.400 --> 0:29:42.200 an outlet for that anger. This might be a one 0:29:42.280 --> 0:29:44.560 or two time thing, but I know when my niece 0:29:44.560 --> 0:29:47.320 and nephew had a loss in their family, my nephew 0:29:47.360 --> 0:29:49.800 had so much pent up anger and he said to 0:29:49.840 --> 0:29:51.840 my sister one day, He's like, I just feel like 0:29:51.880 --> 0:29:55.000 I want to break something. And so she went out 0:29:55.120 --> 0:29:57.760 to the thrift store and bought a whole bunch of plates, 0:29:58.080 --> 0:30:00.280 and we all put on our safety glasses and we 0:30:00.360 --> 0:30:02.680 grab these plates and we like threw them down on 0:30:02.760 --> 0:30:05.400 the ground and just broke plates. And it was so 0:30:06.120 --> 0:30:09.840 such a relief to sort of express that anger. But 0:30:09.920 --> 0:30:11.720 maybe there are other things that are more long term. 0:30:11.920 --> 0:30:14.560 Like I mean, eight is probably young for a girl 0:30:14.560 --> 0:30:17.800 to start boxing, but like some other physical activity, they'll 0:30:17.840 --> 0:30:19.880 allow her to sort of get some of that aggression 0:30:19.960 --> 0:30:23.239 out of her body rather than sort of trapping it 0:30:23.240 --> 0:30:25.600 inside where it comes out in these nasty ways. In addition, 0:30:25.640 --> 0:30:27.440 of course, to a therapist. 0:30:27.360 --> 0:30:31.120 And I say, it's an emergent situation because eight years old, 0:30:31.360 --> 0:30:33.440 you shouldn't even know how to be that mean yet, 0:30:33.680 --> 0:30:34.360 you know what I mean? 0:30:34.480 --> 0:30:37.480 An eight year old throwing plates. 0:30:37.960 --> 0:30:39.200 While she has her safety goggles. 0:30:39.320 --> 0:30:40.360 Don't forget about that part. 0:30:41.280 --> 0:30:42.920 I don't know where did she get the safety goggles 0:30:42.920 --> 0:30:45.120 at the thrift store too, because who has safety. 0:30:44.880 --> 0:30:46.640 Goggles lying around in the carpenter? 0:30:47.760 --> 0:30:50.480 But yes, please get enlist other people to help you, 0:30:50.480 --> 0:30:53.280 you know, and get on it right away. And I 0:30:53.320 --> 0:30:55.760 know you are, and I know you're trying to figure 0:30:55.760 --> 0:30:57.880 it out because it's embarrassing to have a kid that's 0:30:57.920 --> 0:30:58.560 acting like that. 0:30:58.680 --> 0:31:01.240 I'm sure you're dealing with all these other parents. 0:31:00.880 --> 0:31:04.680 And and her father and I are both kind of 0:31:04.680 --> 0:31:06.719 at a loss, like, oh my gosh, what's happening. We 0:31:06.760 --> 0:31:09.520 are having all these conversations, and candidly, we just found 0:31:09.520 --> 0:31:12.959 out about the level of what's happening. We thought it 0:31:13.040 --> 0:31:15.720 was just drama, just girl drama, and we found out 0:31:15.800 --> 0:31:19.640 on Saturday that I'm actually the ring leader of mean girls. 0:31:20.240 --> 0:31:24.440 And so I appreciate your rapid response. Forty. I'm getting 0:31:24.520 --> 0:31:25.760 great advice from. 0:31:25.600 --> 0:31:27.520 You, and also talk to the teachers at the school 0:31:27.560 --> 0:31:29.640 and the counselors at the school and how and come 0:31:29.720 --> 0:31:32.200 up with a plan that you guys are all coordinated on, 0:31:32.280 --> 0:31:34.120 you know what I mean, Because there has to be 0:31:34.200 --> 0:31:36.880 repercussions for her bad behavior, and there has to be 0:31:36.920 --> 0:31:39.440 a form of punishment, and that you're working with the 0:31:39.480 --> 0:31:43.080 teachers and that there are eyes everywhere will have an 0:31:43.120 --> 0:31:45.640 impact on an eight year old, you know, as soon 0:31:45.640 --> 0:31:48.080 as she starts paying the price for her behavior and 0:31:48.120 --> 0:31:50.840 realizes popularity isn't you know, she's not gonna want to 0:31:50.880 --> 0:31:53.120 stay after school. She's not gonna want to get punished 0:31:53.120 --> 0:31:55.920 when she comes home. So have you exercised any of 0:31:55.960 --> 0:31:56.840 those options yet? 0:31:57.480 --> 0:32:00.000 I am following up and saying no, I want her 0:32:00.120 --> 0:32:02.640 one on one with the school counselor to discuss this specifically, 0:32:02.680 --> 0:32:05.520 they do friendship circles that I requested before. 