WEBVTT - 4 Lessons I Will Be Taking With Me Into 2024 & How You Can Implement Them 0:00:01.680 --> 0:00:04.240 Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which 0:00:04.280 --> 0:00:06.640 is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:09.080 that it's a primary focus of on Purpose, but on 0:00:09.119 --> 0:00:11.640 a day to day basis, many people don't know where 0:00:11.680 --> 0:00:14.600 to turn or which tools can help. Over the past 0:00:14.600 --> 0:00:17.280 couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make 0:00:17.360 --> 0:00:21.000 mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say, 0:00:21.239 --> 0:00:24.000 fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:28.240 help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep, 0:00:28.480 --> 0:00:31.440 and generally feel better in your daily life. So many 0:00:31.480 --> 0:00:35.000 bite size options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, 0:00:35.360 --> 0:00:39.160 along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out 0:00:39.159 --> 0:00:42.080 my seven minute daily series to help you live more 0:00:42.120 --> 0:00:45.080 mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of On 0:00:45.159 --> 0:00:49.000 Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to Calmpremium at 0:00:49.000 --> 0:00:53.400 Calm dot com forward slash j that's Calm dot com 0:00:53.440 --> 0:00:57.280 forward slash jay for forty percent off. Calm your mind, 0:00:57.640 --> 0:01:02.760 Change your life. Stop sleeping with your phone near your bed, 0:01:03.080 --> 0:01:06.679 allow yourself to wake up without your phone, and sleep 0:01:06.680 --> 0:01:08.679 without your phone because guess what, we're also scrolling just 0:01:08.680 --> 0:01:10.120 before we go to bed, and then in the morning, 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:12.240 we do the same thing. Your brain has no ramp 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:15.280 up period. Your brain basically has no startup mode. It 0:01:15.319 --> 0:01:17.880 has to go from zero to sixty miles per hour 0:01:17.920 --> 0:01:20.880 and three seconds, like a sports car, a supercar. We 0:01:20.920 --> 0:01:24.600 are pressurizing our minds today to process as much as 0:01:24.640 --> 0:01:35.319 seventy four gigabytes a day. Hey everyone, welcome back to 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:39.319 On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:42.039 Thanks to each and every one of you who come 0:01:42.080 --> 0:01:46.319 back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, considering 0:01:46.400 --> 0:01:50.880 this is our last episode of twenty twenty three, I 0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:54.320 can't believe I'm saying that it's incredible how fast this 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:58.440 year is gone. I am wishing and hoping that you 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:03.240 have had a fulfilled and phenomenal year, and despite the 0:02:03.360 --> 0:02:07.640 challenges in setbacks, that you've been able to navigate and 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:11.440 find your way through that change. At the same time, 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:16.400 I'm sitting here recording this wanting to share with you 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:20.000 just how grateful I am that you have allowed me 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:23.200 to join you on walks, that you've allowed me to 0:02:23.360 --> 0:02:26.320 join you while you cook, that you've allowed me to 0:02:26.400 --> 0:02:29.520 join you in the gym. I love seeing your stories, 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:32.760 I love reading your reviews, and I want to thank 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:37.239 you for making us one of the top five podcasts 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:41.520 in the world globally on Spotify and one of the 0:02:41.560 --> 0:02:45.760 top ten on Apple. I want to encourage you to follow, 0:02:46.240 --> 0:02:50.239 like subscribe on the apps, share the podcast. It means 0:02:50.280 --> 0:02:53.320 the world to me. You did that, share that news, 0:02:53.600 --> 0:02:56.680 and thank you so much for believing and on purpose, 0:02:56.760 --> 0:02:59.520 for believing in me, trusting me. And I promise to 0:02:59.560 --> 0:03:02.240 continue you, to try and serve you to the best 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:06.280 of my ability. And I'm so excited for twenty twenty four. 0:03:06.560 --> 0:03:09.560 The growth this year has been phenomenal and