Speaker 1: I can't wait to funk the dead as. Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us
Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each
Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make
Speaker 1: you need derby most days. Wow. And one more important
Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this
Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as is the
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say
Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow
Speaker 1: Talk to a whole new level. Dead Ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: Story time, story I'm nervous about you're gonna tell? What?
Speaker 1: What's gonna tell? When we're talking about intimacy and whatnot?
Speaker 1: Why are you? Why are you nervous? I don't know,
Speaker 1: because you know you'd be having funny stories, because funny
Speaker 1: should be happening in this house, y'all. Now it's to
Speaker 1: be to be honest, it's it's not even funny story.
Speaker 1: It's just how you change right, how you change like
Speaker 1: immediately after the baby comes out, because while the baby
Speaker 1: was in there, you don't want no parts to me
Speaker 1: at all. You still handled your business to make sure
Speaker 1: I was taking care of But now give you a
Speaker 1: quick story how you almost made me crash? Right, I
Speaker 1: got k car? Well, our first were almost crashed your cars, Like,
Speaker 1: I can't call from all you women saying what you get, kre,
Speaker 1: what you get kre. The reason why we didn't post
Speaker 1: a push present is because it's not enough spirit to
Speaker 1: be boastful. It was a gift for me to her,
Speaker 1: and she received that. She didn't want to post it. Also,
Speaker 1: people is called jacking, and you can and people out here,
Speaker 1: and you gotta keep it off the internet because I
Speaker 1: don't want people to know what type of car my
Speaker 1: wife drive, because we're not trying to have those problems
Speaker 1: because I do buzz guns too, Just letting y'all know
Speaker 1: that trying to roll up on my baby. Chitty chitty
Speaker 1: bang bang, all right, But that's not even the story.
Speaker 1: The story is I'm driving a car coming back from
Speaker 1: the studio, right and I see a d M. Right,
Speaker 1: and I see the d M. It's from cadeem and
Speaker 1: and the d M says, um, it was a guy.
Speaker 1: There was a guy with the eyes open like this,
Speaker 1: and he was looking down. And it says when she
Speaker 1: puts it here in the ponytail and takes that sip
Speaker 1: of water and then and the caption said, they got
Speaker 1: nine thousand, and you said, well, in Mike, you put
Speaker 1: it in my case? Is that sip of milk? And
Speaker 1: I almost crashed because I realized in that moment that
Speaker 1: my baby is them in back. That's a fact, because
Speaker 1: it is three weeks postpartum and now she's sending me
Speaker 1: almost four counting down, it's almost four weeks postpartum, and
Speaker 1: that's when she gets back from her freaky diky ship
Speaker 1: right after the baby comes out. That's when she started
Speaker 1: looking at me differently. But I've seen that, and I
Speaker 1: almost laughed so hard. At the same time speeding, I
Speaker 1: was like a buck thirty. Don't be on your phone
Speaker 1: while driving, bro, because you never know any given moment
Speaker 1: where I'm gonna send you. But the thing is to
Speaker 1: be honest. I do the minute I see blank go
Speaker 1: up on my phone, I don't know if it's an
Speaker 1: emergency or not, so I check it first then when
Speaker 1: I see use the d M, I was like, what
Speaker 1: is this? And then when I see that, I was like,
Speaker 1: let me get my ass home? And made like seven
Speaker 1: minutes after that, Well, ponytail, baby is exactly and my
Speaker 1: here grew a little bit, you know, so I make
Speaker 1: sure I pull it back so there's nothing in the way,
Speaker 1: because there's nothing worse when you do what you gotta do,
Speaker 1: and then you feel like the stringer here just messes
Speaker 1: up the whole flow, y'all, It messes up the whole flow.
Speaker 1: I'm ready to pull up on you. I'm ready to
Speaker 1: do what to do? Maybe what you want to do?
Speaker 1: Shoot you shot because I'm bulletproof. Loaded up do dude?
Speaker 1: I don't even know if you're loaded. Do you have
Speaker 1: to load anymore? Because you don't wrap much in there
Speaker 1: what you're talking about? I stay loaded, baby. What you
Speaker 1: want to do, I'm ready to pull up on you.
Speaker 1: I'm ready to do what it? Oh? Hey, um, how
Speaker 1: are going in? Lost? My whole train of thought? Lost,
Speaker 1: my whole train of thoughts. Show me a wild side, boy,
Speaker 1: because I know my wild side isn't route. She coming back, y'all.
Speaker 1: But remember what Tikiya said, Tikia had a discussion with us.
Speaker 1: Tikia had a discussion with us. So let's go back
Speaker 1: to the story of time, right, because this is all
Speaker 1: funny games that Takia had a discussion with us before
Speaker 1: she left here because she know how we stay. It's
Speaker 1: He was like, let's have the conversation about your vasectomy,
Speaker 1: and she's like, Cusine, we're going to have the conversation
Speaker 1: about when six weeks comes around, what are you going
Speaker 1: to be doing to protect yourself from your husband? Protect
Speaker 1: from you? What are you doing to protect yourself from
Speaker 1: your husband after six weeks but prior to his vasectomy. So,
Speaker 1: but let's not damp in the mood talking about balls,
Speaker 1: balls snipping and whatnot. Um, we can dive into rekindling
Speaker 1: intimacy after a baby, because I think that is probably
Speaker 1: something a lot of people are looking forward to. The
Speaker 1: number one thing. All of my homeboys who just had
Speaker 1: babies that asking me, like, bro, when when is that
Speaker 1: going to happen? When do things go back to normal? Right? Um?
Speaker 1: And then is there really a state of normal after
Speaker 1: we have a baby, Like how is intimacy affected? I
Speaker 1: think it is also an issue or something to talk
Speaker 1: about because women not feeling like themselves anymore, not looking
Speaker 1: like themselves anymore, not recognizing their body. Does that affect
Speaker 1: how intimacy works? The reason why your wild side is back?
Speaker 1: Why it's my tricks. I'm gonna let you lean on
Speaker 1: it since this is last, baby, alright, dive right in.
Speaker 1: Only then we have to be tricks no more, because
Speaker 1: you ain't gonna be pregnant coming back no more. So
Speaker 1: I canna let you know what I did. Chill, baby,
Speaker 1: Let's let's go to break. Let's come back from break.
Speaker 1: I'm curious, something like, what's what's going on? I'm a
Speaker 1: little my homies in on what I did to make
Speaker 1: her want to pull up on me? Pull up on me?
Speaker 1: Is it up? Is that why the beard is back up?
Speaker 1: All right, let's go to break. Let's go to break it.
Speaker 1: We'll come back. So we're back. I want to know.
Speaker 1: Tell me, tell me the secret. What you've been doing.
Speaker 1: You've been planting on me to stopping planting on me, y'all,
Speaker 1: I've been planning. I've been planting since the moment you
Speaker 1: said you was pregnant. I've been planting on you. You
Speaker 1: were planting on me for the get back. I was
Speaker 1: pregnant because it's a process thinking this is the this
Speaker 1: is the problem, this is the problem. A lot of
Speaker 1: gentlemen forked. They wait until the moment the six week
Speaker 1: check up comes to start the process to get intimacy back.
Speaker 1: You don't start then, you know when you start when first? Trust?
