WEBVTT - Give Up the Grind 0:00:11.840 --> 0:00:14.760 Good morning, peeps, and welcome to Woke f Daily with 0:00:14.920 --> 0:00:21.000 Meet your Girl Danielle Moody. Pre recording from my Brooklyn Silarium. Folks, 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:24.639 I'm really excited this Friday to finally end the week 0:00:24.840 --> 0:00:28.520 with something that is good, to leave you with a 0:00:28.720 --> 0:00:32.280 feel good Friday, which is my conversation with my friend 0:00:32.360 --> 0:00:36.680 Rici kat Oki Day, who is the co founder of 0:00:36.880 --> 0:00:40.840 the Apothecary Stroke, which I have talked about on this 0:00:40.920 --> 0:00:44.519 show many times before. She's also one of the co 0:00:44.720 --> 0:00:50.080 founders for Black Sisters Magic. We have a conversation today 0:00:50.280 --> 0:00:55.680 about wellness, about what it means to detach ourselves from 0:00:55.760 --> 0:01:02.800 grind and hustle culture and sing right and reading ourselves 0:01:02.880 --> 0:01:06.240 from the guilt of needing to and wanting to rest. 0:01:06.959 --> 0:01:09.479 I know that I've talked about this with you all 0:01:09.680 --> 0:01:17.200 many a times where I feel guilty. I feel guilty 0:01:17.240 --> 0:01:20.880 taking time off. I feel guilty being in my home 0:01:21.240 --> 0:01:25.920 and not doing something, whether it is picking up something 0:01:26.160 --> 0:01:30.720 or folding something or putting things away like just laying down. 0:01:31.200 --> 0:01:35.119 I feel like I should be doing something. And that 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:37.800 is because of the lie that we have been told, 0:01:37.959 --> 0:01:43.880 particularly as black and brown people, that our only, our 0:01:44.000 --> 0:01:46.600 only worth is through what it is that we produce, 0:01:47.360 --> 0:01:50.880 and when you think about why we were brought here 0:01:51.360 --> 0:01:54.120 and for what function it was to serve, it was 0:01:54.160 --> 0:02:00.280 to be human machines. And so you continue to grow mind, 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:06.560 and then we create an entire society of bullshit that 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:10.919 tells us that if we seek rest, that we're being 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:15.280 self indulgent or we're being lazy, and that if you 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:18.079 are not booked and busy, if you are not telling 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:22.280 everybody like, oh my god, I'm so exhausted. And this 0:02:22.320 --> 0:02:25.520 is something that I learned in twenty twenty, which is 0:02:25.560 --> 0:02:30.320 that exhaustion is not a badge of fucking honor. Right, 0:02:31.080 --> 0:02:34.080 And Risci Cat will talk to us about a phrase 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:37.119 that I had never heard of until she mentioned it 0:02:37.960 --> 0:02:42.600 in our conversation, which is weathering. You know, there is 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:47.480 always this joke in the black community about how black 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:51.280 doesn't crack, about how you can look at a black 0:02:51.320 --> 0:02:54.480 woman who may in fact be sixty years old, but 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:58.800 look damn near twenty five, And that's always the joke. 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:02.800 But the term weathering that she will tell us about 0:03:03.560 --> 0:03:08.960 happens on the inside from the stress, from the anxiety, 0:03:09.480 --> 0:03:13.560 from the grief, from the trauma that wears us down, 0:03:14.160 --> 0:03:22.639 and now our life expectancy is becoming less not more so. 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:27.160 While we may be holding things together on the outside, 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:33.440 we are literally crumbling on the inside. And so when 0:03:33.440 --> 0:03:39.400 we start to think and reprogram ourselves from the desire 0:03:39.480 --> 0:03:43.560 to just keep grinding ourselves into the ground into pulp. 