Speaker 1: Believe it or not, Babe, men have feelings too. Absolutely
Speaker 1: here you see you, acknowledge you. And sometimes I just
Speaker 1: be so in my feelings that I don't even be
Speaker 1: knowing what I'm feeling, but I'm feeling something dead as
Speaker 1: dead as hey. I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You
Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead
Speaker 1: adds is the term that we say every day. So
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take pillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. So this story time is gonna
Speaker 1: take me back to three days ago and I was
Speaker 1: coming into the garage and KaDee was walking out of
Speaker 1: the garage and she just rubbed my chest real quick,
Speaker 1: and she looked at me, and she said what's the matter, Like,
Speaker 1: what's wrong with you? And I was like nothing, nothing,
Speaker 1: I'm good, I'm good. Walk past and she came up
Speaker 1: behind me. While she was I was just making my
Speaker 1: plate for food or whatever. So I rubbed the back
Speaker 1: of my neck and she was just like, what's what's wrong?
Speaker 1: I can tell something's wrong. And I was like, can
Speaker 1: I be honest for a second and she was like yeah,
Speaker 1: And I was like, I missed my girlfriend. And she
Speaker 1: was like what, Like what am I not doing? What
Speaker 1: do you mean what am I not doing? And I
Speaker 1: was just like, you're not not doing anything, like you
Speaker 1: You're just not not doing anything You're doing. The problem
Speaker 1: is you're doing all of the things. But um, I
Speaker 1: explained to her that I had to I'm learning how
Speaker 1: to reconcile with the fact that I have to share
Speaker 1: her right not only with four kids, but I have
Speaker 1: to share her with her mom. Then I have to
Speaker 1: share her with her dad. Then this is a new
Speaker 1: thing for us where her her brother and sister are
Speaker 1: no longer with us every day like we used to be.
Speaker 1: So when they come and visit, I got to share
Speaker 1: her with them. Then I got to share her with
Speaker 1: work and that should be whacked to me sometimes like
Speaker 1: it just it just be whack. I don't feel like sharing.
Speaker 1: And Codeine instantly went into girlfriend o. She said, I
Speaker 1: hate you, babe, my get it right. So she leaves,
Speaker 1: comes back. She has on my favorite red shorts, the
Speaker 1: co wed shorts and the crop top, and then while
Speaker 1: we're eating, she's just sitting on my lap while we eat,
Speaker 1: And in that moment, it just felt like, yeah, this
Speaker 1: like this is just what I felt like. I felt
Speaker 1: like I wasn't being seen. But I learned to express
Speaker 1: that in real time so that we can deal with
Speaker 1: it in real time as opposed to trying to harness
Speaker 1: it inside somewhere and then find a way to just
Speaker 1: suppress it. Sounds good. I love real time because we've learned.
Speaker 1: I think over the years that nothing good comes from
Speaker 1: festering at all. Shout out to my man, Hope. This
Speaker 1: is some spoken word that he said and wanted his
Speaker 1: song as the Blueprint two album. Yes see if you'll
Speaker 1: know this song, see if you know this song, I see.
Speaker 1: I said, jealousy, I said, got the whole family mad
Speaker 1: at me? I said, Then b I said, devout, remind
Speaker 1: yourself nobody built like you. You just sign yourself. I
Speaker 1: see no, I agree, I said, my one of a
Speaker 1: kind self getting stoned every day like Jesus Dad. Then
Speaker 1: b I said, you know what's the end of it, ship,
Speaker 1: I always be forgetting. I always forget the worst. You
Speaker 1: have to say, the right being not I changed a
Speaker 1: couple of words to what be I said, has been
Speaker 1: said before. Keep doing your thing, he said, say no more.
Speaker 1: That always resonated with me because it was it was
Speaker 1: a constant reminder that you do design yourself right. And
Speaker 1: there's a partner where he doesn't say I got the
Speaker 1: whole family, mad at me, I say I got the
Speaker 1: whole industry. Mad at me, I said. Anytime you decide
Speaker 1: to move differently than everybody else, they get mad. People
Speaker 1: in control get upset because you're moving differently. Is a
Speaker 1: reminder to all the other people that they've already got
Speaker 1: to fall in line. Is that I don't have to
Speaker 1: move this way, And if this person can move this
Speaker 1: way and be successful, I might try something different. And
Speaker 1: um that song were the world said. That song resonated
Speaker 1: with me in this instant because in the beginning it
Speaker 1: says I see I said jealousy, I said, got the
Speaker 1: whole family mad at me. I said, it kind of
Speaker 1: reminded me sometimes, like how I don't mind sharing you
Speaker 1: with the family, but sometimes I get jealous. I see,
Speaker 1: I said jealousy, I said, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And then when I when I try to reel you
Speaker 1: back in or bring you back in, it's almost like
Speaker 1: the family gets mad at me. You know what I'm saying, like, oh,
Speaker 1: your mom me going on date night? You know that's
Speaker 1: kind of and it's like man like, I'm trying to reconcile.
Speaker 1: But um, also it's a constant reminder that, um, you know,
Speaker 1: I agree. I said, my one of a concept get
Speaker 1: stoned every day like Jesus did. It's like when you're
Speaker 1: so different that other people can't recognize you, the first
Speaker 1: thing they want to do is throw stones. And what
Speaker 1: we're gonn to talk about today is normalizing masculine men
Speaker 1: talking about their feelings in real time and not feeling
Speaker 1: like Jesus and getting stoned because they're walking a different wall.
Speaker 1: Dive in with a special guest. Let's pay some bills first, though,
Speaker 1: we're gonna do that, We're gonna come back, We'll finish
Speaker 1: up some story time and then we'll introduce our special
Speaker 1: guest today. Boom, all right, we're back. It's funny because
Speaker 1: when you said three days ago, I was like, what
Speaker 1: happened three days ago that we got a story about?
Speaker 1: Because you know, there's always something to talk about in
Speaker 1: this house. Um, but yeah, you know what, It's funny
Speaker 1: you said that when I when you mentioned that you
Speaker 1: were feeling some kind of way about something or you
Speaker 1: just looked a little down, I instantly always looked to
Speaker 1: myself and be like, Okay, what did I do or
Speaker 1: not do to potentially put him in a funk? And
Speaker 1: I know you've been talking to me more recently about
Speaker 1: it's not necessarily just something I've done or not done.
Speaker 1: It just maybe something that you're feeling in that moment,
Speaker 1: and I have to find a way to not necessarily
Speaker 1: talk you out of feeling that way, or just saying babe,
Speaker 1: you should not feel that way, but acknowledging that you
Speaker 1: feel a way about something, and then furthering discuss why
Speaker 1: you may feel like that. You know, Um, I think
Speaker 1: far too many times in the past I've just always
Speaker 1: tried to find a way to remedy it or find
Speaker 1: a way to explain why I may have done something
Speaker 1: to make you feel a way, um, and explaining my
Speaker 1: reasonings for that, um, and so many times and times
Speaker 1: again you just kind of had to shake me and
Speaker 1: say uh but so many words without putting your hands
Speaker 1: on me. But you're just like, hey, I just need
Speaker 1: you to understand where I'm coming from and how I
Speaker 1: feel in this moment. So we're gonna talk today about
Speaker 1: opening up a little bit more and being receptive to
Speaker 1: our men when they want to express themselves. Right, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: So let me go ahead and just jump right into
Speaker 1: it now. In a recent viral moment with Lauren Lyndon,
Speaker 1: she says, so we're all going to get chin checked
Speaker 1: by life one way or the other, so I might
Speaker 1: as well focus on my enlightenment and roll with the
Speaker 1: river and not fight the rocks. A sentiment that I
Speaker 1: think we can all relate to at some point or
Speaker 1: the other. She got that from Bruce Leeter crash water
Speaker 1: flow like water did Cairo? Did he quote that recently?
Speaker 1: My baby's obsessed with Bruce Lee just so y'all know.
Speaker 1: But anyway, that's sometimes easier said than done. Right in reality,
Speaker 1: how do we deal with those emotions when life gets tough.
Speaker 1: So we brought in the homie today to chat with us.
Speaker 1: Mr ker Gains, a license mental health therapist who uses
Speaker 1: his platform to help us figure out all the things
Speaker 1: all right. Here shares with us his knowledge as a
Speaker 1: therapist and his experience as a husband and father of
Speaker 1: two baby girls to relate to people in all stages
Speaker 1: of their process. And he is here to talk to
Speaker 1: us today. Brother kier, how are you big up yourself? Bro?
