1 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:12,799 Speaker 1: You're listening to Alive Again, a production of Psychopia Pictures 2 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 1: and iHeart Podcasts. 3 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:18,360 Speaker 2: My name is Brooke Nisley. I fell over twenty feet 4 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,119 Speaker 2: out of a redwood tree while I'm bibing. I was 5 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:25,240 Speaker 2: in attendae coma, and I didn't die. 6 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:30,400 Speaker 1: Welcome to Alive Again, a podcast that showcases miraculous accounts 7 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,839 Speaker 1: of human fragility and resilience from people whose lives were 8 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:38,920 Speaker 1: forever altered after having almost died. These are first hand 9 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:42,760 Speaker 1: accounts of near death experiences and more broadly, brushes with death. 10 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: Our mission is simple, find, explore, and share these stories 11 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:49,880 Speaker 1: to remind us all of our shared human condition. Please 12 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,239 Speaker 1: keep in mind these stories are true and maybe triggering 13 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,520 Speaker 1: for some listener, and discretion is advised. 14 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 2: For the few months preceding my accident, when I fell 15 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:14,920 Speaker 2: twenty feet over twenty feet out of a tree in 16 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 2: Santa Cruz, I was attending U SEE Santa Cruz as 17 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 2: an undergraduate. I had transferred through the community college. I 18 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 2: get the transfer program, and I, to put it lightly, 19 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,679 Speaker 2: wasn't doing great. 20 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:37,800 Speaker 3: I was. 21 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:45,840 Speaker 2: A pretty bad alcoholic. I was drinking daily. I was 22 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 2: told by a professor's aide when I turned in an 23 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:57,040 Speaker 2: essay extremely late. They said to me, Wow, imagine if 24 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,520 Speaker 2: you did this work all of the time, it turned 25 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:04,160 Speaker 2: it in. This is brilliant, But you just don't. And 26 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 2: that translated was you're a dirty alcoholic and you're drunk 27 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:11,800 Speaker 2: all the time. It's a hit or miss if you 28 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:16,720 Speaker 2: show up in class, so to put it lightly, not 29 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:26,360 Speaker 2: in an ideal situation. So the night that I fell 30 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,160 Speaker 2: out of the dream, it would be more accurate to 31 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:34,600 Speaker 2: describe the time leading up to that, as in, at 32 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,680 Speaker 2: the time says I can't do you see Santa Cruz 33 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 2: because I climb trees all the time. That that was 34 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,720 Speaker 2: a favorite activity of me and the elder transfer students. 35 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:50,119 Speaker 2: We would get drunk, well, I should say, we would 36 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:54,480 Speaker 2: have a few beers and climb trees. We were climbing redwoods. 37 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:58,680 Speaker 2: We were never really two sheets the wind. We always 38 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,480 Speaker 2: try to keep it eve, it kind of contained. And 39 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,120 Speaker 2: I always considered myself a very good climber. I never 40 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:14,960 Speaker 2: had any scarcer accidents. I can't describe to you the 41 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 2: night of my accident from my own memory because I 42 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 2: have no memory of it. But I was told by 43 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:26,240 Speaker 2: the friend I was with when it happened that we 44 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 2: had had a couple of beers, and then we climbed 45 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 2: the tree, and when we're about eighty feet or so up, 46 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,000 Speaker 2: I turned and looked at her and was like, I 47 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:40,280 Speaker 2: gotta get down right now. She said, I just booked it. 48 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 2: I was climbing down as fast as I could, and 49 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:46,280 Speaker 2: then all she heard were two smacks and then a thud, 50 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,880 Speaker 2: which I assume was me hitting branches, and then they 51 00:03:49,960 --> 00:04:01,400 Speaker 2: ground the forest floor. Luckily, my head broke my fall, 52 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 2: so I didn't break anything except for my brain. And 53 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:10,440 Speaker 2: then she got down and then they actually carried me. 54 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,840 Speaker 2: So this is something you should not do. You should 55 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,400 Speaker 2: not move someone who may or may not have a 56 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 2: like neck or spinal cord injury. They carried me back 57 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:24,360 Speaker 2: to there's actually a trailer park on the UC Santa 58 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,840 Speaker 2: Cruz's campus, and she lived in the trailer park, so 59 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 2: they carried me back to one of the trailers in 60 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,080 Speaker 2: the trailer park. And finally someone was like, we should 61 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 2: call nine poet one, so then they called an ambulance. 62 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:44,160 Speaker 2: But but yeah, but folk, you know, leading up to that, 63 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 2: we would just get drunk and be like rap scalion 64 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:51,440 Speaker 2: and my friend, yeah, she said that. I tried to 65 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,479 Speaker 2: talk her into sneaking me out. I was like, you 66 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,039 Speaker 2: could just take me away, you could just help me 67 00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:02,440 Speaker 2: get out. And then they kept asking. So they ask 68 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,720 Speaker 2: people who have traumatic green injuries, which is what I 69 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,640 Speaker 2: had a series of questions to orient them. And they 70 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,919 Speaker 2: kept asking me where I went to high school, and 71 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:16,080 Speaker 2: I kept saying San Dimas over and over again, and 72 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:20,039 Speaker 2: I've never been to San Dimas scenario in La. And 73 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,080 Speaker 2: it was only after a while my mom called my 74 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,720 Speaker 2: dad and said she keeps saying San Dimas. He's like, 75 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 2: that's a high school from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. 76 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,200 Speaker 2: And so I was just defaulting to just like pulling 77 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:37,040 Speaker 2: from information wherever I could find it. I guess wear 78 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:46,039 Speaker 2: in the recesses of my brain. During this time too, 79 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,960 Speaker 2: a guy that I had been sleeping with but not 80 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 2: together with, came into the hospital told everyone he was 81 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,720 Speaker 2: my boyfriend and so and then my best friend at 82 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,920 Speaker 2: the time pulled my mom aside. It was like, this 83 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:03,680 Speaker 2: is not her boyfriend. But my mom didn't really she 84 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 2: was I'll give it to her. She was under a 85 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 2: lot of stress, so she didn't have the bandwidth to 86 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 2: argue with this guy, so she just let him be around. 