0:32:05.200 --> 0:32:07.400 The end of the school year. Good because I don't really. 0:32:07.240 --> 0:32:09.640 Worried about one girl in particular that's been targeted. 0:32:10.280 --> 0:32:12.680 Yeah, well, get on it and spend your summer working 0:32:12.720 --> 0:32:14.480 on her, you know, and spend as much time as 0:32:14.480 --> 0:32:16.600 you can with her, because a lot of that probably 0:32:16.640 --> 0:32:20.880 comes from you know, I think girls can easily not easily, 0:32:21.000 --> 0:32:24.680 but girls and their moms. There's just a huge healing 0:32:25.240 --> 0:32:28.480 effect that being around your mom has. I mean even 0:32:28.520 --> 0:32:31.080 little boys, especially at that age. You know, Just spend 0:32:31.080 --> 0:32:33.040 as much one on one time with her as you can, 0:32:33.120 --> 0:32:37.000 and be as communicative as you can, and engage as 0:32:37.040 --> 0:32:39.479 much as you can with therapists and help and you know, 0:32:39.680 --> 0:32:42.800 hopefully over the summer you can make some major improvements. 0:32:43.040 --> 0:32:45.200 Yeah. Was that helpful to you at all? 0:32:46.040 --> 0:32:49.200 Yeah, it really is. I think really supporting that idea 0:32:49.200 --> 0:32:51.480 of like, we got to get into therapy sooner than later, 0:32:51.560 --> 0:32:54.520 because you know, I'm doing all the things, saying things, 0:32:54.560 --> 0:32:59.040 I'm highly communicative, but I need backup. I need that village. 0:32:59.120 --> 0:33:01.800 I need to start building a village around her because 0:33:01.840 --> 0:33:04.000 I her father and I can't do it on her own. 0:33:04.120 --> 0:33:05.000 Need we need backup. 0:33:05.240 --> 0:33:06.760 Yeah, yeah, and that's okay. 0:33:06.800 --> 0:33:09.400 And also being communicative with the other parents that you're 0:33:09.400 --> 0:33:11.520 working on it, you know, so that they you can 0:33:11.520 --> 0:33:13.640 alay some of their fears, because it's so scary for 0:33:13.680 --> 0:33:15.320 other parents to have to deal with that. I was 0:33:15.400 --> 0:33:17.720 just in a doctor's appointment yesterday and he was talking 0:33:17.800 --> 0:33:20.920 about this poor girl. She's eleven and she got kicked 0:33:20.920 --> 0:33:22.480 out of her friend group and now she's in a 0:33:22.520 --> 0:33:24.680 new friend group and the old friend group is making 0:33:24.680 --> 0:33:26.040 the new friend group dumper too. 0:33:26.160 --> 0:33:27.240 Oh god, And I. 0:33:27.240 --> 0:33:29.920 Was just like, oh my god, it makes my vagina 0:33:29.960 --> 0:33:33.360 shut tight, Like the idea of children going through this 0:33:33.480 --> 0:33:36.080 is just heartbreaking, you know, on both. 0:33:35.960 --> 0:33:40.800 Ends, it is I'm also concerned about the Mormon mission, 0:33:40.960 --> 0:33:41.880 just for the records. 0:33:42.080 --> 0:33:43.480 All right, we'll get to that next. 0:33:45.320 --> 0:33:47.680 Okay, good, we'll talk about that later. 0:33:48.160 --> 0:33:49.640 Are you not Mormon? 0:33:50.360 --> 0:33:52.240 Now? 0:33:52.400 --> 0:33:54.560 Why is he going on at Mormon mission if you're 0:33:54.600 --> 0:33:55.280 not Mormon? 0:33:55.480 --> 0:33:58.640 Oh my god, I was trying to respect. 0:33:58.880 --> 0:34:01.040 I could feel Chelsea each to be polite. 0:34:01.520 --> 0:34:04.600 I'm healing. It's post post Mormon healing for me, my friends. 0:34:04.760 --> 0:34:07.000 So my sisters are recovering Mormon. 0:34:07.360 --> 0:34:09.040 Your kids have a lot going on. 0:34:09.320 --> 0:34:11.200 They called him to New Zealand, which is a really 0:34:11.239 --> 0:34:14.239 cool place. So I was like, I was hoping he'd 0:34:14.280 --> 0:34:15.640 back out, but not no. 0:34:15.800 --> 0:34:18.759 Leck so far, How did can I just how did 0:34:18.760 --> 0:34:20.680 he find Mormonism without you guys? 0:34:21.320 --> 0:34:24.800 Well, I grew up Mormon and left the church gosh 0:34:24.880 --> 0:34:27.520 till twelve years ago or something. But his father's still active. 