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Speaker 1: Hello everybody. Hello, Yo, Hi Chelsea, Hi, Hi, how are you?

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Speaker 2: Oh?

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Speaker 1: You know all over the shop? I'm all over the shop.

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Speaker 3: Indeed, Chelsea, can I ask you for a piece of advice?

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Speaker 3: Or really it's a general question for the Hoi POLOI

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Speaker 3: the hoy bleet, for our dear listeners. What's the ideal

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Speaker 3: length for a dinner with friends?

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Speaker 4: Well, if it's an obligatory dinner, okay, I would say

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Speaker 4: ninety minutes.

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Speaker 5: Okay.

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Speaker 1: I like to make a dinner two hours.

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Speaker 4: When you're with friends and it's not obligatory and you're

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Speaker 4: catching up, I would say two hours, two and a

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Speaker 4: half hours, okay. And if it goes anything longer than that,

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Speaker 4: you're having a fucking blast.

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Speaker 1: That is true. Lunch is better if it's obligatory, because

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Speaker 1: that can.

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Speaker 3: Be an yeah and everyone No one expects for that

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Speaker 3: to go to in a half hours, because people.

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Speaker 4: Got no, no, no, no, unless you're in Europe and everyone's

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Speaker 4: shit faced, which is my kind of LuFe shit.

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Speaker 3: So if you're ready for people to leave, Let's say

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Speaker 3: you had a dinner at your house, and.

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Speaker 1: I already that.

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Speaker 4: I don't do that anymore for that reason. But I

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Speaker 4: actually haven't had a house at a long time. I

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Speaker 4: mean I've been in that rental house. I was in

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Speaker 4: that rental house for two years, so I wasn't really

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Speaker 4: into entertaining there. I have had people over for dinner,

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Speaker 4: like for certain you know, but very casually, not dinner parties.

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Speaker 4: When I had my old house, I would I would

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Speaker 4: have dinner parties a lot. So I hope that when

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Speaker 4: I move into my new house, I will continue to

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Speaker 4: do the same thing.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure I.

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Speaker 4: Will, because then i'll have you'll have your own, my

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Speaker 4: own prime. And I don't like showing off a rental house,

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Speaker 4: right right, Not that I have people over to show

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Speaker 4: off my house, but there it feels more like you're

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Speaker 4: it's representative of.

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Speaker 1: Who you are, totally.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So like my rental house feels like I'm in an

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Speaker 4: apartment that I don't know about.

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Speaker 1: Like and I don't know my way around.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Well, and I know that when we were in MAYORCA

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Speaker 3: with you, when you were ready for the party to

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Speaker 3: be over or you were done with the dinner, you would.

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Speaker 5: Just go to bed, which yeah, yeah, I've done.

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Speaker 1: That's my move. I just go to sleep, And I

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Speaker 1: don't mind if people hang out without me. You know,

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Speaker 1: like at my house. Oh see that's great. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: what I'm done.

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Speaker 4: I mean, I do go to bed early, you know,

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Speaker 4: I typically like even, but in my Orca like early

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Speaker 4: is like eleven o'clock.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I don't stay up late. It's just not

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Speaker 1: my thing.

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Speaker 3: We've had a couple of times recently where we've had

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Speaker 3: people over and I'm like, okay, there's like the few

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Speaker 3: stragglers and I'm like, what is the thing that you

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Speaker 3: say to be like it's time to leave?

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Speaker 4: If you just have to say I'm wrapping it up.

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Speaker 4: You guys are welcome to stay, but I've got to

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Speaker 4: get into bed.

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Speaker 5: Oh I love that and I love it.

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Speaker 4: And then they can decide if they want to hang

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Speaker 4: out while you're in bed in your own house. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: you know which to me, Actually, I love having people around,

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Speaker 4: but it's like I'm not I can't be beholden too

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Speaker 4: the situation for too long.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I know what you mean. You kind of got

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Speaker 4: to get it rid of people sometimes.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Well, we have a very exciting guest today.

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Speaker 4: Oh yeah, very very funny. Little birdie in a tree.

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Speaker 4: His name you might recognize him from how many things?

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Speaker 4: As would you recognize he's an actor, writer, producer, Billy.

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Speaker 1: I can never well, I'm happy to see you you.

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Speaker 5: Ever be we've met, not in person.

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Speaker 1: I don't think it can't be possible, I know, but.

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Speaker 6: I don't think we did ever. Maybe No, wait, I

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Speaker 6: think we maybe did at March for our Lives in DC.

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Speaker 5: Okay, were you there?

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Speaker 1: Sounds about right?

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Speaker 6: Yeah, I think I met you very briefly. Wow, Charlie's

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Speaker 6: was there?

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Speaker 1: Yes, Yes, a group of us went.

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Speaker 5: We were like in a big group.

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Speaker 1: That's when marches first started happening again.

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Speaker 5: Now we're desensitized. Oh another march.

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Speaker 1: This world is so it is that we're living in

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Speaker 1: it is.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, the more depressing it becomes, the more optimistic

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Speaker 4: I become because I took good thing I have to.

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Speaker 4: I can't go down that road again from like when

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Speaker 4: I talk about that, I mean when Trump was president,

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Speaker 4: but all the dissension, the divisiveness, the hate, the meanness,

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Speaker 4: the discrimination, Like I can't even look at it for

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Speaker 4: too long.

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Speaker 1: And I've understood now how important is to.

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Speaker 4: Remain optimistic and invoke hope and other people, even if

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Speaker 4: it's faking it. I want other people to feel better

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Speaker 4: after they see me.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, No, you're right. I mean, God, who knew it?

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Speaker 6: March for our lives? Like how much worse it would be?

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Speaker 1: How much marching we were going to have to do

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Speaker 1: about everything?

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Speaker 5: Yeah, nothing is really a wake up call.

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Speaker 4: That's the problem, because everything is so ephemeral, and I

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Speaker 4: think that is a direct result of well, I would

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Speaker 4: say the Kardashians, but I would say more social media.

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Speaker 5: Right, I was just going to say it's social media.

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Speaker 4: Nothing seems important because no one cares about anything because

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Speaker 4: there's such an influx of information that who what are

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Speaker 4: you supposed.

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Speaker 1: To care about? And I'm happier like Billy Iikner. I

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Speaker 1: want to talk to you.

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Speaker 4: First of all, congratulations on the first major gay movie production.

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Speaker 5: Thank you.

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Speaker 4: I wanted to specifically talk to you about a scene

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Speaker 4: in the movie where you talk about confidence, huh, because

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Speaker 4: Catherine agreed that that was a very poignant part of

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Speaker 4: the movie. And I want to talk to you about

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Speaker 4: confidence because the conversation talks about whether you're faking it

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Speaker 4: or whether you have it, and I find those two

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Speaker 4: things to blend together a pretty right.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, you know, it is essentially fake it till you

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Speaker 6: make it, and anyone in show business understands that. I think,

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Speaker 6: I mean, you have to in order to keep going.

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Speaker 6: But I'm talking about how confidence is a choice like

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Speaker 6: any other, and it really is you have to wake

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Speaker 6: up and decide to be confident. It's not like you're

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Speaker 6: born with it.

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Speaker 4: You know, it's not a tree, not you guys. It's

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Speaker 4: not much more serious than that. But I do think

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Speaker 4: it's an interesting topic because there's arrogance, right, which is

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Speaker 4: different than confidence.

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Speaker 1: Arrogance.

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Speaker 4: I've been very guilty of arrogance in my life likewise,

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Speaker 4: and I've also had a lot of confidence too, And

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Speaker 4: some people say, oh, you know.

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Speaker 1: Those two things can get money as well.

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Speaker 4: And I think from an early age you kind of

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Speaker 4: decide what kind of person you are naturally, and as

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Speaker 4: you get older, you're kind of always if you're looking within,

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Speaker 4: you're trying to chip away or add and make that

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Speaker 4: person the potential of who you can be, right, the

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Speaker 4: best potential of who you can be. Yeah, So tell

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Speaker 4: me about your kind of experience with that.

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Speaker 1: Do you go to therapy? Do you have a therapist?

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Speaker 6: I do, although only I started therapy about a year

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Speaker 6: and a half ago for the first time ever in

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Speaker 6: my life, and I was always very pro therapy. I

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Speaker 6: lost both of my parents, but just even then, never

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Speaker 6: felt the need to go to therapy until about a

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Speaker 6: year and a half ago, and I'm glad that I did.

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Speaker 5: It's great.

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Speaker 4: How did you decide that you needed to go to therapy?

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Speaker 4: What was happening in your life that you decided, If.

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Speaker 6: You want to know the truth, it was. We had

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Speaker 6: just wrapped shooting. It was challenging. It was really hard,

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Speaker 6: and sometimes it would really stress me out, and my

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Speaker 6: anxiety about it was, I think, looking back, irrational sometimes,

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Speaker 6: but I just put so much pressure on myself and

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Speaker 6: I wanted it to be so many things, and that

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Speaker 6: movie had very specific challenges, you know, like stay honest

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Speaker 6: for the gay people and for yourself, but make it

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Speaker 6: clear for straight people and you know, not alienating. And

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Speaker 6: I lost sleep at night worrying about studio notes and

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Speaker 6: things like that. So I got through the writing process

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Speaker 6: we shot the movie. Shooting the movie was wonderful, and

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Speaker 6: the cast was incredible, and the whole cast was openly LGBTQ,

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Speaker 6: which never happens, and so the set felt felt very special.

