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Speaker 1: I can't wait to funk the dead as. Hey, I'm

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Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us

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Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each

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Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make

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Speaker 1: you need derby most days. Wow. And one more important

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Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this

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Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,

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Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as is the

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say

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Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow

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Speaker 1: Talk to a whole new level. Dead Ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: Story time, story I'm nervous about you're gonna tell? What?

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Speaker 1: What's gonna tell? When we're talking about intimacy and whatnot?

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Speaker 1: Why are you? Why are you nervous? I don't know,

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Speaker 1: because you know you'd be having funny stories, because funny

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Speaker 1: should be happening in this house, y'all. Now it's to

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Speaker 1: be to be honest, it's it's not even funny story.

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Speaker 1: It's just how you change right, how you change like

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Speaker 1: immediately after the baby comes out, because while the baby

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Speaker 1: was in there, you don't want no parts to me

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Speaker 1: at all. You still handled your business to make sure

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Speaker 1: I was taking care of But now give you a

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Speaker 1: quick story how you almost made me crash? Right, I

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Speaker 1: got k car? Well, our first were almost crashed your cars, Like,

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Speaker 1: I can't call from all you women saying what you get, kre,

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Speaker 1: what you get kre. The reason why we didn't post

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Speaker 1: a push present is because it's not enough spirit to

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Speaker 1: be boastful. It was a gift for me to her,

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Speaker 1: and she received that. She didn't want to post it. Also,

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Speaker 1: people is called jacking, and you can and people out here,

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Speaker 1: and you gotta keep it off the internet because I

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Speaker 1: don't want people to know what type of car my

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Speaker 1: wife drive, because we're not trying to have those problems

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Speaker 1: because I do buzz guns too, Just letting y'all know

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Speaker 1: that trying to roll up on my baby. Chitty chitty

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Speaker 1: bang bang, all right, But that's not even the story.

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Speaker 1: The story is I'm driving a car coming back from

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Speaker 1: the studio, right and I see a d M. Right,

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Speaker 1: and I see the d M. It's from cadeem and

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Speaker 1: and the d M says, um, it was a guy.

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Speaker 1: There was a guy with the eyes open like this,

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Speaker 1: and he was looking down. And it says when she

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Speaker 1: puts it here in the ponytail and takes that sip

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Speaker 1: of water and then and the caption said, they got

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Speaker 1: nine thousand, and you said, well, in Mike, you put

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Speaker 1: it in my case? Is that sip of milk? And

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Speaker 1: I almost crashed because I realized in that moment that

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Speaker 1: my baby is them in back. That's a fact, because

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Speaker 1: it is three weeks postpartum and now she's sending me

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Speaker 1: almost four counting down, it's almost four weeks postpartum, and

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Speaker 1: that's when she gets back from her freaky diky ship

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Speaker 1: right after the baby comes out. That's when she started

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Speaker 1: looking at me differently. But I've seen that, and I

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Speaker 1: almost laughed so hard. At the same time speeding, I

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Speaker 1: was like a buck thirty. Don't be on your phone

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Speaker 1: while driving, bro, because you never know any given moment

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Speaker 1: where I'm gonna send you. But the thing is to

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Speaker 1: be honest. I do the minute I see blank go

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Speaker 1: up on my phone, I don't know if it's an

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Speaker 1: emergency or not, so I check it first then when

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Speaker 1: I see use the d M, I was like, what

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Speaker 1: is this? And then when I see that, I was like,

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Speaker 1: let me get my ass home? And made like seven

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Speaker 1: minutes after that, Well, ponytail, baby is exactly and my

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Speaker 1: here grew a little bit, you know, so I make

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Speaker 1: sure I pull it back so there's nothing in the way,

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Speaker 1: because there's nothing worse when you do what you gotta do,

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Speaker 1: and then you feel like the stringer here just messes

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Speaker 1: up the whole flow, y'all, It messes up the whole flow.

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Speaker 1: I'm ready to pull up on you. I'm ready to

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Speaker 1: do what to do? Maybe what you want to do?

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Speaker 1: Shoot you shot because I'm bulletproof. Loaded up do dude?

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Speaker 1: I don't even know if you're loaded. Do you have

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Speaker 1: to load anymore? Because you don't wrap much in there

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Speaker 1: what you're talking about? I stay loaded, baby. What you

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Speaker 1: want to do, I'm ready to pull up on you.

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Speaker 1: I'm ready to do what it? Oh? Hey, um, how

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Speaker 1: are going in? Lost? My whole train of thought? Lost,

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Speaker 1: my whole train of thoughts. Show me a wild side, boy,

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Speaker 1: because I know my wild side isn't route. She coming back, y'all.

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Speaker 1: But remember what Tikiya said, Tikia had a discussion with us.

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Speaker 1: Tikia had a discussion with us. So let's go back

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Speaker 1: to the story of time, right, because this is all

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Speaker 1: funny games that Takia had a discussion with us before

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Speaker 1: she left here because she know how we stay. It's

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Speaker 1: He was like, let's have the conversation about your vasectomy,

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Speaker 1: and she's like, Cusine, we're going to have the conversation

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Speaker 1: about when six weeks comes around, what are you going

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Speaker 1: to be doing to protect yourself from your husband? Protect

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Speaker 1: from you? What are you doing to protect yourself from

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Speaker 1: your husband after six weeks but prior to his vasectomy. So,

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Speaker 1: but let's not damp in the mood talking about balls,

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Speaker 1: balls snipping and whatnot. Um, we can dive into rekindling

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Speaker 1: intimacy after a baby, because I think that is probably

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Speaker 1: something a lot of people are looking forward to. The

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Speaker 1: number one thing. All of my homeboys who just had

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Speaker 1: babies that asking me, like, bro, when when is that

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Speaker 1: going to happen? When do things go back to normal? Right? Um?

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Speaker 1: And then is there really a state of normal after

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Speaker 1: we have a baby, Like how is intimacy affected? I

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Speaker 1: think it is also an issue or something to talk

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Speaker 1: about because women not feeling like themselves anymore, not looking

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Speaker 1: like themselves anymore, not recognizing their body. Does that affect

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Speaker 1: how intimacy works? The reason why your wild side is back?

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Speaker 1: Why it's my tricks. I'm gonna let you lean on

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Speaker 1: it since this is last, baby, alright, dive right in.

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Speaker 1: Only then we have to be tricks no more, because

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Speaker 1: you ain't gonna be pregnant coming back no more. So

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Speaker 1: I canna let you know what I did. Chill, baby,

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Speaker 1: Let's let's go to break. Let's come back from break.

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Speaker 1: I'm curious, something like, what's what's going on? I'm a

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Speaker 1: little my homies in on what I did to make

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Speaker 1: her want to pull up on me? Pull up on me?

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Speaker 1: Is it up? Is that why the beard is back up?

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Speaker 1: All right, let's go to break. Let's go to break it.

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Speaker 1: We'll come back. So we're back. I want to know.

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Speaker 1: Tell me, tell me the secret. What you've been doing.

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Speaker 1: You've been planting on me to stopping planting on me, y'all,

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Speaker 1: I've been planning. I've been planting since the moment you

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Speaker 1: said you was pregnant. I've been planting on you. You

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Speaker 1: were planting on me for the get back. I was

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Speaker 1: pregnant because it's a process thinking this is the this

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Speaker 1: is the problem, this is the problem. A lot of

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Speaker 1: gentlemen forked. They wait until the moment the six week

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Speaker 1: check up comes to start the process to get intimacy back.

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Speaker 1: You don't start then, you know when you start when first? Trust?

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Speaker 1: Really yes, because it's women are cerebral, right, women are

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Speaker 1: where everything is about how she feels, how she feels

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Speaker 1: about herself, how she feels about us, how she feels

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Speaker 1: about where we are. And what happens is you gotta

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Speaker 1: put deposits in early on. So you think there is

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Speaker 1: a reason why I've been getting the nine thousand throughout

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Speaker 1: the entire pregnancy. It ain't even had nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with you. You didn't even realize I was doing this

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Speaker 1: to you, and you were just doing it. Listen, you

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Speaker 1: could call me the pregnant baby mama whisper because I

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Speaker 1: know what I'm doing. Now, this is number four. I

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Speaker 1: know what I'm doing, Okay, Number one. Number one, you

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Speaker 1: have to make sure this woman feels safe. Okay, yes,

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Speaker 1: number one safe because safety allows you to do what

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Speaker 1: open up? Right? If you feel safe? And now what

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Speaker 1: I mean say, if I'm not just talking about protector

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Speaker 1: with armed guards to keep But no, I'm talking about

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Speaker 1: a safe space for her to express how she feels,

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Speaker 1: what she needs, what she wants. And I think, I say,

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Speaker 1: for the last two pregnancies, I've created a space for

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Speaker 1: you to that you have very comfortable. What I've learned

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Speaker 1: is that if you can express yourself, it opens up

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Speaker 1: a space for intimacy. Right right, So now she's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I can say how I feel if I doesn't get upset,

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Speaker 1: he understands where I'm coming from, because I truly do.

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Speaker 1: I want to hear where you're coming from, because the

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Speaker 1: only way I can continue to maneuver is if I

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Speaker 1: try to listen to what you're saying. You see what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying that the active listening for me absolutely such

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Speaker 1: a turn on. Absolutely, I ain't got a lot of

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Speaker 1: Ship's exhausting because when you pregnant should be changing from

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Speaker 1: day to day, our second and second so it's exhausting.

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Speaker 1: But if you want intimacy at that point when you

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Speaker 1: can go back to doing what you do, you have

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Speaker 1: to start from there. Yes, okay, okay, it's number one.