Speaker 1: Big up yourself? Listen. The last time we saw you
Speaker 1: was at the Dad Gang Awards, right, And I think
Speaker 1: at that time I was pregnant, but I don't think
Speaker 1: I told anyone yet, but I think, yeah, and here
Speaker 1: your wife was pregnant also or you had just recently
Speaker 1: found out as well, And I know that that held
Speaker 1: you close and whispered and it's another boy. Yeah, like
Speaker 1: what I think. Kira was one of the first people
Speaker 1: to know outside of our general family that we were
Speaker 1: having another boy. But it was great to see you there. Um.
Speaker 1: I was happy to be in the midst of such greatness,
Speaker 1: such amazing father's fatherhood, um, just around amazing black men.
Speaker 1: The energy in that room was just it filled me
Speaker 1: up my cup overflow within that moment. So here, we're
Speaker 1: happy to have you today with us on dad, ass,
Speaker 1: how's everything been. You're getting any sleep? Because I know,
Speaker 1: I sure it was a late the wife is getting
Speaker 1: more sleep than me, And we talked about a little
Speaker 1: bit before. It's it's not even it's how broken up
Speaker 1: the sleep is. As soon as you get comfortable, something happens.
Speaker 1: And y'all got multiple so you know, even when the
Speaker 1: baby is sleeping good and everything is copasthetic, you got
Speaker 1: the older one who's gonna have some issues and then
Speaker 1: just it's crazy the teamwork element that multiple kids brings
Speaker 1: out of you, either in a good way or either
Speaker 1: your lack of or you know, your abundance of. But
Speaker 1: that teamwork capability is gonna get tested hard, super hard.
Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely that's how we work. It's like whoever is
Speaker 1: better equipped in that moment to handle whatever the situation
Speaker 1: is diffused that fire, go ahead and do it. Just
Speaker 1: know on the flip side, somebody else is handling everything
Speaker 1: else right absolutely that we're gonna chat today a little
Speaker 1: bit more. I mean I wanted to a kid made
Speaker 1: a video I think it was last week or maybe
Speaker 1: a couple of days ago that really spoke to me,
Speaker 1: and he was hiding in the room and he was
Speaker 1: talking about normalizing the fact that sometimes you just don't
Speaker 1: like your kids and you don't like being a parent,
Speaker 1: and it's fine to express that, but what's more important
Speaker 1: is how you learn to deal with those emotions so
Speaker 1: that you can be a productive parent, can also be
Speaker 1: a productive individual. What I thought was most important about
Speaker 1: that was normalizing that feeling because a lot of people
Speaker 1: have that feeling and they feel like I'm the only
Speaker 1: parent in the world that feels like that. Then that's
Speaker 1: when depression can start. That's when you feel like you're
Speaker 1: inadequate as a parent because you have these feelings. If
Speaker 1: more people begin to express how they truly feel and
Speaker 1: then you see that, then you feel like that. But
Speaker 1: you still show up every single day for your kids.
Speaker 1: You're still a phenomenal parent. Can you talk a little
Speaker 1: bit about that care? Yeah, you you just gotta hit
Speaker 1: the nail on the head man. That's that's a lot
Speaker 1: of what counseling is. Humans are so funny. If you
Speaker 1: can get humans in the room and they're vulnerable enough
Speaker 1: to talk to you about the things that bother them
Speaker 1: the most deeply. They'll explain it as if they're the
Speaker 1: only individuals that ever experienced this, and I just be
Speaker 1: wanting to tell them, like, brother, last five people who
Speaker 1: sat in that chair also felt the same thing. We're
Speaker 1: thinking silo sometimes and that's not the truth. But we
Speaker 1: we also have to go around social acceptability norms, especially
Speaker 1: when you live on the internet like we do and
Speaker 1: like y'all do, that the expectations of what an ideal
Speaker 1: or what a perfect person does, and then they get
Speaker 1: reinforced when we see these images of immaculate kids, always
Speaker 1: well behaved. I laugh about whenever you post that that
Speaker 1: that k be going in on the kids and they
Speaker 1: look at you like, now, bro, don't look at me,
Speaker 1: because that's real. Like we don't always get to see
Speaker 1: that every enforcement that we're not the only ones to
Speaker 1: deal with it. So that's just a part of the
Speaker 1: human condition, Bro. It's it's it's believing that you have
Speaker 1: to meet the standard that really may not exist outside
Speaker 1: your own head. But I don't feel pressure by that
Speaker 1: no more. That's why I made the video. I love
Speaker 1: my children. I don't have to tell anybody that I
Speaker 1: got old woman everdence here that I love my children,
Speaker 1: but sometimes being a parent, you can have a bad
Speaker 1: relationship with I don't always like having to raise small children.
Speaker 1: And it's not because I'm a bad person. I separated
Speaker 1: myself from that idea because that's not true. It's not
Speaker 1: because I'm a bad parent. I ain't no evidence to
Speaker 1: prove that I'm a bad parent. That's not true. It's
Speaker 1: simply because it's two conflicting things that and it's hard
Speaker 1: to envision two conflicting perspectives both holding equal space. Can
Speaker 1: you talk a little bit about even marriage right and
Speaker 1: how sometimes you wake up and you don't want to
Speaker 1: be married, like like you wake up and you just
Speaker 1: like not today, ain't today, but you still have a
Speaker 1: responsibility to show up as a spouse. Can you talk
Speaker 1: about as a man, managing those emotions, because I get
Speaker 1: so many dudes, especially once the kids come, they feel
Speaker 1: wild guilty, like they're like they're like, damn, I really
Speaker 1: just missed my girlfriend, I missed my wife. These kids
Speaker 1: in here now they're taken from my time and they're
Speaker 1: like ded man, I feel so guilty and bad that
Speaker 1: I feel like that, And just like you said, I'd
Speaker 1: be like, dude, you're not the only every every dude
Speaker 1: that has had a baby. And this past year has
Speaker 1: come to me at some point it was like, you're
Speaker 1: on the side, like your deal, Like am I wrong
Speaker 1: for like just missing my wife and wanting my wife
Speaker 1: and one and not wanting the baby to be there
Speaker 1: and this? And I was like, no, bro, you're not
Speaker 1: wrong for that. But how do you deal with that?
Speaker 1: Like what is? What do you tell people? Because I
Speaker 1: try to tell them like, you're not wrong for that,
Speaker 1: but then I also don't know how to tell them
Speaker 1: to deal with those emotions. I just tell them they
Speaker 1: have to show up. Can you give me some real
Speaker 1: professional insight on how to deal with with that type
Speaker 1: of conversation. It's a lot there. Uh, it's a lot
Speaker 1: there because in order to understand that thought, we got
Speaker 1: to kind of content with where it comes from, and
Speaker 1: it comes from being a fatherless a weird space, and
Speaker 1: there's no predominant voice that really speaks for dads and
Speaker 1: fathers that has the same you know that women who
Speaker 1: speak for mothers. Of course, there's different things that state
Speaker 1: for women. They do an awesome job of speaking up
Speaker 1: for themselves, but men make the mistake a lot of times.
Speaker 1: I know I did of that expectation piece. We just
Speaker 1: talked about expecting to make some type of connection with
Speaker 1: the baby and not understanding that that's a stranger in
Speaker 1: your house. That's just you don't know this person. You
Speaker 1: didn't develop a biological bond with this person over three
Speaker 1: quarters of a year. You know, you're you're learning on
Speaker 1: the go. There's no biological attachment outside your d n
Speaker 1: A right then and there. So I think it's that piece. Um,
Speaker 1: it's it's also we have a tendency and when we
Speaker 1: get together men, when we click up, we whisper in
Speaker 1: the shadows about how difficult. Because if you speak to
Speaker 1: if you speak that out, you trickle down with the expectation.
Speaker 1: Oh well, if you're talking about that, then you must
Speaker 1: not be a good partner. You're not a good partner.
Speaker 1: You're not a good husband. If you're not a good husband,
Speaker 1: you're not a good person. And it speaks to how
Speaker 1: we see ourselves. I mean, just talking with the homies.
Speaker 1: Ain't nobody gonna boil it down to that. But every
Speaker 1: plant has a route though, right, and that's where it
Speaker 1: comes from. Um, you know, it's a relationship with anything.
Speaker 1: This is what I tell people, it's a relationship with anything,
Speaker 1: nothing that you have, no matter how much you enjoy it,
Speaker 1: no matter how grateful you are for there's nothing that
Speaker 1: you have that you will be perfectly okay having a
Speaker 1: forced interaction with a hundred percent of the time, seven
Speaker 1: days a week, twenty four hours a day. Talk about it.