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Speaker 6: We got to shoot it in New York that was magical.

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Speaker 6: But when we wrapped the movie. I was really worried

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Speaker 6: about the post production process and about editing the movie

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Speaker 6: because I thought, Okay, well, I was a co writer,

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Speaker 6: so I had some control over the script, and I'm acting.

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Speaker 5: In the movie.

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Speaker 6: I'm starring in the movie, and I've been on many

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Speaker 6: sets and I've acted in many things. So the shooting

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Speaker 6: of the movie I felt good about. But the editing process,

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Speaker 6: I thought, I don't have power here. Technically, I'm not

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Speaker 6: the director, I'm not an editor.

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Speaker 5: I'm an EP. But EP is kind of a bullshit thing.

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Speaker 6: And I thought, oh god, I'm going to lose control

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Speaker 6: of the movie over the quality of the movie, which

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Speaker 6: actually didn't happen at all, and so many things that

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Speaker 6: I it was interesting. So many things that I worried

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Speaker 6: about ended up being things I did not need to

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Speaker 6: worry about, and things I never really thought about ended

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Speaker 6: up being things maybe I should have thought about more.

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Speaker 6: But I got a therapist because I was so worried

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Speaker 6: about the post production, which is really where the movie

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Speaker 6: comes together. The movie can live and die in the

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Speaker 6: editing room, and I was so stressed about that that

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Speaker 6: I thought I am going to get a therapist. At

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Speaker 6: the beginning of this process to help me navigate all

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Speaker 6: of this, because there were times where I would get

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Speaker 6: into my car after a meeting or something and I

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Speaker 6: would like get into a fetal position. I was like

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Speaker 6: so stressed, and that's why I got a therapist, honestly,

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Speaker 6: was to guide me through that process. And I'm really

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Speaker 6: glad I did.

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Speaker 1: And within your therapy did the death of your parents.

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Speaker 4: Obviously that's something a topic that you have to discuss

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Speaker 4: in therapy, right How no were you?

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Speaker 2: Can?

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Speaker 1: I ask you how old you were?

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Speaker 4: Sure?

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Speaker 6: I was young when my mom died. I was twenty

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Speaker 6: years old when my mom died. I was in college

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Speaker 6: and it happened out of nowhere. She had a heart

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Speaker 6: attack and died. Which is that you know, people have

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Speaker 6: parents died at a younger age. It's very different to

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Speaker 6: have a parent die when you're five than to have

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Speaker 6: a parent die when you're twenty. I had my mom

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Speaker 6: through my formative childhood years and teenage years and she

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Speaker 6: was fantastic, But twenty is still young. And then my dad,

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Speaker 6: my dad was older than my mom, had me late

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Speaker 6: later in life, so he died about eleven twelve years ago.

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Speaker 6: He was eighty, you know, he wasn't young, but also

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Speaker 6: was somewhat unexpected.

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Speaker 5: He was pretty healthy for.

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Speaker 6: An eighty year old, and all of a sudden was

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Speaker 6: diagnosed with leukemia. The doctor said he has two to

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Speaker 6: nine months to live, and less than three months later

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Speaker 6: he was gone. So but you know, strangely enough, I

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Speaker 6: haven't really talked about that in therapy much.

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Speaker 1: Really.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, he's my.

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Speaker 6: Therapist, isn't very he'sn't like one of these like let's

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Speaker 6: deal with your childhood types of guys. It's more practical,

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Speaker 6: like the day to day Uh huh, you know, for

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Speaker 6: better or worse.

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Speaker 5: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I think I think all of that stuff.

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Speaker 4: You know, I think, well, when it happens when you're twenty,

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Speaker 4: I think you're still a baby. You know, that trauma

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Speaker 4: when someone's snatched away from you in your life, it

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Speaker 4: is definitely traumatic. But yeah, there are all sorts of

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Speaker 4: different types of therapy. From what I gleaned from therapy,

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Speaker 4: which was a lot.

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Speaker 1: If you don't deal with your.

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Speaker 4: Trauma, it will deal with you at a certain point,

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Speaker 4: and it'll deal with you in situations like you're talking about,

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Speaker 4: like where we get in our heads and we're totally

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Speaker 4: stressed out because our trauma does work for us for

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Speaker 4: a while, because that's your motivation. Like you almost have

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Speaker 4: more gas because you've been so hurt or you've.

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Speaker 1: Felt such loss that you're even more motivated.

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Speaker 6: Anger can be such a motivated factor. Yeah, both creatively

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Speaker 6: for me. I mean, I've really leaned into anger as

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Speaker 6: a comedic tool. Obviously I did in my early live

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Speaker 6: stage shows in New York, So that persona I realized

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Speaker 6: kind of early on, not as an actor per se,

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Speaker 6: but as a comedian. Once I had to generate my

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Speaker 6: own material, people really loved it. The angrier I got,

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Speaker 6: the more the audience loved it. And I thought, oh,

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Speaker 6: that's interesting because it's really not how I am in

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Speaker 6: real life. I know people always kind of don't believe that,

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Speaker 6: but if you know me, the whole angry thing, it's

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Speaker 6: very divorced from who I am in real life, and

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Speaker 6: yet I.

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Speaker 5: Can really turn it on.

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Speaker 6: I'm good at it from a performance standpoint, and people

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Speaker 6: really liked when I did it. And then behind the

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Speaker 6: scenes anger, the rejection and all of that, you know,

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Speaker 6: the oh I'm openly gay. I was always openly gay

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Speaker 6: at a time in comedy, you know, twenty plus years ago,

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Speaker 6: when there weren't many.

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Speaker 1: Of them, only tig. It was only tigh.

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Speaker 6: I mean literally there were a few. You know, Guy

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Speaker 6: Brandham was around, but I didn't know him.

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Speaker 1: I knew Guy, I knew guy I worked with me.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, of course, and so but at the time I

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Speaker 6: was looking around, you know, and I was I just

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Speaker 6: didn't have many gay peers in comedy.

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Speaker 5: Now there are so many.

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Speaker 6: I'm so like envious of these younger kids in comedy

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Speaker 6: because so many of them are gay, queer, non binary,

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Speaker 6: and they have each other to lean on and to

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Speaker 6: work with.

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Speaker 5: I didn't.

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Speaker 6: I didn't really have that, and yet that became a

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Speaker 6: motivating force. Like I remember, I had a manager in

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Speaker 6: New York, a straight woman actually, who told me that

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Speaker 6: she was going to invite a bunch of agents to

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Speaker 6: see me and asked me if I could make the

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Speaker 6: show less Gay that month, right, just flat out asked me.

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Speaker 6: That This was at a time. This is two thousand

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Speaker 6: and six, so you could still ask that question, I guess,

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Speaker 6: and not fear, you know that someone was gonna tweet

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Speaker 6: about it and destroy your career. And she was asking

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Speaker 6: me that because she wanted the best for me, and

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Speaker 6: she thought that was in my best interest, and I

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Speaker 6: did the show that month. The agents came and they

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Speaker 6: signed me, and it was, you know, worked out. And

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Speaker 6: she said to me, you know, I have to ask

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Speaker 6: the agents. Loved it, but I think you made the

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Speaker 6: show gayer this month than it's ever been. Why did

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Speaker 6: you do that when I asked you to do the opposite?

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Speaker 6: And I was like, I don't know. I mean I

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Speaker 6: didn't sit down and say I am going to rebel

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Speaker 6: against what you told me. But I think subconsciously maybe

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Speaker 6: I did. I always had that in me. It was

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Speaker 6: like I was that gay kid who like I loved

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Speaker 6: Madonna growing up and like she was so rebellious and

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Speaker 6: like I had that in me. And I also think

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Speaker 6: because my parents were so supportive as a kid, they

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Speaker 6: were so supportive and overprotective. It was I had a

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Speaker 6: lot of unconditional love as a kid, even as a

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Speaker 6: gay kid.

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Speaker 5: I was really lucky.

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Speaker 1: Even what age did you know that you were gay?

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Speaker 6: I mean, I don't remember the exact moment I thought,

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Speaker 6: oh I'm gay.

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Speaker 1: You know, tell you were gay?

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Speaker 5: Basically they knew.

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Speaker 6: I was like, you know, when you took me to

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Speaker 6: the you know, Barbar Streisan concert.

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Speaker 5: I think that you knew. Well, yeah, it was exactly.

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Speaker 6: The first guy I remember having a crush on was

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Speaker 6: this is funny Keith Hernandez of the nineteen eighty six

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Speaker 6: Oh I got that.

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Speaker 1: Was the year of the World Series.

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Speaker 5: Yes, and they won. And I grew up in Queens

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Speaker 5: where with Gary Carter.

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Speaker 1: I was obsessed with Gary Carter.

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Speaker 5: It was an amazing team. Let me extra all the mookie.

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Speaker 1: Well she became Coast Strawberry mookie.

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Speaker 5: That's right, Yes, they became awful people.

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Speaker 4: I remember seeing this like what it was before Cribs,

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Speaker 4: but whenever they showcased someone's house, and they were showcasing

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Speaker 4: Darryl Strawberry's apartment in New York City, and he had

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Speaker 4: white leather sofas everywhere, and the whole house was decorated

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Speaker 4: in a way. And even at that age, I was like,

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Speaker 4: this guy is doing cocaine. I could tell by his

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Speaker 4: furniture that he was fucking doing cocaine.