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:46.920 You know, I had a conversation with another friend of 0:03:46.960 --> 0:03:54.000 mine who said, you spend sixty five years right roughly right, 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:57.120 You not from birth, you're not working from birth, but 0:03:57.240 --> 0:04:00.560 you know you start going to school. But from the 0:04:00.600 --> 0:04:05.360 age of let's say twenty eighteen right to sixty five, 0:04:05.560 --> 0:04:09.280 you are working, right, because that is the arbitrary age 0:04:09.880 --> 0:04:14.000 that America has decided that you can not work. And 0:04:14.040 --> 0:04:16.800 then we will give you some of the money that 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:22.000 you've put into the system back to you. And if 0:04:22.040 --> 0:04:29.360 your life expectancy, think about this is at what maybe 0:04:31.080 --> 0:04:37.720 maybe it's seventy five, maybe it's eighty. By the time 0:04:38.080 --> 0:04:42.359 that you have the ability to rest, you are either 0:04:42.520 --> 0:04:50.800 sick right, exhausted, can't move, broken down because you've given everything, 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:56.680 every bit of yourself to capitalism, right to the grind, 0:04:57.200 --> 0:05:03.880 to somebody else's company, organization, and nothing to yourself. And 0:05:03.960 --> 0:05:08.440 so if we don't begin to reprogram ourselves, to strip 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:12.240 away the guilt, to find ways to rest and to 0:05:12.279 --> 0:05:18.720 restore and to recharge. Then we are going to see 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:23.080 not only is everything around us crumbling, but we will 0:05:23.120 --> 0:05:27.080 crumble as well. So I hope that you enjoy this 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:29.800 conversation with my friend Risci Cat. Tell me in the 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:33.440 comments section if you've heard of the term weathering, because 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:36.200 I had not, and I'd love to hear where you 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:40.080 heard it and what that definition was. So coming up 0:05:40.160 --> 0:05:46.360 is that conversation, and I hope you all enjoy. Friends. 0:05:46.400 --> 0:05:49.440 I am so excited to welcome back to willke af 0:05:49.800 --> 0:05:55.120 Daily after far too long. Frankly, my friend, the brilliant 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:59.359 Risci Cat Okaday, who is a professor cultural architect, co 0:05:59.480 --> 0:06:02.279 founder strobe Apothecary, which, by the way, if you're not 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:06.400 following on Instagram you absolutely should be um, as well 0:06:06.440 --> 0:06:10.520 as the co founder of Black Magic Sisters, also on Instagram, 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:15.120 UM that you should be following as well. Rissy. Um. 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:21.720 You know, we are living in some god awful, precarious, 0:06:21.920 --> 0:06:26.560 some end of days type shit, and so before we 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.560 jump in, I just want to ask you, you know, 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:34.000 as my friend you know and and fellow sister in 0:06:35.279 --> 0:06:38.560 Black girl Magic, How are you doing? How are you 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:47.880 feeling these days? So today is a good day. Um, 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:50.760 I made soup. So I was really excited about that. 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:54.560 I was like, you know what, the day is the 0:06:54.640 --> 0:06:58.200 day that I stopped letting the butternut squash and my friends, 0:06:58.400 --> 0:07:00.120 you know, die and to make it into sup. So 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:03.880 I did that. Um, it's been rough. It's been really rough. Um, 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:08.000 you know, we it's a dumpster fire that we're living in. 0:07:08.120 --> 0:07:13.000 And I feel like what I suspect those artists and 0:07:13.040 --> 0:07:16.480 those intellectuals when Ancient Rome was coming to an end, 0:07:16.760 --> 0:07:19.400 Like I feel like we're watching that happen with this country. 