0:34:27.680 --> 0:34:30.880 And so he through COVID, went up to Canada and 0:34:31.000 --> 0:34:33.239 is in Canada now, and went to high school there 0:34:33.239 --> 0:34:35.839 and it's a very predominantly Mormon community and that's where 0:34:35.880 --> 0:34:39.440 he found community and belonging was in the church and 0:34:39.480 --> 0:34:43.160 with his friends that are members, and so he's fully indoctrinated. 0:34:43.360 --> 0:34:43.920 And it is. 0:34:46.080 --> 0:34:48.040 Said it's another issue all right in. 0:34:49.360 --> 0:34:50.960 Yeah, well, I guess we'll all talk to you next week. 0:34:51.080 --> 0:34:55.400 Send him to a therapist too, while you're yeah. 0:34:54.400 --> 0:34:56.040 And me, all three of us. 0:34:55.960 --> 0:34:57.560 We all need yeah you that's healthy. 0:34:57.719 --> 0:35:03.360 It sounds like you do there. All right, Well, it 0:35:03.400 --> 0:35:05.359 was nice to speak with you. Thanks for calling in. 0:35:05.880 --> 0:35:11.040 Thanks thanks Samber. What about an eight year old bully? 0:35:11.640 --> 0:35:12.319 What about that? 0:35:12.520 --> 0:35:15.160 How did would she even learn I don't be me 0:35:15.320 --> 0:35:16.480 because someone did it to her? 0:35:16.640 --> 0:35:17.520 That's all right? 0:35:17.680 --> 0:35:20.760 Yeah right, yeah, but I like your idea about movies 0:35:20.760 --> 0:35:23.600 and like fill her summer reading list with all Judy 0:35:23.640 --> 0:35:26.319 bloom books, bully books, all this stuff, because when you 0:35:26.360 --> 0:35:29.279 see how awful it is, you don't want to be that. 0:35:29.360 --> 0:35:32.160 Like my one girlfriend, her kid's eleven, she's like, being 0:35:32.200 --> 0:35:34.279 called a bully is the worst thing you can get 0:35:34.280 --> 0:35:35.200 called at this school. 0:35:35.440 --> 0:35:36.600 I told my friend the other day. 0:35:36.640 --> 0:35:38.200 She was harassing me about something and I was like, 0:35:38.239 --> 0:35:39.640 you're being a bully, and she goes. 0:35:39.920 --> 0:35:42.880 Don't ever say that. I was like, oh god, sorry, 0:35:42.960 --> 0:35:45.080 that hit a little too close to home. I guess. 0:35:49.239 --> 0:35:49.399 Well. 0:35:49.400 --> 0:35:54.239 Our next caller is Alan. Alan says, dear Chelsea, I'm 0:35:54.239 --> 0:35:56.560 a gay male in my thirties and I've found myself 0:35:56.560 --> 0:35:58.840 in a bit of a strange, disorienting space when it 0:35:58.880 --> 0:36:02.319 comes to relationships, including friends. I guess I had my 0:36:02.480 --> 0:36:05.720 share of fun times and entry level relationships in college 0:36:06.000 --> 0:36:08.000 and through most of my twenties when I found my 0:36:08.040 --> 0:36:11.239 first real relationship that brought me into my thirties after 0:36:11.280 --> 0:36:14.360 a brief break. I was blindsided with an unforeseen relationship 0:36:14.360 --> 0:36:16.880 break in the first year of COVID. It ended with 0:36:16.960 --> 0:36:19.319 him cheating on me probably sixty percent of the time 0:36:19.360 --> 0:36:21.960 while I was recovering from a physical accident. It was 0:36:21.960 --> 0:36:25.440 my first time being cheated on. I've always been self sufficient, 0:36:25.520 --> 0:36:28.080 and I get older, I don't seem to have much 0:36:28.080 --> 0:36:31.320 of a sexual drive for just hookups less I decided 0:36:31.360 --> 0:36:33.960 to take time for just me again. Now I'm in 0:36:34.000 --> 0:36:36.560 the spot where I've been putting my dating feelers out again, 0:36:36.640 --> 0:36:38.719 But most of the guys I find turn out to 0:36:38.760 --> 0:36:41.799 be boring or way too simple. I followed you for 0:36:41.840 --> 0:36:43.719 a long time, and I've always thought I'd also have 0:36:43.760 --> 0:36:46.719 a similar trail of being an independent, single boss. But 0:36:46.760 --> 0:36:49.239 I can't shake this craving. I'd hook up more, but 0:36:49.320 --> 0:36:52.560 men are so predictable and boring, lackluster sex and lame 0:36:53.160 --> 0:36:55.719 what do you think is my relationship block? Have you 0:36:55.760 --> 0:36:58.640 had times like this before in your life? Love you? Alan? 0:36:58.760 --> 0:36:59.840 A gay and a gay city? 0:37:00.400 --> 0:37:02.240 Hi Alan, Hi Alan? 0:37:03.040 --> 0:37:08.000 Oh my gosh, Alan, we have Billy here today, Billy Eichner. 