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Speaker 1: This is Almost Good Advice with Ben Higgins and Ashley Ayaknetti.

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Speaker 2: Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of Almost Good Advice,

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Speaker 2: or as I like to call Ben Sermon, because Ben

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Speaker 2: rocks this segment. So we have a question and it

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Speaker 2: is intense. There's lots of parts to it, so stick

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Speaker 2: with me here. This is from Mikayla. The headline is

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Speaker 2: should I take the job even if my boyfriend against it?

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Speaker 2: So here's the situation. She kind of like lays this

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Speaker 2: out like it's a science a scientific experiment, So that

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Speaker 2: is her number one question she's trying to figure out.

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Speaker 2: Then she says the situation. I'm studying and writing wealth.

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Speaker 2: This makes sense my thesis right now, and I have

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Speaker 2: a job in my city and I hate it. Now

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Speaker 2: I have an offer for a job I really want

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Speaker 2: to make. I also am doing part time. I'm with

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Speaker 2: my thesis now know that I am done in three months,

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Speaker 2: and they express they want people to stay and work there.

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Speaker 2: It seems I'm trying to put things together. It seems

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Speaker 2: like she is kind of working for this place through

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Speaker 2: her thesis. She says her point to Colon, it's an

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Speaker 2: hour drive and my boyfriend is fuming and wants me

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Speaker 2: to deny the offer. These are her arguments. Number One,

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Speaker 2: it's the field she wants to work in, and that's

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Speaker 2: a chance to have a job right after she gets

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Speaker 2: her degree. It's a great point. Two I asked, and

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Speaker 2: they offer two or three home office days for their

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Speaker 2: full time employees. And if everything turns out the way,

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Speaker 2: I think I would have my foot in the field

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Speaker 2: that I want to work in, and I could still

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Speaker 2: live normally with him and could even apply for different

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Speaker 2: jobs in a year without having the fear to find nothing.

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Speaker 2: Number Three, I could sleep at my parents for a

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Speaker 2: day or two per week if the driving money is

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Speaker 2: a thing. They live in the city that the job is. Four,

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Speaker 2: it's nearly impossible to find something I want to do

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Speaker 2: in the city that I live in. Five I don't

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Speaker 2: think it's that easy to find a remote job on

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Speaker 2: the spot, especially as a junior.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Six, in the worst case scenario, I get my degree

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Speaker 2: and I don't find a job for months or I

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Speaker 2: have to take the next day thing. And seven I

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Speaker 2: don't think they would hire me four three months and

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Speaker 2: just kick me to the curb after I get my degree. Okay,

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Speaker 2: His arguments are One, I don't want you to drive

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Speaker 2: that much, it's too much money. Two, I don't want

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Speaker 2: you to see your parents. I want you home. Three

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Speaker 2: I can do the shitty job till I have my degree,

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Speaker 2: then apply somewhere remote, And for what if they don't

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Speaker 2: offer you the full time job after you're done writing

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Speaker 2: your thesis after the next three months. So in conclusion,

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Speaker 2: I'm so done with the discussions. It really makes me

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Speaker 2: sad that I feel like I can't do what I

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Speaker 2: wish for ps. He is working remote and refuses to

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Speaker 2: move from my job situation, so I search for jobs nearby. Ben.

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Speaker 2: In our previous episode, you're talking about about how like

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Speaker 2: you're disappointed in the men based on some of the

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Speaker 2: messages that we get. Yeah, I'm again disappointed in this man,

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Speaker 2: and it's a serious red flag that he doesn't want

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Speaker 2: her seeing his seeing her parents.

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Speaker 3: I knew that would stand out to you amongst everything.

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Speaker 2: Else, because I love going home like this.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because as somebody, if Jared would ever say I

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Speaker 1: don't want you to go back home, you be like,

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Speaker 1: all right, this is you do.

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Speaker 2: Not find this alarming that the guy doesn't want her

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Speaker 2: to hang out with her family.

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Speaker 3: I don't think it's the most important piece of this

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Speaker 3: by any means.

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Speaker 2: Okay, well, let me also just say that I think

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Speaker 2: that he just seems super controlling and at the age

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Speaker 2: that they are right now, assuming that they're juniors in college.

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Speaker 3: If you're writing a thesis, yeah, what's a thesis?