it's all 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:12.080 thanks to you. Now, I want to share with you 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:16.760 the key lessons that I'm taking with me into twenty 0:03:16.800 --> 0:03:19.480 twenty four. Often at this time of year, I'll say, well, 0:03:19.480 --> 0:03:21.760 here are my big lessons of twenty twenty three. This 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:24.120 is what I learned. And I did an episode like 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:27.640 that on my birthday on the sixth of September. But 0:03:27.760 --> 0:03:30.240 today I wanted to approach it differently. I wanted to 0:03:30.280 --> 0:03:33.480 share with you lessons that I'm taking with me, that 0:03:33.560 --> 0:03:36.520 i'm taking forward that I believe are going to help 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:39.720 me in the future. Really, that's the point of a lesson, 0:03:40.120 --> 0:03:42.120 right the point of a lesson is in I learned 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:44.560 that great, Thank you so much. Now let's learn a 0:03:44.600 --> 0:03:47.040 new lesson. The point of a lesson is, now that 0:03:47.080 --> 0:03:50.240 I've learned it, I'm actually going to put it into practice. 0:03:50.400 --> 0:03:53.840 I'm actually going to utilize it in the following year. 0:03:54.320 --> 0:03:58.080 So I want to dive straight in and this thing 0:03:58.120 --> 0:04:00.000 I think is going to resonate with a lot of you. 0:04:00.160 --> 0:04:02.240 And it's why it's my big lesson that I want 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:06.040 to take into the new year. It's this idea of 0:04:07.320 --> 0:04:09.120 let me ask you a question. How many of you 0:04:10.200 --> 0:04:15.720 stress about your health or being healthy. How many of 0:04:15.760 --> 0:04:21.040 you stress about meditation. How many of you stress about 0:04:21.080 --> 0:04:23.080 making sure you don't miss a day in your journal. 0:04:23.600 --> 0:04:26.039 How many of you stress to make sure that you 0:04:26.080 --> 0:04:28.560 read your affirmations out in the morning. How many of 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:30.800 you stress that you're not getting to the gym enough 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:34.360 or yoga enough, or whatever else it may be. How 0:04:34.360 --> 0:04:39.400 many of you stress about well being. What I've realized 0:04:39.720 --> 0:04:42.440 is that in this world of wanting to be better, 0:04:42.680 --> 0:04:46.480 do better, grow more, learn more, which by the way, 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:49.800 is beautiful, it's a great way to live. I found 0:04:49.800 --> 0:04:55.359 that often in that journey, we start experiencing more stress, 0:04:55.440 --> 0:05:00.120 we start putting ourselves under greater pressure and stress, and 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:05.880 we have to really understand stress as a spectrum. This 0:05:05.920 --> 0:05:08.640 is something that I'm taking into twenty twenty four. It's huge. 0:05:08.800 --> 0:05:10.600 I want you to write it down right now, take 0:05:10.640 --> 0:05:13.400 a screenshot. I want you to explain this to a friend. 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:17.719 So I was learning about this idea of how it 0:05:17.760 --> 0:05:21.880 can be helpful to look at stress as a scale, 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:25.640 as a spectrum, rather than I am stressed or I'm 0:05:25.680 --> 0:05:31.240 not stressed. Really, there's actually a scale. At one end 0:05:31.360 --> 0:05:37.239 there's you stress spelt eu s t r ss U stress, 0:05:37.800 --> 0:05:41.880 and at the other end there's distress. Now, let me 0:05:41.960 --> 0:05:44.840 explain these and define these for you. When you look 0:05:44.920 --> 0:05:48.400 at the word you stress, what it means is a 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:55.200 positive form of stress having a beneficial effect on health, motivation, performance, 0:05:55.640 --> 0:06:02.000 and emotional wellbeing. Right during positive stress, you stress, such 0:06:02.040 --> 0:06:06.960 as working hard at work for a promotion or feeling 0:06:07.040 --> 0:06:10.000 like you've got the reward of a vacation, feel good 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:14.159 chemicals called endorphins are released. Now, I don't think we 0:06:14.200 --> 0:06:16.760 talk about this a lot. What we talk about is 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:20.200 at the other end of the spectrum, which is distress, 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:24.719 