0:37:07.520 --> 0:37:10.360 For you, of course it would be Billy especial. 0:37:11.440 --> 0:37:13.120 Are those headphones on your ears or is that a 0:37:13.160 --> 0:37:14.799 mullet that's coming down behind your neck? 0:37:14.920 --> 0:37:15.080 Oh? 0:37:15.160 --> 0:37:20.879 No, this is mullet baby. Oh yeah, the summer cut. 0:37:21.200 --> 0:37:22.040 That's cute. 0:37:22.320 --> 0:37:25.200 Okay, So well, your attitude is what's in the way. 0:37:25.239 --> 0:37:27.880 But that's okay because you're not you're I mean, you 0:37:27.960 --> 0:37:30.239 sound just slightly depressed. 0:37:30.560 --> 0:37:31.560 Do you feel depressed? 0:37:32.400 --> 0:37:34.879 No, not in any way. Okay, I kind of feel 0:37:34.880 --> 0:37:39.720 like a ghost a ghost, yeah, like not really a hermit. 0:37:39.840 --> 0:37:42.239 But I'm just kind of there. I'm just going out 0:37:42.360 --> 0:37:46.120 doing my thing, put myself out there. But I'm just 0:37:46.200 --> 0:37:49.239 really not interested in a lot of other people. I'm 0:37:49.320 --> 0:37:52.759 kind of just like so consumed and like becoming more 0:37:52.800 --> 0:37:53.680 of a better person. 0:37:54.280 --> 0:37:56.360 Oh well, then that's the opposite of depressed. 0:37:56.440 --> 0:37:57.680 Yeah. I think that's good. 0:37:57.719 --> 0:37:58.799 Actually, it is good. 0:37:58.880 --> 0:38:01.400 I mean that's great. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. 0:38:01.520 --> 0:38:03.759 I think there are periods of time. Listen, I have 0:38:04.280 --> 0:38:06.919 no desire to have sex with fucking anybody, And that's 0:38:06.920 --> 0:38:10.600 how I've felt for the last six months, probably just none. 0:38:10.760 --> 0:38:13.719 Like I have to make myself go and look for. 0:38:13.680 --> 0:38:15.920 Sex, yeah, and like set things up so that I 0:38:15.960 --> 0:38:18.480 can get sex because I don't want to forget. But 0:38:18.960 --> 0:38:21.000 I think that's a normal thing for people to go through, 0:38:21.120 --> 0:38:23.640 especially when you're doing some self reflection, and like in 0:38:23.680 --> 0:38:26.160 our work, I don't think that there's anything. 0:38:25.800 --> 0:38:26.359 Wrong with that. 0:38:27.000 --> 0:38:31.000 I think that society and culture, especially gay culture, sometimes 0:38:31.040 --> 0:38:34.759 makes you feel like you're supposed to always be on 0:38:34.880 --> 0:38:38.640 the hunt for like sex or a boyfriend or a 0:38:38.680 --> 0:38:43.200 relationship or something right, And we don't really talk about 0:38:43.239 --> 0:38:45.440 the periods of your life where you just sort of 0:38:45.560 --> 0:38:49.160 take for yourself. You know, that's not as sexy to 0:38:49.239 --> 0:38:52.680 talk about when you have those like introspective periods, especially 0:38:52.719 --> 0:38:55.640 in the gay world, where again especially on social media, 0:38:55.680 --> 0:38:58.000 everyone's like naked in they're here and you know, they're 0:38:58.040 --> 0:39:00.840 on vacation and they're with these guys, those guys, and 0:39:01.480 --> 0:39:03.920 I don't know, I think we need to value just 0:39:04.000 --> 0:39:07.839 as much the times that we're again being more introspective 0:39:08.040 --> 0:39:09.160 and self reflective. 0:39:09.520 --> 0:39:13.400 There's a season for sewing and there's a season for reaping. 0:39:13.560 --> 0:39:16.440 Like you're not always on the it's not always incoming. 0:39:16.520 --> 0:39:19.840 Sometimes it's outgoing, and sometimes it's just you and self reflection. 0:39:20.000 --> 0:39:23.000 Like that's very cyclical in all all of our lives. 0:39:23.000 --> 0:39:24.239 So you're not alone. 