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Speaker 1: Guess what decision we're about to make a horrible decisions. Hey, guys,

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Speaker 1: welcome to another episode of horrible decisions. I'm your grand

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Speaker 1: Mandy b Hi, I'm Wheezy. Welcome to our horse Sloody

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Speaker 1: podcast where we have a therapy not a therapy episode.

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Speaker 1: Have you seen our therapy episode? Do you think she

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Speaker 1: was good? Yeah? I thought she was gonna slap us

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Speaker 1: at one point. I like she was like, shut she said,

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Speaker 1: shut the funk up. I liked her. And at the

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Speaker 1: time when I've found out what her hourly rate was,

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Speaker 1: I said, old beach, I can't afford you. Thank you,

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Speaker 1: loud speaker, Thank you, Chris Marrow. And they keep paying

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Speaker 1: for her ready. Uh and now I paid just about

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Speaker 1: that for my therapy every week. Um. But um, ladies

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Speaker 1: and gentlemen, guys and girls and everyone in between. Um,

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Speaker 1: now what kind of how much they're paying you? You You

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Speaker 1: at Lubaton's therapist. For everyone, it looked like a rich

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Speaker 1: not at all, not at oh. I would say that

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Speaker 1: I specifically work with black couples. Percent of my client

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Speaker 1: sells are all black couples right here in New York City.

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Speaker 1: Your favorite celebrities are my clients. Too, well, don't be

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Speaker 1: in here. I have a girlfriend number one, Jason. I'm

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Speaker 1: so mad, and I was trying to just give him

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Speaker 1: some time alone before I slip in them d M

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Speaker 1: and clearly I gave I let way too much time pass. Um,

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Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a couple's therapists here in

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Speaker 1: the building. Shout out to Mac Sanley Kazoo. If you

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Speaker 1: hate him, blame it in because though okay, you know, listen,

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Speaker 1: I was, I was there, I had one of the two. Um.

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Speaker 1: And one of the things that I really enjoyed about

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Speaker 1: reading your specialty in therapy is that you focus on

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Speaker 1: a fair recovery. Yes, Um, that's my go to nowadays.

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Speaker 1: And I we thought we were doing the good deeds

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Speaker 1: of the world by just letting everyone know not monogamy

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Speaker 1: is the way to go. So what is a fair recovery?

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Speaker 1: So a fair recovery for those couples that at some

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Speaker 1: point they've experienced some type of and fidelity and they

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Speaker 1: are already to process it and decide where or not

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Speaker 1: they want to stay together or separate. Listen, I was

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Speaker 1: gonna say, I have you know, I've been cheated on

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Speaker 1: and I've watched movies before or TV shows, or I

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Speaker 1: feel like you know where someone like it happened in

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Speaker 1: the movie and you're looking at the end again you're uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: I think we should definitely give a trigger warning for

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Speaker 1: this episode, as we may bring up some things that

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Speaker 1: might make you and your partner uncomfortable. So if you're

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Speaker 1: watching it with that nigga who cheated off or don't

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Speaker 1: turn it off. I think that what the conversations that

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Speaker 1: I specifically wanted to have were solution based conversation, not

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Speaker 1: really might punch the ball, not really putting blame on

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Speaker 1: either or partner, because you have the cheater and then

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Speaker 1: you have the person that was cheated on, and if

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Speaker 1: you decide to remain in the relationship and work through it,

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Speaker 1: there are things that both partners do that don't help

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Speaker 1: the relationship, and it's not always all put the blame

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Speaker 1: on the person. There you go, there you go. So

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Speaker 1: let's let's unpack that, because you have situations where anyone

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Speaker 1: who gets lied to and cheated on, in my opinion,

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Speaker 1: is a victim in that in that standpoint, right, like

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Speaker 1: you could have been honest, of course, but what are

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Speaker 1: some of the ways where because you both said, and

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Speaker 1: I agree, Um that someone could be, you know, push

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Speaker 1: you to cheat quote unquote Yeah. So the research has

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Speaker 1: shown that seventy percent of the time the reason why

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Speaker 1: someone cheats is not because they desire sex. It's because

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Speaker 1: there is an unmet need in the relationship that has

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Speaker 1: not been met. So it could be just support, feeling appreciated,

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Speaker 1: having someone to talk to, feeling desired, or feel feeling hard.

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Speaker 1: So a lot of times we think of infidelity as no,

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Speaker 1: you're just seeking sex and you're trying to be lusty.

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Speaker 1: A lot of times it's due to these emotional needs

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Speaker 1: that you cannot have fulfilled within your primary But my

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Speaker 1: problem with even that explanation, though, however, is that it's

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Speaker 1: still kind of puts the blame on the partner not

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Speaker 1: being able to fulfill something. And in a recent conversation

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Speaker 1: I had regarding cheating, was that you, as the person

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Speaker 1: who got cheated on, there's nothing that you did wrong.

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Speaker 1: It's all on the other person. So a lot of

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Speaker 1: times when you get cheated on, you like to look

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Speaker 1: at yourself and be like, damn, what could I have

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Speaker 1: done different to not be cheated on? Like a lot

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Speaker 1: of people put themselves as to blame as to why

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Speaker 1: they got cheated on, and again in a recent conversation,

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of times there's absolutely nothing you could

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Speaker 1: have done. Differently, a person is gonna cheat. They're gonna cheat,

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Speaker 1: and a lot of times it has nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with how their partners showed up at all, Like this

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Speaker 1: person was gonna cheat if they did, just say like,

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Speaker 1: think it could be the other person who calls to

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Speaker 1: be to blame. What do you mean, No, I'm saying

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Speaker 1: that the person. No, no, no no, no, I'm saying that

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Speaker 1: that's if they stay in a relationship, and we'll get

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Speaker 1: into that. But to me, it's not the blame of

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Speaker 1: the partner that got cheated on. So even the way

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Speaker 1: you just explained it, there was something that wasn't met.

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Speaker 1: I think that that's unfortunately a lot of times what

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Speaker 1: happens when you're cheated on, You say, damn, how did

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Speaker 1: I fail? What did I not do? Differently? Did I

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Speaker 1: not suck his dick? Right? Did I not talk to

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Speaker 1: him enough? And it still causes the person who got

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Speaker 1: cheated on the place blame on themselves when that's not

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Speaker 1: the case that nigga was gonna cheat because you wanted

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Speaker 1: to cheat. True, So cheating is a choice no matter what.

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Speaker 1: Right you have the choice to decide whether or not

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Speaker 1: you're going to cheat. But eventually, right, if you're in

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Speaker 1: a relationship where you are asking for your needs to

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Speaker 1: be met consistently and it's being ignored, it's human nature

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Speaker 1: that at some point you're gonna start creating more outside

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Speaker 1: friendship that can later on developed two more things. Right,

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Speaker 1: help pulls divorce over the conversations that they never had

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Speaker 1: but they should have had. Finances, sex, intimacy, friendship, hold

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Speaker 1: slew of things. Only eighteen percent of divorces are due

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Speaker 1: to and fidelity, so it's not as major as we really.

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Speaker 1: It's true. I feel like everybody I know to break up,

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Speaker 1: maybe not divorce, but break up. It's always cheating, you think.

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Speaker 1: So the people that I think to the majority are

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Speaker 1: times that in my life personally I've been angry. Maybe

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Speaker 1: it wasn't cheating, but it was cheating adjacent like a

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Speaker 1: lie um or in which I consider like if it

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Speaker 1: was a lie about a person, I think it blankets

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Speaker 1: under cheating in my opinion. But you're saying that cheating

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Speaker 1: is only eighteen percent of the time. Is that because

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Speaker 1: people get a ride divorce for cheating divorce. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: a lot of times, UM, cheating is not really a

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Speaker 1: deal breaker. We say it because it's the cool thing

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Speaker 1: to say, but in reality, a lot of couples are

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Speaker 1: willing to work through it because you can then build

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Speaker 1: a stronger relationship due to the cheating that took place.

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Speaker 1: The cheating indicates something was not working on both sides

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Speaker 1: right well, whether I was not communicating what I needed

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Speaker 1: properly or you are not receiving what I was asking

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Speaker 1: and therefore you couldn't meet that. So while we go

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Speaker 1: through the therapeutic process and we identify what's missing and

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Speaker 1: what's not being met, then we then create this discourse

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Speaker 1: where my partner is able to see me, hear me,

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Speaker 1: and meet that need. So therefore we create an even

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Speaker 1: stronger relationship. I was gonna say, Um, mac therapy has

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Speaker 1: been more of a common conversation now with the normalization

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Speaker 1: of just discussing mental health as an all around thing.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to start off an icebreaker, UM regarding myths

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Speaker 1: associated with therapy. UM, I want to ask you these

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Speaker 1: two because and if you have any personal experience with JUMP.

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Speaker 1: In the first myth, UM that I wanted your opinion

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Speaker 1: on is that a couple's therapists will often take sides.

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Speaker 1: That's a myth and here's why talk to me. The

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Speaker 1: relationship is my client, not not you guys, right, So

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Speaker 1: I am here to help the relationship and at times

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Speaker 1: we are going to address the individual factors that each

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Speaker 1: of you guys show up with that may affect relationship. Um. Yes,

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Speaker 1: she was dating a narcissist and it was very clear

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Speaker 1: just one break up. Or have you ever seen other

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Speaker 1: like situations where you like you shouldn't be together? Um?

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Speaker 1: I don't think there is a time where you shouldn't

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Speaker 1: be together. It's all depends on your willingness and commitment

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Speaker 1: to make it work. What do you think about a break?

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Speaker 1: A break? I think they're bull We need rules for

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Speaker 1: the break because a lot of times people will use

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Speaker 1: a break just to go out there and do what

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Speaker 1: they gotta do and then come back act like nothing happens.

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Speaker 1: But you need some rules. It's it's crazy though, because

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Speaker 1: when I I picked this myth specifically because before me

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Speaker 1: and my partner broke up, we were considering therapy. Um.

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Speaker 1: But it was also one of those where it was

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Speaker 1: it was difficult for me to find a therapist, and

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Speaker 1: I wish I knew you at the time, because I

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Speaker 1: felt if I chose a woman therapist, specifically a black

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Speaker 1: woman therapist, that things that would said would fall on

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Speaker 1: deaf ears because I knew he was also a sexist.

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Speaker 1: So I just knew that he would probably feel like

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Speaker 1: the bond of feminism is why we were trying to

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Speaker 1: hold him accountable for his actions. And so I was

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Speaker 1: literally looking for a black mail therapist just so that

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Speaker 1: in therapy he wouldn't feel like he was being attacked.

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Speaker 1: And do you see that that happens oftentimes as well

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Speaker 1: with black couples and specifically black men actually agreeing to

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Speaker 1: go into therapy that you're kind of disarming for them.

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Speaker 1: You do see that, okay, because there's there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of guy talk that happening, and at times I have

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Speaker 1: to say to them directly, I get what you're saying,

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Speaker 1: what your partner does not because you're using guy talk.

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Speaker 1: I get it, right, But now, how can we communicate

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Speaker 1: that in a way that your partner can understand what

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Speaker 1: you're actually saying? How often do you um? I can

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Speaker 1: only talk from this experience, So I did a couple

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Speaker 1: of therapy with X. He was a really bad serial cheater,

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Speaker 1: but he also was emotionally and physically abusive, and at

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Speaker 1: the time I was super young, so I didn't, you know,

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Speaker 1: get what to do? Should we work it out? But

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Speaker 1: I got a blackmail therapist because he didn't want a woman.

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Speaker 1: And he attributed it to age later, but he must

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Speaker 1: have seen the man do something to me, whether it

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Speaker 1: was a motion that made it look like he could

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Speaker 1: tell I've been hit before he was like, can you

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Speaker 1: leave the room to him? And when he he said no,

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Speaker 1: And when he left the room, he's like, how do

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Speaker 1: you add an answer? And he's like, well, we already

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Speaker 1: know you're too young, right, you had a long life

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Speaker 1: ahead of you, and I want you to know that

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Speaker 1: whatever I tell him will never be out of your

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Speaker 1: favor and you can always feel safe. Have you ever

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Speaker 1: been put in situation where you felt like you had

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Speaker 1: to take a side for the safety of that person's heart,

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Speaker 1: not even them physically, just like this motherfucker are gonna

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Speaker 1: stop teating you or they don't want to be here,

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Speaker 1: They're not active in this therapy. Here where it comes

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Speaker 1: into play. Right, So the first phase of addressing and

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Speaker 1: the fidelity requires honesty. So that's where the person that

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Speaker 1: is cheated on get to ask all of their questions

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Speaker 1: that they need answers to who was it, for, how long?

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Speaker 1: Where right? And in order to heal from that, the

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Speaker 1: partner must be willing to be honest. So if they're

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Speaker 1: being dishonest, then you will never never heal from it.

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Speaker 1: And also in couples therapy, whatever is said to me,

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Speaker 1: I will also share it with your partner. There's no privacy,

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Speaker 1: there's no secrecy. So in our individual session, the men

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Speaker 1: had made it to still continuing the affair even though

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Speaker 1: they're in a couple of therapies. So you're saying there's

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Speaker 1: no privacy, so you'd be telling no meaning. So so

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Speaker 1: the first session is I see you guys as a couple.

