WEBVTT - 3 Traits that Negatively Affect Our Thoughts & How to Gradually Break Free from Your Limitations 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.480 Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:05.560 adding a really special offering onto the back of my 0:00:05.680 --> 0:00:09.080 solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily 0:00:09.119 --> 0:00:12.160 series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while 0:00:12.200 --> 0:00:16.120 outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress 0:00:16.160 --> 0:00:18.880 free life. We dive into a range of topics and 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:22.480 the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long, 0:00:22.760 --> 0:00:25.400 so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter 0:00:25.440 --> 0:00:28.800 how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the 0:00:28.920 --> 0:00:32.199 on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for 0:00:32.320 --> 0:00:35.640 you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:39.120 Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're 0:00:39.120 --> 0:00:42.120 tackling the topic of mindset and how to approach life 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:46.080 with focus, perspective, and positivity. Of course, if you want 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:48.680 to listen to The Daily Jay every day, you have 0:00:48.760 --> 0:00:51.519 to subscribe to Calm, So go to calm dot com 0:00:51.520 --> 0:01:01.000 forward slash j for forty percent off your membership today. 0:01:01.720 --> 0:01:04.640 Hi that season, Welcome to a brand new almost adulting, 0:01:04.680 --> 0:01:07.399 the largest self love podcast and movement, your number one 0:01:07.400 --> 0:01:10.600 destination for personal growth and mental health. I'm your big 0:01:10.640 --> 0:01:13.480 sister and your host Bioletta. So our guest today is 0:01:13.560 --> 0:01:16.280 Jay Shaddy. He is the number one New York Times 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:18.320 best selling author of the books Think Like a Monk 0:01:18.680 --> 0:01:21.919 and his newest one, which we'll discuss today, A Rules 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:24.080 of Love. He's also the host of the award winning 0:01:24.200 --> 0:01:28.880 podcast On Purpose and Chief Purpose officer of Calm Welcome. 0:01:29.040 --> 0:01:30.680 Hey, thank you so much for having me. It's so 0:01:30.760 --> 0:01:32.399 nice to be in your home. I appreciate it. Thank 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:34.640 you for being so welcoming and gracious. 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:36.880 Yeah, and I also love that your eyes match. You're 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:38.440 sure looks really good. 0:01:38.480 --> 0:01:39.880 Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:42.080 You know, only two percent of people in the world 0:01:42.080 --> 0:01:42.680 have green eyes. 0:01:42.800 --> 0:01:44.080 I did not know that. Is that true? 0:01:44.200 --> 0:01:45.039 Are you joking? 0:01:45.080 --> 0:01:46.640 I genuinely did not know that. 0:01:47.040 --> 0:01:50.160 Oh. I just assume anyone agreed you were part of 0:01:50.160 --> 0:01:50.760 the two percent? 0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:53.600 Yeah, my wife, Oh, you're right, Okay, do you have 0:01:53.640 --> 0:01:54.040 green eyes? 0:01:54.960 --> 0:01:59.120 Maybe? God? Okay, then it would just seemed like everyone has. Yeah, 0:01:59.240 --> 0:02:00.960 that's so funny. I actually not know that. I feel 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:03.480 like normally people with a blue or green eyes were like, 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:04.640 look in my eyes. 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:07.200 It's so funny. I feel like when you grow up 0:02:07.200 --> 0:02:10.560 with something, whether it's eyes or a skill, or whatever 0:02:10.600 --> 0:02:12.880 it maybe you don't notice it, like you don't notice 0:02:12.919 --> 0:02:14.760 it as much when you have something. You notice it 0:02:14.960 --> 0:02:17.320 when other people notice it, because yeah, you kind of 0:02:17.360 --> 0:02:18.160 see as normal. 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:20.320 Oh yeah, I guess I guess you're right. That's true. 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:25.400 All right, So I'm just shallow, not cool? No, okay, 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:27.560 So before we dive into your book, which we have 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:30.400 here if you're watching the video, this is right here. 0:02:30.520 --> 0:02:33.080 It's an awesome book and I've been loving it. But 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:35.200 before we dive into the book, I thought it'd be 0:02:35.280 --> 0:02:37.440 nice to kind of get to know you, since on 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:40.680 your show a lot of the time you dive into 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:43.400 your guests, So I thought this was finding that. 0:02:43.520 --> 0:02:43.960 Let's do it. 