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:24.160 It's this existential crisis almost like well shit, what the 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:27.440 hell is this gonna look like? You know? Um? So, yeah, 0:07:27.480 --> 0:07:29.560 it's been a bit rough. You know. I just released 0:07:30.080 --> 0:07:34.000 I started the podcast back up, and I knew I 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:36.720 couldn't start the new season without talking about the loss 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:40.360 of my friend Simone Briziando, And so I was such 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:43.000 a nervous rut getting that thing together and putting it 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:44.840 out into the world because I was just like, I 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:46.920 don't even remember what I said. I just knew I 0:07:46.920 --> 0:07:50.560 had to do it. And so that has kind of 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:52.720 opened up some things, and it's just been you know, 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:54.920 it's just it's been a lot of sleep. I've been 0:07:54.920 --> 0:07:59.760 sleeping a lot and making soup. So it's it's funny 0:07:59.800 --> 0:08:02.040 that you say that because I, you know, all the 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:05.400 time on woke AF I've been talking, you know, to 0:08:05.760 --> 0:08:11.520 the listeners about the importance of rest, the importance of recharging, 0:08:11.600 --> 0:08:16.560 the importance of grounding. And you know, I always think 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:20.320 about you, Riscie. I have to say, because I can 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:25.240 remember fifteen some odd years ago you telling me about grounding, 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:30.120 you telling me that rest, and me really rolling my 0:08:30.200 --> 0:08:32.480 eyes that you talking about I don't have really, I 0:08:32.520 --> 0:08:35.800 don't have time for that. You know, I'm politicking and 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:37.800 I'm doing the things I don't have time for that. 0:08:38.480 --> 0:08:43.360 And now recognizing that, oh big sister was correct in 0:08:43.520 --> 0:08:47.600 the fact that, oh, these tools and tactics, then I'm 0:08:47.640 --> 0:08:51.839 telling you, dear young Danielle that you need to implement 0:08:52.240 --> 0:08:58.160 are important like they you know, they are life saving. Um, 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:02.560 how do you? How have you? You know? And to 0:09:02.640 --> 0:09:06.600 be fair to wait and to be fair I have 0:09:06.720 --> 0:09:07.960 to do mean to cut you off, but to be 0:09:07.960 --> 0:09:11.760 fair in a true Nigerian fashion, I give unsolicited advice 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:13.440 all the time that I myself to be taken, but 0:09:13.480 --> 0:09:16.000 I don't always take so while when I'm telling you, 0:09:16.080 --> 0:09:18.200 I'm telling me too, just I just want to be fair. 0:09:19.559 --> 0:09:21.240 No that I mean that is true. I give it 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:24.319 wonderful advice to be bold. Man, I do not take 0:09:25.360 --> 0:09:30.920 myself namely rest right like, namely actually trying these days 0:09:31.040 --> 0:09:34.319 when I tell people to take time for themselves, when 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:38.360 I tell people to figure out what tactics, and this 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:41.000 is what I want to talk about right now, is 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:44.319 that you know, because everything is such a dumpster fire, 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:48.160 because it doesn't look like regardless of if you're a 0:09:48.160 --> 0:09:53.240 person that readily follows politics or not, everything everything seems 0:09:53.320 --> 0:09:56.840 to be up for grabs and up in smoke. Right now, 0:09:57.240 --> 0:10:01.280 I want to talk to you about how one develops 0:10:01.360 --> 0:10:07.040 these tactics and principles of living that where that allows 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:12.959 you to both recognize what's transpiring but not become consumed 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:17.520 by it. So how how did you, you know, just 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:22.200 begin to begin that begin these practices, you know, as 0:10:22.240 --> 0:10:24.640 a way to kind of help guide other people that 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:26.320 are just like I don't know what to do. I 0:10:26.360 --> 0:10:28.120 just want to pull my hair out or I just 0:10:28.160 --> 0:10:30.520 want to drink myself