Speaker 1: Really yes, because it's women are cerebral, right, women are
Speaker 1: where everything is about how she feels, how she feels
Speaker 1: about herself, how she feels about us, how she feels
Speaker 1: about where we are. And what happens is you gotta
Speaker 1: put deposits in early on. So you think there is
Speaker 1: a reason why I've been getting the nine thousand throughout
Speaker 1: the entire pregnancy. It ain't even had nothing to do
Speaker 1: with you. You didn't even realize I was doing this
Speaker 1: to you, and you were just doing it. Listen, you
Speaker 1: could call me the pregnant baby mama whisper because I
Speaker 1: know what I'm doing. Now, this is number four. I
Speaker 1: know what I'm doing, Okay, Number one. Number one, you
Speaker 1: have to make sure this woman feels safe. Okay, yes,
Speaker 1: number one safe because safety allows you to do what
Speaker 1: open up? Right? If you feel safe? And now what
Speaker 1: I mean say, if I'm not just talking about protector
Speaker 1: with armed guards to keep But no, I'm talking about
Speaker 1: a safe space for her to express how she feels,
Speaker 1: what she needs, what she wants. And I think, I say,
Speaker 1: for the last two pregnancies, I've created a space for
Speaker 1: you to that you have very comfortable. What I've learned
Speaker 1: is that if you can express yourself, it opens up
Speaker 1: a space for intimacy. Right right, So now she's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I can say how I feel if I doesn't get upset,
Speaker 1: he understands where I'm coming from, because I truly do.
Speaker 1: I want to hear where you're coming from, because the
Speaker 1: only way I can continue to maneuver is if I
Speaker 1: try to listen to what you're saying. You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying that the active listening for me absolutely such
Speaker 1: a turn on. Absolutely, I ain't got a lot of
Speaker 1: Ship's exhausting because when you pregnant should be changing from
Speaker 1: day to day, our second and second so it's exhausting.
Speaker 1: But if you want intimacy at that point when you
Speaker 1: can go back to doing what you do, you have
Speaker 1: to start from there. Yes, okay, okay, it's number one.
Speaker 1: Right before we go to number two, I want you
Speaker 1: to speak on how intimately how you felt intimacy was
Speaker 1: during the pregnancy. You know, it's funny for me, it
Speaker 1: happened in waves because every day was a different feeling,
Speaker 1: or different obstacle or just different portions of the pregnancy.
Speaker 1: So in the very beginning of course, being super sick,
Speaker 1: you don't really want anything to do with anybody sleeping
Speaker 1: all the time, you're almost being like you almost look
Speaker 1: at your significant other like you're the reason why I'm
Speaker 1: in this position right now, and you're walking around here
Speaker 1: like completely normal. Nothing ever changes for you. You start
Speaker 1: to have all sorts of issues of resentment um, but
Speaker 1: then you quickly remember like you both wanted this, so
Speaker 1: byre we complaining this is just part of the course, right,
Speaker 1: And then you have the moments where you do want
Speaker 1: to be affectionate and intimate. So for me, that's like
Speaker 1: second trimester. We can go back to being a little
Speaker 1: bit of ourselves because I'm past the sickness phase, but
Speaker 1: I'm not quite big enough where I feel like I
Speaker 1: don't I'm not attractive or I don't feel like I
Speaker 1: want to do anything. You felt like you were not
Speaker 1: attractive leads me to number two. Okay, got you and
Speaker 1: then there's a third trimester where it's just like, get
Speaker 1: this baby out of me. I'm big as a house, Like,
Speaker 1: I don't. This is exit only. This is an exit
Speaker 1: only area. Nothing should be entering at any point um,
Speaker 1: at least in my lady parts. Right. So that was
Speaker 1: my issue during the entire pregnancy. However, I will say
Speaker 1: that you did always make me feel desired. Oh you
Speaker 1: think that was by accident. This very contrived is a
Speaker 1: very deliberate, deliberate idea of making sure that my woman
Speaker 1: has what she needs to make it through trust me,
Speaker 1: through this pregnancy. It was appreciated because it definitely helped,
Speaker 1: at least for my psyche, for me emotionally to feel like, okay,
Speaker 1: well all is not lost, right, and my husband still
Speaker 1: desires me and only me. See. So what happens is
Speaker 1: and people tend to make mistakes when they think like,
Speaker 1: oh this exam So this sounds contrived, right, It's not contrived.
Speaker 1: I want you to feel desired so that you can
Speaker 1: continue to desire me. So I have to help you
Speaker 1: feel desired. I can't sit back and hope that you
Speaker 1: feel desired and active about being purposeful. And that's what people,
Speaker 1: especially men, during pregnancy. Don't realize you have to be
Speaker 1: even more purposeful during pregnancy than you were during the
Speaker 1: dating process. You understand, So you know, I say a
Speaker 1: woman is eating for two. Realistically, during this process, you're
Speaker 1: being purposeful for two because not only do I have
Speaker 1: to make you do it for yourself, but you're doing
Speaker 1: it growing someone else. Right, So I'm also trying to
Speaker 1: be purposeful for you and my unborn child because I
Speaker 1: have to make sure both of you when you come out,
Speaker 1: feel good. And the more the more appreciated, and the
Speaker 1: better you feel while going through this process, the more
Speaker 1: you can reciprocate it, the better the child will come out.
Speaker 1: Think about how peaceful the code had. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: he's probably definitely Yeah, I can see the connection there
Speaker 1: you think about it. He came out super cool. He's
Speaker 1: been such a chill baby. Very right. Yes, you're absolutely
Speaker 1: right about that. So that's the second part talking about
Speaker 1: helping you feel desired. How do I help you feel desired?
Speaker 1: I remember we did a video in where you were
Speaker 1: trying to get dressed up. I was yes, because I
Speaker 1: felt like I wanted to do my part to make
Speaker 1: you feel appreciated or make you feel like you weren't
Speaker 1: forgotten because this was our anniversary around that time, and
Speaker 1: I was about five months pregnant or six yeah about that,
Speaker 1: about five months pregnant, and I was like, Okay, this
Speaker 1: is our vacation, our anniversary. I don't want devoted to
Speaker 1: feel as if I forgot something that he loves, which
Speaker 1: is something you love. Is when I put on a
Speaker 1: little something drop it likenside right, great. So I was
Speaker 1: purposeful about making sure that I included along with my
Speaker 1: bikinis and tan and oil, something that I think you
Speaker 1: would like and for you, it was the effort that
Speaker 1: I put in that you appreciate it, but also not
Speaker 1: only appreciating the moment, but verbally letting you know that
Speaker 1: I appreciate at the moment, right, That's important. A lot
Speaker 1: of times we as couples don't in the moment let
Speaker 1: our significant another other no verbally how much we appreciate small,
Speaker 1: small things. You know what I'm saying. And I think
Speaker 1: that's important for a pregnant woman who is trying, because
Speaker 1: if you're and this is what I've noticed with people, right,
Speaker 1: if you see someone trying and you don't give them
Speaker 1: words of affirmation to keep trying, sometimes they fall off
Speaker 1: and they don't do it. So for me, it was
Speaker 1: to not only make you feel desirable, but to also
Speaker 1: let you know that I know that I see you trying.
Speaker 1: This way you can continue to try. That's how you
Speaker 1: keep intimacy at a height. Just recognition, baby, I recognize it.
Speaker 1: That don't take much, and it's an honest thing, because
Speaker 1: what I didn't do during your pregnancy was a lied
Speaker 1: to you, which will bring me to my next point.
Speaker 1: But keep going talking about how you felt after, you know,
Speaker 1: the third trimester, getting back and stuff like well, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean well so that the third trimester, of course,
Speaker 1: but still knowing that, okay, in that moment, I was
Speaker 1: not able to, for example, have intercourse. That's something that
Speaker 1: during the third trimester because I was also nervous about
Speaker 1: having the baby early and there were a lot of factors.