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Speaker 2: Oh.

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Speaker 6: Absolutely, and so and I remember a few years ago.

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Speaker 6: So my first crush was Keith Hernandez. This was nineteen

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Speaker 6: eighty six. I was eight years old, and I remember

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Speaker 6: and I at the time, I wouldn't have said like, oh,

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Speaker 6: I have a crush on him, but I remember just

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Speaker 6: being very drawn to him, like there was an attraction.

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Speaker 6: And I got so bummed because then a few years

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Speaker 6: ago I saw a photo of him and his wife

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Speaker 6: walking into mar A Lago. Of course, you know, it

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Speaker 6: was such a bummer, but yeah, him and John bon Jovi.

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Speaker 6: I really loved John bon Jovi as a kid.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well that's hard not to do.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, and he was great looking and.

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Speaker 6: So yeah and so yeah, I was always like a

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Speaker 6: little rebellious, and I think I needed that. That anger

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Speaker 6: was a motivating.

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Speaker 4: It's a driving factor for sure, because I never knew

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Speaker 4: what people said when like it works until it will

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Speaker 4: work for you until it doesn't. I never understood that

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Speaker 4: phrase until I experienced it myself. Because my anger, my

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Speaker 4: personality was a huge driving force gave me a lot

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Speaker 4: of success. And then all of a sudden, it was

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Speaker 4: a big dark shadow on me. You know, all of

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Speaker 4: a sudden, I felt like, wait, I have it. And

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Speaker 4: it was because I had unrealized you know, grief trauma.

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Speaker 4: My brother died when I was a little girl, so

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Speaker 4: it was all that stuff, and it's amazing how far

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Speaker 4: can take you.

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Speaker 1: It's just really is like lightning in a bottle.

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Speaker 4: When somebody's angry and wants to get away from their feelings,

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Speaker 4: they will become successful.

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Speaker 5: It's true.

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Speaker 6: But you have to be careful because it can end

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Speaker 6: up defining you too in a way that you're not

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Speaker 6: comfortable with.

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Speaker 4: Well, that's yeah, and especially if you don't make the

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Speaker 4: pivot or you don't like look in, you know, because

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Speaker 4: it isn't the most pleasant work all the time. Anyway,

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Speaker 4: We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back.

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Speaker 5: And we're back perfect.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 4: So we give advice to real live callers on this podcast,

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Speaker 4: so we have people call it hopefully curated towards Billy

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Speaker 4: and his gayness.

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Speaker 5: Oh boy.

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Speaker 3: Our first question comes from Trev. Trev says, Dear Chelsea,

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Speaker 3: First time, long time. I'm a gay man in my

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Speaker 3: early fifties, and I'm married to a man who is

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Speaker 3: five years my junior. The age difference doesn't really come

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Speaker 3: into play often, but I'm dealing with one area of

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Speaker 3: our lives that I'm starting to grow out of and

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Speaker 3: he isn't, and that is alcohol. Don't get me wrong,

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Speaker 3: I'm not a teetotaler. I've had plenty of wild years

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Speaker 3: in my life. You name it, I drank it, snorted it,

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Speaker 3: put it on my tongue, fucked it, and lived to

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Speaker 3: tell the tale. I don't judge, and I believe the

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Speaker 3: body and mind are fun toys and you should experience

401
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Speaker 3: all the things they can do while you're alive. But

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Speaker 3: as I'm getting older, I find myself moving away from

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Speaker 3: wanting all of that, partially because I don't have the

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Speaker 3: energy or patience to deal with hangovers anymore, and partially because,

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Speaker 3: let's face it, a sloppy, drunk fifty something man ain't cute.

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Speaker 1: Amen, sister Amen.

407
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,159
Speaker 3: Meanwhile, my spouse still loves to get trashed with buddies

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Speaker 3: on the weekends. I used to go along with it

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Speaker 3: and try to enjoy the raiders with him, but over

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Speaker 3: the past year or two I realized I honestly don't

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Speaker 3: enjoy getting drunk. I don't feel the need to chase

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Speaker 3: that buzz anymore. My husband isn't at that point yet.

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Speaker 3: Getting drunk is still kind of a hobby for him.

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Speaker 3: It's how he socializes with people. I don't think he

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Speaker 3: has any kind of serious problem, and he's responsible about

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Speaker 3: it generally. He's only a weekend day drinker, and his

417
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,159
Speaker 3: drinking has never compromised his job or our household. But

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Speaker 3: when he throws down, he really throws down. He knows

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Speaker 3: I'm trying to bow out of the heavy drinking lifestyle.

420
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Speaker 3: But he does provide a little pressure with like, you

421
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Speaker 3: haven't gone to the bar with me in a long time,

422
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Speaker 3: and our friends are starting to ask about you. I

423
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Speaker 3: certainly don't want to give up drinking altogether. I will

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Speaker 3: always like a glass of wine or a good craft cocktail,

425
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Speaker 3: but I feel like my mind and body are both

426
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Speaker 3: aging out of wanting to drink just to get drunk.

427
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Speaker 3: I'm really excited about the thought of hanging out with

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Speaker 3: friends without having to get shit faced. After writing all this,

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Speaker 3: I need a stiff drink of kamboo chap.

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Speaker 1: Thanks Trev.

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Speaker 6: I was gonna say she's still on adderall because that's

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00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,399
Speaker 6: a very long letter, and that's the.

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Speaker 5: Trimmed down version. Yeah, we got it.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, you don't want to drink as much as your

435
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,480
Speaker 6: boyfriend got Yeah, some of.

436
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Speaker 1: These are very long winded lately. Indeed, indeed, I'll go first.

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Speaker 4: I think that if somebody if you're not into drinking,

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Speaker 4: that's great, And if your partner is responsible and doing

439
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Speaker 4: all the right things, but just gets ship faced and

440
00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:39,120
Speaker 4: sloppy once a week. Then I think you can tolerate

441
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,000
Speaker 4: that and let him do his thing. He's going to

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Speaker 4: outgrow alcohol too. Probably it happens with age. You're not

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Speaker 4: as interested in getting shit faced when you're older.

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00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,680
Speaker 1: I mean most of the time.

445
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,520
Speaker 4: I think with most people, I'm trying to think of

446
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,240
Speaker 4: some old ship face drunks that I know, But I'm like, wait,

447
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:54,280
Speaker 4: I do.

448
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,480
Speaker 1: Actually know a couple old drunks. Of course I do.

449
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,800
Speaker 1: But yeah, I would say, let him do his thing.

450
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,760
Speaker 4: Nobody wants to be policed or told what to do

451
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,040
Speaker 4: within a relationship. And if you don't want to go

452
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:05,679
Speaker 4: to the bar with him, you could just totally be

453
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,679
Speaker 4: honest with him and say like, I'm not into that

454
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,920
Speaker 4: right now, and don't frame it as that forever. Frame

455
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,080
Speaker 4: it as right now, Like I'm just not interested in

456
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,320
Speaker 4: that right now. I'm not interested in getting sloppy drunk.

457
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,200
Speaker 4: And you know, who knows, maybe he'll be like, oh,

458
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:21,560
Speaker 4: you know, once it's out there, and you know, without

459
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,399
Speaker 4: judgment on him, you do your thing, let him do

460
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,840
Speaker 4: his thing, and as long as it's not interrupting your lifestyle,

461
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,600
Speaker 4: then there's really nothing for you to do except tolerate

462
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,400
Speaker 4: it and go do something else on a Saturday night,

463
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:32,320
Speaker 4: whatever you want to do.

464
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,879
Speaker 6: Yeah, I agree. I think not framing it as forever

465
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,560
Speaker 6: is really good advice. It could be tough in the

466
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:42,199
Speaker 6: gay world. I know, it's obviously alcoholism exists everywhere, but

467
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,080
Speaker 6: there's a lot of like social anxiety when gay men

468
00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:48,280
Speaker 6: get together. You know, it's very sexually charged, even if

469
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,800
Speaker 6: you're in a long term couple, you know, because that

470
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:54,080
Speaker 6: can be its own pressure. And you see a lot

471
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:57,679
Speaker 6: of jug and alcohol abuse in the gay world, you do.

472
00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:00,960
Speaker 6: I have a lot of sober friends. They're sober because

473
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,280
Speaker 6: for a long time they were very much not sober.

474
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:04,240
Speaker 1: Is that how it works?

475
00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:06,160
Speaker 5: Have you ever heard of that?

476
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,159
Speaker 6: Well, you know, gay guys party hard, sometimes not all.

477
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,200
Speaker 6: I don't want to make generalizations, so and I would

478
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,919
Speaker 6: imagine that, Yeah, there can be pressure to sort of

479
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,560
Speaker 6: keep doing that, especially if you know your other half

480
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,719
Speaker 6: is still doing it. But I think as long as

481
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,199
Speaker 6: you communicate the fact that you have no problem with

482
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:27,160
Speaker 6: him having a good time and that you just are

483
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,960
Speaker 6: kind of, you know, shifting your behavior a little bit,

484
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,639
Speaker 6: it shouldn't be an issue.

485
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,479
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's a simple one.

