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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be

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Speaker 1: adding a really special offering onto the back of my

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Speaker 1: solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily

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Speaker 1: series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while

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Speaker 1: outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress

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Speaker 1: free life. We dive into a range of topics and

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Speaker 1: the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,

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Speaker 1: so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter

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Speaker 1: how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the

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Speaker 1: on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for

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Speaker 1: you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily

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Speaker 1: Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're

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Speaker 1: tackling the topic of mindset and how to approach life

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Speaker 1: with focus, perspective, and positivity. Of course, if you want

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Speaker 1: to listen to The Daily Jay every day, you have

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Speaker 1: to subscribe to Calm, So go to calm dot com

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Speaker 1: forward slash j for forty percent off your membership today.

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Speaker 2: Hi that season, Welcome to a brand new almost adulting,

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Speaker 2: the largest self love podcast and movement, your number one

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Speaker 2: destination for personal growth and mental health. I'm your big

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Speaker 2: sister and your host Bioletta. So our guest today is

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Speaker 2: Jay Shaddy. He is the number one New York Times

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Speaker 2: best selling author of the books Think Like a Monk

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Speaker 2: and his newest one, which we'll discuss today, A Rules

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Speaker 2: of Love. He's also the host of the award winning

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Speaker 2: podcast On Purpose and Chief Purpose officer of Calm Welcome.

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Speaker 1: Hey, thank you so much for having me. It's so

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Speaker 1: nice to be in your home. I appreciate it. Thank

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Speaker 1: you for being so welcoming and gracious.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I also love that your eyes match. You're

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Speaker 2: sure looks really good.

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Speaker 1: Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.

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Speaker 2: You know, only two percent of people in the world

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Speaker 2: have green eyes.

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Speaker 1: I did not know that. Is that true?

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Speaker 2: Are you joking?

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Speaker 1: I genuinely did not know that.

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Speaker 2: Oh. I just assume anyone agreed you were part of

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Speaker 2: the two percent?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, my wife, Oh, you're right, Okay, do you have

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Speaker 1: green eyes?

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Speaker 2: Maybe? God? Okay, then it would just seemed like everyone has. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: that's so funny. I actually not know that. I feel

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Speaker 2: like normally people with a blue or green eyes were like,

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Speaker 2: look in my eyes.

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Speaker 1: It's so funny. I feel like when you grow up

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Speaker 1: with something, whether it's eyes or a skill, or whatever

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Speaker 1: it maybe you don't notice it, like you don't notice

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Speaker 1: it as much when you have something. You notice it

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Speaker 1: when other people notice it, because yeah, you kind of

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Speaker 1: see as normal.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I guess I guess you're right. That's true.

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Speaker 2: All right, So I'm just shallow, not cool? No, okay,

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Speaker 2: So before we dive into your book, which we have

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Speaker 2: here if you're watching the video, this is right here.

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Speaker 2: It's an awesome book and I've been loving it. But

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Speaker 2: before we dive into the book, I thought it'd be

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Speaker 2: nice to kind of get to know you, since on

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Speaker 2: your show a lot of the time you dive into

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Speaker 2: your guests, So I thought this was finding that.

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Speaker 1: Let's do it.

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Speaker 2: Your journey has taken you from being a monk to

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Speaker 2: becoming a popular motivational speaker, New York Times bestselling author,

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Speaker 2: and I was kind of wondering, how did you make

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Speaker 2: that transition and what was the biggest challenge you would

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Speaker 2: say that you face during that process.

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Speaker 1: I mean, the transition is like you're looking at like

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Speaker 1: ten years, you know, of time in between. So I

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Speaker 1: left the monastery exactly ten years ago right now, and

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Speaker 1: so the journey you see is like it looks quick

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Speaker 1: online sometimes, but then the actual journey is so much

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Speaker 1: more slower and harder. And I'd said the transition happened

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Speaker 1: in so many different phases, and that's kind of how

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of our life transitions happened. So

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Speaker 1: when I left the monastery, I ended up moving back

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Speaker 1: in with my parents in London, and for like twelve

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Speaker 1: months I was just struggling to find work. No one

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Speaker 1: wanted to hire someone who had been a monk before.

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Speaker 1: People were like, what are your transferable skills? Sitting still

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Speaker 1: and being silent, Like, we don't need that, right, And

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Speaker 1: so I just spent a lot of time like trying

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Speaker 1: to find myself again, reconnect again. I'd forgotten how to

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Speaker 1: do small talk. This would have been really tough for

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Speaker 1: me to do like I would have. I didn't know

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Speaker 1: who the Prime Minister of England was. I didn't know

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Speaker 1: who won the World Cup. I didn't know what the

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Speaker 1: latest movies were or music was. I had no idea,

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Speaker 1: And so there was a whole period that was just reconnecting.

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Speaker 1: And so the version of me you see today is

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Speaker 1: like going back to being myself and reconnected again. But

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Speaker 1: at that time, there was this whole phase of just

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Speaker 1: reintegration and reconnecting with society. And then after that, I

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Speaker 1: went back into the world of work, which really helped

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Speaker 1: me kind of get a sense of what was going

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Speaker 1: on and how things were. And then after working in

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Speaker 1: the corporate world for around two three years, that's when

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Speaker 1: I was like, I don't feel like this is my purpose.

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Speaker 1: I don't feel like this is what I was meant

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Speaker 1: to do. I feel like I had that experience because

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Speaker 1: I wanted to share what I'd learned to help people.

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Speaker 1: I've learned all these amazing techniques like meditation and mindfulness,

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Speaker 1: and I've learned so many disciplines, and I've learned so

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Speaker 1: much incredible wisdom from this experience. My goal must be

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Speaker 1: to have to share it with people, right And I

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Speaker 1: was sharing it while I was working in the companies

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Speaker 1: and everything. So the biggest challenge I'd say I've had,

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Speaker 1: which I think hopefully will relate to the people that

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Speaker 1: are watching and listening right now, is allowing yourself to change,

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Speaker 1: allowing your self to say I want to be more. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and it's okay to want to transform and change and grow.

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Speaker 1: I don't have to stay stuck. I don't have to

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Speaker 1: stay the same. If I don't want to. And I

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Speaker 1: think that's the greatest challenge that you go through, is

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Speaker 1: allowing yourself, giving yourself the permission to be more of who.

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Speaker 2: You are, right Because normally before you make that decision

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Speaker 2: or say that to yourself, a lot of times people

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Speaker 2: first look at that as failure. They think, oh, I

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Speaker 2: failed exactly, versus saying I'm allowed to change my mind anytime,

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Speaker 2: or I'm allowed to wake up today and decide that

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Speaker 2: this is not enough for me. So how do you

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Speaker 2: kind of switch from feeling like a failure or not

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Speaker 2: enough versus being like, no, this is just you know,

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Speaker 2: rock bottom, just only up from here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, I look at it as how much time

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Speaker 1: we have, right, Like, I think that a lot of

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Speaker 1: us don't recognize a lot of us now today feel like, gosh,

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Speaker 1: I'm getting old. And it's like we're not even that old, right, true,

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Speaker 1: Like you're in your thirties, your forties, or even your fifties,

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Speaker 1: and if you're in your twenties, definitely definitely not. And

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Speaker 1: if you're in your teens, you're definitely not. And it's

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Speaker 1: like we start putting this timeline and deadline on where

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Speaker 1: we're at, and I kind of look at life and

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Speaker 1: go There is no timeline or deadline. There is no schedule,

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Speaker 1: and I think we think about life as a schedule

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Speaker 1: because someone in our life told us go to college,

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Speaker 1: get a good job, get married, buy a house, like whatever.

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Speaker 1: It is. Right, there was this laid out plan, and

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Speaker 1: we're measuring ourselves according to that plan, as opposed to saying,

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Speaker 1: wait a minute, there is no plan. I can only

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Speaker 1: live my life. And so I think we have to

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Speaker 1: disconnect from society's approach to what life should look like

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Speaker 1: and recognize there is no should look like. There's only

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Speaker 1: the life you want to live.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I agree, over the course of your career, of

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Speaker 2: everything you've done. But would you say the worst advice

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Speaker 2: you've ever gone.

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Speaker 1: Ah, that's a good question. I'd actually say it applies

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Speaker 1: to that. The worst advice I've ever got is you're

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Speaker 1: too old, you're too young, you're too early, you're too late,

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Speaker 1: you're too underco you too overqualified. I feel like we

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Speaker 1: put these extremes on we put these limits, boundaries, deadlines,

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Speaker 1: schedules onto people, and I think that's bad advice. The

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Speaker 1: amount of people that have said to me, Jay, I

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Speaker 1: think you're too old to be doing this, or you're

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Speaker 1: too young to be doing this, or Jay, you know what,

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Speaker 1: you're just too underqualified for this role. Like I think

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Speaker 1: I've heard that so many times, and I think we

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Speaker 1: start to internalize these statements and then we give up

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Speaker 1: on our dreams or the things that are important to us.

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Speaker 1: And I think we live in a world right now

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Speaker 1: where I see you know, you see seventy year old YouTubers,

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Speaker 1: you see you know, you see ten year old YouTubers.

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Speaker 1: You see people doing things as in when they want

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Speaker 1: and can, And I think we've changed. I think the

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Speaker 1: world has shifted and changed where like someone may say, well,

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Speaker 1: I wanted to be an athlete and I'm too old

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Speaker 1: to be a premier league football player. Sure, but that

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean you can't play football on the weekends or

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Speaker 1: the evenings, or it doesn't stop you from doing what

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Speaker 1: you want to do. And I think that's the worst

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Speaker 1: advice that I've ever heard of, Like, it's not going

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Speaker 1: to work. That's not a good idea. It's only not

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Speaker 1: a good idea if you don't try it out.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean my mom, whenever I'm afraid of doing anything,

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Speaker 2: my mom always taught me that I'm only quote unquote

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Speaker 2: a loser because I've always get scared of being a loser.

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Speaker 2: If I fail people, everyone will know. But she said,

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Speaker 2: you're only a loser if you don't try. Yeah, and

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Speaker 2: I agree. Do you feel that sometimes when people give

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Speaker 2: you that advice you're too young or too old this,

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Speaker 2: and that is because they're projecting because they're scared they

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Speaker 2: can never do it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it comes and I have compassion for

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Speaker 1: that because I think we all project our limits onto

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Speaker 1: other people, and we all project our insecurities onto other people.

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Speaker 1: It's like if your friend says to you, oh, I'm

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Speaker 1: thinking about moving country and you've thought about it before,

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Speaker 1: but you don't think it's a good idea or you're

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Speaker 1: scared about it now. When they say, you go, oh no, no,

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Speaker 1: but have you thought about this, this and this, and

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Speaker 1: you like, you give them your thought process and they're like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: but those are not things I worry about. So I

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Speaker 1: think a lot of us, when we're giving advice or

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Speaker 1: receiving advice, need to recognize we need to not project

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Speaker 1: our insecurities and our issues onto other people. And saying,

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Speaker 1: when you hear advice from other people, make sure that

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Speaker 1: you're not just adopting their insecurities and their issues. You

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Speaker 1: have to filter that out for yourself.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree. When my family and I won the

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Speaker 2: Green Card lottery, all of our family members sold us

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Speaker 2: not to move. It would be so stupid from my

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Speaker 2: father this age. He was in his fifties, and thank god,

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Speaker 2: my dad didn't listen, and he moved our family to

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Speaker 2: the US, and then everyone else wanted to follow our

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Speaker 2: footsteps afterwards.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. That's a great example, right, And I think

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Speaker 1: that happens with everything. It's like your friend says to you,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I'm thinking of quitting my job, and

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Speaker 1: I want to start a podcast, or I want to

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Speaker 1: you know, whatever it may be. Now, you've also got

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Speaker 1: to understand that when your friend projects their issues and insecurities,

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Speaker 1: we shouldn't be upset about that. It's just someone trying

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Speaker 1: to care for you and they're trying to show you

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Speaker 1: love or they're looking out for you. And often thinking

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Speaker 1: it through is actually pretty helpful. Because I also think

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Speaker 1: we live in a world that you know, I feel

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Speaker 1: like we also just take these big rush changes as well,

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Speaker 1: Like I think a lot of us are also living

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Speaker 1: the other extreme, where it's like, Oh, I'm just going

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Speaker 1: to do it anyway, it doesn't matter. Yeah, And it's like,

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Speaker 1: maybe the middle approach is better. Like when I was

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Speaker 1: trying to find my passion in my purpose, I was

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Speaker 1: also working a day job that paid my bills, and

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Speaker 1: I spend my evenings and weekends doing what I love.

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Speaker 1: And I think that that transition's healthy because it provides safety,

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Speaker 1: it provides support, Whereas if I would have just thrown

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Speaker 1: everything away and made this jump, maybe it wouldn't have

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Speaker 1: worked because you don't create great work out of scarcity.

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Speaker 1: You don't create great work out of fear and insecurity. Oh.

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Speaker 2: I like that. That is a really good point. Also,

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Speaker 2: like the fact that you looked at the other perspective

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Speaker 2: of the fact that your friends or your family all

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Speaker 2: that they're not coming from a bad place when they're

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Speaker 2: giving you quote nquote poor advice. They're actually coming because

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Speaker 2: that's all they know and they're just trying to be helpful.

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Speaker 2: That's a nice perspect I just.

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Speaker 1: Want to live with no bidterness in my heart. You know,

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Speaker 1: I made that commitment a long time ago. I was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to live having bitter feelings or negative

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Speaker 1: feelings towards any person or any group of people, because

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Speaker 1: it doesn't carry me well, Like, it doesn't make me

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Speaker 1: feel good to walk around with a bitter heart.

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Speaker 2: I like that, and I know you focus a lot

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Speaker 2: about that, and I've spoken about that on my podcast

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Speaker 2: as well, that people don't understand how much negative emotions

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Speaker 2: can actually affect your to day life.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely. I think there's three things that I talk

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Speaker 1: about which I learned during my time in the monastery.

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Speaker 1: It's in my first book, Think like a Monk. Our

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Speaker 1: teachers would call it the cancers of the mind. And

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Speaker 1: so they said, complaining, comparing, and criticizing with the cancers

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Speaker 1: of the mind. When we complain reoccurringly, we lose control

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Speaker 1: of the situation. When you're complaining, you're basically saying I

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Speaker 1: can't influence this. So when you lose influence, you lose

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Speaker 1: your ability to transform your life. When you compare, you're

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Speaker 1: setting yourself up for failure. Because here's the thing. If

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Speaker 1: you feel ahead of other people, you'll always feel behind

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Speaker 1: other people in both ways. So if you're like I'm

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Speaker 1: now feeling ahead of the pack, that means one day

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Speaker 1: you'll feel behind. If you're saying now I'm number one,

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Speaker 1: one day you'll feel like number two. And so when

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Speaker 1: we place these comparisons, we think when we're at the top,

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Speaker 1: it will feel amazing. It won't because if you lived

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Speaker 1: your life on comparison, even if you're at the top,

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Speaker 1: you're now insecure and unsettled because you're like, what if

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Speaker 1: I lose this spot? And so comparing and then criticizing

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Speaker 1: is probably the most obvious one out of all of them. Like,

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Speaker 1: I remember when we were kids, we would watch people

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Speaker 1: on TV, me and my friends, and we'd laugh at like,

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Speaker 1: how's that person on TV? They're not even talented? Like

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Speaker 1: who are they? Who do they think they are? But

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Speaker 1: then what were we doing? We were just sitting on

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Speaker 1: our couches. So I remember being that kid where we

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Speaker 1: were just so critical of other people. And as time's

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Speaker 1: gone on, I realized that but that person tried. They

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Speaker 1: put themselves out there. Yes they may be made mistakes,

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Speaker 1: Yeah they're probably not perfect, but at least they put

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Speaker 1: themselves out there, whereas I'm sitting on the couch, you know,

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Speaker 1: criticizing and so removing, complaining, comparing and criticizing. Now, that

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean you can't open up to your friends. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean you can't share how you feel like. I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying you can't do any of that stuff, but

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Speaker 1: I'm just saying being mindful of that can help.

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Speaker 2: How do we then shift our mindset from being negative

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Speaker 2: to weak? Because it's easier said than done to be like,

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Speaker 2: oh today, I'm happy and everything's going to be good.

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Speaker 2: And people, I think put too much weight on emotions

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Speaker 2: in general. They think being sad or angry at whatever

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Speaker 2: it is is negative, it's bad versus just passing emotion.

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Speaker 2: So how do you kind of able to shift those feelings?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so I feel like there's there's four things that

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Speaker 1: we're experiencing at any moment, our thoughts, our actions, our feelings,

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Speaker 1: and that in a sense of knowing that we all have.