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Speaker 2: It's not a college thing.

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Speaker 1: No, you're yeah, you're not. You're you're probably your masters.

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Speaker 1: You're a master's though. Yeah, you're in a master's program.

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Speaker 1: So you're three. You know, it's a four year master's

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Speaker 1: program of some sorts. M Perhaps let's assume that it's

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Speaker 1: It makes more I mean, it would make more sense

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Speaker 1: given where they're at in their life what they're talking about,

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Speaker 1: that he's working a job, that she's writing a thesis

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Speaker 1: and working, that they're not doing their undergrad right now.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, I still feel like he sounds like he's

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Speaker 2: controlling and his arguments aren't strong enough too, in my opinion,

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Speaker 2: have her not take it, because if this is like

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Speaker 2: an is that you're having currently while you're young and

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Speaker 2: in school, I just don't know. He just sounds like

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Speaker 2: somebody that I would be worried about you making like

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Speaker 2: big decisions within the future. If this is really rattling

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Speaker 2: him so much that used to drive an hour twice

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Speaker 2: a week.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so what's your advice.

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Speaker 2: I think my advice is just like, to do you, girl?

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Speaker 2: You just make your decision, like you make the decision

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Speaker 2: if they're not married.

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Speaker 3: I know, But nowhere here is she referencing that she

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Speaker 3: doesn't want to be with him.

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Speaker 2: I'm not saying break up. I'm just saying, make the

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Speaker 2: decision for your career, because right now you should probably

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Speaker 2: be putting yourself first.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so your advice is you're not married, you might

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Speaker 1: want to be with this dude, but just do it

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Speaker 1: and make him figure it out.

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Speaker 2: I think he should be supportive of her career right now.

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Speaker 2: It's not like she's moving across country. She's really like

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Speaker 2: so many people have an hour long commute, Dailey, and

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Speaker 2: if she only has to do it week, I don't

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Speaker 2: really know what the situation is here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I think I think it's very obvious.

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Speaker 1: Right what you just said is that you know he's

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Speaker 1: being controlling. But the advice would be, hey, you need

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Speaker 1: to do this.

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Speaker 3: This is that.

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Speaker 1: Important to your future and to what you want that

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Speaker 1: you need to make the decision to take this job

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Speaker 1: and make him again figure it out, handle it, see

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Speaker 1: how you know, just get behind you and support you.

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Speaker 3: Like you she just needs to go that.

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Speaker 1: Your advice is just go take it, because you've told

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Speaker 1: him that you want to and that you're not married,

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Speaker 1: and if he doesn't like it, then you can take

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Speaker 1: the next best steps.

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Speaker 3: But right now, go take the job. That's your advice.

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Speaker 2: I think so okay, But the way he word it

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Speaker 2: to me makes it feel like I'm missing something. I

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Speaker 2: don't think you should be talking it out more.

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Speaker 1: No, I really don't think you are okay. Only you're

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Speaker 1: missing a thing. I think you your spot. I mean, right,

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Speaker 1: I'm not the keep her of the truce. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if my advice yeah, I mean I don't know

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Speaker 1: if I have the right advice or the wrong advice.

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Speaker 1: I have no idea, but I'm listening to you, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I think that's what I would do as well,

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Speaker 1: is take the job.

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Speaker 2: She seems passionate about the job and her field. It's

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Speaker 2: not even like she's in a situation where she's like, oh,

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Speaker 2: you know, maybe I like it, maybe I won't. It

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Speaker 2: seems like she really wants to do it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's very obvious she wants to do right.

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Speaker 1: She just wrote us a whole email that's bull appointed

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Speaker 1: with seven different arguments on why she wants this job

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Speaker 1: and his arguments why she shouldn't have this job. She

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Speaker 1: obviously wants this job. I don't love a few things

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Speaker 1: here that just kind of stick out to me. One

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Speaker 1: is kind of how she ended it, And she ended

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Speaker 1: it with her last sent and said, so I searched

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Speaker 1: for jobs nearby that feels like settling right and being

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Speaker 1: married and go kind of dating, you know, in life,

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Speaker 1: I will agree with most people's opinion is never settle.