Speaker 1: So you didn't and scream about it. But I also
Speaker 1: knew that you needed to be taken care of. So
Speaker 1: there are other ways for me to take care of you,
Speaker 1: you know, so that I prided myself on being the
Speaker 1: best goal nine thousand ever, so that way you did
Speaker 1: not feel a deficit, that you still felt desired, Thank
Speaker 1: you appreciate it. I might have locked job by now,
Speaker 1: but you know, hey, it comes to the territory um.
Speaker 1: But that's something that I then desired to do because
Speaker 1: you're right the reciprocity in it, and seeing that he
Speaker 1: is doing this, therefore I should do that, and he's
Speaker 1: acknowledging that I'm doing this, so it makes me want
Speaker 1: to do more of that. I feel like that's something
Speaker 1: we didn't even have pre pregnancy, because we had had
Speaker 1: some moments in our relationship that we've spoken about where
Speaker 1: you felt underappreciated, you didn't feel desired, or I felt like,
Speaker 1: you know, I was doing the most that I could do,
Speaker 1: but really, I honestly wasn't doing the most that I
Speaker 1: could to make you feel desired. So it's almost funny
Speaker 1: that in pregnancy it was so heightened for us that
Speaker 1: I it was on the forefront of my mind to
Speaker 1: make sure that you were taken care of because you
Speaker 1: took care of me so much. And that brings me
Speaker 1: to the next point, being honest. Yeah, you have to
Speaker 1: be honest and not not honest to the point where
Speaker 1: you're being an asshole. But when there were moments, even
Speaker 1: small moments that weren't even big moments yet that I
Speaker 1: felt like, hey, I feel like you're forgetting about me
Speaker 1: and we're not even talking about sex or intercourse. Remember
Speaker 1: when I used to be downstairs in the theater going
Speaker 1: through my scripts and doing all this other stuff and
Speaker 1: preparing the film, and I'd be like, hey, baby, you
Speaker 1: know you haven't even come down and checked on me
Speaker 1: in a couple of days. That heightens intimacy because it
Speaker 1: lets you know that I'm looking for you and I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about you, even when it has nothing to do
Speaker 1: with sex. And that brought us a lot closer, because
Speaker 1: then what did you start to do? Just come downstairs,
Speaker 1: come downstairs here? Just come downstairs and come downstairs leads
Speaker 1: to what leads to you hugging on me and me
Speaker 1: hugging on you when you falling asleep, but you're feeling
Speaker 1: like I'm there, and I'm feeling like you're there. And
Speaker 1: even on days where there were no intercourse and there
Speaker 1: was no God nine thousand, we just enjoyed each other's presence.
Speaker 1: And when you can truthfully enjoy the person that you're
Speaker 1: next to, intimacy remains high. Because I could just hold
Speaker 1: your hand, I can just rub your legs. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You can lay on me and fall asleep,
Speaker 1: and our heartbeats can be in rhythm, and we can
Speaker 1: fall asleep together and wake up and feel good because
Speaker 1: we're spending time together. These are like deliberate things that
Speaker 1: men can do while dealing with a pregnant woman. That
Speaker 1: sometimes can be difficult, and I'm gonna explain why it
Speaker 1: can be difficult. There were times where you didn't want
Speaker 1: to leave the room just because I was tired, or
Speaker 1: that was my comfort space was my bedroom, our bedroom.
Speaker 1: Your your comfort space was our bedroom, But that's not
Speaker 1: my comfort space to get work done because if I
Speaker 1: go in there, I'm going to fall asleep. So there
Speaker 1: were times where we spent hours on different ends of
Speaker 1: the house and I had to learn this is a
Speaker 1: big thing for me, that there was a time in
Speaker 1: the space for you to just be by yourself. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Yes, I want intimacy all the
Speaker 1: time because my love language is physical touch. But I
Speaker 1: also had to realize that a pregnant and sometimes just
Speaker 1: wants to be left alone. And I realized too, the
Speaker 1: times where I left you alone, even in the house,
Speaker 1: you missed me. I would be downstairs and I would
Speaker 1: get a text and hey, where are you? Oh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: at FaceTime you're like, what are you doing? See, you're
Speaker 1: in the theater. And that's important. Giving you time to
Speaker 1: miss me. It's very, very important even when you're not pregnant,
Speaker 1: but more important when you are pregnant, because then that
Speaker 1: gives you time to reminisce on the good times. And
Speaker 1: then that also brings intimacy to a heightened level because
Speaker 1: when you miss people, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Right,
Speaker 1: even in the same house. Yea, even in the same house,
Speaker 1: because you're right, de Val is very much into physical
Speaker 1: touch and he wants me to be near him, which
Speaker 1: I appreciate. After twenty years, my husband still wants me
Speaker 1: to be around him and to be near And that's
Speaker 1: something that I sometimes say, for granted, because I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm okay being in the room by myself
Speaker 1: in this moment. Or he's all right down stare studying.
Speaker 1: If you're studying, let me let him concentrate. And recently
Speaker 1: you said to me, like, yo, I just like I
Speaker 1: just want you to check on me, just check for me. Um.
Speaker 1: He's like the only one that checks for him, and
Speaker 1: that was his cairo. He's the only one in this
Speaker 1: house that ever checks. Well. I want to say check.
Speaker 1: Other people check on me when they want something like
Speaker 1: like with Jackson's daddy, are're taking me to practice? Or
Speaker 1: my mom is like devour, you're gonna assemble whatever in
Speaker 1: the box, or your father wants to go to home
Speaker 1: deep right, kats want me to put together a toy
Speaker 1: right right right? Or you want me to buy something now,
Speaker 1: I don't ask you to buy the more, I just
Speaker 1: go buy it, so I don't be coming to you
Speaker 1: for that. Feel like I'm just putting you on notice
Speaker 1: that I purchased something. But um, but yeah, after twenty years,
Speaker 1: I have to appreciate and love the fact that you
Speaker 1: still be checking for me and you want me to
Speaker 1: check for you. So I learned that as well to
Speaker 1: in pregnancy, it's almost like we were put under like
Speaker 1: a Like they say pregnancy puts the body under a
Speaker 1: mini stress test, I feel like it puts the relationship
Speaker 1: under a mini stress test and a sense so you
Speaker 1: can see where the red flags are, or see the
Speaker 1: potential for things to go wrong in the future, or
Speaker 1: see the room for improvement or see the room for
Speaker 1: effort um And I think that's actually pretty dope because
Speaker 1: it worked for us in the circumstance. It definitely works.
Speaker 1: And I think that it's important for meant to know
Speaker 1: that it is your responsibility to control intimacy during pregnancy,
Speaker 1: because there's things in your child's mother's body that she
Speaker 1: can't control, like hormones and things of that nature. So
Speaker 1: putting the onus on her to let you know when
Speaker 1: she wants to be intimate is to me as a
Speaker 1: cop out. You know what I'm saying. I think it's
Speaker 1: your job. You don't have anything else to do during
Speaker 1: the pregnancy other than work and do everything, you know,
Speaker 1: do everything outside of her body. But there's things she
Speaker 1: can't control, and if being with her and having parts
Speaker 1: of her body is something that you want, you have
Speaker 1: to control that aspect. So for me, a big thing
Speaker 1: I did was make sure that you not only felt
Speaker 1: good during the entire pregnancy, but I ate on you
Speaker 1: about looking good for you know what I'm saying. We
Speaker 1: talked about working out and all that stuff, and that's
Speaker 1: how stuff. We talked about that in a lot of podcasts.
