WEBVTT - Late Shift 0:00:01.080 --> 0:00:02.240 Attention Shoppers. 0:00:02.320 --> 0:00:06.920 Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about 0:00:06.920 --> 0:00:10.959 a fictional big box store. Any similarity to real stores 0:00:11.080 --> 0:00:14.040 or real people. It completely coincidental. 0:00:17.960 --> 0:00:21.759 Guys, Welcome to the breakthrew and welcome to third shift 0:00:21.840 --> 0:00:25.360 here in our twenty four hour bye. Well, I have 0:00:25.480 --> 0:00:27.840 you all on the late shift for the first time tonight. 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:31.479 Thanks for stepping up since our usual midnight skeleton crew 0:00:31.560 --> 0:00:32.720 is down with COVID. 0:00:32.960 --> 0:00:36.320 Okay, we're getting time and a half for being here. 0:00:36.200 --> 0:00:38.360 Right, Yes, Shila, you're getting time and a half. 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:40.279 I think I'm missing a right to. 0:00:40.720 --> 0:00:43.159 It's gonna be just the five of us in the 0:00:43.200 --> 0:00:46.880 store overnight. It's gonna be like the breakfast club, y'all. 0:00:47.000 --> 0:00:49.400 So does that make you the dick bag principle that 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:50.040 we all hate? 0:00:50.200 --> 0:00:52.199 Does this mean you're buying us breakfast? This is like 0:00:52.240 --> 0:00:53.680 a breakfast for dinner situation. 0:00:54.120 --> 0:00:57.440 Yeah, no, we're not getting breakfast. It's a movie. Anyway. 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:00.560 I hope y'all got plenty of sleep. Took a little 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:02.880 vitamin D because if you're not used to working the 0:01:02.920 --> 0:01:05.440 midnight shift, it can really mess with your head a 0:01:05.480 --> 0:01:07.319 little bit. Okay, you have to be careful. 0:01:07.640 --> 0:01:11.479 Yeah, okay, Jerry, I've been partying for thirty six hours straight, 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:13.840 so I've gotten plenty of vitamin D. 0:01:14.640 --> 0:01:16.680 I don't know how to interpret that wink she gave 0:01:16.720 --> 0:01:21.000 when she said vitamin D h it means pence my 0:01:21.120 --> 0:01:22.480 hypothesis was correct. 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:22.800 Okay. 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:26.959 Stakes to night on lois nothing. 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:36.840 We don't save by everything by, so everybody thinks they're 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:39.600 prepared for a full night in the store. 0:01:39.720 --> 0:01:42.120 I'm gonna drink twice as many diet cokes as I 0:01:42.200 --> 0:01:44.400 usually do. And Hey, if any of you guys need 0:01:44.440 --> 0:01:46.840 any help keeping awake tonight, just think about the fact 0:01:46.840 --> 0:01:49.160 that the Supreme Court is sixty two percent conservative. 0:01:49.360 --> 0:01:50.920 And then if you don't want to do that because 0:01:50.960 --> 0:01:53.520 it's lame, just snort some of this addy I have 0:01:53.640 --> 0:01:54.240 in my locker. 0:01:54.760 --> 0:01:57.200 The Ladyshift says there's a ghost of a dead customer 0:01:57.240 --> 0:01:59.280 who haunts the ioso. I want to see if I 0:01:59.320 --> 0:02:01.480 can find the gohot and help him resolve whatever his 0:02:01.560 --> 0:02:04.800 issues were on Earth. You know, they always got unfinished. 0:02:04.400 --> 0:02:06.160 Business, so you're trying to catch a ghost. 0:02:06.280 --> 0:02:06.440 Yeah. 0:02:06.480 --> 0:02:09.040 I don't really like helping living people, but dead people, 0:02:09.080 --> 0:02:10.960 I'm all about getting them some peace. 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:13.360 You help the dead customers more than you help the 0:02:13.400 --> 0:02:19.440 living customers. Oh, I wish that was not true. And now, Victor, 0:02:19.520 --> 0:02:22.280 you've done this before, so you should be fine. 0:02:22.480 --> 0:02:25.800 Yeah, there's no problem for me. I use Leonardo da 0:02:25.880 --> 0:02:29.920 Vinci's polyphasic sleep process. I take a series of twenty 0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:34.640 minute naps throughout a twenty four hour period. In fact, 0:02:35.000 --> 0:02:37.040 I think I'm due for one right about now. Seeing 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:38.280 twenty minutes, y'all. 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:48.400 Wow, he is just look, you can't even he is 0:02:48.480 --> 0:02:49.239 really asleep. 0:02:50.840 --> 0:02:53.800 That sounds undhealthy. I think he has like sleep algeria. 0:02:53.919 --> 0:02:57.200 Yeah, I think you mean sleep apnea shilah. And there 0:02:57.240 --> 0:02:59.200 definitely sounds like there's some sort of blocking. 