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Speaker 1: Right before we go to number two, I want you

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Speaker 1: to speak on how intimately how you felt intimacy was

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Speaker 1: during the pregnancy. You know, it's funny for me, it

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Speaker 1: happened in waves because every day was a different feeling,

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Speaker 1: or different obstacle or just different portions of the pregnancy.

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Speaker 1: So in the very beginning of course, being super sick,

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Speaker 1: you don't really want anything to do with anybody sleeping

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Speaker 1: all the time, you're almost being like you almost look

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Speaker 1: at your significant other like you're the reason why I'm

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Speaker 1: in this position right now, and you're walking around here

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Speaker 1: like completely normal. Nothing ever changes for you. You start

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Speaker 1: to have all sorts of issues of resentment um, but

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Speaker 1: then you quickly remember like you both wanted this, so

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Speaker 1: byre we complaining this is just part of the course, right,

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Speaker 1: And then you have the moments where you do want

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Speaker 1: to be affectionate and intimate. So for me, that's like

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Speaker 1: second trimester. We can go back to being a little

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Speaker 1: bit of ourselves because I'm past the sickness phase, but

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Speaker 1: I'm not quite big enough where I feel like I

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Speaker 1: don't I'm not attractive or I don't feel like I

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Speaker 1: want to do anything. You felt like you were not

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Speaker 1: attractive leads me to number two. Okay, got you and

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Speaker 1: then there's a third trimester where it's just like, get

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Speaker 1: this baby out of me. I'm big as a house, Like,

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Speaker 1: I don't. This is exit only. This is an exit

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Speaker 1: only area. Nothing should be entering at any point um,

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Speaker 1: at least in my lady parts. Right. So that was

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Speaker 1: my issue during the entire pregnancy. However, I will say

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Speaker 1: that you did always make me feel desired. Oh you

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Speaker 1: think that was by accident. This very contrived is a

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Speaker 1: very deliberate, deliberate idea of making sure that my woman

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Speaker 1: has what she needs to make it through trust me,

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Speaker 1: through this pregnancy. It was appreciated because it definitely helped,

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Speaker 1: at least for my psyche, for me emotionally to feel like, okay,

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Speaker 1: well all is not lost, right, and my husband still

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Speaker 1: desires me and only me. See. So what happens is

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Speaker 1: and people tend to make mistakes when they think like,

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Speaker 1: oh this exam So this sounds contrived, right, It's not contrived.

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Speaker 1: I want you to feel desired so that you can

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Speaker 1: continue to desire me. So I have to help you

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Speaker 1: feel desired. I can't sit back and hope that you

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Speaker 1: feel desired and active about being purposeful. And that's what people,

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Speaker 1: especially men, during pregnancy. Don't realize you have to be

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Speaker 1: even more purposeful during pregnancy than you were during the

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Speaker 1: dating process. You understand, So you know, I say a

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Speaker 1: woman is eating for two. Realistically, during this process, you're

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Speaker 1: being purposeful for two because not only do I have

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Speaker 1: to make you do it for yourself, but you're doing

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Speaker 1: it growing someone else. Right, So I'm also trying to

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Speaker 1: be purposeful for you and my unborn child because I

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Speaker 1: have to make sure both of you when you come out,

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Speaker 1: feel good. And the more the more appreciated, and the

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Speaker 1: better you feel while going through this process, the more

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Speaker 1: you can reciprocate it, the better the child will come out.

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Speaker 1: Think about how peaceful the code had. Oh my goodness,

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Speaker 1: he's probably definitely Yeah, I can see the connection there

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Speaker 1: you think about it. He came out super cool. He's

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Speaker 1: been such a chill baby. Very right. Yes, you're absolutely

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Speaker 1: right about that. So that's the second part talking about

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Speaker 1: helping you feel desired. How do I help you feel desired?

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Speaker 1: I remember we did a video in where you were

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Speaker 1: trying to get dressed up. I was yes, because I

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Speaker 1: felt like I wanted to do my part to make

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Speaker 1: you feel appreciated or make you feel like you weren't

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Speaker 1: forgotten because this was our anniversary around that time, and

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Speaker 1: I was about five months pregnant or six yeah about that,

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Speaker 1: about five months pregnant, and I was like, Okay, this

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Speaker 1: is our vacation, our anniversary. I don't want devoted to

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Speaker 1: feel as if I forgot something that he loves, which

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Speaker 1: is something you love. Is when I put on a

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Speaker 1: little something drop it likenside right, great. So I was

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Speaker 1: purposeful about making sure that I included along with my

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Speaker 1: bikinis and tan and oil, something that I think you

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Speaker 1: would like and for you, it was the effort that

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Speaker 1: I put in that you appreciate it, but also not

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Speaker 1: only appreciating the moment, but verbally letting you know that

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Speaker 1: I appreciate at the moment, right, That's important. A lot

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Speaker 1: of times we as couples don't in the moment let

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Speaker 1: our significant another other no verbally how much we appreciate small,

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Speaker 1: small things. You know what I'm saying. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's important for a pregnant woman who is trying, because

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Speaker 1: if you're and this is what I've noticed with people, right,

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Speaker 1: if you see someone trying and you don't give them

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Speaker 1: words of affirmation to keep trying, sometimes they fall off

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Speaker 1: and they don't do it. So for me, it was

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Speaker 1: to not only make you feel desirable, but to also

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Speaker 1: let you know that I know that I see you trying.

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Speaker 1: This way you can continue to try. That's how you

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Speaker 1: keep intimacy at a height. Just recognition, baby, I recognize it.

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Speaker 1: That don't take much, and it's an honest thing, because

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Speaker 1: what I didn't do during your pregnancy was a lied

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Speaker 1: to you, which will bring me to my next point.

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Speaker 1: But keep going talking about how you felt after, you know,

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Speaker 1: the third trimester, getting back and stuff like well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean well so that the third trimester, of course,

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Speaker 1: but still knowing that, okay, in that moment, I was

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Speaker 1: not able to, for example, have intercourse. That's something that

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Speaker 1: during the third trimester because I was also nervous about

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Speaker 1: having the baby early and there were a lot of factors.

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Speaker 1: So you didn't and scream about it. But I also

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Speaker 1: knew that you needed to be taken care of. So

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Speaker 1: there are other ways for me to take care of you,

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Speaker 1: you know, so that I prided myself on being the

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Speaker 1: best goal nine thousand ever, so that way you did

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Speaker 1: not feel a deficit, that you still felt desired, Thank

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Speaker 1: you appreciate it. I might have locked job by now,

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Speaker 1: but you know, hey, it comes to the territory um.

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Speaker 1: But that's something that I then desired to do because

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Speaker 1: you're right the reciprocity in it, and seeing that he

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Speaker 1: is doing this, therefore I should do that, and he's

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Speaker 1: acknowledging that I'm doing this, so it makes me want

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Speaker 1: to do more of that. I feel like that's something

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Speaker 1: we didn't even have pre pregnancy, because we had had

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Speaker 1: some moments in our relationship that we've spoken about where

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Speaker 1: you felt underappreciated, you didn't feel desired, or I felt like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I was doing the most that I could do,

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Speaker 1: but really, I honestly wasn't doing the most that I

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Speaker 1: could to make you feel desired. So it's almost funny

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Speaker 1: that in pregnancy it was so heightened for us that

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Speaker 1: I it was on the forefront of my mind to

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Speaker 1: make sure that you were taken care of because you

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Speaker 1: took care of me so much. And that brings me

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Speaker 1: to the next point, being honest. Yeah, you have to

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Speaker 1: be honest and not not honest to the point where

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Speaker 1: you're being an asshole. But when there were moments, even

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Speaker 1: small moments that weren't even big moments yet that I

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Speaker 1: felt like, hey, I feel like you're forgetting about me

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Speaker 1: and we're not even talking about sex or intercourse. Remember

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Speaker 1: when I used to be downstairs in the theater going

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Speaker 1: through my scripts and doing all this other stuff and

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Speaker 1: preparing the film, and I'd be like, hey, baby, you

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Speaker 1: know you haven't even come down and checked on me

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Speaker 1: in a couple of days. That heightens intimacy because it

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Speaker 1: lets you know that I'm looking for you and I'm

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Speaker 1: thinking about you, even when it has nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with sex. And that brought us a lot closer, because

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Speaker 1: then what did you start to do? Just come downstairs,

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Speaker 1: come downstairs here? Just come downstairs and come downstairs leads

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Speaker 1: to what leads to you hugging on me and me

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Speaker 1: hugging on you when you falling asleep, but you're feeling

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Speaker 1: like I'm there, and I'm feeling like you're there. And

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Speaker 1: even on days where there were no intercourse and there

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Speaker 1: was no God nine thousand, we just enjoyed each other's presence.

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Speaker 1: And when you can truthfully enjoy the person that you're

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Speaker 1: next to, intimacy remains high. Because I could just hold

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Speaker 1: your hand, I can just rub your legs. You know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You can lay on me and fall asleep,

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Speaker 1: and our heartbeats can be in rhythm, and we can

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Speaker 1: fall asleep together and wake up and feel good because

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Speaker 1: we're spending time together. These are like deliberate things that

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Speaker 1: men can do while dealing with a pregnant woman. That

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Speaker 1: sometimes can be difficult, and I'm gonna explain why it

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Speaker 1: can be difficult. There were times where you didn't want

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Speaker 1: to leave the room just because I was tired, or

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Speaker 1: that was my comfort space was my bedroom, our bedroom.