486
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,959
Speaker 4: I think we've I think we uh, we're not going

487
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,560
Speaker 4: to talk as long as it took him to write

488
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:39,000
Speaker 4: that letter.

489
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,919
Speaker 3: Do you think he should still like go out, have

490
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,800
Speaker 3: a couple of mocktails and then be like, see you

491
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,920
Speaker 3: guys have fun getting shit faced, like I'm gonna.

492
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:47,439
Speaker 1: Go see a movie.

493
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,440
Speaker 3: Or is it sort of like say how many your jammies?

494
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,880
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, totally, Like that's nice.

495
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,080
Speaker 4: That's a great suggestion, but go before everybody gets sloppy.

496
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,720
Speaker 4: The sloppy part, Like, I couldn't agree with you more.

497
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,159
Speaker 4: Nobody wants to be around a slop drunk, So I

498
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,240
Speaker 4: mean that might be a motivation for his partner to

499
00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:05,600
Speaker 4: like not get so sloppy, you know, knowing how he

500
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,120
Speaker 4: feels or knowing that he's not going to be part

501
00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:07,679
Speaker 4: of the equation.

502
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,679
Speaker 1: It becomes a little bit lonely. Yeah.

503
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:15,320
Speaker 3: Well, our first caller today is Amber. Amber says, dear Chelsea,

504
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,159
Speaker 3: I'm writing to you as a long standing good girl

505
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,879
Speaker 3: with codependent tendencies who's working hard to overcome my people

506
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,080
Speaker 3: pleasing ways, all while raising a little badass eight year

507
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:27,879
Speaker 3: old girl who has a strong ability to set boundaries.

508
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,600
Speaker 3: Say it like it is with no filter, steps toe

509
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,080
Speaker 3: to toe with anyone who challenges her, and is leading

510
00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:36,119
Speaker 3: the rest of the second grade girls into her sassy ways.

511
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,120
Speaker 3: Problem is, I'm now discovering that she's not always using

512
00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:42,840
Speaker 3: her power for good. She's the leader of the mean

513
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:46,280
Speaker 3: girls in second grade. Wow, I'm a long I know.

514
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,639
Speaker 3: I'm a long standing fan and admirer of women like

515
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,479
Speaker 3: my daughter, women like you who are comfortable in their

516
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,800
Speaker 3: skin and don't seem to give a shit what others think,

517
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,600
Speaker 3: free to set boundaries and live a life out loud.

518
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,200
Speaker 3: I love it, I admire it, and I'm working hard

519
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,359
Speaker 3: to be more like women like you and my daughter.

520
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,800
Speaker 3: Question is how do I raise my little badass to

521
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,760
Speaker 3: be powerful and kind? I don't want her to be

522
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,840
Speaker 3: the asshole of everyone's childhood, but seriously don't want to

523
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,439
Speaker 3: stunt her strength and power. What would you have wanted?

524
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,480
Speaker 3: Thanks for the laughs and inspiration, Amber, And she's joining us.

525
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,199
Speaker 7: Here, Hi Amber, Hi Chelsea, how are you?

526
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:21,680
Speaker 2: Hi?

527
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,840
Speaker 1: Billy Eichner's here as a special guest.

528
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:25,840
Speaker 7: Billy's so nice to meet you.

529
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:28,240
Speaker 1: That's so annoying.

530
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:30,400
Speaker 4: I mean, I know what you mean, but I don't

531
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 4: think listen, I don't think of having a conversation about

532
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:37,119
Speaker 4: kindness is going to put out her flame for life.

533
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,600
Speaker 4: Kindness is part of being powerful, and I wish I

534
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,880
Speaker 4: had learned that lesson at a very early age.

535
00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:43,920
Speaker 1: Was she bullied?

536
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,040
Speaker 7: You know, that's interesting. You should ask that she did

537
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,560
Speaker 7: deal with a bully a couple of years ago. And

538
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,919
Speaker 7: I think that what's happening is she's she's learned she

539
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,800
Speaker 7: is powerful, and so she's willing to step toe to toe.

540
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,720
Speaker 7: So she's also perceiving aggression when sometimes there isn't a

541
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,560
Speaker 7: gre I also think it goes a little bit deeper

542
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,760
Speaker 7: in one of the reasons. She's got some things going

543
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,840
Speaker 7: on in her world too that are upsetting her. And

544
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:11,399
Speaker 7: I think that she's trying to control things that she

545
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,160
Speaker 7: thinks she can control, and she's doing it because she's

546
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,679
Speaker 7: leading the all the girls in school to be mean girls.

547
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,719
Speaker 7: But her brother, she's really close to him. He's ten

548
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,880
Speaker 7: years older than her. He is leaving on a morm

549
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,200
Speaker 7: admission and he'll be gone for two years, and she's

550
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:32,520
Speaker 7: preparing for abandonment. And so she's got all these uncontrollables

551
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 7: that are happening in her world right now. And so

552
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,720
Speaker 7: now I feel like she's punching back at the world

553
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,040
Speaker 7: when she's at school and controlling all the other girls

554
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,679
Speaker 7: and getting into you know, mean girl.

555
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,800
Speaker 4: Scenarios, right, and so have you had an open conversation

556
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,320
Speaker 4: with her about all of this. That's a good analysis

557
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,720
Speaker 4: of the situation, lots of conversations.

558
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:55,199
Speaker 7: But what I'm also starting to see is kind of

559
00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:56,919
Speaker 7: she's starting to lose a little bit of a spark

560
00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,600
Speaker 7: in her eyes. She's like, I'm tired of talking about

561
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:00,000
Speaker 7: being nice.

562
00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:00,239
Speaker 2: Mom.

563
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,160
Speaker 7: I get it, but I mean we're in the principal's.

564
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,000
Speaker 1: Eye and it's not about being nice.

565
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,919
Speaker 4: I think maybe you should change the word to kind,

566
00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:08,119
Speaker 4: because nice doesn't mean anything anyway.

567
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,840
Speaker 1: Who gives a shit if somebody's nice. I hate when

568
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,720
Speaker 1: people say, oh, she was so nice, Who cares? That's

569
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:13,400
Speaker 1: that memorable?

570
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 5: It also feels deeply uncool, you know.

571
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,520
Speaker 1: Yes, it feels deeply uncool.

572
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:24,359
Speaker 4: But like, I think, what would be a good conversation

573
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,359
Speaker 4: to have, and tell me if I'm repeating something you've

574
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,439
Speaker 4: already said, is using all that power she has and

575
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:34,000
Speaker 4: that personality for good rather than bad, you know, using

576
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,560
Speaker 4: that to look at the power she has.

577
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:37,760
Speaker 1: She's a leader, She's.

578
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,000
Speaker 4: Got all these girls behind her, and she's setting the

579
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 4: tone for how everybody's going to be treated. Wouldn't she

580
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,919
Speaker 4: want to be the good witch instead of the bad witch?

581
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,280
Speaker 7: She did tell me just yesterday, she said, I feel

582
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,800
Speaker 7: like I have an anger. I feel like I'm mad

583
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,159
Speaker 7: inside and I need to get it out. And I

584
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,880
Speaker 7: know she's got a friend that's in therapy, so she's

585
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,400
Speaker 7: actually been talking about that, But I don't know point

586
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:01,160
Speaker 7: we figure that out.

587
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,359
Speaker 4: No, I think you listen, you have a responsibility to

588
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,120
Speaker 4: the other little kids at that school to get her help,

589
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:10,280
Speaker 4: because that's not fair. Bullies ruin people's lives. There are

590
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,240
Speaker 4: things that happen as a child that are cemented in

591
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 4: your brain that are traumatizing when you are attacked by

592
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,639
Speaker 4: another kid at school, whether it's verbally, emotionally, physically, whatever.

593
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,600
Speaker 4: But you you have a responsibility to everybody else to

594
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,600
Speaker 4: make sure you get her on the straight and narrow.

595
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 4: And yes, you absolutely must bring her to therapy right

596
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,680
Speaker 4: away because you don't want her growing up and being

597
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:30,160
Speaker 4: like that.

598
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,280
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? How old is she again? Eleven?

599
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:37,439
Speaker 5: Eight? Wow? Is she on social media yet?

600
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 2: No?

601
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,639
Speaker 1: Good? Good keep her off of that.

602
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 5: That'll only make it worse, So go to therapy.

603
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:47,040
Speaker 4: Now, yeah, you have to have I think you've got

604
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,480
Speaker 4: to switch your your approach as well, because obviously what

605
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,480
Speaker 4: you're saying is falling on deaf ears, which is a

606
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:54,720
Speaker 4: natural thing to happen between a parent and a child.

607
00:26:55,119 --> 00:26:57,840
Speaker 4: But I think you should also switch your terminology and

608
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:01,399
Speaker 4: talk about kindness and spreading you and spreading love and

609
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 4: not in a way that she's gonna be like it's

610
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:06,240
Speaker 4: so stupid. It's like, use examples of people that are

611
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,919
Speaker 4: doing that, you know, on a grand scale. Think of

612
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 4: people that she looks up to that would never tolerate

613
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:15,840
Speaker 4: her that behavior. You know, who does she admire Taylor Swift?

614
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:17,120
Speaker 4: Is she into Miley Cyrus?

615
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:17,800
Speaker 1: What's she into?

