1
00:00:01,160 --> 00:00:08,000
Speaker 1: Believe it or not, Babe, men have feelings too. Absolutely

2
00:00:10,119 --> 00:00:15,680
Speaker 1: here you see you, acknowledge you. And sometimes I just

3
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,479
Speaker 1: be so in my feelings that I don't even be

4
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:22,400
Speaker 1: knowing what I'm feeling, but I'm feeling something dead as

5
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:30,160
Speaker 1: dead as hey. I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You

6
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,720
Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys

7
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:37,040
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

8
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:40,800
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one

9
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,080
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We

10
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,200
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's

11
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:50,760
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk

12
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,120
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead

13
00:00:53,159 --> 00:00:55,280
Speaker 1: adds is the term that we say every day. So

14
00:00:55,320 --> 00:01:00,280
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

15
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,920
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about

16
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:07,480
Speaker 1: to take pillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead

17
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:12,839
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. So this story time is gonna

18
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:18,200
Speaker 1: take me back to three days ago and I was

19
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:22,040
Speaker 1: coming into the garage and KaDee was walking out of

20
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,640
Speaker 1: the garage and she just rubbed my chest real quick,

21
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,360
Speaker 1: and she looked at me, and she said what's the matter, Like,

22
00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,479
Speaker 1: what's wrong with you? And I was like nothing, nothing,

23
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,960
Speaker 1: I'm good, I'm good. Walk past and she came up

24
00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:36,720
Speaker 1: behind me. While she was I was just making my

25
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,039
Speaker 1: plate for food or whatever. So I rubbed the back

26
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,000
Speaker 1: of my neck and she was just like, what's what's wrong?

27
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,160
Speaker 1: I can tell something's wrong. And I was like, can

28
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:47,360
Speaker 1: I be honest for a second and she was like yeah,

29
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:52,720
Speaker 1: And I was like, I missed my girlfriend. And she

30
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,040
Speaker 1: was like what, Like what am I not doing? What

31
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:57,800
Speaker 1: do you mean what am I not doing? And I

32
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,840
Speaker 1: was just like, you're not not doing anything, like you

33
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,800
Speaker 1: You're just not not doing anything You're doing. The problem

34
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:09,120
Speaker 1: is you're doing all of the things. But um, I

35
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,639
Speaker 1: explained to her that I had to I'm learning how

36
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,840
Speaker 1: to reconcile with the fact that I have to share

37
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:19,320
Speaker 1: her right not only with four kids, but I have

38
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,440
Speaker 1: to share her with her mom. Then I have to

39
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,800
Speaker 1: share her with her dad. Then this is a new

40
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,560
Speaker 1: thing for us where her her brother and sister are

41
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,760
Speaker 1: no longer with us every day like we used to be.

42
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:31,960
Speaker 1: So when they come and visit, I got to share

43
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,280
Speaker 1: her with them. Then I got to share her with

44
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:40,120
Speaker 1: work and that should be whacked to me sometimes like

45
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:44,440
Speaker 1: it just it just be whack. I don't feel like sharing.

46
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:49,480
Speaker 1: And Codeine instantly went into girlfriend o. She said, I

47
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,320
Speaker 1: hate you, babe, my get it right. So she leaves,

48
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:54,080
Speaker 1: comes back. She has on my favorite red shorts, the

49
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:56,839
Speaker 1: co wed shorts and the crop top, and then while

50
00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,880
Speaker 1: we're eating, she's just sitting on my lap while we eat,

51
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,040
Speaker 1: And in that moment, it just felt like, yeah, this

52
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,480
Speaker 1: like this is just what I felt like. I felt

53
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:11,760
Speaker 1: like I wasn't being seen. But I learned to express

54
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,680
Speaker 1: that in real time so that we can deal with

55
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:18,280
Speaker 1: it in real time as opposed to trying to harness

56
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,560
Speaker 1: it inside somewhere and then find a way to just

57
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:25,160
Speaker 1: suppress it. Sounds good. I love real time because we've learned.

58
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:28,320
Speaker 1: I think over the years that nothing good comes from

59
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:33,079
Speaker 1: festering at all. Shout out to my man, Hope. This

60
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,000
Speaker 1: is some spoken word that he said and wanted his

61
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:39,920
Speaker 1: song as the Blueprint two album. Yes see if you'll

62
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:44,920
Speaker 1: know this song, see if you know this song, I see.

63
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:51,760
Speaker 1: I said, jealousy, I said, got the whole family mad

64
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:56,640
Speaker 1: at me? I said, Then b I said, devout, remind

65
00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:02,280
Speaker 1: yourself nobody built like you. You just sign yourself. I

66
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:06,160
Speaker 1: see no, I agree, I said, my one of a

67
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:11,440
Speaker 1: kind self getting stoned every day like Jesus Dad. Then

68
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,960
Speaker 1: b I said, you know what's the end of it, ship,

69
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,880
Speaker 1: I always be forgetting. I always forget the worst. You

70
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:20,520
Speaker 1: have to say, the right being not I changed a

71
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,520
Speaker 1: couple of words to what be I said, has been

72
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:28,560
Speaker 1: said before. Keep doing your thing, he said, say no more.

73
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,440
Speaker 1: That always resonated with me because it was it was

74
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:36,120
Speaker 1: a constant reminder that you do design yourself right. And

75
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,120
Speaker 1: there's a partner where he doesn't say I got the

76
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,120
Speaker 1: whole family, mad at me, I say I got the

77
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,320
Speaker 1: whole industry. Mad at me, I said. Anytime you decide

78
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:47,559
Speaker 1: to move differently than everybody else, they get mad. People

79
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,599
Speaker 1: in control get upset because you're moving differently. Is a

80
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,479
Speaker 1: reminder to all the other people that they've already got

81
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,000
Speaker 1: to fall in line. Is that I don't have to

82
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,480
Speaker 1: move this way, And if this person can move this

83
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:03,440
Speaker 1: way and be successful, I might try something different. And

84
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,200
Speaker 1: um that song were the world said. That song resonated

85
00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:10,800
Speaker 1: with me in this instant because in the beginning it

86
00:05:10,839 --> 00:05:13,360
Speaker 1: says I see I said jealousy, I said, got the

87
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,040
Speaker 1: whole family mad at me. I said, it kind of

88
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:19,880
Speaker 1: reminded me sometimes, like how I don't mind sharing you

89
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:24,520
Speaker 1: with the family, but sometimes I get jealous. I see,

90
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,359
Speaker 1: I said jealousy, I said, you know what I'm saying.

91
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,960
Speaker 1: And then when I when I try to reel you

92
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,880
Speaker 1: back in or bring you back in, it's almost like

93
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,599
Speaker 1: the family gets mad at me. You know what I'm saying, like, oh,

94
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,360
Speaker 1: your mom me going on date night? You know that's

95
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:42,400
Speaker 1: kind of and it's like man like, I'm trying to reconcile.

96
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:47,440
Speaker 1: But um, also it's a constant reminder that, um, you know,

97
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,760
Speaker 1: I agree. I said, my one of a concept get

98
00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:52,960
Speaker 1: stoned every day like Jesus did. It's like when you're

99
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:56,600
Speaker 1: so different that other people can't recognize you, the first

100
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,599
Speaker 1: thing they want to do is throw stones. And what

101
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:04,320
Speaker 1: we're gonn to talk about today is normalizing masculine men

102
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,200
Speaker 1: talking about their feelings in real time and not feeling

103
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:12,280
Speaker 1: like Jesus and getting stoned because they're walking a different wall.

104
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:18,080
Speaker 1: Dive in with a special guest. Let's pay some bills first, though,

105
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,880
Speaker 1: we're gonna do that, We're gonna come back, We'll finish

106
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,839
Speaker 1: up some story time and then we'll introduce our special

107
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:32,560
Speaker 1: guest today. Boom, all right, we're back. It's funny because

108
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,839
Speaker 1: when you said three days ago, I was like, what

109
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,720
Speaker 1: happened three days ago that we got a story about?

110
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,560
Speaker 1: Because you know, there's always something to talk about in

111
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,440
Speaker 1: this house. Um, but yeah, you know what, It's funny

112
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,240
Speaker 1: you said that when I when you mentioned that you

113
00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:44,039
Speaker 1: were feeling some kind of way about something or you

114
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:47,280
Speaker 1: just looked a little down, I instantly always looked to

115
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,440
Speaker 1: myself and be like, Okay, what did I do or

116
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:52,719
Speaker 1: not do to potentially put him in a funk? And

117
00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:55,119
Speaker 1: I know you've been talking to me more recently about

118
00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:57,839
Speaker 1: it's not necessarily just something I've done or not done.

119
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,800
Speaker 1: It just maybe something that you're feeling in that moment,

120
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:04,200
Speaker 1: and I have to find a way to not necessarily

121
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,719
Speaker 1: talk you out of feeling that way, or just saying babe,

122
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,720
Speaker 1: you should not feel that way, but acknowledging that you

123
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,640
Speaker 1: feel a way about something, and then furthering discuss why

124
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,280
Speaker 1: you may feel like that. You know, Um, I think

125
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,280
Speaker 1: far too many times in the past I've just always

126
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,320
Speaker 1: tried to find a way to remedy it or find

127
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:23,440
Speaker 1: a way to explain why I may have done something

128
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,880
Speaker 1: to make you feel a way, um, and explaining my

129
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,800
Speaker 1: reasonings for that, um, and so many times and times

130
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,760
Speaker 1: again you just kind of had to shake me and

131
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,720
Speaker 1: say uh but so many words without putting your hands

132
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,000
Speaker 1: on me. But you're just like, hey, I just need

133
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,160
Speaker 1: you to understand where I'm coming from and how I

134
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,480
Speaker 1: feel in this moment. So we're gonna talk today about

135
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,720
Speaker 1: opening up a little bit more and being receptive to

136
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:49,320
Speaker 1: our men when they want to express themselves. Right, um, yeah,

137
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,360
Speaker 1: So let me go ahead and just jump right into

138
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,880
Speaker 1: it now. In a recent viral moment with Lauren Lyndon,

139
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,680
Speaker 1: she says, so we're all going to get chin checked

140
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,200
Speaker 1: by life one way or the other, so I might

141
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,560
Speaker 1: as well focus on my enlightenment and roll with the

142
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,240
Speaker 1: river and not fight the rocks. A sentiment that I

143
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,720
Speaker 1: think we can all relate to at some point or

144
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:14,200
Speaker 1: the other. She got that from Bruce Leeter crash water

145
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:18,560
Speaker 1: flow like water did Cairo? Did he quote that recently?

146
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,760
Speaker 1: My baby's obsessed with Bruce Lee just so y'all know.

147
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,400
Speaker 1: But anyway, that's sometimes easier said than done. Right in reality,

148
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,760
Speaker 1: how do we deal with those emotions when life gets tough.

149
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:33,199
Speaker 1: So we brought in the homie today to chat with us.

150
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,520
Speaker 1: Mr ker Gains, a license mental health therapist who uses

151
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:41,040
Speaker 1: his platform to help us figure out all the things

152
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,560
Speaker 1: all right. Here shares with us his knowledge as a

153
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,920
Speaker 1: therapist and his experience as a husband and father of

154
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:51,079
Speaker 1: two baby girls to relate to people in all stages

155
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:54,160
Speaker 1: of their process. And he is here to talk to

156
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,560
Speaker 1: us today. Brother kier, how are you big up yourself? Bro?

157
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:05,600
Speaker 1: Big up yourself? Listen. The last time we saw you

158
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:09,360
Speaker 1: was at the Dad Gang Awards, right, And I think

159
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,400
Speaker 1: at that time I was pregnant, but I don't think

160
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:15,719
Speaker 1: I told anyone yet, but I think, yeah, and here

161
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,160
Speaker 1: your wife was pregnant also or you had just recently

162
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,440
Speaker 1: found out as well, And I know that that held

163
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:24,400
Speaker 1: you close and whispered and it's another boy. Yeah, like

164
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,959
Speaker 1: what I think. Kira was one of the first people

165
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:30,880
Speaker 1: to know outside of our general family that we were

166
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,240
Speaker 1: having another boy. But it was great to see you there. Um.