Speaker 1: You could love us. What is a u Shiaso massage?
Speaker 1: I don't know. Shiasa is a dog breed. But just
Speaker 1: like if you got my friends, how you're like, man,
Speaker 1: this is fire. After the second hour, you're like, man,
Speaker 1: I can't feel my legs no more. After four days
Speaker 1: of having that massage, I think you're ready to doing
Speaker 1: Somebody like yeah, so I don't flying all over the place,
Speaker 1: But like, this is romanticized idea of marriage and what
Speaker 1: it is and how it feels on the inside. And
Speaker 1: people have this idea in this narrative, and it's when
Speaker 1: you actually see what marriage looks like on the inside,
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, this it's not bad, but it's not
Speaker 1: what I expected. I'm more tired than I thought. I
Speaker 1: got more conflicting feelings than I thought. I can't just
Speaker 1: speak my mind all the time like I thought it's
Speaker 1: a lot of variables, and the kind of person you
Speaker 1: are takes the shape of your relationships sometimes, like we
Speaker 1: talk about Bruce Leep you like water like water in
Speaker 1: the cup, it takes the shape. You may not always
Speaker 1: like what that shape turns into for yourself. There's a
Speaker 1: lot there. It's not just one singular thing. It's it's
Speaker 1: a million little pieces that are so close together that
Speaker 1: it looks like a unit. So you're conflicted because it's
Speaker 1: a lot of stuff bumping up against each other. You
Speaker 1: know what I noticed too, even about like you said
Speaker 1: in this space, you just brought up so many good points.
Speaker 1: Women are allowed to speak openly about how they feel
Speaker 1: about marriage and parenthood and motherhood, but when a man speaks,
Speaker 1: he's often met with vitriol. One from men saying, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, you sound like a punk or
Speaker 1: pussy or you know, you sound soft, But then two
Speaker 1: with women like you sound entitled, you sound selfish, and
Speaker 1: it's like, hey, like and my not allowed to have
Speaker 1: feelings as a human being. You know, a perfect example,
Speaker 1: when Kadin and I spoke about um kids. I think
Speaker 1: it was last year when we were pregnant. We we
Speaker 1: spoke about how much we hated pregnancy, but we love
Speaker 1: our kids. There was some constituents that felt like, man,
Speaker 1: pregnancy is a blessing. You should always appreciate every blessing.
Speaker 1: It's like, does that mean that I can't be honest
Speaker 1: about how I feel about the fact that my wife's
Speaker 1: feet swell up and the fact that she's overweight and
Speaker 1: had to deal with preclam she and she had body
Speaker 1: image issues because of she didn't like the way her
Speaker 1: body was changing. I'm not allowed to speak on the
Speaker 1: fact that I feel bad that my wife has to
Speaker 1: go through this carry and my child. It's like, we
Speaker 1: don't have a space to be open about how it
Speaker 1: affects us. And I think that that's killing us as
Speaker 1: a community because every dude I asked, you know, when
Speaker 1: I ask how's how's everything going? Everything, Oh it's good, bro.
Speaker 1: Then they pulled me aside and be like and you know,
Speaker 1: and I see them break down, and I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: you need to be more vulnerable with that with all
Speaker 1: of us in the group. Don't pull them, don't put
Speaker 1: up the veil to be tough when it's a group
Speaker 1: of us, Tell us all how you feel so that
Speaker 1: you'll notice one person be like, oh, yeah, that's that's
Speaker 1: me too. I think it is now to the our generation,
Speaker 1: I think is the first generation that's actually encouraging our
Speaker 1: men and and pleading with our men to speak up
Speaker 1: and to say how they feel because typically in history,
Speaker 1: well historically men weren't allowed to really speak up for
Speaker 1: how they felt and then tell us their emotions. So
Speaker 1: sometimes it's maybe a little off putting, I feel like,
Speaker 1: because you don't expect for a man to be as
Speaker 1: vocal about how they feel, which is something that I
Speaker 1: don't care you are doing as a therapist. I'm sure
Speaker 1: you probably get people looking at you sideways sometimes when
Speaker 1: you say you're a whole therapist because therapy and black
Speaker 1: men were like oil and one. So the first thing
Speaker 1: is most people don't realize that here is actually a therapist,
Speaker 1: so when he's talking, they don't understand where this this is.
Speaker 1: That's how we number two, When he does express herself,
Speaker 1: sometimes I see people like, you know, typically it's women
Speaker 1: who feel off put by his honesty and his candor,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, that is the problem there. He's being
Speaker 1: honest about how he feels and pat backing up with
Speaker 1: an intelligent thought out process of how to deal with it,
Speaker 1: and still you're finding fault with what he feels. That
Speaker 1: to me is a problem. We think it's when you
Speaker 1: go out in the world, you gotta deal with other
Speaker 1: people's perspectives. I'm gonna tell anybody who's listening everything I
Speaker 1: say is going to come back down to perspectives and expectations,
Speaker 1: because that really makes the world go around. Those are
Speaker 1: the that's the foundation of your community interaction with any
Speaker 1: other human um. I think for a lot of times,
Speaker 1: the women have a very specific expectation of what a
Speaker 1: man is and what a man should be. And while
Speaker 1: that's one very specific definition, actually living inside this experience, like,
Speaker 1: it's one thing to say men should be more vocal,
Speaker 1: men should be more honest about their feelings. But I'm
Speaker 1: an eighties baby, and back in my neighborhood, most people
Speaker 1: Mama's wasn't saying, hey, stop crying. They put you in
Speaker 1: the chest and call you the F word. That were
Speaker 1: And I equate that to a freight train, y'all. A
Speaker 1: freight train that has a hundred twenty four cars on it,
Speaker 1: That thing weighs a good jillion times if it's going
Speaker 1: full speed. If I hate the brakes right now on
Speaker 1: that joint ain't going stop in Atlanta. It's gonna stop
Speaker 1: somewhere in West Virginia because it has that much momentum
Speaker 1: behind it. And that's what masculinity is. It's it's a culture,
Speaker 1: it's an archetype, it's a bill, that's an idea, it's
Speaker 1: an ideal, especially if you're a black man um and
Speaker 1: anything that falls away from that, it it risked the
Speaker 1: chance of being ostracized. And we all want community at
Speaker 1: the end. That's just what we all were, communal people.
Speaker 1: And when I just read this article called white black
Speaker 1: people black men are the white people of black people,
Speaker 1: I just think it's Damian Young who just wrote it.
Speaker 1: Set my soul on fire. But it was a very
Speaker 1: informative article. It was. It's a lot. It's it's this
Speaker 1: weird pedestalization that we have a women that's not really supportive.
Speaker 1: It's just pedestalizing yas queen. That's cool, bro, you don't
Speaker 1: really talk like that, for one, and to like see
Speaker 1: how you feel, you don't have to do all of that.
Speaker 1: You can see how you feel um and and still
Speaker 1: be in support of that woman. But on an inverse,
Speaker 1: it's we live in a society where people think if
Speaker 1: you disagree with me on my perspectives, then you're against me. No,
Speaker 1: I just disagree with Somebody hopped in my inbox and
Speaker 1: was like, you follow Candis Owens. I'm gonna follow you.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't agree with what she says, but
Speaker 1: I want to hear her perspective. I don't need to
Speaker 1: look on everything. I just said the same thing. I
Speaker 1: honestly believe that life comes down to perspective, right, especially
Speaker 1: on on social media here, when you choose to follow
Speaker 1: certain people, you are creating a very narrow perspective if
Speaker 1: you only choose to follow the people who agree with
Speaker 1: all of your ideology. I made it a point to
Speaker 1: try to just follow a bunch of different things, so
Speaker 1: when I can get a broader perspective, that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: I'm gonna agree, but I want to understand where are
Speaker 1: you even coming from with this thought process? And even
Speaker 1: if I don't understand it, at least I could here
Speaker 1: where it's coming from. But people will will be like, yo,
Speaker 1: follow this, and they'll be like, yo, you're wrong for that,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, guys, guys, I'm I'm not uh, Instagram consumer. Okay,
Speaker 1: I don't sit on my Instagram all day, go through
Speaker 1: my feed and just say this is gonna be my life. Right.
Speaker 1: I watched documentaries, I read books, There's so many other
Speaker 1: things I do to to feed my hunger for knowledge.