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Speaker 1: So you have your thinking, your behaving, your feeling, and

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Speaker 1: your knowing. And what you just said is, and I

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Speaker 1: agree with you, we place way too much emphasis on

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Speaker 1: our feelings. And our feelings are like you just said,

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Speaker 1: they're near, they can move, they can pass, they're here,

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Speaker 1: they're gone. They change. But the way you change your

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Speaker 1: feelings is not with how you feel. The way you

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Speaker 1: change your feelings is by how you think, how you

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Speaker 1: act and how you know, And so I spend more

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Speaker 1: time trying to think. Am I happy with the thoughts

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Speaker 1: in my head? Not? Am I feeling happy? Oh?

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Speaker 2: I like that.

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Speaker 1: Am I happy with what I do with my day?

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Speaker 2: Not?

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Speaker 1: Am I feeling happy? Because if I change my thoughts

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Speaker 1: and I change my actions, I will change how I feel.

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Speaker 1: But I'm not going to change my feelings by my feelings.

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Speaker 2: That's really interesting. That's a really good perspective.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. Yeah, I've been really spending a lot of

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Speaker 1: time on that recently because I agree with you so

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Speaker 1: much that I wake up feeling tired. Sometimes I wake

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Speaker 1: up feeling like, oh I don't want to get up today.

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Speaker 2: I have those feelings, those.

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Speaker 1: Feelings, Yeah, I genuinely do, and I realized, but that feeling,

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Speaker 1: I can't do anything with it. All I can do

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Speaker 1: is accept it. I'm not going to pretend it's not there.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to pretend to be positive. I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to say I'm Jay Shelley. I have to pretend

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Speaker 1: to be positive. That's not going to help anyone. And

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't say to anyone, Hey, just say something positive, dear,

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Speaker 1: so I'll be happy. That doesn't work. That's toxic positivity.

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Speaker 1: And so what I would suggest is focus on let

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Speaker 1: me change my thoughts and let me change my actions.

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Speaker 1: So if I now change my thought to be I

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Speaker 1: am tired, but I will sleep early tonight. Right, I

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Speaker 1: am feeling a bit upset this morning, I'll reflect for

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Speaker 1: a few minutes today in journal to figure out what's

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Speaker 1: going on. Right, all of a sudden, I've changed my

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Speaker 1: thought from being I'm tired to I'm tired and I'll

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Speaker 1: sleep early. And I've added a behavior which means my

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Speaker 1: thoughts and behaviors will change how I feel.

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Speaker 2: I love that, right, so, and as a solution, because

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Speaker 2: I think a lot of times we don't realize that

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Speaker 2: whatever we're feeling has to do with other things. Like

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Speaker 2: for the longest time, I was anxious with driving, and

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Speaker 2: I kept thinking it was because I was just scared

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Speaker 2: of driving. And then I really sat I went backwards

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Speaker 2: to figure out why am I so scared of driving?

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Speaker 2: And I realized because when I get on the road,

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Speaker 2: on the freeway specifically, I have no control over other people.

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Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, it's my control issues. And

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Speaker 2: then once I processed, okay, I cannot control other people,

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Speaker 2: I can control myself in my car. So once I

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Speaker 2: came to that process, I realized, I'm not scared of driving.

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Speaker 2: I'm just a control freak and I need to get

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Speaker 2: over it.

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Speaker 1: That's a great example, And that's a great example if

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Speaker 1: you have to change your thoughts in order to change

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Speaker 1: how you feel. You can't just say I'm going to

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Speaker 1: be a good driver. I love driving. Everything's okay, Like

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Speaker 1: you can't just say that. It doesn't solve the problem.

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Speaker 1: So I love that example. That's a great.

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Speaker 2: Example, right, But I don't think I always realize that.

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Speaker 2: That's how I think. So I love the everything that

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Speaker 2: you said because it's a reminder from myself because a

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Speaker 2: lot of times I can be in my feelings and

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Speaker 2: I love Yeah, I love the processing backwards. Okay, what

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Speaker 2: can I do? What actions can I take to change this?

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Speaker 2: I love that. So then, what would you say, in

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Speaker 2: the course of your career, the best advice you've ever gone?

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Speaker 2: I mean you have so many, that's a good.

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Speaker 1: Guy, best advice I've ever got, and I want to

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Speaker 1: give you something really special and thoughtful. So let me think.

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Speaker 2: By the way, we have the same editor, so he

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Speaker 2: knows exactly how to cut everything.

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Speaker 1: Right, yeah, Oh, I love No, you can leave this

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Speaker 1: in there. I like the reality of me thinking about

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Speaker 1: something because I really want to honor it's a great question,

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Speaker 1: and I don't just want to say something. It's like,

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Speaker 1: I'd rather give you something that I really really feel

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Speaker 1: is the best advice I've ever heard. I remember sitting

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Speaker 1: with one of my mentors once he passed away from

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Speaker 1: stage four brain cancer around three years ago, and losing

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Speaker 1: him was tough because he was the first person i'd

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Speaker 1: call when something good happened, and he'd be the person

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Speaker 1: I want to share it with. And I remember, years

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Speaker 1: before my external online journey happened, before people were aware

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Speaker 1: of my work, I was sitting with him and I

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Speaker 1: said to him, I said, I have so many ideas,

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Speaker 1: and I have so many things I want to do,

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Speaker 1: and I don't know where to start. And I think

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Speaker 1: this is a common thing that I hear a lot

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Speaker 1: of people say to me today, where it's like I

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Speaker 1: could start a company, I can start this. I want

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Speaker 1: to write a book, I want to do a podcast,

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Speaker 1: I want to do social media. Whatever. It is that

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Speaker 1: people have so many ideas, but it's like where do

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Speaker 1: I start. And he said to me Jay. He said,

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Speaker 1: he said start everything. He said open every door, and

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Speaker 1: he said doors will naturally start to close or some

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Speaker 1: won't open. Just keep walking through the ones that stay open.

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Speaker 1: And if I look at the last five years of

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Speaker 1: my life, seven years of my life that I've been

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Speaker 1: doing this online externally, I can honestly say that that's

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Speaker 1: all I've done. I've knocked on every door. Some have opened,

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Speaker 1: some haven't, and some have opened and then later closed,

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Speaker 1: and I've just kept walking through the ones that stay open.

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Speaker 1: And the reason why I think it's the best advice

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Speaker 1: I ever received is we often paralyze ourselves with procrastination

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Speaker 1: of choice of what do I do, Where do I start,

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Speaker 1: what's the perfect route, what's the perfect path, what's the

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Speaker 1: right thing for me to do? And it's like you

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Speaker 1: have no idea. You can only try everything and see

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Speaker 1: what feels right and see what stays open. But it's

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Speaker 1: not up to you to figure it out in your

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Speaker 1: head what your purpose is. I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: us are trying to figure out our passion, our purpose,

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Speaker 1: our career path, our hobbies, everything in our head. And

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Speaker 1: it's like you're not going to figure out in your head.

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Speaker 1: You're going to see it unfold in front of you.

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Speaker 1: And so I'd say that was the best advice I

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Speaker 1: ever heard.

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Speaker 2: That is actually beautiful, amazing advice, and I think it's

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Speaker 2: always inspiring. I mean, you know in the back of

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Speaker 2: your head that every person that you look up to,

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Speaker 2: or every person that's out there that seems very successful,

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Speaker 2: you know in the back of your head, oh, they

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Speaker 2: must have failed once or twice, but you forget. So

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Speaker 2: it's interesting whenever when I hear you speak and then

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Speaker 2: you mentioned, oh, a lot of doors have closed, and

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Speaker 2: then I just keep going for the ones to open.

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Speaker 2: You're like, right, of course, I forget that for a second.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And that pleased everyone. I can honestly say, with

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Speaker 1: every person I know that is massively successful, and every

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Speaker 1: person that I've worked with or coached or had on

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Speaker 1: the podcast or whatever it may be, every single one

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Speaker 1: of those people will say that they still have doors

431
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,399
Speaker 1: closed on them. So to speak of myself, there are

432
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,440
Speaker 1: people who are far more prolific in their fields that

433
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,120
Speaker 1: still go through the same thing. And I think that

434
00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:14,600
Speaker 1: that actually is the reminder. Like to me, I love

435
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:18,480
Speaker 1: studying people's lives that I love, and I encourage everyone

436
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,840
Speaker 1: who admires anyone. Don't just watch that person's TV show

437
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:28,600
Speaker 1: and movie, don't just listen to their music, study their life, right,

438
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,879
Speaker 1: study their life, actually look at how they lived. So

439
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,280
Speaker 1: for me, I grew up studying Steve Jobs's life because

440
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,560
Speaker 1: I was a big fan of Steve Jobs. And if

441
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,440
Speaker 1: you look at the amount of failure that guy has

442
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,960
Speaker 1: had is insane. Like he got kicked out of his

443
00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:46,359
Speaker 1: own company. Imagine building Apple and being kicked out of

444
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,840
Speaker 1: the company you build. I don't think there's a bigger

445
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,920
Speaker 1: failure than that, or a bigger rejection than that. Then

446
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:55,199
Speaker 1: he went and built Pixar and then went back to Apple. Like,

447
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:59,040
Speaker 1: it's an incredible story. And I think when you uncover that,

448
00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:01,400
Speaker 1: you go, oh, well, if that hapen to Steve Jobs,

449
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:03,560
Speaker 1: then it's okay. If it happens to me, right, and

450
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:04,560
Speaker 1: you get used to it.

451
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,760
Speaker 2: I love that. Yeah, I love that you forget. Especially

452
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,359
Speaker 2: with social media now, a lot of times people just

453
00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:13,720
Speaker 2: focus on everyone's highlight reels and they forget all the

454
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,400
Speaker 2: failing because no one's really gonna sit there, like, hey, guys,

455
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,560
Speaker 2: today really sucked. So like I haven't showered in four

456
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,040
Speaker 2: days anyway, by my book, like you're not gonna you know,

457
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,159
Speaker 2: it's hard to always be that open.

458
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:28,320
Speaker 1: Yeah. And also I think, like, stop just following people

459
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:33,199
Speaker 1: on Instagram, stop just watching people's TV shows, stop just

460
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:37,199
Speaker 1: watching people's movies, and listen to people's music. Study the

461
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:40,719
Speaker 1: lives of the people you love and admire. Study their lives,

462
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:44,680
Speaker 1: and that will inform your life's path so much more

463
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 1: genuinely and authentically. Instead of just watching and following people,

464
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:54,840
Speaker 1: let's start understanding them so that we can follow in

465
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,280
Speaker 1: their footsteps in our own way, in our own lives.

466
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,919
Speaker 2: I like that. That's part of taking a chance on

467
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,360
Speaker 2: your own life versus just living through someone else's life exactly.

468
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,800
Speaker 2: I really like that. Okay, so then, what's one advice

469
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,239
Speaker 2: you've gone over the course of your career that you

470
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,240
Speaker 2: wish you would have listened to earlier?

471
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:16,399
Speaker 1: Oh? Great questions? All right, and I'm pronouncing your name Violetta.

472
00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:18,760
Speaker 2: Right, yeah, Violetta Violet.

473
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, no, no, I like saying it like I said.

474
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:24,440
Speaker 1: I all, I remember from my Russian classes thre Ust

475
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:28,919
Speaker 1: three minas Jay, that's so good. I remember. This is

476
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,879
Speaker 1: really embarrassing, but I was fifteen years old, so I

477
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,879
Speaker 1: was fifteen years old. When we studied Russian in school,

478
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,000
Speaker 1: we learned how to speak and write. I could speak

479
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,399
Speaker 1: and write fluently for that year, and we went to

480
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,880
Speaker 1: Russia on a school trip. So I went to Saint

481
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,040
Speaker 1: Petersburg in Moscow.

482
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,320
Speaker 2: I'm from Saint petersh Way.

483
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:48,199
Speaker 1: It's beautiful, like I loved. I literally fell in love

484
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,320
Speaker 1: with the Russia when I visited that.

485
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,280
Speaker 2: I always say thank you. People tell me where I'm

486
00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:53,320
Speaker 2: farm as beautiful as if like I created it. I'm like,

487
00:22:53,359 --> 00:22:54,080
Speaker 2: thank you so much.

488
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 1: I get that. And and this is the embarrassing part.

489
00:22:58,080 --> 00:22:59,359
Speaker 1: I used to think I was really cool when I

490
00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:03,720
Speaker 1: was fifteen and walk around telling young girls that I

491
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,600
Speaker 1: saw that that they were really beautiful in Russian, and

492
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,160
Speaker 1: I thought they'd find me cute. But then I realized

493
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,920
Speaker 1: that the language I was using was more telling them

494
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,080
Speaker 1: that they look like a beautiful building. Like It's more

495
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:16,399
Speaker 1: like it's the language. So you can translate this for

496
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,119
Speaker 1: me and say, if I'm saying it, I still remember it.

497
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:21,600
Speaker 1: It's that strong, it's toy orchin crassy boy? Am I

498
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,240
Speaker 1: saying that? What am I actually saying?

499
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,520
Speaker 2: No, you're saying it, but you're saying it to a boy.

500
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,840
Speaker 1: Right, Oh, Wow, there we go. Even better, there we go.

501
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:28,560
Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying.

502
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:29,960
Speaker 2: You're saying it to a boy.

503
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:36,840
Speaker 1: You actually say that, Okay, and you said boy boy.

504
00:23:37,119 --> 00:23:38,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's like you're either saying it to a boy,

505
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,320
Speaker 2: you're saying it to an object.

506
00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 1: That's amazing. All right. Anyway, there's my embarrassing story from you.

507
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:44,840
Speaker 2: Still in Russia.

508
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,600
Speaker 1: No, I can't. I can't. I wish I could. I

509
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,280
Speaker 1: didn't have. Again, it comes down to any skill in

510
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,040
Speaker 1: the world. I didn't have Russian, like I didn't have

511
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,399
Speaker 1: any friends that spoke the language. I didn't you know.

512
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:57,600
Speaker 1: But anyway, I digress. Your question was not telling me

513
00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:58,760
Speaker 1: embarassing stories.

514
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,600
Speaker 2: About big secret. I can't write or read in Russian,

515
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,520
Speaker 2: but people always forget that, so they'll write to me

516
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,320
Speaker 2: listeners and things like that. I'll write to me in

517
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:09,919
Speaker 2: Russian and then I asked my mom what it means,

518
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,639
Speaker 2: and then I respond to them in Russian, and my

519
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,639
Speaker 2: mom actually has been writing it for me because some

520
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:17,480
Speaker 2: people don't actually know that I can't read. Itsh it's embarrassing.

521
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:19,680
Speaker 1: I get that, I get Yeah.

522
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,680
Speaker 2: Sorry, your question was what advice that I wish.

523
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:23,439
Speaker 1: I practiced sooner?

524
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:24,440
Speaker 2: Yeah?

525
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:29,200
Speaker 1: I think there's something really interesting about speed and pace

526
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,320
Speaker 1: in life and especially career. As you asked a question

527
00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:35,200
Speaker 1: about career. When you're starting out, you have to make

528
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,920
Speaker 1: a lot of quick decisions and you have to move

529
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,479
Speaker 1: quite fast in order to get something off the ground.

530
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,520
Speaker 1: But that comes with a lot of mistakes and baggage,

531
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,280
Speaker 1: and sometimes you set yourself up for issues in the future.

532
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:53,040
Speaker 1: And I found that I'm happy I started fast, but

533
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:57,760
Speaker 1: I think as things grew fast as well, I wish

534
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 1: I slowed down earlier to really take the time to

535
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:06,760
Speaker 1: be really mindful about certain career choices and about even

536
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:10,240
Speaker 1: the people you invite into your life through work and careers.

537
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:12,560
Speaker 1: And so I think sometimes when you're moving fast, you

538
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:15,280
Speaker 1: like you just work with everyone, you work with anyone.

539
00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:16,800
Speaker 1: You just want to get on with it. You want

540
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:19,399
Speaker 1: to get going. People would always say your team is

541
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,560
Speaker 1: the most important thing. The people around you the most

542
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,200
Speaker 1: important thing. And today I am so grateful for the

543
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,720
Speaker 1: amazing team I have around me, and He's in the room,

544
00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:29,320
Speaker 1: and a bunch of incredible people that I have in

545
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:33,120
Speaker 1: my team who I'm so proud of. But I think

546
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:37,959
Speaker 1: that the idea of being selective and thoughtful wasn't always

547
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,639
Speaker 1: there for me because you're just trying to move and

548
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,919
Speaker 1: get stuff done, and I think there's a time and

549
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,080
Speaker 1: place for that. I'm not saying you shouldn't be that way,

550
00:25:44,119 --> 00:25:45,920
Speaker 1: because in the beginning you just got to go with it.