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Speaker 1: Your your comfort space was our bedroom, But that's not

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Speaker 1: my comfort space to get work done because if I

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Speaker 1: go in there, I'm going to fall asleep. So there

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Speaker 1: were times where we spent hours on different ends of

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Speaker 1: the house and I had to learn this is a

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Speaker 1: big thing for me, that there was a time in

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Speaker 1: the space for you to just be by yourself. You

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Yes, I want intimacy all the

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Speaker 1: time because my love language is physical touch. But I

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Speaker 1: also had to realize that a pregnant and sometimes just

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Speaker 1: wants to be left alone. And I realized too, the

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Speaker 1: times where I left you alone, even in the house,

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Speaker 1: you missed me. I would be downstairs and I would

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Speaker 1: get a text and hey, where are you? Oh? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: at FaceTime you're like, what are you doing? See, you're

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Speaker 1: in the theater. And that's important. Giving you time to

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Speaker 1: miss me. It's very, very important even when you're not pregnant,

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Speaker 1: but more important when you are pregnant, because then that

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00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,159
Speaker 1: gives you time to reminisce on the good times. And

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Speaker 1: then that also brings intimacy to a heightened level because

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Speaker 1: when you miss people, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Right,

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00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:42,880
Speaker 1: even in the same house. Yea, even in the same house,

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Speaker 1: because you're right, de Val is very much into physical

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Speaker 1: touch and he wants me to be near him, which

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Speaker 1: I appreciate. After twenty years, my husband still wants me

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Speaker 1: to be around him and to be near And that's

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Speaker 1: something that I sometimes say, for granted, because I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm okay being in the room by myself

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Speaker 1: in this moment. Or he's all right down stare studying.

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Speaker 1: If you're studying, let me let him concentrate. And recently

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Speaker 1: you said to me, like, yo, I just like I

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00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:07,879
Speaker 1: just want you to check on me, just check for me. Um.

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Speaker 1: He's like the only one that checks for him, and

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00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,720
Speaker 1: that was his cairo. He's the only one in this

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Speaker 1: house that ever checks. Well. I want to say check.

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Speaker 1: Other people check on me when they want something like

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00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,159
Speaker 1: like with Jackson's daddy, are're taking me to practice? Or

356
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,639
Speaker 1: my mom is like devour, you're gonna assemble whatever in

357
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,600
Speaker 1: the box, or your father wants to go to home

358
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,680
Speaker 1: deep right, kats want me to put together a toy

359
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,480
Speaker 1: right right right? Or you want me to buy something now,

360
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,960
Speaker 1: I don't ask you to buy the more, I just

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Speaker 1: go buy it, so I don't be coming to you

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Speaker 1: for that. Feel like I'm just putting you on notice

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00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:42,960
Speaker 1: that I purchased something. But um, but yeah, after twenty years,

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00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,040
Speaker 1: I have to appreciate and love the fact that you

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Speaker 1: still be checking for me and you want me to

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Speaker 1: check for you. So I learned that as well to

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Speaker 1: in pregnancy, it's almost like we were put under like

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Speaker 1: a Like they say pregnancy puts the body under a

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Speaker 1: mini stress test, I feel like it puts the relationship

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Speaker 1: under a mini stress test and a sense so you

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Speaker 1: can see where the red flags are, or see the

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Speaker 1: potential for things to go wrong in the future, or

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Speaker 1: see the room for improvement or see the room for

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Speaker 1: effort um And I think that's actually pretty dope because

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Speaker 1: it worked for us in the circumstance. It definitely works.

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Speaker 1: And I think that it's important for meant to know

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Speaker 1: that it is your responsibility to control intimacy during pregnancy,

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Speaker 1: because there's things in your child's mother's body that she

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00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:32,080
Speaker 1: can't control, like hormones and things of that nature. So

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Speaker 1: putting the onus on her to let you know when

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Speaker 1: she wants to be intimate is to me as a

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Speaker 1: cop out. You know what I'm saying. I think it's

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00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:41,040
Speaker 1: your job. You don't have anything else to do during

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00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,240
Speaker 1: the pregnancy other than work and do everything, you know,

385
00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:46,040
Speaker 1: do everything outside of her body. But there's things she

386
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:49,120
Speaker 1: can't control, and if being with her and having parts

387
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,359
Speaker 1: of her body is something that you want, you have

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00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:54,600
Speaker 1: to control that aspect. So for me, a big thing

389
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,760
Speaker 1: I did was make sure that you not only felt

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00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,600
Speaker 1: good during the entire pregnancy, but I ate on you

391
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,840
Speaker 1: about looking good for you know what I'm saying. We

392
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,320
Speaker 1: talked about working out and all that stuff, and that's

393
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,080
Speaker 1: how stuff. We talked about that in a lot of podcasts.

394
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,800
Speaker 1: But I'm talking about making sure you continue to get

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00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,359
Speaker 1: dressed up and go out, because I think a lot

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00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,480
Speaker 1: of pregnant women fall into a rut where they don't

397
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Speaker 1: feel comfortable in closed because the clothes don't fit, so

398
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,919
Speaker 1: they just stay inside. And then once they stay inside,

399
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,600
Speaker 1: they don't put on makeup, and if they don't put

400
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,080
Speaker 1: on makeup, they don't get their hair done, and then

401
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:27,960
Speaker 1: they start to look at themselves in the mirror and

402
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,399
Speaker 1: they feel down. It's hard for someone to get intimate

403
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,399
Speaker 1: if they don't feel they look good. So what I

404
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,480
Speaker 1: used to do, and I never told you this, I

405
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,520
Speaker 1: would I would say to myself, at some point during

406
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:40,560
Speaker 1: the week, I'm going to find a reason for us

407
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,560
Speaker 1: to go somewhere. You know what I'm saying. We're just

408
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,639
Speaker 1: we're just gonna go somewhere. And remember we used to

409
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,320
Speaker 1: we used to go think about when we went to

410
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,240
Speaker 1: I don't want to sound our neighbor stuff like that,

411
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,119
Speaker 1: but we went to their birthday party, went to this

412
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,080
Speaker 1: person's event, we went to that person event. And used

413
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:56,520
Speaker 1: to be like, Babe, I don't feel like and I'm like, no,

414
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:01,359
Speaker 1: get dressed up, we're gonna go shopping close Because it's

415
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,880
Speaker 1: important for you to know that you you're always gonna

416
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:07,960
Speaker 1: look good, even through pregnancy. You know, your pregnancy doesn't

417
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,639
Speaker 1: stop you from looking good. Do you make up? Do

418
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,600
Speaker 1: you here? Put these clothes? Are we going out? And

419
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 1: what I noticed in doing that is when you saw

420
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:21,520
Speaker 1: yourself looking good, you then wanted to be intimate me

421
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,399
Speaker 1: because you saw yourself looking good. That's true. A lot

422
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,760
Speaker 1: of it is a lot of having to how we

423
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,359
Speaker 1: scrutinize ourselves. So a lot of it has nothing to

424
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,760
Speaker 1: do with your spouse, so you know what I mean,

425
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,639
Speaker 1: It's way more about how we feel about ourselves and

426
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,359
Speaker 1: how we feel like we're presenting to you. Thank you,

427
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,480
Speaker 1: because because a lot of women deal with the fact

428
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:41,760
Speaker 1: that I don't even look good. I don't even know

429
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:43,880
Speaker 1: if he's gonna want to, you know what I'm saying,

430
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,600
Speaker 1: Which even after after having the baby, a lot of

431
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,760
Speaker 1: women to are self conscious about how they look. You know,

432
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,840
Speaker 1: your breasts are stagging, they're leaking, um, the skins a

433
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,040
Speaker 1: little loose in the midsection, your booty is a little

434
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:56,879
Speaker 1: roopy because you haven't been doing squads, which is my

435
00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,520
Speaker 1: case right now. But there's so many things that you

436
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,159
Speaker 1: tend to just pick apart because then and then it

437
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,960
Speaker 1: makes the intimacy experience that much less yourself conscious for it,

438
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:10,080
Speaker 1: for you and for your spouse, for your significant Whose

439
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 1: job should it be to make sure that a woman

440
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,920
Speaker 1: looks good and feels good about herself? Right now? Of

441
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:20,400
Speaker 1: course your significant other should be a blifting because I'm

442
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,840
Speaker 1: the one that wants that. I want that part of you.

443
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,520
Speaker 1: So I think it's just an imperative that I be

444
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,920
Speaker 1: purposeful about making sure that when you wake up in

445
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,159
Speaker 1: the morning that you like one bad bitch. You know

446
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:37,120
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, right, like think regardless of what phase

447
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,640
Speaker 1: I'm in. So check this out. And you probably don't

448
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,000
Speaker 1: even notice this, and you get up to go to

449
00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:46,520
Speaker 1: the bathroom, what do you hear from me? Baby? Okay,

450
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 1: I do, okay, because I'll be concerned, But don't I

451
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,680
Speaker 1: cat call you? Even when I was battling out the

452
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,840
Speaker 1: bed and the baby was on my bladder, Yes you do?

453
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,280
Speaker 1: Or it was cute because in a way who it

454
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,199
Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily intimacy moment, but devout towards the very end

455
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,440
Speaker 1: would feel me trying to get out of the bed,

456
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:08,199
Speaker 1: and every single stime you're such a light sleeper two

457
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,399
Speaker 1: and I would get up to p about fifty eleven

458
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:14,080
Speaker 1: times a night, and every single time, Devot would literally

459
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,800
Speaker 1: just like reach over and just push me out the bed.

460
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 1: And that's the best illustration I could give y'all is

461
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,119
Speaker 1: a turtle on their back, like on the shell, and

462
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,960
Speaker 1: they're like, ah, I can't, like I can't move, and

463
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,879
Speaker 1: the Devot would just reach over with one hand and

464
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:33,159
Speaker 1: just flip me out of the bed and then proceeds

465
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,040
Speaker 1: to cat call me as I waddle to the bathroom.