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:01.320 Yeah, he needs a machine. I don't. 0:03:01.480 --> 0:03:02.639 It's not a pap smear. 0:03:03.080 --> 0:03:03.200 Uh. 0:03:03.680 --> 0:03:06.560 I think we actually have some sleep apne machines on 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:10.000 discount on I'll seventeen. We should let Victor know about that. 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:11.880 Sometimes I just leave a note on him if you 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:12.840 want them to know something. 0:03:12.880 --> 0:03:14.440 Oh, that's a good idea. Here, let me write a 0:03:14.440 --> 0:03:19.440 little note and stick it right here on his forehead. 0:03:19.520 --> 0:03:19.960 There we go. 0:03:20.080 --> 0:03:21.880 You'll get it by well. 0:03:24.120 --> 0:03:26.079 Okay, oh my god, this I have to tell you. 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:28.560 Timothy Challame and Kylie Jenner are being called a new 0:03:28.639 --> 0:03:29.560 IT couple for the year. 0:03:30.000 --> 0:03:32.760 No, no, no, The new IT couple is Vladimir Putin 0:03:32.800 --> 0:03:34.720 and Kim Jong Un. Did you see these two meet 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:37.080 up last week? Normally, when two men who can't stop 0:03:37.120 --> 0:03:39.080 crossing boundaries are in the same room, it's a Chris 0:03:39.120 --> 0:03:40.160 Dalia podcast. 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:43.720 Honestly, I kind of love it. One powerful evil men meetup. 0:03:43.800 --> 0:03:46.280 It's scary, but like in a hot way, like Willem 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:47.520 Dafoe would. 0:03:47.840 --> 0:03:50.600 Oh yeah, that's a definite wood. I'm just happy they 0:03:50.600 --> 0:03:53.600 found each other, you know, Putin Kim Jong Own, I 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:55.680 know how hard it is to find a guy you 0:03:55.720 --> 0:03:58.400 can talk about intercontinental ballistic missiles with? 0:03:58.920 --> 0:04:02.440 What is dictator? Small talk like like, hey, what kind 0:04:02.480 --> 0:04:04.840 of art do you like? Giant pictures of yourself? 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:05.320 Me too? 0:04:05.600 --> 0:04:09.200 I mean, I know he's evil or whatever, but I 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:11.160 gotta be honest. I would hang out with Kim jogguon 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:15.040 in a heartbeat. North Korean barbecue has to be next level. 0:04:15.640 --> 0:04:17.279 I mean, no one makes sure it's perfect, like a 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:20.080 chef who serves a rtorust dictator. I read meal as 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:21.320 an elimination challenge. 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:24.400 Kim Jong Own and Putin are teaming up this is 0:04:24.520 --> 0:04:27.960 like the weirdest crossover ever. This is like Skeletor and 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:29.040 shred Aer getting together. 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:31.880 I feel bad for whatever double O seven type comes 0:04:31.880 --> 0:04:34.800 to kill them and then has to hear two boring 0:04:34.920 --> 0:04:38.280 villain monologues instead of the usual one. Well, it seems 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:40.919 like you stumbled into my trap, mister Bond. Well, it 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:44.200 seems like you've also stumbled into my trap, mister Bond, 0:04:44.560 --> 0:04:48.960 arguing over which unnecessarily complicated and slow torture mechanism to 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:51.520 throw them in. Well, I brought a slow motion laser. 0:04:51.720 --> 0:04:56.039 Well I brought a Piranha tank that opens very slowly. Boy, 0:04:56.200 --> 0:04:57.479 that would be a fly on the wall. 0:04:57.720 --> 0:05:00.680 If they wanted to try some sort of like slow torture, 0:05:00.720 --> 0:05:03.600 they should just listen to Victor talk about old timey weapons. 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:06.960 We should be worried Putin's gone back to his crazy friends. 0:05:07.120 --> 0:05:09.000 You only do that when you have no one else 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:10.640 to turn to and no one else to talk to. 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:13.880 If you ever see me with my cousin Harol run Well, I. 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:15.640 Know Harrold, He's helped me out a few times. 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:16.960 You don't want Harold's health. 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:19.480 This is really, though not a good sign for Putin. 