616
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,280
Speaker 7: I don't think she's exposed to them as much. I

617
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,480
Speaker 7: have a good friend Diana, who she really admires that

618
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,200
Speaker 7: I could really lean into. And Diana is all love

619
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:28,000
Speaker 7: and all kindness and all joy. So that's a really

620
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:30,119
Speaker 7: good point of thinking of mentors that she has in

621
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 7: her life that she does admire that are kind.

622
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:33,560
Speaker 1: Yeah.

623
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:36,600
Speaker 4: When I was really irresponsible at a point in my life,

624
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:39,639
Speaker 4: I was just I didn't give a shit about my family.

625
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,600
Speaker 1: I was rebelling rebelling, rebelling my.

626
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,000
Speaker 4: Sister, my oldest sister, who's the person in my family

627
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,960
Speaker 4: I respect the most. She sat me down and said

628
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,560
Speaker 4: to me, like, you're going down the wrong road. This

629
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:52,200
Speaker 4: is your opportunity right now, and this is your last chance.

630
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,879
Speaker 4: You either stay with the family or we're not going

631
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,240
Speaker 4: to put up with us anymore. I was like seventeen,

632
00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:00,359
Speaker 4: eighteen years old, but I was bad, and that changed

633
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:02,560
Speaker 4: my life because I respected her the most.

634
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:03,600
Speaker 1: She had never said anything.

635
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,680
Speaker 4: She just showed me unconditional love, unconditional love, and that

636
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,359
Speaker 4: didn't deter me. That didn't change my course because she

637
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,720
Speaker 4: was just showing me so much love, and until she

638
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,840
Speaker 4: threatened to turn that love off, even though that would

639
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,919
Speaker 4: be impossible, I believed it and I got scared. So

640
00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:20,040
Speaker 4: I think you have to find the person that you're

641
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,240
Speaker 4: talking about. You have to get her into therapy. That's

642
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:26,320
Speaker 4: not a question, And you have to have different conversations

643
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:28,960
Speaker 4: around the subject matter because your approach isn't working and

644
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,280
Speaker 4: she's not listening to you in that way. It has

645
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:33,679
Speaker 4: to be spoken to her. I would enlist your friend

646
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:36,880
Speaker 4: try and do it that way. But also, you know,

647
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:40,040
Speaker 4: read some books about children and their anger and how

648
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:42,440
Speaker 4: to exhaust it, you know, so she's not taking it

649
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 4: out on other people. And there are a lot of

650
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:45,360
Speaker 4: movies about.

651
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:46,160
Speaker 1: Bullying, you know.

652
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:48,360
Speaker 4: I mean, Mean Girls is a great one. But she

653
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 4: probably might see that at this point and think, I

654
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:52,320
Speaker 4: like that. I want to be one of those girls,

655
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:54,720
Speaker 4: and you want her to actually see the light.

656
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:55,760
Speaker 1: Were you bullied?

657
00:28:56,360 --> 00:29:01,720
Speaker 6: Not significantly, which is surprising considering I was pretty obviously gay,

658
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:03,680
Speaker 6: But I think you know, I grew up in New

659
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:07,200
Speaker 6: York City, and I think that helped the cause. Yeah,

660
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,640
Speaker 6: you know, I was bullied a little bit, but not

661
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:10,600
Speaker 6: not extensively.

662
00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 5: I was very lucky in that way.

663
00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:16,280
Speaker 1: So I think, listen, anyone who's a bully was bullied.

664
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:17,320
Speaker 1: That's what happens.

665
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:20,000
Speaker 4: I was bullied. I became a bully. But you have

666
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:22,960
Speaker 4: to dismantle that, and you have somebody, and have somebody

667
00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:25,320
Speaker 4: who's a professional deal with it, because you know you're

668
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:27,800
Speaker 4: coming up empty handed. And she's eight years old, and

669
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:29,960
Speaker 4: this is really the time between eight and eleven that

670
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:32,560
Speaker 4: you want to get girls in their heads to be kind.

671
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 3: Agreed, Yeah, And just as a couple of ways to

672
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:39,280
Speaker 3: help sort of exhaust that anger and let her have

673
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:42,200
Speaker 3: an outlet for that anger. This might be a one

674
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:44,560
Speaker 3: or two time thing, but I know when my niece

675
00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:47,320
Speaker 3: and nephew had a loss in their family, my nephew

676
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:49,800
Speaker 3: had so much pent up anger and he said to

677
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:51,840
Speaker 3: my sister one day, He's like, I just feel like

678
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:55,000
Speaker 3: I want to break something. And so she went out

679
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:57,760
Speaker 3: to the thrift store and bought a whole bunch of plates,

680
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,280
Speaker 3: and we all put on our safety glasses and we

681
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,680
Speaker 3: grab these plates and we like threw them down on

682
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 3: the ground and just broke plates. And it was so

683
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:09,840
Speaker 3: such a relief to sort of express that anger. But

684
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:11,720
Speaker 3: maybe there are other things that are more long term.

685
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:14,560
Speaker 3: Like I mean, eight is probably young for a girl

686
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:17,800
Speaker 3: to start boxing, but like some other physical activity, they'll

687
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:19,880
Speaker 3: allow her to sort of get some of that aggression

688
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:23,239
Speaker 3: out of her body rather than sort of trapping it

689
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,600
Speaker 3: inside where it comes out in these nasty ways. In addition,

690
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:27,440
Speaker 3: of course, to a therapist.

691
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:31,120
Speaker 4: And I say, it's an emergent situation because eight years old,

692
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 4: you shouldn't even know how to be that mean yet,

693
00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:34,360
Speaker 4: you know what I mean?

694
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:37,480
Speaker 5: An eight year old throwing plates.

695
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:39,200
Speaker 1: While she has her safety goggles.

696
00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:40,360
Speaker 5: Don't forget about that part.

697
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:42,920
Speaker 4: I don't know where did she get the safety goggles

698
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:45,120
Speaker 4: at the thrift store too, because who has safety.

699
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:46,640
Speaker 1: Goggles lying around in the carpenter?

700
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:50,480
Speaker 4: But yes, please get enlist other people to help you,

701
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:53,280
Speaker 4: you know, and get on it right away. And I

702
00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:55,760
Speaker 4: know you are, and I know you're trying to figure

703
00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:57,880
Speaker 4: it out because it's embarrassing to have a kid that's

704
00:30:57,920 --> 00:30:58,560
Speaker 4: acting like that.

705
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:01,240
Speaker 1: I'm sure you're dealing with all these other parents.

706
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:04,680
Speaker 7: And and her father and I are both kind of

707
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:06,719
Speaker 7: at a loss, like, oh my gosh, what's happening. We

708
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:09,520
Speaker 7: are having all these conversations, and candidly, we just found

709
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:12,959
Speaker 7: out about the level of what's happening. We thought it

710
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:15,720
Speaker 7: was just drama, just girl drama, and we found out

711
00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:19,640
Speaker 7: on Saturday that I'm actually the ring leader of mean girls.

712
00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:24,440
Speaker 7: And so I appreciate your rapid response. Forty. I'm getting

713
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 7: great advice from.

714
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:27,520
Speaker 4: You, and also talk to the teachers at the school

715
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:29,640
Speaker 4: and the counselors at the school and how and come

716
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,200
Speaker 4: up with a plan that you guys are all coordinated on,

717
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:34,120
Speaker 4: you know what I mean, Because there has to be

718
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,880
Speaker 4: repercussions for her bad behavior, and there has to be

719
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 4: a form of punishment, and that you're working with the

720
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:43,080
Speaker 4: teachers and that there are eyes everywhere will have an

721
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,640
Speaker 4: impact on an eight year old, you know, as soon

722
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:48,080
Speaker 4: as she starts paying the price for her behavior and

723
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:50,840
Speaker 4: realizes popularity isn't you know, she's not gonna want to

724
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:53,120
Speaker 4: stay after school. She's not gonna want to get punished

725
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:55,920
Speaker 4: when she comes home. So have you exercised any of

726
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:56,840
Speaker 4: those options yet?

727
00:31:57,480 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 7: I am following up and saying no, I want her

728
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,640
Speaker 7: one on one with the school counselor to discuss this specifically,

729
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:05,520
Speaker 7: they do friendship circles that I requested before.

730
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 1: The end of the school year. Good because I don't really.

731
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 7: Worried about one girl in particular that's been targeted.

732
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:12,680
Speaker 4: Yeah, well, get on it and spend your summer working

733
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:14,480
Speaker 4: on her, you know, and spend as much time as

734
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:16,600
Speaker 4: you can with her, because a lot of that probably

735
00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:20,880
Speaker 4: comes from you know, I think girls can easily not easily,

736
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:24,680
Speaker 4: but girls and their moms. There's just a huge healing

737
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:28,480
Speaker 4: effect that being around your mom has. I mean even

738
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,080
Speaker 4: little boys, especially at that age. You know, Just spend

739
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:33,040
Speaker 4: as much one on one time with her as you can,

740
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:37,000
Speaker 4: and be as communicative as you can, and engage as

741
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,479
Speaker 4: much as you can with therapists and help and you know,

742
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:42,800
Speaker 4: hopefully over the summer you can make some major improvements.

743
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:45,200
Speaker 1: Yeah. Was that helpful to you at all?