Speaker 1: But I'm talking about making sure you continue to get
Speaker 1: dressed up and go out, because I think a lot
Speaker 1: of pregnant women fall into a rut where they don't
Speaker 1: feel comfortable in closed because the clothes don't fit, so
Speaker 1: they just stay inside. And then once they stay inside,
Speaker 1: they don't put on makeup, and if they don't put
Speaker 1: on makeup, they don't get their hair done, and then
Speaker 1: they start to look at themselves in the mirror and
Speaker 1: they feel down. It's hard for someone to get intimate
Speaker 1: if they don't feel they look good. So what I
Speaker 1: used to do, and I never told you this, I
Speaker 1: would I would say to myself, at some point during
Speaker 1: the week, I'm going to find a reason for us
Speaker 1: to go somewhere. You know what I'm saying. We're just
Speaker 1: we're just gonna go somewhere. And remember we used to
Speaker 1: we used to go think about when we went to
Speaker 1: I don't want to sound our neighbor stuff like that,
Speaker 1: but we went to their birthday party, went to this
Speaker 1: person's event, we went to that person event. And used
Speaker 1: to be like, Babe, I don't feel like and I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: get dressed up, we're gonna go shopping close Because it's
Speaker 1: important for you to know that you you're always gonna
Speaker 1: look good, even through pregnancy. You know, your pregnancy doesn't
Speaker 1: stop you from looking good. Do you make up? Do
Speaker 1: you here? Put these clothes? Are we going out? And
Speaker 1: what I noticed in doing that is when you saw
Speaker 1: yourself looking good, you then wanted to be intimate me
Speaker 1: because you saw yourself looking good. That's true. A lot
Speaker 1: of it is a lot of having to how we
Speaker 1: scrutinize ourselves. So a lot of it has nothing to
Speaker 1: do with your spouse, so you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: It's way more about how we feel about ourselves and
Speaker 1: how we feel like we're presenting to you. Thank you,
Speaker 1: because because a lot of women deal with the fact
Speaker 1: that I don't even look good. I don't even know
Speaker 1: if he's gonna want to, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: Which even after after having the baby, a lot of
Speaker 1: women to are self conscious about how they look. You know,
Speaker 1: your breasts are stagging, they're leaking, um, the skins a
Speaker 1: little loose in the midsection, your booty is a little
Speaker 1: roopy because you haven't been doing squads, which is my
Speaker 1: case right now. But there's so many things that you
Speaker 1: tend to just pick apart because then and then it
Speaker 1: makes the intimacy experience that much less yourself conscious for it,
Speaker 1: for you and for your spouse, for your significant Whose
Speaker 1: job should it be to make sure that a woman
Speaker 1: looks good and feels good about herself? Right now? Of
Speaker 1: course your significant other should be a blifting because I'm
Speaker 1: the one that wants that. I want that part of you.
Speaker 1: So I think it's just an imperative that I be
Speaker 1: purposeful about making sure that when you wake up in
Speaker 1: the morning that you like one bad bitch. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, right, like think regardless of what phase
Speaker 1: I'm in. So check this out. And you probably don't
Speaker 1: even notice this, and you get up to go to
Speaker 1: the bathroom, what do you hear from me? Baby? Okay,
Speaker 1: I do, okay, because I'll be concerned, But don't I
Speaker 1: cat call you? Even when I was battling out the
Speaker 1: bed and the baby was on my bladder, Yes you do?
Speaker 1: Or it was cute because in a way who it
Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily intimacy moment, but devout towards the very end
Speaker 1: would feel me trying to get out of the bed,
Speaker 1: and every single stime you're such a light sleeper two
Speaker 1: and I would get up to p about fifty eleven
Speaker 1: times a night, and every single time, Devot would literally
Speaker 1: just like reach over and just push me out the bed.
Speaker 1: And that's the best illustration I could give y'all is
Speaker 1: a turtle on their back, like on the shell, and
Speaker 1: they're like, ah, I can't, like I can't move, and
Speaker 1: the Devot would just reach over with one hand and
Speaker 1: just flip me out of the bed and then proceeds
Speaker 1: to cat call me as I waddle to the bathroom.
Speaker 1: So that is cute. Now, I'm starting to think a
Speaker 1: little little little isms that you had throughout my pregnancy
Speaker 1: that I maybe didn't pick up on at the time,
Speaker 1: but I was purposeful and deliberate. I love that you
Speaker 1: did that, though, because I think that was one of
Speaker 1: the biggest differences with this pregnancy the other ones, and
Speaker 1: you were you were like we we didn't have this.
Speaker 1: I think maybe the first pregnancy, we didn't have any
Speaker 1: like sex deprivation moments, right, I can tell because that
Speaker 1: wasn't a fairly good mood aside from being like tired
Speaker 1: in his I mean, just because your schedule is crazy
Speaker 1: and stuff, but you were in a pretty decent mood
Speaker 1: this pregnancy. Check yourself out in the mirror all the time.
Speaker 1: At any moment I noticed that you would kind of
Speaker 1: look at yourself like I tried to make sure that
Speaker 1: you focused on something positive so you could leave that
Speaker 1: moment and be like, you're good, And then making sure
Speaker 1: that at least every week or every other week that
Speaker 1: we went to when you got dressed up. Those nights
Speaker 1: when you got dressed up and was feeling yourself, you
Speaker 1: definitely took care of me because you was feeling yourself.
Speaker 1: And when you were feeling yourself, that's when you were
Speaker 1: just like, I'm gonna go. Yeah, it was me feeling me,
Speaker 1: but you're feeling me too, and you see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But think about the opposite that that has happened. Right,
Speaker 1: There's been times in our marriage and during pregnancy where
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to deal with those moments. I
Speaker 1: didn't know what to say or what to do. And
Speaker 1: when you used to send fee going nowhere, I'd be like,
Speaker 1: all right, you're not going nowhere because you're telling me
Speaker 1: you don't you don't want to go. So I started
Speaker 1: to realize and I wur marriage that you can't just
Speaker 1: always just listen to what your spouse is saying, you
Speaker 1: have to know what they need. So it's like, what
Speaker 1: she's saying, I know what she needs, so I'm going
Speaker 1: to ignore everything she's saying and just give her what
Speaker 1: she needs to make herself feel better life. For my
Speaker 1: birthday this year, yes, so that I was like, we're
Speaker 1: doing something for your birthday. I'm like, no, we're not.
Speaker 1: I want nothing more than for my birthday to be
Speaker 1: in bed with you and the boys all weekend. I
Speaker 1: was like, no, nope, nope, nope, go get something to
Speaker 1: where we're going out. You went, you went shopping, and
Speaker 1: then then I'm getting all these texts and videos of
Speaker 1: you and all of these sexy outfits and shoes, and
Speaker 1: you're feeling yourself. That's how you increase intimacy because I know,
Speaker 1: once you saw yourself like that, then you realize, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's to me that I remember. You know, as opposed
Speaker 1: to sitting Could you imagine waking up on your birthday
Speaker 1: and no one's done anything for you because you told
Speaker 1: people that you don't want nothing done from you. You
Speaker 1: feel like ship. You feel like ship. And the biggest
Speaker 1: thing about intimacy is knowing your partner and not just
Speaker 1: knowing your partners sexually but actually knowing your partner. I
Speaker 1: know you love birthdays, and in the in the moment
Speaker 1: when you when I asked you about having something, you
Speaker 1: might legitimately have felt like you didn't want to do
Speaker 1: anything for your birthday. But then your birthday came, and
Speaker 1: I knew that if you woke up and you ain't
Speaker 1: have nothing planning for your birthday or nothing happened, you
Speaker 1: would be pissed, and then intimacy would be here sure,
Speaker 1: and then I'd be like, hey, you know, been a
Speaker 1: couple of days and you know that. Man, my birthday
Speaker 1: came and they did my birthday. Now niggers want me
Speaker 1: to do the God, that's what you would have said.