into a stupor. I just want 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:32.120 to do these things that at the end of the 0:10:32.240 --> 0:10:37.240 day have negative impacts right on us. And so, you know, 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:39.120 it's all good and fine. My mother had been telling 0:10:39.160 --> 0:10:42.600 me to meditate for you know, for for fifteen twenty years, 0:10:42.640 --> 0:10:47.920 and I just started a practice in twenty twenty. So 0:10:48.000 --> 0:10:50.200 what does that look like for you? So I think 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:53.240 part of what we have to do, I think it 0:10:53.280 --> 0:10:56.400 looks like so I am on a I'm on a 0:10:56.440 --> 0:11:01.440 constant journey of you know, stay, watch, dry, repeat, you know, 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:03.920 just trying to figure out what's gonna say, what's gonna 0:11:03.960 --> 0:11:07.080 go In terms of my daily practice, I'm you know, 0:11:07.240 --> 0:11:11.200 it's it's inner miss depends on the day. I do 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:14.679 think though, part of what particularly black and brown folks 0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:19.240 were actually members of the global majority, who are you know, 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:24.120 part of a working class situation? Rest has been weaponized 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:26.360 against us. It has been made to feel like if 0:11:26.360 --> 0:11:28.280 you sleep too much, if you rest too much, if 0:11:28.320 --> 0:11:30.560 you weep in that you're lazy. Like I had to 0:11:30.600 --> 0:11:33.480 tell a niece, a friend, a cousin of mine recently, 0:11:34.160 --> 0:11:35.880 She's like, yeah, I've just been really tired and I 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:38.280 just feel really lazy. I was like, You're not allowed 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:40.319 to use that word anymore. We're not going to use 0:11:40.400 --> 0:11:43.440 lazy as a word to describe who you are, because 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:46.720 you're anything but that. And what happens is that is 0:11:46.720 --> 0:11:50.320 a particularly an African household, that is a word that 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:53.679 is weaponized at all times. The wing you never want 0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:58.000 to be considered is lazy. But you know, most of 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:00.360 us then don't really rest until we're sick or dying 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:03.400 as a result, I don't remember sleeping in as a kid. 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:06.360 My first sleeping in experience happened while I was away 0:12:06.360 --> 0:12:09.160 at college. I'd never actually slept in. I didn't know 0:12:09.200 --> 0:12:11.920 what that meant to stay in bed longer than you 0:12:11.960 --> 0:12:16.080 know the rising time. And so part of what I've 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:18.920 had to do is I've had to understand how my 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:22.600 relationship with rest is really a big part of like 0:12:22.640 --> 0:12:25.720 a larger conditioning that is big, that is anti black 0:12:25.840 --> 0:12:28.880 in a lot of ways, colonial in a lot of ways, 0:12:29.120 --> 0:12:33.640 and dangerous across the board. My body is a barometer, 0:12:34.360 --> 0:12:38.760 and what I've learned in these pasts, and particularly in 0:12:38.800 --> 0:12:41.600 this pandemic madness, is that I don't know what my 0:12:41.679 --> 0:12:46.280 body looks like unstressed. I've been stressed most of my life. 0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:49.640 Even as a kid, I had stress because I was 0:12:49.760 --> 0:12:54.240 a latchkey kid. And so when I do get sleep, 0:12:54.720 --> 0:12:57.680 it shows up in my body a bit differently. Now 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:00.360 I've been conditioned to believe that I don't need much sleep, 0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:02.839 Like I I will run for you know, for weeks 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:05.480 on three four hours a night. You know. Science says 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:07.720 that shit is insane. You're not supposed to be able 