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Speaker 1: And I think that oftentimes is kind of a word

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Speaker 1: thrown out there and you don't really know what that means,

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Speaker 1: because sometimes settling can mean never settle for anybody that's

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Speaker 1: not perfect for you, and that's just never going to exist.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 1: We're humans, we all have our problems. You're gonna have

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Speaker 1: to learn to love the inefficiencies and the things about

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Speaker 1: your partner. You'll learn to love the stuff that maybe

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Speaker 1: you didn't know you could learn to love. Like that's

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Speaker 1: just so settling is a thing. Sometimes it's not settling

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Speaker 1: for anybody less than what you hope for and a partner.

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Speaker 1: But you are compromising and you're committing to somebody to

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Speaker 1: love them through sickness and in health, and I don't

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Speaker 1: love those settling when it comes to things that are controllable.

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Speaker 1: So that's one part, right. My wife is the biggest

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Speaker 1: supporter of me. It is one of the coolest things

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Speaker 1: when you get into a relationship with somebody, and I

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Speaker 1: believe that I can do far greater things today than

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Speaker 1: I could have six years ago before her. I can

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Speaker 1: do far greater things because she's a supporter of me.

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Speaker 1: She's on my team, she's got my back, she pushes me,

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Speaker 1: she asks me the questions that matter. She makes me

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Speaker 1: consider things and reconsider things, and as a result, I

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Speaker 1: believe I'm a better man today than I was six

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Speaker 1: years ago because of her. I don't want to speak

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Speaker 1: for Jessica here, but I would hope that she would

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Speaker 1: also say, in her life a stressor is not my

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Speaker 1: commitment to seeing her pursue her dreams personally, whatever those

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Speaker 1: may be, spiritually, emotionally, physically, career wise, that she knows

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Speaker 1: that whatever she's pursuing, if I disagree with those pursuits,

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Speaker 1: I'll ask some questions. But if I know that her

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Speaker 1: heart's in the right place and we come to you

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Speaker 1: understanding why she's dreaming of the things she's dreaming of,

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Speaker 1: that you know what, I'll get my rally cap on

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Speaker 1: and let's go like I'll be her biggest fan. And

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Speaker 1: I think that's so valuable in a relationship, especially when

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Speaker 1: you're young. You know you don't have a family yet,

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Speaker 1: you don't have those responsibilities that are keeping you tied

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Speaker 1: down maybe to a household, right the both of you being.

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Speaker 3: Tied down to this household.

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Speaker 1: So I'd say, right now in your life, one of

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Speaker 1: the healthiest suggestions I could give is to explore and

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Speaker 1: to take offers of jobs and to take some risks,

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Speaker 1: and to probably fail a few times and try again

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Speaker 1: a few times, but just go out there, and if

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Speaker 1: you found a job in a field that you care

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Speaker 1: about and a job that feels like a dream job

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Speaker 1: to you already at this point in your life, that

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Speaker 1: is an opportunity not to pass up. And if he

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Speaker 1: had some other arguments that were maybe a little more understanding,

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Speaker 1: and maybe they had some complexities that that would make

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Speaker 1: us go, yeah, that makes sense, then I would say, yes,

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Speaker 1: sit down with your partner and talk this through and

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Speaker 1: see if you can both come to a solution here.

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Speaker 1: But all these arguments that he mentioned are very selfish,

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Speaker 1: Like they're completely selfish on his part. And if he's

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Speaker 1: coming at this perspective of himself and not what's best

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Speaker 1: for you, that's not somebody that right now you need

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Speaker 1: to be making these big life decisions for. So I

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Speaker 1: agree with Ashley. Take the job. Tell him you're going

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Speaker 1: to take it. Don't just like not, you know, show

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Speaker 1: up one day and be like, yeah, I took that job,

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Speaker 1: and now I tell them'm going to take it. But

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Speaker 1: tell them I'm going to take it because you dream

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Speaker 1: of this job. This is your what you imagined your

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Speaker 1: perfect job being. This is not an opportunity you want

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Speaker 1: to pass up on at this point, and that he

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Speaker 1: is going to have to understand that this is something

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Speaker 1: that you are dreaming of and see how responds. And

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Speaker 1: if he doesn't respond, well, I think that is pointing

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Speaker 1: then to a bigger question that maybe you'll write back

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Speaker 1: to us one day. I don't even want to tell

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Speaker 1: you how to handle that, because I don't think it's

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Speaker 1: fair to get that even in your head. But I

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Speaker 1: agree with Ashley, take the job.