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:22.240 Like how many ideas had to bomb before you were like, 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:24.200 have we tried asking North Korea? 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:26.200 Although it must be cool to see someone in real 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:28.400 life that you usually only see him like the Dictator 0:05:28.440 --> 0:05:31.839 group chat, it's like, oh, you're that tall, so weird. 0:05:32.279 --> 0:05:35.039 Kim John Un doesn't fly, so he took his huge 0:05:35.120 --> 0:05:38.120 bulletproof train that he zips around in over to meet 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:40.680 with Putin. Talk about overcompensating. 0:05:41.200 --> 0:05:43.120 Oh my god, do you think the train also makes 0:05:43.160 --> 0:05:46.359 really loud noises like all those divorced dads on motorcycles. 0:05:46.640 --> 0:05:48.720 Yeah, this is the one train that you can rev. 0:05:49.120 --> 0:05:51.440 Wait a minute, a bulletproof train. Who is he getting 0:05:51.480 --> 0:05:53.880 to TechEd by Billy the kid? What kind of old 0:05:53.960 --> 0:05:55.720 ass method of protection is. 0:05:55.680 --> 0:05:58.359 That he can't elude surface to air missiles but he 0:05:58.440 --> 0:06:01.719 can be stopped by on the tracks. 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:05.919 By Okay, guys, don't worry. 0:06:06.040 --> 0:06:08.760 I told Jerry there was a night possible loosen cosmetics, 0:06:08.760 --> 0:06:11.360 so he'll be very busy looking for that mammal. 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:11.919 For a long time. 0:06:12.839 --> 0:06:15.680 Shallah. They're not just mammals, they're North America is only 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:18.840 negative marsupial. If you frighten them, they'll just open their 0:06:18.920 --> 0:06:21.880 jaws and play possum. Truly, one of Nature's miracles. 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:25.120 Wow, why is a miracle? Might be so sad and dry? 0:06:25.200 --> 0:06:28.080 What wasn't I Liz, I have to tell you something. 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:29.960 I met this guy at this party and he was 0:06:30.000 --> 0:06:31.800 throwing up so much riz. 0:06:32.440 --> 0:06:35.960 There is that word again. What does riz mean exactly? 0:06:36.839 --> 0:06:39.320 Is it charisma? I just can't keep up with all 0:06:39.360 --> 0:06:42.920 these gen z terms. Annie and Tori have been throwing 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:44.960 the word riz around. At first I was concerned because 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:47.320 I was like, that sounds like a bodily discharge. But 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:49.080 then I also think they make up words just to 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:51.600 mess with me. Is scoopy boopda thing? 0:06:52.160 --> 0:06:56.520 Liz, You're embarrassing yourself. Okay, look, I'm around enough pubescents 0:06:56.600 --> 0:06:59.200 on the Magic the Gathering scene to have picked up 0:06:59.240 --> 0:07:03.600 that RIZ is something I don't have. In fact, they 0:07:03.640 --> 0:07:07.359 told me that I have reverse riz. I have zero. 0:07:07.640 --> 0:07:08.680 Oh my god. 0:07:08.880 --> 0:07:12.000 I cannot believe I have to hang out with aging 0:07:12.080 --> 0:07:14.920 people all day. I feel like Selena Gomez and only 0:07:15.000 --> 0:07:16.960 murders in the building, except nobody is. 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:17.880 Murdering any of you. 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:22.160 I believe the riz is one of the fellas from 0:07:22.160 --> 0:07:24.200 the rap ensemble The Blu Tang Clan. 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:28.240 No Victor, that's the Rizza aka Bobby. 0:07:27.920 --> 0:07:31.400 Digitals, the Riz, the ghost Man, ghost face. 0:07:32.320 --> 0:07:34.920 Listen. I keep telling my kids not to use internet 0:07:34.960 --> 0:07:38.480 slang because they're probably just appropriating black culture and that's whack. 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:42.000 I just don't like how it sounds. Riz sounds nasty. 0:07:42.120 --> 0:07:43.960 Is too close to Jiz and Wiz. 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:48.200 Wait, it's actually also incredibly close to Liz. Does Liz 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:48.760 have RIZ? 0:07:49.040 --> 0:07:51.000 No, let's ask depression. 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:54.320 Anyway, by the time white people learn about slang, it's 0:07:54.360 --> 0:07:56.840 already too late. You can't use the word once there 0:07:56.880 --> 0:07:59.120 on it. That's like meeting somebody at their funeral. 