0:39:24.640 --> 0:39:27.560 Yeah, And I live in Austin, Texas, which is one 0:39:27.560 --> 0:39:30.880 of the gayest things. Yeah, so I'm surrounded by very 0:39:30.960 --> 0:39:33.759 much that where everything is so like sexually driven, and like, 0:39:34.120 --> 0:39:36.640 I want an open relationship. I wants many partners. I 0:39:36.719 --> 0:39:39.400 just need the sex, you know, and I'm just not 0:39:39.560 --> 0:39:40.720 for that at this age. 0:39:41.000 --> 0:39:43.360 And you really desire what your long term plan is 0:39:43.400 --> 0:39:44.960 to be in a committed relationship. 0:39:45.239 --> 0:39:50.040 Yeah, ultimately, uh huh. And really from my early twenties 0:39:50.080 --> 0:39:53.120 until now, I've been in a relationship. So I got 0:39:53.120 --> 0:39:56.080 my kind of hookup phase out of the way, established 0:39:56.120 --> 0:40:00.360 a really strong relationship that was really great, and I 0:40:00.400 --> 0:40:02.160 thought it was going to go somewhere, but we were 0:40:02.160 --> 0:40:05.600 on different pages and then was taking a break and 0:40:05.719 --> 0:40:09.360 immediately got sideswiped by a relationship during COVID, and so 0:40:09.400 --> 0:40:14.000 we were kind of stuck together necessarily. So since we 0:40:14.120 --> 0:40:16.440 broke up, I've been taking a lot more time for 0:40:16.560 --> 0:40:19.400 myself and I've really built myself up in a lot 0:40:19.440 --> 0:40:22.000 of different aspects in my life, and now I'm putting 0:40:22.000 --> 0:40:25.319 the feelers back out there, and it's just I don't know, 0:40:25.360 --> 0:40:30.239 I don't have any desire or nothing seems appetizing, for 0:40:30.360 --> 0:40:30.640 lack of. 0:40:30.600 --> 0:40:34.759 Better words, Well, I think oftentimes nothing is appetizing. Yeah, 0:40:34.960 --> 0:40:37.239 it can be a grind. It can feel like a chure, 0:40:37.800 --> 0:40:40.120 like another thing on your to do list, like go 0:40:40.200 --> 0:40:42.160 on dates, and that takes the fun out of it 0:40:42.200 --> 0:40:43.799 and the spontaneity out of it. 0:40:44.280 --> 0:40:46.600 So yeah, it's amost like another job exactly. 0:40:46.640 --> 0:40:49.080 It is another job, and then a relationship itself is 0:40:49.120 --> 0:40:52.120 another job, you know, and you have to be prepared 0:40:52.160 --> 0:40:54.760 for that and wanting that. I think it's perfectly fine 0:40:54.760 --> 0:40:57.240 and actually a good thing to be in a phase 0:40:57.280 --> 0:40:59.880 where you're not aggressively wanting that. 0:41:00.160 --> 0:41:04.040 Actually, yeah, I think you should embrace that, embrace like 0:41:04.080 --> 0:41:07.720 the moment that you're in and actually treasure it because 0:41:07.920 --> 0:41:11.279 you may not be single for very long, and you're 0:41:11.320 --> 0:41:13.359 certainly not going to be single forever. There are going 0:41:13.400 --> 0:41:15.200 to be people that come in and out of your life, 0:41:15.320 --> 0:41:17.960 so you want to really treasure this time alone with yourself, 0:41:18.000 --> 0:41:20.120 Like I have the best time with myself and I 0:41:20.120 --> 0:41:21.719 don't feel guilty about that at all. 0:41:22.680 --> 0:41:25.279 Yeah, me neither. But when I get on you know, 0:41:25.840 --> 0:41:28.120 dates or dating aps and they're like, what do you 0:41:29.080 --> 0:41:31.160 I've been asked like do you have any friends? And 0:41:31.160 --> 0:41:33.560 I'm like, of course I do. I just like myself, 0:41:34.600 --> 0:41:35.480 is there a problem with that? 0:41:36.040 --> 0:41:38.080 And why do people ask you if you have any friends? 0:41:38.400 --> 0:41:40.719 Because like what do you do? Well? I do a 0:41:40.760 --> 0:41:43.919 lot of things that involve myself. You know, I don't 0:41:43.920 --> 0:41:45.879 mind going out to eat by myself. I don't mind 0:41:46.520 --> 0:41:48.400 going to the library or a bar to read a 0:41:48.400 --> 0:41:49.280 book by myself. 0:41:49.440 --> 0:41:52.480 I like me, Yeah, well that's those are all healthy things. 0:41:52.480 --> 0:41:53.239 Those are good things. 