Speaker 1: But it's interesting you brought that up, because it's almost
Speaker 1: as if you're not even allowed to disagree with someone
Speaker 1: because of social media, or in the minute you disagree
Speaker 1: your anti them, not that thought, you're antipe them, and
Speaker 1: it's like, this is crazy. That's people, that's where that's
Speaker 1: where we are. Remember, social media is only does is
Speaker 1: amplify who we really are, what we can say when
Speaker 1: we feel protected by anonymity. I feel protected by screen.
Speaker 1: I could talk to you crazy right now, what you're
Speaker 1: gonna do. But if we are in person and you
Speaker 1: feel my energy and it's different, you don't talk to
Speaker 1: me like that. So we we we become the dogs
Speaker 1: in the cages. But I just look at it as
Speaker 1: a good I don't look at it's a good or
Speaker 1: bad thing. It just is what it is, and I
Speaker 1: try to meet things with that um, that neutrality. I
Speaker 1: think the term for what you're calling is ideal centrism.
Speaker 1: When you believe your ideas to be the center of
Speaker 1: the universe and not just your particular pocket of the universe.
Speaker 1: But I must say, when it comes to men and
Speaker 1: how you think about men as a whole, you you
Speaker 1: can't even talk about man's issues. You have to first
Speaker 1: address the things that men have contributed to negatively before
Speaker 1: you even talk about the instruy the issues that center men.
Speaker 1: And when the cam versation starts there, because it's such
Speaker 1: a necessary and underdiscussed conversation amongst men and women. I'm
Speaker 1: talking about rape, coach, I'm talking about intimate partner violence,
Speaker 1: all of that stuff. When it does happen, the conversation
Speaker 1: don't move. You can't get off of that. It's too big,
Speaker 1: it's too many variant opinions. No one's going to walk
Speaker 1: away from that conversation feeling satisfied. Someone's going to feel
Speaker 1: you know what it is, you know what it is.
Speaker 1: Men don't want to be held accountable the same way
Speaker 1: women don't want to be held accountable all the times.
Speaker 1: Similar to like it's bro it's the truth. I don't
Speaker 1: call it blame placing, but people don't like to be accountable.
Speaker 1: For example, white people say it's all the time, why
Speaker 1: I gotta be blamed for what my ancestors did. It's
Speaker 1: not blamed, it's being accountable for for your privilege, right
Speaker 1: the same way acknowledging the same way in the black community,
Speaker 1: men have to be accountable and acknowledge their privilege within
Speaker 1: the lack community and the hierarchy of men and women.
Speaker 1: But then when you start doing that, especially as a men,
Speaker 1: as a man, men get turned off to you holding
Speaker 1: them accountable. The same way when you, as a man
Speaker 1: try to hold women accountable for their privilege, women will
Speaker 1: say they get turned off. Is like, I'm tired of
Speaker 1: men trying to hold women accountable? Is that referencing like
Speaker 1: what Kire said, The title was that black men are
Speaker 1: the white Yes, that's that's pretty much. That's exactly what
Speaker 1: it was. Men. Black men in our community have experience
Speaker 1: a ton of privilege for centuries, and when you bring
Speaker 1: it up to black men, a lot of time they
Speaker 1: get defensive because we've also dealt with our fair share
Speaker 1: of racial profiling and prejudice and systemic racism. So a
Speaker 1: lot of us don't want to hear it. Right, But
Speaker 1: like Kire says, when you're starting when you're talking about
Speaker 1: a relationship, especially between a man and the women, you
Speaker 1: have to start with the route. When you start with
Speaker 1: the route, you start with accountability. Correct. Yeah, I would
Speaker 1: say accountable. That's accountability is the top of the route
Speaker 1: because it's you're making an amazing point, and I completely
Speaker 1: agree with you. But let's let's go a step below accountability.
Speaker 1: That's that self actualization piece. The reason accountability don't work.
Speaker 1: Men don't accountability need to do women. Humans suck at accountability.
Speaker 1: It's just not a thing that we like. We don't
Speaker 1: like to admit mistakes. It reminds us that we're less
Speaker 1: than our ideal selves in our head, and that hurts
Speaker 1: away from pain, you know, we run away from choices.
Speaker 1: That's just how the brain works. But when when we
Speaker 1: talk about accountability, it's it comes down to a self awareness.
Speaker 1: And also that word privilege will always set people off
Speaker 1: because in some ways it insinuates that you did not
Speaker 1: suffer through the things you suffer through. It minimizes in
Speaker 1: some ways all the things that you had to work
Speaker 1: through and and kind of like, uh, devalues it a
Speaker 1: little bit. Oh, you have white privilege. Yeah, but we
Speaker 1: grew up in the trailer pocket, Alabama. My dog, my
Speaker 1: dad was an alcoholic, my mom was on crystal glad.
Speaker 1: I don't have healthy family system. What privilege you talking about?
Speaker 1: I make twenty five thousand a year. You know, you
Speaker 1: tell a man you got you got black privilegs like
Speaker 1: I just got shot at the other week at a party.
Speaker 1: Every time my wife sends me to go pump her
Speaker 1: gas and we live, we are were projects adjacent. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. She sent me to gop gas
Speaker 1: because she's scared. I'm like, yeah, the tall black man
Speaker 1: with the three hundred dollars sweatsuit and seven hundred dollars
Speaker 1: Jordan's yeah, let's have help, right right, right. But that
Speaker 1: also goes back to that two competing ideologies can both
Speaker 1: hold space at the same time. They both have truth. Yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: it's not either or it's not a competition. And there's
Speaker 1: space for all these perspectives because your perspectives unique to you.
Speaker 1: What's going All three of us are having the same
Speaker 1: conversation right now, We're not having the same experience right now.
Speaker 1: It's unique to who we are as individuals. I can't
Speaker 1: keep minds so close that now, care standards becomes cadem
Speaker 1: standards becomes the vowel, standards becomes everybody standards. You should
Speaker 1: do what I do. I think that's a very skewed
Speaker 1: way of looking at the world. See this, this this
Speaker 1: is perfect because I'm I think we're talking to Jason
Speaker 1: about the six and the nine theory. Right. The way
Speaker 1: I used to talk to my young men about their
Speaker 1: emotions was understanding perspective. Right. I would sit down in
Speaker 1: the gym and I had a piece of paper with
Speaker 1: a nine on it, and it had no dash underneath,
Speaker 1: so they couldn't tell if it was a nine or
Speaker 1: a six. And I would sit him across from me,
Speaker 1: and I would sit there and said, would you tell
Speaker 1: me what you see? And he would say I see
Speaker 1: a nine. And I would say, well, I see a six,
Speaker 1: and he would look at me and then he would
Speaker 1: be like, oh, I could see that because from your
Speaker 1: angle it looks like a six. I said, that's how you,
Speaker 1: as a man, need to learn how to deal with
Speaker 1: your emotions. Right. You're talking to your mom, she's a woman.
Speaker 1: You're talking to your coach, you're talking to someone else.
Speaker 1: Understand that their perspective gives them a completely different view
Speaker 1: of the same world you're looking at, and they'd be like,
Speaker 1: they'd be like damn, and I'm like, yeah. So when
Speaker 1: you get into an argument with someone, the first thing
Speaker 1: you have to do to control your emotions is trying
Speaker 1: to remove yourself from your perspective and see what they're saying.
Speaker 1: And I said, think about it. You just step over
Speaker 1: here next to me. Step and so then they step
Speaker 1: over here and they'd be like, damn, of course about you, right,
Speaker 1: like it's it's the six. And I'm like, I'm right
Speaker 1: now because here, but you were right to being a nine.
Speaker 1: We were both right, which is the same thing you said,
Speaker 1: both competing ideologies can exist at the same space. Part
Speaker 1: of controlling your emotions is understanding that when you start
Speaker 1: thinking that my ideology is the only way the world
Speaker 1: should be, that's when you get frustrated. That's when you
Speaker 1: start feeling ostracized. That's when you feel like no one
Speaker 1: understands you, and it can be lonely, and that's when
Speaker 1: people get sensitive and they get defensive, and that's when
Speaker 1: they start, you know, anybody back in the corner or
Speaker 1: in the cage becomes a like a wounded animal. And
Speaker 1: I think for us, especially as people. When we can
Speaker 1: understand that perspectives create our our viewpoint, we can control
Speaker 1: our emotions a little bit more. So what you just
Speaker 1: said about everything being perspectives is perfect for what people
Speaker 1: need to hear. Yeah, and especially if I could just
Speaker 1: I know, we want to push the conversation forward, But
Speaker 1: you just made me think about something that ties back
Speaker 1: to being a black man and having male privileged Because
Speaker 1: when you're a man and you walk and just of
Speaker 1: a man, you're the world is norm to to us
Speaker 1: two men, you know what, it's just by default, and
Speaker 1: the world is critically unfair to women, um, you know,
Speaker 1: exponentially in a different way than it's unfair to men.
