WEBVTT - Visiting My Dad in Prison 0:00:09.880 --> 0:00:13.399 Hi, guys, welcome to my podcast, Cheeky's and Chill. I 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:15.520 hope that you're having a beautiful day and you have 0:00:15.560 --> 0:00:19.480 a wonderful week or weekend. Hi am going to take 0:00:19.480 --> 0:00:24.439 a deep breath because today I'm going to talk about 0:00:25.200 --> 0:00:30.200 something that I mentioned earlier on in the season. It's 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:32.880 a personal one. This is what I love about my podcast. 0:00:33.080 --> 0:00:35.839 You guys give me the opportunity to speak to you 0:00:37.159 --> 0:00:40.360 and share my deepest thoughts and feelings, and that's what 0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:45.240 I'm going to do today. So again, earlier this season, 0:00:45.600 --> 0:00:48.280 I mentioned that I was going to file paperwork to 0:00:48.280 --> 0:00:52.559 go see my dad and it was accepted and I 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:55.600 did go see him. So I'm going to tell you 0:00:55.680 --> 0:01:03.800 all about that. So take a deep breath with me. Okay. 0:01:05.360 --> 0:01:07.479 I don't know if you guys have watched chiki sinfintro. 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:12.959 It is my docu follow and they did follow me 0:01:13.000 --> 0:01:15.920 to go see my dad. Didn't talk much about the 0:01:15.920 --> 0:01:20.200 details there, just that I went to go see him. 0:01:20.240 --> 0:01:22.600 They weren't able to go in with me the cameras. 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:27.080 So this is my space and my time and my 0:01:27.120 --> 0:01:31.000 opportunity to explain to you exactly what happened and what 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:35.560 we talked about and how it went. First of all, 0:01:35.600 --> 0:01:38.160 I decided to go see him because it's something that 0:01:38.200 --> 0:01:39.880 had been in my heart for a while. For a 0:01:39.880 --> 0:01:43.280 long time, I didn't want to, and in all fairness 0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:48.840 and honesty, he didn't want to see me either. So 0:01:49.720 --> 0:01:53.840 then time passed by. Time went by, and my sister 0:01:53.960 --> 0:01:56.040 Jackie has been the one that has gone to go 0:01:56.080 --> 0:01:57.960 see him, and you know, she's gotten a lot of 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:00.640 heat for it, and I don't necessary really agree with 0:02:00.680 --> 0:02:04.560 it because people say that, Okay, how can you do 0:02:04.600 --> 0:02:06.600 that to your sister Jackie? Like she went through this, 0:02:06.720 --> 0:02:10.560 She went through that like I feel like, First of all, 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:12.600 she asked me, and I said, yes, sister, thank you 0:02:12.639 --> 0:02:14.560 for asking me. You don't have to because that's still 0:02:14.560 --> 0:02:16.760 your dad, that's still a relationship that you had and 0:02:16.960 --> 0:02:19.320 things that you need to heal. But I do appreciate 0:02:19.360 --> 0:02:22.280 you asking me. So she did ask me. I gave 0:02:22.320 --> 0:02:24.640 her my blessing. I gave her the green light, and 0:02:24.760 --> 0:02:28.600 she started like a friendship with him. Anyways, So why 0:02:28.720 --> 0:02:34.760 I decided to go see him, because for I mean, 0:02:34.800 --> 0:02:36.760 I forgave my dad a long time ago. I forget 0:02:36.960 --> 0:02:39.280 I forgave him. He never asked for forgiveness. I just 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:42.600 that's something that I learned in church and through my mother, 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:45.600 and I saw how she forgave, and I just that's 0:02:45.639 --> 0:02:48.000 who I am, you know, at my core, and I 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:51.240 forgave him because I didn't want to hold onto that 0:02:51.320 --> 0:02:54.040 and like carry that weight around with me for the 0:02:54.080 --> 0:02:56.240 rest of my life. I always tell you guys that 0:02:56.280 --> 0:02:59.400 forgiveness is not for the other person, but for yourself. 0:03:00.240 --> 0:03:04.240 So I kind of put that to the side for 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:06.640 a long time. What happened with my dad the sexual abuse. 