0:41:53.320 --> 0:41:54.920 I don't understand what the problem is. 0:41:55.000 --> 0:41:56.960 I mean, you're just not attracted to people right now, 0:41:57.000 --> 0:41:59.520 and that's okay, that's okay. You have to give yourself 0:41:59.560 --> 0:42:02.719 permission to be in that phase without judging yourself for 0:42:02.760 --> 0:42:04.919 not being interested in sex, because that's what you're doing. 0:42:05.080 --> 0:42:07.120 You're kind of playing a game with yourself and a 0:42:07.120 --> 0:42:09.960 trick on yourself because you're like looking at society and 0:42:10.040 --> 0:42:11.920 what everyone's expecting of you and thinking you have to 0:42:11.920 --> 0:42:14.520 deliver to them, and really you only have to deliver 0:42:14.560 --> 0:42:17.960 to yourself, So enjoy this time, don't judge yourself, be like, 0:42:18.040 --> 0:42:19.480 this is what I'm going to do. Do you know 0:42:19.480 --> 0:42:21.360 how fucking healthy it is to go be able and 0:42:21.360 --> 0:42:22.480 read a book by yourself? 0:42:22.760 --> 0:42:26.520 And how people how few people can do that in 0:42:26.560 --> 0:42:27.080 this world? 0:42:27.520 --> 0:42:27.880 Yeah? 0:42:28.040 --> 0:42:29.000 Like that's awesome. 0:42:29.200 --> 0:42:31.600 And you're just think of this time as preparing for 0:42:31.640 --> 0:42:33.600 the person that you're going to end up with, Like 0:42:33.680 --> 0:42:35.920 you're doing the inner work and the self work and 0:42:35.960 --> 0:42:39.080 spending time alone to prepare for your long term relationship. 0:42:39.719 --> 0:42:42.920 I think being an extrovert is the counterpart of that. 0:42:43.160 --> 0:42:46.120 I don't need a relationship to make me feel fulfilled, 0:42:46.200 --> 0:42:51.960 but I recharge my battery with relationships and being around people. 0:42:52.480 --> 0:42:54.840 So I think that's what's getting me stuck where I'm like, 0:42:55.000 --> 0:42:58.280 I'm good with this, but I also want to recharge 0:42:58.280 --> 0:42:59.680 my batteries in a different way. 0:43:00.080 --> 0:43:03.840 Do you have like a circle of friends that you hang. 0:43:03.719 --> 0:43:07.319 With, Well, most of my people will have moved out 0:43:07.320 --> 0:43:12.200 of town. Oh so I really don't have anybody left. 0:43:12.680 --> 0:43:16.319 That might be the bigger issue. Because I'm a very 0:43:16.400 --> 0:43:19.360 social person. I rarely feel a need to go on 0:43:19.400 --> 0:43:21.680 a ton of dates or be in a relationship, but 0:43:22.600 --> 0:43:26.280 I couldn't exist without my friends around me. I really 0:43:26.280 --> 0:43:29.279 rely on them, you know, so that might be the 0:43:29.320 --> 0:43:33.000 bigger issue, you know, like where are you fulfilling that 0:43:33.080 --> 0:43:35.520 need to be social? Not to date someone or even 0:43:35.560 --> 0:43:37.560 go on a date or have sex, but to just 0:43:37.680 --> 0:43:40.520 interact with friends is really important. 0:43:41.320 --> 0:43:44.280 Yeah, most of my friendships right now are on the phone, because. 0:43:44.040 --> 0:43:46.320 They're all that's good. You should keep those going. 0:43:46.400 --> 0:43:49.080 Make sure you're having phone calls and facetimes or whatever 0:43:49.120 --> 0:43:51.759 you're into on a consistent basis. But you can go 0:43:51.800 --> 0:43:54.000 make friends in Austin. That's not going to be hard 0:43:54.280 --> 0:43:57.319 and it's important. I think Billy's exactly right, Like you're 0:43:57.440 --> 0:43:59.279 looking to fill a void and you're not really sure 0:43:59.280 --> 0:44:02.560 what that void is. And I think, yeah, you should 0:44:02.600 --> 0:44:06.080 work a little bit on making friendships rather than dating. 0:44:06.960 --> 0:44:07.879 Yeah, that's a good point. 0:44:08.120 --> 0:44:09.480 What do you do like to do? Do you do 0:44:09.560 --> 0:44:10.640 stuff outdoors? Hike? 0:44:11.000 --> 0:44:13.960 Do you are you into exercise? Are you into like chess? 0:44:14.040 --> 0:44:15.240 What's your story? 0:44:15.440 --> 0:44:18.400 Yes, So that's the other thing. I'm a very straight 0:44:18.920 --> 0:44:23.720 acting male. I come across a very masculine in my realm. 