551
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:49,320
Speaker 1: But I wish I started thinking about that earlier. And

552
00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:51,720
Speaker 1: I'm glad I figured it out now, but I wish

553
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,439
Speaker 1: I could I could have thought about that even earlier.

554
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,280
Speaker 2: I like that. I think that is really good advice

555
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,480
Speaker 2: we do forget to slow down. And I mean I

556
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,560
Speaker 2: think even when I'm asking you a question and you

557
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 2: take a second to think it through, the atmosphere in

558
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,480
Speaker 2: the room changes, suddenly I slow down and then I

559
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,639
Speaker 2: wait for you to speak. So I just it is

560
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 2: interesting how slowing down in general is really good.

561
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:15,879
Speaker 1: Yeah. And I think we think slowing down means achieving less, Yeah,

562
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,440
Speaker 1: And I don't think that's true. I think slowing down

563
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,600
Speaker 1: can actually make you more impactful. If you look at

564
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,720
Speaker 1: some of the best I'm a big fan of rap

565
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,520
Speaker 1: and hip hop music, or I was growing up at

566
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:28,080
Speaker 1: least like Kendrick Lamar takes like two to three years

567
00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:31,600
Speaker 1: to create an album like He's slowed down, right, But

568
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:35,240
Speaker 1: every time it comes out, everyone's really excited and they're pumped,

569
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:38,359
Speaker 1: and the album's always dope and everyone's like, Wow, that's

570
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,639
Speaker 1: art or that's a masterpiece. And so not everyone's going

571
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,600
Speaker 1: to be okay with waiting three years for an album. Yeah,

572
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,240
Speaker 1: but if that's what you're trying to create, then that's

573
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:48,040
Speaker 1: what it's going to take.

574
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,040
Speaker 2: Yeah. I like that, and I think it's really important

575
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,359
Speaker 2: for anyone out there, is the slowing down. And then

576
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,359
Speaker 2: I think also there's just that memory of the fact

577
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,000
Speaker 2: that you kind of brush with it in the beginning

578
00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,639
Speaker 2: about how in a way, if someone's giving you advice

579
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,160
Speaker 2: and some what you want to hear, it's you may

580
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 2: just be in the wrong room. I think a lot

581
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,280
Speaker 2: of people stop too fast, you know, they're just instead

582
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,800
Speaker 2: of slowing down, just being like, okay, and I've done

583
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,800
Speaker 2: I've done stand up a while back of one of

584
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 2: my shows, and I kind of explained that, you know,

585
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,480
Speaker 2: if today no one laughed at my jokes, I'm not

586
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:21,679
Speaker 2: going to just give up. It just means I was

587
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,120
Speaker 2: in the wrong room and I'm just going to keep

588
00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,000
Speaker 2: going to the until I find the right people in

589
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,440
Speaker 2: the right room. So but I like that because I

590
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,439
Speaker 2: have to do with all the doors they close on

591
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 2: you and open and you're slowing down and find me

592
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:37,960
Speaker 2: correct teams. So very monk, I'm very bad at slowing down.

593
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: So mine, so am I. I think it's it's the

594
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,400
Speaker 1: pace of the world we live in, right, I think

595
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,320
Speaker 1: even you look at let's look at the creator world

596
00:27:44,359 --> 00:27:46,800
Speaker 1: like you look at someone like mister Beast who shifted

597
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 1: to being like, I'm only going to create a video

598
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:52,159
Speaker 1: every month. Most YouTubers up until now thought they had

599
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,520
Speaker 1: to create a YouTube video every day. Right, And here's

600
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,280
Speaker 1: you know, the biggest guy on YouTube of all time going,

601
00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:59,239
Speaker 1: I'm going to create one video a month and it's

602
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,720
Speaker 1: going to be the best video ever. But I'm going

603
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 1: to make one video a month, or maybe two videos

604
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,199
Speaker 1: a month. But it was different because we grew up,

605
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:08,479
Speaker 1: Like up until the last couple of years, YouTubers were

606
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,200
Speaker 1: making videos every day.

607
00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:13,560
Speaker 2: Well, it's always someone that starts it. Logan started Itgan, he.

608
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:15,240
Speaker 1: Did a great job with it. Two when he did that.

609
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 2: And then he was over it. But then because he

610
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,399
Speaker 2: starts something, then everyone else thinks they have to catch up.

611
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,439
Speaker 2: That's a comparison part exactly. I just have to keep up.

612
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:23,520
Speaker 2: I have to keep up with people are going to

613
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,720
Speaker 2: forget about me versus I'm here to create art and

614
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:26,880
Speaker 2: you need to slow down.

615
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:28,639
Speaker 1: And it may work for that person. Like there are

616
00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,240
Speaker 1: certain people who can make incredible things every day. I'm

617
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:33,800
Speaker 1: not saying there aren't people. I mean there's TV shows,

618
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:36,199
Speaker 1: there's radio shows that make something amazing every day. I

619
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:37,960
Speaker 1: think it's about figuring out what you want to make

620
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,160
Speaker 1: and not comparing it. So if you know what you

621
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,080
Speaker 1: want to make, you're not trying to keep up to

622
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,800
Speaker 1: someone else's pace. Yeah, and I think we're trying to

623
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,520
Speaker 1: keep up with someone else's speed rather than setting our

624
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:48,080
Speaker 1: own pace.

625
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 2: What's the biggest lie you've ever told yourself?

626
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:56,600
Speaker 1: Ooh? Or this could go one of two ways. One

627
00:28:56,640 --> 00:29:01,680
Speaker 1: is that I'm not good enough and the other one

628
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:07,080
Speaker 1: is I am good enough. And I'll explain. So when

629
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:09,600
Speaker 1: you tell yourself the lie I'm not good enough, a

630
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:14,160
Speaker 1: lot of us get into that self sabotage critical judgmental behavior.

631
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:21,280
Speaker 1: We just talked about comparison, complaining and criticizing. Often we complain, compare,

632
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:24,640
Speaker 1: and criticize more about ourselves than we do anyone else,

633
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:27,240
Speaker 1: So we look in the mirror. I hate the way

634
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:31,920
Speaker 1: I look we have a meeting with someone, Oh, they're

635
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 1: much smarter than I am. We are applying for a

636
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,240
Speaker 1: job or looking for an opportunity, and we think I'm

637
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:43,720
Speaker 1: not good enough, and we lie to ourselves because we'd

638
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,680
Speaker 1: rather than not put ourselves in the risky position of

639
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:51,200
Speaker 1: trying and accept failure before someone else rejects us. We

640
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:54,120
Speaker 1: often feel it's better to reject ourselves than for someone

641
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:57,960
Speaker 1: to reject us, and then that replays in our minds

642
00:29:58,000 --> 00:29:59,560
Speaker 1: and we keep saying I'm not good enough, and it's

643
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:03,120
Speaker 1: a lie because you don't know. And when you try something,

644
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,240
Speaker 1: when you give it a go, when you take an opportunity,

645
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:08,080
Speaker 1: you often realize you're better at things than you imagined.

646
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:10,960
Speaker 1: You're better at things than you ever thought you could

647
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:14,000
Speaker 1: be because you tried. And I've had personal experience of that,

648
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,440
Speaker 1: where you know, I was a really shy kid growing up,

649
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 1: but my parents forced me to go to public speaking

650
00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,960
Speaker 1: school when I was eleven years old. And they forced

651
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:24,600
Speaker 1: me to go because they were scared that I wouldn't

652
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:28,719
Speaker 1: be confident as a speaker. And they were right because

653
00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:31,520
Speaker 1: before then I used to get When I was seven

654
00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:35,440
Speaker 1: years old, I remember going on stage and the audience

655
00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:39,480
Speaker 1: thought I was not great as a performer as a speaker.

656
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:41,480
Speaker 2: So you were seven, Yeah, I mean you think you

657
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:42,160
Speaker 2: would do better.

658
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:43,720
Speaker 1: Well, let me tell you. Let me tell you what happened.

659
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:45,800
Speaker 1: Let me tell you the story about what happened. I

660
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:50,320
Speaker 1: was asked to speak at a school assembly and I

661
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,760
Speaker 1: was asked to speak and sing from my culture, so

662
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 1: from the Indian culture, and I was dressed in traditional

663
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:57,600
Speaker 1: Indian clothes. Now growing up, I was overweight and I

664
00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 1: was wearing these clothes and I didn't look so great

665
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:02,479
Speaker 1: in them, especially in front of the kids at my school.

666
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:04,360
Speaker 1: So I walked out and all the kids in the

667
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,320
Speaker 1: school started laughing. I then started singing. I do not

668
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:10,200
Speaker 1: have a good singing voice. I started singing this prayer

669
00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:13,640
Speaker 1: in my language and from where my parents are from,

670
00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 1: and everyone started laughing more Jesus. And then I started

671
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,240
Speaker 1: crying because I felt so embarrassed on stage. And then

672
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 1: I forgot the words and I looked down and my

673
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,400
Speaker 1: tears had smudged the words, so I completely lost track,

674
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:32,360
Speaker 1: and then everyone's completely lost it. And then my teacher

675
00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:34,840
Speaker 1: has to come on stage, put an arm around me

676
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:37,200
Speaker 1: and walk me off, which is even more embarrassing. As

677
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:39,320
Speaker 1: a seven year old, and so that was my first

678
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,959
Speaker 1: experience of public speaking, and so my parents really want

679
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,480
Speaker 1: me to go to public speaking school. But the point

680
00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:46,880
Speaker 1: is I was nervous to go. But if I never went,

681
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 1: I'd never be able to do what I do today.

682
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,680
Speaker 1: So you're not going to know until you go, right,

683
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 1: That's one side. The other lie of why I am

684
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,320
Speaker 1: good enough as a lie I've told myself is I've

685
00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:00,640
Speaker 1: applied for jobs that I don't have the qualifytions for

686
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 1: I've had and not I've never lied about who I am,

687
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,360
Speaker 1: but I've applied for things that I'm not good enough for,

688
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 1: or I've reached out to try and make things possible

689
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:12,160
Speaker 1: because you have to, right, You're not just going to

690
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:13,560
Speaker 1: sit there and be like, I'm going to wait till

691
00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:16,560
Speaker 1: I have it all together. And so I think it's

692
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:19,000
Speaker 1: important for people to recognize both of those ways, where

693
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,600
Speaker 1: sometimes you don't have to pretend you're good enough. You

694
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:23,360
Speaker 1: have to be honest and say, hey, I'm not good enough,

695
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:26,440
Speaker 1: but I love this opportunity. And I send messages like

696
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:28,840
Speaker 1: that all the time. I always send people a message saying, hey,

697
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:30,760
Speaker 1: I know you could do something way bigger than this,

698
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:33,360
Speaker 1: but this is what my idea is, and I'm okay

699
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:33,800
Speaker 1: with that.

700
00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:36,160
Speaker 2: That actually reminds me when I was at university and

701
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 2: we had some exam that I didn't study for and

702
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:43,040
Speaker 2: everyone else was studying right before the test and they're like, yeah,

703
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:45,200
Speaker 2: you're going to study, and I go no, because you

704
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,840
Speaker 2: know why, I have God. I don't know why I

705
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:49,640
Speaker 2: said that. In that moment, I said, I'll just say

706
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:51,680
Speaker 2: a little prayer and I'm going to score it. I'm

707
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,000
Speaker 2: going to get an A. I was overly confident and

708
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:56,560
Speaker 2: then I did my little prayer. Hey God, if you're listening,

709
00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:59,600
Speaker 2: it's your favorite you like, please give me an a.

710
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:02,640
Speaker 2: And everyone else studied. I took the test. Guess what happened.

711
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:06,200
Speaker 2: I failed. So I was like, okay, so that was

712
00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:07,240
Speaker 2: a little too confidence.

713
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,520
Speaker 1: So that's yeah, yeah exactly.

714
00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:14,040
Speaker 2: So yeah, that's a wonderful I mean, obviously, I'm not

715
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:16,240
Speaker 2: saying it's great that you got bullied when you were seven,

716
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,200
Speaker 2: but what a wonderful experience that you were able to

717
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:22,440
Speaker 2: take something like that and now your whole career is

718
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:23,280
Speaker 2: public speaking.

719
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:23,880
Speaker 1: Yeah.

720
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 2: I always love hearing stories like that that somebody decided

721
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 2: instead of caring about what everyone else thinks, you're like, Okay,

722
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:31,840
Speaker 2: you know what, watch me, and then you're like the

723
00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:33,160
Speaker 2: top motivational.

724
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:35,080
Speaker 1: Speare I'm not yeah, not even you know, like not

725
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:39,160
Speaker 1: even to I genuinely mean this again, like I never

726
00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:44,360
Speaker 1: do things with the intention of revenge or showing someone

727
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:48,240
Speaker 1: what I can do, because that means I'm still giving

728
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:51,720
Speaker 1: them the power and saying that how they feel about

729
00:33:51,760 --> 00:33:55,080
Speaker 1: me is still more important than how I feel about myself.

730
00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:58,160
Speaker 2: I like that. Can you kind of elaborate before we

731
00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:00,360
Speaker 2: dive into your book right now? Can you you kind

732
00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,920
Speaker 2: of elaborate really quick about why it's so important to

733
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:06,560
Speaker 2: forgive people just in your heart, not in general where

734
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:08,440
Speaker 2: you have to be around them again, but in your

735
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:09,839
Speaker 2: heart because it eats you up.

736
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:15,240
Speaker 1: So Yeah, when you carry around unforgiveness in your heart,

737
00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:22,720
Speaker 1: it's so heavy that it blocks energy from the things

738
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,600
Speaker 1: you really care about and want to do. Whereas when

739
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:30,720
Speaker 1: you choose to forgive, you're almost removing this massive boulder

740
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:34,960
Speaker 1: that's weighing on your heart, which then frees you up

741
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:38,920
Speaker 1: to love others and receive more love. And so if

742
00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:43,200
Speaker 1: your hand is holding tightly onto something, there's no space

743
00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:46,000
Speaker 1: to hold on to anything else. And if we're tightly

744
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:51,240
Speaker 1: holding on too revenge and bitterness and negativity towards someone,

745
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:57,040
Speaker 1: then there's no open palm for receiving love and connection

746
00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:02,000
Speaker 1: and compassion from someone else. And so, to me, forgiveness

747
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:06,520
Speaker 1: is not about forgetting and letting go of what the

748
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,840
Speaker 1: other person did or not setting boundaries. Forgiveness is saying

749
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:13,839
Speaker 1: I want to make space for more love, not less love.

750
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:16,600
Speaker 2: I like that. But do you think that some people

751
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:18,879
Speaker 2: they may not realize this, because I think I read

752
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:21,239
Speaker 2: this research a long time ago. Some speakers said this

753
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:24,640
Speaker 2: about how they think they don't want to be better,

754
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:26,719
Speaker 2: They think they don't want to be resempful of feel hate,

755
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:29,440
Speaker 2: but that's all they know. And sometimes it's scary too.

756
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,480
Speaker 2: If every day I wake up and I'm miserable, I'm

757
00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:34,920
Speaker 2: happy with my life or my purpose now just to

758
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,200
Speaker 2: hate someone else, it's scary then to wake up the

759
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 2: following day and be like, you know what, today I

760
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:40,279
Speaker 2: choose love, because then they're like, what am I going

761
00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,040
Speaker 2: to do with my life now? If I have so

762
00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:44,640
Speaker 2: much happiness to give instead of hating someone all day?

763
00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:48,279
Speaker 1: Yeah? I forget what book it is and I can't

764
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 1: remember it. But there's a concept that talks about how

765
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:59,040
Speaker 1: having a common enemy is often a way to unite people. Yeah, yeah,

766
00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:02,719
Speaker 1: and even with ourselves. And so that's what you're referring to.

767
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:08,440
Speaker 1: It's why so many yeah, religions, philosophies, brands have a

768
00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:12,080
Speaker 1: common evil so that we can get excited about defeating

769
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:15,759
Speaker 1: someone and beating someone. And I agree. It's not like

770
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:17,960
Speaker 1: waking up exactly. It's not waking up and saying I

771
00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:21,280
Speaker 1: choose love and that doesn't exist anymore. It's just saying

772
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:26,960
Speaker 1: I'm not living to prove or disprove anyone else because

773
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:30,319
Speaker 1: the only approval that matters is my own. So you're

774
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,920
Speaker 1: just saying I don't want to live to approve or

775
00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:35,160
Speaker 1: disprove anyone else. I only want to live for my

776
00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:38,239
Speaker 1: own approval. It's that decision as opposed to choosing love.

777
00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:43,160
Speaker 2: Do you kind of have some example, an idea of

778
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,839
Speaker 2: how you or a lesson in your time as a

779
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:49,600
Speaker 2: monk or after it where something kind of shaped your

780
00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:51,719
Speaker 2: perspective on love and relationships.