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:46.480 Your journey has taken you from being a monk to 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:50.280 becoming a popular motivational speaker, New York Times bestselling author, 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:52.760 and I was kind of wondering, how did you make 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:55.280 that transition and what was the biggest challenge you would 0:02:55.280 --> 0:02:56.880 say that you face during that process. 0:02:57.200 --> 0:02:59.959 I mean, the transition is like you're looking at like 0:03:01.320 --> 0:03:03.560 ten years, you know, of time in between. So I 0:03:03.680 --> 0:03:07.080 left the monastery exactly ten years ago right now, and 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:10.840 so the journey you see is like it looks quick 0:03:10.919 --> 0:03:13.679 online sometimes, but then the actual journey is so much 0:03:13.720 --> 0:03:17.359 more slower and harder. And I'd said the transition happened 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:20.000 in so many different phases, and that's kind of how 0:03:20.000 --> 0:03:22.280 I think a lot of our life transitions happened. So 0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:25.359 when I left the monastery, I ended up moving back 0:03:25.400 --> 0:03:28.400 in with my parents in London, and for like twelve 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:31.000 months I was just struggling to find work. No one 0:03:31.040 --> 0:03:33.000 wanted to hire someone who had been a monk before. 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:36.040 People were like, what are your transferable skills? Sitting still 0:03:36.080 --> 0:03:38.640 and being silent, Like, we don't need that, right, And 0:03:38.720 --> 0:03:40.880 so I just spent a lot of time like trying 0:03:40.920 --> 0:03:44.000 to find myself again, reconnect again. I'd forgotten how to 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:46.720 do small talk. This would have been really tough for 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:49.360 me to do like I would have. I didn't know 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:51.280 who the Prime Minister of England was. I didn't know 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:53.200 who won the World Cup. I didn't know what the 0:03:53.240 --> 0:03:55.600 latest movies were or music was. I had no idea, 0:03:55.680 --> 0:04:00.120 And so there was a whole period that was just reconnecting. 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:02.320 And so the version of me you see today is 0:04:02.360 --> 0:04:06.000 like going back to being myself and reconnected again. But 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:08.520 at that time, there was this whole phase of just 0:04:08.560 --> 0:04:12.360 reintegration and reconnecting with society. And then after that, I 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:14.760 went back into the world of work, which really helped 0:04:14.800 --> 0:04:17.400 me kind of get a sense of what was going 0:04:17.400 --> 0:04:20.640 on and how things were. And then after working in 0:04:20.680 --> 0:04:23.560 the corporate world for around two three years, that's when 0:04:23.560 --> 0:04:26.200 I was like, I don't feel like this is my purpose. 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:27.640 I don't feel like this is what I was meant 0:04:27.640 --> 0:04:30.040 to do. I feel like I had that experience because 0:04:30.040 --> 0:04:32.200 I wanted to share what I'd learned to help people. 0:04:32.520 --> 0:04:36.280 I've learned all these amazing techniques like meditation and mindfulness, 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:39.240 and I've learned so many disciplines, and I've learned so 0:04:39.400 --> 0:04:43.159 much incredible wisdom from this experience. My goal must be 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:45.200 to have to share it with people, right And I 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:47.080 was sharing it while I was working in the companies 0:04:47.080 --> 0:04:50.279 and everything. So the biggest challenge I'd say I've had, 0:04:50.320 --> 0:04:52.359 which I think hopefully will relate to the people that 0:04:52.360 --> 0:04:59.080 are watching and listening right now, is allowing yourself to change, 0:04:59.240 --> 0:05:04.560 allowing your self to say I want to be more. Yeah, 0:05:04.600 --> 0:05:09.080 and it's okay to want to transform and change and grow. 0:05:09.160 --> 0:05:12.039 I don't have to stay stuck. I don't have to 0:05:12.080 --> 0:05:15.160 stay the same. If I don't want to. And I 0:05:15.160 --> 0:05:17.440 think that's the greatest challenge that you go through, is 0:05:17.480 --> 0:05:21.240 allowing yourself, giving yourself the permission to be more of who. 0:05:21.120 --> 0:05:25.320 You are, right Because normally before you make that decision 0:05:25.400 --> 0:05:27.840 or say that to yourself, a lot of times people 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:30.080 first look at that as failure. They think, oh, I 