167
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:37,440
Speaker 1: I was happy to be in the midst of such greatness,

168
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:42,120
Speaker 1: such amazing father's fatherhood, um, just around amazing black men.

169
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,320
Speaker 1: The energy in that room was just it filled me

170
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,640
Speaker 1: up my cup overflow within that moment. So here, we're

171
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,200
Speaker 1: happy to have you today with us on dad, ass,

172
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,120
Speaker 1: how's everything been. You're getting any sleep? Because I know,

173
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:57,559
Speaker 1: I sure it was a late the wife is getting

174
00:09:57,559 --> 00:10:00,400
Speaker 1: more sleep than me, And we talked about a little

175
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,680
Speaker 1: bit before. It's it's not even it's how broken up

176
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,440
Speaker 1: the sleep is. As soon as you get comfortable, something happens.

177
00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:09,160
Speaker 1: And y'all got multiple so you know, even when the

178
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,320
Speaker 1: baby is sleeping good and everything is copasthetic, you got

179
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,920
Speaker 1: the older one who's gonna have some issues and then

180
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:19,600
Speaker 1: just it's crazy the teamwork element that multiple kids brings

181
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,880
Speaker 1: out of you, either in a good way or either

182
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:25,160
Speaker 1: your lack of or you know, your abundance of. But

183
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,959
Speaker 1: that teamwork capability is gonna get tested hard, super hard.

184
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,400
Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely that's how we work. It's like whoever is

185
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,000
Speaker 1: better equipped in that moment to handle whatever the situation

186
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,480
Speaker 1: is diffused that fire, go ahead and do it. Just

187
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,440
Speaker 1: know on the flip side, somebody else is handling everything

188
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,680
Speaker 1: else right absolutely that we're gonna chat today a little

189
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:49,640
Speaker 1: bit more. I mean I wanted to a kid made

190
00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:51,960
Speaker 1: a video I think it was last week or maybe

191
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,959
Speaker 1: a couple of days ago that really spoke to me,

192
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,920
Speaker 1: and he was hiding in the room and he was

193
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,640
Speaker 1: talking about normalizing the fact that sometimes you just don't

194
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:03,160
Speaker 1: like your kids and you don't like being a parent,

195
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,840
Speaker 1: and it's fine to express that, but what's more important

196
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,680
Speaker 1: is how you learn to deal with those emotions so

197
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,880
Speaker 1: that you can be a productive parent, can also be

198
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,200
Speaker 1: a productive individual. What I thought was most important about

199
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,360
Speaker 1: that was normalizing that feeling because a lot of people

200
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,280
Speaker 1: have that feeling and they feel like I'm the only

201
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,640
Speaker 1: parent in the world that feels like that. Then that's

202
00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:22,960
Speaker 1: when depression can start. That's when you feel like you're

203
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,600
Speaker 1: inadequate as a parent because you have these feelings. If

204
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,760
Speaker 1: more people begin to express how they truly feel and

205
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,520
Speaker 1: then you see that, then you feel like that. But

206
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,200
Speaker 1: you still show up every single day for your kids.

207
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,520
Speaker 1: You're still a phenomenal parent. Can you talk a little

208
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,720
Speaker 1: bit about that care? Yeah, you you just gotta hit

209
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,720
Speaker 1: the nail on the head man. That's that's a lot

210
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,880
Speaker 1: of what counseling is. Humans are so funny. If you

211
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,480
Speaker 1: can get humans in the room and they're vulnerable enough

212
00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:47,880
Speaker 1: to talk to you about the things that bother them

213
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,360
Speaker 1: the most deeply. They'll explain it as if they're the

214
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:55,120
Speaker 1: only individuals that ever experienced this, and I just be

215
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:57,520
Speaker 1: wanting to tell them, like, brother, last five people who

216
00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:01,120
Speaker 1: sat in that chair also felt the same thing. We're

217
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,679
Speaker 1: thinking silo sometimes and that's not the truth. But we

218
00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:09,000
Speaker 1: we also have to go around social acceptability norms, especially

219
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,600
Speaker 1: when you live on the internet like we do and

220
00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:15,800
Speaker 1: like y'all do, that the expectations of what an ideal

221
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,800
Speaker 1: or what a perfect person does, and then they get

222
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:23,200
Speaker 1: reinforced when we see these images of immaculate kids, always

223
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:26,880
Speaker 1: well behaved. I laugh about whenever you post that that

224
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,679
Speaker 1: that k be going in on the kids and they

225
00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:30,360
Speaker 1: look at you like, now, bro, don't look at me,

226
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,360
Speaker 1: because that's real. Like we don't always get to see

227
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,680
Speaker 1: that every enforcement that we're not the only ones to

228
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,560
Speaker 1: deal with it. So that's just a part of the

229
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:41,560
Speaker 1: human condition, Bro. It's it's it's believing that you have

230
00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:44,520
Speaker 1: to meet the standard that really may not exist outside

231
00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:46,960
Speaker 1: your own head. But I don't feel pressure by that

232
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,480
Speaker 1: no more. That's why I made the video. I love

233
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,640
Speaker 1: my children. I don't have to tell anybody that I

234
00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:54,240
Speaker 1: got old woman everdence here that I love my children,

235
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,280
Speaker 1: but sometimes being a parent, you can have a bad

236
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,960
Speaker 1: relationship with I don't always like having to raise small children.

237
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,920
Speaker 1: And it's not because I'm a bad person. I separated

238
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,160
Speaker 1: myself from that idea because that's not true. It's not

239
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,280
Speaker 1: because I'm a bad parent. I ain't no evidence to

240
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,319
Speaker 1: prove that I'm a bad parent. That's not true. It's

241
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,960
Speaker 1: simply because it's two conflicting things that and it's hard

242
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:20,640
Speaker 1: to envision two conflicting perspectives both holding equal space. Can

243
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,960
Speaker 1: you talk a little bit about even marriage right and

244
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,880
Speaker 1: how sometimes you wake up and you don't want to

245
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,480
Speaker 1: be married, like like you wake up and you just

246
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:33,520
Speaker 1: like not today, ain't today, but you still have a

247
00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:37,080
Speaker 1: responsibility to show up as a spouse. Can you talk

248
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,560
Speaker 1: about as a man, managing those emotions, because I get

249
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,880
Speaker 1: so many dudes, especially once the kids come, they feel

250
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,640
Speaker 1: wild guilty, like they're like they're like, damn, I really

251
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,360
Speaker 1: just missed my girlfriend, I missed my wife. These kids

252
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,880
Speaker 1: in here now they're taken from my time and they're

253
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,120
Speaker 1: like ded man, I feel so guilty and bad that

254
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,240
Speaker 1: I feel like that, And just like you said, I'd

255
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,640
Speaker 1: be like, dude, you're not the only every every dude

256
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,160
Speaker 1: that has had a baby. And this past year has

257
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,520
Speaker 1: come to me at some point it was like, you're

258
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,959
Speaker 1: on the side, like your deal, Like am I wrong

259
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,240
Speaker 1: for like just missing my wife and wanting my wife

260
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,320
Speaker 1: and one and not wanting the baby to be there

261
00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:11,600
Speaker 1: and this? And I was like, no, bro, you're not

262
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,800
Speaker 1: wrong for that. But how do you deal with that?

263
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,280
Speaker 1: Like what is? What do you tell people? Because I

264
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:18,720
Speaker 1: try to tell them like, you're not wrong for that,

265
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,160
Speaker 1: but then I also don't know how to tell them

266
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,960
Speaker 1: to deal with those emotions. I just tell them they

267
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,160
Speaker 1: have to show up. Can you give me some real

268
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,840
Speaker 1: professional insight on how to deal with with that type

269
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,280
Speaker 1: of conversation. It's a lot there. Uh, it's a lot

270
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,600
Speaker 1: there because in order to understand that thought, we got

271
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,080
Speaker 1: to kind of content with where it comes from, and

272
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,120
Speaker 1: it comes from being a fatherless a weird space, and

273
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:43,480
Speaker 1: there's no predominant voice that really speaks for dads and

274
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:48,000
Speaker 1: fathers that has the same you know that women who

275
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,320
Speaker 1: speak for mothers. Of course, there's different things that state

276
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,080
Speaker 1: for women. They do an awesome job of speaking up

277
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:56,160
Speaker 1: for themselves, but men make the mistake a lot of times.

278
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,480
Speaker 1: I know I did of that expectation piece. We just

279
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,000
Speaker 1: talked about expecting to make some type of connection with

280
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:04,000
Speaker 1: the baby and not understanding that that's a stranger in

281
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:08,480
Speaker 1: your house. That's just you don't know this person. You

282
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:12,440
Speaker 1: didn't develop a biological bond with this person over three

283
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:16,320
Speaker 1: quarters of a year. You know, you're you're learning on

284
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:19,280
Speaker 1: the go. There's no biological attachment outside your d n

285
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:24,000
Speaker 1: A right then and there. So I think it's that piece. Um,

286
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:28,280
Speaker 1: it's it's also we have a tendency and when we

287
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,320
Speaker 1: get together men, when we click up, we whisper in

288
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:35,400
Speaker 1: the shadows about how difficult. Because if you speak to

289
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,760
Speaker 1: if you speak that out, you trickle down with the expectation.

290
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,760
Speaker 1: Oh well, if you're talking about that, then you must

291
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,800
Speaker 1: not be a good partner. You're not a good partner.

292
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,600
Speaker 1: You're not a good husband. If you're not a good husband,

293
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,480
Speaker 1: you're not a good person. And it speaks to how

294
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,440
Speaker 1: we see ourselves. I mean, just talking with the homies.

295
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:54,040
Speaker 1: Ain't nobody gonna boil it down to that. But every

296
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,160
Speaker 1: plant has a route though, right, and that's where it

297
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,720
Speaker 1: comes from. Um, you know, it's a relationship with anything.

298
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,000
Speaker 1: This is what I tell people, it's a relationship with anything,

299
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:06,160
Speaker 1: nothing that you have, no matter how much you enjoy it,

300
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,000
Speaker 1: no matter how grateful you are for there's nothing that

301
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,320
Speaker 1: you have that you will be perfectly okay having a

302
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:15,240
Speaker 1: forced interaction with a hundred percent of the time, seven

303
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:20,200
Speaker 1: days a week, twenty four hours a day. Talk about it.

304
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,600
Speaker 1: You could love us. What is a u Shiaso massage?

305
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,720
Speaker 1: I don't know. Shiasa is a dog breed. But just

306
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,560
Speaker 1: like if you got my friends, how you're like, man,

307
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,280
Speaker 1: this is fire. After the second hour, you're like, man,

308
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,880
Speaker 1: I can't feel my legs no more. After four days

309
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,360
Speaker 1: of having that massage, I think you're ready to doing

310
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:45,560
Speaker 1: Somebody like yeah, so I don't flying all over the place,

311
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:49,440
Speaker 1: But like, this is romanticized idea of marriage and what

312
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:52,640
Speaker 1: it is and how it feels on the inside. And

313
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:57,240
Speaker 1: people have this idea in this narrative, and it's when

314
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,640
Speaker 1: you actually see what marriage looks like on the inside,

315
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,320
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, this it's not bad, but it's not

316
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,879
Speaker 1: what I expected. I'm more tired than I thought. I

317
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,480
Speaker 1: got more conflicting feelings than I thought. I can't just

318
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,800
Speaker 1: speak my mind all the time like I thought it's

319
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,760
Speaker 1: a lot of variables, and the kind of person you

320
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,760
Speaker 1: are takes the shape of your relationships sometimes, like we

321
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:19,200
Speaker 1: talk about Bruce Leep you like water like water in

322
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,600
Speaker 1: the cup, it takes the shape. You may not always

323
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,439
Speaker 1: like what that shape turns into for yourself. There's a

324
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:28,040
Speaker 1: lot there. It's not just one singular thing. It's it's

325
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:31,280
Speaker 1: a million little pieces that are so close together that

326
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,600
Speaker 1: it looks like a unit. So you're conflicted because it's

327
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,919
Speaker 1: a lot of stuff bumping up against each other. You

328
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,800
Speaker 1: know what I noticed too, even about like you said

329
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,719
Speaker 1: in this space, you just brought up so many good points.