781
00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:59,120
Speaker 1: I'd say the biggest one was this idea that monks

782
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:04,720
Speaker 1: didn't wait to receive love. They chose to express love

783
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:11,040
Speaker 1: or kindness or compassion or joy in every meeting So

784
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:15,279
Speaker 1: what I found is that monks lived a life of

785
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:21,040
Speaker 1: love not because people loved them, but because they loved others.

786
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:23,960
Speaker 1: And I think we think about love as being something

787
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:27,279
Speaker 1: you get and receive and people give to you, as

788
00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 1: opposed to I can feel love just by being nice

789
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:33,040
Speaker 1: and kind to someone else, and when I choose to

790
00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:36,400
Speaker 1: do that, I am feeling love. And I think also

791
00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:40,400
Speaker 1: the idea that in the monastery, I felt a lot

792
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:42,840
Speaker 1: of love from my teachers, I felt a lot of

793
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,600
Speaker 1: love from my peers. I felt a lot of love

794
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:50,200
Speaker 1: from the people we served. And I think modern society

795
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:55,719
Speaker 1: has created romantic love and put romantic love on a pedestal.

796
00:37:56,239 --> 00:37:59,960
Speaker 1: So we think that if I have romantic love, then

797
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:03,839
Speaker 1: my life is perfect, and if I don't have romantic love,

798
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:07,920
Speaker 1: then I'm not worthy. And as a monk, you don't

799
00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:10,839
Speaker 1: have romantic love. But I felt so much love, which

800
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 1: made me realize that we shouldn't devalue other forms of love.

801
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:18,239
Speaker 1: Love for your parents, love for your children, love for

802
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:21,680
Speaker 1: your friends, love for your family. How can we say

803
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:25,360
Speaker 1: that there's a hierarchy of love. But I think subconsciously

804
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:27,440
Speaker 1: we do. I think somewhere in our hearts we believe

805
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:31,319
Speaker 1: that the epitome of love is between two people who

806
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:34,640
Speaker 1: romantically love each other. Right, But I would disagree with that.

807
00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 1: I'd say that there are lots of different types of

808
00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:38,799
Speaker 1: love and none of them should be compared to the other.

809
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:41,719
Speaker 2: I like that because in your book Eight Rules of Love,

810
00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:44,040
Speaker 2: there's two of the rules. One of them do you

811
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:46,560
Speaker 2: discuss service, what you can do for others? Another one

812
00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:49,239
Speaker 2: you discuss unconditional love, which we're going to dive into,

813
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:52,719
Speaker 2: because for me, it's hard to see how unconditional love

814
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:56,440
Speaker 2: is possible. I think people want that, But me personally,

815
00:38:56,480 --> 00:38:59,160
Speaker 2: from my own experience when I've come to unconditional love

816
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,359
Speaker 2: is that love comes. Growing up, it felt like love

817
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:06,240
Speaker 2: comes with terms and conditions, and if I don't fulfill

818
00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,239
Speaker 2: a certain term or people get everything they need for me,

819
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:13,480
Speaker 2: they leave. So is do you think unconditional love is

820
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:17,720
Speaker 2: actually realistic? I think, of course you do. Obviously.

821
00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:22,839
Speaker 1: I think unconditional love is real I just don't know

822
00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:27,080
Speaker 1: if it's realistic for two people in a romantic relationship

823
00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:29,239
Speaker 1: as quickly as people want it to.

824
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:31,520
Speaker 2: Be, Okay, it's quickly. Yeah, I like that.

825
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 1: So I think that unconditional love is a tall order

826
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:41,840
Speaker 1: and reciprocal love is more realistic. What you just described

827
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:46,640
Speaker 1: is transactional love, and below that is no love. So

828
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:50,399
Speaker 1: if you look at love as layers, when you meet

829
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:53,000
Speaker 1: someone new, you don't love them and they don't love you.

830
00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:54,320
Speaker 2: You don't know that, I'm kidding.

831
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:57,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you don't. What you just talked about is

832
00:39:57,600 --> 00:39:59,880
Speaker 1: what I would call transactional love, where it's like you

833
00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:02,080
Speaker 1: give me what I want, I give you what you want,

834
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,520
Speaker 1: and then we're done with each other, right, And that's

835
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:07,239
Speaker 1: a lot of people experience that today. Sadly, a lot

836
00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:09,719
Speaker 1: of people that I've been speaking to recently are experiencing

837
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:13,440
Speaker 1: that sense of immature people who just want to use

838
00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:16,400
Speaker 1: someone's take and they're in their own pain, but that

839
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:19,120
Speaker 1: doesn't give them an excuse to do that. Higher than

840
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:22,200
Speaker 1: that is reciprocal love. That means I do nice things

841
00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:23,640
Speaker 1: for you, you do nice things for me, and we

842
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:26,320
Speaker 1: don't count, but we love each other. And then the

843
00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:29,680
Speaker 1: highest is unconditional love, where I'm ready to do anything

844
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:32,319
Speaker 1: for you and I don't even care whether you don't

845
00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 1: do anything for me. And that's yeah, exactly in parent love, right,

846
00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:37,799
Speaker 1: is that what you said? Yeah, Like, that's like how

847
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,560
Speaker 1: parents love their kids, for sure, And that's the kind

848
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:44,480
Speaker 1: of love that exists realistically with unconditional love. But romantic

849
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:48,080
Speaker 1: love has to go through these levels because you can't

850
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:50,919
Speaker 1: just skip to unconditional love. We think if you put

851
00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:52,640
Speaker 1: the ring on the finger, or you got married, or

852
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:56,920
Speaker 1: you moved in you automatically move into unconditional love. And

853
00:40:56,960 --> 00:40:59,520
Speaker 1: that's just not true. And so I would want people

854
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:02,720
Speaker 1: to just pace themselves better. Don't fall in love too fast,

855
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:06,239
Speaker 1: because that's why it's called falling in love, because you're

856
00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:09,680
Speaker 1: moving so fast that you can't even walk right, You're

857
00:41:09,719 --> 00:41:13,440
Speaker 1: just falling over yourself. And I think if we move slower,

858
00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:15,440
Speaker 1: maybe we could walk in love a bit longer and

859
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:16,800
Speaker 1: then maybe learn to run.

860
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:18,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you can grow in.

861
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:20,160
Speaker 1: Love exactly, that's the goal. Yeah.

862
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:23,279
Speaker 2: Okay, so that conditional love was your number four rule,

863
00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:26,800
Speaker 2: But if you kind of go backwards really quick, because

864
00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:30,120
Speaker 2: many of us grow feeling unloved or we feel like

865
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:32,080
Speaker 2: we don't actually understand what love is. Many of us

866
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:34,120
Speaker 2: still don't know definition of love because we think it's

867
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,640
Speaker 2: toxic or based on whatever our parents were. So in

868
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:40,359
Speaker 2: your first rule, it's in kind of the whole theme

869
00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:42,960
Speaker 2: of around your book. It's idea that love is not

870
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:45,880
Speaker 2: just an emotion but a skill. And I like that

871
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,480
Speaker 2: because a skill gives me hope that I can. You know,

872
00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:50,040
Speaker 2: the more you do a skill, the more you get

873
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,239
Speaker 2: to learn how to be better. So how can we

874
00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:55,520
Speaker 2: kind of shift our mindset to see love in that way?

875
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:58,319
Speaker 2: And then what are some practical exercises we can do

876
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,920
Speaker 2: to develop our ability to love as a skill?

877
00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:05,399
Speaker 1: I love that that shows me how thoughtfully you've read

878
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:08,319
Speaker 1: the book, because that's such a nuanced point, Like that's

879
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:13,239
Speaker 1: such a subtle point, but it's so important because so

880
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:15,000
Speaker 1: I love what you said, and you already took the

881
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,120
Speaker 1: words out of my mouth. That love is a skill

882
00:42:17,239 --> 00:42:20,080
Speaker 1: and a practice, which means you can learn to love,

883
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:23,359
Speaker 1: which means other people can learn to love, and which

884
00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:26,239
Speaker 1: means you can build it as a foundation. If love

885
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:29,520
Speaker 1: is just a feeling or an emotion, then you're always

886
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:31,200
Speaker 1: trying to chase it and find it and you don't

887
00:42:31,239 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 1: know what it looks like. So here's a habit. Here's

888
00:42:35,080 --> 00:42:41,439
Speaker 1: a couple of habits. Every day, find something you love

889
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:46,040
Speaker 1: about your body, and it could be Often when people

890
00:42:46,080 --> 00:42:47,480
Speaker 1: think of that, they think I have to think of

891
00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:52,880
Speaker 1: something aesthetic, and I'm like go beyond, think about your organs,

892
00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:55,600
Speaker 1: like your heart is just working away every day with

893
00:42:55,719 --> 00:42:58,359
Speaker 1: no love. When was the last time you showed love

894
00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:02,719
Speaker 1: to your beat heart? And you think about how much

895
00:43:02,760 --> 00:43:05,799
Speaker 1: love you think you give to others and they don't

896
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:09,040
Speaker 1: give you it in return. That's your heart. Your heart

897
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:12,120
Speaker 1: is giving love to you every single day by keeping

898
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:16,040
Speaker 1: you alive. Yet we rarely think of our heart. Think

899
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:18,359
Speaker 1: about how easy it is to forget about the thing

900
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:21,560
Speaker 1: that keeps you beating, breathing and alive right like, we

901
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:25,239
Speaker 1: just forget about it. And that translates into our relationships

902
00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:27,799
Speaker 1: as well. And so the first thing is, every day

903
00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:31,440
Speaker 1: or every week, find one thing you love about your body,

904
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:34,319
Speaker 1: one thing you like love about your mind, and one

905
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,720
Speaker 1: thing you love about your heart. If you can start

906
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:40,600
Speaker 1: that practice, you are learning to build self love. That's

907
00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:42,920
Speaker 1: a habit for self love. I'm not telling you to

908
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:44,359
Speaker 1: say it out loud. I'm not telling you to say

909
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:47,120
Speaker 1: in the mirror. I'm just saying, can you acknowledge that

910
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:50,200
Speaker 1: there's so much good here and there's so much worthy

911
00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:53,440
Speaker 1: of love? Now? A habit to love someone else a

912
00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:57,799
Speaker 1: great way is saying I'm going to learn when this

913
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:03,560
Speaker 1: person needs attention and when they need space. I'm going

914
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:06,040
Speaker 1: to do a little experiment to say, do I actually

915
00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:09,760
Speaker 1: know this person well enough to know whether they need space?

916
00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:13,920
Speaker 1: Attention awareness? That's love, and that's a habit and a

917
00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:16,560
Speaker 1: skill I can tell. And me and my wife do

918
00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:19,240
Speaker 1: this with each other all the time, Like I'm always

919
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:21,160
Speaker 1: trying to learn does my wife need me to be

920
00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:24,080
Speaker 1: a fixer or does she need me to be a listener?

921
00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:27,600
Speaker 1: That's love. That's a skill. That's why love is a skill.

922
00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:30,760
Speaker 1: I can learn to know that. And if I'm learning,

923
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:32,440
Speaker 1: I can ask her, do you want me to be

924
00:44:32,480 --> 00:44:33,680
Speaker 1: a listener right now? Do you want me to be

925
00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:36,919
Speaker 1: a fixer? She just asking that question. It's not complicated,

926
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:38,480
Speaker 1: and she could say, yeah, I just want you to

927
00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:40,719
Speaker 1: be a listener tonight, or and I need you to

928
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:42,520
Speaker 1: fix this for me right now. And yesterday she came

929
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:43,960
Speaker 1: up to him, She's like, I really need to talk

930
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:45,360
Speaker 1: to about something. I want to figure this out. And

931
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:47,800
Speaker 1: I was like, great, so we're in fixing mode right

932
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:50,120
Speaker 1: And then that helps her love you back. And the

933
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:53,280
Speaker 1: third thing is tell people how you want to be loved.

934
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:56,120
Speaker 1: I think so often we're scared because we think if

935
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:58,320
Speaker 1: we tell someone how to love us. It's a weakness.

936
00:44:58,880 --> 00:45:01,239
Speaker 1: But actually, if you tell someone one this is how

937
00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:03,960
Speaker 1: I feel loved, now they get to choose whether they

938
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:06,279
Speaker 1: want to love you in that way or not. Rather

939
00:45:06,320 --> 00:45:09,319
Speaker 1: than expecting them to read your mind and figure out

940
00:45:09,360 --> 00:45:12,040
Speaker 1: who you are, tell them share with them.

941
00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:14,040
Speaker 2: Right, because you end up setting them up for failure. Oh,

942
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:15,160
Speaker 2: they don't care and so on.

943
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:17,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, and some people just most people have just not

944
00:45:17,440 --> 00:45:20,719
Speaker 1: been trained to like notice these things. Like people just

945
00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:23,320
Speaker 1: not can't read between the lines.

946
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:26,359
Speaker 2: Well, normally we assume people love the way we love. Yes,

947
00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:29,000
Speaker 2: we don't realize there's so many different love languages. I mean,

948
00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:30,920
Speaker 2: I grew up half of my life thinking my dad

949
00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:32,759
Speaker 2: didn't love me. And my dad every day did his

950
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:34,880
Speaker 2: best to show me that he loved me by giving

951
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:36,880
Speaker 2: me something his father didn't give him, which was a

952
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:42,160
Speaker 2: roof over my head, and supporting me financially. But I

953
00:45:42,200 --> 00:45:45,080
Speaker 2: never got hugged by him when I never heard the

954
00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:46,840
Speaker 2: words that he loved me. So I'm like, what is

955
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:49,440
Speaker 2: my dad hate me? When I got older, I realized

956
00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:51,160
Speaker 2: that's all he knew, Like he doesn't know how to

957
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:53,080
Speaker 2: show love that he did his best. Yeah, and we

958
00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:55,640
Speaker 2: connected again and I feel so always thankful that I

959
00:45:55,680 --> 00:45:59,400
Speaker 2: was able to learn all these different love languages and

960
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:01,840
Speaker 2: got to learn and give my father and I another chance.

961
00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:03,960
Speaker 2: And I think that I think so many people in

962
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,400
Speaker 2: this life don't give other people a chance and they

963
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:08,560
Speaker 2: just assume, Oh, that person doesn't care about me.

964
00:46:08,760 --> 00:46:11,880
Speaker 1: That's so beautiful. That's an amazing reflection. I really appreciate. No,

965
00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:15,360
Speaker 1: I genuinely do. That's that's so great, because, yeah, we

966
00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,279
Speaker 1: want to be loved the way we give love, and

967
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:20,120
Speaker 1: we don't realize there are so many beautiful ways to

968
00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:23,239
Speaker 1: show love to someone and receive love. And actually, if

969
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,960
Speaker 1: you tell someone I only want to be loved this way,

970
00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:28,879
Speaker 1: you miss out on the way they can love you too.

971
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:32,200
Speaker 2: Oh I like that. I love that a lot. Okay,

972
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:36,120
Speaker 2: your third rule in your book, you wrote that it's

973
00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:40,040
Speaker 2: about love is that antidote to fear. And we've earlier

974
00:46:40,120 --> 00:46:43,279
Speaker 2: discussed fear. Can you kind of discuss how fear can

975
00:46:43,320 --> 00:46:45,840
Speaker 2: really hold us back from experiencing a connection.

976
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:54,640
Speaker 1: Fear is just an unformed boundary. So fear is a

977
00:46:54,719 --> 00:46:58,400
Speaker 1: boundary in the making, but it isn't yet a boundary,

978
00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:00,440
Speaker 1: and that's why it's still a fear. And so what

979
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:01,879
Speaker 1: we have to do is we have to take our

980
00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:05,960
Speaker 1: fears and we have to turn them into principles, agreements,

981
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:09,400
Speaker 1: and boundaries. So if I have a fear that someone

982
00:47:09,440 --> 00:47:13,000
Speaker 1: may leave me, instead of keeping it that way, I'm

983
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:16,600
Speaker 1: going to set a boundary saying I'm not going to

984
00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:21,400
Speaker 1: get too close too quick without the person showing me

985
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:24,040
Speaker 1: they're ready for commitment. Right, I'm not just going to

986
00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:26,799
Speaker 1: make up in my head and pretend what I think

987
00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:29,600
Speaker 1: this relationship should be. So I'm going to change my

988
00:47:29,719 --> 00:47:33,240
Speaker 1: fear into a principle I can live right, as opposed

989
00:47:33,239 --> 00:47:34,759
Speaker 1: to just saying I'm just going to constantly be scared

990
00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:37,680
Speaker 1: of this. For example, if I'm scared that someone doesn't

991
00:47:37,719 --> 00:47:40,520
Speaker 1: love me, I'm going to set an agreement with my

992
00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:43,200
Speaker 1: partner to say every week we do this, this, and

993
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:46,279
Speaker 1: this because it makes us feel close together, and does

994
00:47:46,320 --> 00:47:48,359
Speaker 1: that person want to commit to that. If they do, great,

995
00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:50,640
Speaker 1: we now have an agreement, which means we don't have

996
00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:52,759
Speaker 1: to hold on to that fear. So we need to

997
00:47:52,880 --> 00:47:57,399
Speaker 1: change our fears into boundaries, agreements, and commitments to each

998
00:47:57,440 --> 00:48:01,320
Speaker 1: other so that both people are not walking around with insecurities.