466
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,760
Speaker 1: So that is cute. Now, I'm starting to think a

467
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,600
Speaker 1: little little little isms that you had throughout my pregnancy

468
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,000
Speaker 1: that I maybe didn't pick up on at the time,

469
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,399
Speaker 1: but I was purposeful and deliberate. I love that you

470
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,200
Speaker 1: did that, though, because I think that was one of

471
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,320
Speaker 1: the biggest differences with this pregnancy the other ones, and

472
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:55,480
Speaker 1: you were you were like we we didn't have this.

473
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 1: I think maybe the first pregnancy, we didn't have any

474
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:04,639
Speaker 1: like sex deprivation moments, right, I can tell because that

475
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:09,240
Speaker 1: wasn't a fairly good mood aside from being like tired

476
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,240
Speaker 1: in his I mean, just because your schedule is crazy

477
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,840
Speaker 1: and stuff, but you were in a pretty decent mood

478
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:17,480
Speaker 1: this pregnancy. Check yourself out in the mirror all the time.

479
00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:19,840
Speaker 1: At any moment I noticed that you would kind of

480
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,159
Speaker 1: look at yourself like I tried to make sure that

481
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,440
Speaker 1: you focused on something positive so you could leave that

482
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,440
Speaker 1: moment and be like, you're good, And then making sure

483
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:31,200
Speaker 1: that at least every week or every other week that

484
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 1: we went to when you got dressed up. Those nights

485
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 1: when you got dressed up and was feeling yourself, you

486
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,040
Speaker 1: definitely took care of me because you was feeling yourself.

487
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,600
Speaker 1: And when you were feeling yourself, that's when you were

488
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:42,359
Speaker 1: just like, I'm gonna go. Yeah, it was me feeling me,

489
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 1: but you're feeling me too, and you see what I'm saying.

490
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,959
Speaker 1: But think about the opposite that that has happened. Right,

491
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,840
Speaker 1: There's been times in our marriage and during pregnancy where

492
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,760
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to deal with those moments. I

493
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 1: didn't know what to say or what to do. And

494
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,320
Speaker 1: when you used to send fee going nowhere, I'd be like,

495
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:04,159
Speaker 1: all right, you're not going nowhere because you're telling me

496
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 1: you don't you don't want to go. So I started

497
00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:10,440
Speaker 1: to realize and I wur marriage that you can't just

498
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:13,359
Speaker 1: always just listen to what your spouse is saying, you

499
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,359
Speaker 1: have to know what they need. So it's like, what

500
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,480
Speaker 1: she's saying, I know what she needs, so I'm going

501
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:21,920
Speaker 1: to ignore everything she's saying and just give her what

502
00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:24,760
Speaker 1: she needs to make herself feel better life. For my

503
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:28,040
Speaker 1: birthday this year, yes, so that I was like, we're

504
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,680
Speaker 1: doing something for your birthday. I'm like, no, we're not.

505
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,800
Speaker 1: I want nothing more than for my birthday to be

506
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,920
Speaker 1: in bed with you and the boys all weekend. I

507
00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:40,480
Speaker 1: was like, no, nope, nope, nope, go get something to

508
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:45,359
Speaker 1: where we're going out. You went, you went shopping, and

509
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,399
Speaker 1: then then I'm getting all these texts and videos of

510
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 1: you and all of these sexy outfits and shoes, and

511
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:53,560
Speaker 1: you're feeling yourself. That's how you increase intimacy because I know,

512
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:57,200
Speaker 1: once you saw yourself like that, then you realize, like, yeah,

513
00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:01,199
Speaker 1: that's to me that I remember. You know, as opposed

514
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:04,760
Speaker 1: to sitting Could you imagine waking up on your birthday

515
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,960
Speaker 1: and no one's done anything for you because you told

516
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,000
Speaker 1: people that you don't want nothing done from you. You

517
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,720
Speaker 1: feel like ship. You feel like ship. And the biggest

518
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,800
Speaker 1: thing about intimacy is knowing your partner and not just

519
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:19,359
Speaker 1: knowing your partners sexually but actually knowing your partner. I

520
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,920
Speaker 1: know you love birthdays, and in the in the moment

521
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,359
Speaker 1: when you when I asked you about having something, you

522
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:28,560
Speaker 1: might legitimately have felt like you didn't want to do

523
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:31,760
Speaker 1: anything for your birthday. But then your birthday came, and

524
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,320
Speaker 1: I knew that if you woke up and you ain't

525
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:36,720
Speaker 1: have nothing planning for your birthday or nothing happened, you

526
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,119
Speaker 1: would be pissed, and then intimacy would be here sure,

527
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 1: and then I'd be like, hey, you know, been a

528
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:48,080
Speaker 1: couple of days and you know that. Man, my birthday

529
00:27:48,119 --> 00:27:50,680
Speaker 1: came and they did my birthday. Now niggers want me

530
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,000
Speaker 1: to do the God, that's what you would have said.

531
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:55,640
Speaker 1: And it would have been like you, well, do nothing

532
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,880
Speaker 1: for your birthday. And you'd have been like that because

533
00:27:57,880 --> 00:27:59,440
Speaker 1: I said that, don't mean that That's what I want

534
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:08,800
Speaker 1: to shade. Shade, all right. I'm just trying to I'm

535
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,000
Speaker 1: just trying to let dudes know, like, this is this

536
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 1: is how you do it. Like you pay attention. You'll

537
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 1: be deliberate, you'd be purposeful, and you be smart. You

538
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,919
Speaker 1: gotta be two steps ahead of them. Because as much

539
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:24,119
Speaker 1: as they say men are shallow. Men are simple. No,

540
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:29,399
Speaker 1: women are too. That don't require much. You want to

541
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,240
Speaker 1: be taken care of, you want to be safe, you

542
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:32,760
Speaker 1: want to be admired. You want to be adored, you

543
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:37,920
Speaker 1: want to be appreciated, you wanna be loved. You want

544
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:39,640
Speaker 1: to consistent. I think the same people said for men

545
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:45,080
Speaker 1: to that's what you want, right. That goes without saying,

546
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:47,920
Speaker 1: but what I'm saying, it's like the problem is people

547
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,880
Speaker 1: don't do it consistently enough to reap the benefits of

548
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 1: it existing. Exactly. Somebody will do it for a week

549
00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:59,600
Speaker 1: expecting something in return, not realize if you do it

550
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:02,240
Speaker 1: instantly over time, you don't have to worry about getting

551
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:04,800
Speaker 1: things in return, because if you do it over time,

552
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:08,920
Speaker 1: that person will reciprocate it amount if you choose the

553
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:11,080
Speaker 1: right person. That's a fact. If you choose someone that's

554
00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:13,520
Speaker 1: just a taker, they're gonna take that wrong with it.

555
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,040
Speaker 1: That's not what we're dealing with. That's why you and

556
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:18,080
Speaker 1: I always talk about being of service to each other,

557
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:22,720
Speaker 1: and I feel like with rekindling intimacy, there shouldn't be

558
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 1: anything to rekindle if you continue to be intimate through

559
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:30,640
Speaker 1: the entire pregnancy. The twist the plot twist. We shouldn't

560
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:36,080
Speaker 1: be rekindling intimacy, we should be continuing intimacy. You better

561
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:39,080
Speaker 1: change the title of the show triple Did you hear that?

562
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,400
Speaker 1: Change the title of the show. So tips for reconnecting

563
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:45,200
Speaker 1: after having a baby. We're trying to stay connected. I

564
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:50,120
Speaker 1: think we gave the stay connected. That's that's a fact

565
00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:56,760
Speaker 1: for mad heroes all over the places, everywhere, Rose Rose.

566
00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,240
Speaker 1: But if you were, by chance one of those goals

567
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:02,560
Speaker 1: that needed to reconnect after a babe, here's a couple

568
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:06,080
Speaker 1: tips that we have here lined up. Um, don't become complacent.

569
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,520
Speaker 1: Work on it every day. You just talked about being consistent.

570
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:14,320
Speaker 1: Who made this list? You made? Unless you treat your relationship,

571
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:17,680
Speaker 1: your marriage like it's a living thing which requires nurturing

572
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:21,480
Speaker 1: on a regular basis, you won't have a marriage after

573
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 1: the kids leave. After the kids leave, you should write

574
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,000
Speaker 1: a book because that's what this Marriage and family therapist

575
00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:32,320
Speaker 1: Michelle Weir Davis said, Um, number two, slow down and

576
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:35,080
Speaker 1: start over. The truth is things have changed. It's important

577
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:40,080
Speaker 1: to remember intimacy isn't just hot sex, it's steadfast loyalty

578
00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:44,600
Speaker 1: said It a commitment to getting through stressful times together

579
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:48,200
Speaker 1: and most importantly, joy enjoying the warm, cozy moments of

580
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:52,160
Speaker 1: home together, i e. Hanging with the valid with theater.

581
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:55,640
Speaker 1: Are you a marriage and family therapist, Loki, No, I'm not.

582
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:58,480
Speaker 1: I've just been married along after time, and I've done

583
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 1: it wrong along ast time. The best Petrie dish for you, right,

584
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:10,480
Speaker 1: You're welcome, You're welcome, You're welcome, my favorite dishes. Looking

585
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:13,720
Speaker 1: very kind of dried apricot right now. But I'm gonna

586
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:17,000
Speaker 1: get back. I'm gonna get back to plump peach status.

587
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 1: Okay again, give me grace, your peach always look good.