0:03:07.520 --> 0:03:09.000 For those of you that may not know, I was 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:12.040 sexually abused by my father when I was young. And 0:03:12.440 --> 0:03:15.760 he's now in jail thirty five years, no chance of 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:20.240 parole or thirty years, thirty thirty years. Anyways, the point 0:03:20.280 --> 0:03:23.200 is he's been in there for seventeen So for a 0:03:23.240 --> 0:03:25.400 long time I was kind of like, Okay, I have 0:03:25.440 --> 0:03:28.160 no dad, you know, it's just my mom, my siblings 0:03:28.200 --> 0:03:30.919 and I and that's it. And then my mom passed 0:03:30.919 --> 0:03:33.000 away and he felt really bad, so he tried to 0:03:33.000 --> 0:03:35.960 come around and talk to us, and I wasn't ready. 0:03:36.000 --> 0:03:37.960 I was like, why now, why because my mom's not here. 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:39.400 But in his defense, he was like, you know what 0:03:39.440 --> 0:03:42.280 I felt bad. I wasn't a great dad, your mom's gone. Like, 0:03:42.360 --> 0:03:44.400 if there's anything that I can do and show you guys, 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:47.720 I'm here. I'm going to do that. Took me a 0:03:47.760 --> 0:03:51.760 while to accept it, and then I went through my 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:55.800 first divorce, and after that I realized that I had 0:03:55.920 --> 0:03:57.680 daddy issues, that I had things that I needed to 0:03:57.720 --> 0:03:59.680 work through, and I thought, Okay, I'm older. I went 0:03:59.720 --> 0:04:03.520 to there like I'm fine. But after that divorce, things 0:04:03.560 --> 0:04:05.760 like resurfaced and I was like, oh my gosh, because 0:04:05.760 --> 0:04:08.360 I gott as I as I'm so I was getting older. 0:04:09.360 --> 0:04:12.520 I noticed that things that I hadn't healed were affecting 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:16.839 my relationships the way that I was in my relationships, 0:04:16.880 --> 0:04:18.919 and I was like, I need to stop this, Like 0:04:19.000 --> 0:04:23.760 I don't want to continue attracting this type of treatment, 0:04:24.760 --> 0:04:27.120 not loving myself enough, and just so many things that 0:04:27.160 --> 0:04:30.520 I'm like, okay, it's coming and stemming from the relationship. 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:32.240 I still like I had a heal with my mom 0:04:32.320 --> 0:04:33.920 and certain things that I needed to heal, but also 0:04:33.960 --> 0:04:37.720 with my dad. And so when Emilio asked me to 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:40.760 marry him, that's when I was like, Okay, I really 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:44.440 need to face this. I really need to close this 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:49.080 circle to get this this closure. And I asked Emilia 0:04:49.080 --> 0:04:50.280 if he'd be down to go with me, and he 0:04:50.320 --> 0:04:54.320 said yeah. So to me that was confirmation because in 0:04:54.320 --> 0:04:56.760 my past relationships they weren't down, they were like no, 0:04:57.360 --> 0:04:59.920 absolutely not. But Emilia was very open and he said yes, 0:05:00.279 --> 0:05:02.400 like I think you should. I think you should go 0:05:02.440 --> 0:05:04.440 see him and hear what he has to say, especially 0:05:04.440 --> 0:05:08.919 if he's also ready, and that also gave me confirmation 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:12.640 and made me feel peace. So anyways, we decided to go, 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:15.760 and that's the reason why, because I felt like I 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:19.960 needed to close to get closure with my mom, which 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:22.000 is why I went to Monterrey to go see her, 0:05:22.520 --> 0:05:25.040 you know, and to feel and I just I got 0:05:25.040 --> 0:05:27.159 this closure that I needed and this piece in my 0:05:27.200 --> 0:05:32.360 heart and then my dad, so before I got married, 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:50.040 that was the whole thing. So anyways, I thought of 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:53.400 my paperwork the first time I was denied. Then I 0:05:53.480 --> 0:05:55.160 let like a year pass by and I said, Okay, 0:05:55.200 --> 0:05:57.360 I'm gonna try it again and I'm gonna also file 0:05:57.400 --> 0:06:01.360 Emilios and we were both did and it took some 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:05.400 time to go out there, and so anyways, the day 0:06:05.440 --> 0:06:12.160 came I went to go see him and I was trembling. 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:15.279 I was so scared. I felt like a little girl. 0:06:15.440 --> 0:06:17.920 Like I was like, oh my god, I was so nervous. 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:21.000 I'm grown, I go on stage, I do so many things, 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:24.559 like so much has happened, like I couldn't. I almost 0:06:24.640 --> 0:06:28.279 didn't recognize myself, like with how nervous I was, and 0:06:28.320 --> 0:06:29.800 in media, I was like, I've never seen this. I 0:06:30.120 --> 0:06:32.200 was very vulnerable and I felt very safe because I 0:06:32.240 --> 0:06:36.200 was with Jackie, my sister, and Emilio, but I was 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:38.000 a different person. I didn't recognize myself. I was like, 0:06:38.040 --> 0:06:40.440 who is this person? Like I was just so nervous. 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:46.720 And we get there and everything was kind of going 0:06:46.760 --> 0:06:49.719 wrong because the cameras were there. We didn't ask for permission. 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:52.960 They can't be on site, you know, and we didn't 0:06:53.000 --> 0:06:54.720 know that. So that was one thing. I was like, 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:56.040 they're about to kick us out. I'm not gonna be 0:06:56.040 --> 0:06:58.320 able to do this. But they recognized me and they 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:01.120 were really nice to said, hey, you know, can't have this. 0:07:01.560 --> 0:07:04.320 There's so many restrictions, guys. You can't wear a wired brawl, 0:07:04.440 --> 0:07:06.680 you can't wear any logos, you can't show any cleavage, 0:07:06.720 --> 0:07:08.960 you can't wear anything tight. You can't have it, like 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:11.960 you have to take coins to like for the vending machine, 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:14.400 like there's a lot of rules. So it's my first time, 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:17.280 and my sister, I think forgot so anyway, she had 0:07:17.320 --> 0:07:18.960 to go get a sweater. It was just this whole thing, 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:21.920 so mind you. I'm thinking I'm gonna go straight in there, 0:07:22.000 --> 0:07:23.800 but no, so here I am, which is kind of 0:07:23.800 --> 0:07:26.960 cool because it took us at least forty five minutes 0:07:27.000 --> 0:07:30.360 to get accepted, to get in there, to show everything, 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:35.000 like we couldn't take our phone, it's everything. So it 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:39.840 gave me a little bit of time to just realize 0:07:39.840 --> 0:07:41.680 where I was and what I was doing. So I 0:07:41.720 --> 0:07:45.480 was sitting there waiting and my legs were like literally trembling, 0:07:46.200 --> 0:07:49.640 and finally they let us through. I'm walking to where 0:07:49.680 --> 0:07:54.800 he is to like the meeting site, and I almost 0:07:54.840 --> 0:07:55.920 turned back. I was like, no, I don't want to 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:57.480 do this. I want to go home. I was like, 0:07:57.560 --> 0:08:01.040 let's go, and they're like no, it's okay, Like thank goodness, 0:08:01.080 --> 0:08:03.200 like a milios of music, It's okay, babe, like it's fine, 0:08:03.240 --> 0:08:05.680 we're here, let's do it. I'm like okay, to good 0:08:05.800 --> 0:08:08.680 deep breaths. It was very very like mind you. I'm 0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:15.440 it's weird because the energy at any like prison is 0:08:15.560 --> 0:08:20.080 very different. I'm not necessarily saying like negative, but just cold. 0:08:22.080 --> 0:08:24.360 There was no one. Everyone was, I guess in their 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:27.320 cells like there was not There wasn't anyone in sight, 0:08:28.080 --> 0:08:30.920 and it was just this weird feeling. Not scared, but 0:08:31.000 --> 0:08:32.280 I was just I don't know, it's weird. I don't 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:35.160 even know how to explain it. So anyways, we get there. 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:36.880 First I thought he was already going to be sitting there, 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:38.400 so I could see him from the outside as there 0:08:38.480 --> 0:08:40.839 was windows. And again you have to go like through 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:44.000 another process before going into like this open space where 0:08:44.000 --> 0:08:47.200 there's vending machines and tables and you know, and there's 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:51.040 security in there, like you know, the the officers or whatnot. 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:54.800 But he wasn't there, and I was like, oh my god. 0:08:54.880 --> 0:08:57.200 I was like okay. So then we had to sit 0:08:57.280 --> 0:08:59.720 down and I was like okay. I was like okay. 0:08:59.720 --> 0:09:01.800 So we down and I was still like where do 0:09:01.800 --> 0:09:03.040 I say, like do I want to sit next to him? 0:09:03.040 --> 0:09:04.200 And I'm like, okay, I want to sit in front 0:09:04.200 --> 0:09:06.679 of him. I want to see him. So I sat 0:09:06.720 --> 0:09:10.480 in front and then it was Emilio and Jackie. I 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:12.760 was like, okay, cool, I feel protected. I felt like, 0:09:12.840 --> 0:09:18.600 in a weird way, I need to feel protected. And 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:22.040 then like maybe five minutes later, he comes out and 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:27.880 I stood up and he it was like I could 0:09:27.880 --> 0:09:29.560 see him from when he came out of the door 0:09:29.640 --> 0:09:33.080 and like walking towards and I was like, I was 0:09:33.120 --> 0:09:34.640 like as soon as I walked into that place, I 0:09:34.679 --> 0:09:36.000 was just like crying. I was like, oh my god, no, 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:37.040 I don't want to do this. I don't want to 0:09:37.040 --> 0:09:39.160 do this, like they're like, you have to You're fine, 0:09:39.160 --> 0:09:42.520 You're fine, dude. I was a freaking baby. It was 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:46.640 the weirdest thing. Anyways, he comes out and I was like, okay, 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:48.240 should I hug him? Should I not hug him? And 0:09:48.240 --> 0:09:50.120 my heart felt like yes. I don't want to be like, 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:52.640 oh hey Dad. You know, I didn't even know if 0:09:52.640 --> 0:09:54.600 I was going to call him dad. I didn't even 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:58.199 I didn't plan anything. So he said hi to Jackie, 0:09:58.280 --> 0:10:00.240 hugged her, said hi to Emdio, and then he saw 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:02.640 me and then he gave me his hand. I guess 0:10:02.640 --> 0:10:04.360 he also felt like, okay, maybe she doesn't want to 0:10:04.400 --> 0:10:06.360 hug me. But I pulled him in and I gave 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:10.160 him a hug. I said, hi, Dad, It just happened naturally, 0:10:11.400 --> 0:10:14.400 and he said hi. And he only speaks Spanish. He 0:10:14.440 --> 0:10:16.640 understands English, but we were speaking in Spanish. And then 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:18.080 he asked me. He's like, can I sit where you're 0:10:18.120 --> 0:10:20.360 sitting because I need to see the officer. I'm like okay. 0:10:20.360 --> 0:10:22.080 He's like, we're always supposed to. I'm like okay, cool. 0:10:22.240 --> 0:10:23.839 So we turned around. I was still in the middle 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:25.680 because I was like, I want to feel protected, you know. 0:10:26.640 --> 0:10:29.400 And it was very awkward, awkward at first that we 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:31.600 were both who couldn't look in each other's eyes, Like 0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:35.640 I was nervous, he was nervous. Thank goodness for my 0:10:35.679 --> 0:10:37.840 sister that she had been there with him. And I 0:10:37.840 --> 0:10:39.880 think everything happens the way it should be, the way 0:10:39.920 --> 0:10:42.720 it's supposed to happen. I mean, because my sister already 0:10:42.760 --> 0:10:44.760 had some type of like relationship with him. So they 0:10:44.760 --> 0:10:47.240 were like joking around and I think that helped him 0:10:47.280 --> 0:10:52.360 calm down, and it helped me calm down. And anyways, 0:10:52.440 --> 0:10:54.000 it took us a while to get to like the 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:57.440 nitty gritty because I was I was there to handle business. 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:00.760 I was like, I need to know if he's going 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:03.600 to accept things, because the only way we can move 0:11:03.640 --> 0:11:06.960 forward is if he accepts. For me, that was important 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:11.679 if you accept and you apologize to me. If not, 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:17.959 then I have no interest in even entertaining some type 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:21.880 of relationship. So I was kind of like, okay, okay, 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:22.960 what are we going to talk about? I was like, 0:11:22.960 --> 0:11:24.800 are you thirsty? Are you hungry? Because you know, we 0:11:24.840 --> 0:11:27.400 could buy stuff from the vending machine and I like 0:11:27.440 --> 0:11:29.520 to eat, as you guys know, so that helps me 0:11:29.640 --> 0:11:31.040 with my nerves. So I was like, I need to 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:34.080 get something, like some chips or something. He didn't want anything. 0:11:34.200 --> 0:11:36.400 Jackie's like, he never eats, He never accepts anything he 0:11:36.440 --> 0:11:38.560 doesn't like, you know. So anyways, we just talked about 0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:43.319 his family, we talked about how he was doing, and 0:11:43.360 --> 0:11:45.720 then finally he's like, do you have any questions? And 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:48.280 I was like, no, I don't have any questions. I 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:50.640 didn't want to ask anything to kind of like I 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:52.960 didn't want to be the one to like prompt him, 0:11:53.440 --> 0:11:55.439 you know. I was like, no, I don't have any questions. 0:11:55.480 --> 0:11:58.160 Do you have anything you have to tell me? And 0:11:58.400 --> 0:12:01.160 he looked at me and he said, yes, I've seen 0:12:01.200 --> 0:12:05.280 you on TV. I've heard your podcast. He listened to 0:12:05.320 --> 0:12:09.760 my podcast, and he said, I know that there are 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:14.640 words that you want to hear, and I'm more ready 0:12:14.640 --> 0:12:19.559 than ever. So then I said, okay. I said, wait, 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:22.800 actually I do have a question. I said okay. I said, 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:25.960 did you were you mad at me? And he said 0:12:25.960 --> 0:12:27.560 for a long time, I was very mad at you. 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:32.080 He said, for a long time I was, And I 0:12:32.120 --> 0:12:36.400 said okay. He said I didn't understand. I hadn't accepted 0:12:36.480 --> 0:12:38.760 a lot of things, and I wanted to blame other 0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:42.240 people and not realize what I had done. So he said, yes, 0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:43.800 that he was upset. I was like, I felt it. 0:12:43.920 --> 0:12:46.840 He's like, were you mad at me? I said no, 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:50.280 just until my mom died. I was like, that's when 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:51.599 I got mad at you, because you were trying to 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:53.360 come around. I didn't understand. I was like, why now, 0:12:53.400 --> 0:12:55.800 like why not when my mom was alive? And I 0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:57.120 was like, then I kind of got angry. But I 0:12:57.160 --> 0:13:00.000 was very angry during that time. Twenty thirteen twenty fourteen 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:01.240 were not good years for me. I was like, I 0:13:01.280 --> 0:13:03.679 was pissed at the world. So yes, I was mad 0:13:03.720 --> 0:13:06.840 at you just then and then before that, No, And 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:08.600 I told her he said, I've always said it. You 0:13:08.640 --> 0:13:10.560 were a good dad, you know, and you did things 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:13.319 that I'm not I can't excuse, but I can't say 0:13:13.360 --> 0:13:15.400 you were a horrible father, as weird as that sounds. 0:13:15.840 --> 0:13:17.360 And he said, no, I was. I was not a 0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:19.400 good dad. It was not a good dad to you guys. 0:13:19.520 --> 0:13:21.000 And I could have been better and I could have 0:13:21.040 --> 0:13:25.480 been more present, and I'm sorry for that. And then 0:13:27.679 --> 0:13:29.960 then he said, I also heard in one of your 0:13:30.000 --> 0:13:34.280 interviews that I think it's kind of funny, you know, 0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:36.559 like it's like, how weird is it for him to like, oh, 0:13:36.559 --> 0:13:37.959 that's my daughter, you know what I mean? Like I 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:40.480 could just I put myself into shoes. Because he's also 0:13:40.520 --> 0:13:43.280 said before he's like, it's weird because people here will 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:46.640 call me Suegrol, which means father in law because they 0:13:46.640 --> 0:13:48.400 think you're Cue and it just bothers me and it's 0:13:48.400 --> 0:13:51.480 like the weirdest thing or whatever. So anyways, so he 0:13:51.520 --> 0:13:54.640 told me, I saw an interview and where you said 0:13:54.679 --> 0:13:56.800 that people have called you a liar since you were little. 0:13:57.320 --> 0:13:59.880 I said, yeah, I said, it's started because of this situation, 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:03.080 I said, and that's one thing that I've struggled with 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:05.920 because it's always like, always called a liar, you know, like, 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:07.840 oh she's lying about this if if it wasn't from you, 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:10.679 it's from your family. And it really bothered me, and 0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:13.000 it really affected me. And he said, well, I want 0:14:13.000 --> 0:14:15.520 you to know that you're not a liar. And I 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:17.160 was like, oh my god. I was like, thank you. 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:23.080 He's like, you're not a liar, and you only know 0:14:23.160 --> 0:14:25.640 what happened to you, and don't let anyone make you 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:30.800 feel like you are wrong for feeling the way that 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:35.480 you feel and for speaking your truth. He's like, does 0:14:35.520 --> 0:14:38.080 it make me feel uncomfortable that you speak about it 0:14:38.120 --> 0:14:43.560 so often? Yes, it does, but that's your truth and 0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:45.720 you have all the right to share it. It's like, 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:48.080 I don't understand it completely because obviously I'm on the 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:51.600 other end, but that's your truth. I said thank you, 0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:54.880 and then he looked in my eyes and said better 0:14:55.080 --> 0:15:00.920 name said forgive me. Oh my god. I lost it. 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.400 I was like, oh my god. I have been dying 0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:09.000 to hear those words forever. I was like, oh my god. 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:12.600 You know, we didn't talk about details, but he did 0:15:12.720 --> 0:15:14.800 look in my eyes and his eyes were watering. He 0:15:14.840 --> 0:15:19.200 said to forgive him. He said I'm sorry. I didn't understand. 0:15:19.800 --> 0:15:22.960 For a long time, I was upset at the world 0:15:23.040 --> 0:15:27.360 at God. He was young when he was in there, 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:31.320 you know, when they incarcerated him. So and then I 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:33.920 told him, I was like, I don't agree with the 0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:36.040 amount of time they gave you. I just feel because 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:43.160 it was such a a public court case, that they 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:44.520 gave you a lot of time. I was like, I 0:15:44.520 --> 0:15:48.400 don't agree with that. And I mean, I'm like, Okay, 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:51.560 that's a justice system, but I don't agree with it. 0:15:52.400 --> 0:15:54.560 And then he said that, He's like, no, it's like, 0:15:54.600 --> 0:15:56.720 I understand. I've heard and I've read a lot of books, 0:15:56.720 --> 0:15:58.200 and I've done a lot of research, and I do 0:15:58.240 --> 0:15:59.760 feel that I got a lot of time. He's like, 0:15:59.800 --> 0:16:02.640 but but God knew why I needed to be here 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:06.240 and the amount of time, because barely a few years 0:16:06.240 --> 0:16:11.480 ago I started realizing and reading on a lot of 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:14.760 things and what I did and understanding, and I didn't 0:16:14.880 --> 0:16:19.640 understand what I had done wrong until I started realizing. 0:16:19.680 --> 0:16:21.160 He's like, so the time that I've been here, he's 0:16:21.200 --> 0:16:23.240 been there seventeen years. He's like, I literally it's been 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:26.440 seven years that I was like, I realized what I 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:31.320 had done and I don't want to put his business 0:16:31.360 --> 0:16:33.520 out there because it's I you know what I mean. 0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:37.080 But he's accepted a lot of things, and he also 0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:41.800 realized that things happen in his life, you know. And 0:16:41.880 --> 0:16:44.600 it was one of my worries or my concerns or 0:16:44.600 --> 0:16:49.280 my doubts, my questions, and he answered my questions, but 0:16:49.320 --> 0:16:51.840 he didn't understand that certain things were wrong, that a 0:16:51.840 --> 0:16:54.880 lot of things were wrong, you know. And now he does, 0:16:55.760 --> 0:16:57.840 and I think that shows a lot of growth, you know. 0:16:57.960 --> 0:17:00.560 And that's what I wanted to feel. I wanted to 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:03.880 go in there and hear those words and really feel 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:06.240 if they were sincere. And I definitely felt that they 0:17:06.240 --> 0:17:22.200 were sincere. And his change is sincere. It's weird because 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:26.480 since that day, he's called me a few times. We've 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:29.600 spent time on the phone, like forty five minutes, and 0:17:29.640 --> 0:17:31.320 he called me on my birthday and he gives me 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:34.280 advice on my relationship. He loved Emilio, you guys, like 0:17:34.320 --> 0:17:36.359 he was. Like it was the weirdest thing because not 0:17:36.400 --> 0:17:38.879 that I needed him to accept him, because this is 0:17:38.920 --> 0:17:45.880 before we got married, but like it was they looked 0:17:45.880 --> 0:17:48.240 into each other's eyes and immediately I think that I 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:51.399 think that's so awesome of him as a man, like 0:17:51.520 --> 0:17:54.160 knowing what happened. I've never really told him details at all. 0:17:54.480 --> 0:17:57.760 I really haven't spoken about the details to anyone, but 0:17:58.160 --> 0:18:01.679 he knows what happened, like he's doesn't hold any anger 0:18:02.080 --> 0:18:04.480 or anything towards him, And I think that's a beautiful thing. 0:18:05.160 --> 0:18:07.520 And I think he felt that from Emilio, so he 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:09.920 felt like, I really like this guy. He even told 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:11.840 me later on when we spoke, He's like, I really 0:18:11.880 --> 0:18:14.159 like him. He looks like he has a very a 0:18:14.240 --> 0:18:15.879 very nice heart. I could see through his eyes that 0:18:15.920 --> 0:18:18.320 he has a good soultie when Alma and I was like, 0:18:18.359 --> 0:18:21.159 he does. So it's almost like he gave me like 0:18:21.240 --> 0:18:23.800 his blessing. But I wasn't really looking for that, but 0:18:23.880 --> 0:18:25.719 it felt good to get it from at least one 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:28.320 of my parents, you know. And I know a lot 0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:30.439 of people are not going to understand and think that 0:18:30.480 --> 0:18:33.520 it's weird that I went to see him. And people 0:18:33.760 --> 0:18:37.199 always wonder what you're or I've said they've now that 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:39.560 you know they saw it on the docu follow they've 0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:42.159 commented like your mom would be so mad, like I 0:18:42.160 --> 0:18:45.440 can't believe you did that. That's betraying her. I'm like, dude, 0:18:45.440 --> 0:18:48.439 you guys don't know my mom's heart. I guarantee you 0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:51.520 that my mother would have taken us to see him. 0:18:52.040 --> 0:18:54.960 I know my mom's heart. My mom was an impulsive 0:18:55.000 --> 0:18:57.239 woman and sometimes would get upset about things and like, 0:18:57.840 --> 0:18:59.760 you know, not talk to you, I shouldn't talk to 0:18:59.800 --> 0:19:02.359 me for two months. But she would always come around, 0:19:02.400 --> 0:19:06.000 and she would always apologize if she was a little 0:19:06.040 --> 0:19:07.840 hard for her to apologize, but she would like with 0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:10.560 something like that, or she was a very forgiving, you know, 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:14.000 And I'm like, she would have gone, she would have 0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:16.199 taken us. She would always She actually said a few 0:19:16.280 --> 0:19:18.800 times that she said, one day, I'm going to take 0:19:18.840 --> 0:19:21.280 you guys to see your dad, because Jackie was the 0:19:21.320 --> 0:19:26.679 one that would cry for him more and didn't really understand, 0:19:25.000 --> 0:19:28.760 and she said, I'm gonna take you one day. I'll 0:19:28.760 --> 0:19:32.119 take you. My mom's in heaven. But I do feel 0:19:32.160 --> 0:19:34.320 like when I went to the Mountain to see my mom, 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:37.320 I felt like in a way because I had so 0:19:37.359 --> 0:19:40.200 many questions within myself that they were answered on that day, 0:19:40.400 --> 0:19:44.199 like let go, it's okay. Like I feel like she 0:19:44.320 --> 0:19:46.640 was even with me on that day to go see 0:19:46.640 --> 0:19:49.879 my dad. So I know people will be confused and 0:19:49.920 --> 0:19:53.480 not understand, but you guys, I have a whole book 0:19:53.520 --> 0:19:57.480 on it, you know, forgiveness better going in Spanish talking 0:19:57.480 --> 0:20:00.600 about forgiveness and the importance of it and how it 0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:07.080 liberates you to become your best self, to accomplish things. 0:20:07.840 --> 0:20:09.600 And I feel like it's helped me a lot. And 0:20:09.680 --> 0:20:13.639 even with this, it just made me feel more sure 0:20:13.680 --> 0:20:20.040 about getting married. And I'm proud of myself. It's not easy. 0:20:20.160 --> 0:20:23.720 It was not easy, and I face this and I 0:20:23.800 --> 0:20:25.840 encourage you guys because I know this happens a lot. 0:20:25.960 --> 0:20:30.439 Sexual abuse is a real thing, you guys. And if 0:20:30.480 --> 0:20:32.320 it wasn't for my faith and for my therapy, I 0:20:32.320 --> 0:20:34.560 don't know where I would be, especially like with my mom, 0:20:34.720 --> 0:20:37.760 like never questioning me, and all of that has helped, 0:20:37.800 --> 0:20:41.960 and also forgiving. And some of us may not have 0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:46.000 the opportunity or the chance or the desire to face 0:20:46.119 --> 0:20:49.760 our abuser. But in this case it's different because it's 0:20:49.760 --> 0:20:53.240 my dad and I'm just I don't know. I'm proud 0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:55.760 of myself, I really really am, and I feel better 0:20:55.760 --> 0:20:57.800 ever since I did that. I feel like I healed 0:20:57.800 --> 0:21:01.199 my inner child because I felt like a little girl, 0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:06.560 and it just I don't know. So I don't know 0:21:06.600 --> 0:21:11.440