Speaker 1: The world's way more unfair to women. But when you
Speaker 1: don't have anyone telling you that that male perspective, you know,
Speaker 1: when you're sitting on the top, I could fall asleep
Speaker 1: in the car because I'm not afraid. You know, that's
Speaker 1: a form of male privilege, and you have a responsibility
Speaker 1: to kind of be able to look at that from
Speaker 1: that other perspective and say, oh, no, you know what, now,
Speaker 1: it ain't privilege. Oh you know what, No, I can
Speaker 1: see how you see that? Yep, Yeah, that's how you
Speaker 1: expand your awareness. Wow, that's dope. Here, let's some talk
Speaker 1: about your choice to become a therapist. I'm just intrigued
Speaker 1: by it because of course you're giving us a wealth
Speaker 1: of knowledge here, just based off of the conversation we've had.
Speaker 1: So fo. I'm literally sitting here just like you know,
Speaker 1: with my eyes wide open, just absorbing. Um. But it's
Speaker 1: not often that you see a black young man that's
Speaker 1: a therapist. What made you follow this, this this course
Speaker 1: of work? Yeah, I just so happened to be working
Speaker 1: at a school for students that had behavior issues. You know,
Speaker 1: these are these issues challenges, um, a lot of them.
Speaker 1: It was economic you know how that go when you're
Speaker 1: a little black boy, automatic special behavior issues. Um. But yeah,
Speaker 1: these students and I worked on special then, and they
Speaker 1: had these profound behavior challenges. And it was a group
Speaker 1: of clinicians, these black women. In my whole life, I
Speaker 1: thought a clinician was somebody who was clinicians another word
Speaker 1: of therapist. But I thought there was someone who stiffen. Oh,
Speaker 1: so how does that make you feel? You know, tell
Speaker 1: me more about you know, just really g rigid and
Speaker 1: goofy and making you feel nah, like they was wearing
Speaker 1: Legans and Jordan's during the session. I'm like, hold on
Speaker 1: a man, who are y'all? And you can see the
Speaker 1: change in these kids that came from the same neighborhood
Speaker 1: I came from, where your mama may not have the
Speaker 1: time to love on you the way she may want to,
Speaker 1: and the boys and the neighbor to pick on you.
Speaker 1: So you learn to talk with these a little bit
Speaker 1: more and it changes who you are. And you can
Speaker 1: see these clinicians chipping away of that. I'm like, damn
Speaker 1: that dope. And the closer I got to them, the
Speaker 1: more I started to fall in love with the craft.
Speaker 1: And I was just fortunate enough. I mean, y'all don't notice,
Speaker 1: but I earlier I was a rapper. I started off
Speaker 1: as a rapper. Then I was doing talent shows that
Speaker 1: I was doing battle raps down Howard University. So I
Speaker 1: was just lucky enough to figure out what I was
Speaker 1: good at and and what I like to do. It's
Speaker 1: not the same thing, and this just it's fell in
Speaker 1: the middle of those two things, and I just I
Speaker 1: fell into it, man, and it's just a part of
Speaker 1: who I am, not just what I do now. I
Speaker 1: want to. I want to applaud you because like you,
Speaker 1: I started out when I when I first retired, my
Speaker 1: brother worked at the District seventy five school. He still
Speaker 1: does with special like kids. Um a lot of kids
Speaker 1: who are bounced back from prison. So it's a lot
Speaker 1: of young dudes who done time who come back home,
Speaker 1: who are trying to figure out their life. They got
Speaker 1: to go to high school. But he and I both
Speaker 1: worked at Eagle Academy also, which was a middle school
Speaker 1: at the time that was sponsored by a hundred black men,
Speaker 1: and a lot of their programming was extremely rigid. But
Speaker 1: it was also it was kind of like like institutionalization
Speaker 1: of black men. Like they came out of the classroom,
Speaker 1: they had to walk to the right, they had to
Speaker 1: stay in a single foul line. To me, it looked
Speaker 1: like prison, but it was. It was trying to teach
Speaker 1: them structure. And one thing I noticed that there was
Speaker 1: not a lot of black men involved with their mental health.
Speaker 1: They brought black men in for athletics. They tried to
Speaker 1: bring in some teachers and some science teachers to give
Speaker 1: them the academic aspect, but when they came to mental health,
Speaker 1: it was all women. It was not a lot of
Speaker 1: black And I said to myself, you know, most of
Speaker 1: these kids want to talk to someone who can relate
Speaker 1: to them. They'll talk. They'll skip the therapists and come
Speaker 1: to the gym because that's what me and my brother
Speaker 1: is and they'll be like, yo, this is what I'm
Speaker 1: going through, and they'll be vulnerable and they're open up,
Speaker 1: and I a least I have have to say to myself,
Speaker 1: how come there aren't more black therapists I wanted to
Speaker 1: give you. I want to give your flowers now while
Speaker 1: you're here, because I follow you on Instagram. A lot
Speaker 1: of the stuff that you do. I think it's so
Speaker 1: far ahead of its time. It won't be recognized now,
Speaker 1: probably won't even be recognized five years from now. But
Speaker 1: you stay on this path, later on, they're gonna be
Speaker 1: looking back and being like, yo, this brother was a
Speaker 1: genius because he was doing this when no one else
Speaker 1: was doing this. And I think a lot of people
Speaker 1: are first taken back because like number one, you don't
Speaker 1: look like your typical therapists when you come and when
Speaker 1: I when I watch your videos, I'm not thinking this
Speaker 1: is a therapist talking to me. I'm thinking this is care,
Speaker 1: this is so when you speak from the right, what's
Speaker 1: what's the message. So I'm telling you, bro, when this,
Speaker 1: when this thing is all said and done, years from now,
Speaker 1: people are gonna say, remember that guy here, what he started.
Speaker 1: It's gonna become the norm because I can see how
Speaker 1: you change your lives in our group sessions. Your videos
Speaker 1: get passed around a lot in my my group chats
Speaker 1: with my boys, especially the ones who just got married
Speaker 1: and have kids. They'll send it to They'll send it
Speaker 1: and be like, this dude here is speaking my life
Speaker 1: right now on the Instagram, Bro. Because what you're doing
Speaker 1: is you're normalizing um black emotional awareness for man and
Speaker 1: emotional maturity. And I want to say, I appreciate you, bro,
Speaker 1: and thank you and keep going no matter what you
Speaker 1: have to keep going and doing it. Bro. You have
Speaker 1: no idea how many people you affecting. Bro, Seriously, that's amazing.
Speaker 1: I appreciate that. I think I don't have people who
Speaker 1: sometimes ask me in the interview, what do you want
Speaker 1: to do with this content? You got listeners right now
Speaker 1: like who is this dude? Man? But like it's it's
Speaker 1: people listen to the content and I don't know, man,
Speaker 1: just when they when I see him in personal love
Speaker 1: be crazy and it lets me know that people are
Speaker 1: getting value. But when they asked me, I don't have
Speaker 1: a grand scheme. I just want people to have a
Speaker 1: resource with black men. The conversation with therapy. Everybody always
Speaker 1: asked me, why don't black men go to therapy? For one,
Speaker 1: I don't think that's true, But why why don't black
Speaker 1: men go to therapy? Why don't black men responding to therapy?
Speaker 1: And it's like, you gotta understand black man's relationship with therapy.
Speaker 1: When it's introduced, it's usually it's gonna be by a
Speaker 1: woman in your life nine times out of ten. And
Speaker 1: it may come across is what is go fix something
Speaker 1: that is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?
Speaker 1: Go see this person to confirm all the things that
Speaker 1: I'm already implying is wrong with you. Who wants to
Speaker 1: do that? So I didn't look at it like that.
Speaker 1: You're absolutely right, And it is usually coming from a woman. Yes,
Speaker 1: the woman's dragging you to therapy with to confirm that
Speaker 1: she's right about the things that you're dealing with. It
Speaker 1: has this much of a viewpoint or but it's affecting
Speaker 1: her this much. So it's it's complicated and I just
Speaker 1: want to be a hug in a source. So as
Speaker 1: long as I'm giving you man care. It's funny because
Speaker 1: you said people are probably listening like, who is this dude?
Speaker 1: I actually put up a poll on our Instagram page
Speaker 1: for the podcast and I said, you know what, guys,
Speaker 1: we want to know who do you want us to
Speaker 1: to to interview? Who do you want to be a
Speaker 1: guest on the show? Give me some topics. We had
Speaker 1: a ton of people saying care games. So you may
Speaker 1: think that people are out there not recognizing your work
Speaker 1: and seeing what you're doing, but we had a ton
Speaker 1: of people and this is before we already had you already, Yeah,
Speaker 1: we hadn't. We had you on the calendar for a while.
Speaker 1: The biggest thing is we wanted to We wanted to
Speaker 1: have you and your wife in to do an in
Speaker 1: person because I hate doing zooms. I feel like the
Speaker 1: one person. But after a while it was like, man,
Speaker 1: we got to stop the laying and get this brother
Speaker 1: on here. Because I tell you, bro, if I could
Speaker 1: just show you my d M s about how many
Speaker 1: men are hurting and dealing with emotional awareness, and I
Speaker 1: wish it was a larger platform, you know, and most
Speaker 1: men run to, like what you said, the freight train
Speaker 1: of what they're used to seeing. I don't feel comfortable
Speaker 1: with what's happening inside of me, so let me just
Speaker 1: go emulate someone who looks masculine. Man, Bro, you know
Speaker 1: how that is when they try to do that, and
Speaker 1: that don't make you feel no better? Now, you like
Speaker 1: what's next? Like, you know, I'm not really a man
Speaker 1: if I feel uncomfortable in this space. So, Bro, I
Speaker 1: I hope, I hope and pray that your platform continues
Speaker 1: to I'm not gonna hope. It's gonna grow, Bro, It's
Speaker 1: gonna and it's gonna be. It's gonna become the norm.
Speaker 1: I got four boys. You know how much me and
Speaker 1: my boys talk about We talk about emotional maturity and
Speaker 1: controlling awareness all the time, all the time. Sports. That's
Speaker 1: all we ever talk about. Bro, that's that's so smarter.
Speaker 1: I'll give your flowers to y'all leagual parents. I don't
Speaker 1: a lot of things, and a lot of times people
Speaker 1: think that you're a good parent because of what you
Speaker 1: do for your kids. Like the house that y'all live in,
Speaker 1: Like it's nice, but that don't make you pass, you know, right? No, absolutely,
Speaker 1: let me tell you about what the hell they just
Speaker 1: broke over there? What did they break? They broke something
Speaker 1: on the event to the floor. Kids gonna crash this
Speaker 1: house up and mash it up. But it's just a place.
Speaker 1: It's just a place. But it's it's yes intentionality that
Speaker 1: you're putting a parent there in the fourth thought, in
Speaker 1: the way that y'all work together. And I can tell
Speaker 1: about how transparent you all are about your marriage. I
Speaker 1: can only imagine what it looks like on the in side.
Speaker 1: That's a beautiful space for people to grow in. That
Speaker 1: is a oh. I have so many clients. I wish
Speaker 1: they could grow in a space like that. Fertiles saw you.
Speaker 1: They're just making an awesome human beings. So y'all are
Speaker 1: doing an incredible job. Man, We appreciate that. But I
Speaker 1: do have one I have one more question before we
Speaker 1: let you go, because we running out of time. So
Speaker 1: one thing is that the intentionality people are noticing. We
Speaker 1: have four boys. I'm teaching my boys to be emotionally
Speaker 1: aware so they can be good life partners as well
Speaker 1: as being good human beings if they choose to be married.
Speaker 1: They may grow up and say I don't want to
Speaker 1: be married. That's on them because marriage isn't for everyone.
Speaker 1: But how how is it for you as a dad
Speaker 1: teaching that intentionality to your daughters. I know what it's
Speaker 1: like to teach a boy. And we talked about privilege, right,
Speaker 1: male privilege. I talked to my sons about male privilege
Speaker 1: and understanding what women have to go through. Um, we
Speaker 1: always talk about protecting the queen. And Jackson is ten
Speaker 1: years old now and he has a little girl that
Speaker 1: the two of them are interested in each other, and
Speaker 1: he brought her something for Valentine's Day. Cadeine made sure
Speaker 1: he went to them all and did the right things
Speaker 1: and was very respectful. But we always say we hope
Speaker 1: that people are taking the same intentionality with their daughters,
Speaker 1: because my sons are gonna be looking to spend life
Speaker 1: with someone's daughter. How is it trying to teach that
Speaker 1: intentionality to a young black girl? Damn, that's good question. Um,
Speaker 1: it's it's it's it's I think it's more challenging for
Speaker 1: me because I just didn't have anything outside of my
Speaker 1: male perspective for a long time, so I was looking
Speaker 1: at her as a girl through a male's perspective, and
Speaker 1: that was really hard to take off. Um, and then
Speaker 1: I started noticing our going stores and I see, you know,
Speaker 1: the boys shirt say scientists or a builder or something strong,
Speaker 1: and the girls don't say fashiony stuff, you know, like
Speaker 1: right right right, right, right right right. So for me,
Speaker 1: I think I'm I'm lifting from another side. It's it's
Speaker 1: it's fun getting to see her interact with the world
Speaker 1: and have the little lessons that I teach her, But
Speaker 1: it's also terrifying because I was a boy. I know
Speaker 1: those conversations look like when nobody's around. And I also
Speaker 1: know that if you're a boy or a man who
Speaker 1: was critically unaware of self, you can hurt a lot
Speaker 1: of people would never see it as damage. So it's
Speaker 1: challenges for me because I feel like I'm giving my
Speaker 1: six year with the keys. You know what I'm saying, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're a bomb driving, But it's the other people out
Speaker 1: on the road that we got worried, right That is
Speaker 1: parenthood and the nutshell, I'm always worried about everybody else.
Speaker 1: We Oh my gosh, that what you just said, that
Speaker 1: was that was that was a message. That was a
Speaker 1: message because we we talked about this all the time.
Speaker 1: I'm working my hardest to make the best human possible,
Speaker 1: to make the best decisions, But in my heart, I'm
Speaker 1: still concerned about all the billions of people in the world.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying that might hurt my children exactly.
Speaker 1: Like we joked, We joked about it, but I lokey
Speaker 1: might be a little bit serious about Like I understand
Speaker 1: why people have arranged marriages, for example, like cultures do
Speaker 1: it because it's just like you can just foresee sometimes,
Speaker 1: like you know, there's a great family with that's raising
Speaker 1: a great person, and you have another great family raising
Speaker 1: a great person. They're coming from great stock. It's like,
Speaker 1: let's get these two people together. You know. You know
Speaker 1: it's funny. He said something that when you when you
Speaker 1: live in a place of male privilege, you can walk
Speaker 1: around hurting people not realizing that you're doing damage. Right,
Speaker 1: And I had told one of my boys who had
Speaker 1: a daughter. I said, listen, if I had a girl,
Speaker 1: I probably would be more in line with doing an
Speaker 1: arranged marriage because I want to know the parents and
Speaker 1: know that they raised an emotionally aware son that's gonna
Speaker 1: take care of my daughter. Because I fear. I would
Speaker 1: fear that somebody's son would do damage to my daughter
Speaker 1: because of male privilege. And I think that what what
Speaker 1: you just said, that that's almost my my moment of truth.
Speaker 1: Like we as people have to be aware that if
Speaker 1: you are raising boys, that male privilege can do damage
Speaker 1: to other people without them knowing. And if you're raising daughters,
Speaker 1: you have to be aware that they can be damaged
Speaker 1: by someone who doesn't know they're doing damage. So let's
Speaker 1: work on on working that problem out as opposed to
Speaker 1: pointing the finger and blaming. Let's get to the root
Speaker 1: of it, no doubt. And men have to be men,
Speaker 1: the boys too, because it's cute when you're ten year
Speaker 1: old son has a girl he likes. But on the
Speaker 1: other side, oh, attend your old boy brought you some flowers.
Speaker 1: Let me go get my gun, you know, and like,
Speaker 1: what are you doing? Because I'll be that mom. But
Speaker 1: it shows the lack of grace that even men have
Speaker 1: other men. So it's that's true. You know, you can't
Speaker 1: control that boy that can harm her, but you can
Speaker 1: have a conversation with you know, you can. Don't wait,
Speaker 1: come inside and talk to me for a minute and
Speaker 1: get to get to see who he is as a
Speaker 1: young man, as a human being, you know, see if
Speaker 1: you can give him a little bit encouragement. You don't
Speaker 1: know what he got going on at home, but what
Speaker 1: his deafences are. Uh So, it's it's a lot there,
Speaker 1: it's a lot. I think it's also to just having
Speaker 1: that openness as parents now, Like I think about the
Speaker 1: way I was raised to it's like, you know, my
Speaker 1: mom and dad weren't trying to hear nothing about me
Speaker 1: bringing no boy, no how nowhere you know, we're married,
Speaker 1: and they still be like, I don't know about this
Speaker 1: guy over here. But just having that openness and not
Speaker 1: just being so quick to be like no, no, no.
Speaker 1: I think having those conversations now, even if we know
Speaker 1: with something innocent and they tend you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: But even when they're coming to you know, for problem,
Speaker 1: when he's sixteen and seventeen, I would appreciate the family
Speaker 1: that wants to know who my son is making that
Speaker 1: introduction instead of just you know, oh, let me go
Speaker 1: get uncle such and such and such and such to
Speaker 1: intimidate him so he feels like he can't even be
Speaker 1: himself in this space, you know. So look at that
Speaker 1: perspective about listening up, getting my little Joe back after
Speaker 1: the kids and sucked me dry. Lord, can't forget the points.
Speaker 1: Can't forget the points. Um, So here, I know you've
Speaker 1: got a lot going on with the with the baby,
Speaker 1: with the babies on the other side. Um, do you
Speaker 1: have a couple more minutes to join us for listening
Speaker 1: letters or do you gotta dip? Yeah, we got two
Speaker 1: quick listening letters. Yeah, yeah, we go, we go cheek,
Speaker 1: we go chee. All right, cool, so let's um take
Speaker 1: a quick break. We're gonna pay some bills and come
Speaker 1: back to have care give his two cents with a
Speaker 1: listening letters. So you're gonna have a totalist six cents. Okay,
Speaker 1: six of them. We'll be back. All right, We're back
Speaker 1: listening letter time. We're gonna dive right in. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get into the first one. We'll go ahead and read that,
Speaker 1: and then here, since you're our special guest today, you
Speaker 1: can give your um, your perspective or some advice to
Speaker 1: our writer in today. UM, love you guys and listen
Speaker 1: to you all the time. What do you do when
Speaker 1: your husband is constantly pissing you off? I'm always upset
Speaker 1: at my husband for petty things, and I can't let go,
Speaker 1: and we'll always go days without talking to him. I
Speaker 1: just can't let it go, and we'll be angry for days,
Speaker 1: which I think is toxic. Ya think how do you
Speaker 1: deal with petty arguments? So this falls under one of
Speaker 1: the four horsemen of behaviors. UM. This one is called stonewalling.
Speaker 1: Stonewalling is when you intentionally wall yourself from a person verbally,
Speaker 1: UM emotionally, however, you just create space between you and
Speaker 1: that person with silence, with distance. Uh. One thing that
Speaker 1: you can do. One other times, when I won't give
Speaker 1: you advice, I'll tell you what I see. When couples
Speaker 1: come in and they have this problem a lot, it
Speaker 1: usually comes from one party, usually the most disturbed party,
Speaker 1: not explaining. Uh. There their tips in a way one
Speaker 1: that their partner can understand, uh, in a way that
Speaker 1: doesn't make them feel accused or blame more minimized. And too,
Speaker 1: they don't really explain it as well as they think. Uh. Example,
Speaker 1: if you're a teacher, because that's you're teaching people how
Speaker 1: to treat you, you're teaching your husband what you're wanting.
Speaker 1: What sets you when you're a teacher, your student doesn't
Speaker 1: get the message. Sometimes this is hard for people to take,
Speaker 1: but sometimes you have to explain it to day. It's
Speaker 1: the teacher's job to change the message, to make sure
Speaker 1: the student is picking it up the way they're putting
Speaker 1: it down. If you can recognize that it's petty, I
Speaker 1: think that's awesome. That means you recognize as a conflict
Speaker 1: you should be doing and what you're actually doing. Uh.
Speaker 1: Number one, I would say I'd recommend therapy, individual therapy.
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna recommend complish individual because that's a
Speaker 1: problem that you have beyond your husband. He's just in
Speaker 1: front of you, and um, I recommen therapy. And to
Speaker 1: uh start writing down, journal right down all the things
Speaker 1: he does to piss you off. Write them down, Write
Speaker 1: them down free form, just for like an hour, sit
Speaker 1: down with coffee. Just write them down, write them down,
Speaker 1: and let's start to look at them and see if
Speaker 1: they have any similarities, see if there any consist You
Speaker 1: can see these things and they ask yourself, what about
Speaker 1: this thing that he does upsets me the most? Is
Speaker 1: it the way it makes me feel? Is it the
Speaker 1: way I think he looks at me? Does it say
Speaker 1: something about that. Do I not feel loved? Doing I
Speaker 1: feel supported? Try to get to the bottom of the
Speaker 1: way you feel. That's pretty good, because I'm wondering when
Speaker 1: she said he just pisces her off. Is it something
Speaker 1: simple and petty, like I don't like the way this
Speaker 1: nig is chewing today. He's making too much noise chewing
Speaker 1: or is it actually like very personally that's how you be.
Speaker 1: She cares, she's a she's a people watcher, and every
Speaker 1: time I eat, she just real quiet, her eyes get big,
Speaker 1: and she's just be looking at me like you over
Speaker 1: person to talk to because I'm people watch it too,
Speaker 1: and I hate people chewing. Man, Thank you? How am
Speaker 1: I supposed to get the food down? You want me
Speaker 1: to deep throat the food? Pause like I gotta chew
Speaker 1: that motherfucker first and then swallow it like a goose.
Speaker 1: That's what she wants. She wants to take a bite. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I also need you to be like Edward the
Speaker 1: Cow when at the same time, you know, I'm we're
Speaker 1: in the movies, I'm eating nachos, and I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: doing everything she wants me to do. I'm wrapping my
Speaker 1: lips around the whole chip, but the chip crunches because
Speaker 1: it's a nacho. Every time I bite down, I hear
Speaker 1: her go. I'm like, what do you do? Do you
Speaker 1: lick your nacho to make it soft first before you
Speaker 1: chew it? Like, what do you do to your nacho?
Speaker 1: Certain foods that need to be exempt from movie theaters?
Speaker 1: Nachos is one of them. Like, just don't do it,
Speaker 1: but I love them with the llapeno she gets. She
Speaker 1: gets nachos every time I know how to chew it. Yo,
Speaker 1: you cheating? Me would loud, but I just don't be
Speaker 1: annoyed by petty here. This is this is my life, bro,
Speaker 1: this is my life here, this is Come on, buy
Speaker 1: one of these good old days. You get living color
Speaker 1: all right on its number two. I think that was
Speaker 1: some pretty sound advice, though, right, I'm not going after
Speaker 1: after he give them advice. I'm not going after you.
Speaker 1: I'm saying, you can read the second you want me
Speaker 1: to read the second one the second. We're splittings today,
Speaker 1: Dear Codeine and de Vo, y'all are true inspirations. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. I pray that me and my man
Speaker 1: can get as far as y'all are to keep working
Speaker 1: y'all A be further. We are still fresh, just making
Speaker 1: a year. Although we knew each other over five years.
Speaker 1: When we officially got together, we automatically clicked. Things happened
Speaker 1: so quickly. Now we live with each other and we
Speaker 1: have a new born. I was already two kids in
Speaker 1: when he came in the picture, so now he's also
Speaker 1: considering them his kids as well. That's amazing. I know
Speaker 1: this sounds good and sounds like no reason for me
Speaker 1: to write, y'all, But now I will address the reason
Speaker 1: for me writing, y'all. We both grew up different, so
Speaker 1: he has his ways. He sees and does things, and
Speaker 1: he catches a big attitude when these things, when things
Speaker 1: are not done the way he wants them, when it's
Speaker 1: not even necessary to have one. He also has this
Speaker 1: ego where he thinks he's better than people, and he
Speaker 1: does it to me in arguments. He says he's not
Speaker 1: saying it to hurt me, but to help me. He's
Speaker 1: the only person to say what he is saying to me,
Speaker 1: so I look at it as it's his issue. He
Speaker 1: is a great loyal guy and we have a good connection.