Speaker 1: And it would have been like you, well, do nothing
Speaker 1: for your birthday. And you'd have been like that because
Speaker 1: I said that, don't mean that That's what I want
Speaker 1: to shade. Shade, all right. I'm just trying to I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to let dudes know, like, this is this
Speaker 1: is how you do it. Like you pay attention. You'll
Speaker 1: be deliberate, you'd be purposeful, and you be smart. You
Speaker 1: gotta be two steps ahead of them. Because as much
Speaker 1: as they say men are shallow. Men are simple. No,
Speaker 1: women are too. That don't require much. You want to
Speaker 1: be taken care of, you want to be safe, you
Speaker 1: want to be admired. You want to be adored, you
Speaker 1: want to be appreciated, you wanna be loved. You want
Speaker 1: to consistent. I think the same people said for men
Speaker 1: to that's what you want, right. That goes without saying,
Speaker 1: but what I'm saying, it's like the problem is people
Speaker 1: don't do it consistently enough to reap the benefits of
Speaker 1: it existing. Exactly. Somebody will do it for a week
Speaker 1: expecting something in return, not realize if you do it
Speaker 1: instantly over time, you don't have to worry about getting
Speaker 1: things in return, because if you do it over time,
Speaker 1: that person will reciprocate it amount if you choose the
Speaker 1: right person. That's a fact. If you choose someone that's
Speaker 1: just a taker, they're gonna take that wrong with it.
Speaker 1: That's not what we're dealing with. That's why you and
Speaker 1: I always talk about being of service to each other,
Speaker 1: and I feel like with rekindling intimacy, there shouldn't be
Speaker 1: anything to rekindle if you continue to be intimate through
Speaker 1: the entire pregnancy. The twist the plot twist. We shouldn't
Speaker 1: be rekindling intimacy, we should be continuing intimacy. You better
Speaker 1: change the title of the show triple Did you hear that?
Speaker 1: Change the title of the show. So tips for reconnecting
Speaker 1: after having a baby. We're trying to stay connected. I
Speaker 1: think we gave the stay connected. That's that's a fact
Speaker 1: for mad heroes all over the places, everywhere, Rose Rose.
Speaker 1: But if you were, by chance one of those goals
Speaker 1: that needed to reconnect after a babe, here's a couple
Speaker 1: tips that we have here lined up. Um, don't become complacent.
Speaker 1: Work on it every day. You just talked about being consistent.
Speaker 1: Who made this list? You made? Unless you treat your relationship,
Speaker 1: your marriage like it's a living thing which requires nurturing
Speaker 1: on a regular basis, you won't have a marriage after
Speaker 1: the kids leave. After the kids leave, you should write
Speaker 1: a book because that's what this Marriage and family therapist
Speaker 1: Michelle Weir Davis said, Um, number two, slow down and
Speaker 1: start over. The truth is things have changed. It's important
Speaker 1: to remember intimacy isn't just hot sex, it's steadfast loyalty
Speaker 1: said It a commitment to getting through stressful times together
Speaker 1: and most importantly, joy enjoying the warm, cozy moments of
Speaker 1: home together, i e. Hanging with the valid with theater.
Speaker 1: Are you a marriage and family therapist, Loki, No, I'm not.
Speaker 1: I've just been married along after time, and I've done
Speaker 1: it wrong along ast time. The best Petrie dish for you, right,
Speaker 1: You're welcome, You're welcome, You're welcome, my favorite dishes. Looking
Speaker 1: very kind of dried apricot right now. But I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get back. I'm gonna get back to plump peach status.
Speaker 1: Okay again, give me grace, your peach always look good.
Speaker 1: Number four, Create intentional space in your mind and in
Speaker 1: your bedroom. To create a space in your mind where
Speaker 1: your identity is as essensual, erotic being right at the forefront,
Speaker 1: and if it's possible to do so, create a physical
Speaker 1: space that's just for you and your partner as well,
Speaker 1: which I think we have our bedroom, we have the theater,
Speaker 1: which I think is where Dakota was made. But the
Speaker 1: thing is, I think that that may work for some people,
Speaker 1: not everybody, because you and I like the spontaneity we have.
Speaker 1: We have a lot of our best sexual experiences when
Speaker 1: we're on vacation because it's different, it's new. You know,
Speaker 1: the excitement of doing something physical together often leads us
Speaker 1: to great self. So absolutely, fin me out, baby, find
Speaker 1: me out after the new year, fly me out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got you. I'm gonna go leave and travel this way.
Speaker 1: I can flyer out there so we can go crazy.
Speaker 1: But I think, I think that creating a space in
Speaker 1: the home can get monotonous and repetitive, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like, that's that's just for me. So some
Speaker 1: things work for some people, some things don't. However, we
Speaker 1: did say that, and within our home, we have our
Speaker 1: spaces where we're comfortable. So if I invite you into
Speaker 1: my comfortable space for a little community, and then you
Speaker 1: invite me into your comfortable space, adling, you know what
Speaker 1: time it is exactly there you go, um oh wait,
Speaker 1: number five, don't bank on spontaneity. So, according to them,
Speaker 1: they're saying not to bank on spontaneity. Think about this.
Speaker 1: Does it hurt more to carve out time for intimacy
Speaker 1: or to not have time for it? I guess it
Speaker 1: depends on the person's schedule. Some people have to be
Speaker 1: mindful of it, which is how I felt like I
Speaker 1: used to interact with you sometimes and at some point
Speaker 1: in our marriage where I would have to kind of
Speaker 1: carve out in my mind like, oh, shoot, has been
Speaker 1: two days. I can and let this day pass without
Speaker 1: making sure we gets done at some point today almost
Speaker 1: putting it on my mental calendar, and it did. It
Speaker 1: didn't necessarily work for me because then became a job. Um.
Speaker 1: So we've realized that spontaneity does work better for us. Um.
Speaker 1: But we just have to be mindful of being connected,
Speaker 1: because if we're connected, then it won't feel like the
Speaker 1: spontaneity is very sporadic. We don't want sporadic sponsanity either.
Speaker 1: We want consistent spontaneity all right. And lastly, practicing gratitude.
Speaker 1: A little appreciation goes a long way. Remember that even
Speaker 1: when things are hard, to let your partner know that
Speaker 1: you see and you appreciate them, and that all things
Speaker 1: work to maintain a healthy family. So yeah, Sobs always
Speaker 1: let me know how appreciative he is of me and
Speaker 1: and everything he does or everything I do. And then
Speaker 1: I feel the same about you in terms of everything
Speaker 1: you do to create this space, especially now where we
Speaker 1: are in our life, um. And not taking for granted
Speaker 1: the struggles and the process that we went through to
Speaker 1: get here. I think that's what makes it much better
Speaker 1: for us now to experience. So absolutely practicing gratitude is
Speaker 1: a big one. I got one thing I want to
Speaker 1: say before we go to break right. I was talking
Speaker 1: to one of my single buddies. I'm not going out
Speaker 1: him because we have our private conversations, but he was
Speaker 1: talking to me about how much he goes through being
Speaker 1: single to try to have sex consistently juggling, juggling women,
Speaker 1: trying to trying to catch and hold on the women,
Speaker 1: trying to catch them at the right time so we
Speaker 1: can get this one and get that one. And he's
Speaker 1: talking about, Bro, it's a lot a lot of work, right,
Speaker 1: But then he mentioned something to me and just like, man,
Speaker 1: when you get married, like you shouldn't have to work
Speaker 1: that hard to have sex. And I said, bro, let's
Speaker 1: let's let's think about this one minute. Think about all
Speaker 1: the work you put in to have sex single. Why
Speaker 1: would you why would you not want to put in
Speaker 1: work to have sex when you're married. Why is it
Speaker 1: automatically assumed that just because you're married, I don't gotta
Speaker 1: put in no work to have sex it's just automatic.