0:44:24.239 --> 0:44:26.840 I like the BMX, I like the outdoors, I like 0:44:26.880 --> 0:44:29.800 the camp, swim and the guys I've gone on dates 0:44:29.920 --> 0:44:32.759 with are like, I've never been camping before. I've never gone. 0:44:33.080 --> 0:44:35.880 I don't like swimming or I don't like hiking. Like 0:44:36.200 --> 0:44:39.680 what do you do? Just sit inside, go to the bar, 0:44:39.880 --> 0:44:41.239 Like that's basic to me. 0:44:41.560 --> 0:44:43.880 There are gay guys out there that like camping. 0:44:44.200 --> 0:44:46.640 I know many gay people who swim, who have the 0:44:46.719 --> 0:44:47.760 ability to swim. 0:44:48.920 --> 0:44:51.280 A ton of day swimmers. 0:44:51.360 --> 0:44:54.799 Yes, any swim team is full of closeted gay men. 0:44:55.640 --> 0:44:57.200 How old are you thirty five? 0:44:57.600 --> 0:45:01.080 Yeah, it can be hard to meet friends. That can 0:45:01.120 --> 0:45:03.760 actually be harder, I mean with for boyfriends and dating. 0:45:03.760 --> 0:45:06.120 While there's an ad, there's like a million apps, right, 0:45:06.400 --> 0:45:09.600 but just to meet friends, which I see a lot 0:45:09.680 --> 0:45:13.040 of people suffering from at all different stages of their lives, 0:45:13.280 --> 0:45:15.719 straight and gay and everyone. You know, it can be 0:45:15.760 --> 0:45:18.759 hard to meet friends. I know guys who when they 0:45:18.760 --> 0:45:21.400 move to a new city, gay guys, they'll join a team. 0:45:21.880 --> 0:45:24.279 You know, they'll be like a gay dodgeball team or 0:45:24.280 --> 0:45:27.399 a gay softball team or whatever it is. Gay campers, 0:45:27.440 --> 0:45:28.120 gay campers. 0:45:28.160 --> 0:45:31.799 I'm sure all of those things exist actually, and so 0:45:32.280 --> 0:45:33.799 I don't know, maybe maybe that's a. 0:45:33.960 --> 0:45:36.280 I think that you should join something you know, go online, 0:45:36.320 --> 0:45:39.680 do a little research either whether it's camping, swimming, hiking, 0:45:39.760 --> 0:45:43.479 whatever your outdoor stuff is that you've mentioned, and that's 0:45:43.520 --> 0:45:46.040 out of your comfort zone. So that's like a good step, 0:45:46.200 --> 0:45:49.600 like a proactive step towards addressing the issue, and that 0:45:49.760 --> 0:45:51.760 kind of I think you're feeling a little bit lonely, 0:45:52.360 --> 0:45:54.960 and do that, make active steps to just change your 0:45:55.000 --> 0:45:57.359 life in little small ways, and before you know it, 0:45:57.800 --> 0:46:00.520 you will develop friendships and you will have ale there 0:46:00.520 --> 0:46:03.399 and you'll probably worry a lot less about this relationship 0:46:03.440 --> 0:46:06.120 issue once you have some more community. 0:46:06.760 --> 0:46:08.600 Yeah. Now that they hear that, I think maybe I'm 0:46:08.640 --> 0:46:11.080 trying to fill two things instead of focus on one. 0:46:11.800 --> 0:46:13.799 Yeah, So can you do that? 0:46:13.880 --> 0:46:16.160 Can you go and just just go online after this 0:46:16.239 --> 0:46:20.359 call and just start researching hiking groups, camping groups, there's one, 0:46:20.400 --> 0:46:22.960 there's something for fucking everybody online, definitely. 0:46:23.440 --> 0:46:24.040 Yeah. 0:46:24.360 --> 0:46:27.279 Or just post on Instagram I have no friends or 0:46:27.360 --> 0:46:28.680 a or a book club. 0:46:28.800 --> 0:46:29.800 Yeah, that works. 0:46:30.360 --> 0:46:31.320 Looking for friends. 0:46:31.760 --> 0:46:34.920 Thank Chelsea Handler and Billy Eichner told me I need. 0:46:34.719 --> 0:46:35.720 To get some friends. 0:46:37.680 --> 0:46:38.439 I can do that. 0:46:39.520 --> 0:46:42.440 Yeah, yeah, but try not to judge yourself within the process. 0:46:42.560 --> 0:46:44.640 Just have a good time. You're going to meet some friends. 0:46:44.719 --> 0:46:47.399 You're going to meet a guy, and just you got 0:46:47.400 --> 0:46:49.640 to do a little bit of different stuff to get different. 0:46:49.320 --> 0:46:50.880 Results for sure. 0:46:51.040 --> 0:46:51.640 Yeah. 0:46:51.719 --> 0:46:56.200 Okay, well thanks for calling. I love your fucking mullet. 0:46:56.280 --> 0:46:57.200 Rock that out hard. 0:46:57.840 --> 0:46:58.479 It looks good. 0:46:59.600 --> 0:47:00.000 Thank you. 0:47:00.200 --> 0:47:01.960 Okay, bye bye. 0:47:03.000 --> 0:47:04.799 Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we're 0:47:04.840 --> 0:47:07.640 going to come back to wrap it up with Billy Eibner. 0:47:11.360 --> 0:47:12.160 And we're back. 0:47:12.680 --> 0:47:15.600 Well, that was all over the place, yeah, and then 0:47:16.560 --> 0:47:17.160 it Yeah. 0:47:18.160 --> 0:47:23.440 There have been so many articles lately about how loneliness 0:47:23.800 --> 0:47:27.239 is one of the biggest epidemics that we face, and 0:47:27.600 --> 0:47:32.520 and I think for especially younger people. It's everyone, actually, 0:47:32.560 --> 0:47:35.239 but at least people in our generation and older. We 0:47:35.480 --> 0:47:38.239 had to communicate with each other in person. We didn't 0:47:38.239 --> 0:47:42.400 have our phones, and so phones have replaced actual human 0:47:42.440 --> 0:47:45.879 interaction and it's kind of tricked people into thinking they 0:47:45.880 --> 0:47:49.160 don't need it or they're getting it, but they're not, like, 0:47:49.280 --> 0:47:53.239 that's not real human connection. And especially post COVID, I 0:47:53.280 --> 0:47:56.120 think people got stuck in their homes, you know, there 0:47:56.160 --> 0:47:58.880 is a little less socializing going on in certain places. 0:47:58.920 --> 0:48:02.759 Maybe it's it's really important right to get out there 0:48:02.800 --> 0:48:05.960 and meet people, not to date, just for friendship. 0:48:06.040 --> 0:48:07.839 Yeah, and also just to change it up. It's always 0:48:07.880 --> 0:48:10.000 good to challenge yourself. It's always good something to do. 0:48:10.120 --> 0:48:12.560 Like I would never want to join a book club 0:48:12.719 --> 0:48:15.320 or a hiking club, but if I were in that situation, 0:48:15.400 --> 0:48:17.920 I would make myself do that, you know, because it's 0:48:17.920 --> 0:48:21.160 about doing that, like you have to stretch a little bit, Billy. 0:48:21.200 --> 0:48:22.520 Thanks for coming in, Thanks. 0:48:22.320 --> 0:48:24.360 For having me in New York City on this beautiful 0:48:24.440 --> 0:48:25.440 summer day. 0:48:25.719 --> 0:48:28.280 Have a great afternoon, everybody. 0:48:29.760 --> 0:48:32.239 Okay, guys, we have added more shows to my Little 0:48:32.239 --> 0:48:35.479 Big Bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We added 0:48:35.480 --> 0:48:37.960 a second show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles, so 0:48:38.040 --> 0:48:41.440 that's October twelfth and Friday the thirteenth. We added a 0:48:41.480 --> 0:48:45.359 second show in Boston at the Waying Center September twenty 0:48:45.440 --> 0:48:47.680 ninth and thirtieth is two shows in New York. I 0:48:47.760 --> 0:48:50.160 also have a show in East Hampton, New York August 0:48:50.200 --> 0:48:53.520 twenty six. We added a second show in Portland, so 0:48:53.680 --> 0:48:57.719 Thursday November tewod Friday November third, and Portland November fourth 0:48:57.800 --> 0:49:00.560 and fifth. In San Francisco, two shows there. We added 0:49:00.560 --> 0:49:03.879 a second show with Seattle November tenth and eleventh. Two 0:49:03.920 --> 0:49:08.320 shows Boston are November sixteenth and seventeenth at the Boch 0:49:08.480 --> 0:49:13.840 Center at Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to Toronto 0:49:14.080 --> 0:49:22.480 and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville. 0:49:22.960 --> 0:49:25.760 So i will see everybody at all of these shows. 0:49:25.960 --> 0:49:26.480 Thank you. 0:49:26.520 --> 0:49:30.360 Get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com. 0:49:30.400 --> 0:49:32.800 If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email 0:49:32.840 --> 0:49:35.880 at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be 0:49:35.920 --> 0:49:38.960 sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited 0:49:38.960 --> 0:49:42.640 and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and 0:49:42.680 --> 0:49:45.120 be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot 0:49:45.120 --> 0:49:47.600 com