330
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:45,040
Speaker 1: Women are allowed to speak openly about how they feel

331
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,439
Speaker 1: about marriage and parenthood and motherhood, but when a man speaks,

332
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,639
Speaker 1: he's often met with vitriol. One from men saying, you

333
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,200
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, you sound like a punk or

334
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,520
Speaker 1: pussy or you know, you sound soft, But then two

335
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,320
Speaker 1: with women like you sound entitled, you sound selfish, and

336
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,760
Speaker 1: it's like, hey, like and my not allowed to have

337
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,560
Speaker 1: feelings as a human being. You know, a perfect example,

338
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:07,640
Speaker 1: when Kadin and I spoke about um kids. I think

339
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,000
Speaker 1: it was last year when we were pregnant. We we

340
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,439
Speaker 1: spoke about how much we hated pregnancy, but we love

341
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,800
Speaker 1: our kids. There was some constituents that felt like, man,

342
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,560
Speaker 1: pregnancy is a blessing. You should always appreciate every blessing.

343
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,520
Speaker 1: It's like, does that mean that I can't be honest

344
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,919
Speaker 1: about how I feel about the fact that my wife's

345
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,680
Speaker 1: feet swell up and the fact that she's overweight and

346
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,040
Speaker 1: had to deal with preclam she and she had body

347
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,600
Speaker 1: image issues because of she didn't like the way her

348
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,320
Speaker 1: body was changing. I'm not allowed to speak on the

349
00:18:33,359 --> 00:18:35,480
Speaker 1: fact that I feel bad that my wife has to

350
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,199
Speaker 1: go through this carry and my child. It's like, we

351
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,560
Speaker 1: don't have a space to be open about how it

352
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,120
Speaker 1: affects us. And I think that that's killing us as

353
00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:48,880
Speaker 1: a community because every dude I asked, you know, when

354
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,080
Speaker 1: I ask how's how's everything going? Everything, Oh it's good, bro.

355
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:59,720
Speaker 1: Then they pulled me aside and be like and you know,

356
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:01,720
Speaker 1: and I see them break down, and I'm like, yo,

357
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,720
Speaker 1: you need to be more vulnerable with that with all

358
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,720
Speaker 1: of us in the group. Don't pull them, don't put

359
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,720
Speaker 1: up the veil to be tough when it's a group

360
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,879
Speaker 1: of us, Tell us all how you feel so that

361
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,840
Speaker 1: you'll notice one person be like, oh, yeah, that's that's

362
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:20,840
Speaker 1: me too. I think it is now to the our generation,

363
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:24,120
Speaker 1: I think is the first generation that's actually encouraging our

364
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,600
Speaker 1: men and and pleading with our men to speak up

365
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,440
Speaker 1: and to say how they feel because typically in history,

366
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,000
Speaker 1: well historically men weren't allowed to really speak up for

367
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,800
Speaker 1: how they felt and then tell us their emotions. So

368
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,080
Speaker 1: sometimes it's maybe a little off putting, I feel like,

369
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,520
Speaker 1: because you don't expect for a man to be as

370
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,879
Speaker 1: vocal about how they feel, which is something that I

371
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,160
Speaker 1: don't care you are doing as a therapist. I'm sure

372
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,920
Speaker 1: you probably get people looking at you sideways sometimes when

373
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,040
Speaker 1: you say you're a whole therapist because therapy and black

374
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,399
Speaker 1: men were like oil and one. So the first thing

375
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:57,160
Speaker 1: is most people don't realize that here is actually a therapist,

376
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,919
Speaker 1: so when he's talking, they don't understand where this this is.

377
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:04,760
Speaker 1: That's how we number two, When he does express herself,

378
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,440
Speaker 1: sometimes I see people like, you know, typically it's women

379
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,720
Speaker 1: who feel off put by his honesty and his candor,

380
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,879
Speaker 1: and I'm like, that is the problem there. He's being

381
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,960
Speaker 1: honest about how he feels and pat backing up with

382
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:20,000
Speaker 1: an intelligent thought out process of how to deal with it,

383
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,679
Speaker 1: and still you're finding fault with what he feels. That

384
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,479
Speaker 1: to me is a problem. We think it's when you

385
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,520
Speaker 1: go out in the world, you gotta deal with other

386
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,359
Speaker 1: people's perspectives. I'm gonna tell anybody who's listening everything I

387
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:36,359
Speaker 1: say is going to come back down to perspectives and expectations,

388
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,639
Speaker 1: because that really makes the world go around. Those are

389
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,000
Speaker 1: the that's the foundation of your community interaction with any

390
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,760
Speaker 1: other human um. I think for a lot of times,

391
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:50,000
Speaker 1: the women have a very specific expectation of what a

392
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,520
Speaker 1: man is and what a man should be. And while

393
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:58,480
Speaker 1: that's one very specific definition, actually living inside this experience, like,

394
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,800
Speaker 1: it's one thing to say men should be more vocal,

395
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,120
Speaker 1: men should be more honest about their feelings. But I'm

396
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,200
Speaker 1: an eighties baby, and back in my neighborhood, most people

397
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,520
Speaker 1: Mama's wasn't saying, hey, stop crying. They put you in

398
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,160
Speaker 1: the chest and call you the F word. That were

399
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:17,560
Speaker 1: And I equate that to a freight train, y'all. A

400
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,600
Speaker 1: freight train that has a hundred twenty four cars on it,

401
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,920
Speaker 1: That thing weighs a good jillion times if it's going

402
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,800
Speaker 1: full speed. If I hate the brakes right now on

403
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,679
Speaker 1: that joint ain't going stop in Atlanta. It's gonna stop

404
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,959
Speaker 1: somewhere in West Virginia because it has that much momentum

405
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:37,200
Speaker 1: behind it. And that's what masculinity is. It's it's a culture,

406
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,360
Speaker 1: it's an archetype, it's a bill, that's an idea, it's

407
00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:44,359
Speaker 1: an ideal, especially if you're a black man um and

408
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:49,200
Speaker 1: anything that falls away from that, it it risked the

409
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:53,200
Speaker 1: chance of being ostracized. And we all want community at

410
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,960
Speaker 1: the end. That's just what we all were, communal people.

411
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,240
Speaker 1: And when I just read this article called white black

412
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,480
Speaker 1: people black men are the white people of black people,

413
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,439
Speaker 1: I just think it's Damian Young who just wrote it.

414
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,400
Speaker 1: Set my soul on fire. But it was a very

415
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:10,280
Speaker 1: informative article. It was. It's a lot. It's it's this

416
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:14,560
Speaker 1: weird pedestalization that we have a women that's not really supportive.

417
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,600
Speaker 1: It's just pedestalizing yas queen. That's cool, bro, you don't

418
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,520
Speaker 1: really talk like that, for one, and to like see

419
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 1: how you feel, you don't have to do all of that.

420
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,399
Speaker 1: You can see how you feel um and and still

421
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,040
Speaker 1: be in support of that woman. But on an inverse,

422
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,840
Speaker 1: it's we live in a society where people think if

423
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,159
Speaker 1: you disagree with me on my perspectives, then you're against me. No,

424
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,040
Speaker 1: I just disagree with Somebody hopped in my inbox and

425
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,360
Speaker 1: was like, you follow Candis Owens. I'm gonna follow you.

426
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,600
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't agree with what she says, but

427
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,879
Speaker 1: I want to hear her perspective. I don't need to

428
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:55,080
Speaker 1: look on everything. I just said the same thing. I

429
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:58,960
Speaker 1: honestly believe that life comes down to perspective, right, especially

430
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,879
Speaker 1: on on social media here, when you choose to follow

431
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:05,479
Speaker 1: certain people, you are creating a very narrow perspective if

432
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:08,000
Speaker 1: you only choose to follow the people who agree with

433
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,919
Speaker 1: all of your ideology. I made it a point to

434
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,119
Speaker 1: try to just follow a bunch of different things, so

435
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,520
Speaker 1: when I can get a broader perspective, that doesn't mean

436
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,400
Speaker 1: I'm gonna agree, but I want to understand where are

437
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,120
Speaker 1: you even coming from with this thought process? And even

438
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:24,399
Speaker 1: if I don't understand it, at least I could here

439
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,119
Speaker 1: where it's coming from. But people will will be like, yo,

440
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,879
Speaker 1: follow this, and they'll be like, yo, you're wrong for that,

441
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:36,040
Speaker 1: and I'm like, guys, guys, I'm I'm not uh, Instagram consumer. Okay,

442
00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:38,240
Speaker 1: I don't sit on my Instagram all day, go through

443
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:41,320
Speaker 1: my feed and just say this is gonna be my life. Right.

444
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,120
Speaker 1: I watched documentaries, I read books, There's so many other

445
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,760
Speaker 1: things I do to to feed my hunger for knowledge.

446
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:50,320
Speaker 1: But it's interesting you brought that up, because it's almost

447
00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:54,040
Speaker 1: as if you're not even allowed to disagree with someone

448
00:23:54,119 --> 00:23:57,040
Speaker 1: because of social media, or in the minute you disagree

449
00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:01,240
Speaker 1: your anti them, not that thought, you're antipe them, and

450
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 1: it's like, this is crazy. That's people, that's where that's

451
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,159
Speaker 1: where we are. Remember, social media is only does is

452
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,080
Speaker 1: amplify who we really are, what we can say when

453
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:13,639
Speaker 1: we feel protected by anonymity. I feel protected by screen.

454
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,640
Speaker 1: I could talk to you crazy right now, what you're

455
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,000
Speaker 1: gonna do. But if we are in person and you

456
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,119
Speaker 1: feel my energy and it's different, you don't talk to

457
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 1: me like that. So we we we become the dogs

458
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,640
Speaker 1: in the cages. But I just look at it as

459
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:28,600
Speaker 1: a good I don't look at it's a good or

460
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,639
Speaker 1: bad thing. It just is what it is, and I

461
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,960
Speaker 1: try to meet things with that um, that neutrality. I

462
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,800
Speaker 1: think the term for what you're calling is ideal centrism.

463
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,840
Speaker 1: When you believe your ideas to be the center of

464
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,000
Speaker 1: the universe and not just your particular pocket of the universe.

465
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,719
Speaker 1: But I must say, when it comes to men and

466
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,679
Speaker 1: how you think about men as a whole, you you

467
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,000
Speaker 1: can't even talk about man's issues. You have to first

468
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:55,520
Speaker 1: address the things that men have contributed to negatively before

469
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,920
Speaker 1: you even talk about the instruy the issues that center men.

470
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,600
Speaker 1: And when the cam versation starts there, because it's such

471
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:05,399
Speaker 1: a necessary and underdiscussed conversation amongst men and women. I'm

472
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,960
Speaker 1: talking about rape, coach, I'm talking about intimate partner violence,

473
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,080
Speaker 1: all of that stuff. When it does happen, the conversation

474
00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:15,120
Speaker 1: don't move. You can't get off of that. It's too big,

475
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 1: it's too many variant opinions. No one's going to walk

476
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,600
Speaker 1: away from that conversation feeling satisfied. Someone's going to feel

477
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,040
Speaker 1: you know what it is, you know what it is.

478
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,680
Speaker 1: Men don't want to be held accountable the same way

479
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:28,040
Speaker 1: women don't want to be held accountable all the times.

