WEBVTT - Does Closure Really Exist? 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:06.440 Welcome to brain Stuff production of I Heart Radio. Hey 0:00:06.440 --> 0:00:11.160 brain Stuff, Lauren Vogelbaum. Here, after a tragic loss or 0:00:11.160 --> 0:00:14.040 a traumatic breakup, we would all like to believe that 0:00:14.080 --> 0:00:16.720 there's a way to turn off the pain switch and 0:00:16.760 --> 0:00:20.440 get back to a normal life. So when well meaning 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:23.600 friends and families say you just need to find some closure, 0:00:23.920 --> 0:00:27.360 we think maybe that's the answer. Once we achieve this 0:00:27.600 --> 0:00:31.040 mythical state of closure, we hope the pain will disappear 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:35.559 and the bad memories will be wiped clean. The problem, 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:39.280 psychologists say, is the closure, at least as we understand 0:00:39.320 --> 0:00:43.760 it in popular culture, doesn't really exist. By searching for 0:00:43.920 --> 0:00:47.519 permanent closure to our emotional pain, they say, we're closing 0:00:47.520 --> 0:00:53.040 ourselves off to healthier ways of processing difficult experiences. The 0:00:53.120 --> 0:00:57.440 concept of closure comes from gestalt psychology. Gastalt began as 0:00:57.440 --> 0:01:00.320 a way of understanding how the mind proceeds, eaves, and 0:01:00.480 --> 0:01:04.600 processes images, and one of the principles of gestalt perception 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:08.640 is that the mind seeks closure. For example, if an 0:01:08.680 --> 0:01:12.319 image of a circle is incomplete, the mind still perceives 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:16.800 it as a whole circle. Over time, this principle crossed 0:01:16.800 --> 0:01:20.920 over to the processing of life experiences. If you suffered 0:01:20.959 --> 0:01:24.560 an unresolved trauma in the past, Gestalt taught then you 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:27.080 were unable to fully move on until the issue was 0:01:27.280 --> 0:01:31.479 closed in some way. This led to therapeutic techniques like 0:01:31.600 --> 0:01:35.000 the empty chair, in which participants would imagine the source 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:38.640 of their unfinished business, say an abuse of parent or 0:01:38.640 --> 0:01:42.839 a deceased lover, sitting in the chair and speaking to them. 0:01:43.040 --> 0:01:47.040 While empty chair therapy often provided a short term emotional release, 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:52.240 it didn't free the subjects from long term pain. Despite 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:56.560 the questionable efficacy of gestalt therapy, the belief the closure 0:01:56.640 --> 0:02:00.640 is a panacea for emotional pain became deep embedded in 0:02:00.680 --> 0:02:04.360 American pop psychology. It's a favorite of the news media, 0:02:04.520 --> 0:02:07.640 where the families of murder victims or people affected by 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:12.200 terrorist attacks are always looking for closure, and it's a 0:02:12.240 --> 0:02:15.600 cliche of daytime talk shows when a jilted lover is 0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:18.160 brought on stage to confront their lousy x so they 0:02:18.160 --> 0:02:23.200 can finally get some closure. But we spoke with psychotherapist 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:28.080 Ashley Davis Bush, author of Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss, 0:02:28.960 --> 0:02:32.400 and she says that unfortunately, the kind of closure peddled 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:36.280 by pop psychology isn't really achievable, nor should it be. 0:02:37.360 --> 0:02:41.600 Bush said, Americans like happy endings were a feel good society. 0:02:41.720 --> 0:02:44.760 We like clean cut things. We want to believe there's 0:02:44.760 --> 0:02:48.080 an end to pain. In reality, it's not that the 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:52.840 pain ends, but it changes over time. When Bush sees 0:02:52.880 --> 0:02:56.359 clients who are grieving a lost spouse or close family member, 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:59.919 she doesn't talk about achieving closure, which to her, is 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:03.280 the equivalent of trying to close the door on honest, 0:03:03.400 --> 0:03:08.280 if sometimes painful emotions. Instead, she uses terms like healing 0:03:08.440 --> 0:03:12.480 and growth and helps surviving spouses learn how to live 0:03:12.520 --> 0:03:15.760 with loss or how to carry the precious memory of 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:19.600 the loved one with them in positive ways. Bush said, 0:03:19.919 --> 0:03:23.119 I also call it living with the love, really allowing 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:26.840 the memories of that person to fortify you, recognizing that 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:29.519 you're a different person because you loved them, that they're 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:32.800 still with you in certain essential ways, and not being 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:38.000 afraid to honor that relationship. Honoring a relationship with the 0:03:38.040 --> 0:03:41.640 deceased spouse doesn't mean that the widow or widower is 0:03:41.800 --> 0:03:44.360 stuck in the past or will be unable to form 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:48.400 new relationships. In fact, it's often the opposite. By not 0:03:48.680 --> 0:03:52.120 tempting to blunt or shut down their honest feelings, they 0:03:52.160 --> 0:03:57.520 remain emotionally alive. Bush has clients who, after passing through 0:03:57.560 --> 0:04:00.520 a period of intense grief, have fallen in love again 0:04:00.680 --> 0:04:04.400 and even remarried without sacrificing deep feelings of loyalty to 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:09.760 their first spouse. But what about divorces and bad breakups? 0:04:10.280 --> 0:04:12.920 Is it still a bad idea to seek closure if 0:04:12.920 --> 0:04:15.480 you're having a hard time moving on from a painful 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:19.440 end to a long term relationship. Bush said, that's a 0:04:19.440 --> 0:04:22.719 different situation. I do think that closure is more relevant 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:25.719 when you have the end of a relationship. There really 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:29.160 are elements of closure, whether it's signing the divorce papers 0:04:29.279 --> 0:04:32.039 or moving out of the apartment you shared. There's a 0:04:32.080 --> 0:04:35.120 more specific kind of closure that we think is achievable. 0:04:36.640 --> 0:04:39.560 Yet at the same time, we are always affected by 0:04:39.560 --> 0:04:43.120 our past relationships and will carry those experiences with us. 0:04:43.800 --> 0:04:46.279 Bush says, we still need to learn how to honor 0:04:46.320 --> 0:04:49.440 the relationship and gather wisdom from it, even if it 0:04:49.520 --> 0:04:52.640 didn't end the way that we imagined it would. The question, 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:55.400 she says, is whether the emotional baggage we take away 0:04:55.400 --> 0:05:00.240 from the relationship will be heavy or light. One way 0:05:00.279 --> 0:05:03.279 to lighten our emotional baggage. Research has shown is to 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:07.840 write about the breakup. Specifically, researchers asked a hundred people 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:11.159 who had recently experienced a breakup to journal for thirty 0:05:11.200 --> 0:05:14.400 minutes a day for three consecutive days. A portion of 0:05:14.440 --> 0:05:18.120 participants were told to write exclusively about positive aspects of 0:05:18.160 --> 0:05:21.799 the breakup and how they'd grown because of it. After 0:05:21.839 --> 0:05:25.440 the writing exercise, this group reported no increase in negative 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:32.400 emotions and a boost of positive outcomes, including comfort, confidence, empowerment, optimism, thankfulness, 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:40.240 and wisdom. Today's episode was written by Dave Ruse and 0:05:40.279 --> 0:05:42.640 produced by Tyler Klang. For more in this and lots 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:45.520 of other curious topics, visit how stuff works dot com. 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:48.480 Brain Stuff is production of iHeart Radio. Or more podcasts 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:51.520 to my heart Radio visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, 0:05:51.600 --> 0:05:53.320 or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.