0:08:00.760 --> 0:08:02.880 It doesn't matter what RIZ means anymore. Now that I've 0:08:02.880 --> 0:08:05.000 heard three old people say it, I will not be 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:07.320 saying that word. This is just like when those old 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:09.000 white Republicans ruined Dabby. 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:12.720 I get it. My estranged husband tries to use the 0:08:12.720 --> 0:08:15.840 same slang my daughters do. It's like, you go, Jamethie. 0:08:15.880 --> 0:08:17.720 I'm sure all the girls at the college bar think 0:08:17.720 --> 0:08:21.200 your new Olivia Rodrigo shirt really slaps on your forty 0:08:21.200 --> 0:08:22.400 three year old man tits. 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:25.360 You know, from another perspective, I have lots of riz. 0:08:26.000 --> 0:08:29.520 If you're talking about sky Rizzy, the medication I take 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:30.400 from mysiasis. 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:31.680 Nothing is everything. 0:08:32.240 --> 0:08:39.360 Bye. Oh my god, this is so boring. Nobody comes 0:08:39.360 --> 0:08:42.719 in during the midnight shift like nothing is happening. I've 0:08:42.760 --> 0:08:46.680 already recalibrated every single flat screen in electronics. That's got 0:08:46.679 --> 0:08:48.679 to almost be mourning, right. What time is it? 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:50.680 Twelve thirty We've been here thirty minutes. 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:51.960 Oh my god, Victor. 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:54.200 Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. 0:08:55.200 --> 0:08:59.400 Okay, oh man. I don't know about y'all, but I 0:08:59.440 --> 0:09:02.120 am feeling in it already. How is everyone doing? 0:09:02.280 --> 0:09:05.720 Sharp as attack there, Jared. My sleep rhythm keeps me 0:09:05.920 --> 0:09:08.120 fully alert at every moment of consciousness. 0:09:08.280 --> 0:09:11.160 Hey, look at that. Robert's doing an inventory. I see 0:09:11.200 --> 0:09:14.080 you got some paperwork out here, Robert. Nice work, buddy. 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:17.280 I've been looking through these old reports about customers who 0:09:17.360 --> 0:09:18.920 died in the store. I'm trying to figure out who 0:09:18.920 --> 0:09:21.880 the ghost is. I'm thinking is the guy that got 0:09:21.920 --> 0:09:23.679 trampled to death during the Black Friday? 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:27.200 Said, Oh my god, if only our prices hadn't been 0:09:27.280 --> 0:09:28.480 so low that day. 0:09:28.840 --> 0:09:31.120 Why are you guys so tired? I mean probably because 0:09:31.120 --> 0:09:33.400 you're like old. Inside. I'm like young and hot. I'm 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:36.680 like to dance and at the clubs, so I'm like 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:38.079 so awak right now. 0:09:39.720 --> 0:09:43.239 Oh, it looks as if Shilah has adopted my polyphasic 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:44.080 sleep process. 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:45.920 Shilah, wake up, please? Can you wake up? 0:09:47.400 --> 0:09:47.600 Oh? 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:51.120 Well, ps there, Robert. When I woke up from my 0:09:51.200 --> 0:09:55.439 last polyphasic sleep session, I was covered in notes messages 0:09:55.440 --> 0:09:59.680 from the beyond. The ghosts are leaving us clues, something masks, 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:03.120 something something. I have a feeling that perhaps this spirit 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:06.360 met their end in the field of e prey or passiondale. 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:08.960 We got ghostly World War One veterans out here. 0:10:09.440 --> 0:10:12.920 Hey, maybe when you take your nap, you going into 0:10:12.960 --> 0:10:18.040 the spiritual realm and you're able to communicate with the undead. 0:10:18.559 --> 0:10:20.320 Maybe you should take another nap, but see if you 0:10:20.360 --> 0:10:21.920 get any more correspondence going. 0:10:22.640 --> 0:10:25.440 Truly, this sleep method has unseen benefits. 0:10:25.800 --> 0:10:26.480 Thank you, Robert. 0:10:26.520 --> 0:10:29.440 I will I will enter the world of dreams and 0:10:29.480 --> 0:10:32.400 see what messages I can bring back from the beyond. 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:37.720 Hey, wait a minute, if everyone is in this break 0:10:37.800 --> 0:10:40.320 room right now, who who is out there running the store? 0:10:41.200 --> 0:10:45.240 Oh okay, we forgot to We forgot to run the store. 