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:34.000 failed exactly, versus saying I'm allowed to change my mind anytime, 0:05:34.120 --> 0:05:35.880 or I'm allowed to wake up today and decide that 0:05:35.880 --> 0:05:38.039 this is not enough for me. So how do you 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:42.400 kind of switch from feeling like a failure or not 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:44.919 enough versus being like, no, this is just you know, 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:46.680 rock bottom, just only up from here. 0:05:46.960 --> 0:05:49.400 Yeah. Well, I look at it as how much time 0:05:49.440 --> 0:05:51.880 we have, right, Like, I think that a lot of 0:05:52.000 --> 0:05:55.200 us don't recognize a lot of us now today feel like, gosh, 0:05:55.200 --> 0:05:58.719 I'm getting old. And it's like we're not even that old, right, true, 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:01.400 Like you're in your thirties, your forties, or even your fifties, 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:03.920 and if you're in your twenties, definitely definitely not. And 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:05.839 if you're in your teens, you're definitely not. And it's 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:09.680 like we start putting this timeline and deadline on where 0:06:09.680 --> 0:06:11.159 we're at, and I kind of look at life and 0:06:11.200 --> 0:06:14.240 go There is no timeline or deadline. There is no schedule, 0:06:14.600 --> 0:06:16.560 and I think we think about life as a schedule 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:19.240 because someone in our life told us go to college, 0:06:19.279 --> 0:06:22.040 get a good job, get married, buy a house, like whatever. 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:25.280 It is. Right, there was this laid out plan, and 0:06:25.320 --> 0:06:28.880 we're measuring ourselves according to that plan, as opposed to saying, 0:06:28.920 --> 0:06:30.960 wait a minute, there is no plan. I can only 0:06:31.000 --> 0:06:33.159 live my life. And so I think we have to 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:37.880 disconnect from society's approach to what life should look like 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:40.520 and recognize there is no should look like. There's only 0:06:40.560 --> 0:06:41.440 the life you want to live. 0:06:41.839 --> 0:06:44.640 Yeah. I agree, over the course of your career, of 0:06:44.680 --> 0:06:46.960 everything you've done. But would you say the worst advice 0:06:46.960 --> 0:06:47.880 you've ever gone. 0:06:47.760 --> 0:06:51.039 Ah, that's a good question. I'd actually say it applies 0:06:51.040 --> 0:06:54.039 to that. The worst advice I've ever got is you're 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:58.599 too old, you're too young, you're too early, you're too late, 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:02.479 you're too underco you too overqualified. I feel like we 0:07:02.560 --> 0:07:06.560 put these extremes on we put these limits, boundaries, deadlines, 0:07:07.000 --> 0:07:09.640 schedules onto people, and I think that's bad advice. The 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:11.280 amount of people that have said to me, Jay, I 0:07:11.280 --> 0:07:12.960 think you're too old to be doing this, or you're 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:15.680 too young to be doing this, or Jay, you know what, 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:18.680 you're just too underqualified for this role. Like I think 0:07:18.720 --> 0:07:22.040 I've heard that so many times, and I think we 0:07:22.120 --> 0:07:25.760 start to internalize these statements and then we give up 0:07:25.760 --> 0:07:28.280 on our dreams or the things that are important to us. 0:07:28.680 --> 0:07:30.360 And I think we live in a world right now 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:33.960 where I see you know, you see seventy year old YouTubers, 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:37.120 you see you know, you see ten year old YouTubers. 0:07:37.160 --> 0:07:41.080 You see people doing things as in when they want 0:07:41.120 --> 0:07:43.200 and can, And I think we've changed. I think the 0:07:43.240 --> 0:07:46.400 world has shifted and changed where like someone may say, well, 0:07:46.440 --> 0:07:48.040 I wanted to be an athlete and I'm too old 0:07:48.040 --> 0:07:52.000 to be a premier league football player. Sure, but that 0:07:52.000 --> 0:07:54.120 doesn't mean you can't play football on the weekends or 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:56.720 the evenings, or it doesn't stop you from doing what 0:07:56.760 --> 0:07:59.960 you want to do. And I think that's the worst 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:02.480 advice that I've ever heard of, Like, it's not going 0:08:02.560 --> 0:08:06.440 to work. That's not a good idea. It's only not 0:08:06.480 --> 0:08:08.040 a good idea if you don't try it out. 0:08:08.520 --> 0:08:11.280 Yeah, I mean my mom, whenever I'm afraid of doing anything, 0:08:11.280 --> 0:08:14.000 my mom always taught me that I'm only quote unquote 0:08:14.040 --> 0:08:16.000 a loser because I've always get scared of being a loser. 0:08:16.040 --> 0:08:18.040 If I fail people, everyone will know. But she said, 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:20.040 you're only a loser if you don't try. Yeah, and 0:08:20.080 --> 0:08:22.680 I agree. Do you feel that sometimes when people give 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:24.320 you that advice you're too young or too old this, 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:26.880 and that is because they're projecting because they're scared they 0:08:26.920 --> 0:08:27.600 can never do it. 0:08:28.000 --> 0:08:30.440 Yeah, I think it comes and I have compassion for 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:33.800 that because I think we all project our limits onto 0:08:33.840 --> 0:08:38.800 other people, and we all project our insecurities onto other people. 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:41.079 It's like if your friend says to you, oh, I'm 0:08:41.120 --> 0:08:44.400 thinking about moving country and you've thought about it before, 0:08:45.320 --> 0:08:47.840 but you don't think it's a good idea or you're 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:49.560 scared about it now. When they say, you go, oh no, no, 0:08:49.559 --> 0:08:51.280 but have you thought about this, this and this, and 0:08:51.320 --> 0:08:55.080 you like, you give them your thought process and they're like, yeah, 0:08:55.120 --> 0:08:57.480 but those are not things I worry about. So I 0:08:57.480 --> 0:09:00.160 think a lot of us, when we're giving advice or 0:09:00.160 --> 0:09:04.640 receiving advice, need to recognize we need to not project 0:09:04.679 --> 0:09:08.400 our insecurities and our issues onto other people. And saying, 0:09:08.440 --> 0:09:11.120 when you hear advice from other people, make sure that 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:15.000 you're not just adopting their insecurities and their issues. You 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:16.640 have to filter that out for yourself. 0:09:16.920 --> 0:09:19.040 Yeah, I agree. When my family and I won the 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:21.640 Green Card lottery, all of our family members sold us 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:23.160 not to move. It would be so stupid from my 0:09:23.240 --> 0:09:26.480 father this age. He was in his fifties, and thank god, 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:29.240 my dad didn't listen, and he moved our family to 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:31.440 the US, and then everyone else wanted to follow our 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:32.520 footsteps afterwards. 0:09:32.600 --> 0:09:34.880 Yeah, exactly. That's a great example, right, And I think 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:37.480 that happens with everything. It's like your friend says to you, 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:39.600 you know what, I'm thinking of quitting my job, and 0:09:39.679 --> 0:09:41.600 I want to start a podcast, or I want to 0:09:41.640 --> 0:09:44.080 you know, whatever it may be. Now, you've also got 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:47.720 to understand that when your friend projects their issues and insecurities, 0:09:48.280 --> 0:09:51.280 we shouldn't be upset about that. It's just someone trying 0:09:51.320 --> 0:09:53.080 to care for you and they're trying to show you 0:09:53.200 --> 0:09:56.480 love or they're looking out for you. And often thinking 0:09:56.520 --> 0:09:59.320 it through is actually pretty helpful. Because I also think 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:01.559 we live in a world that you know, I feel 0:10:01.600 --> 0:10:05.760 like we also just take these big rush changes as well, 0:10:05.800 --> 0:10:07.160 Like I think a lot of us are also living 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:09.560 the other extreme, where it's like, Oh, I'm just going 0:10:09.640 --> 0:10:12.400 to do it anyway, it doesn't matter. Yeah, And it's like, 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:15.560 maybe the middle approach is better. Like when I was 0:10:15.559 --> 0:10:17.640 trying to find my passion in my purpose, I was 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:20.080 also working a day job that paid my bills, and 0:10:20.160 --> 0:10:22.640 I spend my evenings and weekends doing what I love. 0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:27.040 And I think that that transition's healthy because it provides safety, 0:10:27.040 --> 0:10:29.280 it provides support, Whereas if I would have just thrown 0:10:29.320 --> 0:10:31.920 everything away and made this jump, maybe it wouldn't have 0:10:31.920 --> 0:10:35.199 worked because you don't create great work out of scarcity. 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:39.400 You don't create great work out of fear and insecurity. Oh. 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:42.040 I like that. That is a really good point. Also, 0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:45.239 like the fact that you looked at the other perspective 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:47.960 of the fact that your friends or your family all 0:10:48.000 --> 0:10:49.840 that they're not coming from a bad place when they're 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:53.079 giving you quote nquote poor advice. They're actually coming because 0:10:53.080 --> 0:10:54.920 that's all they know and they're just trying to be helpful. 0:10:54.920 --> 0:10:57.120 That's a nice perspect I just. 0:10:57.040 --> 0:10:59.200 Want to live with no bidterness in my heart. You know, 0:10:59.440 --> 0:11:01.640 I made that commitment a long time ago. I was like, 0:11:02.000 --> 0:11:04.640 I don't want to live having bitter feelings or negative 0:11:04.679 --> 0:11:08.000 feelings towards any person or any group of people, because 0:11:08.040 --> 0:11:11.160 it doesn't carry me well, Like, it doesn't make me 0:11:11.200 --> 0:11:13.720 feel good to walk around with a bitter heart. 0:11:13.960 --> 0:11:16.000 I like that, and I know you focus a lot 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:18.520 about that, and I've spoken about that on my podcast 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:22.880 as well, that people don't understand how much negative emotions 0:11:22.880 --> 0:11:25.000 can actually affect your to day life. 0:11:25.080 --> 0:11:28.280 Yeah. Absolutely. I think there's three things that I talk 0:11:28.320 --> 0:11:30.760 about which I learned during my time in the monastery. 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:33.839 It's in my first book, Think like a Monk. Our 0:11:33.880 --> 0:11:36.959 teachers would call it the cancers of the mind. And 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:41.520 so they said, complaining, comparing, and criticizing with the cancers 0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:47.280 of the mind. When we complain reoccurringly, we lose control 0:11:47.320 --> 0:11:50.960 of the situation. When you're complaining, you're basically saying I 0:11:51.000 --> 0:11:54.520 can't influence this. So when you lose influence, you lose 0:11:54.559 --> 0:11:58.000 your ability to transform your life. When you compare, you're 0:11:58.040 --> 0:12:00.679 setting yourself up for failure. Because here's the thing. If 0:12:00.679 --> 0:12:03.920 you feel ahead of other people, you'll always feel behind 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:06.920 other people in both ways. So if you're like I'm 0:12:06.960 --> 0:12:09.800 now feeling ahead of the pack, that means one day 0:12:09.800 --> 0:12:12.440 you'll feel behind. If you're saying now I'm number one, 0:12:12.520 --> 0:12:15.040 one day you'll feel like number two. And so when 0:12:15.080 --> 0:12:18.200 we place these comparisons, we think when we're at the top, 0:12:18.240 --> 0:12:20.720 it will feel amazing. It won't because if you lived 0:12:20.720 --> 0:12:23.640 your life on comparison, even if you're at the top, 0:12:23.640 --> 0:12:26.240 you're now insecure and unsettled because you're like, what if 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:30.040 I lose this spot? And so comparing and then criticizing 0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:33.080 is probably the most obvious one out of all of them. Like, 0:12:33.160 --> 0:12:35.640 I remember when we were kids, we would watch people 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:38.560 on TV, me and my friends, and we'd laugh at like, 0:12:38.640 --> 0:12:41.000 how's that person on TV? They're not even talented? Like 0:12:41.000 --> 0:12:42.760 who are they? Who do they think they are? But 0:12:42.800 --> 0:12:44.320 then what were we doing? We were just sitting on 0:12:44.320 --> 0:12:48.040 our couches. So I remember being that kid where we 0:12:48.040 --> 0:12:50.760 were just so critical of other people. And as time's 0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:54.280 gone on, I realized that but that person tried. They 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:56.440 put themselves out there. Yes they may be made mistakes, 0:12:56.480 --> 0:12:58.800 Yeah they're probably not perfect, but at least they put 0:12:58.840 --> 0:13:01.760 themselves out there, whereas I'm sitting on the couch, you know, 0:13:01.840 --> 0:13:05.480 criticizing and so removing, complaining, comparing and criticizing. Now, that 0:13:05.480 --> 0:13:07.720 doesn't mean you can't open up to your friends. It 0:13:07.760 --> 0:13:10.839 doesn't mean you can't share how you feel like. I'm 0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:12.560 not saying you can't do any of that stuff, but 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:14.320 I'm just saying being mindful of that can help. 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:18.400 How do we then shift our mindset from being negative 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:21.320 to weak? Because it's easier said than done to be like, 0:13:21.360 --> 0:13:23.480 oh today, I'm happy and everything's going to be good. 0:13:23.520 --> 0:13:26.200 And people, I think put too much weight on emotions 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:29.440 in general. They think being sad or angry at whatever 0:13:29.480 --> 0:13:32.920 it is is negative, it's bad versus just passing emotion. 