744
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:49,200
Speaker 7: Yeah, it really is. I think really supporting that idea

745
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:51,480
Speaker 7: of like, we got to get into therapy sooner than later,

746
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:54,520
Speaker 7: because you know, I'm doing all the things, saying things,

747
00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:59,040
Speaker 7: I'm highly communicative, but I need backup. I need that village.

748
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 7: I need to start building a village around her because

749
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:04,000
Speaker 7: I her father and I can't do it on her own.

750
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:05,000
Speaker 7: Need we need backup.

751
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and that's okay.

752
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:09,400
Speaker 4: And also being communicative with the other parents that you're

753
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:11,520
Speaker 4: working on it, you know, so that they you can

754
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:13,640
Speaker 4: alay some of their fears, because it's so scary for

755
00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:15,320
Speaker 4: other parents to have to deal with that. I was

756
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:17,720
Speaker 4: just in a doctor's appointment yesterday and he was talking

757
00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:20,920
Speaker 4: about this poor girl. She's eleven and she got kicked

758
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,480
Speaker 4: out of her friend group and now she's in a

759
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:24,680
Speaker 4: new friend group and the old friend group is making

760
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:26,040
Speaker 4: the new friend group dumper too.

761
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:27,240
Speaker 5: Oh god, And I.

762
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,920
Speaker 4: Was just like, oh my god, it makes my vagina

763
00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:33,360
Speaker 4: shut tight, Like the idea of children going through this

764
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,080
Speaker 4: is just heartbreaking, you know, on both.

765
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:40,800
Speaker 6: Ends, it is I'm also concerned about the Mormon mission,

766
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:41,880
Speaker 6: just for the records.

767
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:43,480
Speaker 5: All right, we'll get to that next.

768
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,680
Speaker 7: Okay, good, we'll talk about that later.

769
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:49,640
Speaker 1: Are you not Mormon?

770
00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:52,240
Speaker 7: Now?

771
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 5: Why is he going on at Mormon mission if you're

772
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:55,280
Speaker 5: not Mormon?

773
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:58,640
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I was trying to respect.

774
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,040
Speaker 5: I could feel Chelsea each to be polite.

775
00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:04,600
Speaker 7: I'm healing. It's post post Mormon healing for me, my friends.

776
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:07,000
Speaker 1: So my sisters are recovering Mormon.

777
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:09,040
Speaker 5: Your kids have a lot going on.

778
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:11,200
Speaker 7: They called him to New Zealand, which is a really

779
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:14,239
Speaker 7: cool place. So I was like, I was hoping he'd

780
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:15,640
Speaker 7: back out, but not no.

781
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:18,759
Speaker 4: Leck so far, How did can I just how did

782
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:20,680
Speaker 4: he find Mormonism without you guys?

783
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:24,800
Speaker 7: Well, I grew up Mormon and left the church gosh

784
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:27,520
Speaker 7: till twelve years ago or something. But his father's still active.

785
00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,880
Speaker 7: And so he through COVID, went up to Canada and

786
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,239
Speaker 7: is in Canada now, and went to high school there

787
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,839
Speaker 7: and it's a very predominantly Mormon community and that's where

788
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:39,440
Speaker 7: he found community and belonging was in the church and

789
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:43,160
Speaker 7: with his friends that are members, and so he's fully indoctrinated.

790
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:43,920
Speaker 1: And it is.

791
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:48,040
Speaker 7: Said it's another issue all right in.

792
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I guess we'll all talk to you next week.

793
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:55,400
Speaker 6: Send him to a therapist too, while you're yeah.

794
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:56,040
Speaker 7: And me, all three of us.

795
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:57,560
Speaker 1: We all need yeah you that's healthy.

796
00:34:57,719 --> 00:35:03,360
Speaker 4: It sounds like you do there. All right, Well, it

797
00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,359
Speaker 4: was nice to speak with you. Thanks for calling in.

798
00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:11,040
Speaker 1: Thanks thanks Samber. What about an eight year old bully?

799
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:12,319
Speaker 1: What about that?

800
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:15,160
Speaker 4: How did would she even learn I don't be me

801
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:16,480
Speaker 4: because someone did it to her?

802
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:17,520
Speaker 5: That's all right?

803
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,760
Speaker 3: Yeah right, yeah, but I like your idea about movies

804
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 3: and like fill her summer reading list with all Judy

805
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:26,319
Speaker 3: bloom books, bully books, all this stuff, because when you

806
00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:29,279
Speaker 3: see how awful it is, you don't want to be that.

807
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:32,160
Speaker 3: Like my one girlfriend, her kid's eleven, she's like, being

808
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,279
Speaker 3: called a bully is the worst thing you can get

809
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:35,200
Speaker 3: called at this school.

810
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:36,600
Speaker 1: I told my friend the other day.

811
00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:38,200
Speaker 4: She was harassing me about something and I was like,

812
00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 4: you're being a bully, and she goes.

813
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 1: Don't ever say that. I was like, oh god, sorry,

814
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:45,080
Speaker 1: that hit a little too close to home. I guess.

815
00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:49,399
Speaker 2: Well.

816
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:54,239
Speaker 3: Our next caller is Alan. Alan says, dear Chelsea, I'm

817
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:56,560
Speaker 3: a gay male in my thirties and I've found myself

818
00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,840
Speaker 3: in a bit of a strange, disorienting space when it

819
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:02,319
Speaker 3: comes to relationships, including friends. I guess I had my

820
00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:05,720
Speaker 3: share of fun times and entry level relationships in college

821
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,000
Speaker 3: and through most of my twenties when I found my

822
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:11,239
Speaker 3: first real relationship that brought me into my thirties after

823
00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:14,360
Speaker 3: a brief break. I was blindsided with an unforeseen relationship

824
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:16,880
Speaker 3: break in the first year of COVID. It ended with

825
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:19,319
Speaker 3: him cheating on me probably sixty percent of the time

826
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:21,960
Speaker 3: while I was recovering from a physical accident. It was

827
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:25,440
Speaker 3: my first time being cheated on. I've always been self sufficient,

828
00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:28,080
Speaker 3: and I get older, I don't seem to have much

829
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:31,320
Speaker 3: of a sexual drive for just hookups less I decided

830
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:33,960
Speaker 3: to take time for just me again. Now I'm in

831
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:36,560
Speaker 3: the spot where I've been putting my dating feelers out again,

832
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:38,719
Speaker 3: But most of the guys I find turn out to

833
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:41,799
Speaker 3: be boring or way too simple. I followed you for

834
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:43,719
Speaker 3: a long time, and I've always thought I'd also have

835
00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:46,719
Speaker 3: a similar trail of being an independent, single boss. But

836
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:49,239
Speaker 3: I can't shake this craving. I'd hook up more, but

837
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:52,560
Speaker 3: men are so predictable and boring, lackluster sex and lame

838
00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,719
Speaker 3: what do you think is my relationship block? Have you

839
00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:58,640
Speaker 3: had times like this before in your life? Love you? Alan?

840
00:36:58,760 --> 00:36:59,840
Speaker 3: A gay and a gay city?

841
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:02,240
Speaker 1: Hi Alan, Hi Alan?

842
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:08,000
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, Alan, we have Billy here today, Billy Eichner.

843
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,360
Speaker 2: For you, of course it would be Billy especial.

844
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:13,120
Speaker 4: Are those headphones on your ears or is that a

845
00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:14,799
Speaker 4: mullet that's coming down behind your neck?

846
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:15,080
Speaker 5: Oh?

847
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:20,879
Speaker 2: No, this is mullet baby. Oh yeah, the summer cut.

848
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:22,040
Speaker 1: That's cute.

849
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:25,200
Speaker 4: Okay, So well, your attitude is what's in the way.

850
00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:27,880
Speaker 4: But that's okay because you're not you're I mean, you

851
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:30,239
Speaker 4: sound just slightly depressed.

852
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:31,560
Speaker 1: Do you feel depressed?

853
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:34,879
Speaker 2: No, not in any way. Okay, I kind of feel

854
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:39,720
Speaker 2: like a ghost a ghost, yeah, like not really a hermit.

855
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:42,239
Speaker 2: But I'm just kind of there. I'm just going out

856
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:46,120
Speaker 2: doing my thing, put myself out there. But I'm just

857
00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:49,239
Speaker 2: really not interested in a lot of other people. I'm

858
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,759
Speaker 2: kind of just like so consumed and like becoming more

859
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:53,680
Speaker 2: of a better person.

860
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:56,360
Speaker 1: Oh well, then that's the opposite of depressed.

861
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:57,680
Speaker 5: Yeah. I think that's good.

862
00:37:57,719 --> 00:37:58,799
Speaker 1: Actually, it is good.

863
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:01,400
Speaker 4: I mean that's great. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.

864
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:03,759
Speaker 4: I think there are periods of time. Listen, I have

865
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:06,919
Speaker 4: no desire to have sex with fucking anybody, And that's

866
00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:10,600
Speaker 4: how I've felt for the last six months, probably just none.

867
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:13,719
Speaker 1: Like I have to make myself go and look for.

868
00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:15,920
Speaker 4: Sex, yeah, and like set things up so that I

869
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,480
Speaker 4: can get sex because I don't want to forget. But

870
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:21,000
Speaker 4: I think that's a normal thing for people to go through,

871
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:23,640
Speaker 4: especially when you're doing some self reflection, and like in

872
00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,160
Speaker 4: our work, I don't think that there's anything.

873
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:26,359
Speaker 5: Wrong with that.

874
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:31,000
Speaker 6: I think that society and culture, especially gay culture, sometimes

875
00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:34,759
Speaker 6: makes you feel like you're supposed to always be on

876
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:38,640
Speaker 6: the hunt for like sex or a boyfriend or a

877
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:43,200
Speaker 6: relationship or something right, And we don't really talk about

878
00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:45,440
Speaker 6: the periods of your life where you just sort of

879
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:49,160
Speaker 6: take for yourself. You know, that's not as sexy to

880
00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:52,680
Speaker 6: talk about when you have those like introspective periods, especially

881
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:55,640
Speaker 6: in the gay world, where again especially on social media,

882
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:58,000
Speaker 6: everyone's like naked in they're here and you know, they're

883
00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:00,840
Speaker 6: on vacation and they're with these guys, those guys, and

884
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:03,920
Speaker 6: I don't know, I think we need to value just

885
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:07,839
Speaker 6: as much the times that we're again being more introspective

886
00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 6: and self reflective.

887
00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:13,400
Speaker 4: There's a season for sewing and there's a season for reaping.

888
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:16,440
Speaker 4: Like you're not always on the it's not always incoming.

889
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,840
Speaker 4: Sometimes it's outgoing, and sometimes it's just you and self reflection.

890
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:23,000
Speaker 4: Like that's very cyclical in all all of our lives.

891
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:24,239
Speaker 4: So you're not alone.

892
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:27,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I live in Austin, Texas, which is one

893
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:30,880
Speaker 2: of the gayest things. Yeah, so I'm surrounded by very

894
00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,759
Speaker 2: much that where everything is so like sexually driven, and like,

895
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:36,640
Speaker 2: I want an open relationship. I wants many partners. I

896
00:39:36,719 --> 00:39:39,400
Speaker 2: just need the sex, you know, and I'm just not

897
00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:40,720
Speaker 2: for that at this age.

898
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,360
Speaker 4: And you really desire what your long term plan is

899
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:44,960
Speaker 4: to be in a committed relationship.

900
00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:50,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, ultimately, uh huh. And really from my early twenties

901
00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:53,120
Speaker 2: until now, I've been in a relationship. So I got

902
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:56,080
Speaker 2: my kind of hookup phase out of the way, established

903
00:39:56,120 --> 00:40:00,360
Speaker 2: a really strong relationship that was really great, and I

904
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,160
Speaker 2: thought it was going to go somewhere, but we were

905
00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:05,600
Speaker 2: on different pages and then was taking a break and

906
00:40:05,719 --> 00:40:09,360
Speaker 2: immediately got sideswiped by a relationship during COVID, and so

907
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:14,000
Speaker 2: we were kind of stuck together necessarily. So since we

908
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:16,440
Speaker 2: broke up, I've been taking a lot more time for

909
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:19,400
Speaker 2: myself and I've really built myself up in a lot

910
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:22,000
Speaker 2: of different aspects in my life, and now I'm putting

911
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:25,319
Speaker 2: the feelers back out there, and it's just I don't know,

912
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:30,239
Speaker 2: I don't have any desire or nothing seems appetizing, for

913
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:30,640
Speaker 2: lack of.

914
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:34,759
Speaker 6: Better words, Well, I think oftentimes nothing is appetizing. Yeah,

915
00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:37,239
Speaker 6: it can be a grind. It can feel like a chure,

916
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:40,120
Speaker 6: like another thing on your to do list, like go

917
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,160
Speaker 6: on dates, and that takes the fun out of it

918
00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:43,799
Speaker 6: and the spontaneity out of it.

919
00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:46,600
Speaker 2: So yeah, it's amost like another job exactly.

920
00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:49,080
Speaker 6: It is another job, and then a relationship itself is

921
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,120
Speaker 6: another job, you know, and you have to be prepared

922
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:54,760
Speaker 6: for that and wanting that. I think it's perfectly fine

923
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:57,240
Speaker 6: and actually a good thing to be in a phase

924
00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:59,880
Speaker 6: where you're not aggressively wanting that.

925
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:04,040
Speaker 4: Actually, yeah, I think you should embrace that, embrace like

926
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:07,720
Speaker 4: the moment that you're in and actually treasure it because

927
00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:11,279
Speaker 4: you may not be single for very long, and you're

928
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:13,359
Speaker 4: certainly not going to be single forever. There are going

929
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,200
Speaker 4: to be people that come in and out of your life,

930
00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:17,960
Speaker 4: so you want to really treasure this time alone with yourself,

931
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:20,120
Speaker 4: Like I have the best time with myself and I

932
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:21,719
Speaker 4: don't feel guilty about that at all.

933
00:41:22,680 --> 00:41:25,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, me neither. But when I get on you know,

934
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,120
Speaker 2: dates or dating aps and they're like, what do you

935
00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:31,160
Speaker 2: I've been asked like do you have any friends? And

936
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:33,560
Speaker 2: I'm like, of course I do. I just like myself,

937
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:35,480
Speaker 2: is there a problem with that?

938
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:38,080
Speaker 1: And why do people ask you if you have any friends?

939
00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:40,719
Speaker 2: Because like what do you do? Well? I do a

940
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:43,919
Speaker 2: lot of things that involve myself. You know, I don't

941
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:45,879
Speaker 2: mind going out to eat by myself. I don't mind

942
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:48,400
Speaker 2: going to the library or a bar to read a

943
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:49,280
Speaker 2: book by myself.

944
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 1: I like me, Yeah, well that's those are all healthy things.

945
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:53,239
Speaker 5: Those are good things.

946
00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:54,920
Speaker 1: I don't understand what the problem is.

947
00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:56,960
Speaker 4: I mean, you're just not attracted to people right now,

948
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:59,520
Speaker 4: and that's okay, that's okay. You have to give yourself

949
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:02,719
Speaker 4: permission to be in that phase without judging yourself for

950
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:04,919
Speaker 4: not being interested in sex, because that's what you're doing.

951
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,120
Speaker 4: You're kind of playing a game with yourself and a

952
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:09,960
Speaker 4: trick on yourself because you're like looking at society and

953
00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:11,920
Speaker 4: what everyone's expecting of you and thinking you have to

954
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:14,520
Speaker 4: deliver to them, and really you only have to deliver

955
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:17,960
Speaker 4: to yourself, So enjoy this time, don't judge yourself, be like,

956
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:19,480
Speaker 4: this is what I'm going to do. Do you know

957
00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:21,360
Speaker 4: how fucking healthy it is to go be able and

958
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:22,480
Speaker 4: read a book by yourself?

959
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:26,520
Speaker 1: And how people how few people can do that in

960
00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:27,080
Speaker 1: this world?

961
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:27,880
Speaker 5: Yeah?

962
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:29,000
Speaker 1: Like that's awesome.

963
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,600
Speaker 4: And you're just think of this time as preparing for

964
00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:33,600
Speaker 4: the person that you're going to end up with, Like

965
00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:35,920
Speaker 4: you're doing the inner work and the self work and

966
00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:39,080
Speaker 4: spending time alone to prepare for your long term relationship.

967
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:42,920
Speaker 2: I think being an extrovert is the counterpart of that.

968
00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:46,120
Speaker 2: I don't need a relationship to make me feel fulfilled,

969
00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:51,960
Speaker 2: but I recharge my battery with relationships and being around people.

970
00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:54,840
Speaker 2: So I think that's what's getting me stuck where I'm like,

971
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:58,280
Speaker 2: I'm good with this, but I also want to recharge

972
00:42:58,280 --> 00:42:59,680
Speaker 2: my batteries in a different way.

973
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:03,840
Speaker 6: Do you have like a circle of friends that you hang.

974
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:07,319
Speaker 2: With, Well, most of my people will have moved out

975
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:12,200
Speaker 2: of town. Oh so I really don't have anybody left.

976
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:16,319
Speaker 6: That might be the bigger issue. Because I'm a very

977
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,360
Speaker 6: social person. I rarely feel a need to go on

978
00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:21,680
Speaker 6: a ton of dates or be in a relationship, but

979
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:26,280
Speaker 6: I couldn't exist without my friends around me. I really

980
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:29,279
Speaker 6: rely on them, you know, so that might be the

981
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:33,000
Speaker 6: bigger issue, you know, like where are you fulfilling that

982
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,520
Speaker 6: need to be social? Not to date someone or even

983
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:37,560
Speaker 6: go on a date or have sex, but to just

984
00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 6: interact with friends is really important.

985
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:44,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, most of my friendships right now are on the phone, because.

986
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:46,320
Speaker 1: They're all that's good. You should keep those going.

987
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:49,080
Speaker 4: Make sure you're having phone calls and facetimes or whatever

988
00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:51,759
Speaker 4: you're into on a consistent basis. But you can go

989
00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:54,000
Speaker 4: make friends in Austin. That's not going to be hard

990
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:57,319
Speaker 4: and it's important. I think Billy's exactly right, Like you're

991
00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:59,279
Speaker 4: looking to fill a void and you're not really sure

992
00:43:59,280 --> 00:44:02,560
Speaker 4: what that void is. And I think, yeah, you should

993
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:06,080
Speaker 4: work a little bit on making friendships rather than dating.

994
00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:07,879
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a good point.