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:09.520 to do that, but I've learned how to do that 0:13:09.600 --> 0:13:14.680 because of this mentality around, you know, struggle and hustle 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:16.559 and all of these things like you know, sleep when 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:18.439 I'm dead. I used to say shit like that, and 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:22.160 that's not dumb, but what it is I supposed to 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:26.400 be the grind culture, you know, And when you think 0:13:26.400 --> 0:13:30.319 about what a grind is, you're literally pulverizing yourself into 0:13:30.360 --> 0:13:33.200 dusty bits. That's not cute. And so what I've had 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:35.439 to do, and I started doing this probably about ten 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:38.439 or fifteen years ago, not so much resting, but understanding 0:13:38.600 --> 0:13:42.600 language first. So I stopped saying grind. I stopped saying 0:13:43.040 --> 0:13:46.120 multiple jobs, like I tell people multiple streams of income, 0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:49.040 not multiple jobs. You know. I say, I don't grind, 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:52.480 I don't hustle. I just do and when you change 0:13:52.480 --> 0:13:54.920 the language, I think that's how you open the door 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:59.920 to understand that staying still resting, because it's something I 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:03.720 struggle with all the time, is really necessary. It's actually 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:07.320 part of the growth process to rest and really and 0:14:07.400 --> 0:14:10.160 sort of you know, think about what did you do, 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:12.000 how well did you do it? What could you change? 0:14:12.040 --> 0:14:15.280 Like if there's never if there's never rest, if you 0:14:15.320 --> 0:14:17.600 don't rest, there's no time for reflection. So if you're 0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:20.960 only sleeping because your body absolutely you need to do, 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:25.400 then you're not actually reflecting on what you've actually accomplished. 0:14:25.640 --> 0:14:27.680 And one of the things the pandemic has brought into 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:32.720 very harsh light for me is how my tendency towards 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:35.680 multiple things at the same time, which gives me joy. 0:14:36.840 --> 0:14:39.760 I don't have rest built into those spaces. So it 0:14:39.840 --> 0:14:42.600 hit me a couple weeks ago it's like, Yo, I've 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:44.560 been doing this really dope shit and I haven't really 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:46.560 had a chance to actually stop and be like, Yo, 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:50.200 you're doing really dope shit. So there's no place for reflection. 0:14:50.240 --> 0:14:53.320 It's just on to the next because that's part of 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:57.920 my conditioning. So language is language shift is important because 0:14:57.920 --> 0:15:00.160 if you don't shift your language. If you don't under 0:15:00.160 --> 0:15:03.560 stand that rest doesn't mean stop, it just means reflect, 0:15:04.000 --> 0:15:06.840 then rest feels like, oh, you're trying to hold me down, 0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:08.920 you're not trying to let me be great. And I'm like, no, really, 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:11.360 can you just take a minute to think about all 0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:14.240 the dope shit you did and kind of basking that 0:15:14.360 --> 0:15:16.040 for a little bit. It's okay to you know, to 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:19.120 celebrate that win by you know, taking a week off 0:15:19.160 --> 0:15:22.280 to just sleep, And it's okay if you sleep through 0:15:22.320 --> 0:15:25.320 a whole bunch of stuff, you know, it's absolutely fine. 0:15:25.600 --> 0:15:29.440 So really kind of thinking about how racism and all 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:33.040 the other isms, particularly for black women, how it is 0:15:33.280 --> 0:15:37.000 it's keeping a sleep deprived because Black women especially are 0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:39.280 made to feel like if they're not doing this that 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:42.000 in third and you know, still and still looking cute 0:15:42.000 --> 0:15:44.680 on top of all of that, that they're somehow failing. 