480
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:33,080
Speaker 1: Similar to like it's bro it's the truth. I don't

481
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 1: call it blame placing, but people don't like to be accountable.

482
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,880
Speaker 1: For example, white people say it's all the time, why

483
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,240
Speaker 1: I gotta be blamed for what my ancestors did. It's

484
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:45,320
Speaker 1: not blamed, it's being accountable for for your privilege, right

485
00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:48,440
Speaker 1: the same way acknowledging the same way in the black community,

486
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:52,000
Speaker 1: men have to be accountable and acknowledge their privilege within

487
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,520
Speaker 1: the lack community and the hierarchy of men and women.

488
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,080
Speaker 1: But then when you start doing that, especially as a men,

489
00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,200
Speaker 1: as a man, men get turned off to you holding

490
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:02,360
Speaker 1: them accountable. The same way when you, as a man

491
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:05,800
Speaker 1: try to hold women accountable for their privilege, women will

492
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:07,439
Speaker 1: say they get turned off. Is like, I'm tired of

493
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,159
Speaker 1: men trying to hold women accountable? Is that referencing like

494
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,120
Speaker 1: what Kire said, The title was that black men are

495
00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:16,359
Speaker 1: the white Yes, that's that's pretty much. That's exactly what

496
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,359
Speaker 1: it was. Men. Black men in our community have experience

497
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,560
Speaker 1: a ton of privilege for centuries, and when you bring

498
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:26,280
Speaker 1: it up to black men, a lot of time they

499
00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:30,359
Speaker 1: get defensive because we've also dealt with our fair share

500
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,840
Speaker 1: of racial profiling and prejudice and systemic racism. So a

501
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:35,760
Speaker 1: lot of us don't want to hear it. Right, But

502
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 1: like Kire says, when you're starting when you're talking about

503
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,439
Speaker 1: a relationship, especially between a man and the women, you

504
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,359
Speaker 1: have to start with the route. When you start with

505
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,920
Speaker 1: the route, you start with accountability. Correct. Yeah, I would

506
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:48,359
Speaker 1: say accountable. That's accountability is the top of the route

507
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,640
Speaker 1: because it's you're making an amazing point, and I completely

508
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:55,280
Speaker 1: agree with you. But let's let's go a step below accountability.

509
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:59,560
Speaker 1: That's that self actualization piece. The reason accountability don't work.

510
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:03,160
Speaker 1: Men don't accountability need to do women. Humans suck at accountability.

511
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,520
Speaker 1: It's just not a thing that we like. We don't

512
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,600
Speaker 1: like to admit mistakes. It reminds us that we're less

513
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,879
Speaker 1: than our ideal selves in our head, and that hurts

514
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,679
Speaker 1: away from pain, you know, we run away from choices.

515
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 1: That's just how the brain works. But when when we

516
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:21,399
Speaker 1: talk about accountability, it's it comes down to a self awareness.

517
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,600
Speaker 1: And also that word privilege will always set people off

518
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:29,720
Speaker 1: because in some ways it insinuates that you did not

519
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:34,159
Speaker 1: suffer through the things you suffer through. It minimizes in

520
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:36,520
Speaker 1: some ways all the things that you had to work

521
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 1: through and and kind of like, uh, devalues it a

522
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,879
Speaker 1: little bit. Oh, you have white privilege. Yeah, but we

523
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,520
Speaker 1: grew up in the trailer pocket, Alabama. My dog, my

524
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,360
Speaker 1: dad was an alcoholic, my mom was on crystal glad.

525
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,160
Speaker 1: I don't have healthy family system. What privilege you talking about?

526
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,399
Speaker 1: I make twenty five thousand a year. You know, you

527
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:55,560
Speaker 1: tell a man you got you got black privilegs like

528
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,479
Speaker 1: I just got shot at the other week at a party.

529
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,600
Speaker 1: Every time my wife sends me to go pump her

530
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,359
Speaker 1: gas and we live, we are were projects adjacent. You

531
00:28:04,359 --> 00:28:06,640
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. She sent me to gop gas

532
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:08,920
Speaker 1: because she's scared. I'm like, yeah, the tall black man

533
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,280
Speaker 1: with the three hundred dollars sweatsuit and seven hundred dollars

534
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:15,800
Speaker 1: Jordan's yeah, let's have help, right right, right. But that

535
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:19,160
Speaker 1: also goes back to that two competing ideologies can both

536
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:23,000
Speaker 1: hold space at the same time. They both have truth. Yes, yes, yes,

537
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:26,000
Speaker 1: it's not either or it's not a competition. And there's

538
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:29,439
Speaker 1: space for all these perspectives because your perspectives unique to you.

539
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,880
Speaker 1: What's going All three of us are having the same

540
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:35,440
Speaker 1: conversation right now, We're not having the same experience right now.

541
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,120
Speaker 1: It's unique to who we are as individuals. I can't

542
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:42,320
Speaker 1: keep minds so close that now, care standards becomes cadem

543
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:46,080
Speaker 1: standards becomes the vowel, standards becomes everybody standards. You should

544
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 1: do what I do. I think that's a very skewed

545
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:51,239
Speaker 1: way of looking at the world. See this, this this

546
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 1: is perfect because I'm I think we're talking to Jason

547
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:56,600
Speaker 1: about the six and the nine theory. Right. The way

548
00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,920
Speaker 1: I used to talk to my young men about their

549
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:02,560
Speaker 1: emotions was understanding perspective. Right. I would sit down in

550
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:04,120
Speaker 1: the gym and I had a piece of paper with

551
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,320
Speaker 1: a nine on it, and it had no dash underneath,

552
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:07,680
Speaker 1: so they couldn't tell if it was a nine or

553
00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,720
Speaker 1: a six. And I would sit him across from me,

554
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:11,200
Speaker 1: and I would sit there and said, would you tell

555
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:13,360
Speaker 1: me what you see? And he would say I see

556
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,200
Speaker 1: a nine. And I would say, well, I see a six,

557
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:19,800
Speaker 1: and he would look at me and then he would

558
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,800
Speaker 1: be like, oh, I could see that because from your

559
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:24,080
Speaker 1: angle it looks like a six. I said, that's how you,

560
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:25,600
Speaker 1: as a man, need to learn how to deal with

561
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:29,200
Speaker 1: your emotions. Right. You're talking to your mom, she's a woman.

562
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:31,320
Speaker 1: You're talking to your coach, you're talking to someone else.

563
00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:34,920
Speaker 1: Understand that their perspective gives them a completely different view

564
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: of the same world you're looking at, and they'd be like,

565
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,640
Speaker 1: they'd be like damn, and I'm like, yeah. So when

566
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,120
Speaker 1: you get into an argument with someone, the first thing

567
00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:45,120
Speaker 1: you have to do to control your emotions is trying

568
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:49,320
Speaker 1: to remove yourself from your perspective and see what they're saying.

569
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:51,760
Speaker 1: And I said, think about it. You just step over

570
00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:53,400
Speaker 1: here next to me. Step and so then they step

571
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:55,719
Speaker 1: over here and they'd be like, damn, of course about you, right,

572
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:59,040
Speaker 1: like it's it's the six. And I'm like, I'm right

573
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 1: now because here, but you were right to being a nine.

574
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,520
Speaker 1: We were both right, which is the same thing you said,

575
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:09,520
Speaker 1: both competing ideologies can exist at the same space. Part

576
00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 1: of controlling your emotions is understanding that when you start

577
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 1: thinking that my ideology is the only way the world

578
00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,960
Speaker 1: should be, that's when you get frustrated. That's when you

579
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,000
Speaker 1: start feeling ostracized. That's when you feel like no one

580
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,480
Speaker 1: understands you, and it can be lonely, and that's when

581
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:26,960
Speaker 1: people get sensitive and they get defensive, and that's when

582
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:29,560
Speaker 1: they start, you know, anybody back in the corner or

583
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:33,080
Speaker 1: in the cage becomes a like a wounded animal. And

584
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,520
Speaker 1: I think for us, especially as people. When we can

585
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:39,480
Speaker 1: understand that perspectives create our our viewpoint, we can control

586
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:41,760
Speaker 1: our emotions a little bit more. So what you just

587
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:45,080
Speaker 1: said about everything being perspectives is perfect for what people

588
00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:47,680
Speaker 1: need to hear. Yeah, and especially if I could just

589
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,200
Speaker 1: I know, we want to push the conversation forward, But

590
00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:52,880
Speaker 1: you just made me think about something that ties back

591
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:57,520
Speaker 1: to being a black man and having male privileged Because

592
00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,160
Speaker 1: when you're a man and you walk and just of

593
00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 1: a man, you're the world is norm to to us

594
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:07,160
Speaker 1: two men, you know what, it's just by default, and

595
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 1: the world is critically unfair to women, um, you know,

596
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:14,880
Speaker 1: exponentially in a different way than it's unfair to men.

597
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,960
Speaker 1: The world's way more unfair to women. But when you

598
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:21,440
Speaker 1: don't have anyone telling you that that male perspective, you know,

599
00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:23,000
Speaker 1: when you're sitting on the top, I could fall asleep

600
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:25,200
Speaker 1: in the car because I'm not afraid. You know, that's

601
00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:28,360
Speaker 1: a form of male privilege, and you have a responsibility

602
00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:31,000
Speaker 1: to kind of be able to look at that from

603
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,440
Speaker 1: that other perspective and say, oh, no, you know what, now,

604
00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:35,480
Speaker 1: it ain't privilege. Oh you know what, No, I can

605
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 1: see how you see that? Yep, Yeah, that's how you

606
00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:45,400
Speaker 1: expand your awareness. Wow, that's dope. Here, let's some talk

607
00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:48,320
Speaker 1: about your choice to become a therapist. I'm just intrigued

608
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,000
Speaker 1: by it because of course you're giving us a wealth

609
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:52,400
Speaker 1: of knowledge here, just based off of the conversation we've had.

610
00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:54,520
Speaker 1: So fo. I'm literally sitting here just like you know,

611
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:58,320
Speaker 1: with my eyes wide open, just absorbing. Um. But it's

612
00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 1: not often that you see a black young man that's

613
00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:05,800
Speaker 1: a therapist. What made you follow this, this this course

614
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:10,040
Speaker 1: of work? Yeah, I just so happened to be working

615
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:14,040
Speaker 1: at a school for students that had behavior issues. You know,

616
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:18,520
Speaker 1: these are these issues challenges, um, a lot of them.

617
00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:20,480
Speaker 1: It was economic you know how that go when you're

618
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:26,760
Speaker 1: a little black boy, automatic special behavior issues. Um. But yeah,

619
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:28,520
Speaker 1: these students and I worked on special then, and they

620
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,960
Speaker 1: had these profound behavior challenges. And it was a group

621
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:34,240
Speaker 1: of clinicians, these black women. In my whole life, I

622
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 1: thought a clinician was somebody who was clinicians another word

623
00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:40,600
Speaker 1: of therapist. But I thought there was someone who stiffen. Oh,

624
00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 1: so how does that make you feel? You know, tell

625
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:47,960
Speaker 1: me more about you know, just really g rigid and

626
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:51,920
Speaker 1: goofy and making you feel nah, like they was wearing

627
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 1: Legans and Jordan's during the session. I'm like, hold on

628
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:56,960
Speaker 1: a man, who are y'all? And you can see the

629
00:32:57,080 --> 00:32:59,760
Speaker 1: change in these kids that came from the same neighborhood

630
00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:02,160
Speaker 1: I came from, where your mama may not have the

631
00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:04,040
Speaker 1: time to love on you the way she may want to,

632
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 1: and the boys and the neighbor to pick on you.

633
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 1: So you learn to talk with these a little bit

634
00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 1: more and it changes who you are. And you can

635
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:14,040
Speaker 1: see these clinicians chipping away of that. I'm like, damn

636
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:16,240
Speaker 1: that dope. And the closer I got to them, the

637
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:18,080
Speaker 1: more I started to fall in love with the craft.