87 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,839 Speaker 2: So at one point, my friend told me that they'd 88 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,960 Speaker 2: walk into the room and I'd see him and I'd go, well, 89 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:27,039 Speaker 2: I have a boyfriend now, I yes, So when my 90 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,920 Speaker 2: memory first started, it started coming back to me. At 91 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,720 Speaker 2: one point, he walked in and introduced himself to me 92 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,240 Speaker 2: and said, do you remember me? And I said yes, 93 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,520 Speaker 2: I think I do. And he was like, I've been 94 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:42,280 Speaker 2: telling people that I'm your boyfriend. Is that okay? And 95 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:47,040 Speaker 2: I said, well, I guess. So. He very much inserted 96 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:51,200 Speaker 2: himself into my recovery after that. So, while I was 97 00:06:51,279 --> 00:06:54,000 Speaker 2: doing outpatient therapy, I went back to San Diego, where 98 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,159 Speaker 2: my parents are located, to stay with them while I 99 00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:59,239 Speaker 2: was doing that, and he came back to San Diego 100 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,919 Speaker 2: he's not from Santana Diego, and found a place to 101 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 2: rent and was just showing up at my house all 102 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 2: the time. And I was in contact with a friend 103 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,720 Speaker 2: that I had been with falling out of the tree. 104 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:17,120 Speaker 2: But every time I messaged her, she would say to 105 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 2: be like, oh, do you remember everything? And I'd be like, 106 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 2: I don't remember anything about that night and whatever I 107 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:26,360 Speaker 2: repeated our conversations to him, he would freak out. He 108 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 2: would freak out and be like why would you say 109 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,680 Speaker 2: that to her? And then she kept saying things to 110 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,880 Speaker 2: me like maybe there's something he doesn't want you to remember. 111 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 2: And then after a while of this kind of back 112 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:41,120 Speaker 2: and forth him freaking out, I started diggy. I was 113 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,480 Speaker 2: still I have to pay the same for you, because 114 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,640 Speaker 2: I was still I had double vision, I had diplobeia, 115 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:53,360 Speaker 2: I couldn't walk within an arm crutch. I I didn't 116 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,360 Speaker 2: take a solid boop for a long time after my 117 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,080 Speaker 2: accident because I got seated from the hospital and destroyed 118 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,480 Speaker 2: my got back to your ID. Lost a lot of 119 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:04,800 Speaker 2: weight also, because being in a coma you lose a 120 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:09,240 Speaker 2: percentage of body mass every day. It was just ridiculous. 121 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,280 Speaker 2: And then on top of that, my brain was just 122 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 2: not I could remember, I could understand what people were 123 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,960 Speaker 2: saying to me, but I couldn't always remember it, so 124 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 2: sometimes I would forget. So my my ur retention was bad, 125 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,240 Speaker 2: but my comprehension was good, which is just like I 126 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 2: don't know if you've ever heard something immediately forgot it. 127 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 2: That was basically my whole existence at that plenty of time. 128 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:45,440 Speaker 2: So it was just looking back at it that it 129 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,120 Speaker 2: was very funny just thinking of me sitting there with 130 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,359 Speaker 2: like one eye closed, like a pirate reading over old messages, 131 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 2: whereas I and also I was a I don't know 132 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 2: if I can guys. I was about to say I 133 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 2: was a househole, but so I was kind of an asshole, 134 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:07,880 Speaker 2: like I was so good at emotional things, my emotional 135 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:11,280 Speaker 2: intelligence was quite low. So I was reading back through 136 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 2: these messages, and that's why I discovered that the guy 137 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:21,360 Speaker 2: who was pretending my be my boyfriend had sexually assaulted 138 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,160 Speaker 2: the friend I was in the tree with, and then 139 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 2: I had been like mediating their conversations. But I didn't 140 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 2: have a memory of this, but as it was such 141 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,400 Speaker 2: a weird sensation because reading the messages, and then I 142 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 2: did start to remember it. I was like, I remember this. 143 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 2: And then I sent her this big along paragraph talking 144 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,959 Speaker 2: about like psycho analytic theory and then at the end 145 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:47,080 Speaker 2: being like, yeah, I think he might be a narcissist, 146 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,240 Speaker 2: and just like, I'm like, what a crazy person that 147 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:53,080 Speaker 2: I set her all of this psycho analytic tests to 148 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,760 Speaker 2: explain that I think that he might be a narcissist. 149 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 2: When I could have just said like, yeah, no, this 150 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 2: is bad. But finally, when I you know, I got 151 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,480 Speaker 2: through all of that. I was like, oh, my goodness, 152 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,640 Speaker 2: but I didn't know what to do because at the 153 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,720 Speaker 2: time I was staying with my parents and not to 154 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 2: throw them under the bus, but they weren't. They were 155 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,840 Speaker 2: also having issues with my brother at the time. He 156 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:22,480 Speaker 2: has he had his own health than going on, and 157 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 2: so they had a house full of just everyone was 158 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:29,480 Speaker 2: just brain addled at that time. I didn't at my 159 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,199 Speaker 2: own bedroom. I was actually sleeping in my mom's bed 160 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,440 Speaker 2: with her. My brother had a room in the back 161 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,400 Speaker 2: that my dad just like slept on the couch. So 162 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:42,240 Speaker 2: we were just a collection of people. And I just 163 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 2: felt very lost then because I couldn't think. I couldn't 164 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,960 Speaker 2: think longer than a few seconds at the time. I 165 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 2: couldn't remember what I was thinking before that. This guy 166 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,480 Speaker 2: would keep showing up and side out. He would do 167 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:57,920 Speaker 2: like crazy things to me, like he he would say 168 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,680 Speaker 2: so fucked up things to me. He would He took 169 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:04,360 Speaker 2: me to Palmar Mountain in the east of North County 170 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:07,439 Speaker 2: one time, and my doctor had said that I shouldn't 171 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:12,560 Speaker 2: do extreme, you know, extraneous exercises because my body was 172 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:15,719 Speaker 2: having issues regular temperature. To things like that, he was like, no, 173 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,000 Speaker 2: the only way you'll get better is if you like 174 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,240 Speaker 2: jog up this mountain. So I did, and I threw 175 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 2: up all over the side of the mountain and he 176 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,480 Speaker 2: just like sat down next to me. He sat down 177 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 2: next to me, and he goes, he just like sell 178 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,560 Speaker 2: it for a second. He's like, my dad was always 179 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,720 Speaker 2: very hard to hug me. 180 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,600 Speaker 4: And I just thought, I just like, looking back at it, 181 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,959 Speaker 4: it was just so funny because it's just like it's 182 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,440 Speaker 4: like that was his way of just like explaining why 183 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 4: he's being such a. 184 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,840 Speaker 2: My one's not handling any of that well. In my defense, 185 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:54,240 Speaker 2: I was very, very damaged. But so when that revelation came, 186 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,960 Speaker 2: when I finally like pieced together what had happened before, 187 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,440 Speaker 2: I brought it up to him because I have no chill, 188 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,600 Speaker 2: and I said like, hey, I feel like the only 189 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 2: reason you're here is because you want her to think 190 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 2: that you're taking care of me. Boy, you're not. And 191 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 2: I was like, oh, that's not true. You know, a 192 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:17,079 Speaker 2: defensive backped line, that's not true. So that went back 193 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:21,200 Speaker 2: and forth for a little bit, and then he left. 194 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,920 Speaker 2: Right after I got an eye surgery that fixed my 195 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:29,719 Speaker 2: double vision. When I started getting better, the guy, this 196 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 2: guy actually he said to me the balls. He said 197 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:36,000 Speaker 2: to me, he was like, wow, I feel like now 198 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 2: that you're getting better and I don't have your injury 199 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 2: to think about as much. Side note, I still couldn't 200 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:46,600 Speaker 2: walk by myself entirely, and she's like there was still 201 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,080 Speaker 2: a lot wrong with me. And he was like, now 202 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 2: that you're getting better, which now he was like, now 203 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:55,559 Speaker 2: I'm more worried about the situation with that girl, because 204 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 2: you're right, this thing did happen, but I don't think 205 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 2: it was as bad as she said. And then he 206 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:04,640 Speaker 2: was like defending himself and I was like, so you 207 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,199 Speaker 2: admit it. You admit it that the only reason why 208 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,440 Speaker 2: you're here is because you were distracted. You were trying 209 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,800 Speaker 2: to create some sordin narrative in your head. And he 210 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,760 Speaker 2: was like, no, that's not true at all. I'm just 211 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 2: saying that I have to worry every day about potentially 212 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 2: having charges brought against me for something that I feel 213 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 2: like I didn't even do. And I told him, I 214 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,959 Speaker 2: was like, do you know how to insane? This sounds? 215 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:33,079 Speaker 2: Right now? I feel like the only victim in this 216 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,640 Speaker 2: situation between the two of us is me that you 217 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,719 Speaker 2: are here doing this and that set him off, and 218 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 2: he anyway, long story short, he finally left. He was like, 219 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:56,720 Speaker 2: I have to leave. I have to leave. So he left. 220 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 2: We stopped being in contact act. I started pulling my 221 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:05,920 Speaker 2: brain together as best I could. I actually I hadn't 222 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:10,840 Speaker 2: finished my degree, so finally I transferred down to UC 223 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,839 Speaker 2: San Diego. Finished my last remaining credits at you see 224 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,280 Speaker 2: San Diego. So anyway, so I finished those units up. 225 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,880 Speaker 2: And then after I finished those units up, it was 226 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,800 Speaker 2: right after I had turned twenty six so twenty sixteen, 227 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,800 Speaker 2: and so I was no longer in my parents' health insurance, 228 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:31,320 Speaker 2: and I was getting health insurance through the Affordable Care Act. 229 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,600 Speaker 2: But it like cover California, but it was not enough. 230 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,200 Speaker 2: Even my doctor's always seeing through that insurance kept telling me, 231 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 2: they're like, you're seeing you went through an injury like 232 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,000 Speaker 2: that and you're seeing me. No, you need better insurance. 233 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:48,240 Speaker 2: So I had uh. I had scored a job at 234 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 2: an academic publishing company as a production assistant. So I 235 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,880 Speaker 2: was taking the train by myself. I was a little 236 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,880 Speaker 2: like hit when we called them my feeler arm, because 237 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,280 Speaker 2: my balance was so bad, and so just like naturally, 238 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 2: to balance myself out, I would always like pull my 239 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,880 Speaker 2: left arm up, so I looked like half a praying mantis, 240 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 2: and I'd just be like whenever I felt unstable, and 241 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,280 Speaker 2: so I can only imagine I'm taking the train down 242 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 2: by myself going into this publishing company, and then during 243 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,440 Speaker 2: work at the computer with my feeler arm up, and 244 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:21,160 Speaker 2: everyone was just like, oh, Brick does good work. We 245 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 2: just don't talk to her. But so, but while I 246 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:29,320 Speaker 2: was there, one of the other production assistants got accepted 247 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:34,240 Speaker 2: to a grad program in Boston at Emerson College. And 248 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 2: she had been talking about that and I was like, 249 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 2: that sounds good. I want that, I think. And then 250 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:43,200 Speaker 2: I was finishing up my last class I you see 251 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,920 Speaker 2: San Diego before I got my bachelor's, was a feature 252 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 2: writing course, and I talked to the professor in that 253 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 2: course and I just told him the truth. I was like, 254 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,360 Speaker 2: I fell out of the true. I'm severely brain damaged. 255 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:56,960 Speaker 2: I think I want to go to grad school. I 256 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,880 Speaker 2: think I want to do this, and I think that 257 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 2: it's going to help me get health insurance. And I 258 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,480 Speaker 2: think I could do the program and then i'd excel 259 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,760 Speaker 2: in it. And he was like, Okay, I just think 260 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 2: you're way too practical for an MFA, you should apply 261 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,920 Speaker 2: for just the masters. And I was like, perfect, So 262 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 2: I did, and I got into the program and I 263 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 2: got health insurance, and then I moved to Boston and 264 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,560 Speaker 2: did grad school there, and everyone the whole way through 265 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,360 Speaker 2: just kept telling me how amazing it was I was 266 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:27,000 Speaker 2: doing grad school because they were like, people who have 267 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:30,240 Speaker 2: a brain injury as bad as yours end up very stupid. 268 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,120 Speaker 2: And I was like, you don't know what's behind here. 269 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:38,360 Speaker 2: There's nothing, there's like a monkey playing symbols. I'm just 270 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:48,120 Speaker 2: I'm just good at faking it. While I was in 271 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:52,120 Speaker 2: grad school, I got an email from the guy and 272 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 2: he so it was probably two years later, and he 273 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,480 Speaker 2: hit me up and was just he was like, I 274 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,800 Speaker 2: don't know if I'm safe yet, and just like basically 275 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 2: talking about how he was living every day of fear 276 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,600 Speaker 2: that suddenly you would get charges brought against him, uh 277 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,440 Speaker 2: for the and I just kind of I lost my shit, 278 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 2: to put it lightly, because first I reached out to 279 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,000 Speaker 2: my friend, my best friend at the time, and said there. 280 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,680 Speaker 2: I was like, look, he's hitting me up, he seeing 281 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,480 Speaker 2: all this stuff. I don't know what to do. Should 282 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:26,480 Speaker 2: I just block him? And she said, well, because she 283 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:31,480 Speaker 2: she was a she was trained, she was a social worker, 284 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:37,719 Speaker 2: so she was trained in recognizing suicidal ideation, that kind 285 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:42,680 Speaker 2: of stuff. She said, she's displaying factors that make me concerned. 286 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,400 Speaker 2: If I were you ilread to reach out to his mom. 287 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 2: So I did so I messaged his mom on Facebook, 288 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 2: and then that motherfucker emailed me back and said, I 289 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,119 Speaker 2: saw you reached out to my mom on Facebook. She 290 00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,879 Speaker 2: was having issues getting here d her account, so I 291 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,040 Speaker 2: checked it for which I don't know if that's true 292 00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 2: or if he just like tecks people's facebook's all willing ally, 293 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,280 Speaker 2: I don't know, but he was like, that meant so 294 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 2: much to me that you're worried about me, And I 295 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,399 Speaker 2: was like, well, I did that at all. So I 296 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,000 Speaker 2: told told my friend and she was like, wow, that's 297 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,040 Speaker 2: like the worst thing that could have happened in that situation. 298 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,240 Speaker 2: I was like, you know what, don'm taking your advice. 299 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:22,080 Speaker 2: I'm gonna take my own advice, which is I'm gonna 300 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,200 Speaker 2: say very mean thanks him, and I did. I said 301 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,760 Speaker 2: a lot of very mean thanks to him. That was 302 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,480 Speaker 2: finally the end. And then after I said all of 303 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,680 Speaker 2: that mean stuff, then he never contacted me. Again, so 304 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:37,040 Speaker 2: that was good. I would say the hardest part about 305 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:40,160 Speaker 2: living with the disability, living in a traumatic brain injury 306 00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:43,440 Speaker 2: is actually I have a lot of strategies. I have 307 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 2: whiteboards everywhere. I would say that the hardest part is 308 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,560 Speaker 2: other people not giving me grace so or like meeting 309 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:56,680 Speaker 2: me where I am or understanding because for example, very 310 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,480 Speaker 2: soon after my accident, my mom took me on a 311 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,280 Speaker 2: boat and she thought that was a good idea. I 312 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,600 Speaker 2: have vestibular issues and balance issues. I obviously yashed the 313 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,920 Speaker 2: whole time and she was like, wait, you don't look 314 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,800 Speaker 2: in jured. I was like, you saw me in a comat, 315 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:15,280 Speaker 2: like I'm two months ago. I have two yeah whiteboard 316 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 2: calendars over here. I have one that I list like 317 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:20,440 Speaker 2: all my daily stuff that I have to do for 318 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,200 Speaker 2: the month so I can get a snapshot of that. 319 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,440 Speaker 2: And then I have another one that lists like when 320 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,399 Speaker 2: the trash comes and just like recurring stuff that I 321 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,440 Speaker 2: need to know so that I can always reference it 322 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,280 Speaker 2: and like crossjacket with all the stuff that I have 323 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:38,000 Speaker 2: to do. And then I have another white board. So 324 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 2: those are my two big calendar whiteboards. I have a 325 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:45,440 Speaker 2: smaller whiteboard that is more for daily tasks. So if 326 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,440 Speaker 2: I know that I have a couple of meetings today, 327 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,960 Speaker 2: then I'll put it on that one. And then if 328 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:55,280 Speaker 2: I have or like to do items that are not 329 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,960 Speaker 2: for my jobs, that are specific like life to do, 330 00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,720 Speaker 2: like oh I need to mail this thing, it goes 331 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:06,600 Speaker 2: on that whiteboard. Job stuff goes on the first calendar whiteboard. 332 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 2: I have another whiteboard over there that's a big it's 333 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:15,960 Speaker 2: a big white board and it is my when I'm so, 334 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,760 Speaker 2: I read a lot of essays about horror movies and 335 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,639 Speaker 2: just things in general, and I'll pitch stories and I'll 336 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 2: write comedy pieces and that that's what that big white 337 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,600 Speaker 2: word is for. It's so if I'm watching a movie 338 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,439 Speaker 2: and I have an idea, I can just go scrawl 339 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,600 Speaker 2: it on there as messy as I need to, because 340 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,800 Speaker 2: my handwriting is terrible unless I'm like really focusing on it. 341 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 2: That way, I can just like scrawl on there big 342 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,440 Speaker 2: enough print that I can like look over and I 343 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:47,719 Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. And then also I'm a pacer, 344 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:52,080 Speaker 2: so I I normally you can see I'm like crawling 345 00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:54,040 Speaker 2: out of my chair right now as I'm talking through this, 346 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:57,200 Speaker 2: and I'm all animated. So when I'm thinking through things. 347 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,119 Speaker 2: I walk in a circle, big circle, and I go 348 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:03,680 Speaker 2: over to the big whiteboard and right there, right on 349 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,879 Speaker 2: there my ideas. And then I have another whiteboard on 350 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:11,320 Speaker 2: my fridge that's by my front door, and it's one 351 00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:16,000 Speaker 2: of those like magnetized peely off whiteboard things, and I 352 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,280 Speaker 2: put on their pretty much the same reminders that I 353 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,239 Speaker 2: have on the smaller whiteboard that I use over here 354 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,760 Speaker 2: for like daily tasks to do, just to remind me. 355 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,840 Speaker 2: That way, when I leave the house, it's like, are 356 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,159 Speaker 2: you grabbing the mail or are you grabbing that thing 357 00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:33,560 Speaker 2: that you have to drop off at the ups store? 358 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:37,560 Speaker 2: Or don't forget to pick up your pills from the pharmacy, 359 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,640 Speaker 2: although I have to admit recently I've just been telling 360 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,960 Speaker 2: the pharmacy to mail it. I'm like, I can't do 361 00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:55,520 Speaker 2: this anymore, Please just mail the pills. So how my 362 00:21:55,720 --> 00:22:00,720 Speaker 2: accident changed my relationship to my drinking? Oh boy, I'm 363 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:06,040 Speaker 2: usloaded because acutely right away, of course I couldn't drink. 364 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:08,840 Speaker 2: So people ask me all the time if I went 365 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,960 Speaker 2: through withdrawals. I'm like, well, if I did, I don't know. 366 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,520 Speaker 2: I was in a coma. I didn't I don't remember 367 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,080 Speaker 2: having cravings or anything like that while I was in 368 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,960 Speaker 2: the hospital. But also, I feel like when you're hurt 369 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 2: that bad, it's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs. You can't 370 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,400 Speaker 2: have a certain craving when you're you're just down here. 371 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,639 Speaker 2: Here's what you're just making sure that your body is 372 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:37,879 Speaker 2: regulating temperture correctly. That being said a medical social worker. 373 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:41,879 Speaker 2: My mother staged an intervention for me while I was 374 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,280 Speaker 2: still I couldn't get out of bed. It was I'm 375 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,400 Speaker 2: still very fresh. It was when my memory first started sticking. 376 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:52,879 Speaker 2: The medical social worker began with a you do a 377 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,440 Speaker 2: She and my mom came in my in the room 378 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,760 Speaker 2: and she said, hey, Brooke, we wanted to tell you, 379 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,960 Speaker 2: like impress upon you how you're drinking contributed to your situation. 380 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,240 Speaker 2: Of course, I started laughing because of that period of time, 381 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,840 Speaker 2: I was just hanging out of the hospital. Everyone was 382 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,320 Speaker 2: being very nice to me. I was having a great time. 383 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,159 Speaker 2: You know, I wasn't fully fully there, so I just 384 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,919 Speaker 2: started laughing. I was like, this is great. I don't okay, 385 00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:23,280 Speaker 2: it's drinking got me here all right. And my mom was, 386 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:27,160 Speaker 2: you know, she started crying. She was feeling pretty bad 387 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:31,280 Speaker 2: about that reaction, and so the medical social workers said 388 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,879 Speaker 2: to her, show her show broke a picture of her 389 00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:36,760 Speaker 2: that you took of her in the koma. That way 390 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:42,000 Speaker 2: she'll understand. Well, that was a mistake because I had 391 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,960 Speaker 2: that giant blood dread. So when they showed him with 392 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:46,440 Speaker 2: the picture, I started cracking up because I was like, 393 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,560 Speaker 2: because it's like, oh, the somber scene like young woman 394 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:52,600 Speaker 2: in coma, and then it's just like it's almost like 395 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,280 Speaker 2: the camera's panning up and then it gets to the 396 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:56,440 Speaker 2: face and then there's just like a giant blood dread 397 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,040 Speaker 2: sticking out the out of the bag. So I just 398 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:03,399 Speaker 2: started cracking up, and the medical social worker was like, 399 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:07,080 Speaker 2: this is her injury. There's frontal log damage. You know, 400 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,440 Speaker 2: she'll she'll even out, she won't be like this. My 401 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:15,680 Speaker 2: mom was like, this is just how Brooke is. That 402 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 2: intervention obviously didn't go well, and I was released from 403 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,120 Speaker 2: the hospital two weeks later went back down to San Diego. 404 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:32,000 Speaker 2: I was pretty good about not doing anything bad until 405 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:36,440 Speaker 2: until it started coming back to me about the whole 406 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:44,920 Speaker 2: about everything. And then I because again low emotional intelligence. 407 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,600 Speaker 2: I'm not good at communicating my feelings well as you say, 408 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 2: I am now I've gotten a lot better. But at 409 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,199 Speaker 2: that time, I was like, oh, overwhelmed, don't know how 410 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:57,000 Speaker 2: to deal going to bar? What bar? Will They never 411 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,600 Speaker 2: find me at strip club? So I would go to 412 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,879 Speaker 2: the only strip club in North County, San Diego, and 413 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:07,800 Speaker 2: I would hide out and get lap dances and just 414 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:12,600 Speaker 2: drink a bunch of beer, and then eventually someone would 415 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:19,280 Speaker 2: find me or like track me down. For about a 416 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:23,760 Speaker 2: month there, I was sneaking and going to drink getting caught. 417 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:29,040 Speaker 2: Everyone was angry at me, you know, understandably. So I 418 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:33,320 Speaker 2: just I really missed it, and I really missed how 419 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:37,760 Speaker 2: easy it was before. When I was having big feelings. 420 00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:40,159 Speaker 2: As we say about my dog when he throws his elephant, 421 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,720 Speaker 2: but I didn't have an elephant to throw anymore. I 422 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,000 Speaker 2: couldn't drink beer like I used to. So I was 423 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,600 Speaker 2: having all these big feelings and I couldn't. I don't 424 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,680 Speaker 2: know how to work through them, So I'm just hobbling 425 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,680 Speaker 2: to the strip club. I'm like, So I was put 426 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,600 Speaker 2: on an anti depressant. Little did they know. I had 427 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:01,680 Speaker 2: been on anti depressants before and I did need them. 428 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:06,879 Speaker 2: So I just stayed on them. And so when I 429 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:11,240 Speaker 2: went to Boston. I needed a psychiatrist there to fill them. 430 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:17,920 Speaker 2: And during the intake with this psychiatrist, she asked for 431 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,520 Speaker 2: my history and a little context of what and essentially 432 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:26,159 Speaker 2: I told her everything. I just told you, Hey, you 433 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:30,560 Speaker 2: all right now? And she said, wow, that's a lot. 434 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,879 Speaker 2: I have a few more follow up questions. Can you 435 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,320 Speaker 2: come back here at the same time next week? I 436 00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:41,040 Speaker 2: said sure, So I came back in the same time 437 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:43,479 Speaker 2: next week, and I gave her more context, and then 438 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,520 Speaker 2: she asked more about my family, and I talked through 439 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,879 Speaker 2: the problems with my family that I was having and 440 00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:51,719 Speaker 2: different relationships and things like that. She was like, oh, okay, 441 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 2: I need a little more context. Can you come back 442 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,000 Speaker 2: next week's same time. I was like, yeah, sure, So 443 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,720 Speaker 2: I came back next week at the same time and 444 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,359 Speaker 2: I was talking were more with her, and then by 445 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:06,480 Speaker 2: the end of it, she said, do you mind coming 446 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,160 Speaker 2: back at the same time next week because I want 447 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,240 Speaker 2: to hear more about these these days. She like read 448 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:14,800 Speaker 2: a couple of things after Liz, and then I'm a 449 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:16,919 Speaker 2: little slow. I was like, are we just doing therapy? 450 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,159 Speaker 2: Are you tricking me into coming back? And she's like 451 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,119 Speaker 2: She's like yes, And I was like okay, and I 452 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,480 Speaker 2: continue to see her for like two years in person, 453 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:30,040 Speaker 2: and then when the pandemic started, I saw her remotely. 454 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,560 Speaker 2: I actually kept seeing her until so I saw her 455 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:36,240 Speaker 2: for about four or five years, and that's the only 456 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:41,280 Speaker 2: reason I got sober. Doctor Asma Rashid. Yeah, she was amazing. 457 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,359 Speaker 2: She was just like matter of fact. You'd listen to 458 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,080 Speaker 2: what I'd say and then she would just say matter 459 00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:47,480 Speaker 2: of factly back to me. She'd be like, okay, but 460 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,040 Speaker 2: you do realize that you started from this premise that's 461 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,600 Speaker 2: inherently flawed. And I'd be like, damn it, Doctor Rashid 462 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,640 Speaker 2: got me again. But it was great. It was just great. 463 00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:13,159 Speaker 2: So she helped me, like logically work through why I 464 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:18,840 Speaker 2: was drinking and why I felt the need to fall 465 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:22,040 Speaker 2: back into drinking instead of handling things. She's like, how 466 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,800 Speaker 2: I used to always say to arrors, like my professional 467 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,199 Speaker 2: life is great, I'm on point, I do all these 468 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:29,240 Speaker 2: things great, and my personal life is falling apart. I 469 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:30,800 Speaker 2: don't know to handle it. She's like, why don't you 470 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,639 Speaker 2: just treat your personal life like your professional life. Just 471 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,560 Speaker 2: be matter of fact with everyone like you are with 472 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:41,120 Speaker 2: your colleagues and workers. And I was like damn it, 473 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,000 Speaker 2: doctor Rusheid, Why didn't I think of that? And she 474 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:47,240 Speaker 2: was like, but yeah, so that's kind of how my 475 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,720 Speaker 2: true directory with alcohol has gone. Since then, it'll be 476 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:59,479 Speaker 2: ten years this July. I would say since my actions 477 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:06,600 Speaker 2: my accident, my personality hasn't changed much. It has taught 478 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:10,239 Speaker 2: me to be gentler with other people. I've always been 479 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:17,040 Speaker 2: kind of an irrational fellow and my friends how they 480 00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:22,320 Speaker 2: would describe me as a little cantankerous direct which I 481 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:26,000 Speaker 2: don't think that's gone away. But I'm more conscientious of 482 00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,800 Speaker 2: how I say things and how I present thanks to people, 483 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:35,640 Speaker 2: which is a little ironic considering most people will most 484 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:38,560 Speaker 2: medical professionals will tell you the opposite happens with someone 485 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:41,480 Speaker 2: has a traumatic grain injury, that their filter becomes a 486 00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:46,200 Speaker 2: little less. But if anything, it's taught me to pause. 487 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:50,120 Speaker 2: I've learned to let things go too. That was one 488 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:53,400 Speaker 2: thing I had to learn quickly is that when I'm 489 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 2: chasing after the words when I can't remember them, which 490 00:29:57,280 --> 00:30:00,720 Speaker 2: is a phasia. Yeah, ives, I got that's a little 491 00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:02,600 Speaker 2: on that of those, right, I forget the word for aphasia, 492 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:10,320 Speaker 2: But yeah, so aphasia makes it where I'll forget a 493 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:12,760 Speaker 2: word and then when I try to like chase after 494 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:16,480 Speaker 2: it metaphorically speaking, it just almost seems to get farther 495 00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:20,480 Speaker 2: and farther away. So I learned fairly quickly that it 496 00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:24,080 Speaker 2: made more sense to just find another word, to just 497 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:27,840 Speaker 2: let it go. So I've become very gifted in the 498 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:31,080 Speaker 2: art of letting go. If I can't remember something, I 499 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:45,840 Speaker 2: just let it go. On the whole, I would say 500 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:53,760 Speaker 2: I've become less impulsive. Mindfulness is a buzzword, but I 501 00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:56,680 Speaker 2: believe that I've become more mindful in the sense that 502 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,960 Speaker 2: I think about things more before I do them. Before 503 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:01,600 Speaker 2: or I would always be like, yeah, that makes sense, 504 00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,200 Speaker 2: and then I would go do it, but I wouldn't 505 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:06,600 Speaker 2: really think of the full repercussions. I know. That's the 506 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,240 Speaker 2: thing they always say to alcoholics too, like play the 507 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:11,360 Speaker 2: tape through, play the tape through. What app is after 508 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:18,000 Speaker 2: you do this thing. I don't regret falling out of 509 00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:20,080 Speaker 2: the tree, and I don't regret the brain damage or 510 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:24,280 Speaker 2: anything like that. I wouldn't have got sober otherwise, if 511 00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:29,360 Speaker 2: I'm being honest. All of my friend's parents, including my 512 00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:31,760 Speaker 2: and my mom, all said to me that they didn't 513 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:35,000 Speaker 2: think i'd live until age thirty. So when the accident happened, 514 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:38,320 Speaker 2: they all were just like, wait, this is not a 515 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:40,360 Speaker 2: surprise to us. We saw this coming, or we're just 516 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:44,080 Speaker 2: surprised that you survived. And I was like, well, you know, 517 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:50,280 Speaker 2: I'm happy, and now, well, I guess I should say 518 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:54,120 Speaker 2: I get happy now because what I've realized before, and 519 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,600 Speaker 2: what I realized about myself before, especially when I was 520 00:31:57,160 --> 00:32:00,440 Speaker 2: deep in my alcoholism and depression and all of that, 521 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,480 Speaker 2: is that I never really had those high highs, which 522 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:06,560 Speaker 2: is why I drank a lot of why did the 523 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:09,240 Speaker 2: extreme things I did, which is why I climbed trees. 524 00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:10,840 Speaker 2: I used to get on of fights too. I used 525 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:15,040 Speaker 2: to be a regular punk, a regular run of the 526 00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:18,480 Speaker 2: mill punk. But but that's why I did all of that, 527 00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:26,360 Speaker 2: because I never had those highs. So since my accident 528 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:30,000 Speaker 2: and since I've gone to therapy and I've retrained myself 529 00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:33,560 Speaker 2: to be a human being, I realize now I'm not 530 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:35,480 Speaker 2: happy all the time, but you're not supposed to be 531 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:37,720 Speaker 2: happy all of the time. But I do get happy. 532 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:41,920 Speaker 2: And I for example, when I was I just got 533 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 2: back from seeing with a friend in San Francisco, and 534 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,120 Speaker 2: when I come to the bed at night, I was 535 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:50,440 Speaker 2: like Okay, I have to do my stories before I 536 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:52,800 Speaker 2: go to sleep, and she's like, your stories, what's your stories? 537 00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:56,320 Speaker 2: I was like, I watched the cute animal videos and 538 00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:58,480 Speaker 2: I do that. That's what I do before I go 539 00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:02,240 Speaker 2: to bed. As I get girl and I swipe through 540 00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:05,880 Speaker 2: the little like there was a story of like a 541 00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:09,760 Speaker 2: little rodent trying to like grasp nuts from a guy 542 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,680 Speaker 2: who's juggling, and I just like laughed and I laughed 543 00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:16,760 Speaker 2: and I was so happy. So I'm able to take 544 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:20,480 Speaker 2: pleasure in like the smaller moments, which goes back to 545 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:23,360 Speaker 2: what I was saying before about that that mindfulness aspect 546 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 2: that I'm I can slow down and I can be like, 547 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:31,360 Speaker 2: I'm here right now and this is good. I'm no, 548 00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:35,600 Speaker 2: I'm me because my little dog knows me, and that's 549 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:36,240 Speaker 2: enough for me. 550 00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:06,320 Speaker 1: Welcome back. This is a live again joining me in 551 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,719 Speaker 1: the studio to talk about today's story. I have two 552 00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:12,320 Speaker 1: of our story producers, Nicholas Dakowski and Lauren Vogelam, and 553 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:16,400 Speaker 1: I'm your host Dan Bush. I thought the most wonderful 554 00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:18,640 Speaker 1: thing to me that struck me about the story was 555 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:25,359 Speaker 1: she went from bar fights to watching animal videos. Oh yeah, yeah, 556 00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:29,040 Speaker 1: I just love that it's like, Okay. 557 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:31,680 Speaker 5: I'm not getting you know, I'm not getting the high highs, 558 00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:35,000 Speaker 5: and so I've become so the alcoholism is born out 559 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:36,400 Speaker 5: of wanting to get these high highs. 560 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:40,000 Speaker 6: And now she's but you can just take a tiny 561 00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:42,400 Speaker 6: little drop of serotonin and do you can get that 562 00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:43,280 Speaker 6: from a duck video? 563 00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:44,239 Speaker 2: Ducks are so. 564 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:49,960 Speaker 7: Cute on video as somebody who is also sort of 565 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:53,040 Speaker 7: I mean, I've stopped drinking. I don't drink anymore. I 566 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:59,360 Speaker 7: definitely recognize what the moment was that made me realize 567 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,640 Speaker 7: I had to quit. And it was a lot more 568 00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:11,120 Speaker 7: subtle than falling and like getting a brain injury, but 569 00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:12,800 Speaker 7: it was, you know, and I'm not going to go 570 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:16,360 Speaker 7: into it. It's weird and personal, but like that moment 571 00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:21,600 Speaker 7: of clarity that this terrifying thing has actually saved my life. 572 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:24,880 Speaker 7: It's messes with your brain. I mean messes with your 573 00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:27,640 Speaker 7: head a lot, you know, thinking about this, and in 574 00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:33,880 Speaker 7: recovery from injury as well as recovery from alcoholism or 575 00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 7: or addiction, it's a it's a it's a matter of 576 00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:41,319 Speaker 7: putting systems in place to keep yourself accountable, to keep 577 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:45,440 Speaker 7: track of where you are too, to be able to 578 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,880 Speaker 7: kind of move forward every day. And I really you know, 579 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:53,160 Speaker 7: Brooke talked a lot about her systems, the systems she 580 00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:59,760 Speaker 7: creates place. Yeah, her whiteboards. She has invented a structure 581 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:02,600 Speaker 7: for her life out of whole cloth that wasn't there 582 00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:06,520 Speaker 7: before the injury. This injury caused her to create systems 583 00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:10,640 Speaker 7: in her life which are life sustaining. The fact that 584 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:13,880 Speaker 7: she was able to put systems in place, build systems 585 00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:18,759 Speaker 7: that you never had before, and that this injury made 586 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,200 Speaker 7: it absolutely necessary. 587 00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:23,040 Speaker 5: Also, the idea of play the tape through, Oh, play 588 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,520 Speaker 5: that was fat like a still battle with this. Sometimes 589 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,800 Speaker 5: it's gotten much like I will nine times out of 590 00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:33,840 Speaker 5: ten instead of choosing the fuck it right, why not? 591 00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:38,080 Speaker 5: Fuck yeah, I'll go Well, I want tomorrow morning to 592 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:40,400 Speaker 5: be pretty awesome. I want some dopamine in the morning. 593 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:41,239 Speaker 2: Yeah. 594 00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:43,640 Speaker 5: Oh, I want some sun I want some sunshine. I 595 00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:45,600 Speaker 5: don't want to pull down the curtain. So like that 596 00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:48,920 Speaker 5: decision of going play the tape through was really a 597 00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:50,040 Speaker 5: cool way to put that. 598 00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:54,439 Speaker 7: And yeah, and that's like that's big in recovery. That's 599 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:57,920 Speaker 7: that's big with addicts. It's like, think about how you're 600 00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,840 Speaker 7: going to feel later, think about how what affects this 601 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,759 Speaker 7: will have in your like large effects as will have 602 00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:05,880 Speaker 7: in your life. And I will admit that, like especially 603 00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:11,360 Speaker 7: really recently, Like I thought after a few years that 604 00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:15,879 Speaker 7: like the itch would like go away, and it largely had. 605 00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:20,080 Speaker 7: But I've definitely found myself more in recent days because 606 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:23,360 Speaker 7: of just the stress of the world, because of what's happening, 607 00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:27,600 Speaker 7: really struggling more against it and having to rely on 608 00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:30,520 Speaker 7: playing the tape forward to not drink. 609 00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:32,759 Speaker 5: It is a really effective too. I didn't know that 610 00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:34,560 Speaker 5: was doing it, but I've been Yeah. 611 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:37,360 Speaker 7: It's thinking about the consequences of your actions. 612 00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:40,239 Speaker 5: Yeah, and like I can pay for it later, I 613 00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:42,680 Speaker 5: can pay for it now, you know, and I can 614 00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:44,279 Speaker 5: make you gotta make a sacrifice on either side of 615 00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:46,040 Speaker 5: that gambit absolutely well. 616 00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:48,680 Speaker 7: And on top of that too, doing that helps you 617 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:53,200 Speaker 7: build more self awareness too, I think because you are 618 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:57,000 Speaker 7: like having to think through what your actions will do 619 00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:00,840 Speaker 7: and what your actions the fact it has not just 620 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:04,520 Speaker 7: on yourself but on the world. Me not drinking means 621 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:07,160 Speaker 7: that I'm more present for my daughter. That means that 622 00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:11,600 Speaker 7: my daughter is going to be It's going to feel 623 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:14,120 Speaker 7: more loved, it's going to feel more secure in our connection. 624 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:15,799 Speaker 7: So I don't drink. 625 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:20,280 Speaker 5: It's also I will say it's with the drinking in particular, 626 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:23,160 Speaker 5: but it is a slippery slope. Like you know, when 627 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:25,200 Speaker 5: I was it took me the first couple of years 628 00:38:25,239 --> 00:38:28,120 Speaker 5: of having the kids around of like, oh, it's you know, 629 00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:30,359 Speaker 5: it's been a hard day. I've been I've been working 630 00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:32,959 Speaker 5: all day, busting my ass. I've also been raising these kids. 631 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:35,239 Speaker 5: You know, I'm dealing with all of their stuff, and 632 00:38:36,239 --> 00:38:37,560 Speaker 5: you know, you're worn out, and so you're like, oh, 633 00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:40,640 Speaker 5: let me make a drink, and you know, you get 634 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:42,719 Speaker 5: to wear two of those, three of those at night, 635 00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,480 Speaker 5: and eventually I'm not wanting to read to the kids anymore. 636 00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:47,440 Speaker 5: I don't have any energy. And my dovna meine just 637 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:49,759 Speaker 5: got blasted from the first drink, and I'm trying to 638 00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:51,400 Speaker 5: get back with the others and it's not working and 639 00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:54,239 Speaker 5: it's going downhill, and I just to catch yourself and go. 640 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:57,480 Speaker 5: I want to read. I want to have the drive 641 00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:00,480 Speaker 5: and the energy and the focus to read a bedtime 642 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:02,399 Speaker 5: story to my kids. And the only thing that's keeping 643 00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:05,200 Speaker 5: me from doing that it's not because I'm exhausted. It's 644 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:05,960 Speaker 5: because I'm drinking. 645 00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:10,719 Speaker 7: Brooke is fucking fantastic, She's incredibly funny about all of 646 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:16,520 Speaker 7: this stuff, and yeah, you can. I definitely felt a 647 00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:17,960 Speaker 7: kinship with Brooke. 648 00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:21,440 Speaker 6: Yeah, and I guess kind of along those lines, and 649 00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:25,920 Speaker 6: also still talking about alcohol misuser or whatever kind of 650 00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:29,680 Speaker 6: drug misuse anyone might be going through. One thing that 651 00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:32,480 Speaker 6: struck me about the way that she talked about her 652 00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:36,880 Speaker 6: former self was that And maybe maybe I'm projecting or something, 653 00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:40,040 Speaker 6: but like she sounded angry at her former self. She 654 00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:43,279 Speaker 6: sounded dismissive, and she's allowed. 655 00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:43,400 Speaker 2: To feel that. 656 00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:45,520 Speaker 6: You know, you're allowed to feel however you feel about 657 00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:48,200 Speaker 6: how you were and your mistakes and how you've moved on. 658 00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:52,160 Speaker 6: But you always hope with any kind of recovery that 659 00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:54,440 Speaker 6: the part of the process is going to be opening 660 00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:57,920 Speaker 6: yourself up to grace and learning how to forgive yourself 661 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:01,120 Speaker 6: and be you know, just okay with it. Be like, yeah, 662 00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:04,879 Speaker 6: that idiot was fine, but yeah it's all right, this idiot. 663 00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:06,120 Speaker 5: Is way better. It's like the one of the biggest 664 00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:09,279 Speaker 5: ingredients that's lacking in the normal day to day these days, 665 00:40:09,719 --> 00:40:13,120 Speaker 5: people are lacking grace for themselves but also just for 666 00:40:13,239 --> 00:40:16,080 Speaker 5: one another. Yeah, they don't. I don't know. 667 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:20,359 Speaker 6: And Brooke was talking about that, right, talking about how 668 00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:24,320 Speaker 6: it's an invisible injury. Yeah, and how you don't always 669 00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:26,680 Speaker 6: you know, you just right, you don't know what someone 670 00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:27,399 Speaker 6: is going through. 671 00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:30,880 Speaker 5: And I had a friend that used to say, everybody 672 00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:34,480 Speaker 5: knows something about something you don't know nothing about. Everybody 673 00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,799 Speaker 5: knows something about something that you don't know nothing about. 674 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:40,319 Speaker 6: True, that's accurate, that is scientifically proven, And. 675 00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:42,560 Speaker 5: It's so easy to just reduce everyone to go dumbass 676 00:40:42,719 --> 00:40:44,919 Speaker 5: or whatever. And it's like, yeah, that guy's probably dealt 677 00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:50,800 Speaker 5: with something that you've never dealt with. Next week, the 678 00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,000 Speaker 5: story of Drew Cyber. A fall in the middle of 679 00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:55,279 Speaker 5: the night broke his neck and should have killed him. 680 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,680 Speaker 5: Rushed to the hospital, he was told he would never 681 00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:01,320 Speaker 5: walk again, but he surpassed his doctors expectations and completely 682 00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:02,359 Speaker 5: transformed his life. 683 00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:06,680 Speaker 3: I was working fifty hours a week or more. I 684 00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:10,040 Speaker 3: was starting to get high blood pressure and maybe I 685 00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:12,000 Speaker 3: was on my way to a heart attack or a stroke. 686 00:41:12,280 --> 00:41:15,879 Speaker 3: Perhaps the spinal cord injury maybe has saved my life. 687 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:23,319 Speaker 1: Our story producers are Dan Bush, Kate Sweeney, Brent die 688 00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:28,360 Speaker 1: Nicholas Dakoski, and Lauren Vogelbaan. Music by Ben Lovett additional 689 00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:32,480 Speaker 1: music by Alexander Rodriguez. Our executive producers are Matthew Frederick 690 00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:35,720 Speaker 1: and Trevor Young. Special thanks to Alexander Williams for additional 691 00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:40,600 Speaker 1: production support. Our studio engineers are Rima Elkli and Nomes Griffin. 692 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:45,560 Speaker 1: Today's episode was edited by Mike w Anderson, mixing by 693 00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:49,080 Speaker 1: Ben Lovett and Alexander Rodriguez. I'm your host Dan Bush. 694 00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:52,320 Speaker 1: The special thanks to Brooke Nisley for sharing her compelling 695 00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:55,600 Speaker 1: story with us. Brook is a talented freelance writer specializing 696 00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:59,080 Speaker 1: in humor, personal essays, and reporting on disability, mental health, 697 00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:02,000 Speaker 1: and culture. To read more of Brooks insightful and engaging word, 698 00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:05,000 Speaker 1: visit our website at Brookneisley dot com. B r O 699 00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,239 Speaker 1: O k e k n I s l e y 700 00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:11,480 Speaker 1: dot com. Alive Again is a production of i RT 701 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:15,319 Speaker 1: Radio and Psychopia Pictures. If you have a transformative near 702 00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:17,840 Speaker 1: death experience to share, we'd love to hear your story. 703 00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:22,839 Speaker 1: Please email us at Alive Again Project at gmail dot com. 704 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:26,440 Speaker 1: That's a l I v e A g A I 705 00:42:26,719 --> 00:42:30,680 Speaker 1: N P R O j e c t at gmail 706 00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:31,120 Speaker 1: dot com.