and the definition of distress or the meaning of distress 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:32.839 is great pain, anxiety or sorrow, acute physical or mental suffering, affliction, trouble, 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:36.760 et cetera, et cetera. Right now, I think what we're 0:06:36.880 --> 0:06:40.880 used to experiencing and what we're used to referencing when 0:06:40.920 --> 0:06:45.200 we talk about stress is this idea of distress. So 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:49.119 you stress helps you break through from your comfort zone, 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:51.440 It helps you take on new challenges, it helps you 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:56.719 find motivation, whereas distress is the stress that makes you 0:06:56.800 --> 0:07:01.359 feel overwhelmed. It's what affects your mood. It's that negative 0:07:01.400 --> 0:07:04.760 type of stress that affects your sleep. It's almost like 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:08.680 when you're stressing about sleeping well, or you're stressing about 0:07:08.720 --> 0:07:11.880 the fact that you're stressed when you're not sleeping well, 0:07:12.400 --> 0:07:16.040 and that perpetuates itself. So I want to look at 0:07:16.080 --> 0:07:18.480 stress as a spectrum, and the lesson I'm taking through 0:07:19.400 --> 0:07:22.720 is I need to make sure which level of stress 0:07:23.120 --> 0:07:27.520 I'm putting myself under. This is about the stress you control, 0:07:27.640 --> 0:07:31.120 the stress you allow yourself to experience. Are you putting 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:34.880 you stress onto yourself or are you putting yourself in 0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:38.880 positions of distress? Are you putting stress on yourself to 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:42.920 feel better? To encourage yourself to motivate yourself to move 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:46.640 yourself forward, or are you putting stress on yourself, being 0:07:46.640 --> 0:07:49.480 critical of yourself, saying you're not getting enough done, You're 0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:52.560 too far behind, right, you haven't done enough this year. 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:57.240 It's really really interesting to me because research suggests that 0:07:57.360 --> 0:08:01.760 chronic stress contributes to high blood pressure, promotes the formation 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:05.440 of artery clogging deposits, and causes brain changes that may 0:08:05.480 --> 0:08:11.080 contribute to anxiety, depression, and addiction. And more. Preliminary resets 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:15.920 suggests that chronic stress may also contribute to obesity, both 0:08:15.960 --> 0:08:20.240 through direct mechanisms causing people to eat more or indirectly 0:08:20.600 --> 0:08:23.600 decreasing sleep and exercise. Now, I know you're listening to 0:08:23.640 --> 0:08:26.360 me already, going Jay, this is stressing me out. How 0:08:26.400 --> 0:08:28.559 many of you are listening right now? And the reason 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:31.800 I exposed you to that definition is because we're used 0:08:31.800 --> 0:08:35.840 to hearing something like that and putting ourselves under distress. 0:08:36.000 --> 0:08:38.880 So we hear that and our response is, oh crap, 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:41.960 oh my god, I'm not sleeping enough, I'm not exercising enough, 0:08:42.000 --> 0:08:48.680 I'm not not not right. Whereas you, stress is actually saying, well, 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:52.880 when I work out, when I push myself to work out, 0:08:52.920 --> 0:08:55.480 I actually feel better afterwards. You know what, when I 0:08:55.520 --> 0:08:59.120 actually sleep earlier, I know that I'll be happier tomorrow. 0:08:59.600 --> 0:09:05.760 Your allowing yourself to recognize that success follows your stress, right, 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:09.800 You have an understanding that when I do something that stressful, 0:09:09.960 --> 0:09:12.680 it leads to me being successful. And when I say successful, 0:09:12.720 --> 0:09:15.800 I don't mean materially or financially. I'm talking about the 0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:20.120 fact that you see an intrinsic reward in why you 0:09:20.160 --> 0:09:22.920 sleep early, in why you exercise. So it's now not 0:09:23.160 --> 0:09:25.640 when I don't sleep early enough, I don't work out enough, 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:28.560 I don't eat healthy enough. It's actually saying well, when 0:09:28.640 --> 0:09:32.360 I eat healthy, I feel better, my gut feels better, 0:09:32.400 --> 0:09:36.680 my digestion's better, I feel more energized. I really want 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:39.240 you to take this deeply on board, because I think 0:09:39.360 --> 0:09:44.840 so many of us are living in spaces of distress 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:50.960 and not recognizing just how tiresome it can be to 0:09:51.120 --> 0:09:54.240 keep stressing yourself out. We keep letting stress get the 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:57.560 better of us, or stress gets the best of us 0:09:58.160 --> 0:10:01.400 because we put ourselves under this stress. And I've realized, 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:05.160 whether it's my work goals, my financial goals, my spiritual goals, 0:10:05.200 --> 0:10:10.079 my emotional goals, I have recognized that putting myself under 0:10:10.080 --> 0:10:16.000 distress only makes me less productive, less effective, and less impactful. 0:10:16.120 --> 0:10:18.080 How many times this year be honest with me? How 0:10:18.120 --> 0:10:21.520 many times this year did you put yourself under too 0:10:21.679 --> 0:10:25.440 much stress? Raise your hands, not your heads? How many 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:28.600 times this year, be honest with me? Did you not 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:33.600 allow yourself the benefit of the doubt? How many times 0:10:33.640 --> 0:10:37.320 did you not cut yourself some slack? How many times 0:10:37.400 --> 0:10:40.880 did you make yourself feel worse? What I've found is 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:46.400 that guilt blocks growth. Guilt does not lead to growth. 0:10:46.880 --> 0:10:50.439 Guilt blocks growth. You may have that instant response if 0:10:50.440 --> 0:10:52.800 I want to be better, Notice how that's a positive 0:10:52.800 --> 0:10:56.600 statement versus I'm not good enough. Notice how you're saying 0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:59.880 the same thing, but you're not right. Look at that scent. 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:02.520 I want to be better. I am going to be 0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:06.200 better versus I'm not good enough. How do you think 0:11:06.280 --> 0:11:11.120 your mind and your body react to those statements? When 0:11:11.160 --> 0:11:15.080 you look at the common internal causes of stress, there's 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:19.040 a natural pessimism and negative outlook on life. Hence the 0:11:19.200 --> 0:11:22.760 statement I'm not good enough. What you'll realize is that 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:26.240 we're all living in one of these two modalities. We're 0:11:26.280 --> 0:11:29.880 either living in new stress or distress. Right, So, if 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:32.600 you're in distress, you're saying, I'm not good enough. I'm 0:11:32.600 --> 0:11:35.040 going to be negative about stuff. If you're living in 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:36.800 new stress, you're saying, you know what, I'm going to 0:11:36.880 --> 0:11:39.760 use stress to motivate me. I recognize the value of it. 0:11:40.360 --> 0:11:44.520 Another common internal cause of stress is the inability to 0:11:44.679 --> 0:11:49.000 accept uncertainty. Now here's what we do when we put 0:11:49.120 --> 0:11:52.679 ourselves in distress. We're basically saying, there should have been 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:58.040 a certain result, there should have been a defined, conclusive result. 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:03.080 And without a defined conclusive result, we're like, well, we 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:06.480 must be failures, we must be wrong. Another common internal 0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:11.640 cause is rigid thinking a lack of flexibility. This one's 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:15.440 really really interesting to me because often we think that 0:12:16.320 --> 0:12:19.920 rigid routines and patterns are good for us. And, by 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:21.880 the way, they are good for us. Having a morning 0:12:21.920 --> 0:12:26.559 routine is fantastic. But if you stress that you missed 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:29.640 a day of your morning routine, or maybe you stress 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:34.600 because you missed a aspect of your morning routine. Right, 0:12:34.880 --> 0:12:37.360 you're doing the whole thing. You're meditating, you're working out, 0:12:37.440 --> 0:12:42.040 you're journaling, and then one day you missed journaling. All 0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:45.120 of a sudden, you're throwing it all out. You're saying, 0:12:45.160 --> 0:12:48.439 oh gosh, like just messed up one day, you got 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:50.560 called into work early one day, you had to stay 0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:53.040 up late for work one day, and all of a sudden, 0:12:53.080 --> 0:12:55.760 you're going, God, I just wanted to be able to 0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:58.079 stick to my program. I don't have any flexibility, right. 0:12:58.559 --> 0:13:02.520 That actually causes more stresses us having this belief that 0:13:02.600 --> 0:13:06.720 I have to do the same exact thing every day, which, 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:09.040 by the way, isn't realistic. I want to ask you, 0:13:09.640 --> 0:13:12.720 what activity could you say you have done every day 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:18.440 of your life forever without fail. It's probably breathing, brushing 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:21.440 your teeth, and showering, And even that third one for 0:13:21.480 --> 0:13:24.600 some of you may be questionable, right, but hopefully we 0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:27.280 brush our teeth every day, we breathe of course every day, 0:13:27.640 --> 0:13:29.960 and we shower every day. Those are three things that 0:13:30.000 --> 0:13:32.199 you can say, yes, I've done those three things pretty 0:13:32.280 --> 0:13:36.240 much every day of my life. Beyond that, what else? Eating? 0:13:36.280 --> 0:13:39.160 Of course, drinking water, of course, the obvious things. But 0:13:39.280 --> 0:13:42.600 beyond that, if you took away the basic necessities sleeping, 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:46.000 if you took away the basic necessities, what could you 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:48.880 say you've done every single day of your life? It's 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:51.880 very hard. And so when we get into these rigid 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:54.679 routines and patterns and we say to ourselves, for the 0:13:54.679 --> 0:13:56.560 rest of my life, I'm going to do this every day, 0:13:56.720 --> 0:13:58.640 every single day. I have to do this because if 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:00.360 I don't do this, I'm not going to feel good. 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:02.839 I'm not gonna feel at my best if I don't 0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:05.360 do this. Notice how different that is to a mindset 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:08.680 of saying I feel better when I do this, versus 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:11.240 I'm not gonna feel at my best if I don't 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:15.400 do this. That's distress you stress is I always feel 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:18.120 better when I do this. I'm happy when I do this. 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:23.520 I get to do this. Notice how rigid thinking actually 0:14:23.640 --> 0:14:28.440 just compounds stress. So I'm not saying don't have rigid patterns. 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:31.840 I'm saying, have a different relationship with your rigid patterns. 0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:34.680 Have a different relationship with your morning routine. It's not 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:37.760 a must. It's not a I have to. It's not 0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:41.160 a if I don't. It's a I get to. It's 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:45.600 a this makes me better, it's a imagine what's possible. Right. 0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:49.120 As soon as you see that rigid thinking and lack 0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:53.360 of flexibility leading to negative self talk, start to become 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:58.200 really mindful Another common internal cause of stress is unrealistic 0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:03.400 expectations or perfor fectionism. Now people often look at perfectionism 0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:06.280 as something to strifle. It almost makes you feel like 0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:09.080 you care more. Right. I've often had people say to me, well, Jay, 0:15:09.080 --> 0:15:10.760 if you don't believe in perfectionism, does that mean you 0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:14.200 don't care? And what I've realized is actually, caring too 0:15:14.320 --> 0:15:19.840 much can make what I'm creating worse. It can actually 0:15:19.920 --> 0:15:23.680 make me more anxious. It can actually make me less 0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:25.840 able to do the thing. I'll give an example even 0:15:25.880 --> 0:15:29.080 with on purpose, if I'm extra stressed about a guest 0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:31.840 I'm about to have on I actually believe I have 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:35.120 a worse conversation. I feel that I have better conversations 0:15:35.120 --> 0:15:39.200 when I've prepared enough but not over prepared. And that's 0:15:39.200 --> 0:15:41.440 the word I want to share with you. I want 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:43.520 you to look at your life as how can you 0:15:43.600 --> 0:15:47.320 prepare but not over prepare? How can you create but 0:15:47.440 --> 0:15:50.840 not overcreate? How can you think but not overthink? Notice 0:15:50.840 --> 0:15:56.200 how it's when we add the word over overthink, overcompensate, right, 0:15:56.800 --> 0:15:59.720 over prepare, That's when we're like, well that's a bit 0:15:59.800 --> 0:16:03.520 over at the top, Right, that's the feeling. So when 0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:08.200 it comes to deepening developing a healthier relationship with our 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:11.800 perfectionist mindset. I'm not saying, see, this is what we 0:16:11.840 --> 0:16:15.040 do as humans. We oscillate between two extremes. We go, oh, well, 0:16:15.040 --> 0:16:17.200 I was a perfectionist. Now I'm just gonna do whatever 0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:19.080 comes out. I'm just gonna be quick. And by the way, 0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:21.160 that is the process to get back to the middle. 0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:24.400 So if you meet a friend or if you find 0:16:24.440 --> 0:16:31.440 yourself oscillating between two different extremes, chances are you're actually 0:16:31.600 --> 0:16:36.720 trying to find your middle. You're actually trying to find 0:16:36.920 --> 0:16:41.880 your center. And finding your center is a beautiful thing. 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:43.880 So I'll give an example. If you're someone who was 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:46.960 a people pleaser, and now you're saying, really eye boundaries. 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:48.800 And often when we see our friends do this, we go, 0:16:48.880 --> 0:16:51.600 oh god, they're like overcompensating. But no, we almost have 0:16:51.680 --> 0:16:53.440 to do that in the beginning. If you as someone 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:57.360 who's a perfectionist, you might just need to fail every day, right, 0:16:57.840 --> 0:16:59.960 You might just need to fail every day. You might 0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:02.440 need to take on a minithing every day that allows 0:17:02.520 --> 0:17:06.000 you to break through that desire to be perfect and 0:17:06.119 --> 0:17:09.480 make everything add up and make everything stack up. Notice 0:17:09.520 --> 0:17:13.560 how we have to almost move from one extreme to 0:17:13.600 --> 0:17:16.040 the other to find ourselves in the middle. In order 0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:19.479 to develop a healthy relationship with anything in the world, 0:17:19.840 --> 0:17:22.520 we have to find our center. We have to find 0:17:22.520 --> 0:17:25.199 the middle. But in order to find the middle, we 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:28.080 often have to swing from left to right a few times. 0:17:28.400 --> 0:17:31.520 And as we swing more and more, we start to 0:17:31.680 --> 0:17:34.320 settle in the middle. I want you to ask yourself 0:17:34.320 --> 0:17:38.000 with stress, how many of you go through this with 0:17:38.119 --> 0:17:42.200 stress where you stress yourself out and then you take 0:17:42.200 --> 0:17:44.200 it really easy. And then when you take it really easy, 0:17:44.280 --> 0:17:45.800 you're like, oh, no, I'm taking it too easy on 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:48.480 myself far I need to stress myself out again. That's 0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:52.080 where we're living our unhealthy relationship with anything in the world, 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:54.240 even with our partners. It's like I see my partner 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:56.560 every day. I don't need to see my partner all year, right, 0:17:57.000 --> 0:17:59.960 It's that middle path, It's that middle ground. The Buddhy 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:03.480 used to talk about finding your center. This has been 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:06.960 a big, big lesson. I'm taking into next year finding 0:18:07.040 --> 0:18:09.840 my center with everything I do, trying not to be 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:13.440 an extremist, but trying to find my center. But actually 0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:17.000 I take that back, using being an extremist to find 0:18:17.000 --> 0:18:19.840 my center, not avoiding being an extremist. And by the way, 0:18:19.840 --> 0:18:21.960 when I say extremists, I mean the idea of I'm 0:18:21.960 --> 0:18:24.520 being really healthy, I'm being really unhealthy. I may have 0:18:24.560 --> 0:18:27.000 to use that in order to find the middle. And 0:18:27.040 --> 0:18:30.800 by the way, if I judge myself for saying, oh 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:33.160 my gosh, I've been too stressed out recently, or I'm 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:36.919 not pushing myself enough recently, that is that process of 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:41.439 finding your center. Find your center now. I wanted to 0:18:41.560 --> 0:18:46.439 raise this because I think a lot of us don't 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:53.080 recognize something about how all of us are experiencing lots 0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:55.960 of different stress. And I wanted to raise this because 0:18:56.000 --> 0:19:00.720 there are ten stressful life events. According to a study, 0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:04.479 they found that these are the top stressful life events 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:10.440 for adults. Number one death of a spouse. Naturally, going 0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:12.159 through the death of a spouse can be one of 0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:15.959 the most stressful events of your life. It affects children 0:19:15.960 --> 0:19:18.760 if you have them. It affects a relationship you've developed, 0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:25.280 It reflects a sense of identity, It impacts your ability 0:19:25.320 --> 0:19:28.119 to think about your future. There's so much that is 0:19:28.160 --> 0:19:31.760 affected by that. If you've been through that this year. 0:19:32.640 --> 0:19:34.439 I want to send my prayers in love to you, 0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:37.440 but I please, please, please, I want you to give 0:19:37.480 --> 0:19:41.920 yourself some grace. Number two on the list is divorce. 0:19:43.800 --> 0:19:47.360 I feel like divorces become so common these days that 0:19:47.400 --> 0:19:51.440 we've become somewhat desensitized to it. We just assume that 0:19:51.920 --> 0:19:54.240 if someone's divorced, it's like, yeah, you know I people 0:19:54.240 --> 0:19:56.200 get divorced, get on with it. And it's like, I've 0:19:56.280 --> 0:19:59.120 interviewed people on the podcast this year about going through 0:19:59.160 --> 0:20:03.160 divorces and how difficult and challenging it is. Right, it's 0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:09.480 so challenging emotionally, mentally, spiritually from a family point of view. 0:20:10.000 --> 0:20:12.000 Another one that's on this list is death of a 0:20:12.040 --> 0:20:14.680 close family member. Of course, so many people went through 0:20:14.680 --> 0:20:17.800 this during COVID, and of course this is a regular 0:20:17.840 --> 0:20:21.480 occurrence for so many of us around the world. And 0:20:21.600 --> 0:20:24.040 what I find is that we have this get up 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:26.680 and go attitude where we almost want to walk it off, 0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:28.560 shake it off, right, so I get up the next 0:20:28.640 --> 0:20:32.240 day and move on. And often we even put on 0:20:32.280 --> 0:20:34.080 a brave face. We have to put on a brave 0:20:34.080 --> 0:20:36.919 face for family members, for children, for friends, whatever it 0:20:36.960 --> 0:20:41.960 may be. And it's not that easy. Next on the 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:46.120 list is injury or illness natural for that to be there. 0:20:46.840 --> 0:20:51.399 Next is job sorry, Next is marriage. Marriage is one 0:20:51.400 --> 0:20:54.280 of the most stressful life events. Moving in with someone, 0:20:54.320 --> 0:20:57.000 it's one of the most stressful life events. But we 0:20:57.160 --> 0:20:59.919 underplay these things and we say, what's wrong with me? 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:02.040 What am I doing wrong? Why is everyone else getting 0:21:02.080 --> 0:21:04.159 it right? I'm sharing all of these with you to 0:21:04.240 --> 0:21:06.879 help you realize that if you've been going through stress 0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:10.440 this year, it's natural, it's normal, and I don't want 0:21:10.480 --> 0:21:11.880 you to look at it as a weakness. I don't 0:21:11.880 --> 0:21:14.639 want you to think of it as I'm so weak, 0:21:14.720 --> 0:21:18.280 I'm so lost. Right. The next one is job loss, 0:21:18.800 --> 0:21:21.320 of course makes sense. And then retirement as well. Maybe 0:21:21.359 --> 0:21:23.320 you have a family member or a parent going through 0:21:23.359 --> 0:21:26.320 retirement and maybe they've been acting a bit different. I'm 0:21:26.320 --> 0:21:28.040 also sharing these because I want you to be more 0:21:28.040 --> 0:21:30.679 compassionate to other people. This is a big lesson I'm 0:21:30.680 --> 0:21:34.360 always taking into twenty twenty four is this idea of 0:21:35.240 --> 0:21:41.800 recognizing how different people deal with stress, noticing how unique 0:21:42.080 --> 0:21:46.120 and personal your relationship with stress is and how unique 0:21:46.280 --> 0:21:49.680 everyone else's relationship with stresses. I was talking to someone 0:21:49.760 --> 0:21:51.359 else the other day and they were talking to me 0:21:51.400 --> 0:21:54.080 about how one of their family members is struggling with 0:21:54.080 --> 0:21:58.040 their health and the other family member is in denial. 0:21:58.560 --> 0:22:01.320 And I was saying that, well, sense of denial is 0:22:01.359 --> 0:22:03.920 coming from a sense of fear and care. It's not 0:22:03.960 --> 0:22:09.200 coming from a place of hatred or disregard or being negligent. 0:22:09.280 --> 0:22:11.520 It's actually coming from a place so they're so worried 0:22:11.640 --> 0:22:15.000 or scared to accept the truth. We don't often think 0:22:15.000 --> 0:22:18.600 about it like that, right, this idea of we're so 0:22:18.760 --> 0:22:22.520 scared of people the way they deal with stress. So 0:22:23.000 --> 0:22:25.520 let's move towards you stress. Now, A couple of things 0:22:25.560 --> 0:22:29.080 that have really helped me in my journey with stress is, 0:22:29.119 --> 0:22:32.480 first of all, making a list of all the core 0:22:32.560 --> 0:22:36.359 triggers that I regularly experience of stress. A lot of 0:22:36.400 --> 0:22:39.480 people think that avoiding stress or not thinking about it 0:22:39.520 --> 0:22:42.240 makes it better, but actually exploring it and getting to 0:22:42.320 --> 0:22:45.080 know it better is actually what makes all the difference. 0:22:45.440 --> 0:22:47.960 So when I'm not feeling stressed, I'll make a list 0:22:48.440 --> 0:22:51.080 of what are the things that regularly stress me out. 0:22:51.119 --> 0:22:52.520 It could be a person, it could be a place, 0:22:52.600 --> 0:22:56.840 it could be a project. Now I'll create a response 0:22:57.359 --> 0:23:02.400 that's going to help me deal with that. Right, I'm 0:23:02.440 --> 0:23:04.480 going to create a plan to help me deal with that. 0:23:04.600 --> 0:23:07.159 So let's say I get stressed when I'm invited to 0:23:07.200 --> 0:23:09.520 a social event. Okay, great? What am I going to 0:23:09.600 --> 0:23:13.199 do in order to make that social event more meaningful, 0:23:13.359 --> 0:23:17.399 more purposeful, more thoughtful, more valuable. Am I going to 0:23:17.440 --> 0:23:19.760 seek one person in the networking space to make sure 0:23:19.760 --> 0:23:22.400 I connect deeply? Am I going to practice breath work 0:23:22.440 --> 0:23:25.600 before I leave? Am I going to make sure that 0:23:25.680 --> 0:23:28.159 I've thought about my outfit two weeks in advance, not 0:23:28.200 --> 0:23:31.439 two hours in advance? Right? What can I do to 0:23:31.520 --> 0:23:36.199 support myself in the common occurrences of that situation? I 0:23:36.240 --> 0:23:39.920