638
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:20,960
Speaker 1: And I was just fortunate enough. I mean, y'all don't notice,

639
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,240
Speaker 1: but I earlier I was a rapper. I started off

640
00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:27,240
Speaker 1: as a rapper. Then I was doing talent shows that

641
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:30,200
Speaker 1: I was doing battle raps down Howard University. So I

642
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,240
Speaker 1: was just lucky enough to figure out what I was

643
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:36,440
Speaker 1: good at and and what I like to do. It's

644
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:39,080
Speaker 1: not the same thing, and this just it's fell in

645
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,640
Speaker 1: the middle of those two things, and I just I

646
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 1: fell into it, man, and it's just a part of

647
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:46,880
Speaker 1: who I am, not just what I do now. I

648
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,280
Speaker 1: want to. I want to applaud you because like you,

649
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,480
Speaker 1: I started out when I when I first retired, my

650
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,720
Speaker 1: brother worked at the District seventy five school. He still

651
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:56,080
Speaker 1: does with special like kids. Um a lot of kids

652
00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:58,680
Speaker 1: who are bounced back from prison. So it's a lot

653
00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:01,040
Speaker 1: of young dudes who done time who come back home,

654
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:02,600
Speaker 1: who are trying to figure out their life. They got

655
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:04,360
Speaker 1: to go to high school. But he and I both

656
00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:07,320
Speaker 1: worked at Eagle Academy also, which was a middle school

657
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,520
Speaker 1: at the time that was sponsored by a hundred black men,

658
00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:14,319
Speaker 1: and a lot of their programming was extremely rigid. But

659
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:18,840
Speaker 1: it was also it was kind of like like institutionalization

660
00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:21,280
Speaker 1: of black men. Like they came out of the classroom,

661
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:22,880
Speaker 1: they had to walk to the right, they had to

662
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:24,720
Speaker 1: stay in a single foul line. To me, it looked

663
00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:27,040
Speaker 1: like prison, but it was. It was trying to teach

664
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:29,840
Speaker 1: them structure. And one thing I noticed that there was

665
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: not a lot of black men involved with their mental health.

666
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:37,680
Speaker 1: They brought black men in for athletics. They tried to

667
00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:39,799
Speaker 1: bring in some teachers and some science teachers to give

668
00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,439
Speaker 1: them the academic aspect, but when they came to mental health,

669
00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:44,960
Speaker 1: it was all women. It was not a lot of

670
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:47,200
Speaker 1: black And I said to myself, you know, most of

671
00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:49,200
Speaker 1: these kids want to talk to someone who can relate

672
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:53,000
Speaker 1: to them. They'll talk. They'll skip the therapists and come

673
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:54,640
Speaker 1: to the gym because that's what me and my brother

674
00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:56,680
Speaker 1: is and they'll be like, yo, this is what I'm

675
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:59,399
Speaker 1: going through, and they'll be vulnerable and they're open up,

676
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:00,959
Speaker 1: and I a least I have have to say to myself,

677
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:03,719
Speaker 1: how come there aren't more black therapists I wanted to

678
00:35:03,719 --> 00:35:05,960
Speaker 1: give you. I want to give your flowers now while

679
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:09,520
Speaker 1: you're here, because I follow you on Instagram. A lot

680
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:13,960
Speaker 1: of the stuff that you do. I think it's so

681
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:17,319
Speaker 1: far ahead of its time. It won't be recognized now,

682
00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:21,319
Speaker 1: probably won't even be recognized five years from now. But

683
00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:24,880
Speaker 1: you stay on this path, later on, they're gonna be

684
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:26,719
Speaker 1: looking back and being like, yo, this brother was a

685
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:29,600
Speaker 1: genius because he was doing this when no one else

686
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:32,480
Speaker 1: was doing this. And I think a lot of people

687
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:35,919
Speaker 1: are first taken back because like number one, you don't

688
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:38,279
Speaker 1: look like your typical therapists when you come and when

689
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:40,600
Speaker 1: I when I watch your videos, I'm not thinking this

690
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 1: is a therapist talking to me. I'm thinking this is care,

691
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 1: this is so when you speak from the right, what's

692
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:51,200
Speaker 1: what's the message. So I'm telling you, bro, when this,

693
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:53,480
Speaker 1: when this thing is all said and done, years from now,

694
00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:56,400
Speaker 1: people are gonna say, remember that guy here, what he started.

695
00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:58,920
Speaker 1: It's gonna become the norm because I can see how

696
00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:02,440
Speaker 1: you change your lives in our group sessions. Your videos

697
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,480
Speaker 1: get passed around a lot in my my group chats

698
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,160
Speaker 1: with my boys, especially the ones who just got married

699
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 1: and have kids. They'll send it to They'll send it

700
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:16,320
Speaker 1: and be like, this dude here is speaking my life

701
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:20,200
Speaker 1: right now on the Instagram, Bro. Because what you're doing

702
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:26,440
Speaker 1: is you're normalizing um black emotional awareness for man and

703
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,680
Speaker 1: emotional maturity. And I want to say, I appreciate you, bro,

704
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:32,800
Speaker 1: and thank you and keep going no matter what you

705
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:36,319
Speaker 1: have to keep going and doing it. Bro. You have

706
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:41,280
Speaker 1: no idea how many people you affecting. Bro, Seriously, that's amazing.

707
00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:45,879
Speaker 1: I appreciate that. I think I don't have people who

708
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:47,719
Speaker 1: sometimes ask me in the interview, what do you want

709
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:49,719
Speaker 1: to do with this content? You got listeners right now

710
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:52,799
Speaker 1: like who is this dude? Man? But like it's it's

711
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:57,719
Speaker 1: people listen to the content and I don't know, man,

712
00:36:57,800 --> 00:36:59,919
Speaker 1: just when they when I see him in personal love

713
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:01,960
Speaker 1: be crazy and it lets me know that people are

714
00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:03,920
Speaker 1: getting value. But when they asked me, I don't have

715
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 1: a grand scheme. I just want people to have a

716
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:10,920
Speaker 1: resource with black men. The conversation with therapy. Everybody always

717
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:13,279
Speaker 1: asked me, why don't black men go to therapy? For one,

718
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,560
Speaker 1: I don't think that's true, But why why don't black

719
00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:17,960
Speaker 1: men go to therapy? Why don't black men responding to therapy?

720
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:21,200
Speaker 1: And it's like, you gotta understand black man's relationship with therapy.

721
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:24,560
Speaker 1: When it's introduced, it's usually it's gonna be by a

722
00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,239
Speaker 1: woman in your life nine times out of ten. And

723
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:30,120
Speaker 1: it may come across is what is go fix something

724
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:32,880
Speaker 1: that is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?

725
00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:35,640
Speaker 1: Go see this person to confirm all the things that

726
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,839
Speaker 1: I'm already implying is wrong with you. Who wants to

727
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 1: do that? So I didn't look at it like that.

728
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:46,320
Speaker 1: You're absolutely right, And it is usually coming from a woman. Yes,

729
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:50,200
Speaker 1: the woman's dragging you to therapy with to confirm that

730
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:52,759
Speaker 1: she's right about the things that you're dealing with. It

731
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:55,880
Speaker 1: has this much of a viewpoint or but it's affecting

732
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:59,200
Speaker 1: her this much. So it's it's complicated and I just

733
00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:01,560
Speaker 1: want to be a hug in a source. So as

734
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:05,680
Speaker 1: long as I'm giving you man care. It's funny because

735
00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:08,080
Speaker 1: you said people are probably listening like, who is this dude?

736
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:10,880
Speaker 1: I actually put up a poll on our Instagram page

737
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:12,960
Speaker 1: for the podcast and I said, you know what, guys,

738
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:15,080
Speaker 1: we want to know who do you want us to

739
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,920
Speaker 1: to to interview? Who do you want to be a

740
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:19,839
Speaker 1: guest on the show? Give me some topics. We had

741
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:23,239
Speaker 1: a ton of people saying care games. So you may

742
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:26,439
Speaker 1: think that people are out there not recognizing your work

743
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:28,440
Speaker 1: and seeing what you're doing, but we had a ton

744
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:31,239
Speaker 1: of people and this is before we already had you already, Yeah,

745
00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:33,040
Speaker 1: we hadn't. We had you on the calendar for a while.

746
00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:35,279
Speaker 1: The biggest thing is we wanted to We wanted to

747
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:37,520
Speaker 1: have you and your wife in to do an in

748
00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:40,360
Speaker 1: person because I hate doing zooms. I feel like the

749
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:43,719
Speaker 1: one person. But after a while it was like, man,

750
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,280
Speaker 1: we got to stop the laying and get this brother

751
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:49,479
Speaker 1: on here. Because I tell you, bro, if I could

752
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:51,920
Speaker 1: just show you my d M s about how many

753
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:56,359
Speaker 1: men are hurting and dealing with emotional awareness, and I

754
00:38:56,400 --> 00:39:00,399
Speaker 1: wish it was a larger platform, you know, and most

755
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:03,200
Speaker 1: men run to, like what you said, the freight train

756
00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:05,960
Speaker 1: of what they're used to seeing. I don't feel comfortable

757
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:08,719
Speaker 1: with what's happening inside of me, so let me just

758
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:15,880
Speaker 1: go emulate someone who looks masculine. Man, Bro, you know

759
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:18,200
Speaker 1: how that is when they try to do that, and

760
00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:21,359
Speaker 1: that don't make you feel no better? Now, you like

761
00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:25,839
Speaker 1: what's next? Like, you know, I'm not really a man

762
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:30,080
Speaker 1: if I feel uncomfortable in this space. So, Bro, I

763
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:33,400
Speaker 1: I hope, I hope and pray that your platform continues

764
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:36,879
Speaker 1: to I'm not gonna hope. It's gonna grow, Bro, It's

765
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:40,120
Speaker 1: gonna and it's gonna be. It's gonna become the norm.

766
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 1: I got four boys. You know how much me and

767
00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:45,880
Speaker 1: my boys talk about We talk about emotional maturity and

768
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:50,680
Speaker 1: controlling awareness all the time, all the time. Sports. That's

769
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:55,640
Speaker 1: all we ever talk about. Bro, that's that's so smarter.

770
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:01,719
Speaker 1: I'll give your flowers to y'all leagual parents. I don't

771
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:05,520
Speaker 1: a lot of things, and a lot of times people

772
00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 1: think that you're a good parent because of what you

773
00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:10,520
Speaker 1: do for your kids. Like the house that y'all live in,

774
00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:15,720
Speaker 1: Like it's nice, but that don't make you pass, you know, right? No, absolutely,

775
00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:18,080
Speaker 1: let me tell you about what the hell they just

776
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,360
Speaker 1: broke over there? What did they break? They broke something

777
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:23,800
Speaker 1: on the event to the floor. Kids gonna crash this

778
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:27,320
Speaker 1: house up and mash it up. But it's just a place.

779
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:31,040
Speaker 1: It's just a place. But it's it's yes intentionality that

780
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:33,239
Speaker 1: you're putting a parent there in the fourth thought, in

781
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:35,719
Speaker 1: the way that y'all work together. And I can tell

782
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:38,400
Speaker 1: about how transparent you all are about your marriage. I

783
00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:40,600
Speaker 1: can only imagine what it looks like on the in side.

784
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:43,960
Speaker 1: That's a beautiful space for people to grow in. That

785
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:47,080
Speaker 1: is a oh. I have so many clients. I wish

786
00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:50,040
Speaker 1: they could grow in a space like that. Fertiles saw you.

787
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,480
Speaker 1: They're just making an awesome human beings. So y'all are

788
00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:56,560
Speaker 1: doing an incredible job. Man, We appreciate that. But I

789
00:40:56,560 --> 00:40:58,160
Speaker 1: do have one I have one more question before we

790
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:00,879
Speaker 1: let you go, because we running out of time. So

791
00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:03,840
Speaker 1: one thing is that the intentionality people are noticing. We

792
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:06,920
Speaker 1: have four boys. I'm teaching my boys to be emotionally

793
00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:09,399
Speaker 1: aware so they can be good life partners as well

794
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,440
Speaker 1: as being good human beings if they choose to be married.