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Speaker 1: The second session is I see each of you guys

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Speaker 1: individually individually to continue my assessment, especially if domestic violence

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Speaker 1: or president depressional anxiety right during that time period, I

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Speaker 1: will actually, are you still cheating? Are you still carry

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Speaker 1: on the affair. If the answer is yes, and you're

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Speaker 1: unwilling to say that to your partner, I must stop therapy.

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Speaker 1: That's not going to work. Oh that's right, so you

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Speaker 1: stop it. But do you like, how does that conversation happen?

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Speaker 1: You're like, Hey, this isn't for me. Do you do

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Speaker 1: you basically, quote unquote not force them, but try to

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Speaker 1: persuade and push them to being open. Yes, I let

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Speaker 1: it be known that in order for us to actually

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Speaker 1: make this work, you have to be a hundred percent honest,

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Speaker 1: completely honest, and vulnerable and vulnerable. You have to commit

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Speaker 1: to doing the work. Damn, I don't know if I

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Speaker 1: could do all Right, UM, I'm gonna keep going because

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Speaker 1: I want to get into quite quite a few things

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Speaker 1: here on my on the docket. UM. So the next

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Speaker 1: segment we're gonna get into is our Vanilla Ship. If

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Speaker 1: you're listening for the first time because you saw Mac

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Speaker 1: say yo check my interview out of a podcast. Mac.

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Speaker 1: You know twenty times you've been a guest our Vanilla Ship.

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Speaker 1: For this week, UM has to do with law. But

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Speaker 1: I wanted to bring up kind of the therapy UM

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Speaker 1: as it pertains to parenting and children. Uh. This one,

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Speaker 1: UM comes from the state of Texas, which is at

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Speaker 1: this point embarrassing. We've talked about Texas a lot as

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Speaker 1: it pertains to them trying to reverse versus Wade UM

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Speaker 1: in terms of abortion, this one is a little bit

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Speaker 1: more disturbing. Greg Abbott has officially directed Family and Protective

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Speaker 1: Services to begin investigating all trans children in Texas and

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Speaker 1: prosecuting their parents as child abusers. He also instructed all teachers, doctors,

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Speaker 1: and caregivers to begin reporting any trans students they see. UM.

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Speaker 1: I kind of wanted to know um. Of course. I

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Speaker 1: also saw this retweeted by Gabrielle Union, who we know

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Speaker 1: was with Dwyane Wade and Zio Wade. She has been

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Speaker 1: in full support of Zia's transition. However, she sees fit

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Speaker 1: in her life even though she is under the age

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Speaker 1: of eighteen. I wanted to know, uh, psychologically, where a

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Speaker 1: parent can be in terms if they're in Texas and

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Speaker 1: they realize that their children don't feel comfortable in their bodies,

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Speaker 1: but now law is getting involved. How do you show

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Speaker 1: up for your child in this and and kind of

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Speaker 1: walk them through still being comfortable in their own skin

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Speaker 1: while also facing this godforsaken place of time. That's a

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Speaker 1: very loaded and yes, very loaded, very loaded. I would

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Speaker 1: say UM to me because I am a parent as

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Speaker 1: well too. Highly do not recommend at all. But I

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Speaker 1: love my kids. How do you have the conversation then

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Speaker 1: with identity and sexuality with them? Um? It's again it's

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Speaker 1: having an open door policy and being as as possible

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Speaker 1: and trying to understand, right because a lot of time

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Speaker 1: the older generation is not going to to understand and

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Speaker 1: what's going on with us now? Right, So if I

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Speaker 1: were to go to my mom and I was saying that, um, um,

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Speaker 1: I'm Polly now, or I want to identify as as

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Speaker 1: a different gender, she would never understand that. But the

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Speaker 1: key is not under is not to agree, right because

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Speaker 1: a lot of times we try to get others to

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Speaker 1: agree with what we're doing. If is there right or wrong?

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Speaker 1: The key is to understand. I can understand why you

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Speaker 1: feel this way. I can understand how being in this

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Speaker 1: body may not feel humane or authentic to who you

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Speaker 1: really are. Right. So it's having that compassion and that understanding,

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Speaker 1: and that alone should take care of everything else. Well,

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Speaker 1: I can tell you what, therapist, now, it's about understanding.

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Speaker 1: It's not finding it right or wrong. It's about understanding

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Speaker 1: where they're coming from. There. Now you got me wanting

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Speaker 1: to think now, like oh maybe daddy, people with kids

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Speaker 1: I just have so many questions when I think about

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Speaker 1: a couple of therapy because like you know, um, it

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Speaker 1: didn't come on Showtime or Amazon Prime or something. There's

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Speaker 1: a new therapy show and I went crazy, Like it's

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Speaker 1: just so interesting to dell into likes I'm excited. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it's so crazy to watch other people and like we

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Speaker 1: judge other people's relationships so much. That could never be me. Dad,

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Speaker 1: I've been that girl, do you know, Like I'm never

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Speaker 1: gonna let it n do this not be right there?

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Speaker 1: All my credit? No, I'm just playing, but like, where

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Speaker 1: what's the tea of the te Like, what is the

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Speaker 1: craziest ship you feel like you've seen happen in therapy

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Speaker 1: to where you're like, oh my god, like you felt

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Speaker 1: like you were on Jerry's brainer. Oh oh um, I

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Speaker 1: had a polycuple which I've started working with Polly Couples.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you what was better a success

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Speaker 1: rates We're go ahead at the start of the pandemic

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Speaker 1: because you know a lot of people were stuck in

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Speaker 1: my house like I don't like you, I don't know you,

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Speaker 1: Like this relationship is not working because we no longer

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Speaker 1: have that eight hour break of going to work and

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Speaker 1: then coming back home. So an average, couples that have

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Speaker 1: children only spend ten percent of their time together. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: we spend more time with our coworkers than a lot

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Speaker 1: of babies. Are so smart because not only but I

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Speaker 1: think the outside of polycouples, a lot of people realize

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Speaker 1: how much they really don't like each other because they

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Speaker 1: didn't have a break from each other. Correct, So what

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Speaker 1: happened with this polycuple? So it was So there's been

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Speaker 1: a trend lately that I've been seeing from people requesting

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Speaker 1: consultation before signing on for therapy. So they were in

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Speaker 1: a monogamous relationship, right four years in the man comes

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Speaker 1: and now wants a polyamorous relationship, and she is freaking out,

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Speaker 1: like I never agreed to this, this was never you not?

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Speaker 1: Why that change they do? However, he wants to be

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Speaker 1: the only one that is allowed to right. He wants

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Speaker 1: to be there, which is which is when the man

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Speaker 1: can have all the multiple partners, but each woman it

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Speaker 1: only serves him. I got introduced it. I got asked

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Speaker 1: me part of that where you like trying to be

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Speaker 1: on her team a little like hey, like Polly, like

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Speaker 1: you both should be open or how did it work out?

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Speaker 1: So my job is to help facilitate the conversation. So

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Speaker 1: as a couple of therapists were not a referee, My

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Speaker 1: job is to help you and educate you with the

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Speaker 1: skill sets needed so you can function effectively in your relationship.

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Speaker 1: So I will look at your communication skills because most

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Speaker 1: couples cannot communicate, your conflict man management, UM, the level

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Speaker 1: of passion and romans and also the level of friendship.

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Speaker 1: So a lot of times, well, I actually guys this question, right,

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Speaker 1: what percentage of differences must be solved in a relationship

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Speaker 1: in order for it to be happy and healthy? Isn't it?

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Speaker 1: So you're saying you need to solve I would both

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Speaker 1: by differences, I mean based on the logic that like,

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Speaker 1: no person is ever going to come in and be perfect,

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Speaker 1: Like oftentimes even in a relationship, of the relationship will

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Speaker 1: be exactly what you want will not There's going to

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Speaker 1: be a compromise. Um. I do believe that no person

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Speaker 1: is going to agree fully with you. But I think

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Speaker 1: the idea of how you guys agree in terms of

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Speaker 1: what you want out of a relationship for its work,

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Speaker 1: should be more than it's a great hypothesis. I mean,

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Speaker 1: you know, come on, sign there's a right answer of

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Speaker 1: the man. Now, I don't believe there is not when

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Speaker 1: it's percentages this ship because I need to know who

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Speaker 1: were the test people for this. I need to know

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Speaker 1: in what location, what demographic, what a drink? You know

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Speaker 1: what I mean? Like, yeah, I think for me, I'm

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Speaker 1: really not sure if I could answer like percentages. But

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Speaker 1: the one thing I've learned that successful in success relationships.

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Speaker 1: And I also consider successful relationships some that I broke

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Speaker 1: up for right or like we grew apart, there are

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Speaker 1: the ones where we understood love languages. And I know

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Speaker 1: that's a very like basic cliche thing to say, but

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Speaker 1: I'm a very needy person in terms of affection, sometimes

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Speaker 1: yourself needing. I'm the only child, so I like affection.

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Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with that. I think from a partner,

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Speaker 1: like I like a lot of independence if it's work

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Speaker 1: or like friendships. But like from a partner, I do

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Speaker 1: think I need more than the average. Can I ask

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Speaker 1: you why you're asking her not to use the word needing,

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Speaker 1: because the word needing has a net negatives, not the

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Speaker 1: first theists. If it's something wrong, there's nothing wrong with that.

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Speaker 1: My first love language is physical touch. So if my

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Speaker 1: wife goes all day without touching me, we have a problem.

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Speaker 1: Like you didn't love me today, Like what's going on?

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Speaker 1: Did something change? Like I need to understand what happened?

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Speaker 1: Like you passed by me like five times? Right, So

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Speaker 1: there's nothing needy about that. That's just what you need

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Speaker 1: for your cup to be fair. But to get back

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Speaker 1: to the question, the solve of your difference is because

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Speaker 1: only thirty one percent can be soft? Can actually can

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Speaker 1: I tell you why I disagree and why is cheating?

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Speaker 1: Because the other the other six to nine percent you're

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Speaker 1: leaving out to where. Okay, the same thing that you

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Speaker 1: started the podcast. If I come to you time and

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Speaker 1: time again and tell you this is what I need

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Speaker 1: and you don't give it to me because maybe only

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Speaker 1: of what my issues is going to be resolved, this

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Speaker 1: is why I'm gonna step out. Like if if it's

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Speaker 1: only thirty one percent, which is why I also said

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Speaker 1: I believe it has to be more than fifty because

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Speaker 1: if I'm sitting here telling you there's three things I

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Speaker 1: need you to change, and out of those three things,

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Speaker 1: you only change one, that's gonna leave two things that

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Speaker 1: you still just ain't even you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: So if I ask you that I don't want you

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Speaker 1: to be an extra verte no more, I want you

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Speaker 1: to become an introvert. Could you change that? That sounds

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Speaker 1: like you're taking me out a shirt club saying I

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Speaker 1: don't want you to be a stripper, no more, don't

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Speaker 1: be a stripper when you met me, this was me

400
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Speaker 1: To me, there's a difference between problem solution and a

401
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Speaker 1: relationship and changing someone's whole being. And I believe that

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Speaker 1: that's something, and to me the no, But I feel

403
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Speaker 1: like that's the problem, not something. When you date, you

404
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Speaker 1: date the idea of what you want someone to be

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Speaker 1: for you without acknowledging who that person is to begin with,

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Speaker 1: which is the problem why a lot of people show

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Speaker 1: up with masks like I may be someone who can't

408
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Speaker 1: be monogamous, but I'm dating you, and because fun, I

409
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Speaker 1: know you want me to be monogamous, because this is

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Speaker 1: what you want, I'm showing up with this mask of

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna be in a monogamous relationship with

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Speaker 1: you because I know it's what you want. So no,

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Speaker 1: you're talking about introverted person I feel like you're thinking

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Speaker 1: about something and and this is no shake. I'm not

415
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Speaker 1: thinking about anything. It's fine, but I'm saying I've read

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Speaker 1: his Instagram page and went through his means just like

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Speaker 1: a second. I think if you're down because I'm down,

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Speaker 1: or anybody else in the room, I think it'd be

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Speaker 1: really cool if we could maybe talk about one issue

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Speaker 1: in a relationship currently in or failed in, and maybe

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Speaker 1: you give my perspective on it. Yeah, I mean, I

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Speaker 1: guess I did have some scenarios for the hord derve,

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Speaker 1: so I guess we could just go through those, or

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Speaker 1: you can. You can say yours, go ahead and say horrors,

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Speaker 1: don't go to that list. We can talk about it

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Speaker 1: during the horrible decision. Okay, Um, the horrid DERF. I

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Speaker 1: didn't want to do a sex tip, but that's actually

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Speaker 1: what I did have. I had scenarios written down, UM,

429
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,679
Speaker 1: where if you could give an idea. Um, and this

430
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,440
Speaker 1: may or may not be something that anyone in the

431
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,440
Speaker 1: room has gone through, or a listener as well. Um,

432
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,280
Speaker 1: but here's a scenario. He cheated on me and I

433
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,520
Speaker 1: took him back, but every time we have sex, I

434
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,920
Speaker 1: feel betrayed. I feel like it's ruining how we enjoy

435
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,000
Speaker 1: each other. What is the tip you would give a

436
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:44,159
Speaker 1: woman that took their partner back after they cheated? And

437
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,439
Speaker 1: now I can't get past that. What's the percentage of man?

438
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,159
Speaker 1: Because I keep saying a woman too, and you just

439
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,399
Speaker 1: said a woman. I feel like niggas be cheating. But

440
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,320
Speaker 1: what's the percentage of what you've been seeing? Is it

441
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:57,760
Speaker 1: ninety ten? No? So in terms of cheating, um, dirty

442
00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:02,719
Speaker 1: percent of black men well engage and in fidelity and

443
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:07,040
Speaker 1: ten percent of black women. However, I think you just

444
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,160
Speaker 1: thrown these UMBs at at this point. Not at all. No,

445
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:13,879
Speaker 1: you did not at all. However, within a marriage, after

446
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,880
Speaker 1: being married, a woman thinks about cheating two to four

447
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,520
Speaker 1: years in while it will take a man about four

448
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 1: to six months four to six years before ever thinking

449
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:29,120
Speaker 1: of cheating. So with with this scenario, what what most

450
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,919
Speaker 1: people don't know? It's facts four to six years orfo

451
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:34,119
Speaker 1: a man thinks about cheating. I don't know where you

452
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:40,160
Speaker 1: got more four to six years both before men would

453
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:44,080
Speaker 1: even consider infidelity. And where do they live? Is it

454
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:50,000
Speaker 1: in a box? Maybe were different types. Let me ask

455
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,399
Speaker 1: this question that I think might be even more helpful.

456
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:58,720
Speaker 1: Is there a demographic, not race or ethnicity, of income,

457
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,040
Speaker 1: h of that. I don't know career, you know, I'm

458
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,399
Speaker 1: saying just from what you could gauge, not like a

459
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:07,720
Speaker 1: hard fact. But have you noticed certain careers maybe have

460
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,200
Speaker 1: changed that, maybe certain tax brackets have changed that. Um

461
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,399
Speaker 1: as far as where they live geographically, have you noticed

462
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:18,280
Speaker 1: a difference in fidelity? I would say that and Fidel

463
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,280
Speaker 1: lady attends to be more prominent once you start to

464
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,119
Speaker 1: have more success and you have more access. But the

465
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:26,879
Speaker 1: nick is busier, So how to they get more pussy? Uh?

466
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:31,120
Speaker 1: Secretaries people that you're deal dealing with it again, like you,

467
00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:33,400
Speaker 1: you spend more time at work than you do at home,

468
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,760
Speaker 1: and if you're traveling consistently, that's why work wives and

469
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,800
Speaker 1: work husbands better be careful. There's a little bit moaning

470
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,640
Speaker 1: cath Rold and you think I never had a work

471
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,639
Speaker 1: husband that I would really mind. Was hot though, but

472
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,879
Speaker 1: it didn't need pussy. That's probably why. That's why you

473
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,160
Speaker 1: ain't because he didn't need pussy. Maybe because he did,

474
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:52,120
Speaker 1: you were considering he's gorgeous, but like, no, I wasn't.

475
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,639
Speaker 1: It got brother and sisterly. But if I would have

476
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,440
Speaker 1: seen him on the street, I would have sucked him. Yes,

477
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,440
Speaker 1: And back to this question, right, So when when you're

478
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,800
Speaker 1: cheated on, it's based Siically you show the same symptoms

479
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,359
Speaker 1: as someone that has been a war at war for

480
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 1: three years, so you experience a high level of PTSD symptoms.

481
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,760
Speaker 1: Let me text me, right, So that's the fact that

482
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,760
Speaker 1: now when she's being intimate, that's what she's thinking about,

483
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:18,520
Speaker 1: is laying Yes, it is those PTSD symptoms that she's experiencing,

484
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:20,560
Speaker 1: and it can last up to five years. What you

485
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,920
Speaker 1: got the three years cheating three five years. The PTSD

486
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,520
Speaker 1: symptoms can last up to five year for cheating. Yes,

487
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:31,080
Speaker 1: So then if that's something that we discuss in therapy

488
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,359
Speaker 1: and it's supposed to be something I'm working through, is

489
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,880
Speaker 1: he's supposed to just put up with the fact that

490
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:38,960
Speaker 1: he's just supposed to put up with the fact that

491
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,560
Speaker 1: every time we are you, I'm gonna throw this other

492
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:44,480
Speaker 1: bitch in his face that he cheated on. And to me,

493
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:48,680
Speaker 1: that's not fair. What kind does she have? But you

494
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:53,000
Speaker 1: can't put a time frame on healing. Everybody's process is different.

495
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:56,520
Speaker 1: So so day five I might not throw it in

496
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,840
Speaker 1: your face, but day twelve you might catch a shoe

497
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:06,800
Speaker 1: right because times we don't condone violence was domestic balance, don't.

498
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,280
Speaker 1: I don't hit niggas, but I think it might be

499
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:11,440
Speaker 1: better than something that should I'd be saying, because I'd

500
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:17,320
Speaker 1: be wilding out. Contempt the biggest productor of divorce with

501
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:21,000
Speaker 1: a ninety seven percent accuracy. Talk some more telling me so,

502
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:26,400
Speaker 1: contempt is one of the four horsemen's right. Contempt. Contempt

503
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:31,600
Speaker 1: is basically, when you're belittling your partner, you'd be nothing

504
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 1: without me. You you weren't this, you aren't that. Everything

505
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:38,240
Speaker 1: you have is because of how long beat them up.

506
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:43,240
Speaker 1: Like I think about a relationship I had where she

507
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,760
Speaker 1: don't meet that bad. But um, when I first moved

508
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,199
Speaker 1: to New York, we were dating and he cheated, and

509
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:51,359
Speaker 1: I remember I was so hurt about it because it

510
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,400
Speaker 1: was someone I had been around. Um, we weren't cool,

511
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:55,840
Speaker 1: so I really shouldn't have been mad at that bitch.

512
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:59,600
Speaker 1: But I was just like, you're disgusting. How fucking what

513
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,520
Speaker 1: was this up? I said to him. I called him lazy.

514
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:03,960
Speaker 1: I was like, you could have sucked any base on

515
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:05,280
Speaker 1: the planet. I was like that you had to do

516
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:09,359
Speaker 1: these They'll be grinding bonass nigger and then I typed

517
00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:13,919
Speaker 1: it up, emailed it. I was just like, now we

518
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:17,000
Speaker 1: started trying to date again, and he would say that

519
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,400
Speaker 1: he felt like he just deserved this punishment for me

520
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 1: the older I get. I don't think that's fair. Where

521
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:26,680
Speaker 1: at what point does someone have to take ownership? And like, Okay,

522
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:28,560
Speaker 1: if I'm going to quote unquote hell, I shouldn't be

523
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:32,160
Speaker 1: talking to you like this. But then again it's my PTSD. Well,

524
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:37,320
Speaker 1: that doesn't give you an excuse to barrage a person,

525
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,680
Speaker 1: right PTS means that he might be texting like who

526
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 1: are you texting? Who are you talking to? Or when

527
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,760
Speaker 1: he goes out. I need your location because right now

528
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,720
Speaker 1: I can't trust you to remain faithful to do you

529
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,840
Speaker 1: tell people do that like put locations in tip Again,

530
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,560
Speaker 1: I don't tell people what to do, but I facilitated

531
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:58,920
Speaker 1: the conversation, meaning what boundaries are you willing to put

532
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:02,880
Speaker 1: in place to if guard the relationship and re earn

533
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,440
Speaker 1: their trust. So I've had a lot of people say, no,

534
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 1: I want your location, I want your password to your phone.

535
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:10,720
Speaker 1: A matter of fact, I want to share a phone

536
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:16,080
Speaker 1: with you. Now you do the crime. You yes, share

537
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,959
Speaker 1: a phone on WA we can another phone hold on

538
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:22,960
Speaker 1: bit just to share and we can play snakes voice.

539
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:26,040
Speaker 1: I don't understand what the shared phone sharing your age?

540
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,480
Speaker 1: I mean I am, because I'm gonna tell you right now.

541
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:31,280
Speaker 1: If I want to t my wole girls and your

542
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 1: mama call, she can't ignore it's giving landline. That's the

543
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:39,200
Speaker 1: only phone, because don't nobody have land Latin? Is that what?

544
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:42,680
Speaker 1: You can't sign on on on on an iPad and

545
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:47,440
Speaker 1: get everything that's on the phone. Actually no, because I will.

546
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:53,440
Speaker 1: I don't emerge any of my and your partner said,

547
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:55,400
Speaker 1: I don't trust you, and the way to re earn

548
00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:58,080
Speaker 1: my trust is that there can be no barrier to

549
00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,840
Speaker 1: me knowing anything. That's okay. But let me the question right,

550
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:04,560
Speaker 1: you must have sucked my goddamn sister if I like

551
00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: and I don't have one. And it's weird because we

552
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,280
Speaker 1: went through all of this conversation regarding cheating without really

553
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:13,920
Speaker 1: defining how cheating can mean so many different things, and

554
00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 1: it just thought of me when you're talking about sharing

555
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:18,320
Speaker 1: a phone in a group chat, the way we all

556
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:22,960
Speaker 1: share big Shawanda Nella did little physic all the dicks

557
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,200
Speaker 1: to be popping up and they be leaked and ship

558
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:27,840
Speaker 1: if that's in a group chat with me and my

559
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,760
Speaker 1: home girls. There's no men in this threat, but a

560
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:34,640
Speaker 1: lot of men can view looking at other people's dicks

561
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:38,760
Speaker 1: or liking other pictures, cheatinging what thing? What? What has been?

562
00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:41,520
Speaker 1: Something that was minute to you, very small to you.

563
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:45,480
Speaker 1: They bring it to therapy that they felt cheated or betrayed,

564
00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:47,760
Speaker 1: but it had nothing to do with after that, we

565
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:50,640
Speaker 1: should finish what happened with the Polly couple too, because

566
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:52,200
Speaker 1: I forgot. We need to get to that. But that's

567
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:55,680
Speaker 1: a good one. I saw. That's someone to find that cheating.

568
00:30:56,640 --> 00:31:02,320
Speaker 1: Um Um, I don't know, looking at someone in the street,

569
00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:06,320
Speaker 1: like liking pictures. I was about to say, liking pictures

570
00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:10,760
Speaker 1: social media, social media, social media man like currently I think, um,

571
00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 1: fifty of affairs are online affairs right now without sex.

572
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:20,200
Speaker 1: Wait wait, I don't meaning that they swiping. It starts

573
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 1: online like exchanging messages, were commenting and eventually a little

574
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:29,840
Speaker 1: too strong. You know what it is? Uh? Micro cheating

575
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:32,440
Speaker 1: is something I've heard before. Micro cheating where it's like

576
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:35,920
Speaker 1: maybe you start again liking people's pictures or girls pictures

577
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:38,480
Speaker 1: to kind of send a message without really sending a message.

578
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:43,120
Speaker 1: Does that make sense. Now I just go or not

579
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,160
Speaker 1: not like people's pictures without wanting to send a message

580
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:49,320
Speaker 1: that I want to suck it. Yeah, but niggas, you

581
00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 1: know what nigga has been doing. If you got back

582
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,160
Speaker 1: to seventeen and like pictures, I know what it means.

583
00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:58,120
Speaker 1: But if I just posted a few pictures and you

584
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:00,840
Speaker 1: like actually remember back and there was no d you

585
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,760
Speaker 1: know how much men do this by the way, that

586
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:04,360
Speaker 1: I didn't. I didn't even keeep it. And one of

587
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:06,120
Speaker 1: my home girls was like, he must have a bit

588
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:10,400
Speaker 1: a dude athlete. People know him, but he's no Lebron,

589
00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:12,440
Speaker 1: but he's not someone you wouldn't know in the street,

590
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,800
Speaker 1: not three am, late night, all down my ship and

591
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,920
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, right right right, So then

592
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 1: we're damn in a little bit. Get to a text message.

593
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:24,960
Speaker 1: Tell my friend about it in the morning. I'm like,

594
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,080
Speaker 1: did she like like a hundred picks? She was like,

595
00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:32,480
Speaker 1: what he did? They were gone in the morning. Oh no,

596
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:39,240
Speaker 1: that's that's right, And he knows I did this to

597
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,600
Speaker 1: get your attention. I stopped talking to him quick, But

598
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:43,600
Speaker 1: to me, I was like, I didn't even peep it.

599
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:46,560
Speaker 1: You basically are just doing this whole thing where you

600
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,560
Speaker 1: like like like to where someone is now engaging they

601
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:49,760
Speaker 1: see you on your day and you're like, all right,

602
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:54,640
Speaker 1: the bitch saw me. Now that's petty nasty, but men

603
00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:58,200
Speaker 1: fucking do it. A previous relationship of mine, I definitely

604
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,040
Speaker 1: got in trouble for liking pictures to me. Then that's

605
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:05,600
Speaker 1: an insecure partner. I don't used to know. But she was.

606
00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:08,600
Speaker 1: She granted she was in bikini, but did you know

607
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:12,840
Speaker 1: the girl like nake? Yeah it wasn't, but it was different.

608
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:17,000
Speaker 1: That wasn't a fire emoti because nis leaving, that's just

609
00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:19,320
Speaker 1: it regular. You can't want to suck me, but the

610
00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:22,000
Speaker 1: alpha could be good at the same time, it was

611
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 1: People's trauma are difference, so their definition of cheating might

612
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:30,040
Speaker 1: differ from yours based on their experiences growing up. What

613
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:32,160
Speaker 1: you want your wife be fighting about? Is that your wife? No?

614
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:35,760
Speaker 1: I know here, she said, So what do you mean

615
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:40,120
Speaker 1: your wife? Um, currently we have a twelve week old

616
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:43,800
Speaker 1: and a two year old, so that's that's all you

617
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,160
Speaker 1: have to say. Yes, you can stop there. Basically, Okay,

618
00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:52,040
Speaker 1: we got goddamn kids, are you? I got the night shift,

619
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,320
Speaker 1: and she asked the day shift? But what the hell

620
00:33:54,320 --> 00:34:02,960
Speaker 1: are you at during the day recording podcast money? You

621
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 1: were that we were talking about the craziest thing that's happened. Yes,

622
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:10,880
Speaker 1: so they had a threesome together, okay, and in the

623
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:15,320
Speaker 1: middle of the threesomes she went ballistic and she attacked

624
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:20,480
Speaker 1: the other girl. Cops were called and etcetera. You know what,

625
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 1: how did you keep your face together? That's what I

626
00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:25,040
Speaker 1: want to know, is a professional damnit? And say, let

627
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:30,880
Speaker 1: me pull up a document of the time. Right, sometimes

628
00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:34,239
Speaker 1: I might have a rankly shirt on or whatever the

629
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:37,359
Speaker 1: casement because I worked from home. It's my session. Can

630
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:40,880
Speaker 1: I ask you? Did you was that a suggestion at

631
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:43,080
Speaker 1: all that you made? So you because you said they

632
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:45,680
Speaker 1: were together four or five years he wanted to change

633
00:34:45,719 --> 00:34:48,759
Speaker 1: into being Polly. This was something that she clearly was

634
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:51,399
Speaker 1: like and now you changed that she could into it.

635
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,880
Speaker 1: And so was this something to where they discussed or

636
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:57,000
Speaker 1: brought them to therapy that she was willing to do

637
00:34:57,040 --> 00:35:00,200
Speaker 1: this for him and it wasn't something she wanted to do.

638
00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:02,520
Speaker 1: I just wanted to know how because you already kind

639
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:06,680
Speaker 1: of that she wasn't comfortable with the idea of power. Correct,

640
00:35:06,719 --> 00:35:09,640
Speaker 1: So we had a consultation call, right, So they never

641
00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:12,840
Speaker 1: signed on to therapy. It's after the three South happened

642
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:17,120
Speaker 1: came to the therapy. So on average, couples wait six

643
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:21,279
Speaker 1: years too late before coming to therapy. Right, so by

644
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 1: that time period, there's been six years of tax texicity

645
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:28,319
Speaker 1: that we must now overcome as quickly as possible, which

646
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,560
Speaker 1: is why a lot of couples will will will sign

647
00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:34,360
Speaker 1: on for marathon sessions, which is one day, six hours.

648
00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:37,960
Speaker 1: We're just working. So they tried to get do you

649
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,359
Speaker 1: remember Mandy and I did therapy together and he was like,

650
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 1: you guys should do a couple's retreat. Do you remember

651
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:46,680
Speaker 1: that one the Dominican guy and he was like, you

652
00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:48,759
Speaker 1: guys should go away. I ain't listening a lot, he said,

653
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:51,320
Speaker 1: because then they started pulling up diagrams of the brain.

654
00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 1: I said, this ain't the type of therapist. On one,

655
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:56,359
Speaker 1: I love that type of therapy. W the Black woman

656
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:59,359
Speaker 1: again basically when he in the type of therapy he does,

657
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:02,319
Speaker 1: he was like it's something that it made sense. He

658
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,719
Speaker 1: was like, you're doing you're triggering each other in a

659
00:36:04,719 --> 00:36:06,799
Speaker 1: certain way and you get into fight or flight if

660
00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:09,160
Speaker 1: like Mandy said a certain thing to me, I say

661
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:10,560
Speaker 1: a certain thing in her He's like, at some point

662
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:12,839
Speaker 1: your brain is shutting off because you get triggered. Right,

663
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,239
Speaker 1: So I like, right, like, if she says one thing

664
00:36:16,239 --> 00:36:18,080
Speaker 1: to me, I'm done, I'm not going to hear it.

665
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:19,799
Speaker 1: Which it makes sense because a lot of couples, like

666
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 1: I've had that problem in relationships. But anyway, he was like,

667
00:36:22,239 --> 00:36:24,480
Speaker 1: you guys should do a retreat, go away whatever. Do

668
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:27,799
Speaker 1: you find that marathon therapy is effective versus building over

669
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 1: time depending on how bad the relationship is, I would

670
00:36:33,239 --> 00:36:37,080
Speaker 1: recommend a marathon session. Can you explain what a marathon

671
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:41,440
Speaker 1: session is? So it's basically in so each session is

672
00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:45,279
Speaker 1: ninety minutes long, right, weekly, But instead of doing that,

673
00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:47,759
Speaker 1: we just meet for one weekend and we work for

674
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,239
Speaker 1: up to six hours a day, correct, and we just

675
00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 1: get busy, like we we go through the program as

676
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:58,120
Speaker 1: quickly as possible. Are they together like in the same room?

677
00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:04,920
Speaker 1: Oh no? And also they were false oximeter on their finger, right,

678
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:08,319
Speaker 1: because it will help you identify when you're triggered and

679
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:12,640
Speaker 1: when you're So for you guys, right, I wish I

680
00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 1: had two of them with me because I would have

681
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:18,640
Speaker 1: you work not see exactly what sets you guys off.

682
00:37:18,719 --> 00:37:20,839
Speaker 1: I would love to know that because sometimes I think

683
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:22,520
Speaker 1: I know what makes me upset, but I don't know.

684
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:25,880
Speaker 1: You know, like you can have a past memory that

685
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,879
Speaker 1: maybe makes you upset, or it could be a bad

686
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:33,200
Speaker 1: day or like antism. Yeah, so at that time period, right.

687
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 1: So for for the women, if your heart rate surpasses

688
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:40,680
Speaker 1: eight beats, that means that you're currently flooded and should

689
00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 1: take a twenty minute break where you're doing something else

690
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:48,280
Speaker 1: that's not related to the men. It's a hundred. Would

691
00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 1: it work with because your your horning listen, dear COVID.

692
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:53,759
Speaker 1: When I had to go and it was trying to

693
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,680
Speaker 1: check my oxygen levels, it wouldn't get I could never

694
00:37:56,719 --> 00:38:01,120
Speaker 1: do it with my creser. I've been doing it for

695
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:05,520
Speaker 1: a long time, thank you. So wait, you put the finger,

696
00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:08,480
Speaker 1: you Pathea to put the sandr finger? Does it work

697
00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:10,879
Speaker 1: when your horny? Is it? Just like? Have you tried

698
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:14,080
Speaker 1: it the other way? No? But I'm gonna try it

699
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:17,879
Speaker 1: now break up the new babies. She'll be like, let's

700
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:21,040
Speaker 1: do some nasty ship ship from my job. So one

701
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:22,480
Speaker 1: of the things that you said in the beginning of

702
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:24,839
Speaker 1: this podcast, um, which I actually did want to talk

703
00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:28,920
Speaker 1: to talk about because my mother as well as my

704
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:32,120
Speaker 1: friends have gone through it. You said the only couple

705
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:36,160
Speaker 1: that you suggested should break up was when one of

706
00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 1: the partners was a narcissist. And so I've recently been

707
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:43,200
Speaker 1: having this conversation because narcissism is one of the only

708
00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:46,000
Speaker 1: things that have There's not really anything you could do

709
00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:48,719
Speaker 1: if you're dating a narcissist. There's no medication. A lot

710
00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:51,239
Speaker 1: of times therapy won't give them past being a narcissist.

711
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:54,760
Speaker 1: And so if their narcissism is truly affecting the relationship,

712
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:58,239
Speaker 1: you shouldn't be in it. So my question to you is, then,

713
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:02,520
Speaker 1: where what should someone do if they do want to

714
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:06,280
Speaker 1: work through being with someone who is a narcissis instead

715
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:08,360
Speaker 1: of breaking up? And I'm saying that because the heartread

716
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:12,120
Speaker 1: is going up with discussing narcissism. I know, because a

717
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:14,680
Speaker 1: lot of the things that they do in a relationship, again,

718
00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:17,759
Speaker 1: the way they talk down to you, the way they

719
00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:20,759
Speaker 1: may treat you, the way may they may ostracize and

720
00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:23,759
Speaker 1: make you feel belittle, has really little to do with you,

721
00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:27,040
Speaker 1: but a lot more to do with their narcissism. And

722
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:29,520
Speaker 1: so if you just went straight to you shouldn't be

723
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:32,200
Speaker 1: with this person. What would you tell someone who is

724
00:39:32,239 --> 00:39:34,560
Speaker 1: trying to be with a narcissist? Yes, I would tell

725
00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:38,399
Speaker 1: them this, which part of yourself is predispposed to date

726
00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:42,279
Speaker 1: a narcissist? And and what is it about yourself that

727
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:45,360
Speaker 1: has led you to believe that you deserve this treatment?

728
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:49,520
Speaker 1: I need you to answer those two questions, and that

729
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:53,440
Speaker 1: alone should help you make the best decision possible. When

730
00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:55,440
Speaker 1: do you think that the narcissism is too much? I

731
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,239
Speaker 1: feel like we all have it somewhere. So um eight

732
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:03,200
Speaker 1: percent of males show case narcissistic tendencies, especially with social

733
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:04,920
Speaker 1: media out right, but it tends to be is a

734
00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:09,719
Speaker 1: way different than a certified diagnosed narcissist. When you're diagnosed

735
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:12,719
Speaker 1: as a narcissist, what do you mean diagnosed? You can

736
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,680
Speaker 1: not like literally, this is something that I've like in

737
00:40:15,719 --> 00:40:19,120
Speaker 1: my current life. I've been dealing with friends who here's

738
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:21,080
Speaker 1: the thing too, write I'm not a mother, and I'm

739
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:24,640
Speaker 1: not a wife, I'm I'm not a fiance. I haven't

740
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:27,480
Speaker 1: had a partner lived with me. So in terms of

741
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:31,759
Speaker 1: my friends who bent to me about their relationships, a

742
00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:35,359
Speaker 1: lot of times they excuse the behavior and say, well,

743
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:38,400
Speaker 1: this is a compromise that I make, because this is

744
00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:42,200
Speaker 1: what a relationship takes. And it doesn't take until sometimes

745
00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:46,080
Speaker 1: a few years ship for them to realize that this

746
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:48,279
Speaker 1: person is never going to change, and that it had

747
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:50,440
Speaker 1: nothing to do with compromise. It had a lot more

748
00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,160
Speaker 1: to do with them trying to see the best in

749
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:54,280
Speaker 1: this person and they're never going to get that person

750
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:57,520
Speaker 1: to change. It usually takes about fourth or seven years. Quait,

751
00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:59,919
Speaker 1: But what's I gotta do with what you're saying, your friend?

752
00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:03,799
Speaker 1: They were diagnosed narcissists. Now, like he said, most men

753
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:06,400
Speaker 1: have have narcissist tendencies? How do you how do you

754
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:09,480
Speaker 1: get diagnosed? Diagnosed? When you start going to therapy? There's

755
00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:12,480
Speaker 1: can you can you share some traits of a diagnosical

756
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:15,000
Speaker 1: a lot better about my ship in therapy? Right now?

757
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:20,440
Speaker 1: What a diagnosed narcissists in comparison to someone who just

758
00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:24,640
Speaker 1: may see highly of themselves, they're the difference. So actually,

759
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:28,400
Speaker 1: like um, I'm I'm in the process of doing a

760
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:31,879
Speaker 1: lot of research on narcissism because I've had a lot

761
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:36,200
Speaker 1: of female clients that have dealt with narcissists and they

762
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:38,239
Speaker 1: have to rebuild a whole new life and a whole

763
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:41,720
Speaker 1: new identity just to heal from what they have experienced trauma.

764
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:45,879
Speaker 1: So it narcissists is someone who believes that they're never wrong.

765
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:50,640
Speaker 1: They have a grandiose view of themselves, like you should

766
00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:53,640
Speaker 1: be lucky too by your hip, exactly, you should be

767
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:56,879
Speaker 1: lucky to be with me, right, it's all, it's all.

768
00:41:56,920 --> 00:41:59,239
Speaker 1: It's all about them. It's how can you serve me?

769
00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:01,560
Speaker 1: And what can you do for me? And if you're

770
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:03,719
Speaker 1: no longer doing that, I will discard of you. I

771
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:07,360
Speaker 1: will use criticism and contempt to control you and to

772
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:10,400
Speaker 1: mold you into who I want you to become, because

773
00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:16,160
Speaker 1: that's what benefits. If I had to think of it,

774
00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:18,959
Speaker 1: is that like they can never learn. Basically they can't

775
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:22,839
Speaker 1: like they can. It's it's like and it could be work,

776
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,600
Speaker 1: could be a friend, and you're like, oh my god,

777
00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:28,719
Speaker 1: and you're trying, and they just no more. Like they're

778
00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:32,960
Speaker 1: very successful in life because in order to be successful, right,

779
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:36,120
Speaker 1: you need to have this tunnel vision of wanting to

780
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:39,560
Speaker 1: be the best. And and this society is built where

781
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:42,720
Speaker 1: the best is the one that's rewarded. So we're creating

782
00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:51,080
Speaker 1: a lot of narcissists. I recently tweeted about this because

783
00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:53,920
Speaker 1: it was really surprising me, Like I I work for

784
00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:58,120
Speaker 1: someone that's not a narcissist, but like really really smart,

785
00:42:58,239 --> 00:43:01,640
Speaker 1: really rich and super successful. And one of the things

786
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:04,960
Speaker 1: that continues to blow my mind about him no matter

787
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:08,319
Speaker 1: how many articles fucking millions and millions of dollars, Like

788
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,640
Speaker 1: he's so like chest out when he tells you he

789
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:14,719
Speaker 1: doesn't know something. You could be on a call and

790
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:17,719
Speaker 1: he's like, I have no idea like what this is,

791
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:20,000
Speaker 1: but um, you know on my team, I have Wheezy

792
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:22,279
Speaker 1: and she'll get into that with you, and I don't

793
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:24,359
Speaker 1: even know if that's the Martinson, Like, oh, I don't

794
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:26,400
Speaker 1: know what this is, but this is who does. Like

795
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,799
Speaker 1: I'm gonna build it around me, And that, to me

796
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:31,440
Speaker 1: is when you really get to learn someone that's like

797
00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:33,879
Speaker 1: you could either be the master of none or jack

798
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:35,759
Speaker 1: of all trades, and you've got to like build that

799
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 1: out and in relationships now, I've tried to literally do

800
00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:44,239
Speaker 1: that with friendships, right, Like I've had troubles in my

801
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:46,680
Speaker 1: relationship where old Bay, right, my partner will be like

802
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:49,600
Speaker 1: every time you talk to so and so, you come

803
00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:52,799
Speaker 1: back to me and you're like fucking crazy, while like

804
00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:54,719
Speaker 1: ghetto bitch energy, like you want to fight me, bro,

805
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:56,759
Speaker 1: Like what the fuck? He's like, you need to start

806
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:59,359
Speaker 1: hanging with some and so more. I'm like, you know what,

807
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:02,120
Speaker 1: my homegirl got away too much trauma and I call

808
00:44:02,200 --> 00:44:04,120
Speaker 1: her mad about you. I do need to talk to

809
00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:06,440
Speaker 1: someone that's level headed. And it's like I've tried to

810
00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:09,160
Speaker 1: place who I come to for advice now with that

811
00:44:09,239 --> 00:44:12,839
Speaker 1: and like in every aspect, like we can't know it all.

812
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:15,600
Speaker 1: And I think with relationships especially like because you were

813
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:18,040
Speaker 1: just saying your friend, you cannot go to one person

814
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:21,600
Speaker 1: and be offloading and emotionally dumping because all we're gonna

815
00:44:21,600 --> 00:44:24,000
Speaker 1: do is hate that nikkovitch. And every time you called me,

816
00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:27,279
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be like tell you, oh yeah, I don't talk.

817
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:29,720
Speaker 1: I don't want to see him. Don't bring him around

818
00:44:29,719 --> 00:44:32,680
Speaker 1: me because if you're gonna sit here, here's the thing

819
00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:35,000
Speaker 1: too again, I broke up with my nigga a whole

820
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,560
Speaker 1: lot of times before I fully broke up with him,

821
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:41,560
Speaker 1: and a lot of my friends unfortunately he was around us,

822
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:44,799
Speaker 1: and so they take in the hate we may have

823
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:46,800
Speaker 1: from one day and now the next thing. Now, I

824
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:50,000
Speaker 1: let that nigget up, and I think that that has

825
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:52,400
Speaker 1: to do a lot more with just the oversharing of women.

826
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:55,360
Speaker 1: We overshare a lot of things, which is also But

827
00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:57,480
Speaker 1: to be fair, I sat on this pot for a

828
00:44:57,480 --> 00:44:59,360
Speaker 1: whole year and talk about how perfect my nigga was

829
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:01,400
Speaker 1: and witch as they like that ship either. So you

830
00:45:01,520 --> 00:45:03,120
Speaker 1: damned if you do, damned if you don't. Maybe you

831
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:06,560
Speaker 1: just shouldn't share anything about your nigga because they're gonna

832
00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:09,240
Speaker 1: come in and and and be your nines shining harbor,

833
00:45:09,480 --> 00:45:11,760
Speaker 1: and then they're gonna be the motherfucking joker and fucking

834
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:15,720
Speaker 1: kill your heart, your soul, your spirit, and your friends

835
00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:19,200
Speaker 1: just have to be there to uplift you to he

836
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:26,799
Speaker 1: I hate it. I hate it's it's awful. I'd be

837
00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:31,319
Speaker 1: like this no day, not when I like best. Do

838
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:35,120
Speaker 1: you know how to communicate? You know what's crazy? Um?

839
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:39,840
Speaker 1: Well please please offline you can test me you know

840
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:43,320
Speaker 1: what's crazy? Though. I literally recently said in in another

841
00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:46,920
Speaker 1: podcast that the number one thing that I need in

842
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:51,200
Speaker 1: a relationship is communication, but the communications to where that

843
00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 1: That was why I left my partner because there was

844
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:58,319
Speaker 1: a lot of times and mind you, I am I'm

845
00:45:58,360 --> 00:45:59,920
Speaker 1: not the one and I don't like when people do

846
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:01,879
Speaker 1: a lot of people will do things just to see

847
00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:03,839
Speaker 1: how you respond to ship. Right. A lot of people

848
00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:07,239
Speaker 1: like to test their partners, their friends just to see, oh, well,

849
00:46:07,320 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 1: let me see what happens if me. No, I'm gonna

850
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:12,399
Speaker 1: tell you exactly what I want. So when it came

851
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:15,239
Speaker 1: to my birthday, I told him exactly what I wanted

852
00:46:15,280 --> 00:46:17,239
Speaker 1: and what I didn't want. You know what he did

853
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:20,760
Speaker 1: gave me exactly what I didn't want, and and that

854
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:22,160
Speaker 1: that should have been a bit red flag because the

855
00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:24,480
Speaker 1: nick didn't show up. How I told him exactly what

856
00:46:24,520 --> 00:46:26,840
Speaker 1: I want for Valentine's Day, he didn't show up. He

857
00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:29,320
Speaker 1: gave me just the bare minimum. I was like, nigga,

858
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:31,280
Speaker 1: I could get the bare minimum from these millionaire niggas

859
00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:34,719
Speaker 1: that are still in my flo flowers. He didn't. He

860
00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:36,279
Speaker 1: did give me flowers, but they were so ugly. I

861
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:38,239
Speaker 1: threw him bitches in the garden so much so I

862
00:46:38,280 --> 00:46:40,759
Speaker 1: canceled his motherfucking Valentine's Wait wait wait wait wait wait

863
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:43,000
Speaker 1: wait wait wait. Yeah, I don't like him. I ain't

864
00:46:43,040 --> 00:46:44,719
Speaker 1: like the flowers he gave me, so that's why we

865
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:48,239
Speaker 1: broke up. I threw him in the gardens, but it

866
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:52,160
Speaker 1: was because he didn't listen my nigga. Not only that

867
00:46:51,320 --> 00:46:55,240
Speaker 1: that's where to God, but it's because I realized the trend,

868
00:46:55,640 --> 00:46:57,719
Speaker 1: well know, and it was it was the trend. Though.

869
00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:00,640
Speaker 1: Every time I tell you what Matt is to me,

870
00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:04,200
Speaker 1: you show up in a way that to me, Now,

871
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:07,440
Speaker 1: there's no way you give a funk about what matters

872
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:10,040
Speaker 1: to me. And if we're going to continue this this

873
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:12,799
Speaker 1: thing of disappointment, which is what it was. Because also

874
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:14,920
Speaker 1: I don't ask for much. It's not like I'm showing

875
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:17,640
Speaker 1: up how I did seven years ago, where not only

876
00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:19,520
Speaker 1: do I want good dick, not only do I need attention,

877
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:20,880
Speaker 1: not only do I want to be taken out, you

878
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:22,239
Speaker 1: have to pay my bills because I don't have it.

879
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:26,440
Speaker 1: They were just bro they it looked like funeral flowers,

880
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:28,520
Speaker 1: my nigga. And then this nigga tried it right, So

881
00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:30,320
Speaker 1: we on the phone. He's hout. This nigga tried to

882
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:33,640
Speaker 1: gas like me. He was like, I picked each flower

883
00:47:33,719 --> 00:47:37,799
Speaker 1: out specifically, and they actually really cost a lot. And

884
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:40,239
Speaker 1: here I go. You know how you say you say

885
00:47:40,239 --> 00:47:42,960
Speaker 1: things the hurt of nigga feelings, I'm just too honest.

886
00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:45,320
Speaker 1: So I told him, I said how much they cost,

887
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:47,520
Speaker 1: I'll cash ap you the money right now, you can

888
00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:49,239
Speaker 1: have it back. I don't give a funk how much

889
00:47:49,239 --> 00:47:52,480
Speaker 1: you spec. Wait wait, wait, they're ugly, but if you

890
00:47:52,520 --> 00:47:55,080
Speaker 1: ask for flowers, I'm not trying any petty like. I'm

891
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:56,760
Speaker 1: just kind of saying I feel like if my homeboy

892
00:47:56,840 --> 00:47:59,520
Speaker 1: called me and told me this, because it's always anytime

893
00:47:59,560 --> 00:48:01,319
Speaker 1: my homewoye tell me something I talked today, bitch, after,

894
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:03,840
Speaker 1: I'll be like, you left that out. If my homeboy

895
00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:06,000
Speaker 1: called me and was like, yo, all she wanted was flowers,

896
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:07,759
Speaker 1: I went to the floors, I got him. Then she

897
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:09,520
Speaker 1: said they were ugly. She threw him out, I'd be like, Yo,

898
00:48:09,560 --> 00:48:12,920
Speaker 1: she's a fucking bitch. You ain't see the flowers, because

899
00:48:12,920 --> 00:48:15,840
Speaker 1: when when my friends see it, hold on, mind you.

900
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:19,880
Speaker 1: What made it worse too. He hand delivered them to

901
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:23,919
Speaker 1: my house knowing I wasn't home, so they were left

902
00:48:23,920 --> 00:48:27,000
Speaker 1: on my door. Prize, bitch, you could have had a floors.

903
00:48:27,040 --> 00:48:29,759
Speaker 1: They didn't even come in a fucking base. So I'm like,

904
00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:32,160
Speaker 1: you leave them on my door. They're in the plastic

905
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,120
Speaker 1: and all that, and I'm just like, mind you. I

906
00:48:34,200 --> 00:48:36,480
Speaker 1: looked at them, bitches. I want to see them so bad.

907
00:48:36,800 --> 00:48:39,279
Speaker 1: I don't know if I would be mad. Oh you know,

908
00:48:39,400 --> 00:48:42,319
Speaker 1: I got a picture, you know what? And I didn't

909
00:48:42,320 --> 00:48:46,400
Speaker 1: ask for specific flowers. However, again not listening because he

910
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:48,839
Speaker 1: didn't gave me my favorite flowers. One time he funked up.

911
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:52,840
Speaker 1: He knew my favorite flowers. Some flowers. Okay, So the

912
00:48:52,880 --> 00:48:56,040
Speaker 1: fact that you got me everything that goes in a

913
00:48:56,080 --> 00:48:59,400
Speaker 1: funeral range except four, because now I'm kind of not

914
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:04,600
Speaker 1: I think that is Do you understand what the point is?

915
00:49:04,800 --> 00:49:07,279
Speaker 1: It's the point. It's not even the flowers. The point is.

916
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:11,200
Speaker 1: This was now probably the fourth time I had specifically

917
00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:14,040
Speaker 1: said something that mattered to me and what I wanted,

918
00:49:14,400 --> 00:49:20,520
Speaker 1: and instead of just listening to me, he did he

919
00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:24,120
Speaker 1: did damn near the opposite where I I took it

920
00:49:24,160 --> 00:49:26,239
Speaker 1: as there's no way you love me like you said

921
00:49:26,239 --> 00:49:27,880
Speaker 1: you love me, there's no way you want to be

922
00:49:27,920 --> 00:49:30,960
Speaker 1: in a relationship with because it was. But I do

923
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:37,920
Speaker 1: need to see the flowers like you really, because they

924
00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:40,320
Speaker 1: say we're gonna do anything to disagree, I'm going to

925
00:49:40,320 --> 00:49:43,920
Speaker 1: be please be honest. But also, you know what else sucked?

926
00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:48,240
Speaker 1: These bitches didn't even come with motherfucking flower food. I said,

927
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:52,799
Speaker 1: there ain't even flower board the card I'm not gonna lie.

928
00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:55,640
Speaker 1: The card was the card was great, hand written. He said,

929
00:49:55,680 --> 00:50:03,120
Speaker 1: he loved me. I inspired him. Look at don't don't

930
00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:09,680
Speaker 1: bro hold on motherfucking New York City where flowers is

931
00:50:09,719 --> 00:50:13,319
Speaker 1: on every corner on Valentine's Day. My Niggah, that's bad.

932
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:20,120
Speaker 1: That's bad. That's bad. Right. There was not even flower food.

933
00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:22,520
Speaker 1: He was like, they're gonna blossom once you put them

934
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:26,279
Speaker 1: in the blossom. Remember meet the parents when he brought

935
00:50:26,320 --> 00:50:28,239
Speaker 1: the pot. But that is a thing though, that is

936
00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:31,239
Speaker 1: a thing about It looked like that was the last

937
00:50:31,239 --> 00:50:35,359
Speaker 1: second you see the awful it it's everything, but it's

938
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:39,920
Speaker 1: some flower, it's daisy, it's one rose, it's baby's breath.

939
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:48,080
Speaker 1: Whatever the funk. They called him a little you feel

940
00:50:48,280 --> 00:50:49,879
Speaker 1: but what you get what I mean, it's not even

941
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:52,319
Speaker 1: the flowers. It's the fact that you don't listen. And

942
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:54,719
Speaker 1: that to me is a part of communication. Correct. And

943
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,400
Speaker 1: he doesn't know you because because if you knew me,

944
00:50:57,440 --> 00:50:59,720
Speaker 1: you know what I like, you know what would speak

945
00:50:59,719 --> 00:51:02,359
Speaker 1: to me on Valentine's Day. But also, nig you could

946
00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:04,400
Speaker 1: have asked my doorman for the key and went ahead

947
00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:06,520
Speaker 1: and put a whole bunch of pedals in the on

948
00:51:06,560 --> 00:51:08,719
Speaker 1: the guy. And the only thing I will say, I

949
00:51:08,760 --> 00:51:10,960
Speaker 1: actually like if I came home and I saw a

950
00:51:11,080 --> 00:51:13,160
Speaker 1: card and flowers there, like you left them for me

951
00:51:13,160 --> 00:51:15,000
Speaker 1: because you know some of them. I think that's sweet

952
00:51:15,160 --> 00:51:18,120
Speaker 1: those flowers know, But not only that, not only that,

953
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:21,920
Speaker 1: so so you also dropped them off knowing how I

954
00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:23,640
Speaker 1: wasn't gonna be home, NIGGI, you could have waited till

955
00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:28,239
Speaker 1: let me do what I mean. None of it was

956
00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:30,359
Speaker 1: some months back we had this episode in Old Baby

957
00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:38,160
Speaker 1: Christ the Christmas give you all, like yeah, she like,

958
00:51:38,200 --> 00:51:40,279
Speaker 1: what do you say to high fashion, Like, oh, I'm

959
00:51:40,280 --> 00:51:42,480
Speaker 1: supposed be ungrateful for this six and oh yeah, my

960
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 1: home girl just returned to three hundred all of perfume

961
00:51:44,600 --> 00:51:46,640
Speaker 1: that she got for Valentine's Day because she was like,

962
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:48,839
Speaker 1: the ship does not smell good. I'm not gonna wear it.

963
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:52,880
Speaker 1: But it was a bond. But the flower thing, we

964
00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:55,360
Speaker 1: had a real conversation that we moved past from that.

965
00:51:55,360 --> 00:51:58,160
Speaker 1: I was so happy about he would give me flowers

966
00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:00,160
Speaker 1: when he fucked up, and I love flower is I

967
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:03,160
Speaker 1: buy them for myself by friends. But like now he

968
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:04,680
Speaker 1: was getting to the point where I was like, oh

969
00:52:04,760 --> 00:52:06,440
Speaker 1: my god, I'm tired of it. I was getting my

970
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:08,200
Speaker 1: hair braided. I had a really bad night with him

971
00:52:08,239 --> 00:52:11,080
Speaker 1: yelling at this nigga and really my only issue and

972
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:13,680
Speaker 1: I've talked about it for years on this podcast. He's

973
00:52:13,680 --> 00:52:16,120
Speaker 1: in his forties. He's an open relationship with me that

974
00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:18,160
Speaker 1: I've been in with other people, so I feel like

975
00:52:18,200 --> 00:52:22,920
Speaker 1: I do them decent. He's very nervous of thinking that

976
00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:26,719
Speaker 1: being open we'll mean that I'll be angry, so he'll

977
00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:30,680
Speaker 1: rather he'd rather just go to sleep, you know whatever,

978
00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:32,840
Speaker 1: go to the club, not even sucking a bitch, just

979
00:52:32,960 --> 00:52:35,120
Speaker 1: not tell me because he doesn't want me to think

980
00:52:35,120 --> 00:52:38,239
Speaker 1: that he's out doing these things for whatever reason. And

981
00:52:38,320 --> 00:52:41,080
Speaker 1: even when he's not doing ship like it. It drives

982
00:52:41,120 --> 00:52:43,239
Speaker 1: me insane. I've run into him with his whole boys nik.

983
00:52:43,280 --> 00:52:44,600
Speaker 1: It wasn't with a bitch or anything, and I'm like,

984
00:52:44,880 --> 00:52:46,920
Speaker 1: why did you act like people home they could just say,

985
00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:50,520
Speaker 1: you know, but long story short. He will send flowers,

986
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:54,480
Speaker 1: not just any flowers, He's send the best. And I'm

987
00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:56,840
Speaker 1: getting my hair braided, shout out to Shay and she's like,

988
00:52:56,880 --> 00:53:01,160
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm like, I'm s sucked up flowers

989
00:53:01,360 --> 00:53:04,759
Speaker 1: and I'm so tired of that. I'm sorry flowers, get

990
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:06,879
Speaker 1: me flowers. That's the same the same thing, right now.

991
00:53:07,239 --> 00:53:11,640
Speaker 1: Oh I know, but it's just well, no, no, mine

992
00:53:11,680 --> 00:53:14,279
Speaker 1: was just a part of listening. It wasn't even the

993
00:53:14,280 --> 00:53:18,680
Speaker 1: flower that it wasn't want the flowers. So it's the

994
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:22,600
Speaker 1: same ship. Nothing to do with whether the flowers are

995
00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:24,640
Speaker 1: nice not. It's the fact that Nick, you don't listen,

996
00:53:24,680 --> 00:53:27,600
Speaker 1: you don't respect. At that point, then I don't need

997
00:53:27,640 --> 00:53:29,600
Speaker 1: a break from I turned it into I turned it

998
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:33,080
Speaker 1: into respect, I turned it into There's no way these

999
00:53:33,120 --> 00:53:35,480
Speaker 1: actions even match your words. There's like, you know what

1000
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:36,960
Speaker 1: I mean, it was just way too much. There was

1001
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:40,000
Speaker 1: just like not the same way, missing another word, right,

1002
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:43,400
Speaker 1: So the there first brain is working right, well, what

1003
00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:46,279
Speaker 1: is it? What I'm hearing is that the number one

1004
00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:50,000
Speaker 1: thing that a woman looks for in the men is trustworthiness.

1005
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:52,880
Speaker 1: Cannot trust you. Are you going to do the things

1006
00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:54,879
Speaker 1: that you say you're going to do? Are you going

1007
00:53:54,920 --> 00:53:56,400
Speaker 1: to show up for me when I need you to

1008
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:58,320
Speaker 1: show up for me? Are you gotta Are you gonna

1009
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:00,360
Speaker 1: do what you say you were going to do it?

1010
00:54:00,400 --> 00:54:02,040
Speaker 1: I mean he he was going to do nothing. But

1011
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:04,680
Speaker 1: I'm telling you what to do, you don't do it,

1012
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:07,440
Speaker 1: And it's I don't think of trust when I think

1013
00:54:07,440 --> 00:54:10,920
Speaker 1: about that, but in this and I guess we're the homemail.

1014
00:54:11,080 --> 00:54:14,120
Speaker 1: But I guess in this particular case, I just felt

1015
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:18,120
Speaker 1: so I was. I felt embarrassed, you know what I mean,

1016
00:54:18,120 --> 00:54:20,440
Speaker 1: because the first thing I want to do, and like

1017
00:54:20,880 --> 00:54:22,440
Speaker 1: I hate to even say it like this because it

1018
00:54:22,480 --> 00:54:26,600
Speaker 1: sounds so juvenile, but like you get nice flowers. It's two.

1019
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:28,440
Speaker 1: I want to oh my God because my baby got me,

1020
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:31,440
Speaker 1: but I can't because it came from like you fucking up,

1021
00:54:31,680 --> 00:54:35,520
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And I think that what's

1022
00:54:35,520 --> 00:54:40,640
Speaker 1: happening in my relationship is he just does these lavish

1023
00:54:40,680 --> 00:54:43,440
Speaker 1: things only when he sucks up. We do live a

1024
00:54:43,520 --> 00:54:44,960
Speaker 1: very nice life, you know what I'm saying, Like we

1025
00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:47,040
Speaker 1: already do nice ship. It's not like I only go

1026
00:54:47,120 --> 00:54:50,440
Speaker 1: to dinner whatever when something like that happens, but there's

1027
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:53,480
Speaker 1: a volume of it when he sucks up. I have

1028
00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:55,480
Speaker 1: a great eve. Saint Laurent bag he bought me. That

1029
00:54:55,520 --> 00:54:57,759
Speaker 1: was a funk up, but I'll take that one other

1030
00:54:57,800 --> 00:55:00,920
Speaker 1: than that outside of god damn flower. And you know

1031
00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:04,400
Speaker 1: recently he sent some flowers and you know, put just

1032
00:55:04,440 --> 00:55:06,520
Speaker 1: to see you smile in a song we like. But

1033
00:55:06,600 --> 00:55:09,239
Speaker 1: I was like, damn, bro, this is the first time

1034
00:55:09,320 --> 00:55:11,359
Speaker 1: you ever got me flowers that you weren't sucking up

1035
00:55:11,480 --> 00:55:14,360
Speaker 1: in almost four years. I mean, you know how fucking

1036
00:55:14,360 --> 00:55:20,480
Speaker 1: crazy it is. I got floral PTSD dog clearly me too, right,

1037
00:55:20,800 --> 00:55:25,000
Speaker 1: Like I'm good, I don't well, I guess to wrap it.

1038
00:55:25,560 --> 00:55:30,560
Speaker 1: What do you suggest men do when they have sucked up? Initially?

1039
00:55:30,640 --> 00:55:32,640
Speaker 1: The first thing that do you mean, feel better? Beat

1040
00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:35,960
Speaker 1: through listening? See what I mean? What I mean trying

1041
00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:39,520
Speaker 1: to be funny? What is doing in a grain jest

1042
00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:43,440
Speaker 1: or a bad thing? Not one it's consistently being done

1043
00:55:43,800 --> 00:55:46,960
Speaker 1: after you fuck up, because because now it's just it

1044
00:55:47,360 --> 00:55:50,840
Speaker 1: doesn't mean much to me that flight at that point,

1045
00:55:50,840 --> 00:55:54,080
Speaker 1: the former fighting, I'm almost hoping that nigger probably sunk

1046
00:55:54,160 --> 00:55:57,120
Speaker 1: up knowing it's what we're gonna cost me flowers. Yeah,

1047
00:55:57,160 --> 00:55:58,799
Speaker 1: let me go ahead and do this thing. But to me,

1048
00:55:59,040 --> 00:56:02,560
Speaker 1: that's it, that day of a low emotional intelligence, right,

1049
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:07,200
Speaker 1: because if you're emotionally intelligent and aware, you are aware

1050
00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:09,680
Speaker 1: of what your partner needs and how to not consist

1051
00:56:09,880 --> 00:56:13,760
Speaker 1: consistently sunk up. Right. So one of the big biggest

1052
00:56:13,760 --> 00:56:16,160
Speaker 1: things that women look for in a man or in

1053
00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:19,160
Speaker 1: a partner in general in general? Is are you able

1054
00:56:19,320 --> 00:56:22,440
Speaker 1: to be coachable? Right? If you get me flowers? But

1055
00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:26,120
Speaker 1: I don't like flowers and I like sunflowers instead. After

1056
00:56:26,280 --> 00:56:29,319
Speaker 1: telling you that one time, you should know that because

1057
00:56:29,360 --> 00:56:31,920
Speaker 1: I've coached you enough to know what I like. But

1058
00:56:32,000 --> 00:56:34,479
Speaker 1: if you continue to give me everything everything, I don't

1059
00:56:34,480 --> 00:56:38,239
Speaker 1: know what I'm asking for, people are going to be

1060
00:56:38,400 --> 00:56:40,120
Speaker 1: very mad that they can't hear you again on another

1061
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:42,879
Speaker 1: on your own podcast. I think you really should make

1062
00:56:42,880 --> 00:56:49,640
Speaker 1: one give me a contract. I've been here twenty times,

1063
00:56:50,000 --> 00:56:53,240
Speaker 1: sat on every single chair here. You know, every single

1064
00:56:53,360 --> 00:56:55,719
Speaker 1: person that's here. I've been trying to get on this

1065
00:56:55,800 --> 00:57:02,160
Speaker 1: for years. Ye have heard um unofficially? What's that means?

1066
00:57:02,440 --> 00:57:08,480
Speaker 1: He liked all your pictures? I will tell you when

1067
00:57:09,080 --> 00:57:11,239
Speaker 1: I always think this is and tell me if you

1068
00:57:11,239 --> 00:57:13,399
Speaker 1: feel the same, because obviously we've been podcasting so long.

1069
00:57:13,800 --> 00:57:15,839
Speaker 1: I think whenever I have a guest, or I meet

1070
00:57:15,920 --> 00:57:18,640
Speaker 1: somebody or I'm around them and like I feel like

1071
00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:21,160
Speaker 1: it's not enough, Like that day we did with Brianda.

1072
00:57:21,240 --> 00:57:23,240
Speaker 1: There's some other people of course we've talked to, and

1073
00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:26,720
Speaker 1: I was like Tianna, the girl who had the the

1074
00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:28,840
Speaker 1: food all over her body when I feel like someone

1075
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:30,680
Speaker 1: needs more of them or I want to come back.

1076
00:57:30,760 --> 00:57:32,440
Speaker 1: That's when I'm like, oh, they do need a podcast.

1077
00:57:33,080 --> 00:57:35,720
Speaker 1: You should make one. Have couples come on there, black

1078
00:57:35,800 --> 00:57:39,520
Speaker 1: their face out anonymous, just do audio. It's cheaper, but well,

1079
00:57:39,520 --> 00:57:41,800
Speaker 1: you know, let's still do a good rate. But I'm

1080
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:44,400
Speaker 1: telling you I would love that ship. Make them be anonymous.

1081
00:57:44,680 --> 00:57:46,520
Speaker 1: There's a podcast I don't want to shout him out,

1082
00:57:46,520 --> 00:57:48,640
Speaker 1: but I'm ann shout him out anyway that a lady

1083
00:57:48,640 --> 00:57:51,040
Speaker 1: doing my eyebrows told me about because she recognized me.

1084
00:57:51,160 --> 00:57:53,040
Speaker 1: She was like, oh my god, due horrible decisions. While

1085
00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:55,560
Speaker 1: I'm like this, I was like, yeah, She's like there's

1086
00:57:55,560 --> 00:57:57,800
Speaker 1: a podcast called Other People's Lives and I feel like

1087
00:57:57,800 --> 00:57:59,320
Speaker 1: you would love it. And it's a podcast with two

1088
00:57:59,320 --> 00:58:01,960
Speaker 1: white guys and they take anonymous calls in for the

1089
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:04,160
Speaker 1: most random ship. One of them was like, I was

1090
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:07,400
Speaker 1: a sex slave for my grandfather. Um, I gained weight

1091
00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:10,960
Speaker 1: from food for sex. Uh. I was in an airplane crash.

1092
00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:14,080
Speaker 1: Like random ship. You should do that with couples, but

1093
00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:18,640
Speaker 1: let them call in. It's some editing word. I don't

1094
00:58:18,640 --> 00:58:23,200
Speaker 1: really want much, but or another one, and I want

1095
00:58:23,200 --> 00:58:26,320
Speaker 1: to shout out another podcast to uh, it's called you up,

1096
00:58:26,600 --> 00:58:28,720
Speaker 1: shout out some medina. She put me onto it. But

1097
00:58:28,840 --> 00:58:31,480
Speaker 1: it's a man and a woman and they dissect the

1098
00:58:31,560 --> 00:58:35,720
Speaker 1: communication of text messages between two people. And a lot

1099
00:58:35,760 --> 00:58:39,480
Speaker 1: of times there's tone delivery that you don't pick up on.

1100
00:58:39,840 --> 00:58:42,120
Speaker 1: There's things that could have been said that didn't get said,

1101
00:58:42,440 --> 00:58:45,600
Speaker 1: and so they're sent in and these two people dissect

1102
00:58:45,880 --> 00:58:48,400
Speaker 1: maybe where the conversation went, left where it could have went,

1103
00:58:48,440 --> 00:58:50,720
Speaker 1: because a lot of times it's friendships, it's relationships. You've

1104
00:58:50,720 --> 00:58:54,160
Speaker 1: also got to learn people style, like one of my news. Sorry,

1105
00:58:54,360 --> 00:58:56,040
Speaker 1: I realized that how to just get one of my news?

1106
00:58:56,160 --> 00:58:57,520
Speaker 1: He says, he knows I'm mad at him when I

1107
00:58:57,520 --> 00:59:01,160
Speaker 1: put a period at the end of it. Okay, Sunctuation

1108
00:59:01,240 --> 00:59:04,760
Speaker 1: is important and text messaging, oh my god, and like

1109
00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:06,560
Speaker 1: like he faced time to be months as b D

1110
00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:09,440
Speaker 1: D and he just called he faced time. He's like,

1111
00:59:09,440 --> 00:59:10,920
Speaker 1: what's up with you? I was like nothing, I'm good,

1112
00:59:10,920 --> 00:59:12,480
Speaker 1: And he was like, oh, would you put a period

1113
00:59:12,480 --> 00:59:14,640
Speaker 1: in the end of that son to have a great night? Really,

1114
00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:17,200
Speaker 1: he was like, you'll do have a great night with

1115
00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:19,800
Speaker 1: exclamation point when you mean it. And I was like, damn,

1116
00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:24,120
Speaker 1: he really know what my feelings. I'll just leave someone

1117
00:59:24,160 --> 00:59:27,920
Speaker 1: on red. But I haven't to do that a lot

1118
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:30,600
Speaker 1: because I'm like working or something. But some people take

1119
00:59:30,600 --> 00:59:33,560
Speaker 1: that really personally. You know, I'll read it, especially depending

1120
00:59:33,600 --> 00:59:36,640
Speaker 1: on where it's going. Like I leave people on red,

1121
00:59:36,640 --> 00:59:40,000
Speaker 1: I just disconnect from people quickly, like all right, I'll

1122
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:42,240
Speaker 1: tell them good night at four pm. I think good night.

1123
00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:46,640
Speaker 1: You're gonna have a real hard time dating. Oh oh god,

1124
00:59:46,880 --> 00:59:48,320
Speaker 1: well now right now, I just don't have the time.

1125
00:59:48,480 --> 00:59:52,720
Speaker 1: Not for the reason that you think, because no, knowing

1126
00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:55,480
Speaker 1: you and what I've seen and how I'm seeing you now,

1127
00:59:55,960 --> 00:59:59,160
Speaker 1: it's gonna take a very special mental Everyone says that

1128
00:59:59,480 --> 01:00:04,160
Speaker 1: to to deal with you. This is and I already

1129
01:00:04,160 --> 01:00:06,440
Speaker 1: know and no, I feel like it not at all

1130
01:00:06,720 --> 01:00:08,520
Speaker 1: when people tell me that, and not even that from

1131
01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:11,240
Speaker 1: like I'm something to deal with perfect When men say

1132
01:00:11,320 --> 01:00:14,160
Speaker 1: things or when people say things like oh, you're growing,

1133
01:00:14,200 --> 01:00:17,480
Speaker 1: you're getting successful, it'll take a special person to be

1134
01:00:17,600 --> 01:00:20,640
Speaker 1: comfortable with it. That I know where but it's like,

1135
01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:24,040
Speaker 1: I know it. I feel like it's discouraging because to

1136
01:00:24,120 --> 01:00:25,480
Speaker 1: me it's not. We live in up We live in

1137
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:28,720
Speaker 1: a place too where patriarchy is still like so big

1138
01:00:29,040 --> 01:00:31,640
Speaker 1: as women now we're showing up as full bosses. I

1139
01:00:31,680 --> 01:00:33,920
Speaker 1: don't need a man to do anything. So that's been

1140
01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:36,520
Speaker 1: a conversation in my past relationship as well. He's like,

1141
01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:38,520
Speaker 1: I don't even know how to show up with you.

1142
01:00:38,840 --> 01:00:40,400
Speaker 1: I don't know how to show up as a man,

1143
01:00:41,000 --> 01:00:43,480
Speaker 1: because how I've shown up in all my past relationships.

1144
01:00:43,800 --> 01:00:45,919
Speaker 1: That's not what you need from me. So we've had

1145
01:00:46,040 --> 01:00:50,440
Speaker 1: those actual conversations. That's how he shows up like like

1146
01:00:50,440 --> 01:00:52,200
Speaker 1: like I remember saying, I feel like I need to

1147
01:00:52,240 --> 01:00:54,560
Speaker 1: call one of these niggas and be like God slot

1148
01:00:54,600 --> 01:01:00,160
Speaker 1: the man, very secure him. I hear has this an

1149
01:01:00,200 --> 01:01:03,480
Speaker 1: identity and is able to do the things that you

1150
01:01:03,560 --> 01:01:08,560
Speaker 1: need done right. It might be just, but not flowers

1151
01:01:10,600 --> 01:01:16,800
Speaker 1: make me breakfast the town hall. I think that'd be

1152
01:01:16,800 --> 01:01:20,320
Speaker 1: fun too. Yeah, tell us where to find you, Tell

1153
01:01:20,320 --> 01:01:22,320
Speaker 1: the people to find you. Yes, you can find me

1154
01:01:22,400 --> 01:01:25,760
Speaker 1: on Instagram. As talked to Mac on the Score Therapist

1155
01:01:25,880 --> 01:01:28,200
Speaker 1: talk the number two Mac M A C. It'll be

1156
01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:32,000
Speaker 1: in the description of the episode. Also, if you're in

1157
01:01:32,080 --> 01:01:34,040
Speaker 1: New York and New Jersey and you're looking for a

1158
01:01:34,320 --> 01:01:36,880
Speaker 1: couple of therapy, I also have a couple's workshop, a

1159
01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:41,200
Speaker 1: one day intensive helpers workshop, and you and you do

1160
01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:43,960
Speaker 1: do things in person. It's not all remote amazing. I'm

1161
01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:46,520
Speaker 1: tired of the remote world, Like I wanted to be

1162
01:01:46,600 --> 01:01:49,560
Speaker 1: here today. Yeah, so I have that coming as well.

1163
01:01:49,680 --> 01:01:51,960
Speaker 1: I also have a special gift for you guys, if

1164
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:55,320
Speaker 1: I may, If that's okay, you could give me anything

1165
01:01:55,320 --> 01:01:57,200
Speaker 1: because I ain't got a nigam I get my bag.

1166
01:01:57,240 --> 01:02:02,240
Speaker 1: Please help with some flowers hold away, like just make

1167
01:02:02,280 --> 01:02:03,840
Speaker 1: a mark for a cup for this. Yeah, will you

1168
01:02:03,880 --> 01:02:06,480
Speaker 1: be another two minutes? Okay, I just gotta jump on

1169
01:02:06,480 --> 01:02:14,720
Speaker 1: the staff call. Oh, go ahead, get drop. So I

1170
01:02:14,800 --> 01:02:18,600
Speaker 1: created these cards d ring promotion. He's like, bitch, I

1171
01:02:18,720 --> 01:02:20,760
Speaker 1: got a podcast. Would you can buy these cards? My

1172
01:02:20,880 --> 01:02:24,240
Speaker 1: cardic It's a clinical card game that you are not

1173
01:02:24,320 --> 01:02:26,360
Speaker 1: to play with your friends or as a group, but

1174
01:02:26,440 --> 01:02:28,800
Speaker 1: that you are to play with your significant love in

1175
01:02:28,840 --> 01:02:31,360
Speaker 1: the comfort of your home. I ain't comfortable just when

1176
01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:34,280
Speaker 1: the real work starts. This is so me and like

1177
01:02:34,520 --> 01:02:36,560
Speaker 1: we piece to play games a lot, you know, of course,

1178
01:02:36,640 --> 01:02:39,200
Speaker 1: and then another thing. But oh my god, you do

1179
01:02:39,240 --> 01:02:42,200
Speaker 1: this on the first day. Okay, you need to be

1180
01:02:42,600 --> 01:02:45,840
Speaker 1: the reason I asked that is, what's your biggest regret

1181
01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:50,000
Speaker 1: in life so far? So I was like, okay, I

1182
01:02:50,080 --> 01:02:55,240
Speaker 1: like this great idea. Yo, love this again? Where can

1183
01:02:55,240 --> 01:02:59,200
Speaker 1: they buy this? That's directly on my Website's therapy is

1184
01:02:59,240 --> 01:03:04,040
Speaker 1: for everyone that this is a really really I love that.

1185
01:03:04,120 --> 01:03:09,320
Speaker 1: Thank you Max for coming on. Um, we absolutely adore you. Yeah,

1186
01:03:09,360 --> 01:03:12,920
Speaker 1: we'll probably bring you on to Patreon episodes soon, so

1187
01:03:12,960 --> 01:03:14,600
Speaker 1: maybe we can really dig Deeferent. We could do it.

1188
01:03:14,600 --> 01:03:17,480
Speaker 1: Want his baby Mama? He want to play me like

1189
01:03:17,560 --> 01:03:19,840
Speaker 1: that on FaceTime of that beach? Oh lord? All right,

1190
01:03:20,600 --> 01:03:22,439
Speaker 1: well guys, thank you so much for tuning in again.

1191
01:03:22,440 --> 01:03:25,840
Speaker 1: We've talked about Patreon if you want an extra episode

1192
01:03:25,880 --> 01:03:27,960
Speaker 1: every week, as well as the opportunity to join us

1193
01:03:27,960 --> 01:03:30,120
Speaker 1: on our town halls once a month, join us at

1194
01:03:30,160 --> 01:03:33,520
Speaker 1: patreon dot com. Backslash Horrible Decisions. Also, if you're watching

1195
01:03:33,600 --> 01:03:36,240
Speaker 1: us on YouTube you see our beautiful merch hanging up

1196
01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:39,600
Speaker 1: behind us, you can get your Horrible Decisions merch now

1197
01:03:39,760 --> 01:03:43,920
Speaker 1: at hor hive dot com. It's actually exactly how it is,

1198
01:03:44,080 --> 01:03:47,120
Speaker 1: so w H O R E H I V E

1199
01:03:47,400 --> 01:03:51,040
Speaker 1: dot com and get your merch. Motherfucking na um. Thanks

1200
01:03:51,080 --> 01:03:52,960
Speaker 1: for watching the show. Thank you. This will be yet

1201
01:03:53,000 --> 01:03:59,880
Speaker 1: another episode of Decisions Night. It's bonus, bitches, and we've

1202
01:04:00,160 --> 01:04:02,760
Speaker 1: get gee, it's not going to be filled with much tea.

1203
01:04:03,000 --> 01:04:04,760
Speaker 1: I already have people like would an old bays say

1204
01:04:04,760 --> 01:04:06,320
Speaker 1: when he heard this, bitch, I wouldn't know. I blocked

1205
01:04:06,320 --> 01:04:11,840
Speaker 1: that new bro. I mean, he may have someone giving

1206
01:04:11,920 --> 01:04:16,080
Speaker 1: him the tea anyways, I'm sure, but um, I just thought,

1207
01:04:15,560 --> 01:04:17,919
Speaker 1: I guess to give if he knows what he did.

1208
01:04:18,160 --> 01:04:20,200
Speaker 1: When I was in the elevator just coming up to

1209
01:04:20,320 --> 01:04:24,520
Speaker 1: do this episode, um my neighbor, I had a company

1210
01:04:24,560 --> 01:04:26,760
Speaker 1: sent me like a hundred bodies groups, maybe forty. I'm

1211
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:30,320
Speaker 1: not exactly a hundred forty, about forty right, black ticks.

1212
01:04:30,320 --> 01:04:32,400
Speaker 1: She's next door. So I handed it to her. I

1213
01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:34,240
Speaker 1: was like, oh here, I got this, you know in

1214
01:04:34,280 --> 01:04:35,680
Speaker 1: the mail. I wanted to give him to you. I

1215
01:04:35,720 --> 01:04:38,440
Speaker 1: was because we gotta keep from staying young. She goes,

1216
01:04:38,840 --> 01:04:40,600
Speaker 1: and we gotta keep staying young. And she was like, bro,

1217
01:04:40,720 --> 01:04:43,320
Speaker 1: I'm way older than you. And I said, what you use?

1218
01:04:43,360 --> 01:04:45,280
Speaker 1: Thirty five? I swear on my mom And I thought

1219
01:04:45,280 --> 01:04:48,320
Speaker 1: she was maybe at max like thirty eight. She looked

1220
01:04:48,360 --> 01:04:53,080
Speaker 1: really young and she said I'm fifty. I said, bitch,

1221
01:04:53,120 --> 01:04:56,160
Speaker 1: I know you vegan. That's that's how it might not

1222
01:04:56,200 --> 01:04:59,360
Speaker 1: even be vegan. That's how uh, that's how motherfucker's be

1223
01:04:59,440 --> 01:05:03,360
Speaker 1: treating my ex like my ex does not look fifty

1224
01:05:03,640 --> 01:05:05,760
Speaker 1: at all. No, And I think that's the thing though,

1225
01:05:05,760 --> 01:05:07,440
Speaker 1: when you really take care of body. And don't get

1226
01:05:07,440 --> 01:05:09,680
Speaker 1: me wrong, I only know her because she is a dog.

1227
01:05:09,760 --> 01:05:11,200
Speaker 1: So we'd be at the dog park, but she'd be

1228
01:05:11,280 --> 01:05:13,200
Speaker 1: running with the dog, jumping up and off the table

1229
01:05:13,240 --> 01:05:14,600
Speaker 1: like working on like crazy. And I'm like, yo, you

1230
01:05:14,600 --> 01:05:16,240
Speaker 1: know you don't like fifty. So I say all that

1231
01:05:16,320 --> 01:05:20,120
Speaker 1: to say, she said, because I thought about Maggie. Who's

1232
01:05:20,160 --> 01:05:23,760
Speaker 1: the bitch Obey went see and due and she said, girl,

1233
01:05:25,000 --> 01:05:27,240
Speaker 1: I don't have a concept of time. She said, if

1234
01:05:27,280 --> 01:05:29,640
Speaker 1: you asked me, I'm still sucking the nick. I was

1235
01:05:29,640 --> 01:05:32,000
Speaker 1: from high school. She was like, everything feels the same.

1236
01:05:32,520 --> 01:05:34,960
Speaker 1: She was like, I take care of my body. She

1237
01:05:35,040 --> 01:05:37,040
Speaker 1: was like, and my spirit is like she said, I

1238
01:05:37,080 --> 01:05:39,600
Speaker 1: eat good and I'll tell no lies. I said, I know,

1239
01:05:39,760 --> 01:05:42,720
Speaker 1: not right, and I really want to tell old Bay

1240
01:05:42,720 --> 01:05:45,919
Speaker 1: because this body is fucking crazy. He really really works

1241
01:05:45,960 --> 01:05:48,720
Speaker 1: on his body, but he tells lies, and so that's

1242
01:05:48,720 --> 01:05:53,640
Speaker 1: why he's bald. Well. Balding is not no body. I

1243
01:05:53,760 --> 01:06:02,000
Speaker 1: like hair. Bald is sexy, but I doubt what a

1244
01:06:02,000 --> 01:06:05,640
Speaker 1: lot of diggas was bald. I've had other bald niggas coming.

1245
01:06:05,680 --> 01:06:10,320
Speaker 1: Suck me down. You like bald players? Oh? Episode named

1246
01:06:10,360 --> 01:06:15,120
Speaker 1: sorry anyways, guys in this episode is our cinema for

1247
01:06:15,200 --> 01:06:20,280
Speaker 1: the month, and we chose to do Bad Vegan if

1248
01:06:20,280 --> 01:06:23,000
Speaker 1: I'm not a bad Vegan on bacay bro. It was good.

1249
01:06:23,240 --> 01:06:25,280
Speaker 1: It was really good. But what's crazy too? I think

1250
01:06:25,360 --> 01:06:30,000
Speaker 1: last month we did The Tender Swindler, so it's very

1251
01:06:30,040 --> 01:06:32,560
Speaker 1: similar in conversations. So I dug in to do some

1252
01:06:32,640 --> 01:06:35,480
Speaker 1: different things. But before we started with with the catchup,

1253
01:06:35,840 --> 01:06:40,600
Speaker 1: I want to know what other TV you were currently watching? Um?

1254
01:06:40,800 --> 01:06:43,760
Speaker 1: Jocelyn's Caperette Honey, I can't wait to see this tea

1255
01:06:43,800 --> 01:06:45,280
Speaker 1: was one one day I just I just went to

1256
01:06:45,320 --> 01:06:47,720
Speaker 1: a sante's house and he caught me all the way

1257
01:06:47,800 --> 01:06:51,680
Speaker 1: up with it, so a mess. Did What was I

1258
01:06:51,680 --> 01:06:56,000
Speaker 1: gonna say? Um, I've been rewatching Girls on HBO and

1259
01:06:56,080 --> 01:07:00,280
Speaker 1: I've been watching what is it that I watched every Sunday?

1260
01:07:00,400 --> 01:07:03,680
Speaker 1: Oh not neither fiance. That ship's getting crazy? Um. I

1261
01:07:03,720 --> 01:07:07,120
Speaker 1: didn't want to make mention. I was in a every

1262
01:07:07,160 --> 01:07:09,640
Speaker 1: week On Tuesday's we have a staff meeting with all

1263
01:07:09,640 --> 01:07:13,280
Speaker 1: the heads at my job, and two of the departments

1264
01:07:13,320 --> 01:07:15,240
Speaker 1: have to do with stuff you watch right, film and TV,

1265
01:07:15,880 --> 01:07:18,120
Speaker 1: and literally one of the girls is like, someone so

1266
01:07:18,280 --> 01:07:21,000
Speaker 1: keeps throwing me a project, but like, by the time

1267
01:07:21,400 --> 01:07:25,480
Speaker 1: we released this on Netflix, they're already gonna be tired

1268
01:07:25,480 --> 01:07:28,880
Speaker 1: of this scamming. She's like, Netflix goes in waves, so

1269
01:07:29,040 --> 01:07:31,040
Speaker 1: right now you've got Ana LV, then you've got the

1270
01:07:31,080 --> 01:07:33,720
Speaker 1: Tinder Swindler, then you've got Bad Vegan. She's like, we're

1271
01:07:33,720 --> 01:07:36,120
Speaker 1: in a wave of scam She's like, we've been in

1272
01:07:36,160 --> 01:07:38,280
Speaker 1: a wave of stand up. We got in a wave

1273
01:07:38,320 --> 01:07:41,040
Speaker 1: of black sheet and she's like, Netflix hits you in

1274
01:07:41,080 --> 01:07:43,280
Speaker 1: waves and keep feeding you. She's like, by the time

1275
01:07:43,320 --> 01:07:45,400
Speaker 1: we acquire this project, the wave will be off. And

1276
01:07:45,440 --> 01:07:49,280
Speaker 1: I was like, wow, like that is really like Hollywood

1277
01:07:49,320 --> 01:07:51,800
Speaker 1: ship because I don't even I forgot Anna Delvy to

1278
01:07:52,320 --> 01:07:54,160
Speaker 1: all of them, and now it makes me want more.

1279
01:07:54,280 --> 01:07:57,240
Speaker 1: And of course because you watched blah blah blah, now

1280
01:07:57,280 --> 01:08:01,240
Speaker 1: you like this. So it's like I do enjoy it,

1281
01:08:01,320 --> 01:08:04,520
Speaker 1: and the Bad Vegan story was great, but like I

1282
01:08:04,560 --> 01:08:06,960
Speaker 1: want to actually see how long that time. Really It's

1283
01:08:07,000 --> 01:08:10,160
Speaker 1: weird because I really don't think people get sick of it.

1284
01:08:10,240 --> 01:08:12,280
Speaker 1: Like I'm someone and I think I mentioned it on

1285
01:08:12,280 --> 01:08:16,120
Speaker 1: this pod when I'm just like nothing's on TV. I

1286
01:08:16,160 --> 01:08:20,479
Speaker 1: love to binge American greed, which technically is scams maybe

1287
01:08:20,520 --> 01:08:22,479
Speaker 1: a year or two ago. No, no, no, people don't

1288
01:08:22,479 --> 01:08:25,000
Speaker 1: get sick of it. I think they're saying, like the hype. Oh,

1289
01:08:25,160 --> 01:08:27,400
Speaker 1: I mean but even what was it one or two

1290
01:08:27,479 --> 01:08:31,439
Speaker 1: years ago now was Firefest and that had everyone's talking.

1291
01:08:31,560 --> 01:08:35,000
Speaker 1: So I mean, I think that the people love watching

1292
01:08:35,040 --> 01:08:38,000
Speaker 1: other people get got over on. I don't know why,

1293
01:08:38,040 --> 01:08:40,479
Speaker 1: but I think it's a thing I think is it's

1294
01:08:40,520 --> 01:08:43,679
Speaker 1: also like the everyday person to all of these people

1295
01:08:43,680 --> 01:08:46,519
Speaker 1: are very unassuming, you know what I mean, Like I

1296
01:08:46,520 --> 01:08:49,160
Speaker 1: think I was talking to Sophia that they're not even unassuming,

1297
01:08:49,200 --> 01:08:51,599
Speaker 1: they just white because the way, no, no, no, there

1298
01:08:51,640 --> 01:08:56,040
Speaker 1: could be your everyday persons crook as bitches who somehow

1299
01:08:56,120 --> 01:08:58,719
Speaker 1: even just get the access to all this loan money.

1300
01:08:59,160 --> 01:09:00,960
Speaker 1: It's insane. So it's in thick