588
00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:24,760
Speaker 1: Number four, Create intentional space in your mind and in

589
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:26,920
Speaker 1: your bedroom. To create a space in your mind where

590
00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:32,640
Speaker 1: your identity is as essensual, erotic being right at the forefront,

591
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:35,160
Speaker 1: and if it's possible to do so, create a physical

592
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:37,400
Speaker 1: space that's just for you and your partner as well,

593
00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:40,560
Speaker 1: which I think we have our bedroom, we have the theater,

594
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,400
Speaker 1: which I think is where Dakota was made. But the

595
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:45,720
Speaker 1: thing is, I think that that may work for some people,

596
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:48,920
Speaker 1: not everybody, because you and I like the spontaneity we have.

597
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:51,560
Speaker 1: We have a lot of our best sexual experiences when

598
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,280
Speaker 1: we're on vacation because it's different, it's new. You know,

599
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:58,680
Speaker 1: the excitement of doing something physical together often leads us

600
00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:01,280
Speaker 1: to great self. So absolutely, fin me out, baby, find

601
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,560
Speaker 1: me out after the new year, fly me out. Yeah,

602
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:08,200
Speaker 1: I got you. I'm gonna go leave and travel this way.

603
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:10,719
Speaker 1: I can flyer out there so we can go crazy.

604
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:14,120
Speaker 1: But I think, I think that creating a space in

605
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:17,680
Speaker 1: the home can get monotonous and repetitive, you know what

606
00:32:17,760 --> 00:32:19,880
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like, that's that's just for me. So some

607
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,560
Speaker 1: things work for some people, some things don't. However, we

608
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:24,680
Speaker 1: did say that, and within our home, we have our

609
00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,400
Speaker 1: spaces where we're comfortable. So if I invite you into

610
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 1: my comfortable space for a little community, and then you

611
00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:32,960
Speaker 1: invite me into your comfortable space, adling, you know what

612
00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:36,520
Speaker 1: time it is exactly there you go, um oh wait,

613
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:40,040
Speaker 1: number five, don't bank on spontaneity. So, according to them,

614
00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,880
Speaker 1: they're saying not to bank on spontaneity. Think about this.

615
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,240
Speaker 1: Does it hurt more to carve out time for intimacy

616
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 1: or to not have time for it? I guess it

617
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:50,400
Speaker 1: depends on the person's schedule. Some people have to be

618
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:52,240
Speaker 1: mindful of it, which is how I felt like I

619
00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:55,240
Speaker 1: used to interact with you sometimes and at some point

620
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,200
Speaker 1: in our marriage where I would have to kind of

621
00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:59,000
Speaker 1: carve out in my mind like, oh, shoot, has been

622
00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:01,160
Speaker 1: two days. I can and let this day pass without

623
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,720
Speaker 1: making sure we gets done at some point today almost

624
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,360
Speaker 1: putting it on my mental calendar, and it did. It

625
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:08,480
Speaker 1: didn't necessarily work for me because then became a job. Um.

626
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:13,080
Speaker 1: So we've realized that spontaneity does work better for us. Um.

627
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:15,440
Speaker 1: But we just have to be mindful of being connected,

628
00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:18,120
Speaker 1: because if we're connected, then it won't feel like the

629
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 1: spontaneity is very sporadic. We don't want sporadic sponsanity either.

630
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:27,200
Speaker 1: We want consistent spontaneity all right. And lastly, practicing gratitude.

631
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:30,800
Speaker 1: A little appreciation goes a long way. Remember that even

632
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:32,600
Speaker 1: when things are hard, to let your partner know that

633
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:36,040
Speaker 1: you see and you appreciate them, and that all things

634
00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:41,800
Speaker 1: work to maintain a healthy family. So yeah, Sobs always

635
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:44,560
Speaker 1: let me know how appreciative he is of me and

636
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:48,480
Speaker 1: and everything he does or everything I do. And then

637
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,320
Speaker 1: I feel the same about you in terms of everything

638
00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:52,760
Speaker 1: you do to create this space, especially now where we

639
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,080
Speaker 1: are in our life, um. And not taking for granted

640
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:58,280
Speaker 1: the struggles and the process that we went through to

641
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,480
Speaker 1: get here. I think that's what makes it much better

642
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:04,720
Speaker 1: for us now to experience. So absolutely practicing gratitude is

643
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 1: a big one. I got one thing I want to

644
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:09,919
Speaker 1: say before we go to break right. I was talking

645
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:12,799
Speaker 1: to one of my single buddies. I'm not going out

646
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:17,320
Speaker 1: him because we have our private conversations, but he was

647
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:20,680
Speaker 1: talking to me about how much he goes through being

648
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:25,600
Speaker 1: single to try to have sex consistently juggling, juggling women,

649
00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:28,080
Speaker 1: trying to trying to catch and hold on the women,

650
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:29,440
Speaker 1: trying to catch them at the right time so we

651
00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:31,000
Speaker 1: can get this one and get that one. And he's

652
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,359
Speaker 1: talking about, Bro, it's a lot a lot of work, right,

653
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,040
Speaker 1: But then he mentioned something to me and just like, man,

654
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:37,560
Speaker 1: when you get married, like you shouldn't have to work

655
00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:41,719
Speaker 1: that hard to have sex. And I said, bro, let's

656
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,400
Speaker 1: let's let's think about this one minute. Think about all

657
00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:48,399
Speaker 1: the work you put in to have sex single. Why

658
00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:52,400
Speaker 1: would you why would you not want to put in

659
00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:56,759
Speaker 1: work to have sex when you're married. Why is it

660
00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:00,439
Speaker 1: automatically assumed that just because you're married, I don't gotta

661
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,680
Speaker 1: put in no work to have sex it's just automatic.

662
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:07,840
Speaker 1: When you single, you're willing to spend money, spend time,

663
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:12,560
Speaker 1: chase chicks, play phone games, all of these things. It's

664
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:15,799
Speaker 1: like that doesn't change when you get married. The only

665
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:18,760
Speaker 1: thing that changes is that you're putting the same amount

666
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:23,960
Speaker 1: of energy into one person. That's pretty much guaranteeing results

667
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 1: because you know if you put this work into this person,

668
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:30,000
Speaker 1: it's going to be reciprocate. Because that I said, how

669
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:31,680
Speaker 1: many times if you put an energy into a chick

670
00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:33,600
Speaker 1: and not got what you wanted out of it? It

671
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:35,720
Speaker 1: happens a lot. That's why I'll be balancing and bouncing

672
00:35:35,719 --> 00:35:37,320
Speaker 1: from chick to chicken. I was like, think about it.

673
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:40,920
Speaker 1: And I asked my separ that don't get tired, and

674
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:42,560
Speaker 1: he was just like, yeah, do get tired. But he said,

675
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:43,719
Speaker 1: I don't wanta have to do that with my wife.

676
00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:45,080
Speaker 1: I just want to be able to get it when

677
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:47,560
Speaker 1: I get it. And I said, that's the problem. Women

678
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,440
Speaker 1: get used to you playing all these games to get

679
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,840
Speaker 1: it when you single, and then when you get married

680
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:53,919
Speaker 1: you're not you're not trying to play those same games,

681
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:55,680
Speaker 1: or you're not trying to put that energy and attention

682
00:35:55,719 --> 00:35:58,040
Speaker 1: into it. Chick gets corneum or not in this for

683
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,799
Speaker 1: them too. So my thing is I love the chase.

684
00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:04,719
Speaker 1: I loved I've always loved the chase. So my thing

685
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:07,359
Speaker 1: is I look at my wife as the chase. Right.

686
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:09,239
Speaker 1: Let me see what games and things I can do

687
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:12,360
Speaker 1: now to keep her on top of her game sexually.

688
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,640
Speaker 1: And you're like a Rubics cube when the minute you

689
00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:17,759
Speaker 1: think you've got to figure it out and you turn

690
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,239
Speaker 1: that that box and all ship there's another different colors

691
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,879
Speaker 1: or something changed. Because women are constantly evolving the same way,

692
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,879
Speaker 1: but all people are constantly evolving, So you can't get

693
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:29,239
Speaker 1: into a routine and expected to always be the same

694
00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:31,200
Speaker 1: like this. You should be always trying to figure about

695
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:35,640
Speaker 1: your wife when it comes and whatnot to keep it spicy.

696
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,319
Speaker 1: That I'm a whole lass Ruber cube, That's what I am.

697
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 1: That you are complicated as simple, But you know what

698
00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:44,440
Speaker 1: you are a fucking genius. You know the val can

699
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:49,160
Speaker 1: solid Rubi's cube, y'all can't you can't. Yeah, we'll do

700
00:36:49,239 --> 00:36:50,719
Speaker 1: it for you all one day. Not to put the

701
00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:52,359
Speaker 1: pressure on you. I have not done it in a while.

702
00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 1: That's all right, though your mind is still sharp. Hope,

703
00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:59,759
Speaker 1: if not twist me around me out of shape. You see,

704
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:03,200
Speaker 1: it was saying, God, she ready almost, I'm ready. Start first,

705
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:08,640
Speaker 1: let's start leaking again. Huh, you gotta take a break again.

706
00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:11,200
Speaker 1: We gotta take a break. I gotta change my breast pads.

707
00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:13,520
Speaker 1: All right, we're gonna take a break, so okay, can

708
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 1: change him breast bad. I should find a baby. Where's Dakota?

709
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:23,480
Speaker 1: Come on, bro, I know he's looking for him. A

710
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,560
Speaker 1: little bit. We'll be back after we pay some bills.

711
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:44,440
Speaker 1: All right, we're back, We're back. Um, Yeah, let's do it.

712
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:47,440
Speaker 1: Let's dive into these listener letters for this week. UM.

713
00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:49,920
Speaker 1: Shout out to y'all for constantly writing into us. We

714
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,160
Speaker 1: love it. Um. Triple gets a kick out of reading

715
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:56,239
Speaker 1: your stories and picking them. So hey, guys, love y'all,

716
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:59,160
Speaker 1: we love you back. Me and my fiancee just had

717
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:01,959
Speaker 1: a baby in May. He will be seven months next month.

718
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:05,719
Speaker 1: How am I? Yes, congrats to that? Um? How am

719
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:07,960
Speaker 1: I able to get my sexy bag? If my spouse

720
00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:11,880
Speaker 1: is hygiene is not up to standards anymore and he

721
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,640
Speaker 1: wants head, et cetera. But it's not properly clean and

722
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,319
Speaker 1: smells like sweat, How do I have this conversation how

723
00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:20,919
Speaker 1: dare you, bro? Like, come on, man, that's the least

724
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:26,400
Speaker 1: you can do, is man, escape, wash up, get rid

725
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:29,960
Speaker 1: of the potential schmegma that might be existing in that space.

726
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 1: Like the truth, Come on, the truth. We we as

727
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:41,799
Speaker 1: men gotta ourselves accountable, right, We're gonna hold ourselves accountable, right,

728
00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:44,759
Speaker 1: all right? You a lot of men. I want to

729
00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:48,680
Speaker 1: check that got a small waist, bad ass here on

730
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,920
Speaker 1: point lashes and ship. Nigga's gotta take care of himself, bro,

731
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:54,880
Speaker 1: We and our and our group, and I would like

732
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:59,480
Speaker 1: men's group, we be clowning our boys. We'll be getting

733
00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:02,080
Speaker 1: out of shape and not taking care of themselves because

734
00:39:02,239 --> 00:39:05,799
Speaker 1: it's irresponsible, and it's unfair for you to expect your

735
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:08,560
Speaker 1: wife or your girl to continue to look at you

736
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:10,160
Speaker 1: like you did when y'all we was together, when you

737
00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:13,239
Speaker 1: was in your prime chasing hose. But now you got

738
00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:18,480
Speaker 1: a girl and you're looking like saying them. Even Mrs

739
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:21,600
Speaker 1: Claus was like, yo, st go watch your balls. Don't

740
00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 1: don't go out and be delivering gifts all night and

741
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:27,560
Speaker 1: then you won't come back on the trying to get

742
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:32,360
Speaker 1: It's cold outside, but you're still sweaty, like Miss Claus

743
00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:36,440
Speaker 1: was like, yo, go watch you as but no, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, bro,

744
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:39,640
Speaker 1: we have to do a better job as well of

745
00:39:39,719 --> 00:39:42,160
Speaker 1: taking care of ourselves to make sure that we're constantly

746
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:46,880
Speaker 1: desirable to our partner. And there's nothing more undesirable than

747
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:49,839
Speaker 1: like sweaty balls or you woudn't even kind of try

748
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 1: to play yourself the other day. Was just like, He's like,

749
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:54,799
Speaker 1: I didn't really sweat. I was like, bro, you got

750
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:57,239
Speaker 1: on under armour, like under armour in itself got you

751
00:39:57,400 --> 00:39:59,879
Speaker 1: joint all tucked up in there for an extended period

752
00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:02,120
Speaker 1: of time. So listen, let me tell you what. You

753
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 1: didn't smell bad. But I was like, you could have

754
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:06,200
Speaker 1: used a quick little like one two in the shower,

755
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 1: She asked. She asked, how to I start this conversation.

756
00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:12,400
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you the conversation. So I was supposed

757
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,840
Speaker 1: to be working out, right, I'm going Outstaios to workout,

758
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:16,560
Speaker 1: and while I'm gonna work out, the kids come and

759
00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:18,000
Speaker 1: talk to me. So they want to do this, they

760
00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:19,279
Speaker 1: do that, blah blah blah. I say, you know what,

761
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:21,720
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do. No car I'm just gonna lift weights.

762
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:25,200
Speaker 1: I'm not a sweater. So while I'm lifting weights, I

763
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:28,279
Speaker 1: get done, I come upstairs, eat some dinner, and me

764
00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:30,800
Speaker 1: and Kate talking. We watching some videos and she just

765
00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:33,640
Speaker 1: like baby something me trying to, you know, knock you off. Friend.

766
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,759
Speaker 1: I'm like bet so, I'm just like, let's go. She like,

767
00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:42,439
Speaker 1: you usually got work out of clothes on. Ye like yeah,

768
00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:45,360
Speaker 1: but I ain't sweat. So then she was just like,

769
00:40:46,719 --> 00:40:49,600
Speaker 1: play yourself, son, go get the show and come out.

770
00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:52,759
Speaker 1: So I was like, like that, you're making seem like

771
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:55,400
Speaker 1: making seem like I was playing full go up basketball right.

772
00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:57,480
Speaker 1: So then I'm like, fucking I want this. So I'm

773
00:40:57,640 --> 00:40:59,719
Speaker 1: I ran, I get the shower. She come up behind

774
00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:01,520
Speaker 1: me and she looked at me right then she just

775
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,120
Speaker 1: put her hand out right and she like jugging my balls,

776
00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:07,640
Speaker 1: and she's just like, you're not bad, but I got

777
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 1: to be down there with my You could use a

778
00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:12,800
Speaker 1: little one to a little one too. If that's your husband,

779
00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:19,200
Speaker 1: bro had the conversation with him, Yeah, like YO, tell

780
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,920
Speaker 1: him like that. You're supposed to be best friend's life partners.

781
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,600
Speaker 1: If you can't be honest, If you cannot be honest

782
00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:27,200
Speaker 1: with the dude that you're about to put his genitors

783
00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:30,360
Speaker 1: in your mouth. Then now you're really that close. You

784
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:32,160
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. You know how many times I

785
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:34,439
Speaker 1: don't jam my freaking aren't pit under this? Nick knows

786
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:37,279
Speaker 1: to be like, hey, if you say yeah all the time,

787
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:40,279
Speaker 1: just in case, because you just never know. And she

788
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:43,759
Speaker 1: like we checked when it comes to hygiene and just

789
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:46,920
Speaker 1: being healthy. We check each other. When Kaudine used to

790
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:48,400
Speaker 1: feel like, I don't know, something may be going on

791
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:50,600
Speaker 1: on they can you check down there? All right? Boom,

792
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,200
Speaker 1: what's up? Let's sen you need something? I don't know,

793
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:57,759
Speaker 1: you might need to go and see the doctor, goes,

794
00:41:57,760 --> 00:41:59,719
Speaker 1: I don't know. You know what I'm saying, That's just

795
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:01,400
Speaker 1: what it down here, you know what I'm saying. Like,

796
00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:05,799
Speaker 1: we do that for each other because that's mine and hers,

797
00:42:06,239 --> 00:42:08,600
Speaker 1: and you have to be able to have these conversations

798
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:11,880
Speaker 1: with each other, especially when it comes to that area

799
00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:15,279
Speaker 1: because because it's yours is mine and what's mine is

800
00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:19,160
Speaker 1: ours at that point. So we got to make sure

801
00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:21,359
Speaker 1: whatever I got, you got in vice versa. And if

802
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,839
Speaker 1: you're hygiene on point, you can give you your wife

803
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:28,320
Speaker 1: an infection. Yes, talk about that, us talk about that.

804
00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:32,360
Speaker 1: Because we had this conversation with about circumcision, and some

805
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:36,040
Speaker 1: people know there's a big anti circumcision thing, but speaking

806
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:38,840
Speaker 1: to a lot of women and speaking if you're not

807
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:46,440
Speaker 1: shaving down there because your hair holds fungus, sweat and bacteria, bacteria,

808
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:48,400
Speaker 1: you would have sex with a woman and then she

809
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,440
Speaker 1: can she's open down there all the time. Like we

810
00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:53,480
Speaker 1: have to just start thinking about right, and then you

811
00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:56,960
Speaker 1: want to tell somebody that this ladies thinks or whatever,

812
00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:00,080
Speaker 1: that's what you must have gave us the baby. And

813
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:04,120
Speaker 1: sometimes it's and sometimes it's not even like std But

814
00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:08,440
Speaker 1: if you're not sanitary and you're constantly shoving your stuff

815
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:10,960
Speaker 1: inside of a woman, she's gonna have issues. Bro. That's

816
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:12,640
Speaker 1: the fact. There was a whole threat on Instagram. Did

817
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:14,560
Speaker 1: you see that? One time? I was going around about

818
00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:17,000
Speaker 1: what how men should be grooming down there to in

819
00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:19,200
Speaker 1: order to be seen it. And I've seen dudes, I've

820
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:21,160
Speaker 1: seen something talking about something. I'm a man, I don't

821
00:43:21,239 --> 00:43:25,759
Speaker 1: shave that. Like, bro, it's not it's not metros to

822
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:30,320
Speaker 1: metro sexual or gay. To take care of your genitals,

823
00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:34,239
Speaker 1: brot like like like this whole idea that you less

824
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,920
Speaker 1: of a man or you don't like women if you

825
00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:39,920
Speaker 1: take care of your genitals is the stupidest thing I've

826
00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:42,920
Speaker 1: ever heard in my life. Bro. And I'm I am

827
00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:46,040
Speaker 1: a man. I love women, but I shave. I keep

828
00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:48,799
Speaker 1: my joint low consistently to make sure that my wife

829
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:51,360
Speaker 1: don't have no issues because I like to have sex,

830
00:43:52,239 --> 00:43:54,600
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, Like, that's just what it is.

831
00:43:55,719 --> 00:43:57,120
Speaker 1: And the thing is, we don't even have these to

832
00:43:57,200 --> 00:44:00,239
Speaker 1: be honest, we don't really have these conversations. Like my

833
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:02,279
Speaker 1: pops never talked to me about grooming. It just was

834
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:05,040
Speaker 1: nothing that and I don't know, I never asked him

835
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:07,080
Speaker 1: if heat grooms. You know, it's just you. You learn

836
00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:09,160
Speaker 1: things that you get older. But these are conversations we

837
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:12,440
Speaker 1: need to have in our community. So what's not considered taboo,

838
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,319
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And and also we can

839
00:44:15,520 --> 00:44:19,680
Speaker 1: protect our women in their reproductive organs one less trip

840
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:23,239
Speaker 1: to the or urgent care. And these are things that

841
00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:25,240
Speaker 1: you learned. These are these things you learned. For example,

842
00:44:25,280 --> 00:44:30,120
Speaker 1: I learned um even how I shave, because for example,

843
00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:32,640
Speaker 1: remember I used to shave with the trimmer, which used

844
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:35,200
Speaker 1: to make my hair super course and shoot up. We

845
00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:38,840
Speaker 1: would have sex, then you would chafe and then then chafing.

846
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:41,520
Speaker 1: It would cause an irritation which could was leaving leading

847
00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:44,319
Speaker 1: to bacterial infections. And I was like, oh, sh it's

848
00:44:44,360 --> 00:44:46,880
Speaker 1: it's the way I'm shaving that's an issue, or the

849
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,320
Speaker 1: length that I'm shaving is causing an issue for my girlfriend.

850
00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:53,480
Speaker 1: And I was nineteen, you know, I didn't I didn't

851
00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:56,799
Speaker 1: know better, but I was using the wrong products even

852
00:44:56,840 --> 00:45:00,239
Speaker 1: shaving and using different creams down there afterwards and would

853
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:02,839
Speaker 1: have sex and realizing the dingy those creams I use

854
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:04,600
Speaker 1: in there after shave and then go to have sex,

855
00:45:04,680 --> 00:45:07,480
Speaker 1: go inside of my wife for my girlfriend, and now

856
00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:11,080
Speaker 1: she has a problem. So it's okay to have those conversations,

857
00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:14,120
Speaker 1: especially if you're going to be that close. Yes, please

858
00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:16,680
Speaker 1: just just say it's just say it, because I I feel,

859
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:20,680
Speaker 1: you know, my be down smelly crotch. And it's the

860
00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:24,239
Speaker 1: same thing. Gentlemen, if you if your wife ain't keeping

861
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:28,600
Speaker 1: her hygiene up, say baby, you see something, say something,

862
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:35,239
Speaker 1: see something, spell something, say something. Okay, all right, let

863
00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:38,120
Speaker 1: me say first, I love y'all. We love Thank you

864
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:40,640
Speaker 1: for always being so transparent with your listeners. Okay, so

865
00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:42,919
Speaker 1: my husband and I have been married for almost ten years.

866
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:45,680
Speaker 1: I try to be my husband's biggest support system, best

867
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:48,439
Speaker 1: friend and justice. Everything. Recently have not been in the mood.

868
00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:50,920
Speaker 1: We have three kids, all under the age of seven.

869
00:45:51,239 --> 00:45:54,040
Speaker 1: We both work full time and I cook every day.

870
00:45:54,120 --> 00:45:56,160
Speaker 1: I can't tell you the last time we had date night.

871
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:58,560
Speaker 1: We don't have We don't have family that we can

872
00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:01,280
Speaker 1: depend on to help us with our kids. I recently

873
00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:05,120
Speaker 1: tried your idea for the closet. We have an area

874
00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:07,560
Speaker 1: in our basement, so but we have an ana basement.

875
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:09,440
Speaker 1: So I went downstairs and sent him a text message.

876
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:12,399
Speaker 1: I waited so long that I fell asleep. I woke

877
00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:14,960
Speaker 1: up and went to bed. I was so upset that

878
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:17,279
Speaker 1: I ended up laughing at myself for even trying. We

879
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:19,360
Speaker 1: used to be so much fun, but we are now

880
00:46:19,480 --> 00:46:21,960
Speaker 1: an old married couple. I don't want to be. Please

881
00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:24,720
Speaker 1: give me some advice, But you didn't check the text message.

882
00:46:24,719 --> 00:46:25,880
Speaker 1: I want to know. I want to know from him,

883
00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:28,960
Speaker 1: like maybe he fell asleep right, maybe because they're that

884
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:31,319
Speaker 1: old married couple that just falls asleep now, or maybe

885
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:33,359
Speaker 1: he only gets text from her when she wants something

886
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:36,840
Speaker 1: so we ignored it. Come to the basement. He was like,

887
00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:39,800
Speaker 1: she donna have me assemble something she don't have me

888
00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:45,400
Speaker 1: taking out trash. You should have sent a picture with

889
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:48,160
Speaker 1: the text message is that's when you gotta get dressed up.

890
00:46:48,160 --> 00:46:49,920
Speaker 1: You gotta get cute, you gotta take the little back

891
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,719
Speaker 1: and go from downloads. We was all popping, and that's

892
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:54,919
Speaker 1: when you sent him the message to come downstairs. He'd

893
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:57,960
Speaker 1: be prepared and he would make haste and come down,

894
00:46:58,239 --> 00:47:03,680
Speaker 1: make a sound come to now. Um, this goes back

895
00:47:03,719 --> 00:47:05,279
Speaker 1: to what we said earlier. She tried one time and

896
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:08,520
Speaker 1: now she's over it. Right, That's not how it consistency, baby.

897
00:47:08,840 --> 00:47:12,480
Speaker 1: Intimacy is about consistency. It's not something you do one time.

898
00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 1: Because that one we went through that too, where it

899
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:18,759
Speaker 1: was like Kadina tried to be sexual and I was

900
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:22,480
Speaker 1: not expecting it at all. What is this? And she

901
00:47:22,560 --> 00:47:26,560
Speaker 1: was like I was trying something new. You know. You

902
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:30,640
Speaker 1: don't even respond the way over the course of our

903
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:36,000
Speaker 1: entire podcast seasons, the different voices that Devour has for me, Okay,

904
00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:38,760
Speaker 1: I'll be sounding like a wounded goat. I'd be sounded

905
00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:40,920
Speaker 1: like I don't know what this was, just okay. That's

906
00:47:40,920 --> 00:47:43,439
Speaker 1: how you'd be sounded like I just trying some time.

907
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,880
Speaker 1: And when I try to do this for you, then

908
00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:47,800
Speaker 1: you didn't response. I'm like, why should I even do

909
00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:50,120
Speaker 1: that anymore? But you're right though, because sometimes you feel

910
00:47:50,160 --> 00:47:52,440
Speaker 1: like your efforts, if your efforts falling on deaf ears

911
00:47:52,719 --> 00:47:55,520
Speaker 1: or on olymptic then you're like what what the what

912
00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:57,719
Speaker 1: was the whole point of what I'm saying? Yeah, and

913
00:47:57,800 --> 00:47:59,400
Speaker 1: you know, it's like it shot to your ego, so

914
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:01,359
Speaker 1: I can under saying how she may feel in that moment,

915
00:48:01,440 --> 00:48:04,520
Speaker 1: like damn, Like I was trying something and here we are.

916
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:07,160
Speaker 1: But at least she's trying though, which is a good thing.

917
00:48:07,320 --> 00:48:11,879
Speaker 1: But she tried. She's not trying to continue to try

918
00:48:12,040 --> 00:48:15,759
Speaker 1: that wing. But you know, and it takes time for

919
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:19,399
Speaker 1: you to break that, like that that mental uh cover

920
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:21,760
Speaker 1: that you have on yourself because when you was trying

921
00:48:21,880 --> 00:48:24,919
Speaker 1: different things, I was blocking it because in my mind

922
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:26,880
Speaker 1: I was like, she's not gonna keep this up, so

923
00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:29,680
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna actively get used to this or

924
00:48:29,719 --> 00:48:31,800
Speaker 1: get excited get excited. And then my thing was in

925
00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:33,800
Speaker 1: that moment, why are you even like thinking about that?

926
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:35,759
Speaker 1: Like can't you just enjoy the moment in the moment

927
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:37,800
Speaker 1: that it is, like here is the present, be present

928
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:39,959
Speaker 1: in this moment and stop thinking about what happened before

929
00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:41,800
Speaker 1: or what's going to happen in the future, and it

930
00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:45,120
Speaker 1: exists in that moment. Because it's easier said than done.

931
00:48:45,239 --> 00:48:48,400
Speaker 1: It's easy to say, just receive this in this moment

932
00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:50,600
Speaker 1: and don't think about it. A lot of times you

933
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:53,960
Speaker 1: can't control with your mind goes like I don't expect

934
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:58,799
Speaker 1: you to put on a leotard and he a leotard

935
00:48:59,239 --> 00:49:00,960
Speaker 1: and heels when I asked you to put on a

936
00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:03,600
Speaker 1: nurse's outfit in a wig, and my mind to be like,

937
00:49:03,920 --> 00:49:06,520
Speaker 1: what she didn't put on what I asked. I expect

938
00:49:06,719 --> 00:49:08,840
Speaker 1: to be excited, but then when I don't see what

939
00:49:08,920 --> 00:49:10,400
Speaker 1: I asked. You know what I'm saying that is that

940
00:49:10,480 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 1: the time you talked about a dusty the at time

941
00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:15,239
Speaker 1: because I had the nervous to call my guitar my

942
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:19,720
Speaker 1: little body suit dusty, it was not dusty. It was cute.

943
00:49:20,080 --> 00:49:23,680
Speaker 1: We were in the funk. I had asked for something

944
00:49:23,760 --> 00:49:26,760
Speaker 1: in particular, when you asked me exactly what I wanted.

945
00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:30,279
Speaker 1: I told you exactly what I wanted. You gave me

946
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:34,920
Speaker 1: what you wanted, and a day, though it was cute

947
00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:37,800
Speaker 1: and a normal day, I'd be fine. But when you

948
00:49:37,840 --> 00:49:40,000
Speaker 1: asked me what I want, and I'm expecting you're specific.