795
00:41:12,719 --> 00:41:14,080
Speaker 1: They may grow up and say I don't want to

796
00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:16,680
Speaker 1: be married. That's on them because marriage isn't for everyone.

797
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:20,560
Speaker 1: But how how is it for you as a dad

798
00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,319
Speaker 1: teaching that intentionality to your daughters. I know what it's

799
00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:26,640
Speaker 1: like to teach a boy. And we talked about privilege, right,

800
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:29,360
Speaker 1: male privilege. I talked to my sons about male privilege

801
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:31,640
Speaker 1: and understanding what women have to go through. Um, we

802
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:34,560
Speaker 1: always talk about protecting the queen. And Jackson is ten

803
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:36,680
Speaker 1: years old now and he has a little girl that

804
00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:39,000
Speaker 1: the two of them are interested in each other, and

805
00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:41,640
Speaker 1: he brought her something for Valentine's Day. Cadeine made sure

806
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 1: he went to them all and did the right things

807
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:48,480
Speaker 1: and was very respectful. But we always say we hope

808
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:52,040
Speaker 1: that people are taking the same intentionality with their daughters,

809
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:54,479
Speaker 1: because my sons are gonna be looking to spend life

810
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:57,239
Speaker 1: with someone's daughter. How is it trying to teach that

811
00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:02,839
Speaker 1: intentionality to a young black girl? Damn, that's good question. Um,

812
00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:09,120
Speaker 1: it's it's it's it's I think it's more challenging for

813
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:13,000
Speaker 1: me because I just didn't have anything outside of my

814
00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:17,399
Speaker 1: male perspective for a long time, so I was looking

815
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:20,600
Speaker 1: at her as a girl through a male's perspective, and

816
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:23,879
Speaker 1: that was really hard to take off. Um, and then

817
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:27,160
Speaker 1: I started noticing our going stores and I see, you know,

818
00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:30,720
Speaker 1: the boys shirt say scientists or a builder or something strong,

819
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:33,880
Speaker 1: and the girls don't say fashiony stuff, you know, like

820
00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:37,239
Speaker 1: right right right, right, right right right. So for me,

821
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,759
Speaker 1: I think I'm I'm lifting from another side. It's it's

822
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:45,600
Speaker 1: it's fun getting to see her interact with the world

823
00:42:46,239 --> 00:42:49,520
Speaker 1: and have the little lessons that I teach her, But

824
00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:52,719
Speaker 1: it's also terrifying because I was a boy. I know

825
00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:57,960
Speaker 1: those conversations look like when nobody's around. And I also

826
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,879
Speaker 1: know that if you're a boy or a man who

827
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,560
Speaker 1: was critically unaware of self, you can hurt a lot

828
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:06,600
Speaker 1: of people would never see it as damage. So it's

829
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:09,440
Speaker 1: challenges for me because I feel like I'm giving my

830
00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:12,200
Speaker 1: six year with the keys. You know what I'm saying, Yeah,

831
00:43:12,239 --> 00:43:14,919
Speaker 1: you're a bomb driving, But it's the other people out

832
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:18,840
Speaker 1: on the road that we got worried, right That is

833
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:23,840
Speaker 1: parenthood and the nutshell, I'm always worried about everybody else.

834
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 1: We Oh my gosh, that what you just said, that

835
00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:30,600
Speaker 1: was that was that was a message. That was a

836
00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 1: message because we we talked about this all the time.

837
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:37,040
Speaker 1: I'm working my hardest to make the best human possible,

838
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:40,040
Speaker 1: to make the best decisions, But in my heart, I'm

839
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:43,160
Speaker 1: still concerned about all the billions of people in the world.

840
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:48,160
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying that might hurt my children exactly.

841
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,880
Speaker 1: Like we joked, We joked about it, but I lokey

842
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:54,200
Speaker 1: might be a little bit serious about Like I understand

843
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:57,360
Speaker 1: why people have arranged marriages, for example, like cultures do

844
00:43:57,440 --> 00:44:00,520
Speaker 1: it because it's just like you can just foresee sometimes,

845
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:03,279
Speaker 1: like you know, there's a great family with that's raising

846
00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:05,800
Speaker 1: a great person, and you have another great family raising

847
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:07,960
Speaker 1: a great person. They're coming from great stock. It's like,

848
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:10,440
Speaker 1: let's get these two people together. You know. You know

849
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:12,640
Speaker 1: it's funny. He said something that when you when you

850
00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:14,919
Speaker 1: live in a place of male privilege, you can walk

851
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:18,280
Speaker 1: around hurting people not realizing that you're doing damage. Right,

852
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:20,080
Speaker 1: And I had told one of my boys who had

853
00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:21,719
Speaker 1: a daughter. I said, listen, if I had a girl,

854
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:24,719
Speaker 1: I probably would be more in line with doing an

855
00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:27,319
Speaker 1: arranged marriage because I want to know the parents and

856
00:44:27,400 --> 00:44:31,640
Speaker 1: know that they raised an emotionally aware son that's gonna

857
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:35,239
Speaker 1: take care of my daughter. Because I fear. I would

858
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:38,680
Speaker 1: fear that somebody's son would do damage to my daughter

859
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:41,799
Speaker 1: because of male privilege. And I think that what what

860
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:44,920
Speaker 1: you just said, that that's almost my my moment of truth.

861
00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:48,160
Speaker 1: Like we as people have to be aware that if

862
00:44:48,239 --> 00:44:52,160
Speaker 1: you are raising boys, that male privilege can do damage

863
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:55,840
Speaker 1: to other people without them knowing. And if you're raising daughters,

864
00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 1: you have to be aware that they can be damaged

865
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:03,000
Speaker 1: by someone who doesn't know they're doing damage. So let's

866
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:06,239
Speaker 1: work on on working that problem out as opposed to

867
00:45:06,320 --> 00:45:08,719
Speaker 1: pointing the finger and blaming. Let's get to the root

868
00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:11,439
Speaker 1: of it, no doubt. And men have to be men,

869
00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:15,200
Speaker 1: the boys too, because it's cute when you're ten year

870
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:19,640
Speaker 1: old son has a girl he likes. But on the

871
00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:22,840
Speaker 1: other side, oh, attend your old boy brought you some flowers.

872
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:26,239
Speaker 1: Let me go get my gun, you know, and like,

873
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:33,759
Speaker 1: what are you doing? Because I'll be that mom. But

874
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:35,960
Speaker 1: it shows the lack of grace that even men have

875
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:39,799
Speaker 1: other men. So it's that's true. You know, you can't

876
00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:42,279
Speaker 1: control that boy that can harm her, but you can

877
00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:45,399
Speaker 1: have a conversation with you know, you can. Don't wait,

878
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:47,799
Speaker 1: come inside and talk to me for a minute and

879
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:49,640
Speaker 1: get to get to see who he is as a

880
00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:52,040
Speaker 1: young man, as a human being, you know, see if

881
00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:54,080
Speaker 1: you can give him a little bit encouragement. You don't

882
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:55,600
Speaker 1: know what he got going on at home, but what

883
00:45:55,760 --> 00:45:59,239
Speaker 1: his deafences are. Uh So, it's it's a lot there,

884
00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:01,960
Speaker 1: it's a lot. I think it's also to just having

885
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:04,279
Speaker 1: that openness as parents now, Like I think about the

886
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:06,160
Speaker 1: way I was raised to it's like, you know, my

887
00:46:06,200 --> 00:46:07,800
Speaker 1: mom and dad weren't trying to hear nothing about me

888
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:12,240
Speaker 1: bringing no boy, no how nowhere you know, we're married,

889
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:14,400
Speaker 1: and they still be like, I don't know about this

890
00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:17,279
Speaker 1: guy over here. But just having that openness and not

891
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:19,399
Speaker 1: just being so quick to be like no, no, no.

892
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:22,279
Speaker 1: I think having those conversations now, even if we know

893
00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:24,960
Speaker 1: with something innocent and they tend you know what I mean,

894
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:27,200
Speaker 1: But even when they're coming to you know, for problem,

895
00:46:27,239 --> 00:46:29,960
Speaker 1: when he's sixteen and seventeen, I would appreciate the family

896
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:33,160
Speaker 1: that wants to know who my son is making that

897
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:36,080
Speaker 1: introduction instead of just you know, oh, let me go

898
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:37,960
Speaker 1: get uncle such and such and such and such to

899
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:40,440
Speaker 1: intimidate him so he feels like he can't even be

900
00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:44,360
Speaker 1: himself in this space, you know. So look at that

901
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:51,160
Speaker 1: perspective about listening up, getting my little Joe back after

902
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:58,760
Speaker 1: the kids and sucked me dry. Lord, can't forget the points.

903
00:46:58,920 --> 00:47:01,640
Speaker 1: Can't forget the points. Um, So here, I know you've

904
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:03,240
Speaker 1: got a lot going on with the with the baby,

905
00:47:03,280 --> 00:47:05,520
Speaker 1: with the babies on the other side. Um, do you

906
00:47:05,560 --> 00:47:07,520
Speaker 1: have a couple more minutes to join us for listening

907
00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:11,600
Speaker 1: letters or do you gotta dip? Yeah, we got two

908
00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:15,839
Speaker 1: quick listening letters. Yeah, yeah, we go, we go cheek,

909
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:18,040
Speaker 1: we go chee. All right, cool, so let's um take

910
00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:19,719
Speaker 1: a quick break. We're gonna pay some bills and come

911
00:47:19,760 --> 00:47:23,719
Speaker 1: back to have care give his two cents with a

912
00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:27,080
Speaker 1: listening letters. So you're gonna have a totalist six cents. Okay,

913
00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:37,759
Speaker 1: six of them. We'll be back. All right, We're back

914
00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:40,959
Speaker 1: listening letter time. We're gonna dive right in. I'm gonna

915
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:42,839
Speaker 1: get into the first one. We'll go ahead and read that,

916
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:45,239
Speaker 1: and then here, since you're our special guest today, you

917
00:47:45,239 --> 00:47:48,520
Speaker 1: can give your um, your perspective or some advice to

918
00:47:48,560 --> 00:47:52,120
Speaker 1: our writer in today. UM, love you guys and listen

919
00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:54,319
Speaker 1: to you all the time. What do you do when

920
00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:58,200
Speaker 1: your husband is constantly pissing you off? I'm always upset

921
00:47:58,239 --> 00:48:00,560
Speaker 1: at my husband for petty things, and I can't let go,

922
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:04,080
Speaker 1: and we'll always go days without talking to him. I

923
00:48:04,160 --> 00:48:06,719
Speaker 1: just can't let it go, and we'll be angry for days,

924
00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:10,279
Speaker 1: which I think is toxic. Ya think how do you

925
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:13,560
Speaker 1: deal with petty arguments? So this falls under one of

926
00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:18,160
Speaker 1: the four horsemen of behaviors. UM. This one is called stonewalling.

927
00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:25,280
Speaker 1: Stonewalling is when you intentionally wall yourself from a person verbally,

928
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:30,000
Speaker 1: UM emotionally, however, you just create space between you and

929
00:48:30,040 --> 00:48:35,280
Speaker 1: that person with silence, with distance. Uh. One thing that

930
00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:39,200
Speaker 1: you can do. One other times, when I won't give

931
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:41,600
Speaker 1: you advice, I'll tell you what I see. When couples

932
00:48:41,600 --> 00:48:43,279
Speaker 1: come in and they have this problem a lot, it

933
00:48:43,440 --> 00:48:47,720
Speaker 1: usually comes from one party, usually the most disturbed party,

934
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:54,279
Speaker 1: not explaining. Uh. There their tips in a way one

935
00:48:54,360 --> 00:48:57,920
Speaker 1: that their partner can understand, uh, in a way that

936
00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 1: doesn't make them feel accused or blame more minimized. And too,

937
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:06,000
Speaker 1: they don't really explain it as well as they think. Uh. Example,

938
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,960
Speaker 1: if you're a teacher, because that's you're teaching people how

939
00:49:09,000 --> 00:49:11,760
Speaker 1: to treat you, you're teaching your husband what you're wanting.