Speaker 1: When you single, you're willing to spend money, spend time,
Speaker 1: chase chicks, play phone games, all of these things. It's
Speaker 1: like that doesn't change when you get married. The only
Speaker 1: thing that changes is that you're putting the same amount
Speaker 1: of energy into one person. That's pretty much guaranteeing results
Speaker 1: because you know if you put this work into this person,
Speaker 1: it's going to be reciprocate. Because that I said, how
Speaker 1: many times if you put an energy into a chick
Speaker 1: and not got what you wanted out of it? It
Speaker 1: happens a lot. That's why I'll be balancing and bouncing
Speaker 1: from chick to chicken. I was like, think about it.
Speaker 1: And I asked my separ that don't get tired, and
Speaker 1: he was just like, yeah, do get tired. But he said,
Speaker 1: I don't wanta have to do that with my wife.
Speaker 1: I just want to be able to get it when
Speaker 1: I get it. And I said, that's the problem. Women
Speaker 1: get used to you playing all these games to get
Speaker 1: it when you single, and then when you get married
Speaker 1: you're not you're not trying to play those same games,
Speaker 1: or you're not trying to put that energy and attention
Speaker 1: into it. Chick gets corneum or not in this for
Speaker 1: them too. So my thing is I love the chase.
Speaker 1: I loved I've always loved the chase. So my thing
Speaker 1: is I look at my wife as the chase. Right.
Speaker 1: Let me see what games and things I can do
Speaker 1: now to keep her on top of her game sexually.
Speaker 1: And you're like a Rubics cube when the minute you
Speaker 1: think you've got to figure it out and you turn
Speaker 1: that that box and all ship there's another different colors
Speaker 1: or something changed. Because women are constantly evolving the same way,
Speaker 1: but all people are constantly evolving, So you can't get
Speaker 1: into a routine and expected to always be the same
Speaker 1: like this. You should be always trying to figure about
Speaker 1: your wife when it comes and whatnot to keep it spicy.
Speaker 1: That I'm a whole lass Ruber cube, That's what I am.
Speaker 1: That you are complicated as simple, But you know what
Speaker 1: you are a fucking genius. You know the val can
Speaker 1: solid Rubi's cube, y'all can't you can't. Yeah, we'll do
Speaker 1: it for you all one day. Not to put the
Speaker 1: pressure on you. I have not done it in a while.
Speaker 1: That's all right, though your mind is still sharp. Hope,
Speaker 1: if not twist me around me out of shape. You see,
Speaker 1: it was saying, God, she ready almost, I'm ready. Start first,
Speaker 1: let's start leaking again. Huh, you gotta take a break again.
Speaker 1: We gotta take a break. I gotta change my breast pads.
Speaker 1: All right, we're gonna take a break, so okay, can
Speaker 1: change him breast bad. I should find a baby. Where's Dakota?
Speaker 1: Come on, bro, I know he's looking for him. A
Speaker 1: little bit. We'll be back after we pay some bills.
Speaker 1: All right, we're back, We're back. Um, Yeah, let's do it.
Speaker 1: Let's dive into these listener letters for this week. UM.
Speaker 1: Shout out to y'all for constantly writing into us. We
Speaker 1: love it. Um. Triple gets a kick out of reading
Speaker 1: your stories and picking them. So hey, guys, love y'all,
Speaker 1: we love you back. Me and my fiancee just had
Speaker 1: a baby in May. He will be seven months next month.
Speaker 1: How am I? Yes, congrats to that? Um? How am
Speaker 1: I able to get my sexy bag? If my spouse
Speaker 1: is hygiene is not up to standards anymore and he
Speaker 1: wants head, et cetera. But it's not properly clean and
Speaker 1: smells like sweat, How do I have this conversation how
Speaker 1: dare you, bro? Like, come on, man, that's the least
Speaker 1: you can do, is man, escape, wash up, get rid
Speaker 1: of the potential schmegma that might be existing in that space.
Speaker 1: Like the truth, Come on, the truth. We we as
Speaker 1: men gotta ourselves accountable, right, We're gonna hold ourselves accountable, right,
Speaker 1: all right? You a lot of men. I want to
Speaker 1: check that got a small waist, bad ass here on
Speaker 1: point lashes and ship. Nigga's gotta take care of himself, bro,
Speaker 1: We and our and our group, and I would like
Speaker 1: men's group, we be clowning our boys. We'll be getting
Speaker 1: out of shape and not taking care of themselves because
Speaker 1: it's irresponsible, and it's unfair for you to expect your
Speaker 1: wife or your girl to continue to look at you
Speaker 1: like you did when y'all we was together, when you
Speaker 1: was in your prime chasing hose. But now you got
Speaker 1: a girl and you're looking like saying them. Even Mrs
Speaker 1: Claus was like, yo, st go watch your balls. Don't
Speaker 1: don't go out and be delivering gifts all night and
Speaker 1: then you won't come back on the trying to get
Speaker 1: It's cold outside, but you're still sweaty, like Miss Claus
Speaker 1: was like, yo, go watch you as but no, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, bro,
Speaker 1: we have to do a better job as well of
Speaker 1: taking care of ourselves to make sure that we're constantly
Speaker 1: desirable to our partner. And there's nothing more undesirable than
Speaker 1: like sweaty balls or you woudn't even kind of try
Speaker 1: to play yourself the other day. Was just like, He's like,
Speaker 1: I didn't really sweat. I was like, bro, you got
Speaker 1: on under armour, like under armour in itself got you
Speaker 1: joint all tucked up in there for an extended period
Speaker 1: of time. So listen, let me tell you what. You
Speaker 1: didn't smell bad. But I was like, you could have
Speaker 1: used a quick little like one two in the shower,
Speaker 1: She asked. She asked, how to I start this conversation.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you the conversation. So I was supposed
Speaker 1: to be working out, right, I'm going Outstaios to workout,
Speaker 1: and while I'm gonna work out, the kids come and
Speaker 1: talk to me. So they want to do this, they
Speaker 1: do that, blah blah blah. I say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do. No car I'm just gonna lift weights.
Speaker 1: I'm not a sweater. So while I'm lifting weights, I
Speaker 1: get done, I come upstairs, eat some dinner, and me
Speaker 1: and Kate talking. We watching some videos and she just
Speaker 1: like baby something me trying to, you know, knock you off. Friend.
Speaker 1: I'm like bet so, I'm just like, let's go. She like,
Speaker 1: you usually got work out of clothes on. Ye like yeah,
Speaker 1: but I ain't sweat. So then she was just like,
Speaker 1: play yourself, son, go get the show and come out.
Speaker 1: So I was like, like that, you're making seem like
Speaker 1: making seem like I was playing full go up basketball right.
Speaker 1: So then I'm like, fucking I want this. So I'm
Speaker 1: I ran, I get the shower. She come up behind
Speaker 1: me and she looked at me right then she just
Speaker 1: put her hand out right and she like jugging my balls,
Speaker 1: and she's just like, you're not bad, but I got
Speaker 1: to be down there with my You could use a
Speaker 1: little one to a little one too. If that's your husband,
Speaker 1: bro had the conversation with him, Yeah, like YO, tell
Speaker 1: him like that. You're supposed to be best friend's life partners.
Speaker 1: If you can't be honest, If you cannot be honest
Speaker 1: with the dude that you're about to put his genitors
Speaker 1: in your mouth. Then now you're really that close. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. You know how many times I
Speaker 1: don't jam my freaking aren't pit under this? Nick knows
Speaker 1: to be like, hey, if you say yeah all the time,
Speaker 1: just in case, because you just never know. And she
Speaker 1: like we checked when it comes to hygiene and just
Speaker 1: being healthy. We check each other. When Kaudine used to
Speaker 1: feel like, I don't know, something may be going on
Speaker 1: on they can you check down there? All right? Boom,
Speaker 1: what's up? Let's sen you need something? I don't know,
Speaker 1: you might need to go and see the doctor, goes,
Speaker 1: I don't know. You know what I'm saying, That's just
Speaker 1: what it down here, you know what I'm saying. Like,
Speaker 1: we do that for each other because that's mine and hers,
Speaker 1: and you have to be able to have these conversations
Speaker 1: with each other, especially when it comes to that area
Speaker 1: because because it's yours is mine and what's mine is
Speaker 1: ours at that point. So we got to make sure
Speaker 1: whatever I got, you got in vice versa. And if
Speaker 1: you're hygiene on point, you can give you your wife
Speaker 1: an infection. Yes, talk about that, us talk about that.
Speaker 1: Because we had this conversation with about circumcision, and some
Speaker 1: people know there's a big anti circumcision thing, but speaking
Speaker 1: to a lot of women and speaking if you're not
Speaker 1: shaving down there because your hair holds fungus, sweat and bacteria, bacteria,
Speaker 1: you would have sex with a woman and then she
Speaker 1: can she's open down there all the time. Like we
Speaker 1: have to just start thinking about right, and then you
Speaker 1: want to tell somebody that this ladies thinks or whatever,
Speaker 1: that's what you must have gave us the baby. And
Speaker 1: sometimes it's and sometimes it's not even like std But
Speaker 1: if you're not sanitary and you're constantly shoving your stuff
Speaker 1: inside of a woman, she's gonna have issues. Bro. That's
Speaker 1: the fact. There was a whole threat on Instagram. Did
Speaker 1: you see that? One time? I was going around about
Speaker 1: what how men should be grooming down there to in
Speaker 1: order to be seen it. And I've seen dudes, I've
Speaker 1: seen something talking about something. I'm a man, I don't
Speaker 1: shave that. Like, bro, it's not it's not metros to
Speaker 1: metro sexual or gay. To take care of your genitals,
Speaker 1: brot like like like this whole idea that you less
Speaker 1: of a man or you don't like women if you
Speaker 1: take care of your genitals is the stupidest thing I've
Speaker 1: ever heard in my life. Bro. And I'm I am
Speaker 1: a man. I love women, but I shave. I keep
Speaker 1: my joint low consistently to make sure that my wife
Speaker 1: don't have no issues because I like to have sex,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, Like, that's just what it is.
Speaker 1: And the thing is, we don't even have these to
Speaker 1: be honest, we don't really have these conversations. Like my
Speaker 1: pops never talked to me about grooming. It just was
Speaker 1: nothing that and I don't know, I never asked him
Speaker 1: if heat grooms. You know, it's just you. You learn
Speaker 1: things that you get older. But these are conversations we
Speaker 1: need to have in our community. So what's not considered taboo,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And and also we can
Speaker 1: protect our women in their reproductive organs one less trip
Speaker 1: to the or urgent care. And these are things that
Speaker 1: you learned. These are these things you learned. For example,
Speaker 1: I learned um even how I shave, because for example,
Speaker 1: remember I used to shave with the trimmer, which used
Speaker 1: to make my hair super course and shoot up. We
Speaker 1: would have sex, then you would chafe and then then chafing.
Speaker 1: It would cause an irritation which could was leaving leading
Speaker 1: to bacterial infections. And I was like, oh, sh it's
Speaker 1: it's the way I'm shaving that's an issue, or the
Speaker 1: length that I'm shaving is causing an issue for my girlfriend.
Speaker 1: And I was nineteen, you know, I didn't I didn't
Speaker 1: know better, but I was using the wrong products even
Speaker 1: shaving and using different creams down there afterwards and would
Speaker 1: have sex and realizing the dingy those creams I use
Speaker 1: in there after shave and then go to have sex,
Speaker 1: go inside of my wife for my girlfriend, and now
Speaker 1: she has a problem. So it's okay to have those conversations,
Speaker 1: especially if you're going to be that close. Yes, please
Speaker 1: just just say it's just say it, because I I feel,
Speaker 1: you know, my be down smelly crotch. And it's the
Speaker 1: same thing. Gentlemen, if you if your wife ain't keeping
Speaker 1: her hygiene up, say baby, you see something, say something,
Speaker 1: see something, spell something, say something. Okay, all right, let
Speaker 1: me say first, I love y'all. We love Thank you
Speaker 1: for always being so transparent with your listeners. Okay, so
Speaker 1: my husband and I have been married for almost ten years.
Speaker 1: I try to be my husband's biggest support system, best
Speaker 1: friend and justice. Everything. Recently have not been in the mood.
Speaker 1: We have three kids, all under the age of seven.
Speaker 1: We both work full time and I cook every day.
Speaker 1: I can't tell you the last time we had date night.
Speaker 1: We don't have We don't have family that we can
Speaker 1: depend on to help us with our kids. I recently
Speaker 1: tried your idea for the closet. We have an area
Speaker 1: in our basement, so but we have an ana basement.
Speaker 1: So I went downstairs and sent him a text message.
Speaker 1: I waited so long that I fell asleep. I woke
Speaker 1: up and went to bed. I was so upset that
Speaker 1: I ended up laughing at myself for even trying. We
Speaker 1: used to be so much fun, but we are now
Speaker 1: an old married couple. I don't want to be. Please
Speaker 1: give me some advice, But you didn't check the text message.
Speaker 1: I want to know. I want to know from him,
Speaker 1: like maybe he fell asleep right, maybe because they're that
Speaker 1: old married couple that just falls asleep now, or maybe
Speaker 1: he only gets text from her when she wants something
Speaker 1: so we ignored it. Come to the basement. He was like,
Speaker 1: she donna have me assemble something she don't have me
Speaker 1: taking out trash. You should have sent a picture with
Speaker 1: the text message is that's when you gotta get dressed up.
Speaker 1: You gotta get cute, you gotta take the little back
Speaker 1: and go from downloads. We was all popping, and that's
Speaker 1: when you sent him the message to come downstairs. He'd
Speaker 1: be prepared and he would make haste and come down,
Speaker 1: make a sound come to now. Um, this goes back
Speaker 1: to what we said earlier. She tried one time and
Speaker 1: now she's over it. Right, That's not how it consistency, baby.
Speaker 1: Intimacy is about consistency. It's not something you do one time.
Speaker 1: Because that one we went through that too, where it
Speaker 1: was like Kadina tried to be sexual and I was
Speaker 1: not expecting it at all. What is this? And she
Speaker 1: was like I was trying something new. You know. You
Speaker 1: don't even respond the way over the course of our
Speaker 1: entire podcast seasons, the different voices that Devour has for me, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll be sounding like a wounded goat. I'd be sounded
Speaker 1: like I don't know what this was, just okay. That's
Speaker 1: how you'd be sounded like I just trying some time.
Speaker 1: And when I try to do this for you, then
Speaker 1: you didn't response. I'm like, why should I even do
Speaker 1: that anymore? But you're right though, because sometimes you feel
Speaker 1: like your efforts, if your efforts falling on deaf ears
Speaker 1: or on olymptic then you're like what what the what
Speaker 1: was the whole point of what I'm saying? Yeah, and
Speaker 1: you know, it's like it shot to your ego, so
Speaker 1: I can under saying how she may feel in that moment,
Speaker 1: like damn, Like I was trying something and here we are.
Speaker 1: But at least she's trying though, which is a good thing.
Speaker 1: But she tried. She's not trying to continue to try
Speaker 1: that wing. But you know, and it takes time for
Speaker 1: you to break that, like that that mental uh cover
Speaker 1: that you have on yourself because when you was trying
Speaker 1: different things, I was blocking it because in my mind
Speaker 1: I was like, she's not gonna keep this up, so
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna actively get used to this or
Speaker 1: get excited get excited. And then my thing was in
Speaker 1: that moment, why are you even like thinking about that?
Speaker 1: Like can't you just enjoy the moment in the moment
Speaker 1: that it is, like here is the present, be present
Speaker 1: in this moment and stop thinking about what happened before
Speaker 1: or what's going to happen in the future, and it
Speaker 1: exists in that moment. Because it's easier said than done.
Speaker 1: It's easy to say, just receive this in this moment
Speaker 1: and don't think about it. A lot of times you
Speaker 1: can't control with your mind goes like I don't expect
Speaker 1: you to put on a leotard and he a leotard
Speaker 1: and heels when I asked you to put on a
Speaker 1: nurse's outfit in a wig, and my mind to be like,
Speaker 1: what she didn't put on what I asked. I expect
Speaker 1: to be excited, but then when I don't see what
Speaker 1: I asked. You know what I'm saying that is that
Speaker 1: the time you talked about a dusty the at time
Speaker 1: because I had the nervous to call my guitar my
Speaker 1: little body suit dusty, it was not dusty. It was cute.
Speaker 1: We were in the funk. I had asked for something
Speaker 1: in particular, when you asked me exactly what I wanted.
Speaker 1: I told you exactly what I wanted. You gave me
Speaker 1: what you wanted, and a day, though it was cute
Speaker 1: and a normal day, I'd be fine. But when you
Speaker 1: asked me what I want, and I'm expecting you're specific.
Speaker 1: Then my mind is going to like what is this?
Speaker 1: And then you just trying to get me going and
Speaker 1: you're like, Okay, what's going on? Just like he was
Speaker 1: supposed to be a nurse baby. Keep trying, keep keep
Speaker 1: keep it going, girl, Yeah, keep going, and then you
Speaker 1: know creative ways to get date night like we've done
Speaker 1: date night in the car if we couldn't get away
Speaker 1: from the kids in the garage, like little things like that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think the consistency part is what um you're gonna
Speaker 1: have to work through. So, but she has the interest,
Speaker 1: I should say now that she was interested. So she
Speaker 1: doesn't want to be like we've said that so many times.
Speaker 1: We're like, we don't want to be our old married couple.
Speaker 1: We don't want to be our parents who don't want
Speaker 1: to be other couples that we've seen. What is the
Speaker 1: worst sex that I like, that that I hate? What
Speaker 1: is the word? Like rolling over in bed and just
Speaker 1: being like, oh yo, there was a point in Monday
Speaker 1: and the bed shoulder, shoulder, and then she would just
Speaker 1: roll over and be like I'll be like, you don't
Speaker 1: touch my dick. Don't touch my dick. And she's like,
Speaker 1: what do you mean because it would be that time
Speaker 1: when I know I was like dead tired. But I'm like, damn,
Speaker 1: it's gonna going on day two, day three. I don't
Speaker 1: do something now, So I like throw my hand over
Speaker 1: there and throw it back right back. I was just
Speaker 1: like I'm good on all that. Don't nobody want to know? Damn,
Speaker 1: Brandy sex. If you'd like to be featured as one
Speaker 1: of our listening letters, y'all keep emailing us at as
Speaker 1: sid advice at gmail dot com. Yes, that's d E
Speaker 1: A D A S S A d V I C
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. All right, moment of truth time, Um,
Speaker 1: my moment of truth? Man is I just hope every
Speaker 1: relationship learns how to have not dead as but live
Speaker 1: because that as be live right now and understand that
Speaker 1: intimacy needs consistency. You don't. You don't, just I want
Speaker 1: to get intimacy back. If you get to the point
Speaker 1: where it's like how do I get INTIVC back? That
Speaker 1: means that you were consistent at letting intimacy go, which
Speaker 1: is messed up. You see what I'm saying, So get
Speaker 1: it back and keep the intimacy going through everything. Highs
Speaker 1: and lows, up and down changes in life. Just continue
Speaker 1: to be intimate your whole relationship, and you'll never have
Speaker 1: to worry about getting it back. Be deliberate about it.
Speaker 1: That's so good. I feel like that was everything he said.
Speaker 1: I I was gonna say consistency too, but also, um,
Speaker 1: I think we should be recognizing when your partner is
Speaker 1: putting in effort to know that, Okay, he's putting in
Speaker 1: some effort, so that's going to jump start something in
Speaker 1: me to then reciprocate that effort. I think that's probably
Speaker 1: the sexiest thing about thinking about intimacy and the continuation
Speaker 1: of it, or if in your case, having to rekindle
Speaker 1: it is knowing that it's kind of like a ping
Speaker 1: pong match, you know. Um. And if I look at
Speaker 1: it that way, now that you've pretty much broken down
Speaker 1: to me your strategy while I was pregnant, I feel
Speaker 1: like it's something that will be worth taking on through
Speaker 1: the rest of our marriage, since we've had moments in
Speaker 1: the past where we've had our dry patches and we've
Speaker 1: had our obstacles with it. If we look at it
Speaker 1: to continue to just be a bouncing back and forth thing,
Speaker 1: I think it'll work for us well post pregnancy. Also,
Speaker 1: I'm glad you said the bouncing back and forth thing
Speaker 1: because I did also realize and listening to you talk
Speaker 1: just now, also recognizing who has the higher sex drive
Speaker 1: in the relationship and realizing that if you're a person
Speaker 1: with the higher sex drive, it's okay to put in
Speaker 1: more effort in that part of your marriage because that's
Speaker 1: what you require, as opposed to saying, well, my partner
Speaker 1: needs to meet me and do exactly what I need
Speaker 1: or figure it out right, that's that's just not fair because,
Speaker 1: like I told my homeboy, if I were single, I
Speaker 1: would be putting a ton of energy and again some asks.
Speaker 1: So if I'm putting all that energy, I should put
Speaker 1: the same energy into getting there from my wife or
Speaker 1: making it feel special enough that we can share it.
Speaker 1: As opposed to saying, well, now we're married, so you
Speaker 1: need to make sure that I'm getting it as much
Speaker 1: as I need it. That's selfish and that's not being
Speaker 1: of service to your partner. So if you recognize that
Speaker 1: you have and sometimes it's not a husband. We've listened.
Speaker 1: We've had women say my sex drive is high, and
Speaker 1: what's up if your sex drive is higher than your husband.
Speaker 1: That energy you would put in again, some dick if
Speaker 1: you was a single woman, put that energy and they
Speaker 1: getting your husband to be into you as opposed to saying, well,
Speaker 1: he needs to take care of it. It's not fair, right, absolutely,
Speaker 1: all right, y'all. I hope I'll enjoyed this episode. I
Speaker 1: think it was pretty, pretty cool, pretty fun. Um I
Speaker 1: did too, And be sure to find us y'all on
Speaker 1: social media dead Ass the podcast. You can find me
Speaker 1: at Cadeen I Am and I Am Devout, and if
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review
Speaker 1: and subscribe that part. Dead as dead Ass is a
Speaker 1: production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced
Speaker 1: by the Noorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social
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