1
00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,679
Speaker 1: I stole nuts from a squirrel, and now my life

2
00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:06,400
Speaker 1: is ruined. I have always thought of myself as rather intelligent.

3
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:10,039
Speaker 1: My wife says, I'm on par with an average chimp

4
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,240
Speaker 1: or an octopus.

5
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,680
Speaker 2: Octopuses are very smart.

6
00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:14,800
Speaker 3: And I am proud of this fact.

7
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:17,800
Speaker 1: I recently had the opportunity to engage in a battle

8
00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:20,560
Speaker 1: of wits with a squirrel, which I thought would have

9
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,599
Speaker 1: been an occasion I would be able to rise to,

10
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,560
Speaker 1: given to my recent triumph over the dog, who I

11
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:31,400
Speaker 1: tricked into thinking the ball disappeared object impermanence what alas,

12
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,600
Speaker 1: We have a backyard with a nice garden that my

13
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,920
Speaker 1: wife designed and built. She's really proud of it and

14
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,600
Speaker 1: finds a lot of relaxation working on. I work from home,

15
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,839
Speaker 1: and recently I've noticed that we get a daily visitor

16
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,400
Speaker 1: who is a daily visitor John a squirrel. A squirrel

17
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,800
Speaker 1: in the garden, how dare it? Who also likes to

18
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,080
Speaker 1: poke around and look for food. I usually see him

19
00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:54,120
Speaker 1: while making breakfast. I almost thought it said I usually

20
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,440
Speaker 1: see him while he's making breakfast. I'm like, damn, this

21
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:57,960
Speaker 1: squirrel crazy.

22
00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,440
Speaker 2: And this squirrel flippit omelets.

23
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:02,560
Speaker 1: It's like the baby, you know, the tiktoks where they

24
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,119
Speaker 1: have like the tiny tiny So I usually walk by

25
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,680
Speaker 1: the window and watch him forage. Well, about a week

26
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,800
Speaker 1: ago I saw him bury an acorn or some kind

27
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:12,440
Speaker 1: of nut.

28
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,200
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, bury that nut if you catch my drift.

29
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,919
Speaker 2: I catch a drift John literal nut semen Ooh.

30
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,520
Speaker 1: I had this bright idea that I'd go there and

31
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,039
Speaker 1: put a handful of mixed nuts in there with the

32
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:25,480
Speaker 1: one that he had buried.

33
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,360
Speaker 3: I thought this was genius level trolling.

34
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,720
Speaker 1: I was so amused at my idea that the next

35
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,039
Speaker 1: day I even stood by the window watching him look

36
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,039
Speaker 1: for the spot where he had buried the nuts. And

37
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:40,080
Speaker 1: I was mumbling to myself something like, foolish, foolish squirrel,

38
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,160
Speaker 1: you know nothing.

39
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,360
Speaker 2: Wait, I want to see what happens with this all

40
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,080
Speaker 2: finds this buried treasure.

41
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,520
Speaker 1: Also, who is like so maniacal against the poor little squirrel?

42
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,680
Speaker 1: This is he's like, Oh, he's actually doing something good

43
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,120
Speaker 1: for this girl.

44
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,120
Speaker 4: Yeah, he's like giving him like a treasure trove of nuts,

45
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,200
Speaker 4: like this is like winning the lottery.

46
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:01,920
Speaker 1: All the nuts in his mouth he could ever wish for. Well, anyways,

47
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,720
Speaker 1: the squirrel unburied his nut, and he found it and

48
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,240
Speaker 1: apparently manifested a ton of other nuts, and the look

49
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,959
Speaker 1: on his face was hilarious. I mean he was visibly

50
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:15,480
Speaker 1: shocked and quickly buried the whole stash again, then ran

51
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,240
Speaker 1: up the tree and sat there watching Slash, guarding it

52
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,960
Speaker 1: from the other squirrels. I love how like the squirrel

53
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,200
Speaker 1: could be shocked.

54
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,720
Speaker 4: Yeah, the squirrel is like holy shit, I mean, squirrels,

55
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:29,600
Speaker 4: do you havelsting like a yes, this is this is

56
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,880
Speaker 4: compound interests of nuts.

57
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,079
Speaker 1: This is the Warren Buffett of squirrels over here. At

58
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,520
Speaker 1: this point, I was so pleased with myself that I

59
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,600
Speaker 1: spent the whole day cracking up at.

60
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,600
Speaker 3: The thought of this squirrel.

61
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,480
Speaker 1: But then at two am, I was struck with an

62
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:44,880
Speaker 1: even more genius idea.

63
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,040
Speaker 2: This man have a job.

64
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:50,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, clearly his working from home is like, yeah, I

65
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:58,079
Speaker 1: worked on this special archaeological project. Yeah. It's like it's

66
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:01,120
Speaker 1: like the LinkedIn like the LinkedIn bio language. Like I

67
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,840
Speaker 1: successfully transferred a you know, like the scientific name for

68
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:10,240
Speaker 1: a nut, like a Polinist contu into freshly buried soil

69
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:14,640
Speaker 1: and aiden and assisted in my furry coworkers discoveries.

70
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:19,320
Speaker 3: I went on side and I buried even more nuts. Nuts.

71
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,120
Speaker 4: That's nuts. He is packing his stash with his nuts

72
00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:24,640
Speaker 4: scarred like.

73
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,760
Speaker 1: Three times more than there was a rich more this

74
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,680
Speaker 1: is This might be like squirrel's investment has gone through

75
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:33,320
Speaker 1: the ro This is a dopamine overload on the squirrel

76
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,400
Speaker 1: might just like become a meth head over here.

77
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,360
Speaker 3: This is nut nuts. Now.

78
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,440
Speaker 1: I couldn't sleep the rest of the night because I

79
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,040
Speaker 1: was way too dang excited about.

80
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,080
Speaker 4: This squirrel checking in on his stash again again. This

81
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,240
Speaker 4: guy does he have a job. How is he dedicating

82
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,600
Speaker 4: this much time in the middle of the night to

83
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,400
Speaker 4: fucking with this squirrel?

84
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,880
Speaker 3: Wherever he works, he needs to be fired.

85
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,600
Speaker 1: I probably should have realized that work from home has

86
00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,800
Speaker 1: truly loosened my grip on reality for two years.

87
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,200
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, you can see that now.

88
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,840
Speaker 1: At this point, I find myself sitting at the window

89
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:10,320
Speaker 1: at five am waiting for this damn squirrel to show

90
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:14,080
Speaker 1: up and just giggling to myself like, oh yeah, he's

91
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:20,520
Speaker 1: gonna totally trip out gus crazy to god. The squirrel

92
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:24,359
Speaker 1: finally showed up and he started checking his hoard. The

93
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:30,159
Speaker 1: look on his face in describable. He was so flabberg

94
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,919
Speaker 1: acid by what he found that he actually had to

95
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,240
Speaker 1: look over both shoulders all around the yard, as if

96
00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:37,360
Speaker 1: to say, are.

97
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,880
Speaker 3: You kidding me? Is anyone else e fansian this?

98
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,640
Speaker 4: Yeah, I feel like the squirrel is getting paranoid. It's

99
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,120
Speaker 4: like he's like, I gotta keep this under wraps. My

100
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,239
Speaker 4: whole family's gonna be asked. You after these nuts, after

101
00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:50,680
Speaker 4: my inheritance, they got generational squirrel wealth.

102
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:50,960
Speaker 3: Yeah.

103
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:54,320
Speaker 1: Literally, he just sat there inspecting his hoard for like

104
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,440
Speaker 1: ten or fifteen minutes, frantically trying to figure out how

105
00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,159
Speaker 1: he managed to find his newfound wealth. And in this

106
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,960
Speaker 1: this moments, I realized that the squirrel faced the same

107
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:07,520
Speaker 1: philosophical dilemma that most lottery winners get when they incur

108
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,440
Speaker 1: a giant windfall of cash and no idea how to

109
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:14,280
Speaker 1: properly handle it. His anxieties became mine, and I found

110
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,839
Speaker 1: myself thinking I would probably not fare any better if

111
00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:19,400
Speaker 1: I won millions of dollars.

112
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, dude, it's a burden.

113
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,240
Speaker 1: I think this person might be slightly overestimating the thought

114
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:27,960
Speaker 1: process of a squirrel. Eventually, the squirrel divided his stash

115
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,760
Speaker 1: into a few smaller piles and buried them all within

116
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,000
Speaker 1: a few inches of each other.

117
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,839
Speaker 2: Smart diversify your income sources.

118
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,080
Speaker 3: Within a few inches of each other.

119
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,200
Speaker 2: That's not a diversified enough, idiot.

120
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,080
Speaker 1: I don't know why the squirrel did this, but maybe

121
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,360
Speaker 1: had something to do with the investor warning about too

122
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,400
Speaker 1: many eggs in one basket. He was so afixed of

123
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,120
Speaker 1: his hoard that he now had a hard time leaving it.

124
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,240
Speaker 1: I spent the rest of the day thinking about how

125
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,280
Speaker 1: to ratchet up the drama that was unfolding between us.

126
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,279
Speaker 3: Oh my, what is your job, sir? Oh my god,

127
00:05:58,640 --> 00:05:59,880
Speaker 3: please please.

128
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:01,520
Speaker 2: His wife is like.

129
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:06,840
Speaker 4: Bill, you've been obsessing over this squirrel for months now.

130
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,880
Speaker 2: You've not given me or the kids any attention. Literally,

131
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:11,960
Speaker 2: I'm divorcing you.

132
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:13,520
Speaker 3: You're not even listening.

133
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,159
Speaker 2: You're still talking about this squirrel.

134
00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:16,800
Speaker 1: And then the end of the end of the story

135
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,160
Speaker 1: is like and then it was that moment I realized

136
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,119
Speaker 1: I'm in love with this squirrel. Wow, And I had

137
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,479
Speaker 1: to I had to marry them. Now we live happily

138
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,200
Speaker 1: ever after, with all the nuts on that nut juice. Now,

139
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:33,440
Speaker 1: this preoccupation gave way to a sort of love crafty

140
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:38,200
Speaker 1: and madness where all day long I experienced ghoulish, intrusive

141
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,359
Speaker 1: thoughts about the funniest stuff I could do with this

142
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:45,320
Speaker 1: squirrel stash. Eventually, I concluded that I needed to end

143
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,400
Speaker 1: the game and level the economic playing field among the

144
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,839
Speaker 1: squirrel population in the most communist way I could.

145
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, he can't have one squirrel having all the wealth.

146
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,560
Speaker 1: Absolutely not. There cannot be a one percent or situation.

147
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:01,960
Speaker 2: I can't have a.

148
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:04,679
Speaker 1: No, absolutely not, lest this little bastard use his resource

149
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:08,240
Speaker 1: advantage to create some evil rodent monopoly. So I went

150
00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:10,880
Speaker 1: outside that night and reclaimed all of the nuts that

151
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,720
Speaker 1: I had given to him, but I left him the

152
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,320
Speaker 1: one single initial nut that he had buried. And when

153
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,440
Speaker 1: he came back the next day, he absolutely lost his mind.

154
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:22,880
Speaker 1: He was running all over the wooden fence, up and

155
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,960
Speaker 1: down the trees, searching manically for the culprit who had

156
00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,280
Speaker 1: ripped him off. The amount of twitching and rage chirping

157
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,160
Speaker 1: he did was enough to disturb the nearby birds. I

158
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:36,640
Speaker 1: felt like a god lording over the fate of the puny,

159
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,400
Speaker 1: mortal squirrel who had ventured into my yard. And I

160
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,480
Speaker 1: couldn't help but realize that if this squirrel had taken

161
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:46,240
Speaker 1: at least some of the nuts with him to another location,

162
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:50,040
Speaker 1: he could have profited greatly. But this foolish creature learned

163
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:54,120
Speaker 1: the hard way that hottle mentality does not always yield

164
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:59,600
Speaker 1: insane nut ROI sell a high, Come on, get out

165
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:05,040
Speaker 1: of there for the crash squirrel ftx explodes before f

166
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,360
Speaker 1: tree X goes bottom under.

167
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,560
Speaker 3: Sometimes you ride.

168
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,320
Speaker 1: The wave to zero and end up with an empty

169
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:16,920
Speaker 1: wallet with your fuzzy little squirrel in hand. I like

170
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,880
Speaker 1: the market can be a capricious mistress. When I went

171
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,320
Speaker 1: to bed that night, I eagerly told my wife about

172
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,800
Speaker 1: my cruel shenanigans, and she laughed pretty hard at the story. However,

173
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,120
Speaker 1: the next morning when we woke up, the squirrel had

174
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,400
Speaker 1: absolutely devastated the garden.

175
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,920
Speaker 2: Wait, the garden that the wife spent all that time.

176
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,480
Speaker 3: All the time laying her soil down my disrut.

177
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,680
Speaker 2: She can't be happy.

178
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,559
Speaker 1: Having dug scores of holes and pulling up little flowers

179
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,920
Speaker 1: and plants searching for his lost little treasure. My wife

180
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,040
Speaker 1: is super pissed at me, and this weekend I have

181
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:51,880
Speaker 1: to fix the entire garden. And now I'm not allowed

182
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:55,400
Speaker 1: to buy any mixed nuts or interact with squirrels anymore.

183
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:58,800
Speaker 4: Probably for the best for your marriage's sake and also

184
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,640
Speaker 4: for your job. Let's stay away from the squirrels. I

185
00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:07,800
Speaker 4: think he's sure. Mark Robert making a video about squirrels

186
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,440
Speaker 4: going through like magical hoops.

187
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:13,640
Speaker 1: What about creating a squirrel economy and becoming their god.

188
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:14,880
Speaker 2: I think it will be fun.

189
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,760
Speaker 1: He could create a whole commune of like squirrels and

190
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,320
Speaker 1: train them to get nuts for him to listen, and

191
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,840
Speaker 1: they mutually live.

192
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,439
Speaker 4: Off of Or maybe he trains them to steal cash

193
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,520
Speaker 4: from strangers and he gives them nuts in exchange.

194
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:29,520
Speaker 3: Interesting.

195
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:30,800
Speaker 2: I like this idea.

196
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,920
Speaker 1: If you think his wife is mad, check out this

197
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,959
Speaker 1: one where the husband loses two hundred thousand dollars of

198
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:36,800
Speaker 1: his wife's money.

199
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,400
Speaker 3: Click here check the link in the description