0:10:45.280 --> 0:10:47.520 Everybody back out there, Come on, we're the only ones here. 0:10:47.800 --> 0:10:58.160 Bye bye, Oh boy, Victor. I bet you want to 0:10:58.160 --> 0:11:00.000 take a trip to Mexico. Real bad, right now? 0:11:00.160 --> 0:11:01.960 Wow, what have you heard? Those charges were dropped? 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:04.839 Oh my god, they're so sketchy. No, I just read 0:11:04.920 --> 0:11:08.760 that Mexico's Congress just had a bunch of experts come 0:11:08.760 --> 0:11:11.360 in there and say that aliens could be real. They 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:14.760 even showed them alien mummies that they found in Peru. 0:11:15.360 --> 0:11:18.240 You know, they just had a hearing about extraterrestrials on 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:21.360 the floor of the United States Congress, although they denied 0:11:21.440 --> 0:11:24.679 my repeated petitions to testify, despite the fact that I 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:27.280 have been probed on multiple occasions. 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:30.760 Well, I think we're no different from Mexico. They brought 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:33.800 mummies to Congress. We've got Mitch McConnell and Diane Feinstein. 0:11:33.880 --> 0:11:35.320 We let our mummies make laws. 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:40.240 So minute, alien mummies. That's two monsters in one. What's next? 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:43.920 Vampire mermaids as actually sound kind of cool. 0:11:44.200 --> 0:11:47.200 Yeah, that sounds frightening and deeply erotic. 0:11:47.559 --> 0:11:47.920 I'm sorry. 0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:50.760 When crashes in Mexico, it's like all fun and cool 0:11:50.760 --> 0:11:53.640 and everybody's interested. But when I crashed in Mexico, they 0:11:53.679 --> 0:11:56.240 make me take a breathalyzer and suspend my passport. 0:11:56.440 --> 0:11:58.880 You gotta be really careful when you're accusing someone of 0:11:58.920 --> 0:12:01.920 being an alien, you could easily be wrong, and then 0:12:01.960 --> 0:12:04.400 you're just stuck there, awkwardly pulling on the beard of 0:12:04.400 --> 0:12:07.520 them all. Santa happens every year. 0:12:08.040 --> 0:12:10.880 I just hope these aliens stay away. Guys going by movies, 0:12:11.040 --> 0:12:13.199 they're mostly bad news. You got a better chance of 0:12:13.240 --> 0:12:15.280 meeting a winner on Christian Tinder than you do in 0:12:15.320 --> 0:12:15.840 a UFO. 0:12:16.040 --> 0:12:18.320 Oh, I didn't know tinderhead a Christian setting. 0:12:18.520 --> 0:12:21.440 I love that, really, Shilah, you want to go after 0:12:21.520 --> 0:12:23.440 guys that are super into Jesus? 0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:27.359 Oh, yes, I want to drag them into sin? Hello, 0:12:27.679 --> 0:12:28.520 passion projects? 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:32.600 Uh? Can you select other pantheons on tender women who 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:35.760 are into the gods of Asgard or. 0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:39.199 Victor? 0:12:40.960 --> 0:12:42.720 Did he just fall asleep talking? 0:12:43.040 --> 0:12:46.040 Oh my god? Quick, Robert write another note and put 0:12:46.080 --> 0:12:46.880 it on his forehead? 0:12:48.200 --> 0:12:50.520 What should I say? He thinks? As a World War 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:51.920 one goes tell there's. 0:12:51.880 --> 0:12:54.960 Extra munitions in one of the boxes of lucky charms, 0:12:55.000 --> 0:12:56.360 and he has to go through all of them. 0:12:56.679 --> 0:12:57.920 How do you spill munitions? 0:12:58.880 --> 0:13:02.880 I'm oh, and I don't know what is this math? 0:13:02.960 --> 0:13:03.520 I hate this? 0:13:04.040 --> 0:13:05.960 It's a goals You don't have dispeller perfect? 0:13:06.280 --> 0:13:06.839 Bye? 0:13:06.960 --> 0:13:11.720 Well, bye. 0:13:11.880 --> 0:13:16.720 Well, you know one time when I worked the night shift, 0:13:16.760 --> 0:13:18.920 I had to throw a man and a woman out 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:21.400 of the store for trying to have sex in housewares. 0:13:22.000 --> 0:13:24.880 I threw them out right away. I didn't silently watch 0:13:24.960 --> 0:13:26.400 them have sex to completion. 0:13:27.880 --> 0:13:30.280 God, who was it? Lauren Bolbert and her date? Do 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:33.240 you guys hear about them at Beetlejuice just get into 0:13:33.320 --> 0:13:35.360 third base. They had to kick her out because she 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:40.280 was vaping and letting her date just honk on her pits, Like, 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:43.240 what is happening with elected officials in this country? 