999
00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:05,680
Speaker 2: Right, Because people get scared to even communicate in that way,

1000
00:48:05,719 --> 00:48:07,680
Speaker 2: but at least then you would know if your partner

1001
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:10,520
Speaker 2: is willing to go the extra mile with you or not.

1002
00:48:11,160 --> 00:48:12,560
Speaker 2: It's just living in fear.

1003
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:16,560
Speaker 1: Exactly Like I remember when I first met my wife,

1004
00:48:16,600 --> 00:48:21,120
Speaker 1: I was scared. I had a fear that the amount

1005
00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:25,400
Speaker 1: I care about my purpose could scare someone away. So

1006
00:48:25,520 --> 00:48:27,680
Speaker 1: that was my fear. My personal fear was I am

1007
00:48:27,760 --> 00:48:30,319
Speaker 1: so committed to the life I want to create and

1008
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:33,680
Speaker 1: build that it may scare someone away. So I said

1009
00:48:33,680 --> 00:48:35,640
Speaker 1: that to my wife when we were dating. I said

1010
00:48:35,640 --> 00:48:38,200
Speaker 1: to you, I said, my purpose is going to come

1011
00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:41,080
Speaker 1: first to me forever because I love it. It's my

1012
00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:44,279
Speaker 1: life and soul to help people. Is that okay with you?

1013
00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:47,399
Speaker 1: Is that something you're comfortable with? And then we looked

1014
00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:50,560
Speaker 1: at what that looks like on a practical level, And

1015
00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:53,480
Speaker 1: luckily I have a wife who understands that about me,

1016
00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:55,080
Speaker 1: and she said the same thing to me. She said,

1017
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:58,040
Speaker 1: my number one priority is my family. And we had

1018
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:01,480
Speaker 1: that open and honest conversation and because of that, there

1019
00:49:01,520 --> 00:49:05,040
Speaker 1: hasn't been this weird feeling when I jump on a

1020
00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:07,680
Speaker 1: plane to do something that's my purpose. She's not going

1021
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:09,200
Speaker 1: to me, well why are you going? Where are you going?

1022
00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:11,200
Speaker 1: And if she's saying I need to be back with

1023
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:13,640
Speaker 1: my family, I'm not there, going, well, you've been there

1024
00:49:13,680 --> 00:49:16,400
Speaker 1: a lot this yet, Like because there's a respect and

1025
00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:19,440
Speaker 1: there's an understanding of that's what fuels you. So you

1026
00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:23,040
Speaker 1: can turn your fear into a conversation, a principle and

1027
00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:26,120
Speaker 1: a boundary and a commitment which frees you. Now, she

1028
00:49:26,160 --> 00:49:27,759
Speaker 1: could have said no, Jay, I don't want you to

1029
00:49:27,800 --> 00:49:29,759
Speaker 1: live that way, and then we would have figured that

1030
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,239
Speaker 1: path out and seen where that would have gone. But

1031
00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:33,839
Speaker 1: I think a lot of us are scared, and then

1032
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:35,680
Speaker 1: what we don't realize is we end up living out

1033
00:49:35,719 --> 00:49:38,960
Speaker 1: our fears in the future. Right, Yeah, it doesn't go away.

1034
00:49:39,239 --> 00:49:40,839
Speaker 2: Like literally, if you say I'm just going to take

1035
00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:43,719
Speaker 2: a step back and just in case if they want

1036
00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:45,560
Speaker 2: to leave me, then it won't be all in. And

1037
00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:47,319
Speaker 2: then because you're not all in, they're thinking, oh, the

1038
00:49:47,360 --> 00:49:48,080
Speaker 2: person's notn't.

1039
00:49:47,880 --> 00:49:50,560
Speaker 1: Interested exactly, rather than you sharing it, and then.

1040
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:52,680
Speaker 2: All your fears actually come true. I think a lot

1041
00:49:52,719 --> 00:49:53,880
Speaker 2: of the time that's what happens.

1042
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:54,800
Speaker 1: Yes, I did it.

1043
00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:56,800
Speaker 2: Someone that kept getting scared that someone was going to

1044
00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:59,000
Speaker 2: happen during our dating and then we will break up

1045
00:49:59,040 --> 00:50:01,600
Speaker 2: because of it. In the end end up breaking up

1046
00:50:01,640 --> 00:50:02,160
Speaker 2: because of it.

1047
00:50:02,680 --> 00:50:05,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's it. That's it. Yeah, your fear is becoming

1048
00:50:05,320 --> 00:50:06,160
Speaker 1: your future for sure.

1049
00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:09,120
Speaker 2: I love how well you're and your wife communicate, Like

1050
00:50:09,280 --> 00:50:11,880
Speaker 2: I am honestly astonished by it. I mean everything that

1051
00:50:11,880 --> 00:50:13,680
Speaker 2: you're saying. There's so many things you're saying. In my brain.

1052
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:15,279
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh my god, I want to like save it,

1053
00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:17,840
Speaker 2: press saved so I can remember. It's such good advice

1054
00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:20,480
Speaker 2: for people out there who may not have the type

1055
00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:23,120
Speaker 2: of relationship theyp with your wife or with other partners,

1056
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:26,600
Speaker 2: or in general, who are currently struggling with loneliness, and

1057
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:29,120
Speaker 2: this book really helps you know to understand all the

1058
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:32,640
Speaker 2: different types of love. What is your message to those

1059
00:50:32,680 --> 00:50:36,000
Speaker 2: that may be struggling with loneliness or heartbreak or lack

1060
00:50:36,040 --> 00:50:37,440
Speaker 2: of love in their lives.

1061
00:50:37,960 --> 00:50:40,400
Speaker 1: Being alone is a great time to get to know

1062
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:44,800
Speaker 1: yourself because when you get with someone else, you often

1063
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:49,479
Speaker 1: start adopting their behaviors, their likes, their patterns. Nothing wrong

1064
00:50:49,520 --> 00:50:51,880
Speaker 1: with that, but if you don't know who you are

1065
00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:54,399
Speaker 1: in the first place, that's why so many people say

1066
00:50:54,440 --> 00:50:57,640
Speaker 1: I lost myself in the relationship right or I forgot

1067
00:50:57,680 --> 00:51:00,040
Speaker 1: who I was. But it's like you weren't really you

1068
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:04,360
Speaker 1: are in the beginning, And so being alone after a

1069
00:51:04,400 --> 00:51:08,319
Speaker 1: heartbreak is such a great time to get awareness of

1070
00:51:08,320 --> 00:51:11,400
Speaker 1: who you are. And I think it's so important to go, well,

1071
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:13,440
Speaker 1: what do I like and what do I not like?

1072
00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:15,600
Speaker 1: What kind of life do I want to create, and

1073
00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:17,919
Speaker 1: what kind of life do I want to build? What's

1074
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:20,000
Speaker 1: important to me, what's a priority to me, and what

1075
00:51:20,120 --> 00:51:24,560
Speaker 1: isn't And when you start taking that interest in yourself,

1076
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:28,680
Speaker 1: most often we don't find ourselves interesting. That's why we

1077
00:51:28,680 --> 00:51:30,719
Speaker 1: want someone else in our life to make life interesting.

1078
00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:33,520
Speaker 1: But if you learn to become interested in yourself, I

1079
00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:36,200
Speaker 1: promise your life will become more interesting and you'll like

1080
00:51:36,239 --> 00:51:38,120
Speaker 1: to take joy in your own company. And by the way,

1081
00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:40,400
Speaker 1: that applies even if you're in a relationship. Even if

1082
00:51:40,440 --> 00:51:43,360
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, spending time alone is so healthy

1083
00:51:43,880 --> 00:51:45,920
Speaker 1: for a sense of self esteem, for a sense of

1084
00:51:45,960 --> 00:51:48,759
Speaker 1: self awareness. And so this isn't just a skill that

1085
00:51:48,800 --> 00:51:50,600
Speaker 1: you have to practice when you're alone. It's a skill

1086
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:53,080
Speaker 1: you have to practice when you're with someone. If you're

1087
00:51:53,080 --> 00:51:57,239
Speaker 1: constantly around someone, you are going to dissolve your identity

1088
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:58,880
Speaker 1: into who they are and who you become in the

1089
00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:04,600
Speaker 1: relationship and that's not bad per se, but it's not

1090
00:52:04,800 --> 00:52:07,400
Speaker 1: healthy for your own long term. That's why people have

1091
00:52:07,440 --> 00:52:09,840
Speaker 1: been married for three decades and one person says, I

1092
00:52:09,880 --> 00:52:12,280
Speaker 1: haven't achieved my goals. I don't know who I am.

1093
00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:15,080
Speaker 1: It's not because they didn't have a good relationship with

1094
00:52:15,120 --> 00:52:16,840
Speaker 1: that person. It's because you didn't have a good relationship

1095
00:52:16,880 --> 00:52:19,800
Speaker 1: with yourself. Often when people end up in breakups of divorce,

1096
00:52:19,840 --> 00:52:21,799
Speaker 1: it's not because they didn't have a great relationship. It's

1097
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:24,319
Speaker 1: because they didn't have a good relationship with themselves and

1098
00:52:24,360 --> 00:52:28,120
Speaker 1: they sacrificed or put aside parts of themselves thinking that

1099
00:52:28,120 --> 00:52:31,560
Speaker 1: that made the relationship better, only years later to find

1100
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:35,160
Speaker 1: I wish I didn't do that. So I think those

1101
00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:38,040
Speaker 1: times are times to really get to know yourself. And

1102
00:52:38,040 --> 00:52:39,879
Speaker 1: the way you get to know yourself is doing things

1103
00:52:39,960 --> 00:52:42,960
Speaker 1: by yourself, taking yourself out on dates, going out to

1104
00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:45,760
Speaker 1: dinner on your own, going out and finding the friends

1105
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:47,799
Speaker 1: that you want to connect with, going and developing the

1106
00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:51,000
Speaker 1: habits and the disciplines and the routines that are fruitful

1107
00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:54,040
Speaker 1: for you. If you do that, you start to attract

1108
00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:56,320
Speaker 1: the right community around you as well.

1109
00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:59,319
Speaker 2: I think a lot of people are afraid to take

1110
00:52:59,320 --> 00:53:01,279
Speaker 2: a look in the mirror, spend time with themselves because

1111
00:53:01,320 --> 00:53:03,160
Speaker 2: zep down, they may not like who they are. And

1112
00:53:03,200 --> 00:53:05,239
Speaker 2: I think that's a lot of people's biggest fear that

1113
00:53:05,440 --> 00:53:07,120
Speaker 2: what if I get to know myself and I don't

1114
00:53:07,160 --> 00:53:07,800
Speaker 2: like that person?

1115
00:53:08,080 --> 00:53:10,399
Speaker 1: The best thing is you can change it and you're

1116
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:13,680
Speaker 1: not that person, like you're not You're not the person

1117
00:53:13,719 --> 00:53:16,319
Speaker 1: you feel like right now. You're something so much more

1118
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:20,440
Speaker 1: powerful beyond it, beneath it, and you can become anything

1119
00:53:20,480 --> 00:53:22,520
Speaker 1: you want to be, like you truly can. And I

1120
00:53:22,560 --> 00:53:25,319
Speaker 1: think we if you do get to know yourself and

1121
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:28,279
Speaker 1: you don't like yourself, I promise you another person will

1122
00:53:28,320 --> 00:53:31,440
Speaker 1: not solve that or period right, it just won't.

1123
00:53:32,080 --> 00:53:34,560
Speaker 2: I like that. From your eight rules, what would you

1124
00:53:34,640 --> 00:53:38,080
Speaker 2: say has been over the course of your life the

1125
00:53:38,080 --> 00:53:39,840
Speaker 2: hardest rule for you to follow?

1126
00:53:40,640 --> 00:53:45,200
Speaker 1: I think the hardest one is always the rule that

1127
00:53:45,600 --> 00:53:53,920
Speaker 1: win or lose together. So, because your ego is a daily, weekly, monthly,

1128
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:59,040
Speaker 1: yearly battle, and when your partner is being stubborn and

1129
00:53:59,080 --> 00:54:01,919
Speaker 1: you don't want to give it in and you want

1130
00:54:01,920 --> 00:54:03,799
Speaker 1: to point them out, or you want to trip them up,

1131
00:54:03,880 --> 00:54:05,920
Speaker 1: or you want to call them out, we do that

1132
00:54:06,560 --> 00:54:09,640
Speaker 1: and oftentimes I think that's what ruins relationships is our

1133
00:54:09,680 --> 00:54:12,840
Speaker 1: partner's trying and we want to act all hard to get,

1134
00:54:13,560 --> 00:54:15,600
Speaker 1: and then we try and then they're acting all hard

1135
00:54:15,640 --> 00:54:20,520
Speaker 1: to get or we're trying to be nice, but they're

1136
00:54:20,560 --> 00:54:23,080
Speaker 1: not being sincerely nice, so we want to call that out.

1137
00:54:23,080 --> 00:54:25,560
Speaker 1: Like I think we just call out our partners a lot,

1138
00:54:26,400 --> 00:54:28,719
Speaker 1: in a way that we don't do to anyone else, right,

1139
00:54:29,200 --> 00:54:33,759
Speaker 1: Like we pick their faults, more, we pick out their insecurities,

1140
00:54:33,800 --> 00:54:35,520
Speaker 1: more we dig it, the more we know them better,

1141
00:54:35,520 --> 00:54:38,880
Speaker 1: so we know which buttons to push to get a reaction.

1142
00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:41,880
Speaker 1: And I think that's sort.

1143
00:54:41,719 --> 00:54:44,160
Speaker 2: Of just saying hey, when you're not around, it hurts

1144
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:45,280
Speaker 2: my feelings totally.

1145
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:46,960
Speaker 1: We we don't want to. We want to say in

1146
00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:48,440
Speaker 1: a passive aggressive way.

1147
00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:50,399
Speaker 2: Oh, you're with your friends tonight, Okay, I guess that's

1148
00:54:50,440 --> 00:54:52,120
Speaker 2: better for you than to hang out with your wife

1149
00:54:52,200 --> 00:54:53,280
Speaker 2: exactly exactly.

1150
00:54:53,400 --> 00:54:55,759
Speaker 1: We want to say that rather than just saying, hey,

1151
00:54:55,800 --> 00:54:57,520
Speaker 1: this week, shall we plan which nights we're going to

1152
00:54:57,560 --> 00:55:01,439
Speaker 1: spend together. It's the same thing, but and I think

1153
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:04,240
Speaker 1: that's why win or lose together. It's like, it's really interesting,

1154
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:07,520
Speaker 1: I was thinking about this. We spend so much time

1155
00:55:07,640 --> 00:55:10,759
Speaker 1: trying to win someone over and then we want them

1156
00:55:10,760 --> 00:55:14,040
Speaker 1: to lose arguments, and it doesn't make any sense, Like

1157
00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:16,080
Speaker 1: we spend all this time trying to win someone over,

1158
00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:18,879
Speaker 1: to impress them, for them to love us, and then

1159
00:55:18,920 --> 00:55:21,719
Speaker 1: we want them to lose. And I wish we could

1160
00:55:21,760 --> 00:55:25,000
Speaker 1: just give ourselves and them more grace in relationships, because

1161
00:55:26,800 --> 00:55:30,960
Speaker 1: if you win and they lose, you both lose. Right,

1162
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:34,200
Speaker 1: If you lose and they win, you both lose. So

1163
00:55:34,239 --> 00:55:36,520
Speaker 1: you have two choices. You either win together or you

1164
00:55:36,600 --> 00:55:39,399
Speaker 1: lose together. But if you win and they lose, that's

1165
00:55:39,440 --> 00:55:42,000
Speaker 1: a loss. Because you sleep in the same bed, you

1166
00:55:42,040 --> 00:55:44,560
Speaker 1: live in the same house, you wake up with that person.