0:15:44.760 --> 0:15:48.480 And the reality is that there's a term called weathering 0:15:48.760 --> 0:15:50.680 that is a medical term for what happens to our 0:15:50.680 --> 0:15:55.800 bodies on the inside as a result of of stress. 0:15:56.160 --> 0:15:59.640 And while black does not crack on the outside, somebody 0:15:59.640 --> 0:16:02.640 can be like, you know, fifteen, it looked like twenty 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:06.200 five on the inside. They're now starting to see that 0:16:06.280 --> 0:16:09.160 black women are aging fashion than everyone else on the inside, 0:16:09.400 --> 0:16:11.640 which is why people are dropping dead. A heart attacks 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:16.160 at like forty five. You know, may look good right 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:19.960 the inside your body is, Oh, this is a bullshit, 0:16:20.000 --> 0:16:23.640 And you know what we're done? You know you said so. 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:26.680 I mean so many things, and I want to backtrack 0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:32.400 to one of them, which is about unpacking racism around 0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:36.360 rest for black and brown people in particular, and I, 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:38.560 you know, I want to speak to that for a 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:43.680 moment because even though this is still a new practice 0:16:43.720 --> 0:16:46.320 to me, it's twenty twenty one, and this is something, 0:16:46.600 --> 0:16:50.880 you know, resting, reflecting, recharging is something that I have 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:57.200 only been really doing over the last like year plus. 0:16:57.640 --> 0:17:02.000 Right before that, if I wasn't hustling, if I wasn't grinding, 0:17:02.120 --> 0:17:05.960 then I wasn't making shit happen, right. I am still 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:11.040 struggling a year plus into this new sense of this 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:14.199 new sense of rest as a way to kind of 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:17.800 delve into my creativity. I'm still struggling with the guilt 0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:22.280 around it. Received Like I cannot tell you that even 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:24.720 you know, even over the over the you know, the 0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:29.520 recent holiday of you know, taking time off of taking 0:17:29.560 --> 0:17:32.680 time off of the show, taking time off of writing, 0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:36.439 and you know, but then record like jam packing and 0:17:36.560 --> 0:17:39.320 all of this recording and all of this stuff ahead 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:42.680 of the rest time, so that I could leave the 0:17:42.680 --> 0:17:45.120 audience knowing that no, no, no no, I got you. You're 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:49.320 taken care of, even after having done four days of 0:17:49.359 --> 0:17:52.800 work in two days. Right, and I'm sitting getting ready 0:17:52.800 --> 0:17:55.679 to put my feet up on my parents couch. I'm like, 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:59.320 you know, you really should be using this time more efficiently. 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:02.120 And whether like you are a person that was brought 0:18:02.160 --> 0:18:04.560 up in the church or not, you were taught that 0:18:04.640 --> 0:18:08.639 like idle hands are what like the devil's playground, So 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:12.240 if you're sitting around the devil's play thing, so you're 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:15.640 sitting around putting your feet up, And so I want 0:18:15.640 --> 0:18:20.080 to know, like, even even on the way to recognizing 0:18:20.119 --> 0:18:24.000 that we are conditioned, how do you unpack the guilt 0:18:24.400 --> 0:18:27.119 so that you can get to a place of rest. 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:33.800 So that is hard. Um. I am a professor at 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:37.040 two schools. Um. I teach at Prince Church's Community College, 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:39.760 and I was teach a boy state And I love teaching, 0:18:39.960 --> 0:18:44.879 but teaching takes up a lot of space in my head. Um, 0:18:45.640 --> 0:18:49.080 I am not particularly efficient when it comes to grading, 0:18:49.680 --> 0:18:53.000 because it requires me to sit still and that is 0:18:53.040 --> 0:18:56.000 just not one of my favorite things to do. It 0:18:56.040 --> 0:18:59.359 also requires me to because I'm I'm I'm an emotional 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:02.560 and I'm an empathetic grader. So I remember what it 0:19:02.600 --> 0:19:05.720 was like being in classes with particularly white teachers who 0:19:05.760 --> 0:19:07.919 made you feel like shit because of your writing. So 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:10.160 when I grade, I'm grading from a place of let 0:19:10.160 --> 0:19:12.119 me grade with love, and so that takes me a 0:19:12.119 --> 0:19:14.600 lot longer, and it actually takes a lot out of 0:19:14.640 --> 0:19:16.520 me to grade like it's a it's a thing for me. 0:19:17.440 --> 0:19:22.239 And what happens is I had said on Thursday, I 0:19:22.280 --> 0:19:26.480 am going to dedicate that entire day to writing, because 0:19:26.520 --> 0:19:28.640 That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get 0:19:28.680 --> 0:19:30.399 all of my grading that I want to get done 0:19:30.640 --> 0:19:34.640 on Wednesday by Wednesday, and on Thursday, I am going 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:37.639 to dedicate my entire day to writing because I have 0:19:37.720 --> 0:19:40.320 this essay that I just got to get out of me. Girl, 0:19:41.520 --> 0:19:45.040 when I tell you, Tuesday night, I was knocked out. 0:19:45.880 --> 0:19:49.600 I slept halfway through Friday though, slept halfway through Wednesday, 0:19:49.760 --> 0:19:53.000 slept all of Thursday, woke up just to eat something, 0:19:53.040 --> 0:19:55.359 slept most of Friday, so much so that I missed 0:19:55.440 --> 0:19:57.760 one of my coaching sessions. That's how out of it 0:19:57.800 --> 0:20:01.400 I was. Slept on Saturday, did not grade a single 0:20:01.480 --> 0:20:05.720 damn thing. And there is a there is a guilt monster. 0:20:06.000 --> 0:20:09.280 One of my members, as I refer to them, is 0:20:10.160 --> 0:20:14.639 she's she's very much about keeping your word and setting deadlines. 0:20:14.920 --> 0:20:17.240 I'm a Sagittarius, but there is a little Virgo trying 0:20:17.240 --> 0:20:20.840 to get out of me that's driving me. She wants 0:20:20.840 --> 0:20:23.600 to do things on time and she wants to be linear. 0:20:23.880 --> 0:20:26.200 I was like, look, man, we can't do that. That's 0:20:26.240 --> 0:20:29.359 not where we are. So that fact that fight is real, 0:20:29.480 --> 0:20:32.040 and I stress out all the time about what I'm 0:20:32.080 --> 0:20:35.800 not doing. It takes up a great deal of space. 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:39.920 So I haven't I haven't figured out how to quell 0:20:40.080 --> 0:20:44.520 the noise. As much as I've said, okay, consequences be damned. 0:20:44.560 --> 0:20:47.280 If that means that I'm gonna give up two days 0:20:47.320 --> 0:20:49.600 on the other side of this to catch up for grading, 0:20:49.640 --> 0:20:51.159 and that's what I'm gonna do. But what I'm not 0:20:51.240 --> 0:20:53.679 going to do is give up the sleep. So I 0:20:53.720 --> 0:20:56.720 don't think that it's an easy The guilt is gonna 0:20:56.720 --> 0:20:58.800 be there because it's a lot of conditioning that you 0:20:58.840 --> 0:21:01.840 gotta get through coming into that understanding a year or 0:21:01.880 --> 0:21:05.520 two years into it, when you're like plus thirty, that's 0:21:05.560 --> 0:21:07.240 a lot to go, that's a lot to shift. But 0:21:07.320 --> 0:21:10.280 what you can make a decision of is Okay, that 0:21:10.280 --> 0:21:11.720 little voice in your head is like, oh, we should 0:21:11.760 --> 0:21:13.159 we do this, we should be doing that. All right, 0:21:13.200 --> 0:21:14.720 you can keep talking, but I'm gonna get this sleep, 0:21:14.720 --> 0:21:16.760 I'm gonna eat this pie, I'm gonna watch this Netflix 0:21:16.800 --> 0:21:20.720 because the rest of me needs the rest. And over time, 0:21:20.760 --> 0:21:23.400 what has happened for me is the voice is there, 0:21:23.440 --> 0:21:24.919 but it's not as loud as it used to be. 0:21:26.080 --> 0:21:29.359 So before I would be resting or hanging out and 0:21:29.400 --> 0:21:31.640 it'd be this constant worrying, like, oh, you should be home, 0:21:31.840 --> 0:21:33.840 you're not using this time. Wisi da da da da 0:21:33.920 --> 0:21:36.640 dah rah rah rah. Now what happens it's like, Hey, 0:21:36.680 --> 0:21:39.640 are we gonna grade papers today? Nope? Okay, I'll try 0:21:39.720 --> 0:21:41.440 back a few hours. Hey, you know this might be 0:21:41.480 --> 0:21:43.800 a good time to do this. You want to do that? Nope? Okay. 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:46.560 So it's a bit different. It's it's not the worrying 0:21:46.600 --> 0:21:49.520 that it used to be. And what happens really is 0:21:49.560 --> 0:21:52.880 that I've made a conscious decision that if that means 0:21:52.880 --> 0:21:55.560 if I'm sleeping on my couch for two days, then 0:21:55.600 --> 0:21:58.040 that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna trust that my 0:21:58.160 --> 0:22:01.159 body needs it, because what I have realized is that 0:22:01.200 --> 0:22:06.160 our disconnection to rest. I'm very disconnected for my physical self. 0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:09.480 I live in my head and I live my higher self. 0:22:09.600 --> 0:22:11.679 I don't live in my body. So that's one of 0:22:11.680 --> 0:22:14.280 the reasons I'm able to function the way I do 0:22:14.720 --> 0:22:16.600 is because I don't really live in my body the 0:22:16.640 --> 0:22:19.840 way I should. I'm now the pandemic has forced me 0:22:20.080 --> 0:22:22.679 to live in my body, and it's like, what the 0:22:22.680 --> 0:22:24.480 hell is going on in here? This is a bit 0:22:24.560 --> 0:22:26.760 much like, oh my god, what have we done? What 0:22:26.840 --> 0:22:29.879 if we allowed to happen? So living in my body 0:22:30.000 --> 0:22:33.600 now has become sort of the main focus, which means 0:22:33.680 --> 0:22:36.240 then that I'm aware of all of the swellings and 0:22:36.280 --> 0:22:39.080 the aches and the pains and the weight that wasn't 0:22:39.080 --> 0:22:41.280 there or that I've never felt before that I'm feeling 0:22:41.359 --> 0:22:44.439 now because I'm actually living in my body, and it's like, Okay, 0:22:44.440 --> 0:22:46.840 this is a mess and we need to we need 0:22:46.880 --> 0:22:49.040 to clear it up. And what I noticed is that 0:22:49.040 --> 0:22:52.760 when I don't sleep. That's when I feel heaviest. When 0:22:52.760 --> 0:22:56.399 I get rest, when I eat really good food, you know, 0:22:57.280 --> 0:23:00.200 I don't feel as heavy. I feel lighter. So even 0:23:00.240 --> 0:23:02.919 the difference between you know, when I trained, I have 0:23:02.960 --> 0:23:06.479 a trainer that we do yoga when I when I 0:23:06.640 --> 0:23:09.360 that whole weekend, when I just slept from like Thursday on, 0:23:09.680 --> 0:23:12.360 when I sat in my meditative post on Monday, I 0:23:12.400 --> 0:23:16.919 actually felt like overall smaller pop. It was just different, 0:23:16.960 --> 0:23:18.880 like I was like, did I shrink? What is going on? 0:23:20.680 --> 0:23:24.600 And it's because I got rest. My my movements were 0:23:24.600 --> 0:23:27.159 a lot more fluid. I wasn't getting hemmed up in 0:23:27.200 --> 0:23:30.439 certain poses. And it was really because my body's like, 0:23:30.480 --> 0:23:33.320 can we just please, I beg. We've we've done, We've 0:23:33.320 --> 0:23:35.240 done a lot, so let's just can we just sit? 0:23:35.800 --> 0:23:40.359 And so that this because my body speaks to me 0:23:40.400 --> 0:23:44.160 in a Nigi accent um. You know, it wants it 0:23:44.200 --> 0:23:46.880 wants to rest, it wants to sit. It's like, yo, 0:23:47.640 --> 0:23:50.040 I have been there for you this whole time, Like 0:23:50.080 --> 0:23:53.480 I've shown up, I've healed fast when you've torn through things, 0:23:53.520 --> 0:23:56.199 I have you know, accommodated for your love of cereal. 0:23:56.480 --> 0:23:58.600 Even though your lactose intolerant, like I put up with 0:23:58.640 --> 0:23:59.920 a lot of stuff. I need you to do this 0:24:00.160 --> 0:24:05.040 for me. And so being in my body more has been, um, 0:24:05.720 --> 0:24:07.960 it's been traumatic. I'm not gonna lie. There have been 0:24:07.960 --> 0:24:10.520 some moments where it's been really traumatic. But what it 0:24:10.600 --> 0:24:12.760