0:13:33.360 --> 0:13:36.000 So how do you kind of able to shift those feelings? 0:13:36.120 --> 0:13:39.960 Yeah, so I feel like there's there's four things that 0:13:40.000 --> 0:13:47.120 we're experiencing at any moment, our thoughts, our actions, our feelings, 0:13:47.800 --> 0:13:50.720 and that in a sense of knowing that we all have. 0:13:51.040 --> 0:13:53.920 So you have your thinking, your behaving, your feeling, and 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:56.160 your knowing. And what you just said is, and I 0:13:56.240 --> 0:13:59.320 agree with you, we place way too much emphasis on 0:13:59.360 --> 0:14:02.880 our feelings. And our feelings are like you just said, 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:05.920 they're near, they can move, they can pass, they're here, 0:14:06.000 --> 0:14:09.199 they're gone. They change. But the way you change your 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:11.280 feelings is not with how you feel. The way you 0:14:11.360 --> 0:14:14.240 change your feelings is by how you think, how you 0:14:14.360 --> 0:14:17.280 act and how you know, And so I spend more 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:19.760 time trying to think. Am I happy with the thoughts 0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:22.240 in my head? Not? Am I feeling happy? Oh? 0:14:22.280 --> 0:14:22.800 I like that. 0:14:23.080 --> 0:14:25.600 Am I happy with what I do with my day? 0:14:25.960 --> 0:14:26.040 Not? 0:14:26.160 --> 0:14:29.320 Am I feeling happy? Because if I change my thoughts 0:14:29.360 --> 0:14:32.440 and I change my actions, I will change how I feel. 0:14:32.640 --> 0:14:34.840 But I'm not going to change my feelings by my feelings. 0:14:35.320 --> 0:14:37.520 That's really interesting. That's a really good perspective. 0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:39.840 Thank you. Yeah, I've been really spending a lot of 0:14:39.880 --> 0:14:42.480 time on that recently because I agree with you so 0:14:42.640 --> 0:14:46.600 much that I wake up feeling tired. Sometimes I wake 0:14:46.680 --> 0:14:48.560 up feeling like, oh I don't want to get up today. 0:14:48.560 --> 0:14:52.280 I have those feelings, those. 0:14:51.440 --> 0:14:55.240 Feelings, Yeah, I genuinely do, and I realized, but that feeling, 0:14:55.640 --> 0:14:58.080 I can't do anything with it. All I can do 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:01.160 is accept it. I'm not going to pretend it's not there. 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:02.920 I'm not going to pretend to be positive. I'm not 0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:05.200 going to say I'm Jay Shelley. I have to pretend 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:07.720 to be positive. That's not going to help anyone. And 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:10.920 I wouldn't say to anyone, Hey, just say something positive, dear, 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:13.960 so I'll be happy. That doesn't work. That's toxic positivity. 0:15:14.400 --> 0:15:17.240 And so what I would suggest is focus on let 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:19.840 me change my thoughts and let me change my actions. 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:22.520 So if I now change my thought to be I 0:15:22.560 --> 0:15:26.120 am tired, but I will sleep early tonight. Right, I 0:15:26.320 --> 0:15:30.680 am feeling a bit upset this morning, I'll reflect for 0:15:30.720 --> 0:15:33.560 a few minutes today in journal to figure out what's 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:36.040 going on. Right, all of a sudden, I've changed my 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:39.080 thought from being I'm tired to I'm tired and I'll 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:42.560 sleep early. And I've added a behavior which means my 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:44.440 thoughts and behaviors will change how I feel. 0:15:44.560 --> 0:15:47.120 I love that, right, so, and as a solution, because 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:48.880 I think a lot of times we don't realize that 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:51.520 whatever we're feeling has to do with other things. Like 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:55.480 for the longest time, I was anxious with driving, and 0:15:55.520 --> 0:15:58.120 I kept thinking it was because I was just scared 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:00.720 of driving. And then I really sat I went backwards 0:16:00.720 --> 0:16:02.360 to figure out why am I so scared of driving? 0:16:02.360 --> 0:16:04.040 And I realized because when I get on the road, 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:07.040 on the freeway specifically, I have no control over other people. 