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Speaker 3: Go do it.

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Speaker 2: And I do want to clarify because you brought it up.

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Speaker 2: I agree with you wholeheartedly that like, at this stage

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Speaker 2: in your life you should be like complete champions of

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Speaker 2: doing whatever the other one wants career wise. But then like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: when you're married and you have kids, that's going to

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Speaker 2: be more of a compromise when you have to like

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Speaker 2: make family moves and like talk about but they're not

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Speaker 2: even there the amount of time you're investing in your family.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeahct that they're not there yet. I mean, that's

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Speaker 1: that's not a thing they need to even really be considering.

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Speaker 1: When your boyfriend girlfriend like run your races. I mean,

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Speaker 1: it's you know, this is one of the reasons why

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Speaker 1: I think the subject of should we live together or

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Speaker 1: not is one that's an interesting subject. I think one

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Speaker 1: of the unhealthy things about living together is these situations

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Speaker 1: that we're speaking of right now. If you weren't living together,

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Speaker 1: then he has no say really, I know That's what I.

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Speaker 2: Was thinking that too. It was like, Okay, so he

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Speaker 2: is talking about the gas money to get an hour

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Speaker 2: away twice a week, and like, are you guys doing

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Speaker 2: that yet? Like, are we is it your money, his money,

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Speaker 2: or like you combined it. Even because you're living together,

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Speaker 2: it is getting a little Harry.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you've definitely you've tied your life together. It sounds

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Speaker 1: like it some way. And I think that would be

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Speaker 1: one of the reasons. And there's there's reasons on both

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Speaker 1: sides that we could speak to at some point. But

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Speaker 1: one of the reasons why living together at this point

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Speaker 1: is is complex because you you're you're you are allowing

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Speaker 1: the space for these decisions to be made together. And uh,

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if your commitment level is to

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Speaker 1: that point where that where you get to have a say, really, uh,

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Speaker 1: and what the other person is doing?

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Speaker 2: All right, Corn, next caller THAT'X writer is James. The

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Speaker 2: big question is family or my own desires. My family

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Speaker 2: is pretty religious, and I've been struggling with a certain

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Speaker 2: desire that I've had since I was very young. And

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Speaker 2: all I want to ask is if it's worth displeasing

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Speaker 2: them and our belief system for this. Should I leave

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Speaker 2: home and run away so I can chase my desires

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Speaker 2: or should I just stay focused on what I'm doing

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Speaker 2: right now? Please give your thoughts and opinions.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so again vague, vague, vague.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's hard for us to give advice with

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Speaker 2: something this vague, because again we don't know.

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Speaker 1: So I think we could probably simplest down to the

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Speaker 1: first question, family or my own desires. Do I follow

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Speaker 1: the expected hopes and dreams of my family or do

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Speaker 1: I pursue things for myself would probably be how you

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Speaker 1: could simplify this question. There is an interesting caveat where

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Speaker 1: he adds that his family's pretty religious, so this sounds

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Speaker 1: like whatever he is desiring is not going to fall

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Speaker 1: in line with the view of what is morally right

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Speaker 1: and wrong, and so he is going to cause conflict.

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Speaker 1: James believes in their life, Ashley, take it away.

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Speaker 2: You can't hide from this your whole life. You're not

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Speaker 2: going to live a happy, healthy life if you keep

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Speaker 2: this in in a way from your family. I would

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Speaker 2: just hope that at some point in at some point

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Speaker 2: it'd hopefully be soon, that your family would learn to

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Speaker 2: accept it and all of you. But I certainly don't

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Speaker 2: want you to abandon your family. I think it's just

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Speaker 2: something that you're going to have to like kind of

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Speaker 2: talk to and like I think hopefully you can just

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Speaker 2: have a conversation with them and not have to do

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Speaker 2: anything behind their back. I feel like they'll be more

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Speaker 2: mad about the lies.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is a question so many people are asking

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Speaker 1: right now, right, I mean, it's I think the when

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Speaker 1: I spoke in Belmont, North Carolina, at that church here

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Speaker 1: last week, one of the quotes that I like to

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Speaker 1: say these days is I hope the church can be

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Speaker 1: known more for what it's for than what it's against.