0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:46.360 I don't understand what the big deal is? Okay? So 0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:50.040 she interrupted a musical. Big deal? I got kicked out 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:51.880 of a wedding for getting to second base. 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:55.000 My sister was like, oh, You're ruining my special day 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:57.280 and I was like, okay, jealous much vision. 0:13:57.559 --> 0:14:01.120 At least you're consistent, Shila, and your sister's not a 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:04.079 person who claims that drag shows expose children to sex. 0:14:04.400 --> 0:14:07.439 Lauren Bobert is out here trying to cancel drag while 0:14:07.480 --> 0:14:10.480 she's given hj's at an all ages show. She's the 0:14:10.520 --> 0:14:12.880 one exposing children to sex. In fact, there was a 0:14:12.920 --> 0:14:15.920 pregnant woman behind her she was exposing them as a 0:14:15.920 --> 0:14:17.200 fetus hoarding. 0:14:17.280 --> 0:14:20.440 It always the way people in power think they can 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:23.880 just walk all over us and the rules don't apply 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:27.080 to them. But there is one thing that we lowly 0:14:27.120 --> 0:14:30.720 work in people will not tolerate, and that is messing 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:35.160 with beetlejuice. Lauren Bobert, you do well to remember that 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:38.520 you say his name with respect, but not three times 0:14:38.880 --> 0:14:41.920 unless you want, unless you want some chaos to pop off. 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:44.640 Listen. You don't get to hate gay people and then 0:14:44.720 --> 0:14:47.800 go to musicals. Conservative Christians are only allowed to see 0:14:47.880 --> 0:14:51.040 Joseph Jesus Christ Superstar and the high school version of 0:14:51.080 --> 0:14:53.480 Greece where they cut out Rizzo that sense. 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:57.920 Look, though I don't condone her behavior, Okay, I do 0:14:58.080 --> 0:15:02.440 understand the struggle to get uncontrollably aroused at the sight 0:15:02.480 --> 0:15:06.120 of a giant sand worm descending upon the recently deceased. 0:15:06.160 --> 0:15:09.880 So you know I can keep myself in chip. 0:15:09.920 --> 0:15:13.240 I mean, we got Marjorie Taylor Green, Lauren Bobert, Matt Gates. 0:15:13.240 --> 0:15:16.000 The GOP has gone downhill. You used to have to 0:15:16.000 --> 0:15:18.080 be a member of Skull and Bones to get into 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:20.560 the GOP. Now you just have to be freshly fired 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:21.480 from chuck e cheese. 0:15:21.680 --> 0:15:24.600 Ooh, I qualify, I too spent some time behind the 0:15:24.640 --> 0:15:26.480 mouse mask, Victor. 0:15:26.560 --> 0:15:29.000 There's supposed to be robots. What were you doing in 0:15:29.040 --> 0:15:29.840 that costume? 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:32.280 One of the robots broke down, so they hired me 0:15:32.320 --> 0:15:34.760 to play the tambourine in the Rock of Fire Explosion. 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:38.120 It's pretty good money and they let me hang out 0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:39.440 in the ballpit for free. 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:41.520 So she just now got divorced and she's out at 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:44.640 musicals grabbing dicks. I bet that dude probably pointed to 0:15:44.680 --> 0:15:48.240 his dick. It was like it's showtime. And he probably 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:50.360 had bad teeth too, just like budleto. 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:52.960 Oh well, by the way, y'all, if you want some 0:15:53.040 --> 0:15:55.320 lucky charms, I opened like a dozen boxes of these 0:15:55.320 --> 0:16:02.640 things looking for munitions. I received more messages. It appears 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:06.800 I've said something amusing. Perhaps I have rears after all. 0:16:07.000 --> 0:16:18.640 Bye, this is my fifth die Coke. I think if 0:16:18.640 --> 0:16:20.320 I have any more, my kidneys are going to give out. 0:16:20.880 --> 0:16:22.040 You need a pig kidney. 0:16:22.240 --> 0:16:25.880 I am afraid to ask, But what are you talking about? 0:16:26.120 --> 0:16:29.840 Oh yeah, fascinating story. And NYU Hospital transplanted a pig's 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:32.840 kidney into a human body and it worked for two months. 0:16:33.280 --> 0:16:36.160 It's a milestone for animal human transplantation. 0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:39.160 This is not okay with me unless they can train 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:41.400 the pig to use those little talking buttons that the 0:16:41.400 --> 0:16:43.760 dogs use on TikTok so that I can hear the 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:45.000 pigs clear consent. 0:16:45.440 --> 0:16:47.960 I mean, science is always coming up with new and 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:51.600 fascinating ways to make me barf. I'm sorry, but the 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:53.960 only pig I'm letting inside of me is this financial 0:16:54.000 --> 0:16:55.760 broker I'm matched with on Christian ten. 0:16:55.840 --> 0:16:58.920 There do pig kidneys even work on human food or 0:16:58.920 --> 0:17:00.840 what I have to bring my own off of slop 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:04.040 wherever I go. My tofu already gets me enough stairs 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:04.520 as it is. 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:06.919 You know, oh that's what you're eating. I thought that 0:17:07.080 --> 0:17:09.919 was slow. I feel so much better. 0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:10.280 For you, Liz. 0:17:10.440 --> 0:17:12.080 I'm gonna outlive you, Shilah. 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:13.880 Yeah, honestly, probably. 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:17.959 Pigs really have terrible look. I mean, their muscles are delicious, 0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:21.119 they make the best food, their skin makes a perfect football, 0:17:21.600 --> 0:17:22.720 and now their kidney. 0:17:22.520 --> 0:17:23.360 Save our lives. 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:25.560 It's like they made a wish to be the best 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:28.360 at everything, but it was one of them asshole genius 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:30.040 that gives you what you ask for, but not the 0:17:30.080 --> 0:17:32.480 way you ask for it, Like Kazam. 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:35.200 I feel like this news is like a real mixed 0:17:35.240 --> 0:17:38.440 bag for Muslim kidney patients, because the doctor's like, good news, 0:17:38.480 --> 0:17:41.600 you'll live completely normal life before you suffering all eternity 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:42.080 and don them. 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:44.639 I'd be careful if I were these doctors. Pigs can 0:17:44.680 --> 0:17:48.199 be very sexually aggressive, trust me. 0:17:48.560 --> 0:17:48.960 Bye. 0:17:49.240 --> 0:17:56.399 Well, okay, guys, Carrie's in the freezer section. I figure 0:17:56.400 --> 0:17:58.480 we've got at least thirty minutes before he figures out 0:17:58.480 --> 0:17:59.320 that no one's out there. 0:17:59.480 --> 0:18:02.520 So it was nice you e was scary some cracky 0:18:02.600 --> 0:18:04.120 you could come in here with a gun and hold 0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:04.560 us up. 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:08.160 Yeah, so many crackheads with guns. And then they're going 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:10.680 after Hunter Biden. You know, he just got indicted because 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:13.040 he bought a handgun without disclosing he had a drug addiction. 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:14.720 Hopefully he comes in though. 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:15.600 He's cute. 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:18.680 Yeah, I know, right for somebody who smokes crack, he 0:18:18.960 --> 0:18:22.399 looks incredible. Let's open an impeachment and cuiry into his 0:18:22.440 --> 0:18:24.440 skincare routine because what is that? 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:25.120 Hello? 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:28.520 Wait, hold on, if you're on crack, you're supposed to 0:18:28.520 --> 0:18:32.760 write that and the gun application. I'm sorry, I think 0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:35.720 I know if that was something you had to put 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:39.440 on it. I got an application right here, Yeah here 0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:43.040 it is, okay, yeah, see nothing here this Oh my gosh, 0:18:43.080 --> 0:18:45.160 a little box that says are you on crack? Check 0:18:45.240 --> 0:18:45.679 yes or no? 0:18:46.560 --> 0:18:46.879