1167
00:55:45,160 --> 00:55:48,520
Speaker 1: You're sharing energy now, and whether you like it or not,

1168
00:55:48,640 --> 00:55:53,200
Speaker 1: if you're trying to put them down or pick them apart,

1169
00:55:53,480 --> 00:55:55,799
Speaker 1: that is going to affect you every day, and you're

1170
00:55:55,840 --> 00:55:58,200
Speaker 1: setting yourself up. I don't want to live in a

1171
00:55:58,239 --> 00:56:01,719
Speaker 1: house where we hate each other or don't like you

1172
00:56:01,800 --> 00:56:04,120
Speaker 1: to each other, or take shots at each other every day.

1173
00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:05,879
Speaker 1: I just don't want to live in that environment. Why

1174
00:56:05,880 --> 00:56:08,200
Speaker 1: would you put yourself through that. You might as well be.

1175
00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:11,600
Speaker 2: Alone, right, right, Because sometimes you can focus so much

1176
00:56:11,640 --> 00:56:14,200
Speaker 2: on winning an argument and then that's how you lose

1177
00:56:14,280 --> 00:56:17,920
Speaker 2: versus we're arguing, but how can we win together by

1178
00:56:17,960 --> 00:56:18,840
Speaker 2: coming to an agreement?

1179
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:22,799
Speaker 1: Yes, we focus so much on winning an argument that

1180
00:56:22,880 --> 00:56:26,160
Speaker 1: we often lose the person because of it. And so

1181
00:56:26,360 --> 00:56:30,239
Speaker 1: often it's not about you losing the argument and them

1182
00:56:30,280 --> 00:56:35,000
Speaker 1: winning either. It's about saying, how do we win together

1183
00:56:35,560 --> 00:56:36,960
Speaker 1: because we're on the same team.

1184
00:56:37,480 --> 00:56:41,520
Speaker 2: But how can you do that without accidentally giving too

1185
00:56:41,600 --> 00:56:44,200
Speaker 2: much of yourself? Because you know how everything you're saying

1186
00:56:44,239 --> 00:56:48,319
Speaker 2: is so peaceful and so wonderful. But then sometimes we

1187
00:56:48,400 --> 00:56:50,440
Speaker 2: forget that it takes two people to take go. You

1188
00:56:50,480 --> 00:56:53,400
Speaker 2: need your partner to be as understanding as you are.

1189
00:56:53,480 --> 00:56:55,200
Speaker 2: So what if every day I'm the one that's like,

1190
00:56:55,440 --> 00:56:57,560
Speaker 2: it's okay, don't worry about my feelings as long as

1191
00:56:57,560 --> 00:56:58,240
Speaker 2: we can win together.

1192
00:56:58,560 --> 00:57:01,360
Speaker 1: That's the mistake. That's such great question, And that's the mistake.

1193
00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:03,759
Speaker 1: I'm not saying, you say my feelings don't matter, it

1194
00:57:03,760 --> 00:57:06,520
Speaker 1: doesn't matter, I'll give in. That's not what winning together

1195
00:57:06,600 --> 00:57:11,080
Speaker 1: looks like. Winning doesn't mean tolerance. Winning together doesn't mean

1196
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:14,200
Speaker 1: like you're just tolerant of someone else's issues and things.

1197
00:57:14,560 --> 00:57:19,320
Speaker 1: It's creating agreements, commitments and boundaries together, us coming together

1198
00:57:19,360 --> 00:57:22,280
Speaker 1: and saying, okay, this is a weekly problem in this house.

1199
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:25,280
Speaker 1: How are we going to solve it? It's not me

1200
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:28,320
Speaker 1: saying you're the issue. You need to change this, you

1201
00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:30,520
Speaker 1: need to sort it out. It's saying this is something

1202
00:57:30,560 --> 00:57:33,680
Speaker 1: we both disagree on, right, how are we going to

1203
00:57:33,720 --> 00:57:35,240
Speaker 1: take care of it? I'll give a silly example. In

1204
00:57:35,280 --> 00:57:37,960
Speaker 1: my own house, the bed was never made right, The

1205
00:57:37,960 --> 00:57:40,760
Speaker 1: bed was never made My wife wakes up earlier than me,

1206
00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:43,400
Speaker 1: so in her head it was my job to make

1207
00:57:43,400 --> 00:57:46,080
Speaker 1: the bed. Now I wake up later, but I feel

1208
00:57:46,160 --> 00:57:48,120
Speaker 1: like I've got a million things to do, and so

1209
00:57:48,320 --> 00:57:51,240
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, well, she can take care of it later on. Now,

1210
00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:54,320
Speaker 1: if we never talk about it, this could be an

1211
00:57:54,320 --> 00:57:56,920
Speaker 1: issue that lasts for years. And all the studies show

1212
00:57:57,280 --> 00:58:00,640
Speaker 1: that most couples argue about the same things for long

1213
00:58:00,680 --> 00:58:02,600
Speaker 1: amounts of time. It's not that you have new fights,

1214
00:58:02,600 --> 00:58:04,640
Speaker 1: you have the same fights again and again. I'm taking

1215
00:58:04,680 --> 00:58:07,360
Speaker 1: a silly example just to help the situation. Now. The

1216
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:09,600
Speaker 1: reason why I don't like doing the bed is because

1217
00:58:09,600 --> 00:58:11,760
Speaker 1: we have way too many Christians on that bed. I

1218
00:58:11,760 --> 00:58:13,840
Speaker 1: don't need bed pillows. I just need the pillow I

1219
00:58:13,960 --> 00:58:17,160
Speaker 1: sleep with and the douvet. She wants the decorative pillows

1220
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,240
Speaker 1: on top, so we made an agreement and a commitment

1221
00:58:19,320 --> 00:58:22,360
Speaker 1: we would limit the decorative pillows and the last person

1222
00:58:22,400 --> 00:58:24,880
Speaker 1: to wake up would do the bed. Oh, and that

1223
00:58:25,000 --> 00:58:28,560
Speaker 1: agreement is solved that problem where five out of seven days,

1224
00:58:28,600 --> 00:58:30,840
Speaker 1: I'm the last person to get out of bed, and

1225
00:58:30,920 --> 00:58:32,640
Speaker 1: so I'll do it, and I'm happy to do it.

1226
00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:34,640
Speaker 1: But We've also limited the amount of pillows so that

1227
00:58:34,680 --> 00:58:37,680
Speaker 1: I'm not having to like do all this decorative stuff

1228
00:58:37,720 --> 00:58:39,880
Speaker 1: that I'm not a huge fan of in the morning

1229
00:58:40,040 --> 00:58:42,080
Speaker 1: because it may not be like the right act for me.

1230
00:58:42,120 --> 00:58:44,640
Speaker 1: And so I've taken a very silly example. But the

1231
00:58:44,680 --> 00:58:48,080
Speaker 1: point is that's what winning together looks like. Winning together

1232
00:58:48,120 --> 00:58:50,400
Speaker 1: doesn't look like her saying oh, Jay, it's fine if

1233
00:58:50,440 --> 00:58:53,760
Speaker 1: you just want to end exactly, or it doesn't mean

1234
00:58:53,840 --> 00:58:56,560
Speaker 1: me saying I'll do all this decorative stuff for you, honey, because.

1235
00:58:56,400 --> 00:58:58,360
Speaker 2: I'm gonna pretend, but then I'm going to resent them.

1236
00:58:58,400 --> 00:59:01,120
Speaker 1: Why would we do that, right, It's not a compromise.

1237
00:59:01,160 --> 00:59:03,440
Speaker 1: It's trying to create a commitment and an agreement together

1238
00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:04,480
Speaker 1: that we can both vibe with.

1239
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:06,120
Speaker 2: It would have been funny if you'l like, so now

1240
00:59:06,160 --> 00:59:07,760
Speaker 2: every morning iowaka before.

1241
00:59:07,680 --> 00:59:10,520
Speaker 1: M Yeah, yeah, so you have to do it.

1242
00:59:10,920 --> 00:59:13,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, I like that. It's a compromise. Okay, that is

1243
00:59:13,680 --> 00:59:16,400
Speaker 2: really good. You heard so many powerful lessons and insights

1244
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:19,680
Speaker 2: in your book. Can you kind of share another lesson

1245
00:59:19,760 --> 00:59:21,480
Speaker 2: or piece of advice so you believe that has the

1246
00:59:21,520 --> 00:59:25,600
Speaker 2: power to truly transform someone's life beyond everything else you

1247
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:28,400
Speaker 2: already mentioned that I think can help anyone. Well. Wow.

1248
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:32,160
Speaker 1: I think in love and relationships we often ask the

1249
00:59:32,240 --> 00:59:33,200
Speaker 1: wrong questions.

1250
00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:33,760
Speaker 2: I like that.

1251
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:38,240
Speaker 1: So we often ask questions like are they the right person?

1252
00:59:39,920 --> 00:59:44,440
Speaker 1: Are they right for me? Is there someone else? And

1253
00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:49,000
Speaker 1: I think those questions have unlimited answers, and they're not

1254
00:59:49,120 --> 00:59:53,480
Speaker 1: the right questions because I don't think it's about whether

1255
00:59:53,640 --> 00:59:57,480
Speaker 1: someone's right for you. It's whether you both want to

1256
00:59:57,560 --> 01:00:00,800
Speaker 1: make it right. Like, there is no pers perfect person,

1257
01:00:00,880 --> 01:00:04,080
Speaker 1: there is no perfect partner. There's only the person that

1258
01:00:04,160 --> 01:00:06,520
Speaker 1: wants to make it work with you and the person

1259
01:00:06,560 --> 01:00:08,960
Speaker 1: you want to make it work with. And if someone

1260
01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:11,160
Speaker 1: doesn't want to make it work with you, it doesn't

1261
01:00:11,200 --> 01:00:13,880
Speaker 1: matter how perfect you think they are, it's not going

1262
01:00:13,960 --> 01:00:16,400
Speaker 1: to work. And we keep asking that question, or we

1263
01:00:16,480 --> 01:00:18,640
Speaker 1: keep thinking when we break up with someone, but they

1264
01:00:18,640 --> 01:00:21,040
Speaker 1: were perfect, they were the one that was the person

1265
01:00:21,120 --> 01:00:24,320
Speaker 1: I wanted to be with And that's real because the

1266
01:00:24,360 --> 01:00:27,960
Speaker 1: research shows in science that you're literally when you break

1267
01:00:28,040 --> 01:00:31,720
Speaker 1: up with someone, you're detoxing from the relationship as if

1268
01:00:31,760 --> 01:00:34,920
Speaker 1: you're craving a drug. It's like detoxing from a drug.

1269
01:00:35,160 --> 01:00:38,880
Speaker 1: So you're craving that person, but you're craving the idea

1270
01:00:39,000 --> 01:00:41,440
Speaker 1: in your mind of what it looked like, not what

1271
01:00:41,560 --> 01:00:44,600
Speaker 1: it actually was, because guess what, that person doesn't actually

1272
01:00:44,680 --> 01:00:48,080
Speaker 1: want to be there. And so the biggest advice I

1273
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:51,920
Speaker 1: can give is stop living life in your head and

1274
01:00:52,000 --> 01:00:54,760
Speaker 1: how it looks and how you want it to look,

1275
01:00:55,160 --> 01:00:59,560
Speaker 1: and start navigating the real world, because I guarantee you

1276
01:00:59,600 --> 01:01:04,160
Speaker 1: the real world has more beauty in its beauty, and

1277
01:01:04,240 --> 01:01:09,080
Speaker 1: it has more signs in its reality. But the version

1278
01:01:09,120 --> 01:01:11,680
Speaker 1: you're living in your mind and your head is going

1279
01:01:11,720 --> 01:01:15,600
Speaker 1: to constantly keep perplexing you because you have a projector

1280
01:01:15,720 --> 01:01:18,200
Speaker 1: of your ideal life up here and then you have

1281
01:01:18,280 --> 01:01:21,439
Speaker 1: the reality of your life down here, and they're never

1282
01:01:21,480 --> 01:01:23,600
Speaker 1: going to match. It's never going to match.

1283
01:01:23,800 --> 01:01:26,240
Speaker 2: I like that about asking the wrong questions or just

1284
01:01:26,280 --> 01:01:29,160
Speaker 2: a thought when you keep playing. So that person was perfect,

1285
01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:30,800
Speaker 2: If they were perfect for you, then they would want

1286
01:01:30,800 --> 01:01:31,280
Speaker 2: to be with you.

1287
01:01:31,560 --> 01:01:33,720
Speaker 1: That's exactly that perfect. Yeah.

1288
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:36,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, I actually that reminds me of a long time ago.

1289
01:01:36,520 --> 01:01:38,760
Speaker 2: My ex men were together for eight years and when

1290
01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:41,680
Speaker 2: we're going through our one million breakup and I was

1291
01:01:41,720 --> 01:01:44,600
Speaker 2: sad about it, and I was going through my love

1292
01:01:44,600 --> 01:01:47,000
Speaker 2: with drawls, which are like a drug heroin, and I

1293
01:01:47,080 --> 01:01:49,439
Speaker 2: kept remembering this one moment that we had the best

1294
01:01:49,440 --> 01:01:50,880
Speaker 2: time ever. And I was just giving my friend this

1295
01:01:50,920 --> 01:01:53,360
Speaker 2: advice because she's going through it right now, and I said,

1296
01:01:53,480 --> 01:01:55,520
Speaker 2: that day we had the best memory. We went to

1297
01:01:55,560 --> 01:01:57,760
Speaker 2: Malibur together, then we got massages together, and then we

1298
01:01:57,800 --> 01:01:59,919
Speaker 2: had dinner and we made love. It was the best

1299
01:02:00,040 --> 01:02:03,160
Speaker 2: stay ever. And then finally I said, let's really go back,

1300
01:02:03,200 --> 01:02:05,520
Speaker 2: and I remember I was really thinking more logically, and

1301
01:02:05,520 --> 01:02:07,000
Speaker 2: I went back to that day that was my best

1302
01:02:07,080 --> 01:02:09,120
Speaker 2: day of a relationship, and it tell me I got

1303
01:02:09,160 --> 01:02:11,439
Speaker 2: to see for what it was. When we're having lunch

1304
01:02:11,440 --> 01:02:13,960
Speaker 2: in Malibu, my boyfriend's on his phone and he was

1305
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:15,680
Speaker 2: looking and I was like smiling, so happy to be

1306
01:02:15,720 --> 01:02:17,400
Speaker 2: there with him, and You're just like, okay, you're almost done,

1307
01:02:17,560 --> 01:02:19,600
Speaker 2: are ready? Then we go get massages. He looks at me,

1308
01:02:19,640 --> 01:02:21,680
Speaker 2: He's like, you know this was really expensive. Are you

1309
01:02:21,760 --> 01:02:23,760
Speaker 2: going to be thankful for this and it's like all

1310
01:02:23,800 --> 01:02:26,360
Speaker 2: these little moments, which is funny. You know, I'm I'm

1311
01:02:26,400 --> 01:02:28,600
Speaker 2: not in any way blaming him. I'm just mean we

1312
01:02:28,600 --> 01:02:31,280
Speaker 2: weren't to match. Yeah, but it's the way I wanted

1313
01:02:31,280 --> 01:02:33,400
Speaker 2: to remember that day was as if we were perfect,

1314
01:02:33,440 --> 01:02:35,760
Speaker 2: it was beautiful as my person, when in reality, he'd

1315
01:02:35,800 --> 01:02:37,760
Speaker 2: I don't think the guy even liked me. Yeah, you know,

1316
01:02:38,360 --> 01:02:41,520
Speaker 2: then dinner again on his phone. So it's not easy

1317
01:02:41,560 --> 01:02:43,520
Speaker 2: when you look at things realistically, but I think it

1318
01:02:43,640 --> 01:02:47,360
Speaker 2: is so helpful because I was so desperate to be

1319
01:02:47,440 --> 01:02:49,360
Speaker 2: loved that I didn't even notice that the person in

1320
01:02:49,360 --> 01:02:50,320
Speaker 2: front of me didn't love me.