940
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:14,400
Speaker 1: What sets you when you're a teacher, your student doesn't

941
00:49:14,440 --> 00:49:17,200
Speaker 1: get the message. Sometimes this is hard for people to take,

942
00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:19,759
Speaker 1: but sometimes you have to explain it to day. It's

943
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:22,359
Speaker 1: the teacher's job to change the message, to make sure

944
00:49:22,360 --> 00:49:24,600
Speaker 1: the student is picking it up the way they're putting

945
00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:27,480
Speaker 1: it down. If you can recognize that it's petty, I

946
00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:30,520
Speaker 1: think that's awesome. That means you recognize as a conflict

947
00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:34,120
Speaker 1: you should be doing and what you're actually doing. Uh.

948
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:37,160
Speaker 1: Number one, I would say I'd recommend therapy, individual therapy.

949
00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:40,120
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna recommend complish individual because that's a

950
00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:42,680
Speaker 1: problem that you have beyond your husband. He's just in

951
00:49:42,719 --> 00:49:46,400
Speaker 1: front of you, and um, I recommen therapy. And to

952
00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:49,800
Speaker 1: uh start writing down, journal right down all the things

953
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:51,759
Speaker 1: he does to piss you off. Write them down, Write

954
00:49:51,760 --> 00:49:53,480
Speaker 1: them down free form, just for like an hour, sit

955
00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:55,439
Speaker 1: down with coffee. Just write them down, write them down,

956
00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:57,160
Speaker 1: and let's start to look at them and see if

957
00:49:57,200 --> 00:50:00,520
Speaker 1: they have any similarities, see if there any consist You

958
00:50:00,520 --> 00:50:03,680
Speaker 1: can see these things and they ask yourself, what about

959
00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:06,160
Speaker 1: this thing that he does upsets me the most? Is

960
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,880
Speaker 1: it the way it makes me feel? Is it the

961
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:10,719
Speaker 1: way I think he looks at me? Does it say

962
00:50:10,719 --> 00:50:12,920
Speaker 1: something about that. Do I not feel loved? Doing I

963
00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:14,719
Speaker 1: feel supported? Try to get to the bottom of the

964
00:50:14,719 --> 00:50:19,239
Speaker 1: way you feel. That's pretty good, because I'm wondering when

965
00:50:19,280 --> 00:50:21,520
Speaker 1: she said he just pisces her off. Is it something

966
00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:23,840
Speaker 1: simple and petty, like I don't like the way this

967
00:50:23,920 --> 00:50:26,360
Speaker 1: nig is chewing today. He's making too much noise chewing

968
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:30,319
Speaker 1: or is it actually like very personally that's how you be.

969
00:50:30,680 --> 00:50:33,640
Speaker 1: She cares, she's a she's a people watcher, and every

970
00:50:33,680 --> 00:50:36,160
Speaker 1: time I eat, she just real quiet, her eyes get big,

971
00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:39,160
Speaker 1: and she's just be looking at me like you over

972
00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:41,920
Speaker 1: person to talk to because I'm people watch it too,

973
00:50:41,960 --> 00:50:45,960
Speaker 1: and I hate people chewing. Man, Thank you? How am

974
00:50:45,960 --> 00:50:47,600
Speaker 1: I supposed to get the food down? You want me

975
00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:50,160
Speaker 1: to deep throat the food? Pause like I gotta chew

976
00:50:50,239 --> 00:50:53,720
Speaker 1: that motherfucker first and then swallow it like a goose.

977
00:50:57,320 --> 00:50:59,839
Speaker 1: That's what she wants. She wants to take a bite. Yeah,

978
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:02,520
Speaker 1: but I also need you to be like Edward the

979
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:06,040
Speaker 1: Cow when at the same time, you know, I'm we're

980
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:09,680
Speaker 1: in the movies, I'm eating nachos, and I'm like, I'm

981
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:11,400
Speaker 1: doing everything she wants me to do. I'm wrapping my

982
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:15,479
Speaker 1: lips around the whole chip, but the chip crunches because

983
00:51:15,480 --> 00:51:17,719
Speaker 1: it's a nacho. Every time I bite down, I hear

984
00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:20,560
Speaker 1: her go. I'm like, what do you do? Do you

985
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:22,680
Speaker 1: lick your nacho to make it soft first before you

986
00:51:22,760 --> 00:51:24,640
Speaker 1: chew it? Like, what do you do to your nacho?

987
00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:27,440
Speaker 1: Certain foods that need to be exempt from movie theaters?

988
00:51:27,520 --> 00:51:29,520
Speaker 1: Nachos is one of them. Like, just don't do it,

989
00:51:29,560 --> 00:51:35,440
Speaker 1: but I love them with the llapeno she gets. She

990
00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:38,839
Speaker 1: gets nachos every time I know how to chew it. Yo,

991
00:51:38,920 --> 00:51:41,600
Speaker 1: you cheating? Me would loud, but I just don't be

992
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:47,520
Speaker 1: annoyed by petty here. This is this is my life, bro,

993
00:51:47,560 --> 00:51:51,719
Speaker 1: this is my life here, this is Come on, buy

994
00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:54,600
Speaker 1: one of these good old days. You get living color

995
00:51:56,480 --> 00:51:58,040
Speaker 1: all right on its number two. I think that was

996
00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:00,440
Speaker 1: some pretty sound advice, though, right, I'm not going after

997
00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:02,800
Speaker 1: after he give them advice. I'm not going after you.

998
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:04,960
Speaker 1: I'm saying, you can read the second you want me

999
00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:08,520
Speaker 1: to read the second one the second. We're splittings today,

1000
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:11,480
Speaker 1: Dear Codeine and de Vo, y'all are true inspirations. Thank

1001
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:13,200
Speaker 1: you so much. I pray that me and my man

1002
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:15,439
Speaker 1: can get as far as y'all are to keep working

1003
00:52:15,520 --> 00:52:17,919
Speaker 1: y'all A be further. We are still fresh, just making

1004
00:52:17,920 --> 00:52:20,240
Speaker 1: a year. Although we knew each other over five years.

1005
00:52:20,239 --> 00:52:23,400
Speaker 1: When we officially got together, we automatically clicked. Things happened

1006
00:52:23,480 --> 00:52:25,640
Speaker 1: so quickly. Now we live with each other and we

1007
00:52:25,719 --> 00:52:28,279
Speaker 1: have a new born. I was already two kids in

1008
00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:30,240
Speaker 1: when he came in the picture, so now he's also

1009
00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:33,319
Speaker 1: considering them his kids as well. That's amazing. I know

1010
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:35,480
Speaker 1: this sounds good and sounds like no reason for me

1011
00:52:35,520 --> 00:52:37,720
Speaker 1: to write, y'all, But now I will address the reason

1012
00:52:37,760 --> 00:52:40,000
Speaker 1: for me writing, y'all. We both grew up different, so

1013
00:52:40,040 --> 00:52:42,400
Speaker 1: he has his ways. He sees and does things, and

1014
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:45,000
Speaker 1: he catches a big attitude when these things, when things

1015
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:47,520
Speaker 1: are not done the way he wants them, when it's

1016
00:52:47,520 --> 00:52:50,480
Speaker 1: not even necessary to have one. He also has this

1017
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:52,759
Speaker 1: ego where he thinks he's better than people, and he

1018
00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:54,960
Speaker 1: does it to me in arguments. He says he's not

1019
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:57,600
Speaker 1: saying it to hurt me, but to help me. He's

1020
00:52:57,600 --> 00:52:59,920
Speaker 1: the only person to say what he is saying to me,

1021
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:02,840
Speaker 1: so I look at it as it's his issue. He

1022
00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:05,280
Speaker 1: is a great loyal guy and we have a good connection.

1023
00:53:05,400 --> 00:53:08,319
Speaker 1: His temperament is his biggest flaw and I blame it

1024
00:53:08,320 --> 00:53:10,680
Speaker 1: on his childhood. He doesn't know how to use his

1025
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:13,279
Speaker 1: words when he's angry, and it pisces me off. How

1026
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:16,120
Speaker 1: can I help him express himself without so much anger

1027
00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:21,040
Speaker 1: and hurtfulness, so without greater context into their relationship. That's

1028
00:53:21,040 --> 00:53:23,160
Speaker 1: really hard at that set because she said a lot,

1029
00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:24,879
Speaker 1: thank you for that, but I'm sure there's a lot

1030
00:53:24,920 --> 00:53:28,280
Speaker 1: that wasn't said as well, just because you can't squish

1031
00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:31,960
Speaker 1: the whole relationship into an email. Um, I don't know

1032
00:53:32,120 --> 00:53:35,600
Speaker 1: a viable way to get through to someone who has

1033
00:53:35,719 --> 00:53:41,520
Speaker 1: childhood trauma that impacts their functioning in a relationship that

1034
00:53:41,719 --> 00:53:46,320
Speaker 1: severely without therapy, and I don't know another intervention. Maybe

1035
00:53:46,440 --> 00:53:48,520
Speaker 1: the closest would be a very close group of friends

1036
00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:50,600
Speaker 1: to have an intervention with him, but they would have

1037
00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:53,040
Speaker 1: to see the problem the same way she does for

1038
00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:56,480
Speaker 1: it to be solved to her satisfactions. That wouldn't work. Um,

1039
00:53:57,160 --> 00:54:00,640
Speaker 1: I'm gonna stick with therapy, I think in that's hard

1040
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:02,319
Speaker 1: to get someone to go to therapy. I'm sure there

1041
00:54:02,320 --> 00:54:05,839
Speaker 1: will be a reluctance. My best advice would be one

1042
00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:07,479
Speaker 1: of the one of the best ways to get someone

1043
00:54:07,520 --> 00:54:10,080
Speaker 1: go to therapy is to go to therapy. Yourself to

1044
00:54:10,200 --> 00:54:13,239
Speaker 1: start therapy, go to the sessions and have that and

1045
00:54:13,280 --> 00:54:17,200
Speaker 1: just let it be a thing in casual conversation, let them,

1046
00:54:17,560 --> 00:54:19,840
Speaker 1: let them you could bring up the things you've come across,

1047
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:22,040
Speaker 1: your aha mo moments. They'll see the change in you.

1048
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:24,600
Speaker 1: That's one of the biggest kindles to have another person

1049
00:54:24,760 --> 00:54:27,279
Speaker 1: go to individual therapy is for them to see the

1050
00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:29,759
Speaker 1: change in you. I'm sure you expected like a quick

1051
00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:32,400
Speaker 1: fixed answer. There's no quick fix in that situation. You

1052
00:54:32,440 --> 00:54:35,640
Speaker 1: don't grow through child childhood trauma if you don't address it,

1053
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:38,880
Speaker 1: you just grow around it, right, I mean, no, this

1054
00:54:38,960 --> 00:54:40,600
Speaker 1: is exactly what we talked about. We get a lot

1055
00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:42,319
Speaker 1: of these listener letters and the first thing we say

1056
00:54:42,360 --> 00:54:43,759
Speaker 1: is all the time like, dang, I wish I had

1057
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:46,879
Speaker 1: more context. I don't know how to help you. Of course,

1058
00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:49,239
Speaker 1: if I'm only hearing one perspective, um, it would be

1059
00:54:49,239 --> 00:54:52,640
Speaker 1: better if couples created or drafted an email together so

1060
00:54:52,760 --> 00:54:55,680
Speaker 1: we could understand both perspectives. But typically is one person

1061
00:54:56,040 --> 00:54:58,440
Speaker 1: and a lot of times it's us trying to guess

1062
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:01,839
Speaker 1: and say, well, what came first to chicken over the egg?