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Speaker 1: And right now it feels like the church is known

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Speaker 1: for what it's against. And that saddens me because I

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Speaker 1: don't believe as followers of Jesus, that Jesus would have

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Speaker 1: been known more for what he was against. I think

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Speaker 1: he was for people. He's for the outsider. He's for

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Speaker 1: the preeople hurting. He sat with people who were, by

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Speaker 1: society's standards, considered less than. He dined with them, he

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Speaker 1: washed their feet, he brought them up, he listened to them,

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Speaker 1: he heard their stories, he walked alongside of them. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know where we've confused this notion that we

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Speaker 1: should be really putting our stakes in the ground, and

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Speaker 1: I say we, as like a church community to push

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Speaker 1: people aside. I think the big question here really is

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Speaker 1: the church or religious people, is a family of people

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Speaker 1: of faith? Seems like the way I'd like to phrase that,

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Speaker 1: should they be the oasis in the desert or the

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Speaker 1: desert in the oasis? Like, should you feel safe and

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Speaker 1: loved and cared for by them? Or should they be

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Speaker 1: the ones to push you out? I don't know, maybe

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Speaker 1: true what to do, what to try to teach you

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Speaker 1: a lesson or to tell you they're against you? And

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Speaker 1: I've always believed, based on my faith tradition, that the

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Speaker 1: family is a unit that should make you feel safe,

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Speaker 1: that it is your oasis in the desert. It is

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Speaker 1: as the world tells you you're this, and that they'll

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Speaker 1: tell you the opposit. They'll tell you that you're loved

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Speaker 1: and you're cared for and that they believe in you.

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Speaker 1: And so I'm hoping, James, that's the dynamic you have

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Speaker 1: in your family.

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Speaker 3: I hope that for you.

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Speaker 1: I don't necessarily feel capable of speaking to your question

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Speaker 1: of should you follow your own desires? I don't think

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Speaker 1: that is actually valuable here. What I will say is

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Speaker 1: that I hope that you find a community and that

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Speaker 1: you find love and that you find support in who

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Speaker 1: you are as a human and who you really are

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Speaker 1: as a human that you find because I don't know

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Speaker 1: exactly what you're speaking to here, and I think it

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Speaker 1: would be unhealthy for us to assume and then also

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Speaker 1: to give advice based on that. But what I will

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Speaker 1: say is that you're if your desires for whatever you're wanting,

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Speaker 1: bring a light to you, bring a joy to you,

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Speaker 1: bring a fulfillment to you, bring a health to you

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Speaker 1: and those around you, then I'd hope you'd have the

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Speaker 1: opportunity to speak to your family. I hope your family

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Speaker 1: is a place where you feel loved, welcomed, heard, understood,

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Speaker 1: listened to, and that they desire to know you fully

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Speaker 1: and to know you well and to care for you.

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Speaker 1: However that care needs to be given, So that would

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Speaker 1: be my advice is hopefully it's a safe place.

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Speaker 3: If it's not.

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Speaker 1: I've never in my life believed or asked or wanted

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Speaker 1: somebody to try to live up to the expectations of

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Speaker 1: others just to try to please them. I don't think

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Speaker 1: that is a path to a life of impact.

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Speaker 2: Dude. I'm like, so funny, it's so funny. You have

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Speaker 2: like the term life of impact, and I'm like I'm

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Speaker 2: not sure you would live your happiest healthy is life.

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Speaker 1: Say you're saying the same thing. You're well, this has

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Speaker 1: been another almost good advice. We want to hear from you,

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Speaker 1: We want to talk with you, we want to walk

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Speaker 1: through your questions with you. We can't promise wisdom, we

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Speaker 1: can't promise answers, but we can promise is consideration. And

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Speaker 1: we're so glad that we get to do this with

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Speaker 1: our listeners. It really does feel like it's bringing our

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Speaker 1: listeners into our lives and hopefully vice versa. The responses

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Speaker 1: have been incredible, The emails are flowing in. It has

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Speaker 1: added more hours to our wonderful producer's job, which is

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Speaker 1: always something she desires because she doesn't get paid by

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Speaker 1: the hour. So the more hours hey really less money.

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Speaker 1: So it's great, but we have enjoyed it, and so

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Speaker 1: until next time, I've been Ben, I've been Ashley.

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Speaker 2: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Follow the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast on

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Speaker 1: iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.