949
00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:42,279
Speaker 1: Then my mind is going to like what is this?

950
00:49:43,160 --> 00:49:45,279
Speaker 1: And then you just trying to get me going and

951
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,600
Speaker 1: you're like, Okay, what's going on? Just like he was

952
00:49:48,600 --> 00:49:52,960
Speaker 1: supposed to be a nurse baby. Keep trying, keep keep

953
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:55,279
Speaker 1: keep it going, girl, Yeah, keep going, and then you

954
00:49:55,360 --> 00:49:57,399
Speaker 1: know creative ways to get date night like we've done

955
00:49:57,480 --> 00:49:59,480
Speaker 1: date night in the car if we couldn't get away

956
00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:02,279
Speaker 1: from the kids in the garage, like little things like that. Yeah,

957
00:50:02,280 --> 00:50:05,719
Speaker 1: I think the consistency part is what um you're gonna

958
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:08,600
Speaker 1: have to work through. So, but she has the interest,

959
00:50:08,680 --> 00:50:12,040
Speaker 1: I should say now that she was interested. So she

960
00:50:12,080 --> 00:50:13,839
Speaker 1: doesn't want to be like we've said that so many times.

961
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,399
Speaker 1: We're like, we don't want to be our old married couple.

962
00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:16,839
Speaker 1: We don't want to be our parents who don't want

963
00:50:16,840 --> 00:50:18,840
Speaker 1: to be other couples that we've seen. What is the

964
00:50:18,920 --> 00:50:21,360
Speaker 1: worst sex that I like, that that I hate? What

965
00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:23,600
Speaker 1: is the word? Like rolling over in bed and just

966
00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:26,200
Speaker 1: being like, oh yo, there was a point in Monday

967
00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:29,800
Speaker 1: and the bed shoulder, shoulder, and then she would just

968
00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:33,719
Speaker 1: roll over and be like I'll be like, you don't

969
00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:35,800
Speaker 1: touch my dick. Don't touch my dick. And she's like,

970
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:37,880
Speaker 1: what do you mean because it would be that time

971
00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:40,160
Speaker 1: when I know I was like dead tired. But I'm like, damn,

972
00:50:40,719 --> 00:50:43,560
Speaker 1: it's gonna going on day two, day three. I don't

973
00:50:43,560 --> 00:50:45,920
Speaker 1: do something now, So I like throw my hand over

974
00:50:45,960 --> 00:50:49,279
Speaker 1: there and throw it back right back. I was just

975
00:50:49,440 --> 00:50:56,439
Speaker 1: like I'm good on all that. Don't nobody want to know? Damn,

976
00:50:56,480 --> 00:50:59,719
Speaker 1: Brandy sex. If you'd like to be featured as one

977
00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:02,880
Speaker 1: of our listening letters, y'all keep emailing us at as

978
00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:05,560
Speaker 1: sid advice at gmail dot com. Yes, that's d E

979
00:51:05,719 --> 00:51:08,279
Speaker 1: A D A S S A d V I C

980
00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:13,279
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. All right, moment of truth time, Um,

981
00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:15,239
Speaker 1: my moment of truth? Man is I just hope every

982
00:51:15,719 --> 00:51:20,080
Speaker 1: relationship learns how to have not dead as but live

983
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:24,239
Speaker 1: because that as be live right now and understand that

984
00:51:24,440 --> 00:51:29,680
Speaker 1: intimacy needs consistency. You don't. You don't, just I want

985
00:51:29,719 --> 00:51:31,640
Speaker 1: to get intimacy back. If you get to the point

986
00:51:31,640 --> 00:51:33,640
Speaker 1: where it's like how do I get INTIVC back? That

987
00:51:33,760 --> 00:51:36,799
Speaker 1: means that you were consistent at letting intimacy go, which

988
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:40,120
Speaker 1: is messed up. You see what I'm saying, So get

989
00:51:40,160 --> 00:51:43,640
Speaker 1: it back and keep the intimacy going through everything. Highs

990
00:51:43,760 --> 00:51:46,840
Speaker 1: and lows, up and down changes in life. Just continue

991
00:51:46,880 --> 00:51:49,320
Speaker 1: to be intimate your whole relationship, and you'll never have

992
00:51:49,320 --> 00:51:51,680
Speaker 1: to worry about getting it back. Be deliberate about it.

993
00:51:51,840 --> 00:51:56,600
Speaker 1: That's so good. I feel like that was everything he said.

994
00:51:56,640 --> 00:51:59,680
Speaker 1: I I was gonna say consistency too, but also, um,

995
00:52:00,120 --> 00:52:04,200
Speaker 1: I think we should be recognizing when your partner is

996
00:52:04,239 --> 00:52:07,000
Speaker 1: putting in effort to know that, Okay, he's putting in

997
00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:09,520
Speaker 1: some effort, so that's going to jump start something in

998
00:52:09,640 --> 00:52:12,680
Speaker 1: me to then reciprocate that effort. I think that's probably

999
00:52:12,719 --> 00:52:16,120
Speaker 1: the sexiest thing about thinking about intimacy and the continuation

1000
00:52:16,239 --> 00:52:18,360
Speaker 1: of it, or if in your case, having to rekindle

1001
00:52:18,440 --> 00:52:20,960
Speaker 1: it is knowing that it's kind of like a ping

1002
00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:23,960
Speaker 1: pong match, you know. Um. And if I look at

1003
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:26,719
Speaker 1: it that way, now that you've pretty much broken down

1004
00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:29,919
Speaker 1: to me your strategy while I was pregnant, I feel

1005
00:52:29,920 --> 00:52:32,719
Speaker 1: like it's something that will be worth taking on through

1006
00:52:32,719 --> 00:52:34,600
Speaker 1: the rest of our marriage, since we've had moments in

1007
00:52:34,680 --> 00:52:36,960
Speaker 1: the past where we've had our dry patches and we've

1008
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:39,239
Speaker 1: had our obstacles with it. If we look at it

1009
00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:41,880
Speaker 1: to continue to just be a bouncing back and forth thing,

1010
00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:45,600
Speaker 1: I think it'll work for us well post pregnancy. Also,

1011
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:47,480
Speaker 1: I'm glad you said the bouncing back and forth thing

1012
00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:50,200
Speaker 1: because I did also realize and listening to you talk

1013
00:52:50,440 --> 00:52:54,480
Speaker 1: just now, also recognizing who has the higher sex drive

1014
00:52:55,239 --> 00:52:57,680
Speaker 1: in the relationship and realizing that if you're a person

1015
00:52:57,800 --> 00:53:00,840
Speaker 1: with the higher sex drive, it's okay to put in

1016
00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:04,879
Speaker 1: more effort in that part of your marriage because that's

1017
00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:09,160
Speaker 1: what you require, as opposed to saying, well, my partner

1018
00:53:09,200 --> 00:53:10,960
Speaker 1: needs to meet me and do exactly what I need

1019
00:53:11,280 --> 00:53:14,600
Speaker 1: or figure it out right, that's that's just not fair because,

1020
00:53:14,719 --> 00:53:17,360
Speaker 1: like I told my homeboy, if I were single, I

1021
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:19,600
Speaker 1: would be putting a ton of energy and again some asks.

1022
00:53:20,440 --> 00:53:22,359
Speaker 1: So if I'm putting all that energy, I should put

1023
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:25,320
Speaker 1: the same energy into getting there from my wife or

1024
00:53:25,400 --> 00:53:27,320
Speaker 1: making it feel special enough that we can share it.

1025
00:53:27,640 --> 00:53:29,560
Speaker 1: As opposed to saying, well, now we're married, so you

1026
00:53:29,680 --> 00:53:31,319
Speaker 1: need to make sure that I'm getting it as much

1027
00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:33,839
Speaker 1: as I need it. That's selfish and that's not being

1028
00:53:33,880 --> 00:53:37,160
Speaker 1: of service to your partner. So if you recognize that

1029
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:39,520
Speaker 1: you have and sometimes it's not a husband. We've listened.

1030
00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:43,880
Speaker 1: We've had women say my sex drive is high, and

1031
00:53:44,040 --> 00:53:46,560
Speaker 1: what's up if your sex drive is higher than your husband.

1032
00:53:47,320 --> 00:53:49,759
Speaker 1: That energy you would put in again, some dick if

1033
00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:52,160
Speaker 1: you was a single woman, put that energy and they

1034
00:53:52,239 --> 00:53:55,239
Speaker 1: getting your husband to be into you as opposed to saying, well,

1035
00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:58,400
Speaker 1: he needs to take care of it. It's not fair, right, absolutely,

1036
00:54:00,120 --> 00:54:01,800
Speaker 1: all right, y'all. I hope I'll enjoyed this episode. I

1037
00:54:01,840 --> 00:54:04,840
Speaker 1: think it was pretty, pretty cool, pretty fun. Um I

1038
00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:07,400
Speaker 1: did too, And be sure to find us y'all on

1039
00:54:07,480 --> 00:54:10,440
Speaker 1: social media dead Ass the podcast. You can find me

1040
00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:13,319
Speaker 1: at Cadeen I Am and I Am Devout, and if

1041
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:16,320
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review

1042
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:23,920
Speaker 1: and subscribe that part. Dead as dead Ass is a

1043
00:54:23,960 --> 00:54:26,880
Speaker 1: production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced

1044
00:54:26,920 --> 00:54:30,480
Speaker 1: by the Noorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social

1045
00:54:30,560 --> 00:54:32,960
Speaker 1: media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a

1046
00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:33,160
Speaker 1: Thing