1063
00:55:02,200 --> 00:55:05,040
Speaker 1: You know, like how did this start? So I'm not

1064
00:55:05,120 --> 00:55:09,240
Speaker 1: I actually appreciate that answer because it's a tangible answer.

1065
00:55:09,600 --> 00:55:13,480
Speaker 1: There's no abstract thought of what if it's here? Mama,

1066
00:55:13,760 --> 00:55:15,480
Speaker 1: you want to see change with him, how about going

1067
00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:18,160
Speaker 1: to therapy so he can recognize the changing you and

1068
00:55:18,200 --> 00:55:21,000
Speaker 1: hopefully that will help him. I actually like that idea. Yeah, definitely,

1069
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:24,640
Speaker 1: I think that's dope. Care you won't come back and

1070
00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:26,920
Speaker 1: talk to us. We had a couple more seasons to do.

1071
00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:30,399
Speaker 1: We also got the live show, the live show, Live

1072
00:55:30,440 --> 00:55:32,879
Speaker 1: show to sum of y'all, y'all heard it first? Where

1073
00:55:32,920 --> 00:55:36,839
Speaker 1: you based that again? I forget what'd you say where

1074
00:55:36,920 --> 00:55:39,680
Speaker 1: you based? I'm in d C, but I moved around. So,

1075
00:55:40,200 --> 00:55:43,960
Speaker 1: oh yeah, we're doing a live show in DC. We're

1076
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:47,520
Speaker 1: gonna do a d shown. You're definitely gonna have We

1077
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:49,080
Speaker 1: definitely gonna have you on a live show in DC.

1078
00:55:49,200 --> 00:55:53,160
Speaker 1: That gains I love it, I love it. I love it. Well, brother,

1079
00:55:53,239 --> 00:55:54,880
Speaker 1: We thank you for your time. We don't want to

1080
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:56,640
Speaker 1: hold you up anymore. I know you've got them girls

1081
00:55:56,640 --> 00:55:59,759
Speaker 1: waiting for you on that you know behind the zoom um.

1082
00:55:59,840 --> 00:56:01,279
Speaker 1: But we're so happy that we had a chance to

1083
00:56:01,360 --> 00:56:05,600
Speaker 1: chat with you today. And just I was very I

1084
00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:07,520
Speaker 1: think I gained a lot, just listening to you guys talk.

1085
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:09,279
Speaker 1: This is almost like a guy session that I kind

1086
00:56:09,280 --> 00:56:12,120
Speaker 1: of had, you know again on So I appreciate you

1087
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:13,920
Speaker 1: being here, taking the time to chat with us. I

1088
00:56:13,960 --> 00:56:15,960
Speaker 1: know our viewers and our listeners are going to be

1089
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:20,680
Speaker 1: super excited to hear that we got Mr care Gains. Yeah.

1090
00:56:20,719 --> 00:56:24,000
Speaker 1: I love it, Thank you, thank you me? Uh well,

1091
00:56:24,040 --> 00:56:26,320
Speaker 1: how do you say it? A long time listen to

1092
00:56:26,400 --> 00:56:28,480
Speaker 1: first time called that love of pod. You're do an

1093
00:56:28,480 --> 00:56:32,040
Speaker 1: amazing job. I love it For people who may not

1094
00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:34,200
Speaker 1: know who you are. Y'all better get on it, okay

1095
00:56:34,200 --> 00:56:36,759
Speaker 1: because you're late. I tell them where they can find you.

1096
00:56:36,760 --> 00:56:39,080
Speaker 1: Your handles, all your all your things. You got going

1097
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:41,960
Speaker 1: on for sure, so you can find me on Twitter, Instagram.

1098
00:56:42,160 --> 00:56:44,200
Speaker 1: And I don't really do TikTok. Let's just do Twitter

1099
00:56:44,200 --> 00:56:50,280
Speaker 1: and Instagram. At Care games r gains some family content,

1100
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:53,759
Speaker 1: a lot of mental health content, taking big perspectives and

1101
00:56:53,760 --> 00:56:56,080
Speaker 1: making them work for you. Stop by with love to Happy.

1102
00:56:56,120 --> 00:56:59,880
Speaker 1: It's the dope community. Bro. I'm gonna tell you this.

1103
00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:04,200
Speaker 1: I love you, no pause, black man, the black man Bro.

1104
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:06,360
Speaker 1: I love you man. I love you too, man, I

1105
00:57:06,400 --> 00:57:08,239
Speaker 1: love you too, and I love the both of y'all

1106
00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:10,359
Speaker 1: and everything, y'all represent people. I was like, oh man,

1107
00:57:10,400 --> 00:57:12,320
Speaker 1: you need to meet the vow Alice. I'm like, I

1108
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:18,680
Speaker 1: already know them. Tell them this is what we do.

1109
00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:21,720
Speaker 1: I love it. Give my love to the girls, and no, Mammy,

1110
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:23,600
Speaker 1: we'd love to have y'all too, maybe back for a

1111
00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:29,760
Speaker 1: couple of situations. Definitely, definitely we both out of postpartum woods. Yeah, yeah,

1112
00:57:29,840 --> 00:57:32,760
Speaker 1: she would love that. We will both love that conversation.

1113
00:57:33,520 --> 00:57:34,960
Speaker 1: All right, y'all. If you want to be featured as

1114
00:57:34,960 --> 00:57:37,160
Speaker 1: one of our listener letters you want to do, email

1115
00:57:37,240 --> 00:57:40,800
Speaker 1: us at dead Advice at gmail dot com. That's d

1116
00:57:40,880 --> 00:57:43,640
Speaker 1: E A d A S s A d V I

1117
00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:46,880
Speaker 1: c E because says I always leave off the E

1118
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:50,880
Speaker 1: because I say see at gmail dot com. That was

1119
00:57:50,920 --> 00:57:53,080
Speaker 1: a great conversation. Sidebar. I was just sitting back here

1120
00:57:53,120 --> 00:57:54,880
Speaker 1: just watching the tool, y'all, like this is great. I

1121
00:57:54,920 --> 00:57:56,680
Speaker 1: almost feel like I was a fly on the wall

1122
00:57:56,800 --> 00:57:58,640
Speaker 1: on the Men's episode almost, you know what I mean,

1123
00:57:58,680 --> 00:58:01,080
Speaker 1: Because it's going on here is like a wealth of

1124
00:58:01,120 --> 00:58:04,520
Speaker 1: knowledge sharing his dope. Um. He has a great I

1125
00:58:04,560 --> 00:58:06,560
Speaker 1: can feel the rapper come out of him when he

1126
00:58:06,600 --> 00:58:10,000
Speaker 1: starts to talk because he's he's also a performer, so

1127
00:58:10,040 --> 00:58:14,000
Speaker 1: he's engaging, yes, and it's conviction. He's super intelligent. He

1128
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:16,160
Speaker 1: doesn't waste any words, which is great when you have

1129
00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:19,120
Speaker 1: something a guest on. But my moment of truth is this,

1130
00:58:20,360 --> 00:58:25,360
Speaker 1: as a man, understanding your privilege in the world and

1131
00:58:25,920 --> 00:58:30,400
Speaker 1: understanding that under everything comes down to perspectives will allow

1132
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:33,760
Speaker 1: you to be a lot more emotionally mature because then

1133
00:58:33,800 --> 00:58:35,800
Speaker 1: you can sit down and try to listen to what

1134
00:58:35,840 --> 00:58:38,840
Speaker 1: people are saying and just understanding where they're coming from

1135
00:58:38,840 --> 00:58:42,200
Speaker 1: on their side as opposed to being so defensive. And

1136
00:58:42,240 --> 00:58:45,720
Speaker 1: it's difficult for black men because when you say privilege,

1137
00:58:46,160 --> 00:58:49,160
Speaker 1: black men often say, I have not been privileged in America,

1138
00:58:49,240 --> 00:58:51,120
Speaker 1: which is true, I have not been privileged in the world.

1139
00:58:51,360 --> 00:58:54,120
Speaker 1: But when you're speaking to your spouse, you're significant other,

1140
00:58:54,160 --> 00:58:56,320
Speaker 1: who's a woman, you have to understand that when it

1141
00:58:56,360 --> 00:58:59,760
Speaker 1: comes to males and females, males have been walking around

1142
00:58:59,760 --> 00:59:04,600
Speaker 1: with a ton of privilege regardless of whatever race or

1143
00:59:04,600 --> 00:59:08,640
Speaker 1: ethnicity you you see yourself as. So I think that

1144
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:12,080
Speaker 1: all of us as men need to start understanding and

1145
00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:15,720
Speaker 1: accepting that when we walk. When we talk about emotional maturity,

1146
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:20,040
Speaker 1: I love that and um and talking about emotional maturity

1147
00:59:20,040 --> 00:59:22,600
Speaker 1: and being a black woman who loves on a black

1148
00:59:22,640 --> 00:59:26,320
Speaker 1: man and who is raising black men, UM, black boys

1149
00:59:26,320 --> 00:59:28,880
Speaker 1: who will be black men. UM. I want to continue

1150
00:59:28,880 --> 00:59:33,280
Speaker 1: to encourage black women to be the safe space for

1151
00:59:33,440 --> 00:59:35,560
Speaker 1: men to be able to open up and to express

1152
00:59:35,600 --> 00:59:37,640
Speaker 1: how they feel. And I know I've in the past

1153
00:59:37,680 --> 00:59:39,919
Speaker 1: had mentioned sometimes like, oh, you're telling me how you feel.

1154
00:59:39,960 --> 00:59:42,800
Speaker 1: It's like you're bitching and moaning, But it's not necessarily

1155
00:59:42,840 --> 00:59:45,000
Speaker 1: a bit or a moan. Is that you're actually opening

1156
00:59:45,080 --> 00:59:47,160
Speaker 1: up to me. And I should appreciate and we should

1157
00:59:47,160 --> 00:59:49,960
Speaker 1: appreciate when our men are attempting to open up and

1158
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:54,320
Speaker 1: say how they feel, not making them feel um less than,

1159
00:59:54,480 --> 00:59:57,080
Speaker 1: or not making them feel as if they're inadequate, or

1160
00:59:57,120 --> 01:00:00,240
Speaker 1: not making them feel that they cannot open up, because

1161
01:00:00,240 --> 01:00:02,120
Speaker 1: that's what we've been begging for for so long. So

1162
01:00:02,200 --> 01:00:05,280
Speaker 1: embracing that when our men are deciding to open up

1163
01:00:05,280 --> 01:00:06,760
Speaker 1: to us, to let them know, let us know how

1164
01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:09,480
Speaker 1: they feel. All right, I'm talking to my baby. I

1165
01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:12,400
Speaker 1: love you all right, sounds good, y'all? All right? I

1166
01:00:12,440 --> 01:00:15,160
Speaker 1: felt like my I came to eat for this episode.

1167
01:00:15,200 --> 01:00:18,240
Speaker 1: I feel full. I feel full, all right. UM. Be

1168
01:00:18,320 --> 01:00:21,040
Speaker 1: sure to follow us on social media, y'all, um Kire

1169
01:00:21,080 --> 01:00:22,760
Speaker 1: told you where to find him, but you can find

1170
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:25,640
Speaker 1: us dead as the Podcast on Instagram and all the

1171
01:00:25,680 --> 01:00:28,280
Speaker 1: things um Cadene I am and I am devout And

1172
01:00:28,320 --> 01:00:30,959
Speaker 1: if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,

1173
01:00:31,360 --> 01:00:36,920
Speaker 1: review and subscribe. Dead Ass is a production of I

1174
01:00:37,040 --> 01:00:39,600
Speaker 1: Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by The Noor

1175
01:00:39,680 --> 01:00:43,320
Speaker 1: Opinion and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at

1176
01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:45,480
Speaker 1: dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing