Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Now, if you've spent any time online at all, you
Speaker 2: know that there are conspiracy theories about everything.
Speaker 3: The CIA killed Tupac, Paul Rodd is immortal, the moon
Speaker 3: landing faked us. But those are just the obvious ones,
Speaker 3: which is why we have a special segment that reveals
Speaker 3: the conspiracies you never even knew existed.
Speaker 4: Conspiracies. They're everywhere or are they nowhere? Or is that
Speaker 4: exactly what they want you to think?
Speaker 5: So that's where my wallet is.
Speaker 4: Well for every day there's a me. I'm Kevin Matthew Kelp.
Speaker 4: Follow me as I pull back the curtain to find
Speaker 4: the truth behind the curtain. This is project Conspiracy.
Speaker 1: Everywhere we go, vehicles are spying on us cars, unmarked vans,
Speaker 1: roller coasters. But what if I were to tell you
Speaker 1: there was another kind of vehicle monitoring Americans right underneath
Speaker 1: our noses or should I say our mouths. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about ice cream trucks.
Speaker 4: The classic All American ice cream truck seems like just
Speaker 4: an innocent way to get a tasty treat until you
Speaker 4: do some digging. Meet Harry Bert, inventor of the ice
Speaker 4: cream truck in nineteen twenty three, he patented his creation
Speaker 4: with you guessed it, the US government aka the people
Speaker 4: monitoring us so closely they even know my social security
Speaker 4: So why did Burt team up with big Brother? I'll
Speaker 4: tell you why. Because of the massive amount of intel
Speaker 4: these spies cream trucks can gather in plain sight, foot
Speaker 4: traffic patterns, snacking habits a third thing I'll figure out later.
Speaker 4: All they needed was the perfect cover. The ice cream
Speaker 4: brain freed. Oh, it's time to figure out what exactly
Speaker 4: these trucks are up to?
Speaker 6: What chalk at a Claire bar?
Speaker 3: Or?
Speaker 4: Did you already know that?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 6: Actually make it too.
Speaker 1: I'm really hungry and I'm getting ready to do the
Speaker 1: stake out.
Speaker 6: Not for you, though, A dollar? Okay, I hope you
Speaker 6: got what you were looking for, mister ice cream man.
Speaker 4: This is thirty dollars, don't don't. My interaction with the
Speaker 4: ice cream Gestapo seemed normal, all too normal. So I
Speaker 4: kept watching for hours, fighting the temptation to get more
Speaker 4: ice cream, and only succumbing all of the time. Why
Speaker 4: couldn't I resist this truck? That's when I realized they're
Speaker 4: most dangerous with it?
Speaker 2: Uh uh uh.
Speaker 3: The song.
Speaker 4: It's the song, Hey you spine on kids, you pervert?
Speaker 1: No, I mean kind of. But it was never just
Speaker 1: the ice cream.
Speaker 4: The truck siren song was its secret weapon the whole time,
Speaker 4: and I'm going to prove it.
Speaker 6: H rock ice cream.
Speaker 1: Oh I don't have any I was just proving a
Speaker 1: theory and it worked, so thank.
Speaker 6: You Gas ice cream, Run Run Good.
Speaker 1: Music has long been a psychological tool for deep state
Speaker 1: forces like the CIA, the radical Left, and Chili's, convincing
Speaker 1: ordinary citizens to confess, to vote and to eat against
Speaker 1: their own self interest. These kids mathose kids are tough.
Speaker 4: But if I'm ever going to get the real scoop
Speaker 4: on this musical conspiracy, I need to go inside the
Speaker 4: belly of the beast.
Speaker 1: Let's go.
Speaker 6: So this is where everything happens, and this is the
Speaker 6: ice cream truck.
Speaker 1: Okay, man, I'm ready for the job interview. So you
Speaker 1: know we don't make you dress like that anymore? Right?
Speaker 1: So where do you turn on the mind control song?
Speaker 1: Excuse me?
Speaker 4: The ice cream totally normal?
Speaker 1: The jingle?
Speaker 2: So you're some sort of undercover conspiracy reporter.
Speaker 4: How do you know that?
Speaker 1: Who do you work for?
Speaker 2: You put it on your resume?
Speaker 1: That's a typo.
Speaker 2: The whole job description.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I've been made aboard abart.
Speaker 4: I've been made abart abart abort.
Speaker 6: Oh gotch Come on, so do you not want the job?
Speaker 1: Clearly, whatever deep state agency is behind these trucks will
Speaker 1: stop at nothing to stop me from stopping them.
Speaker 4: But don't worry.
Speaker 1: Resistance is possible thanks to these noise canceling headphones. The
Speaker 1: only thing I'll be hooked on is the sweet taste
Speaker 1: of freedom. A lot of the most well known conspiracies
Speaker 1: are about what goes into our bodies fluoride, micro chips, spiders,
Speaker 1: the China he sent to crawl into our mouths while
Speaker 1: we sleep. But there might be one government spy where
Speaker 1: that we've all been overlooking. That's right, fruit, let's go.
Speaker 3: Look.
Speaker 1: Every single piece of fruit has a sticker on it. Apples, pears,
Speaker 1: whatever these are, even the pineapples, Oh God dear.
Speaker 4: These fruit ow.
Speaker 1: These fruit stickers were everywhere, but they weren't the fun
Speaker 1: kind that say things like grape job or I love
Speaker 1: you very much. Instead, they were filled with mysterious numerical codes.
Speaker 4: Granny Smith, how do they know my grandmother's last name?
Speaker 4: I tried everything I could to crack this conspiracy. I
Speaker 4: listed every number I could think of, even seven, but
Speaker 4: it was no use. The codes were unbreakable.
Speaker 1: If I was ever going to blow this conspiracy wide open,
Speaker 1: I'd have to go undercover.
Speaker 5: I love fruit, just love buying fruit. Just an ordinary
Speaker 5: guy buying lots of fruit. You know, you're probably wondering
Speaker 5: why I'm buying so much fruits because I'm.
Speaker 1: Having a fruit party later.
Speaker 4: Okay, unfortunately you can't come, so okay, yeah, hey, I
Speaker 4: did notice that on all the fruit they have these stickers.
Speaker 1: You don't know what that's about, do you? I guess
Speaker 1: so they can track.
Speaker 3: The fruit or something.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, she admitted, or are you talking to
Speaker 1: I forgot the fruit? Oh my god, Oh my god. Okay, so,
Speaker 1: thanks to my espionage skills, we've established it. The codes
Speaker 1: are used for tracking. But now it's time to find
Speaker 1: out who's doing the track. Does anybody know what?
Speaker 4: After my usual investigative techniques turned up nothing.
Speaker 1: Does anybody know where these little stickers come from?
Speaker 4: I was able to find some answers by hacking the
Speaker 4: deep state. Meet the IFPs aka the International Federation for
Speaker 4: Produced Standards aka Secret Globical Ball. Because I've never heard
Speaker 4: of it before, And guess what, they're in cahoots with
Speaker 4: the FDA aka the government. The FDA regulates the adhesives
Speaker 4: on these stickers, and they just so happen to be
Speaker 4: the same shadow organization that recommends you eat three to
Speaker 4: four servings of fruit every day, an amount of fruit
Speaker 4: so ridiculous that anyone who's tried to do it is
Speaker 4: probably consumed two to three stickers without even realizing it.
Speaker 4: Are these stickers tracking the fruit or maybe they're tracking.
Speaker 1: You? So?
Speaker 4: Is the government really trying to trick us into eating
Speaker 4: stickers something every teacher from kindergarten through college told me
Speaker 4: not to do. There's only one way to find out.
Speaker 4: Let's see if my stomach can handle the truth.
Speaker 3: Shore doll with a apple.
Speaker 4: It was immediately clear that eating the sticker turned me
Speaker 4: into a walking GPS for the government. Everywhere I went,
Speaker 4: I was being followed by a big brother. The police
Speaker 4: watched my every move. Secret agents pretended to read newspapers.
Speaker 1: What hey, hey, not so sneaky with your special spy gadget, now,
Speaker 1: are you?
Speaker 4: The evidence couldn't be clear. The FDA is tracking us
Speaker 4: through fruit stickers, more like the food and deceit administration.
Speaker 4: That's actually pretty good. I should write that down. Got
Speaker 4: I already come up with the stuff, Kevin.
Speaker 5: Ah.
Speaker 1: Now that I've uncovered the truth, I can't be a
Speaker 1: part of this corrupt sticker system anymore. And luckily I
Speaker 1: don't need the FDA and their spy fruit because some
Speaker 1: of the best fruit actually is regulated by mother nature.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, m.
Speaker 4: Josh like freedom.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a little funky, okay, bungalow. People always ask
Speaker 1: how I uncover government conspiracies. Simple, It's all about knowing
Speaker 1: where to look, and sometimes you only need to look.
Speaker 4: Right under your feet. Shut up, I'm uncovering a conspiracy here.
Speaker 1: It's probably in on it.
Speaker 4: The mysterious disc that I discovered in the middle of
Speaker 4: a busy street is not uncommon. In fact, I found
Speaker 4: them in every city in the United States New York, Boston, Tulsa, Toronto.
Speaker 4: Seems innocent enough, But what if I told you there
Speaker 4: are portals to a complex network of hidden tunnels buried
Speaker 4: deep underground, thousands of miles of tunnels put there by
Speaker 4: who else, the government? This secret government tunnel system pervades everything.
Speaker 4: The pipes reach into our schools, our businesses, and even
Speaker 4: our homes.
Speaker 1: I didn't consent to this, and until I get the truth,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to become part of this system. Did
Speaker 1: you hear that? You're not getting anything from me? The
Speaker 1: question is what is the government doing with these tunnels?
Speaker 1: Why are they harvesting our bodily fluids? And why aren't
Speaker 1: we allowed to see for ourselves?
Speaker 6: Well?
Speaker 4: I did some digging and it turns out this conspiracy
Speaker 4: goes all the way back to ancient Rome. The Roman
Speaker 4: elders devised a hidden system kept out of the eye
Speaker 4: of the public, called the Kloaca Maxima, which I believe
Speaker 4: translates to giant birdthole. Turns out Old Caesar was a
Speaker 4: part of a conspiracy way darker than sneaking anchovies into
Speaker 4: salad dressing.
Speaker 1: Who else was involved with the thing?
Speaker 4: It was time to get some answers.
Speaker 1: But how could I enter the secret tunnel system? If
Speaker 1: I wanted to find out the truth, I'd have to
Speaker 1: go undercover.
Speaker 5: Let's go, okay, testing testing one to truth three testing.
Speaker 1: As long as you have respect and perseverance, you're going
Speaker 1: to do grades.
Speaker 3: I just want you get down that whole.
Speaker 1: Hello, fellow construction workers, and help you bout oh, I've
Speaker 1: been made so clearly the government's security around this system
Speaker 1: was tighter than I thought. But screw it, I'm just
Speaker 1: going to breach the network myself. Ah ah, wow, must
Speaker 1: be some kind of DARPA magnetic technology, otherwise I'd be
Speaker 1: able to lift that.
Speaker 4: After trying for hours to break the government's high tech seal,
Speaker 4: it became clear there was no way in that.
Speaker 1: But then I had a realization, instead of trying to
Speaker 1: get into the beginning of the tunnels, why not go
Speaker 1: to where they end?
Speaker 4: And to find out where that is, I had to
Speaker 4: go to the dark web. Turns out there are entire
Speaker 4: agencies that no one has ever heard of, dedicated to
Speaker 4: maintaining this secret network of underground tunnels.
Speaker 1: Busted. This government facility hiding and playing site is an
Speaker 1: endpoint where your feces, which contains your DNA, by the way,
Speaker 1: is collected.
Speaker 4: Let's get some answers. Hey, what are you doing with
Speaker 4: our fluids? We have a right to know, sir. This
Speaker 4: is just a wastewater treatment. That's so you admit that
Speaker 4: you have our poop. Briefly, I guess see, I knew it.
Speaker 1: You can't give me moneyball, damn. We may never know
Speaker 1: why the government is harvesting our feces through an elaborate
Speaker 1: network of tubes. But there's one thing I do know.
Speaker 1: They're never gonna get mine because I've sown my butthole.
Speaker 1: Shut check me, Uncle Sam. Explore more shows from the
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Speaker 1: you get your podcasts.
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