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:09.440 And I was like, oh, it's my control issues. And 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:13.040 then once I processed, okay, I cannot control other people, 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.480 I can control myself in my car. So once I 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:18.520 came to that process, I realized, I'm not scared of driving. 0:16:18.720 --> 0:16:20.600 I'm just a control freak and I need to get 0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:21.000 over it. 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:23.880 That's a great example, And that's a great example if 0:16:23.880 --> 0:16:26.280 you have to change your thoughts in order to change 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:29.240 how you feel. You can't just say I'm going to 0:16:29.240 --> 0:16:31.880 be a good driver. I love driving. Everything's okay, Like 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:34.280 you can't just say that. It doesn't solve the problem. 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:36.440 So I love that example. That's a great. 0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:38.480 Example, right, But I don't think I always realize that. 0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:40.640 That's how I think. So I love the everything that 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:42.720 you said because it's a reminder from myself because a 0:16:42.720 --> 0:16:44.440 lot of times I can be in my feelings and 0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:48.000 I love Yeah, I love the processing backwards. Okay, what 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:51.440 can I do? What actions can I take to change this? 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:54.040 I love that. So then, what would you say, in 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:57.240 the course of your career, the best advice you've ever gone? 0:16:57.520 --> 0:16:59.920 I mean you have so many, that's a good. 0:16:59.760 --> 0:17:02.400 Guy, best advice I've ever got, and I want to 0:17:02.440 --> 0:17:04.919 give you something really special and thoughtful. So let me think. 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:07.439 By the way, we have the same editor, so he 0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:09.120 knows exactly how to cut everything. 0:17:08.880 --> 0:17:10.600 Right, yeah, Oh, I love No, you can leave this 0:17:10.640 --> 0:17:13.080 in there. I like the reality of me thinking about 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:15.679 something because I really want to honor it's a great question, 0:17:15.760 --> 0:17:17.439 and I don't just want to say something. It's like, 0:17:17.480 --> 0:17:20.800 I'd rather give you something that I really really feel 0:17:20.880 --> 0:17:24.000 is the best advice I've ever heard. I remember sitting 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:27.639 with one of my mentors once he passed away from 0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:34.320 stage four brain cancer around three years ago, and losing 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:37.600 him was tough because he was the first person i'd 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:39.960 call when something good happened, and he'd be the person 0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:43.560 I want to share it with. And I remember, years 0:17:43.600 --> 0:17:48.679 before my external online journey happened, before people were aware 0:17:48.720 --> 0:17:51.159 of my work, I was sitting with him and I 0:17:51.160 --> 0:17:53.600 said to him, I said, I have so many ideas, 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:56.040 and I have so many things I want to do, 0:17:56.960 --> 0:17:58.719 and I don't know where to start. And I think 0:17:58.800 --> 0:18:00.639 this is a common thing that I hear a lot 0:18:00.680 --> 0:18:02.399 of people say to me today, where it's like I 0:18:02.400 --> 0:18:04.360 could start a company, I can start this. I want 0:18:04.359 --> 0:18:05.760 to write a book, I want to do a podcast, 0:18:05.800 --> 0:18:07.280 I want to do social media. Whatever. It is that 0:18:07.280 --> 0:18:08.960 people have so many ideas, but it's like where do 0:18:09.040 --> 0:18:11.760 I start. And he said to me Jay. He said, 0:18:11.920 --> 0:18:16.520 he said start everything. He said open every door, and 0:18:16.560 --> 0:18:20.480 he said doors will naturally start to close or some 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:25.040 won't open. Just keep walking through the ones that stay open. 0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:27.800 And if I look at the last five years of 0:18:27.800 --> 0:18:29.320 my life, seven years of my life that I've been 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:33.240 doing this online externally, I can honestly say that that's 0:18:33.240 --> 0:18:37.160 all I've done. I've knocked on every door. Some have opened, 0:18:37.200 --> 0:18:40.840 some haven't, and some have opened and then later closed, 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:44.240 and I've just kept walking through the ones that stay open. 0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:46.439