1321
01:02:51,080 --> 01:02:54,080
Speaker 1: Oh, that is so powerful. That is exactly it. We're

1322
01:02:54,160 --> 01:02:56,160
Speaker 1: so I'm going to repeat what you just said. We're

1323
01:02:56,240 --> 01:02:59,560
Speaker 1: so desperate to be loved that we often don't even

1324
01:02:59,600 --> 01:03:01,640
Speaker 1: realize is that the person in front of us doesn't

1325
01:03:01,640 --> 01:03:03,400
Speaker 1: even love us, like you just said that, And that

1326
01:03:03,520 --> 01:03:06,800
Speaker 1: is so powerful, and it is so true that we're

1327
01:03:06,800 --> 01:03:09,560
Speaker 1: making up the story. And it's really interesting. The trick

1328
01:03:09,600 --> 01:03:13,120
Speaker 1: of the mind is when you're with someone, you pick

1329
01:03:13,160 --> 01:03:16,280
Speaker 1: at all the negatives, but when you break up with someone,

1330
01:03:16,520 --> 01:03:19,200
Speaker 1: all you do is remember the positives. Yeah, and our

1331
01:03:19,280 --> 01:03:21,280
Speaker 1: mind plays that trick on us. When you're with someone

1332
01:03:21,280 --> 01:03:23,240
Speaker 1: every day you're like, oh, they're annoying and they're the

1333
01:03:23,280 --> 01:03:25,400
Speaker 1: worst and they don't care about me, and then when

1334
01:03:25,400 --> 01:03:27,440
Speaker 1: they break up, you're like, no, no, no, because it

1335
01:03:27,520 --> 01:03:30,400
Speaker 1: turns into that craving And so we have to remind

1336
01:03:30,440 --> 01:03:33,720
Speaker 1: ourselves of reality. Always focus on the facts. If you

1337
01:03:33,800 --> 01:03:36,800
Speaker 1: want the truth, The truth is the facts of what

1338
01:03:36,840 --> 01:03:38,840
Speaker 1: was really happening. And if you look at the facts,

1339
01:03:39,560 --> 01:03:41,920
Speaker 1: chances are you don't want to be with that person.

1340
01:03:42,040 --> 01:03:44,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, Or kind of what you said in the beginning

1341
01:03:44,440 --> 01:03:48,200
Speaker 2: with how when you're negative, our minds we like ourselves

1342
01:03:48,280 --> 01:03:50,960
Speaker 2: or mind place s tricks on us. So if I

1343
01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:53,680
Speaker 2: have a completely wonderful relationship with you and then I

1344
01:03:53,800 --> 01:03:56,400
Speaker 2: fall into a depression or and I start lying to

1345
01:03:56,440 --> 01:03:58,680
Speaker 2: myself thinking that I'm not worthy of love, I'm going

1346
01:03:58,720 --> 01:04:00,880
Speaker 2: to go back to our memories to remember something you

1347
01:04:00,880 --> 01:04:02,600
Speaker 2: look at me weird or and all that, and I'm

1348
01:04:02,600 --> 01:04:04,919
Speaker 2: going to think you don't love me. It's just it's

1349
01:04:04,960 --> 01:04:07,640
Speaker 2: really interesting. Okay, So from your book Eight Rules of Love,

1350
01:04:08,200 --> 01:04:10,400
Speaker 2: what would you say? I mean, there's so many great

1351
01:04:10,400 --> 01:04:12,080
Speaker 2: pieces of advice, but what would you say One of

1352
01:04:12,120 --> 01:04:14,120
Speaker 2: the best piece of advice that people can take from

1353
01:04:14,160 --> 01:04:14,560
Speaker 2: your book.

1354
01:04:15,680 --> 01:04:19,520
Speaker 1: I think I would say overall, I think we've touched

1355
01:04:19,520 --> 01:04:21,520
Speaker 1: on some really beautiful points in the book. And the

1356
01:04:21,560 --> 01:04:24,440
Speaker 1: biggest thing I'd say is the book's about every stage

1357
01:04:24,480 --> 01:04:26,280
Speaker 1: of love, how to find it, how to keep it,

1358
01:04:26,360 --> 01:04:28,080
Speaker 1: and how to let it go. And I think that

1359
01:04:28,640 --> 01:04:31,360
Speaker 1: I tried to write a book that was for everyone

1360
01:04:31,480 --> 01:04:35,440
Speaker 1: at every stage of a relationship, almost like a map.

1361
01:04:35,680 --> 01:04:38,080
Speaker 1: And if someone wants to talk about and think about

1362
01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:44,840
Speaker 1: love in a more systematic, in a more scientific, and

1363
01:04:44,880 --> 01:04:47,680
Speaker 1: in a more step by step way, then this book

1364
01:04:47,720 --> 01:04:49,760
Speaker 1: is great. If someone wants to talk about love in

1365
01:04:49,800 --> 01:04:52,880
Speaker 1: a more practical, real way, then this book is great

1366
01:04:52,880 --> 01:04:55,240
Speaker 1: for you because I'm not trying to talk about love

1367
01:04:55,320 --> 01:04:59,400
Speaker 1: with this ethereal concept or this fluffy woo woo thing.

1368
01:04:59,440 --> 01:05:01,640
Speaker 1: It's like, I'm just laying it out as it is.

1369
01:05:02,080 --> 01:05:04,800
Speaker 1: And if someone wants to help going through a breakup,

1370
01:05:04,840 --> 01:05:07,120
Speaker 1: if someone wants help because they're just about to move

1371
01:05:07,120 --> 01:05:08,960
Speaker 1: in with someone, if someone wants to help figure out

1372
01:05:09,120 --> 01:05:13,520
Speaker 1: being alone, this book covers the best research, the best wisdom,

1373
01:05:13,560 --> 01:05:16,439
Speaker 1: and the best ideas, not just from me, but from

1374
01:05:16,480 --> 01:05:18,520
Speaker 1: And this is what I keep reminding everyone when I'm

1375
01:05:18,520 --> 01:05:20,640
Speaker 1: putting a book together. I'm not just sharing things that

1376
01:05:20,760 --> 01:05:23,240
Speaker 1: I know that would be limited. I go out there

1377
01:05:23,280 --> 01:05:26,320
Speaker 1: and research and curate so I find science, I find wisdom,

1378
01:05:26,360 --> 01:05:29,040
Speaker 1: I find real life stories. I interview people, I look

1379
01:05:29,080 --> 01:05:32,640
Speaker 1: at research and studies like it's all curated to give

1380
01:05:32,640 --> 01:05:33,880
Speaker 1: you a really complete picture.

1381
01:05:34,360 --> 01:05:36,480
Speaker 2: And I think one thing from this whole interview that

1382
01:05:36,480 --> 01:05:38,520
Speaker 2: I really liked. When you're discussing you and your wife

1383
01:05:38,880 --> 01:05:42,400
Speaker 2: is that it seems that you never stop learning about her.

1384
01:05:42,560 --> 01:05:44,720
Speaker 2: And I think that's one thing that people to understand

1385
01:05:44,720 --> 01:05:47,360
Speaker 2: when it comes to love, that you're always as long

1386
01:05:47,360 --> 01:05:49,800
Speaker 2: as you continue to be curious about your partner how

1387
01:05:49,840 --> 01:05:51,720
Speaker 2: to grow, that's a successful partnership.

1388
01:05:51,760 --> 01:05:55,480
Speaker 1: Right, Love means to learn. Love means that I will.

1389
01:05:55,720 --> 01:05:58,040
Speaker 1: If you love something, it means you will never stop

1390
01:05:58,120 --> 01:06:02,120
Speaker 1: learning about it. When someone says I love football or basketball,

1391
01:06:02,160 --> 01:06:04,560
Speaker 1: what does that mean? It means they're always learning about it.

1392
01:06:04,600 --> 01:06:06,760
Speaker 1: What happened this week? R What did the player do?

1393
01:06:06,800 --> 01:06:09,720
Speaker 1: That player got injured, This happened that person scored? Like

1394
01:06:09,760 --> 01:06:12,720
Speaker 1: it's constant. Right, That's what love is. If you love

1395
01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:14,920
Speaker 1: your garden, you take care of it every day. If

1396
01:06:14,960 --> 01:06:17,440
Speaker 1: you love your home, you take care of every item

1397
01:06:17,480 --> 01:06:20,320
Speaker 1: every day. But with our partners. We say we love them,

1398
01:06:20,760 --> 01:06:23,040
Speaker 1: but we take care of them once a year, and

1399
01:06:23,320 --> 01:06:26,280
Speaker 1: that doesn't make any sense. That's not love, that's ownership.

1400
01:06:26,480 --> 01:06:28,800
Speaker 2: I like that analogy and I like that comparison also,

1401
01:06:28,840 --> 01:06:31,840
Speaker 2: then with yourself, because that's another thing. I love myself yesterday.

1402
01:06:31,840 --> 01:06:32,959
Speaker 2: How can I hate myself today?

1403
01:06:33,160 --> 01:06:34,120
Speaker 1: Exactly right.

1404
01:06:34,640 --> 01:06:38,480
Speaker 2: One of the biggest things I struggle with is focusing

1405
01:06:38,640 --> 01:06:42,440
Speaker 2: on my progress over perfection because I'm a perfectionist, which

1406
01:06:42,480 --> 01:06:45,600
Speaker 2: sets me up to failure obviously. So how can we

1407
01:06:46,000 --> 01:06:48,720
Speaker 2: shift our mindset and embrace this philosophy and what would

1408
01:06:48,760 --> 01:06:52,200
Speaker 2: you say some practical steps we can take towards our

1409
01:06:52,240 --> 01:06:55,400
Speaker 2: goals with just you know, not being a perfectionist.

1410
01:06:55,480 --> 01:06:58,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just I think we have to come at

1411
01:06:58,640 --> 01:07:00,840
Speaker 1: it from the point of view that perfection doesn't exist.

1412
01:07:01,440 --> 01:07:03,240
Speaker 1: And I think the fact that we even think perfection

1413
01:07:03,360 --> 01:07:05,680
Speaker 1: exists is partly the problem because it gives you something

1414
01:07:05,720 --> 01:07:09,520
Speaker 1: to work towards. But when you realize perfection doesn't exist.

1415
01:07:09,600 --> 01:07:14,320
Speaker 1: But there's a great book called flow and flow state

1416
01:07:14,920 --> 01:07:17,840
Speaker 1: is all about when you feel like you're in the zone.

1417
01:07:18,440 --> 01:07:23,160
Speaker 1: So musicians or rappers or swimmers or singers when they're

1418
01:07:23,200 --> 01:07:26,320
Speaker 1: like fully zoned in, like if you watched Elvis, or

1419
01:07:26,360 --> 01:07:29,960
Speaker 1: you watch Beyonce, or you watch your favorite athlete, you

1420
01:07:29,960 --> 01:07:32,400
Speaker 1: can tell they're in the zone that's called flow state.

1421
01:07:33,080 --> 01:07:36,120
Speaker 1: And they say flow state is when your challenge meets

1422
01:07:36,160 --> 01:07:39,240
Speaker 1: your skill. So when your skill and your challenge meet

1423
01:07:39,440 --> 01:07:42,560
Speaker 1: and are aligned, that's when you experience flow. But most

1424
01:07:42,600 --> 01:07:45,439
Speaker 1: of us experience one or the other. We experience our

1425
01:07:45,520 --> 01:07:51,680
Speaker 1: challenge above our skill. That's really depressing, it's disheartening, it

1426
01:07:51,720 --> 01:07:55,480
Speaker 1: makes us feel unworthy. Or we experience our skill above

1427
01:07:55,480 --> 01:07:58,440
Speaker 1: our challenge that makes us feel bored, it makes us

1428
01:07:58,440 --> 01:08:02,320
Speaker 1: for lethargic, just feel complacent. So what I say to

1429
01:08:02,400 --> 01:08:04,920
Speaker 1: people is if you want to feel progress and not

1430
01:08:05,000 --> 01:08:08,560
Speaker 1: work on perfection, just focus on making your skill and

1431
01:08:08,600 --> 01:08:11,640
Speaker 1: your challenge a line and that will create such a

1432
01:08:11,920 --> 01:08:15,240
Speaker 1: powerful mode to help you focus on your skill and

1433
01:08:15,280 --> 01:08:18,360
Speaker 1: your challenge, not on perfectional progress, and it gives you

1434
01:08:18,400 --> 01:08:20,200
Speaker 1: something worthy to focus on. So that's what I always

1435
01:08:20,240 --> 01:08:22,280
Speaker 1: focus on. If I find something too easy, I'm like,

1436
01:08:22,479 --> 01:08:24,519
Speaker 1: what challenge do I need to take on? And if

1437
01:08:24,560 --> 01:08:26,599
Speaker 1: I find something really hard, I'm like, what skill don't

1438
01:08:26,640 --> 01:08:29,439
Speaker 1: I have? So I'm not worried about perfectional progress. I'm

1439
01:08:29,439 --> 01:08:31,920
Speaker 1: more worried about my skill and my challenge, Well.

1440
01:08:31,840 --> 01:08:34,920
Speaker 2: I have a question. Yeah, is there something that I

1441
01:08:34,960 --> 01:08:36,759
Speaker 2: should be asking you that I haven't asked you?

1442
01:08:36,800 --> 01:08:40,200
Speaker 1: No, I think you have asked brilliant questions. This has

1443
01:08:40,240 --> 01:08:43,719
Speaker 1: been such a fun conversation. I've answered so many questions

1444
01:08:43,760 --> 01:08:46,040
Speaker 1: that I've never been asked before. That's credit to you

1445
01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:48,760
Speaker 1: and your research and preparation. And I've had such a

1446
01:08:48,760 --> 01:08:49,600
Speaker 1: good time talking to you.

1447
01:08:49,640 --> 01:08:53,240
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, thank you. Let's close this with your message

1448
01:08:53,280 --> 01:08:56,519
Speaker 2: of love and connection over the course of your career,

1449
01:08:56,560 --> 01:08:58,759
Speaker 2: over the course of this book. I think it's phenomenal

1450
01:08:58,760 --> 01:09:02,040
Speaker 2: and it's so powerful. So what advice last advice do

1451
01:09:02,080 --> 01:09:04,799
Speaker 2: you have for those who may be struggling to cultivate

1452
01:09:04,920 --> 01:09:08,519
Speaker 2: meaningful connections in their lives and what can they do

1453
01:09:08,560 --> 01:09:10,920
Speaker 2: to kind of deepen the connections they already have.

1454
01:09:11,600 --> 01:09:13,960
Speaker 1: Connect with people who want to connect with you. I

1455
01:09:13,960 --> 01:09:15,720
Speaker 1: think most of our issues come when we're trying to

1456
01:09:15,720 --> 01:09:17,720
Speaker 1: connect with people who don't want to connect with us, right,

1457
01:09:18,080 --> 01:09:21,679
Speaker 1: And I promise you you may think you make effort

1458
01:09:21,760 --> 01:09:24,080
Speaker 1: with people who don't make effort with you. I promise

1459
01:09:24,120 --> 01:09:25,519
Speaker 1: you there are people who make effort with you that

1460
01:09:25,560 --> 01:09:28,040
Speaker 1: you don't make effort with. I guarantee you there are

1461
01:09:28,120 --> 01:09:30,280
Speaker 1: people there that text you more than you text them,

1462
01:09:30,479 --> 01:09:31,800
Speaker 1: but you don't want to text with them. You want

1463
01:09:31,800 --> 01:09:33,800
Speaker 1: to text with someone else. And we live in this

1464
01:09:33,840 --> 01:09:37,920
Speaker 1: world where we are constantly chasing, pursuing, wanting to be

1465
01:09:38,120 --> 01:09:40,840
Speaker 1: around different people. But there are people who love you

1466
01:09:40,920 --> 01:09:43,640
Speaker 1: right now that you're disconnected from, and so connect with

1467
01:09:43,640 --> 01:09:45,800
Speaker 1: people who want to connect with you. Make an effort

1468
01:09:45,840 --> 01:09:48,040
Speaker 1: with people who make an effort with you. Sure, make

1469
01:09:48,080 --> 01:09:50,120
Speaker 1: new efforts and try and connect with new people, but

1470
01:09:50,640 --> 01:09:55,120
Speaker 1: don't chase someone who's clearly showing you that they don't

1471
01:09:55,120 --> 01:09:56,599
Speaker 1: have space for you in their life. That doesn't make

1472
01:09:56,640 --> 01:09:59,040
Speaker 1: them a bad person, they just don't have time right now.

1473
01:09:59,240 --> 01:10:02,719
Speaker 2: I like that. It's kind of it's your childhood trauma.

1474
01:10:02,720 --> 01:10:04,639
Speaker 2: You're chasing that I love you didn't get as a child.

1475
01:10:04,640 --> 01:10:07,519
Speaker 2: And then it's talked about a long time ago, where

1476
01:10:08,000 --> 01:10:09,920
Speaker 2: you spend your whole life thinking people don't love you,

1477
01:10:10,280 --> 01:10:12,559
Speaker 2: and then when you actually pay attention, you realize all

1478
01:10:12,600 --> 01:10:14,840
Speaker 2: these people around you do love you. They've been trying

1479
01:10:14,840 --> 01:10:16,679
Speaker 2: to show you love. And you said, you're like, why

1480
01:10:16,720 --> 01:10:18,000
Speaker 2: doesn't that person out life?