995
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:09,480
Speaker 1: What do you do like to do? Do you do

996
00:44:09,560 --> 00:44:10,640
Speaker 1: stuff outdoors? Hike?

997
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:13,960
Speaker 4: Do you are you into exercise? Are you into like chess?

998
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:15,240
Speaker 4: What's your story?

999
00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:18,400
Speaker 2: Yes, So that's the other thing. I'm a very straight

1000
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:23,720
Speaker 2: acting male. I come across a very masculine in my realm.

1001
00:44:24,239 --> 00:44:26,840
Speaker 2: I like the BMX, I like the outdoors, I like

1002
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:29,800
Speaker 2: the camp, swim and the guys I've gone on dates

1003
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:32,759
Speaker 2: with are like, I've never been camping before. I've never gone.

1004
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:35,880
Speaker 2: I don't like swimming or I don't like hiking. Like

1005
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:39,680
Speaker 2: what do you do? Just sit inside, go to the bar,

1006
00:44:39,880 --> 00:44:41,239
Speaker 2: Like that's basic to me.

1007
00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:43,880
Speaker 5: There are gay guys out there that like camping.

1008
00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 6: I know many gay people who swim, who have the

1009
00:44:46,719 --> 00:44:47,760
Speaker 6: ability to swim.

1010
00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:51,280
Speaker 1: A ton of day swimmers.

1011
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:54,799
Speaker 6: Yes, any swim team is full of closeted gay men.

1012
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:57,200
Speaker 5: How old are you thirty five?

1013
00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:01,080
Speaker 6: Yeah, it can be hard to meet friends. That can

1014
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:03,760
Speaker 6: actually be harder, I mean with for boyfriends and dating.

1015
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:06,120
Speaker 6: While there's an ad, there's like a million apps, right,

1016
00:45:06,400 --> 00:45:09,600
Speaker 6: but just to meet friends, which I see a lot

1017
00:45:09,680 --> 00:45:13,040
Speaker 6: of people suffering from at all different stages of their lives,

1018
00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:15,719
Speaker 6: straight and gay and everyone. You know, it can be

1019
00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:18,759
Speaker 6: hard to meet friends. I know guys who when they

1020
00:45:18,760 --> 00:45:21,400
Speaker 6: move to a new city, gay guys, they'll join a team.

1021
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:24,279
Speaker 5: You know, they'll be like a gay dodgeball team or

1022
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:27,399
Speaker 5: a gay softball team or whatever it is. Gay campers,

1023
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:28,120
Speaker 5: gay campers.

1024
00:45:28,160 --> 00:45:31,799
Speaker 6: I'm sure all of those things exist actually, and so

1025
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:33,799
Speaker 6: I don't know, maybe maybe that's a.

1026
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,280
Speaker 4: I think that you should join something you know, go online,

1027
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:39,680
Speaker 4: do a little research either whether it's camping, swimming, hiking,

1028
00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:43,479
Speaker 4: whatever your outdoor stuff is that you've mentioned, and that's

1029
00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:46,040
Speaker 4: out of your comfort zone. So that's like a good step,

1030
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:49,600
Speaker 4: like a proactive step towards addressing the issue, and that

1031
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:51,760
Speaker 4: kind of I think you're feeling a little bit lonely,

1032
00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:54,960
Speaker 4: and do that, make active steps to just change your

1033
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:57,359
Speaker 4: life in little small ways, and before you know it,

1034
00:45:57,800 --> 00:46:00,520
Speaker 4: you will develop friendships and you will have ale there

1035
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,399
Speaker 4: and you'll probably worry a lot less about this relationship

1036
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:06,120
Speaker 4: issue once you have some more community.

1037
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:08,600
Speaker 2: Yeah. Now that they hear that, I think maybe I'm

1038
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:11,080
Speaker 2: trying to fill two things instead of focus on one.

1039
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:13,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, So can you do that?

1040
00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:16,160
Speaker 4: Can you go and just just go online after this

1041
00:46:16,239 --> 00:46:20,359
Speaker 4: call and just start researching hiking groups, camping groups, there's one,

1042
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:22,960
Speaker 4: there's something for fucking everybody online, definitely.

1043
00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:24,040
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1044
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:27,279
Speaker 6: Or just post on Instagram I have no friends or

1045
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:28,680
Speaker 6: a or a book club.

1046
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:29,800
Speaker 5: Yeah, that works.

1047
00:46:30,360 --> 00:46:31,320
Speaker 1: Looking for friends.

1048
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:34,920
Speaker 4: Thank Chelsea Handler and Billy Eichner told me I need.

1049
00:46:34,719 --> 00:46:35,720
Speaker 1: To get some friends.

1050
00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:38,439
Speaker 2: I can do that.

1051
00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:42,440
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, but try not to judge yourself within the process.

1052
00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:44,640
Speaker 1: Just have a good time. You're going to meet some friends.

1053
00:46:44,719 --> 00:46:47,399
Speaker 4: You're going to meet a guy, and just you got

1054
00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:49,640
Speaker 4: to do a little bit of different stuff to get different.

1055
00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:50,880
Speaker 5: Results for sure.

1056
00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:51,640
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1057
00:46:51,719 --> 00:46:56,200
Speaker 1: Okay, well thanks for calling. I love your fucking mullet.

1058
00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:57,200
Speaker 1: Rock that out hard.

1059
00:46:57,840 --> 00:46:58,479
Speaker 5: It looks good.

1060
00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:00,000
Speaker 2: Thank you.

1061
00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:01,960
Speaker 1: Okay, bye bye.

1062
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:04,799
Speaker 4: Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we're

1063
00:47:04,840 --> 00:47:07,640
Speaker 4: going to come back to wrap it up with Billy Eibner.

1064
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:12,160
Speaker 1: And we're back.

1065
00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:15,600
Speaker 4: Well, that was all over the place, yeah, and then

1066
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:17,160
Speaker 4: it Yeah.

1067
00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:23,440
Speaker 6: There have been so many articles lately about how loneliness

1068
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:27,239
Speaker 6: is one of the biggest epidemics that we face, and

1069
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:32,520
Speaker 6: and I think for especially younger people. It's everyone, actually,

1070
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:35,239
Speaker 6: but at least people in our generation and older. We

1071
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:38,239
Speaker 6: had to communicate with each other in person. We didn't

1072
00:47:38,239 --> 00:47:42,400
Speaker 6: have our phones, and so phones have replaced actual human

1073
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:45,879
Speaker 6: interaction and it's kind of tricked people into thinking they

1074
00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:49,160
Speaker 6: don't need it or they're getting it, but they're not, like,

1075
00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:53,239
Speaker 6: that's not real human connection. And especially post COVID, I

1076
00:47:53,280 --> 00:47:56,120
Speaker 6: think people got stuck in their homes, you know, there

1077
00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:58,880
Speaker 6: is a little less socializing going on in certain places.

1078
00:47:58,920 --> 00:48:02,759
Speaker 6: Maybe it's it's really important right to get out there

1079
00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:05,960
Speaker 6: and meet people, not to date, just for friendship.

1080
00:48:06,040 --> 00:48:07,839
Speaker 4: Yeah, and also just to change it up. It's always

1081
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:10,000
Speaker 4: good to challenge yourself. It's always good something to do.

1082
00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:12,560
Speaker 4: Like I would never want to join a book club

1083
00:48:12,719 --> 00:48:15,320
Speaker 4: or a hiking club, but if I were in that situation,

1084
00:48:15,400 --> 00:48:17,920
Speaker 4: I would make myself do that, you know, because it's

1085
00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:21,160
Speaker 4: about doing that, like you have to stretch a little bit, Billy.

1086
00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:22,520
Speaker 1: Thanks for coming in, Thanks.

1087
00:48:22,320 --> 00:48:24,360
Speaker 4: For having me in New York City on this beautiful

1088
00:48:24,440 --> 00:48:25,440
Speaker 4: summer day.

1089
00:48:25,719 --> 00:48:28,280
Speaker 1: Have a great afternoon, everybody.

1090
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:32,239
Speaker 4: Okay, guys, we have added more shows to my Little

1091
00:48:32,239 --> 00:48:35,479
Speaker 4: Big Bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We added

1092
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:37,960
Speaker 4: a second show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles, so

1093
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:41,440
Speaker 4: that's October twelfth and Friday the thirteenth. We added a

1094
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:45,359
Speaker 4: second show in Boston at the Waying Center September twenty

1095
00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:47,680
Speaker 4: ninth and thirtieth is two shows in New York. I

1096
00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:50,160
Speaker 4: also have a show in East Hampton, New York August

1097
00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:53,520
Speaker 4: twenty six. We added a second show in Portland, so

1098
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:57,719
Speaker 4: Thursday November tewod Friday November third, and Portland November fourth

1099
00:48:57,800 --> 00:49:00,560
Speaker 4: and fifth. In San Francisco, two shows there. We added

1100
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Speaker 4: a second show with Seattle November tenth and eleventh. Two

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Speaker 4: shows Boston are November sixteenth and seventeenth at the Boch

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Speaker 4: Center at Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to Toronto

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Speaker 4: and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville.

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Speaker 1: So i will see everybody at all of these shows.

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Speaker 1: Thank you.

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Speaker 4: Get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com.

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Speaker 3: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

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Speaker 3: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

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Speaker 3: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

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Speaker 3: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and

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Speaker 3: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot

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Speaker 3: com