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Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that finally secured a big name

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Speaker 1: celeb to endorse his prophylactic company, Nick Cannon's Colossal Condoms.

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Speaker 2: They were almost forty of the time. I don't think

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Speaker 2: that that's good endorsement.

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Speaker 1: Good luck with Laser Stories, the segment where we read

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Speaker 1: weird news stories around the globe, just like everyone else does,

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Speaker 1: except we've got a.

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Speaker 2: Laser and those other whoopsie babies.

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Speaker 1: Just don't this first Laser Stories out of Massachusetts. If

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Speaker 1: you think that soap opera storylines are too sensational to

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Speaker 1: happen in real life, yeah, well you don't know enough

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Speaker 1: people who watch those shows. And I say that because

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Speaker 1: a sixty four year old grandmother named rock sand Ducet

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Speaker 1: was in love with soap opera star Thorston K of

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Speaker 1: The Bold and the Beautiful Love Love.

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Speaker 2: I don't care who knows it.

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Speaker 1: I give it. Some scammer was texting Roxanne pretending to

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Speaker 1: be Thorston, and of course she believed it was real.

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Speaker 1: One message from fake Thorston said, I need you so

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Speaker 1: much you have to get rid of your husband, honey.

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Speaker 2: So they're actually just using the script from one of

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Speaker 2: the Bold.

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Speaker 1: Roxanne replied, saying I need to do some thinking on that,

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Speaker 1: and that's when she hatched a plan. She told fake

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Speaker 1: Thorston that she makes an amazing soup, a special potion

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Speaker 1: if you will, and when he gets home, her husband

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Speaker 1: will be hungry. A few hours later, she wrote, quote,

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Speaker 1: hubby got back not feeling well.

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Speaker 2: I can collect life insurance. Why you write a text

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Speaker 2: message to know that the plan is a foot?

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Speaker 1: And Roxanne's husband actually did have some kind of medical

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Speaker 1: event and she was the one who called nine to

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Speaker 1: one one. Yeah, but he has since recovered and will

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Speaker 1: be just fine.

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Speaker 2: When is she gonna find out? It's not Thorston, it's

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Speaker 2: his evil twin and it was texting with her.

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Speaker 1: Well, didn't take long for the police to zero in

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Speaker 1: on ro Sand and she's been charged with attempted murder,

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Speaker 1: along with resisting arrest and assault on a cop. As

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Speaker 1: for the fake scammer, he hasn't been found and the

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Speaker 1: real Thorston k has yet to comment. I just realized

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Speaker 1: that's probably why we have the text messages, because she

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Speaker 1: got arrested.

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Speaker 2: You just realized that. I was like, are they going

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Speaker 2: to catch her?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: I still don't know who did it.

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Speaker 1: Obviously, this next lay is the stories out of Miami's. Recently,

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Speaker 1: there was some speculation online that there were large gray

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Speaker 1: aliens walking around a mall in Florida. I love it.

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Speaker 1: And then just the other day there were some more

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Speaker 1: spotted in the hills of Brazil.

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Speaker 2: Just Alexis without her fake tanner OVERLOOKI I'll tank.

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Speaker 1: And while this might scare some people, one city in

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Speaker 1: the US is trying to get their attention and say, hey,

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Speaker 1: come over here, visit us you because Lexington, Kentucky, has

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Speaker 1: officially launched the first ever interstellar travel advertisement.

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Speaker 2: I'm actually being serious.

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Speaker 1: A group of Kentucky scientists, linguists, and scholars all got

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Speaker 1: together to figure out how best to advertise to other planets,

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Speaker 1: and they came up with the idea of beaming a

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Speaker 1: message with a trapezoid laser into a neighboring solar system

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Speaker 1: that's a mirror forty light years away from Earth.

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Speaker 2: Okay, Oh ok so now we're putting commercials out there.

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Speaker 1: Well, the reason that they're going there first is because

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Speaker 1: scientists believe there's a very good chance that there is

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Speaker 1: life in that particular solar system.

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Speaker 2: Oh okay, so what's in the message?

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Speaker 1: Ye? First, they included map images of Kentucky's green rolling hills.

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Speaker 1: They can see that the open space would be perfect

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Speaker 1: for landing a giant spacecraft.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah.

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Speaker 1: They also included some prime numbers aliens love prime numbers,

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Speaker 1: and audio recording of blues music and the molecular structure

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Speaker 1: for water, bourbon and dopamine.

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Speaker 2: Because, as they say, Lexington's fun. It's really funny. Alexis

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Speaker 2: is a your mom on like the tourism board for

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Speaker 2: a city. Oh yeah, she is, So I need to

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Speaker 2: tell her to start reaching out to.

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Speaker 1: The brigade the whole untapped market out there. According to calculations,

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Speaker 1: the ADS should reach its target demo in the year

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Speaker 1: twenty sixty three.

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Speaker 2: Ah, it's not too far away.

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Speaker 1: If the message works, extraterrestrials should hop in their spaceships

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Speaker 1: for a short two hundred and thirty five trillion mile

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Speaker 1: road trip over to Earth.

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Speaker 2: But they're in Miami. They can't just take a train

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Speaker 2: or something.

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Speaker 1: We want more.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, get all their friends to cross that stuff is

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Speaker 2: not bad.

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Speaker 1: This next story is out of Say It eight, So

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Speaker 1: Joe HQ, it's time for twenty twenty four's first nostalgia death.

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Speaker 1: Something that ceases to exist even though virtually nobody knew

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Speaker 1: was still existed in the first place.

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Speaker 2: Wait, you mean like the soap operas we started with.

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Speaker 2: Is that what you're talking about?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, something that went away that you didn't even realize

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Speaker 1: was still around. Okay, because the makers of fruit striped

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Speaker 1: gum just announced it's been discontinued after an incredible fifty

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Speaker 1: five year ride. That zebra gum.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, the best gum in the world for five seconds.

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Speaker 1: Fifty five years is a pretty long time for a

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Speaker 1: gum with a flavor that didn't last more than twenty

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Speaker 1: five seconds. Yeah, seriously, if the name rings a bell,

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Speaker 1: this was the gum with that zebra mascot on it.

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Speaker 2: Here's a photo of it.

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Speaker 1: It has zebra striped bright colors on the actual gum pieces.

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Speaker 1: Just seeing a picture is bringing back so many strong,

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Speaker 1: like junior high memories of that stuff. And the rappers

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Speaker 1: had printed temporary twa that's nice. It was launched back

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Speaker 1: in nineteen sixty nine and it came in five flavors,

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Speaker 1: wet and wild melon, cherry, lemon, orange, and peach.

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Speaker 2: Also wet and wild melon just got him canceled. There

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Speaker 2: was also briefly a chocolate flavor back in the late

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Speaker 2: seven years chocolate gum. Nobody asked for that.

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Speaker 1: As usual, when stuff like this happened, some opportunists ran

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Speaker 1: out to buy the remaining stocks so they could sell

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Speaker 1: it on eBay for crazy prices.

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Speaker 2: I always loved that suddenly people want it again. If

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Speaker 2: you wanted it before, it wouldn't have gone away only

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Speaker 2: because it's gone.

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Speaker 1: But fun fact, the zebra mascot's name was Yipes, and

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Speaker 1: there was an ad slogan proclaiming Yipes stripes.

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Speaker 2: That was actually used as a clue on Jeopardy once.

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Speaker 1: And that makes me think about the time our own

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Speaker 1: little Green Guy had a sponsorship for an autobody place.

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Speaker 2: Oh really remember the tagline that he had humpers bumpers

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Speaker 2: business just kept rolling in. That's how I means the

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Speaker 2: Laser Stories has come to an end for the day.

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Speaker 2: We'll do it again the same time on Monday, Brooke

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Speaker 2: and Jeffrey in the morning