1481
01:10:18,120 --> 01:10:20,960
Speaker 1: Yes, that's often what our life is. That is exactly

1482
01:10:20,960 --> 01:10:22,720
Speaker 1: what it is. We're looking at the one person that

1483
01:10:22,760 --> 01:10:25,040
Speaker 1: we want love from, as opposed to looking at the

1484
01:10:25,040 --> 01:10:26,280
Speaker 1: ten people are showing us love.

1485
01:10:26,640 --> 01:10:30,120
Speaker 2: How do we stop then and become aware? Because self

1486
01:10:30,120 --> 01:10:32,439
Speaker 2: awareness is not easy, How do you finally like, you

1487
01:10:32,479 --> 01:10:35,160
Speaker 2: know what enough? I don't want to chase this person anymore.

1488
01:10:35,200 --> 01:10:35,960
Speaker 2: They don't love me.

1489
01:10:36,120 --> 01:10:38,320
Speaker 1: It will only happen the more you connect with the

1490
01:10:38,320 --> 01:10:41,439
Speaker 1: people who do love you, you'll naturally feel it. You'll

1491
01:10:41,680 --> 01:10:46,800
Speaker 1: feel less needy, you feel less fomo, you'll feel less disconnected.

1492
01:10:46,840 --> 01:10:49,080
Speaker 1: So it's not about I think sometimes we think I

1493
01:10:49,080 --> 01:10:51,840
Speaker 1: have to disconnect first to connect somewhere else. It's the

1494
01:10:51,840 --> 01:10:53,519
Speaker 1: other way around. If I go and connect with the

1495
01:10:53,520 --> 01:10:56,280
Speaker 1: people I want to connect with, who naturally disconnect from

1496
01:10:56,280 --> 01:10:57,320
Speaker 1: the people that I don't need it.

1497
01:10:57,680 --> 01:11:01,000
Speaker 2: So you have to unlearn your all behavior in a way,

1498
01:11:01,000 --> 01:11:03,640
Speaker 2: because if actually thinking chasing someone, that's what love is

1499
01:11:03,840 --> 01:11:06,880
Speaker 2: versus this person's saying. If I'm so used to only

1500
01:11:06,920 --> 01:11:08,519
Speaker 2: chasing love, if you're sitting next to me and you're

1501
01:11:08,520 --> 01:11:10,440
Speaker 2: showing me love, I'm not going to understand.

1502
01:11:10,040 --> 01:11:12,240
Speaker 1: This is love. That you've just hit the nail on

1503
01:11:12,280 --> 01:11:13,160
Speaker 1: the head. That's exactly.

1504
01:11:13,160 --> 01:11:14,360
Speaker 2: It's all because of your book.

1505
01:11:14,479 --> 01:11:16,640
Speaker 1: No, no, no, But that's exactly it that we have

1506
01:11:17,280 --> 01:11:20,120
Speaker 1: that is so well said. We've conditioned ourselves to believe

1507
01:11:20,200 --> 01:11:22,760
Speaker 1: that love is chasing someone, which means even when the

1508
01:11:22,760 --> 01:11:25,560
Speaker 1: most loving person is sitting right next to us. Or

1509
01:11:25,640 --> 01:11:28,519
Speaker 1: we've convinced ourselves that love means fixing someone, and so

1510
01:11:28,560 --> 01:11:31,679
Speaker 1: we keep finding people to fix. Or we've convinced ourselves

1511
01:11:31,720 --> 01:11:34,479
Speaker 1: that love means saving someone, so we keep finding someone

1512
01:11:34,479 --> 01:11:37,160
Speaker 1: to save, and so we keep looking for someone to fix,

1513
01:11:37,240 --> 01:11:40,920
Speaker 1: someone to save, someone to chase, not realizing that love

1514
01:11:41,040 --> 01:11:43,599
Speaker 1: men who's willing to sit with me right now and

1515
01:11:43,640 --> 01:11:44,120
Speaker 1: be present.

1516
01:11:44,280 --> 01:11:46,840
Speaker 2: I agree because, like I said in the past, when

1517
01:11:46,840 --> 01:11:49,720
Speaker 2: I grew up with my parents, we're all together. My

1518
01:11:49,840 --> 01:11:51,760
Speaker 2: mom showed me so much love. She's the most loving

1519
01:11:51,800 --> 01:11:54,519
Speaker 2: person of ever in my life. My dad didn't, and

1520
01:11:54,560 --> 01:11:56,439
Speaker 2: I chase that so much, and my mom would show

1521
01:11:56,479 --> 01:11:59,080
Speaker 2: me love. I thought, that's so weak. She cries so easily.

1522
01:11:59,280 --> 01:12:02,360
Speaker 2: She's overly loving. And my father forget who my birthday was,

1523
01:12:02,400 --> 01:12:03,479
Speaker 2: and I was like, that's my hero.

1524
01:12:03,720 --> 01:12:08,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly exactly, and we get trained. That's a perfect example.

1525
01:12:08,800 --> 01:12:11,559
Speaker 2: Okay, so where can people find you?

1526
01:12:11,560 --> 01:12:13,439
Speaker 1: You can find me in my new book, of Course,

1527
01:12:13,560 --> 01:12:15,479
Speaker 1: with a great Place, which is eight rules of love

1528
01:12:15,520 --> 01:12:19,240
Speaker 1: dot com. You can find me on my podcast on

1529
01:12:19,320 --> 01:12:23,120
Speaker 1: Purpose and which is across all platforms, and you can

1530
01:12:23,160 --> 01:12:27,120
Speaker 1: find me on Instagram and TikTok at j Sheddy Okay Perfect.

1531
01:12:27,120 --> 01:12:31,280
Speaker 2: And then you're currently also your first ever world tour

1532
01:12:31,560 --> 01:12:34,360
Speaker 2: Love Rules, So you guys can go to Jshatdy tour

1533
01:12:34,439 --> 01:12:37,040
Speaker 2: dot com for tickets and also be my description. And

1534
01:12:37,080 --> 01:12:40,160
Speaker 2: you can follow Jay on Instagram and subscribe to his

1535
01:12:40,240 --> 01:12:43,479
Speaker 2: podcast if you can already subscribe, which I surprised his

1536
01:12:43,520 --> 01:12:46,400
Speaker 2: podcast is on Purpose. If you have any questions, make

1537
01:12:46,400 --> 01:12:48,920
Speaker 2: sure to DM him and follow him. Is there anything

1538
01:12:48,920 --> 01:12:49,719
Speaker 2: else you want to add?

1539
01:12:49,880 --> 01:12:51,280
Speaker 1: No, I just want to say thank you to you.

1540
01:12:51,320 --> 01:12:53,240
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having such a genuine, thoughtful

1541
01:12:53,240 --> 01:12:57,479
Speaker 1: conversation and doing so much incredible preparation, asking such great questions,

1542
01:12:57,520 --> 01:13:00,679
Speaker 1: such amazing I would just say to be a letter

1543
01:13:00,800 --> 01:13:04,160
Speaker 1: and for all of you that listen via Letter's amazing host,

1544
01:13:04,240 --> 01:13:07,519
Speaker 1: because when I said something today, I felt like she

1545
01:13:07,640 --> 01:13:11,120
Speaker 1: was internalizing it, reflecting it, and you could see her

1546
01:13:11,200 --> 01:13:13,720
Speaker 1: do what I hope everyone else is doing. And I

1547
01:13:13,760 --> 01:13:15,840
Speaker 1: think that makes you an amazing host to actually do

1548
01:13:15,920 --> 01:13:18,160
Speaker 1: that live and in real time and apply it to

1549
01:13:18,160 --> 01:13:20,240
Speaker 1: your own life. And I think that's going to benefit

1550
01:13:20,240 --> 01:13:22,320
Speaker 1: your community, and obviously it is, that's why they follow you.

1551
01:13:22,400 --> 01:13:24,200
Speaker 1: But I just want everyone to know that that's a

1552
01:13:24,240 --> 01:13:27,000
Speaker 1: really special skill. So thank you so much.

1553
01:13:27,200 --> 01:13:28,400
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for saying that.

1554
01:13:28,479 --> 01:13:29,240
Speaker 1: Of course I mean it.

1555
01:13:29,320 --> 01:13:31,240
Speaker 2: Okay, bye, you guys, have a beautiful day.

1556
01:13:31,360 --> 01:13:44,479
Speaker 1: Thank you. I read something mind boggling recently. Most of

1557
01:13:44,520 --> 01:13:49,880
Speaker 1: the cells in our body completely renewed themselves over our lifetimes,

1558
01:13:50,640 --> 01:13:54,760
Speaker 1: some in just a few days. Make no bones about it.

1559
01:13:55,160 --> 01:13:59,840
Speaker 1: Were literally built for change. Yeah, for some reason, we

1560
01:14:00,120 --> 01:14:04,800
Speaker 1: resist it. The next seven minutes are about you and

1561
01:14:04,880 --> 01:14:10,599
Speaker 1: how to change your attitude towards well change. I'm Jay Shaddy.

1562
01:14:11,200 --> 01:14:16,160
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now let's get centered with

1563
01:14:16,360 --> 01:14:25,639
Speaker 1: three mindful breaths inhaling and exhaling, feeling the air flow

1564
01:14:25,640 --> 01:14:33,800
Speaker 1: in and feeling it flow out, bringing your attention to

1565
01:14:33,920 --> 01:14:38,280
Speaker 1: this moment, and settling in to the here and now.

1566
01:14:42,439 --> 01:14:45,639
Speaker 1: There's an old story about a man who had been

1567
01:14:45,680 --> 01:14:51,439
Speaker 1: struggling with anxiety. He heard that meditation could support his

1568
01:14:51,600 --> 01:14:55,120
Speaker 1: mental and emotional health, so he went to a local

1569
01:14:55,160 --> 01:15:00,479
Speaker 1: mindfulness center and started taking classes on his own. He

1570
01:15:00,560 --> 01:15:05,880
Speaker 1: practiced diligently, getting up every morning and meditating to begin

1571
01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:10,920
Speaker 1: the day. One night, a few weeks after starting his practice,

1572
01:15:11,640 --> 01:15:14,920
Speaker 1: the man stayed after class to talk with his teacher.

1573
01:15:16,240 --> 01:15:21,040
Speaker 1: I don't know what's wrong, he said. I'm doing everything

1574
01:15:21,080 --> 01:15:26,680
Speaker 1: you described. I'm sitting every day, I'm breathing, I'm noticing

1575
01:15:26,760 --> 01:15:31,160
Speaker 1: thoughts and trying to release them. But I just can't

1576
01:15:31,200 --> 01:15:37,000
Speaker 1: get my mind to calm down. It's not working. The

1577
01:15:37,040 --> 01:15:43,760
Speaker 1: teacher nodded and smiled. It's okay, she said, keep meditating.

1578
01:15:44,600 --> 01:15:50,240
Speaker 1: It will change. The man was skeptical, but he kept meditating.

1579
01:15:51,520 --> 01:15:54,719
Speaker 1: A few months later, the man stayed after class again,

1580
01:15:55,320 --> 01:16:00,000
Speaker 1: this time with good news for his teacher. Everything's changed,

1581
01:16:00,040 --> 01:16:05,000
Speaker 1: meaned just like you said. I'm finally feeling it. All

1582
01:16:05,080 --> 01:16:09,519
Speaker 1: the calm, the relaxation. I can easily clear my mind.

1583
01:16:10,080 --> 01:16:17,120
Speaker 1: It's wonderful. The teacher nodded and smiled. Keep meditating, she said,

1584
01:16:18,040 --> 01:16:23,200
Speaker 1: it will change. If only we could freeze those good feelings,

1585
01:16:23,560 --> 01:16:26,519
Speaker 1: those times in life when things are going our way.

1586
01:16:27,280 --> 01:16:30,360
Speaker 1: We had a great day at work or a fantastic date.

1587
01:16:30,880 --> 01:16:35,920
Speaker 1: We're feeling energized and healthy, and we think, finally it's

1588
01:16:36,040 --> 01:16:41,760
Speaker 1: all coming together. Then when things shift, as they inevitably,

1589
01:16:41,840 --> 01:16:47,840
Speaker 1: do we feel despondent, angry or frustrated. Today was a

1590
01:16:47,920 --> 01:16:52,800
Speaker 1: struggle at work. We're feeling misunderstood by our partner. We're

1591
01:16:52,800 --> 01:16:57,640
Speaker 1: feeling burned out and warm thin. In these moments, it

1592
01:16:57,760 --> 01:17:02,880
Speaker 1: feels like things will never change. But there is no

1593
01:17:03,040 --> 01:17:07,720
Speaker 1: feeling in the world that is eternal, and there is

1594
01:17:07,800 --> 01:17:12,920
Speaker 1: no feeling in the world that is eternally absent. Whatever

1595
01:17:12,960 --> 01:17:19,000
Speaker 1: you're experiencing, it will change on some level. We know this,

1596
01:17:19,760 --> 01:17:23,680
Speaker 1: and yet we either push back against it or we

1597
01:17:23,880 --> 01:17:28,200
Speaker 1: try and rush the change. But wishing your life would

1598
01:17:28,280 --> 01:17:32,519
Speaker 1: stop changing is like hoping that summer won't turn to autumn,

1599
01:17:33,000 --> 01:17:35,920
Speaker 1: and trying to rush change is like telling winter to

1600
01:17:36,000 --> 01:17:41,120
Speaker 1: hurry up and become spring. Just like in nature, life

1601
01:17:41,600 --> 01:17:46,120
Speaker 1: happens in seasons, and while it seems like some seasons

1602
01:17:46,320 --> 01:17:51,800
Speaker 1: are good and others are bad, attachment and aversion are

1603
01:17:51,840 --> 01:17:55,960
Speaker 1: really just different sides of the same coin. They can

1604
01:17:56,000 --> 01:17:59,880
Speaker 1: make change more difficult or painful than it needs to be.

1605
01:18:01,280 --> 01:18:05,240
Speaker 1: By labeling the shift as good or bad, we're judging

1606
01:18:05,280 --> 01:18:11,000
Speaker 1: the moment. We're resisting the flow of life. Instead, when

1607
01:18:11,040 --> 01:18:15,799
Speaker 1: we learn to accept change, we're able to embrace whatever

1608
01:18:15,840 --> 01:18:19,679
Speaker 1: life gives us. Then we'll be able to meet each

1609
01:18:19,760 --> 01:18:27,920
Speaker 1: moment with courage. Clarity and composure. So today good or bad,

1610
01:18:28,720 --> 01:18:35,400
Speaker 1: happy or sad, calm or stressed, just let it flow.

1611
01:18:37,280 --> 01:18:41,160
Speaker 1: And with that in mind, let's meditate and then reflect

1612
01:18:41,320 --> 01:18:45,840
Speaker 1: on your approach to change. So get comfortable wherever you are,

1613
01:18:46,880 --> 01:18:53,240
Speaker 1: giving yourself the permission to release a little tension, closing

1614
01:18:53,280 --> 01:18:56,280
Speaker 1: your eyes if you feel like it will help you

1615
01:18:56,400 --> 01:19:07,840
Speaker 1: settle in the natural rhythm of the breath in and out,

1616
01:19:09,920 --> 01:19:17,280
Speaker 1: observing how your body feels. You can rest your attention

1617
01:19:18,439 --> 01:19:23,120
Speaker 1: on any part of this moment and see if you

1618
01:19:23,160 --> 01:19:28,320
Speaker 1: can bring an attitude of acceptance to whatever you're experiencing.

1619
01:19:33,880 --> 01:19:38,559
Speaker 1: If something feels good, we're not trying to hold onto it,

1620
01:19:40,080 --> 01:19:46,320
Speaker 1: And if something feels challenging or uncomfortable, we're not trying

1621
01:19:46,360 --> 01:19:55,439
Speaker 1: to change it. We're just noticing what is and allowing

1622
01:19:55,439 --> 01:20:09,880
Speaker 1: ourselves to be okay with that, breathing in and breathing out,

1623
01:20:13,120 --> 01:20:24,080
Speaker 1: stretching up and sinking down. And now let's open this up.

1624
01:20:25,640 --> 01:20:33,960
Speaker 1: Think about your relationship with change. Are you familiar with

1625
01:20:34,080 --> 01:20:47,000
Speaker 1: attachment or aversion? Do you meet change with resistance? Can

1626
01:20:47,040 --> 01:20:49,799
Speaker 1: you let go of your grip on the good times?

1627
01:20:51,240 --> 01:20:59,280
Speaker 1: Relax your rush during tough times? I know this might

1628
01:20:59,320 --> 01:21:04,080
Speaker 1: be easiest, said than done, but remember we're built for change.

1629
01:21:05,320 --> 01:21:08,519
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful to you for joining me today. I'll

1630
01:21:08,520 --> 01:21:09,280
Speaker 1: see you tomorrow.