Speaker 1: His temperament is his biggest flaw and I blame it
Speaker 1: on his childhood. He doesn't know how to use his
Speaker 1: words when he's angry, and it pisces me off. How
Speaker 1: can I help him express himself without so much anger
Speaker 1: and hurtfulness, so without greater context into their relationship. That's
Speaker 1: really hard at that set because she said a lot,
Speaker 1: thank you for that, but I'm sure there's a lot
Speaker 1: that wasn't said as well, just because you can't squish
Speaker 1: the whole relationship into an email. Um, I don't know
Speaker 1: a viable way to get through to someone who has
Speaker 1: childhood trauma that impacts their functioning in a relationship that
Speaker 1: severely without therapy, and I don't know another intervention. Maybe
Speaker 1: the closest would be a very close group of friends
Speaker 1: to have an intervention with him, but they would have
Speaker 1: to see the problem the same way she does for
Speaker 1: it to be solved to her satisfactions. That wouldn't work. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna stick with therapy, I think in that's hard
Speaker 1: to get someone to go to therapy. I'm sure there
Speaker 1: will be a reluctance. My best advice would be one
Speaker 1: of the one of the best ways to get someone
Speaker 1: go to therapy is to go to therapy. Yourself to
Speaker 1: start therapy, go to the sessions and have that and
Speaker 1: just let it be a thing in casual conversation, let them,
Speaker 1: let them you could bring up the things you've come across,
Speaker 1: your aha mo moments. They'll see the change in you.
Speaker 1: That's one of the biggest kindles to have another person
Speaker 1: go to individual therapy is for them to see the
Speaker 1: change in you. I'm sure you expected like a quick
Speaker 1: fixed answer. There's no quick fix in that situation. You
Speaker 1: don't grow through child childhood trauma if you don't address it,
Speaker 1: you just grow around it, right, I mean, no, this
Speaker 1: is exactly what we talked about. We get a lot
Speaker 1: of these listener letters and the first thing we say
Speaker 1: is all the time like, dang, I wish I had
Speaker 1: more context. I don't know how to help you. Of course,
Speaker 1: if I'm only hearing one perspective, um, it would be
Speaker 1: better if couples created or drafted an email together so
Speaker 1: we could understand both perspectives. But typically is one person
Speaker 1: and a lot of times it's us trying to guess
Speaker 1: and say, well, what came first to chicken over the egg?
Speaker 1: You know, like how did this start? So I'm not
Speaker 1: I actually appreciate that answer because it's a tangible answer.
Speaker 1: There's no abstract thought of what if it's here? Mama,
Speaker 1: you want to see change with him, how about going
Speaker 1: to therapy so he can recognize the changing you and
Speaker 1: hopefully that will help him. I actually like that idea. Yeah, definitely,
Speaker 1: I think that's dope. Care you won't come back and
Speaker 1: talk to us. We had a couple more seasons to do.
Speaker 1: We also got the live show, the live show, Live
Speaker 1: show to sum of y'all, y'all heard it first? Where
Speaker 1: you based that again? I forget what'd you say where
Speaker 1: you based? I'm in d C, but I moved around. So,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, we're doing a live show in DC. We're
Speaker 1: gonna do a d shown. You're definitely gonna have We
Speaker 1: definitely gonna have you on a live show in DC.
Speaker 1: That gains I love it, I love it. I love it. Well, brother,
Speaker 1: We thank you for your time. We don't want to
Speaker 1: hold you up anymore. I know you've got them girls
Speaker 1: waiting for you on that you know behind the zoom um.
Speaker 1: But we're so happy that we had a chance to
Speaker 1: chat with you today. And just I was very I
Speaker 1: think I gained a lot, just listening to you guys talk.
Speaker 1: This is almost like a guy session that I kind
Speaker 1: of had, you know again on So I appreciate you
Speaker 1: being here, taking the time to chat with us. I
Speaker 1: know our viewers and our listeners are going to be
Speaker 1: super excited to hear that we got Mr care Gains. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I love it, Thank you, thank you me? Uh well,
Speaker 1: how do you say it? A long time listen to
Speaker 1: first time called that love of pod. You're do an
Speaker 1: amazing job. I love it For people who may not
Speaker 1: know who you are. Y'all better get on it, okay
Speaker 1: because you're late. I tell them where they can find you.
Speaker 1: Your handles, all your all your things. You got going
Speaker 1: on for sure, so you can find me on Twitter, Instagram.
Speaker 1: And I don't really do TikTok. Let's just do Twitter
Speaker 1: and Instagram. At Care games r gains some family content,
Speaker 1: a lot of mental health content, taking big perspectives and
Speaker 1: making them work for you. Stop by with love to Happy.
Speaker 1: It's the dope community. Bro. I'm gonna tell you this.
Speaker 1: I love you, no pause, black man, the black man Bro.
Speaker 1: I love you man. I love you too, man, I
Speaker 1: love you too, and I love the both of y'all
Speaker 1: and everything, y'all represent people. I was like, oh man,
Speaker 1: you need to meet the vow Alice. I'm like, I
Speaker 1: already know them. Tell them this is what we do.
Speaker 1: I love it. Give my love to the girls, and no, Mammy,
Speaker 1: we'd love to have y'all too, maybe back for a
Speaker 1: couple of situations. Definitely, definitely we both out of postpartum woods. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: she would love that. We will both love that conversation.
Speaker 1: All right, y'all. If you want to be featured as
Speaker 1: one of our listener letters you want to do, email
Speaker 1: us at dead Advice at gmail dot com. That's d
Speaker 1: E A d A S s A d V I
Speaker 1: c E because says I always leave off the E
Speaker 1: because I say see at gmail dot com. That was
Speaker 1: a great conversation. Sidebar. I was just sitting back here
Speaker 1: just watching the tool, y'all, like this is great. I
Speaker 1: almost feel like I was a fly on the wall
Speaker 1: on the Men's episode almost, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Because it's going on here is like a wealth of
Speaker 1: knowledge sharing his dope. Um. He has a great I
Speaker 1: can feel the rapper come out of him when he
Speaker 1: starts to talk because he's he's also a performer, so
Speaker 1: he's engaging, yes, and it's conviction. He's super intelligent. He
Speaker 1: doesn't waste any words, which is great when you have
Speaker 1: something a guest on. But my moment of truth is this,
Speaker 1: as a man, understanding your privilege in the world and
Speaker 1: understanding that under everything comes down to perspectives will allow
Speaker 1: you to be a lot more emotionally mature because then
Speaker 1: you can sit down and try to listen to what
Speaker 1: people are saying and just understanding where they're coming from
Speaker 1: on their side as opposed to being so defensive. And
Speaker 1: it's difficult for black men because when you say privilege,
Speaker 1: black men often say, I have not been privileged in America,
Speaker 1: which is true, I have not been privileged in the world.
Speaker 1: But when you're speaking to your spouse, you're significant other,
Speaker 1: who's a woman, you have to understand that when it
Speaker 1: comes to males and females, males have been walking around
Speaker 1: with a ton of privilege regardless of whatever race or
Speaker 1: ethnicity you you see yourself as. So I think that
Speaker 1: all of us as men need to start understanding and
Speaker 1: accepting that when we walk. When we talk about emotional maturity,
Speaker 1: I love that and um and talking about emotional maturity
Speaker 1: and being a black woman who loves on a black
Speaker 1: man and who is raising black men, UM, black boys
Speaker 1: who will be black men. UM. I want to continue
Speaker 1: to encourage black women to be the safe space for
Speaker 1: men to be able to open up and to express
Speaker 1: how they feel. And I know I've in the past
Speaker 1: had mentioned sometimes like, oh, you're telling me how you feel.
Speaker 1: It's like you're bitching and moaning, But it's not necessarily
Speaker 1: a bit or a moan. Is that you're actually opening
Speaker 1: up to me. And I should appreciate and we should
Speaker 1: appreciate when our men are attempting to open up and
Speaker 1: say how they feel, not making them feel um less than,
Speaker 1: or not making them feel as if they're inadequate, or
Speaker 1: not making them feel that they cannot open up, because
Speaker 1: that's what we've been begging for for so long. So
Speaker 1: embracing that when our men are deciding to open up
Speaker 1: to us, to let them know, let us know how
Speaker 1: they feel. All right, I'm talking to my baby. I
Speaker 1: love you all right, sounds good, y'all? All right? I
Speaker 1: felt like my I came to eat for this episode.
Speaker 1: I feel full. I feel full, all right. UM. Be
Speaker 1: sure to follow us on social media, y'all, um Kire
Speaker 1: told you where to find him, but you can find
Speaker 1: us dead as the Podcast on Instagram and all the
Speaker 1: things um Cadene I am and I am devout And
Speaker 1: if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe. Dead Ass is a production of I
Speaker 1: Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by The Noor
Speaker 1: Opinion and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at
Speaker 1: dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing